All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S02E02.1080p.WEB.h264-SKGTV

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Hello!

- Hello, peoples!
- Hello.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.

And in this show...

James stands in a park,

I panic in a shop...

...and Richard is touched
by a man.

All that is coming later.

It is not!

Yes, it is. But first,
we start with this.

This is the new Ford GT,

and we have had thousands
of letters from people,

all asking the same thing -

"We know it's fast, very fast,

but is it faster
than an airliner?"

Well, not thousands of letters.

Er... no, not thousands
of letters.

- You mean, none.
- Yes. We've had no letters at all.

But I was interested in
finding out anyway,

so this week, The Grand Tour
is off to New York.

And here it is.

Deep inside the concrete
canyons of Manhattan...

...the fastest,
most beautiful,

most expensive car
Ford has ever made.

Some are saying that it's just a
647-horsepower racing car for the road,

but actually,
it's a lot more than that.

First things first -
it is very practical.

It's got a boot which is
the exact same size

as the glove box
on a Renault Clio,

so you can get your luggage
in easily.

And unlike the previous GT,

it's got doors that
you can open in a car park

cos they go up rather than out.

And you can get inside
even if you have a head.

However, the seat doesn't move.

In order to get comfortable,
what you have to do is

move the steering wheel
to where you want it

and then you move the pedals.

Pull this sort of
ratchet strap here, and...

Right.

Is that...
Is that fixed?

The problem with this
moving-pedal arrangement is

that when I push the brake,

how do I know whether
I'm applying the brakes

or just pushing the pedal
further away?

How do I know
whether it's locked?

I don't!

After some nerve-racking
city-centre miles

with a swallowy Adam
in my Big Apple...

...I arrived in Central Park,
the start point of the race

that no one's been asking about.

And dressed like everyone else,

my rival was waiting.

There he is, Mr Slowly.

- Morning.
- Hang on.

Right, what's the plan?

Well, we're going to find out

whether it's faster
to fly or drive

from here
to the Canadian border.

- Fly.
- Well, you say that,

but if you look on a map...

...you, because you're not
using a car,

will have to go from here
in Central Park

on a train to JFK,
then fly to Buffalo

and then use a bus
to get to the finish line

at the Niagara Falls, where
I'll be waiting for you.

You won't be waiting for me.

I will. This thing does
216 miles an hour!

Yes, I know, but where,
between there and there,

are you gonna do
216 miles an hour?

Yes, but you've got to spend two hours
at JFK being touched inappropriately

and giving them your toothpaste.

Anyway, you've got a handicap.

- What handicap?
- Here it is!

Seriously?
I thought he was in hospital.

No, you mean you hoped he was
in hospital, but he isn't!

He's come all the way out here.

He's keen to get back to work.

So I've become a carer,
is that what you're saying?

Yes. Morning, Hammond.

- Morning, chaps! How are you?
- We're very well.

You do know this is
a race car, don't you?

Yes, apart from the fact it's got
indicators and a rear-view mirror and...

Yeah, but it was built
to go racing,

and you do know racing cars
never work on the road.

After an hour in this, you'll
be scared you're gonna to die.

After two hours, you'll be
scared in case you don't die.

Shall we just get on with this?

- Ready?
- Yes!

What was that?

- Nothing, nothing.
- That looks tremendous!

I've got it up again now.
That was in its V-Max mode.

Right. Ready, steady...

Yes.

Go.

He hasn't got a chance, has he?

He has if you just
stand there. Let's go!

It's this way, come on.

There we are, leaving the park.

This is good.

Come on, Hammond.

Yeah, good teamwork.

Come on!

Oh, it's good to be back!

As this was a race between
the car and public transport,

we'd be using two subway
trains, the AirTrain to JFK,

a plane to Buffalo and then
two buses to the finish point

at the Niagara Falls.

Clarkson, meanwhile,
had a simple 420-mile thrash

from one side of
New York State to the other.

Yes! They're green on 89th.

And they're green on 90th.

We are screaming along now.

There are some steps here.
Can you manage?

Yes! Er...

Hammond, there's more.

"Start to begin. English.

Fast MetroCard. Cash".

Not everybody gives
a running commentary

as they get a card,
most people just do it.

Finally, I'd been caught
at a red light,

but that was OK because I had
an important call to make.

Thank you for
calling JetBlue. How may I help you?

Good morning,
my name's Jeremy Clarkson.

You have a James May
and Richard Hammond

booked on this morning's
flight from JFK to Buffalo.

Sure. Do you have their confirmation number,
and can you spell their last names?

I don't have
a confirmation number.

What I can tell you is that they've
been accidentally booked by the office

into business class.

That's not company policy, so could
you drop them back down to economy?

Sure, let me take a look.

OK, I will make this update
in their reservation

and we will email you
a confirmation.

Is there anything else
we can help with?

No, not for the moment,
thanks. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm on form this morning!

As was the world's worst carer.

Come on!

With the world's clumsiest
driver stuck in a barrier...

...I was getting used to
the monster

that was powering me
through Manhattan.

I used to own the old Ford GT,

and that was a brilliant car
in every way

apart from the fact that it was
the size of a football pitch,

I knocked myself out
every time I closed the door,

I couldn't see
what was coming at junctions,

and it had
such a small fuel tank

that it could only go about
six yards between fill-ups.

This new version, however,
is completely different.

It is longer than
the car I had, and wider

and harder to see out of,
and incredibly,

the fuel tank's even smaller.

It only holds 12 gallons.

And that means that
on this 420-mile race,

I'm gonna have
to fill up... twice.

Eek.

It also has literally the hardest
ride of any car I've ever driven.

I know New York's roads are
atrocious, but this is stiff.

This is... This is
stiffer than Ron Jeremy.

Meanwhile...

This is us.

Other than throwing myself
down the stairs,

this is all I've got.

Right, we missed that one.

In the GT,
I was already leaving Manhattan.

Right, we've got to go across
the Georgy Washington Bridge.

Heading for New Jersey.

Annoyingly though,
my storming progress

was about to be halted
by roadworks.

This traffic's worse than
I thought it was going to be.

Come on!

Er... James?

Nothing, don't worry.

- What?
- Nothing.

Yeah, but it means both of
them, not just this one.

Come and see the man without a
disability sitting in the special seat!

- Ow!
- There's nobody else disabled down here.

I'd be better if I could sit in that
special seat that's reserved for me.

It's reserved for
disabled people.

- Like me!
- You're not disabled!

Temporarily, yes, I am!

You're not disabled, you've
had a playground injury

as a result of your own
half-wittedness.

- Oh!
- That's not disabled.

I'm surprised you don't do more charity
work with the differently abled.

Yes.

Lot of love for the fast Ford
here.

There always is, of course, cos they're
seen as sort of blue-collar heroes.

That said, this one is $400,000.

You can actually have two Ferraris
for the price of one of these. Two!

Meanwhile, Hammond was heading
for the next subway train

with the help
of Captain Compassionate.

Come on, come on,
come on! Come on!

Come on!

That's gone, then. Yeah.

What happened there is,
basically, we missed the train

because you don't know to slow down
when it says "finish" across the road.

- Oh, nice!
- Sorry to put it bluntly like that,

but that's exactly
what happened.

I, meanwhile,
was off the bridge,

and at last the GT had some
space to stretch its legs.

Right, now, the roads are
opening up a bit,

time to see what this V6 can do.

Right, here we go -
opening the taps!

Bloody Nora!

Aagh!

What a machine!

What an astonishing engine!

It's a turbo-charged V6,
not a V8,

which it should be in a Ford GT,

and it shares 60% of its components with
the engine in a Ford pick-up truck.

Yet somehow, it feels
like a mad Caterham

when you put your foot down.

I also love the way they haven't messed
around with the sound this engine makes.

There's no electronic trickery,

no artificial barks and bangs,

it's just a raucous,
deafening racket.

As Jeremy deafened
himself in New Jersey,

we had finished with the subways

and were about to board
the train to the airport.

- The train will be in three minutes.
- Thank you.

I'm gonna call May,
see how they're doing.

Who would you like to call?

Vagina.

I've had to change his name
in my contacts.

It's not normally Vagina,
it's worse than that.

Hello, it's me. You rang.

You'll have to really
speak up, my car's quite noisy.

I want to know,
what time do you get to JFK?

We will get to JFK
in 25 minutes' time.

This is embarrassing,
you're making a scene.

I'm hoping to get the
11 minutes past one flight.

Hello? May!

You know what? He's done some
Bluetoothing, hasn't he?

Oh, look.

- Oh.
- That's not worked, has it?

What a bloody noise, honestly!

- What can I do about it?
- Put some springs in them or something.

On the freeway,

I was falling even more
under the spell of the GT.

This car was actually developed

by a team of just 20 people,

and they did it under the
radar of Ford's management.

They had no idea
it was going on.

Their only contribution to it
was insisting it had

a little sort of glove-box thing
down here in front of the seat

so that when they were testing
it on the streets of Detroit,

they had somewhere
to store their Glocks.

And it does actually feel like it
was put together by a small team.

It doesn't feel like the product
of a mass-market manufacturer.

There's nothing subtle or damped
or gentle about anything it does.

I just love it!

On the AirTrain,

we too were finally
making swift progress.

- That's quite good, isn't it?
- That's excellent.

How fast would you say
this was going?

It's probably 60mph.

That's great!

Observe - the train is
going faster than the cars.

Not my car, it wasn't.

As we are now
in the steady cruise,

I've put it in "comfort",
and I can relax.

The office has provided me
with an audiobook,

which will help me
do just that. Here we go.

I knew innately that

loosening them meant
turning them anti-clockwise,

a tiny hairspring
that contracted...

Sadly, it turned out to be

a James May talking book
on how to mend things.

What I didn't
appreciate at the age of five

was the facility that the
freshly wound mainspring had

for completing the
disassembly process for me,

and as a quantum event
at that. It was there...

Having reached JFK
in no time at all...

...Hop-Along Hammond was now
slowing us down again...

...so I decided
to speed him up.

You do realise this is not
a self-propelled one,

it hasn't got the big wheels,
you'll have to push me?

- Yeah, that's all right.
- Cool.

It's better than listening to that
clink-chink-clink noise for the rest of the day.

You've really suffered, mate. I don't
know how you've put up with it.

Thank you.

- I'm just gonna do a quick brake test.
- Yeah.

Yeah, they work.

Off came the back,

suspiciously easily,
I would now realise.

More screws lay within,
and on I went,

like one of Carter's
archaeologists...

How did he stay awake
to read that out?

He's reassembling
an alarm clock,

and he's made
an audio book of it.

Oh, God!

With Hammond
now on four wheels,

we were doing well.

This is so easy!

Take everything
from out of your pockets, please.

However...

Well, I left them back in the...

I can't get in there
without crutches.

You were complaining. I didn't
think you wanted them any more.

- You gave them away!
- You're in a wheelchair.

It's like a reserve parachute, you
don't go, "I'm not using that".

We haven't got the crutches.
Please may we go through?

OK.

It may have been OK for him,

but it definitely wasn't OK
for me.

All right,
so I'm gonna go ahead,

I'm going to give you
a pat-down today, OK?

- All right, sir.
- The pat-down consists of

me starting from the top all the
way to the top of your feet.

For your sensitive areas, I have
to use the back of my hands

in a sliding motion, from your
waist, going down over your groin

and across your groin as well,

then sliding my way
down your leg, OK?

Sitrep - 300 miles to go,

and I've been doing
16.4 miles to the gallon,

and I'm on the motorway.

That's not bad. I mean, it's
not a prize, but it's not bad.

They should be at JFK now
having their penises touched

and deodorant confiscated.

I'm gonna go up and down, OK?

I'm going down.

I'll go up and down one more
time at the top of the leg.

At this point,

I decided to make life even
worse for Hammond and May

by making another call
to their airline.

Thank you for
calling JetBlue. How may I help you?

Really sorry to trouble you again.
It's Jeremy Clarkson here.

I spoke earlier about

downgrading Mr May and
Mr Hammond to economy class.

- Yeah.
- If I could tell you,

in confidence - they've both
just come out of rehab.

So on the flight,
could you make sure

the attendants don't
give them any alcohol?

Thank you for letting us know.

I will go onto the
reservation and make a note

and give it
to our in-flight crew.

We will make sure to accommodate
this special request.

Thank you
for your understanding.

OK, goodbye.

Calling Vagina.

Hold on.

- Hello?
- Where are you?

We're at JFK.
How far have you got?

I've done 153 miles.

- 153?
- Yeah.

Right, well,
this is where we catch up.

We're about to board
the 500mph shuttle.

How long's your flight?

One hour and 15 minutes.

Righty-ho.
I could literally...

I might stop
and have lunch in a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll see you at the end

and keep a beer warm for you.

You definitely will need a drink if
you get to the end, I assure you.

Got to go now -
important work.

Goodbye.

Economy and no drinks!

I am so gonna win this today.

Calls over,
I put my foot down

and went back
into the noise zone.

Honestly...

...you would not believe,

you simply wouldn't believe the
noise that that car makes.

It's just...
It's just so relentless.

I can't imagine having to put up
with that endless bellowing drone.

Yeah, it's a dreary drone.

Just going on and on
and on and on.

You think you had it bad, I was
travelling with a handicap!

James, it's not 1950. The correct
term these days is "a disabled".

He's not disabled,
he's just clumsy.

What?

Actually, on that whole point,

able-bodied people
like to think that

everything that could be done
to make life easier

and convenient for disabled
people has been done,

but when you find yourself
in that position,

you realise it really,
really hasn't.

The Grand Tour -
a show that cares.

This week it's disabled people

and next week we're doing
people who are BLT.

Erm... that's a sandwich.

What is it I mean?

You mean, LGBT.

Yes, that.

That's what I meant, not BLT.
Er... anyway...

It's lesbian, gay, bacon
and tomato - that's the one.

That's my favourite sandwich,
and we're doing that next week.

Later on, though,
we'll be picking the race up,

so don't go away.

Absolutely, there'll be
more of that later.

But now it is time for us
to lean

on the lamppost of chat,
in Conversation Street.

Right, yes, now -
Formula One season is over,

and as we all know, I'm sure,

Lewis Hamilton is
world champion,

and well done, him.

I think we all agree on that.

I'm sure the Baby Jesus
was very pleased.

- I don't doubt it.
- They're like that.

They're close.

For me though, the highlight
of the entire season

was on the podium in Mexico,

where Kimi Raikkonen set what
I think is a new world record

for the longest
chug of champagne.

- Did he?
- Honestly.

Everyone else is
spraying it round.

Back of shot...

I thought, "I know
the Finns like a drink,

but he must have
a titanium throat!"

Imagine the burp he did
afterwards, a whole bottle.

It's staggering.

I think the problem is
for most people,

champagne on the podium
is a ritual,

but for Kimi Raikkonen,
it's just another drink,

and he hasn't had one
for at least two hours.

I often wonder - you know
in Abu Dhabi, on the podium,

they're given rose water,
not champagne?

If Kimi's coming 3rd,
he's thinking,

"I've got to go on the podium for
20 minutes and drink rose water."

"Oh, no, I'm 4th.

Straight to my motorhome
and have a beer".

- Tuck in!
- I mean, he is a Finn!

That's what they do.

Anyway, self-driving cars.
We're told they're coming.

- Yes.
- We were told this week,

actually,
that there's a problem.

In cities like New York, and I guess
other cities around the world,

people who drive them,
indeed the cars themselves,

are going to be bullied.

- Bullied?
- That's what they're saying.

Obviously, these cars will be programmed
to never run over a person, OK?

Which means you can just go
and stand in front of them.

I mean, you could.

You could do better than that, you
could probably herd them a bit.

I could herd them
and I would herd them.

Can you imagine
how sanctimonious

the man sitting in his new self-driving
car is gonna be with his paper?

"I'm not driving, I'm just reading
the paper while it drives me home."

If you just go, "Back up!"

It'll be going,
"I mustn't run him over!"

Back him into a river.
That's what I'd do, I would.

They'll have all those
algorithms on board

for moral decisions as to
what they're gonna do.

- So carry a fake baby.
- Good plan!

Walk up to it,
the car will think,

"Fake baby or fat, smug man
in a business suit?"

- He's going in the river.
- This is exactly right.

That would be tremendous.

Sadly, I don't think we're
going to see anything like

an autonomous car
until long after we're dead.

No, I couldn't
agree with you more.

They are years and years and
years away, decades away.

It's such a complicated area to
apply what is essentially robotics.

You're dead right
about robotics.

I don't yet have a robot that
could make me a cup of tea,

which is quite simple,
or bring me my slippers.

- Just domestic stuff.
- Sex robots aren't here yet.

That's people from Essex,
isn't it?

There's a TV show about that,
isn't there?

- Anyone from Essex?
- Orange Sex...

You're from Essex? There's
a sex robot here, look.

Hiya!

That's what he thinks of you.
I don't, personally.

That's amazing.
It's incredibly convincing!

Can you go like that...

Can we stop this conversation?
It's gonna go somewhere wrong.

The way I'd sum this up is this.

Somebody says, "We've made this
self-driving car, brilliant."

I will take him to Bolivia, put
him at the bottom of Death Road

and say, "Sit in it,
reading your paper

while it drives you up there, passing
all the buses with the 1,000-foot drop.

If you're prepared to do that
and you can reach the top

with no poo in your
underpants, I'll buy one."

"Enjoy reading your newspaper on the way".
It's not gonna work.

No, right - "Agh!"

That's covered
self-driving cars.

We needn't worry.
Shall we move it on?

Yes. Moving on.
Interesting news this week -

Jeremy has been approached
to be the ambassador...

- Oh, yeah!
- ...for a vineyard

- in the South of France.
- Yes, I have.

What are they thinking?

Imagine a better job than that.

- Oh, yeah. "I am the Ambassador
for Chateau."

How's that going to go?
"Where is the Ambassador?"

"He's out the back,
completely clattered,

where he always is."

You're not an ambassador,
you're a customer!

Sorry - he's out the back
with pneumonia.

- Ambassadorial pneumonia.
- Still droning on about that?

I don't know how it's going to
work though, cos the problem is,

the three of us have never
had a commercial tie-in.

You may be surprised to hear
this - we dress ourselves.

No, he doesn't mean we
put our clothes on ourselves.

We're not sponsored by
a clothing company.

I know you'll be staggered
to hear that.

- Model's own.
- Yes, this is it.

I go into a shop and I
choose these and I buy them

with my money,
watches and everything.

We buy everything ourselves.

That's why we don't know how it
works, the commercial stuff.

Actually, it's funny
you should mention that,

because you know that
pink-and-purple-striped

rugby-shirt thing
I've had for years?

- Yeah.
- You know the one I mean.

- It's a top.
- I know, yeah. Top?

- It's a top.
- Did you say, "top"?

- It's a top.
- It's not a top!

It's not a shirt,
it's not a T-shirt.

Hammond, I've never said this before
and I promise I'll never say it again,

but I'm with James May on this.

- A man cannot wear a "top".
- Ordinarily, no,

but that is... Technically,
it's a hooped top.

Anyway, that's not the point.
I was at an event once,

and a man sidled up to me,
took me to one side.

He was from Gant, the big
American clothing company

- that made that thing originally, the shirt!
- Top.

He begged me, he said,
"Please stop wearing it."

And then...

It got better than that.

He says,
"If you stop wearing it,

you can have as many
free clothes as you like."

But I still said no
because I'm an arse.

Hey! What about...
Why don't we do...

- What?
- Reverse sponsorship.

It's just occurring to me.

You know Levi's once said I'm
ruining the Levi reputation?

- They did!
- Because I always wear Levi's.

Why don't I say to them,
"Give me 100 grand,

I'll wear Rounders"?

- Erm...
- What about watches?

I'm going to sit like this,

and I'm going to say
something deeply offensive

to millions of people
around the world, Omega!

Unless you send me 50 grand,
and I'll wear a Rolex,

which is the watch of choice
for all the world's arses.

I'm not a lawyer...

- Mm-hm?
- ...but isn't that extortion?

It is extortion.

It just is.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we say to people,
they can put in bids

to put their logo on the bottom
of Richard Hammond's car?

Because the chances are...

Yes!

Thank you!

- Thank you.
- Imagine the commentary.

"Here comes Richard Hammond.
Oh, no, he's gone off! Pepsi".

- That's a very good idea.
- Moving on.

That's the end
of Conversation Street.

We must move it on with this.

Imagine what it's like
to be a car designer.

You love cars, you always have.

Your school exercise books
were full of drawings of cars.

You worked hard,
you got to college,

learned about geometry
and proportions

and classicism and airflow
and legislation.

Then one day
you get your qualification,

and you land your dream job
somewhere like Mercedes-Benz.

And you spend
your first four years

designing the new seat-belt release
button for the A-Class hatchback.

Exactly, or a tailgate handle
for a van. Ooh!

It's not exactly what
they dreamed of as kids,

is it, car designers?

Which is why they
occasionally get bolshie

and they say to the management,

"Look, would you please let
us do something interesting?"

And that is obviously what's
happened with the new Mercedes GT R.

You just know the designers
have said, "Can it be green

and can it have a mouth that
could be used for sifting krill

and can the bonnet
be nine miles long

and can it have bits of the
Battlestar Galactica on its gills?"

The bosses obviously thought,
"They're being idiotic."

But to keep them sweet,
they let them get on with it.

The upshot is a car
that only really appeals

to those that have
a mental age of eight,

and that's me
and every other man.

It even makes a childish noise.

Just brilliant!

Unfortunately however,

because the stylists were
allowed to do what they wanted,

the engineers then
stuck out their bottom lips

and said they wanted
a free hand too.

The trouble is that
unlike car stylists,

who are flamboyant
and usually drunk,

car engineers
tend to be very sensible.

You can tell this just by
looking at their trousers.

So they fitted this with
all sorts of sensible stuff.

It's got a flap, for example,
which lowers itself

from the bottom of the car
when you're going quickly

to reduce the air pressure
down there.

That literally sucks the car
into the Tarmac,

giving you more grip.

Then there's
the traction control,

which you can turn off
using this button here.

Then you can decide how off
you'd like it to be

using this piece of Lego here.

You turn it that way, and
it's really very off indeed.

Then you swivel it round, and
now it's only slightly off.

I never knew "off"
was a variable thing,

but there you go.

Other things - well, the body
is made from carbon fibre

and titanium and magnesium
to make it light.

And it's got two
Venturi tunnels at the back

and short gearing
and four-wheel steering.

There's so much techy stuff
on the GT R, in fact,

that it is really...

...very fast

and extremely well sorted out.

The turning, thanks to
the four-wheel steering,

is incredible,
and when you go through

Dentalcare Swindon,
run by dentists for patients,

it's like a small
and very eager dog.

Then you've got the gearbox,

which I think was designed by
Mystic Meg

because it always seems to know

what's going to happen next.

It is uncanny!

But the best thing is
the braking. You ready?

Watch this.

Has my face actually
come off? It has, hasn't it?

Small wonder, then, that
the GT R holds the lap record

for rear-wheel drive cars
at the Nurburgring,

and that is its problem.

Because AMG Mercs aren't really
supposed to set lap records.

They're not supposed to be
particularly fast.

You buy an AMG Merc
cos you want it to do this...

...make a lot of noise

while sliding through a
cloud of its own tyre smoke.

In an AMG Merc,

you don't want to go round
a corner crisply at 150,

you want to go round smiling
and sideways at about 27.

And there's another thing too...

...the engine.

It's a twin turbo-charged V8,

which produces 577
horsepower, and that's a lot.

But exactly the same engine
in an E-Class saloon

produces
more than 600 horsepower.

So why not use that engine
in here?

The only possible reason
is that soon,

there'll be a more powerful,

even faster version of this car,

so why buy this one now?

It's a good question.

I wouldn't.

So, who would buy a car
like that?

I don't know,
I've never met anyone

who I think would like that
car, would want to buy it.

Besides all that,
if you want something

that feels like a Porsche,
why not buy, say, a Porsche?

Because Porsche are really
good at making Porsches.

- They are.
- Yeah.

They're so good
at making Porsches

that since you filmed that,
their new GT2

has gone round the Nurburgring

faster than the GTR.

The worst thing is,

that's the first time I've
ever filmed an AMG Merc

and finished the day

on the same set of tyres
I started with.

And I don't like that.

I want an AMG Merc to eat
its own feet in every corner.

That's what it's for, yes.

Anyway, if you are
the sort of person

who wants to buy
a shouty, lime green car

that looks mad
but actually isn't,

then you'll probably
want to know

how fast it goes around
our Eboladrome.

Yeah. Last year,
that would have meant

handing it over to the American.

But we're not using him
any more,

because he didn't like
coming to England.

And because you all hated him.

- Well, that too.
- Little bit.

But the point is,
we needed a replacement,

we needed a new driver.

And we've spent
the last nine months

auditioning everyone
we could think of.

Former F1 drivers,

rally drivers, stunt drivers,
test drivers,

until we ended up
with the fastest.

And here she is.

Right, here we go.

And she's off.
Tidy start, no wheelspin,

full power
from the twin-turbo V8.

To the first corner.
Will she lift?

No, it didn't sound like
she did.

Right, second corner,
balancing the car nicely.

God, that thing looks planted.

Right, here we go,
this is the tricky bit.

Let's have a look how she's
getting on round here.

Ooh, that thing looks planted!

And quick.

She's on the raggedy edge
on the down-changes.

Michelins squealing in pain,
but that is...

Let's have a look.
Yeah, inch-perfect.

Now, back onto the Isn't.

She really has only one
throttle position here,

and it is in the carpet.

Lifting now, and into the
Old Lady's House complex.

Working the low-speed grip
through there.

Yeah, and back on the gas for
the bumpy run to Substation.

Showing no mercy down there.

Leaving the braking
nice and late.

Tidy line through
the second-to-last corner.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Really on it through there,
and across the line.

That was an impressive lap,

but let's see how fast it was.

Here we go.

Past the... Oh, it's quicker.

Yes!

Bloody hell!

1:18.7. That is quick.

Yeah, it is, and she is
an incredible driver.

She's a phenomenal driver,
absolutely phenomenal.

We are delighted
to have her on board.

But now it is time to move on
to Celebrity Face-Off.

Yes. And once again
it is an international event

as baseball takes on cricket.

In short,
we're trying to find out

who is the fastest person
in the world

who earns a living from throwing
and catching small balls.

So would you please welcome

Kevin Pietersen
and Brian Wilson.

Gentlemen!

Hello, sir.

- Kevin, how are you?
- Good.

Good. Have a seat.

Brian. Good to see you.

That is a look!

That is a look
you've got going there.

First of all, thank you
very much for coming.

Thanks for having us.

And let's begin
with a simple one, OK?

Actually, it's not that simple.

Kevin, could you explain
to our American viewers

what cricket is?

I think I'm very lucky,
we've got...

I'm bored already actually!

- No, go on, have another bash.
- No.

Just cos I don't like it
and it gives me hay fever.

Go on.

Yeah, it's very difficult.
For American...

I play a lot of golf with
a lot of American people

and they literally,
after two minutes,

tell me to go away,
swearing at me,

because how can you play a game for
five days and not get a result?

But there's T20s
that Brian knows about,

he's been to India,
he's played T20s in India,

and it's a pretty cool game.

- I reckon you could do a T20.
- No, I couldn't.

With cricket, you stand there
in the outfield,

the ball,
super-heated from re-entry,

is coming, "Ah, ah, ah,"

and then it always lands
right on the end of your...

- "Gah!"
- That finger?

- Yeah, and everyone shouts.
- That's convenient.

Everybody shouts,
and you drop the ball,

and you're batting
and some enormous man...

It's miserable, it goes on,
as you say, five days.

Actually, before we move on,

perhaps you could explain
to the British viewers

what baseball is.

It's not much more exciting.

- I've seen...
- It's a little faster.

I've seen clips of it in films,

like Good Will Hunting,
there's a scene of it.

It's rounders.

- Now, I just learned...
- It is rounders, isn't it?

I just learned
what rounders was today,

and in all fairness,
no, no, it's not like that.

Men play this sport as well.

Can you be drunk
while playing baseball?

- You can be, I guess, yeah.
- Cos you are...

Everyone is in cricket,
I presume.

We're all piss-heads.
Cricketers are piss-heads.

The great celebrated cricketers,

the Flintoffs, the Warnes,
piss-heads.

Piss-heads?
- Piss-heads, yeah.

- It's OK.
- You can say that?

Or as we call them, ambassadors.

With pneumonia.
That's what it is.

I was astonished
to read the other day

about the England
cricket team and how...

Actually, the Australian
cricket team as well,

I presume it's the same
in South Africa,

is how much drinking went on
at the "tea break".

Yeah. There's a world record

for the amount of alcohol
consumed on an aeroplane

by a cricketer from Australia
for the Ashes,

and there was an Australian
cricketer drank 52 beers

on his way over from Australia.

That's aggressive.
That's aggressive.

That's a big amount.

- That's a big amount.
- That's a lot of drunk.

Now, we must move
on to cars, if we may,

- having covered the sport.
- Sure.

Maybe begin with you, Brian, OK?

You had,
I think it's fair to say,

an inauspicious start
to your driving career.

It wasn't the best start, no.

So, 16, got my licence.

First day, I got a speeding
ticket, that was expected.

Second day, though,
it's about 1am,

apparently we have a curfew
I didn't know about,

you have to be in bed
by a certain time.

As a 16-year-old,
I'm thinking, "No, I don't."

So I rolled through
the stop sign,

and I see the blue lights,
and I'm thinking,

"I'm in a '94 Thunderbird,
this is a V8 engine."

So I speed.

Now I'm getting
in a police chase.

- Now the adrenaline's going.
- Second day?

The second day.

I'm driving around
my neighbourhood,

and I accidentally hit
an electrical box

and the power goes out
and I feel really bad.

But I left this guy in the dust.

Like, I got all the way
to my driveway.

But because
I turned the keys off...

The car was automatic lights.

So the cop
just followed the lights

and arrested me in my
driveway, my front yard.

And so what do you get
for that, for...

What do you get? You get to go
to jail, you get a free ride.

And I'm amazed
they pull you over,

cos you look like
an accountant, I mean...

This is a slow Tuesday.
See me on the weekends!

So, Kevin, your first car
was a Nissan...

- Pulsar.
- Which is a bit boring.

It's not as good as his
V8 Thunderbird, is it?

It is boring, apart from
a couple of gadgets.

I got a couple of gadgets

that were put in
by my late grandfather.

And in South Africa, the
crime rate's pretty severe,

so there was a switch he had
put underneath the ignition

you had to flip before
you could turn the car.

If you didn't flip it
within 20 seconds, the car...

Would explode, killing
everybody within 40 yards.

- That's safe!
- The South African way.

There was another one,

every time you put it into
reverse, "Doo, doo, doo."

I'm a cool 18-year-old
driving around Durban,

I put it in reverse, everyone goes,
"Where's the truck?"

It was a little red
Nissan Pulsar,

"Doo, doo, doo, doo," out of it.

So really, you're basically
a slightly more wild driver.

Did you not buy a police car
at one stage?

I did have a police car.

And I did get
pulled over in that. So...

Again, why would you
get pulled over?

It wasn't my fault, though.

They said I was trying to
impersonate a police officer,

which I wasn't, it was just
a cool car to drive in.

I may have pulled a friend
over as a joke.

- But who wouldn't?
- Did you have sirens and all?

Yeah, you have sirens.

Have you ever gone anywhere
in a car

and not been pulled over
by the police?

Just thinking, going back
to the sporting thing,

when you played cricket
briefly in India,

you managed to get
into trouble with that one.

- Yeah, and felt really bad.
- Really?

So, well, where I was,
it was just a large field

and there might have been
100 games going on,

all the kids
from around local playing,

and they said,
"Hey, you wanna try?"

So no one tells me
any of these rules,

so there's these three little...

- What do you call, wickets?
- Wickets.

- Stumps.
- "OK, what do I do?"

They give me this
paddle-looking thing,

and like, "Just stand there,

and then this guy's
gonna throw to you."

He throws it, it hits
the ground, I'm like, "What?

That's a bad pitch."
And it hits the wickets,

and all the kids start
laughing at me.

"What are you guys laughing
at? Give me another shot!"

So I stand up, pff,
just absolutely destroy it.

It leaves the park, it hits
an apartment building,

and I'm just like,
"I'm the greatest!"

The guy that brought me there
told me

that's the only ball
that they have.

And immediately
I just went, "Oh.

I feel terrible."

"We've had that ball in our
town for three generations."

- They would have.
- Treasure it.

Now, going back to cars,
you, at one stage,

as I understand it,
had a Vauxhall Vectra.

I did.

And you said to our researcher

when they called you
the other day,

"I have nothing particularly
interesting to say about that."

I've been known to be
a straight-shooter.

Put it there.
I once had to do a TV show

where I was asked
to review one of those,

and couldn't think of a thing.

It was four wheels
and a seat.

Why did you have one?

The team were sponsored
by Vauxhall.

You were sponsored by Vauxhall?

Oh, I'd have gone and done
another sport.

Now, we must get
on to why you are here.

Obviously, you're only the second group
of people we've had around the track.

- How was it out there?
- It was...

I found it comfortable
on the tar,

but as soon as we veered
off there, it was difficult.

- It was intimidating.
- Is it?

I loved it!

There were grass clippings
all over the car,

I just took it off-road
a little bit, it was fun.

Yeah, I've been hearing.

We can get it mended
for next week.

Kevin, we're gonna see
your lap first.

OK, let's bring it up
and see how you got on.

Is that
a slow-motion start?

Oh, no, you're building up
speed as you cross the line.

Come on, Kevin!

Ooh, that's
a determined-looking face.

Clipping the corner,

but keeping two wheels
on the track, nice to see.

Yes, you've done what I do.
You brake there

and then you've got a slingshot

into what we're calling
the Difficult Bit.

That's when it goes
really skatey as you...

You've really gotta pay...

Ooh, I say, that's rather good.

For a man who grew up
with a Pulsar.

Kevin, you absolute numpty!

Right, oh, look at
that, it's got the tail out.

Yeah, got the tail
out, got him going good.

Traction control saved it,

now you can floor it
through to Difficult Bit 2.

- Oh, she's going all right.
- Nicely done.

- That was tough.
- Yeah.

It is a tough bit.
This is really slippery

when you come back
on the Tarmac,

you think that's OK,
and it isn't.

Tyres being absolutely tortured,

that's looking nice.

Right, onto the straight.

Come on, baby!
Come on, baby!

It's more exciting
than cricket, way more!

As is being asleep.

Were you flat-out
through there?

I was flat-out through
there, then I messed this up.

Ooh! I'm not...

Yeah, I messed it up,
I missed the curve.

Ballsy flat-out through there,

but you crossed the line,
you did it.

I got it. Time?

So...

Time?

- Patience.
- Time?

You're a cricketer,
we know you have patience.

OK.

Because what else
is there to have?

- It wasn't bad.
- No, it looked OK.

- Brian.
- Yes.

- Want to see his lap?
- Yeah.

Come on, let's see Brian's.

Oh.

Right, no creeping
across the line.

And here we go! Yee!

That is a colourful
comb... That's a...

Cheat. He's cheating! Cheat!

He's a cheat!

It's not Formula One,

we won't penalise him for
this, we have no stewards.

Oh!

Oh, my God!
Coming in hot!

Holding it well, though,

and, I must say,
that is exuberant.

He's on fire!

Into the gravel cell,
the banked gravel corner,

nicely done through there.

Look at those stones
coming off the back of that.

Difficult Bit 2.

Floor it.

You don't think this is
gonna be slippery but it is.

Every time, that happens.

Nicely held, though, Brian.

You really do get around.

And there he is, onto the
main straight and relaxing.

Yoo!

Well, not
completely relaxing.

Were you flat through here,
as well?

Ooh.

I took it...
Flat-out, that's good.

Braking hard.

Not bad at all.

And there we are, across the
line, that's both of them.

Right. Now, I've got
your times here.

I'll tell you one thing,
they're very, very close.

So you were kind of smooth
and crickety.

- Yeah.
- You were kind of exuberant.

- Yeah.
- They are ridiculously close.

- OK, here we go.
- The suspense.

- I mean, come on.
- Yeah.

- Killing me.
- OK, Kevin.

- 1:17.2.
- 1:17.2?

So at the moment,
you're the fastest man

who's ever been round our track.

- Until...
- This precise moment.

Until about 30 seconds.

Brian Wilson...

- Ooh.
- 1:17...

- Ooh.
- Point one.

- Give it to me.
- ..five.

- Damn it!
- Ah!

Seriously, 0.3 of a second.

Well done, sir.

- That's close.
- That is nice.

That is a nice result,
I'm very pleased with that.

And there we are,
you are still the fastest man

who's been round our track.

You have come a long way
for nothing.

Thank you.

- Literally nothing...
- Much appreciated.

So, honestly, I mean
it's been an absolute joy

- having you both here...
- Came here for the sheep.

Yeah, no, take one home.

So there we are,
ladies and gentlemen,

Brian Wilson, and the fastest
person who makes a living

by throwing and hitting
and catching small balls,

Kevin Pietersen!

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Right.

Now, this week
we are having a race

from Central Park in New York
to Niagara Falls,

and it's Jeremy
in the new Ford GT

against James and me

in a whole selection
of public transport.

Yes, and when
we left the action,

Jeremy was miles ahead
in the car,

slowly going deaf
from the drone of the engine.

But now we were
about to haul him in

as we boarded
the flight to Buffalo.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

Get out of the way. Get out
of the way, I'm in a race.

Hello. Hello.

Don't get in the way of someone

who's just given up
a 43-year smoking habit.

Meanwhile...

Has he got to go in that?

Yes.

OK, see you on board.

- Welcome aboard.
- Hello. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Hello. Hello.

Yeah.

OK.

Having covered
160 miles,

the GT's tiny tank
was now nearly empty.

This is a splash-and-dash.
Right, petroleum.

Oh, please let it not be

one of those stupid
American ones

where I've gotta pay first,
I don't know how much I want.

Sadly, it was.

No. Not a debit card.

I haven't got one... Ah.

What?

All exits are marked
with a sign overhead...

It's very unusual having business
class at the back, isn't it?

Imagine what it's like
at the front.

Must be sort of like there.

It's quite good if you sit at
the back in business class,

survey the whole aeroplane.

This is an Embraer 190.

I can tell you a bit about
these actually.

Prepare for departure.

Oh, dear, you can't,
he's talking.

Hello. Can I...
The pump says...

It's just coming up
"not approved".

Does it have a chip?
It's probably the chip.

How do I pay? Cos...

I'll turn the pump on,
you pump what you need

and I'll let you run
the card when you're done.

Thank you so much.

If you talk like Hugh Grant,
you can get anywhere.

Any minute now, Richard
Hammond and James May

will be thinking,
"Mmm, a beer, I think."

Anyway, here we go,
let's catch him up.

Definitely.

I think we should celebrate
our progress right now,

as we're moving so well.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Can we have beer?

- Two beers, please.
- Let me see.

So, as it turns out,

unfortunately I won't be able
to serve you any beer today.

Can I offer you a water,
Coke, Sprite?

- You've got no beer?
- No, I'm sorry.

Wine. Wine? Two glasses
of wine? White wine.

I'm not quite too sure why,

but unfortunately
I won't be able to.

Can I get you
some other beverages?

However, while they
were squashed and thirsty,

there was no getting round
the fact

that they were doing 500mph,
and I wasn't.

Come on, fellow Ford driver,
get out of the way, please.

You've got a Ford!

We are gonna be
reeling him in now.

We're not gonna get stuck
behind anything.

- No.
- In traffic.

No. Nobody is gonna have
a puncture.

Or shed the load
from a pick-up truck.

No.

My biggest problem,
though,

was the woeful lane discipline.

And you're gonna stay in
that lane, are you, really?

Undertaking.

This is allowed in the
United States and America.

You can see why. People
don't use their mirrors.

It was a problem.

And then there was a bigger one.

What the hell's this?
I'm in a traffic jam.

A bloody traffic jam. No.

We're about to begin
our descent

into the Buffalo airport.

We'll be on the ground shortly.

Look.

Is there a fat idiot
in a very fast Ford?

- Nope.
- Good.

Why is there a traffic jam?
And it's a bad one.

Look, we're all stopped.

Come on. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.
Chair, please.

Oh, shit.

There we go. I'm in.

Blimey! Yeah, that is...
I am safe.

Incident.
There's been an accident.

There's the problem. Jesus.

We have some time to make up.

Seeing an accident like that
normally slows you down,

but I couldn't do that.

I was upholding
the honour of the car.

They should be landing
in about ten minutes.

Oh, no.

May? You've landed?

- Yes! Yes.
- James, too loud. Too loud.

- Shit.
- Where are you?

I'm 130 miles from Buffalo.

He's 130 miles away.

Well, you better
get a move on then

in your 200 and whatever
it is mile-an-hour car.

I... Oh.

- That's...
- Keep going.

Oh, for God's... Shut up.

Bye.

Right, where do we get the bus?

We now only had a
couple of dozen miles to go.

We'd catch a bus into Buffalo

and then another
to the finish line

at the Niagara Falls.

Trying to think
where this went wrong.

George Washington Bridge,
that didn't help.

The accident and the traffic jam
that resulted, that didn't help.

But I think the main problem

is that Jet Blue managed to do

an hour and 15 minute flight
in an hour.

Oh, I say.

Oh, I see,
it folds out like that?

- That's very clever.
- Here we go.

- Thank you.
- Aligned.

- There's a wheelchair section right over there.
- Thank you very much.

Come on. Yay!

The Trump enthusiast
has pulled over!

Right, let's find out
where he is.

It's Mr Bell End.
Hammond, where are you?

Leaving the airport on a bus.

Right. Well,
I'm 90 miles behind you.

You're gonna have
to make that up in no time.

How far are you
from Niagara Falls now?

23 miles.

I'd say
you could be doomed.

Good luck,
we're getting closer. Bye.

He's never gonna do it.

Oh! I don't want this car
to lose, I properly love it.

It's just so exciting.

All the things that make it
bad and annoying

make it brilliant and exciting.

The noise, and the ride,
and the roughness.

It's just raucous, raw,
bareback, unplugged energy.

I want it to win,
I want it to beat the plane.

But to do that, it
would have to do 113 miles

in the time it takes a bus
to do 23.

Stop requested.

Luckily, however,

buses have other people on them.

I don't like this bit.
What do you do?

You just have to sit here.

Yeah. Bus travel
is tricky to like, isn't it?

And we've gotta stop
and change buses,

and if we lose ten, 15 minutes
waiting for the next bus...

I know, it's not in the bag.

76 miles.

Stop requested.

Who pulled the...

Well, it is a bus with...
Can't be rude to customers.

Nobody else pull the string
until we've got off, please.

Let's just go all the way.

Hello. Where are you?

I think about 55 miles away
from the finish line.

- 55?
- Yeah.

Right, this is gonna be close.

Have you not got to Buffalo yet?

No, no, we're in Buffalo,

but we haven't got
to the bus change point.

Oh, really? Oh!
Does your bus keep stopping?

Well, of course it does,
it's a bloody bus!

I haven't been on one
since I was eight.

That kept stopping.

I thought, "I won't go on
another one, they're stupid."

- They're still the same.
- Bye-bye.

Amazingly,
I was still in the running,

but my furious pace meant
I had to make a decision.

Do I drive like Al Gore would
want me to drive, at 55mph,

and possibly make
the finish line

without having to fill up again,

or do I floor it,
go really quickly,

and have a quick
splash-and-dash?

Do I risk running out...
Oh, no, I can't.

Meanwhile,
not that far ahead,

we had reached the bus station.

And James, incredibly,
was doing running.

Where the hell is it?

Niagara Falls, Niagara Falls.
48, look.

It's that one there.
In we go.

Right, we need
a swift departure.

Hello!
Oh! He's missed the ramp.

This is so irritating.

I've got 35 miles to go,
that's all,

but I'm not gonna make it
on the fuel,

I just know I'm not.

I'm gonna have to fill up.
Argh!

- So, 15 miles from here?
- Yeah.

It's 35 miles.
Four gallons will do it.

That will do.

Now approaching
Mohawk Street.

No need to stop.

No, no need to stop,
we're all fine.

Ah, roadworks!

- Ten miles, Richard Hammond.
- Ten miles to go?

Yes, joy of joys,
two actual lanes open.

Get a bloody move on!

12 million people a year
visit Niagara Falls.

Do they?

I want them all to get in
Jeremy's way, but not ours.

Yes, Niagara Falls.

No, no, no. No, a toll. Argh!

Luckily, though,
I had an electronic pass,

which made paying much faster.

See, Hammond,
it's right there. See it?

- Yeah.
- See the spray?

Yeah.

It's not working. No!

Right.

Stop requested.

- Is this it?
- This is our stop.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Four miles.

- - Are you gonna have
a heart attack on television?

Yeah.

Don't wanna lose this.

What's it say there? "Falls".

Right, this is it.

Where the hell are they?

There's the observation tower.

There is the observation tower,
that's where I'm headed.

Dicky wheel.

Ah! Oh! I have been turned into Richard
Hammond by six hours in that car.

This is it.
There's the bridge thing.

Oh, God. Jesus.

- In we go.
- Howdy.

Ooh.

Oh, God,
so it all comes down to,

is he the other side
of this barrier?

Can you get that door, Hammond?

Yeah, I got it, got it, got it.

Oh. Hang on. Oh. Look.

Let me sit down, sorry.
Put the brake on.

How long you been here?

Long enough
to do some nice pictures

- and some Instagram work.
- Oh, good.

Why are you so tired?

I've been pushing him uphill!

- He doesn't like it.
- He's actually sweating.

- He's been running!
- I've run on the internet.

I thought he might have
a heart attack.

James May is going to die
live on TV.

I'm gonna do it here,
just talk amongst yourselves.

The gloating gets worse.

So there we are, the answer to the
question that no one was asking is:

Yes, the Ford GT
is faster than an airliner.

No, it's faster than a bus.

And it crippled you
and made you deaf.

He didn't exactly arrive
in tip-top shape, did he?

No, but hang on,

that's because I had to
push him around all day,

and it was like having

a massive wheeled suitcase
with an opinion

that pointed at things
like Rommel all the time.

He was the only one who had
a comfortable day, actually.

- You were.
- You were.

Cos the honest truth is,

that Ford GT went through
a city and on a motorway,

and neither
of those environments

is where it's really at home.

Yes, like I said in New York,
it's a racing car.

Yes, which is why I'm going to
get one brought over to the UK

and later I'm gonna thrash
it round the Eboladrome.

- You're gonna do that?
- As opposed to?

Well, uh... me?

People wanna know
what it's like on a track,

not what it's like on its roof.

And on that terrible
disappointment, for you,

it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching, goodnight.