Original subtitles

There you go. Window's fine now.

Just a little bit of dust.

You know, I read somewhere that 75% of all dust

is made up of dead human skin cells.

Oh, Overton, you're so smart.

Well.

So how do you like Khadijah's birthday cake?

It's the best one I've ever made.

All it needs is candles.

Mmm, candles on a birthday cake.

That's one tradition I could do without.

I mean, what other time do you ask a person to blow

their breath all over the food you're about to eat?

And what if a person had a bacteria?

Then I guess everybody at the party

gets a little birthday present, huh?

I know a better way to do this.

[squirts]

♪ Check check check it out check check check it out ♪

♪ What you want? No free position ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yes we're living the single life yeah ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Haaaa ♪

So did y'all do anythin'

for Khadijah's birthday at the office?

Yeah, we got her a stripper.

But she didn't seem to enjoy it very much.

[scoffs] 'Cause it's a reminder of what she hasn't had in a while.

Alright, y'all, everything's ready

for Khadijah's birthday trip to Atlantic City.

I got the car all gassed up.

I survived the ATM. Thank you.

And there are some dice calling my name, Max, Max.

I still don't think she's gonna go for this.

She hates to celebrate her birthday.

Last year, we couldn't even get her out of the apartment.

That's because last year, we gave her a choice.

This year, we're gonna force her to have fun.

We're going to kidnap her.

I'll go get the sack and rope.

The blindfold will do just fine. Thank you.

Girl, I'm sorry. I'm just so excited.

We're going to Atlantic City.

We're gonna walk along the boardwalk.

Breathe the air Miss America breathes.

And gamble till we drop.

Come on, Regine, let's go. She's coming any minute.

[sighs] Rush, rush, rush.

That's what's wrong with America today.

If you don't wanna come, that's fine.

Oh, no, girl, I'm comin'.

'Cause you promised me

that you would teach me your blackjack system.

And I want to win me some money.

And celebrate Khadijah's birthday.

Yeah, whatever.

[knock on door]

‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.

Oh, see, man, I told you she's not that mad.

Come on in here.

Oh, sorry about what happened earlier.

I brought a new cake for Khadijah's birthday

and I got stain remover for your blouse.

You think that's gonna work?

Well, it says it takes out grease, wine and blood.

Hell, I don't think frosting's gonna be a problem.

[chuckles] I don't know, man.

I had one of my best shirts ruined by frosting.

Yeah, I was at this bachelor party, right?

And there was this big cake and all of a sudden

this voluminously large‐breasted woman pops out.

Bam!

No, no, no. Bam, bing, bing, bam!

Yeah!

And she started to gyrate, man

and icing's flying all over like sleets in..

This really isn't a girl story, is it?

Well, you got my attention.

Could you guys, please, leave?

We're trying to surprise Khadijah.

Oh, really?

We're taking her out of town for her birthday.

Yeah, so would you guys mind watering the plants?

Oh, and turn the lights on, so the roaches don't move in.

It's too late.

[laughs]

Ooh, but we'll do the best we can, okay?

So where're y'all goin' anyway?

Atlantic City.

Oh, I hear Engelbert Humperdinck is gigging at the Trump Plaza.

Yes?

Oh, Khadijah's coming. Quick!

Okay. Oh, okay, got it. Quick.

(Khadijah) 'Is everybody ready to yell surprise?'

Ready. Come on in.

Shh.

(all) Surprise!

Happy birthday, girl.

Alright, where's the cake, the cold duck

and the flabby exotic dancer?

Not this year, my birthday‐hating friend.

We've got something else in mind.

Road trip.

Oh, man, not for me.

Look, look, I‐I'm celebrating my birthday right here.

Just sit at home, chill, watch TV.

You know, happy birthday to me.

But you have to celebrate.

Synclaire, there's only three birthdays that matter.

When you're 16, you're sweet.

When you're 21, you're legal.

When you're 65, you get to eat at Denny's half price.

Now in between, you just chill.

Unh‐unh, no, Khadijah, you will not spend the next 364 days

complaining that we didn't do anything for your birthday.

‐ No, I am not the one. ‐ Come on, man, look‐‐.

Oh, stop with your whining already.

‐ What are you doing? ‐ You're gonna go if it kills.

Are you going to kill me?

Wait, hold up. I didn't even pack a bag yet.

Don't you worry. I packed one for you.

I'm not even going to ask what that was in your sock drawer.

Come on. Let's go, group.

(Regine) Let's just listen to the radio.

Don't touch that dial.

I don't listen to music while I'm driving.

Well, then why have a radio?

There are those occasions when I do listen to music in the car.

But not while I'm driving.

Somebody better look up at the roof for footprints.

Max, does you car always ride this bumpy?

That's all your designer luggage at the back.

My luggage isn't that heavy.

Well, something's weighing this car down.

Y'all better not be looking at me.

Man, you crazy.

[humming]

‐ Hey, what are you doing? ‐ I'm hungry.

Hey, we're just supposed to be watering the plants.

Lettuce is a plant.

And it'll go, oh, so nice with this pastrami

and this rye bread.

Man, don't eat their food.

We gave the ladies our word.

And my daddy always said

a man who doesn't keep his word is probably a lair.

Well, not everything my dad said was a gem.

So is there a TV in this kitchen?

‐ No. ‐ Mmm, pity.

That means we'll just have to watch the big one

in the living room.

I'm not sure you understand this whole plant‐watering thing.

Man, would you look at this place?

Isn't it amazing the way women keep their apartment so neat

just for themselves?

Hey, you're not really gonna watch TV, are you?

Overton, they won't even know we're here.

Unless I spill a big glass of red Kool‐Aid right there.

Oh, my God.

Don't panic, just get some paper towels

and we'll turn the cushion over.

Alright, cool, man.

[crash]

Oh, my God!

[car horn honking]

You okay? Do you want me to drive?

No, I'm fine. Why?

Oh, I don't know.

The sparks off the guardrail were a little distracting.

Eh, eh, can I take this thing off?

I'm about to lose it, yo.

Khadijah, it's not the blindfold that's making you sick.

‐ It's Max's driving. ‐ Yeah?

‐ 'Yeah.' ‐ Well, why don't you drive?

‐ Max, you're crazy‐‐ ‐ No hands.

I don't believe you, you crazy, dizzy...

Didn't think so.

Alright, that's it. I'm taking this thing off.

No, no, no, no, you're gonna ruin the surprise.

How about I surprise all y'all and hurl right here?

Oh, don't do that.

You know what, Khadijah?

This kind of reminds me of when we were little

and they'd take a busload of us inner‐city kids

out for a trip into the country

to show us what farm life was really like.

We would feed pigs and, and ride horses and milk cows.

Stank like hell.

When I was little, my family used to take long car trips

to our cabin in Wisconsin.

Oh, and all I can remember is my parents getting mad at me

'cause I had to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes.

It got to the point where I was scared to say anything.

You have to go now, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, you're just gonna have to put nature's call on hold.

We're almost there.

That's what my mother used to say.

Until that unfortunate incident in the back seat

of our new Cutler Supreme.

[tires screeching]

Get out. There's a ditch right over there.

I'll only be a minute.

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys wanna have a little fun with Synclaire?

What do you have in mind?

[laughs]

Pull up your drawers, sweetie.

Ta‐da!

Atlantic City. Happy birthday, girl.

My birthday and Max's favorite place, huh?

It is, isn't it?

Max, this was supposed to be a junior suite.

Oh, look whose getting picky about where she sleeps.

So you feeling any better?

I just need to lie still for a while.

[groans]

Much better. Oh, yeah.

Khadijah, you're my dear friend

and it's your birthday and you're sick

and I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but‐‐

‐ Max, go gamble. ‐ Thank you.

What are you doin'?

I'm putting on my makeup.

Why else do you think there's a mirror up here?

To watch yourself sleep? Think, think.

Uh, miss girl, are you coming downstairs?

'Cause I only got a couple of hours

before this hair goes flat.

I'll meet you down there.

You're gonna miss all the fun.

Look, Synclaire, play this 20.

If you win a million bucks, you can keep the 20.

I'm just gonna call home and check for messages.

[sighs]

Man, you did a good job of gluing that lamp back together.

Damn straight, I broke that naked figurine in your room

and you hadn't even noticed.

Now there's a faux pas.

[phone ringing]

Girls' residence.

What are you doing there?

Uh, just a little routine security check.

At 11 o'clock at night?

Uh, that's 2300 hours to us security guys.

Well, better keep this line clear. Goodbye.

Look, man, let's just get out of here, alright?

'Alright.'

Yeah, but I think the lamp was a little bit more

to the right.

Oh, Kyle, uh, I seem to have glued the lamp to the table.

All you need is a little leverage.

Let me get in there.

[grunts]

You know, on second thought, it looked good

right where it was.

Let's go.

[phone ringing]

Uh, Kyle, I seem to have glued the phone to the phone.

‐ Hit me. ‐ Ma'am, you have 25.

No, I mean, hit me right here.

Max, you're a fine teacher. We're broke.

‐ I was so close. ‐ Oh, yeah.

Hey, Max, you were right. This place is so exciting.

Some woman over there just won $12,000 in 10 minutes

all without ever taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

Whoo!

Who cares?

You guys lost all of your money, didn't you?

Uh‐huh. Thanks to Professor Max.

The amazing gambling wizard.

Well, we might as well go check on the birthday girl.

Oh, I forgot to play Khadijah's $20.

Red 23.

‐ Max, what are you doing? ‐ Don't worry.

‐ I have a system, shh. ‐ Kiss that money goodbye.

Red 23!

[cheering] I knew she could do it!

I knew she could do it!

‐ Yes! ‐ How much did we win?

‐ Seven hundred dollars. Yes! ‐ Woohoo!

This ought to cheer Khadijah up.

Who?

Max, you placed that bet with Khadijah's money.

Okay, let's stop and think for a second.

Alright?

Alright.

Uh, $700 is a good birthday present for Khadijah

but not good enough. Let's double it.

‐ No! ‐ Come on, we can't walk away.

I'm hot, I'm hot. Feel me, feel me! Come on.

Regine, help me out here.

Give her the freakin' chips.

Oh, okay, here comes Khadijah.

She'll know what to do.

Yeah, she'll want to do something stupid

like stop gambling and keep the money.

Synclaire, go keep her busy.

I think we should tell her.

Synclaire, go keep her busy

and, and, and we'll take you to see Boardwalk and Park Place.

‐ Okay. ‐ Okay.

What do you want me to do with her?

Oh, you're Synclaire. You'll think of something.

Now get out.

‐ Hi, Synclaire. ‐ Hi.

I'm back in action. Where are Max and Regine?

Max and Regine, well, they're, um, they're..

Oh! Flip Wilson!

Mr. Wilson! Mr. Wilson!

‐ How are you doing? ‐ Hi.

It's my cousin Khadijah's birthday.

She's such a big fan of yours.

Oh, man, not a day goes by in our apartment

we don't talk about Flip Wilson, right?

Flip Wilson this and Flip Wilson that.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip, Flip.

Yeah, well, happy birthday and you have a nice day, okay?

Thanks.

Flip!

‐ Can you do it for us? ‐ What?

"Here come the judge."

‐ Just once, please? ‐ I don't do that anymore.

Of course, he doesn't do that anymore.

What about Geraldine?

[as Geraldine] In Atlantic City, honey?

Yes, yes, yes. I didn't wanna come to Atlantic City.

But the devil made me do it.

And I'm not going to fight the feeling, honey.

Alright, Synclaire, you're trying to hide somethin'.

Now what are Max and Regine up to?

Oh, look, Ed McMahon! Come on!

Alright, this is finished. Let's get out of here.

Watchdog, bow‐wow.

Oh.

[water running]

What is that?

That, my friend, is the sound of water

overflowing from the sink onto the kitchen floor.

‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Oh, my God.

[cheering] Alright.

This is so much easier than selling clothes

at a boutique for eight hours.

Why doesn't everybody do this?

‐ Party's over. ‐ Why?

Birthday girl's here.

Khadijah, where you been?

Yeah, we've been looking all over for you.

Yeah, right. What's going on?

You know that 20 bucks you gave Synclaire to bet?

Well, we turned it into 700

uh, $900.

Whoo!

Yo, this more than makes up for that whack‐ass car trip.

Nine hundred bucks.

So, girl, what you gonna do with all that money?

Shoot, I'm going to take it home and pay some bills.

Oh, come on, you're gonna have a little fun with it.

‐ Aren't you? ‐ No.

Oh, come on, you're gonna bet just a little of it, aren't you?

No.

Put the money on the table, Khadijah.

Back in your corner. Back in your corner.

Khadijah, try your luck, girl, huh?

It's your birthday.

‐ It was lucky for us. ‐ Yeah.

Okay.

‐ New shooter. ‐ Right. Now all you got to do‐‐.

Chillzee! I used to do this all the time

in Sister Mary Linda's third grade class.

Here it go! Work with me!

Seven, a winner.

[cheering]

Like I said back up.

Alright, here it come.

Come on now! Oh! Work with me!

11, a winner.

Give her room. Give her room.

Would you like a drink?

I don't have no money to waste on that.

Khadijah, as long as you're playing, the drinks are free.

I'll have a woo woo, that's peach schnapps

cranberry juice and vodka on the rocks, thanks.

(male ♫1) 'Seven, the lady wins again!'

[all cheering]

[all chanting] Go, Khadijah. Go, Khadijah.

Go, Khadijah. Go, Khadijah.

Cool out. Flip.

Thanks, money.

Here it come! Work with me!

Seven again!

Yes!

Happy birthday to me.

Khadijah, you have just broke the house record.

I'm so glad I'm your best friend.

‐ Me too. ‐ Me too.

Me too!

‐ Khadijah James. ‐ Ed McMahon!

This is your lucky day.

I'm here to inform you you've just won

the American Family Publishers sweepstakes

grand prize one million dollars!

[all cheering]

Oh, man!

This is the most amazing day of my life.

Yeah, it's too bad it's all a dream.

[screams]

Oh, Miss Let It Ride is up.

‐ Where are we? ‐ We're almost home.

Man, I had this dream.

I won a whole bunch of money

and, uh, Flip Wilson was blowing on my dice.

Well, it went a little differently in real life.

After the fourth free drink

you started to get a little loose with the chips.

It turns out that when you get drunk

and lose a lot of money, you get loud.

Very, very.

Oh, man, this is the worst day of my life.

I'm never going back to that place.

Oh, I don't think you're gonna have that problem.

We were thrown out.

What?

Oh, man, I can't believe this.

That dream seemed so real.

I did meet Flip Wilson though, didn't I?

They're home, Kyle! They're home!

Well, that's enough for you, Mr. Ficus.

Oh, you're home early.

‐ Hey, guys. ‐ 'Hey.'

Thanks for looking after the apartment.

No problem, Khadijah. Everything is A‐okay.

Just the way you left it.

Yeah, we even mopped the kitchen floor for you.

Now that's a birthday present I can appreciate.

So what did the girls get you?

Carsick, broke and hungover.

But out of your usual rut.

Check this out, the next time I say

I don't wanna celebrate my birthday

I don't wanna celebrate my birthday.

Khadijah, we're sorry.

Oh, no need

'cause y'all got birthdays comin'

and Khadijah never forgets.

I'm going to bed.

And I do not and I mean, I do not wanna be disturbed.

Matter of fact, I'm taking this daggone phone off the hook.

Goodnight.

Happy birthday, Khadijah.

(Ed McMahon) 'Come on, Flip, just do it once for me.'

(Flip Wilson) 'I told you, Ed, I don't do that anymore.'

(Ed) 'Flip, I'm not exactly some schmo off the street.'

'We go back a long way, Flip. Come on, do it.'

(Flip) 'I'll tell you what, I'll do mine if you do yours.'

(Ed) 'Alright, it's a deal. You go first.'

(Flip) 'Okay.'

‐ 'Go ahead.' ‐ 'Here comes the judge.'

(Flip) 'Here comes the judge. Here comes the judge.'

(Ed) 'Ooh! I love it! That's right, I love it!'

'Boy, it sounds better now than it ever did.'

‐ 'Yeah?' ‐ 'Boy, I got to go.'

‐ 'Hey, hey, wait, wait.' ‐ 'What?'

‐ 'You promised.' ‐ 'What?'

(Flip) 'Do yours.'

(Ed) 'Oh, yeah, oh, okay. You ready?'

‐ 'Yeah.' ‐ 'Hi‐yo!'

(Flip) 'Yeah, that's it!