Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Whoa!

- Hi. Dude. Mom. - Hey.

I missed you so much.

Oh, you did?

- Baby. - Oh, ew.

- Mom, don't. - Oh, sorry.

- Yes. Yes, sir. - Okay.

I missed... Yes.

I missed... Very good. Hello.

Who is that?

- Hi, Mom. - Who is this?

- Hi, Gran. - Who is this?

I missed you so much.

I missed you.

I brought presents.

- You did?! - Yeah.

Cute!

Hi, Gran the man.

- What? - Slow down.

- Oh. I'm sorry, Gran. - Oh, come on.

I forgot about your life jacket.

Never mind.

- Hello, darling. - Hi, Gran.

- I missed you. - Aw.

Did you miss me?

We only ever have today.

Are you helping your mother with the luggage?

- She's got it. - She's fine.

Cool, cool, cool. I'll just, uh...

Did you ask her?

- Nan, she's fine. - Oh, please.

- It's not even that heavy. - All right.

- All right. - I got everything.

Ow.

Mom.

Has it been raining like this the whole time?

Yes.

- That's so cozy. - No fair.

I wish it would rain like this all year.

- Same. - Why is the window open?

Close your window, for God's sake.

Okay.

How's my dogs? And Dr. Bedloe?

They're good, bunny.

They missed you, but I missed you the mostest.

Aw.

Mom, I want to create a dating profile for you.

- A what? - Can you turn down the music,

please? I can't hear myself think.

Okay. Jesus.

- Anything else, milord? - Mom.

Mom. Mom!

- Oh! Turn this up. - What?

No projectiles.

- Mom, I want to make a dating profile - Turn it up.

for you on, like, Bumble or Raya or some shit.

No, thank you. I'm all set.

I am a volcel.

I'm a voluntary celibate.

It's true, Mom. You need someone.

Why? I'm fine. I'm seriously fine.

I have my friends and you guys and Uncle Rich,

our dogs and Dr. Bedloe, and-and my work.

♪ We don't need, we don't need... ♪

So...

did you guys have a good time while you were there?

I don't know. Kind of.

You can have had a good time.

It's okay by me.

Mom.

Really sorry to say this,

but my-my dad wanted to know

if you were gonna send him something?

Oh. What?

Um, he told me to ask you.

Sorry, what-what is that?

Is he asking for money?

You really shouldn't be driving in this weather.

We could get trapped in a mudslide.

Mom, I don't think you should send him any money anymore.

I mean, his family owns, like, a ton of businesses.

Okay, well, what do you think?

I want to give him money?

I don't want him coming for me.

Bless you.

One for a wish, two for a kiss, three's for a letter...

- If anyone sneezes. - If anyone sneezes.

Ow.

Don't pick at it. Don't pick at it.

Gran, how long do you have to wear the Cardiac Buddy for?

Ugh. Well, it's a temporary situation,

but I'm almost finished.

I just need the okay from my cardiologist.

Excuse me all over the place,

but I really can't bear it anymore.

- Mm. - I don't remember why I have

to have it. I'm in perfect health.

Nan?

- Nan! - Oh. I feel very tired.

Mom?

Mom, is something

going on with Nan? Is she having a heart attack

or something?

Mom?

Mom.

You'll need to wear a personal defibrillator

for a few months while we monitor your situation.

- Whoa! - Whoa.

Bollocking shit-licker!

Phil. Don't do that. Christ's sakes.

- Oh, God. - Fuck you!

Mom!

What are you doing right now?

Well, it's incredibly rude and dangerous.

It's not for you. It's for the driver

to have road rage if she so chooses.

- Jesus! - Oh, my God.

Behave! Close your window.

God.

Guys, don't encourage her.

- Follow that driver! - God!

MOONX357.

- That's the number plate. - Shh!

Hey, hey, hey.

- Nan! - I mean... Mom!

Shh. That's it.

Okay.

Get out.

Don't be ridiculous.

- Mom! - Mom!

Get... out.

I have a serious heart condition.

I could pop off at any moment.

Which you'd be very glad about

when I'm not in your hair anymore.

Bro, that's what the defibrillator is for.

- It'll shock you and call the hospital. - Mom!

It even has a GPS in case she gets lost.

You're not allowed in the car anymore.

Goodbye now.

If you can't behave, you can't stay.

Go on! Get going.

You can leave me here like the squirrels

and the skunks and the roadkills.

Okay. Bye.

- Nan, come back! - Nan!

- Phil! - Nan, oh, my God.

- Nan, come on! - Mom!

- Come back. - Nan! Come back!

- Nan! M... - Stop. Don't.

Turn around.

- Mom! You can't just do that! - Mom, you can't do that!

Okay. Phil, that's enough.

Come back.

- Wow. Okay. - Mom, stop.

Mom, you can't just do that.

- Yes, I can. - No, you can't. Go back.

- Yes, I can. - Go back.

- Mom! - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Let me enjoy this. I have had custody

of your grandmother the whole time you've been away.

Mom, this isn't funny anymore, and it's raining!

She could get electrocuted. Shock, shock, shock, shock.

Okay, okay.

I'm going back.

Getting the old hawk.

So, did you guys have fun at your dad's?

- Mm. - It was fine.

All G.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Can we get Fruit by the Foot?

They didn't let us have any fun food.

Fruit by the Foot?

You know it.

Nan! Nan, Nan, you have to come back.

- What? Why? - Come on, Nan.

- She doesn't mean it. - No, she doesn't.

- She does mean it. - No, she doesn't.

She does.

Thank you, Frankie.

Thank you. You see?

Your girls look after me.

I was gonna walk home, actually.

Yeah.

- You wouldn't have got me. - Mm-hmm.

They did.

Thank you, guys.

_

_

_

_

_

Sprang Break!

Sprang Break!

♪ Put the nipple to the bottle, never satisfied ♪

♪ Put the nipple to the bottle... ♪

♪ Now the cow must die ♪

♪ Hey! How you gonna get it? ♪

♪ If I ain't gonna give it? ♪

♪ How you gonna get it? Ooh! ♪

♪ If I ain't gonna give it? ♪

♪ Mm. ♪ Morning.

Coffee? Mm.

I worked until 2:30.

Can you please just...?

Mom, I love you.

Can you... just go? Please.

There's all kinds of things that...

... people can participate in during the day,

even if they have jobs at night,

and they-they wake up, and they go out,

let the sun hit their skin.

You know, even if they work in restaurants.

And there's all kinds of things they can participate in.

You know, work at night

and actually see the light of day, maybe.

I don't know. It's a crazy thought.

Mom?

Mom! Mom.

- Hmm. - Chef?

- Sam? Samwell Tarly? - Yes. Mm.

Your Grace. Breakfast is ready.

Mom.

- Yes. Mm. - Okay.

- So... - Hmm. Yes? What?

I kind of want... a...

I kind of want...

I want a big party this year for my birthday.

What?! Serious?!

Yeah. I really do.

I-I mean, I... I want a big party.

I've never had one before.

Who you telling? I've been wanting

to do something like this for you forever.

- Okay, well, I want a party. - Okay.

Okay! This is the best thing ever!

What do you want?

You want a party bus with a stripper pole?

You want Moonlight Rollerway?

You want a girls party?

You're gonna be 15.

You're gonna be 15.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God, I hope you take it easier on me at 15 than Max did.

That was intunse.

I know what I want.

I want a quinceañera.

You want a quinceañera?

You can't.

We can't do that.

We're too white for that. We're not allowed.

It's against the law.

It's not cultural appropriation, Mom.

It's-it's appreciation.

I mean, I-I want to honor the roots of the land

that I literally live on,

which was, for all intents and purposes...

Let's face it... Mexican land.

I mean, c-come on. Uh, Los Feliz, uh, Sepulveda,

Pico, Santa Monica.

Are you kidding me? I-I want to acknowledge

that California is a Latinx commonwealth of people

who have been marginalized.

You're so culturally... whatever.

No, I'm not.

Well, geez, you never even had a Bat Mitzvah.

I know. That's the point, and now I'm too old for one.

And you're too Jewish for a quinceañera.

And you're not too old for a Bat Mitzvah.

You can get Bat Mitzvahed at any age.

Remember, we went to Auntie Pascal's Bat Mitzvah.

Yeah, but Mom, I-I want to be the age of the thing

that we're supposed to be celebrating

traditionally at the time.

Huh.

Well...

And I want my dad to come.

I mean...

you to invite him.

I want... whether he shows up or not, I-I don't care.

I just, I want...

you to invite him.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Listen, I-I-I-I am happy

to have a party for you. That would be my pleasure

- to do that for you. - You have to...

invite my dad, Mom.

Oh.

You have to. It's part of it.

Oh.

"Oh, my God, shoes."

Sorry, not sorry.

Will you?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Uh-huh. Yup.

Yes, I am. I will do that.

I love you.

I love you.

All right. And...

"Oh, my God, shoes."

♪ Oh, my God, shoes ♪

- ♪ Shoes ♪ - "These shoes rule."

♪ These shoes rule ♪

- "These shoes suck." - ♪ These shoes suck ♪

- ♪ These shoes suck! ♪ - "These shoes suck."

♪ Shoes ♪

- _ - Oh.

♪ Shoes ♪

- ♪ These shoes suck ♪ - "These shoes suck."

♪ These shoes suck, shoes ♪

- "Oh, my God, shoes." - ♪ Oh, my God, shoes. ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Splash in the coffee ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Splash in the coffee ♪

- ♪ Matzo balls ♪ - ♪ Matzo balls-a-reeney ♪

- ♪ Gefilte fish ♪ - ♪ A-gefilte fish-o-vootie ♪

- ♪ Pickled herring ♪ - ♪ A-pickled herring-vootie ♪

- ♪ Lox-a-rooney ♪ - ♪ Oh, lox-a-rooney ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Splash in the coffee ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, splash ♪

♪ In the coffee ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Dunkin' bagel, dunkin' bagel ♪

♪ Splash in the coffee ♪

♪ How about a bowl of gefilte fish? ♪

He's young, honey.

That's what young people do, they move on.

You need some more brown?

Uh, I don't think I should.

I don't think I should.

I think the brown is getting me more down.

I knew I was in for pain.

Yeah.

Well, at least he had the balls to be honest with you.

Finally, I had to say the words.

"You seem different. What's going on?"

And when he said...

"I feel like I'm not as into it as you are,"

I argued with him.

I tried to talk him into...

loving me.

I tried to talk him into it.

Tried to talk him into loving me the way I love him, and...

It's insane.

Stupid.

But I didn't care.

Super attractive.

Yeah, really cute.

Cute-cute, right?

It's like a pheromone.

Desperacy.

Such a good look on me.

- Oh. - Shh.

Hi.

- Sorry. - No, no.

You okay, Guncle Rico?

This is... this is so embarrassing.

I'm a mess.

Come here.

Thank you.

Do you know,

you're gonna get through this.

Time is your friend.

And we're all here for you.

And you'll find love again.

And if you put the work in now,

you'll be better in the long run.

And, later,

when you meet someone,

they'll be better for you.

Because you'll be better then, too.

Okay.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

See you in the morning light.

Not if I see you first.

I love you both.

Uh...

I can't believe she even exists.

Same.

- That killed me. - Yeah.

Why don't you put the Housewives on?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Housewives. - Yeah.

Good?

Yes.

Hon.

Hey, hey, hey, baby!

Oh, my God! It's so good to see you!

I love you so much.

I love you more.

Well, I hope you're ready, 'cause...

tonight's the night I'm finally gonna stick it in.

Fuck yeah.

My evil plan worked.

You turned me.

I turned you. Yes.

Oh, this is a good one.

- You've seen this? - Mm-hmm.

Duker!

- Get chocolate! - Oh, that's...

From the secret drawer!

Oh, that's a great idea.

- Mm. - Oh.