All language subtitles for Drive.Share.S01E08_English

♪♪♪

[woman] Um, just so you know,

if you're, you know, thinking
of trying to like, kidnap

or hold me hostage or something

that's not going
to happen today.

Oh, uh, uh...

I'm not. I'm not.

Well, I mean, I just know.
I read the news you know.

And that happens a lot on these
kind of drive-sharing things.

No. I'm not... uh, no,
I'm not a kidnapper.

If you thought I was
brooding up here

and thinking of ways
to kidnap you,

I apologize for giving
you that impression.

Like even the fact that you're
saying that you're thinking
of ways to kidnap me--

No, I wasn't! No, I was
saying I wasn't thinking
of ways to kidnap you.

But the fact that
that came so easily to
you is very suspicious.

I'm very sorry. I feel
like I just keep digging
myself deeper here.

I only said I wasn't thinking
of ways to kidnap you

because you suggested
that maybe I was thinking
of ways to kidnap you.

No. You kind of gave off that
vibe. So, it's not like I was
feeding off of your vibe, okay.

I wasn't trying to give
off any kind of kidnappy
vibe whatsoever.

I'm sorry if I did that. Are...

Are you someone like...
you could get like a large
ransom for or something?

Is that why you're
paranoid or--?

What?

I'm trying to figure out
why you're paranoid
about being kidnapped?

Are you somebody who--?

The fact that you would
think of a ransom.

No. I only thought
of ransom because you
brought up kidnapping.

You know like...You
ever see like a word
cloud on the internet?

of all the words that come to
mind when I think of kidnapping,

ransom is like
the least creepy, you know.

The other words are all
like, bound and gagged,

and hostage, and sex dungeon.

-So, you're putting me
in a sex dungeon.
-No. I'm not putting you--

I just want to know where
I am going tonight, okay?

-Am I going to a sex dungeon?
-No.

I got to prepare in my mind.

No. You're not.
I'm not. I'm so sorry.

I should have never
said sex dungeon.

-I'm going to a sex
dungeon and that's okay.
-No, you're not.

-I can live it.
-No.

So, what's in there?
Just tell me what's in there?

I don't know.

I just need the scope of where
I'm going to be for the next
what? Five, ten years?

-How long are you
going to do this for?
-How? No. I have no--

I'm so sorry like there's
no sex dungeon. I'm not
going to hold you captive.

-Do I have amenities?
-No there's not...

-So there's no amenities?
-No, I'm not saying there's
no amenities. I'm saying--

I am sorry but you have to give
me at least a toilet, something.

-I'm not.
-[whistle]

[screaming] Jesus! Christ!

I'm being kidnapped!

-I'm being kidnapped!
-That... Oh!

-[whistle]
-No, you are not! Oh!

♪♪♪

-Your car is very big.
-Yes.

You have seen a French car?

-Uh, maybe.
-They're like two mopeds, uh...

-Put together.
-Right. Like a sandwich.

Um, where are we going?

Maybe we are in
the land of the stars,

we could go anywhere really.

You smoke. Are you smoking? No.

-Oh, I'm sorry you can have one.
-No. No, no, no.

No, no, you can't smoke
in here. No smoking.

-Where do you want to go?
-Go?

Where do I want to go?

In Paris, we get in
the taxi with the driver,

and we figure out where
we want to go together.

It's not like that.
You have to tell me where to go.

How about Hamburger American?

Hamburger.

Where Harry met Sally.

Yes, in the cafe
and she has orgasm and...

And right behind her is
the woman with a hamburger.

A diner. You want to go
to a diner? That's fine.

Are you smoking, again? No!

-Do not smoke in here.
-I'm trying not to smoke,

but you asked us where
you want to go and I cannot
decide without smoking.

So, what do you want
to smoke or not to smoke?

Not to smoke. I very
clearly want not to smoke.

No. I thought it was like
when you are on a plane.

What?

And it begins to take off,
you cannot smoke.

-Right.
-But as soon as you go...

-No.
-In the middle,
they turn off the light.

-No.
-And you can smoke.

-No, at no point can you
smoke on an airplane.
-Okay.

At no point can you
smoke in this car.

Okay, would light me
a second cigarette?

Sure, I can do that.

Okay, this is for you.

[driver] No. Do not put
that in my mouth.

[woman] Come on.

-Mm-Hm.
-Aah!

-Um.
-Mm.

Oh, she is she's
going home with us.

-No. Take this back.
-You see this?

♪♪♪

Are you off to a Thanksgiving
Gathering, I guess?

Oh, no. Actually, spending
Thanksgiving alone this year.

Oh, I'm sorry for... uh, yeah.

Looks like we're both
having uh Thanksgiving alone.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm just
doing a couple of rounds.

Then I'm going back
to my place, yeah.

My wife and kids
are all excited.

-Oh, you don't say.
-Yeah.

Well, yeah. I don't
have a place to go.

Oh, uh...

I'm sorry.

I can't, uh...

Well, you know what?
Actually, I brought some classic
Thanksgiving food with me, so...

[laughs] That's great.

If you don't mind, would
you still have a little
Thanksgiving meal with me?

Here in the car?

Right here in the car.
Why not, right?

Yeah, uh, sure.

It being Thanksgiving and all
I couldn't get myself a turkey.

I had to go around to a few
fast food places and pick up
different Thanksgiving items.

Oh!

I got myself some
chicken nuggets.

Oh!

You just use a little a popsicle
stick and look at that?

-You got a drumstick.
-Oh, yeah.

-It's as good as a real thing.
-Oh, that's very inventive.

Now, I couldn't get my hand
on any sweet potatoes,

but you get yourself some
mashed potatoes, you get
yourself some orange soda.

-You pour it right in...
-Okay.

I'm telling you it tastes
so much like the real thing.

I'll take your word for it.

-See?
-Oh, yeah. Ooh!

You're eating it. Is it good?

-It's delicious.
-Okay.

Now, for mashed potatoes
here's a little French fries.

-Okay.
-So, you just mush them up.

It's better than the real thing.

The funny thing is you could
have just probably used
the mashed potatoes.

Yeah, yeah. I know
what I'm doing, Dad.

-[laughs]
-Huh?

♪♪♪

[woman] He's trying
to kidnap me!

-No, please. I'm so sorry.
-He doesn't even have a toilet.

No, I have a toilet, okay?
There's a toilet in my home.

-It doesn't affect you--
-Am I going to be
allowed to use it?

-Can I come upstairs?
-No. No, it's just you know--

I mean, not "no" you can't
come upstairs, but "no"--

Oh, so I'm not allowed
to come upstairs.

No, you would be,
if I were to kidnap you,

you would be allowed
to use my toilet,

but I'm not going
to kidnap you, so you're not.

-I can't live in my own filth.
-No.

I refuse to live
in my own filth.

I don't want you
to live in your own filth.

If I were a kidnapper,
which I'm not.

And I was going to put you in
a sex dungeon, which I'm not.

Why would I want you
to live in your own filth

so I could have
some feces-covered
amenity-lacking sex slave?

I don't want that.

Why? 'cause I'm not good enough?

It has nothing to...
it's not you.

-What a dick!
-No, hey, come on.

Oh, please like you would
get better than me.

-If I was--
-Like you could get
better than this?

-Okay.
-No. Please.

I am awesome to kidnap.

You would be great
to kidnap, okay?

-Thank you.
-You would be a
great person to kidnap.

I'm sorry. I got you
so worked up here.

Have a water.

Oh, yeah. Some date
rape drug in here?

No. I'm not--
Ah, hey, come on!

-Just take me to my location.
-I'm taking you
to your location.

That's all I've been
trying to do the whole time.

-Make a left.
-Okay, fine, fine.

[woman] All right,
well, thank you.

-This is my place.
-Your welcome.

-Have a good night.
-Yes, you, too.

[screaming]

That's mace motherfucker!

That's what you get
for trying to kidnap me.

[screaming]

Ah, God. Oh, Jesus.

[groaning]

-Yeah.
-[man] Hey, did you get her?

No, she was on
to us the whole time.

Go out and get another.

Yeah, yeah.
I'll get another one.

♪♪♪

Do you not have a boyfriend?

No, I don't have a boyfriend.

Okay.

Because you are lesbian?

No, I'm just not seeing
anybody right now.

We could if you like,
Bridget and you,

go to where you are going.

Wherever you drive,
to your home.

We'll come with you, uh?

Are you suggesting that
we have a threesome?

Let me be clear.

You do not have
to touch his penis.

No, I do not have
to participate.

I will just sit on
the corner of the bed

and then later,
I will go to sleep.

Do you want to see
any, like sights?

-Like, any American...
-Yes. Nordstrom Rack.

No. It's lame. Don't come all
this way to see Nordstrom Rack.

-P.F. Chang's--
-No!

-[driver] I'm not
taking you there.
-Would be so cool.

It's not cool.

There is this store he loves,
it's like cool hip clothes.

-Tommy Bahama.
-Tommy Bahama.

Tommy Bahama. I want to
be like on a vacation.

I don't want to sleep
with you because you
want such lame stuff.

So, you do want
to sleep with us.

Not anymore.

When you pictured our threesome,

which you admitted to
how big did you picture him?

Like, petitor grand?

I...

-He's very big.
-Okay, I don't...

-He's too big.
-Uncomfortable for even me.

It's horrible.

Have you ever heard
of a ménage à trois?

Yes, I have.

Do you know ménage à quatre?

-I'm not going to
have sex with a cat.
-It's not a cat.

We are saying a quatre, fourth.

-Four people.
-Four people.

A cat would be weird
even for me.

-And I have done weird things.
-Okay. All right.

♪♪♪

I don't know if you
know this or not,

but you selected Drive Share
pool and I got a pickup up here.

What? You mean more people
are going to come in here?

Yeah. We're going to
have another one with us.

You know what though
there's always room at my table.

-[laughs]
-Unlike your table.

[laughs]

[man laughs]

-[driver] Hey.
-[man] Hey. Happy Thanksgiving.

Welcome to the feast. You can
have whatever you'd like.

No. I'm good. I'm good.
I usually don't eat mashed
potatoes from a stranger.

-Okay. To each their own.
-Yeah.

There's some leftover turkey.

Is that a chicken
nugget on a stick?

If you want to break it down
that way, yeah, it is.

-[man 2] Cool.
-Yeah.

[man 1] Hey, you know what?

I got some wishbones.

Oh, you mind pulling on
the old wishbone with me?

-Take a yank on his bone, man.
-Yeah.

[bone cracking]

Oh, I got the big part. I won.

-So, I get a wish?
-Yeah.

Then I have everything I need.

[laughs] I got a great family.

I have like almost
too many friends.

I have a dog, I have a nice cat,
and they're best friends.

I have a wife who's beautiful.

Hey, if you're not going
to use your wish maybe
you could give it to me.

-[laughs]
-Ah, there you go.

Yeah, here.

My wish is yours, Sir.

Thank you.

My wish is that one of you
two would adopt me into
your beautiful families.

[laughs]

Can you adopt an adult man?

What I got to do?
Put on a diaper? Ga-ga.

Oh, man! Oh!

♪♪♪

[driver] Alright, welcome to
my car, slash house, slash car.

I normally would ask you
to take your shoes off,

but mi casa su casaso...

-It's cool.
-Yeah, no worry, dude.

You're in good hands, dude.

-Seriously.
-Oh, thanks man.

Yeah, what's up with you.

Fuck!

My coffee pot.

You know what? I just
didn't clean up the place.

I wasn't, you know, sure I was
going to be driving right now.

So, sorry for the mess.

You weren't expecting company.

Yeah, I know for sure. For sure.

You, uh, kind of live here or...

Yeah, dude.

See I had an uncle who is
kind of down on his luck.

Oh, no. There's nothing
down about it, man.

Human beings have been
living like hundreds
of years without houses

and then we're just now
discovering it again.

It's like, look at this.
This is beautiful.

I get to do whatever I want.

Right.

-Is this laundry
all clean or...?
-What?

-The laundry?
-I don't know. Show me.

Well, these look like
they're rolled up, but
there's just something...

-Some kind of smells...
-No, that's clean.

I guess there's this one.

Oh, no. Fuck!

It's not even mine, dude.

-Oh, my God!
-No, it's not--

Oh, shit! Fuck, dude!

All right. Did anything
spill back there?

Yeah, just a little
on the carpet.

Oh, no man!

I'm having friends over later.
You got shit on my carpet?

♪♪♪

You are familiar with
a ménage à sept?

-[woman] Ah, ménage à sept.
-Seven people.

-Oh!
-It's like, but one person
comes in very late,

in like a sneaky
cat burglar way.

It might be hard
for you to imagine,

but a ménage à vingt
et un is um, twenty-one...

-Yeah.
-...in French.

And the plus one
is very important

because it kind of transforms
the entire group experience,

like one woman is
already pregnant.

So it's like another person
is there, but not actually--

I got it. It's twenty-two
people somehow.

[man] Somehow is the key term,

but we have never gone
beyond twenty-three.

It was the entire
basketball team.

Ménage à quarante-quatre.

I imagine would be
like a small parade.

Do you have any holidays here?

Where you have a tiny parade
who is all down to get together?

[man] No?

Can you imagine a deux cents.
Two hundred.

[man] Way too much.

It's like a Selena Gomez concert
but just the VIP section.

Do you know Selena Gomez?

-[snoring]
-[woman] Hello.

[screaming]

♪♪♪

They don't want you
to live like this.

They really don't ever want
you to know this freedom.

And do you know that over
seventy percent of landlords

are not even human
fucking beings, dude?

I'll have you know
I actually own a little bit
of property my wife and I.

You live in it or you like
charge people for it?

Well, it's a rental property.

-Yeah, it's how we
make some income.
-I don't know, man.

If I was a landlord,
fucking free rent
to all the tenants.

The only way we can
afford the property
is by collecting rent.

-That's how we pay our mortgage.
-No.

Because that's the top
above you has gotten
you into the system.

So, that's where
you're believing that.

-No, that's--
-No, seriously, dude.

The man doesn't
have to be the man.

When the man gives
up being the man,

that's when things
will chill out.

[banging and muffled voice]

Do you... do you hear that?

Well, yeah. I hear
people rising up.

You know, your people
not taking anymore.

No, it's like a
physical banging.

It sounds like it's
coming from the trunk.

Oh, fuck. That's my
roommate. Shut up.

Your roommate? Are you okay?

It sounds like he
needs to get out.

Yeah. Will you just bang on that
three times with your elbow?

No!

Dude, just bang.

-[banging]
-[man] Sorry.

♪♪♪

[man 1] You seem real nice.
You remind me of my grandma.

And you remind me
of my Uncle Jim.

Oh, oh, cool.
That's great. Yeah.

Hey, hey, you know what?

Maybe we could do some LARPing?

LARPing?

-Yeah, live-action role-playing.
-Oh!

You could pretend
to be my granny.

You could be my
Uncle Jim and we're
eating dinner together.

Sure, man sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-If that sounds good for you.
-Yeah.

Do you mind putting
this thing on?

Oh, sure man. Sure.

Fun fact: That is actually made
out of my grandma's own hair.

Oh.

[man 1 laughs]

All right.

And you can be my
Uncle Jim. Okay?

[man 2] Okay, yeah.

The best part of my family
dinner was at dessert.

I'm going to have myself
a slice of pumpkin pie.

Oh, wow.

First, you take
a little apple pie,

pumpkin spice latte.

There you go.

Oh, wow. You are like a mad
scientist with those food items.

-[man 1] You want some?
-No. I'm not going to do that.

Come on. Come here.

-What are you doing?
-Come here. Put your head down.

What are you doing? No, no!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Don't get it on the seat.

[groans]

I thought you wanted me
to baby bird it for you.

-Oh!
-No!

My Uncle Jim doesn't
have any teeth.

So, I got to baby bird
the pie for him.

Fuck. Let's just roleplay
and get it over with.

-Fuck. Stop it!
-How does the pie
taste, my darlin'?

It's delicious, granny.
Did you make it yourself?

You know I did. I was up
at four am this morning.

How's school going for you, boy?

School is good, Uncle Jim.
Granny, how's grandpa doing?

Oh, you know that old son
of a bitch is upstairs

probably grumbling about
the turkey being overcooked.

Oh, that's funny because grandpa
died before I was born, so...

Then why did you ask
how he was doing?

Because it was a test. It was
a granny test, grandma. Okay?

-Hey, man.
-To see if you've
lost your mind.

We've got to put you in a home.

I don't know your grandmother.

We're putting you in a
home, grandma, okay?

If you don't know
that grandpa's dead,
you got to go in a home.

You're not putting me in a home.

You got to go in the home!

Oh, I ain't going to die--

I'm sick of this family
fighting all the time!

I'm sick of it!

-[crying]
-Shut up!

You wreck it, granny,
you always wreck it.

-Stop arguing. Stop arguing!
-Shut up, Uncle Jim!

-Go to your room.
-No, you go to my room.

Oh, no.

[screaming]

I hate this!

-[crying]
-[laughing]

Ah! That was perfect.

You know what? You can actually
drop me off right over here.

♪♪♪

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, I'm so sorry I
actually should take this.

-It's kind of somebody...
-It's fine.

Hey! No. I left.
I left the scene.

Because I didn't know.

I thought I should talk
to my lawyer first.

Yes, you!

It was my fault, but I don't
think anybody saw me.

-I'm sorry.
Should I be hearing this?
-Oh, no, no, no.

I feel like I shouldn't
be hearing this.

Uh, no. It's lawyer-client
privilege so, it's okay.

But I am not your lawyer.

Uh, I don't know. Twenty-four,
twenty-five years old.

No, I pushed it
into the rain drain.

Could you maybe have
this call another time?

Can you excuse me?
This is a very important
phone call for me.

You think I should
go out of state?

I really don't want to hear it.

This is not appropriate.
It's really not--

You're being inappropriate.

-Are you kidding me with that?
-What?

You're talking about
murdering a twenty-four
or a twenty-five-year-old.

Hold on. I am not talking
about murdering anybody.

You are sitting there
talking about that.

You don't know anything.

I know that there is
a body in a rain drain.

I know you hit it with your car
and you left the scene.

I could only assume of a crime.

No, my passenger. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could take her.

No. Okay, you need
to pull over right now.

[driver] Okay.

Where? Where is that?
In the factory district.

No, you are not taking me
to the factory district.

-I just got to make one stop.
-I hate it there.

I just got to make one stop.

If you think you could
take me, you are wrong.

I can do it. I can totally...
Yup. I agree.

She knows too much. Mm-Hm.

What is this like some Alpha
Dog shit right here? Okay, no.

It didn't work for them and
it's not going to work for you.

Is that the movie
with Forest Whitaker?

Maybe.

♪♪♪

Come on, man.
See these guys like this.

See, you can tell. He's just
plugged into the system.

She's driving around
from some job to some
family or something.

Yeah, I don't think there's
that much wrong with that.

I mean, there's something
noble to earning a living,

and getting a house,

and finding a wife,
and settling down.

You want to chill out, dude?

I know what you need here.

I got something
you need... fucking.

[driver whistles]

Oh.

Right?

[laughing]

-Right?
-I don't know, man.

See, just try this.
Just take this, dude.

I can't give it away
because this is like,

honestly, I make more on
this stuff than I do on the car.

So, you want your tip?

Yeah, that's it. It's just
a tip, dude. Just a tip.

I'll tell you what, man? You
sound like you could use it.

So do you want it?

Okay, man here you go.

-All right.
-Barter system.

That's fair. There's your shit.
There's my shit.

Ten bucks, dude.
That's way too much.

-Crazy.
-All right, asshole.

-Way too fucking much.
-Whoa! What the fuck?

-Hands up.
-Okay, man.

Put your hands on
the fucking car, dude.

What the fuck, man?
What the fuck is going on?

-I didn't do anything!
-Justice, dude.

-What the fuck?
Don't touch me, man.
-I'm not touching you.

Oh, my God.

Your life is about
to get fucked.

You trapped me.

Dude, entrapment is four-tenths
of the way it works.

That can't be right.

[crying] This can't be right.

I know, man.
Just fucking kidding, dude.

-[laughing]
-What?

-What?
-I'm just fucking kidding, dude.

-You're on a prank show.
-What?

It's called Psycho Out.

Psycho--

-That's why the camera is on.
-These fucking cameras.

-Oh, my God.
-There's a camera.

There's a camera.
There's a camera.

There's a fucking camera
in the back of the seat, dude.

Dude, gun's real.

Dude, everybody can take a bow.

This was just
really great, guys.

-I can't believe you got me.
-Really great shit.

I didn't see it.
I didn't. Thank you.

Oh, my God! I can't
believe I didn't see that.

We haven't even been
driving, you, dumbass.

-No, way!
-I know, shoot.

[driver] We've been
sitting in this room with
these fucking cameras

pretending to be
in a fucking car, dude.

That's nuts.

Oh! You just got psych' out.

You just got psych' outed.

We're not sure what
the phrase is yet.

♪♪♪

Where you going?

I'm just driving around
wherever the road may take me.

I like to get out on
Thanksgiving Day.

Yeah, it's good. Stretch
the legs and into a car.

-[man 1] Yeah.
-[laughs]

If only I was driving
a Plymouth, huh?

[laughs]

Yeah.

[laughing] Plymouth.
Plymouth Rock.

Yeah.