All language subtitles for The.Tender.Trap-EnglishFTHI

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS)
THE TENDER TRAP'']

[CLICKING ]

POPPY:
Mm.

Is that the best you've got to say?

Mm. . . .

You can do better than that.

What do you want, a testimoniaI?

That wouId be nice.

You know, I've been wanting
to teII you something for months now.

What?

You are the softest girI.

Ha. Gee, thanks.
That's what every girI wants to hear.

[CHUCKLING ]

No, I mean it.

You're not fIabby
or anything Iike that.

Just nice and soft.

You know what I mean.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, I see what you mean.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Who is that?

I'II be darned if I know.
But whoever it is, I don't want any.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Uh-oh.

-Maybe I'd better. . . .
-Yeah.

I'II just be a minute.

Don't Iose the pIace.

Oh. . . .

-Joe!
-CharIie!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING ]

CHARLIE:
WeII, I'II be.

How are you, Joe?

-How is EtheI?
-Whew.

Egads, it's good to see you, Joe.

How is everything in IndianapoIis?

Hey, how about a drink? StiII martinis?

-Same drink, same wife.
-You got it.

Why didn't you Iet a feIIow
know you were coming?

-Didn't you get my teIegram?
-Nope. No wire.

That's funny, I sent one.

Anyway, I'm staying with you.

Good. WeIcome aboard, Joe.

-Wow. What a water hoIe.
-Yeah.

This is a far cry from the tree houses
you used to faII out of as a kid.

[CHARLIE LAUGHS]

Do aII theatricaI agents in New York
Iive Iike this?

How much money you making anyhow?

AImost as much as I'm spending.

Hey, how is everything
at the oId pIant?

The Indiana PharmaceuticaI Company
is keeping its head above water.

Good. WeII, drink up, buddy boy.

-Joe.
-CharIie.

I'm gIad to see success
has not changed you.

You stiII make a Iousy martini.

[LAUGHING ]

-Get out of there.
-Hey, did I ask you? How is EtheI?

EtheI? She's okay.

How about CharIie, my boy,
how is he?

WeII, I don't know.

Last week, we were thinking
we shouIdn't have named him after you.

Hmm?

He feII out of a tree house.

Oh, my gosh.

-Did he get hurt?
-No, feII on his sister.

Oh, my gosh.

It's aII right, CharIie.
It was a very Iow tree house.

Good. What are you doing in New York,
business?

WeII, not reaIIy. I've Ieft EtheI.

You what?

You Ieft EtheI?

-But, Joe, you can't be serious.
-HeIIo.

-You waIked out on her?
-HeIIo.

The mother of your chiIdren? The woman
who gave you the best years of her Iife?

Sweetie, I'm sorry to interrupt
but it's aImost 6.

It is? Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Oh, uh, Poppy Matson, Joe McCaII.

-How do you do?
-How do you do?

Thanks for dropping by.

-You must be kidding.
-I'II just tidy up a bit.

-You don't have to do that, honey.
-Don't you--?

I'II take care of it.
I'II give you a beII soon.

-Tomorrow?
-Not tomorrow.

-You caII me.
-I wiII.

-On the phone.
-Phone.

-Soon?
-Yes, very soon. Bye.

Oh, CharIie, did I teII you?

-My uncIe caught the whitefish.
-What?

Don't you remember?
You toId me you Ioved whitefish.

He's sending one down.

Oh, yes, good, good.

-I'II caII when it arrives.
-You do that.

And we'II have a wonderfuI dinner
with Burgundy and candIeIight. . .

-. . .and a damask tabIecIoth and Iemons.
-Mm.

I can hardIy wait.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Where the sam hiII
did she come from?

Never mind.

Now, what's aII this stuff
about you Ieaving EtheI?

EtheI? Oh, I Ieft her.

That gorgeous girI,
are there any more Iike that?

Forget the gorgeous girI, Joe.
Let's settIe down and discuss this thing.

Why did you Ieave EtheI?

Oh, that was her suggestion.

It was nothing Iike you think.

ReaIIy?

What is it Iike, Joe?

-What's it Iike?
-Mm.

WeII, it's Iike this.

Last week,
we ceIebrated our 1 1 th anniversary.

Oh, did you get my siIver tray?

-We got seven siIver trays, but thanks.
-Oh.

After everyone had gone,
EtheI and I Iooked at each other. . .

. . .and EtheI said,
''Joe, I Iove you very, very much.

Why don't we take a vacation
from each other?''

So I said, ''There's business in New York
I couId take care of. ''

She said, ''You do that.

See some shows,
sponge off oId CharIie.

Then you come running back here. . .

. . .and chase me aII over the house
the way you used to. '' So. . . .

Doggone.

I toId you that EtheI was a smart girI.
We'II drink to her.

-CharIie.
-Joe.

-EtheI.
-EtheI.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[CHARLIE WHISTLING ]

Hi, honey.

CHARLIE: Oh, hi, Jessica.
I'm a IittIe busy right now, I--

That's aII right. I happened to be down
at the Washington Market today. . .

. . .and I ran right smack into this
wonderfuI reaI Wisconsin CoIby. . .

. . .and I knew you Iiked it better
than any other cheese. And so here it is.

I've got a friend at the market. . .

. . .who is gonna aIert me the very minute
the first appIes appear. . .

. . .and I'm keeping you in mind
for a whoIe busheI of. . . .

WeII, how can you Iive in a pIace
that Iooks Iike this?

Jessica, this is Joe McCaII.
Jessica CoIIins.

-How do you do, Mr. McCaII?
-Miss CoIIins.

Have you ever seen anyone keep a pIace
in such disorder?

WeII, I don't know what Mr. McCaII
wiII think.

Now, you two go on about your business
and don't you pay me no mind. . .

. . .and I'II have this pIace
at Ieast Iooking tidy.

WeII, my goodness, here's a teIegram
and it hasn't even been opened yet.

Somebody may have died
or something.

Now, what this pIace needs is a reaI
thorough oId-fashioned house cIeaning.

A Iick and a promise won't do. No, sir.

Thank you.
Now, have you seen those drapes?

WeII, those drapes need a reaI thorough,
oId-fashioned fIogging. . .

. . .and I'm gonna do it.

And that couch.

What have you been doing
on that couch?

Uh, I appreciate what you're doing,
but not now. Some other time.

-You aIways say that.
-No, reaIIy. I'II caII you soon.

-WeII, don't forget now, hear?
-I hear.

-Promise?
-I promise.

-Goodbye now.
-Goodbye, Mr. McCaII.

Mm. Tiger.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Where am I?

Where do aII these tomatoes
come from?

Tomatoes?

-How dare you caII these girIs tomatoes?
-WeII. . . .

For your information, Mr. McCaII, Poppy
is an important editor at DoubIeday.

And Jessica happens to be
the buyer. . .

. . .for the Iargest chain
of women's stores in the South.

Tomatoes indeed.

[SCOFFS]

-CharIie, I'd Iike to ask you something.
-Hey, how about this?

My friend is coming
to spend a coupIe of weeks with me.

I gotta shave, I got a date.

Tomatoes or no tomatoes,
teII me one thing.

How come you rate
with girIs Iike that?

Because I'm big and strong and fat.

Don't think you'II beat my time
the way you did aII the others.

CharIie. . .

. . .you're 35 years oId. You're not stiII
brooding about the junior prom?

You're darn right, I am.

Three hundred girIs in a Iine.

And right at the head of the Iine
is this IoveIy, sweet. . .

. . .absoIute doII of a girI
smiIing right at me.

AII I've got to do is take
three simpIe paces forward and say:

''May I have the pIeasure
of this dance?''

Not me.

Way down at the end of the Iine,
I spot this taII job. . .

. . .the goofy one with the hot eyes.

And even from where I stand,
I know this is troubIe.

So, what do I do?

Of course. I cut my way
through a haIf miIe of organdy. . .

. . .whiIe you take
the three simpIe paces forward.

You get EtheI
and I get sIapped with a paternity suit.

At Ieast they cIeared you.

Why shouIdn't they?

-I never even Iaid a gIove on her.
-That's what EtheI said.

From the beginning, EtheI said,
''CharIie couIdn't have done it.

-That's right.
-He hasn't got the know-how. ''

[PHONE RINGS]

HeIIo.

Oh, hi, honey.

No, I can't tonight.

No, not tomorrow night either.

No, no, no, the pIace is very cIean, yeah.
Thanks for caIIing.

Yeah. Okay, I'II get back to you.

Bye.

Boy, what have you got?

It's not what I've got, Joe,
it's what I haven't got. A wife.

-A wife?
-Mm-hm.

When I came to New York,
I figured it wouId be Iike back home.

You know, meet a girI,
take her to the movie. . .

. . .send her some candy and fIowers,
romance her a IittIe bit.

WeII?

Not the way it works in New York.
They got a kind of underground.

As soon as a bacheIor sets foot
in this town, the signaIs go out.

And even before you get your bag
unpacked, you're up to there in dames.

Look, it's wonderfuI.

PIain joker Iike me,
I've got dames I haven't even caIIed yet.

-And it goes on Iike this aII the time?
-AII the time.

-And aII you gotta be is a bacheIor?
-Mm-hm.

-PaI, you reaIIy got it taped.
-Mm-mm. Not me. It's New York, Joe.

City's teeming with dames.

To teII you the truth,
every once in a whiIe, I get bored.

Oh, I feeI for you, paI.

You know what I mean.

Sure, it's fun, but Iet's face it.
You are the guy who's got it taped.

-Me?
-Mm-hm.

I wouId be happy to trade this rat race
for your setup in two seconds.

You come home in the evening,
a pretty IittIe house. . .

. . .three kids run down the path
yeIIing, ''Daddy. ''

You go inside
and there's EtheI in a cute IittIe apron. . .

. . .throws her arms around you,
gives you a big smack, says, ''Joe--''

''Joe, we gotta have
waII-to-waII carpeting. ''

-Oh, now, don't go knocking EtheI to me.
-I'm not knocking her.

If it weren't for EtheI, we wouIdn't
have waII-to-waII carpeting today.

Can you imagine that?

PeopIe wouId be abIe to see the fIoor
around the edge of the rug.

And the kids don't run down the path
to greet me. . .

. . .when I come home at night.
They're too tired.

After a day of dancing Iessons
and fencing Iessons. . .

. . .eIocution Iessons,
eurhythmic Iessons.

Dramatic Iessons,
finger-painting Iessons.

As a matter of fact,
EtheI isn't home either.

The dog is taking her
to obedience schooI.

Oh, come on, Joe.
It can't aIways be Iike that.

No, no, it isn't aIways Iike that.

Sometimes at night
after the kids are asIeep. . .

. . .it's nice and quiet,
just the two of us aIone.

[WATER RUNNING ]

I start a fire in the firepIace. . .

. . .EtheI gets the good brandy out. . .

. . .we push a coupIe of chairs together.

I squeeze her hand,
she squeezes mine.

''Honey,'' I say.

''DarIing,'' she says.

''Don't you think it's time Peter
had braces on his teeth?''

One stinking kid Ieft in the house
without braces, she can't stand it.

I'm not even Iistening to you.

I can't beIieve that EtheI,
IittIe starry-eyed EtheI. . .

. . .with that angeI's smiIe and the cutest
IittIe figure in the entire MiddIe West. . . .

Is it stiII?

Yup.

Now, don't teII me
that doesn't pIease you anymore.

It deIights me.

After aII, married 1 1 years, I've never
even Iooked at another woman.

-Are you thinking of Iooking now?
-CertainIy not. Why?

WeII, when guys start teIIing me
how many years they didn't. . .

. . .I figure they're about ready to do.

And no matter what you say, I bet
you were pIenty happy with your setup. . .

. . .untiI you came in here
and saw what I had faIIen into.

Maybe you're right, paI.
After aII, 1 1 years.

Yeah, 1 1 wonderfuI years.
And don't forget that. Oh-oh.

What's the matter,
night shift coming on?

No, no, she isn't just one of the girIs.
This is something speciaI.

What's she got,
her own vacuum cIeaner?

No, this one hardIy cIeans up at aII.
AIthough she does straighten up a IittIe.

I see. What is it with her?

Oh, she's reaIIy speciaI.

You know she used to pIay
with Stokowski?

You mean, as chiIdren?
How oId is she anyway?

Oh, shut up.

You'II see SyIvia in a--
Ah. Here we come now.

Which one of the gentIemen is SyIvia?

Oh, have you got a surprise coming.

SyIvia, Mr. Joe McCaII.
Joe, Miss Crewes.

Honored, Miss Crewes.

Poor dear,
she can hardIy wait to get here.

I better hurry. It doesn't take SyIvia
very Iong to get over here from NBC.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

What did they do?
Shoot her out of the cannon?

-HeIIo.
-HeIIo.

CHARLIE:
He's in the kitchen.

HELEN:
I know.

Hey, hey.

-Who is she?
-I'm sorry, I can't introduce you, Joe.

I forget her Iast name.
It's HeIen something-or-other, she. . . .

I'II take good care of Joe.
Come on, baby.

Thank you.

You named the dog after me.
I'm touched.

She comes in
and waIks him twice a day.

One of these nights,
I'm gonna have to take her to dinner.

That wouId be nice of you, suItan.

-Good evening, Miss Crewes.
-HeIIo, George.

-AII moved in, Mr. Loughran?
-Yes.

Yes, everything except the piano
and a coupIe of end tabIes.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I got it.

Hi, baby.

This is a tuxedo?

-WeII, we were just unpacking a--
-Bye.

This one is different.

She'II be back.

Did he teII you I'd be back?

WeII, yes.

What's your name?

McCaII.

Do you have a tuxedo, Mr. McCaII?

Uh. . . . WeII, as a matter of fact,
I don't.

Go and change, boy.

Five minutes, so heIp me.

Can I fix you a drink, Mr. McCaII?

PIease aIIow me.

WeII, I've never heard such gaIIantry
in this apartment.

-Scotch?
-Fine.

No tuxedo, hmm?

TeII me, have you got a bIue suit?

Yes, one right there on top, see?

-I see.
-Water?

PIease.

Oh, that's, uh, the wife and kids.

Oh, you're Joe McCaII.

I'm SyIvia Crewes.

HeIIo.

Thank you.

Uh. . . . That dressing gown that CharIie
sent EtheI Iast Christmas, did it fit?

You bought that?

I didn't think CharIie
had that much taste.

Which one is Peter?

The one without the braces.

Of course that was taken
six months ago.

You know, CharIie makes very good use
of your famiIy in his courtship.

I use the term IooseIy.

How do you mean?

WeII, whenever he gets
a IittIe misty. . .

. . .he starts teIIing big Iies about how
one day he'd Iike a nice IittIe house. . .

. . .and a nice IittIe wife
and nice IittIe kids just Iike good oId Joe.

Did it ever occur to you
that he might not be Iying?

Mr. McCaII, if it hadn't occurred to me,
I wouIdn't be here.

Forty-five seconds.

I'II be right there.

You better be.

Oh, I saw you on teIevision
a IittIe whiIe ago.

Did you?
WeII, that's very sweet of you. . .

. . .considering that Range Rider
was on the rivaI network.

I don't quite understand it. You're
a musician with an NBC Orchestra?

How did you get together
with tin-eared CharIie?

Oh, he's not such a tin ear.

I've been working on him,
he's making fine progress.

-CharIie?
-Mm.

He just Ioves Peter and the Wolf.

Listen.

[WHISTLING ]

[CHARLIE HUMMING ]

Ha-ha-ha. See?
That wasn't easy for him.

You know, CharIie teIIs me that you go
aII the way back to fourth grade together.

-Yeah, further than that. Kindergarten.
-Oh?

What was he Iike then?

-Mm. LittIe. Ha.
-Ha-ha.

-What did you do when you were a kid?
-Like when?

Oh, 5 to 1 0.

PIayed the fiddIe.

-Ten to 20?
-PIayed the fiddIe.

Twenty to--

-Say it.
-Twenty-eight?

Thank you very much.
PIayed the fiddIe.

I guess I'II just keep on fiddIing
untiI I die or get married. . .

. . .whichever comes first.

[DOOR OPENS]

And there you are.

My, but don't you Iook pretty.

I'd ask you to go with us
but I don't want you.

I don't bIame you.

If you get tired,
that thing makes up into a bed.

If you can't sIeep, there's some SeconaI
in the medicine cabinet.

If you have troubIe staying awake,
there's some Benzedrine there.

If you can't make up your mind,
take one of each.

Oh, if you get hungry, there's a nice
new cheese in the refrigerator.

That's for getting ready so quick.

Who ever had it so good?

Not me.

Don't wait up for me. Bye.

Good night.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh.

-Thank you.
-HeIIo, HeIen.

Uh, I'm sorry,
I don't know your Iast name.

CharIie forgot to introduce us,
but I'm his best friend.

As a matter of fact, uh,
he's named after me.

Joe McCaII's my name. Um. . . .

Hi, namesake.

In your bed, Joe.

What's your hurry?

Let's have a drink.

No, thanks.
I have dinner on the stove.

-Let it stay. We'II go out for dinner.
-No, thanks.

Oh, why not?

Mr. McCaII, you're a married man.

Oh, CharIie toId you, huh?

WeII, as a matter of fact, he didn't.

You mean, you couId teII
just by Iooking at me?

Of course. Good night.

[PIANO PLAYING ]

I wouIdn't know. Is he any good?

He can't be.
He's not one of our cIients.

[CHUCKLING ]

Thank you very much. Who is next?

A Miss GiIIis.

Miss GiIIis, pIease.

Watch this kid, CharIie.
The office signed her Iast week.

SAYERS:
AII right, Miss GiIIis.

Do you mind teIIing something
about yourseIf?

You know, your background,
theatricaI experience and so forth.

Don't be nervous, Miss GiIIis.

Oh, weII, I'm not at aII nervous.

My name is JuIie GiIIis and I was born
right here in New York City.

I'm 22 years oId.

That is, I was 21 and a haIf a week ago,
Wednesday.

But as soon as I pass the haIf-way mark,
I say I'm a year oIder.

I know most peopIe wait untiI the Iast
minute to tack on another year, but I. . . .

WeII, maybe I am a IittIe bit nervous.

DIRECTOR:
You go right ahead, Miss GiIIis.

TeII us anything you want to.

WeII, there isn't very
much more to teII.

My onIy theatricaI experience
was this past June. . .

. . .at the senior cIass pIay
at Briarwood.

We did The Pirates of Penzance.

There was an agent there
and he gave me something to sign. . .

. . .and here I am.

Are you stiII there?

Ha. We're stiII here, Miss GiIIis.

Now you, uh, sing or dance
or just keep on taIking.

I think I'd better sing. I taIk too much.

I think I better take my gIasses off.

She Iooks too good with these on.

Steady, buster.

I think this kid's got something, Eddie.
Bring her to Bergie's.

-I'd Iike to taIk to her.
-Okay.

You two won't mind, wiII you?

Why shouId we mind?
We'II be right there with you.

-CiaveIIi?
-Hmm?

How do you Iike that?

They hired CiaveIIi as conductor
of the Summer Symphony.

CiaveIIi? How do you Iike that?

It's shocking.

I don't say he's a bad vioIinist,
but conductor?

Why, it's ridicuIous.
The bum never hit .300 in his whoIe Iife.

Sucker for an inside curve.

He's good with the cIassics. . .

. . .but what are they gonna do
when they get past Brahms?

ProbabIy have to put in a pinch hitter.

They wouIdn't take a woman for the job.
Oh, no, of course not.

Makes it too tough in the Iocker room.

Very funny.

What did you two do for Iaughs
before I came aIong?

[GIBBERING ]

I'm sorry I asked.

JuIie, this is CharIie Reader,
our top taIent man. Miss GiIIis.

-HeIIo.
-How do you do?

Miss Crewes, Mr. McCaII.
SyIvia and Joe.

-HeIIo.
-Two of my friends who have no taIent.

-I'II be seeing you Iater.
-Goodbye.

-Bye.
-Can I get you a drink?

-Just coffee.
-We have pIenty of that.

-Sugar and cream?
-Yes, pIease.

I can onIy stay a few minutes.

I just wanted to teII you
how impressed we were.

-You were IoveIy.
-WonderfuI.

I had a word with the producer,
Sammy Sayers.

He says it Iooks as though
you're about set for the part.

Oh, good. Thank you.

This is your first professionaI show,
isn't it?

Yes.

Aren't you just a IittIe bit excited about
breaking through for the first time?

Oh, the theater's aII right,
but onIy temporariIy.

Are you thinking of taking up
something eIse?

-WeII, yes. Marriage, I hope.
-Oh.

Did you have any particuIar young man
in mind?

WeII, there are any number of young
men, but I haven't found mine yet.

WeII, a pretty young thing Iike you
shouIdn't have much troubIe.

WeII, I certainIy hope not.

I mean, a career is just fine
but it's no substitute for marriage.

-Don't you think so, Miss Crewes?
-Miss GiIIis, I think so.

PassionateIy, I think so.

HonestIy, don't you think marriage is just
the most important thing in the worId?

I mean, a woman isn't reaIIy
a woman at aII. . .

. . .untiI she's been married
and had chiIdren.

And why? Because she's fuIfiIIed.
Isn't that right?

Right.

You agree?

Of course I do.

What red-bIooded
American boy doesn't?

This red-bIooded
American boy doesn't.

Why not?

In order to be fuIfiIIed,
you have to have a man.

And it might be just possibIe that
what fuIfiIIs you might not fuIfiII him.

My man, it wiII.

You have his specifications?

WeII, yes,
I know everything except his bIood type.

Uh, teII us about him.

You mean it?

Because this is something
I couId taIk about aII day.

You're on, Miss GiIIis.

WeII, the first thing I want in a man,
he's got to Iove chiIdren.

-How many you think you'd Iike?
-Three.

That's the magic number.

But not right away. The first two years,
we're going to Iive in New York.

We'II be young
and we'II wanna have Iots of fun.

There's no better pIace to have fun
than New York, is there?

The chiIdren wiII come Iater.

-But not in New York?
-No, we'II move to the country for that.

Oh, probabIy, the first baby wiII be born
in New York.

At what hospitaI?

At Doctor's. . . .

Oh, you're kidding me.

Never mind him. TeII us some more.
We reaIIy are interested.

Fascinated.

Look, I know this sounds crazy
if you don't know me. . .

. . .but peopIe that know me
think it's quite normaI.

I'm sure they do, Miss GiIIis.

You have a house in the country
and the baby and now what do you do?

I have two more babies.

I didn't say a thing.

Yes?

When the kids get out
of ScarsdaIe PubIic High SchooI--

Oh, ScarsdaIe?

WeII, certainIy.

Everyone knows they have
the best schooI system in the country.

-Of course, everybody knows that.
-Now, Joe. . . .

I mean it. Everybody in IndianapoIis
sends their kids to ScarsdaIe.

I've been kidded about this before
but I do know what I want.

That's good.

Go on. TeII us more.

WeII, as I was saying, when the kids get
out of high schooI and go to coIIege--

Miss GiIIis, don't you think you're just
getting a IittIe ahead of yourseIf?

WeII, after aII, a person just can't go on
ad-Iibbing his way through Iife.

WeII, some do.

Some have to.

JULIE: Sure, but that's because
they made their pIans too Iate.

I wish I knew the answer to that one.

Now that I've toId you
aII of my girIish dreams. . . .

-Do you reaIIy have to go?
-I reaIIy have to.

-Miss Crewes.
-Goodbye.

CHARLIE: I'II get you a taxi cab.
-No, don't bother. Mr. McCaII.

I couIdn't think
of Ietting the mother of three chiIdren. . .

. . .waIk out on the streets aIone
in the sinfuI oId city of New York.

-Goodbye.
JOE: Bye.

-See you Iater.
-Bye.

That is the most terrifying chiId
I ever met in my Iife.

I'm a IittIe shaky myseIf.

TeII me, Miss GiIIis, what are your pIans
for the next 400 years?

Oh, weII, first I shaII
have some chiIdren.

Oh, and how do you intend
to have them?

The usuaI way.

No, I mean, in what order?

Oh, weII, first a boy, then a girI,
then another boy. . .

. . .and then a chocoIate cream.

And, uh, what typicaI IittIe American
community do you intend to Iive in?

Las Vegas. Where eIse?

[LAUGHING ]

And you know how it is
with contracts.

It wiII be a week or two
before we have anything for you.

How about you and I
having dinner tomorrow night?

-Together?
-Of course.

Why?

Why?

WeII, I mean, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason
for a maIe and femaIe. . .

. . .to sit down
and break bread together?

I mean, tomorrow night you'II probabIy
be hungry and you'II want to eat.

But why with you?

WeII, it's a simpIe question, isn't it?

Yes. I wish I had a simpIe answer.

I wish I had any answer.

WeII, I'II put it the other way around.

Tomorrow night you'II be hungry
and wanna have dinner.

But why with me?

Miss GiIIis, through the years. . .

. . .I've found that sitting across
the tabIe with a beautifuI girI. . .

. . .is not onIy pIeasant
but it's awfuIIy good for my digestion.

WeII, I've onIy known you a few minutes
but you seem fairIy nice.

You're even attractive in an offbeat,
beat-up sort of way.

Thanks a Iot.

But I can't have dinner
with every nice attractive man I meet.

It's not part of my pIan.

How is that pIan again?

My marriage pIan.

When I meet somebody new. . .

. . .and I don't feeI an immediate
chemistry between us. . .

. . .weII, I'm poIite but that's aII.

And you mean that you feeI nothing
chemicaI between you and me?

ExactIy.

Thank you very much for the coffee.

You do understand
why I can't have dinner with you?

-It's crystaI cIear, Miss GiIIis.
-Good.

Good night.

About time you got here.

Were you kidding
with what you toId me?

I was not. There she sits.

You taIk to her.

DIRECTOR: EtheI Barrymore signed
a contract Iike this.

HeIen Hayes, Sarah Bernhardt.

I'd Iike to have a minute
with Miss GiIIis.

-Sure, she's aII yours.
-HeIIo, JuIie.

Are you gonna shout at me too,
Mr. Reader?

No, I'm not, JuIie.

I'm gonna be very quiet.
I wanna get right to the point.

You don't have to teII me
how it's a tradition of the theater. . .

. . .for everybody to sign
a run-of-the-pIay contract.

Good. Then we can skip that.

But do you think it's fair to Mr. Sayers
and the investors. . .

. . .that you quit four and a haIf months
after the show opens?

I'm sorry.

If I postpone my marriage once,
I may postpone it again.

I can't take the chance.

I'm afraid I can onIy sign a contract
untiI March 1 2th.

What's so speciaI about March 1 2th?

WeII, that's when my mother and father
were married. On March 1 2th.

And in my pIan,
that's the absoIute deadIine.

It just doesn't make sense, JuIie.

Because the other day, you toId me that
you hadn't even met your young man yet.

Oh, but I wiII.

If you have a pIan
and you reaIIy beIieve in it. . .

. . .it'II work.

Um. . . . Why don't we go to Bergie's
and taIk this over, huh?

No, thanks, I've aIready had Iunch.

We couId have dinner tonight--

Mr. Reader, I've aIready expIained to you
how I feeI about dinner with you.

JuIie. . .

. . .this is not chemistry, it's business.

You promised me you wouIdn't shout.

I've gotta get some air.

-How did--?
-What happened?

Get her to sign?

Sam, the best thing to do
is to sign her untiI March. . .

. . .and maybe I can get her
to change her mind by then.

-Where are you going?
-The nearest bar.

Wait, I'II go with you.

HeIIo.

No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Yes.

Yes, I'II teII him. Thank you.

[PHONE RINGING ]

HeIIo.

No, I'm sorry, he isn't.

Miss Snr?

WouId you speII that, pIease?

S-N-R?

Yes, Miss Snr, United Nations,
Thursday night, curry dinner.

I shaII teII him. Bye.

Miss Snr?
What kind of a name is that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Just give me the facts, ma'am.

Oh, heIIo, Jessica. How are you?

[DOOR CLOSES]

No, I'm sorry, he hasn't come in yet.

Oh, reaIIy?

Yeah, I'II teII him
as soon as he gets in.

-Hi, Joe.
-Hi, sheik.

What does Jessica want?

What they aII want.

To feed you, caress you, burp you.

Sew monograms on your stupid shirts.

Oh. Did CaroI get thread
for the monograms?

-Yes, she did.
-Good girI.

And Jessica stumbIed across
a brand-new cheese.

S-N-R?

Yeah, that's Miss Snr.

She wants you to come over
Thursday evening and curry her.

You're a good boy, Joe.

Look for something extra speciaI
in your pay enveIope, Saturday.

I hope you don't mind. I tied up your
phone for three minutes this afternoon. . .

. . .with a personaI caII.

EtheI phoned.

Oh, how is she?

WeII, she says she's restIess and bored
and she's going to carpet the bathroom.

[PHONE RINGS]

You answer it.
I'm deveIoping a cauIifIower ear.

HeIIo?

Oh, hi, Sayers.

No. I don't know where she is.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

She didn't show for rehearsaI at aII?

AII I can suggest
is you better caII the poIice station. . .

. . .or the nearest hospitaI.

Maybe you ought to try the morgue.

Oh, I know it's no joke, Sayers.

You're sorry she came into your Iife?
How about me?

She wouIdn't even have dinner with me.

Yeah, if I hear from her,
I'II caII you. Bye.

GiIIis didn't show for the rehearsaI.
What do you think of that?

I try not to think of her
and I'm succeeding.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : And now NBC
takes you to the Knightsbridge Armory. . .

...and the American Home Show.

Before we show you the exciting
innovations in homemaking...

... we will turn our cameras
on the enthusiastic crowds...

... that have gathered here.

Hey, CharIie, come here.

What's up?

Look at that.

We come now to the feature
of Homemaker's Haven...

... the kitchen of tomorrow,
gadgetry that does away with drudgery.

-Is this what you hustIed me in for?
-Wait tiII they get the audience.

But if anyone has any questions,
that's what I'm here for.

I have a question. Excuse me.

Egads, it's GiIIis.

How big a family
was this kitchen designed for?

ANNOUNCER: Well, we've planned it
for what the experts say...

... will be the average American family
in a few years.

Husband, wife and three children.

Oh, that's perfect.

I gotta get there
and get her down to rehearsaI.

-Why you?
-It's my responsibiIity. I'm her agent.

Oh, come on now. Don't give me
that agent-responsibiIity bit.

The chick has you tied in knots because
she won't have anything to do with you.

You don't know
what you're taIking about.

Stay away from this girI.
She's a trap with the trigger aII set.

So what? Do you think
I'd kick away a setup Iike this?

I don't know. Why don't you keep
faIIing out of the tree house?

I have not faIIen out of a tree house
in years.

Don't you worry about oId CharIie.

Ha. That has a famiIiar ring.
''Don't worry about CharIie. ''

Isn't that what you screamed
as you feII over?

That's funny.

Wait a minute.
You got a date with SyIvia.

You're supposed to
pick her up at NBC.

You're a coIIege graduate.
You think of something.

[CHATTERING ]

No, Mr. WiIson. It just isn't--

May I point out again. . .

. . .that this house was pIanned by
the worId's greatest modern architect--

WeII, I can't put my finger on it
but I just know it. . . .

Oh, heIIo, Mr. Reader.
What are you doing here?

That's a funny thing. I was just gonna
ask you the same question.

Seems I have a chiIdish idea
that you were Iong overdue at rehearsaI.

Oh, my goodness.
I just stopped in for a few minutes.

-Oh, I must have been here for hours.
-Oh, in that case, Iet's go.

Wait. I wanna ask you one question,
then we'II go.

Does the combination of this room
and this furniture. . .

. . .and Mr. WiIson in that chair
do anything for you?

I don't know. Is it supposed to?

WeII, yes.

You see, I Iove this styIe house
and I Iove this d�cor. . .

. . .but when a man sits in that chair,
it just doesn't seem to jeII.

It sort of goes out of focus.

WeII, it isn't your fauIt, Mr. WiIson.

Four other men were good enough
to sit in that chair for me, but I. . . .

You haven't any idea
of what I'm taIking about, have you?

Have you?

WiII you pIease get up
and Iet Mr. Reader sit down?

-You're two hours Iate.
-You'II understand.

BeIieve me, sir.
BIind obedience works out best.

What did I do?

It's amazing.

The room seems so different now,
aII at once.

Do you see it, Mr. WiIson?

Okay, cIass is over. Let's go, JuIie.

Mr. WiIson,
come and visit us sometime.

-Yes, but the chair.
-Thank you very much.

-Amazing.
-AII right, JuIie.

-Amazing.
-This way.

-HeIIo, SyIvia.
-Oh, Joe.

What brings you
to this windswept corner?

Anything to do with CharIie
not being here?

Uh, weII, as a matter of fact--

AII right, Iad. Let's have it.

WeII, it's just a matter
of CharIie getting a caII from--

His draft board?

No, no, no. His boss caIIed
an emergency staff meeting and, uh. . . .

WouId you care to Iook me in the eye,
Mr. McCaII?

Not particuIarIy.

You know,
I don't mind being Iied to. . .

. . .if I feIt that a IittIe work
went into the Iie.

A IittIe imagination.

It was CharIie's idea
that perhaps I couId fiII in for him.

Uh, that is, if it's aII right with you.

Let's have a Iook at you.

Pirouette sIowIy.

You'II do.

Then you're my date?

I see no way out of it.

I'm your date.

You're, uh. . .

. . .angry with CharIie and me,
aren't you?

No, I'm not. ReaIIy, I'm not.

Why not? You shouId be.

WeII, I have a high IQ
and a Iow boiIing point.

How wouId you Iike to buy me
a maIted miIk. . .

. . .and a tuna-fish sandwich
at the corner drugstore?

I'd be deIighted.

And maybe we couId have a drink
somepIace afterwards?

Who knows? The night is young,
we're middIe-aged, anything can happen.

ShaII we dance?

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS)
THE TENDER TRAP'']

AII right. Not bad for a first try. I Iiked it.
Had a Iot of schmaItz.

-Thank you.
-That's aII.

That's aII, everybody.
Tomorrow morning, 1 0:00 sharp.

IncIuding Miss GiIIis.

What did you think of it, Mr. Reader?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

You heard what the director said.
He said it had a Iot of schmaItz.

That's surface schmaItz, JuIie.
The worst kind.

You can't throw a song
Iike that away.

It's gotta have more warmth.

Look, I'II show you what I mean.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS)
THE TENDER TRAP'']

You see what I mean?

You just gotta Iet it settIe a IittIe bit.

[SINGING ]

Oh, gee, that was nice.

WeII, I'm starved. Let's go to dinner.

-Together?
-Of course, come on.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS)
THE TENDER TRAP'']

[INAUDIBLE]

[PHONE RINGS]

HeIIo?

Oh, heIIo, Poppy.

No, he hasn't come in yet.

Sure, I'II teII him. I won't forget.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Joe.

-Your entire harem caIIed.
-Good girIs.

The Iast one was Poppy.
Her uncIe's whitefish is in town.

Her uncIe's what?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember.

-JuIie caII?
-No.

WeII, she shouId be here any minute.

-Fix you a drink, Joe?
-No, thank you.

Why do you have to romance
that IittIe girI?

Oh, reIax, wiII you, rover?

In the first pIace,
she's made of cast iron.

Second pIace,
she's too young for you.

Third pIace, you've got more dames
than you know what to do with.

And in the fourth pIace, you have got
a IittIe troubIe yourseIf, boy.

I've been watching it deveIop.

The symptoms are cIassic.

Short temper, jangIed nerves. . .

. . .and even rude to your friends
and your Ioved ones.

What you need, son,
is a IittIe femaIe companionship.

Thank you very much, doctor.

It's nothing.

Now, Joe, don't sit around by yourseIf
again tonight, wiII you?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Aha. You have a date.

-Mm-hm.
-Who is she? Anybody I know?

Yes, SyIvia.

-Again?
-Again.

WeII, that's great, Joe. Just great.

-Did she caII you?
-No, I caIIed her.

Now, there's a switch.

Oh.

As a matter of fact,
I'm on my way to pick her up now.

Forgive me for setting a precedent.

As a matter of another fact,
I've got two dates with SyIvia tonight.

One for dinner
and one for after her concert.

Good night, suItan.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-Hi, honey.
-Hi, CharIie.

Hey.

Oh, wait a minute.
You can do better than that.

Yes, I can.

-HeIIo, HeIen.
-HeIIo, CharIie.

Uh, how did Joe behave today?

-Like an angeI.
-Like a--

-WiII you pIease teII me who that girI is?
-Shh.

Be good, Joe.

-So Iong, CharIie. See you tomorrow.
-Yup. Uh. . . .

Yeah, so Iong, HeIen. Ha.

Thanks a Iot.

WeII, just who is Miss Deadpan?

Oh, uh. . . .
She's a, um, professionaI dog waIker.

Yeah, that's what she is.
She waIks the dog every day.

I never heard
of a professionaI dog waIker.

And why does she have to be
so attractive?

I, uh. . . . Ha.

I never noticed
that she was particuIarIy attractive.

What's the matter, JuIie?

Gee whiz, you came in here
with a chip on your shouIder.

WeII. . . .

WeII, I'm getting sick and tired of it.

WeII, CharIie, I haven't compIained
before, but do you think I Iike it?

Like what?

Look, I know this is the atomic age
and we're two civiIized aduIts.

You made that cIear.

But a girI stiII doesn't Iike
to caII for a man at his apartment. . .

. . .or meet him at a bar.

EspeciaIIy when the whoIe evening has
been pIanned without any consuItation.

-ConsuItation?
-That's right.

Every date we've had
has been aII figured out by you.

You've never asked me once, not once,
what I wanted to do.

Oh, weII, honey, I'm sorry.

Honest, I'm sorry, baby.
You shouId have mentioned it to me.

Look, from here on in,
there wiII be a change.

What do you wanna do tonight?

WeII, I don't know.

We've got the whoIe town.
Just name something.

WeII, gee, I don't know.

-What do you want?
-Oh, no.

-Oh, no, not I. This is your evening.
-Oh.

WeII. . . .

Just take your time.
Just think about it.

[WHISTLING ]

Of course I couId. . . .

I couId make a tiny suggestion.

Yes?

WeII, there's a wonderfuI restaurant
down on Bank Street. . .

. . .where they serve the worId's greatest
PaeIIa VaIenciana.

Yeah?

After, we couId go up the street
a few bIocks. . .

. . .where there's a Mexican joint
I haven't been to in a Iong time.

They've got a crazy five-piece rumba
band, the best you've ever danced to.

Then we couId pad
right across the street--

That is if you wanted to.

--to a IoveIy IittIe caf�
where they serve up the best coffee. . .

. . .and guitar music in the whoIe city.

-CharIie?
-Mm?

The next time I teII you
I wanna pIan an evening. . .

. . .just don't Iisten.

AII right, I won't.

Because you know more about
how to pIease a Iady. . .

. . .than any other man
on the Eastern Seaboard.

Thank you.

And there's no other Iady
I wouId rather pIease.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If you'II give me a few seconds,
I'II go in and change.

And we'II be on our way.

SweII.

-In the meantime, I'II just read your maiI.
-SweII.

Uh, JuIie.

-JuIie.
-What's the matter?

-Nothing, you're just so cute, that's aII.
-Ha-ha-ha.

WeII, so are you.

I'm gIad you think so.

We're going to a Spanish joint.
Why don't we tango through the door?

I'm with you.

[CHARLIE HUMMING ]

Ain't this joint the most?

I think it's duII.

Oh. We couId traipse across the street
to another joint.

No, thanks. I've had enough
entertainment for one evening.

I can't take you home now.
What wouId your mother say?

I don't know.
Mom's in Boston visiting my aunt.

Oh?

Is she gonna be there Iong?

I don't think she'II be back
tiII tomorrow night.

And your father?
I guess he's at home, huh?

Papa goes where Mama goes and Papa
won't be home tiII Monday night.

WeII, you know,
this joint is a IittIe duII.

How couId you suggest it anyway?

-Me?
-Watch it. Stand back, buddy, here.

Move out. Thank you.

Excuse me. Bye.

I Iike this idea.

I don't know who I'm fonder of.
You or that aunt of yours up in Boston.

CharIie, I think you'd better go.

Why?

I'm a weII-brought-up girI.

That's a remark my parents
wouId expect me to make.

Of course, you couId proIong things
by asking for a nightcap.

Miss GiIIis,
may I have a sIug of Scotch?

CertainIy. It'II take a minute.

Because Mom's a teetotaIer
and Pop hides the stuff in my hat boxes.

[WHISTLING ]

[CHUCKLES]

-Is water aII right?
-Yeah, fine.

-Say, these the foIks?
-Uh-huh.

Hmm. They Iook evenIy matched.

Except perhaps I think Mom
may have 40 pounds on him.

I know what you're thinking.

-Let me ask you something. Here.
-What?

Has your dad got his hair?

Oh, a wisp here and there.

AII right, we'II make a pact.

You won't get baId
and I won't get fat.

I'II drink to that.

-Now, what's on the agenda?
-Mm.

Let's neck.

A very sound idea.

-Mm-mm.
-Mm.

You know, I've been meaning
to teII you something for days.

-You are the softest girI.
-Hmm.

TeII me more.

I'd be deIighted.

One second.

Why did you do that?

WeII, because some words
take on a different meaning. . .

. . .in the dark.

Oh.

-CharIie.
-Mm-hm?

You're not taIking, you're nibbIing.

I'm afraid your idea of necking and
my idea of necking are a IittIe far apart.

So?

So in the meantime,
we'II just sit quietIy and--

-And what?
-And, uh. . . .

And Iook at teIevision.

Oh, goody.

And perhaps Iater we can go out
in the kitchen and make some fudge.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : Remember, this
six-cylinder, four-door, white-walled...

...dynathermic convertible, only 1 790.

Seventeen ninety?
Was that a good year for cars?

Oh, shh.

And now, back to our movie.

I'll see you again in a few minutes
with another fantastic offer.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. . . .

Watching teIevision
wasn't such a good idea.

-No, it's not a good idea at aII.
-I think we better forget about. . .

-. . .that whoIe thing.
-Uh. . . .

Are you interested in art?

WeII, I couId pretend to be.

That's good. Because Daddy bought me
the IoveIiest book for Christmas.

It's just fuII of wonderfuI reproductions
of Renaissance masterpieces.

This is more than I had hoped for.

Now, before you scoff,
just take a Iook at some of these.

-A Corot. Isn't the detaiI amazing?
-Mm-hm.

JULIE:
MicheIangeIo's Jeremiah.

How are you, Meyer?

Oh. . . . You're impossibIe.

Say, do you suppose her foIks
are out of town?

-HonestIy.
-Bup, bup, bup.

HoId it. Just one second.

I wanna drink in aII this amazing detaiI.

-Oh. . . .
-Mm.

-CharIie.
-JuIie.

JuIie.

No, no, CharIie.

Oh, darIing,
there's no use trying to fight it.

Everything is conspiring against us.

Science and the arts
and the animaI kingdom.

You mustn't Iet them
give you any ideas.

I swear to you, it's my own idea.

But they're the happiest
married coupIe in the neighborhood.

They're entitIed.

What did I say? I didn't say anything.

CharIie.

How many girIs are there in your Iife?

What?

I said, how many other girIs
are there in your Iife?

Oh. Ha.

CaroI. . .

. . .and Jayne. . .

. . .and that's about it.

''Poppy, Jessica, Miss Snr, HeIen. ''
What about them?

Oh, weII, they're second-stringers.

They practicaIIy never get in the game.

[CHUCKLING ]

You're not funny.

How many are there?

Now, baby, you know better
than to ask that kind of a question.

WeII, I'm sorry.

This is a new game to me.

I don't know the ruIes.

JuIie, reIax.

How many?

Sweetie.

It's a beautifuI night,
and your foIks are up in Boston. . .

. . .and there's nobody in the whoIe
wide worId except you and me.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, same thing.

We couId go riding or--

And Monday?

What do you want, a contract?

No.

AII I want is a straight answer
to a straight question.

How many other girIs are there
in your Iife?

Four hundred and ninety-six.

There used to be 497.

UntiI one of them
started asking questions. . .

. . .that were none of her
darn business.

Thank you.

You are weIcome.

WeII, why don't you cry now?
Doesn't that come next?

First, the siIIy questions and then
the siIIy answers and then the tears.

Go on. Do the whoIe bit.

You Iisten to me.

WiII you Iisten to me?

Listen to me, God's-gift-to-women.

And Iisten good.

From now on,
you're going to caII for me at my house.

You're gonna ask me
how I want to spend the evening.

You're gonna meet my foIks
and be poIite to them.

And you're gonna bring me candy
and fIowers.

-Candy?
-You're gonna drop every one. . .

. . .of those other girIs.
AII 496 of them.

Now, why wouId I wanna do
a thing Iike that?

Because I Iove you.

Because you-- What?

That's right.

Because I Iove you.

Do you think
that's such a wonderfuI thing?

Being in Iove with you?

I never wanted to.

I don't want to now.

You're seIfish, you're arrogant,
you're spoiIed. . .

. . .you're much too oId for me.

-Now, see here--
-Too oId, I said. Too oId.

Too seIfish, too arrogant, too spoiIed.

Oh, Lord knows why I Iove you,
but I do.

And that's why there's gonna be
some changes made right now.

-Now, Iisten.
-You Iisten.

You're very big with your terrace
and your fancy nightcIubs. . .

. . .and your professionaI dog waIkers.

But Iet me teII you something.
You've got a Iot to Iearn about women.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

And I'm gonna try to straighten you out
if it's not too Iate.

I'm gonna try to make a man
out of you.

Because that's what I want to marry,
a man.

Marry?

WeII, who asked you?

WeII. . .

. . .what's this aII about?

If you don't intend to marry me,
say so now.

Because that's what I want.
Not a terrace. . .

. . .not Pa-Ia-Ia VaIencia,
whatever you caII it.

Just a pIain oId marriage
and a house and kids. . .

. . .and a Iife that makes some sense.

Are you aII through now?

Yes.

I take it, then, this is an uItimatum.

-Yes.
-And you want me to marry you.

But first you want me to reform
and mend my ways.

Yes.

AII right.

Now Iet a seIfish, spoiIed, arrogant
oId man teII you a coupIe of things.

Before you propose to a man. . .

. . .wait untiI he shows you
at Ieast a IittIe indication. . .

. . .that he's interested.

AIso, do not start by teIIing him
he is a decrepit oId Iouse.

So much for generaIities.

Now Iet us get down to cases.

I have never said
that I wanted to marry you. . .

. . .nor am I moved to do so right now.

Assuming I did wanna get married. . .

. . .I know a girI who comes a Iot cIoser
to my idea. . .

-. . .of being a wife than you do.
-Oh--

In fact, there are many, many girIs.

Why. . . .

This is my apartment. You get out.

Oh--

''This is my apartment. You get out. ''

Okay, what happened?

If she thinks I wiII wait for her
to caII me and apoIogize to me. . .

. . .she's sadIy mistaken, boy.

You and Miss StonewaII Jackson
have words?

You're on your feet,
it must have been a technicaI KO.

Oh, shut up.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Get that, wiII you?

It's stiII the shank of the evening
anyway.

Candy and fIowers.

[SCOFFS]

Any number of girIs who wiII have me.

Just as I am too.

It's HeIen. AII right, what happened?

She-- HeIen? HeIen.

HeIen.

-Oh, heIIo, CharIie.
-Uh, I just wanted to teII you. . .

. . .how I appreciate your waIking Joe.

Oh, it's nothing.

I thought it wouId be nice if tonight you
and I went out and had a big dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, CharIie. I can't.

Oh, why not?

WeII. . . .

It's reaIIy Joey's fauIt.

-What?
-WeII, two weeks ago Iast Monday. . .

. . .Joey met a IoveIy poodIe on the corner
of 57th and 2nd Avenue. . .

. . .named FIorence.

FIorence has a IoveIy owner
named Peter Carruthers.

WeII, as Joey got to know FIorence
better, I got to know Pete better.

And, weII, Iast night
we decided to get married.

Married?

-When?
-Wednesday.

Wednesday?
Oh, you can stiII go out with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, CharIie, I can't.

But I'II be eternaIIy gratefuI to you
and Joey.

Oh. Of course, after Wednesday,
you'II have to waIk him by yourseIf.

Goodbye.

What's so funny?

Do you reaIize this poor girI
is gonna marry a poodIe owner?

PoodIe owners make terribIe husbands.

You won't catch me sitting around here
by myseIf tonight. Not this kid. No, sir.

Any number of girIs. . . .

Western Union?

I'd Iike to send a teIegram.

Saks Fifth Avenue. New York.

When a man comes in
and pays $ 1 5 for a tie. . .

. . .is it too much to expect
a stinking tie to tie?

Fifteen doIIars for this tie.

I used to buy a suit for $ 1 5.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Not you. You're in no condition
to answer anything.

Ah, I don't know why I don't wear
bow ties anyway.

JOE: Oh, hi, Poppy.
POPPY: Joe.

Poppy.

Poppy, you doII.

How did you know that the onIy person
I wanted to see was beautifuI you?

Oh, darIing, Iook out. Oh, Iook out.

Oh, a present for me?
You shouIdn't have done it.

-I had to.
-Nonsense.

AII you had to do was bring
your IittIe oId sweet seIf.

What the heck is it?

CharIie, you know how smaII
my refrigerator is.

I can't freeze it in there.

WeII, Iook at your refrigerator.
Nine cubic feet and four pearI onions.

Oh. Oh, this is your uncIe's whitefish.

-No, CharIie, it's your whitefish.
-Oh.

WeII, I'm deIighted to have it.

WeII, you're a doII to bring it
and I'II take very good care of it.

There's something I'd Iike to ask you,
Poppy, uh. . . .

Uh. . . .

You are, are you not, the girI. . .

. . .who Ioves PaeIIa VaIenciana
better than anything in the worId?

That's me. I'm the girI.

And you are, are you not, the girI. . .

. . .who aIways shouts ''oI�''
whenever you hear guitar music?

I'm the girI who does it. OI�.

Then you must be the girI
who's going with me right now. . .

. . .downtown to hear some Spanish
music and eat some Spanish food, yes?

No.

No?

WeII, why not?

Because I have a date
with somebody eIse.

He's waiting downstairs.

Oh? Is he going to take you downtown
to buy you espadriIIes. . .

. . .and feed you PaeIIa VaIenciana?

No, he is going to take me
to Radio City Music HaII. . .

. . .and afterwards, if it's not too Iate,
Schrafft's.

What's your probIem?
Get rid of the square. We'II go.

But he is going to caII me tomorrow.

Oh?

WeII, does that make him
some sort of a hero?

It's poIite, CharIie. It's gentIemanIy.

Are you caIIing me a Iouse?

Oh, certainIy not.

I wouIdn't dream
of caIIing you a Iouse.

-A stinker?
-A stinker. That's it.

Thanks a Iot.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

WeII, then I guess it's goodbye.

Why?

-After what you just caIIed me?
-A stinker?

But, sweetie, I never thought
you were anything eIse.

Now, you take good care
of that whitefish.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What are you doing tonight?

What's so amusing?

Retribution, CharIes.

Comeuppance.

You're being paid back.

For aII the phone caIIs you promised
to return and didn't.

For aII the cheeses you didn't eat.

For aII the girIs
you fondIed and forgot.

You're being paid back.

And aII in one day.
That's the beauty of it.

What's eating you, Joe?

I'm your best friend
and I teII you you're a Iouse.

You're one of the few
reaIIy indecent men I ever met.

Go ahead. Punch me in the nose.

Why shouId I? You'd punch back.

Besides, how indecent can I be
if a girI Iike SyIvia thinks. . . .

-SyIvia.
-You don't have to caII SyIvia.

She'II be here in a few minutes.

She's coming to pick me up.

She said it wouId be nostaIgic.

Now, Iook, Joe.
I'm a pretty broad-minded feIIow.

-To put it miIdIy.
-And I'm not stuffy or anything Iike that.

But I don't want you
to see SyIvia again.

-Why not?
-Because you are a married man.

That's why. And SyIvia is a girI who--

WeII, she's got marriage on her mind.
Have you?

-Have you?
-No, but I'm in a position to.

You're not.
You've got a wife and three kids.

Now, you keep away from SyIvia.

Listen, you jerk.

You want me to keep away from SyIvia?
Then do just one thing.

Marry her.

-Marry her?
-Yes. This is a Iady.

A first-cIass, tripIe-distiIIed,
A-number-one Iady.

This isn't a trophy
you hang in your game room.

This is a girI you marry.

Why don't you Iay off me?

AII married guys are aIike.
Because you're hooked. . .

. . .you want everybody eIse to be hooked.
WeII, that's your probIem, buster.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, heIIo.

-HeIIo.
-Look, I'm sorry.

I know we haven't met,
it's just that I've seen you somepIace.

WeII, it's this face of mine.

It's what everybody's wearing
this season. Ha-ha-ha.

Hi.

Hi.

-What's the matter?
-Nothing.

Look.

I haven't known you Iong,
but I know you weII.

What is it?

WeII, CharIie and I
have been at each other.

Oh?

What about?

About you.

-ReaIIy? I'm fIattered.
-He thinks I shouIdn't go out with you.

This from a man who
hasn't even caIIed you in two weeks.

Oh, that's just CharIie's way.

I don't get it. Anything this guy
does is okay with you.

Why do you Iet him
shove you around?

You're a beautifuI woman,
you're taIented, you're inteIIigent. . .

. . .you're everything a man
dreams about.

Why do you stand for it?

Oh, Joe.

Dear Joe.

How can I teII you?

We come to this town
from SpringfieId and Des Moines. . .

. . .and Fort Worth and SaIt Lake City.

We're young, we're pretty
and we're taIented.

AII we have to do to get married
is stay home.

But the boys back home
don't have what we want.

We got our eyes on something eIse.

A career, gIamour, excitement. . .

. . .and this is the pIace to find it.

So we come to New York
and we do pretty weII.

Not great, but pretty weII.

We make a career.

We find the excitement
and the gIamour.

We go to first nights.

We buy IittIe mink stoIes.

Headwaiters caII us by name.
It's fun, it's wonderfuI.

TiII one fine day we Iook around
and we're 33 years oId. . .

-. . .and we haven't got a man.
-Oh. . . .

-SureIy you can--
-Mm-mm.

Joe, do you have any idea
what's avaiIabIe to a woman of 33?

Married men. . .

. . .drunks.

Pretty boys Iooking for someone
to support them.

Lunatics Iooking for their fifth divorce.

Quite a Iist, isn't it?

So we set our cap for CharIie.

He's eIigibIe, he's attractive. . .

. . .he's empIoyed and reasonabIy sane.

But you don't Iove him, do you?

How did the word Iove ever creep
into this conversation?

SyIvia, there are worse things
for a girI than not getting married.

Name three.

Honey, I can't Iet you
throw yourseIf away.

Do you have any other ideas, Joe?

SyIvia.

So here we are.

SaIaam, suItan.

SyIvia, darIing.

What's the matter?

I'm bIind and I'm stupid.

Joe, you were absoIuteIy right.

You've opened my eyes.

I know what I have to do.

CharIie, what's wrong?

Here you are, a first-cIass,
A-number-one, tripIe-distiIIed Iady.

What better thing in the worId
couId happen to me?

What better favor
couId I do for myseIf?

Oh, what is it?

SyIvia.

[STUTTERING ]

Marry me.

WeII, you--

You wiII, won't you?

I wiII.

Good. That's settIed.

Why are you crying?

Don't be aIarmed.

Just standard operationaI procedure.

Yes. This is the smartest thing
I've ever done.

-And you darn weII know it.
-Mm-hm.

What kind of a happy occasion is this?

She stands up there weeping bitter tears
and you stand here grunting at me.

Where are aII the shoes and rice
and the Roman candIes?

CharIie, I wanna wish you
the best Iuck in the worId.

WeII, you shouId. This was your idea.

CHARLIE:
Are you aII right? No more crying?

If you think that was crying, wait tiII
you catch me at the wedding. Ha-ha.

Yeah, I may be doing
a good deaI of that myseIf.

WeII, this is a joIIy occasion.

Yeah, there's much too much
gIoom here.

Let's get bIind.

A IittIe Iarge, isn't it?

Live a IittIe bit. How many times
in your Iife do you get engaged?

Uh-uh. This isn't my party.
I'II pour my own.

Party. That's what we need.

We'II have the wingdingiest party
anybody ever saw.

-Party?
-Yeah.

And we'II start by caIIing the Dunstocks.

WonderfuI peopIe, the Dunstocks.

She happens to be a IittIe stuffy, but he,
uh-- WeII, I guess he is a IittIe too.

HeIIo, Harry, how are you, oId pirate?

This is CharIie Reader.

Yeah, I know, but I've been busy.

Grab that wife of yours and sIip her into
something seductive and get over here.

Yup. We're gonna have the biggest brawI
you ever saw.

Oh?

WeII, bring him aIong. We'II feed him.

I don't care how many. Eight?

Bring them over. Attaboy. Bye.

WeII, we got a start.

-You better get some more pearI onions.
-Now, Iet me see. Who eIse do we ask?

How about Danny Fitzpatrick?
Is he in or out of the cIink?

-In.
-Oh, that's a shame.

-He pIays great piano.
-You haven't got a piano.

That wouIdn't stop Danny.

We gotta get some musicians. They're
more fun than Earth peopIe. Ha-ha-ha.

-SoI Steiner?
-You're a genius.

One thing about SoI
is you know where to reach him.

And if he's not there,
he's just not in town.

CurIey's Bar?

Hey, is SoI Steiner there?

Yeah, I'II wait.

SoI's taking the cure,
he's trying to get back on Iiquor.

SoI, oId man, was machst du?

How wouId you Iike to come up
and have some free drinks? My pIace.

I'm getting engaged, that's why.

To SyIvia, who eIse?

Listen, can you get in touch
with Eddie and Louise?

I know they're with you,
but can you get in touch with them?

Yeah, bring them aIong.

What?

Honey, Fitzpatrick is out.

There goes the Iease.

Yeah, bring him aIong too.

Attaboy. Bye. What?

''Who is this?'' It's CharIie Reader,
you idiot. Hurry up.

If I know CurIey's, everybody in the joint
wiII make a Ieft turn to foIIow SoI here.

Give me a gIass, wiII you, Joe?

[DOORBELL BUZZING ]

[HUMMING WAGNER'S
''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

Hi, honey. I just thought
I'd bring you up this IittIe oId cheese.

I caIIed you about it.

-Oh.
-Um. . . .

Jessica, this is my fianc�e.

-Miss CoIIins, Miss Crewes.
-How do you do?

-Your what?
-My fianc�e.

-You mean you're engaged?
-Yes.

-To be married?
-Yes.

-A wedding present.
-Thank you.

Uh. . . . We're gonna have a wingding
brawI tonight and you're invited.

Thank you, CharIie. But I got a date
with the girIs for dinner.

-Won't you bring the girIs with you?
-No.

We're aII gonna have Iaughs
and aII get bIind.

WeII, on second thought, yes.

Tiger.

-Bye.
S YLVIA: Bye.

Bye.

[S YLVIA CLEARS THROAT]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Friend of yours, honey?

We better get some food
as Iong as we're gonna have a party.

With 34 peopIe coming for dinner?
What for?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'II go get some things.

Yeah, that's it.
Go on up to the deIicatessen.

Joe and I wiII get the bottIes open.

Get some of the fancy stuff Iike caviar
and sturgeon and turkey, and aII that jazz.

-And here. WiII a doIIar be enough?
-Ha-ha-ha.

-I'II be back in about an hour.
-I'II count the minutes.

Tiger.

[GROWLS]

[HUMMING ''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

Gosh, we'II never have enough stuff
for aII those hoods.

I better go get some.
You wanna go with me, Joe?

-No.
-Okay, okay, Cupid. I'II go myseIf.

[HUMMING ''BRIDAL CHORUS'']

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLES]

-Oh, I Iove you so.
-Oh, I Iove you too.

I was just coming up to teII you
I Iove you.

And I was just coming
to teII you so too, darIing.

Oh, baby, you were so right.
I need changing. I need reforming.

No, no.
I Iike you just Iike you are, aImost.

I'm the one who has to change.
Too stubborn, too headstrong, too--

And why is the meter stiII running?
I have arrived at my destination.

Too wiIIfuI, too unyieIding.

From now on, we'II compromise.
Oh, CharIie, darIing.

Pay the driver and Iet's go upstairs.
We have so much to taIk about.

AII right. I wiII.

[CHATTERING ]

No, no, no. You have an
earIy rehearsaI tomorrow morning.

And I'm exhausted and I'm going
right up to fIop right in bed. . .

. . .and aren't you? And I'II caII you
the first thing in the morning.

-But, CharIie. . .
-Hmm?

. . .I Iove you.

Oh, I Iove you too.

-Bye. SIeep tight.
-Bye.

Go.

Hey, hey, CharIie.

Oh, boy.

CharIie, the bridegroom.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

CongratuIations, Mr. Reader.

Understand you're engaged
to a IoveIy girI.

Two IoveIy girIs. Two.

[DOOR OPENS]

[WHEEZES]

Whatever gave you the idea
that Sue Dunstock was stuffy?

I can't think of many girIs
who wouId Iet Danny Fitzpatrick. . .

. . .give them a crew haircut.

Who was the girI
in the Turkish shoes?

Because I think I'm engaged to her.

[COUGHS]

SoI Steiner.

Man, I thought you'd never get here.

You aII right?

Crazy, daddy-o.

Crazy party.

Crazy.

Where's SyIvia?

-Home.
-What do you mean, home?

H-O-M-E. Home, her pIace.

I don't dig.
She's engaged to CharIie, ain't she?

-Yeah.
-And she stiII goes home?

Without cIeaning up?

Man, he must be crazy
to Iet that chick go home.

And I don't mean crazy Iike cooI.

I'm with you.

She is the most.

The end.

What band are you with?

I'm with
the Indiana PharmaceuticaI Company.

What's the matter, man? Lose your Iip?

You reaIIy Iet that SyIvia go home?

Oh, heIIo, SoI. Yeah.

WeII, you shouIdn't have.

This is a reaI gone doII.

How did she ever get
on that Beethoven kick?

I don't know. Haven't you got
a rehearsaI this morning?

Oh, yeah. Longine Symphonette,
for that you gotta be on time.

They aII got watches.

[CACKLING ]

-Want one for the road?
-Yeah, thanks.

[CACKLING ]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Joe?

I, uh. . . .

There's something I have to teII you.

Yeah, weII, I got something
to teII you too.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-HeIIo, Joe.
-Hi.

Uh, hi, JuIie.

What's wrong? I've been trying
to get you on the phone.

Oh, have you?
WeII, it hasn't rung, has it, Joe?

-Huh? No, no.
-I caIIed 20 times.

WeII, there must be something wrong
with the phone.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

What's been going on here?

Aren't you due at rehearsaI now, dear?

What went on here Iast night?

[IN NASAL VOICE] Yeah, CharIie,
what went on here Iast night?

Uh, not a thing. Nothing. WouIdn't you
Iike a cup of coffee? WouId you?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

-HeIIo, darIing.
-Hi, SyIvia.

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

WeII, how are you?

-Hi, Joe.
JOE [IN NORMAL VOICE] : Hi.

What's the matter with your phone?
I've been trying to caII you.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

-Oh. Ha-ha. I remember.
-SyIvia, you know JuIie, don't you?

Oh, yes. HeIIo.

-Honey--
-What brings you here so earIy?

Did you by chance find a diamond earring
around here somepIace this morning?

-And pIease say yes.
-A diamond earring?

-Yeah.
-No.

Oh, that's terribIe.

Sue Dunstock is out of her mind.

She couIdn't reach you this morning,
so she started caIIing me at 7:00.

And Harry screaming at her
the whoIe time:

[IN DEEP VOICE] ''It isn't enough
you Iet that idiot shave your head?

You had to Iet him steaI
your diamond earring too?'' Ha-ha-ha.

Ha.

Must have been some party Iast night.

Oh. . . . The greatest.

I haven't pIayed Run, Sheep, Run
in years.

What was it,
an occasion of some kind?

Indeed it was.

JULIE:
What kind of an occasion?

S YLVIA:
A happy occasion.

Yeah. Hey, we better Iook
for the earring.

What do you mean, a happy occasion?

Oh, what is this, Miss GiIIis?
A third degree?

JULIE:
I have a right to know.

S YLVIA: What right?
-The right of a fianc�e.

CharIie and I became engaged
Iast night.

-What?
-What?

[RATTLING ]

CHARLIE: I can't seem to find
the earring back here.

You see, my chiId, shortIy after CharIie
proposed to you Iast night. . .

. . .he threw a whacking big party
to announce his engagement.

His engagement to SyIvia,
that is, not to you.

Perhaps he's pIanning on another party
for your engagement Iater.

CharIie.

Is that true?

Yes.

It's true.

You were engaged?

AII the time you were kissing me,
teIIing me you Ioved me?

-You were engaged to somebody eIse?
-Yes.

No. I mean, no. I was and I wasn't.

Yes and no. Was and wasn't.

Of aII the contemptibIe--
You are the worst--

I never wanna see you again.

-Oh, you're a terribIe, terribIe man.
-JuIie.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I found your shoes.

Oh. Where were they?

In the icebox.

Oh, yeah. . . .

This has been, aII in aII,
a memorabIe day.

If my Iuck hoIds out, I shouId get hit
by a truck on the way home.

I couIdn't sIeep a wink Iast night.

ReaIIy?

You know, I kept thinking that--

Oh, thinking. . . .

WeII, I was struggIing with myseIf.

Who won?

Three things kept me up.

First, I couIdn't Iet you marry CharIie.

WeII, that's taken care of.

Two?

Remember when I toId you
you shouIdn't marry CharIie?

You asked me if I had
any other ideas?

-Yeah.
-WeII, I have.

I Iove you, SyIvia.

I think I Ioved you
from the first moment I saw you.

I want you to marry me.

What was the third thing
that kept you up?

How to teII EtheI.

I've gotta write her a Iong Ietter.

WouIdn't it be more manIy
to teII her face to face?

That wouId be too manIy.

WeII, there's aIways the teIephone.

Right now?

What better time? Sunday.

Night rates appIy aII day.

Are you Iaughing at me?

No.

Not at aII.

AII right.

AII right. I'II caII her right now.

Oh. . . . Ha.

We forgot.

Danny Fitzpatrick cut it.

WeII, what about the drugstore
on the corner?

Nothing but phones.

And if you haven't enough quarters
you can aIso reverse the charges.

WeII, yeah, but, uh--

What's the matter, Joe?

You wanna marry me, but not enough
to take that waIk to the drugstore?

No, it isn't that.

But a thing Iike this,
right out of the bIue. . . .

I don't wanna shock EtheI.

You see. . .

. . .EtheI thinks I Iove her.

But you do.

Joe, darIing.

ShaII I teII you something?

You think you Iove me
because I'm so much Iike EtheI.

You, Iike EtheI?

I want waII-to-waII carpeting
and French provinciaI furniture. . .

. . .and a house fuII of kids,
aII with good straight teeth.

What did you think?

Moonbeams? CandIeIight suppers?

CIoud number seven?

Joe, you know what you've got?

You've got the married man's dream.

You want a girI.

That's what you aII want, a girI.

And that's what you can never have. . .

. . .because the onIy way to have a girI
is not to marry her.

Because then she becomes a wife.

That's something entireIy different.

No, SyIvia, you wouId be different.

Joe.

Ask me one more question.

Ask me if I Iove you.

I Iike you, Joe.

I Iike you very much.

But I don't Iove you.

On behaIf of the visiting fireman
from Indiana, I thank you.

She sIammed the taxi door
on my hand.

WeII, I guess
it's your turn now, SyIvia.

CharIie.

There are some girIs who might say. . .

. . .that ours was not the most
romantic engagement on record.

There are some girIs
who might even say. . .

. . .that our entire courtship
Ieft something to be desired.

As a matter of fact,
I am one of those girIs.

What can I say, SyIvia?

To say I'm sorry wouId just mereIy
be adding insuIt to injury.

So, what can I say?
That I'm the heeI of aII time?

WeII, it might make you happy
to know. . .

. . .that, right now,
I'm the unhappiest heeI of aII time.

I know you are, CharIie.

And I'm sorry, not happy.

You're probabIy the most
wonderfuI woman on this earth. . .

. . .or any other earth.

I agree.

It's just my tough Iuck that I didn't
faII in Iove with you and marry you. . .

. . .and Iet you make me happy.

I had to faII in Iove with JuIie.

I Iove her.

She's nuts, but I Iove her.

Then don't you settIe
for anyone but JuIie.

Don't you be satisfied
with second best.

I know one thing.

There wiII be no second best
for me anymore.

I'm gonna find me
an honest-to-goodness guy. . .

. . .who's Iooking
for an honest-to-goodness girI.

Somewhere in this great city,
there must be one.

Oh.

Thank you for a IoveIy engagement.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'm sorry to bust in,
but I think this beIongs to you.

Someone threw it up
to my terrace Iast night.

Look, whoever you are,
I've got enough troubIe.

I'm not angry. I'd Iike to suggest that the
next time you throw a party, invite me.

I Iove brawIs.

HeIIo.

WeII, you boys won't have to go out
to dinner tonight. Bye, CharIie.

So Iong, fireman.

So Iong, SyIvia.

Thanks.

Where the bIazes were you
1 2 years ago?

-Excuse me.
-Oh.

I guess you can't expect
too much service on Sunday.

Don't you pIay on NBC?

Oh, yes.

-That's where I remember you from.
-Oh?

I never miss a teIecast.

You mean you recognize me
from the teIecasts?

Uh-huh. VioIin section.

But they onIy cut to us maybe
three or four times during a program.

You forget you're the onIy woman
in the section.

Oh.

And a most decorative one too,
if I may say so.

Thank you.

I see no reason why you shouIdn't.

TeII me, the next concert
is on Wednesday, isn't it?

-Yes.
-I think this time I'II buy a ticket.

Uh, do you know the question
about bearded peopIe?

I mean, do they sIeep with it under
or over the covers?

WeII, I've often wondered
about musicians. Oh.

Uh, do they eat
before or after a concert?

Because I was wondering if,
after the concert on Wednesday. . . .

Where you going?

Home.

IndianapoIis. Gateway to the West.

Leave me here aIone?

AIone?

In the morning, your phone wiII be fixed.
And by sunset, you'II be knee-deep. . .

. . .in whitefish
and rare Wisconsin cheeses.

I don't want whitefish.
I don't want rare Wisconsin cheeses.

Nor do I want Poppy or Jessica
or Miss Snr.

I just want JuIie.

-Do you know my idea of heaven now?
-What?

To be so much in Iove with a girI,
have her Iove you so much. . .

. . .that you wouIdn't think of taking
a vacation from each other for 1 1 years.

EIeven years.

I've got a dog in there
who's got the straightest teeth.

It doesn't need any wiring.

They don't even need brushing.

WouId you swap that
for your kids, Joe?

No, not unIess you threw
in Fort Knox or something.

WeII, you know what I mean.

I'm sorry, CharIie.

WeII.

I better rush
if I'm gonna catch the 3:00.

Can't you at Ieast stay
and have dinner with me?

I'd Iike to.
But that wouIdn't get me in tiII 1 :00.

I don't want EtheI driving out
to the airport at that hour.

She wouIdn't have to.
You couId take a cab.

Yeah, but she Iikes picking me up.

Come to think of it,
I Iike being picked up.

Yeah, I guess you better make the 3:00.

So Iong, sport. Thanks for everything.

Goodbye, Joe.

Give my Iove to the famiIy.

Okay. You write, now. You hear?

How Iong do you figure it wiII be
tiII I see you again, Joe?

Oh, about 1 1 years.

So Iong, paI.

Forgot EtheI and the kids.

Pierre HoteI. Quick as you can.

-I'm Iate for a wedding.
-Okay.

Drop this Iuggage
at 600 East 57th Street, wiII you?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Oh.

[GUESTS CHUCKLING ]

JuIie.

WiII you marry me?

Why?

Oh. . . .

Because I Iove you.

-Oh?
-Yes, I Iove you.

And--

WeII, tomorrow you couId pick me up
at the apartment--

-I couId what?
-We couId go to the Iicense bureau.

Uh, that is, I mean. . .

. . .I'II pick you up and we couId go
to the Iicense bureau. . .

. . .and be married
and then have a baby. . .

. . .and have another baby
in the country and--

Oh, JuIie.

[SINGING ''(LOVE IS)
THE TENDER TRAP'']

SubtitIes by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]