Original subtitles

[bike engine revving]

[suspenseful music]

[♪♪♪]

[loud grunting and moaning]

- Yes, big daddy, give it to me. Give it to me, daddy. Yes.

[grunting and moaning continues]

- Whoa.

- Dude, c'mon. We're gonna be late.

- Shut up, Todd.

[loud moaning continues]

TODD: What if they see us?

I can't get in trouble for this again.

[faint grunting continues]

[mysterious music]

- Ok! Fellas, let's go. Hustle up.

Alright.

And now we pray.

Dear Lord, we thank you for this day,

and for another opportunity to serve you.

Please order our steps, oh Lord.

Be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.

For the devil dwells just below our feet.

We ask that you watch over Todd, Lord.

Let him not fall into temptation.

For if one of us falls, others are sure to follow.

Lord, we ask that you watch over Ricky

as he rejoins our flock,

and seeks a new purity in your forgiving light.

Finally, Lord, we ask that you guide Chastity

as she takes on the mantle of Assistant Manager.

Ease her journey, Lord.

And let her know that no amount of makeup

can conceal her love of Christ.

We ask these blessings in Jesus' name. Amen!

ALL: Amen!

MR. PIKE: Okay, team. Let's have a great day!

[♪♪♪]

Get busy, folks! Get busy!

[♪♪♪]

[machine whirring]

[hardcore music playing on headphones]

- Who's there?!

- BOO!

- Dang it, Chaz!

I told you no horseplay in the projection booth!

- I was just bringing you your drink!

- Shhh! [low voice] Whisper.

I asked for no ice. - [whispers] I forgot.

JEFF: It's the same thing every day.

I never drink ice!

[Chaz groans]

- I hate this heavy metal crap.

- It's not heavy metal, it's hardcore!

It's hardcore.

- Why does everyone call you "Heavy Metal Jeff?"

- No one calls me that!

- Shhhh!

- Dude! We gotta watch Encino Mantonight.

I hear that Pauly Shore guy is a real cut-up.

"Heyyyy, buuuuuudy"

- I don't know. - Dude, come on.

Ricky and Chaz are going to vote for girl baseball.

You gotta back me up on this one.

- Dude! Madonna's in a league of their own.

Did you hear about that book... called "Sex"?

She wrote it.

TODD: Can you imagine?

I wonder if she's, like, doing it inside.

Or if it's mostly just boobs.

- Exactly! That's why we have to watch league.

Locker room scenes.

- But, Abe, it's PG.

- There's boobs in Jaws. That's PG.

- Yeah, but no... nips.

- Just the essentials...

Front door... concessions...

supply closet.

Copies of everything are in here just in case you misplace yours.

But you won't misplace yours now, will you?

- Nope.

- Want a belt chain like boss man's?

- No.

- Chastity.

- What's up?

- How do you think Ricky's doing?

- Great! He's, uh--

I mean, um... it's really good to have him back.

- It is, isn't it?

- Yeah. - He's making awesome strides.

Critical strides.

I think it's important that we support him.

A little bit of patience goes a long way, don't you think?

- Yeah.

- Don't lose those keys.

[thrilling music]

[indistinct whispering]

- What movie are we watching tonight?

- Not that stupid caveman movie.

Sean Astin used to be cute, but he grew up... weird.

- I'm not watching A League of Their Own again.

- You already saw it? Did you sneak in? Ricky...

- No! I went yesterday... with my mom.

- You didn't go with Jasmine?

- No. She hates baseball.

- Hmm. Some girlfriend. Can't wait to meet her.

- Hey... - [Chaz giggles]

- Jasmine's awesome.

She's really on fire for God.

- [bangs door open] - I smell cigs!

CHAZ: What the... hey!

- Do you want to show up to heaven

smelling like an ashtray?

[Jeff panting]

CHAZ: Oh!

- You missed some trash.

[door closes]

[indistinct chatter]

- Kids!

The work you guys put in this week just has me fired up.

I'm so proud of all of you.

- So we get to do Friday night movie club?

- Yes, sir! Just as soon as you guys sweep the theaters,

you can put in whatever movie you want.

- Which one is it? I gotta go load the projector.

- Encino Man! - The other one.

- I'm not sure we've all had a chance to really discuss--

- No! Pick now, or I'm outta here!

- Jeff!

I love your passion.

I love how you're communicating directly.

But you have to remember,

when you feel like things are getting outta control... CBTL.

- [exhales] Right. C-B-T-L.

TOGETHER: CBTL.

- Uh, what's CBTL?

- Christ... Bears... The... Load.

- Decide amongst yourselves, put it to a vote.

Jeff will play whatever movie you choose.

Make sense?

- You have my word.

- Jeff, I'll be back at midnight to give you a ride home.

Chastity! The theater is yours.

Have fun, team.

Come on.

[thrilling music]

[clatter]

- Do you guys hear that?

[faint sobbing]

[sobbing continues]

[clattering]

- Weird.

[sobbing continues]

- I don't remember selling that guy a ticket.

- I don't think he watched the movie.

Someone would have complained.

I can smell the booze on him from here.

- What should we do?

- Hey.

What's that guy doing?

Are you guys going to tell him to leave or what?

- Well, you're in charge, right?

- Wimps.

Excuse me, sir?

We're closed.

- [man grunts] - [Chaz gasps]

I'm sorry... you have to go.

[man grunting]

[all screaming] - NO DESTROYING PROPERTY!

Dang it! COME ON!

[Jeff screaming]

- Okay.

[man speaking indistinctly and grunting]

- What is that?

[man screaming]

[door shatters]

[distant screaming]

- See, kids? That's why I don't drink.

- Guys, what is this hole in the wall?

- What does it look like, dink? It's a doorway.

- Wait, Jeff, did you know this was here?

- Nope. [whispers] Never seen it before.

- Well, what should we do?

That creepy old guy is down there.

- We should call Mr. Pike.

- No.

No. No, wait. Uh... Let me think.

- Sorry, kids. The longer we wait,

the more torqued up this hobo's gonna get.

We only have one option.

We gotta take out the trash.

RICKY: Did you see the way he just... burst through that wall?

It was like he was possessed.

JEFF: Telltale signs.

RICKY: Of possession?

JEFF: Addiction, Ricky. First it controls your body.

Then it controls your soul.

TODD: Guys, where are we?

Is this a basement?

- Look.

TODD: Whoa.

CHAZ: Are we in another theater?

[clatter]

What was that?

Was that him?

Okay. Let's split up.

You guys check that side, we'll take this one.

JEFF: You see him: Bear tactics.

Raise your arms and yell. Herd him back to the stairs.

CHAZ: Okay.

ABE: Do you guys feel that?

TODD: Whoa.

[door creaks]

- What happened in here?

- It looks like there was a fire.

- Maybe that's why this was closed down.

ABE: Guys.

There's another room.

Bingo.

CHAZ: Crazy.

TODD: Maybe the cans saved some of these prints.

- Let's start digging.

TODD: Aw, man.

RICKY: What's that?

[loud banging]

- Ricky! Ricky, are you guys okay?

ABE: Wha-what happened?

- Guys, look!

[man grunting]

- Let's rock.

- Did you throw him out?

- Nope. The door was swinging when I got up here.

- Where do you think he went?

- Roaming. Searching for a fix.

He thinks he's doing the drugs,

but brother, those drugs are doing him.

- Alright, kids. The show's over.

Now... what are we gonna watch?

ABE: How about this one?

TODD: Whoa.

- You found this in the basement?

- What is it? - Not Encino Man.

- I'm in. JEFF: No way!

I'm not putting this junk in my projector.

- C'mon, man. Don't be such a narc!

- Shut it, perv!

If this was locked up downstairs, it was for a reason.

You want to get in trouble again?

- Dude, we're not gonna get in trouble.

- Ricky's in.

- I'm in too.

- Four against one! We're watching it.

- No way! You guys are gonna have to kill me.

- Mr. Pike told you to play whatever we choose.

And we've chosen.

Rules are rules, Heavy Meta Jeff.

- That's not my name, dingus.

- You gave your word, Jeff.

You don't want me to tell Mr. Pike

that you broke your word, do you?

[thrilling music]

[whirring]

[music playing in movie]

[humming with music]

[humming continues]

[dinging bell]

[humming becomes clear]

- Is this an art film?

- I don't know, dude.

I do not know.

[humming continues]

- Oh... my...

[movie stops]

- Hey, what the frick?!

[Jeff speaking faintly]

- No! That's it! Show is over, folks.

- C'mon, man. It was just getting good.

- I am not breaking my edge for your European titty movie.

- Don't be such a prude, Jeff.

- No. He's right.

CHAZ: What?

- This is pornography, Chaz. This is a sin.

- It's not pornography. It's art.

- I feel weird.

- Yeah, me too.

JEFF: You bet you do.

You see, the science of porn is well known.

The human brain, when aroused by erotic images,

dumps chemicals into the bloodstream,

which send the viewer into full throttle

"give me more" mode.

- You know, that's... that's right.

And we may think that we're just being curious,

but that will turn into an obsession.

Besides, what would Mr. Pike think

if he caught us doing this?

- Oh, he'd definitely blame me.

I'm the one that's supposed to be responsible here.

- No. I'm the one who brought the print upstairs.

This is my fault. And Ricky's right.

If we let ourselves fall into temptation,

who knows what it'll lead to?

- Some of us know what it will lead to.

Right, Todd?

- Wait, where's Todd?

TODD: THE WILDCARD!

[reel starts to roll]

JEFF: You little perv!

[reel whirring]

[banging on door]

JEFF: Todd! Open the door, Todd! Open it!

[eerie music]

[panting]

[panting continues]

[eerie music continues]

[music builds to crescendo]

[loud bang]

JEFF: TODD!

[Jeff grunts]

Real smooth, dingleberry. It's jammed.

- I didn't do anything. I just hit 'Play'.

JEFF: It's not a VCR. You can't just hit 'Play'.

See?

This is why amateurs shouldn't mess with serious equipment.

- Well, we're all beefed if Mr. Pike comes back

and that dirty movie is in the projector.

- No. I cannot get in trouble for this again.

My dad will send me away.

- Todd, don't worry about it, man.

It's gonna be fine.

- If I have to call the repair guy,

I'm gonna tell him who's responsible.

What the heck, dude?

[clatter]

- I got it. [chuckles]

- You moron!

Get that filth out of my booth!

RICKY: That was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

CHAZ: I know.

Do you think that's how all pornography is?

RICKY: I don't know.

We definitely shouldn't have watched it, that's for sure.

What is this place?

- It's fine.

It's just a bunch of old junk.

- [Chaz screams] - [rat squeaking]

[Chaz gasps]

- Okay.

Let's just put this away

so we can get the heck out of here.

- It was right over there.

Yeah.

- Okay, let's go.

- Can I ask you something first?

- Yeah.

- You never wrote me a letter this summer.

- What?

- You said you would write me... from camp?

- Oh, uh, yeah... um...

Look, it was just... really intense.

I'm sorry. - No. No, it's no big deal.

I mean, it's not like I checked the mail every day

like some dope.

- Chaz... - Really. It's totally cool.

Trish's cousin Alex visited for a few weeks

and he brought all these mixtapes with him. Goth music.

And we pretty much just drove around

in her mom's Aerostar, pumping jams.

It was amazing.

- [chuckles] Your dad let you do that?

I don't have to ask permission for everything.

I didn't ask if I could wear this eyeliner.

I didn't ask if I could listen to The Cure. And, and...

I didn't ask if I could kiss Alex.

I just did those things because, who cares? Right?

It's not like someone's out there missing me

or wondering what I'm doing.

- Alex, huh?

Was he a good kisser?

- [scoffs] You're such an idiot.

[faint chuckle]

[chuckles again]

[thrilling music]

- Hello?

JEFF: Mr. Pike's going to explode my nuts

if I can't get this fixed.

- Explode your nuts?

Is that a thing? - It happens, man.

My dad was in 'Nam. He says he saw it all the time.

[grunts] Cheese and rice!

I can't believe that degenerate broke my projector.

- Lay off him, man.

- Abe...

You seem like a good kid.

But Todd is a verified pervert.

You shouldn't be hanging out with him.

- Who died and made you role model?

Didn't you drop out of college and move back in with your mom?

- [scoffs] You think you know everything, don't you?

But listen up.

'Cause maybe you'll learn a thing or two.

That college was sucking away my money

and pumping me full of secular propaganda.

With all the dough I'm saving living at home,

I'm gonna buy a brand-new drum kit.

Then I'm going to get my band back together

and we are gonna thrash harder than ever.

- Yeah, I'm sure God loves your crappy heavy metal.

- It's not heavy metal.

Besides, what are you doing with your life

that makes you so special, anyway?

Exactly.

[jumbled dialogues play]

- This is a... weird movie.

[howling]

- Something's not right.

- "The demon can only be summoned or dispatched

"via the sacred instruments...

"Only in its true form.

...it's true form."

RICKY: What is that?

- It's a book.

- Look, Chaz... I'm sorry.

- Whatever.

- Hey! Don't be like that.

- I just don't get what's going on with you.

Growing up, all you talked about was baseball.

Leaving town, playing for the majors...

If that's not what you want,

then what do you actually want?

- What does that look like to you?

- I don't care about that book.

Talk to me.

[distant whistling]

What is that?

- Okay...

Let's get out of here.

Wait, I thought you propped this open.

- I did.

I promise.

- No!

- Hello?

Hello? - [distant whistling]

- Who's out there?

Todd!

Stop messing around. Open up!

- Guys?

[laughter]

Ten foot... hole?

What the...

Oh...

my...

God...

[loud cry]

[machine screeching]

- Weird.

- Where's Todd? I mean, he should be back by now.

- He's probably wankin' it, thinkin' about that titty movie.

- He'd never do that.

Todd's a spaz, but he's not a perv.

- The cops found him in a tree

with a pair of binoculars...

- You don't know that. - ...peeping on some lady.

It was in the paper, bro!

Facts are facts.

- Dude!

Shut up.

- Abe!

Come back here and pick this stuff up.

ABE: Todd!

Todd.

JEFF: Abe!

Wait up, man.

Figures.

- Todd!

- Dude, you're gonna have to give him mouth to mouth.

- He's breathing, you cretin.

- [gasping] - Todd.

You okay, man? What happened?

- I-I saw her.

- You saw who?

Well, who'd you see, Todd?

- Her.

- Dude.

He peed his pants. [chuckles]

- Abe, I don't think it's pee, man.

[whispers] It's not.

- What are you talking about?

- The woman-- the woman from the film.

She was here.

I saw her...

Her hooters, man.

And everything else. - Yeah, right.

The only naked lady you've ever seen is your mom.

- My mom's dead, freak.

- Prove it!

- What was that?

What the...

Careful, Heavy Metal Jeff.

Don't break your edge. [scoffs]

- Forget it, loser.

I'm not popping wood for this trash.

- Dang it.

You find anything back there?

CHAZ: Calm down, I'm looking.

What the heck?

Who's there?

Ricky?

[metal clanking]

[screaming]

- What? What happened?

- Were-were-were you just in there with me?

Was that you?

- What? - I--I saw--I saw, um--

I touched your, uh...

- Chastity, stop!

I don't want you.

- What?

- I mean...

...because of Jasmine, you know.

And Mr. Pike, he said--

- Ricky, shut up!

- I think someone's in here with us.

- What?

- This is what I saw in there.

- Abe! - Let us out!

- Todd!

JEFF: Listen...

Clearly, you saw one of these titty posters

and you thought it was a real woman.

All these porn chemicals running around in your brain,

giving you hallucinations and whatnot--

It's totally typical of satanic takeover of the mind.

TODD: It's not porn chemicals.

I saw her.

You believe me, right?

- Maybe you got confused?

- Abe...

Abe, please. I saw her bush, man.

- Guys...

Look at this photo.

Who does this look like?

JEFF: It's that old boozer.

TODD: But, when was this taken?

CHAZ: Abe, Todd. RICKY: Todd.

- You guys hear that?

RICKY: Get us outta here.

- Help! Abe! Open up! - Help! Jeff! Todd!

- What were you two doing in here so long?

- We got stuck.

Didn't you a-holes hear us screaming and pounding?

- Screaming and pounding, huh?

- Shut up, Todd.

- Shut up, everybody.

We gotta get out of here.

No!

- What?

- Someone took my keys.

- Did you lock us in here?

- No, I left them in the door.

- Okay, that's it, knuckleheads.

Turn out your pockets.

- Wait.

There are copies in Mr. Pike's office.

- It's the woman from the film.

She's here. - What did you say?

- Todd! Shhh.

- No, no, no. We gotta get outta here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can't let you do that, buddy.

It's a violation of employee policy...

on destroying company property.

Okay?

It's in the handbook.

Alright? Use your head.

Okay, guys.

Look...

There ain't no movie woman.

If you ask me...

it's that creepy old dude.

I think he used to own the place.

And now he's back.

Under the influence, and a perv to boot.

Someone like that is capable of anything.

Boys...

it's time to ante up.

- Forget that.

Let's get the keys and get out of here.

- The lady from the film is here,

I'm telling you.

- It just sounds crazy, Todd.

- Why can't you back me up on this?

Just this once.

Right or wrong, I always stick by you.

- [snorts] You two losers sound like an old married couple.

- Shut up, Heavy Metal Jeff! - Shut up, Heavy Metal Jeff!

CHAZ: Guys!

[pounding on door]

- Look.

- You put that dirty movie on again?

- No way!

We put it back where we found it.

[screaming]

- Nope, I'm outta here.

- Office! - What was that?

Was that the projector?

- Oh no.

Dope fiend with a fistful of keys and nothing to lose?

It's grandpa's party now.

Barricade that door.

[grunting]

[all grunting with effort]

[gasping, grunting]

[grunting]

[knock on door]

- What's in here?

- A rifle.

- Are you serious?

- That's what Mr. Pike told me when I was training.

He was showing me around the office

and when I asked him what was in the cabinet--

- He pulled out a gun? - I don't buy it.

- No. He didn't pull it out.

He just said I never had to worry

because he was watching out for everybody.

[loud thud]

- What... what was that?

[wood creaking]

[panting]

- Guys...

Where's Todd?

- He didn't come in here with us?

- Well, he's still out there.

Move this stuff! - Wait, maybe it's Mr. Pike.

- It's not midnight yet!

- It's hobo fever.

Let's smoke this junkie.

[grunting]

- What's this?

- What is this for?

To clean his gun?

- What gun?

- Weird.

Whoa. CHAZ: What is it?

- We shouldn't have opened this cabinet.

This is-- is private.

- Give it. I want to see.

Give it to me.

I don't get it.

Wait, what?

Oh, my gosh.

- What? Abe, hook it to the TV.

- No.

- Do it.

[door opening]

- What the H?

Turn it off.

Turn it off now!

- Mr. Pike was filming customers in the ladies room.

- It can't be. This just can't be.

- There are so many tapes.

- Shut up, Chaz. It's not true.

Did you do this? Hm? Or your little friend?

- No. I've never even been in here before.

- What kind of a joke is this?

- Guys, look.

Give me that.

- No way.

This doesn't make any sense.

This doesn't make any kind of sense.

- No... it all makes sense.

Mr. Pike's a liar.

- What?!

- Mr. Pike is full of bull crap.

I mean, what's all that crazy junk downstairs?

What are all these tapes?

- He's not a liar.

CHAZ: Oh, yeah?

Why'd you go to camp this summer?

- What does that have to do with anything?

ABE: Camp?

Aren't you a little old for camp?

- I'm just...

I'm not supposed to talk about it.

- Why not?

Didn't you find it transformative?

- How do you know about that?

- Mr. Pike.

- He told you?

- He said it would fix things.

That it would take the burden of homosexuality off you

so you could be free to live a normal life.

- You're gay?

But... but...

you're, like, an athlete.

- She's lying.

Shut up, Chaz.

- I'm lying?

I'm lying?

Who do you think told Mr. Pike

that you were having lustful thoughts about men?

- Girls playing baseball...

gay guys playing baseball... what is going on, man?

- It's not true. It's not true.

Chaz just can't stand it

that I am in love with Jasmine and not her.

- There is no Jasmine.

[screaming]

- What in the Lord's name?

Hello?

Chaz?

Ricky?

Where are you guys?

[laughter]

Chaz?

- It's okay, man.

You can still beat this.

I was an addict too.

My vice? Nicotine.

It took me months. Even after I found my edge.

But I haven't smoked in a year.

Mr. Pike helped me quit. He helped me find God again.

He's no perv.

And neither are you.

MR. PIKE: Hello?

JEFF: C'mon, man.

There's no cryin' in baseball.

- Guys...

MR. PIKE: Alright now.

Enough's enough.

- He's here.

- Mr. Pike! - Mr. Pike!

- Mr. Pike. - We're in your office!

- He can't hear us.

- I'm comin' in... guys?

- Something's not right.

[static on TV]

- It's her.

- Who?

- What is he doing?

- Okay.

Oh, my.

- Todd was right.

MR. PIKE: Is this really happening?

[moaning]

- Whoa.

- Mercy.

Mercy.

Oh, yes.

[grunting, moaning]

- What is that? - [grunting]

- Brother, that's unbridled perversion.

- [moaning] - No, no, no.

That. - [moaning]

[Mr. Pike gasping]

- Oh, no.

[grunting]

[screaming]

- Mr. Pike! Oh, God!

[coughing, screaming]

- Oh, my god! Oh, my god! [coughing]

- He's still alive.

He's still alive.

[gasping]

We have to help him.

We have to help him.

We have to help him.

Come on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

ALL: What?!

- I'm the only one who can handle this.

Lock the door, sit tight,

don't move 'til I say, "all clear."

Read me?

- Are you sure?

- [whispers] I have the bat.

Go.

[whispering] Mr. Pike...

[blowing hard]

Put him down, you godless beast.

CBTL. CBTL. CBTL. CBTL...

Nicotine.

Christ...

Bears...

The...

Loaaa...

Ah! My nut!

[Jeff crying]

- She got Jeff!

[crying in pain]

- Whoa.

- She... exploded... my... nuts.

It's just like in there...

- Hey. Hey, hey. No.

Stay with me.

Hey! Hey! Stick with me here, Jeff.

Okay... alright...

JEFF: [grunts] No. - Let me help you.

I did first aid for the baseball team.

- But Ricky...

- Look, Jeff... you're bleeding out.

- Are you sure it's a good idea?

I mean...you know...

Because you're a gay dude.

- Do you think I'm going to get turned on

by your exploded testicles?

Is that how you think being gay works?

- Honestly, man...

I have no idea.

[Jeff grunts]

[Jeff grunts]

BOTH: Ow.

JEFF: Oh.

- Uhh.

[Jeff grunts]

- [Jeff grunts] CHAZ: Oh.

- We have to find Todd...

Before that thing does.

JEFF: I know he's your friend, man.

But there's no saving him now.

You saw what happened to Mr. Pike.

Mr. Pike... It's a pervert's fate.

- No, he's not a pervert.

It wasn't his idea to peep on that lady in her bathroom.

It was mine.

Todd didn't want to,

but he did it because I asked him.

He climbed that tree with me, and then...

The lady caught us, and Todd...

just...couldn't get down the tree fast enough.

You know, 'cause...

his hand.

And I ran away. - Abe--

ABE: --He didn't even want to be there and I ran.

I left him and he got caught and never said a word.

- Why are you saying all this?

- He's not the pervert, Chaz.

I am.

[Jeff screams]

- Okay.

[Jeff groans]

Okay.

[Jeff groans]

Alright...

It's all done.

Here.

Take these.

Look.

They're pain killers.

I use them when my shoulder flares up.

- My life is poison-free, Ricky.

You know that's non-negotiable.

- You consume at least a 144 ounces

of caffeine-free diet coke, every day.

- Pain is temporary...

honor is immortal.

[Jeff panting in pain]

- What are we up against here?

- It's called a succubus.

- Sh-She's a handmaiden of the Evil One...

whose profane thirst in unquenchable.

She inflames the loins... and ravages the soul.

Once under her spell,

her supplicants become prisoners of their own wicked desires...

for all eternity.

- Let me see.

[Jeff grunts and pants]

Yeah...that's the one that popped me.

- No one is safe.

I saw her in the basement...

she kissed me.

- Was it sexy?

- She was a man.

- Oh, Jesus.

RICKY: Guys.

When we watched that movie...

we unleashed a sex demon.

JEFF: See, kids?

That's why I don't watch porno.

CHAZ: Abe, we have to destroy the film.

That's how this whole thing started,

that's how we'll finish it.

Come on, it's still in the projector.

- No. I have to find Todd.

We've seen what she can do.

I can't abandon him.

Not again.

JEFF: Abe, you're brave.

[Jeff panting]

But remember...

[Jeff panting]

Don't let it tempt you.

I couldn't hold my edge.

That's how I lost my nuts.

That's how Mr. Pike lost the whole package.

[♪♪♪]

[mysterious music]

ABE: Todd.

Todd!

[mysterious music]

[loud clatter]

[suspenseful music]

- You guys ready?

[suspenseful music]

Let it burn.

- Guys, why is there no smoke?

- So he looked and behold...

The brush was burning with fire.

But it was not consumed.

[Jeff sighs]

- Figures...

- We need to pray. That's-that's the only way that we beat this.

JEFF: Count me out.

[Jeff groans]

Give me a light.

- Jeff, are you sure?

- I believe in nothing now.

[dramatic theme playing]

- Lord, forgive us for the abomination

that we have brought into our lives.

Please cleanse our souls and let us be released from

what our iniquity has wrought.

Let this foul, malevolent force be cast

back into the darkness from where it came.

[♪♪♪]

- I'm so sorry, Ricky.

- I always wondered how Mr. Pike knew.

I mean, I thought I was hiding it well.

A-A lot of guys wear earrings these days.

- I didn't know you were going to give up baseball.

- He told my parents, Chaz.

- I-I was trying to help you.

- Did you pray for me to be fixed?

JEFF: Guys, stop it.

Mr. Pike is a fraud.

This place is a den of filth.

God has abandoned us.

All we have is each other.

We have to find Todd.

[mysterious music]

[growling]

[growling]

[suspenseful music]

[grunts and groans]

[moaning]

[growling]

[Abe screams]

[Abe continues to screams]

[growling]

[Abe panting]

- Oh.

[Abe breathes heavily]

- Did you see that?

[Abe breathes heavily]

Did you... did you see that?

- Abe, your pants.

[Abe breathes heavily]

[growling]

- It's-It's Todd...

He's in there.

[Abe breathes heavily]

[♪♪♪]

[suspenseful music]

- [door slams] ABE: Todd? Todd!

RICKY: Holy crap! Is he dead?

CHAZ: No, wait. Look. He's still moving.

[whistling]

RICKY: It's the creepy old man.

- Jeff was right.

He was behind this whole thing.

- Oh, man...

He's bleeding.

I see you've been touched by the demon...

same as me.

- Oh, I have been touched by her...

but not the same as you!

[Beekman screams]

[all scream]

- [all scream] - [Beekman screams]

[Todd screams]

- Don't you touch him!

Todd! Are you okay? What have they done to you?

- I got knocked out.

This guy cut his penis off.

I don't know why.

Nobody tells Todd anything.

JEFF: You've seen his pictures, Todd.

You saw his posters.

He's a smut peddler.

He unleashed the monster that killed Mr. Pike,

and now he wants to turn you

into his own personal pleasure pony!

- What?! - What do you want?

BEEKMAN: Me?

[Beekman laughs]

I want the same as you.

Out of this place!

You see...

This was mine... yeah? All mine.

Before they drove me out...

Before they burned my archive...my face...

This was my pleasure palace!

And I the Lord [laughs]...Lord Beekman!

[mysterious music]

Oh, but we must be quick now...

The hour of unity approaches.

You were kind enough to conjure her.

Now I have arranged the sacred instruments.

The mortar... the bells...the knife.

I provided the ounce of flesh.

And this... this degenerate...

holds the final ingredient...

Virgin blood.

[Todd screams]

[all gasping]

[Todd screams]

- Stop cutting me! Please!

- Not one step further.

Or I'll let him...

Like a goat.

Blood of virgins.

Purity... and light.

[♪♪♪]

[whistling]

[suspenseful music]

Stand back, children...

and behold!

They will never separate me again

from the Goddess of the Flesh!

[grunts]

[screams]

[thunder rumbling]

[screams]

[♪♪♪]

[screams]

[suspenseful music]

[Todd grunts]

[all scream]

[growling]

[mysterious music]

- No!

RICKY: Don't!

[mysterious music]

- Whoa.

[Abe panting]

- Hello?

[Jeff gasps]

[Jeff coughs]

[Jeff panting]

- Where are we?

- I think we're in the same place.

ABE: Todd!

You're okay!

Are you okay?

TODD: Why am I in my street clothes?

- Where are Chaz and Ricky?

Chaz?

Ricky?

- Maybe they're upstairs?

[suspenseful music]

- Chaz?

Ricky?

Is it morning already?

- No way.

JEFF: Ow.

- What?

- It burned me.

ABE: Ah.

- Help...

- Help! - Hey, help!

BOTH: Help! Help us!

Help us! Help!

Help.

[both panting]

[♪♪♪]

Whoa!

- Did you see that?

- This... is no bueno.

TODD: Uh, guys?

ABE: Todd... your hand.

- Weird.

- Fuck yes.

[chanting music]

- Todd?

Todd?

- Oh, boy.

[Todd grunts]

[Todd screams]

[Abe and Jeff scream]

[Ricky sighs]

CHAZ: Oh, [indistinct].

Please...

[inhales and exhales] What should I do?

[Chaz breathes heavily]

[bell dings]

- Sorry.

- True form...

- What?

What was that?

- It's a book...

FLASHBACK: We unleashed a sex demon...

CHAZ: It's called a succubus...

RICKY: What does that look like to you?

CHAZ: I don't care about that book.

BEEKMAN: The mortar... the bells... the knife...

I have arranged the sacred instruments...

CHAZ: She kissed me...

True form... true form... true form...

RICKY: The sacred instruments.

- The demon can only be summoned or dispatched

via the sacred instruments...

when it's in its... true form.

- What'd you just say?

[♪♪♪]

Chaz, what's going on?

- I have a plan.

- For what?

- For getting our friends back.

[Abe and Jeff panting]

- Man, what is going on right now?

- Real wrath of god-type stuff.

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies.

Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness.

Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead

rising from the grave... - Whoa, whoa, wait.

Is this from The Book of Revelations?

- Ghostbusters.

[Jeff breathes heavily]

- I think we have company.

[Abe and Jeff panting]

[music playing on radio]

[song playing]

- It's working.

[song continues to play]

[♪♪♪]

[growling]

- What is that?

- I don't know.

- What are we gonna do?

DEMON TODD: Die.

- Todd?

- What's up, pussy?

You must be stoked to be in the girls' bathroom.

You come in here to lick the toilet seats or what?

- No. It's not-It's not him.

He's, like, possessed or something.

- Nah, dawg. I'm not possessed. I'm fucking free.

And now, you're going to die dickless in the girl's shitter.

Just like that fuckwad Mr. Pike.

- Hey, watch your mouth, Demon Todd.

- Hey, fuck you, poser!

- What did you call me?

DEMON TODD: A poser. A crybaby.

A momma's boy who got too scared at college

and came running home with his tail between his legs.

You know what I would've done

for a crack at all that free porn and booze

you ran away from at that college?

I would have given my right fucking hand.

[Todd laughs]

But now I don't have to.

Once I'm done with you two, I'm gonna saddle up

and strap in for an eternity full of fucking...

fightin', and gettin' my knob slobbed

by that sexy-ass demon chick.

- We have to kill Todd.

- Come at me, bitch.

- Ricky?

Are you ready?

Ricky?

- [Ricky grunts] - Should I do it?

[Ricky grunts]

Ricky! What are you seeing?

What's it like?

RICKY: Just...

Give me... a few more minutes...

[Ricky grunts]

- No, wait! You can't hurt him.

Regular Todd is still inside him. I know it.

Look, Todd...

[Abe breathes heavily]

I know you're in there.

- Regular Todd is dead.

There's only Demon Todd now.

- Move over, Abe. - No, no, no, no, wait!

- Abe! We're in trouble, man!

- Regular Todd, if you can hear me,

I need you to know one thing.

I love you, man.

You always get my back.

And you never complain when I don't get yours.

You're the best friend a guy could have.

I realize that now.

And if I die here today,

I'll be glad I got to spend

my last few moments alive with you.

There's nobody else I'd rather spend them with.

- Come here, man.

- Don't do it, dude!

- Oldest trick in the fucking book!

[Abe screams]

- My nuts!

[♪♪♪]

- Ricky!

[Ricky grunts]

Ricky, I'm going to do it now.

I have to change it back to its true form,

or you can't kill it.

- No, wait.

- No, I have to.

If you go all the way, the demon will kill you.

- Hold on a second...

- Ricky! Ricky, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it!

- No! No! No!

[♪♪♪]

[growling]

[♪♪♪]

[Jeff grunts]

[Jeff screams]

- Please! - Oh, boo hoo.

Abe's trapped in Hellworld.

I'm going to rip off your ding-dong

and feed it to you like a baby bird.

- Really?

- Let's get those pants off, big boy.

[♪♪♪]

- Ricky!

[♪♪♪]

[shrill scream]

Bingo.

[Ricky sighs]

[Ricky panting]

[Abe screams]

- Aw, shoot.

[Jeff panting]

- Whoa.

[Jeff panting]

[♪♪♪]

- I'm sorry I grabbed your junk, dude.

I feel awful.

- It's okay, buddy. It wasn't you.

- Thank you for coming after me.

- Yes!

- Guys! Oh, you're back!

- See. Your plan worked.

ABE: Ricky, what happened to you?

- Oh... I...

- We killed her...

or trapped her back in the film, at least.

- Someone has to watch over it.

Make sure nobody ever sees it again.

- Abe... what if you get, like, tempted or something?

- CBTL.

- So... what do we do now?

[Jeff panting]

- Let's get the heck out of here.

[glass shatters]

[dog barking]

[footsteps]

[♪♪♪]

[song playing]

[music fades out]