Original subtitles

(Coughs)

Oh...The armor of the 8 immortals.

Hmm, doesn't seem very special.

Ehh...Heh. Housekeeping?

Heh. Termites.

Daah!

Unh. Ohh.

Aaaahhhh!

Whoa!

Uh, pass the bok choy, please?

Jackie! Aah!

You are too loud!

Uncle, you are the one who's yelling.

(Gasps)

You dishonor the only known existing relic

of the 8 immortals.

You caused me to drop it.

(Gasps) You dishonor your uncle.

Hey, Jackie.

Jade, what are you doing up?

"Old yeller" is keeping us all up.

He hasn't slept in days.

Tohru, where is my tea?

(Snores) What?

(Continues snoring)

Aiyaaa!

Uncle, why won't you sleep?

Because I have demons on the brain.

I lay down, and all I hear is...

Chi spell, chi spell, chi spell.

Have you tried counting sheep?

Demons always eat them.

Ah, well, thank you for watching Jade.

Where are you going?

We must study the immortals' armor

and discover what magic it holds.

Now? It is 3 A.M., uncle.

You should really try to sleep.

(Cell phone rings)

How can I sleep with all this noise?

Yes?

Jackie, we've spotted the dark hand.

I'm on my way.

Care to know where you're going?

I don't care. Anywhere but here.

Ok.

Whew. Uncle, I'm off to Spain.

I will call you for the chi spell

once I find out which demon we're dealing with.

Take the armor. It could be of some use.

But you have to discover what magic it holds.

How can I do that if you take it with you?

(Stammers)

Festive.

I'm telling you, Pamplona's famous for somethin'.

It must be the paella.

Oh, the thing they whack with a stick till candy comes out?

That would be a piata, ratso.

This is Spain, not Mexico.

(Grunts)

I know this place is famous for somethin'.

Shendu: Soon it will be famous for the return of dai gui,

the earth demon.

No, it won't.

(TV plays quietly)

Uncle: Jade, TV is too loud.

(Turns down volume)

Still too loud!

Grrr...

I can hear the electricity in the wires. Unplug!

(Sighs) I wish there was a way to unplug uncle.

There's gotta be a chill-pill potion in here.

Call uncle a lumberjack, 'cause he's gonna be sawing logs.

Jade, the books are laughing at me.

¶ Not for long ¶

tea, dear uncle?

Yes.

Blaaaah! Jade, this tea

tastes like it was brewed with beard of goat.

One more thing-- it is bitter.

One more thing-- it is cold!

One more thing--

(yawning)

(Snores)

Hotcha.

Hmm...

-Hak foo? -Here I am.

Chan!

Spanish mackerel technique!

Unh! Ohh!

Shendu: Stop him, you fop.

I'm trying, you old dragon.

Aah!

Shendu: Without touching the good magic.

(Both grunt)

Valmont: I've got it.

Shendu: No, you fool. It's good magic.

Shendu: Get it.

Gorilla grip. Ohh.

(People yelling)

Do you hear that, chan?

The earth demon has been released.

How can that be the earth demon, you baboon?

The portal remains to be opened.

(Yelling)

That's what Pamplona's famous for--

(rumbling)

The running of the bulls.

Yaaahhh!

Shendu: The box!

Huh? What? Oh.

Yaaahh!

Uhh! Uhh! Ohh!

Hoo-aaahhhh!

Mouse runs through maze!

(Grunting)

Hasta luego!

Wha? Huh?

Mouse takes cheese.

(Snoring)

So...How deep is the sleep?

(Clang)

Yea deep. (Telephone rings)

- Uncle's rare finds. May I help you? - Jade?

Jackie! How's Spain? You get a chance

to wear that smelly old armor yet?

No, but I did get a chance

to be bowlegged and saddle-sore.

Let me speak with uncle.

(Snoring)

Uncle's taking a nap.

Oh, that's wonderful!

(Stammering) No. Wake him up.

I need uncle here in Spain immediately.

Errrr...He...Uh...

Just went into the bathroom. You know how he gets

when you interrupt his private time.

I'll give him the message.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Earth demon?!

Uh, mm-hmm. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.

Chi spell. Mm-hmm. Yeah, ok. I'll tell him.

And how long

does the deep sleep spell last?

Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!

(Sighs)

(Snores)

We should have forced uncle to count sheep.

Sheep! Tohru, you are da bomb!

I'll use the sheep talisman

to astro-project myself into rip Van uncle's dreams.

Where you will tell him about the earth demon,

and he will offer you...

A chi spell.

Incoming!

Whoa. Sheep again.

Jade. How happy I am to see you!

You are?

You are my favorite person

in the whole wide world.

You're not uncle. What've you done with him?

Heh heh heh!

Oh, oh, Jade, you are such a card.

Heh heh heh.

(Uncle hums cheerfully)

Ha ha ha ha ha!

¶ Hee hee hee hee-hee hee-hee ¶

it's only a dream.

It's only a dream.

Just give me the ingredients to cast a spell

against the earth demon, and you can go

back to being all weird. Ok?

Oh, must I think about demons?

Happy thoughts.

Only happy thoughts.

Uncle! I need the chi spell! Now!

O...K... Little miss cranky.

First you need the symbol of the immortal

who originally defeated the earth demon.

And that would be?

A flower!

Second...

(Yawning)

You need the key ingredient

found - in every chi spell--

hair of ewe.

Didn't know my hair was so potent.

And third?

For that, I must do research.

(Yawns) After a nap.

Uncle!

Uncle!

- Grrr! - Well?

Grab Mr. happypants.

We're flying to Spain.

"Mr. happypants"?

But what if uncle does not wake in time to cast the chi spell?

We have a long flight to catch up on our research!

Black: Black.

Captain black.

I've been trying to reach you for hours.

Sorry, Jackie. Company softball game.

Guess who hit a home run.

You did? Oh, congratula--oh. No.

Listen, I need help from satellite surveillance.

I have lost valmont's trail.

Shendu: So good to see you out and about, dai gui.

Rahrr...

Too many flowers.

Dai gui does not like "pretty."

My kingdom must be submerged

into the depths of the earth.

Do not stand there!

Start digging!

D-d...Digging?

Shendu: We would be most happy to assist,

burliest of brothers, but...

We have other portals to seek,

family to release.

Rahrrr...

Very well, then.

The dirty work shall be mine alone.

Yaaahh! Aaahhh! Aaahhh!

Yaaahhh! Aaahhh! Aaahhh!

Hak foo: Antelope flee raging bull!

Ratso: Land shark!

Hmm?

Bwaahh!

Gahh!

Yeee-ohhhhh!

Yohh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Oh, ow!

Gooww!

Rahrrr...

You are either a very large grub

or this Jackie chan

of whom all demons speak.

Grub. Grub.

Consider yourself buried, Jackie chan!

Yaaahh!

Nnaaahhhh!

(Panting fearfully)

What do I have to lose?

If you have powers,

now would be a good time to demonstrate!

Look what I found.

Raahhrr!

Grub...Or flatworm?

Hah...Hah hah... Hah--huh?

Hup!

Didn't feel a thing.

(Snoring)

We got all the chi ingredients.

We're golden.

Good, because it does not seem

the sleep spell will wear off anytime soon.

About that little screwup, t...

Maybe Jackie doesn't need to know about sleeping beauty here?

But...How can Jackie not notice?

Earthquake?

Earth demon.

Raahhhrrr!

Raaahhhrrr!

Unhh!

Arrhh! Yarhh! Rahhrr!

Jackie!

Uncle!

Raahhrr!

Whoops.

Raahhrr!

Uncle! - You look rested.

Did you bring the chi spell?

(Snoring)

Yes!

Where is it? Ow!

Uh...Uncle needs preparation time.

I will keep dai gui busy.

Uhhhh!

Arrhhh!

I shall shell you of that armor.

I bet that you are soft inside...

Like a lichee nut.

Nnn...Uncle! Hurry!

Huh?

(Snoring)

Nnn...Gnhh...Duhh!

Uncle! This is no time for a nap!

No sweat, Jackie. We're just about ready to chi.

You made the chi spell?

Talk later!

And now for the hair of me.

Jade! The spell!

Hit it, t!

(Chanting like uncle)

(Chanting)

(Repeating)

Ohhh!

(Chuckles embarrassedly)

Aim still needs work.

No portal has opened.

The chi spell did not work.

Mmm...But... I followed the instructions!

Ohhh...

Dai gui does not like flowers.

Oh, no!

(Uncle yawning)

(Yawning)

Good morning, Jade!

Raahhrrr!

Aiyaaaahhh!

Uncle, we have the ingredients.

What are we doing wrong?

I see no hair of ewe.

I keep plucking, I'm gonna get a bald spot.

No, Jade. Ewe. A female sheep.

Well, there's plenty of those... In your dreams.

Wool?

(Frantic chanting)

(Joins in chanting)

(Chanting continues)

(Frantic chanting)

Uhh...Raaahhhh...

Uhhh!

Here comes my favorite part.

Dai gui: Nooooooo...

Ooooooo...

How are you feeling, uncle?

Very well... Thank you.

Except for the demon screaming in my face!

One more thing!

I told you the armor was good armor!

One more thing!

You should never question uncle!

You should've made uncle's tea stronger.

He is still cranky.

I don't think

there's enough tea in China

to simmer uncle down.

But I'll take Mr. sourpuss

over Mr. happypants any ol' day.

Hey, Jackie. How many hours a day do you work out?

That really depends. If I'm filming the whole day,

at least an hour a day.

Nothing to shoot for the next couple of days,

then at least 3 hour a day.

After you train so hard...

Ok, I have to watch...

My diet.

Nothing...Important... Than health.