All language subtitles for Connie.and.Carla.2004.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-QOQ.HI.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,053 (BELL RINGS) 2 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,191 BOY: Hey, check it out. Look at those two losers. 3 00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,194 - GIRL: Hi, everyone, we're Connie... - GIRL #2: And Carla. 4 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,196 - (LAUGHING) - Nerds. 5 00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,465 PA: Attention please. The yearbook committee 6 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,767 will meet today at 3:40 in the library. 7 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,370 - Good crowd. - Connie, are you sure we should? 8 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,240 Don't forget the harmony in the second verse, okay? 9 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,475 - Okay. - This is going to work, Carla. 10 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:18,045 - We just have to stick to my plan. - Right, the plan. 11 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,714 We're gonna be huge. Huge. 12 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,984 PA: All students registered for the planetarium 13 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,454 field trip should now be on the bus. 14 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,056 - (TAPE PLAYING "OKLAHOMA") - BOY: Get off the stage! 15 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:32,260 - (KIDS LAUGHING) - ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 16 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,596 ♪ Where the wind comes ♪ ♪ sweeping down the plain ♪ 17 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,132 ♪ - And the waving wheat ♪ ♪ - They're freaks. ♪ 18 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:42,670 ♪ Can sure smell sweet when the wind ♪ ♪ comes right behind the rain... ♪ 19 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:47,275 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 20 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,043 ♪ Every night ♪ ♪ my honey lamb and I ♪ 21 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,712 ♪ We sit alone and talk ♪ 22 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,514 ♪ And watch a hawk ♪ 23 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,749 ♪ Makin' lazy circles ♪ ♪ in the sky ♪ 24 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,185 ♪ Oklahoma. ♪ 25 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,287 (WOMAN OVER P.A.) United Airlines flight 539 26 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,822 to Minneapolis is now boarding at 27 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,424 - gate 31B. - (AIRPORT PA CHATTER) 28 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,560 ♪ Jesus Christ ♪ 29 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,429 ♪ Superstar ♪ 30 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:14,702 ♪ Do you think you're ♪ ♪ what they say you are? ♪ 31 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,207 ♪ Papa, can you ♪ ♪ hear me? ♪ 32 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:23,411 ♪ Papa, ♪ ♪ are you near me? ♪ 33 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,647 ♪ Papa, how I miss you ♪ 34 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:30,150 ♪ Kissing me ♪ 35 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:36,957 ♪ Good night ♪ 36 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,228 ♪ Papa. ♪ 37 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:43,764 - (BLOWS) - Thank you, you've been a great crowd. 38 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,733 All of you. 39 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,610 ♪ Memory ♪ 40 00:02:56,710 --> 00:03:02,350 ♪ All alone in the ♪ ♪ moonlight, I can smile... ♪ 41 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,885 MAN: And the greatest thing about that car show is... 42 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:08,121 you can sit in any car you want for as long as you want. 43 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,624 Yeah, I remember that from last year. 44 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,093 Cut it out, Al. 45 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,429 You know, Carla, me and Al just got this new job. 46 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,532 - We're loading stuff in this warehouse. - That's great. 47 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,134 - What's your problem? - I'm trying to eat, okay? 48 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:24,438 What are you doing here anyway? I told you we broke up. 49 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,675 - Again? - Let's go, Carla. 50 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,711 - Where you going? - Mikey, the second show. 51 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,281 Yeah, Mikey, the second show. Have some respect... 52 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:37,117 Don't you realize we're in the presence of the great waitresses? 53 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,886 - Al, shut it. - No, you shut it, Connie. 54 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,122 You and that stupid show, you're like sad, you know? 55 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,957 After all these years, just face the fact 56 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,659 it's not going to happen and give up. 57 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,529 - What? - What's your problem? 58 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,399 What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal? 59 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,268 Al, I only have one life. 60 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,305 I want it to be a happy one. Let's get out of here. 61 00:03:58,606 --> 00:03:59,940 Come on, Carla. 62 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,544 Carla, please. 63 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,414 Let's go. 64 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,983 You're a dreamer, Connie. Wake up. 65 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,556 I told you that layover from Madison would bring people in. 66 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,224 Connie, Carla! 67 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,727 We're gonna be able to pay you back soon, Frank. 68 00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:23,297 We needed more wigs than we thought, and we have to do some advertising. 69 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,435 - Good show. - Oh. 70 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,470 - You girls are great. - (GIGGLES) 71 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,306 - I gotta go see about a delivery. - BOTH: Thanks, Frank. 72 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,410 Hey, Frank, 73 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,746 Rudy's looking for you. 74 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,194 Carla, dinner theater will be so in again. 75 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,930 Yeah, Debbie Reynolds definitely knew what she was doing. 76 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,700 - Debbie Reynolds... "Darling!" - Darling. 77 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,336 - Chins up, boobs out... - It's show time. 78 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,505 - Oh. - Oh, actually, the show's over, sorry. 79 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,240 - Come back in a month when the show will be huge. - Huge. 80 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,609 - We're Connie... - And Carla. 81 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,211 - Do you like musicals? - Stop talking, strange women. 82 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,882 I can tell by your lovely accent you're a visitor to this country... and welcome. 83 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,117 Where is fat man? 84 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,686 He has a gland problem. 85 00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,389 (GASPING) 86 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,358 Where's Frank? 87 00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,228 He just left, Rudy. 88 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,098 - Where does he park? - On the rooftop. 89 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,367 Tibor, let's go. 90 00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,472 - (GASPS) - Nice to meet you, Connie, Carla. 91 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,646 (AIRPORT PA CHATTER) 92 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,815 - We gotta warn Frank. Let's go. - (GASPS) 93 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,319 - (GROANING) - The shipment is short... again. 94 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,455 FRANK: I didn't take anything, Rudy. 95 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:58,025 You were the only one who handled the transport. So now I have to kill ya. 96 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,127 - FRANK: No, don't! - Let's go get security. 97 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,862 - RUDY: I don't want to do it. - Look. 98 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,064 - RUDY: Where's the money? - (SCREAMS) 99 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,434 - How long has this been going on? - Just in time. 100 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,503 - (SOBBING) - How long? 101 00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:16,877 Officer, look these guys are big time coke dealers. 102 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,813 You take me in, I'll tell you anything you want to know, okay? 103 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,049 I left the stuff at the lounge with some girls. 104 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:26,153 You just go ask for Connie and Carla, Connie and Carla. 105 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:30,824 (CHUCKLES) 106 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,965 - (GUNSHOT) - (BOTH SCREAMING) 107 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,833 Connie and Carla! 108 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,435 (YELPS) 109 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,242 (CONTINUING SCREAMING) 110 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,978 (GUNSHOT) 111 00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,054 CARLA: Oh God, oh God, oh God... 112 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,557 - Carla, please, Carla... - (THUMPS) 113 00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,626 (GASPS) Okay, why the throat? 114 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,360 I can't believe you actually... 115 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,897 Carla, calm down, your voice is giving me cramps. 116 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,666 - Those guys are going to kill us. - Carla, we're okay. 117 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,502 Oh my God, there they are! 118 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,070 (SCREAMS) 119 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,440 - (GUNSHOT) - Did I get 'em? Did I get 'em? 120 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,142 - They're still coming. - (GUNSHOTS) 121 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,847 - Please say where you're going. - We don't know, Ma. 122 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,517 We just realized we have to make a move for our careers. 123 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,952 - We're not in trouble or anything. - Connie, Carla! 124 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,854 Are you prostitutes? 125 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,924 - (GASPS) - We'll call you. 126 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,626 Okay. 127 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,596 - (SCREAMS) - What is that? 128 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,998 - What are you doing here? - Your moms called. 129 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,801 - Where were you going? - We're going away for a while. 130 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,738 Oh, I get it. Last week you supposedly break up with me, 131 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:54,407 now you pretend you're leavin' and bump-bump-a-da, I'm supposed to propose. 132 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:58,746 - You want us to marry you. - What are you talking about? We're not even pre-engaged. 133 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,614 Mikey, if you want to propose, I'm ready. 134 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,415 (SIGHS) Oh... 135 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,653 Mikey, don't get trapped. We been dating other girls anyway. 136 00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,755 Yeah, we've been... What? 137 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,524 (GASPS) 138 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,060 Drive, Thelma, drive! 139 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,551 RUDY: What do you got? 140 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,988 Sputnik, you can't find two stupid women 141 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,792 who have my kilo and saw me blow someone's head off? 142 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,561 This is all that was there. 143 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,534 TIBOR: Business contacts. 144 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,871 "Old Town Dinner Theater, St. Louis." 145 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,708 Lincoln House Dinner Theater, Kansas City. 146 00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,176 - "Balcony Dinner Theater..." - They've left town. 147 00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,752 Wait, where's my work tote? Oh God. 148 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,186 (GASPS) I think you left it. 149 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,723 Great, now those guys know everything about us. 150 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,158 - You don't have our home address in there? - No, no. 151 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,093 (SIGHS) We should just go to the police. 152 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,995 A cop shot poor Frank. 153 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,364 Just let me think. I'm trying to make up a new plan. 154 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,166 Where can we go? 155 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,569 - New York? - New York? 156 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,705 - New York's too obvious. - Florida? 157 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,641 - Florida? - They can't hide. 158 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,042 We can't hide. 159 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,845 - We gotta go someplace where we can blend in. - Okay. 160 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,248 Somewhere where they'd never look for us, because there's no theater, 161 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:44,151 no musical theater, no dinner theater, no culture at all. 162 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,187 Los Angeles. 163 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,629 We could be LA girls now. 164 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,665 We should work out. 165 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,068 (LAUGHING) 166 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,739 - Good one. - Thank you. 167 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,343 Oh, oh. 168 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,312 I think I have a tissue. Here. 169 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,450 What's this? 170 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,052 I don't know. 171 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,089 (SCREAMS) 172 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,390 I can't see. 173 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,126 - (COUGHS) - Oh, it tastes really funny. 174 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:30,097 Don't inhale. Spit it out, stop breathing. 175 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,966 - Where'd you get that? - I didn't get it. 176 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,102 - Carla, it was in your bag. - (COUGHING) 177 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,372 (HONKS) 178 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,746 CARLA: We've been rehearsing a lot and he's got that new job. 179 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,547 What if he doesn't even have a new job? 180 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,683 What if he's found somebody else? That's it, 181 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:52,585 Mikey cheated 'cause I was working nights. It's not his fault. 182 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,621 It was that waitress at Dodo's Dinner. 183 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,190 She looks at him funny when she brings him his cheese melt. 184 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,226 "Hi, Mikey..." (MOCK GIGGLES, GAGS) 185 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,830 She makes me sick she's so sweet... so sweet like the devil in devil's food cake. 186 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,265 She makes me want to puke. She makes me want to vomit. 187 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,668 - It's okay, Carla, it's okay. - (SIGHS) 188 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,138 We deserve better though, that's for sure. 189 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,846 You know what? No more time for losers, Carla. 190 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,080 (SIGHS) Mm-hmm. 191 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,582 When one door closes, another door opens. 192 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,286 Yeah, life is like a patio door, you never know which side is going to be open. 193 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,588 Mm-hmm, and you walk into the glass. 194 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,892 ("BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYING) 195 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,869 ♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪ 196 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:45,138 ♪ Head out ♪ ♪ on the highway ♪ 197 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,741 ♪ Looking for adventure ♪ 198 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:51,845 ♪ And whatever comes ♪ ♪ our way ♪ 199 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,048 ♪ Yeah, darlin', ♪ ♪ go make it happen ♪ 200 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:58,418 ♪ Take the world ♪ ♪ in a love embrace ♪ 201 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,254 ♪ Fire all of your ♪ ♪ guns at once ♪ 202 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:05,092 ♪ And explode into space ♪ 203 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,261 - (HONKING) - ♪ Born to be wild... 204 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,664 CARLA: They look friendly here. 205 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,634 - Ooh, I really like it here. - CONNIE: Yeah, me too. 206 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,804 - I got a good feeling about this. - Yeah? 207 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,338 - Yeah. - Me too. 208 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,108 - (GIGGLES) - Okay, it really feels safe here. 209 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:24,344 - (BANGS) - Oh, gunshot! Connie, they found us. 210 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,080 - We're gonna die! - Let me look, let me look. 211 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,916 (BANGS) 212 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:32,786 - (BANGS) - Oh, we're okay, we're okay. 213 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,055 - (JACKHAMMERING, BANGS) - (CHUCKLES) 214 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,225 (SIGHS) Oh, cute. 215 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,493 CONNIE: Don't bother, Carla. They're all just 216 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,663 Als and Mikeys with a tan. 217 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,098 No more boyfriends for us. 218 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,269 Oh, wait, backup, backup. 219 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,885 - CONNIE'S MOM: Where are you? Are you okay? - CARLA'S MOM: They're not okay. 220 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,786 - Are you eating? - Mom... We're eating! 221 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,856 What are you doing for money? 222 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,825 - I'm sure they've got jobs... - Yeah, as prostitutes. 223 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,527 TOUR GUIDE: I'd be hard-pressed to say I can't remember 224 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,064 a better looking group of tourists and I mean that. 225 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,199 I hope you're ready, 'cause today is the day 226 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,968 when all the stars are coming out. 227 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,203 So, keep your cameras ready, 'cause here we go. 228 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,972 - (POLICE SIREN) - Oh, look at that, 229 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,040 another celebrity getting arrested. 230 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,076 (LAUGHS) Kidding, I'm kidding. 231 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,078 - Okay, now... - Excuse me, sir. 232 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:33,947 - Could we please drive by Debbie Reynolds' house? - Oh yeah! 233 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,849 No, that's not on the tour. 234 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:39,252 - (GASPS) - Keep your eyes peeled both left and right... 235 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,355 - Sir, sir. - Because celebrities will just pop out at ya at any time. 236 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,490 CONNIE: Sir. 237 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,193 Hi, are there any dinner theaters in town? 238 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,495 Not in this decade. 239 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,798 - Now... - Sir, isn't there a place 240 00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:55,168 - where we could sit for dinner and a show? - Yeah, my face! 241 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,879 MAN: Hey, it's Jeff, 242 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:09,749 I came by to see you again, but you're not home again. 243 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,752 But I'm bound to run into you sometime, right? 244 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,955 I'm gonna keep trying. So... 245 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890 anyway, I can't wait to see you. 246 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,492 I will talk to you later. 247 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,868 - Thanks. - You're welcome. 248 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,511 (SIGHS) None of these jobs pay real money. 249 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,314 - I know. - I'll go make some calls. 250 00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,315 Okay. 251 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,052 We'll find something. 252 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,354 We're the only salon in Los Angeles 253 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,556 that does the Hijiki Herbal Clay Wrap. 254 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,492 You have done wrapping before? 255 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,963 Oh, yeah, there's a ton of these salons in France. 256 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,366 Where we're from... (MIMICS FRENCH ACCENT) originally. 257 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,568 Oh, très bien. 258 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,572 You can finish it then. 259 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,474 Seal it tightly with ductile sheathing. 260 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,009 Right. 261 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,246 - Excuse me, Mrs. Morse. - Oh, sure. 262 00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:16,449 Okay. 263 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,058 - Is that too tight? - No, no, this is good. 264 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,827 It'll help squish out all that water I've been retaining. 265 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,230 - 15 lbs. To go. - Mrs. Morse, you're thin. 266 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,699 - No, no, I'm not. - You are really. 267 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,135 No, no, no. 268 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:39,439 - Oh... - I can't even get my butt through this door. 269 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,342 - (RINGS) - Hello, the "I Hate My Body" Salon. 270 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,044 - May I help you? - (GIGGLES) 271 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,079 Hello? Hello? Hello? 272 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,248 - Oh, they're gone. - (LAUGHS) 273 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,150 (GASPS) 274 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,587 CONNIE: Mrs. Morse, are you okay? 275 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,589 The girl said it's the new look. 276 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,891 Straw hair and beige lipstick? 277 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:02,095 It's the new California look, right? 278 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,497 - Yeah, for dead Californians. - (GROANS) 279 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,634 Don't be sad, we can help you. 280 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,411 (GASPS) 281 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,647 (SIGHS) I love it. 282 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,382 (ALL LAUGH) 283 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,317 You're fired. 284 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,356 Now we don't have any money for rent. 285 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,058 This is so hard! 286 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,959 I miss Mikey and poor Frank is dead. 287 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,994 When they find us, we're dead too. 288 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,897 What are you doing? 289 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,332 - We need to get drunk. - What? 290 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,470 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 291 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,326 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 292 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,328 (CHEERING) 293 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,363 (WHISTLES) 294 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,569 - MAN: Shake it, girls. - (WOLF WHISTLES) 295 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,735 ♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪ ♪ shake your groove thing, ♪ 296 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:24,568 ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 297 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,115 ♪ Show 'em ♪ ♪ how to do it now ♪ 298 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,118 ♪ Shake your groove thing, ♪ ♪ shake your groove thing ♪ 299 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,120 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 300 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,422 ♪ Show 'em ♪ ♪ how to do it now ♪ 301 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:36,956 ♪ Show 'em how ♪ ♪ to do it now... ♪ 302 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,793 - They sound great. - They're lip-synching. 303 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:44,131 ♪ Bad enough ♪ ♪ to strut our stuff ♪ 304 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,700 ♪ The music gives us ♪ ♪ a chance... ♪ 305 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,103 - Mary? - Yes, Mary? 306 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,106 Did you hear, they're moving their act to Vegas. 307 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,542 - Wow. - This is it. 308 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,777 If we could do our act here, I could die happy. 309 00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,147 Can anyone audition? 310 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:03,350 Yes, I can. We're going to get the job. 311 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,052 Don't get your hopes up, sweetie, it's an audition. 312 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,987 We have to practice tomorrow. 313 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:12,159 Ooh, I know what we're going to wear... chickapow! 314 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,395 (CHEERING) 315 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,133 ♪ We've got the rhythm ♪ ♪ tonight! ♪ 316 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,569 (WHISPERS) 317 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,538 - Are you crazy? - Why not? 318 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,275 - Because we're women. - No one needs to know that. 319 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,343 No way, Connie, no way. 320 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,512 Ready? Smile. 321 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,263 Yeah? 322 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:55,735 (DEEPER VOICE) Mary, we heard you were looking for a new act. 323 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:59,272 That's right... Mr... Mary. 324 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:05,478 Doll, stop praying, you're looking at the second coming. 325 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:07,747 Sign in. 326 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,617 Go backstage, you're on last. 327 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:20,827 - God, I'm beautiful. - Where does he find that? 328 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,396 - Grab your tapes. - Here you go, girl. 329 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,732 - Tape, your tape. - Thank you. 330 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,066 Here, here, here, here. 331 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,801 - Go again, eh? - Thanks. 332 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,937 This isn't working. 333 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,541 All right, try this. 334 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:38,311 (DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you wearing, your prom dress? 335 00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:41,281 (DEEP VOICE) Girl, what you wearing your prom dress for? 336 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,083 (SNAPS) Better? 337 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,185 - Mm-hmm. - What about our voices? 338 00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:49,389 - Way too high to be guys. - See, this is going to lower the key. 339 00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:52,091 (TAPE SQUEAKS) 340 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,993 Don't forget to adjust on the harmony. 341 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,662 - Okay. - Okay. 342 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:58,431 Carla, come on, throw your shoulders back... have some attitude. 343 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,667 It hurts. These tight tops make us so flat. 344 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,471 Right, we look just like them, except they have these. 345 00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,106 There... 346 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,776 Al and Mikey were right, we are dreamers. 347 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,379 That audience is going to see straight through us. 348 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:16,148 - It could get ugly. - Carla, for one night we get to sing again. 349 00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:19,352 Come on, chins up, boobs out, it's show time. 350 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,889 - Shazaam. - (LAUGHS) 351 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,925 (RECORDING PLAYING) ♪ It's just a jump ♪ ♪ to the left ♪ 352 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:29,228 ♪ Then a step ♪ ♪ to the right ♪ 353 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,398 ♪ With your hands ♪ ♪ on your hips ♪ 354 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:34,567 ♪ You bring your knees ♪ ♪ in tight ♪ 355 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,270 ♪ But it's the pelvic thrust ♪ 356 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,839 ♪ That really ♪ ♪ drives you insane ♪ 357 00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:45,512 ♪ Let's do ♪ ♪ the Time Warp again. ♪ 358 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:53,953 MAN: That's awful. 359 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,755 (SPARSE CLAPPING) 360 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,824 BAR MANAGER: How about a big... 361 00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,560 hand for our very own 362 00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,329 Peaches N' Cream? 363 00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,431 That's enough hitting me with that duster. 364 00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,265 - I loved it. - You were better than me. 365 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:09,969 All right, our next act is in town from... Winnipeg. 366 00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:12,505 They're new, so be nice. 367 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,475 - You didn't tell him our real names? - I took care of it. 368 00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:18,745 Please welcome Al and Mikey. 369 00:21:30,857 --> 00:21:32,659 (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) 370 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:37,797 Oh... "Cabaret," original. 371 00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:41,368 Wait, it's Liza... again. 372 00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:44,871 - I can't do it. - Yes, you can. 373 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,439 No... 374 00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:54,847 (CROWD CHATTING) 375 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,921 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 376 00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:05,291 ♪ I'll be lucky ♪ 377 00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:07,994 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ ♪ he'll stay ♪ 378 00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:13,433 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 379 00:22:13,533 --> 00:22:16,936 ♪ For the first time ♪ 380 00:22:17,036 --> 00:22:19,506 ♪ Love won't hurry away... ♪ 381 00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:21,641 Is she singing? 382 00:22:21,741 --> 00:22:23,710 Yes, he is. 383 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:27,514 ♪ He will hold me fast ♪ 384 00:22:27,614 --> 00:22:34,153 ♪ I'll be home ♪ ♪ at last ♪ 385 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,557 ♪ Not a loser anymore ♪ 386 00:22:37,657 --> 00:22:39,859 ♪ Like the last time ♪ 387 00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:44,163 ♪ And the time before ♪ 388 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,999 ♪ Everybody ♪ 389 00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,902 ♪ Loves a winner ♪ 390 00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:54,040 ♪ So nobody loved me ♪ 391 00:22:55,508 --> 00:22:57,710 ♪ Lady Peaceful ♪ 392 00:22:57,810 --> 00:23:00,713 ♪ Lady Happy ♪ 393 00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:05,184 ♪ That's what ♪ ♪ I long to be ♪ 394 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,254 ♪ All the odds are ♪ 395 00:23:08,455 --> 00:23:10,723 ♪ In my favor ♪ 396 00:23:10,823 --> 00:23:16,295 ♪ Something's bound ♪ ♪ to begin ♪ 397 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,698 ♪ It's gotta happen ♪ 398 00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:21,333 ♪ Happen sometime ♪ 399 00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:24,036 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 400 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,839 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 401 00:23:26,939 --> 00:23:33,813 ♪ I'll win. ♪ 402 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,628 - Bravo. - (CHEERING) 403 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,064 Oh my God. 404 00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:54,200 - (GIGGLES) - Thank you. 405 00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:58,671 We're Connie... 406 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,041 And Carla. 407 00:24:04,677 --> 00:24:05,578 Hit it. 408 00:24:07,013 --> 00:24:08,648 (PIANO PLAYING) 409 00:24:08,748 --> 00:24:11,718 ♪ I'm just a girl ♪ ♪ who cain't say no ♪ 410 00:24:11,818 --> 00:24:14,754 ♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪ 411 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:18,357 ♪ I always say ♪ ♪ come on, let's go ♪ 412 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,026 ♪ Just when I oughta say... ♪ 413 00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:24,363 ♪ Don't cry for me, ♪ ♪ Argentina ♪ 414 00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:27,967 ♪ The truth is ♪ ♪ I never left you ♪ 415 00:24:28,067 --> 00:24:30,169 ♪ All through ♪ ♪ my wild days ♪ 416 00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:32,639 ♪ My mad existence ♪ 417 00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:34,874 ♪ I kept my promise ♪ 418 00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:36,743 ♪ Don't keep your distance ♪ 419 00:24:45,885 --> 00:24:48,087 ♪ Have I said ♪ ♪ too much? ♪ 420 00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:54,527 ♪ There's nothing more I can ♪ ♪ think of to say to you ♪ 421 00:24:54,627 --> 00:24:57,229 ♪ But all you have to do ♪ 422 00:24:57,329 --> 00:24:59,431 ♪ Is look at me to know ♪ 423 00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:01,300 ♪ That every word ♪ 424 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,871 ♪ Is true ♪ 425 00:25:04,971 --> 00:25:08,941 ALL: ♪ Don't cry for me, ♪ ♪ Argentina ♪ 426 00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:13,112 ♪ The truth is ♪ ♪ I never left you ♪ 427 00:25:13,212 --> 00:25:15,147 ♪ All through my wild days ♪ 428 00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:17,116 ♪ My mad existence ♪ 429 00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:19,418 ♪ I kept my promise ♪ 430 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,854 ♪ Don't keep your distance. ♪ 431 00:25:30,797 --> 00:25:32,264 (CHEERING) 432 00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:40,673 (CONNIE SQUEALING) 433 00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:42,541 - What just happened? - Oh my God. 434 00:25:42,642 --> 00:25:45,211 You guys, where the hell did you queens come from? 435 00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:46,846 The "Evita" stuff made me tingle. 436 00:25:46,946 --> 00:25:48,480 The "Evita" stuff made me tingle. 437 00:25:48,581 --> 00:25:50,182 Wednesdays and Sundays... 200 a week. 438 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,854 300 a week and 10% of the door. 439 00:25:54,954 --> 00:25:56,723 No way, okay, fine. 440 00:25:58,357 --> 00:26:00,292 Congratulations, you guys were fabulous. 441 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,228 - Thanks. - Thank you. 442 00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:04,230 Come on, Toto. 443 00:26:09,836 --> 00:26:13,205 Having trouble making ends meet... not the first time. 444 00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:14,941 May not be able to pay you that much. 445 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:18,678 - That's okay. - Yeah. 446 00:26:19,946 --> 00:26:21,814 See you tomorrow, Connie and Carla. 447 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,620 Ooooh... they all know our real names. 448 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,523 Who cares? We're in! Oh my God, we're in. 449 00:26:31,624 --> 00:26:33,259 Oh, Carla, we're in, we're in. 450 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,027 - Okay. - Okay. 451 00:26:35,127 --> 00:26:39,932 CHORUS: ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪ 452 00:26:40,032 --> 00:26:42,001 ♪ Mame ♪ 453 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:45,905 ♪ You charm the husk right ♪ ♪ off of the corn... ♪ 454 00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:48,174 - (PHONE RINGS) - ♪ Mame ♪ 455 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,710 - ♪ You've got the banjos strummin'... ♪ - Hello. 456 00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:53,079 RUDY: Tibor, what are you doing? Are they there? 457 00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:56,382 No, Rudy, they're not here. Hey, what about tracing the license plate? 458 00:26:56,482 --> 00:26:58,685 (MOCKS) What about tracing the license plate? 459 00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,319 If you had written it down, idiot! 460 00:27:00,419 --> 00:27:02,188 CARLA: ♪ You'll be lost ♪ 461 00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:06,092 ♪ You'll be so so sorry ♪ 462 00:27:06,192 --> 00:27:10,096 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ 463 00:27:10,196 --> 00:27:12,531 ♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪ 464 00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,801 ♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪ 465 00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:18,237 ♪ - Myrrh for your hot ♪ ♪ forehead - Oh ♪ 466 00:27:18,337 --> 00:27:21,440 ♪ Then you'll feel ♪ ♪ everything's all right ♪ 467 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,676 ♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪ 468 00:27:23,776 --> 00:27:27,013 ♪ Close your eyes, close ♪ ♪ your eyes and relax ♪ 469 00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:32,218 ♪ Because everything's fine. ♪ 470 00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:34,353 (CHEERING) 471 00:27:36,455 --> 00:27:38,257 - You've been great. - You've been real. 472 00:27:38,357 --> 00:27:40,326 - Thank you. - Thanks. 473 00:27:43,262 --> 00:27:44,396 You know... 474 00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:46,833 it's hard to meet a guy in this town, 475 00:27:46,933 --> 00:27:48,868 let alone in Nazareth. 476 00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:52,705 Hey, Carla, I feel sorry for Mary Magdalene. 477 00:27:52,805 --> 00:27:54,707 Oh, why is that, Connie? 478 00:27:54,807 --> 00:27:57,443 She finally decides to mend her ways, 479 00:27:57,543 --> 00:28:00,146 go on the straight path and she falls for this guy... 480 00:28:00,246 --> 00:28:02,348 33 years old, still living with his mother, 481 00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:05,718 who's never gonna accept a shiksa with a past for a daughter-in-law. 482 00:28:05,818 --> 00:28:08,220 (ALL LAUGH) 483 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,622 I love it. I can finally say what I think. 484 00:28:10,723 --> 00:28:12,825 I know. When we were doing the show in Chicago 485 00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:14,861 and you would say, you know, dirty stuff, 486 00:28:14,961 --> 00:28:16,462 I could feel the audience going, 487 00:28:16,562 --> 00:28:18,731 "Oh no, don't do that. Where's my dessert?" 488 00:28:18,831 --> 00:28:21,667 - But now, dressed like a guy... - We can say anything we want. 489 00:28:21,768 --> 00:28:24,737 ...but with LA men, the bulge in their pants is a cell phone. 490 00:28:24,837 --> 00:28:25,872 (ALL LAUGHING) 491 00:28:29,075 --> 00:28:32,879 All right, that's it. I have not seen you laugh once tonight. 492 00:28:32,979 --> 00:28:34,847 Can you not see how fabulous we are? 493 00:28:34,947 --> 00:28:37,316 I love the show. 494 00:28:37,416 --> 00:28:39,952 Mary, that is scary, your face doesn't move when you talk. 495 00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:42,088 Oh... botox. 496 00:28:43,189 --> 00:28:44,891 Cow poison? 497 00:28:44,991 --> 00:28:46,325 (GASPS) Oh, no. 498 00:28:46,425 --> 00:28:48,861 How many of you deaden your wrinkles with that crap? 499 00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:51,563 Hmm, 500 00:28:51,798 --> 00:28:52,965 four, huh? 501 00:28:55,367 --> 00:28:58,304 - Five. - Oh, come on, be honest. 502 00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:00,873 (LAUGHING) 503 00:29:00,973 --> 00:29:02,174 CONNIE: Yeah, mmm-hmm. 504 00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:05,044 Boys and girls, God put us on this earth to have a laugh, 505 00:29:05,144 --> 00:29:06,645 hence the term "laugh lines." 506 00:29:06,879 --> 00:29:08,380 (DEEP LAUGH) 507 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,850 That's what it looks like. Do yourselves a favor, 508 00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:13,352 let your eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle. 509 00:29:13,452 --> 00:29:15,154 Our lines show that we've lived. 510 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:18,424 If he doesn't love you when you look like a map, tell him to hit the road. 511 00:29:18,524 --> 00:29:20,026 (CHEERING) 512 00:29:23,062 --> 00:29:24,897 Wow, good one. 513 00:29:24,997 --> 00:29:26,799 What you got there, Carla? 514 00:29:26,899 --> 00:29:28,667 Well, Connie, I do believe 515 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,670 it's time for "South Pacific" sing-along! 516 00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:34,240 (CHEERING) 517 00:29:34,340 --> 00:29:37,676 There you go, get it around your neck. 518 00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,611 Come on people, get 'em on. 519 00:29:39,812 --> 00:29:41,147 There you go. 520 00:29:41,247 --> 00:29:44,216 - They're so much fun. - I wish I had the nerve to sing live. 521 00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:46,152 I wish I had the nerve to be that good. 522 00:29:46,252 --> 00:29:48,454 - We are such idiots. - Don't be mean to us, 523 00:29:48,554 --> 00:29:50,489 just because you look fat in white. 524 00:29:50,589 --> 00:29:52,424 I do... Look at how busy we're getting. 525 00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:54,360 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 526 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:58,130 - No more Spandex? - No, sweetie. 527 00:29:58,230 --> 00:30:00,399 Well then, what honey? 528 00:30:00,499 --> 00:30:03,235 If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. 529 00:30:03,335 --> 00:30:05,137 - Who's getting licked? - (CHUCKLES) 530 00:30:05,237 --> 00:30:07,173 - (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHEERING) 531 00:30:13,279 --> 00:30:15,982 ♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪ 532 00:30:16,082 --> 00:30:19,285 ♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪ 533 00:30:19,385 --> 00:30:22,454 ♪ I'm gonna wash that man ♪ ♪ right outta my hair ♪ 534 00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:25,009 ♪ And send him ♪ ♪ on his way ♪ 535 00:30:25,034 --> 00:30:26,116 (CHEERING) 536 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:29,728 ♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪ 537 00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:32,198 ♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪ 538 00:30:32,298 --> 00:30:35,034 ♪ I'm gonna wave that man ♪ ♪ right outta my arms ♪ 539 00:30:35,134 --> 00:30:38,470 ♪ And send him on his way. ♪ 540 00:30:42,274 --> 00:30:44,343 We are geniuses. 541 00:30:50,616 --> 00:30:52,518 Do you know where the scissors are? 542 00:30:52,618 --> 00:30:55,021 I think they're in the kitchen in the third drawer. 543 00:30:55,121 --> 00:30:57,556 - Okay. - (KNOCKS) 544 00:30:57,656 --> 00:30:59,091 I spy your little eye. 545 00:31:00,626 --> 00:31:02,561 It's the bartender from downstairs. 546 00:31:02,661 --> 00:31:06,598 - Hello? I can hear you. - CONNIE: Give me that. Put it on. 547 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,800 What's going on in there, you can't say hi? 548 00:31:08,901 --> 00:31:11,070 CONNIE: The guacamole. 549 00:31:11,170 --> 00:31:13,205 I can't hear them. Should we go? 550 00:31:14,873 --> 00:31:17,376 - How're you doing? - What's going on? 551 00:31:17,476 --> 00:31:19,711 - Welcome wagon. - We live on the top floor. 552 00:31:19,912 --> 00:31:22,548 - Hi. - Hey. 553 00:31:22,648 --> 00:31:26,218 Oh... dear, girlfriends need a decorator. 554 00:31:32,925 --> 00:31:35,327 - Hi, I'm Paul. - I'm Brian. My stage name's "Patty Melt." 555 00:31:36,762 --> 00:31:40,066 By day, I'm Robert. This is my roommate, Lee. 556 00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:43,235 By night, we're a duo act Peaches N' Cream. 557 00:31:43,335 --> 00:31:45,237 - I hate our name. - I think it's beautiful. 558 00:31:45,337 --> 00:31:48,074 That's because you're the Peaches part, I'm N' Cream. 559 00:31:48,174 --> 00:31:52,211 My name is N' Cream. What does it even mean? 560 00:31:55,314 --> 00:31:57,816 - CARLA: That's really nice. - Fabulous. 561 00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,419 Come, come on, come on, join us. 562 00:32:06,192 --> 00:32:08,194 All queens rise. 563 00:32:13,165 --> 00:32:15,467 O blessed Saint Mary of Drag Queens, 564 00:32:15,567 --> 00:32:17,836 please grant your never humble servants 565 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,072 and our new friends with grace, 566 00:32:20,172 --> 00:32:22,108 jewels and support hose. 567 00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:24,843 - ALL: Gay-men. - Gay-men. 568 00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,845 And bless me with a new name. 569 00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:28,847 - Hello? - I don't even have a drag name. 570 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,316 - Why not? - What's up with that? 571 00:32:30,416 --> 00:32:32,851 I'm new, so I can't name myself. 572 00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:35,554 - You want N' Cream? - No, thanks. 573 00:32:35,654 --> 00:32:37,123 - Rosemary Chicken. - Eh. 574 00:32:37,223 --> 00:32:39,058 - Mary Queen of Shots? - Uh-uh. 575 00:32:39,158 --> 00:32:41,393 - Estée Louder Harder Faster? - What? 576 00:32:41,493 --> 00:32:44,896 - Ooh, can I borrow this? - Hey, hey, what time is it? 577 00:32:44,997 --> 00:32:48,134 - 5:00-ish? - The show. 578 00:32:48,234 --> 00:32:50,269 We have to shave... everything. 579 00:32:50,369 --> 00:32:52,071 You're lucky to be paid to perform. 580 00:32:52,171 --> 00:32:53,472 - Sorry? - Excuse me? 581 00:32:53,572 --> 00:32:55,674 - What? - ALL: Perform. 582 00:32:55,774 --> 00:32:58,544 There are very few paying drag gigs in this town. 583 00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:01,347 I have to bartend at the Handlebar, and it's beneath me. 584 00:33:01,447 --> 00:33:03,282 So, here it is. 585 00:33:03,382 --> 00:33:06,718 Have you ever thought about adding a few fabulous friends to your show? 586 00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:09,388 If you need choreography, I know fabulous dance steps. 587 00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:12,024 - I'm great with wigs. - I can sew a dress in three hours. 588 00:33:12,124 --> 00:33:13,159 I'll lend you my jewels. 589 00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:17,729 Call us. We could use the buck. 590 00:33:19,398 --> 00:33:21,700 - We'll give it some thought. - Great. 591 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,071 Excellent. Come on, you guys, let's go clean our apartment. 592 00:33:25,171 --> 00:33:27,005 - For your brother? - You invited him over? 593 00:33:27,106 --> 00:33:28,307 - Are you drunk? - A little. 594 00:33:28,407 --> 00:33:30,209 Robert left home when was just 16. 595 00:33:30,309 --> 00:33:33,079 - ROBERT: Brian! - I'm glad I don't have a straight brother. 596 00:33:33,179 --> 00:33:36,115 Now, now, we mustn't be prejudiced, straights are people too. 597 00:33:41,753 --> 00:33:43,489 Come on. 598 00:33:46,725 --> 00:33:49,461 Look at all the people, Carla. 599 00:33:51,163 --> 00:33:53,199 - (DOOR SLAMS) - (BOTH SCREAM) 600 00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:03,942 ♪ Don't tell me not to live, ♪ ♪ just sit and putter ♪ 601 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:06,745 ♪ Life's candy ♪ ♪ and the sun's a ball of butter ♪ 602 00:34:06,845 --> 00:34:11,950 ♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪ ♪ to rain on my parade ♪ 603 00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:15,087 ♪ Don't tell me not to fly, ♪ ♪ I've simply got to ♪ 604 00:34:15,187 --> 00:34:17,823 ♪ If someone takes a spill ♪ ♪ it's me and not you ♪ 605 00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:23,095 ♪ Who told you you're allowed ♪ ♪ to rain on my parade? ♪ 606 00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:26,332 ♪ I'm gonna live ♪ ♪ and live now ♪ 607 00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:29,535 ♪ Get what I want, ♪ ♪ I know how ♪ 608 00:34:29,635 --> 00:34:32,804 ♪ One roll ♪ ♪ for the whole shebang ♪ 609 00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:35,241 ♪ One throw, that bell ♪ ♪ will go clang ♪ 610 00:34:35,341 --> 00:34:38,510 ♪ Eye on the target ♪ ♪ and wham ♪ 611 00:34:38,610 --> 00:34:41,780 ♪ One shot, one gunshot ♪ ♪ and bam! ♪ 612 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:46,385 ♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein ♪ 613 00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:53,359 ♪ - Here I am! ♪ - (CHEERING) ♪ 614 00:34:53,459 --> 00:34:59,398 ♪ I'll march my band out ♪ 615 00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:03,835 ♪ I'll beat my drum ♪ 616 00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:07,473 ♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪ 617 00:35:07,573 --> 00:35:10,276 ♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪ 618 00:35:10,376 --> 00:35:14,146 ♪ - At least I didn't fake it - ♪ ♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪ 619 00:35:14,246 --> 00:35:16,748 ♪ Get ready for me, love, ♪ ♪ 'cause I'm a comer ♪ 620 00:35:16,848 --> 00:35:19,551 ♪ I've simply got to march, ♪ ♪ my heart's a drummer ♪ 621 00:35:19,651 --> 00:35:22,554 ♪ Nobody, no, nobody ♪ 622 00:35:22,654 --> 00:35:25,357 ♪ Is gonna ♪ 623 00:35:25,457 --> 00:35:28,294 ♪ Rain on my ♪ 624 00:35:28,394 --> 00:35:33,832 ♪ - Parade... ♪ ♪ - (CHEERING) ♪ 625 00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:46,612 CONNIE: Oh, shush. 626 00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:49,348 Oh, all right. 627 00:35:50,716 --> 00:35:52,551 Enough already. 628 00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:55,287 Yeah, that's right. Yeah. 629 00:36:05,564 --> 00:36:08,867 - That looks great. - I'm glamorizing our new look a bit. 630 00:36:08,967 --> 00:36:11,337 I mean, under the lights, these could be great, 631 00:36:11,437 --> 00:36:13,138 especially on turns. 632 00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,474 - (BEADS CLATTERING) - Woo, these could be dangerous. 633 00:36:15,574 --> 00:36:16,908 (LAUGHS) Yeah. 634 00:36:18,744 --> 00:36:21,179 - Aw. - What? 635 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,283 It's just, it's great to see you happy. 636 00:36:24,383 --> 00:36:26,718 Come on, admit it, you do love the show. 637 00:36:26,818 --> 00:36:29,355 Yeah, it's a drag, pun intended. 638 00:36:29,455 --> 00:36:31,390 Hey, my plan worked. 639 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,627 Yeah, I'm worried about how well known we're getting. 640 00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:38,096 - Only in West Hollywood. - And I miss... 641 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:39,731 - Don't say Mikey. - Boys. 642 00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:41,633 I miss boys who like to kiss girls. 643 00:36:41,733 --> 00:36:44,470 Forget it, okay? Because we have no time for losers 644 00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,838 and we can't blow our cover. 645 00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,243 Are you there? I lost you. 646 00:36:51,343 --> 00:36:53,412 Now I hear ya. Now I lost you. 647 00:36:54,580 --> 00:36:56,982 Robert, are you all right? 648 00:36:57,082 --> 00:36:59,285 Sure, I'm just going to go meet my brother 649 00:36:59,385 --> 00:37:00,919 for the first time in 106 years. 650 00:37:01,019 --> 00:37:03,422 - Did you have a fight? - ROBERT: No. 651 00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:09,395 Look, I haven't had any contact with my family 652 00:37:09,495 --> 00:37:12,030 in a long time... 653 00:37:12,264 --> 00:37:14,300 My choice. 654 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:17,336 Six months ago, I get a little sentimental watching TV... 655 00:37:17,436 --> 00:37:19,137 Hallmark commercials. 656 00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:22,441 So I send my grandma a birthday card 657 00:37:22,541 --> 00:37:24,843 with my return address label on it. 658 00:37:26,278 --> 00:37:28,347 So then my brother starts coming around, 659 00:37:28,447 --> 00:37:31,517 starts leaving me messages, "Hey, let's be brothers again." 660 00:37:31,617 --> 00:37:33,952 - You don't want a brother? - (SIGHS) 661 00:37:34,052 --> 00:37:36,288 He's just gonna hate me. 662 00:37:37,389 --> 00:37:38,390 No, he won't. 663 00:37:43,662 --> 00:37:46,398 Does he know you dress with style? 664 00:37:46,498 --> 00:37:48,534 Yeah, I told him on the phone. 665 00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:52,538 I figured I'd go without the ball gown, 666 00:37:52,638 --> 00:37:54,573 just to ease him into things. 667 00:37:58,410 --> 00:37:59,778 Let me see. 668 00:38:02,481 --> 00:38:05,884 There you go. Blue is your best color. 669 00:38:05,984 --> 00:38:07,819 Thanks, sweetie. 670 00:39:14,986 --> 00:39:17,055 Well, this was a mistake. 671 00:39:26,131 --> 00:39:27,999 (GROANS) 672 00:39:28,099 --> 00:39:33,271 ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪ 673 00:39:33,505 --> 00:39:35,040 ♪ Mame ♪ 674 00:39:35,140 --> 00:39:39,511 ♪ You charm the husk ♪ ♪ right off of the corn ♪ 675 00:39:39,611 --> 00:39:42,113 - ♪ Mame... ♪ - Hello, Rudy, it's Tibor. 676 00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:46,418 - What do you got? - I'm in St. Louis. They're not here. 677 00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:50,088 Hey, I'm down a kilo and I'm up two witnesses! 678 00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:54,292 - Find them! - ♪ ...Since you brought Dixie back to Dixieland ♪ 679 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,896 ♪ You make the cotton ♪ ♪ easy to pick... ♪ 680 00:40:04,703 --> 00:40:06,872 - Oh, for God sake, what? - What? 681 00:40:06,972 --> 00:40:09,374 What are you doing? Following me? 682 00:40:09,475 --> 00:40:12,077 - Watching every move I make? - I'm not watching you. 683 00:40:12,177 --> 00:40:14,680 I just thought it would be fun to hang out. 684 00:40:14,780 --> 00:40:16,214 - Why? - Why not? 685 00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:17,583 - Why? - Why not? 686 00:40:17,683 --> 00:40:18,917 - Grow up. - You grow up. 687 00:40:19,017 --> 00:40:20,118 - You grow up. - Make me. 688 00:40:26,291 --> 00:40:28,794 At least do some shopping yourself. 689 00:40:30,962 --> 00:40:32,498 Please. 690 00:40:33,865 --> 00:40:36,201 - Mom likes irises too. - Save it for Dr. Phil. 691 00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:38,069 Okay. 692 00:40:38,169 --> 00:40:39,938 - Hi, Mrs. Phillips. - Hi, Mrs. Phillips. 693 00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:41,439 Hello. 694 00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,842 I thought it'd be nice to spend a beautiful Saturday... 695 00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:46,177 Why this sudden interest in my after all this time? 696 00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:50,549 For a long time, I couldn't find you, remember? 697 00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:54,886 And I think I'm gonna marry someone. 698 00:40:54,986 --> 00:40:57,789 And if that's gonna happen, I want you to be there. 699 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:02,728 Oh... 700 00:41:08,767 --> 00:41:11,469 Come on, I need cheese. 701 00:41:13,238 --> 00:41:15,073 - Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah. 702 00:41:15,173 --> 00:41:17,976 - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh. 703 00:41:18,076 --> 00:41:21,079 - That's my girlfriend. - Take it, I'll see if they're home. 704 00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:23,815 (KNOCKS) 705 00:41:23,915 --> 00:41:26,117 ROBERT: Bonjour, my filles... 706 00:41:27,519 --> 00:41:29,487 c'est moi. 707 00:41:29,588 --> 00:41:31,790 - Hello. - Sorry, sorry. 708 00:41:31,890 --> 00:41:33,559 Ouvre la porte. 709 00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,227 - Here, your hair. - I got it. 710 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,863 - Get your robe. - Take it with you. 711 00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:39,998 - Get a robe, get a robe. - Here it is, take that. 712 00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:41,833 I hear running. 713 00:41:44,970 --> 00:41:47,072 - How're you doing? - What's going on? 714 00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:50,609 Wow, good look. (CHUCKLES) 715 00:41:51,877 --> 00:41:54,112 So how's it going with your brother? 716 00:41:54,212 --> 00:41:56,514 Jeff! 717 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:00,552 I'll call you later. 718 00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:15,133 Jeff, these are my girlfriends, the "Connie and Carla." 719 00:42:15,233 --> 00:42:18,203 Hi, Jeff, welcome to the dollhouse. Want me to condition your hair? 720 00:42:18,303 --> 00:42:21,206 No, I ran a cream rinse through it this morning, so I'm good. 721 00:42:21,306 --> 00:42:23,809 So, I'll take a rain check. 722 00:42:23,909 --> 00:42:24,810 (SNAPS) 723 00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:27,078 You all work at the Handlebar too? 724 00:42:27,178 --> 00:42:29,014 - Oh, yeah, we all work there. - Work? 725 00:42:29,114 --> 00:42:32,217 Jeff, these broads have transformed that dive into a legit cabaret. 726 00:42:32,317 --> 00:42:34,052 I wish I was in that show. 727 00:42:34,152 --> 00:42:35,587 - Hint. - All right. 728 00:42:35,687 --> 00:42:36,722 - Hint. - We heard you. 729 00:42:36,822 --> 00:42:38,590 - Hint. - Back off. 730 00:42:38,690 --> 00:42:40,458 All right, get out of my way. 731 00:42:40,659 --> 00:42:42,160 Let's get out of here. 732 00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:44,562 Oh, hello. 733 00:42:44,663 --> 00:42:47,633 - Hi, I'm Brian, this is Paul and Lee. - I'm Robert's best friend. 734 00:42:47,733 --> 00:42:49,200 - His what? - Best friend. 735 00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:51,569 - He's also my roommate. - Come see my apartment. 736 00:42:51,670 --> 00:42:53,739 - No, ours. - Down, girls, down. 737 00:42:53,839 --> 00:42:55,874 Are you hungry? You like fish sticks? 738 00:42:55,974 --> 00:42:58,543 I make them Filipino style. They taste just like chicken. 739 00:42:58,644 --> 00:43:00,145 - (SIGHS) - Oh my God. 740 00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:02,580 Oh, I like him. 741 00:43:02,681 --> 00:43:04,883 I saw him before when were still girls. 742 00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:07,485 He was standing out front. We had this moment, Carla. 743 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:11,757 - He was nice to me. - What are you talking about? 744 00:43:11,857 --> 00:43:15,293 Right. Why would he ever be attracted to me? 745 00:43:15,393 --> 00:43:17,062 - I'm a drag queen. - No... 746 00:43:17,162 --> 00:43:20,799 - you can't blow our cover for some guy. - Oh, yeah, I know. 747 00:43:20,899 --> 00:43:23,001 I know. 748 00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,803 I know. (GROANS) 749 00:43:32,778 --> 00:43:34,813 - Thanks. - Have a good show tonight. 750 00:43:34,913 --> 00:43:37,515 Stanley, we want to add some friends to the act. 751 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:40,385 You got to get a food license and expand this place. 752 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:44,255 Here's my plan. We're adding more leg, you got to add legroom. 753 00:43:44,355 --> 00:43:46,524 What would that cost? 754 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:47,959 I'll add up some figures. 755 00:43:48,059 --> 00:43:50,161 Excuse me, I'll be back. 756 00:43:51,362 --> 00:43:53,131 - What are you doing? - What? 757 00:43:53,231 --> 00:43:56,067 This show is our destiny waiting to happen... dinner theater. 758 00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:58,303 We can't expand. We'll get even more well known 759 00:43:58,403 --> 00:44:00,638 and word will travel straight to those killers. 760 00:44:00,739 --> 00:44:03,008 - They're not looking for drag queens. - How do you know? 761 00:44:03,108 --> 00:44:05,043 They're serious, they have connections. 762 00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,813 They haven't found us. They're not connected to this world. 763 00:44:07,913 --> 00:44:10,281 - We're safe, we're drag queens. - You're a freak. 764 00:44:10,381 --> 00:44:12,250 Yeah, and you're a freak with me. 765 00:44:12,350 --> 00:44:16,788 ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪ 766 00:44:16,888 --> 00:44:19,290 ♪ Mame... ♪ 767 00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:22,093 TIBOR: No, no, yes, no, no, Rudy, I'm telling you, 768 00:44:22,193 --> 00:44:25,330 I have seen almost everything on Broadway. They're not in it. 769 00:44:25,430 --> 00:44:28,734 I saw "Gypsy" last night. They're not there. 770 00:44:28,834 --> 00:44:30,401 I saw "Rent," 771 00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:32,804 which was surprising to be so poignant, 772 00:44:32,904 --> 00:44:35,573 with a narrative added to by emotional performances 773 00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:37,675 which bring the audiences into the story. 774 00:44:37,776 --> 00:44:40,846 Intimate story? Intimate story, I got an intimate story. 775 00:44:40,946 --> 00:44:44,515 - I'm gonna kill you if you don't... - Okay, okay, okay. 776 00:44:44,716 --> 00:44:46,284 I have good news. 777 00:44:46,384 --> 00:44:50,321 I got a ticket to the matinee of "Hairspray." 778 00:44:50,421 --> 00:44:51,923 Hello? 779 00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:54,860 LEE: Five, six, seven, eight. 780 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:57,662 And knee up and hands at your side. Chickapow. 781 00:44:57,763 --> 00:44:59,630 Charleston, Charleston. 782 00:44:59,831 --> 00:45:01,632 Downstage, do-si-do. 783 00:45:01,833 --> 00:45:02,868 - Let it... - Ow. 784 00:45:02,968 --> 00:45:04,803 - ROBERT: Carla! - What? He pushed me. 785 00:45:04,903 --> 00:45:06,738 - I am a trained dancer. - Yeah, right. 786 00:45:06,838 --> 00:45:09,674 Connie, Carla, move more like this. Hide all your masculinity. 787 00:45:09,775 --> 00:45:12,811 - Chickapow. - No one fall on me this time, I'm delicate. 788 00:45:12,911 --> 00:45:15,313 - All right, Crystal Decanter. - That's not my name. 789 00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:17,282 - How about Patty, like me, Patty Cake? - No. 790 00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:18,984 - Patty O'Furniture. - No. 791 00:45:19,084 --> 00:45:20,752 - Patty Pooper. - No. 792 00:45:20,852 --> 00:45:23,889 - (CHUCKLES) - Great, can we all please dance now? 793 00:45:23,989 --> 00:45:26,391 What's this? Why do you wear a bra during the day? 794 00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:32,263 Well, if you must know, 795 00:45:32,363 --> 00:45:34,265 being in drag helps us practice our moves. 796 00:45:37,102 --> 00:45:39,270 Good falsies. What do you use? 797 00:45:39,370 --> 00:45:40,972 None of your beeswax. 798 00:45:46,878 --> 00:45:49,881 They're really good. You should all have a feel. 799 00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,789 - Supple. Good. - ROBERT: Oh, they are good. 800 00:45:57,889 --> 00:46:00,325 Hmm. 801 00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,160 - BRIAN: Back to work. - Okay then. 802 00:46:06,531 --> 00:46:08,800 Whoa, whoa, whoa! No way! Put it back. 803 00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:11,436 No. Whoa, I don't have this kind of money. 804 00:46:11,536 --> 00:46:13,204 Stanley, here's my plan. 805 00:46:13,304 --> 00:46:14,973 You only have to do 80% capacity, 806 00:46:15,073 --> 00:46:17,108 you'll make it back within three months. 807 00:46:17,208 --> 00:46:19,344 All you gotta to pay out now is the construction. 808 00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:20,778 I got it all under control. 809 00:46:20,879 --> 00:46:23,448 Sir? Hi, we've talked about this. 810 00:46:23,548 --> 00:46:26,584 Yeah, the tables have to be this high, right? Right. 811 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:28,686 Why? Stanley, look at me. 812 00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:31,022 I'm eating my surf-n-turf. Watching a terrific show. 813 00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:33,925 Eating, watching. Dinner, theater. See, dinner theater? 814 00:46:34,025 --> 00:46:35,961 Where do you think the TV dinner came from? 815 00:46:36,061 --> 00:46:39,064 - Right, Carla? - Uh, yeah. This high. 816 00:46:40,932 --> 00:46:43,701 Stanley? Come on. 817 00:46:43,935 --> 00:46:46,137 ALL: Stanley? 818 00:46:46,237 --> 00:46:48,940 ALL: Stanley. 819 00:46:50,608 --> 00:46:52,978 - I'll get a loan from my mother. - (CHEERS) 820 00:46:53,078 --> 00:46:55,580 (WHISTLES, CHEERING) 821 00:47:00,852 --> 00:47:04,422 ♪ Life is a cabaret, ♪ ♪ ol' chum ♪ 822 00:47:04,522 --> 00:47:08,059 ♪ Only a cabaret, ♪ ♪ ol' chum ♪ 823 00:47:08,159 --> 00:47:09,594 ♪ So come to ♪ 824 00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:16,167 ♪ The cabaret. ♪ 825 00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,372 (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) 826 00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:28,213 - BOTH: Whoa! - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 827 00:47:28,313 --> 00:47:30,982 - I should watch where I'm going. - That's okay, doll. 828 00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,687 I'm Connie. I met you. 829 00:47:36,922 --> 00:47:38,789 Oh, yeah. 830 00:47:38,890 --> 00:47:40,725 I'm here to take Robert out for lunch. 831 00:47:40,959 --> 00:47:42,393 Just... you know. 832 00:47:42,493 --> 00:47:44,395 That's nice. 833 00:47:46,464 --> 00:47:48,266 Well, he's my brother. 834 00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:51,436 So... taking him out... taking him out to lunch. 835 00:47:53,071 --> 00:47:55,640 - Well, you're nice. - You're nice, too. 836 00:47:58,977 --> 00:48:01,612 I mean, uh... you know... 837 00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:04,015 Hello! I'll be right down. 838 00:48:06,417 --> 00:48:09,154 - What? - (SOFTLY) Aiyiyi. 839 00:48:09,254 --> 00:48:13,258 I have to go to the show after lunch, so I dressed. 840 00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,226 Is there a problem? 841 00:48:15,326 --> 00:48:16,594 Jeff? 842 00:48:18,964 --> 00:48:23,068 - You want to cancel? - No! No, no, no. 843 00:48:23,168 --> 00:48:25,603 - I'll be right down. - Oh, boy. 844 00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,907 Take him to the Tube around the corner. 845 00:48:30,008 --> 00:48:32,810 The owner's one of us. People won't stare as much. 846 00:48:33,011 --> 00:48:35,680 - Thank you. - Sure. 847 00:48:37,182 --> 00:48:38,483 You like my garbage? 848 00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:41,286 Um... a little bit. 849 00:48:41,386 --> 00:48:43,321 Anything good in there? 850 00:48:46,958 --> 00:48:47,959 Hey, sweetie. 851 00:48:49,727 --> 00:48:51,596 - Robert. - Nails. 852 00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,932 Nails. 853 00:48:59,370 --> 00:49:02,507 ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪ 854 00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:05,110 ♪ Mame ♪ 855 00:49:05,210 --> 00:49:09,580 - ♪ You charm the husk right off of the corn ♪ - (PHONE RINGS) 856 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,216 - ♪ Mame ♪ - RUDY: Tibor! 857 00:49:11,316 --> 00:49:13,151 - Mama's pizza. - Knock it off. 858 00:49:13,251 --> 00:49:16,121 - You're telling me you found them, right? - No, not yet. 859 00:49:16,221 --> 00:49:19,290 - Come on. - Maybe you put someone at Mexico border 860 00:49:19,390 --> 00:49:21,526 - to search for their car? - That's a great idea. 861 00:49:21,626 --> 00:49:24,729 I'll put somebody at the Canadian border and we can put... 862 00:49:24,829 --> 00:49:28,733 (SINGING ALONG) ♪ You make the cotton easy to pick ♪ 863 00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:31,236 ♪ Mame ♪ 864 00:49:31,336 --> 00:49:35,540 ♪ You give my old ♪ ♪ mint julep a kick ♪ 865 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,508 ♪ Mame ♪ 866 00:49:37,608 --> 00:49:44,249 ♪ You make the old magnolia tree blossom ♪ ♪ with the mention of your name ♪ 867 00:49:44,349 --> 00:49:47,352 ♪ You make me ♪ ♪ feel alive again ♪ 868 00:49:47,452 --> 00:49:50,655 ♪ You given me ♪ ♪ the drive again ♪ 869 00:49:50,755 --> 00:49:53,591 ♪ To make the South ♪ ♪ alive again ♪ 870 00:49:53,691 --> 00:49:56,594 ♪ Mame. ♪ 871 00:50:13,811 --> 00:50:16,214 - (GRUNTS) - Whoa, Nelly. 872 00:50:16,314 --> 00:50:18,116 - You okay? - Yeah, are you okay? 873 00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:19,684 Yeah, padding. 874 00:50:19,784 --> 00:50:22,320 - Oh. - Yeah. 875 00:50:22,420 --> 00:50:23,921 Robert's out having a manicure. 876 00:50:24,122 --> 00:50:25,623 - Oh. - Mm-hmm. 877 00:50:25,723 --> 00:50:28,126 - Here, here. - Oh. 878 00:50:28,226 --> 00:50:30,628 - Want to come over? - What? 879 00:50:30,728 --> 00:50:34,065 No, no, no, I have something... 880 00:50:34,165 --> 00:50:35,533 I have some... I have a... 881 00:50:35,633 --> 00:50:38,636 I got a prior commitment. 882 00:50:38,736 --> 00:50:40,838 No problem. 883 00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:43,441 (SIGHS) 884 00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:45,243 Um... 885 00:50:45,343 --> 00:50:49,447 you know, the other day when I said that you were nice? 886 00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:51,849 I meant it, you are very nice. 887 00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:54,385 I just meant it in a... 888 00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,156 a friendly way. 889 00:50:58,256 --> 00:51:00,958 I'm not gay. 890 00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:04,329 - Neither am I. - What? 891 00:51:04,429 --> 00:51:07,398 Nothing, it's complicated. 892 00:51:08,533 --> 00:51:10,168 - I bet. - Mm-hmm. 893 00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:13,771 - All right, all right. - Okay, good. 894 00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:15,840 - All right, okay. - See ya. 895 00:51:17,342 --> 00:51:19,510 Hey, do straight guys drink coffee? 896 00:51:30,321 --> 00:51:33,691 - What do you do for a living? - How long you been a drag queen? 897 00:51:33,791 --> 00:51:36,161 - Sorry. - I'm sorry, I just... 898 00:51:36,261 --> 00:51:37,795 I've never... 899 00:51:37,895 --> 00:51:41,699 known a cross-dressing person before. 900 00:51:41,799 --> 00:51:45,170 - You know your brother. - Oh yeah... no... 901 00:51:45,270 --> 00:51:47,772 - it's been a long time. - Yeah, it's hard. 902 00:51:47,872 --> 00:51:50,007 It's hard, but I'm a bit of an optimist. 903 00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:52,410 - Me too. - I'm stubborn. I don't give up. 904 00:51:54,279 --> 00:51:57,382 I wasn't always in a successful show. 905 00:51:57,482 --> 00:52:00,685 And I had this friend, 906 00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:03,588 he told me to give up. 907 00:52:03,688 --> 00:52:05,423 He called me a dreamer. 908 00:52:06,891 --> 00:52:10,561 - That's not very nice. - Yeah. 909 00:52:10,661 --> 00:52:12,530 Well... 910 00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:18,803 (HUMMING) 911 00:52:23,208 --> 00:52:25,343 - I got to go. - Okay. 912 00:52:25,443 --> 00:52:27,178 I just want to know why you do it. 913 00:52:27,278 --> 00:52:30,548 Why you like to dress up, you guys. 914 00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:33,984 - Oh... - I'm sorry, that's personal. 915 00:52:34,185 --> 00:52:36,153 No, that's okay. 916 00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:39,257 It's kinda like this... 917 00:52:39,357 --> 00:52:43,294 It's like dressing how you feel inside. 918 00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:46,163 You know? You know what, Jeff? 919 00:52:46,264 --> 00:52:48,766 I haven't known your brother for very long, but I think... 920 00:52:48,866 --> 00:52:51,469 I mean, I think he's happy. 921 00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:54,572 We've only got one life. 922 00:52:54,672 --> 00:52:57,675 It's just strange that my brother's out getting a manicure. 923 00:52:57,775 --> 00:53:00,578 - What, haven't you ever had one? - Oh God, no. 924 00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:02,680 You live in LA. Everybody gets their... 925 00:53:02,780 --> 00:53:06,150 - backs waxed, and things plucked... - I don't pluck. 926 00:53:06,251 --> 00:53:08,686 I-I never... I've never been plucked... 927 00:53:08,786 --> 00:53:10,488 And I don't do manicures. 928 00:53:10,588 --> 00:53:12,523 - CONNIE: Relax your hand. - I'm relaxed. 929 00:53:12,623 --> 00:53:14,459 Wait, look at it, it's like a claw. 930 00:53:14,559 --> 00:53:15,793 Okay, I'm relaxed. 931 00:53:15,893 --> 00:53:18,062 - Open. - No polish, though. 932 00:53:18,329 --> 00:53:20,565 Deal. 933 00:53:24,935 --> 00:53:26,504 And? 934 00:53:26,604 --> 00:53:28,205 Nothing. 935 00:53:28,306 --> 00:53:29,774 Oh come on, spill it. 936 00:53:31,342 --> 00:53:33,244 Only because we're talking guy to guy. 937 00:53:33,344 --> 00:53:36,247 - Right. - I've been seeing this woman. 938 00:53:36,347 --> 00:53:39,484 - You got a girlfriend. - I'm going to propose. 939 00:53:39,584 --> 00:53:42,987 We're at that stage where I should make a commitment, but... 940 00:53:43,087 --> 00:53:45,523 I'm not really sure if we're right for one another. 941 00:53:45,623 --> 00:53:47,258 She doesn't make me laugh. 942 00:53:47,358 --> 00:53:50,728 You got to get out. You gotta pull the cord on that mission. Abort! 943 00:53:50,828 --> 00:53:54,265 That could be me being afraid to take it to the next level. 944 00:53:54,365 --> 00:53:58,403 I had this girlfriend once who told me I had issues about getting too close. 945 00:54:00,971 --> 00:54:02,507 I stopped talking to her. 946 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,812 Have you told your girlfriend about Robert? 947 00:54:07,912 --> 00:54:09,647 No. 948 00:54:09,747 --> 00:54:11,549 - But you're going to? - Oh yeah. 949 00:54:14,018 --> 00:54:15,520 No. 950 00:54:16,621 --> 00:54:17,522 Maybe. 951 00:54:20,925 --> 00:54:23,361 No. 952 00:54:25,496 --> 00:54:28,165 I've really got to go now. This was fun. 953 00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:31,402 I've never missed a day of work. I work all the time. 954 00:54:31,502 --> 00:54:33,871 - Oh yeah. - But it's nice just to hang out. 955 00:54:33,971 --> 00:54:35,506 Thanks for the manicure. 956 00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:38,343 - Don't tell anybody. - Okay. 957 00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:44,181 (SIGHS) 958 00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:47,284 LEE: Aren't you nervous? How can you eat at a time like this? 959 00:54:47,385 --> 00:54:50,688 I can't believe it! Hoy! Is there lipstick on my teeth? 960 00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:52,790 - No. - Liar! 961 00:54:52,890 --> 00:54:54,258 (LAUGHING) Let's go. 962 00:54:54,359 --> 00:54:55,926 - Chickapow! - Chickapow! 963 00:54:59,997 --> 00:55:01,832 Where were you today? 964 00:55:04,535 --> 00:55:07,037 - Hm? - You were supposed to meet me. 965 00:55:08,873 --> 00:55:10,975 I thought we were gonna go shopping. 966 00:55:18,015 --> 00:55:20,918 You know, Carla, maybe we should watch our weight a little. 967 00:55:21,018 --> 00:55:25,356 We practically need olive oil to grease the zippers on these costumes. 968 00:55:25,456 --> 00:55:28,693 What?! Don't go all LA on me, Connie. 969 00:55:28,793 --> 00:55:31,929 All these women come to our show and idolize us 970 00:55:32,029 --> 00:55:35,466 because as men, we have better female self-esteem than they do. 971 00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:38,268 Boy, you have some nerve. 972 00:55:38,469 --> 00:55:39,870 - You all right? - No! 973 00:55:39,970 --> 00:55:42,807 I was at that mall all day by myself, Connie. 974 00:55:42,907 --> 00:55:44,509 People stared at me. 975 00:55:44,609 --> 00:55:46,276 I felt naked. 976 00:55:46,377 --> 00:55:48,813 I can't hide out like this much longer. 977 00:55:48,913 --> 00:55:50,848 I need to get out of this closet! 978 00:55:50,948 --> 00:55:53,283 - Well, you can't! - (SIGHS) 979 00:55:53,484 --> 00:55:54,885 Come on, let's go. 980 00:55:56,854 --> 00:56:00,391 A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a..." 981 00:56:00,491 --> 00:56:03,327 ...beer." Bartender says, 982 00:56:03,428 --> 00:56:05,396 "What's with big pause?" 983 00:56:05,496 --> 00:56:07,632 And the polar bear says, 984 00:56:07,732 --> 00:56:09,800 - "Always had 'em." - (CROWD GROANING) 985 00:56:09,900 --> 00:56:12,703 - MAN: You suck! - You're outta here, Brad! 986 00:56:12,803 --> 00:56:15,673 All right, well, please welcome... 987 00:56:15,773 --> 00:56:18,208 Connie and Carla and the Belles of the Balls! 988 00:56:18,409 --> 00:56:20,645 (CHEERING) 989 00:56:20,745 --> 00:56:23,047 ("LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU" PLAYING) 990 00:56:27,985 --> 00:56:29,286 ♪ Let me ♪ 991 00:56:29,487 --> 00:56:30,788 ♪ Entertain you ♪ 992 00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:35,660 ♪ Let me make you smile ♪ 993 00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:39,096 ♪ Let me do a few tricks, some ♪ ♪ old and then some new tricks ♪ 994 00:56:39,196 --> 00:56:43,300 ♪ I'm very versatile ♪ 995 00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:47,337 ♪ And if you're real good, ♪ ♪ I'll make you feel good ♪ 996 00:56:47,438 --> 00:56:51,876 ♪ I want your spirits ♪ ♪ to climb ♪ 997 00:56:51,976 --> 00:56:53,844 ♪ So let me ♪ 998 00:56:53,944 --> 00:56:55,713 ♪ Entertain you ♪ 999 00:56:55,813 --> 00:56:59,950 ♪ And we'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪ 1000 00:57:00,050 --> 00:57:03,521 ♪ We'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time. ♪ 1001 00:57:03,621 --> 00:57:05,990 (CHEERING) 1002 00:57:09,660 --> 00:57:12,697 Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. 1003 00:57:12,797 --> 00:57:14,599 Welcome to the show. 1004 00:57:14,699 --> 00:57:17,802 - Aren't we all divine? - (CHEERS) 1005 00:57:17,902 --> 00:57:21,706 - Here's the show we have planned for you tonight. - Wait, wait, stop! 1006 00:57:24,709 --> 00:57:27,512 I have an announcement to make. 1007 00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:32,182 - It's time you all knew. - (SOFTLY) Carla, don't. 1008 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:34,552 I... 1009 00:57:34,652 --> 00:57:38,055 am... 1010 00:57:38,155 --> 00:57:39,824 an eater! 1011 00:57:39,924 --> 00:57:41,926 (CHEERS) 1012 00:57:42,026 --> 00:57:43,928 That's right, ladies and gentlemen, 1013 00:57:44,028 --> 00:57:46,831 and soon we're gonna be a full-service dinner theater. 1014 00:57:46,931 --> 00:57:48,799 This is what America needs... 1015 00:57:48,899 --> 00:57:52,603 To eat and watch a show where real women are real women. 1016 00:57:52,703 --> 00:57:55,573 - (CHEERS) - If you're naturally slim, fine, okay, 1017 00:57:55,673 --> 00:57:58,142 but come on! Starving ourselves to get thin? 1018 00:57:58,242 --> 00:58:01,211 No hips, no breasts, until we look just like little boys. 1019 00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:04,915 Girlfriends, big or small, 1020 00:58:05,015 --> 00:58:07,652 thin or fat, worship that body! 1021 00:58:07,752 --> 00:58:09,520 It's the only one you've got. 1022 00:58:09,620 --> 00:58:12,222 (CHEERING) 1023 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:14,825 Hit it! 1024 00:58:14,925 --> 00:58:17,394 ♪ So ♪ 1025 00:58:17,595 --> 00:58:20,130 ♪ Let me entertain you ♪ 1026 00:58:20,230 --> 00:58:24,702 ♪ And we'll have ♪ ♪ a real good time, yes, sir ♪ 1027 00:58:24,802 --> 00:58:26,871 ♪ We'll have ♪ 1028 00:58:26,971 --> 00:58:32,076 ♪ - A real good... ♪ ♪ - A real good time! ♪ 1029 00:58:39,950 --> 00:58:41,652 Good night, Stanley. 1030 00:58:41,752 --> 00:58:43,988 - Ow! - (GRUNTS) 1031 00:58:44,088 --> 00:58:46,423 - (CHUCKLES) - JEFF: Oy... 1032 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,926 (CHUCKLING) Oh man... 1033 00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:54,665 Here you go. 1034 00:58:56,100 --> 00:58:57,568 Thank you. 1035 00:59:02,973 --> 00:59:04,274 Cotton absorbs. 1036 00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:11,582 Uh... 1037 00:59:14,418 --> 00:59:17,588 I'm surprised they don't market it like that. 1038 00:59:17,688 --> 00:59:19,757 Mm-hmm... 1039 00:59:19,857 --> 00:59:21,626 (SPITS) 1040 00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:25,730 I-I'm looking for Robert. 1041 00:59:25,830 --> 00:59:28,532 His cell phone is off. Uh, is he in there? 1042 00:59:28,633 --> 00:59:30,200 No, she's gone. You missed our show. 1043 00:59:30,300 --> 00:59:34,004 I'm not ready to see that yet... No offense about your job. 1044 00:59:34,104 --> 00:59:37,141 None taken. I'm not itching to come and watch you flip burgers. 1045 00:59:37,241 --> 00:59:39,677 I'm a financial advisor. 1046 00:59:39,777 --> 00:59:42,546 Of course. I can smell the stress on you. 1047 00:59:42,647 --> 00:59:45,249 I'm not as uptight as you think I am. 1048 00:59:45,349 --> 00:59:48,619 Yes, you are. 1049 00:59:48,719 --> 00:59:51,021 - (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTERING) 1050 00:59:55,993 --> 00:59:58,362 Hey, bartender! I'm thirsty! 1051 00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:00,064 Hey, why are you... 1052 01:00:00,164 --> 01:00:03,567 Why are you different when you're away from the other drag queens? 1053 01:00:03,668 --> 01:00:05,936 - What do you mean? - It's like there's some kind of 1054 01:00:06,036 --> 01:00:08,272 drag queen code of behavior or something, you know, 1055 01:00:08,372 --> 01:00:10,975 it's like... 1056 01:00:11,075 --> 01:00:15,880 "Stripes? Mary, Holy Martha Stewart's Prison Collection!" 1057 01:00:15,980 --> 01:00:19,750 I-I-I got three words for you, Miss Thing. 1058 01:00:19,850 --> 01:00:22,186 No, no, no and... 1059 01:00:22,286 --> 01:00:24,188 "Four words... yesterday!" 1060 01:00:24,288 --> 01:00:27,224 - (LAUGHING) - That's ridiculous! What is that? 1061 01:00:27,324 --> 01:00:31,328 What... what... What was that? 1062 01:00:31,428 --> 01:00:35,265 Oh please, don't make me do it again, I think I pulled something. 1063 01:00:35,365 --> 01:00:38,268 I wanna figure it out. I really do. I mean, are you... 1064 01:00:39,704 --> 01:00:41,271 What's the thrill? Are you hiding? 1065 01:00:41,371 --> 01:00:43,273 - Actually, I am hiding. - Yeah? 1066 01:00:43,373 --> 01:00:46,677 Some murderers are after me, and I'm hiding out as a drag queen. 1067 01:00:46,777 --> 01:00:49,680 Really, really. I'm asking you really. I'd like to know. 1068 01:00:49,780 --> 01:00:51,916 I wanna figure this whole thing out. I mean... 1069 01:00:52,016 --> 01:00:54,719 Is this the real you? Or are you... 1070 01:00:54,819 --> 01:00:56,721 Playing dress-up? 1071 01:00:56,821 --> 01:01:00,090 Do you understand? Are you playing dress-up? 1072 01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:03,660 Or is this the real you? 1073 01:01:03,761 --> 01:01:06,363 I don't think you could handle the real me. 1074 01:01:06,463 --> 01:01:08,766 You'd be all, "Oh, I want my mommy!" 1075 01:01:08,866 --> 01:01:11,201 (BOTH LAUGH) 1076 01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:14,872 - Uh-uh. - It's true. 1077 01:01:14,972 --> 01:01:17,074 So a real woman doesn't scare you? 1078 01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:20,110 No! But, Connie, you're not... 1079 01:01:20,210 --> 01:01:23,347 - a real woman. - Oh, you'd be surprised, baby. 1080 01:01:23,447 --> 01:01:25,916 I know your type. You like uptight girls. 1081 01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:28,886 That is not true. That is so not true. 1082 01:01:28,986 --> 01:01:30,487 - Really? - Yeah. 1083 01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:32,222 Am I your type? 1084 01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:39,764 - Sure. Yeah. - You think I'm attractive? 1085 01:01:42,266 --> 01:01:46,136 Connie, I've never seen you out of drag, but... 1086 01:01:46,236 --> 01:01:50,207 I have to say that as a broad, you're a real looker. 1087 01:01:50,307 --> 01:01:52,810 Ah. (LAUGHS) 1088 01:01:52,910 --> 01:01:54,845 Can I get another one please? 1089 01:02:03,453 --> 01:02:05,255 (GAGS) 1090 01:02:14,999 --> 01:02:18,402 TIBOR: I have been to dinner theaters in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas... 1091 01:02:18,502 --> 01:02:20,771 I have watched every show in this whole country. 1092 01:02:20,871 --> 01:02:24,008 Connie and Carla have disappeared. 1093 01:02:34,484 --> 01:02:36,921 AL: You're just mad because Connie didn't call you. 1094 01:02:37,021 --> 01:02:38,989 Get it through that chunk-a-head of yours: 1095 01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:41,491 Connie and Carla... They're gone! 1096 01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:44,829 RUDY: Hey! 1097 01:02:47,031 --> 01:02:49,066 Sorry, Mr. Rudy. 1098 01:02:49,166 --> 01:02:51,135 Who are you? 1099 01:02:51,235 --> 01:02:53,703 I'm Al. I'm new. 1100 01:02:53,904 --> 01:02:56,907 What's your problem, Al? 1101 01:02:57,007 --> 01:03:00,945 Mikey. His girlfriend took off on him and... 1102 01:03:01,045 --> 01:03:03,180 th-that's all. 1103 01:03:06,483 --> 01:03:08,785 I love a good story. 1104 01:03:11,021 --> 01:03:13,223 So... where are Connie and Carla? 1105 01:03:13,323 --> 01:03:15,159 Ah, we don't know. 1106 01:03:15,259 --> 01:03:17,394 But Mikey says he got a hang-up call last night. 1107 01:03:17,494 --> 01:03:20,497 Caller-ID said area code 323. 1108 01:03:20,597 --> 01:03:22,466 - Los Angeles. - Oh. 1109 01:03:22,566 --> 01:03:24,234 What a story. 1110 01:03:24,334 --> 01:03:27,838 Listen, you guys are useless to me here like this. 1111 01:03:27,938 --> 01:03:30,941 What I want you to do is I want you to go out there, 1112 01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,977 and I want you to find your girls. 1113 01:03:33,077 --> 01:03:35,179 - (CHUCKLES) Are you serious? - And when you do, 1114 01:03:35,279 --> 01:03:37,314 call me. 1115 01:03:37,414 --> 01:03:39,216 (CHUCKLES) 1116 01:03:40,450 --> 01:03:42,987 - Why? - I gotta know how it ends. 1117 01:03:43,087 --> 01:03:46,223 (CHUCKLES) Mr. Rudy... 1118 01:03:46,323 --> 01:03:48,292 oh, thank you. Thanks. 1119 01:03:52,429 --> 01:03:54,331 Follow that idiot. 1120 01:04:03,107 --> 01:04:06,410 Uh... I already saw you. 1121 01:04:06,510 --> 01:04:08,378 Hello? I... 1122 01:04:08,478 --> 01:04:10,314 Hey! 1123 01:04:10,414 --> 01:04:12,482 - Wait! - Look, I'm not... 1124 01:04:12,582 --> 01:04:15,485 - I know you're not. It was a mistake. - A big mistake. 1125 01:04:15,585 --> 01:04:19,389 - Can't we be friends? - No. No, we can't. 1126 01:04:19,489 --> 01:04:22,126 I mean, I-I... I don't have time for this. 1127 01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:25,395 This whole thing, okay? It's not normal. 1128 01:04:35,940 --> 01:04:39,309 Don't you think it's weird, Mr. Rudy giving us this cash to come out? 1129 01:04:39,409 --> 01:04:43,347 - He cares about me. - Since when? 1130 01:04:43,447 --> 01:04:46,316 - I'm not sure. - There's some things about Mr. Rudy 1131 01:04:46,416 --> 01:04:49,920 that might surprise you. I heard some stuff. 1132 01:04:51,221 --> 01:04:53,223 - What did I do? - Did you find a map? 1133 01:05:01,665 --> 01:05:03,600 - (HORN HONKS) - Want a ride? 1134 01:05:12,009 --> 01:05:13,710 You missed rehearsal this morning. 1135 01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,080 Ugh, Carla, please. 1136 01:05:16,180 --> 01:05:17,814 I just got dumped. 1137 01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:19,950 What are you talking about? 1138 01:05:20,050 --> 01:05:23,053 How could I not know? What, the straight guy? 1139 01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:27,124 Yeah, but he thinks I'm a guy, so it's over before it even started. 1140 01:05:31,495 --> 01:05:33,463 Isn't that Jeff? 1141 01:05:33,563 --> 01:05:36,233 Oh yeah, that's interesting. 1142 01:05:41,972 --> 01:05:43,407 (ENGINE SHUTS OFF) 1143 01:05:43,507 --> 01:05:46,576 - It's Jeff? Are you crazy? - Why the throat?! 1144 01:05:46,676 --> 01:05:50,147 - You must be out of your mind! - Your knee is in my coochie! 1145 01:05:50,247 --> 01:05:52,016 - Get off! - Are you sick? 1146 01:05:52,116 --> 01:05:55,352 Do you have a death wish? Why would you take a chance on exposing us? 1147 01:05:55,452 --> 01:05:57,454 He'll talk about it to Robert. She'll talk. 1148 01:05:57,554 --> 01:06:00,124 People will talk! Then those guys will find and kill us. 1149 01:06:00,224 --> 01:06:03,560 Your voice is giving me mono! Nothing happened! Back off! 1150 01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:05,129 (GASPS) 1151 01:06:08,132 --> 01:06:10,200 You yelled at me. 1152 01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:14,271 We're fighting. We never fight. What's happening to us? 1153 01:06:14,371 --> 01:06:16,040 We're having a nervous breakdown. 1154 01:06:16,140 --> 01:06:18,208 Maybe we're having a delayed reaction 1155 01:06:18,308 --> 01:06:21,611 - to the trauma of being shot at, like those guys in 'Nam. - You can't say "'Nam." 1156 01:06:21,711 --> 01:06:24,048 You weren't in "'Nam"! You have to call it Vietnam! 1157 01:06:24,148 --> 01:06:25,649 Shut up! I can call it what I want. 1158 01:06:25,749 --> 01:06:28,352 Oh God, I kissed Jeff, I kissed Jeff 1159 01:06:28,452 --> 01:06:31,021 and I want to kiss him again without my wig! 1160 01:06:31,121 --> 01:06:32,522 You can't, Connie! You can't! 1161 01:06:32,622 --> 01:06:35,025 - You did? - Just my luck. 1162 01:06:35,125 --> 01:06:37,627 I meet the guy of my dreams and he's straight. 1163 01:06:37,727 --> 01:06:40,897 Look at us! We're ridiculous. I can't do this anymore. 1164 01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:43,167 Shut up, Connie! We're in this because of you. 1165 01:06:43,267 --> 01:06:47,371 It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes even though you knew Frank was a gangster. 1166 01:06:47,471 --> 01:06:50,107 So because of you, we saw him get killed. 1167 01:06:50,207 --> 01:06:52,609 And then we... yes we... Got shot at. 1168 01:06:52,709 --> 01:06:56,580 Shot at with real guns. And that white powder? That was cocaine. 1169 01:06:56,680 --> 01:06:59,783 You got us mixed up with some real criminals... murderers. 1170 01:06:59,883 --> 01:07:03,487 And it was your stupid idea to be drag queens and now we're in hiding for life 1171 01:07:03,587 --> 01:07:07,691 as women dressed as men dressed as women, so shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 1172 01:07:13,297 --> 01:07:14,631 I... 1173 01:07:14,731 --> 01:07:16,300 You've been weird. 1174 01:07:18,535 --> 01:07:19,903 Cut it out. 1175 01:07:20,170 --> 01:07:22,339 Okay. 1176 01:07:27,744 --> 01:07:29,313 I'm sorry. 1177 01:07:36,186 --> 01:07:37,854 BRIAN: Girls, we need help! 1178 01:07:37,954 --> 01:07:39,823 - Girls! Open the door! - (BANGING) 1179 01:07:39,923 --> 01:07:43,593 - Peaches and Jeff are fighting. Come on! - Let's go quick! 1180 01:07:43,693 --> 01:07:46,630 You won't even go inside. 1181 01:07:46,730 --> 01:07:49,233 You won't dare to look at the show. 1182 01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:51,368 I've asked you and asked you. You won't do it. 1183 01:07:51,468 --> 01:07:55,372 Robert, I have invested days and energy in this relationship. I'm trying. 1184 01:07:55,472 --> 01:07:58,442 But you gotta give me a break. 1185 01:07:58,542 --> 01:08:00,710 It's hard for me to see you like this. 1186 01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:03,147 You can't pick and choose the parts of me... 1187 01:08:04,248 --> 01:08:06,183 that don't make you sick to your stomach. 1188 01:08:07,684 --> 01:08:10,387 You can't have half a relationship with me, Jeff. 1189 01:08:15,259 --> 01:08:17,127 Jeff? 1190 01:08:17,227 --> 01:08:18,762 JEFF: Oh my God. 1191 01:08:18,862 --> 01:08:20,764 What are you... What are you doing here? 1192 01:08:20,864 --> 01:08:24,634 - It's not what you think... - Jeff, I can see that. 1193 01:08:24,734 --> 01:08:27,003 - So this is what you've been up to? - No... 1194 01:08:27,103 --> 01:08:29,406 Sneaking around when you said you were working? 1195 01:08:29,506 --> 01:08:31,475 (WHISPERS) That's his girlfriend. 1196 01:08:31,575 --> 01:08:33,577 - I thought you were seeing other women. - No, Mary. 1197 01:08:33,677 --> 01:08:35,412 Her name is Mary. 1198 01:08:35,512 --> 01:08:37,314 Jeff? 1199 01:08:39,249 --> 01:08:41,451 Introduce me to your girlfriend. 1200 01:08:47,657 --> 01:08:49,293 Mary... 1201 01:08:50,727 --> 01:08:52,629 this is Robert... 1202 01:08:54,130 --> 01:08:55,599 my brother. 1203 01:09:01,205 --> 01:09:03,373 - Oh... - CONNIE: Okay... 1204 01:09:03,473 --> 01:09:06,142 we're gonna give you guys some privacy. 1205 01:09:09,879 --> 01:09:11,615 Jeff, they're freaks. 1206 01:09:25,495 --> 01:09:27,264 (HUFFS) 1207 01:09:52,289 --> 01:09:54,190 (SIGHS) 1208 01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:03,633 She's fine, he's fine, everything's all right. Let's leave her alone. 1209 01:10:03,733 --> 01:10:06,102 - Maybe a glass of water. - My heart's pounding. 1210 01:10:06,202 --> 01:10:07,937 I thought she was gonna kill that girl. 1211 01:10:08,037 --> 01:10:10,106 The one who should watch out is that Jeff. 1212 01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:12,809 I'm going to knock him into next week, I swear to God. 1213 01:10:12,909 --> 01:10:14,811 (CONNIE SIGHS) 1214 01:10:22,652 --> 01:10:24,688 (SIGHS) 1215 01:10:28,458 --> 01:10:30,894 Ouch, you know? 1216 01:10:33,963 --> 01:10:35,565 Yeah. 1217 01:10:38,635 --> 01:10:39,969 Christ. 1218 01:10:44,708 --> 01:10:46,343 Let's eat. 1219 01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:48,578 (LAUGHING) 1220 01:10:48,678 --> 01:10:50,680 And he wouldn't stop asking me questions. 1221 01:10:50,780 --> 01:10:53,317 It was like I was Professor Cross-Dresser. 1222 01:10:53,417 --> 01:10:56,286 Like he says, "Why are you called drag queens?" 1223 01:10:56,386 --> 01:10:59,323 Nobody's being dragged. You're not dragging anything." 1224 01:10:59,423 --> 01:11:01,257 - It comes from Shakespeare. - Really? 1225 01:11:01,358 --> 01:11:02,992 Yeah, he'd write so-and-so enters 1226 01:11:03,092 --> 01:11:05,729 and in the margin, he'd put the initials D-R-A-G... 1227 01:11:05,829 --> 01:11:07,831 So-and-so enters dressed as a girl. 1228 01:11:07,931 --> 01:11:10,834 Drag, okay, Shakespeare, 1229 01:11:10,934 --> 01:11:13,002 - how about "Ophelia Up"? - No. 1230 01:11:13,102 --> 01:11:14,771 - (CHUCKLES) - Wanda DeCountryside? 1231 01:11:14,871 --> 01:11:16,806 - It's not me. - Devoida Talent? 1232 01:11:16,906 --> 01:11:19,042 - Stop it - (LAUGHING) 1233 01:11:19,142 --> 01:11:21,177 BRIAN: I like Wanda DeCountryside. 1234 01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:23,447 What are you looking here for? That's your side. 1235 01:11:23,547 --> 01:11:26,983 - Turn around, look over there. - (CHATTERING) 1236 01:11:34,123 --> 01:11:36,192 Come by later if you want to talk. 1237 01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:38,995 Oh, sweetie, I am all talked out. 1238 01:11:45,034 --> 01:11:47,437 Hey? Hey, hey, hey, hey. 1239 01:11:51,174 --> 01:11:54,578 - You okay? - Yeah, I got guy problems. 1240 01:11:54,678 --> 01:11:56,513 Oh, sweetie. 1241 01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:00,517 Come on. 1242 01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:06,222 Welcome to "What's Up, LA?" 1243 01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:09,092 A dinner theater that's full of drag queens? 1244 01:12:09,192 --> 01:12:12,228 - Holy stockings! Gorgeous... - ...ice cream sundae. 1245 01:12:12,328 --> 01:12:13,830 - Connie and Carla. - (GASPS) 1246 01:12:13,930 --> 01:12:16,500 There you are. If you could spare us five minutes... 1247 01:12:16,600 --> 01:12:19,002 - (SCREAMING) - Tell how you've become such a big hit 1248 01:12:19,102 --> 01:12:21,371 in West Hollywood. Just tell us something. 1249 01:12:21,471 --> 01:12:23,973 Don't be shy, you've made a big splash. 1250 01:12:24,073 --> 01:12:27,377 - It's just a local station. - Our viewers are dying to know you. 1251 01:12:27,477 --> 01:12:31,515 - Okay. - Connie and Carla, what makes you the best drag queens ever? 1252 01:12:31,615 --> 01:12:33,617 (SNAPS) Honey, we do our own singing. 1253 01:12:33,717 --> 01:12:36,019 No lip-synching for us, toots. 1254 01:12:36,119 --> 01:12:39,623 We do all your favorite show tunes wrapped in a delicious dinner. 1255 01:12:41,157 --> 01:12:42,659 That was a big mistake. 1256 01:12:42,759 --> 01:12:45,261 We've been flirting with disaster since we went on stage. 1257 01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:46,696 - Carla! Connie. - (SCREAMS) 1258 01:12:46,796 --> 01:12:48,932 - What are you doing here? - What's going on? 1259 01:12:49,032 --> 01:12:51,367 - How did you find us? - How come you're a guy now? 1260 01:12:51,468 --> 01:12:53,603 Connie, I think a lot of people just saw that. 1261 01:12:53,703 --> 01:12:56,706 But it's local news, there's no way that Russian or Rudy guy saw it. 1262 01:12:56,806 --> 01:12:58,942 - Mr. Rudy, our boss. - You work for Rudy? 1263 01:12:59,042 --> 01:13:00,877 - He sent us to find you. - (SCREAMS) 1264 01:13:00,977 --> 01:13:03,279 - Why? What the hell? - Tell Rudy we want to live. 1265 01:13:03,379 --> 01:13:05,715 We're not going to tell anybody he killed poor Frank. 1266 01:13:05,815 --> 01:13:07,817 - Wait, he killed Frank? - Yeah. 1267 01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:10,319 - You should listen to the guys. - We saw him kill Frank. 1268 01:13:10,420 --> 01:13:11,655 - To death. - What happened? 1269 01:13:11,755 --> 01:13:14,023 Rudy knows you're in LA. We've got to get out of town. 1270 01:13:14,123 --> 01:13:16,626 We can't, the official opening is tomorrow night. 1271 01:13:16,726 --> 01:13:19,295 We can't let everybody down, they're depending on us. 1272 01:13:19,395 --> 01:13:22,766 - We can't do that to Stanley. - Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey? 1273 01:13:22,866 --> 01:13:25,401 I didn't, Carla, ever. 1274 01:13:25,502 --> 01:13:27,571 Al just made that up 'cause he was mad at Connie. 1275 01:13:27,671 --> 01:13:31,007 Come on, Carla, don't go be a guy. 1276 01:13:31,107 --> 01:13:33,643 You don't understand, Mikey, I like doing the show. 1277 01:13:33,743 --> 01:13:35,912 I'm good at it. I like being Carla and Connie. 1278 01:13:36,012 --> 01:13:38,882 - "Connie and Carla." - How come your name's always first? 1279 01:13:38,982 --> 01:13:40,650 - It sounds better. - This is serious. 1280 01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:42,452 - We know. - So, let's go already. 1281 01:13:42,552 --> 01:13:44,921 I need time to think. Your voice is giving me shingles. 1282 01:13:45,021 --> 01:13:46,756 We need time. Connie's gonna make a plan. 1283 01:13:46,856 --> 01:13:48,958 - I'm gonna make a plan. - She's gonna make a plan. 1284 01:13:49,058 --> 01:13:51,928 Fine, call us at this motel, room 209, first thing in the morning. 1285 01:13:52,028 --> 01:13:53,730 - Want to stay over? - Yeah... 1286 01:13:53,830 --> 01:13:55,331 - Carla, let's go. - Call me. 1287 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,233 - Connie, miss me? Yeah, you did. - CONNIE: No. 1288 01:13:57,433 --> 01:14:00,604 Rudy, I find them. 1289 01:14:00,704 --> 01:14:01,838 (KNOCKS) 1290 01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:05,374 - I'm an ass. - (SCOFFS) 1291 01:14:05,475 --> 01:14:08,211 I should've seen your show and told my girlfriend about you. 1292 01:14:08,311 --> 01:14:10,547 I should have just loved you and accepted you 1293 01:14:10,647 --> 01:14:13,016 and been okay with the fact that you wear dresses. 1294 01:14:16,720 --> 01:14:18,888 I'm sorry, Robbie. 1295 01:14:27,731 --> 01:14:29,933 It's just that when you left home it was hard on me. 1296 01:14:30,033 --> 01:14:33,002 I was 12 years old. I wake up one morning, you're just gone. 1297 01:14:33,102 --> 01:14:36,740 - You didn't call me, you never even wrote to me. - I got kicked out. 1298 01:14:40,510 --> 01:14:43,613 - What? No... - Mom and Dad kicked me out. 1299 01:14:43,713 --> 01:14:46,182 They found my bra. 1300 01:14:46,282 --> 01:14:48,518 You thought I left? 1301 01:14:50,687 --> 01:14:52,622 - Yeah... - (SIGHS) 1302 01:15:00,797 --> 01:15:03,399 Whatever happened, 1303 01:15:03,633 --> 01:15:05,635 Mom regrets it. 1304 01:15:05,735 --> 01:15:09,472 - She does? - Oh, yeah. Dad too. 1305 01:15:09,573 --> 01:15:13,009 - (SCOFFS) - (CHUCKLES) 1306 01:15:13,109 --> 01:15:14,878 No, they want to see you. 1307 01:15:17,513 --> 01:15:19,983 Jeff, for the first time in my life I like who I am. 1308 01:15:21,217 --> 01:15:23,953 Forget it. 1309 01:15:24,053 --> 01:15:26,823 I just... I don't know. 1310 01:15:26,923 --> 01:15:29,726 I want to be part of your life. 1311 01:15:36,633 --> 01:15:38,534 I'll say hi to Mom and Dad for you. 1312 01:15:41,738 --> 01:15:44,107 - And Grandma too. - Okay. 1313 01:16:03,092 --> 01:16:05,729 Oh and, Jeff, just a heads up, 1314 01:16:05,829 --> 01:16:08,598 my roommate, N' Cream 1315 01:16:08,698 --> 01:16:10,466 is on a tear to kick your ass. 1316 01:16:10,566 --> 01:16:13,903 N' Cream, the...? Oh, the little... 1317 01:16:14,003 --> 01:16:15,171 Yeah, the... 1318 01:16:18,374 --> 01:16:20,744 - Tell him to bring it. - Make a joke, I warned you. 1319 01:16:20,844 --> 01:16:23,780 - Thanks for the warning. - Go, go, go. 1320 01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:28,151 (KNOCKS) 1321 01:16:30,386 --> 01:16:33,356 - Hi. - Hi. 1322 01:16:35,659 --> 01:16:38,728 - Robert's not here. - I know, I just came from up there. 1323 01:16:38,828 --> 01:16:41,130 - Uh-huh. - About the other night, I wanted to... 1324 01:16:41,230 --> 01:16:44,067 Yeah. How's Mary? 1325 01:16:44,167 --> 01:16:48,037 We talked about things for hours. 1326 01:16:48,137 --> 01:16:50,439 It's not good, I mean the relationship, it's... 1327 01:16:50,674 --> 01:16:52,275 We broke up. 1328 01:16:55,344 --> 01:16:57,580 Oh... 1329 01:16:57,681 --> 01:16:59,282 I wanted to apologize to you. 1330 01:17:02,251 --> 01:17:05,321 You're not freaks, you're not a freak. 1331 01:17:05,421 --> 01:17:07,290 I hated seeing you hurt. 1332 01:17:08,992 --> 01:17:10,994 Thanks, Jeff. 1333 01:17:11,094 --> 01:17:14,630 I have fun when I'm with you... all of you. 1334 01:17:17,667 --> 01:17:20,169 - It's just, I'm not... - I know, you told me. 1335 01:17:20,269 --> 01:17:21,938 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1336 01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:33,683 - Bye. - Bye. 1337 01:17:43,492 --> 01:17:45,628 MAN: Good morning, LA. 1338 01:17:45,729 --> 01:17:47,363 Looking at the freeways, three cars 1339 01:17:47,463 --> 01:17:49,632 have gotten together on the 101 at Winnetka... 1340 01:17:49,733 --> 01:17:53,469 Mikey, Connie and Carla will call. 1341 01:17:53,703 --> 01:17:55,171 I know. 1342 01:17:58,541 --> 01:18:00,443 - WOMAN: Sahara Motel. - Hi, room 209. 1343 01:18:00,543 --> 01:18:03,179 - I'll connect you. - (PHONE RINGS) 1344 01:18:03,279 --> 01:18:04,347 - Hello? - Hi, Al. 1345 01:18:04,447 --> 01:18:06,282 - Connie. - We're coming... 1346 01:18:06,382 --> 01:18:08,317 - Rudy's on his way. - What? 1347 01:18:08,417 --> 01:18:11,254 - He's gonna kill us all. We gotta get out of here. - Okay, bye. 1348 01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:14,357 Mikey talked to a guy from work. Rudy's on his way to LA. We've got to go. 1349 01:18:14,457 --> 01:18:16,325 No. 1350 01:18:16,425 --> 01:18:19,362 Carla, we're going to die. 1351 01:18:19,462 --> 01:18:21,931 I'm so sorry for dragging you into this mess. 1352 01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:23,800 I love this mess. 1353 01:18:23,900 --> 01:18:26,302 Thank you for dragging me... Pun intended. 1354 01:18:27,937 --> 01:18:31,107 Who says they're gonna find us in this big city? 1355 01:18:31,207 --> 01:18:34,811 Would they be looking for a couple of queens? 1356 01:18:34,911 --> 01:18:38,114 HERE'S MY PLAN: We launch the show. We stay for one night. 1357 01:18:38,214 --> 01:18:40,917 The audience sees how great the guys are and they come back, 1358 01:18:41,017 --> 01:18:43,887 - and Stanley doesn't lose any money. - That's a good plan. 1359 01:18:43,987 --> 01:18:45,421 I know. 1360 01:18:47,290 --> 01:18:48,858 (LAUGHS) 1361 01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,128 One night. 1362 01:18:56,432 --> 01:18:58,201 One last show. 1363 01:18:59,969 --> 01:19:02,338 - Okay? - Okay. 1364 01:19:15,018 --> 01:19:17,320 I've been thinking, we should have the guys enter 1365 01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:19,923 from the back of the house on "Good Morning, Starshine." 1366 01:19:20,023 --> 01:19:22,926 WOMAN: Oh honey, if you're gonna enter from the house, 1367 01:19:23,026 --> 01:19:25,929 you've gotta do it on "76 Trombones." 1368 01:19:26,029 --> 01:19:27,831 - (BOTH SCREAM) - Debbie Reynolds! 1369 01:19:27,931 --> 01:19:30,066 (BOTH) Hi, hi, hi. 1370 01:19:30,166 --> 01:19:32,701 Hello there, hello there. 1371 01:19:32,802 --> 01:19:34,670 Somebody put a letter in my mailbox. 1372 01:19:34,770 --> 01:19:37,106 I found your house on the star map. 1373 01:19:37,206 --> 01:19:40,343 You know you've got a pretty hot idea here... a dinner theater. 1374 01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:42,812 - Oh. - Will you please be in our show? 1375 01:19:42,912 --> 01:19:46,015 Will you? We open tonight, so there's not a lot of time to rehearse. 1376 01:19:46,115 --> 01:19:49,986 Oh, honey, I've got sheet music and gorgeous gowns 1377 01:19:50,086 --> 01:19:52,889 and a good underwire bra. I could go on now. 1378 01:19:52,989 --> 01:19:54,423 (BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH) 1379 01:19:54,523 --> 01:19:56,459 So chins up, boobs out, it's show time. 1380 01:19:56,559 --> 01:19:57,660 (SCREAMS) 1381 01:19:57,894 --> 01:19:59,795 (HONKS) 1382 01:20:08,905 --> 01:20:10,974 (APPLAUSE) 1383 01:20:17,180 --> 01:20:18,814 Thank you. 1384 01:20:20,149 --> 01:20:22,218 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you 1385 01:20:22,318 --> 01:20:25,421 to the official opening of Stanley's Dinner Theater... 1386 01:20:29,558 --> 01:20:31,861 We love you, Stanley. 1387 01:20:38,401 --> 01:20:39,502 Thank you. 1388 01:20:41,971 --> 01:20:44,974 And now please say hello to the Belles of the Balls 1389 01:20:45,074 --> 01:20:48,177 and the one, the only Connie and Carla! 1390 01:20:53,716 --> 01:20:56,285 - Oh, sit back, sweets. - It's just us. 1391 01:20:56,385 --> 01:21:00,756 - Have we got a show for you. - I hope you brought a change of panties, 'cause... 1392 01:21:00,856 --> 01:21:04,527 ♪ I'm just a girl ♪ ♪ who cain't say no ♪ 1393 01:21:04,627 --> 01:21:07,596 ♪ I'm in a turrible fix ♪ 1394 01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:11,500 ♪ I always say ♪ ♪ come on, let's go ♪ 1395 01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:14,037 ♪ Just when ♪ ♪ I oughta say nix ♪ 1396 01:21:14,137 --> 01:21:17,907 ♪ When a person tries ♪ ♪ to kiss a girl ♪ 1397 01:21:18,007 --> 01:21:20,476 ♪ I know she ought ♪ ♪ to give his face a smack ♪ 1398 01:21:20,576 --> 01:21:21,810 - Smack. - Smack. 1399 01:21:21,911 --> 01:21:25,181 ♪ But as soon ♪ ♪ as someone kisses me ♪ 1400 01:21:25,281 --> 01:21:31,120 ♪ I somehow sorta want ♪ ♪ to kiss 'em back. ♪ 1401 01:21:33,422 --> 01:21:35,391 Ladies and gentleman, please welcome 1402 01:21:35,491 --> 01:21:38,094 our very special guest, 1403 01:21:38,194 --> 01:21:41,130 Ms. Debbie Reynolds. 1404 01:21:41,230 --> 01:21:43,366 (CHEERING) 1405 01:21:45,034 --> 01:21:48,171 ♪ There are worse ♪ ♪ things I could do ♪ 1406 01:21:48,271 --> 01:21:50,173 ♪ Doo-wop ♪ 1407 01:21:50,273 --> 01:21:54,043 ♪ Than go with a boy or two ♪ 1408 01:21:54,143 --> 01:21:56,245 ♪ Two-wop ♪ 1409 01:21:56,345 --> 01:21:59,448 ♪ Even though ♪ ♪ the neighborhood ♪ 1410 01:21:59,548 --> 01:22:02,185 ♪ - Thinks I'm trashy and no ♪ ♪ good - Ooh, she's no good ♪ 1411 01:22:02,285 --> 01:22:05,121 ♪ I suppose it could be true ♪ 1412 01:22:05,221 --> 01:22:08,591 ♪ - But there's worse things ♪ ♪ I could do - Wop. ♪ 1413 01:22:13,729 --> 01:22:15,564 - ♪ Memory ♪ - (MEOWING) 1414 01:22:15,664 --> 01:22:18,901 ♪ All alone ♪ ♪ in the moonlight ♪ 1415 01:22:19,002 --> 01:22:22,238 ♪ I can smile ♪ ♪ at the old days ♪ 1416 01:22:22,338 --> 01:22:24,940 - Police! Drop the cat. - ♪ I was beautiful then. ♪ 1417 01:22:25,041 --> 01:22:27,243 On your knees, hands in the air. 1418 01:22:27,343 --> 01:22:30,713 ♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪ 1419 01:22:33,149 --> 01:22:37,053 ♪ The sweetness ♪ ♪ and the sorrow ♪ 1420 01:22:39,522 --> 01:22:46,362 ♪ We did what ♪ ♪ we had to do ♪ 1421 01:22:49,798 --> 01:22:52,635 ♪ Won't forget, ♪ ♪ can't regret ♪ 1422 01:22:52,735 --> 01:22:59,108 ♪ What I did for love ♪ 1423 01:23:00,243 --> 01:23:06,149 ♪ What I did for love ♪ 1424 01:23:06,249 --> 01:23:11,620 ♪ What I did for love. ♪ 1425 01:23:53,028 --> 01:23:56,065 ♪ Good morning, Starshine ♪ 1426 01:23:56,165 --> 01:24:00,203 ♪ The earth says hello ♪ 1427 01:24:00,303 --> 01:24:03,072 ♪ You twinkle above us ♪ 1428 01:24:03,172 --> 01:24:05,474 ♪ We twinkle below... ♪ 1429 01:24:05,574 --> 01:24:08,111 Oh my God, I can't believe it, what are we going to do? 1430 01:24:08,211 --> 01:24:09,478 (SCREAMS) 1431 01:24:09,578 --> 01:24:13,949 ♪ Good morning, Starshine, ♪ ♪ you lead us along ♪ 1432 01:24:14,049 --> 01:24:15,618 - ♪ My love and me ♪ - (SCREAMS) 1433 01:24:15,718 --> 01:24:18,621 ♪ As we sing ♪ 1434 01:24:18,721 --> 01:24:22,125 ♪ Our early morning ♪ ♪ singing song. ♪ 1435 01:24:22,225 --> 01:24:24,793 (AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG, CHEERING) 1436 01:24:24,893 --> 01:24:29,232 ♪ You coax the blues ♪ ♪ right out of the horn ♪ 1437 01:24:29,332 --> 01:24:31,467 ♪ Mame ♪ 1438 01:24:31,567 --> 01:24:35,538 ♪ You charm the husk ♪ ♪ right off of the corn ♪ 1439 01:24:35,638 --> 01:24:37,506 ♪ Mame ♪ 1440 01:24:37,606 --> 01:24:40,743 ♪ You've got ♪ ♪ the banjos strumming ♪ 1441 01:24:40,843 --> 01:24:44,113 ♪ And plunkin' out a tune ♪ ♪ to beat the band... ♪ 1442 01:24:44,213 --> 01:24:46,549 - (SCREAMS) - TIBOR: Come here! 1443 01:24:46,649 --> 01:24:48,351 (SCREAMS, GASPS) 1444 01:24:49,585 --> 01:24:51,254 CONNIE: Okay. 1445 01:24:51,354 --> 01:24:53,989 - (COUGHING) - You've got something that's mine. 1446 01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:55,591 - You killed poor Frank. - You did! 1447 01:24:55,691 --> 01:24:57,826 - Let them go, Mr. Rudy. - Get lost. 1448 01:25:00,763 --> 01:25:03,832 - Kick it, girls. - ♪ Mame 1449 01:25:03,932 --> 01:25:06,769 - Let's go, ladies. - Oh no. 1450 01:25:06,869 --> 01:25:08,271 (GRUNTS) 1451 01:25:08,371 --> 01:25:10,506 ♪ Mame. ♪ 1452 01:25:10,606 --> 01:25:13,108 - (LAUGHTER) - Take care of the Debbie. 1453 01:25:13,209 --> 01:25:15,311 I loved you in "What's the Matter With Helen?" 1454 01:25:15,411 --> 01:25:18,314 - (GROANING) - (GRUNTING, SCREAMING) 1455 01:25:24,387 --> 01:25:25,388 (SCREAMS) 1456 01:25:25,488 --> 01:25:26,689 (LAUGHING) 1457 01:25:29,458 --> 01:25:31,660 (YELLING) 1458 01:25:33,696 --> 01:25:36,165 You screwed up the number, you bastard! 1459 01:25:39,902 --> 01:25:41,670 Ow, ow, ow... 1460 01:25:43,906 --> 01:25:45,408 (CHEERING) 1461 01:25:48,811 --> 01:25:50,646 (ALL SCREAMING) 1462 01:25:50,746 --> 01:25:53,148 - Get up. - No. 1463 01:26:06,295 --> 01:26:07,763 (GIRLS WHIMPERING) 1464 01:26:10,633 --> 01:26:11,734 Beads. 1465 01:26:11,834 --> 01:26:12,868 Hey! 1466 01:26:17,573 --> 01:26:19,842 PAUL: Get them! 1467 01:26:21,310 --> 01:26:22,745 (CHEERING) 1468 01:26:24,179 --> 01:26:25,248 LEE: You guys are bad! 1469 01:26:26,315 --> 01:26:28,317 Police! Everybody freeze! 1470 01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:35,190 - These are the bad guys. - The bad guys. 1471 01:26:35,291 --> 01:26:39,094 - You got to take them away. - COP: All right, ladies, we'll take it from here. 1472 01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:42,365 - He killed fat man! - He had a gland problem. 1473 01:26:42,465 --> 01:26:45,167 - COP: Cuff 'em. - You're horrible. How do you like it? 1474 01:26:45,268 --> 01:26:48,804 - Oh, what are you doing? - Oh, Mikey, I love you. 1475 01:26:48,904 --> 01:26:51,106 - I love you. - Thanks, Al, you did good. 1476 01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:52,808 - No problem, Con. - Hey, good show. 1477 01:26:52,908 --> 01:26:55,244 - ALL: Thanks. - You need a baritone? 1478 01:26:55,344 --> 01:26:57,045 Yeah, call us when you get out. 1479 01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:59,214 (APPLAUSE) 1480 01:27:10,359 --> 01:27:12,795 Okay, on with the show. "Mame." 1481 01:27:12,895 --> 01:27:14,497 Top of "corn." 1482 01:27:17,900 --> 01:27:19,968 Hey, what the hell was that all about? 1483 01:27:21,404 --> 01:27:23,539 Um... the "Guys and Dolls" tribute. 1484 01:27:23,639 --> 01:27:25,908 Oh, save it, Mary, what just happened? 1485 01:27:27,009 --> 01:27:28,711 Come on, Connie. 1486 01:27:31,614 --> 01:27:33,882 Let's tell them the truth. 1487 01:27:33,982 --> 01:27:35,884 No more lies. 1488 01:27:42,358 --> 01:27:44,527 (FAINT CHATTER) 1489 01:27:46,629 --> 01:27:49,632 I'm sure you're all wondering 1490 01:27:49,732 --> 01:27:51,567 what the cops and... 1491 01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:55,904 First we owed some money, 1492 01:27:56,004 --> 01:27:57,940 and then we saw something, 1493 01:27:58,040 --> 01:28:00,676 and we've been hiding for a while 1494 01:28:00,776 --> 01:28:03,278 pretending to be something that we're not. 1495 01:28:10,018 --> 01:28:11,687 Hey, who saw "Yentl"? 1496 01:28:14,657 --> 01:28:18,193 Barbara Streisand wants to study the Talmud, right? 1497 01:28:18,293 --> 01:28:19,895 But she can't, because she's a woman. 1498 01:28:19,995 --> 01:28:22,698 So she pretends to be a man, 1499 01:28:22,798 --> 01:28:25,267 and one thing leads to the next 1500 01:28:25,368 --> 01:28:27,703 and before you know it... 1501 01:28:29,705 --> 01:28:32,975 Everybody believes that she's a man. 1502 01:28:33,075 --> 01:28:35,411 She has to keep lying. 1503 01:28:35,511 --> 01:28:37,346 Even though she wants to stop, she can't, 1504 01:28:37,446 --> 01:28:40,349 'cause she has to keep lying to people that she cares about... 1505 01:28:41,817 --> 01:28:44,052 You know, that have been really kind. 1506 01:28:47,356 --> 01:28:48,557 Look... 1507 01:28:48,657 --> 01:28:50,659 uh... 1508 01:28:53,596 --> 01:28:55,531 we're women. (CHUCKLES) 1509 01:28:57,032 --> 01:28:59,402 (SCATTERED LAUGHS) 1510 01:28:59,502 --> 01:29:01,804 No, you don't get it, we're women. 1511 01:29:02,905 --> 01:29:04,807 (MURMURING) 1512 01:29:08,844 --> 01:29:10,078 (GASPS, SCREAMS) 1513 01:29:12,047 --> 01:29:14,483 - (GROANS) - (CHUCKLES) 1514 01:29:14,583 --> 01:29:16,485 (GAGS) 1515 01:29:20,088 --> 01:29:23,526 - We're sorry we lied. - We're so sorry. 1516 01:29:23,626 --> 01:29:25,861 (CROWD BOOING) 1517 01:29:25,961 --> 01:29:29,632 - Go home. - Get off the stage. 1518 01:29:31,066 --> 01:29:33,101 Let's go back to Chicago. 1519 01:29:33,201 --> 01:29:35,738 The patio door is shut and our hair is caught in it. 1520 01:29:35,838 --> 01:29:38,306 - I know. - WOMAN: Excuse me. 1521 01:29:38,507 --> 01:29:40,609 Excuse me, hello? 1522 01:29:43,245 --> 01:29:45,548 Didn't you used to work at the Slimming Salon? 1523 01:29:45,648 --> 01:29:47,550 Yes. 1524 01:29:47,650 --> 01:29:49,518 Mrs. Morse? 1525 01:29:51,954 --> 01:29:53,656 Well, I don't care what you are, 1526 01:29:53,756 --> 01:29:55,758 you always made me feel beautiful. 1527 01:29:55,858 --> 01:29:59,928 - (MURMURING) - But we thought you were men, and you're not really men. 1528 01:30:01,396 --> 01:30:03,231 Oh, honey, who is anymore? 1529 01:30:03,466 --> 01:30:05,000 (LAUGHING) 1530 01:30:05,100 --> 01:30:07,002 (CLAPPING) 1531 01:30:08,671 --> 01:30:10,506 (BOTH GIGGLE) 1532 01:30:10,606 --> 01:30:12,441 I thought something was up. 1533 01:30:12,541 --> 01:30:14,443 - Me too. - No, you didn't. 1534 01:30:14,543 --> 01:30:17,179 ROBERT: Girls, in an art form based on 1535 01:30:17,279 --> 01:30:20,148 being true to one's real self, welcome to your outing. 1536 01:30:27,990 --> 01:30:29,925 - Jeff? - Connie? 1537 01:30:30,025 --> 01:30:31,527 Oh, great, more drama. 1538 01:30:31,627 --> 01:30:34,329 - You came to my show. - I love show tunes. 1539 01:30:34,429 --> 01:30:36,131 Hey everybody, this is my brother Jeff. 1540 01:30:36,231 --> 01:30:38,467 CROWD: Hi, Jeff. 1541 01:30:39,802 --> 01:30:41,637 Hi... 1542 01:30:41,737 --> 01:30:43,906 You look... you look different. 1543 01:30:45,708 --> 01:30:47,476 Jeff, I'm a woman. 1544 01:30:47,576 --> 01:30:50,479 (LAUGHS) Oh, it's an authentic look. 1545 01:30:50,579 --> 01:30:52,615 - Yeah, but... - No, I mean I'm female. 1546 01:30:52,715 --> 01:30:55,150 We're girls, we were faking it. It's this long story... 1547 01:30:55,250 --> 01:30:57,786 Please, we've been over that. 1548 01:31:00,088 --> 01:31:01,724 Really. 1549 01:31:09,464 --> 01:31:10,766 Really? 1550 01:31:12,601 --> 01:31:16,038 - Really? - CROWD: Yes! 1551 01:31:22,778 --> 01:31:24,179 I could get used to that. 1552 01:31:25,881 --> 01:31:28,651 Jeff is the guy? 1553 01:31:28,751 --> 01:31:30,485 Yeah. 1554 01:31:30,586 --> 01:31:33,121 - You're the guy! - (CHUCKLES) 1555 01:31:33,221 --> 01:31:35,123 Well, get up here and kiss her, you fool. 1556 01:31:35,223 --> 01:31:37,025 (WHOOPING) 1557 01:31:58,981 --> 01:31:59,982 (WHISTLING) 1558 01:32:12,895 --> 01:32:15,130 - Ooh, the finale. - CROWD: What? 1559 01:32:15,230 --> 01:32:18,066 - The finale. - Oh. 1560 01:32:20,168 --> 01:32:22,838 ♪ There is nothing ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪ 1561 01:32:22,938 --> 01:32:25,774 ♪ Nothing in the world ♪ 1562 01:32:25,874 --> 01:32:28,711 ♪ There is nothing ♪ ♪ you can name ♪ 1563 01:32:28,811 --> 01:32:31,780 ♪ That is anything ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪ 1564 01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:35,483 ♪ There are no books ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪ 1565 01:32:35,584 --> 01:32:38,754 ♪ And nothing looks ♪ ♪ like a dame ♪ 1566 01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:42,758 - ♪ There are no drinks... ♪ - Carla's a big star now. 1567 01:32:42,858 --> 01:32:44,793 And I'm her boyfriend. 1568 01:32:44,893 --> 01:32:48,230 ♪ Nothing acts like a dame ♪ 1569 01:32:48,330 --> 01:32:51,499 ♪ Or attracts like a dame ♪ 1570 01:32:51,600 --> 01:32:55,470 ♪ There ain't a thing that's ♪ ♪ wrong with any man here ♪ 1571 01:32:55,570 --> 01:32:58,173 ♪ That can't be cured ♪ ♪ by putting him near ♪ 1572 01:32:58,273 --> 01:33:03,445 ♪ A girly, womanly, ♪ ♪ female, feminine... ♪ 1573 01:33:03,679 --> 01:33:04,780 (CRIES) 1574 01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:09,652 ♪ Dame ♪ 1575 01:33:09,752 --> 01:33:11,687 (APPLAUSE) 1576 01:33:11,787 --> 01:33:13,321 (BOTH LAUGH) 1577 01:33:22,665 --> 01:33:25,233 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 112711

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