Original subtitles

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

TED FLETCHER: Our little guy seems to be finding his footing.

We had the idea that maybe I would do parents weekend.

Um...

You got it! Yes oh yes, work it, divas!

EVE FLETCHER: George, your father

had another incident today.

WOMAN ON COMPUTER: (MOANING) Oh my god. Oh my god.

We are gonna need you to come pick him up.

MARGO FAIRCHILD: I think I have a crush on Curtis.

Okay.

-Do you like this class? -Yeah, I do.

-How old are you? -How old are you?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

MAN: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

WOMAN: I'm a housewife. Uh...

I...

met my husband in college.

Uh... We have two kids.

I'm, um... an administrative assistant

for a real estate firm.

I like yoga, and, uh, jewelry making.

Well, no one knows until they know,

um, I'm a squirter.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I like it rough. Really rough.

MAN: Do you have fetishes?

I like my feet licked.

-MAN: Your toes, or your-- Yeah. -My whole-- My whole foot.

From the top all the way down.

MAN: Have you ever had a threesome?

No, but I... No. (CHUCKLES)

MAN: If you did, what would it be?

Two women? Two men?

-I-- -MAN: A guy and a girl?

All of it sounds really good. (LAUGHS)

MAN: What's on your sexual bucket list?

Gang bangs. That's-- That seems...

(EXHALES) That seems like it's pushing the limit,

but I think... eventually,

it's something that I would love to do.

MAN: Have you ever done an adult video?

-Anything like this before? -No.

MAN: What made you decide to do this?

(SIGHS)

I guess just curiosity, mostly, uh...

excitement, and just wonder, like, what this could be like,

and I thought it might be fun.

-(PHONE VIBRATES) -MAN: All right, ready to do this?

-WOMAN: I'm ready. -MAN: Okay then...

-(PHONE VIBRATES) -...let's get things rolling.

-WOMAN: Okay. -MAN: Cool.

Hey, Leilani.

What happened?

Oh, no, that's awful.

Okay, well, I'll let everyone know.

Who is it this time?

Um... Roy Rafferty.

What a shame.

BRENDAN FLETCHER: Dude, my dad...

he actually ran three half-marathons.

That's more than a full marathon.

It's a... It's one-and-a-half marathons.

Do you, uh-- Do you mind if I disappear

your little Japanese fuck-me doll?

Her name is Hiroko. Call her by her name.

Yeah, Hiroko feels a little bit racist.

No, she-- It can't be racist because I love her.

Yeah, it's still racist.

Um... Okay, on this episode of Snot or Cum?...

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

-And this is crusty, I feel it. -(LAUGHS) Shit.

-I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go. -I know. I haven't washed it.

I can't handle all this shit, so...

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit. All right.

Yo, will you tell your parents I say hi though?

-Yeah, sure. -Especially your mom, okay?

-'Cause I'm gonna fuck your mom. -Oh.

(CANDY RATTLES)

I'm surprised you'd have the energy

after jerking off to your dad all day long.

(BRENDAN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Well, you'd be surprised. I have a lot of stamina.

Fucking... Will you get the door?

-Hi. -So, this is the, um...

the famous senior center.

Uh... Yep, it is.

Um... I-- Sorry, I wanted to apologize...

for the other night. I...

that was not cool, so... I hope I didn't... say anything weird.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) It's okay.

Thank you, but it's okay. We were all...

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

So...

It was fun.

Yeah, it was.

Um... Eve...

Are you-- Are you doing anything this weekend?

I've had a really... really long day, Julian.

I'm gonna...

just gonna go home.

I'll see you in class?

Yeah.

EVE: (WHISPERS) Okay.

(KNOCKING)

-Hey! -(LAUGHS)

-These are from your mom. -Oh, my gosh.

-She sends her love. -Okay.

There's all kinds of things tucked in places.

-Just put it right here? -Uh-huh. Yeah.

Let me look at you. Yeah. I think college agrees with you.

-Hey! (GRUNTS) -(LAUGHS)

What's up, man?

Hey, these are pretty nice digs.

Yeah, no, it's not bad. It's, um--

Hello!

TED FLETCHER: Hey, come on in.

BETHANY: Oh, my God. I haven't been in a dorm room in so long.

What's going on?

TED: (WHISPERS) What do you think?

You didn't tell him we were coming, did you?

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It...

BETHANY: He always thinks he did, but he always didn't.

BRENDAN: Yeah.

-But we love him anyway. -Yeah. Yeah.

-I could have sworn I told you. -BETHANY: (CHUCKLES) Hi.

No, no, it's fine. It's totally cool.

-I know he didn't. -Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Jonathan really wanted to see you.

Yeah! Hey, little man. What's up?

You still playing with, uh... Scruffy?

BETHANY: Stripey.

Oh, yeah. Stripey.

(BRENDAN SIGHS)

Okay, so, uh...

Dinner? You guys wanna go get some dinner?

Well, Jonathan's not crazy about restaurants...

-Right. -...so we got some burritos.

-Oh. Yeah. -Yeah.

Where can we, uh-- you wanna sit--

Oh, yeah.

Anywhere. Sorry, it's kind of a free for all. Um...

-BETHANY: What've we got here? -Wanna take off your bag?

BETHANY: There you go.

Hey, got your-- Wanna beer?

-Sure. I'll have a beer. -TED: All right.

-Let's make it a party. -Yeah, you got it.

-TED: It's a dorm party. -Dorm party.

-(BRENDAN SIGHS) -Hey, can I get one of those?

Thank you.

MAN: (ON LAPTOP) Ready to make your dreams come true?

WOMAN: (ON LAPTOP) Not getting any younger.

MAN: Why are you doing this?

WOMAN: It's on my bucket list.

MAN: Are you nervous?

No.

MAN: Why'd you wait so long?

I didn't think I was allowed.

MAN: You were always a good little girl, huh?

I don't wanna be a good girl anymore.

MAN: Well, it's your lucky day.

I've got two hot studs waiting right outside the door.

-You ready? -(SIGHS) I'm so ready.

♪ (PORN MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Oh, my-- No.

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS) Girls did not dress like that when I went to school.

You must be cleaning up.

Wanna try some waffle?

Beep, beep. It's backing up. Beep, beep, beep. It's crunchy.

-Yeah, you like that? -So, what's the plan for today?

I was thinking we could go to the football game.

If, um...

Guess not.

-TED: You try the applesauce? -(BETHANY CLEARS THROAT)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

You might not know this, but, uh...

I went to college for a couple of years.

I majored in partying and being stupid.

-(CHUCKLING) -Yeah.

I was so ashamed...

when I flunked out.

All that wasted money...

I tried to apologize to my dad,

and he tells me, "Don't worry about it."

He says, "Come work for me.

It's all I ever wanted."

He made it into a good thing.

That's who this man was.

You know. (CHOKES UP)

He loved and accepted everybody...

for who they were.

Never wanted you to be...

somebody you weren't.

This man's my hero.

I love you, Pop.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

Hey, get away from him.

You got no right.

You kick him out for being some kind of pervert,

then you come here and you wanna give him a kiss?

Maybe you're the pervert. You ever think of that?

Please don't call me that, George.

Well, you sure got the nerve of a pervert.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so sor--

My father was a good man.

I'm sorry if I offended you, George.

Your father meant a lot to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was a lovely service.

Okay.

-You wanna get a drink? -Ah, yes. Please.

-Yeah. Okay. -Yeah. Please.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad I'm here, too.

Um... So, um...

you know, I was thinking about our conversation the other night...

and I was wondering...

if I could pick your writer brain a bit.

I didn't realize this was gonna be a brain pick.

I thought we were just hanging out.

Oh... Yeah. That-- Me too. That's what we're doing.

Oh, God-- (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry then. Oh. I...

It's just that phrase. "Pick your brain."

-(CHUCKLES) Oh. I'm sorry. -God, it's so aggressive.

Yeah, I didn't mean to put it that way.

No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that...

It's fine.

WOMEN: (ON TV) Patriarchy. Patriarchy. Patriarchy.

Patriarchy.

Patriarchy.

-I get it. Men suck. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-You made your point. -Yeah.

WOMEN: (ON TV) Patriarchy. Patriarchy. Patriarchy.

-Sorry. Excuse me. -No, excuse me.

-Sorry. -Back away.

-(BRENDAN LAUGHS) -WOMEN: (ON TV) Patriarchy. Patriarchy. Patriarchy.

(WHISPERS) Go long.

Go long!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-Oh! -(BOTH LAUGH)

BRENDAN: Hey, you guys wanna hit those food trucks?

-BETHANY: Aw, I love them... -TED: You hungry, man?

They make me miss Austin so much.

TED: Okay, I get it. You miss Austin. We'll visit.

You like trucks, right, buddy? (IMITATES TRUCK)

Right? (CHUCKLES)

We're the Little Monsters, and we'd like to welcome

all you parents to BSU.

-(KAZOO BUZZES) -One, two, three, four.

♪ Rah, rah, ah-ah-ah! ♪

♪ Ro-mah, ro-mah-mah ♪

-♪ Gaga, ooh-la-la! ♪ -(JOHNATHAN FLETCHER WAILS)

♪ Want your bad romance ♪

BETHANY: All right, hold on, John.

♪ (SINGING "BAD ROMANCE" BY LADY GAGA ACAPELLA) ♪

TED: Did he touch you? Can I touch you?

Do you want your headphones?

(WAILS)

♪ I want your everything As long as it's free ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ Love, love, love I want your love ♪

(WAILING CONTINUES)

Daddy's here. You're safe. You're safe.

Okay, breathe deep.

♪ I want your leather-studded Kiss in the sand ♪

There you go. Can you take a deep breath?

-♪ Love, love, love I want your love ♪ -(TED BREATHES DEEPLY)

TED: There you go, there you go.

(VIBRATING)

I worked at McDonald's in a food court in high school.

I used to steal the Beanie Babies

from the Happy Meals and sell them on the side.

Well, when I worked at Anthropologie,

I used steal defective dresses, and then, my friends

would return them for cash and I would keep a cut.

Okay, so you're a mob boss.

Oh, yeah. That's right. You scared now?

(CHUCKLES) Nah.

You can't hold people responsible

for stuff they did when they were teenagers.

Their brains haven't fully developed yet.

I was 31.

-And the assistant manager. -What?

Okay, that's definitely a crime.

Do you know how much adjunct professors get paid?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I do.

CURTIS: I guess you gotta make your money somewhere, huh?

MARGO FAIRCHILD: At least I didn't steal from children.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

God, I haven't done that in so long.

Yeah?

Yep.

Okay, I've never used one of these though, so...

Well, it's a vape. You just kinda suck in.

-Okay. I don't press anything on the side. -No.

(WHISPERS) Okay. I get it.

(EXHALES)

-Thank you. -Mm-hm.

Do you think Roy knew he was losing it at the end?

I know he did.

You know, he was scared.

What do you think that feels like?

Hopeless.

Just floating away from...

everyone you love.

Do you wanna get in a hot tub?

Do you have one?

No. But my neighbors do and they're not here.

Did they say you can get in that hot tub?

I-- They didn't say I couldn't.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You-- You need a tie for your door. The handle.

-You know about that? -(CHUCKLES) You're so old.

I'm so old.

Well, I'll lend you a tie if you need it.

-I do. I don't have a tie. -That'll be your care package.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe you should play some intramurals.

Might be kinda fun to be on a team again.

Yeah. Maybe.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, look, I think we're gonna have to head back tonight.

Yeah, I know it's a bummer, but, uh...

Johnathan needs to be in familiar surroundings.

And, uh... you know.

Yeah. I get it.

Look, we shouldn't have brought him.

Bethany really pushed for it, and, uh--

Why is he your favorite?

What?

(TED CHUCKLES)

That's not true.

It is, though.

Come on.

It's supposed to be, like, our weekend.

I-- I just didn't...

-I know. I know. -So, I dunno. I dunno.

-I'm sorry it's disappointing. -It's dumb.

It's...

(SIGHS)

Look, here's the thing.

Jonathan has so many... needs.

And you don't.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I know it's not fair.

But the thing is, is you're good.

You're good. I don't have to worry about you.

You're-- You're so smart. You are good at sports.

You're-- People like you. People love you.

Everything-- Things...

I don't need to worry about you.

You're good. Yeah?

-Yeah. -Yeah. Good.

BETHANY: It's not here.

You sure it's not in your room?

No, we checked everywhere. Did you look in the backpack?

Yeah, like six times.

Let's just go. We'll deal with it at home.

Brendan, you'll let us know if you find Stripey.

Thank you for letting us crash this weekend.

Sorry.

(BRENDAN SIGHS)

All right.

Take care of yourself.

Come on, you got this.

Thanks.

♪ ("ALWAYS TRYING TO WORK IT OUT" BY LOW PLAYS) ♪

♪ Always trying to Work it out ♪

♪ Work it out ♪

♪ Always trying to Work it out ♪

♪ Work it out ♪

-God, she sucks. -(GROANS)

She was... She's a bitch, but I loved her.

It was for the best, you know.

-Seeing anybody now? -No...

Just like random Tinder people. But...

it's bad, I know, but it's...

Sometimes, you just need to get fucked, right?

I mean, I can't-- I just cannot imagine having sex

-with somebody that you've just... -It's weird!

-...met. -It's weird.

But it's better than nothing.

My mom had this thing...

where our next-door neighbor who was, um... a retired cop.

He used to come over to the house sometimes

when his wife was working the graveyard shifts,

and they would just like cuddle on the couch together...

and watch TV.

I think that's all they did.

They just sat there. She called him her TV buddy.

(CHUCKLES) I know.

But then, his wife retired and then it stopped.

That sounds really nice.

I want a TV buddy.

-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Totally. -Yeah.

Actually, I wrecked both my first two cars.

-Oh, really? -Yeah, and like the first one within two weeks.

(CHUCKLES) How'd you do that?

I'm just a terrible driver honestly.

God. (CHUCKLES) That's terrible.

-Um... Here I am. -Oh.

Here you are. (CHUCKLES)

Uh... So, I have an essay in this new lit magazine,

and they're having a launch party

in Brooklyn on Wednesday.

You should come with me.

You mean like as your date?

-Hm? -Yeah.

Um... You know, Wednesdays are tough,

-but let me see-- -Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

Don't worry about it. I-- I didn't.

Hey, wait!

No. Have a good night, Curtis.

(ENGINE STARTS)

AMANDA OLNEY: The answer is yes, I have.

But just one time.

Was it with two-- two women...

and two-- or and...

-or was it with two women... -(LAUGHS)

...or was it with two men?

Or one woman and one man?

It was three women.

Ah.

It was my ex, and then her ex, so...

very complicated.

-Oh... Okay. -(CHUCKLES)

What about you? What's your deal? What's your thing?

I mean, I th-- It's weird. I've...

I mean, I...

-My son went away to college... -Mm-hm.

I don't know. Ever since then, I've been having these...

-What? -Like...

crazy fantasies.

-Like crazy fantasies. -(LAUGHS)

Uh...

-(CHUCKLES) It's insane. -(LAUGHS)

Well, what are you gonna do about 'em?

-Nothing! -(CHUCKLES)

-Do it! -(LAUGHS)

Pervert.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ ("YOU ARE HERE" BY YO LA TENGO PLAYS) ♪

(FAUCET RUNS)

(SIGHS) I needed that. Thank you.

-Oh-- Oh-- Okay. -(LAUGHS)

Thank you so much for taking care of me.

Yeah, it was fun.

-Oh, it was so much fun. -Yeah.

Yeah.

We should do this again.

Yeah, I-- I would love that,

and next time, maybe we'll just...

watch a movie or...

(AMANDA COUGHS)

Oh, my God.

-Oh, shit. -Do--

-Amanda, I am so sorry. -Don't be.

-Why? -No, this is horrible.

-Don't be sorry! -I'm really--

-Don't be sorry! It's okay. -I really fucked this.

-I'm so sorry. -It is fine.

Oh, my God.

-Okay. -Okay.

(STUTTERS) I'm just gonna go 'cause I-- I'm sorry.

-Don't be sorry. -Oh, my God.

-I'm fine. -Okay.

-You are? 'Cause I-- -I'm okay. Are you okay?

-I'm so fine. I'm just-- -Okay.

I feel-- I'm nervous.

Well, I was just worried that you're...

-Okay. -No, I am great.

Okay.

-Okay. Do you need help? -Is there a trick to this?

No, no, no. It's just a normal lock.

-It's a normal lock. -Oh, it's locked.

-Okay, I thought it was a-- -Yeah. No, I keep it--

Okay, thank you so much.

-Sorry. Oh, my God. Okay. -You're welcome.

♪ ("IS THIS REAL?" BY WIPERS PLAYS) ♪

♪ Sometimes I get These feelings ♪

♪ And I don't know What to say ♪

♪ Is it that I don't belong here? ♪

♪ 'Cause I I really want to stay ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that you could break up to me ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ In time, I found myself wishing you were here ♪

♪ But then I realized that all time has stood still ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that you could break down to me ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

High school, everyone liked me. Now I'm just like, the bad guy.

CHLOE: Welcome to feeling uncomfortable.

(SCOFFS) I've been uncomfortable!

♪ (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I really thought that Curtis and I had a special connection.

Have you ever dated a trans person?

Have you ever dated a black person?

-Yeah. -Oh.

We are in such a dry period. It's been quite a while.

EVE FLETCHER: Same with me.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

-Oh. -Sorry.

You should be.

How can I make it up to you?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪