Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our concert.

What you’ve just heard was the overture

to Leonard Bernstein’s ‘Candide’.

Which is not to be confused with

Voltaire’s Candide

upon which it is based.

Voltaire’s Candide is a small novella

in which nobody sings,

whereas Bernstein’s Candide is a large operetta

in which they never stop singing.

We begin our story in Westphalia – to be precise,

in Schloss Thunder-ten-Tronck.

This is the home of the Baron and Baroness,

and of four very happy young people

happy because they know they are

living in the best of all possible schlosses

in the best of all possible countries

in the best of all possible worlds.

And the happiest of them all is our hero, Candide:

gentle

pure

innocent

but, sadly, illegitimate ...

Life is happiness indeed

mares to ride and books to read

Though of noble birth I’m not

I’m delighted with my lot

Though I’ve no distinctive features

and I’ve no official mother

I love all my fellow creatures

and the creatures love each other!

Next happiest is probably

the serving maid, Paquette

who also lacks the burden

of noble birth, but does

enjoy the honour of undressing the Baroness,

an honour which she occasionally performs

for the Baron as well,

when the other servants are busy.

As for the Baron and Baroness’s

noble son and daughter,

the awesomely vain Maximilian

and the exhaustingly rapturous Cunegonde,

their happiness is only slightly clouded

by the difficulty of deciding which of them

is the lovelier.

Life is happiness unending

being rich and condescending

when your blood is at its bluest

inconveniences are fewest

The days are filled with pleasure

racing horses, chasing leisure

shooting pheasants in the presence

of the hungry, gaping peasants.

If the locals seem to hate us

that’s the

price you pay for social status.

Sad to say, there’s no escaping

all the bowing, all the scraping;

still it’s true that being well-bred

helps you deal with those who sell bread.

Born with everything I need,

Life is happiness indeed

Life is happiness indeed

I have everything I need

I am rich and unattached

and my beauty is unmatched

with the rose my only rival

I admit to some frustration

what a pity its survival

is of limited duration!

Life is happiness indeed

and who is to blame for all this happiness?

Why, none other than the best of all

possible philosophers, Dr Pangloss

who holds all Westphalia in the palm of his hand

and the hollow of his head, with his

philosophy on ‘optimism’.

Let us review lesson eleven

paragraph two, axiom seven

once one dismisses

the rest of all possible worlds

one finds that this is

the best of all possible worlds.

Once one dismisses

the rest of all possible worlds

one finds that this is

the best of all possible worlds.

Pray classify pigeons and camels.

Pigeons can fly,

camels are mammals.

There is a reason

for everything under the sun;

there is a season

for everything under the sun.

Any questions?

What about snakes?

Snakes ...

’Twas snake that tempted mother eve

because of snake we now believe

that though depraved

we can be saved

from hellfire and damnation

because of snake’s temptation.

If snake had not seduced our lot

and primed us for salvation

Jehovah could not pardon all

the sins that we call cardinal

involving bed and bottle.

Now on to Aristotle

Mankind is one

all men are brothers

as you’d have done

do unto others

it’s understood in

this best of all possible worlds

all’s for the good in

this best of all possible worlds.

Any questions?

What about war?

War ...

Though war may seem a bloody curse

it is a blessing in reverse

when cannon roar

both rich and poor

by danger are united

’til ev’ry wrong is righted

philosophers make evident

The point that I have cited

’Tis war makes equal, as it were

the noble and the commoner

thus war improves relations

Now on to conjugations:

amo, amas, amat, amamus

amo, amas, amat, amamus

proving that this is

the best of all possible worlds;

with love and kisses

the best of all possible worlds.

Quod erat demonstrandum!

Q.E.D.

Quod erat demonstrandum!

Q.E.D.

Amo, amas, amat, amamus

Quod erat demonstrandum

In this best of all possible worlds!

Quod erat demonstrandum!

Q! E! D!

Conclusion?

We have learned and understood

everything that is, is good

everything that is, is planned

is wisely planned, is right and good.

Class dismissed!

At this point, Candide observes Dr Pangloss

giving Paquette a private lesson

in very basic physics.

Inspired by their example,

Candide and Cunegonde look forward eagerly

to the marital joys that await them.

Soon, when we feel we can afford it,

we’ll build a modest little farm;

we’ll buy a yacht and live aboard it

rolling in luxury and stylish charm.

Cows and chickens,

social whirls,

peas and cabbage,

ropes of pearls.

Soon there’ll be little ones beside us

We’ll have a sweet Westphalian home

Somehow we’ll grow as rich as Midas

We’ll live in Paris when we’re not in Rome

Smiling babies,

marble halls,

Sunday picnics

costume balls.

Oh, won’t my robes of silk and satin

be chic! I’ll have all that I desire

Pangloss will tutor us in Latin

and Greek, while we sit before the fire.

Glowing rubies,

glowing logs,

faithful servants,

faithful dogs.

We’ll round the world enjoying high life,

all bubbly pink champagne and gold.

We’ll lead a rustic and a shy life

feeding the pigs and sweetly growing old.

Breast of peacock,

apple pie,

I love marriage.

So do I.

Oh, happy pair!

Oh, happy we!

It’s very rare

How we agree

oh, happy pair!

Oh, happy we!

It’s very rare

How we agree

Oh, happy pair!

Oh, happy we!

It’s very rare

How we agree

What are you doing to my sister?

You can’t do that to my sister!

All was consternation

in the best of all possible schlosses.

Cunegonde was dragged away by the Baroness,

who then boxed her ears, and Candide was kicked

from the castle by the Baron himself.

Out!

Out!

Out?

Out!!

My Candide!

Exiled from Paradise, poor Candide is all alone,

with only his faith in ‘Optimism’ to cling to.

My world is dust now

and all I love is dead

Oh, let me trust now

to what my master said

There is a sweetness in ev’ry woe’

It must be so

It must be so

The dawn will find me

alone in some strange land

but men are kindly

they’ll give a helping hand

So said my master, and he must know

It must be so

It must be so

The helping hand mankind finally extends

to Candide is attached to soldiers from

the Bulgarian Army, who promptly railroad

him into military service against

Westphalia itself.

Now, before we go on,

it’s important for you all to understand

that in Voltaire’s day Europe was a veritable

hotbed of nationalistic sentiment, with

territorial armies swarming hither and yon,

hacking each other to bits over nothing

more important than a slight difference in

religion or ancestry. I know that’s very

hard to imagine now...

Candide, having no wish to kill anyone,

attempts to desert, but is caught and

offered a choice: 36 strokes of the lash

from every man in the regiment

or twelve bullets in the brain.

As he ponders his decision ... War breaks out.

In the midst of the battle we find the Baron

and his family leading all Westphalia

in solemn prayer.

fa re fa si la sol fa fa

Sieg heil to our Westphalia!

What power’s ours to command!

The mightiest in this mighty land!

Sieg heil, Westphalia!

Westphalia is taken by surprise ...

Everyone is massacred –

Maximilian, the Baron, Paquette

and Pangloss himself. The Baroness

is cut to pieces, Cunegonde ravished before

being bayoneted to death.

Amongst the ruins, Candide searches

for her corpse.

Cunegonde!

Cunegonde!

Cunegonde!

Cunegonde, is it true?

Is it you, so still and cold, love?

Could our young joys, just begun

not outlast the dying sun?

When such brightness dies so soon

can the heart find strength to bear it?

shall I ever be consoled, love?

No I swear it

by the light of this lover’s moon

though I must see tomorrow’s dawn

my heart is gone where you are gone

Cunegonde!

Cunegonde!

Alone and starving, Candide is reduced

to begging, but his tender heart leads him

to squander the few coins he is given on

an old vagrant even less fortunate than himself

with a tin nose and stumps for fingers

– the ravages of syphilis.

Thank you.

In the first of many eye-popping

impossibilities and coincidences

Candide recognizes his master,

Dr Pangloss, who cheerfully explains

his lamentable condition.

Dear boy, you will not hear me speak

with sorrow or with rancour

of what has shrivelled up my cheek

and blasted it with canker

’Twas love, great love, that did the deed

through nature’s gentle laws

and how should ill effects proceed

from so divine a cause?

Dear boy

sweet honey comes from bees that sting

as you are well aware

To one adept in reasoning

whatever pains disease may bring

are but the tangy seasoning

to love’s delicious fare

sweet honey comes from bees that sting

dear boy

sweet honey comes from bees that sting

dear boy

sweet honey bees that sting

Columbus and his men, they say

conveyed the virus hither

whereby my features rot away

and vital powers wither

Yet had they not traversed the seas

and come infected back

why, think of all the luxuries

that modern life would lack

Dear boy

all bitter things conduce to sweet

as this example shows

without the little spirochete

we’d have no chocolate to eat

nor would tobacco’s fragrance greet

the European nose

all bitter things conduce to sweet

dear boy

all bitter things conduce to sweet

dear boy

all bitter things to sweet

Each nation guards its native land

with cannon and with sentry

inspectors look for contraband

at ev’ry point of entry

yet nothing can prevent the spread

of love’s divine disease

it rounds the world from bed to bed

as pretty as you please

Dear boy

Men worship Venus ev’rywhere

as may be plainly seen

her decorations which I bear

are nobler than the croix de guerre

and gained in service of our fair

and universal queen

en worship Venus ev’rywhere

dear boy

men worship Venus ev’rywhere

dear boy

men worship ev’rywhere

Dear boy!

Candide and Dr Pangloss board

a crowded ship bound for Lisbon.

But there is a fearful storm,

and the ship splits in half and sinks.

All arbitrarily die, except for our two heroes,

who float ashore on a handy wooden plank.

At which moment, quite unexpectedly,

a nearby volcano spectacularly erupts.

30,000 souls pointlessly die,

no doubt for the best of all possible reasons.

Candide and Pangloss, being foreigners,

are blamed of course, and accused

of being heretics.

They find themselves in the middle

of the Spanish Inquisition and its

favourite pastime, the auto-da-fé.

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

what a sunny summer sky!

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

It’s a lovely day for drinking

and for watching people fry!

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

What a sunny summer sky!

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

It’s a lovely day for drinking

and for watching people fry!

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Watch ’em die!

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Hang ’em high!

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

What a sunny summer sky!

What a day, what a day

for an auto-da-fe!

It’s a lovely day for drinking

and for watching people fry!

What a day, what a day!

Oh, what a day, what a day!

Oh, what a day!

What a perfect day for a hanging!

oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, pray for us!

Pray for us!

Pray for us!

Pray for us!

Pray for us!

Master!

All’s for the best - dear boy

– in this best of all ... Possible worlds ...

What a lovely day

What a jolly day

What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day

What a jolly day

What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day

What a jolly day

What a day for a holiday!

What a lovely day

What a jolly day

What a day for a holiday!

At last we can be cheery

The danger’s passed us by

So sing a dies irae

And hang the bastard high

Oh, what a day!

Pangloss is hanged

Candide flogged into insensibility.

Regaining consciousness in the deserted square,

our hero resumes his travels,

while beginning to entertain

just the tiniest doubt regarding ‘Optimism’.

But he continues his journey,

and eventually arrives in Paris.

While Candide wanders the streets,

a mysterious masked beauty has become

the talk of the town. She has captivated

the hearts of two of the most powerful men

in all Paris: the Archbishop of Notre Dame

and a wealthy Jewish gentleman

named Don Issachar ...

The two men are forced to share her.

Don Issachar has custody on Tuesdays,

Thursdays and his Sabbath,

the Archbishop on Wednesdays,

Fridays and his Sabbath.

As for the poor beauty, she lives for Mondays,

when she can relax under the watchful eye

of her chaperone, the Old Woman

But Cunegonde, for it is indeed she,

is well rewarded for her even-handedness ...

Glitter and be gay

that’s the part I play

here I am in Paris, France

forced to bend my soul

to a sordid role

victimized by bitter, bitter circumstance

Alas for me! Had I remained

beside my lady mother

my virtue had remained unstained

until my maiden hand was gained

by some grand duke or other

Ah! ’Twas not to be

harsh necessity

brought me to this gilded cage

born to higher things

here I droop my wings

Aaaaaaah!

Singing of a sorrow

nothing can assuage

and yet, of course, I rather like to revel,

Ha ha!

I have no strong objection to champagne

Ha ha!

My wardrobe is expensive as the devil

Ha ha!

Perhaps it is ignoble to complain

Enough, enough

of being basely tearful!

I’ll show my noble stuff

by being bright and cheerful!

Ha ha ha ha ha

Haaaaaaaaaaaa!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ... . .

Pearls and ruby rings ...

Ah, how can worldly things

take the place of honour lost?

Can they compensate

for my fallen state

purchased as they were at such an awful cost?

Bracelets, lavalieres

can they dry my tears?

Can they blind my eyes to shame?

Can the brightest brooch

shield me from reproach?

Can the purest diamond

purify my name?

And yet, of course, these trinkets are endearing

Ha ha!

I’m oh so glad my sapphire is a star

Ha ha!

I rather like a twenty carat ear-ring

Ha ha!

If I’m not pure at least my jewels are!

Enough, enough!

I’ll take their diamond necklace

and show my noble stuff

by being gay and reckless!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Haaaaaaaaaaaa!

Observe how bravely I conceal

the dreadful, dreadful shame I feel

Ha ha ha ha!

Suddenly Candide enters.

He has recognized an E flat

that he knows almost as well as his own.

oh ...

oh ...

Is it true?

Is it you?

Cunegonde!

Candide!

Cunegonde!

Candide!

Cunegonde!

oh ...

is it true?

is it you?

Cunegonde!

Candide!

Oh, my ...

Dear

Love ...

Dearest, how can this be so?

You were dead you know

You were shot and bayoneted too

That is very true

Ah, but love will find a way

Then – what did you do?

We’ll go into that another day

Now let’s talk of you

you are looking very well

weren’t you clever, dear, to survive

I’ve a sorry tale to tell

I escaped more dead than alive

love of mine, where did you go?

Oh, I wandered to and fro ...

Oh, what torture, oh, what pain

... Holland, portugal and spain ...

Ah, what torture ...

Holland, portugal ...

Ah, what torture ...

I would do it all again

to find you at last!

reunited after so much pain

But the pain is past

we are one again!

we are one at last!

one again at last

One again

One at last!

one ...

one ...

one ...

One ...

... At last!

The happy lovers, discreetly

left alone by the Old Woman,

find their happiness interrupted.

In fact, this being the weekend,

they find it twice interrupted

In a flurry of swordplay, our innocent

Candide murders both of Cunegonde’s admirers ...

Inadvertently.

To the annoyance of the Old Woman.

I leave you alone for 5 minutes!

Fortunately, Cunegonde has a wealth of jewels

as we have seen. Later that night,

the resourceful Old Woman leads Cunegonde,

Candide and the jewels out of Paris,

and they manage to reach the Spanish

coastal town of Cadiz.

On the way, she holds them spellbound with

the improbable adventures of her life,

beginning with her claim to be the daughter

of a Polish Pope,

and having survived slavery,

pogroms and pirate captains,

but, in the process,

losing her birthright, her beauty

and one buttock.

Just the one?

Just the one.

This last detail so fascinates the young

lovers that they fail to notice the robbery

of their jewels. The Old Woman,

feeling responsible, vows to restore their

fortunes and attempts to seduce a group

I’m sorry I’m going to start that lot again

I got completely confused with old men and

old women here.

Though you wouldn’t to look at her of course

So...

The Old Woman,

feeling responsible, vows to restore their

fortunes and attempts to seduce a group

of prosperous-looking roués in a local

tavern by singing sentimentally of her

hometown of Rovno-Gubernia.

I was not born in sunny Hispania

My mother came from Rovno-Gubernia

But now I’m here I’m dancing a tango

Di dee di!

Dee di dee di

I am easily assimilated

I am so easily assimilated

I never learned a human language

my mother spoke a high middle Polish

in one half hour I’m talking in Spanish

Por favor! Toreador!

I am easily assimilated

I am so easily assimilated

It’s easy, it’s ever so easy!

I’m Spanish, I’m suddenly Spanish

And you must be Spanish too

do like the natives do

these days you have to be

in the majority

tus labios rubi

Dos rosas que se abren a mi

Conquistan mi corazón

Y solo con

Una canción

mis labios rubi

Dreiviertel takt

Mon tres cher ami mis labios rubi

Oui oui, si si, ja ja, yes yes, da da,

Je ne sais quoi!

me muero, me sale una hernia!

a long way from Rovno-Gubernia!

mis/tus labios rubi

Dos rosas que se abren a mi

Conquistan mi corazón

Y solo con

Una divina canción

De tus labios rubi!

Rubi! Rubi!

Hey!

me muero, me sale una hernia!

A long way from Rovno-Gubernia!

mis/tus labios rubi

Dos rosas que se abren a mi

Conquistan mi corazón

Y solo con

Una divina canción

De tus labios rubi!

Rubi! Rubi!

Olé!

The roués, though captivated

Naturally.

Are impoverished, and the Old Woman’s

tremendous effort goes for naught.

Providentially, a fellow in the tavern

named Cacambo unexpectedly offers

Candide a captain’s commission fighting

for the Jesuits in Montevideo.

They prepare to embark for the New World

as Act One optimistically concludes.

Once again we must be gone

moving onward to the new world!

Shall our hopes be answered there?

Is that land so good and fair?

In that land across the sea

when our quest at last is ended

when all our fortune shall be mended

we shall dwell there

Free of ev’ry care, happy we

Stripped though we are

of our possessions, my dear

we shall go far

through our professions, my dear

if this new world has plenty of gallants

we’ll right our balance

using our talents, my dear

go now and save

Montevideo, Candide!

Faithful and brave

go on your way, o Candide!

You must deter the heathen invader

drive out the raider

like a crusader, Candide

You were in a funk

your confidence was failing

you were feeling sunk

but once again you’re sailing

farewell, old world

I was depressed

Shall my hopes for the first time be answered

Yes, go Candide

Farewell to the old!

Farewell to distress!

Farewell to the old!

We’re bound for the realms of gold!

Welcome back.

You will be happy to know that Candide

and his companions took advantage of that

substantial interval to travel all the way

to the New World.

Montevideo is buzzing with a festive

auction of slave-girls. Among the bidders

we discover the Governor of Montevideo,

one Don Fernando D’Ibarra y Figueroa

y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza.

Buenas tardes.

It crosses Cunegonde’s mind that maybe

she and the Old Woman can ensnare

the Governor with their womanly wiles.

Do you think he might..Take an interest in us?

How can you ask such a question?

I know ... I didn’t mean ...

Madam ... We are women!

we are women

we are women

we are women

Little women

Little little women

Are we!

Not a man ever born ever could resist

a well-turned calf, a slender wrist

a silhouette as airy as a morning mist

and a dainty dimpled knee

Ev’ry male I may meet must acclaim for weeks

my twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks

my memorable mammaries like alpine peaks

high above a wine dark sea

we’ve necks like swans

we’ve necks like swans

and sexly legs

and oh, so such sexly legs

we’re so light-footed we could dance on eggs

a pair of nymphs from fairyland

and ev’ry day in ev’ry way our charms expand!

you may add

if you wish

to that growing list

a mouth so fair

it must be kissed

and parts we cannot mention but we know exist

in a rich abundancy

not a man ever born ever could resist

a pretty little thing like me!

not a man ever born ever could resist

A well-turned calf, a slender wrist

A silhouette as airy as a morning mist

And a dainty dimpled knee

ev’ry male I may meet must acclaim for weeks

My twinkling thighs, my flaxen cheeks

My memorable mammaries like alpine peaks

High above a wine dark sea

we’ve giotto hands

we’ve giotto hands

da vinci smiles

and mona lisa smiles

we’re brava divina to balletophiles

a pair of nymphs from fairyland

and ev’ry day in ev’ry way our charms expand!

you may add

if you wish

to that growing list

a mouth so fair

it must be kissed

and parts we cannot mention but we know exist

In a rich abundancy

not a man ever born ever could resist

a pretty little thing like me!

We are women! We are women!

We are women! We are little little women!

Little, little, little women are we!

Captain Candide, as he now styles himself,

is excited to present his bride to the Governor,

and asks him to officiate at their wedding.

But the Governor would like to lay siege

to Cunegonde himself, and is eager

to get Candide out of the way.

Perhaps this would be an appropriate time

for you to review your new company?

Yes, sir.

And while you are gone

I shall entertain Lady Cunegonde...

Poets have said

Love is undying my love

don’t be misled

they were all lying my love

Love’s on the wing

but now while he hovers

let us be lovers

one soon recovers my love

Soon the fever’s fled

for love’s a transient blessing

just a week in bed

and we’ll be convalescing

Why talk of morals

when springtime is flying?

why end in quarrels

reproaches and sighing

crying for love?

my love?

I cannot entertain

your shocking proposition

how could I regain

my virginal condition?

I am so pure that

before you may bed me

you must assure me

that first you will wed me

Wed me!

well then

since you’re so pure

I shall betroth you, my love

though I feel sure

I’ll come to loathe you, my love

still for the thrill

I’m perfectly willing

for if we must wed

before we may bed

then come let us wed

my love!

The scene shifts once more

and for no terrifically

good reason Candide is now lost and starving

in the jungle. Coming upon an abandoned boat,

he and his trusty servant, Cacambo,

take a harrowing ride down-river,

plunging through roaring rapids into the darkness

of a monstrous cavern and finally

emerging into a strange country

surrounded by unscalable mountains.

Eldorado!

It is even more beautiful that Westphalia!

Candide has stumbled upon the paradise

of his Panglossian dreams. Greed, envy and hatred

are nonexistent, poverty and want unknown.

The inhabitants of Eldorado are gentle,

kind and witty, even in translation.

Man’s relationship to God is personal

and private, doctrinal differences unimaginable,

Science and Religion celebrated indivisibly.

There is love without possession, freedom

without license and justice without lawyers.

And sheep. Lots of sheep.

Candide is mesmerized.

The streets are paved with rubies and diamonds.

And the sheep are golden!

And indeed they are. Jewels and golden sheep

are so common as to be valueless in Eldorado.

But to Candide they are the means of both

recovering his beloved Cunegonde

and making himself her social equal.

Confronted with a man who wishes

to leave Paradise, the perplexed but obliging

people of Eldorado construct a miraculous

machine to lift him, Cacambo, and numerous

jewel-laden golden sheep over

the unscalable mountains.

What is Paradise without true love

and social position?

Up a sea-shell mountain

across a primrose sea

to a jungle fountain

high up in a tree

Then down a primrose mountain

across a sea-shell sea

to a land of happy people

just and kind and bold and free

To Eldorado

They bathe each dawn in a golden lake

em’ralds hang on every vine

all is there for all to take

food and god and books and wine.

They have no words for fear and greed

for lies and war, revenge and rage

they sing and dance and think and read

they live in peace and die of age

In Eldorado

They gave me home, they called me friend

they taught me how to live in grace

seasons passed without an end

in that sweet and blessed place.

But I grew sad and could not stay

without my love my heart grew cold

so they sadly sent me on my way

with gracious gifts of gems and gold

From Eldorado

‘Goodbye’ they said ‘we pray you

may safely cross the sea’

‘go’ they said ‘and may you

find your bride to be’

Then past the jungle fountain

along a silver shore

I’ve come by sea and mountain

to be with my love once more

From Eldorado

To be with my love once more

Candide’s arduous flight over the mountains

takes a great toll on his sheep.

When he finally arrives in the Dutch colony

of Surinam, only three sheep remain.

Afraid to risk arrest by returning to

Montevideo, the trusting Candide sends

Cacambo to ransom Cunegonde

with a sheep and to bring her

to rendezvous with him in Venice.

An itinerant street sweeper named Martin,

who just happens to overhear Candide’s

instructions to Cacambo, is appalled

by Candide’s reckless faith

in human nature.

Hawks will always prey on doves,

my boy. Not to mention

wolves on sheep.

But men have Free Will!

Free will? Humanity? Love?

Huh

Hah

Ha ha ha ha,

Words, words, words, words

I have no words

to describe the vanity of life

the insane inanity of life

I have no words but ha!

Mid grime and slime

why waste our time

spouting some Spinoza monograph

even one short Shakespeare paragraph

I’ll save my breath, but wait!

There just occurred to me

a word that may just possibly

apply to all of us

trapped on this ball of dust

Two tiny syllables

but spiny syllables

one single word

Absurd!

Ha! Absurd

Ha! Absurd

Ha ha ha ha!

Absurd!

Ha ha ha ha!

Don’t make me laugh

it hurts to laugh

Oh oh

Whoa ho ho ho ho ho!

Don’t make me laugh!

Don’t make me titter!

all wheat is chaff

all pills are bitter

nothing to trust in

this worst of all possible worlds

all ends in dust in

this worst of all possible worlds

Any questions?

Don’t ask them now

they’re useless anyhow

Were you in my position, friend

were you a humble sweeper

your thoughts on man’s condition, friend

would be a little deeper

If ev’ry blessed day, my friend

brought dung and bone and spittle

for you to clear away, my friend

’Twould change your mind a little

Yes, dung and bone and spittle

and mud and trash

and blood and ash

and souvenirs of lust

And ev’ry sort of residue

in process of reduction to

the final state of dust

You’d laugh along with me, my friend

You’d laugh until you’d bust!

Hah!

Ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Huh.

Heh.

Pphff.

Tchhh.

Nyaah.

HAAAA!

Back to the day job...

A local Dutch merchant

named Vanderdendur ...

Goede dag.

... Notices Candide’s sheep.

In exchange for one of them, he offers

Candide the Santa Rosalia,

a splendid sailing ship, coincidentally

bound for Venice that very afternoon.

Martin questions whether the ship

is really seaworthy, but Candide

ignores his warning against the deal ...

The man’s a cynic!

... And sets sail for Venice

with his faith in ‘Optimism’ once again

flying at full mast. The gleeful villagers

of Surinam gather at the shore to sing

him off, but one can’t help but

notice Vanderdendur twirling

his moustache in a rather

unpleasant manner.

bon voyage, dear fellow

dear benefactor of your fellow man!

May good luck attend you

do come again and see us when you can

bon voyage, dear fellow

dear benefactor of your fellow man!

May good luck attend you

do come again and see us when you can

oh, but I’m bad

oh, but I’m bad

playing such a very dirty trick

on such a fine lad!

I’m a low cad

I’m a low cad

Always when I do this sort of thing

It makes me so sad

Ever so sad!

Oh, but I’m bad!

Ever so bad!

Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

Bon voyage!

Bon voyage, we’ll see ya

do have a jolly trip across the foam

Santa rosalia

do have a safe and pleasant journey home

journey home, journey home, journey home

Bon voyage, bon voyage, bon voyage

I’m so rich that my life is an utter bore

There is just not a thing that I need

My desires are as dry as an apple core

And my only emotion is greed

Which is why, though I’ve nothing

to spend it for

I have swindled this gold from

Candi-di-di

Di-di

Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-dide

Poor Candide!

But I never would swindle

the humble poor

For you can’t get a turnip to bleed

When you swindle the rich

you get so much more

Which is why I have swindled Candide

Oh dear

I fear

He’s going down

He’s going to drown!

Ah, poor Candide!

bon voyage, dear stranger

hope that the crossing will not prove too grim

you seem to be in danger

but we expect that you know how to swim

what a dumb goat, what a dumb goat

Handing me a fortune

for a perfect wreck of a boat

Never did float, never did float

This is going to make

a most amusing anecdote

Never did float, wreck of a boat

What a dumb goat!

Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

Bon voyage! Bon voyage!

Bon voyage!

Bon voyage, best wishes!

Seems to have been a bit of sabotage

Things don’t look propitious

Still from the heart we wish you

Bon voyage, bon voyage

Bon voyage!

Bon voyage!

I don’t need to tell you that the ship

sinks a few miles out to sea.

Candide swims back to the coast of Surinam,

weak and cold and frightened and miserable.

The wickedness of mankind has cut him

to the quick, and the smallest doubts

once again threaten to temper

his habitual optimism.

My master told me

the world is warm and good

it deals more coldly

than I had dreamt it would.

Men must have kindness

I cannot see

it must be me

it must be me

But help is at hand, and Candide

and his last remaining sheep are saved

by a passing galley. One of the galley

slaves turns out, most picaresquely,

to be our old friend Dr. Pangloss.

The vessel eventually makes it to Venice,

where it is Carnival time, and the Casino

is in full swing. It’s filled with

familiar faces, but, as a masked ball

is conveniently in progress, none of them

is recognizable to Candide.

Paquette is there, surrounded by

male admirers, while Maximilian

is now the corrupt Prefect of Police,

on the take from the Casino.

The Old Woman and Cunegonde

are working women too, flaunting

their feminine charms to encourage

the gamblers.

I have served on both sides of the ocean

and I’ve given it all that I had

but despite all my toil and devotion

my poor master is broken and sad

yes, he’s broken and sad

I too served in the house of my lady

and in all things was anxious to please

but I now serve whoever has paid me

with the dainties of lust and disease

What’s the use?

What’s the use?

You get nothing by trying

It just leaves you crying

For things don’t work out

what on earth is this world all about?

At surviving I haven’t a rival

I have gone through more lives than a cat

but just what is the point of survival

If the ending is squalid and flat

I’ve a worse tale than that

I was born to wear purple and ermine

and to have a luxurious lot

but life’s forced me to mingle with vermin

and to suffer as princes should not

What’s the use?

What’s the use?

oh, it’s all so depressing

so deeply distressing

that things don’t work out

what on earth is this world all about?

As an optimist metaphysician

I’m a thinker who never retracts

and I’ve clung to my sanguine position

in the teeth of the ugliest facts

in the teeth of the facts

You might think that mankind

would acknowledge

how I’ve proven that all’s for the best

With a well-endowed chair at some college

But it seems that the world’s not impressed

What’s the use?

What’s the use?

This injustice so shakes me

that sometimes it makes me

cry out, seized by doubt

What on earth is this world all about?

You are all feeling hurt and dejected

and you say you’ve been treated amiss

may I ask what the hell you expected

in a hellish creation like this

a creation like this?

Our existence is cruel and terrible

but it’s full of misfortune and pain

but the one thing that makes it unbearable

is to listen to people complain

What’s the use?

What’s the use?

It affects me like rabies

when men act like babies

and pout, scream and shout

what on earth is this world all about?

What does it mean?

Oh what ...

Oh what’s the use?

What’s the use?

Will you please stop complaining?

This world needs explaining!

For things don’t work out

what on earth is this world all about?

As Dr Pangloss gambles merrily in one corner,

Cunegonde and the Old Woman, still masked,

attempt to bamboozle a similarly masked

Candide out of his riches.

They have had strict orders from the Casino’s

owner, who is determined to get his

hands on Candide’s remaining golden sheep.

I’ve got troubles as I said

mother’s dying, father’s dead

all my uncles are in jail

It’s a very moving tale

Though our name, I say again is

quite the proudest name in Venice

our afflictions are so many

and we haven’t got a penny

Madam, I am desolate

at your family’s tragic state

any help that I can give

please do tell me where they live

I shall look them up tomorrow

and alleviate their sorrow

with a check made out to bearer

in the meantime, buona sera

We’ve got troubles, as she said

mother’s dying, father’s dead

all her uncles are in jail

It’s a very moving tale

Although our name I say again is

quite the proudest name in Venice

all our uncles are in jail

it is a very moving tale ...

Ah, what a tale!

... A moving tale!

Millions of rubles and lire and francs

broke the bank

broke the bank

broke the best of all possible banks

Pieces of gold to the ladies I throw

easy come

easy go

Shining gold to the ladies I throw

see them on their knees before me

If they love me, can you blame them?

Little wonder they adore me

watch them woo me as I name them

lady frilly, lady silly

pretty lady willy-nilly

lady lightly, lady brightly

charming lady fly-by-nightly

my lady fortune found me

what a joy to have around me

lovely ladies, six or seven

this is my idea of heaven

Fortune keep the wheel a-spinning, spinning

they adore me while I’m winning!

lady frilly, lady silly

pretty lady willy-nilly

lady lightly, lady brightly

charming lady fly-by-nightly

Fools love only one or two

ladies, I love all of you

We’ve got troubles as she/I said

Mothers dying, fathers dead

lady frilly, lady silly

Pretty lady willy-nilly

It is a very moving tale.

Candide tears off Cunegonde’s mask

and then tears off his own.

Cunegonde!

Candide!

He was unable to believe that this cold,

hardened, greedy, grasping woman

could also be his one true love.

Is it this, the meaning of my life

the sacred trust I treasured

nothing more than this?

All of my hope and pleasure

no more than this?

The love I dreamed and cried for

nothing more than this?

All that I killed and died for

no more than this?

That smile, that face

a halo round it

that youth, that charm, that grace

Behold I have found it

Nothing more than this

no more than this?

What did you dream

angel face with flaxen hair

soul as dead as face was fair?

Did you ever care?

yes, you cared for what these purses hold

you cared for gold

you cared for gold

Take it for my kiss

my bitter kiss

since it was this you wanted

no more than this

For days, Candide does not speak.

With his one remaining sheep, he buys

a small farm outside Venice,

generously allowing Paquette,

Maximilian, Cacambo, Dr. Pangloss,

the Old Lady and even Cunegonde to live

with him there. As the days pass,

Candide remains silent, the tiny wheels

of his mind slowly, but finally,

turning and turning and turning ...

Life is neither good nor bad

Life is life, and all we know

good and bad and joy and woe

are woven fine

are woven fine

All the travels we have made

all the evils we have known

even paradise itself

are nothing now

are nothing now

Cunegonde.

We are not what we were,

nor do we wish to be. What we wanted

we will not have.

The way we have loved

we will not love again.

We love now for what we are.

You’ve been a fool and so have I

but come and be my wife

and let us try before we die

to make some sense of life.

We’re neither pure nor wise nor good

we’ll do the best we know

we’ll build our house and chop our wood

and make our garden grow

and make our garden grow

I thought the world was sugar-cake

or so our master said

but now I’ll teach my hands to bake

our loaf of daily bread

We’re neither pure nor wise nor good

we’ll do the best we know

we’ll build our house and chop our wood

and make our garden grow

and make our garden grow

Let dreamers dream what worlds they please

those Edens can’t be found

the sweetest flow’rs, the fairest trees

are grown in solid ground

We’re neither pure nor wise nor good

we’ll do the best we know

we’ll build our house and chop our wood

and make our garden grow

and make our garden grow

Any questions?

Let us review lesson eleven

paragraph two, axiom seven

once one dismisses

the rest of all possible worlds

one finds that this is

the best of all possible worlds

once one dismisses

the rest of all possible worlds

one finds that this is

the best of all possible worlds

any questions?

what about war?

War ...

Though war may seem a bloody curse

it is a blessing in reverse

when canons roar

both rich and poor

by danger are united

’til ev’ry wrong is righted

Philosophers make evident

the point that I have cited

’Tis war makes equal, as it were

the noble and the commoner

thus war improves relations

now on to conjugations

amo, amas, amat, amamus

amo, amas, amat, amamus

Proving that this is

the best of all possible worlds

with love and kisses

the best of all possible worlds

quod erat demonstrandum!

Q.E.D.

quod erat demonstrandum!

Q.E.D.

Amo, amas, amat, amamus

Quod erat demonstrandum

In this best of all possible worlds!

Quod erat demonstrandum!

Q! E! D!