All language subtitles for The Rough And The Smooth

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Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

Driver, is that your Cab outside?
─ Sorry, engaged.

Well, is there a rank anywhere around?
─ No.

Could I get one by telephone?
─ No.

Look, when you've dropped your
fare, could you come back for me?

Sorry. Going home.

Well thanks, for being the soul
of courtesy. And a great help.

Is it my fault if I happen to be booked
up before your highness come along?

Why don't you ask my passenger to share?
You never know your luck.

Yes, that's not a bad idea.
I'll have a shot. Which one is it?

Talking to the barman. Fair hair.
>> Oh yes, I see.

Excuse me, is that your Cab outside?

No .. it's mine.

Bob .. if there is any news of him
you will let me know. Promise?

I've told you I will. I'll put
it right here in the mirror.

Where you can see it from
the door when you come in.

Excuse me, I don't quite know
how to suggest this but ..

Thanks, but I never drink with strangers.

The ladies that come here sir,
like to be left in peace.

zNow look, I was only going ask
if I could share her Cab. ─ Why?

Quite obviously because I couldn't
find one myself and I'm in a hurry.

Why didn't you say
that in the beginning?

I didn't get much of a chance.

I think he's alright Ila.
This gentleman seems a gentleman.

And I don't need any references from you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to Upper Belgrave Street.

You're lucky. That's on
my way. More or less.

As a matter of fact,
I was just leaving.

I would never have asked
if it hadn't been urgent.

That's alright. Just tell the driver.

Bob .. put a fiver for me on
Silver Cloud for the 2:30 tomorrow.

Okay, but it's your money.

The Cabbie is all set.

I warn you. I use taxis
for transport only.

And what do you think I use them for?

Some men substitute
them for .. other things.

Don't worry,???? sir. These foreign
girls are more outspoken than ours.

There is no reason to think an Englishman can't keep his hands off them.

She'll be alright with me, I promise you.

7 Upper Belgrade Street please.

Is your poor opinion of men confined to this country?

Or does it extend to your own as well?

Well .. we foreigners are just as bad.

Are you something from the government?

No .. why?

You sound a little pompous.

Perhaps that because I'm not used to
being suspected of raping women on sight.

Do you care for a cigarette?
It's alright. They are not hashish.

Then, what do you do for a living?

Dig.
─ Dig? What are you? A gardener?

No. I'm an archaeologist.

My name is Ila Hansen. What's yours?
─ Thompson.

Michael.

Look Mr Thompson Michael. I am sorry if you thought me rude.

But sometimes men try things with foreign girls that they wouldn't try with their own.

Maybe I look as if I like that sort
of thing. But I am not what I look.

Oh, I can assure you, your
manner is far from encouraging.

Oh dear. I have annoyed your pride.

Are you married?

Not quite .. are you?
─ Oh no.

Is that your house?
─ Yes.

All of it?

No. I have the ground floor flat.
My parents have the rest.

It must be very expensive to run.
─ That's what my mother says every morning.

Well .. goodnight Miss Hansen.

Oh, by the way.

I can understand why you are bothered by men.
─ Oh please .. don't!

You are the most conceited ..

Thanks for the lift.

Where is the lady going, Cabbie? I'm paying for this.

Jermyn Street.

This is my taxi and I will pay for it.

Thanks for getting here on time to see me off to Switzerland on Friday.

Never mind dinner tonight.
─ I couldn't get a taxi.

You got a smasher in the end.
─ Well, darling. She gave me a lift.

And you have nothing to worry about. I told you she wasn't all that good-looking.

And what brought the
conversation around to her looks?

Your mother is already in there. Putting out your clothes.

When mother talked me into living at home, much against my better judgment.

She swore she wouldn't have a key to my flat. Didn't you, darling?

It's in case of fire,dear. Or in case you ever faint in the bath.

Well, you've only got time to faint
under a shower this evening.

What's all the rush about?

You know perfectly well Jane Mullser is opening up her barge club tonight.

Which cuff-links do you want him to wear, Margaret? The gold or the agate?

Oh, the agate.

Am I allowed to wash my own neck, or would one of you going to do it for me?

Really Michael. I don't know why Margaret puts up with you.

Neither do I, darling. Now would you mind, I would like to dress.

Thank you very much.

I'm beginning to feel a bit
nervous about tonight.

Mike sometimes tells me I maginididi

Oh don't worry. You handle
him far better than I can.

He's a dear, sweet boy but I do find him dreadfully stubborn at times.

Have we moved in on our son and heir?
─ Only temporarily.

Hello.
─ Margaret.

Had a busy day, dear?
─ Yes.

A colleague of mine got himself ..
─ Half the trouble is ..

Half the trouble is that Mike's afraid people will think he's using you to influence Lord Drewell

It's so silly. After all, he met uncle long before he met me.

Yes, but you have such a pull with him.

What were you saying, dear?

I said I murdered one of my patients this morning.

Oh, how interesting.

Well, we must be getting back upstairs.
We have some people coming.

Mike, hurry up. I'll wait in the car.

Alright. I'm coming.

The best of luck to you, and don't be nervous. I'm certain they're doing the right thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you all
to join me in drinking a toast.

To two of my dearest friends.

Who have very sweetly chosen the opening of the Barge Club to announce their engagement.

Margaret Gorhammd and Michael Johnsond.

"Asked where she and Mr Thompson
met, Miss Goreham said .."

"Actually my uncle played cupid to us".

"Mike approached him several months
ago about financing the Ark Expedition."

"And uncle wanted me to
see what I thought of him."

Miss Goreham added, eyes shining:
"I thought he was wonderful".

Ah Michael, best of luck old boy.
─ Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Congratulations Mike, I hope you'll be very happy.

Bless you, dear.
─ Morning, romeo.

Well, I gather you celebrated your engagement too well last night.

I wasn't celebrating. She sprang it on me.

And what could I do?

I couldn't stand up and say "Just a
moment. xxxxxThe lady speaks only for herself".

Good heavens, most men would jump at the chance. A lovely girl with a lovely bank balance.

And a lovely uncle.

Now listen. I like to do my own proposing and I don't want it to sound like I'm proposing to uncle.

Well, you've made all that clear. You should be flattered.

Well, I'm not.

My pride is annoyed.

Yes?

Ah Margaret .. yes ..

I think you did the right thing.

Hang on, I'll get him .. your fiancée.

Hello Margaret.

Yes dear, I have got a hangover.
How did you guess?

Yes, I know I whooped it up a bit last night. But then I don't usually get proposed to in public.

What? See who? .. What time?

Oh, good lord.

Alright, David and I will meet you at the Sunday Star offices. Goodbye.

We have a Royal command. Uncle wishes to see us at 11 o'clock at his palace.

Bravo Margaret.

We'll send out for a couple of aspirin and black coffee and we'll go and see uncle.

Hello. Sorry I'm late.
─ Ah .. at last.

How are you, darling?

I knew you'd be wearing a foul tie, so I brought you another one. Here, slip it on.

It's very sweet of you Margaret, but I think I prefer the one I'm wearing.

Was there ever such a stubborn boy?

Give it to me. I always take presents from beautiful girls.

Thank you, Margaret.

Just pass on anything else he spurns.

Lord Drewell will see you now.

Come on.

Wait.

Hello uncle.

Your engagement suits you dear. You look charming.

Congratulations .. a man must be
something special to get a niece of mine.

Good afternoon.
─ Good afternoon, sir.

What is your name?
─ David Fraser, sir.

Sit down.

Now about this ark. You sure it did fetch up on Mount Ararat?

No, of course not. Otherwise there would be no point in going to look for it.

People have searched for it before and failed, haven't they?

Yes sir, there have been
several extremely scholarly men ..

I'm not interested in scholars. I'm only interested in results.

Then you may be disappointed. Because there won't be enough left to relaunch it with a bottle of champagne.

I don't care for flippancy.

The bible is a best-seller, apparently rightly.

And Noah's ark, is Noah's ark.

Not until it is proved.

Mike isn't flippant, uncle.

It's just his way of putting things. Isn't it, darling?

He'd better start putting them differently
if he wants to get on with me.

Mis goss, Maps ..
─ Yes, Lord Drewell.

I'm used to .. putting places
on the map, not finding them.

Now, where is it?

Show it me there.

It's here sir. In Soviet Armenia.

Do you anticipate having any trouble with the Russian authorities?

Nothing that can't be fixed. Miss HOggs, fix it.
─ yes, Lord Drewell.

You're doing your best to ruin everything I've done for you, aren't you.

No darling, I'm not. But I just can't bear having everything done for me.

Well, have you decided to cooperate?

It was my idea if you remember.
─ It's mine now.

It's going to be called "The Drewell Expedition".

"The Drewell Ark Expedition."

"Drewells .."

Please, uncle. Not "Drewell's Ark".

After all, it was Noah's first.

Alright, I can handle a leg-pull.
Alright, I'll back it.

It's the Soviet Embassy, Lord Drewell.
─ Tell them to wait.

Now in return, you give me full recognition for making it possible.

And a series of 12 articles with illustrations.

I can't write and David can't draw.
─ We'll handle that. Just give us the facts.

Miss HObvfds, Puty Ratzo on to it.
─ H's already here Lord Drewell.

Send him in.
─ Yes, sir.

Just give us the facts for three preliminary articles.a

Make it sound human, make it sound dangerous.

I'll whip up a big interest.

Britain first to find the Ark and all that. Hmm?

I'll probably get a knighthood. Ah, Ransome.

Ransome. This is Mr Thompson who is going to lead the Drewell Expedition.

How do you do.

He'll be sending you 12 articles which you'll have to knock into shape here.

But I understood you were sending me out to cover it personally.

I can change my mind, can't I?

How soon can you let me have those preliminary articles?

There is a great deal of material to sort and select.

Well, sort and select double quick. I want time for a big campaign.

Ransome, give him a cup of coffee downstairs and exchange a few ideas.

Thank you.

Well .. goodbye my pet.
─ Goodbye, uncle.

It's up to your fiancée now.

Goodbye, sir.

Mis hossgs. Gert me the Soviet Embassy

Good evening. Scotch, please. A large one.

Evening.
─ Evening, sir.

Thank you.

Make it another will you.
─ Yes, sir.

Hello there.
─ Oh .. hello.

Did you win today.
─ Yes, I won a double. It is wonderful.

Marvelous.

Now tell me .. who is Barker?
─ Who are you? A snooper?

My dear girl, you forget you are in London now.

Scotland Yard, Sherlock Holmes, the Hound of the Baskervilles.

You followed me!

Oh my dear Miss Watson, it was much more elementary than that. Look.

Barker. 35B Barrington Court.

And you see, I knew your name was Hansen.

Barker is my girlfriend's name.
The one I share the flat with.

I've been reading about you in the newspapers today.

Congratulations on your engagement.
─ Thank you very much.

I dare say ??????

I came here hoping to see you.

Taxi trouble again?
─ No.

But i thought that since I brought you rather a lot of luck today you might like to take me out to dinner.

What about your fiancée?

She's got another date.

She could still mind if you had one.

Well, she's a very broadminded girl.

You are lucky. I am not.

And I'm not married yet.

You won't be if you go on like this.

You know, you were very rude to me last night.

Was I?
─ You most certainly were.

Then you are going to have to come and have dinner with me just to prove that I didn't deserve it.

And I, of course, shall behave like the perfect, straight-laced English gentleman.

I like you. You are nice.

How much do I owe you, guv?
─ Eight and fourpence please, sir.

But remember.
─ Of course.

No funny business.
It is engraved on my heart.

Let's go, I'm hungry. I was born hungry.

Oh well, have a crisp.
─ Thank you .. bye Bob.

Enjoy yourselves.

Say something, Ila.

Tell me something about your girlfriend. Although I warn you that I couldn't be less interested.

Well, what would interest you?
─ Oh that's quite easy.

You and me. For instance, where do we go from here?

You asked me about my girlfriend.

Well, alright. Tell me, what colour are the beastly Miss Barker's eyes?

Blue .. no ..

It's funny. I don't know.
─ Good.

I'm no bargain, am I?
─

You give me a wonderful dinner ..
─ My dear Ila ..

I have given four square meals a day and a glass of milk stout at 11 and some girls still say "no".

That poor man wants to go home.

It's so nice of you to be so sorry for him, but I wish you could spare a bit for me.

It is sheer sadism to break up the party now.

What is sadism?

I think you should come back with me. And
I can look it up in my German dictionary.

A dictionary dico ?????

Oh, smart girl.

Yes, but it is more original.

No. I must go home. My girlfriend will be worried.

Well then, give her a ring.
─ No, she might not be home yet.

Well then, why should she be worried?

My parents live in the flat above and if you should get into any kind of .. trouble ..

I'll give you a broom and you can knock on the ceiling.

Alright.

Waiter .. waiter!

The kitchen.

My living room.

The bedroom.

Now, if I may have your coat.

Well, what do you think of it?
─ It is lovely.

But I don't hear any footsteps.
Where are your parents?

My dear girl, they don't walk in their sleep.

Make yourself at home.

Have a broom.
─ What's that for?

As we discussed. If you stand on my shoulders, you should be able to reach the ceiling.

Now then, what about a glass of cherry brandy?

I don't think I should. I'm not used to drink.
─ But my dear girl, this won't hurt you.

No. Really, I don't want.
─ Oh, alright.

Ahem, may I be allowed to sit beside you?
─ Sure.

Thank you.

Am I allowed to put my arm around you?

Provided it stays there.

You know what I would really like to have?

What?
─ Coffee.

It will be a pleasure. It is one of my specialties.

That is Margaret's ring.

And where were you going?

look, would you do me a favor, Ila?

Would you mind going into the bedroom. Just for one moment.

Thank you.

And about time.

I kept a place for you at the Barge Club this evening.

I told you I wasn't coming.
─ I know.

I thought good manners might have made you think twice.

Everyone was asking after you.

What are you reading these days.

Oh .. Ladykillers ..

Sorry to run out on you. Call me some time but not before 11 in the morning.

Miss Barker likes to sleep late.

Love Ila.

Who is Ila? Who is Miss Barker?

They are business friends of David's.

They've got desperately feminine handwriting.

Will you give it to me, please?

Most friends don't usually sign themselves "with love" do they?

Then I suppose it depends on the type of business.

I don't like being questioned, Margaret.

That's a pity, because that
is just what I've come to do.

For heaven's sake, don't wake up the whole household.

Darling, I was so unhappy about your not coming to the club tonight ..

That I'm afraid I drank rather a lot of champagne.

Have you any coffee?

look, Margaret.
─ Your coffee is a dream.

I always adore it.

Goodness, that was quick.

I had just made one for myself.

I didn't want you to think that I'm saying what I've come to say.

I'm getting influenced.

Couldn't it wait until the morning? After all, it is pretty late.

Come and sit by me.

There isn't an awful lot of room.

Putting your arms around me would be rather encouraging.

Are you still mad at me for springing the engagement on you?

I should still have preferred to have been consulted.

I've told you Margaret. I don't like being managed.

Alright, I'll do everything you want,
starting from now.

I think you ought to go home.

Sorry. Can't help you there. I've come to stay.

Don't tell me my suggestion shocks you?

If so, it is a bit late in our relationship.

Mike, what's the matter?

What's happened to us?

Margaret, I need time to think this whole thing over.

Because I'm not at all sure that it isn't a mistake.

Very well. I won't go on throwing myself at people.

But I warn you, if I go now I may never come back.

You made the ultimatum.

I'm beginning to think "this whole thing"
as you call it, is a mistake.

Please don't try being a gentleman. It doesn't suit you.

As you know, I'm going to
Switzerland tomorrow.

I'll be at the Grand Hotel St Moritz, if you care to telephone.

And I may, or I may no

Are you sure you are safe enough to drive?
─ Don't start worrying about me.

I may have seemed a little high before, but I'm certainly sober now.

She has drunk my coffee.

Could we have the music louder, please?
─ Certainly.

I couldn't see all of her through the keyhole, but what I saw of her was quite attractive.

The bit you didn't see is even better.

Then, why didn't you want to make love to her?

You must have had quite a job getting your ear as well as your eye to the keyhole.

I managed.

Shall I tell you why you sent her away?

Please do.

There are various reasons.

Your guess is as good as mine.

I can tell you in one word.

Me.

You've suddenly become very sure of yourself.

You found you didn't love her. Wasn't that it?

I don't know.

I don't know .. I thought I did.

Now, I don't know what to think.

I can't straighten myself out at all.

An arm around me would be rather encouraging.

I have to pay you a compliment, Miss Hansen.

You are a little .. bitch.

You didn't want her to stay
because you didn't want me to go.

I think we ought to fix that.

A little while I go, you
were walking out on me.

Are you still sorry that I changed my mind?

No, I'm not.

Would you help me to take my shoes off?

And my earrings, please.

And my necklace, please.

You want me to stay .. don't you?

Yes.

That's me .. purring.

I purr rather well, don't you think?

Cat's have been known to scratch.

I do that well, too.

You know what I really would like to have?

What?
─ Coffee.

Anything else?
─ Yes.

Just for once.

I would like to have a little
cherry-brandy with it. So.

Uhuh.

Acvec ervice??? madame.

You like your coffee strong?

I don't think I want coffee at all.

You change your mind quite a lot, don't you.

Mike, it feels good to be near to you.

I'm still too far away to know.

Tell me .. why can't Miss Barker be woken before 11?

She's a telephonist. She works a night-shift.

Is she nice?

We get on alright.

She's a funny girl in some
ways .. but we get on alright.

Good.

Can I have a cigarette, please?

Mike, you must find me very strange.

I do indeed.

I think sometimes I am strange, too.

Maybe you think, it is just an act
that I am playing hard to find.

Hard to get.
─ Hmm. Thank you.

But it isn't that.

Sometimes I don't know what it is myself and then I think .. that I do, and that worries me even more.

When I was 16 we lived in Frankfurt. The country was occupied, food was short.

My father was dead and my mother had to earn a living as best she could. Only perhaps ..

"Best" was not the right word for it.

One night my brother brought a man into my room.

My mother didn't stop him and I screamed for help.

But no-one came.

But that is terrible.
─ Yes.

But wait.

I cried and I cried afterwards.

I couldn't eat for days.

When I went out on the street I felt dirty.
Dirty and stared at.

That's easy to understand.

Is it?

I wonder.

Because.

Mike .. this was the most terrible thing that ever happened to me.

It was cruel. It hurt me so much that I ..

Felt as if mountains had crashed on me, but Mike ..

I felt .. and I've never felt so much again.

It must have been a dreadful shock to you.

Yeah. But it is even more of
a shock .. notto feel again.

And all the time I'm looking
for the same emotion.

Frightened of finding it, but I'm more frightened of not finding it.

Mike.

Do you know?

That if I would see this man.

This man .. my brother brought into my room that night.

I'm afraid that I might find that I love him.

Do you understand?

Will you call me a taxi please?

Where are my shoes?

Why don't you call me a taxi?

You hurt me.

I don't care.

Good morning, good morning, good morning.
─ One will do me, thank you.

By the way .. Margaret called on me last night.

Yes, she called on me, too.

She says she can't understand what's happening between you.

Asking if there was someone else.

I managed to reassure her
on that score at least.

You should have checked
with me first, David.

What do you mean?

Margaret only wants me
as a good yes-man to uncle.

Nonsense .. she loves you for yourself.

Listen, David.

I have met somebody else.
Somebody who really needs me.

Not like Margaret. She's always
had everything. What can I do?

Try treating her decently.

Tell me.

Do I know this other person?

No, you haven't met her yet .. but you will.

Oh, blast .. I'm not supposed to call
before eleven, and it's only ten to.

You realize that this might be the finish of our expedition?

It's some wretched Miss Barker who likes to sleep late.

Well, it is too bad about Miss "B".

Hello.

Who is that speaking, please?

Mister Barker?

Well I really want to speak to Miss Hansen.

Oh yes, I see.

By the way, I hope I didn't wake up Miss Barker.

There is no Miss Barker?

But Miss Hansen lives there, doesn't she?

Yes. I see.

Thank you very much.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

What do you think about the plank of wood of mine? Is it really pre-Moses?

Or just a bit of post-Chippendale?
─ Have a look for yourself.

It could be the Ark.

Old enough for Methuselah.

David.
─ Yes?

How accurate is this carbon-dating process of yours?

Well, I've just told you.

Have you?

Oh yes, so you did. I'm sorry.

Look, you're not doing so good a job on concentrating this morning.

Like to pack up for the day?
─ Certainly not. I'm perfectly alright.

Is that telephone call still worrying you?

Who said it worried me in the first place?

You should have seen your face.

David, would you do something for me?
─ Yes.

Come over here, will you.

You see that girl down there?

Yes.

Well, that's the one.

Would you go down and tell her I never want to set eyes on her again.

Won't she want to know the reason why?

Tell her I woke up Mr Barker by mistake.

Alright.

Meet you at the Pub for lunch?

No thanks, I think I'll stay in.
I'll send out for sandwiches.

I'm pushing off now. You coming?

No, You'd better go ahead of me.

Don't tell me that girl
is still waiting out there?

Well yes .. but it is not that. It's just ..

The cheeky ..

It was very nice of your boyfriend to lend you to me last night.

you might thank him for me.
─ He's not my boyfriend. He's my boss.

Look, I've been waiting around for you all day long. Just to see you.

Why did you bother to lie to me in the first place?

Because I wanted you to get to know him first.

I was going to try to arrange for you two to meet, and then tell you.

Is he married?
─ No.

How old is he?
─ Twenty-four.

Is he attractive?
─ Madly.

Then why aren't you in love with him?
─ Who says I'm not?

I had a hunch you weren't
coming back so I brought this.

Oh. Thanks, David.

I told him I wouldn't come back without you.

Taxi .. taxi!

What is he? A hunter?

Only in the Portobello Road. But he'd love you to think he shot everything.

Reg.

Here I am.

Reg Barker. Mike Thompson.

How do you do?
─ How are you?

What's the matter. Didn't Ila tell you about me?

Oh yes .. she was very complimentary.

I hear you've been jumping to conclusions.

Well, it wasn't very far to jump, was it?
─ No.

Look at her .. look at me.

Now look at us .. I'd say it was a pretty good job, wouldn't you?

Yes Mr Barker, but you must admit.

It still rather an unconventional setup.
─ Come on. Let's all have a drink.

Sit down, Mike.
─ Thank you.

It's a little tricky without stirrups.
─ It won't throw you.

What will it be? I've got everything.

I'd like some whiskey, please.
─ A tomato juice for me, Reg.

Yes, I know. Well, what do
you think of my place, Mike?

It's all his taste. I didn't
have a say in it.

I thought the whole thing up myself.

Well, I can safely say I've never
seen anything like it before.

There you are, Ila.
She thinks it's vulgar.

[ telephone ]

Where is it? Oh.

Yeah? Oh it's hot, is it?

Well, if it is hot now, it will be a lot hotter later.

Okay, okay. Wait until it boils.

Right.

That's going to turn out to be quite a
deal if that fellow doesn't lose his nerve.

Anxious. That's what they get.

I say, listen. This is my office up here. This is my accountant.

That's where I have to live the whole
time and I don't worry .. no fuss.

What is your line of business, Mr Barker?

Well, you might say that I'm a junk man.

I buy and I sell.

I'd buy her if I could, but I wouldn't sell. Ha!

I just bought 10,000 bicycles.

This guy, this jerk that I'm talking to.

He gets anxious. But I say not to fuss.

You buy for six and you sell for seven.
That's smart business.

For Pete's sake, Reg.

She don't like business.

You know when I find out I'm getting old?

When I see a sexy kid and her boyfriend dancing together and I say ..

Let them have fun.

Well, I don't think you'll ever be past fun, Mr Barker.

Always the English gentleman.

Oh, the name is "Reg".

That's my philosophy.

I guess you are wondering what I get out of this with Ila?

Well, I don't get lonesome.
But that is about all there is to it.

He also gets a secretary he can work overtime.

Oh yes, I get my pound of flesh.

Only I don't get it in flesh. Ha!

She thinks I laugh too loud.

I only don't want you to shatter your beloved ship.

Yeah, that's right. Come here Mike. I want you to see this.

Something I treasure more than any other treasure I've got in this dump.

Well, don't you like it?
─ I would like to smash it pieces.

Oh.

I agree with you, Reg .. I would trade that for everything else in this room.

My old man gave that to me when I was a kid.

Amazing, the skill that goes into making these things.

Mike .. I like you.

I could get used to you too, Reg.

Over here.

That's Ila's room.

And over here.

This is my room.

And never the twain shall meet.

Ila. ─ What?
─ You know something?

Tonight, we're going to go out and celebrate.

This, I will drink to.
─ And so will I.

My name is Barker.
─ Oh yes, Mr Barker.

Table number seven.
─ We want the best you've got.

We server nothing but the best here, sir.

I hope you can prove that.

You picked us a very nice table, Jeeves.

Maybe that isn't his name?

Reg, it is bad luck to put a shoe on a table.

Oh I don't believe in those corny omens.

What about you, Mike? Are you scared of them?

Me? Never.

Hey, Mac ..

Hey ..

Oh there you are.

Well, bring on the champagne.
I've brought my own glass.

And bring us a double order of Blitzers and caviar right away.

Very good, sir.

I beg your pardon.

Why? What did you do?

Oh .. excuse me.

Really.
─ Oh, really ..

That kind of a guy always kills me.

You kill so easily, Reg. You are like a kid.

Well, at least I'm not a mixed-up one.

It is no sin to get a kick out of things.

For instance, I get one hell of kick out of just watching you two kids.

I've had enough sex to last me a lifetime.

So, what do I do? Sit back in a
wheelchair and rot? Uhuh .. not me.

I stay young just watching you two.

Go on Mike. Give her a kiss.

Reg!
─ Give me something to watch.

It will be a pleasure.

Doesn't that melt your stony heart?

Yes, sir.

It's no good Reg. You are obviously not his type.

Or he's just playing hard to get.

Hey, Betty.

Hey, Betty.

I got a little business with this guy.
Hey. Hold it.

You see that bald-headed little fellow
sitting over there in the corner?

Are you referring to his grace the Duke of Solchester, sir?

No, not the one eating the peas off his knife. The other guy.

The gentleman's name, sir?
─ Piggy.

And yours, sir?

Reg.

I'm beginning to reach him. Next thing you know, he'll ask for my phone number.

Excuse me, sir. The gentleman at the table over there wishes to speak to you.

Hello.

Will you wait for me, five minutes?

I waited two years for
you to come out, didn't I.

Hello, how are you? Good to see you.
Kids, this is a friend of mine. Piggy.

How do you do?

Hey "sense of humour". A chair for the Duke.

There you are. Sit down, Piggy.

Did you ever hear of Luxo-Touch?
─ What?

Luxo-Touch. Short for "Luxury of Touch".

No, I didn't know.
─ This is new material, a real revolution.

He's so right.

It is softer than a woman's skin.

Come on. Let's dance.

You kids may have to carry on by yourselves. I'll pop over to see some of Piggy's junk.

But don't worry about this.
I'll take care of it.

Alright Reg. Thanks.
We'll see you later.

You are going to lose your secretary aren't you.

I wouldn't keep her by locking her up.

I want to kiss you.
─ Why don't you?

What, here?
─ Scared?

Don't be ridiculous. I'm petrified.

Well, fancy seeing you here.
What's your beautiful fiancée doing?

My dear Jane. I haven't
faintest idea. I'm not psychic.

This is Barnaby Montague Jones.
─ Hello.

We came here to see the floor-show. We thought it might do for the barge.

We missed you there last night.

Margaret was missing you too.

How ghastly it must be for you to be
kept so busy on uncle's "articles".

What's that?
─ Yes, darling.

And she's always been one.

You are shivering.
─ You forget.

I spent half a day waiting for you in the street.

It makes me feel cold inside.

I can think of warmer places.

I'd like you to come away with me.
If only for a couple of days.

Oh Michael, I would love that.
I haven't been to the country for ages.

Oh darling, just a minute.
─ Yes? ─ I almost forgot.

Here.

When you get back, I'll buy you a legal one.

Thank you.

But if you buy me a legal one, it has
to be smaller. This one may slip off.

Well, you'll have to keep your
finger crooked for now. Come on.

Thank you.

Don't forget, we're booked
in as Mr and Mrs Grange.

No, I won't.

Thank you.

Mr and Mrs Grange?
─ Yes?

I tried to ring you but I couldn't
find you in the telephone book.

You wouldn't. We are ex-directory.

I wanted to tell you that the room I
was going to put you in is flooded.

Our pipes have burst and I'm afraid there is no water. I'll have to put you in number 11.

What's that? The punishment block?
─ Why, certainly not.

It is just a smaller accommodation.

Oh.

Thank you.

I think .. I've got much thinner lately.

Show Mr and Mrs Grange to number 11.
─ Thank you.

Michael, it is bitter.
There must be a fire somewhere.

There you are, son. Thank you.

And this is the fire.
─ Oh.

There is a nice, big open one downstairs.
But there are also people.

If I am not going to be
warm soon, I will die.

There is only one place to keep a woman warm.

Oh.

Ah!

May I?
─ Please.

Thank you.

Good.

The trouble with you women is .. you won't wear anything sensible.

What you really need is a nice, warm, woolly pullover.

This wouldn't keep a brass monkey warm.

Or that.

Hello.

And who is this handsome brute?

None of your business! My past.

I merely enquired. I should
like to see it. Show it to me.

No .. no.

Let me see.
─ No, Mike. No, I don't want you to.

No, Mike. No.

[ door knocks ]

No .. please .. Mike.

No .. no, Mike.

I'm afraid we've rationed the hot water.

Cold mutton and beetroot for lunch.
My cook has the flu.

We're not really hungry.

And we had a very nice wash
this morning. Thank you.

lunch will be served between one and two.

Now, where is it?

You beautiful, blond, bitch.

You certainly brought me to a nice, warm, cheerful spot.

Well, let's go back to that nasty, cold little room.

And keep warm.
─Good.

Mrs .. Grange?
─ Yes?

There is a message for you.

Will you ring a Mr Bob at The Lion. It is urgent.

What's all that about?

I placed a bet before I left.
It might mean I've won a double.

You are incorrigible. I'll see you upstairs. Don't be long and good luck.

Mister Grange?

Your wife has been called back to London.

To London?

Did she leave a message?
─ She said she would telephone you later.

Oh yes. Yes .. I'm ..

Thank you.

Early this afternoon, the Flying Squad made a raid on a cargo ship that just docked from the Far East.

It is alleged that they were given information about an illegal cargo of drugs onboard.

The ship's officers helped the Police to search the vessel.

It is understood that nothing was found,
but the purser was detained for questioning.

Drugs, eh?

You know, if he's that sort of bloke,
you shouldn't be tied up with him.

I am tied up with him.
I can't help it.

As long as I can remember, he belongs to me.

Bu the treats you so badly.

I remember that day you came in here with a black eye and bruises all over you.

I annoyed him that day,
and he lost his temper.

He is terribly strong and he can't control himself.

I just can't help loving him, Bob.

Oh well. I suppose it is a matter of taste.

Well, I'd let the Cops get him if I was you.
─ Don't speak like that in front of me.

But if you think like that,
I'm going to tell him.

Ila, please don't .. oh, here he is.

Jack darling, I'm so glad ..
─ Keep your voice down and don't make a scene here.

I'm so glad they let you go.

Did they follow you?

Do they suspect you?
─ I hope not.

I was lucky .. boy, was I lucky.

I managed to flush the stuff down the drain.
─ Thank heavens.

Nothing to thank heaven for, Ila.

look .. I've got to have £1,500 by tomorrow morning.

Don't ask stupid questions.

I've got to replace the stuff I threw away.

I'll get my throat cut if I don't go back with the money. You've got to get it for me.

Yes, but .. £1,500?

Where can I get that?
─ That's your business.

You want to see me live, don't you?

You don't want to see me floating
down the river with my throat cut.

Don't talk like that.
─ Then get it.

Good evening.

Where are you staying?
─ The same place.

Wait there. I'll come as soon as I can.

Here Bob .. a pint of bitter please.

David!

David, I want to explain to you.
─ Why to me?

I should have thought you would
have made that explanation to Mike.

How do you know I haven't already?

You don't think I am good
enough for Mike .. do you?

He had an appointment with Lord Drewell
this afternoon and he chucked it for you.

I had my reasons for not going.
─ Yeah .. I saw you.

Just because you saw me with a man in a pub doesn't mean I'm having an affair with him.

No, but if you're supposed to be with Mike, I can draw my own conclusions.

So .. what are you going to tell him?
─ Tell him?

I shall tell him that he couldn't have
made a worse choice than you.

He wouldn't believe you
And you know .

You could be wrong, my friend.
─ Could I?

If I were to ask you to come back with me now to my flat ..

You would say yet, just to keep my mouth shut, wouldn't you?

Why don't you ask me .. and see if you're right.

I suppose I should apologise.

But I'm not going to.

Because I think I can see through you now.

You get a kick out of being hurt, don't you.

I've been hurt many times.

I don't cry easily.

I'm used to being hurt.

It's part of life.

Is that the kind of life the
guy in the Pub gives you?

I have news for you Mr Smartie.

I shall tell you who he is.
It will interest you.

That guy in the Pub .. is my brother.

If you don't believe me, just ask him.
He'll tell you that I am his sister.

Mike is going to be terribly shocked
if you tell him I have a brother.

Aye, fifteen years in the wet-fish trade and ten in the fried.

And look at me now.

What is wrong with you?

There is nowt wrong with me, lad.
I'm a millionaire.

I could write you a cheque for five
figures here and now. And not miss it.

Well, you do that while I go and make a phone-call.

Here, what's up with that lad?
Why is he glum?

I don't know. He spends his whole time in that phone box.

I think he's expecting his wife.

Reg? Mike again.

Any news?

Fine, thanks.

What happened to you?
Where have you been all day?

I'm sorry.

I can explain everything.
─ It had better be good.

Well, well. So this is the missus, eh?
He's been fretting over you, love.

WE haven't had a smile out of him all day.

My name is Catch. Willie Catch.

How's that for the fish trade, eh?
Come on over and meet the folk.

This is .. Wanda.

And Lucille.

This is Joe, Wanda's brother. He's not half a scream, Joe.

What say we join up and have a party?
─ No. Thanks Mr Catch, we have something to talk about.

If you'll excuse us.

I reckon she's wasted on him.

We'll take the set dinner.

What a dreadful little man.
─ Now, please.

Don't tell me that you got held up in a traffic jam.

Or that you had to go to your Gran's funeral or that you had such a sick headache that you couldn't phone me. Or Reg.

My brother came back.

The one who brought a friend in to rape you?

I should have thought five minutes of his company would have been enough.

We have forgotten about all that. We had to.

We've only got each other left.

He came to tell me that my mother is dead.

It was some time ago, but Jack couldn't find me.

Oh, darling.

I'm very sorry.

Why didn't you tell me?

Now look, why don't you two change your minds and come and join us at ???

The show there will make you scream.
─ Thank you, but we don't want to scream.

Alright, I know when I'm not wanted.
─ It's a talent.

What's wrong with him?
─ Nowt.

he's had fifteen years in Wet-Fish
trade and ten years in Fried.

And he's offered to write me a cheque for five figures.

He's that rich?
─ He's a millionaire.

Darling.

I'm really very sorry about your mother.

She hadn't been well for some time. Mike ..

Would you do me a favour?
─ Of course. If I can.

Could you lend me £1,500?

£1,500?

Who do you think I am? Willie Catch?
─ But your father is rich, isn't he?

Yes darling, but even he would
want to know what I wanted it for.

It's my mother .. she left some bad debts.

With the compliments of Mr Catch, sir.

Where are you going?
─ Well, I have to thank Mr Catch.

If you go over there, I'm going upstairs.
─ You're just a snob not to like Mr Catch.

Come along. Come and join us.

Take a seat, lady. That's right

Come on, Michael.

Mike?

Mike!

I want to talk to you.

Let me in.

I want to talk to you.

I've told them to move you into room 15.

Let me in. I want to talk to you.

Don't make so much noise out here.

I don't want to talk to you.

I see Mr Catch wasn't mean with his liquor.

Mr Catch was mean with everything.

Does that mean that he wouldn't
weigh in with a five-figure cheque?

He said we'd talk about it some time .. in Paris.

I'm not surprised. I'm going to
take you back to your room.

Ouch! ─ What's the matter?
─ Nothing.

If you take me to that other room, I'll scream.

Oh Mike, I know what I did was dreadful. I could die when I think of it.

Just don't look at me, sneering like that.

I know it was disgusting, the way I behaved.

David warned me about you.

David.

A friend of yours?

Maybe I should warn you about him.

He made a pass at me.

I met him on the street and he asked me to go back to his flat.

What do you think of that?

You are very attractive.

Why shouldn't he ask you to go back to his flat?

Oh Mike .. I was desperate.

I just had to try something when you wouldn't help me.

I wasn't going to offer myself to this, this ..

Fish catch-man.

Somehow, it looked like it.

Oh my darling, I love you, don't I?

Would I act like that right under your nose?

I was going to try to put him on to a deal with Reg and maybe he would advance me some money.

Mike, I was desperate.

I just had to try anything I could.

Because of your mother's debts?

It was a lie .. about my mother.

It is for Jack, my brother.
He is in the most terrible jam.

Mike, I am scared of him. I didn't knock into anything. Jack did this.

If I hadn't said I'd get the money,
I think he'd have broken my neck.

Why didn't you tell me?

Now listen to me .. I'm going to tell you something.

Ever since we first met, you've done nothing but tell me lies.

And from here on, I don't
believe another word you say.

She's gone. She took the first train.

Thank you.

Mike.

I just wanted to make sure.

You whore!

I told Margaret the whole thing.

I must say she was wonderful about it.

I knew she would be.

I made a fool of myself about that girl, didn't I.

Just one of the occupational hazards of youth, my lad.

Do you know, she even tried to kid me that you made a pass at her.

You didn't believe her, did you?
─ What?

I might have been mad about her, but I wasn't that mad.

Yes?

Waht?

No, I certainly won't.

And what's more, I don't want to hear any more from you, or that little tart you live with.

Mike, it is the last favour I'll eve ask you .. I've got to see you.

I give you my word she is not here.

Hello Mike.
─ Hello Reg.

Come on in.

Oh, you didn't tell me what you thought of my trophies.

I shot it in the Portobello Road for ten and sixpence.

Drink?

What will it be, scotch?
Scotch it is.

Oh, do you know something funny about Ila?

She says she drinks nothing but tomato juice.

What a laugh.

Do you know what it's like to be a broken-down old guy with nothing but six telephones?

No, of course you wouldn't.
Why should you?

Your time hasn't come to that yet.

Once upon a time, we won't say what time.

I had it! I was it.

The girls went for me, too.
That kills you, doesn't it?

I was so damned sure of myself,
I didn't give a damn.

My wife, she sued me for mental cruelty.

My kids ..

Well, my son is some kind of a scientist.
I wouldn't know about that.

My daughter? I wouldn't know where she is.

I had the ugliest mug in history, and women went for it.

Now that I find the one woman I really want, I don't have it any more.

This is Ila. You can't touch her.

She's under a glass case.
Smash it, and you've lost her.

So we have to be very careful how we handle her.

One slip, and you could never put the pieces together again.

So you're here to ask how come I helped her to trick you?

I came because you asked me to, Reg.
─ You think I wasn't jealous of you?

I was sick to my stomach with it.

So sick I had a real pain in my belly.

Ila's young .. she is beautiful.

She's rare .. she's everything I want to hold on to.

You think I just have to order it,
and a waiter brings it?

No .. those days are gone.

Now I have to roll in the dirt to keep it.

So now you ask if I feel that way about her?

How come I tolerate you?

You or anybody else she wants to sleep with.

The answer is simple, Mike. I have to.

an old geezer like says "yes",
or he loses her.

But why should you understand?

A nice guy like you?

I have to play her game to keep her.

How much lower can you fall?

Reg .. I had no idea that you had that sort of feeling for her.

If I had, I would never have ..
─ Not to fuss, brother. Not to fuss.

If it hadn't have been you, it would have been someone else.

I love her, Mike.

I love her so much I couldn't stand to lose her.

If I loser her, what have I got?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Take it easy, Reg.

There is no reason why she should leave you.

This morning she said she was going to leave me unless I have her £1,5000 quick.

Do you know what I did? I gave it to her.

I haven't got that much money in the bank, but I wrote out a cheque.

I've been all morning, trying to cover that cheque.

You see, the bicycles didn't pay off after all.

And Peggy's deal didn't come through yet.

Ila, listen to me.

It's like I was telling Mike. Peggy's deal didn't come through yet.

You knew there wasn't enough money to cover it, didn't you?

You knew it when you gave it to me.

Ila, I'll get it through for you.
I give you my word I will.

Your word is about as good as your cheque! It bounces.

I'll give it to you in a few days.
Just give me a few more days.

I haven't got a few more days.
I have to have it now.

You said you loved me. You promised
to help me, but you cheated and lied!

Ila, I love you.

This morning you let me think I was going to be happy.

I was so grateful I kissed you.
And I meant that kiss.

I would have come back to you like I always do. We could have been like we always were.

But now, you have cheated me!

You've no right to talk about cheating.

And you are no better than him.

You could have let me have the money, and even if you haven't got it, your rich friends have.

I don't want to hear any more about you or your brother.

My brother! Ha!

You tell him about my brother.

Alright .. if you don't, I will.

He is my lover.

There is no other man in the world for me. There never has been and there never will be.

I would cut my throat if he asked me to.

You knew that too, I suppose?
─ Sure he knew.

Nobody exists for me besides Jack.
Do you hear? Nobody!

Oh, I hate you.

I hate the sight of both of you.

Ila, don't!

Now, why did she have to do that?

Do you still want her back, Reg? After that?

If I haven't got her, I've got nothing.

It was £1,500 she wanted, wasn't it?

Here you are, Reg.

You can pay me back when the deal comes through.

But remember, it is for your sake. Not for hers, you understand?

Thanks Mike .. I'll never forget you for this.

Not to fuss, Reg .. not to fuss.

He's dead.

Reg Barker.

He shot himself. It was all my fault. Look.

Who cares?

I drove him to it for your sake.

Did you get the money?

He really did care for me,
and I didn't care back for him.

Look, forget about him.
Did you get the cash?

I told you, the cheque bounced.

And I told you not to come back here without the money.

I promised I'd try everything, but this time it didn't work.

You little idiot. You messed it up, as you always do.

Jack darling. I've done so many things for you I've never done for anyone else before.

Let me come away with you.
We could get married.

Are you crazy?
─ Just take me with you.

Don't leave me behind you again, Jack. Please!

Look, I told you, I'm sick of you.

You're not good to me.
You can't even get me out of a jam.

I brought so much to you, so much from poor Reg.

So much from others. Everything I've had I've given you.

I have cheated and lied for you.

Yeah, two rich boyfriends and you can get me enough money to stop me getting my throat cut.

You are not going to leave me.

Sure I am .. from now on I'm going to work out my problems my own way.

You have got to take me with you this time. Please!

Now, listen.

Just because I was the first man
to make you feel anything.

It isn't just that. I love you, Jack. I love you!

Love?

Look, I've had you hanging around
my neck since you were sixteen.

You bored me then, and you bore me even more now.

But you are the only man I've ever loved. I'll never love another man again.

Lucky for them.
─ Jack.

Gert out of my way.

I won't let you go. I'll never give you up.

I said, get out of my way.

I've had enough. You understand?

We're through!

Jack!

Jack!

I'll get the money. I'll get it somehow.

And I'll find you wherever you are.

Jack.

Jean, where have we seen this fellow before?
I'm sure we've met him somewhere.

Good Lord, yes. I know that face.

"The Police found a note on the mantelpiece addressed to M".

"Have burnt your cheque. Not to fuss."

What an extraordinary message.

Have you seen this, Lord Drewell?

Have I seen it? It's my paper.

It is an extraordinary case, if you ask me.

I put my best man into following it up.

A suicide is not as good as a murder, of course.

You often release a pretty bad smell when you lift the lid on a case like this.

It certainly looks as if there must be something behind it.1

You might find it mixed up with the kind of sex that makes the reader long for next Sunday.

Can't you let the poor devil lie in peace?
─ Not a chance.

This is one old sleeping dog that
is not going to be allowed to die.

He was mixed up in every kind of shady racket and he was broke.

But you don't blow your brains out just because you've got 7,000 bicycles on your hands.

I've got a nose for cesspools.
It tells me there is a woman in it.

Does having a woman in his life make him a criminal?

Now look here.

I do a service to the public exposing this kind of man.

There is too much rottenness in London.

Ten to one this old lecher lived off women's immoral earnings.

Probably avoided income-tax as well.

It is my duty to expose him.

It is men of this kind that are destroying the moral fabric of this country.

I know where we saw him.

It was at The Napoleon restaurant.

You remember? He was the fellow shouting his head off the night we ..

Shut up.

Who was he? That's what we've got to find out.

But I'll find it out if I bust.

Much as I hate to prevent such an explosion.

I'm going to save you a great deal of time and trouble Lord Drewell.

Mike, what is the point?
It won't to any good.

He's right, darling.

What do you really know about him?

Barker wasn't a lecher and he wasn't a crook.

He might have raised his voice
a little from time to time, but ..

That doesn't make him a "destroyer of the moral fabric of the country".

It makes him human.

Barker would never have stooped to digging a dead man's secrets out of his grave.

An spew them across the front pages of a Sunday newspaper.

To titillate the public's worst instincts.

Under the guise of "doing his duty".

What do ..?

What do you know about him?

I'm proud to say that he considered me one of his friends.

Mike! How could you? A man like that.

How on earth did you come across him?

The cheque he burnt was my cheque.

And the "M" her referred to in
his note was me. ─ Mike.

I just don't understand it.
─ You don't have to, darling.

I was merely trying to explain to Lord Drewell why I preferred Barker to him.

Lord Drewell, I don't know what's happened to Mike.

I just can't think how to excuse him.

Don't try Mrs Thompson. I'm sure you couldn't.

A man has right to stand up for his friends, you know.

Apologize to Lord Drewell at once Michael.

I'm afraid I can't do that, father.

Unless Lord Drewell is prepared to apologize for what he said about Barker.

That's quite enough from you, young man.

Thank you for a delightful evening.
Goodnight. Come along, Maud.

Uncle, please!

Well, my dear. I warned you.
─ Please. ─ Goodnight.

Excuse me, Miss.
─ What is it?

There is a young lady to see Mr Michael, Miss.

I will see her.

I'm afraid Mr Thompson isn't available.
Could I help you?

Yes.

If you love him.

Well, what's that got to do with you?

Plenty.

Because .. I could get him away from you .. like that.

You wouldn't have a chance against me.

Okay, you .. fit in with his background and family.

His parents won't ashamed of you like they would of me.

But.

I can give him something you never could.

I can make him feel like he's alive .. when he is with me.

I just have to say the word.
─ Is that what you've come to do?

Say the word? Are scared?
─ Not in the least.1

What about this man you're so keen on? This Jack.

Doesn't he mean anything to you anymore?

He means so much I might be willing to bargain with you.

For what?

I might be prepared never to see him again.

And I would keep my promise.

In return for what?
─ £1,500.

Don't tell me that you haven't got it.

I've got it alright.

I'm one of the few people who wouldn't even miss it.

it's cheap at the price if you really love him.

Could you come here a moment, Mike?

What's the idea?

I'm going to tell Mike that you offered to sell him for £1,500.

He's got a right to know that, don't you think?

Go head .. he won't believe you.

I'll see that he doesn't.
─ We'll both see, won't we.

What is it, Margaret?

You've got a damned nerve, coming here.

That's one thing she isn't short of.

What have you come for anyway? You must know you are the one person I don't want to see.

She's got doubts about that.
─ Mike!

Isn't it true that I gave you something you couldn't get from her or any other woman?

Something you would want to have again if only you could forget what happened.

That wouldn't be very easy.

She came here to ask you for money.

And when I came in instead of you, she offered to sell you to me.

She's lying!

She is just making it up because I want you back.

You can turn on the tears just a little too easily.

You did it the night we met you remember? In the taxi.

Mike .. why should I have come here and asked you for money?

Jack has left me .. he's left me for good.

Do you deny that your tried to bribe me?

You mustn't believe her. She is just
trying to kill everything between us.

Mike, there was so much, wasn't there.

Go on.

Tell her what I meant to you.

Hear this flat! The night you stayed with me and sent her away.

On my word, Mike. She only promised to leave you alone if I gave her the money to buy back her lover.

And I give you my word I didn't.

If you let her take you in again, she'll pass on everything she gets to this .. Jack.

She'll use you like she used Reg Barker.

No! .. no.

How much money did she ask you for, Margaret?

Nothing .. I asked her for nothing.

Fifteen hundred pounds.

Well .. it seems you won.

Good luck .. good luck to both of you.

She meant a lot to you, didn't she?

She did.

Come and sit down.

Let's face it, Margaret.

I think that at some time or another in every man's life ..

He loses his head over another woman .. and Ila.

I suppose it was partly my fault. I rushed you into things.

But I'm not going to do it again.

I'll be ready when you are.

But this time .. you'll come to me.

T-G

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