Original subtitles

I know diet food usually tastes bad

but this stuff tastes like musty socks.

The woman on the packaging was thin, so just eat it.

You know, as tasteless as this stuff is

you girls should reach your diet goals in no time.

Mmm. This fat‐free meat roll ain't half bad.

Wait till you taste the fat‐free chocolate‐style pudding.

It's delicious once you get past the fat‐free skin on top.

[doorbell rings]

[pounding on door]

Oh, I hope this is a pizza.

No, just the crust.

‐ Somebody snatched my purse. ‐ What?

Oh, my God.

♪ Check check check it out check check check it out ♪

♪ What you want? No free position ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yes we're living the single life yeah ♪

♪ We're living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

‐ Are you alright, Regine? ‐ Yeah, I'm fine.

‐ I'm just mad as hell. ‐ What happened?

I'm coming out of the subway, right?

And out of nowhere, out of nowhere

this thug jumps out at me and snatches my purse.

He got away with my Chanel bag.

Yes, girl, the gold one.

Regine, you got that thing at a Jersey flea market.

And it wasn't Chanel, it was Chanette.

It was the only purse that went with these shoes.

Well, this shoe.

I clocked him in the back of the head with the other one.

Same thing happened to me once.

You were mugged?

No. I got clocked in the back of the head with a shoe.

The important thing is you weren't hurt.

I don't know what I'd do if I got robbed.

My life is in my purse.

Oh, is that where it is?

Regine, you should call and cancel your credit cards, baby.

Oh, no need, that jerk will be arrested

as soon as he tries to use 'em.

They're all maxed out and overdue.

Well, now you can get new cards and start from zero.

I wish I lived in your world.

You know, Regine, now you have to get a new driver's license

and you hated your old picture.

There is a bright side to this.

Welcome to my world.

He's got your license.

Oh, girl, don't worry. I lied about my weight.

No, no, that's not the point.

He has your address. He knows where you live.

‐ Oh, no. ‐ Oh, no.

Overton, we gotta change the locks.

I'll get right on it. Locksmith is my middle name.

Well, not legally.

You're gonna call the police, huh?

No. I'm callin' my mommy.

I'll tell her to pick me up another Chanette bag

and a case of Mace.

Okay, I think..

[sighs]

Khadijah, I took time off from work today

to collect the security information.

The least you could do is look at it.

I looked at it.

At these prices, it's cheaper to get robbed.

You cannot put a price tag on security.

Clearly, these people have.

I tell you, my mother warned me about New York.

She said, "Synclaire, you've got to protect yourself."

I thought she was talking about sex.

I got a whole box of dusty condoms sittin' upstairs.

You guys, we gotta wake up.

Every night, the news is full of stories

of innocent people being murdered or robbed.

I don't wanna be one of 'em.

Now we gotta start taking our safety seriously.

I know, but you gotta chill.

I mean, Overton already changed the locks.

Hello, people.

Then how did she get in?

I gave her a key.

Do you wanna get up and answer the door

every time she comes over to spread her sunshine?

No, I wanna let her happy ass sit right outside.

Oh, so young and short to be so bitter.

Oh, I know. We could get a security dog.

They're cute, they're lovable, they wag their tails‐‐.

They kill their owners.

How about a pot‐bellied pig?

Hey.

You know, my new locks would work a hell of a lot better

if you ladies actually kept the door closed.

Nice going, Max. You left the door open.

And I paid for my crime. Kyle's here.

And it's a good thing too.

I like havin' men around to protect us.

And we're here for you, baby.

Regine, why do you always look for men to protect you?

Criminals have guns, okay?

The only thing that men have that we don't

isn't gonna stop a bullet.

And if it did, it'd be mighty painful.

Max, as usual, you are wrong again.

You see, men have the natural body strength

and fighting instincts that make us the guardians of the species.

The only thing that we do not have

is that face to scare off attackers.

Well, Kyle, I'm glad to hear you feel that way

because I volunteered you and Overton

for the neighborhood watch.

‐ Good speech, man. ‐ Yeah.

Hey, didn't we go to some neighborhood watch meetin'

about six months ago?

Yeah, whatever happened?

Nobody in the neighborhood watched a damn thing.

That's what happened.

See? See, Khadijah?

If we don't protect ourselves, no one else will.

Let's buy somethin'.

Uh, obviously, you're not gonna get off my back until we do.

Okay, let's go for the $25 deal.

Fake key pad, fake alarm stickers

and the fake Doberman in a can.

Oh, great. Yeah, we'll be real safe

as long as we get robbed by a fake burglar.

[snoring]

Khadijah?

Khadijah.

Are you awake?

This is one of those dreams

where you turn into Mario Van Peebles, right?

I'm scared.

I don't wanna go back to my room.

Can I sleep in here with you?

Re, this is a queen‐size bed.

That mean there's just enough room to fit a queen.

Well, move over, Your Highness.

I'm getting up in this bed.

You can act like you don't want me up in here

but I'll be up in here.

Night‐night.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Oh, Wesley Snipes has arrived.

All that talk about burglaries and alarms

and not havin' a dog downstairs got me scared.

I don't wanna sleep alone.

Well, what about Mr. Jammers

your stuffed cow and that family of trolls?

Those trolls scared the hell out of me.

[Khadijah groans]

Isn't this cozy?

Just the three of us and our Doberman in a can.

[automated dog bark]

[indistinct noise]

Shh. Y'all hear that?

‐ What? ‐ That.

That noise.

I think I heard it.

That was my stomach growling from that damn diet food.

No. No, that's definitely from downstairs.

[wood creaking]

There it goes again.

Oh, oh, suki suki now.

What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Alright, call Kyle. Call, call Kyle.

Call Overton, call 911.

A‐a‐aah.

Ooh, damn. I left the phone downstairs.

Well, one more thing for them to take.

[glass shatters]

Now what?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, now the, now‐now the smart thing to do

is just stay up here until they leave.

Ssh. We should be quiet I think.

Oh, I can't take it no more.

Give me my nunchucks from under the bed.

Alright, go ahead, go get them.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

I'm goin' down.

Shoot, I ain't sittin' up here by myself.

'Come on, girl. Grab something.'

Oh, that's really good, Synclaire.

What, what are you gonna do, huh?

Beat him down with Isotoners?

What? Well, what are you gonna do?

Hit him with the Bible?

Over and over again.

[glass shatters]

Damn! He's in the kitchen.

How do you know it's a he?

Would you two be quiet?

‐ What if there's more than one? ‐ What if you shut up?

Alright, this is it.

Who's there? Who's in there?

[all screaming]

[automated dog bark]

It'll be okay, Khadijah.

Man, look at this place.

They took our stereo, our TV.

They took my computer.

I can't believe they took my spoons of the world collection.

And just when you updated the Eastern Bloc.

Oh. I hid my good jewelry in the freezer.

Where are the cops? I called them three times already.

I can't believe we were robbed while we were in the house.

Actually, the majority of burglaries occur

when people are at home.

‐ Really? ‐ I don't know.

I'm just trying to offer something official sounding

in your time of need.

Look at this.

They didn't touch my fake diamonds.

‐ Oh, that's great. ‐ Great?

If they're not foolin' a burglar in the dark

they're not foolin' anybody.

And I have worn these everywhere.

Where are the cops?

If we had a pot‐bellied pig

he'd be squealing right about now.

[knock on door]

Well, it's about time you got here.

Sorry, there was a pesky, little homicide

that required our attention first.

Well, I've stabilized the situation for you, officers.

You can take over now.

‐ Uh‐huh. And you are? ‐ A complete idiot.

Excuse me, we've been burglarized.

Okay. Uh, who lives here?

Me and my cousin Synclaire and my friend Regine.

This one's just a gargoyle they keep around for protection.

Can anybody describe the suspect?

Yeah. He looked like my TV with feet.

Did anybody happen to see what he was wearing?

Can't be specific, but it was tacky.

Look, while y'all standing here talking fashion

some guy's out there sellin' my stuff in the Bronx.

Go get him.

It doesn't exactly work like that.

Yes, it does.

Oh, I know people who have bought stuff up there.

‐ Y'all buggin'. ‐ Oh, really?

What was your full name again?

Well, I think we've got everything we need

to file a report.

Oh, woohoo.

The police are gonna file a report, y'all.

Let's throw a parade. They're gonna file a report.

What good is that gonna do?

Well, it'll help us compile

a statistical profile of crime in this area.

Forget a compilation.

My stuff is gone!

There's a lot of crime in this city.

We do what we can.

We're sorry we couldn't do more for you.

Just keep your doors and your windows locked.

It's not uncommon for these people to come back

for the stuff they didn't get the first time.

Thank you. We'll all sleep real well knowing that.

The locks didn't help us.

Police can't help us.

Bump this. We gettin' a gun.

No, no, I'm not having a gun up in my house.

First of all, one of us could get hurt.

‐ I don't care‐‐ ‐ Second of all.

‐ I could get hurt. ‐ Who even thinking‐‐.

Third, we live with Synclaire.

Enough said.

Overton, you're gonna be finished installin'

that alarm tonight, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. And it's a beaut too.

Next time somebody try to break into this apartment

this baby will scare the bejesus out of them.

Hey, y'all got some Cell Block H action goin' on over here.

What's up with these ugly bars?

They'll keep out criminals unless they're really skinny.

Mace anyone?

Y'all are tripping up in here.

Well, you'd be trippin' too.

I mean, really, Max, we were robbed.

We haven't been sleeping much.

What's the excuse for the bags up under your eyes?

Warden, warden, the prisoner's making fun of me!

Warden!

While you were busy with your little girl talk

I took the liberty and programmed in a panic code.

32 and 40, my basketball jersey numbers

from junior high and high school respectively.

Wow. Were you varsity?

Well, I don't want to toot my own horn

but, uh, no.

Well, I'm glad we got that alarm.

Now nobody's gonna get up in here

without us knowing about it.

I'm glad we're finally gonna get a good night's sleep.

I have not felt this safe all week.

[alarm blaring]

Scared the bejesus out of you, didn't it?

[laughter on TV]

Lucy looks so authentic on a black and white TV, huh?

Listen. Let's watch "The Honeymooners."

Oh, yeah. "The Honeymooners" with my boy Norton.

[imitates Norton] Va‐va‐voom, Ralphie boy.

Get in up here!

Oh, no more reruns.

I have got to get to bed.

No, y'all can't leave.

You gotta stay here with us.

Regine, we have been here for the past three nights.

We have lives, too, you know.

Obviously, you don't

if you've been here for the past three nights.

And you have been here to count.

Touche.

You women need to just relax.

You know, if you really think about it

what happened to you all could have been a lot worse.

My friend Mustafah's cousin's friend was one of the victims

in that triple murder just down the block.

Oh, man. That's nothing.

I knew this man that used to work for the Census Bureau

and he went over this guy's house to take a poll.

The guy chopped him up and ate his liver with fiber beans.

No, wait. That wasn't him.

That was Anthony Hopkins in "Silence Of The Lamb."

Maybe we're not consoling you ladies in the right direction.

Uh, maybe we should go home.

In fact, just occurred to me that while we've been down here

in this alarmed fortress, our place is very vulnerable.

You know, somebody could be in our apartment right now.

Y'all ladies wanna walk me upstairs?

Sleep tight, frauleins.

Hold up, Regine. I'm headed out too.

You couldn't have said that any sooner?

Oh, come on. Don't complain.

This is the closest you'll ever come to real work.

Khadijah, you let me know when you get paroled.

[knock on door]

Who is it?

(Maxine) 'Open up. I left my purse in there.'

I'm sorry. Visitation hours are over.

[laughs]

[static on TV]

[snoring]

Trolls!

Khadijah, wake up. Let's go to bed.

Alright.

Did you leave the kitchen light on?

'No.'

[cutlery clanking]

What was that?

I think there's somebody's in there.

Oh, not again. I don't believe this.

Well, what are we gonna do, Khadijah?

Where are my nunchuks? Where are my nunchuks?

Oh, forget that. The panic alarm.

Oh. What's the code? What's the code?

[clanking]

Oh, I'm getting out of here!

[alarm blaring]

Somebody's in the house!

That was you in the kitchen?

Girl, the alarm is going off!

Who's in the kitchen?

Nobody!

Is everything alright down here?

Ain't that a bitch?

That was a false alarm.

Synclaire set the alarm off when she opened the door.

But there was somebody in the kitchen.

It was just Regine.

Well, all this bein' scared made me hungry.

[telephone rings]

Yeah, Max.

No, everything is cool. Go back to sleep.

The one time she should rush her behind over here

she opts to call instead?

This is crazy.

I mean, all these locks and these bars

this arming and disarming.

Y'all hidin' under my covers. I can't live like this.

Khadijah, we don't have a choice.

How else are we supposed to be safe?

We could all move to Minneapolis.

Isn't that where that guy with 'em

purple butt‐less pants come from?

No. That ain't for me.

We ain't movin' anywhere. We're not goin' anywhere.

We're gonna stay right here and stop livin' scared.

You know what we all should do?

We ought to get that neighborhood watch

going for real.

Yeah, I'm with you. Sign me up.

Well, look at Miss Thing.

Gettin' involved with somethin' other than herself.

I'm growin'.

Well, if you ladies are alright, our manly work here is done.

Yeah, and, Synclaire, I hope

you didn't misunderstand my comments earlier

'cause if you really wanted to move to Minneapolis

I'd move too

even if my cheeks did get a little frostbite.

That's very sweet, Overton.

Well, that's..

Just the way I was born.

Mack on.

Well, I'm goin' to bed alone.

And I'm goin' to sleep if it kills me.

I'm no fool.

[siren blaring]

(Khadijah) I'll sleep tomorrow.

[telephone rings]

Yeah, Max?

Yeah, we hear the siren.

No, no need for you to come over.

Besides, we just set the alarm.

Alright. Alright. See you in a minute.

[siren blaring]

(Synclaire) 'Come on, kill, Lily, kill.'

(Regine) 'Synclaire, what is that and what are you doin'?'

(Synclaire) 'I'm trainin' our new attack pig, Lily.'

(Regine) 'Uh‐huh.'

(Synclaire) 'No, really. Watch this.'

'Sic 'em, Lily. Sic 'em. Ha!'

(Regine) 'Oh, take that side of bacon back.'

(Synclaire) 'Oh, but she's, oh, so very cute.'

'Give her another chance.'

(Regine) 'Synclaire, get that lazy pork chop out..'

'Oh, not the shoes, honey.'

'Get it up out of here.'

(Synclaire) 'Wait, you haven't seen her best trick yet.'

'Sit, Lily, sit.'

'Okay. Eat, Lily, eat.'

Work with me, pig.