Original subtitles

Ooh.

Hi.

Come here.

Oh, my God, Mom!

I can't help it.

It's only elementary school.

- Mm. - It's okay.

Mm.

Mm.

What?

Mm.

All right, listen, Mom.

By the time Duke graduates high school at 18,

she's gonna be such a bitch that you're gonna be

so happy she's off to college.

And Max will have moved in and out of the house

by then probably ten or so times?

So, you're not gonna have to worry about being frail and old

and alone and not have anyone to feed and bathe you.

- Thank you? - And if you don't have someone,

don't worry.

We're all gonna die from climate change.

- Frankie! - Frankie!

Don't say that!

Ka nui nga mihi.

I'm proud of you.

Don't worry. Teenagers are gonna fix the world.

I mean, preteens have already figured out

how to break down Styrofoam.

And now there are machines that can suck CO2

out of the atmosphere.

Oh, thank God.

But before you get too excited,

oil companies are the ones funding these machines,

so as long as they can take CO2 out of the air,

they're still gonna sell gas.

♪ My little dearie ♪

♪ You're not the only one ♪

♪ Who cares for me ♪

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

- Thanks. Yeah. Welcome. - Hi!

Look who's here!

- Hello, Samuel. - Hi!

- How are you? - Hi.

- Hi, Caroline. - Hi!

- How are you? - How are you?

- Good to see you. - Mom.

- Hello. - Hello, Marion.

Hello, Caroline.

- Nice to see you again. Oh. - Hello. Oh.

Okay.

Uh, come in, please. Everyone, please.

- Oh. - Welcome. Come in.

Yes. Whoa. Oh!

Yeah.

I love these old Hancock Park homes.

- Right? - Wow!

Echo. Echo.

The chandelier is so cool. It's huge!

Is it secure, Marion?

Yes. Yes, it's secure.

During earthquakes, those are the first to go.

- You're fine. - Well, I'd prefer not to stand here.

Who's forcing you to stand there, Phyllis?

Come in, please.

Look, there's more house.

Whoa!

Look at this living room!

House Targaryen.

- Uh, well... - Wow.

Yes, Caroline decorated the place,

chose all the art herself.

- Mm. - She deserves all the credit.

- Thank you. - Please.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Uh, so how do you, uh, like living in L.A.?

Oh, well, technically, we're not living here.

The house in Texas is still our home base.

- Mm. - But we bought this place

because we felt we needed an L.A. presence,

with Dormin being a junior at Stanford,

and Marion being...

Well, he comes out here so often on a whim.

And my work bringing me here.

Well, your work doesn't really bring you out here.

Occasionally it does.

Sure. Every now and then.

- Yes, that's what "occasionally" means. - Yeah. That's right.

Every so often. Yeah.

I'm gonna get a drink, but, anyway, this is so cool.

- Come on, Mom. - Should we get a lemon drop?

Yeah. Let's get a...

I don't like that bottom.

You look beautiful, by the way.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

And The Kid says...

"The hell do you think?"

Oh, my God.

I love when Uncle Marion does this. He's, like, a genius.

No, those impressions are so old and expired and lame.

It's like he's speaking a dead language.

Sometimes it happens. It goes. Ooh.

My favorite nephew.

- Hi, baby. How's school? - I hate everyone there.

Good.

You're the only communist to ever endure business school.

- I love that. - Thanks. You want a drink?

Yeah. Set me up.

Oh, are we having a little nip?

Yeah. He made me a ginger mule?

- Ginger mule. - Mule.

It's really good, actually.

- L'chaim. - L'chaim.

L'chaim.

Oh, burns right there. Hee-up-ah!

Oh, no. Take it by the stem,

- and then you get a better sound. - Oh, my God.

Okay. Let's see.

No difference.

Hi. Hi, everyone.

Thank you so much for coming.

Yes. Thank you.

To all of our L.A. friends, welcome.

Drink the wine, taste the cheeses.

Uh, the Surrey White Stilton Gold was flown in from England,

so only a few dozen blocks were made.

Yes, thank you, everyone, for coming.

I hope you enjoy our new house.

And, uh, paraphrasing our favorite Lieutenant Columbo,

Think of this as a great place

to come home to to finish getting drunk.

See? She gets it.

I can do it, too.

Are you all right?

I saw you were choking a second ago.

Oh, no, I wasn't choking. I was gagging.

You see, the Stilton was cold.

You can't do that. Ruins the cheese.

- Y-You know what? - What?

I simply told her her Stilton should not be served cold,

and I was absolutely right.

Mm.

What should I do with this?

Is there a dog anywhere?

Can we go and eat now?

- I'm starving. - Mm.

I think we've put enough time into this family root canal.

Yeah. Okay.

I just want to take a family picture. Bro!

Come here. Let's take a family picture.

- Over there. - Family photo.

- How did we not do this already? - Oh, excuse me.

Do you mind taking a picture

of me and my family?

- Thank you so much. - There we are. Oh.

You just press the camera.

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, hang on. Let me just move this.

- No! Don't touch this... - I apologize.

Ready? And... on three.

Take several. They're cheap.

Yeah. That's good.

- Cute! - That's nice.

All right, one more, but this time, only blood.

Sure.

Hmm.

There we are.

- Lovely. Good. - Okay.

Right. Uh, good night, Marion.

Unbelievable pleasure, Mom.

We're going. Sorry, bro.

- We're starving, so... - No.

Yeah. You want to go? We're gonna go to Tacos Mexico.

I knew it. I said to her,

"People are gonna leave hungry."

We argued about it for days.

Now look at this. People are leaving hungry.

- You were right. - Well, I love you.

- You, too. - I'll see you later.

- All right. - Bye, Uncle Marion.

- I'm gonna miss you the most. - I love you.

Don't tell the others.

What's up?

- What? - Hi. I'm not...

- Uh, come here. - What?

- I want... Let's talk for one sec. - Okay.

- Hi. - Hey, how's it going?

I was just wondering h-how-how you doing?

How are you and Caroline doing?

What? We're fine.

What do you want? Stop. Seriously.

You're looking at me like a weirdo.

Nothing. I want you to be happy.

When did I say I'm not?

Not everyone needs to be divorced, okay?

Whoa, that's not fair.

That's not what I'm saying.

It must become tiresome at some point, right?

Waving the singledom flag

with such self-righteousness.

Knocking on everyone's door.

"Are you guys okay?"

"You sure you don't need a break?"

Throwing everyone's relationship

off its axis with your adorable voice.

Maybe, I don't know,

some couples actually want to work through their shit.

Crazy.

- You're right. I'm a dick. - Hmm.

But if you actually do ever need help,

I want you to blink twice.

Because I can't tell if that rant

was your wife's opinion or your own.

Such a world-class pain in the ass.

I know.

That's because I love you like a brother...

- Mm-hmm. - ... who is actually my brother.

- Turns out. - Yo.

All right.

- Sorry I'm leaving. - Don't.

Get out of my face.

All right. Remember.

Blink twice.

How's this? Is this a blink?

Yeah, that's kind of a b-b-blink-blink.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It was fun.

Oh, yeah.

Have a good time being impacted by the cheese wheel.

Hi.

Um, how does this work, exactly?

You just give me your ID,

- and I check you in. - Okay.

Cool, cool. Here you go.

Uh, could you take it out of your wallet, please?

Oh, okay.

See, it's just...

It's kind of hard for me to...

I'm actually here for my hands.

It's so funny.

Okay.

This is so weird.

It used to be very, very scary and hard

to buy pot.

I remember there used to be this guy

who was, like, this amazing musician,

but he was also starving, so you used to call and say,

"Hey, man, you got any music?"

Girl, I used to score from a guy

from Studio 54, Johnny Bag O' Doughnuts.

He's in Sing Sing now.

I once got kicked out of a store

for calling a bong a bong.

I mean, this was in the Poconos, for Christ's sakes.

Those were the days.

- Mm-hmm. - Here's your ID back.

You were born in '69?

I was copping weed in '69.

- I'm 68. - What?

- I look good. - Yeah, you do.

- I'll buzz you in. - Thank you.

- Bye-bye. - You really... You're 68?

- Hallelujah. - Damn.

We got a lot of weed stuff.

"Cannabis-infused pineapple."

"Relief, best of the planet's pain-fighting cannabinoid."

You're not allowed to have this.

Only Mommy.

How the f... do you even get this open?

See, this is the problem. People with bad hands...

... can't open anything.

Here we go.

Is it lighting up?

Did it the wrong way.

Hmm. What do you think is supposed to happen?

Mm-hmm.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Better. Better.

Nice. Cold.

Hi, Chewy. Who's my baby?

Hold me.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

_

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Mm. "Hi, Elise.

"Oh, man.

"I am so sorry.

"I can't come over to your house right now, period.

"My car is broken, period.

Is there..."

"Is there any way

you can bring Duke home, exclamation point."

Shit.

I mean, "question mark."

_

Seriously?

Ugh!

Hi, Mom. The only reason I'm answering

is 'cause I'm in the bathroom. I can't talk.

I need you to come home right now.

- Mm-hmm. - What? Why?

I'm very high.

I'm very, fucking very high.

I hate it. I need you.

This is a family emergency.

Duke is coming home.

No, I need you

to bring her home to me.

Mom, I can't come home.

I'm at work.

I can't do it because I'm ossified.

Please, please, honey. I'll pay you.

You got to get somebody to cover for you.

Who gave you weed, Mom?

I went... I went to the...

I went to the weed store because...

And I told them that my hands hurt

and I have a bad knee

and I have anxiety

and I have OCD

and my kidneys move.

They must've given you something like

- Purple Kush OG. - No.

I got CBD.

I asked for CBD.

Well, you must have got something. That's THC.

I don't even know.

But kind of my hand doesn't hurt anymore.

It's just, like, flowing.

This shit really works.

Ooh.

Are you coming? You got to... you got to come now.

Oh.

Hi.

I'll be right back.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.

Shh. Okay.

Mom.

- What's the matter, Mom? - What's the matter with you?

Why did you have to come home from the sleepover early?

Why are you laying like that?

Are you really sick?

What's wrong with your car?

Mm.

I don't really have a stomachache.

I just didn't like being at Elise's house.

Mom got high by accident.

I can't talk about it now.

- Leave Mommy alone now. - Oh, my God, Mom!

I'm sorry.

Just give me a second.

I'm gonna fix you some food.

I think.

But you got to give me a minute.

I can't...

It's like...

I'm trapped.

I just got to stay here for a while.

Love you.

We are proud to introduce our guest virtuoso of the evening,

Pietro Del Campo.

Mom, I don't like that you smoked weed.

It's rude and hypocritical. What if I needed you?

Dude, you have to be nicer to Mom.

She's not gonna live forever.

- What? - Don't say that! Spit!

I'm just saying.

I mean, do you remember the scandal

that Max caused last year with Mr. Wong?

The time she had to jump off that boat to save me?

The time that you fell in the shower?

Max took, like, four years, and I took

at least five years off her life.

And if you're mean to her, too,

it's gonna be another two to three years, at least.

Which means she's got about six months to live.

- Also, she secret smokes. - Shut up!

Shh!

Everybody shh.

Watch the movie.

- I have to go pee. - No.

Nobody leaves. Do not leave.

We all stay.

I swear to God.

Are your cell phones charged? Where's the emergency kit?

- Get the kit. - I really have to pee.

No. No. If you go,

- we all have to go. - Oh, my God. Mom!

- We all have to stay together. - Stop!

- Family pee. - Oh, my God.

- Here we go. Yes. - Oh, my God.

W-W-W-Wait. Come here.

Oh, my God!

We're running!

I can't pee with you yelling.

Do you want me to run the water?

Okay, go. Let her...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

There we go.

Weird.

I kind of feel like I'm peeing.

- No, don't! - No!

There's got to be limits.

- There's got to be boundaries. - Here. Here, here.

Circle of protection.

What circle of protection?

Mom smoked weed... that's why we're in this situation.

Shh! You're yelling so loud.

I'm just saying.

Mom.

- Huh? - Can we talk for a second?

In my room?

Oh. That's your serious voice.

I don't...

You want to have a conversation? I don't think

- this is good in my condition. - Mom, it's not a thing.

Please don't make it a thing. If it was a thing,

I wouldn't be telling you about it.

Just please... could we go to my room?

But I have the... munchies.

- Am I in trouble? I didn't mean to... - Jesus, Mom,

- not everything's about you. - Okay, fine.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- It was my choice, Mom. - But, Frankie...

Put the pillow up, Mom.

Please?

- Is it up? - Yes.

Yeah, it's up, I swear.

It's up.

Oof...

I just...

needed it to be my choice when it happened.

I just didn't want some guy

to take it away from me without my consent.

I just needed it to be done

and gone, get rid of it.

Hy-man. Bye-man.

Oh...

You're my baby, you know.

- This is killing me. - I know, Mom.

I just wanted to get it out of the way.

I kind of wanted to see what it was like,

but honestly, I don't want to do it again,

not for a long time.

I'm just letting you know what happened.

It was more clinical than anything,

and honestly, the person I did it with

said that he felt like he had stumps for hands

and that he wasn't really, like, in his body.

I feel way worse for him.

Okay, you can ask me one question now.

- Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine.

Can I take you to see the nurse practitioner?

Oh, my God, Mom, that's two things.

- I... - Jesus.

Oof...

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus...

Fine, I can go Wednesday after school.

Okay.

Now, can you please just go back to being high?

No problem.

I never stopped.

I can't stop.

I can't get un-high.

And all I want in the world is peppermint Christmas ice cream,

and it's summer.

You want to go get food?

Let's go see what we have in the kitchen.

'Cause I was gonna go anyway, and then you dropped this...

fucking huge bomb on me.

- Sorry. - Come here.

- Are you okay? - Yes.

- Do you need a cane? - I think you need a cane.

Yes, I do. Do you feel different?

- Not really. - You look different.

- Taller, maybe? - Yeah. Little bit.

One sec.

Where are you going?

Getting mints.

You wanted peppermint ice cream, didn't you?

Mmm!

Got to put mints in peppermint ice cream.

Ow.

You broke it.

Oh, my God.

Ooh...

- I see what you're gonna do. - Mm-hmm.

Ah...

- Oh... - See, these are the ones...

- There we go. - Whoa.

- It's really soft. It's great. - It's really soft.

Whoa. Okay.

Little bit of agave.

Mmm. Perfect.

- Okay, I'm gonna stir it. - Yes!

- You want to help? - Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Bro!

- Good? - Mmm!

Follow me.

Oh.

Ah...

The air.

The air feels nice.

Yes.

Mm!

We should have marshmallows.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com