Original subtitles

TED FLETCHER: Our little guy's going to college.

-What's up, Ted? -I... won't be able

to make it over there to help load the van.

Bye, Ted.

♪ (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

So, let's find out a little more about you.

How about extracurriculars?

CHLOE: Do you have a family member with autism?

I actually do.

You should come to our support group.

I'm Chloe.

Looking at what we really want can be terrifying.

But that tell us we've stumbled onto something real.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(EVE SIGHS)

♪ ("HOT TOPIC" BY LE TIGRE PLAYS) ♪

♪ Hot topic Is the way that we rhyme ♪

♪ Hot topic Is the way that we rhyme ♪

♪ Hot topic Is the way that we rhyme ♪

♪ Hot topic Is the way that we rhyme ♪

♪ Carol Rama and Eleanor Antin ♪

♪ Yoko Ono and Carolee Schneemann ♪

♪ You're getting old That's what they'll say but ♪

♪ Don't give a damn I'm listening anyway ♪

(GRUNTS)

-♪ Stop ♪ -♪ Hot topic is the way ♪

-♪That we rhyme ♪ -♪ Don't you stop ♪

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

♪ I can't live if you stop ♪

♪ One step behind Don't stop ♪

♪ Don't you stop ♪

(PANTS, GRUNTS)

-(TIMER DINGS) -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

-(MOANING ON VIDEO) -(EVE GROANS)

Um... Uh... (CHUCKLES)

(MOANING CONTINUES ON VIDEO)

(PANTS)

(GROANS) Fu...

(SIGHS) This is...

-(SIGHS) -(MOANING CONTINUES ON VIDEO)

WOMAN: (ON VIDEO) Oh, yeah... (MOANS)

♪ ("HOT TOPIC" BY LE TIGRE PLAYS) ♪

♪ Hot topic Is the way that we rhyme ♪

-♪ We won't stop ♪ -♪ Hot topic is the way ♪

♪ That we rhyme ♪

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

(PHONE PINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ ("YO BITCH UGLY" BY 1PLAYY PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKER) ♪

-♪ Look at yo' bitch, She ugly ♪ -♪ Yo' bitch ♪

-♪ Lucky for her, we comin' ♪ -♪ What we doin'?

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -SANJAY: Knock, knock.

Hey, Sanjay.

I just wanted to give you the heads up.

If you're around later, I'm having a little...

gathering in my room.

We're gonna watch nature docs and drink some Beaujolais.

That sounds fun.

But... probably not.

No presh. See you around, B-rizzle.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Hey. -EVE: Hi.

-Here you go. -Thanks.

Sorry it was late. I-- I didn't realize

you had to pay a second semester so early.

Oh, it's fine. You really didn't have to...

drive it over here. You could have just put it in the mail.

Oh, no, no, it was my mistake.

I didn't want you to have to wait.

Well, thanks.

How are you?

Uh... I'm good.

-'Kay... -Hey, do you mind if I just, uh,

hit the head before I hit the road?

-Uh... Uh... Sure. -Thanks.

So, what do you think? He seems to be finding his footing.

Oh, have you-- You guys have been talking?

Yeah, a bit.

So, uh-- Actually, we were chatting the other day,

and we had the idea

that maybe I would do parents' weekend.

If you're on board with a little father-son time.

Um... Hm. I-- Wait, what?

Yeah, I just haven't seen him in forever, and, uh...

and the idea came up, he got pretty jazzed about it, so...

Um... Hm... I haven't seen him either, Ted,

I've been-- I've been planning it for a really...

a long time, so...

Yeah, I just thought-- I don't know, I thought maybe

you'd wanna stay home and rest.

You're always saying how tired you are.

Okay.

-Wow. -What?

So, this isn't a question.

Right? You're not actually asking me,

you're...

you're just telling me.

Right? You guys have decided this.

Woah, okay, I--

I didn't think this was gonna be a big problem. I--

-(EVE SIGHS) -You're always asking me

-to spend more time with him. -Not with no notice

-on my weekend, Ted! -Wow, okay.

Look, uh, I didn't come here

-to get yelled at. -Oh, so now you're ju--

Oh, now you're just leaving?

Can't talk to you when you get like this.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, God.

Hey, Brendan, it's Mom. How are ya?

I was really looking forward to this weekend,

but your dad just came by and told me about the...

-(PANS CLATTERING) -...change in plans.

Uh... You know, to be honest,

I expect that sneaky shit from him,

but not from you.

But... you know...

do what you have to do.

-Just don't want you to... -(PANS CLANG)

...get surprised when he disappoints you.

Because I have to tell you something, Brendan,

that's who he is.

Your dad is selfish and he is disappointing.

-(PANS CLANG) -(CUPBOARD DOOR SLAMS)

So, yeah. Yeah, he cheated on me.

He cheated on me, dude.

But what I don't think you understand...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GIGGLING)

...got more chance with both of us.

...larger than one city or larger than one country

starts to collapse.

Yo, Craig. Uh... Brookside, right? You went to Brookside?

I played lax at Haddington.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you scored the winning goal in the semi-final, senior year,

-right? -Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ah, man, you played, like, really tough D, like,

I remember, you were all over me.

-It's good to see you, man. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Hey, you wanna sit? -Yeah, sure, man, sure.

-What's up, guys? -Hey.

-Guys, this is Brendan. -Yeah, yo.

Hey, man.

I mean, look, the only real practical solution for emissions

-is cap and trade. -Droughts are getting longer,

hurricanes are getting worse.

-Superstorms happen every year. -VANCE: That's just weather,

it's not climate. Do you even understand the difference?

Have you guys seen the video of the guy surfing

during a tsunami?

No.

-I don't think so. -You guys-- Okay.

That's what I would do.

What?

Like...

climate change... sucks... obviously.

So, might as well make the best of it

is what I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm just saying, if that's your solution,

Florida will literally be underwater

in the next 50 years.

VANCE: Humans aren't causing global warming.

-CRAIG: All right... -VANCE: It's the cows, man.

CRAIG: You're saying cows cause global warming.

-Yo, I'll be right back. -No, I'm not saying that,

I'm not saying that at all.

-All right, well, what are you-- -I'm saying that cows contribute to it.

Zadie Smith writes that people are like complex

musical scores, depending, at least in part,

upon who is doing the conducting.

So, when you think about your lives...

who is the conductor?

Anyone?

Guys! Come on! This is-- is supposed to be a place

where you bare your souls,

and it feels like the DMV.

(SIGHS) Okay, um... Is it me?

-Am I a bad teacher? -ALL: No, no...

-No, you're great. -Then, why do you all

look like zombies?

Uh... I-- I think... it might be the room.

Yeah, the light, uh... is really distracting.

BARRY: Yeah.

It's really fucking annoying, is what it is.

Oh, my God! Yes, yes...

Okay, um... here's a thought,

-what if we move class to a bar? -Yes.

-Oh, okay. -They're alive!

Have you guys ever been to Tara's? On Front Street?

You-- You like that dump?

-Fuck you, man, I own it! -Oh, okay!

-Drinks on me! -CURTIS: Okay!

-It's my bar! I'm not kidding! -I don't doubt it!

EVE: (ON VOICEMAIL) So, yeah... yeah... he cheated on me.

He cheated on me, dude.

But what I don't think you understand, bud...

is that he actually cheated on both of us.

-Have a great parents' weekend. -(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Does-- Does anyone else have a response to Zadie Smith?

The idea of who's conducting your life...

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) ♪

For some reason, that hit me like a brick.

And-- And why?

My mom wanted me to be a doctor.

So, I became one, even though I didn't wanna be.

-So, now, I'm a radiologist. -Shit! You're a doctor, huh?

-Ah, that's great, man. -No, uh... (CHUCKLES)

I-- I think what Curtis might be saying is it's hard for us

to disappoint someone that we love. Right?

I know I couldn't be who my father wanted me to be,

and because of that, we didn't speak for years.

CURTIS: Mm.

Why not?

He couldn't-- He couldn't handle my coming out.

-So, you're... a lesbian. -(MARGO CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Uh... No, uh, I mean-- I mean, uh, when I transitioned.

I'm-- I'm trans.

So... you weren't born...

Question, though. Does that mean

-you had the surgery? -Barry!

-Am I not allowed to ask that? -How would you feel

if someone asked you about your genitals?

Go right ahead, I'm an open book.

No. Okay. Guys, we don't need to hear about that right now.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I don't always know the rules about these things.

Are you and your dad o-- okay... now? Are you talking?

Yeah. Yeah, we are. I-- He-- He drives me crazy,

-but he's-- he's my dad. -(CHUCKLES) Good.

Brendan, right?

-Yeah. -Sorry, sorry.

Tennis team took long and then I had to pick up snacks

and if I'm gonna be real I... took a nap.

Nice, um... I wasn't going in.

I-- I don't think I should--

Oh, I know, you were just passing by,

and then I showed up, and you did a terrible job

of lying to me,

-and now we're going inside. -Oh, we are?

-Oh, great. -CHLOE: Come on!

-Yep. -CHLOE: Yeah.

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY) ♪

Do you like this class?

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Do you?

Yeah. I mean... (CHUCKLES)

...sometimes I sit there and I'm like,

"What am I doing here?"

-(EVE CHUCKLES) -But...

What are you doing here? You're such a smart kid,

why aren't you off at college?

I didn't have a great high school experience.

So, I'm-- I'm just trying to re-group, or whatever.

Where'd you go to school?

Haddington High.

Did you know my son? Brendan? Brendan Fletcher?

Yeah.

Take it you two aren't friends, huh?

Not really.

Mm.

Well... his loss.

(SIGHS) Let's go get some wings.

Yeah.

Jonathan is my half-brother.

He lives with my dad

and my stepmom. My dad is great with him...

even though he's a really busy guy.

So, like, I go to his place once a month and just, like,

hang out, and, um, we watch Scrubs...

after Jonathan goes to bed-- (CLEARS THROAT)

It's kinda stupid, but it's pretty funny. (CHUCKLES)

It's a good show. So, my dad gets really exhausted.

Like, completely worn out,

because Jonathan is a lot of work.

-He's not retarded, but he's-- -(GROUP GASPS, MURMURS)

This is a good moment to lightly remind everyone

that we don't use the R word here.

-Thank you for reminding me. -Oh, no, I-- I mean...

I didn't mean it like that, I just mean he's...

-he's not normal! -We try to stay away

from "normal" too. We use "neurotypical."

All right, so then, my half-brother is very...

He's-- Well, he's neuro-not-typical.

-(BOTH SIGH) -I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to...

you know, say "retarded," I didn't mean to assume that

anyone's family member in here is retarded.

He just said it two more times.

Okay, would anyone else like to share?

♪ ("DOWN ON THE TOWN" BY CROMWELL PLAYS) ♪

So, what do you do for work?

I am a-- I'm the director at a senior center.

Wow. That's not what I pictured.

Yeah, well, it's-- it's not what I pictured either, so...

No, but it's cool.

-I think it's like-- -Ah, it's not cool.

It is though, because it's, like, good, you know?

Mm. Mm.

I think if-- I mean, if you're the one working

with a bunch of old people,

it must be very exciting for them.

(TABLE RATTLES)

-Oh. -Um, this table's driving me crazy.

Can you hold these, please? I'll be right back. (GRUNTS)

-How's that? -Much better.

Thank you.

JULIAN: Yeah.

Can I tell you a secret that you can't tell anyone else

-in class? -(CHUCKLES)

Obviously, I'm saying yes to that.

You are the only one who can write.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, shit, yeah?

Yeah, so far. I'm not saying there won't be a sleeper.

(LAUGHS) It means a lot coming from you.

I-- I'm actually working on a sci-fi novel.

(LAUGHS) It's about an alien civilization

that colonizes Earth and you think it's the future,

but at the end, you find out it's the ancient past,

and it's how civilization began.

-Hm? -I don't love it. (LAUGHS)

-What? Come on. -It's like-- No. No, it's that

-I'm just not a sci-fi girl. -Not even Close Encounters?

Close what?

-Get out of here. -(LAUGHS)

Get in your car and go home.

No, I think I'm gonna stick around a little longer

to give you shit for being a huge nerd.

Hey.

Thank you for... having me in there.

Yeah, of course.

Thanks for sharing.

Aside from a few repeated slurs...

you did great.

(CHUCKLES)

So, you wanna hang out?

You trying to run game on me while I'm giving you

-a comfort hug? -Uh...

-(SCOFFS) Maybe a little, yeah. -That's what I thought.

I... No, I don't wanna hang out. Not tonight.

Busy?

No, I literally have no plans, I just haven't decided

what this is yet.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye. See ya.

♪ ("ONLY YOU AND I KNOW" BY DAVE MASON PLAYS) ♪

How old were you when you guys met?

EVE: Mm.

Um... Nineteen. (SNIFFS) I was a sophomore.

What'd you like about him?

Everybody liked Ted. He was, like, you know,

he was so charming.

And smart. And hot.

What about you?

-Was I hot? No. -(COUGHS)

-No. -No, like,

what were you like back then?

I was a...

big dork, actually. I spent most of my time in the library.

-Did you get straight As? -I did.

Like, what else were you into? What were you doing?

Uh... I don't know... I liked music.

What kind?

Um...

Uh... Probably nothing within your vibe,

but Liz Phair, The Smiths, Buzzcocks.

-I love all that. -You do?

Yeah! What, you didn't peg me for British punk?

No, I just-- It's surprising. I don't know.

Well, yeah, you two. I mean, you work in a senior center

and you have ice in your wine.

Leave me alone. It tastes better that way!

-(LAUGHS) Sorry. -God.

Anyway, you're right. I used to be fun, now I'm boring.

JULIAN: No. That's not what I'm saying at all, no.

-I think... -(EVE SIGHS)

...you're secretly still punk.

♪ And never take me the wrong way ♪

♪ You know you can't go on Getting your own way ♪

♪ 'Cause if you do It's gonna get you someday ♪

-(ELECTRONIC SHOOTING) -CURTIS: Yeah, I specialize

in the brain, Alzheimer's and tumors

and things like that.

God, that must be really hard.

It was at first, but now it's just routine.

-(ELECTRONIC BUZZ) -Honestly, at this point,

I'd rather be doing what you're doing.

-Seriously? -Mm-hm.

I wish I could do something other than writing.

-Anything at all. -Wait...

aren't you in some fancy literary magazine?

Did someone Google the teacher?

Hey...

I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

You know I wasn't trying to cause a whole thing.

-Oh, yeah. Of course, Barry. -Hey.

Popcorn shrimp for the lady.

(CHUCKLES)

Barry!

Thank you.

What about her? (WHISPERS) Look at her.

Look, she's cute. You just go talk to her.

-(WHISPERS) Go talk to her. -(SIGHS)

I'm really bad at just...

starting conversation out of nowhere.

I think you are so much better than you think you are.

-Mm-hm. -What do you mean?

You're curious.

You wait to talk. You don't just start...

jabbering on.

You actually take in what the other person is saying.

♪ (BLUES MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

By the way, that's rare.

Girls...

Girls like it.

They like it a lot.

Trust me.

Uh... Doesn't-- It doesn't matter.

She-- I'm not-- She's not my type.

But you're too young to have a type. (CHUCKLES)

-I have a type. -Okay, what's your type?

-(LAUGHS) Come on. -(STUTTERS)

Okay. Okay.

-I like dark hair. -Mm-hm.

How old are you?

How old are you?

Nineteen.

Forty-five.

-Can I talk to you for a second? -EVE: Mm.

-Would you mind, Julian? -Mm.

Course. (SNIFFS)

-(MARGO SCOFFS) -EVE: Yeah.

Hey, what's up?

I think I have a... crush on Curtis.

Okay! (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) Wow. Uh... Is that kosher?

The student-teacher thing?

God, no.

-Not really, no. -(BOTH LAUGH)

But, I mean, God, we're adults, right?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Right.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Do you wanna dance?

Oh, sh...

-Oh, man, are you okay? -Yeah.

MARGO: (GASPS)

♪ ("I MELT WITH YOU" BY MODERN ENGLISH PLAYS) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I haven't heard this song in so long!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, I love it.

♪ Moving forward using all my breath ♪

Come on.

-Get up. Go. -Come on.

Come on. Let me see some moves.

Whoa!

♪ I saw the world crashing all around your face ♪

(LAUGHS) It just really isn't my thing.

-Eve picked it out. -What?

PLANET EARTH NARRATOR: ...are the second largest members of the taxonomic family of dragons

SANJAY: Oh, what are you? Oh, what are you?

(LAUGHTER)

PLANET EARTH NARRATOR: ...open its mouth

and thrilled to say, "I'm bigger than you think."

SANJAY: Okay, fun fact. That's also how I attract mates.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(DISTANT LAUGHING)

(LINE DIALS)

-♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ -EVE: (HUMS) Ah.

♪ I'll stop the world And melt with you ♪

-Hello? -BRENDAN FLETCHER: Hey, Mom.

Are you okay? 'Cause, uh, you just--

-I got your message. -Oh, honey, I can't hear you.

-What? -Are you? Really?

Okay, you just-- You sounded like, um--

Uh, don't-- don't worry about it, honey.

We'll just talk tomorrow!

♪ I'll stop the-- ♪

Oh, this is the best part.

(SINGS) ♪ The future's open wide ♪

♪ The future's open wide ♪

♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪

♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪

-Whoo! -Yeah!

♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪

-Come on. -I'll-- I'll put more on.

BARRY: Uh... All right.

All right. Somebody's gotta take the kid home.

What? No, I'm--

-I have my skateboard, I'm fine. -BARRY: N-n-n-n-n-no.

Um...

You know what, I-- I can take him home.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Your car's a piece of shit.

(SCOFFS) Your skateboard's a piece of shit.

-(LAUGHS) -It's true. (LAUGHS)

-(SIGHS) -You're really pretty.

-Oh... -Is it okay for me to say that?

-You're drunk. -No, I'm-- I'm-- I'm serious.

I'm-- (BREATHES DEEPLY)

-What are you doing right now? -(CLEARS THROAT)

Wait, you should put that back on.

No, no, no, no, no. Turn that off.

-Please, can you turn that off. -Okay.

-Put your seatbelt back on, please. -Can you pull over?

-Now, please. Pull over. -Oh, my God. Are you gonna...

-Okay, I'm pulling over. -Oh, God!

Okay. Hold on! Hold on!

EVE: Okay. Okay. Oh, God.

-Okay, poor thing. -(SPITS, GROANS)

-Oh, you poor thing. -(GROANS)

-Oh, are you okay? -(GASPS)

-EVE: Ugh. -You have amazing boobs.

-(VOMITS, GROANS) -Oh.

♪ ("THIS FEELING" BY ALABAMA SHAKES PLAYS) ♪

♪ I just kept hoping ♪

♪ I just kept hoping ♪

♪ The way would become clear ♪

♪ I spent all this time ♪

♪ Tryna play now ♪

♪ I found my way here ♪

♪ See, I've been having me a real hard time ♪

♪ But it feels so nice to Know I'm gonna be all right ♪

♪ So, I just kept dreaming ♪

♪ Yeah, I just kept dreaming ♪

♪ It wasn't very hard ♪

♪ I spent all this time ♪

♪ Tryna figure out why ♪

♪ Nobody on my side ♪

♪ See, I've been having me a real good time ♪

♪ But it feels so nice to Know I'm gonna be all right ♪

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

♪ So, please don't take my feelings ♪

♪ I have found a name ♪

(WOMAN MOANS ON LAPTOP)

♪ So please don't take my feelings ♪

♪ I have found a name ♪

♪ Yeah, if I wanted to ♪

♪ I'd be all right ♪

♪ So, I just kept going ♪

♪ I just kept going ♪

♪ And hoping I'm growing in ♪

♪ Well, this good I've found ♪

♪ I spent all this time ♪

♪ Tryna find my way here ♪

♪ And I've been having me a real fun time ♪

♪ But it feels so nice to Know I'm gonna be all right ♪

♪ Please don't take this feeling ♪

♪ I have found a name ♪

♪ (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

BOTH: Hey!

-Right here? -Uh-huh, yeah.

Hello?

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

You didn't tell him we were coming, did you?

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

Are you doing anything this weekend?

MARGO FAIRCHILD: They're having a party in Brooklyn on Wednesday.

-You should come with me. -As your date?

Yeah.

I've been having these crazy fantasies.

Well, what are you gonna do about them?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪