All language subtitles for The Twelve.Chairs.1970.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

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[Wheezing]

[Gasps]

Natasha Nikolaevna.

Natasha Nikolaevna.
[Door Opens]

[Gasps]
I'm going.
Call the priest.

Get my son-in-law. Hurry!

I must talk to him.

There's something
I must tell him
before I die.

There, there, Claudia Ivanovna.
You will be all right. Just-

[Groaning]

Oh.
[Speaking Russian]

Kolya!

Kolya, quick.
Run to the town hall.

Tell Vorobyaninov
his mother-in-law is dying.

Tell him to hurry.
I'm going to get the priest.

Oh.
[Muttering]

Bozhe moi.
That poor woman.

That poor woman.

Who is going to
take care of me?

[Chorus Vocalizing]

[Speaking Russian]

It's in the hands of God now.
All we can do is pray.

Thank you for coming,
Father.

It was my pleasure.

Go to her.
Go to her, my child.

Comfort her.
She needs you.

Courage. Courage.

[Sighs]

Father Fyo-
Ooh!

Dor.
[Groaning]

She's inside.
Not to worry.

I, uh�
Courage.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my dear neighbor.

I'm so glad you're here.

She has been calling
for you.

I just saw the priest.

He seemed in a great hurry.

He was very peculiar.
Very peculiar.

She just confessed.

How is she?

She is doing splendidly.

The doctor says
she'll be on her feet
in a week.

She'll be dead
before morning.
She looks terrible.

I'd better go in.

[Door Opens]

Ippolit, it's you. You've come.

Yes. I'm here.

It's me.
Oh, thank God.

Ippolit,

do you remember
our dining room suite?

Dining room suite?

In the big house in Stargorod.

[Whispers]
Before the revolution.
Ah, yes.

Beautiful furniture.

Made by Hambs of London.

Ippolit, my jewels.

My diamonds.

I sewed them into
one of the chairs.

What?
My diamonds. My jewels.

I sewed them
into one of the chairs.

My gorgeous diamond tiara.

I wore it when I was
presented at court.

My beautiful pearl earrings.
[Whispers]
Pearl.

My emerald brooch.
Emerald.

My diamond necklace.
[Whispers]
Diamond.

The little gold cat
with the ruby eyes.

Stuffed in a ch�

How could you do
such a thing?

Why didn't you
give them to me?

Why should I have
given them to you...

when you had already
squandered away
half my daughter's estate...

with your parties
and your horses?

Why didn't you take them out?
Why did you leave them there?

I didn't have time!

You remember how quickly
we had to flee?

They were left in the chair.

Bozhe moi.

Bozhe moi!

50,000 rubles' worth
of jewelry...

stuffed in a chair!

Heaven knows
who may sit on that chair!

If it's still a chair!

It may be firewood by now.

How could you do such a thing?

How could you do
such a thing?

Please, Ippolit.

I know I did wrong,
but...

please forgive me.

Of course.

Of course, maman.

Of course I forgive you.

Thank you.

Now I can die in peace.

[Russian Folk]

Hope for the best

Expect the worst

Some drink champagne
some die of thirst

No way of knowing

Which way it's going

Hope for the best
expect the worst

Hope for the best

Expect the worst

The world's a stage

We're unrehearsed

Some reach the top, friends
while others flop, friends

Hope for the best
expect the worst

I knew a man
who saved a fortune
that was splendid

Then he died
the day he planned
to go and spend it

Shouting
Live while you're alive

No one will survive

Life is sorrow

Here today and gone tomorrow
Live while you're alive

No one will survive

There's no guarantee

Hope for the best

Expect the worst

You could be Tolstoy
or Fannie Hurst

So take your chances

There are no answers

Hope for the best
expect the worst

[Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

I knew a man
who saved a fortune
that was splendid

Then he died
the day he planned
to go and spend it

Shouting
Live while you're alive

No one will survive

Life is funny
Spend your money

Live while you're alive

No one will survive

There's no guarantee

Hope for the best

Expect the worst

The rich are blessed

The poor are cursed

That is a fact, friends

The deck is stacked, friend

Hope for the best
expect the

Even with a good beginning
it's not certain
that you're winning

Even with the best of chances
they can kick you
in the "pantses"

Look out for the
Watch out for the

Worst

Hey

[Crowd Chattering]
[Rattling]

Give! Open your heart!

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Very generous of you.

Now there's a healthy girl.

What can I say,
little father?

It's a miracle.
I can see.

I can walk.
Rejoice!

Do you love me?

Well, let�s just say
that I am very much
in lust with you.

[Key Clicking in Lock]
Oh, my God.
My husband!

Your husband?

Out goes the bad air,
in goes the good air.

Out goes the bad air�
What's going on?

- Who are you?
- This woman is my wife.
I'm her husband.

She fainted just outside
the door. I'm giving her
artificial respiration.

How dare you allow
a frail creature like this
to carry heavy bundles.

- Has she ever fainted before?
- Never. Maybe once.
I don't know.

All right. Come on.
Take over.

Now remember,
out goes the bad air,

in goes the good air.

[Together]
Out goes the bad air,
in goes the good air.

I should report you for this,
but we'll let it go.
Thank you.

Thank you. You are very kind.
It will never happen again.
I promise. Never.

See that it doesn't!
Out goes the bad air,
in goes the good air.

Out goes the good air,
in goes the bad air.

[Birds Twittering]
[Dog Barking in Distance]

[Creaks]

[Snoring]

[Snoring Continues]

[Snorts, Mutters]
There, there.

Oh, boy. You must have fallen.

Thank you.

Who are you?
Ostap Bender
at your service.

Cigarette?

Thank you.
[Sniffs]

Tell me, uh, comrade-

"Comrade." "Comrade."

Everybody calls me comrade.

Everybody in the new
Soviet Union is a comrade.

People you don't know,
strangers.

Everybody says "comrade."

Oh, I miss Russia.

Hmm, yes.

Tell me, uh, what goes on
in this great house?

Mostly dying.

Dying.

It's an old-age home
for weary, old ladies.

They tippy-toe in,
they have a little bowl
of porridge...

and�
[Raspberry]
That's it.

Oh, what a pity.
What a pity.

See, I thought
it was a hotel.

You, uh�
You don't happen to know
of any nearby, do you?

You see, I�ve come a long way,
and I�m seeking suitable
lodgings for the night.

Oh, uh, by the by,

do you happen to have
a spare bed down there?

[Exhales Deeply]

[Imitating English Accent]
No, I don't, Mr. By the By.

I don't happen to have
a spare bed.

There isn't a spare bed
in all of Russia!

People are sleeping
between each other...

and you're talking spare bed.

You make me laugh.
Ho, wah, wah, wah, wah.

"Spare bed."
You must be nuts.

[Shatters]
Listen.

I'll tell you what.

If you'll buy me a drink,

you can sleep on the floor.

Done.
Good.

Come on.

What are you doing in Stargorod?
You look to me like
a Muscovite.

Listen, tell me. Tell me.
Who lived here
in the old days?

Oh, in the old days
was my master,

Ippolit Matveyevich
Vorobyaninov.

He was a marshal
of the nobility.

I loved him.
He hardly ever beat us.

Ah. And whatever became
of your lovable master?

One night, about 10 years ago,
was a fearful noise.

It was bombs and cannons
and soldiers shooting.

It was terrible, terrible.

Oh, yes.
I think it was called
the revolution.

That was it. The revolution.

You're smart.
You're smart
and you're gorgeous.

You're okay.

Anyways,

they all run away.

Well, come on,
old boy.

Let us see
how drunk...

two Russians can get
on one ruble.

I like that.
Two Russians, one ruble.

Ah. Ivan, fetch
the marshal's horse.

He's coming.
He's coming.

Master.

I love him.
I love him.

Please, dear, hurry home.
But don't gallop.

"Don't gallop."
Do you hear that, Petya?

"Don't gallop,"
but "Hurry home."
[Laughs]

That's your job.
You'll have to puzzle it out.
It's too much for me.

[Ivanovna]
Ippolit, take care.

Don't drink too much,
and don't gamble.

And stay away
from the gypsies.

- Ils sont voleurs.
- Chere maman,
restez calme.

Tout va bien.
Tikon, you idiot, my gloves.

There, master.

I love him.
I love him.

[Birds Twittering]

[Door Opens]

Here's your castle.

Drink vodka, we talk.
We have some fun.

You know what we can...

do.

Master?

Tikon.

Master?

Is it really him?

It's impossible!
It can't be!

It can't be!

It can't be!
It can't be!

Oh, ma�
[Groans]

Oh, that's him.
That's him.

That's my master.

[Both Laughing]
Oh, master, master.

Here, Tikon.
Oh, so good to see you.

Here is a ruble. You go have
some vodka, and you don't
come back for a bit.

Vodka.
Your master and I have
business to discuss.

[Groans]
Come on.

Business. Business.
Come on.

Tikon.

You're not to say a word
to anyone about my being here.

It is secret.

[Whispering]
I'm not to tell anyone
my master is in Stargorod.

It's a secret.
My master told me a secret.

[Footsteps Departing]
[Door Closes]

So,

you'd prefer to keep
your whereabouts a secret.

Very interesting.

Who are you?

What is this business
you have to discuss with me?

I have no business with you.

What do you want?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess maybe it depends
upon what you're hiding.

Maybe this will shed
a little light on the matter.
Give me that. That's mine!

Oh, how very impressive.

This ought to fetch
quite a lot.

Please give me that paper.
It's personal property.

Oh, haven't you heard?
There is no personal property
in the Soviet Union.

Everything belongs
to the people.

Will you please
give me that paper?

It is a private matter,
and I am not at liberty
to discuss it.

Yes, of course. Of course.
One shouldn't interfere
in private matters.

It's considered gauche.
There you are.

Now, I must be off.

- Where are you going?
- Ah, the eternal question.

Quo vadis?

Well, if you must know,
I am "vadising" off to gossip
with the secret police.

- "Secret police"?
- Well, what can I do, old cock?

After all, I am a patriotic
citizen of the Soviet Union.

It is my sacred duty
to turn you in.

Now, maybe if you weren't
such a selfish pig,
we could do business.

I can't.
I'm going.

Wait.
Why?

Let's talk.
About what?

Things.
What things?

I don't know.
Situation�
I�m going.

Wait.
Why?

Let's talk.
About what?

It.
What's "it"?

You know.
I know what?

What we're talking about.
We're talking about nothing.
I'm going.

You mustn't.
I must.

Why?
The reward.

What reward?
For turning you in.

Wait.
Why?

We'll talk.
About what?

About the diamonds,
the diamonds,
the diamonds!

The diamonds.

And most of this stuff
was purchased...

20 or 30 years ago
for about 50,000 rubles, hmm?

Yes.

That means that today...

they'd probably be worth
between 150,000 and 200,000.

As much as that?

Not a kopeck less.

And maybe more.

I've got to find
those chairs.

[Cackles]

Tikon is back.

- Tikon, come here.
- Coming, master.

- Tikon�
- Coming. I'm coming.

Coming, master.
I'm coming. Coming.
Coming. Coming.

Coming. Coming.
Coming. Coming.

I'm coming, master.
I'm coming.

I'm coming.
I'm coming, master.

I'm coming.
I'm coming, master.

Tikon.
You see?
I'm here.

Tikon, the furniture.
What happened
to the furniture?

The furniture.
Yes, the furniture.

What happened
to the furniture?
The furniture?

What happened
to the furniture?

[Snoring]

Tikon. Tikon.

[Snoring Continues]

[Sighs]

Well, cross-examination
of the witness...

will have to be adjourned
until tomorrow morning.

Let's go to bed.

[Chorus Vocalizing]

Oh, thou who knowest all�

You know.

[Snoring]

[Rooster Crowing]

[Crowing Continues]

Tikon.

Master. Mmm.

Oh, master, you're still�
Shh.

[Vorobyaninov]
Where is the furniture?

The furniture?
Yes, Tikon.

Where is the furniture?

You mean upstairs
in the house?

[Vorobyaninov]
Yes

Some of it is still there.

The velvet sofa is there.
It's a mess now.

And the andirons.
They kept the andirons.

Did they keep the chairs?

There was a dining room suite
with 12 chairs,

made by Hambs of London.

They were upholstered
in gold brocade.

Do you remember?

Twelve chairs. Walnut.
Covered in gold brocade.

Yes! Yes!
That's them! That's them!

They're gone.

[Growling]

- All but one.
- Where is it?

The pantry,
outside the kitchen.

Sits there.
A major. A beauty.

Good. Now what happened
to the other 11 chairs?

One morning, a big van came...

from the Bureau of Housing,
took everything.

The Bureau of Housing?
Shh.

Now, think, Tikon.
What street is
the Bureau of Housing on?

Headache! Headache!
I have such a headache!

What I did last night.
All right. Never mind.
I'll find it.

What do you mean
you'll find it?

Look, I don't give a damn
who finds it.

All right.
It's time for action.

You will go upstairs and occupy
chair number one,

and I will lead the attack
at the Bureau of Housing.

I'm off.
Uh, wait.

What shall I tell them?

You will tell them
that you are Cousin Michael
from Kiev,

and you will say that
all the Vorobyaninovs
are dead...

and that you are willing to pay
hard rubles for something...

to remember them by.

[Door Closes]
[Sighs]

Cousin Michael from Kiev.
All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

I am Cousin Michael from Kiev.
All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

Yes?
I am Cousin Kiev
from Vorobyaninov.

All the Michaels
are dead.
What?

What can I do for you?

I am Cousin� Chair!

[Audio Sped Up, High-pitched]
Aaah! Give me that�
I want that chair!

Stop or I�ll call
the police!
Police?

Give it to me!
Give it to me!
No! No! No! No!

Aaah!
[Groaning]

[Both Yelling, High-pitched]

[Yelling Continues]

Father Fyodor.

[Panting]

How are ya?
[Chuckles Nervously]

Well, this is disgusting.

This is truly disgusting.

Not so fast! Not so fast!

That's my chair.
Ah.

It's the Holy Father.
Taking up a collection,
are you?

Here's a donation.
[Groans]

Thank you.

[Both Yelling, High-pitched]

[Groans]
[Groans]

Why are you after
my chair?
It's not yours.

Then whose is it?
It's nationalized property.

It belongs to the workers.
Did you say the workers?

- Yes. The workers.
- Maybe the Holy Father...

is a member
of the Communist Party.

Maybe.
But the party
is for atheists.

How can a priest
join the party?

- [Blow Lands]
- [Groans]

The church must keep up
with the times.

[Grunts]

How did you find out
about the jewels?

People talk.

Why, you disgusting creature.

You used the sacred sacrament
of confession...

to further your own ends!

Not really.
Well, you are just about...

the most
contemptible creature...

it has ever been
my misfortune to meet.

You're not worth spitting on!

Well, you are!
[Groans]

Come back, you coward!

You'd better keep away
from my chairs!

Finders, keepers!

Hmm. It�s just like
a detective story.

We have a mysterious rival.

Hey, uh, you'd better
get out of here.
You look rather conspicuous.

You're right.
You're right.

Oh, how I hate him.
Oh, God, how I hate him.

Go.

[Chattering]

[Chorus Vocalizing]

[Clicks]

[Mumbling]

"Hambs."

"Drapes."
[Mumbling]

Here we are.

[Grunts]

[Groans]

Hello.

Ah.

Oh.

[Mumbling]

That's it.
[Stammering]

[Laughing]

Can I help you?
[Screams]

- Well?
- [Whimpering]

[Sobbing]

I didn't know
anybody was... here.

I came in and�

I�

Persons seeking information
are to wait in the waiting area
prescribed for them.

It is a criminal offense
for unauthorized citizens...

to tamper with official files.

Oh, yes. Yes, to be sure.
To be sure.

[Snaps]
[Snaps]

Remove your hat.
Oh.

All right. Now that you are
in the proper area, would you
please state your business?

Chairs. Dining room,

walnut, made by Hambs,

belonging to a certain
Ippolit Matveyevich
Vorobyaninov.

Tell me, comrade.
Yes.

Why exactly are you seeking
this particular set of chairs?

It's, uh�
it's personal.

I'm sorry.

No information,
no information.

All right. All right.

I'll tell you everything.

I am Vorobyaninov's son.

His firstborn.

He was like a father to me.

So,

you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Yes, I am.

How old are you?
Forty-six. Forty-four.

Which is it?
Forty-two. I'm 42.

According to our records,
Vorobyaninov is 53.
[Whimpers]

That means that
when you were born,
your father was...

11.

[Whistles]

Ah.
[Clears Throat]

[Mutters]

[Sighs, Clears Throat]

Ticktock.

- Are you trying to bribe
a Soviet official?
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

I was hoping for the best.

Well, since you are
Vorobyaninov's only son,

I�ll see what I can do.

Thank you. Bless you.

Now, if you will just
excuse me,

I will be back
in one moment.

Oh, thank you. Bless you.

Ah. Perfect.

One dozen Hambs chairs,
property of General Polyakov.

Ah.

Better make that 11.

Sent to a certain engineer
Bruns, irkutsk-

[Chuckles]

Siberia.

Here we are.
Ah.

Here's your shipping order.
Ah. Oh. Ah.

One moment, please.
Excuse me.

Procedure.
Uh-huh.

I hope you find
your chairs. Ah.

[Muttering]
Eleven chairs.

That's it.
Thank you. Thank you.

[Laughing]
Thank you. Thank you.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you.
Bless you! Bless you!

[Chattering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Train Whistle Blows]

Moscow.

The chairs are in Moscow.

I can hardly believe it.

I mean, we're actually
going to see them.

[Chuckles]
My chairs are in a museum.

I never realized
they were so valuable.

If they only knew.

Moscow!

They're not here.
The chairs are not here.

Look. See that cabinet?
Empire.

And those writing tables.
Louis Quinze.

We're on the wrong floor.
I know we're on the wrong floor.
Take it easy.

Take it easy.
And what if
they're not here at all?

How would we ever
find them, hmm?
Where would we look?

Who would we ask?
They're lost, I tell you. Lost.

I never should have�

My chairs.

My chairs!

That's my furniture!

I wonder which one it is.

Don't you worry about it.
We will know soon enough.

We will get the chairs
at closing time.

Closing time.

Closing time. Closing time.
[Bell Ringing]

Closing time.

Closing time.
Closing time.

What shall we do?

Wait until these people go by,
and then you follow me.

[Wood Rattling]

Here we are.

Get those Hambs
dining room chairs...

and put them on the cart.

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't make a sound.

Calm. Calm.

At all costs.

[Thump]
[Man]
No.

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't take them all.

Leave four.

Four. We are only
taking seven.

Why are they only
taking seven?

We are only taking seven...

because four is enough...

to represent the period.

That's why.

Good. Good. Now,

take the chairs
to the freight entrance.

They will be collected
at 8:00 a.m. Tomorrow morning.

Good.

They're getting away.
They're getting away.

They're not getting away.

We know exactly
where they're going.

And if luck is with us,
we will never have to see
those other chairs again.

What do you mean?
I mean, thickhead,

the jewels might
very well be hidden...

in one of these
four beauties.

[Metal Rattles]

- What are you doing?
- Maybe we missed something.

Does this look like
we missed anything?

The chairs! The chairs!

I know, I know.
Shut up.

"Columbus
Repertory Theatre."

[Vorobyaninov]
Two,

four, six.

Six. Seven.

Where's seven?

[Vorobyaninov]
They're leaving!

It's all right.
We know where
they're going.

Our problem is
number seven.

Where is number seven?

Well, I must find out.

Yes, we must find out.

Not "we." /.

You sit here
and wait for me.

Sit.

Stay.

[Whines]

[Whimpering]

[Man]
Irkutsk! Irkutsk!

Siberia!

[Knocking]

[Huffing]
Whoo!

Yes?
I am looking for
Engineer Bruns.

I am Engineer Bruns.
[Moans]

What do you want?
[Moaning]

[Muttering]

What is it?
What are you doing?

[Moaning, Chuckling]

Olga!
What's going on?
What's going on?

Andrei, why is that man
kissing your knee?

I don't know.
Dear lady-

Oh! Oh!
On you I rest
all my hopes.

Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
On the chair.

No, no, no. Don't�
I must grovel
at your feet.

Put him up on the chair.
No, no, no, no.

Now, once and for all,
who are you
and what do you want?

I want to grovel at your feet.
I must grovel at your feet.
No groveling.

There will be no
groveling in this house.
This is a Soviet household.

We don't allow groveling.
What do you want?

I� Hmm.

These chairs.
I must have these chairs.

He wants our chairs.
Maybe he's
a furniture dealer.

Are you a furniture dealer? Is that it?

Not for personal gain.
I assure you,
not for personal gain.

My motives are pure. Ohh.

They're the very best motives.
I� I� I think...

you're going to be very
impressed with my motives.

Yes.

- Well?
- Well what?

Your motives.
You didn't tell us your motives.

Oh, yes. My motives.
My motives.

Come on, brain.

Got it!
[Whimpering]

The chairs belonged
to my wife and her mother
before her,

and now my wife is ill.

She's very ill.
She's dying, dying. Dead.

Dying. Uh, she keeps
calling for her chairs.

Oh, please.
You cannot deny me.

It's a dying woman's wish.
[Sobs]

Olga, what shall we do?
Shall we give him the chairs?

Don't be ridiculous.
Nobody's taking my chairs.
You dirty-

I'm sorry. I cannot let you
have the chairs.

I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that.
I didn't hear that.
I don't want to hear that.

Don't you understand?
I don't want to hear that.

[Yells]
Ooh! That's a hot�

[Whimpering]
That's a hot�

My dear lady,
don't you understand?

I need those chairs!

- Andrei!
- Oh, please.

- Oh, please.
- Stop that! Andrei!

[Screams]
Out!

I want him out of this house
immediately!

Well, that's done it.

Wait. Wait.
Let's discuss this like adults!

[Yelps]

Don't judge a book
by its cover.

[Groans]

A memento.
A memento of my visit
to your lovely home.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

[Wind Howling]

Ah!

Wait! Wait! I'll pay!

100 rubles!

102?
[Both Groaning]

[Man]
You down there.

If we don't sail
in 10 minutes,
I'll miss the tide.

Wait, please.
A few more minutes.

One of my actors
is missing.

Wait.

[Man]
Gronsky. Where is Gronsky?

[Sobbing]

How the hell
can I do the play
without Gronsky?

Sevitsky, how could you
let this happen?

It's your job to make sure
that the actors...

are supposed to be where
they're supposed to be...

and not wandering around
drunk somewhere.

Well�
Shut up.

Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

That's all I hear
from you.

Oh, my goodness.

I look dreadful.
Why didn't you say something?

Time and tide wait for no man.

I like that reading.

Maybe he could play the count.

Sevitsky, that vulgar man
in the wheelhouse,

it's only good for one thing�

running ships...

and trying to browbeat
his superiors.

Well, if worse
comes to worse,

I shall play the count.

Worse shall never come
to that worse.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
the commissar producer
of the Columbus Theatre.

That's me.
Good, good.
I'm in time.

And what do you want?

I've just come from Gronsky.
He told me to find you.

- Where is he?
- Moscow General Hospital.

- [Gasps]
- Yes, he was a little
in his cups, you might say.

He tried to stop a streetcar.
He suffered two broken legs
and minor contusions.

And, uh, who are you?

Well, I am from
the Artists' Union, theater division.
I'm to accompany you.

I took the liberty
of getting an immediate
replacement for Gronsky.

Fine actor. Made for the part.
With your permission, I will just
bring him right on board. One moment.

I�

Guess what.
From now on,
you are an actor.

[Traditional]
[Chattering]

[Continues, Faint]

Sevitsky.

Where are you going
with that samovar?
What samovar?

That samovar.
Oh, this samovar.

Yes.
Well, I was going to
have it polished up...

for the show tonight.

Sevitsky, if I catch you
trying to sell another piece
of company property,

Siberia!

I was going to
have it polished.
I swear! I swear!

I hate people I don't like.

I feel something.

I knew it. I felt it.
I felt it in my bones.

Lucky seven.
Little lucky seven.

That is seven.
This is eight.

Lucky eight.
Lucky eight.

Well, seems much too small
for all that loot.

Open it, open it.

[Sighs]
Empty.

Empty.

Somebody must have
got to the jewels before us.

Oh, there were never
any jewels in this box.

It was put in
by the furniture maker.

"One set of 12 chairs...

"crafted for
I.M. Vorobyaninov...

by Christopher Hambs
of London."

[Sighs]
I really thought we had them.

I really thought we had them.

Next.

What's going on here?
Ah.

We are actors.
We are members of
the Columbus Repertory Theatre.

As you can see, my dear sir,
some of our chairs
were broken in transit.

We are repairing them.
Misha, hand me the leg.

Misha.
Hmm?

Oh.

If you're actors, you'd better
get up to the ship's theater.
The show's starting.

Oh, yes, of course.
Of course.

Come along, Misha.
Come along. Come along.

[Ostap]
"The workers are dissatisfied.
They intend to make a revolution.

Is there any truth
to this rumor?"

"An uprising of peasants
and workers. I have never
heard anything so absurd."

Good.
Bender, the other
three chairs in the hold.

The other three chairs
in the hold depend
upon you, my friend.

Hmm?
If you go out on that stage
and make a fool of yourself,

you will get us thrown off
this ship before you can say
Nicholas and Alexandra.

It's only a play.

I have attended a theater
before, you know.

[Man]
Ah, Krakov.

It will be so marvelous
to see that stimulating
Count Krakov again.

[Woman]
Oh, yes. I too have missed him.

- Where's Krakov?
- That must be Count Krakov now.

You're on.

- Ah, Count Krakov.
- [Applause]

[Audience Murmuring]

[Vorobyaninov]
Ostap. Take me with you!

Not a chance.

Ostap-
[Panting]

You'll never catch up
with that boat.

I don't intend to.
I'm going to take the train
and meet the boat at Yalta.

[Grunting]

Ostap! Ostap!

I'm not a strong swimmer!

I'm not a swimmer. Help!

Vorobyaninov.

Help. Help.

Help.

Thank you.
Thank you.

I�

Cold.

It's cold.

[Shivering]

- Here.
- [Grunts]

Thank you.

You're a good soul, Bender.

A good soul.

[Slurps]

Mmm! This borscht
is delicious, Olga.

I love it cold!

Why didn't you
ever make it cold?

How could I make it
cold in Irkutsk?

If we didn't eat hot things,
we'd have died there.

Smell that air.

Smell that air!

Like wine.

I know. I know.

Every night I thank God
for your transfer to Yalta.

I don't think I could have
survived another winter there.

My dear.

My dearest dear.

[Fyodor]
103.

What?

I didn't say anything.

104.

Olga?

[Chorus Vocalizing]

105.

Good. Oh, good.

Good. Good.
[Grunting]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
How very generous of you.

You really shouldn't have done it.

Please, go now.

I never want
to see you again.

Oh, I must say good-bye
to Madame Bruns.

How can I leave without
saying good-bye to Madame Bruns?

[Screams]
No!

[Accordion]

The chairs.
I don't see the chairs.

Yes?
Uh, we're
still thinking.

[Ostap]
Sevitsky.
He looks pregnant.

Come on.
Let's not lose him.

We must see where
he delivers his child.

[Ostap]
Ah, it's a boy.

Comrade Sevitsky!
You are under arrest for selling
property belonging to the state.

Polished.
I'm having it polished.
[Laughing]

Oh, it's you,

Count Krakov.

Well, you've had
your little joke.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'll be on my way.

Wait a minute.
I would like to talk
a little business.

Business?
Yes.

I'm interested in some chairs.
Three of them, to be exact.

They're in your present production
at the Columbus Theatre.

Oh, yes.
Walnut. Gold covers.

I'm afraid they are
already spoken for.

Listen, scum!
I want those chairs.

Do you hear me?
I want those chairs!

You don't understand.
It's quite impossible.

I promised them
to a certain individual.
He's giving me 10 rubles apiece.

Sell him something else.
I want those chairs.

Don't worry.
You won't be out a kopeck.

You will get
your 30 rubles.

Oh, my throat!
When can you
deliver the chairs?

Tonight. After the performance.
You'll bring them here?

Yes. I'll bring them here.

All right.

Now, Sevitsky,
please don't disappoint me.

Because if you do, I�m afraid
I�ll have to break your neck.

A threat to the wise, hmm?
All right.

Midnight. Here on this spot.

You bring the money,
I�ll bring the chairs.

Bender, Bender, 30 rubles?
How do we raise 30 rubles?

[Seagulls Squawking]

Thank you.

Fine day for a picnic.

The others should be
along any minute.

Thank you.

Thank you and good-bye.

Good-bye.
Have a nice day.

Good-bye.

Get out of here!

[Moaning]

Ooh! Oh,
what beautiful wood.

[Moaning Continues]
What fine detail.

Beautiful workmanship.
Beautiful workmanship!

What a gorgeous chair!

Oh, it can't be.

[Muttering]
It can't be! It can't be!

[Panting]
It couldn't be!

It can't be! It can't�
It can't be!

[Groans]

I don't want to live.
I don't want to live!

I don't want to live!
[Grunting]

[Screaming]
I don't want to live!
I don't want to live!

[Grunts, Groans]
Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Groaning Continues]

Thirty rubles!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Of course! Of course!

[Kisses]

Dostoievsky.

What?
Never mind.

Can you roll your eyes?
Roll my eyes?

Yes, roll your eyes.

I don't know.
Try it.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Born to do it.

Now, at a given signal�
Stop it.

At a given signal from me,

you will fall from this bench
onto the ground...

and pretend to have
an epileptic fit.

You will roll your eyes,

you will move
your arms and legs...

in short,
spastic jerks...

and generally writhe
around out of control.

I will call attention
to your pitiful state,

and the good-hearted
citizens of Yalta
will shower you with coins.

What a disgusting idea.

What filthy taste!

There never was
and there never will be...

a Vorobyaninov who begs!

[Groans]

Parasite!

Parasite! Parasite!

Disgusting,
helpless, inept,

bloodsucking parasite!

Vorobyaninovs never beg!
I begged all my life!

[Whimpering]

Now listen, old man.

Pride is a luxury
that neither you
nor I can afford...

at this time
in our lives.

We need 30 rubles
to make our dreams
come true.

It's sink or swim.

I choose swim.

Now, to beg
or not to beg?
That is the question.

I will give you five...

to decide yes or no.

On the count of five,
it is farewell.

One�
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Good.

Now, do your stuff.

Attention!
Ladies and gentlemen, attention!

A comrade, a citizen,
a fellow human being...

cries out for our attention!

Epilepsy, my friends!
Epilepsy.

The same disease
that struck down our own
beloved Dostoievsky.

God knows what genius,
what great works of art
may be trapped...

in the mind of this poor,
wretched soul.

Ah, this poor man.
This poor man.

[Whispers]
Roll your eyes!

Yes, give! Give...

so that this quivering,
shivering, helpless victim...

can receive desperately
needed medical attention.

Give! Give, please!

Open your hearts.
Give. Give. Give.

Thank you.

Please give.

[Crickets Chirping]

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Hmm. Still angry, huh?

When this business is over,

I never want
to see you again.

Oh, you're here.
Good.

Yes.
Won't you come in?

Yes.

Sorry I�m late. I had to wait
till everybody left the theater.

It was opening night,
and there was a party.
What can I tell you?

You can tell me why you
only brought two chairs.
We made a deal for three.

Well, yes, I tried, but�
Where's the other chair?
Where is the other chair?

[Gasping]
Do you know what I went through
to raise money for those chairs?

Shh. Come on.
You're gonna ruin everything.
[Growling]

What's the matter with you people?
Every time we meet,
you go for my throat.

What happened
to the other chair?

There is a thief
in our company.

It's terrible.

He sold the chair
to a Finnish aerialist
for 10 rubles.

A Finnish aerialist?

Yes. He works at the fair,
just outside of town.

Can I have
my 30 rubles now, please?
Twenty!

[Growling]
Y-Y-Yes. Sorry. Twenty.

Twenty. Twenty. Twenty.
[Mumbling]

Shh. Shh. Shh.

- Again the throat.
- Here. Here's your money.

Twenty. Thank you.

Tell me, why are you
so interested in these chairs?

- Shut up.
- Oh. That's the reason.

Bye.

[Sighs]

Well,

don't give up,
old friend.

Remember the famous
Russian proverb:

"The hungrier you get,
the tastier the meal."

On the other hand,
the French have a proverb:

Merde!

Thy love will banish sorrow

Thy love shall cleanse my grief

The sun will shine tomorrow

My a-a-a-a-anguish

Will be brief

Oh, foolish man.

Foolish, foolish
man that I am.

I must not weep.
I must count my blessings.

My blessings.

[Laughing]

I don't want to live!

Ooh.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

[Sighs]

Thy love shall banish sorrow

Thy love shall cleanse my grief

[Carnival Band]

[Chattering]

[Drumroll]
The chair!

[Audience Gasps]

Come down, you thief!

Come down here
this instant!

That's my chair!
Do you hear me?

My chair!

[Audience Gasps]

Listen, you!
That's my chair!

Get down, you fool!
Get down! You'll kill us both!

I want that chair.
Give me that chair!

[Audience Gasps]

[Applause]
[Carnival Music Resumes]

[Chattering]

[Whimpering]

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord,
your lamb is lost.

Please help me.
Oh, please help me, Lord.

Thank you.

[Screams]

It's mine! Do you hear?
Mine! Mine! Mine!

Mine! Mine!

Very nice.
Very nice, indeed.

A partner in the firm...

running off with
the company's assets!

[Yelling]

So you wanna
play horsey, huh?

Mine! Mine! Mine!
[Gasps]

[Both Grunting]

Father Fyodor!

- Need a hand, mon p�re?
- Oh, come on, God!

[Panting, Whimpering]

[Laughing]

[Laughs]
The chairman of the board.

Where is he?
Yah, yah, yah!

Yah, yah, yah!

Ah, hate! Hate! Hate!

[Fyodor Chuckles]

God sees. God sees all.

Why do you think
he gave me the strength...

to climb straight up
a mountain wall
and deny the same to you?

There must be some reason.
Yah-dee-tah-tah!

Oh, God, how I hate him!

He mustn't get away!
He mustn't get away!

He mustn't get�
Mustn't get away.
Mustn't get away.

Fear not,
my dear marshal.

He will not get away.

As a matter of fact,
he can't get away.

There's no way down.
Come on. I'll show you.
Come on.

See? No way down.

[Chuckling]
There's no way down.

He can't get down.
He's trapped.

He's trapped.
You're trapped!

You're tra-a-a-apped!
Yah, yah, yah!

Yah, yah, yah!
Yah, yah, yah!
[Laughing]

Yah, yah, yah, yah�

[Grunting]

Ah. It stopped raining.

It's very quiet.
What do you suppose
he's doing?

Do you think
he found the jewels?

Shh, shh, shh.
In a moment,

the jury will bring in
a verdict.

Oh, Lord,
you're so strict! Oh!

[Clicks Tongue]

Well, the last chair
is in Moscow.

[Fyodor Sobbing]

Only 3,000 miles away.

Come, my friend.
Let us take a stroll.

[Sobbing Continues]
Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord,
if this is your pun...

[Gasping]
...ishment.

How did I get here?

[Panting]

There's no way down.

There's absolutely
no way down.

I'm gonna need a great deal
of help to get down.

[Grunts]

Boys!

Oh, boys!

Yoo-hoo! Vorobyaninov!

I have always liked you.
You know that.

We come from the same village.

For 25 years,
I have been your priest.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
get me down!

Get... me... down!
[Echoes]

[Male Chorus Vocalizing]

[Vocalizing Continues]

[Ends]

[Train Whistle Blowing]

I'm hungry.
Where did you lose
the man with the chair?

Look around.
Does anything look familiar?

[Brass Band:
"The international"]
All right. Come on.

[Continues]

I now officially open...

the Moscow Railway Workers'...

Communal House of Recreation.

[Resumes]

[Continues]

[Applause]

May it serve to comfort...

those brave heroes
of Soviet transportation,

the railway workers
of the U.S.S.R.!

[Applause]

A free buffet lunch will
be served immediately.

[All Cheering]

[Excited Chattering]

[Man]
Come on! Come on!
There's other people waiting.

[Shouting Continues]

Let's go! Let's go!

[Man]
Come on! Come on!

What are you doing?
Go on!

[Shouting Continues]

[Indistinct]
I didn't get a roll.

Come on.
I didn't get a roll!

[Shouting Continues]

Here.

Would you mind very much
if I took something from your plate?

I didn't get a chance
to get any food.

There was a greedy pig
holding up the line.

Animal.

[Spitting]

Thirsty.

Ostap. Ostap!

Yes, old man.

The last chair.

See! We are not
the only smart ones.

Hello, comrades!
[Chuckles]
[Ostap] Hello.

Hello, comrades.
Welcome.

- [Grunts]
- Maman!

Eat.

Take your eyes
off that chair.

I'm gonna check
the window.

[Man]
Mm-hmm.

[Clicks]

I have unfastened
the window latch,

and we will return tonight
after the club has closed.

Shh.

One, two, three!
[Grunts]

Come on.
[Grunting Continues]

Come on!

Chair.
Where is the chair?
You're sitting on it.

Here. Come on. Let me do it.
Let me do it!

Well? Well, well,
well, well?

They're not here.

What?

They're not here.

The jewels are not here.

It can't be. It can't be.

It can't be. Do you hear me?

[Upholstery Tears]
It can't be!

[Door Opens]
[Switch Clicks]

What's going on here?

What are you doing?

Where are my jewels?
My jewels were in this chair.

They were your jewels?

What do you mean "were"?
They are.

Are my jewels.
Where are they?

Where are they?
Look around you.

See these chess tables,
all this fine furniture?

This club was built
with them.

When were they found?

Four months ago.
Right on this spot
in the old club.

Kaminsky was putting up
a curtain.

He was standing on a chair.

Suddenly, bang, his shoe
went right through the seat,

and all that stuff
came tumbling out�

diamonds, rubies,
necklaces.

It was a miracle.

No, no.

They were mine.

Mine.

[Screaming]

[Shouting]
I'd better get the police!

Help! Police! Help!

See? See? He's mad!
You! Put that down!

Oh, you wanna play rough, eh?
[Grunts]

That has done it.

Come on.
We better make tracks.

Never hit a policeman.

Never, ever
hit a policeman.

[Growls]

Halt!

It's too high.
The horse!

The horse?
Jump!

- Come on.
- Halt!

- Come on!
- Halt! Halt!

[Whinnies]

[Blowing]

[Sighs]

Why don't you
get rid of that thing?

Listen, old man.
[Sighs]

We have got to split up.

It's the only
sensible thing to do.

The police are looking
for a handsome,
young desperado...

and a crazy old man
with a broken chair.

I think I'll do
better without you.

Look, what are you
shaking your head for?

I'm not taking a vote.
I'm telling you something.

This partnership is over,
dissolved, finished.

The company is bankrupt.

Look.

Here. Look, you maniac.

Three kopecks!

How far can we go together
on three kopecks?

I simply can't
afford you anymore!

[Grunts]

[Chair Crashes]

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Murmuring Continues]

[Chattering]

Epilepsy, my friends!
Epilepsy!

The same disease
that struck down...

our own beloved Dostoievsky.

Give.

Give...

from the bottom of your hearts.

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