Original subtitles

That bit. That's better.

Nasty bit. I don't like that bit, either.

There we are.

Yes.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Hi!

Hi. Oh, you're chipper.

Oh, ew, Mom.

Don't smell me. You're so creepy.

Sorry.

Uh, Harvey's over.

Oh. He is?

- Uh-huh. - Okay.

Does he want to stay for dinner?

I'm making.

Um, I don't know.

Well,

he could be out here

helping us with the groceries, maybe.

- Oh, no, Mom. It's fine. - Don't you think?

No, we got it. We're strong,

independent women.

Hey, Harvey. Hi.

Something wrong with your bones?

The way you're laying there,

I should call someone, right?

Ha ha! I'm just kidding.

Anyway, you must be exhausted.

You look completely exhausted.

- Hey, Mom. - Yeah.

Oh, no. We got these. That's fine.

Uh, so, Harvey, would you like to stay for dinner?

Uh, yeah, sure. That would be sweet.

All right. Cool.

Okay, Mom, we're going to go upstairs now.

No, no, no, no, no, baby. Stay down here.

Oh, no, Mom, seriously. We're just going to do homework.

No, no, no, no, no. Come help me with the groceries.

No. It's cool. I'll wait.

You want to help me cook?

Oh, no, Mom. We have a lot of homework.

That's great.

What is that?

Just messing around, something.

Hey, can I borrow you for a minute?

Yeah. Sure.

Cool. Step into my office.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Come on down.

Don't worry about it. I'm just going to talk to him.

No, Mom, this is... No, that's kind of weird.

- It's cool. - No, no, no, Mom.

- It's all right, baby. - Mom, this is really...

Mom?

Whew.

- Mom! - Have a seat.

- Mom! - Okay.

Mom! Um, no, no no! This is so weird!

- Mom, please! - I don't mean to scare you.

- Mom! - I'm not scared.

Mom! Mom!

- You know what? - Mom!

Come down here. It's quieter.

- Mom! Mom, no! - It's all right.

I'm not going to murder you.

Mom!

- Uh... - Yeah. Go on in there.

It's just the laundry room. Yeah.

Mom!

Oh. Great.

There you go. You sit.

Okay, Harvey,

you have to understand

that I'm Mom, Dad, and the cops around here,

and you seem like a nice kid,

but the first time I ever met you,

you lied right to my face.

Wait. What?

Yeah. It was when Max and Tyler were here

and they asked me if you could sleep over,

and they said, "It's okay. Harvey is gay. Ask him."

And I asked you,

and you turned to me with your adorable face,

and you said, "Yeah, I'm totally gay."

Yeah, they told me to say those things, so...

Okay. That's even worse.

So be that as it may,

you lied right to my face straight out of the gate.

Wait. Do you want me to be gay?

I... I don't... I don't get it.

I don't care what you are.

Gay guys can sleep in my daughter's room naked,

but straight guys and liars don't get to.

My daughter has never had, like,

a kind of relationship with a guy before thing,

so I would suggest

that you guys just work on the friendship, okay?

You can come over. I'll cook for you.

You guys could do homework.

It may help her focus. It may help you.

Another little thing.

I don't want you to smoke or drink around my daughter.

I don't want you to smoke or drink period,

but if you do, I want you to lie to my daughter that you don't.

And one last thing.

That should go nowhere near my daughter. Okay?

Do we understand each other?

Let's hug it out. Okay?

Come here.

Good job. You did good.

That wasn't so scary. Okay!

Honey, you can't.

What? What can't?

You can't point

at a 15-year-old boy's dick.

I just pointed.

I don't want his 15-year-old dick

pointing at my 15-year-old daughter.

That was the point of that point.

Oh, my God.

You sequestered a minor in a room forcibly

and pointed at his penis.

Do you know how close to jail you are?

Oh. Well, sorry.

Not really sorry.

Three people told me that loved my skirt today,

and I told them I'm a thrift shop addict.

Anyway, just so you know,

I went to see my hand doctor today...

or actually, was it yesterday?

and he gave me a shot,

and it helped a lot.

So obviously I'm not allergic to it.

Did I tell you this already?

Phyl, you should go home now.

I know. I eat so slowly, it drives her crazy.

- This is delicious. - It sure was.

And you know what, dear? I will come and sit with you.

Ah. So are you getting Sam some more work lately?

Because I read this book...

...and there was a project... Oh. Sorry.

- Time for me to go. - Hmm.

This was delicious.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm so lucky.

Okay. I'll clean.

Thank you very much. Glad you liked it.

I did like it.

Can I have some candy now?

I think you can.

Darling,

oh, you've got such beautiful skin.

Let me see your teeth.

Did your mommy make your dentist appointment?

- Did you? - Phyl.

- I know. - Night-night.

- Night-night. - Ta-ra.

- Ta-ra-ra-boom-dee-ay. - Bye.

Can I have some?

Yeah.

You guys can have, like, one more piece.

Ohh.

Can Rory have...

- Mm-hmm. - Kit-Kat?

Yeah, there's no nuts.

"Two is the beginning of the end."

Mama, no offense,

but you're kind of mean to Gran.

Oh. Honey, you're going to be mean to me, too.

Your sisters already are.

In fact, I need you to be mean to me when I'm old

so I don't feel so bad

about how mean I am to your grandmother now.

Was Gran mean to her mom?

I don't think so.

I think I started it.

"Of course they lived at 14.

Until Wendy came, her mother was the chief one."

Don't you think? It might be...

Oh! What the hell!

Oh, my God, Mom.

You freaked.

That's not funny.

A person could get injured, and they could sue you.

Nan, Mom's not going to sue me. It's just a coat.

I sued my mother.

Mom.

Goodbye.

- Ooh. - Are you okay?

You know, she keeps doing that to me on purpose.

Okay, this shit is on now!

I'm going to get her back. Ho-ho! Yes.

Mama, what are you going to do?

Mom, I'm scared.

No, baby. Don't you be scared.

I'm only playing. Mom and Frankie are in a game.

We're going to scare each other.

Oh, can I be in it?

Can I help scare her?

Sure.

But not too scary, though, right?

Well, I really want to scare her, though.

But I don't want it to be too scary.

Well, then maybe you could just let Mama do it.

But I want to be in it.

Okay, let's not worry about it right now.

Just go get your stuff together.

Wait. Why?

Because you're going to Pepper's house.

Remember?

What?

You're sleeping over.

You're going to paint her room.

Oh, shit, I forgot.

Duke.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I didn't mean to say that.

- I don't know... - My baby.

Your first swear.

I wish Uncle Modie was here

- because he would tickle you! - Oh, no!

- He would tickle you! - Oh, no!

And he would wash your mouth out with soap!

Okay. I am about to scare the shit out of you, Frankie.

Frankie, baby,

remember you told me to tell you

if I ever saw a big coyote?

There's a huge one outside. Get your phone.

Frankie.

Whoo. Boo!

Oh, my God, Mom.

That so didn't scare me at all.

Was there even really a coyote out there?

No.

Mom, you're so lame.

Turn the lights on.

Okay, fine. I'll turn the lights on.

Look. The power's out.

Okay, Mom? Don't.

I know what you're doing.

What?

Try the switch yourself.

Here.

You're doing this

because I said you're not fun anymore.

Really?

- I don't even remember that! - Oh!

Aah! Aah!

- You... - Yeah!

No! No! No!

I can scare you!

- Yeah! - You didn't.

You're gonna pay!

You're gonna pay!

- Oh! - Oof!

- No! - Yes!

And she's down!

No!

Yes! Yes! Ha!

Ow!

Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

T.O. T.O., T.O., T.O.

T.O. Frankie, T.O. Ow, ow, ow!

T.O. T.O. I hurt my foot.

I hurt my foot, seriously. Get off.

Frankie, get off!

You're so dramatic.

I'm not dramatic.

Oh. That was fun. It was really fun.

I'm sorry. I need ice.

- I need ice. - Whatever, Mom.

We can't ever have any fun.

That was fun.

I said it. We were having fun.

Uhh!

Yeah. Hey, if it was Duke,

you wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

That's disgusting.

And Max gets away with everything.

That's not true.

Today sucked.

I fu..in' hate Jordan and Missy.

I'm so over it. And I don't even want to be saying this,

but Miss Giovanetti threw me out of the classroom today.

I was one minute late,

and she made me leave and stand in the hallway.

Baby, that sounds really hard, and I'll write to your teacher,

but I need ice.

Whatever, Mom.

Thanks for caring.

Nobody ever gives a shit about me

and what happens to me.

How many feet are there in a fathom?

What type of animal was inside Sputnik 2

when launched into orbit in 1957?

- Hi, Jackie. - Come on, Jackie.

Just to warn you, it's Trivia Night.

I know. Frankie's teacher told me to meet her here.

I'm excited.

So you're going to team up with him?

Um, I didn't know it was a team thing,

but, uh, I guess.

This is just like a vodka pineapple...

Try some. It'll put hair on your chest.

See, I don't need any more of those.

Hi. Are we interrupting something?

We won't wait up.

- I know. - It's insane.

All I'm saying

is that Mr. Fields is an adorable,

very married "I wouldn't want to do anything with him,

but I want to all the time" kind of way.

I just love him, and I'm always looking for an excuse

to, like, have a meeting with him.

Yeah. Those "Paper Chase" jackets he wears...

elbow patches, corduroy... I swoon.

I know. I knew I loved you.

I love you. Oh, my God.

I can't believe it. I wasn't going to come here.

I'm so glad. I mean, this is really fun.

Sam, I have to tell you

that Frankie is incredible.

- Really? - Oh, my God, Sam.

I've been teaching for years,

and you just go from year to year,

and the kids kind of blend together.

But your Frankie... Sam...

- Tell me. - I feel so connected to her.

She amazes me every day...

the way she writes, the way she thinks.

She's seriously gifted, very, very gifted.

I know. I know it.

But to hear you say it?

And you know I have three, and she just gets buried...

Absolutely, absolutely.

Sam, I know that you know me

as just an art teacher at...

No, no, no, no, no. We sistas now.

Oh, my God. Really?

Yeah. You're Frankie's school mom.

Ah, Sam! You're making me so effing happy.

But seriously, though, Trieste,

this is making me so happy

because Frankie really needs...

It's true.

She's amazing, and I just wish

that I had all day to guide her.

Yeah, Frankie does need specific and special attention,

and I want to give that to her.

Jesus. What a relief.

You know, public school was just not good for her,

not good.

She just... She got left high and dry,

and I'm a piece of shit.

You know, my contract is up at the end of the year.

Oh. What?

Yeah.

You mean the school year?

No, this calendar year after Xmas.

What? Why?

You know, I was just thinking

I can really be there for Frankie

after I leave school.

I could be her private tutor,

really shape her education,

because I think she needs that.

Oh. Yeah. Would that be part of...

I just feel so close to you and to Frankie,

and I just want to help.

I want to help you, Sam.

I also have always wanted

to do something in the entertainment industry,

and I could maybe be, like,

be your assistant. Something.

And Frankie told me you have an extra room.

This could be such a win-win for all of us.

Also, I love to cook,

and I know you love to cook.

I love to eat, too, so...

Homework before anything else.

I know.

What are those?

Ooh.

They're all for Nan.

What?

That's what they say.

Hang on. Hang on.

I want to ask you something

before you go inside.

It's about your teacher Trieste.

What? What?

Trieste is kind of a psycho.

Uh, stalkery, I mean.

No offense, just she's a freakhole.

Huh.

What about her?

- Nothing. - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

What?

Can you take these to Nan's?

Why can't you?

Come on, man.

Mom.

Did you have packages

delivered to my house on purpose?

Because that's not cool.

Nan?

I mean, there's, like, a shit-ton of boxes...

Oh, my God. Mom!

Mom? Mom.

Mo... N... Mom.

Phyl?

Phyl!

I got you!

Look at her face.

She's so mad.

She's so mad because I got her

and she can't scare me. Never has been able to.

Nan, you're crazy.

I'm not, dear one.

I'm staying sharp, that's all,

just staying sharp. Now come with me

because I want you to choose a watch

and I've got so many,

and I want you to have one.

Thank you, Nan.

That's very nice.

Oh, I know exactly which one I want.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

Well, because I like the one with the velvet.

- Do you? - Mm, sort of, but I...

The velvet strap.

This looks really good.

You should wear this every day, I think.

Mom, I need a broom.

What for? You're being Elvis.

No, I'm changing it, so I need a broom.

You're changing your costume again?

Mama, I want to change mine.

No way. You're my Cher.

Mom, where's a broom?

What are you being, a witch?

No, I'm going to be a useless housewife from the '50s.

Ha! I love that!

Mama, do we need to go to the guy next door again?

Last year he gave us the dental kind of candy.

Oh, he's an asshole.

He's a shit.

My baby,

all grown-up potty mouth.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Well, can you believe she says "shit" now?

Mom, she's been saying that for years,

just not around you.

- Serious? - Yeah, she says everything.

No.

Hey, Max, hurry up!

We're leaving soon!

I'll go get her.

You guys finish getting ready.

I'm going to get you a broom.

You're a shit.

Honey...

What?

Uhh, is it Harvey?

What?

Oh, God, what a dick.

Baby.

I'm such a loser!

No. Harvey is a loser.

I'm telling you, I know losers,

and I could smell the loser on him from a mile away, honey.

No, it hurts, Mom!

And I really like him.

And... And everybody knows.

And he's making fun of me with everybody!

Oh, shit. Honey, I'm really sorry.

Do you want to go trick or treating

with me and your sisters?

No. That's stupid.

Baby, I get it. I get it.

That would have picked you up a few years ago,

but I just... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

I used to have really good Mommy toolbox for you,

and now you're a real person, and your heart is broken,

and I wish I had an easy thing for that,

but nobody does, baby.

I'm so sorry. I'm... I'm really sorry.

I've been a total bitch lately.

That's okay. I can take it.

That I can do for you.

What's going on?

Get out!

What happened?

Frankie, can you please take Duke trick or treating?

You're not coming?

No. I'm going to stay home with Max.

You guys go.

I'm staying home, too.

Honey, we both can't stay.

Somebody has to take Duke.

I don't care about candy.

Can we stay home and watch scary movies?

You want to?

Yeah.

You want us to stay home with you

and watch scary movies

while you cry about this stupid boy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, Mom, by the way,

have you talked to Trieste lately?

What?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

Just you brought her up the other day.

Um, what the hell... Wait.

What?

Did you tell her

that she could live with us

and be your permanent tutor and person?

Yes.

Why on the planet

would you tell somebody something like that?

Mom, Mom, I told her to pretend to be a stalker.

Did I get you or what?

Oh, my God.

What, Mom?

- You little shit fink. - Hey! No!

- I can't believe you! - Get off! Hey!

I completely believed her.

Yeah because she's a great actress.

I think I got her fired.

Ohh!

Aah!

What the hell!

Hey! Ow!

Don't hurt the angel!

She's sad right now.

Ow!

She's sad right now.

- Happier than me! - Ow!