All language subtitles for Marlon.S02E08.HDTV.x264-SVA[eztv]-eng

What's up, Mar-freakials?

Today we're talking
about the rites of passage.

See, most people in
those moments run scared.

But not me.

First kiss.

Most people are
all timid and kiss like,

I was busting slobs like,
"Come here..."

But the biggest rite of passage is...

Bam! License to drive.

See, most people were nervous. Not me.

I did donuts outside of Dunkin Donuts

in front of a cop
that was eating donuts.

'Cause I'm fearless.

Marlon!

How does this happen?

Why does God let bad things
happen to good people?

Yvette.

There are worse things than
having a low passenger rating

on Uber.

That's easy for you to say.

You're a seven with a 4.8.

And I'm a ten with a 2.2.

Well, this seven is starting
to give 0.0 damns.

Hi, Ash.

Hi, Geico lizard.

Marlon, why are you running
like Maury just said,

"You are the father"?

He hopped the fence and
sprinted through the backyard

because the neighbors were
playing with their dog outside.

He's a killer. I know it.

His name is Twinkie.

So? Back in the projects

some dogs had nice names too,
like Tiny, and Princess,

and Lamb Chop, but they were vicious.

And some of them was on crack.

You ever been chased up
a chain-link fence

by a Cracker Spaniel?

Stevie, what's your passenger
rating on Uber?

I'm proud to say

I have an unblemished 5.0.

Will somebody please tell me
what's wrong with me?

Oh, too many options.

Oh, damn, I got insult brain freeze.

No, but seriously.

Who wouldn't wanna pick me up?

Oh, my God, woman.

Are you trying to kill me or what?

Anyway, I have to take Marley
and her friend Kristie

to the Art Walk downtown.

I need you to take Zack
to his sleepover.

No can do.

Ah, see, me and Stevie,

we're going to a one-night showing

Electric Boogaloo."

Ha-ha!

Heh-hey. Ah-ooh.

The 23rd best breakdancing
movie of all time.

We just came to get some snacks.

And why are you driving
Marley anywhere?

She is 16 years old.

She should have her license by now.

Well, she has her permit,
but she's just not interested

in getting behind the wheel yet.

Oh, my God, girl, she's 16.

What, you gonna be sexting
for her next?

What the hell?

You know, Marley's not alone.

Her generation feels
less urgency to drive.

They don't crave independence
the way we did.

Says the negro on my couch.

Man, I couldn't wait to drive.

The day I turned 16,

I grabbed my uncle's
tricked-out school bus,

I went down to the DMV,
I got my license,

and that meant that me
and 37 of my homeboys

could go anywhere we wanted.

I'll never forget
the first time I drove.

I sat on Nana's lap
and steered her big old Buick

through the empty A&P parking lot.

You told me you learned to drive

when you was 19 years old.

Yeah, I was.

Okay?

Well, Marley will come around
to driving in her own time.

Come on, Ashley.

She should have her license by now.

She should be driving
herself to school.

She should be dropping her
brother off at sleepovers.

She should be picking
her daddy up from clubs

when he's too drunk to drive home.

Marley, it's time
you get your license.

Tomorrow, in the car with Daddy,

lessons begin.

Why do I need to drive?
I have Mommy and Uber.

Yeah, Marlon, I don't mind
driving her around.

Why don't we get you a little
black hat and a slave accent

and you two can play
Driving Miss Marley?

All right, forget it, Marley.

Clearly, your dad
is not gonna let this go.

Nope.

Tomorrow I'm gonna
make you a road warrior.

But for now, me and Stevie got a date

with Turbo, Kelly, and Ozone.

Let's get it, boy. Bang, bang.

Oh, oh, oh.

'Ey, pull the car around back,

kiss it up against the garage,

I'ma jump right in, okay?

Not today, Twinkie.

What is that noise?

Put your seatbelt on.

Oh, yeah.

All right, baby girl,
now what's the first thing

you do when you get in a car?

Check if there's enough gas.

Eh! No.

First thing you do
when you get in a car

is I want you to get your lean on.

Lean all the way back.
Yeah, now I'm feeling myself.

Yeah.

- Marlon.
- Huh?

Please don't teach my baby
all your nonsense.

Who told you to come along on
our driving lesson anyway?

I'm not letting her learn
to drive from somebody

who was taught in
a school bus in Manhattan

by their drunk uncle.

He wasn't drunk. He was high.

Daddy, your hand should be
at ten and two.

Baby girl, no, your hands
should not be at ten and two.

Look at that.
Ten and two is not swaggy.

I like to fast-forward
my hands to, like, high noon.

Yeah, this way you got one hand free,

and you could chuck
a handful of pennies

at somebody that's
trying to cut you off.

Like,.

- Marlon.
- What?

Girl, nothing feels better
than shotgunning $1.62

at somebody that try to sideswipe you.

Uh, pa-ra-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

Ha-ha.

And, you get to help
the homeless at the same time.

Another lesson.

Learning when to use
the horn is important.

You don't just honk for no reason.

Sometimes you honk because you
wanna let somebody over.

Then they honk back. You know, oh,

he give me a nice t... tip of the hat.

And then sometimes, there's
somebody you're ignoring

trying to cut you off,
and you're like, I see you.

I see you... no, no.

Uh-uh.

You want some attitude. Just warn 'em.

And then sometimes, some idiot
actually try to cut you off,

and that's when you gotta
curse 'em out with your horn.

Ah, no, you didn't.

Jackass!

You hear that?

It curses for you.

Yeah?

Uh-oh.

Daddy, you just made an illegal left.

You can't cross a double yellow line.

Listen, remember, it's only
illegal if you get caught.

All right, you ready
to rock this, baby girl?

I think I've learned enough for today.

Yes, Marlon, how about you drop us off

and Marley and I will
go get mani-pedis.

Mani-pedis? We just got here.

I gotta teach Marley
the rules of the road.

Well, I know one rule is that
you have to stay at least

three car lengths behind
the car in front of you.

Tsk. Girl, that's for people
who don't have auto-brakes.

Oh!

See?

Technology got you covered.

Okay. Stevie,
I have to get my score up.

Now, just pay attention and tell me

if I'm doing anything wrong.

I'm just glad that
you asked me to help.

It's so nice to be
able to spend time...

Hey, driver, couple of things.

Now, I know y'all like
to follow your Waze,

but I'ma take you my ways.

Also, set your A/C at 72
degrees and crack the window.

Y'all breath is
making it humid in here.

Ooh, last thing. Pass me that plug.

I wanna listen to my podcast.

"Real Housewives of Atlanta:

Top One Hundred Screaming Matches."

Thank you, baby.

You may drive.

See? I'm easy like Sunday morning.

Bitch! You tried it!

Hey, there she is.

Ah, so you got your license.

Actually, we didn't get to
the driving part of the exam.

Wait, you... you... you flunked?

Uh-huh.

So why y'all giggling like two smurfs

that just escaped Gargamel's house?

Well, we didn't wanna stay
in a negative space,

so we went shopping
and stopped at fro-yo.

Oh, hell nah. Fro-yo is for winners.

Sbarro's pizza is for losers, okay?

It's okay, Daddy. I mean, I tried,

but I guess driving's
just not my thing.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Since when does a straight-A student

fail a written exam?

Ashley, now, I wanna say that
this is racially biased,

but, see, that girl
is damn near White.

I mean, you're her only black friend.

And that's kind of questionable.

Looks like she just
made a few simple mistakes,

like saying it's okay to cross
a double yellow line.

She deliberately failed the test.

Marlon, we don't know for
sure that she threw the test.

Maybe she got nervous.

Ashley, nerds don't get
nervous during tests.

That's what makes them nerds.

Look, there's only one way to
get to the bottom of this.

- Not...
- The Guilt Triple.

All I need to do is ask her
the same questions three times.

She's gonna crack.

Works every time.

Sometimes.

Usually.

Marley.

We need to talk to you.

Sweetheart,
we know you knew the answers

to the questions on that test.

Oh, I guess I just forgot.

She forgot.

She forgot.

So you didn't throw that test?

No.

You didn't throw that test?

I said no.

You didn't throw that test?

Okay, fine, I threw the test.

Boom! Guilt Triple!

Sweetheart, why?

I guess I'm just scared to drive.

And throwing the test
was my only way out of it.

Oh, well, honey, that's okay.

If you're not ready to drive,
you don't have to.

Hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh,
hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh,

hol' uh, hol' uh.

Huh...

Hold up.

This is a teachable moment here, okay?

Listen, Marley, when things scare you,

you gotta push through.

When I see something that scares me,

I walk up to it,
I look it in its face,

I give it that cold,
crushing, mean grill,

and then I bust its ass.

Oh, so you're good with big dogs now?

Well, that's different.
Big dogs will kill you.

And cars can't?

I don't wanna drive, Daddy. I'm sorry.

You're gonna run up the stairs?

That... that's a white girl
move right there.

And why are you gonna
put me on blast like that?

Because you were
being a hypocrite, Marlon.

Nah. That never bothered you before.

Something's up.

And you passed up a teachable moment?

Which, by the way,
is a phrase you taught me.

There's some other reason
why you acting like this.

No, there isn't.

There's no other reason?

There's no other reason?

There's no other reason?

Okay, fine, I like driving her around.

Boom!

Guilt Triple.

Marlon, when she was a baby,
I breastfed her.

And that ended.

And then I bathed her,
and I combed her hair,

and that's all over.

This time in the car
is the only time I have left

before she goes off to college.

You're just afraid you're gonna lose

your little roll dawg.

It's funny to hear about fear

from a man who watched most of
"Air Bud" with his eyes closed.

Ooh, you petty.

But you know what? You're right.

I have to prove to you both

that you can push through fear.

And how are you gonna do that?

By overcoming my own.

And for the record,

a Golden Retriever
with an 8-foot vertical

is scary as hell.

Remember, Yvette,

do nothing, say nothing...

be nothing. Observe.

Dear Lord, what is that smell?

I apologize for the smell.

Someone "shomited" in here last night.

Yeah, both ends, if you know
what I'm talking about.

They broke my only rule.

Do not throw up in my Toyota Camry.

I was forced to give 'em zero stars.

Oh, my God.

This is happening.

We're going live in five.

You'll remain calm. You'll do nothing.

You'll find inner peace.

Okay.

Wow.

This is working.

Good looking out, Stevie.

All right, family.

What does Daddy say about dogs?

They try to play you for
a sucka, but you ain't the one.

Yeah, you're damn right,
and I don't trust 'em.

And we're here because?

Because I brought
your little ass here, okay?

Because your father
wants to show everyone

- that he can pet a dog.
- That's right.

Not just a dog.

I'm going to pet
the biggest dog they got.

'Cause I'm gonna show you, you,
and you, Petty Pendergrass,

that I can push through my fears.

Okay?

I'ma walk up to the dog.

I'm a mean mug him, like,.

I'ma growl in his face.

And I'ma...... cold pet his ass.

And there ain't nothing he can
do, except... he gonna be my...

Oh, God. That's an...
that's a damn bear.

All right, that's what I thought.

Kids, who wants to go to Red Robin?

- Me!
- Oh, I love the cheese fries.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Now, I... I can do this.

Okay? Conquering a fear.

I'ma go incognegro.

Shh.

He won't notice me like this.

You seen that?
He almost bit my hand off.

You know what? Forget it.

Marley, just drive
around with your Mama.

Daddy, he's not gonna hurt you.

I think he's asleep.

Naw, he ain't asleep.

See, that's what
he wants you to think.

I'm onto you, brother. I'm on to you.

Marlon.

That dog is a sweetheart, okay?

Excuse me, do you have anything
a little more ferocious,

like something that you have
to feed with a long stick?

N... no. No.

I want to pet that dog.

- I'm conquering my fears.
- Yep.

- Remember, you got this.
- We're gonna do this.

- Yeah.
- Okay, just say bye to me.

I love you, son.

- Oh, take care of your brother.
- Okay.

- I didn't leave him no money.
- Oh.

I know he'd spend it all
on sneakers and candy.

Hold me.

Oh.

If we could just do it one last time.

- Marlon.
- Okay, okay.

- Go pet that dog.
- Okay, okay.

Just gotta play it cool.

You know, you know, uh,
you gotta play it cool.

And all of a sudden you just battle.

Yow! Ha!

I did it. Wait, I did it.

Wait, he got my arm. He got my arm.

No. Dad, it's your sleeve.

Oh, oh, thank God. Okay.

Okay, ah.

Who did that? both: You did that.

Who did that? both: You did that

Daddy did that.

- I'm proud of you, Daddy.
- Thank you, baby girl.

Hey, I faced my fear.

- Are you ready to do the same?
- I am.

I'ma a take that driving test.

That's my girl.

And hey, if you ever have any doubts,

I want you to remember your Daddy,

and I want you to push through
and conquer your fears.

See, I used to be afraid of dogs.

- Yeah.
- Now I ain't.

- I ain't afraid of no dogs.
- That's right.

I wish a dog was here ri...

Here, take the boy. Take the boy.

Come on, Yvette, it's been four days.

I'm not talking to you,
Heavin' Steven.

You got me on the "No Ride" list.

Stevie, how could you?

The girl is already
on the "No Man" list.

I was on task to complete another

stellar moment of nothingness.

But then I vomited,
and that was on me.

And on my shoes.

And a little bit on Yvette.

Hey!

- So did you pass?
- I passed.

Yay! Congrats.

But you're all sad.

Did you crash the car
on the way back home?

Sweetheart, what's the matter?

I don't know.

I mean,

I guess this means I'm a grown-up now.

Next I have to move out,
pay bills, be on my own.

That's even scarier than driving.

Yeah, scary to you.

That just made my pockets real happy.

My wallet went, "Hey!"

Honey, can I let you in
on a little secret?

I'm scared too.

Really? What're you scared of?

Letting you grow up.

But when I watched you
get your license,

and Daddy kind of pet
that very docile dog...

I realized that once
we face our fears,

they're not so bad after all.

Hey.

You guys don't have to worry
about this right now.

Girl, you just got your license, huh?

What you gonna do?

You gonna go drag racin'?

What, you gonna ghost ride the whip?

You gonna take
the car down to the 'Shaw

and holla at all
the boys, like, "Hey."

What? Psh.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna go to
the Art Walk with Kristie.

Psh. Girl, you better slow down.

You a wild one.
You going to the Art Walk?

Next thing you know you're
gonna be at the bookstore.

And then you... you may go real crazy

and be up at the museum.

Hello, we up in LACMA.

Like, we're learning stuff.

- I'm proud of you.
- Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

You were right, Marlon.

I was afraid to let
my little roll dawg go.

Gotta let 'em fly.

I know, but you gotta admit,
it's kind of hard

letting her grow up.

Tsk. Nah, I'm cool.

So Marley growing up
doesn't make you sad?

Tsk, girl, please. Huh.

Marley growing up
doesn't make you sad?

Uh, you ain't even doing it right.

Marley growing up
doesn't make you sad?

It hurts so much inside.

Boom.

Guilt Triple. Aw.

Wait. She got your keys or mine?

Girl! Marley!

That's my Range Rover. Ah, hell nah.

Take Mommy's... Mommy... the minivan.

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