Original subtitles

Synclaire, I can't believe you bought five packs

of Almost Turkey hot dogs.

It's supermarket etiquette.

Once you taste a free sample, you're committed to buy.

Hey, you guys. Guess who's back in town.

Hey.

Hey, Tony, how's the standup goin'?

Oh, it's going really good

but I got bumped from Arsenio three times.

They keep bookin' me with Richard Simmons.

And you know, once he skips into the audience

doin' that deal‐a‐meal dance, it's all over with.

[imitates Richard] You can lose weight too.

[laughs]

Oh, he is going to be big.

That's why I like him.

[laughs]

Hey! Spotted those groceries from across the street.

What we got goin' on here? Almost Turkey?

Whose idea was that? Bleh.

Pay dirt! Oreos!

You didn't get the double stuff.

What am I going to have to give you people? A list?

Come to mama. Come on. Muah. Yes. Ah!

Ain't‐ain't you forgettin' a little somethin'

to wash that down with?

Right.

I thought you only had two roommates.

‐ Uh‐huh, and a pet pig. ‐ Right.

♪ Check check check it out check check check it out ♪

♪ What you want? No free position ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yes we're living the single life yeah ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up what? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

‐ Want a mint? ‐ No, thank you.

[telephone rings]

Hey, wanna see Khadijah in an Afro?

That's no big deal. Afros are back.

Not this Afro.

Khadijah, you got enough hair here

for earth, wind and fire.

You better stop cracking on my afro now.

Hello. Hey, Kyle.

Why the hell should I know where you're calling from?

Because I'm right here!

With my brand‐new, top‐of‐the‐line

state‐of‐the‐art Kuwahara C‐1000 cellular phone.

Hey, you can hang up on him and slam the door

in his face at the same time.

‐ Oh, can I see? ‐ Certainly.

[chuckles] But you gotta be careful.

It's a very sophisticated piece of equipment.

It has a 100 number memory.

It can be set to ring or vibrate.

And it can recognize my voice and dial on command.

Okay. Well, how does that work?

I have no idea, it took me 20 minutes

to figure out how to call you from the hallway.

Hey, y'all, I got the Almost Bread buns

for the Almost Turkey dogs, so, uh, let's get a grub on.

Right, we're just sittin' here listenin' to Kyle

tell us everything he doesn't know

about that new phone he bought.

Hey, hey, hey. I know it weighs only 5.9 ounces.

[telephone rings]

[grunts] Oh!

Oh, no, I gotta pick up this heavy phone again.

Synclaire, spot me.

Ooh! I made it vibrate.

[cell phone vibrates]

Since you are havin' so much fun with my new phone

why don't you program some numbers in it for me?

Oh, I'll take care of that

as soon as, uh, Synclaire works out this knot.

Oh, over there, baby. That's the spot, yeah.

You know what I like. Hm. Oh, take me home.

Take it home. Take it..

Hey, y'all.

‐ Hi there. ‐ Alrighty.

‐ I'll tell her you called. ‐ Phew!

‐ Bye. ‐ Eeh.

‐ Regine? ‐ Yes?

That was your pear‐shaped friend April from the boutique.

Yeah, well, actually, she's lost a few inches in the hips.

Now she's shaped like a banana.

Anyway, she was calling to say she couldn't make it

to the comedy club tonight.

Alright.

She also said that she was glad

that Alonzo and I made up.

Now how does this fruit‐shaped friend of yours

even know Alonzo and I had a fight?

[chuckles] 'Cause I, I may have mentioned it.

I, I, ah!

I may have mentioned it

when‐when April was fightin' with her boyfriend.

Isn't April the one who's really a man?

No, April's the one whose thighs play shoop when she walks.

I thought Cleo was the one with the musical thighs

or is she the one with the hair plugs?

You know way too much about these people.

That's because Radio Free Regine is on the mike 24/7.

No, not me. You ought to hear April.

Ooh! Get that girl started and she'll tell you secrets

her father told her from the Pentagon.

Y'all know that they got an alien skeleton over there?

‐ Really? ‐ From what planet, girl?

Girl, from Saturn.

That's where that car company come from.

‐ No? ‐ For real?

‐ Look at you. Look at you! ‐ What? What?

‐ Gossipin' to defend gossip. ‐ I do not gossip, alright?

I merely..

Commiserate on the human condition, okay?

And if you don't like it, you don't have to use

my free tickets to the comedy club tonight.

Oh, oh, you think I'm on the take?

You think you could just buy me with a couple of freebies?

‐ Well, you're lucky you can. ‐ Yeah.

[hums]

[sighs]

What's wrong, baby?

Well, I don't know

whether to put the succotash with the yellow vegetables

or the beans.

Why not just put it in the middle

as a bridge betwixt the two?

Overton, is there no problem you can't fix?

Yeah, I've got a few ideas about that Middle East situation.

What I'd really like to figure out is how to program

more numbers into Kyle's phone

'cause 56 ladies' numbers just aren't gonna fit.

‐ Fifty six ladies? ‐ Girl, yeah.

But see, most of them are just to support.

Kyle's playboy delusions.

I sure wish that Kyle would settle down.

Well, actually he is.

He's dating Leslie and Phaedra exclusively.

‐ Obie? ‐ Hm?

Do you ever date more than one woman?

Not unless there was more than one of you.

And even then, hell, I'd be partial to the first one.

[chuckles]

You know, baby, I like to finish what I start.

Oh, Overton.

So you won't mind if I just give this phone

a little test run right now.

Guess we'll start off with bachelorette number one.

Phaedra. One button. Pow!

Hello.

Answerin' machine.

Hello, Phaedra?

This is Overton, Kyle's roommate.

And I'm programming his new cellular phone.

You'll be happy to know that your phone number

is the first in his new phone as well as in his heart.

Oh, cool. You're home, Phaedra. Hey, I was won..

Uh, Leslie?

Uh, no chance you might be over at Phaedra's house, huh?

Alright, well, look here. Nice talkin' to you. Bye‐bye.

Well, it looks like Kyle might be settlin' down

a little sooner than we anticipated.

Hey, thank you. Thank you.

You know, in 1969, my father joined the Nation of Islam

'which is just cheating me out of all the holidays.'

'Suddenly, there was no Christmas.'

I had to fast for a month.

My grandmother freaked out.

She's a born‐again Christian. She couldn't believe it.

[imitates grandmother] The baby can't have no Christmas?

What do you mean that child can't have a Christmas?

It's Christmas time!

[laughter and applause]

Hey, thanks you guys for comin'. I'm up next.

‐ Oh. ‐ Alright.

This guy, you probably seen him

in, uh, "Strictly Business III."

Uh, he's currently on a ten‐college tour

openin' for Leroy & Skillet.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Tony Ross!

'Tony Ross, please.'

[cheering and applauding]

Give it up for Hutch.

He could have combed his hair for the show, huh?

Oh, man! You can tell it's spring

'cause that's when all the beautiful women come out.

Look out. Hey, hey, hey, not you, girl.

You've been out since winter. Sit down.

[laughter]

Lookin' like Scottie Pippen or somebody.

Shut up, girl.

[laughter]

Let's give a big round of applause to all the ladies now.

'There you go.'

But you gotta admit, women work hard

to look good, don't they?

Well, you ever look into a woman's bathroom?

All the stuff they have?

Look, look at that brother, that brother got the look like.

"I‐I do. I‐I peek in every now and then. Whee!"

Look at you. Proud to be a freak, huh?

[cell phone rings]

What is that? Oh, you have a phone?

What is that? Uh‐oh. What have we got here?

'Oh. Hey, look at this, look at this.'

Hey, hey, it's Prince Kamunga.

How you doing, brother?

I guess if they did "Coming To America Part II"

you ought to be able to be in Wardrobe, huh?

But he had to let everybody know

he has a cellular phone right here.

Perpetrating hard.

You know that thing ain't even hooked up. Look at it.

I'll call you back later.

Yeah, you're gonna call later

right from that pay phone out there.

Probably was his wife.

He probably told her he was goin' out to go get a Snapple.

He in here buyin' dinner for four women. Look at him.

And women love to eat food that's free, don't you, ladies?

Oh, God! Why not?

I know a woman, check this out.

I know a woman, an attorney

ate a whole pot of free chili before she went to court.

'She had so much gas, the judge said'

"Another outburst like that

and we're gonna clear the courtroom now."

That sounds like what happened to you.

Sounds like Regine's been running off her mouth.

[laughs]

Oh. What are we talkin' about? Oh, yeah.

Women and their crazy groomin' habits.

I know a woman who get her feet waxed every other week.

'I can't get with that. How's it gonna feel saying'

"damn, damn, Sasquatch.

I thought she was wearin' fur slippers."

She got in the shower, looked like

she had a Jheri curl on her ankle.

Either Tony's psychic or somebody has a big mouth.

[laughs]

If that's not enough to turn you off

what about women who wear them big granny drawers?

The kind you can pull up and make a halter top.

'They come in that little three‐pack.'

Oh.

And then they come in those exciting colors.

Canary yellow, pink and powder blue.

Like if they make them in red, that'd be too sexy.

[laughs]

Wh‐what? He's funny.

Thank you! Alright, drive safely.

I'm Tony Ross. Peace. Thank you.

Tony Ross, ladies and gentlemen.

Another round of applause.

For Tony Ross.

[cheering and applauding]

[clears throat]

Whoo! Uh..

Regine, you little maggot.

I can't believe you put our business

out in the street like that.

You told him about my feet.

And my panties.

And I will have you know that since I have been dating Alonzo

I've been wearing my special occasion underwear

from the back of the drawer.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.

They're called unmentionables for a reason.

I'm saying, come on.

How would you feel if your comedian friend

did a little routine about you?

Hey, folks, how you doin'?

'I have this friend, Regine.'

She's so vain

she probably thinks this joke is about her!

Don't you? Don't you?

Carly Simon, ladies and gentlemen.

So glad you could join us. Now sit your ass down.

Don't make me roll up on stage, Mr. Comedy Man.

Shh. Shh.

Miss Girl, that wasn't necessary.

It doesn't feel so good when the shoe's

on the other hairy foot, does it?

Canary yellow?

‐ Let's get the hell out of‐‐ ‐ Yo, let's roll.

Alright! They're leavin', ladies and gentlemen.

Alright! Yeah!

Oh, yeah, look at 'em, you can dress 'em up

'but you can't take them nowhere.'

Phew!

Oh, come on, y'all. Somebody talk to me.

Why bother? We'll just talk to Tony.

Eliminate the middleman.

Now come on, ladies, now don't you think

you're bein' a bit hard on Regine?

I mean, you need to take a page from our book.

Men would just laugh this whole thing off.

That's right.

[laughs] And, and when you think about it

whoo, it's really pretty funny.

You go to hell!

There is nothing funny about a bigmouth roommate.

Ditto. Except for the hell part.

I'd walk out on you, too, but I'm comfortable.

Proves my point.

Women have no sense of humor, man.

‐ Yeah, not like us, huh, Kyle? ‐ That's right, buddy.

Yeah, I mean, men, hell, we can laugh at anything.

I'm telling you, man, we can.

Remember that time you told me to program your phone?

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Oh, you gonna love this.

Well, come on, tell me. Talk to me. Come on.

You told me to put those girls' numbers into it.

Ooh.

Oh, stop me! Here's the kicker.

I thought I was calling Phaedra

and it turns out Leslie answered the phone.

Man, I'd dialed the wrong number by mistake.

'Whoo.'

‐ This is a joke, right? ‐ Now that's comedy.

[laughs]

Hey, ladies.

Phew. Can I hang here for a while?

I need to get away from Overton. He's apologizing me up the wall.

‐ Kyle, I'm sorry. ‐ Oh.

Overton, I told you, if you really wanna make it up to me

call Leslie and tell her you programmed my phone

from an old address book

and that I am not seeing Phaedra anymore.

Uh, can't I just write you a check?

You know how I hate to lie.

Which is why God excuses you when you do.

Hell, I can't lie with all y'all starin' at me.

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

Ooh, it's Beavis and Bigmouth.

What'd you come by for? Some new material?

Look, actually, I came by to apologize.

I heard you guys were upset with my act last night.

Oh, how'd you hear that?

Anyway, hey, I'm sorry.

‐ Alright, okay, we're cool. ‐ I suppose so.

I don't know.

It seems to me that this apology should come with some benefits

like, um, let's say some free tickets

on a night when you're not performing.

That's cold, but I think it could be arranged.

Then the matter's settled.

And this whole thing wasn't Regine's fault.

It's just that I‐I like to talk about things that are real.

But you must admit, the part about stuffin'

the prom dress was pretty funny.

You know about that?

Uh, Tony, honey, say bye‐bye. Say, just..

Tony, I don't remember you talkin' about a prom dress.

Oh, man, yeah, you do.

It's the part about Synclaire

stuffing her bra with tissue on prom night.

It was a sheer chiffon dress and it started rainin'

and the tissue started meltin' and people said she..

Oh, you guys weren't at the late show, were ya?

I'm out of here.

It‐it wasn't chiffon, it was taffeta.

A‐and I never even told Regine.

The only person I ever told was..

Well, I ain't tell Regine.

I told Max.

And it was funny. And I had to tell somebody.

Dagnabbit, Regine!

I told you in the strictest confidence.

Unh‐unh. Don't even try to play me like that, woman.

‐ I can't believe‐‐ ‐ If you didn't want me know‐‐.

Hey, thank you. I'm Tony Ross.

You guys have been great. Drive safely.

Well, it's pretty clear

there's no trusting anybody around here.

Now, see?

Don't you all feel a little bit bad

that you came down so hard on poor Regine?

Not at all 'cause you talk too damn much.

And I think we all just need to make a little effort

not to gossip.

Wait a minute. Hold up.

Now th‐that's very vague, okay?

What do you mean by gossip?

Whatever comes out of your mouth.

Well, fine.

Live your little life in the dark, hear?

Kyle, you'll be glad to know the mission is accomplished.

So you told her the story exactly

as we rehearsed it, right?

‐ Exactly. ‐ Alright.

‐ So we tight again? ‐ We tight, man.

‐ Bow‐wow. ‐ So how'd it go?

Oh, she mad as hell.

Well, she said she's looking for Phaedra

and they're gonna have a chit‐chat.

What?

Man, she saw through me

like a chiffon prom dress in the rain.

It was taffeta. Taffeta.

And who told you?

Talk show, turn. Talk show. Turn.

Talk show. Just turn it off.

You know, instead of all these talk shows

they should just have a quiet show.

We can sit and watch people thinking about something.

See? Now, Synclaire, I try to be right there for you.

You know, 'cause you're family.

Then you take that fork in the road and you lose me every time.

What did she..

Y'all, ooh!

Y'all are not gonna believe what I just heard.

Look, we're not trying to hear

anymore of your gossip, alright?

Come on, I wasn't tryin' to hear it either, alright?

I was walkin' down the street mindin' my own business

and well, my ears were just

just assaulted by this conversation.

Well, ours don't have to be.

‐ 'That's right.' ‐ We agreed not to do this.

It's about Kyle.

Okay, maybe we should consider that, you know.

If you start gossipin', the floodgates will open.

We might not be able to trust each other again.

Now is it worth that?

Is it worth that?

Khadijah, I wanna hear it.

Fine.

Synclaire?

Um, I'll just stay and monitor the conversation

to make sure it doesn't get out of hand.

Okay, alright, y'all.

I'm walkin' home from the store, right

and guess who is walkin' right in front of me?

Go, go. We don't have no time for a guessing game.

‐ Get to the juice. ‐ Okay. Alright.

Those two girls that Kyle is seeing

uh, uh, Leslie and‐and Phaedra

y'all, they were headed this way

and they were comparing some very intimate notes.

‐ Do tell. ‐ Ah‐ah.

First of all, Kyle sprinkles his sheets

with enough baby powder to choke a horse.

Then wait a minute, y'all.

The brother irons his underwear.

Oh, how sad. How sad.

Wait, here's the main course.

When Kyle reaches his..

Romantic peak..

My brother stutters.

Wait! L‐I‐loudly!

[screaming]

Volume! Volume! Volume!

That ain't, that ain't nothing.

Kyle and those girls are in the hallway arguin' right now!

[indistinct chatter]

Well, ladies, come on, give me a chance to explain.

Please, your explanations are as tired as you are.

Powder boy.

[laughs]

Just trying to let them down easy, you know.

Poor Kyle.

And you were just gonna settle down.

Kyle, if there's anything we can do for you..

Um, for Leslie and Phaedra's sake

I trust you all can keep this to yourselves, you know?

Maybe we will, maybe we w‐w‐w‐won't!

[screaming]

Talk show, turn.

Talk show. Turn.

Ooh, "The Laugh Train."

Turn it up.

(Tony on TV) 'It's Christmas time.'

(Hutch on TV) 'Thank you.'

'Now give it up for my man Tony Ross.'

(Tony) 'Alright, y'all. Thank you. It's good to be here.'

Hey, look, your man is on TV.

Uh‐huh. See, I told y'all he was goin' someplace.

Mm‐hmm. Let's just hope he's funny this time.

(Tony) 'What was I talkin' about? Oh, yeah, dating.'

'I'm dating this woman now, beautiful.'

[squeals] He's talkin' about me.

‐ 'And she knows it.' ‐ Yes, I do.

Yes, yes, I do.

(Tony) 'Yeah, she's so vain, she probably thinks'

'this joke is about her.'

Hey, he stole my act.

Didn't he? Didn't he?