All language subtitles for modern.family.s04e13.720p.web.dl.x264-mRS

As great as it is bringing a baby
home from the hospital,

there's one sound you absolutely
dread waking up to...

Relatives.

I really never saw
this wedding pictures, mama.

How handsome and
young papa looks.

Ay, it makes me sad.

Ay, I know that you miss him.

No. Look at my ass.

There are two things in that picture
I don't have anymore.

Sonia, can I help you?

No, no, she's fine.
It keeps her busy.

We need more corn.
Gloria, where is your garden?

I will harvest some.

They don't live that way, honey.

Gloria, give me the keys.
We'll go to the market.

Hey, you're all awake.
I didn't hear you.

Oh, look at my two handsome men.

Mi ni�'o, Fulgencio Umberto.

You know, about the name,
we're not entirely sure...

Sonia, vamonos.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.

Say good-bye to Fulgencio.

Good-bye, Fulgencio.

His name is Joe.

You tell her that
we're not naming him

after her dead husband
or his father before him.

- His name was--
- Please don't say it again.

Jay, I cannot go against
my mother's will.

But she likes you.

Maybe if you convince her...

Fulgencio Umberto--
the initials are F.U. Pritchett.

Which is exactly
the way it feels right now.

Is there some kind of
dress code for godparents?

You're not wearing a fedora, Phil.

Can you pick up the dry cleaning?

That sounds like
an offer I can't refuse.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

So I got delayed picking up
Lily from dance class.

Now Gloria's got me
running around

doing a thousand things
for christening.

Son of a bitch.

It's not that bad, really.
I'm just--I'm venting.

I couldn't believe it.
Somebody's balloons

were blocking my billboard.
Philboard.

My philboard.

Can we wear the same
outfits at Crispin's party

that we're wearing to the baptism?

Oh, you know what?
I don't know.

Because you wanna be
subdued at church

and then fabulous at night.

You know who
would make a fortune?

The designer who comes up with
the little black dress for men.

I'm bored.

I know, sweetie,
but daddies are talking

about what we're
gonna wear tonight,

and that's a difficult conversation.

- Cry me a river.
- Lily.

I-I'm not loving this attitude.

You seem a little mean.

Sorry. Should I call you
a wah-mbulance?

Oh, my gosh.
She has been so snarky lately.

I know. I've actually
been getting nervous

when we're making
her late for something.

Because of what
she said the other day?

- "Today, ladies."
- Hurtful.

You know, she hears us doing it,

so we--we should try
and be less negative.

Model some better behavior.

Yeah. Well, you know,
if it's a model she needs,

she's come to the right place.

Oh, boy.
Hmm.

I wish Lily was in here

so she could hear me
not comment on that.

I get it. You're modeling.

Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again.

I-I got cut off by your machine.

I'm, uh, not sure
where I left off there,

but I'll attempt to be brief,

as I do appreciate when people
do the same for me.

Anyhoo, uh, your balloons
are co-- Damn it!

Is anyone home? Mom!

I need her first. Mom!

- She's out. - Why is she always
gone when we need an adult?

- I can help.
- What's with the cage?

- Science project.
- Mom, where are you?

- Out. It's just the three of us.
- Four.

- I need her.
- Rats.

I know, right?

Guys, I'm right here.
What do you need?

- No, it's okay.
- We're good.

- Okay, never mind.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Family meeting.
Everybody grab some 'za.

We're gonna talk about this.

Listen, I know you guys
like to go to mom

because she's
Mr. tough guy problem-solver.

She gets results.

Yeah, she does.
She does. You're right.

Like the last time we got pizza
from our favorite place here.

Remember that?
We got shortchanged,

she cursed a blue streak
and got our money back?

How's that pizza, by the way?

- Pretty good. - It's okay.
- Liars!

It's garbage.

That's not Scardino's,
it's Scandoni's.

You know why?

'Cause your mom's little blow-up

got us banned
from Scardino's for life.

So maybe your mom's way
isn't always the best way.

Now why don't you guys
tell me what's going on?

I'm having a '60s-themed
birthday party next week.

Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye.

Karen Sullivan heard about it,

and decided to have
the same party... tonight.

Not groovy.

I accidentally called
my teacher "mommy."

My "friend" Reuben went around
and told everyone.

Oh, hey, Reuben,

do you remember that
class field trip to the zoo

when the zebra rushed the fence
and you peed your pants?

I didn't tell anyone,
not even on the bus ride home

when he had to sit next to mom--

Ms. Bockman! Damn it!

Our neighbor's out of town,

and she's paying me to move
her car on street cleaning days.

Now I would just park it
in her driveway,

but she already has a camper
and a cord of wood there.

Pretty sure she's a lesbian.

Anyway, easy money, right?

Oh, my God, I can't see anything!

Hard starboard!

What does that even mean?!

- Move your car!
- How much longer do I have to block people?

- Come on!
- I'm late for the airport.

Dylan, you are being
no help right now!

Sorry, but I'm already
in trouble with dispatch

for drinking
all those little waters.

- Drive! Do it now!
- Aah!

How do I tell her
I snapped a branch

on her beloved lemon tree?

I mean, she boils the leaves

to add a scent to her
own work boot oil.

Did I mention she plays
in two softball leagues?

Now what are you guys gonna do?

You gonna have
your mom go around

and yell at all these people
and burn a bunch of bridges?

Or are you gonna talk
to your Reubens,

your Karens, your lemon... lady,

tell 'em how you feel,

appeal to their human side?

The choice is pretty simple, huh?

So she's out all day?

- I'll try her cell.
- It's off.

I texted her while dad was talking.

Pilar, I brought you a coffee.

- Oh.
- I put a little something extra in it.

Jay, you devil.

Hey, by the way, look...

It's beautiful, no?

It's the dressing gown
for Fulgencio's christening.

All the men in
our family wear this.

What's one more son in a dress?

Oh, tradition.
Oh, it's so important.

I have a gift in here
for little Fulgencio

that has been in my family
for three generations.

You know, about
this naming thing--

In America, it's not real common
to hear the name Fuljencio.

It's "Ful-hen-cio."

- Hen?
- Hen.

I don't need to practice it
'cause I can't name my son that.

I'm just being honest with you.

No. No, no, no, no, that's good.

That's good. I should be
more honest with you sometimes.

Well, we've known
each other a few years.

- I don't like you, Jay.
- Huh?

Nah. We can act like
everything is fine for the family,

but, you know,
I have never liked you.

The way you take whatever
looks good to you--

you know, like my daughter
or the last piece of meat.

You're always too busy
to pick me up at the airport.

You send a total stranger
with a cardboard sign.

- Hi, grandma.
- Hey.

Hey, buddy.
Get over here.

I sure do love
the cross you got me.

But do I have to wear it today?

It's kinda hard to close
my shirt over it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You do whatever you want, padrecito.

I know that's
the way in this house.

But if you wear it, ooh,
you'll make me proud.

It's been in my family
for five generations.

- Okay.
- I'll walk you out, buddy.

Is anything in her family new?

Just you.

Okay. Excuse me. Sorry.

All right.
Here we've got the deli platter,

and there's more in my car.

But those are not
from Rumpernook's.

No, because the cheese at Rump...

I don't go there anymore.

I'm going to do the laundry.

Okay, Sonia.
I love you so much.

Wow. Pretty cozy with
the new housekeeper, huh?

She's my sister.

Wow. Pretty weird
with your sister.

She likes to keep busy.
But I feel bad for her.

I have so much,
and she has nothing.

Okay. Well, people
make their own choices.

It's not like you're responsible.

No, no.

Maybe just a little bit.

I was older and I had
opportunities to travel,

and I took them.

Well, it didn't prevent her
from going anywhere.

No, no.

Maybe just one time.

There was a letter
that arrived from America

about a job opportunity.

And it was only for one person,

and I went.

But it's not like the envelope
was addressed to her,

and you opened it and...

You're evil.

I had to get out of there, Claire.

You just strapped
on those high heels

and walked right over
her back, didn't you?

Maybe a little bit.

Where is the river?

Hey, boys!

Crispin.

Hey, shouldn't you be preparing

for your annual party
of the century?

It's done and it's perfect.

In my mind,
I'm already into next year's.

Listen, I'm here with Brett.

I don't know if you've seen
his new look,

but you are going to have
a heart attack and die.

No one's dying.

- It's just an expression.
- Yeah.

Hey, handsome.

Yep, I did it.

Pulled the trigger and got a perm.

You sure did.

Did it myself,
right in the kitchen.

You don't need
to spend a million

to look like a million.

Uh, you know,
my coffee's probably ready, so...

Bye.

Okay, that's like a chia pet, right?

Maybe a drag production of "Annie"?

Oh, actually, Lily,

I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting

that Brett has feelings,

and we need to try
and not hurt them.

Yes, and maybe we should
remind Uncle Crispin

that when you say
nice things to people,

they say nice things back.

Well... consider me reminded.

Gotta run.

Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye.

Okay. Yeah, can't wait.
Can't wait.

He's funny.

Yes, he is,
but he can also be biting.

- He bites people?
- Well, with his words,

not with his teeth
like Xander from art class.

We need to confirm
he got his shot.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay, Crispin--

"Too many RSVPs.
Have to make cuts to party.

Maybe next time."
Sad face.

Because we refuse to abuse,

we get banned from
the party of the century?

Does somebody need
a wah-mbulance?

No.
I do not need a wah-mbulance.

Hey, kids. How was your day?

I knew the answer to that question.

I'd had kind of a busy day

going around solving
everyone's problems.

I started by going to see
my buddy Stavros the florist.

Stavros, I assume?

Yes?

I just wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I brought you
some sandwiches, by the way.

How good is lamb, huh?

- Nikos!
- Oh! Gotcha.

Get back in there.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Oh, no. No. I...

Well...

That's when I realized
my kids didn't understand

the concept of killing
with kindness

because they'd never seen it.

So I decided I'd prove it to them

by going on a huggacidal rampage.

Is that Reuben rockin'
the Potter specs?

Quiddiculous!

Hey, listen, buddy,

I heard about Luke
calling his teacher "mommy."

Epic fail, by the way.

But, you know, since
you're one of the cool kids,

maybe you could get
the other ones to ease off a little?

Cool. Air bump.

Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy
from down the street.

We haven't met.
I was actually calling

to leave a message for your wife,

just to say thanks
for hiring my daughter Haley.

Listen, we'd love to have you and
the missus over for a glass of wine,

or--or, uh, maybe you and I
could go out for a boys' night.

But anyway, if you could--

Damn it!

Hey, Karen Sullivan.
Alex's dad.

Well, look whose teeth
got so nice and straight.

Who wants to go first?

- Are you kidding?
- Are you crazy?

- What are you trying to--
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

One at a time!

You called Ms. Cooper a man!

No, I didn't.

- I got her husband Lee on the machine.
- There is no husband!

She's Lee!

Weirdly deep-voiced,
alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper

who you invited out
for a glass of wine!

Thanks to your little
charm offensive with Karen,

one thing did change
about her party--

I'm not invited!

"Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"?

Now the whole school
is just laughing at both of us.

Stavros, hey!

Why not?!

What?

Change of plans.

This isn't over.

I want you to wear
something beautiful tonight.

So please, choose.

What is this room?

This is the closet.

So all the people of the town,

they leave their
nice clothes with you?

No. These are all my clothes.

But... I do miss
the simple things at home.

So tell me, how--
how are things in the village?

We had a flood.

Ay, but it--
it wasn't a bad one, right?

We had a boat.

Ay, that's great.

We had a boat.

Are you dating anyone?

You remember Antonio Marquez?

Yes, of course.

The most handsome boy
in the school

with those beautiful eyes.

His father with the wooden leg...

He lost it in the flood.

So is it serious?

Don't look at that.

I won't. Trust me.

Please. It's pathetic.

Crispin getting all of our friends

to text us the details
of his great party.

Such torture, huh?

Oh, catering by Amelia's.
Ow!

Topless valet Parkers.

- Sting.
- Exactly.

No, Sting is at the party.
Mitchell, I wanna be there.

- Cam.
- No, come on.

Who are we kidding?
You do, too.

Today, ladies!

Okay, right there. That.

That is why we are
making the sacrifice--

for our daughter.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I mean, I'm the last one
who should be complaining

when, let's face it,
Lily's snarkiness is my doing.

Well, what's done is done.

Let's just get ready for church.

Yeah, I mean, it's just
hard to not feel guilty,

you know, when
it's mostly my fault.

I get it.
Just don't beat yourself up.

Hey. Pocket square?
No pocket square?

Really? You're taking zero
of the responsibility, or...

Oh. We're you trying
to get me to take the blame?

Maybe just a little. Uh-huh.

Oh, and deny you the chance
to play the martyr?

Look, Cam, if you're looking
for me to be the bad guy,

you're snarking up
the wrong tree, okay?

You are the one who can't let
a single situation pass

without making a comment.

Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today.

I think it'll make you feel better.

I think I already do.

Right to my face,
"I don't like you."

Nobody doesn't like me.

I'm Jay. I'm--
I'm salt of the earth.

Why are you inhaling my baby?

Oh, they only smell perfect
like this for a little while.

Yeah. That's the stuff.

From day one, I've treated
this woman like a queen.

I've flown her back and forth,

I've... I've tasted her native food.

You know what chin tastes like?

- Mm.
- 'Cause I do.

And now to find out...

What? I'm listening.

You're rubbing yourself
with the baby.

I have seen you
French kiss your dog.

She was taking a treat
out of my mouth.

That's a trick.

I am sure you know

what I find funny
about this situation.

What?

You have an in-law who,
no matter what you do,

no matter how hard you try,
you can't win over.

What about it?

Wait. That doesn't sound familiar?

You're not saying...

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.

Son of a bitch, I'm Phil.

Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold.

Here. Why don't you take my jacket?

Sure, yeah.
Make me the rude one.

Look, I'm sorry
that I pointed out

that we're both
to blame here, all right?

But let's not turn
this lovely event

into a competition.
Here you go, sweetie.

Oh, you know what? You're right.
I shouldn't be picking at you.

But don't forget to light your candle.

I think everyone in the immediate
family's doing it.

Oh, yeah? Okay.
Good--good idea.

What the hell is that?

Some kind of gay protest thing?

It's a candle, dad.
What are you talking about?

You' purple panty tail.

Oh, no. Oh, come on.

We're in church, Mitchell,
not some disco.

You did that on purpose!

Oh, this stained glass is beautiful.

Now listen, before
we dunk the kid,

you mind if I make
a few casual remarks?

I think you already did.

Claire asked me a good question--

how did Phil win me over?

Well, he hasn't yet.

But when he stops trying so hard,

and he acts like a real person,
he comes close.

That's what I needed
to do with Pilar.

I'd like to tell you the story

of how I came to meet
my incredible wife,

because up until
the birth of this child,

it's the best thing that
ever happened to me.

Mm, that feels good huh?

So it's morning.
My car's getting waxed.

I hop in the diner.

I hear this adorable accent.

I turn. I see this pretty girl
talking to her friend.

I send over a piece of pie.

- All class.
- Mm-hmm.

Couple of minutes later,

who comes over
to thank me but Gloria,

the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

Amen.

She sits down, we start talking,

and we haven't stopped talking since.

But here's the crazy part--

I didn't send the pie to Gloria.

Her back was to me.

I sent it to her friend,

who went to the bathroom
and missed it.

And that person is here today--

Gloria's sister Sonia.

Isn't it funny how
a simple twist of fate

can change the whole--

You stole my life!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.

I got Sonia!

No more. I want
my own life, my own bed,

my own e-mail account!

Yeah, leave your
poor old mother alone.

Don't worry mam·,
you can come and live with us.

Whoa. Pump the brakes here.

What? Do you have
a problem with my mother?

No. Your mother
has a problem with me.

You think she's helpless.
Ask her what's in that box.

It's not the family gun?

Jay, if anything
should happen to Gloria,

I am there for you.

What, Sonia?
What's going to happen to me?

You might go for a walk
in your closet one day

and never come back!

See what you're missing?
Huh?

Where is Luke?

I think he's the one
standing next to Matthew.

Phil.

He was feeling a little
under the weather.

I let him stay home.

Or is he just too embarrassed
to leave the house?

Why would he be embarrassed?

Because dad tried
to fix all our problems,

and instead, ruined all our lives.

Nightmare.

You girls are so dramatic.

Do I need to call you
a wah-mbulance?

Wah-wah, wah-wah.

- Did you hear that?
- Yes!

Claire's been driving Lily
to dance class all week.

That's where she gets it from!

- We're not bad parents. Claire is.
- Huh.

I said I wasn't gonna cry,

but, oh, boy, here it comes.
Hmm!

- No, no, Cam. Not with those.
- Huh?

Okay! That's it!

We're in a House of God, damn it.

Fine. Everyone just abandon me.

Pilar, all due respect,

no one's buying the martyr act.

Not even this guy.

You ask me, you've been keeping
this one under your thumb

'cause you're afraid
of going on with your life.

But you're an attractive woman
with a lot to offer.

This could be an opportunity.

Hell, I don't even think
I knew what happiness was

till I was 60.

And the hits just keep coming.
Okay.

Sonia, we're gonna help you
get your own place,

have some independence.

And if you ever get lonely,

you come visit us
as much as you want...

With-- within reason.

- And we'll send this one
down to visit you. - What?

But he's not gonna become
a priest 'cause he likes girls.

Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em.

So... everybody think about it.

But not for too long.

There's an A.A. meeting
here at 6:00.

Sonia, please,
let us do this for you.

I really want you to be happy.

Can you forgive me?

It will take some time.

As much as you need.

And some dresses.

As many as you want.

And some shoes.

You're angry now.

Whatever happened with the kids,

I don't want you
to feel bad about it.

I don't.

I now invite the godfather
and the godmother to join us.

Don't worry.

I will take care
of everything tomorrow.

That may not be necessary,
my wife.

Phil and Claire, as godparents,

are you ready to help

the parents of this child
in their duties?

- We are.
- We are.

Do you renounce Satan?

- I do renounce him.
- I do renounce him.

And all his works?

I do renounce them.

Hey! Hey!

And all his empty promises?

Oh, my God!

I do renounce them.

Godfather, is it your wish
that this child be baptized?

It is.

In the name of the father
and the son and the holy spirit,

what name have you given the child?

Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.

May God be with you all.

Thank you, Jay.

We're never gonna call him that.

So I heard that somebody
released a bunch of rats

into Karen Sullivan's party
the other night.

And Lee Cooper's camper
just rolled into her lemon tree.

Luke isn't having any problem
at school anymore,

because Reuben admitted
he made the whole thing up.

Isn't that crazy,

how all our of kids' problems
just disappeared?

Don't ever ask me
about my business, Claire.

What are you talking about?

Don't ask me about my business.

I wasn't.

Good.

Don't.