All language subtitles for movie.srt

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.SubtitleDB.org today

YOU KNOW WHAT'S MORTIFYING?

SMACK IS LIKE THE LEISURE
SUIT OF THE NINETIES.

INSTEAD OF WRECKING DAD'S
BUICK ON PROM NIGHT,

THESE LITTLE SUBURBAN
FUCKS ARE COPPING HABITS.

AND ODing IN THE REC ROOM.

AND YOU'RE DIFFERENT BECAUSE...

I NEVER GOT TO THE PROM.

TRADED MY CUMMERBUND
FOR TWO BAGS AND A RIG.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHY YOU
DID THE SHIT THAT YOU DID?

YOU EVER READ THAT INTERVIEW
WITH WILLIAM BURROUGHS.

WHERE THEY ASKED HIM
WHY HE SHOT HEROIN?

HE SAID, "SO I CAN GET UP
IN THE MORNING AND SHAVE."

YEAH. SO, IT WAS
LIKE A GROOMING THING.

YOU KIDDING? I HATED TO SHAVE,

BUT IN HOLLYWOOD,
GOT TO LOOK YOUR BEST.

Louis Prima:
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SMILIN' ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE SMILIN' ♪

♪ THE WHOLE WORLD
SMILES AT YOU ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE LAUGHIN' ♪

♪ OH, YOU'RE LAUGHIN' ♪

♪ MM, AND THE SUN
COMES SHINING THROUGH ♪

YOU LOOKED SO MORONIC

IN YOUR LITTLE FAST-FOOD OUTFIT.

YEAH? WELL, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

SERVING AMERICA'S
FROZEN FISH NEEDS

IS NOT MY PRIMARY CALLING.

I'M SORRY, COLLEGE BOY.

WHERE'D YOU GO?

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

UM, LET'S SEE.

GIVE ME A FISH SANDWICH
WITH EXTRA SAUCE.

YOU GOT THAT GOOD SAUCE?

TARTAR?

YEAH. YEAH. TARTAR.
GOB IT ON THERE.

OH, YEAH? SO, WHAT'S
YOUR M. O., HUH...

PICKING UP EZ BURGER
BOYS AT THE DRIVE-THRU,

- GETTING THEM BOUNCED OUT OF REHAB?
- UH-HUH.

HEY, YOU GUYS STILL OPEN?

HEY...

YOU GUYS STILL OPEN?

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.

SORRY.

DO YOU HAVE SOME MATCHES?

I JUST NEED SOME MATCHES.

- MATCHES?
- YEAH.

YEAH, SURE. WE KEEP THEM
WITH THE KIDDIE MEALS.

I'LL GET THEM.

HEY, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
REHAB PATIENTS, AREN'T YOU?

WHAT IS IT, WHIMPERING
WOUNDS OR SOMETHING?

JESUS.

WHISPERING WINDS.

HEY, IT'S OBVIOUS.

YOU'RE TOO DARN SAD-LOOKING

JUST TO BE ANOTHER
RETARD IN A PINK VISOR.

IT'S RED.

OH.

DO YOU WANT TO GO HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE?

YOU WANT ME TO GO HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE

WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

YEAH.

SHIT! SHIT!

WAIT. GGH!

ALL RIGHT.

OH, I WISH I WAS HIGH.

SHIT!

- AGH!
- SORRY.

IT'S OK.

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS
STRAIGHT BEFORE.

TRUST ME, ON SMACK,
I WAS A REAL STUD.

THE FIRST TIME ANYBODY TOUCHED
ME AFTER I GOT CLEAN,

I THOUGHT, "JESUS, THAT'S
WHY I NEEDED DRUGS."

IT WAS 7 YEARS AGO.

YEAH. WELL, I GOT 92 DAYS,

BUT WHO'S COUNTING, RIGHT?

SO, WHAT, DID I
GET YOU IN TROUBLE?

IT'S NO BIG THING.

BESIDES, MY THREE-MONTH STRETCH OF
REHABILITATIVE FRY-COOK THERAPY

WAS UP TOMORROW, ANYWAY.

- I JUST MISSED THE MUGGING.
- THE WHAT?

YOU GET A MUG
WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR STINT.

RIGHT. I FORGOT THAT PART.

ANYWAY, I GOT TO GET
BACK TO L. A.

OH, GODDAMN, YOU'RE FROM L. A.?

I'M NOT, BUT I MOVED
OUT THERE TO PURSUE MY ART.

WHO SAYS?

I WANT YOU TO MEET BESSIE.

Man: THAT'S WHERE
THEY KEPT MR. CHOMPERS.

- MR. CHOMPERS, LIKE THE PUPPET?
- YEAH.

WHY, ARE YOU A PUPPETEER?

YES. I'M A PUPPETEER.
I'M A WRITER.

- YOU WRITE THAT CRAP?
- WROTE.

OH, GOD, I GET IT.

YOU'RE, LIKE, THIS ANGSTY,
ARTY, HEMMINGWAY TYPE

WHO, LIKE, SOLD OUT
TO HOLLYWOOD,

HIT THE NEEDLE, AND
ENDED UP IN REHAB.

YOU TV GEEKS DON'T DO
ANYTHING ORIGINAL, DO YOU?

ACTUALLY, THE TV GEEK PART

IS JUST A LITTLE SIDE EFFECT.

I WAS GETTING A LITTLE TOO
FUCKED UP IN NEW YORK,

SO I THOUGHT,

"I'LL MOVE OUT TO CALIFORNIA

AND GET AWAY FROM DRUGS."

SO, YOU WENT TO L. A.
TO GET AWAY FROM DRUGS.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

I MISCALCULATED.

HEY, IT'S AN HONEST MISTAKE.

HEY, I'M ALL ABOUT HONESTY.

SO, YOU CAME OUT COLD, OR
DID YOU KNOW SOMEBODY?

UGH...

WHY DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW ALL THIS?

WELL, REALLY,
THERE'S ONLY TWO THINGS

YOU CAN DO IN A HOTEL ROOM,

AND WE ALREADY DID ONE OF THEM,

MORE OR LESS.

YEAH. I SURE SHOWED YOU
A GOOD TIME, DIDN'T I?

YEAH, EXCELLENT.

COME ON. TELL ME.

WELL, I HAD THIS FRIEND NICKY

WHO WAS KIND OF A DRUG
BUDDY FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

- CAREFUL, CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
- THIS IS GREAT.

YEAH. IT IS GREAT,
BUT THIS IS A BIG MACHINE.

I'VE NEVER HAD A CAR BEFORE.

- THIS IS EXCELLENT.
- REALLY? TRY IT OUT, MAN.

GIVE IT A SPIN.
TRY OUT THE BRAKES.

COME ON!

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO WAS ALWAYS SCHEMING UP.

SHIT THAT ALMOST HAPPENED,

AND I WAS POPPING
SO MANY OF HIS PILLS,

IT ALL SOUNDED GREAT.

WELL, HE GAVE THE SCRIPT
TO A GUY HE PLAYS GOLF WITH

WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE
A LOT OF MONEY... MOE LEVINE.

CHECK IT OUT. MOE LEVINE.

THIS GUY MOE LEVINE READ IT.

HE LIKES IT. HE LOVES IT.

SAYS HE MIGHT WANT
TO PUT ON THE PLAY.

HA HA! YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

NO. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU.
I AM NOT KIDDING.

AND YOU'VE JUST BEEN KEEPING
THIS UNDER YOUR HAT?

HE REALLY WANTS TO PUT IT ON?

HE MIGHT. NO.
HE SERIOUSLY MIGHT.

- THE PLAY IS THE THING.
- THIS IS GREAT, MAN.

WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY
TO BE CRUISING AROUND.

I THINK WE MADE A FINE CHOICE.

I NEVER HAD A CAR, MAN.

OK. SO IT'S LIKE BOY MEETS
CHUCKLEHEAD, AND THEN WHAT,

BOY GETS THIS TERRIFIC JOB

WRITING ALIEN PUPPET SITCOM?

WELL, IT WASN'T REALLY
THAT SIMPLE.

I KIND OF HAD TO SLEEP
MY WAY TO THE MIDDLE.

REALLY? YOU AND NICKY?

MM, NO.

NICKY AND I DREW THE LINE
AT NECKING.

ACTUALLY, HE HAD THIS GIRLFRIEND

WHO HAD A GIRLFRIEND
WHO NEEDED A GREEN CARD.

THERE'S ABOUT 200 OF
THESE TURKISH FISHERMEN

STANDING AROUND ON THE DOCK,

AND, BECAUSE IT'S A HOLIDAY,

THEY WERE FALLING OVER DRUNK,

AND I'M WEARING THESE
INCREDIBLY HIGH HEELS

AND HOLDING THIS MASSIVE CAKE
DONE UP IN THE AMERICAN FLAG.

SANDRA, WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING

SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL
SCENE FOR JERRY,

WHO'S A PRETTY GOOD WRITER.

I TELL YOU, BY THE TIME I'D
FINISHED RUNNING THAT GAUNTLET,

I LOOKED LIKE I'D
BEEN CAKE WRESTLING.

VOLA, IS MY FUTURE HUSBAND
ALWAYS LIKE THIS?

I MEAN, HE CAN
BEHAVE NORMALLY, RIGHT?

NO, NOT REALLY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN BENNY
HAS MADE A HOUSE CALL.

WHICH HE HASN'T

BECAUSE I DON'T ASSOCIATE
WITH BENNY ANYMORE.

YOU'VE MADE THAT CLEAR,
AND I UNDERSTOOD IT.

- ASK JERRY.
- WHO'S BENNY?

Vola: HE'S A PREPUBESCENT
DRUG DEALER.

WHAT'S THIS, HEIDEGGER?
YOU A BIG FAN OF HIS?

WELL, I'M TRYING
TO GET THROUGH IT.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIGHT
SUMMER READING.

YEAH, BUT IT'S PROBABLY GOOD
FOR, LIKE, PLOTLINES

AND CHARACTER NAMES,
STUFF LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

HAVE YOU SEEN "MR. CHOMPERS"?

I DON'T HAVE A TV.

Nicky: OOH, SEE WHAT I MEAN?

THIS IS LIKE A GOOD,
LIKE, GIVE AND TAKE.

THIS IS, LIKE, SHE LIKES TO
BULLSHIT, YOU LIKE TO BULLSHIT.

- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- CAN I HAVE THE PIPE?

CAN I HAVE... YES. YOU
MAY HAVE THE PIPE.

IT'S OVER HERE,
AND THEN IT'S OVER HERE.

AND THEN IT'S OVER THERE,
AND THEN IT'S OVER HERE.

GREAT.

Sandra: OH, JERRY, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO CHARM ME.

WE'RE ONLY GETTING MARRIED
ON PAPER, YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT TO GET A LOAD OF THIS.
WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT?

- THIS IS LIKE MAD MAX HERE.
- YEAH.

WHAT IS THIS, LEATHER?

ACTUALLY, IT'S JEWISH LEATHER.

IT'S DESIGNED FOR HUMILIATION.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? SHE'S OK.

SHE'S OK. SHE'S BRITISH.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- MEANS SHE'S BRITISH.
- SHE'S COOL.

YOU'RE GONNA REALLY DIG HER
WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HER.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HER, VOLA.

I'M JUST GETTING MARRIED TO HER.

I'M JUST SAYING SHE'S NICE.

YEAH, IF YOU GOT FOR THAT STUDIED
NONCHALANT BRIT TYPE OF THING.

SUCK MY DICK.

- HOW'S IT GOING?
- WONDERFUL.

YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND'S FACE
IS TWO INCHES FROM MY ASS.

- I'M IN SEVENTH HEAVEN.
- CONGRATULATIONS.

HEY, JERRY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE A FICTION WRITER.

- OH, NICKY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT?

SHE HAD THE BOOK, AND I
SAID THAT YOU WERE IN IT.

I'M NOT EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT. I'M PROUD
OF THAT. I'M NOT GONNA BACK OFF FROM THAT.

YOU WON AN AWARD FOR THAT. HE WON AN AWARD.
HE'S A GOOD WRITER.

YOU KNOW, JERRY, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD COME DOWN AND MEET CRAIG.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALWAYS
LOOKING FOR NEW WRITERS.

OH, ON "MR. MUNCHMAN"?

- "MR. CHOMPERS," ACTUALLY,
- RIGHT.

AND WE REALLY DO TRY TO PUSH THE
FORM, STRANGE AS IT MAY SOUND.

WELL, I'M SURE MY
"HUSTLER" CREDENTIALS

WILL JUST SLIP ME
RIGHT IN THE DOOR THERE.

SO, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

ARE WE TRYING TO PLAN
A WEDDING, OR WHAT?

WHEN YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

- WHAT ABOUT NOW?
- NOW?

- YEAH.
- RIGHT NOW?

THERE'S AN ALL-NIGHT CHAPEL
DOWN ON EL DORADO.

IT'D BE PRETTY COOL.

THAT'S RIGHT. THERE IS.
SHOULD WE DO THAT?

JERRY, TODAY
IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE.

Woman: HOW MUCH DID SHE PAY YOU?

- WHAT?
- TO GET MARRIED.

30,000.

- THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
- MM-HMM.

DID YOU LOVE HER?

OCCASIONALLY.

DID SHE LOVE YOU?

HMM...

I THINK SHE SAW US

AS THIS POTENTIAL
HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE

IN THE MAKING,

WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE LOVE.

Woman: "MR. CHOMPERS."
PLEASE HOLD.

SO, DO YOU FEEL
DIFFERENT BEING MARRIED?

YOU KNOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL IN HERE, OK?

OH, OK.

SORRY I'M LATE,
BUT I WAS ACTUALLY DOING

THE ONE PART OF THIS JOB
THAT I ENJOY.

I WAS MEETING WITH A GROUP
OF LIBRARIANS

WHO WANT ME TO DEVELOP
A MR. CHOMPERS LITERACY PROGRAM.

THIS FELLA TESTS
HIGHER THAN BARNEY.

I'M AMAZED.

IT'S REALLY QUITE
FANTASTIC, JERRY.

IT'S LIKE CRAIG HAS DISCOVERED

- SOME KIND OF UNTAPPED MYTH.
- HMM.

JERRY, SANDRA SHOWED ME SOME OF
YOUR FICTION AND YOUR AWARDS,

AND I HAVE TO SAY,
POWERFUL STUFF,

ALMOST TOO POWERFUL.

I'M WONDERING IF YOUR MIND CAN

FUNCTION DOWN ON OUR LEVEL.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE
OUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE SOME IDEAS
FOR OUR LOVEABLE PUPPET.

I'D SAY FUCK THE
LOVEABLE PUPPET.

THIS GUY IS A WEB-TOED METAPHOR
FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM GONE BAD.

I SEE MR. CHOMPERS AS
A MODERN-DAY TOM JOAD.

Woman: SHE'S IN A
MEETING RIGHT NOW.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?

I GREW UP IN PACIFIC GROVE.

I HUNG OUT ON CANNERY ROW.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN THERE, SANDRA?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I STARTED READING...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- STEINBECK.
- STEINBECK WHEN I WAS NINE.

- I LIKE THIS.
- THE LITTLE GUY.

THE LITTLE GUY,
EVERYMAN, THE TRAMP.

I LIKE THIS.
THE DEFENDER OF THE COMMON MAN.

GANDHI. IT'S GOING TOO FAR.

THIS COULD SERIOUSLY RESHAPE
THE SECOND-SEASON BIBLE, SANDRA.

HERE'S A PIECE OF SHIT, JERRY.

I WROTE IT AND REWROTE IT,
BUT IT AIN'T WORKING.

IF YOU CAN MAKE THAT WORK,
YOU'RE ON, OKAY?

OKAY.

SANDRA, GET ME A COPY
OF "GRAPES OF WRATH."

JERRY, GOOD MEETING YOU.

Jerry: SO, NOW I GOT TO REWRITE
CRAIG'S PIECE OF SHIT,

AND I'M SLEEPING
ON NICKY'S COUCH.

Woman: WERE YOU GETTING HIGH?

MAINTENANCE, YOU KNOW?

ENOUGH POT TO BLIND AN OX.

AND WHATEVER ELSE
WAS LAYING AROUND.

HELLO?

MOM...

MOM, THIS ISN'T THE BANK.
THIS IS JERRY IN CALIFORNIA.

YOU CALLED ME, MOM.

OK. ALL RIGHT.
FINE, MOM. ARE YOU OK?

MOM, ARE YOU OK?

OK. MOM? I REALLY MEAN THIS.

I HAVE TO GO. I HOPE YOU
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

GOOD-BYE, MOM. MOM, GOOD-BYE.

Man: SUICIDE IS ONE OF THE
GREAT MYSTERIES OF OUR TIME.

WHEN WARREN STAHL
TOOK HIS OWN LIFE,

HE TOOK A PART OF US WITH HIM.

Woman: GOD, BABY, THAT'S
AT SUCH A FORMATIVE AGE.

Man: OH, A TERRIBLE,
TERRIBLE WASTE.

I MEAN, HE ACHIEVED SO MUCH.

OH, GOD! HE HATES ME.

I AM STEEL. STEEL FEELS NOTHING.

WHY, WARREN?

Why did you leave me with them?

They hate me.

We don't hate you, Mom.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Brad,

But isn't it illegal to name
a cat Warren in this state?

I want to go, too.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S REALLY WEIRD.

I WROTE THAT, LIKE, 10 DAYS AGO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
BE REALLY PROUD.

HMM, "PROUD" ISN'T
THE FIRST WORD

THAT COMES TO MIND.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU

SINCE THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU.

Woman: DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE SHE WAS TOO BAD.

Jerry: SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL,
SHE WAS WITTY,

AND SHE HAD NO IDEA
WHO I REALLY WAS.

DID YOU KNOW WHO SHE REALLY WAS?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HANG ON.

ARE YOU OK?

Woman: DON'T TELL ME. NOT
THE MEDICINE CABINET.

Jerry: OH, YEAH.
BY THEN, I WAS A PRO.

YOU KNOW THE OLD
COUGH-AND-FLUSH TECHNIQUE?

COUGH WHEN YOU OPEN,
FLUSH WHEN YOU SHUT IT.

Sandra: JERRY, ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. I'M FINE.

Jerry: WORKS PRETTY GOOD UNLESS
YOU FORGET TO PUT BACK THE DRUGS.

THEN YOU HAVE TO FLUSH TWICE
AND PLEAD BAD PLUMBING.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT WAS
PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES

WE'VE HAD THIS SERIES.

REALLY? HOO, THAT'S
KIND OF A SCARY THOUGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO STAY THE NIGHT?

NO. I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M GONNA HEAD HOME.

IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE,
AND I GOT TO GET UP TOMORROW,

ALL THAT... STUFF.

JERRY, I'VE HAD AN IDEA.

YOU HAVEN'T FOUND ANYWHERE
TO LIVE YET, HAVE YOU?

UH, NO.

NOT REALLY TOO GOOD
AT LOOKING FOR PLACES.

I'M MUCH BETTER MOVING OUT.

WELL, I WAS JUST
THINKING THAT, YOU KNOW,

IT COULD REALLY HELP
MY GREEN CARD SITUATION

IF WE LIVED UNDER THE SAME ROOF.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT
THIS SPARE BEDROOM

THAT I NEVER GO INTO
WHICH YOU COULD WORK IN

UNDISTURBED ALL DAY,
AS I'D BE AT WORK.

OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T MEAN
"MOVING IN" MOVING IN.

RIGHT. THE ONLY THING IS,
THERE'S ACTUALLY THIS GUY

WHO I HAVE KIND OF GONE DOWN
THE ROAD WITH ON A PLACE,

AND I FEEL LIKE I'D BE
KIND OF LEAVING HIM

IN THE LURCH IF I JUST...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THANKS. BYE.

JERRY...

YEAH. I CAN'T...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO
TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

I'M, LIKE, STILL
SPINNING FROM THAT,

AND IT WAS...

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN HAVE
A DRIVER'S LICENSE YET, OK?

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT, SO...

BUT I'M JUST GONNA...

I'M GONNA LET MYSELF
OUT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

Jerry: I DIDN'T HAVE A WALLET, AND
I WAS MAKING FIVE GRAND A WEEK.

ALL THAT MONEY,
WHAT ABOUT THE SWIMMING POOLS

AND DOING COKE
IN LIMOS ALL NIGHT?

TRY SLEEPING ON NICKY'S COUCH,

EATING HIS PAINKILLERS,

AND DRIVING A '76 CADDY.

Mose Allison;
♪ WELL, A YOUNG MAN ♪

♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THIS WORLD
THESE DAYS ♪

♪ WELL, A YOUNG MAN... ♪

WHERE ARE MY PILLS?
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY PILLS?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- BENNY'S PERCODAN, THEY'RE GONE.

WHAT DID I DO WITH THEM?

DID I PUT THEM IN THERE?
DID I MISPLACE THEM?

- YOU KEEP THEM IN THIS THING?
- YES.

NO. THEY'RE NOT IN THERE.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I COULD'VE DONE.

- DID I PUT THEM HERE?
- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THEY COULDN'T
HAVE JUST GOTTEN UP AND WALKED AWAY.

LET'S FIND THEM, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S SCOUR THE HOUSE. YOU TAKE THAT SIDE.
I'LL TAKE HERE.

OK. SCOUR, BUT, I MEAN,
BE THOROUGH

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO GO
THROUGH ALL THAT STUFF.

THEY GOT TO BE
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

COULD VOLA HAVE TAKEN THEM?

IS THAT POSSIBLE THAT VOLA
COULD'VE TAKEN MY DRUGS?

I DOUBT VOLA WOULD DO THAT.

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT
SHE WOULD DO IT,

BUT I DON'T KNOW HER
AS WELL AS YOU DO.

I DON'T WANT TO RUSH
TO JUDGMENT.

JUST KEEP LOOKING.

WHERE THE FUCK
ARE MY DRUGS, MAN?

- THIS...
- NICKY. NICKY.

- NICKY!
- WHAT?

CHILL OUT FOR A SECOND.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.

VISUALIZE THE LAST
TIME YOU REMEMBER

ACTUALLY SEEING THE PILLS.

IF I WAS PERCODAN,
WHERE WOULD I BE?

BATHROOM MAYBE?

BATH...

THAT'S SO OBVIOUS,
IT COULD WORK.

I'LL CHECK THE REST OF
THE ROOM IN HERE, OKAY?

I'M ON IT IN HERE.

YOU KNOW, IT COULDN'T
JUST WALK AWAY.

- ANY LUCK?
- NO. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

- NOPE.
- KEEP LOOKING.

OH, YOU CAN STOP LOOKING, JERRY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND ANYTHING.

DIAGRAM OF A SCAM.

DIAGRAM OF A SCAM. SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN, JERRY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

DIAGRAM OF A SCAM. LET
ME LAY IT OUT FOR YOU.

- OKAY, NICKY. FIRST OF ALL...
- OKAY. EXCUSE ME.

LET ME FINISH THIS.
YOU AND I GO OUT.

LITTLE BENNY,
INNOCENT LITTLE BENNY,

COMES IN, STEALS THE DRUGS,

MAKES OUT, IS RIGHT NOW HIGH AS A KITE.
WE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.

- THAT LITTLE FUCKER BENNY.
- THAT LITTLE FUCKER.

HE, LIKE, SEES HIS ANGLE, AND HE PLAYS IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
WEIRD FEELING ABOUT THAT KID.

WELL, I MEAN, SLOW
DOWN A LITTLE BIT

BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD FRIEND.

- NICKY, HE'S 12 YEARS OLD.
- YEAH. RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Woman on answering machine: THIS IS A
MESSAGE FOR JERRY. I'M HIS SISTER.

JERRY, YOU...

YOU BETTER CALL ME.
YOU HAVE TO COME...

WELL, COME BACK TO PITTSBURGH.

MOMMY DIED. SHE, UH...

♪ TAKE YOUR TIME ♪

♪ BACK UP A LITTLE BIT ♪

♪ COME ON NOW, PEOPLE ♪

♪ GET YOURSELVES OUT OF IT ♪

Woman: SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU WENT BACK TO SANDRA?

Jerry: NO. I WAS SENTIMENTAL
AFTER CLEANING UP MOM'S BLOOD,

SO I WENT TO A BAR
WHEN I GOT BACK TO L. A.

Man on TV: WITH LOS ANGELES
HOLDING A ONE-POINT LEAD.

AT 15-14, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Different man on TV: SUNDAY,
MR. CHOMPERS HAS GOT A NEW PET.

Mr. Chompers: BRAD, MEET BESSIE.

WHAT A DIVINE BOVINE.

TURN IT OFF, JOE.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.

Jerry: SHE HATED "MR. CHOMPERS,"
WHICH TURNED ME ON IMMEDIATELY.

I'M JERRY.

DAGMAR...

FROM DRESDEN.

JERRY STAHL.

STAHL. STAHL.

YOU KNOW WHAT "STAHL"
MEANS IN GERMAN?

IT MEANS JERRY STEEL.

MY HUSBAND
WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

WHY?

- HIS FAMILY MAKES STEEL.
- OH.

OH, WHAT FAMILY IS THAT?

THE KRUPPS.

KRUPPS? AREN'T THEY
FAMOUS NAZIS, RIGHT?

MM.

YOU LIKE IT NOW?

SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

I THINK THIS QUALIFIES
AS A SPECIAL OCCASION.

- KISS ME.
- WHAT?

KISS ME.

I'M BEING FUCKED BY A JEW!

- JERRY, HI.
- IS IT TOO LATE?

NO. NO. COME IN.

LOOK. I HEARD ABOUT YOUR MOM.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

LOOK. I'VE JUST MADE A CUP OF TEA.
I'LL GET YOU ONE.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SIT DOWN, OKAY?

CAN I STAY HERE?

CAN I STAY HERE?

Woman: YOU'RE
SERIOUSLY DISTURBED.

HMM? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING HOME.

COME ON. COME BACK TO BED.

GOD, YOU'RE A MESS.

OH, WELL, YEAH.

I KNEW WE HAD
SOMETHING IN COMMON.

IT TOOK ME EVERYTHING I
HAD, BUT I GOT CLEAN.

YEAH. I KNOW, REMEMBER?

WHY, BECAUSE YOU'RE,
WHAT, 50 DAYS CLEAN?

THAT'S NOTHING. YOU'RE
STILL A FUCKING JUNKIE.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE
TO GO BACK TO REHAB

AND I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

I'M NOT AFRAID, JERRY.

BULLSHIT, YOU'RE OUT HERE
COMPLETELY ALONE

IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING
NOWHERE WORKING SOME WEIRD JOB.

WHEN IS THE LAST TIME
YOU ACTUALLY HAD FUN?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU ACTUALLY
LET YOURSELF HAVE A GOOD TIME?

NOW, HERE, RIGHT? THIS IS IT.

NOW, RIGHT, THE LAST DAY,
AND IT JUST FREAKS YOU OUT.

- YOU ARE TOTALLY AFRAID.
- AND YOU'RE SO FUCKING INTIMATE.

FUCK?

WHAT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

MY NAME IS KITTY.

KITTY?

IS THAT FUNNY?

NO. I JUST...

I DIDN'T TAKE YOU
FOR A KITTY, BUT...

- WHAT?
- KITTY. AWW.

- WHAT?
- KITTY.

- KITTY.
- KITTY.

- KITTY.
- OHH...

MM, I GOT TO GO.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW.
YOU'LL MISS THE BEST PART.

BY NOW, SANDRA AND I
WERE DEEP INTO THE CHARADE.

WHOOPS, SORRY. DROPPED THE IRON.

I'LL GIVE YOU A TYPICAL DAY.

SHE WAKES UP AT 7:00,
HEADS TO WORK.

JERRY, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.

JERRY, I'VE GOT TO...

NO. OH.

Jerry: TWO HOURS LATER,

I SLIME OUT OF BED
AND START MY REGIMEN.

I WAKE UP, UNCROSS MY EYES.

ALL RIGHT, OW!

♪ WHEAT GRASS, WHEAT GRASS ♪

LITTLE WHEAT GRASS BECAUSE
HEALTHY EATING IS MY LIFE.

THEN IT'S OUTSIDE
FOR A FIVE-MILE JOG.

Kitty: WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'D SHOOT HEROIN
AND RUN FIVE MILES?

HEY, I WAS AN L. A. JUNKIE.
I HAD TO STAY FIT.

THEN IT WAS OFF TO BEVERLY HILLS.

TO CRANK OUT THE SNAPPY PATTER.

HELLO.

JERRY, MY GOD,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

DID YOU READ MY NOTES?

NO, CRAIG. I DID NOT READ THE
NOTES BECAUSE I JUST GOT HERE,

BUT I'D BE HAPPY
TO READ THEM IMMEDIATELY.

OK. IT'S OBVIOUSLY A LOGISTICAL,
NOT A CREATIVE, PROBLEM.

PLEASE.

HELLO, JERRY. THIS SHOW SUCKS.

AND YOU'RE THE ONLY
MOTHERFUCKER THAT CAN HELP US.

HE'S FREAKING ME OUT, CRAIG.

HE'S FREAKING ME OUT
WITH THE PUPPET.

OK. WE START THE FIRST ACT
WITH A FLASHBACK

TO SEE MR. CHOMPERS SEEING BRAD AND
KATIE HAVING THEIR FIRST FIGHT,

ONLY WE AGE KATIE AND BRAD
BACK FIVE YEARS

AND THEN BEGIN THE SECOND ACT
EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

WE HAVE LITTLE MR. CHOMPERS
HERE GOADING EVERYBODY ON.

AH, AH, HE GOES
TO THE FREEZER...

COME ON, MAN. GIVE IT TO ME.
GIVE IT TO ME.

OK, TO REPAIR AN
ORANDALAN FLESH TRANS...

THAT'S GOOD. I LIKE THAT.
I LOVE THAT.

IT'S BETTER. JERRY, DIG IN.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
WALK HIM THROUGH IT.

I GOT TO CALL THE NETWORK.

- I GOT TO PEE.
- HAVE A GOOD PEE.

Jerry: THEN I'D LEAVE THE
OFFICE, HOP IN THE CADDY,

TURN ON SOME
TWISTED TALK RADIO...

HOLLYWOOD,
THE ONLY TOWN IN AMERICA.

WITH A 24-HOUR
SELF-HELP STATION...

SHOOT BACK ACROSS TOWN
TO EAST L. A...

NOT TOO MUCH TRAFFIC
HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION...

JUST IN TIME TO HOOK UP
WITH MY REGULAR CONNECTION.

AND SURROGATE FAMILY
DITA AND HER SON MIGUEL.

AW, JERRY, MAN, YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

HEY, I'M JEWISH. I NEVER GOT
TO DO THIS WHEN I WAS A KID.

Miguel: YOU DIDN'T HAVE A
CHRISTMAS TREE? HOW COME?

AYUDARLO. AYUDARLO.

YOU HEARD OF THE JEWS,
MIGUEL, RIGHT?

YEAH. SO WHAT?

DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.

SO, HOW'S MIGUEL
DOING IN SCHOOL?

- HE'S DOING GOOD.
- YEAH?

OH, HE COULD DO BETTER.

DOES HE DO HIS
HOMEWORK EVERY NIGHT?

YEAH, BUT HE COULD
APPLY HIMSELF A LITTLE MORE.

WHEN YOU SAY, "APPLY HIMSELF,"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE COULD GET BETTER GRADES.
HE'S SMARTER THAN THAT.

SMART KID, I'M TELLING YOU.

I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T
HELP ME AROUND THE HOUSE.

I NEED HELP.
THIS PLACE IS TOO BIG.

HE NEEDS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, A FATHER FIGURE.

HE DON'T NEED NO FATHER.
HE GOT ME.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I
SHOULD, LIKE, TAKE HIM

TO A BALL GAME SOMETIME
OR SOMETHING...

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, JUST
PAL AROUND WITH HIM.

OH, HE'S JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.

HE EATS, AND HE EATS,
AND HE NEVER GETS FAT.

WHERE DOES IT ALL GO?

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

GOT A LITTLE SCHNAUZER
DOWN THERE?

- YOU WANT A TOMATO?
- TOMATO?

- IS IT ORGANIC?
- YEAH.

FRESH OFF THE PRODUCE TRUCK.

OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NO.

NEVER MIND. I'M NOT HUNGRY.

JERRY ONLY EATS HEALTHY.

TOMATOES ARE HEALTHY.

SOAKED IN CHEMICALS, AMIGO.

HA HA HA!

HO HO. HO HO. OH.

HEY, JERRY, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE GOING?

EXCUSE ME, SIR. TICKET.

- HEY.
- JERRY, WHAT HAPPENED?

MY BAD. MY BAD.

I WAS CAUGHT IN THIS
AMAZING WRITING GROOVE.

I WAS IN THIS WRITING HEAVEN

FOR, LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG,

AND I TOTALLY LOST TRACK
OF EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, I WAS ON MARS,
OVER THE MOON.

I MEAN, STUFF WAS
COMING OUT OF ME.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS CHANNELING
STRENBERG OR SOMETHING

BUT, LIKE,
A FUNNY VERSION OF IT,

AND I ZONED.

- I'M JANA FARMER.
- HEY. HEY.

I TRIED CALLING
THE HOUSE, JERRY.

I KNOW. THAT PHONE,
OKAY, THE RINGER'S FUCKED...

EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE,
BUT IT'S REALLY...

AND THIS PLACE... AM I CRAZY?

THIS PLACE USED TO BE ON LA BREA

BECAUSE I'M DRIVING
UP, UM, LA BREA,

AND IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE,

AND THEN THE GUY TELLS ME
THAT IT'S OVER HERE.

ANYWAY, I'M REALLY SORRY
WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE,

- YOU KNOW, TO EAT AND...
- YOU HUNGRY?

BECAUSE THE CHEF IS DOING
A CURBSIDE THING NOW.

YOU CAN JUST PULL THE CAR UP,

AND HE'LL RUN OUT WITH AN
ARUGULA SHAKE OR SOMETHING.

- ARE YOU BEING... HA HA HA!
- OOH! YEAH.

NOT HUNGRY.

JANA IS A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE, JERRY,

AND SHE'S READ YOUR WORK,
AND SHE LIKES IT.

OH, I LOVE IT. I LOVE YOUR WORK.

I THINK YOU'RE
A TREMENDOUS WRITER.

OH, NO. I'M NOT
A TREMENDOUS WRITER.

I HEAR YOU ARE
A FANTASTIC AGENT.

AND I'M NOT JUST BLOWING
SMOKE UP YOUR CRACK.

I MEAN, SANDRA TELLS ME
THE REAL DEAL ON THIS SHIT.

SHE SAYS THAT AMONG YOUR PEERS,

YOU'RE CONSIDERED
THE BEST AGENT IN THE WORLD.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'VE HEARD THAT

BECAUSE I'D LOVE
TO REPRESENT YOU.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT A HUGE
CAREER AHEAD OF YOU.

OH, I'LL FUCK IT UP,
GIVE ME A CHANCE.

NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO
SAY ABOUT IT, LISTEN.

I REGRET WE DIDN'T GET A
CHANCE TO TALK OVER DINNER,

BUT I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY CARD.

I WANT YOU TO CALL ME TOMORROW.

I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.

I'M BLOWN AWAY.
I MEAN, THIS IS...

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHY, THAT'S VERY EUROPEAN OF YOU.
THANK YOU.

IS THIS, LIKE,
AN EAST INDIAN THING OR...

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T
KNOW FROM WHENCE IT COMES.

I'LL MEET YOU BY THE CAR, OKAY?

- HEY...
- NICE MEETING YOU.

IT WAS WONDERFUL MEETING YOU.

SHE'S WONDERFUL.

YOU KNOW, JANA IS
GONNA TAKE ME HOME,

SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

IS EVERYTHING COOL?

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT LATER, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.

SO, WHAT'S AN AGENT DO?

Jerry: OH, HOW CAN
YOU EAT THAT CRAP?

- IT'S SO BAD FOR YOU.
- RIGHT.

THIS FROM A MAN
WHO SHOT UP BLACK TAR

- SMUGGLED ACROSS THE BORDER IN PEOPLE'S ASSES.
- YEAH.

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S NO MSG.

SO, YOU GET THIS AGENT,
AND THEN WHAT?

GET A GREAT GIG, HUGE ADVANCE,

BLOW ALL OF IT ON DOPE,

AND COP A HABIT
THE SIZE OF UTAH.

- OH, GOD.
- HEY!

DON'T YOU KNOCK, HUH?

I'M TRYING TO GET DRESSED HERE.

- CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
- YEAH.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS.

IT'S JUST BEEN CRAZY LATELY,

YOU KNOW, WITH THE SHOW
AND THE PLAY,

WITH NICKY, AND,
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST...

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

IT'S, LIKE, A WHOLE, YOU
KNOW, NEW THING FOR ME,

MAKING MORE MONEY THAN MY DAD.

- JERRY, CRAIG IS FIRING YOU.
- WHAT?

HE'S GETTING RID
OF YOU TOMORROW.

THAT'S IMP...

I SAVED HIS ASS LAST MONTH.
THAT'S BULLSHIT.

HE LIKES YOU.

HE JUST CAN'T WORK
WITH YOU ANYMORE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS LATE,
YOU'RE ERRATIC,

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS HIGH.

DID HE SAY THAT?

DID HE SAY ERRATIC,
OR IS THAT YOU, LIKE,

- PUTTING A LITTLE SPIN ON IT OR SOMETHING, HUH?
- NO.

MY WORDS WOULD BE
VERY DIFFERENT.

YEAH? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOUR WORDS?
WHAT WOULD YOUR WORDS BE, HUH?

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO
FULL OF SELF-HATRED

THAT YOU CANNOT CONTAIN IT,

SO ALL YOU DO IS JUST SHOOT
IT BACK INTO YOUR VEINS

AND LET IT SPILL OUT
ONTO EVERYBODY ELSE.

THAT'S REALLY POETIC.
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

CAN I USE THAT SOMETIME?

YEAH, IF YOU'RE EVER IN A FIT-ENOUGH
STATE TO WRITE ANOTHER LINE.

OK. COULD I HAVE, LIKE,
TWO SECONDS HERE TO...

THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON
OUT HERE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A REALLY COOL PLAY.

JERRY WROTE IT THREE YEARS AGO,

BUT IT'S 50% AVANT POP...

IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE
BECAUSE IT'S 50% AVANT POP,

50% SAM SHEPARD
MEETS ARTHUR C. CLARKE.

WE SPOON-FED IT TO HIM,
AND NOW I HEAR

HE'S GOING ALL AROUND TOWN
PITCHING OUR IDEA

BACK TO ALL THE NETWORKS.

I MEAN, HOW COULD HE DO THAT?

THAT GUY IS SLIME.

I MEAN, HE ACTUALLY HAS HIS SECRETARIES
WRITE HIS SCRIPTS FOR HIM.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT

TO COME TO THESE PARTIES, RIGHT,

AND EVERYBODY
IS TALKING ABOUT WORK.

WHAT, THEY DON'T
HAVE A FUCKING LIFE, YOU KNOW?

I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT I HAVE
A REALLY RICH CIVILIAN LIFE.

I'D LIKE TO THINK
YOU DO, TOO, YOU KNOW?

MOST DEFINITELY, YEAH.

SO, TELL ME,
WHAT ARE YOUR PASSIONS?

MY PASSIONS?

EVERYTHING I DO.

- EVERYTHING?
- YEAH.

HEY, WOULD YOU
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?

NO. I WON'T. I WON'T.

YOU BLEW ME OFF FOR DINNER. YOU
DON'T CALL ME. I GAVE YOU MY CARD.

YOU'RE NOW OBLIGATED TO STAND
HERE AND GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.

YOU'RE COMING BACK, RIGHT?

10% NAKED GIRLS...
JERRY, OF COURSE.

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY,
TELL HER HOW GREAT THE PLAY IS.

IT'S GREAT.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR IMPROV GROUP
THAT YOU'RE IN.

WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

SO, HAVE YOU MET JERRY YET?

- NO. IS HE HERE?
- OH, YES, YES.

HE'S HERE, BUT HE'S REALLY SHY.

HE'S PROBABLY SORT OF, YOU KNOW,
HIDING IN A CORNER SOMEWHERE.

BUSY.

Mr. Chompers: HEY, JERRY,
LET ME IN, WILL YOU?

COME ON. OPEN THE DOOR.

- MR. CHOMPERS.
- DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE. COME ON.

NOBODY COULD WRITE THE SHIT
YOU WRITE STRAIGHT.

YOU OWE ME A TASTE.

DAMN IT! LET ME IN!
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

NO WONDER YOU DON'T
WRITE FOR ME ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE BASICS OF COMEDY...

- FUCKING JUNKIE.
- AAH! NO!

GET THE...

AAH!

DAMN IT, LET ME IN, YOU...

AAH! AAH!

GAAH! GAAH!

WHAT WAS THAT SOUND,

THE ONE THAT WE CAME
UP WITH THE OTHER DAY,

THAT GREAT SOUND?

IT WAS LIKE DOOT,
DOOT, YOU KNOW?

IT WASN'T THAT. I DON'T KNOW.

Jana: IT'S AN AMAZING PROJECT.

IT'S VERY SIMILAR
TO "ACE IN THE HOLE,".

BUT WHAT IT'S LACKING IS SOMEONE
WITH YOUR KIND OF DARK VISION,

AND AT THE END
OF THE DAY, YOU KNOW,

THAT'S REALLY ALL
IT NEEDS TO MAKE IT...

OR MAYBE YOU COULD JUST
READ THE COVERAGE ON IT.

YEAH.

ARE YOU COMING BACK?

BOY, YOU REALLY
PAID YOUR DUES, HUH?

YOU EVER BEEN
TO ONE OF THOSE PARTIES?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ME AND GEORGE HAMILTON,
MAN, WE'RE LIKE THIS.

WELL, IT WAS GETTING TO THE
POINT WHERE I HAD TO SHOOT

SIX BAGS TO TURN ON THE
FUCKING TYPEWRITER.

BY THIS POINT, DITA COULDN'T
KEEP UP WITH MY HABIT,

SO SOME DAYS,
I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

Tom Waits: ♪ HE ROLLED A BLADE
UP IN HIS TRICK TOWEL ♪

♪ THEY SLAP THEIR HANDS
AGAINST THE WALL ♪

♪ YOU NEVER TRIP,
YOU NEVER STUMBLE ♪

♪ HE'S WALKING SPANISH
DOWN THE HALL ♪

AGH!

♪ OR GIVE HIM A SPOON
TO DIG A HOLE ♪

♪ WHAT ALL HE DONE
AIN'T NO ONE'S BUSINESS ♪

JEEZ, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

NOTHING. I JUST
SLIPPED AT THE GYM.

IT'S NOT THERE, JERRY.

WELL, WHERE IT IS?

I THREW IT AWAY.

OH, WHY'D YOU DO THAT, HUH?

JERRY, I CAN'T STAND BY AND
WATCH YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

YES, YOU CAN.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.

LISTEN. I'M SORRY.

HONEY, I KNOW THIS LOOKS BAD,

BUT REALLY, IT'S WORSE
THAN IT SEEMS.

I KNOW, IT'S GETTING
A LITTLE CRAZY, RIGHT?

I KNOW THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING,

BUT IT'S REALLY GONNA BE FINE.

I JUST NEED TO QUIT

ON MY OWN SCHEDULE,
AND I'M GONNA QUIT.

JERRY, I CAN GET YOU
A JOB ON "NO SUCH LUCK."

I KNOW THE PRODUCERS.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT SHOW.

IT'LL BE GREAT FOR YOU TO DO IT.

I COULD DO THAT. IS THAT
WHAT YOU WANT, REALLY?

I JUST WANT US TO BE HAPPY.

I WANT US TO BE HAPPY.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.

YOU ARE SUCH A PRIORITY
FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, I KNOW
THIS SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT I'VE NEVER HAD A
RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY...

DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?

YEAH. I THINK I SHOULD.

THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, IT
SEEMS LIKE A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

I'M GONNA CALL SOME REHAB
PLACES TOMORROW, OKAY?

OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THANK YOU.

I SWEAR, THIS IS JUST LIKE GAS

TO GET ME TO
THE HOSPITAL, YOU KNOW?

I LOVE YOU.

SANDRA SAID A LOT OF
GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I READ
SOME OF YOUR "CHOMPERS" STUFF.

YOU CAN WRITE,
NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT,

BUT WE'RE NOT DOING
A PUPPET SHOW HERE.

I THOUGHT WE WERE
DOING A PUPPET SHOW.

NO. IT'S NOT A PUPPET SHOW.

- GARY...
- HEY, DARLING.

HI.

HELLO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HAD A
CHANCE TO READ THE SCRIPT,

JERRY, BUT PAMELA HERE
HAS A COUPLE OF IDEAS

ON WHERE WE SHOULD TAKE IT.

WELL, I HATE MY CHARACTER.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT ENOUGH
TO SAY THAT I'M AN ATTORNEY

OR A JUDGE OR WHATEVER
AND THEN JUST WRITE ME

AS THE TYPICAL
LOVE-STARVED SINGLE WOMAN

WHO GETS WET EVERY TIME SOMEBODY
ASKS HER OUT FOR DINNER.

HA HA HA! UH, ABSOLUTELY.

THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD,
HAPPY ACCIDENT.

MY FATHER WAS A FEDERAL APPEALS
COURT JUDGE FOR 20 YEARS,

SO I KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT...

THE CASE THAT HE PUTS
THE GAVEL IN,

THIS LITTLE LEATHER,
BLUE-AND-WHITE, STITCHED THING;

YOU KNOW,
HOW HE CLEANS THE ROBES;

WHAT HE WEARS UNDERNEATH,
ALL RIGHT,

GETTING INTO THAT WHOLE AREA.

BUT, YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE THAT,

THE LITTLE MINUTIAE,
WHICH IS REALLY

WHAT GIVES IT, YOU KNOW,
THE LIFE TO IT.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S GREAT THAT YOU CAN BRING

YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE
TO THIS THING.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S HOW I WORK.

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW,
HOPEFULLY, EVERYBODY...

YOU KNOW, THAT'S
THE CREATIVE PROCESS, REALLY.

YOU'RE JUST KIND OF...

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW?

HAVE I SEEN THE SHOW? IT'S
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL STUFF.

WHAT YOU GUYS DO
WITH THE SHOW IS...

I DON'T WANT TO SAY ART
BECAUSE THAT GETS...

BUT KIND OF.

YOU KNOW, I'D BRING WHATEVER
I CAN BRING TO THE TABLE.

HOPEFULLY, IT'S HELPFUL
STUFF, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ALL I DO, SCOTT,
IS JUST...

NO, NO, NO. GARY.

- JERRY.
- GARY.

I'M... YOU'RE GARY.
I KNOW YOU'RE GARY.

JERRY, I GOT TO MAKE
A COUPLE OF CALLS.

THANKS FOR COMING IN, HUH?

HEY, MAN, YOU DO YOUR THING.

I'M A FLY ON THE WALL.

I HAVE TO MAKE
THE CALLS RIGHT NOW.

MAKE THE CALLS RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.

YOU BE GOOD.

TAKE CARE, MAN.

- PAMELA...
- OKAY, JERRY.

- THANKS FOR COMING IN, HUH?
- OKAY.

MIND IF I... INDULGE?

JERRY...

YOU'RE EASY TO SPOT
FROM A DISTANCE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN MY SHOW.

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS ALL...
I THINK I GOT NERVOUS.

BULLSHIT.

I BET $50 I'D FIND TRACK
MARKS BETWEEN YOUR TOES.

LOOK. I SAID I WAS SORRY, SO...

DON'T BE SORRY,
IT'S A SHITTY SHOW.

BUT THEY'RE PAYING ME AN
OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY,

WHICH I NEED BECAUSE EVERYTHING
I MADE WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

I EITHER DRANK AWAY, SNORTED UP
MY NOSE, OR DROVE IN THE POOL.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

LOOK. I WANT YOU TO
WRITE FOR MY SHOW...

IF YOU CAN GET CLEAN.

OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT GARY?

OH, PLEASE.

IF YOU FUCK UP, YOU WON'T EXIST.

Man:
ANY ALLERGIES TO MEDICATION?

Jerry: NO.

TAKING ANY PRESCRIPTIONS DRUGS?

NOPE.

THINK YOU CAN KICK?

EXCUSE ME?

METHADONE WILL GET
RID OF THE SHAKES,

BUT YOU'RE BASICALLY TRADING
ONE HABIT FOR ANOTHER

WHEN YOU WANT TO QUIT.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

WELL, THAT'S VERY INFORMATIVE.
THANK YOU.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN USING?

A COUPLE YEARS.

YOU WON'T MAKE IT. IT'S A CYCLE.

PROBABLY BE USING
AGAIN IN A MONTH,

THEN BACK HERE, ET
CETERA, ET CETERA.

I'LL START YOU OFF AT 80
MILLIGRAMS, 21-DAY DETOX...

SHOW UP HERE ONCE A WEEK
AND PISS IN A CUP.

- ANY QUESTIONS?
- PISS IN A CUP?

YOU DON'T SOUND VERY OPTIMISTIC.

YOU WANT OPTIMISTIC?
SOME PEOPLE MAKE IT.

SOME PEOPLE END UP DEAD.

GOOD LUCK.

Man: HEY, WHAT'S UP?

HEY, MAN.

I'M GUS.

HEY, GUS. JERRY.

GET YOUR TANG?

- TANG?
- YEAH.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.

IT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT,
BUT IT DOES THE TRICK.

YEAH, MM-HMM.

GIVE ME A SECOND.

I ONLY LIKE DEALING TO MY KIND,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THESE FUCKING NIGGERS OUT HERE,

PUT A STENCH ON THEIR MONEY.

PUT THEIR MONEY
IN YOUR POCKET, MAN.

AND YOU GOT NIGGER STENCH
ALL OVER YOUR MONEY.

COME ON, TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS, MAN.

THIS AIN'T THE USUAL
STREET SHIT.

THIS IS GOURMET.

UH, IT'S, YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T, UH...

I CAN'T. THANKS, GUS, BUT CAN'T.

CAN'T WHAT?

I GOTTA, YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA TRY NOT...

GOTTA WHAT, MAN?

TRY TO SHUT THE MOTHER DOWN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AW, COME ON. SHUT THE
MOTHER DOWN TOMORROW.

LOOK, MAN, THIS SHIT WILL
PUT YOU THROUGH THE ROOF.

THANKS, MAN. I GOT TO GO.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

JESUS, I'M ONLY TRYING TO
FUCKING DO YOU A SOLID HERE.

JUST RELAX, MAN.

DON'T BE CHEAP, MAN.

HOW MUCH?

SLOW, BABY.

I CAN'T BREATHE.

ALL RIGHT, KEEP BREATHING.

BREATHE.

I AM.

HA HA!

OH, FUCK, MAN.

LOOK AT MY VIEW, BABY. HMM?

DO YOU LIKE MY OFFICE?

LOOK AT MY VIEW, JERRY.

FUCK ME.

JESUS! WHAT ARE YOU
FUCKING DOING?

HA HA!

COME ON, COME ON. GET UP.

♪ CHANGE MY PICTURE,
SMACK MY PICTURE ♪

IT'S MY TURN.

♪ CHANGE MY PICTURE,
SMACK MY PICTURE ♪

♪ CHANGE MY PICTURE,
SMACK MY PICTURE ♪

♪ CHANGE MY PICTURE,
SMACK MY PICTURE ♪

EASY, EASY!

♪ SMACK MY PICTURE. ♪

WHAT, YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

NO. MY KID'S GOT
PONY LESSONS IN A HOUR.

I'M HERE, THOUGH, I'M HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

IT'S GREAT. WRITE IT DOWN...

WHOA!

YOU OKAY, JERRY?

HI. YEAH, I'M COOL.

HEY, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

COULD YOU PLEASE GET
ME A GLASS OF WATER?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SORRY I'M LATE.

OKAY, SO, WHERE WE AT?

NEXT SEASON'S NOTES.

OKAY, I REALLY LIKE
THE IDEA OF BREAKING

THE FOURTH WALL IN A NEW WAY.

I JUST... I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED

THAT IT'S GONNA GET OLD
BEFORE THE SEASON'S OVER.

NO, NO, NO. PAM.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GUY HATES ME, RIGHT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "NOSFERATU"?

OR, LIKE, FRITZ LANG'S "M"?

OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
HOW ABOUT, LIKE.

"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"?

THE FIRST TIME I SAW THAT THING,

IT GAVE ME NIGHTMARES
FOR THREE NIGHTS.

THE POINT IS, REALISM...

IS DEAD.

EXPRESSIONISM IS WHERE IT'S AT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST A PRODUCT
OF PUBLIC EDUCATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

NO. I THINK WHAT JERRY'S
TRYING TO SAY IS

HE WANTS TO EXPRESS
THE EMOTIONS EXTERNALLY,

YOU KNOW, LIKE
IN A SET, IN MUSIC...

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT... WHY CAN'T
PAMELA JUST WALK IN ONE DAY,

BELT IT OUT AND SING IT.

JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW,
FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

WE'RE TALKING IT'S YOU AND BERT,
YOU AND BERT, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
BOOM, SHE POPS OUT,

AND SHE STARTS SINGING, OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT. SHE'S
DOING, LIKE, ETHEL MERMAN,

♪ OH, I LOVE A PARADE ♪

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU TURN AROUND, AND A SWIMMING
POOL OPENS UP BELOW EVERYBODY,

AND THEN WE GO RIGHT
BACK INTO THE SCENE,

WE NEVER EVEN MAKE
ANY MENTION OF IT.

IT'S ALL UNSAID.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT IS?
THAT'S HOT.

Kitty: SO NOBODY COULD
TELL YOU WERE FUCKED UP?

Jerry: OH, NO, I WAS
FIRED IMMEDIATELY.

Man: AND A BEAR CLAW.

NO, NO.

YOU KNOW, WE TOOK THE KIDS
TO DENNY'S LAST NIGHT.

MY STOMACH FLIPPED.

WAS IT SOMEBODY'S BIRTHDAY?

Jerry: OF COURSE, I
DIDN'T TELL SANDRA.

YOU GO THERE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY,

AND THEY GIVE YOU A FREE MEAL.

Jerry: BUT I WASN'T WORRIED.

I STILL TOOK A LOT OF MEETINGS.

UNFORTUNATELY
THEY WERE ALL WITH GUS.

EXCUSE ME. DID I SUMMON YOU?

DID I ASK YOU TO COME OVER HERE?

JUST DOING HER JOB.

I'M TRYING TO DO MY JOB.

THIS IS WHERE I DO BUSINESS.

WELL, SHE'S DOING HER BUSINESS
'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITRESS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

WHY DON'T YOU MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

NYEH NYEH NYEH.

HA HA! LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU.

WHAT'S THAT?

DILAUDID.

I DON'T WANT IT.

PUT IT AWAY. MIGHT BE UNDERCOVER IN HERE.
PUT IT AWAY.

WELL, YOU JUST
PUT IT ON THE TABLE.

I PUT IT BY THE SUGAR.

ALL RIGHT.

PUT IT AWAY. YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

YOU'RE WRITING FOR THAT MARTIAN.

YOU'RE DOING FINE.

- WASN'T FROM MARS.
- WHATEVER.

TASTE MY MOUTH.

WHO LOVES YOU, JERRY?

YOU DO, GUS.

NO, I CAN'T STAND YOU.
TELLY SAVALAS.

HA HA HA!

YOU DON'T GET IT.

"WHO LOVES YOU, BABY?"

HA HA!

YOU KNOW WE HAVE WAY
TOO MUCH IN COMMON.

THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK.

TRUST ME, IT'S BETTER IN A
MOTEL THAN IN A MARRIAGE.

HEY.

HI.

YOU SICK?

NO.

WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

DID YOU GET FIRED
FOR BEING TOO ERRATIC?

YOU SEEM HAPPY?

YES, I DO HAVE A LITTLE
JAUNT TO MY STEP, DON'T I?

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

I'VE BEEN MADE VP
CREATIVE AFFAIRS.

WOW. VICE PRESIDENT OF
CREATIVE AFFAIRS IS GREAT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE... WHAT IS THAT?

ARE YOU IN CHARGE OF ADULTERY
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

WE SHOULD GO CELEBRATE.

NO. I MEANT, THANK YOU...

FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

I KNOW IT HASN'T BEEN EASY.

OH... YEAH, WELL...

I'M PREGNANT.

WHAT?

I'M PREGNANT.

I WENT TO CEDARS YESTERDAY
AND THEY CONFIRMED IT.

JERRY?

GET OUT!

I DON'T EVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

GO!

OH, PLEASE!

OUT! I DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!

YOU HAVE A BABY?

NINA.

THAT'S A PRETTY NAME.

MMM...

DID YOU EVER SEE HER?

NO. I KINDA GOT IT TOGETHER
TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN, BUT...

OH!

WHY SHE WANTED ME THERE,
I'LL NEVER KNOW.

I'D BEEN PRETTY MUCH INTOXICATED
THE WHOLE NINE MONTHS.

SANDRA.

Woman: FETAL MONITOR.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO
START THIS WITHOUT ME,

- DIDN'T I?
- OH!

OKAY, HOLD ON!

HOW'S SHE DOING?

Woman: SHE'S ONE MINUTE APART.

OH!

AH, I CAN FEEL THE BABY'S HEAD.

IS EVERYTHING OK?

PUT THIS ON, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
SHORT-SLEEVES, THOUGH.

IT'S REGULATION.

OKAY, CAN I... CAN I
JUST WEAR MY SHIRT?

I MEAN, THIS IS
VERY CLEAN. IT'S...

HEY, IT'S YOUR BABY COMING.

IF I WAS YOU, I'D HURRY.

FUCK.

Jerry: HEY.

CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE A BABY GIRL.

OH, GOD, I MISSED IT.

OH, BABY.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

HEY... ARE YOU OKAY?

HMM? ALL RIGHT.

OH, I MISSED IT. I'M SORRY.

Doctor: COULD I, UH.
HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

- HMM?
- ONE SECOND.

EXCUSE US.

BABY ALL RIGHT?

BABY'S FINE.

Kitty: SO WHAT TIME'S YOUR BUS?

LEAVES IN AN HOUR.

SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE
BACK IN L. A.?

NOTHING.

JUST MY KID.

DO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO STAY?

YEAH, THIS CHRISTIAN ROCKER
FROM REHAB NAMED BUDDY.

HAS GOT A STUDIO IN HOLLYWOOD
HE SAID I COULD CRASH AT.

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO BACK?

UH-UH.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, I FIGURE...

FOR NINA I SHOULD...

I WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT.

CAN YOU?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

YOU WANT TO COME
WITH ME AND FIND OUT?

OKAY.

WELL, YOU WANT
TO GET BACK IN BED?

JESUS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHATEVER YOUR PARENTS
DID TO YOU,

THEY SURE GAVE YOU
A PAIR OF CAST-IRON BALLS,

I'LL GIVE 'EM THAT MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, JUST CHECKING.

LAST CHANCE FOR
THE OLD KOSHER JOY RIDE.

HA HA.

WELL, CAN I CALL YOU?

SURE. CALL ME. WHY NOT?

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT I
FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING
TO SAY TO SOMEBODY.

OH.

OKAY.

OKAY.

♪ I WANT A FREE RIDE ♪

♪ JUST TO SEE
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ♪

♪ BUT EVEN IF IT FEELS RIGHT ♪

Kitty: YOU HAVE A BABY?

Jerry: NINA.

SO YOU TOOK CARE OF HER EVEN
WHEN YOU WERE STRUNG OUT?

AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, YEAH.

UNTIL ONE NIGHT SHE CALLED.

WHEN I WAS JONESING
LIKE A LAB RATE.

Sandra: JERRY, LISTEN,
I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.

Kitty: AND?

SOME STORIES YOU CAN TELL.

SOME YOU SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

TRYING TO PRETEND
THEY NEVER HAPPENED.

Sandra: ABSOLUTELY NO
ONE TO TAKE CARE OF NINA.

WELL, CAN'T YOU JUST
TAKE HER WITH YOU?

NO, I CAN'T TAKE HER WITH ME.

I'M MEETING WITH
THE NETWORK ALL DAY.

AND VOLA IS WORKING,
MY SISTER'S OUT OF TOWN,

THE FUCKING SITTER HAS THE FLU.

OK, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE HER.

ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT
GETTING HIGH, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FINE.

BETTER BE.

Sandra: MY PLANE LANDS AT 11:00.

SO I'LL BE WITH YOU
AROUND 12:00, OKAY?

12:00. OKAY.

- HAVE YOU GOT ANY QUESTIONS?
- UH-UH.

YOU'VE GOT THOSE
INSTRUCTIONS I GAVE YOU?

YEAH. I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE.

JERRY, YOU CAN'T FUCK THIS UP.
I'M REALLY DEPENDING ON YOU.

RIGHT. THAT'LL... RIGHT. OKAY.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS AT ALL,

YOU CALL ME AT THE HOTEL, OKAY?

YEAH.

BE CAREFUL.

OKAY.

- WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN?
- YOUR DIRECTIONS SUCKED.

YOU GOT A BABY?

SHH!

COME ON, LET ME SEE
THE BABY. WHAT?

I'M NOT GONNA WAKE HER UP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHAT IS THIS, A CLUB?

WHAT? IT'S MY FRIEND'S PLACE.

I'M NOT GONNA BRING
THE BABY IN THERE.

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T
BRING THE BABY IN THERE.

GIVE ME THE MONEY. IT'S ALL SET UP.
COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'LL BE BACK
IN A FLASH. COME ON.

NO, NO. I DON'T... NO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO, NO, NO?

I'M NOT...

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU THEN.
YOU DON'T TRUST ME NOW?

OKAY...

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE, OKAY.

THANK YOU. JESUS CHRIST.

HOLY SHIT.

THAT'S IT. I'M OUT.
I'M WIPED OUT.

RELAX.

LET THE KID SUCK ON
YOUR NIPPLE, ALL RIGHT?

GUS!

GUS!

SHIT!

UH, IS THIS STEVE-O?

THIS IS... HI.
I'M A FRIEND OF GUS'.

AND HE TOLD ME
TO GIVE YOU A CALL.

I'M ACTUALLY TRYING
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

HE SAID YOU MIGHT KNOW
WHERE HE'S AT.

I'M A FRIEND OF GUS'.

HE'S... HE'S... NO, NO, NO.

IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
I'M A FRIEND OF HIS.

HE JUST SAID
IF I WAS LOOKING FOR HIM,

YOU'D KNOW WHERE HE'S AT,

'CAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO GET TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT A COP.

HELLO? I'M NOT A
FUCKING COP, ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU.

AH!

COME ON.

FUCK'S THAT NUMBER?

YES!

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE
A COLLECT CALL FOR STEVE-O

FROM GUS.

- HEY.
- OH, JESUS CHRIST.

JERRY, GET OUT OF HERE.

NO, NO, DON'T.

NO, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.

UM... I GOT YOU A MUFFIN.

OH, NO, NO. JERRY,
YOU CANNOT COME IN HERE.

YOU CANNOT DIE HERE, MAN.

YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING.
COME ON, PLEASE.

LIKE A, YOU KNOW,
COTTON, SOMETHING HERE.

A MUFFIN.

I KNOW YOU LIKE
DOUBLE CHOCOLATE.

AAH!

WHAT?

THIS IS IT. OKAY? THIS IS IT.

NOW, DON'T COME
BACK HERE NO MORE, OK?

'CAUSE I GOT A WARRANT ON MY
ASS!

Woman, over radio: At 4 a. m.

Stand up for you rights.

Man, over radio: Right here on
your personal radio station,

K. Y. T. A.

Energy is the source.

Nothing happens without energy.

And the more of it you have,

the more of your personal
potential you're gonna tap into.

But see, energy's like the gas
that drives the car in traffic.

You don't want to run out
of emotional gas

when you're climbing
the hill of success.

Otherwise, you'll find yourself
coasting back downhill.

And that's what happens
to a lot of people.

How many of you, for example,

could remember a day when you woke up
feeling really tired and lethargic?

How many can remember
a day like that?

For some of you, it was recent.

Now, when you wake up
feeling really tired...

Not usually the first thought,
is it?

First thought,
where is the coffee?

Oh, my God, not another Monday.

You know, when I came here
to New York,

I got an education.

I first started coming here
about two years ago.

I remember about
my third trip in,

I came on a Wednesday,
you know, mid-week,

and I'm sitting in the back
of the car here, right,

and I turn on the stereo...

comes on, he goes, all right,
out there, ladies and gentlemen,

we made it! It's hump day!

You know what hump day is?

Wednesday. Yeah.

Some people look at Wednesday
as hump day...

Can you imagine
if large numbers of people

spend five days out of every seven
looking forward to only two of them?

Some people live for two days
out of every seven.

Can you imagine living that way?

Having such a boring,
disgusting life

you look forward
to two out of seven?

See, the bottom line is,

My Monday is better than
most people's Christmases

'cause I've learned how
to communicate with myself...

CHRIST.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU CHANGED THE BABY?

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
IT IS, OFFICER...

KIDS...

I WAS JUST ON MY WAY
RIGHT NOW TO GET A DIAPER.

CAN I SEE SOME LICENSE
AND REGISTRATION?

KEEP IT DOWN.

WAKE THE KID.

GET OUT OF THE CAR,
DUMB SHIT. COME ON.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
SOCIAL SERVICES A CALL.

WE GOT A BABY TO PICK UP.

STEP TO THE FRONT
OF THE VEHICLE, PLEASE.

COME ON, WATCH YOUR HEAD.

WHEN YOU VISIT THE SUPERMARKET,

DO YOU PURCHASE CANNED
DAIRY PRODUCTS EVERY VISIT,

EVERY OTHER VISIT,
OR ONCE IN A WHILE?

UH, GOOD EVENING, SIR.

I'M CALLING FAMILIES LIKE YOURS

TO ASK A COUPLE OF QUICK QUESTIONS
ABOUT YOUR SHOPPING PRACTICES.

DO YOU VISIT THE SUPERMARKET
MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK OR LESS?

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

SANDRA DOESN'T LIKE
TO TALK ABOUT YOU,

BUT, UH, I KNOW
YOU HAD A BAD RIDE.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S
THE BEST I'VE HEARD IT PUT.

HUH. AS LONG AS IT'S
COOL WITH SANDRA,

YOU CAN COME BY AND SEE
NINA ANYTIME YOU WANT.

I HAVE A KID UP IN MARIN.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

THANKS.

HEY, HERE THEY ARE.

HEY, CAN YOU GET A WIPEY?

SHE'S GOT SOME INK OR SOMETHING
ON HER FACE.

- YEAH, SURE.
- THANKS.

- HEY.
- GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?

LET ME GET HER CLEANED UP.

SHE'S A BIT OF A MESS.

SHE'S NOT A MESS.
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL MESS.

SHE'S GETTING INTO
EVERYTHING AT THE MOMENT.

CAN I HOLD HER?

YEAH, SURE.

HERE. IT'S OKAY.
GOOD GIRL. GOOD GIRL.

HEY, SWEETIE, HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

MARVELOUS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN.

NEVER SEEN L. A.
STRAIGHT BEFORE.

HEY, SHE LIKES YOU.
DOESN'T GO TO ANYBODY.

LOOK AT THAT, SANDRA.

IT'S SWEET.

YOU KNOW, JERRY, I'VE GOT TO GO.

GOOD GIRL.

GOOD GIRL. GOOD GIRL.

CAN I SEE HER TOMORROW?

WELL, I'M HAVING
THIS BRUNCH HERE TOMORROW.

IT'S GONNA BE
PRETTY HECTIC, YOU KNOW?

ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT MONDAY?

DAYTIME'S BAD. IT'LL HAVE
TO BE IN THE EVENING.

ALL RIGHT. I WAS KIND OF HOPING

WE COULD MAKE THIS
A REGULAR THING.

DON'T MAKE IT DIFFICULT,
JERRY, OKAY?

YOU'RE ON A THIN STRING ALREADY.

OKAY. FINE.

HMM...

BUDDY?

HELLO?

HI.

YOU WRITE ME A LOVE
LETTER OR SOMETHING?

MY GOD.

CAN I COME IN?

YEAH.

WOW.

YEAH, IT'S, UM...

HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

OH. IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

I CALLED VOLA, AND SHE
GAVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.

I MISSED YOU.

NO.

I DIDN'T COME HERE

TO SPEND ALL MY TIME
IN BED WITH YOU.

HEY.

HEY.

I READ THE ARTICLE YOU WROTE.

AND, UH, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

IT WAS GOOD.

SOUNDED LIKE YOU.

PROVED YOU WERE REAL.

SOMETHING THAT YOU NEEDED?

I GUESS SO, YEAH.

YOU HAVE SUGAR?

YEAH.

THANKS.

SO, UH, WHEN DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING BACK?

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I'M MOVING TO ANCHORAGE.

MY BROTHER OWNS
A HATCHERY UP THERE,

AND HE'S GONNA OPEN UP
A BREW PUB,

AND HE ASKED ME
TO RUN IT FOR HIM.

WOW.

WOW. THAT'S TERRIFIC.

A BREW PUB, HUH?

IMAGINE ME BEHIND THE BAR,

LIKE WITH A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN
FISHERMEN OR SOMETHING?

GOSH. YOU HAIR IN PIGTAILS

AND... PARKA... FROZEN BAIT.

THAT'S GREAT.

I NEVER BEEN TO ALASKA.

IT'S SO FUNNY. I, UM...

WHAT?

NO, I JUST THINK ABOUT
YOU ALL THE TIME.

GOING AND PLAYING WITH NINA,

AND, UH, I JUST
KIND OF WONDER WHAT

YOU'D THINK OF HER.

WHEN I'M ON THE BUS,
LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

I KIND OF... WONDER
WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK AT.

WE GOT UNDER
EACH OTHER'S SKIN, HUH?

FUCK.

I'VE BEEN HURT A LOT, YOU KNOW?

I'VE MADE A LOT OF
REALLY DUMB MISTAKES.

JERRY STAYS OUT A
LONG TIME THESE DAYS.

- OK?
- OK.

Kitty:
JERRY, I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE.

ANOTHER OF OUR FAMOUS GOOD-BYES,

SO I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT
MY FLIGHT WAS THIS MORNING.

I'M NOT MUCH GOOD AT THESE
THINGS, SO I'LL JUST STOP.

NO, I CAN GO ON A LITTLE MORE,
I GUESS.

I WILL MISS YOU.

AND EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU'LL
NEVER SHOW UP IN ANCHORAGE,

I'LL ENTERTAIN THE NOTION
NOW AND THEN.

SEE YOU LATER.

Man, over radio:
During the 1980s,

Jerry Stahl was
a successful television writer

making $5,000 a week.

At the same time, he also had a $6,000
a week heroin and cocaine habit.

His dark and funny book is
called "Permanent Midnight."

It's a raw account
of the depths of his habit

and how he was able
to claw his way out.

When you got to Hollywood

and you're working on
these series that I mentioned,

These were big series.

What kind of a double life
must you have lead?

Because you had to at some
level perform as a writer.

Well, Tom, the beauty
of Hollywood is

that everybody's
so self-obsessed,

they don't really notice
what anybody else is doing.

So basically, they come
filing in in the morning

with their cappuccinos
and croissants,

and I'd come bouncing in
with my heroin and syringes,

and pretty much lock
myself in the office

and get really pleasant for
about an hour and a half.

Let's peel away a few
more layers here with Jerry.

Tell us the story as I kind
of teased into this segment

about the birth of your, uh...

of your child.

Well, Maury...

Jerry: PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING
HEROIN DROVE YOU TO DO.

I ALWAYS ANSWER
SHOWING UP ON MAURY.

But that's what you do
when you're a junky.

Your number one job
is to shoot junk.

I'm sure Damian
will concur with me on this.

I agree with Jerry

that the damage is
irre... reprepable.

Jerry: THAT'S THE
TROUBLE WITH SURVIVING.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, ROLLING
INTO A PTA POTLUCK DINNER.

OR PAYING THE GAS BILL
CAN BE MORE TERRIFYING.

THAN THE WORST 3:00 A. M.
NARCOTIC HELL.

Yep, wow.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I GOT OUT WITH A BAD LIVER
AND ENOUGH DEBT.

TO KEEP ME IN HOCK
TILL I'M 90...

IF I'M STILL HERE.

Jerry Stahl, junkie.

We'll be right back.

AND WITH MY LUCK, I WILL BE.

♪ IT CAN COME
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE ♪

♪ HITS YOU WHEN YOU THINK
YOU'VE WON ♪

♪ TAKE IT EASY, MY STAR,
YOUR TIME IS GONNA COME ♪

♪ YOUR TIME IS GONNA COME ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU GOT
THOSE CRAZY BLUE EYES ♪

♪ YOU GOT THOSE CRAZY BLUE,
ALL THOSE PRETTY SMILES ♪

♪ I CAN SEE THEM LAUGHING AT
YOU, YOUR TIME IS GONNA COME ♪

♪ YOUR TIME IS GONNA COME ♪

♪ OH, I DON'T WANT TO BE
YOUR PUNCHING BAG ♪

♪ YOUR COMPLACENT LITTLE
FRIENDS ARE SO TRAGIC AND SAD ♪

♪ I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU
OVERWHELM ME ANYMORE. ♪

Please rate this subtitle at %url%
Help other users to choose the best subtitles