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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
www.fmsubs.com
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How the fuck we doing, DC?
We good?
3
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:39,789
That music gets you hyped, man.
4
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,250
I see why there's
so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs.
5
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:47,797
It's the music, man. Make you feel like
you punched your best friend in the face.
6
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,467
"I'm hyped! I'll punch a nigga
in the face with a right!"
7
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,805
"Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit.
8
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,893
You did the same shit to me
with that Lil Uzi song last week.
9
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:02,353
No. You shot me right there."
10
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,565
I, like, still party. You know?
11
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:08,401
Yeah, I'm 45. I'm a...yeah.
12
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,448
You know that black don't crack
unless you smoke it.
13
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No, but I still party.
I'm like an old-young nigga.
14
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:19,704
Like...
15
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,289
You know what I mean?
Like...
16
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,625
I'm not like the nigga
that wears the Fubu and the...
17
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,087
and the Lugz and the big puffy jacket,
18
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,672
with the receding hairline
and the Yankee cap. I ain't him.
19
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,551
I'm the skinny jeans,
new 2.0, young-old nigga.
20
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,887
No. And then girls, when they dance,
21
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,765
they come real low and I'm like,
"Hey, I'm young in the face
22
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,475
and old in the knees. You..."
23
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,520
They be going down here, like, "Hey..."
24
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,939
I'm like, "Baby,
I can't follow you down there.
25
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:49,609
When I get to L-position,
my black ass come right back up."
26
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,612
No. 'Cause I don't wanna be
that nigga that go down,
27
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,405
try and chase it, like, "Hey..."
28
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,616
And your old ass gets stuck down there,
29
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:58,952
and she got to help you up.
30
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788
And you hear your knees pop
on the way up,
31
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,123
"Pop, pop, pop, pop!"
32
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,625
It's so loud, niggas think they shooting,
"Pop, pop, pop!"
33
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,168
"Oh, shit! They shooting!"
34
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,963
"Naw, they ain't shooting.
That's just my knees, man."
35
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,883
I can't commit physically to a song
36
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,261
until I know what the fucking words are.
37
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:19,180
I'm sorry, these...
Lyrics to these songs be crazy.
38
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,474
They be like,
"I'm sucking dick in the closet..."
39
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:22,767
"Naw, I'm good on that.
40
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,902
Nah. I'mma sit this one out.
I'm waiting for some Usher to come on,
41
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,987
something safe.
42
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,910
I'm saying, you know the good part
of the song's coming on...
43
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,329
You know, it's funny, like, you could tell
when the good part come on
44
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,125
'cause, brothers, we be like,
"Oh! This my shit, right here!"
45
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,836
It's funny 'cause black women
start stretching on your ass...
46
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,798
It be like, "Aw, this my song right here!
I'm about to twerk the shit out...
47
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,011
No. I'mma twerk the shit
out this, girl.
48
00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,598
I dislocated my clitoris,
popping my pussy to this."
49
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,562
"Girl, I broke my hymen twice
on this part.
50
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,730
Right here."
51
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,526
Some of these rappers,
they spend their money
52
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,195
on frivolous shit.
You know what they need?
53
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,406
They need, like,
some financial advisors.
54
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,868
They need to sit down with a nigga
that's Charles Schwab or Merrill Lynch,
55
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,119
you know,
before they write they rhymes.
56
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,330
♪ I got nine cars...♪
57
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,041
"Wait, nigga.
Those are depreciating assets.
58
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,837
You wanna put that money
on a nice condominium for yourself."
59
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,839
♪ I'm poppin' bottles with models ♪
60
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,884
"Hold on, now.
Those bottles are $700 in the club.
61
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,762
You could take your ass
right down to Costco..."
62
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,519
"You get the same bottle for 29.99.
63
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:52,815
And if you get the red tag special,
you'll get it for 24.99.
64
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,943
And don't pop bottles with models.
65
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,655
No. They do cocaine
and they can fucking drink all night.
66
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,908
Go get you a nice, regular bitch
that got to work in the morning."
67
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,791
♪ I got a mouth full of gold teeth ♪
68
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,252
"Well, brother, now you on to something.
69
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,589
'Cause gold stocks is making a comeback,
ever since Brexit."
70
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,759
Look, you hear the spatter
of Republican laughter.
71
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,721
Only the people with money could laugh
at that last joke.
72
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:24,931
People with money was like...
73
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,441
"This guy's a hoot!"
74
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,116
You know, but I realize
that I'm old school, man.
75
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,452
I like old-school hip-hop.
I like, like, "Rapper's Delight."
76
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:52,292
'Cause "Rapper's Delight"
was such a fun song, you know?
77
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,836
It was fun.
The lyrics was easy to remember.
78
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,171
It's like Dr. Seuss wrote
that motherfucker.
79
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:58,798
It was happy.
80
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:01,634
It was, like, hip-hop
even white people could enjoy.
81
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,428
'Cause the lyrics were so basic.
82
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:07,473
♪ I said a hip hop, hippie to the hippie
The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop ♪
83
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:10,310
♪ A-rock it to the bang bang
Boogie, the up, yo, the boogie♪
84
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,811
♪ To the rhythm of the boogie the beat♪
85
00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:13,938
Look how happy white people are right now.
86
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,232
These two white boys
is in their seat, like,
87
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,776
"Wow!"
♪ Hip woppy, to the beat♪
88
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,156
♪ And me, the crew, and my friend
We're gonna try and move our feet♪
89
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,283
♪ See, I am♪
90
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:29,996
'Cause the lyrics were
so simple to remember.
91
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:33,958
♪ Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn♪
92
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:34,917
♪ You say what♪
93
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:39,213
♪ If your girl starts actin' up,
then you take her friend♪
94
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,173
Yeah!
95
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,846
"Fuck yeah! Why reward bad behavior?"
96
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,560
I ain't trying to be a hater.
You know, I like some of today's artists.
97
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:53,644
Like, I love Jay-Z.
98
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,356
I love...I love Jay-Z.
99
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,067
You know, what I love
about Jay-Z is that...
100
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:04,238
he's an artist that matures
and his music matures with him.
101
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,450
You know, like,
right now his new album, 4:44.
102
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,535
He's talking about grown man shit.
103
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:13,206
Stuff that's relevant to grown-ass men.
You know what I'm saying?
104
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,917
Like, he's talking about, like, marriage,
105
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,460
and children,
106
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,797
and family legacy and wealth,
107
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,132
and cheating on your wife.
108
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,843
And getting caught.
109
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,096
And getting your ass beat
110
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,348
in the elevator
by her crazy little sister.
111
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,394
You know,
shit that happens to grown folks.
112
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,771
That shit happened to me twice last year.
113
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,317
But see, some of these rappers be rhyming
like they 25 years old.
114
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,069
I'm like, hold on a second.
115
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,737
Nigga, you 50!
116
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,532
I want some age-appropriate
rhymes from you.
117
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,576
You better give me some middle age
crisis rhymes, nigga.
118
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:56,749
♪ These young rappers think I'm a sweetie,
nah, sugar high, diabetes♪
119
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,798
♪ These rappers wanna fight me,
go ahead, call your boys♪
120
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,843
♪ You can't kick my ass,
They're full of hemorrhoids♪
121
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,891
♪ Oh, you wanna fight this?
I stay knuckled up♪
122
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,602
♪ Thanks to my arthritis ♪
123
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,612
I like some of today's music, you know?
124
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,864
I like some of today's artists.
125
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,949
Like, I like Future. You guys like Future?
126
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
White people look confused.
127
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,496
"It's a rapper. You know...
Well, the future...
128
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,999
Sure, I love the future.
I'm looking forward to the future.
129
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,086
I'm so sorry about the past. You know...
130
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:45,506
The whole slavery thing. I'm sorry."
131
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,845
Future is a rapper, okay?
132
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,555
And I like Future, but see...
133
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:56,225
I listen to the lyrics
and I think that Future...
134
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,768
this brother need rehab.
135
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,229
All his songs,
136
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,149
he's mixing some kind
of weird drug combination.
137
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:05,234
His new song, Mask Off...
138
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:09,363
He's mixing Molly with Percocet.
139
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,617
Nigga, that's a bad drug combination.
140
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,994
You trying to kill motherfuckers or what?
141
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,538
You OD in the car,
listening to this nigga's album.
142
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,384
What is the drug culture going in hip-hop?
143
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,887
It's one thing
when Dr. Dre did The Chronic.
144
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,847
You know, shit.
We all smoke a little weed.
145
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,806
Shit. Yeah, right?
146
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,433
Yeah, some of us sell it. Right, nigga?
147
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,063
But Molly and Percocet?
148
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,648
And that's a hit song.
149
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:47,235
What's the next hit song
from a bad drug combination?
150
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,904
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
151
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,365
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
152
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,574
♪ We gonna chop it up♪
153
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,617
♪ We put it in a cup♪
154
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,285
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
155
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,453
♪ Don't be crazy♪
156
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,454
♪ Give it to your baby♪
157
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,206
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
158
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:09,090
But at least I understand the words
that's coming out of Future's mouth.
159
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,425
Right?
I understand the lyrics.
160
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,927
I understand what he's saying.
161
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,053
Now...
162
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,223
Can somebody please,
be kind enough to tell me...
163
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,184
What in the entire fuck...
164
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,272
is Desiigner saying in the song "Panda"?
165
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,652
Who the fuck gave Buckwheat a record deal?
166
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:36,033
Like, I understand
the first lyrics, right?
167
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,494
♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪
168
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,330
And then this nigga lose me.
169
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,128
♪ Legacy panda♪
170
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,797
♪ Black car look like a panda♪
171
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,809
Okay, nigga. So, how high were you
when you wrote this fucking song?
172
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,186
Like, how did this happen?
Was ya in your house?
173
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,188
You had a party,
there was girls over.
174
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,025
You know, you were smoking weed,
got paranoid and shit,
175
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,277
and started hallucinating.
You came out your house, you was, like,
176
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,154
♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪
177
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,539
♪ White Legacy panda♪
178
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,796
♪ The black car♪
179
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,923
♪ It look like a panda♪
180
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:40,264
You don't understand.
181
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,642
Nigga, when I first...
When I first heard this song, right?
182
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:46,270
My son walks by me...
The boy's not even saying lyrics.
183
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,647
I don't know what the fuck...
184
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,399
He walk by, he just making noises.
Just strange sounds.
185
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,942
He walk by me going...
186
00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:09,126
I pulled his mommy to the side.
187
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,961
We called the doctor.
188
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,090
I thought this little nigga had
Tourette's syndrome.
189
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,428
Throughout the entire song,
Desiigner is screaming...
190
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,266
That shit sound painful.
191
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,186
That sound like the inaudible sound
that you make
192
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,438
when you go to take a piss
in the middle of the night,
193
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,648
in a dark room,
194
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,400
and you bust your toe...
195
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,403
on a piece of furniture
196
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,280
that ain't got no fucking business
being in the bedroom,
197
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,534
but your girl thought it was cute.
You know what I'm saying?
198
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,412
So, you go to take a piss
and you be like, "Aw, shit..."
199
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,093
And your girl wake up,
knowing it's her fault.
200
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,803
She put the shit there, like,
201
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,847
"You okay?"
202
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,433
No, bitch, I ain't okay.
203
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,061
What the fuck you got a goddamn
treasure chest in the damn bedroom for?
204
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,439
The fuck are you, a pirate?
205
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,942
When do you make that noise?
206
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,986
That's the sound I'd make...
207
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,822
if somebody was to wax...
208
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,204
this part of my asshole.
209
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,711
You know that weird meat
between your ass and your balls, fellas?
210
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:40,384
It's a weird little area because there
look like there should be a vagina there,
211
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,096
but God was like, "Come on,
you can't have a pussy and a dick.
212
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,056
Sew that shit up, Jesus."
213
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,057
"Okay, Dad."
214
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:54,440
And it got them weird,
scraggly hairs on it.
215
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:57,610
The hair don't grow right there.
It's all scraggly and sparse.
216
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,572
But it lay down. It look
like LeBron James' hairline right here.
217
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:12,708
But if your hair's real nappy and shit,
it look like Kevin Durant's.
218
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:23,135
But it's a weird little area,
this little place, right?
219
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,429
Because it's real sensitive, right?
220
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,307
It's the part on your body
where your girl lick, fellas, right?
221
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,975
And it feels really good.
222
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,520
It make you make all kind
of little weird, tickly noises, like...
223
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:39,401
It feels so good, you'll be making noises
like a white girl in a lesbian porno.
224
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,196
You'll be like,
"Oh, my fucking God! Fuck yeah!
225
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:46,951
Fuck yeah! Lick my fucking gooch!
Lick my fucking gooch!"
226
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,749
But you know when she lick it,
you feel a little bit gay when she do it?
227
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,501
You be conflicted, like,
228
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,461
"Oh, my God, suck my ass!
Here, suck my dick!
229
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:59,839
Make me straight again!
Go back down! Lick my gooch!
230
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,341
Lick the taint! Come back up!
Make me straight again!
231
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,718
Okay, listen. Don't tell nobody, okay?
232
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,057
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
233
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:15,020
Nah, nah, 'cause when you get mad,
you be saying all my fucking business.
234
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,649
You promise you ain't going
to tell nobody?
235
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,235
All right. I'm going to trust you.
236
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,696
Here. Go on, get all that gooch.
237
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:28,826
Oh, my fucking God!
Get my fucking gooch! Fuck yeah!
238
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:33,122
Hold on, get the dick, too.
We call that the Doberman pinscher tail."
239
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:43,257
Well, if somebody was to wax
that part of my asshole,
240
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,633
I'd make that noise.
241
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,683
Thank y'all for coming out, man.
I chose DC to film my first special.
242
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,977
'Cause the first place I came to perform...
243
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,770
I went to Howard University.
244
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,358
That's right. HU!
245
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,862
Yeah, I didn't graduate.
I know all that shit. I just...
246
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,575
I only went for three semesters, but...
247
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:13,162
Then In Living Color came on. I was, like,
"Bye, niggas, I'm gonna get rich!
248
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,749
Fuck your school, nigga!
Fuck your school!
249
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,751
Fuck your positivity, niggas!
250
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,466
It's great to hear y'all laughter, man,
because this world is going through shit,
251
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:29,136
and laughter is healing
and I think we all need to do more of it.
252
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,226
Man, you look at the world,
we got hurricanes,
253
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,355
we got earthquakes, fires, floods.
254
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,190
It's fucking armageddon.
255
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,942
And you know who I blame?
256
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,028
I blame the Kardashians. See...
257
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,368
They are ruining this world,
one Negro at a time.
258
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:58,666
I don't know what is
in the vagina of a Kardashian,
259
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,710
but I think they got Zika
in there for niggas.
260
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,465
It's like, as soon as you put your dick
in a Kardashian, their vagina sucks...
261
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,053
all the talent...
262
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,598
out your dick. Just...
263
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,059
It leaves you weak.
264
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573
Everyone that bang 'em.
265
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,535
They need to do the movie Get Out...
266
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,999
about the goddamn Kardashian family.
267
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,419
I'll make that my next movie.
Haunted House 3, right?
268
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,423
You know, I'm dating one of 'em.
It's like Khloe, Kim, or Kletus...
269
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,343
You know, all them niggas start with a K.
And I walk up and see Kanye West and go,
270
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,762
"Hey, Kanye! Hey, man,
let's take a picture!"
271
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,764
We take a picture. The flash goes off...
272
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,852
That nigga's nose start bleeding.
273
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,354
He snaps out of a trance,
he grabs my hand, he goes,
274
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,523
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"
275
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,985
They drag him away, right?
And I get scared, so I run outside.
276
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,487
And I see Lamar Odom.
277
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,991
He's all cracked out,
doing this shit here.
278
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,833
I look upstairs, like...
I see Caitlyn Jenner.
279
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,218
Looking in the mirror.
The motherfucker's wig fall off.
280
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,346
He got a scar going across his forehead.
281
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975
You know what that scar is?
From all them damn face surgeries.
282
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,852
But here's the thing.
I know I'm talking shit
283
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,687
about the Kardashian family,
284
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,273
but I want to say this
and say it out loud.
285
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:51,695
I respect them and I applaud them
for embracing Bruce for being Caitlyn.
286
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,572
'Cause, you know, that shit is hard, man.
287
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,617
That shit is hard on your family
'cause love and unconditional acceptance
288
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,534
is a motherfucker.
289
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,453
And I don't know if we all got
that property in us.
290
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:00,412
That's hard.
291
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,664
I call myself woke, but not all the way.
292
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,917
I'm up, nigga, but I'm not...I'm woke-ish!
293
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,462
'Cause I still see the world and go,
"All right, I accept it,
294
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,380
but here's what's funny
about that motherfucker."
295
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,509
I think it's beautiful
that they accept him and I know it's hard
296
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,135
on the family.
I could tell at the ESPYs.
297
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,347
When Caitlin was giving a speech
and she wanted to thank the family?
298
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:23,060
She was like,
"I just want to thank my children..."
299
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,775
She always moving her mouth around,
look like a black man that...
300
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,528
You know how black people taste the food
before the shit is ready and it's hot?
301
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,155
And you trying to cool it off
and chew it at the same time.
302
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,331
"I just want to thank my children...
303
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,671
for loving me as the beautiful butterfly
I was born to be..."
304
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,174
And the camera pan to the kids.
305
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,262
And they was like, "What in the fuck?"
306
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,935
Nigga, Kim Kardashian started slowly
sinking in her seat, like,
307
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,521
"Nigga, that ain't my daddy.
My daddy dead.
308
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,650
That's just some strange nigga
my mama was banging
309
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,235
for his Wheaties' money.
310
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:17,030
Speaking of banging strange niggas,
come on, Kanye, let's get up outa here."
311
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,826
"Aw, Khloe, you ain't got to worry
with your big, ol' ass.
312
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,871
We all know OJ is your real daddy, so..."
313
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,876
Aw, nigga, tell me
she don't look like the Juice!
314
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,338
Put a black glove on Khloe,
I bet you that shit won't fit.
315
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,841
Here's how I know she's OJ's, okay?
316
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,342
I seen her at the airport.
317
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,304
She's trying to rent a Hertz Rent-a-Car.
318
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,806
And the bitch was jumping over luggage.
319
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,856
And if Bruce wanna be Caitlyn,
I'm fine with that,
320
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,941
but, see, we live in America,
321
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:57,070
and we still have
the fucking freedom of speech.
322
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:00,115
I have the right to have an opinion,
the right to have a thought
323
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,951
because I live in America
and the First Amendment says
324
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,453
we have freedom of speech.
325
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,497
It's the most important Amendment.
That's right.You know why?
326
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:11,210
Yes. 'Cause I went to public school
and they didn't teach the fucking rest.
327
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,798
So, if Bruce want to be Caitlin...
You want to cut your dick off...
328
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,967
Hey, man, more pussy for me.
329
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,805
But I'm still entitled
to have my opinion, right, bro?
330
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,642
So, please, please, please...
331
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,810
Please, motherfucking please...
332
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:34,274
just stop trying to tell me
that this motherfucker is beautiful.
333
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,567
I'm sorry!
334
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:42,032
I'm sorry, okay? Look, Bruce Jenner
was a good-looking white man.
335
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:45,285
Right? But as a white woman? Shit...
336
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:50,749
I ain't seen a white chick that ugly
since me and Shawn in the fucking movie.
337
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,130
"You were thinking it!"
338
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,549
"You said it!"
339
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,684
Such a crazy time, man.
Such a crazy time in this world.
340
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,062
Fucking racism is coming back
like cocaine and skinny jeans.
341
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,272
Look at this shit here.
342
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,858
It's crazy, but you know what?
343
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,902
I don't think it's coming back everywhere.
344
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,988
I'm not going to let it come back
with me and my friends.
345
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,448
And I know a good number of people
in here ain't going to let it come back
346
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,702
with them and their friends.
We came too fucking far to allow racism
347
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,621
to break us up now.
So, we're having real conversations
348
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,747
about real issues, right?
349
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,082
For example,
350
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:35,502
my white friends want to say the n-word.
351
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,754
Yeah. And I'm like...
352
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:39,548
"Nigga, no."
353
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,721
And they're confused,
or perplexed as they call it.
354
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,640
"Why can't I say it? You say it."
355
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,019
I'm like, "Yeah. Well, I'm a nigga.
I can do that type of shit."
356
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,688
"Well, it's in all the rap songs."
357
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,898
"Yeah, guess what? Them niggas, too.
358
00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:58,984
They can say that type of shit."
359
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,278
"Well, but why can't I say it?"
360
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:02,571
I said, "Look, nigga..."
361
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:09,911
I said, "Nigger" was a word that was used
to hurt black people's feelings,
362
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,957
to demean us and make us feel less
than everybody.
363
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,170
But see, brothers,
we took that word and we transposed it.
364
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,379
We remixed it.
365
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,341
And we took our pain and we turned
that shit into positivity.
366
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:26,386
And we took the word "nigger"
and turned it into a term of endearment.
367
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:30,640
It went from, "Nigger," to, "Nigga!"
368
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:36,104
And that's a beautiful thing
that black people in our culture do.
369
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,106
It's a powerful thing that we do.
370
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,900
We did the same thing with chains.
371
00:22:39,983 --> 00:22:43,570
Chains. They was meant to enslave us,
keep us captured.
372
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,197
Keep us as slaves.
373
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:47,616
But now that shit is status quo.
374
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:50,952
What's the first thing black people do
when we get some fucking money?
375
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,497
Buy some motherfucking chains.
376
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,208
Brothers be like,
"Look at all these chains on my neck!
377
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,296
I'm getting my feet shackles bling
next week."
378
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,759
Look at what black folks did with a pig.
379
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,470
A pig. A filthy, dirty animal,
380
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,180
they gave us during slavery to eat.
381
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:12,849
Like, "You wanna eat some meat?
Well, eat this, niggers!"
382
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,935
And black people was like, "Well, okay."
383
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,688
And look at what...We tore a pig up.
384
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,109
We ate every fucking part of the pig.
385
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:27,406
If black people could eat a pig's soul,
we'd deep fry that shit.
386
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:31,493
To this day,
when a pig see a black person,
387
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:33,537
that motherfucker run off scared, like...
388
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:34,538
"Nigga, hide me.
389
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,582
No. The black folks is coming.
390
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:42,337
No. Hide me.
Please, let the white folks get me
391
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,005
'cause all they make is bacon.
392
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,758
These motherfuckers,
they eat every fucking part of me.
393
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:51,138
Look at my feet.
They took my fucking feet.
394
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:55,350
They chopped them off.
395
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,353
And they put 'em
in these fucking see-through jars.
396
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,731
And they eat the shit cold.
397
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:05,110
And they hands get sticky
and start looking like pig feet.
398
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:07,529
Look at what...
399
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:11,533
Look at what they did with my intestines.
They took my fucking intestines out!
400
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:14,202
And they clean the shit out.
401
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:17,998
All...The whole family.
The momma, the kids, the uncle,
402
00:24:18,081 --> 00:24:21,084
they clean the shit out with vinegar.
403
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:26,089
They boiled it, put some Larry's on it,
and called the shit, chitlins.
404
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,886
It stunk up the whole house
and they still ate it.
405
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:34,014
The niggas ate my ass!
406
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:36,766
Literally!
407
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,936
Look at...Man, look at my neck.
408
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,980
Look at my motherfucking neck.
409
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:43,899
Why's it like this?
410
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,693
'Cause the nigga took my neck bone,
411
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:49,529
boiled it and put it
in some fucking collard greens!"
412
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,329
That's beauty of black people,
the beauty of our culture,
413
00:24:57,412 --> 00:24:58,747
that's how we do.
414
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,501
We take our pain
and we turn it into positivity.
415
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,669
But you know...And my white friend,
you know, he was like,
416
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,546
"Well, what can I do to say it?"
417
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,881
I was like, "Motherfucker..."
418
00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,758
White people so damn persistent.
419
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:13,261
I see why y'all is successful.
You negotiate everything.
420
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,056
"Oh, well I hear your angle,
but what if...
421
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:21,353
I know you have a wall up,
but if I dig a tunnel up under here...
422
00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:23,104
How do I get to the n-word?"
423
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:27,734
I'm like, "Look, man, I wish there was
a protocol that I could give you, okay?
424
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:31,196
I wish there was an application
you could fill out,
425
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,324
and you could send it in
to nigga immigrations."
426
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,328
You go to niggagations
and get your fucking nigga pass.
427
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:40,413
You know what I mean?
And there's an angry brother sitting
428
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:41,915
at the desk.
He got to interview you.
429
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:43,208
He's sitting there like...
430
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:46,586
"Yeah, what you want?"
431
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,422
"I'm here to get my nigga..."
432
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,341
"You're here to get what, motherfucker?"
433
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,761
"I'm here to get my n-word pass."
434
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,429
"All right. That's better.
435
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,267
All right, well...who sent you?"
436
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:02,477
"Laq'kieché."
437
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,020
"Spell it."
438
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:13,697
"L...A...Q...apostrophe...
439
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:17,033
K...I...E...
440
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:19,119
C...H...
441
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,956
E...Accent over the E..."
442
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:25,542
"And?"
443
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,837
"And the Q is silent."
444
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,591
"My nigga! That was...
445
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,010
That was a hard one, man.
446
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,470
Hey, I want to thank you.
Now I know how to spell my wife
447
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,306
and my daughter's name.
Thank you, brother.
448
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,601
Hey, don't forget your nigga pass.
Here you go. All right, next.
449
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:46,187
All right. On The Cosby Show
when Denise made Theo
450
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,981
that designer knock-off shirt...
451
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:53,945
What was the name of the real designer
that she knocked off?
452
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,949
Goldie Gotrell! My nigga!
453
00:26:58,033 --> 00:27:00,035
Thumb imprint, nigga. Get your nigga pass.
454
00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:02,454
All right. Next!
455
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:03,622
Let's see here...
456
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,915
All right, let's see your application.
All right. Okay.
457
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:11,379
Okay. Your hobbies are eating, drinking,
smoking, and all types of ill shit.
458
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:12,339
All right.
459
00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:14,382
All right...
460
00:27:15,550 --> 00:27:17,886
What's your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?"
461
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,180
"It's fruit punch. I love fruit punch."
462
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,976
"I don't know...
463
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,979
Personally, I like grape.
You know? 'Cause...
464
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:30,190
It does something funny
to a black person's mouth
465
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,942
'cause the sweet and the tangy
makes your mouth do this here...
466
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:35,445
Okay...
467
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:36,863
When making Kool-Aid...
468
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:37,822
What...
469
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:40,325
is your sugar...
470
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:41,743
to water...
471
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,286
ratio?"
472
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:53,838
"Well, that be three parts sugar,
one part water."
473
00:27:54,923 --> 00:27:57,509
"Motherfucker, what you making, milk?
474
00:27:57,592 --> 00:28:00,679
Denied! Get the fuck up out of here!
475
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:03,848
What kind of sour pucker shit you making?
476
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:05,600
Let me tell you something.
477
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,560
It's 18 parts sugar...
478
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,354
dash of water.
479
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,358
If you sip it
and don't get instant diabetes,
480
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,860
well, motherfucker, that ain't Kool-Aid.
481
00:28:16,236 --> 00:28:18,446
You made Gatorade.
482
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,617
And, hey, hey. For your information...
483
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:28,039
every nigga know
the flavor ain't fruit punch.
484
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,374
The flavor is..."
485
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
Red!
486
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:31,918
Red!
487
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:39,259
So, finally I caved in
and I gave him a nigga pass.
488
00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:41,636
I gave him a nigga pass
'cause I knew him my whole life,
489
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,555
and I knew if we had beef
with other brothers,
490
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,557
he was going to have my back.
And I love him like a brother,
491
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,809
so, I was like, "Listen,
you keep this shit between me and you."
492
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:50,437
See, because a nigga pass is regional.
493
00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:54,190
You do not get a universal nigga pass.
494
00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:58,361
You gotta get your nigga passport stamped.
Every fucking new black person you meet,
495
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,363
they gotta stamp it with approval.
496
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:01,656
Because here's the thing.
497
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,576
There's only one white boy
that got a universal nigga pass.
498
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:06,745
And that is Eminem. You know why?
499
00:29:07,954 --> 00:29:12,709
'Cause Dr. Dre endorsed him.
His baby mama drama is real...
500
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:17,338
and that freestyle he did
about Donald Trump was amazing.
501
00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:26,222
So, what I'm saying is,
you can say "nigga" around yo niggas,
502
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,893
but if you think you gonna go
around some new niggas...
503
00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:32,270
and say "nigga"?
504
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,690
"Nigga!"
505
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:40,695
Now's the time
you don't want to be a nigga.
506
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,031
It's a tough time, man,
being black in America.
507
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,991
Cops are shooting niggas
like they playing a game
508
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,285
of Pokemon GO up in this motherfucker.
509
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:50,038
I'm like, "Wait, are y'all getting points
for that shit?"
510
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:53,374
But see, for black folks, man,
it's scary being black.
511
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419
When the cops are in back of me...
Something happens to you
512
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,046
when you are a black person.
513
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:01,174
You immediately...When the cops...
The lights don't gotta be on,
514
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:02,467
they just in back of you.
515
00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,677
You immediately freeze.
And you start looking
516
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,554
in the rearview mirror,
hoping they don't see you seeing them
517
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:07,847
in the rearview mirror.
518
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,558
And then you change the position
of how you seat.
519
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,102
'Cause, you know, black folks,
we drive back here.
520
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:16,439
Them cops come in back of you,
you sit up real white
521
00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:17,899
up in that motherfucker.
522
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,486
If, for a split second,
you be in your car, like,
523
00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:24,239
"Wait, did I steal this shit?"
524
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:28,952
Something has to change.
525
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,746
And I think they need a new check
and balance system.
526
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:37,001
You can't partner a potentially racist cop
with another potentially racist cop.
527
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,546
No. We need check and balance.
528
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:42,048
So, for every potentially racist cop,
529
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:47,887
we'll partner him
with a strong, black, female officer.
530
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:55,311
Yes, because sisters are firm,
but they are fair.
531
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,146
And they ain't gonna
let no injustice happen.
532
00:30:57,230 --> 00:31:00,775
That white cop get out of hand?
Oh, sister going to check his ass.
533
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:03,903
And she going to check the crook, too,
if he get out of hand. You know?
534
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,405
White cop like,
"Get the fuck out the car!
535
00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:06,447
Get the fuck out the car!"
536
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:07,991
"Hold the fuck up!
537
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:13,830
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
538
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,166
You ain't got to talk to him that way.
539
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:19,544
He is a human bein'."
540
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:21,504
"I think you meant 'being.'"
541
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:25,300
"Motherfucker, I said, 'being.'
The G is silent.
542
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,346
So goddamn sick.
543
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,348
Come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
544
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,851
You see, he turned all red in the face,
that means he's upset.
545
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,269
Come on, get up out the car."
546
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,854
"Put your fucking hands up!
547
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:39,731
Put your fucking hands
where I can see 'em!"
548
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:40,690
"See, hold up.
549
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:43,693
I 'pecifically told you...
550
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:50,700
I 'pecifically told you,
don't speak to that boy like that."
551
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:53,077
"I think you meant 'specifically.'"
552
00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:54,662
"Motherfucker, I said...
553
00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:56,289
'Pecifically.
554
00:31:56,581 --> 00:31:58,625
The S is silent.
555
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,129
Now come on, baby,
get your ass up out the car.
556
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:05,840
Put your hands in the air,
but don't wave 'em
557
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,425
like you just don't care."
558
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:10,511
"Oh, my God, look at...He has a gun.
Look at that thing in his pants!
559
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:12,889
I think he has a fucking gun!
It's a 12 gauge! It's huge!"
560
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:15,934
"Motherfucker, don't shoot!
That's not a gun.
561
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:18,478
It's his dick, motherfucker.
562
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,148
Yeah, move. I got this.
563
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,526
Baby, what's your fucking problem?
You know why we pulled your ass over?
564
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,695
Look at you. You got fucking saggy jeans.
565
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:30,156
You got tattoos on your face,
gold teeth in your mouth.
566
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:33,076
Where the fuck do you think you going?
You ain't going to work, motherfucker.
567
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:34,619
That's for goddamn sure.
568
00:32:35,161 --> 00:32:37,580
And what's that weed smell?
Gimme that shit!
569
00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:40,750
Oh, that's that raspberry yum-yum.
We going to have to keep this.
570
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:44,587
Confiscate this for evidence.
Okay, everything's good here."
571
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,339
"No. I want to ask him some..."
572
00:32:46,422 --> 00:32:48,091
"Motherfucker, don't axe him shit.
573
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:49,592
I'll axe the questions."
574
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:54,722
"Oh, my God, Lacricia,
it's not 'axe,' it's 'ask.'"
575
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:59,769
"Motherfucker, I said axe.
The S is silent.
576
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:02,689
Now get your ass up in the car.
577
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,191
And my name ain't Lacricia,
it's Laq'kieché.
578
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:06,818
The Q is silent.
579
00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:10,738
Now, come on. Let's go get some breakfax."
580
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,578
It's just a crazy time, man.
581
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:19,998
Now, you see,
I'm passionate about this shit,
582
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:21,749
'cause I'm a father.
583
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:25,086
I have two beautiful, teenage kids.
584
00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:27,213
Beautiful, black children.
585
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,008
You see, I get concerned
when they leave my house that...
586
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:31,676
they may not come home
587
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:34,804
because of the shit that's popping off,
and I just can't have that.
588
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:35,888
I just can't.
589
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,891
And see, I don't care if you're black,
I don't care if you're white,
590
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,685
I don't care if you're Middle Eastern.
591
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:43,271
I don't care if you're Asian,
I don't care if you're a little person,
592
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:45,857
'cause little people got babies, too.
They just real little.
593
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,737
No parent should be strapped
with the anxiety of,
594
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,281
"Is my child going to be safe?"
595
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:58,786
But see, they tell us as...
They tell us, as black folks
596
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,997
that we need to have "the talk"
597
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:01,914
with our children.
598
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:02,832
You hear about this?
599
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:03,875
"The talk."
600
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,711
It's when you sit your children down
and you explain to them
601
00:34:06,794 --> 00:34:08,504
how to respond respectfully
602
00:34:08,588 --> 00:34:10,465
when law enforcement pulls them over.
603
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,300
And see, I'm down for that.
604
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,635
And I think that's the responsible thing
to do as a parent.
605
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,846
You sit your children down,
you tell them to be respectful
606
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:18,389
to our law enforcement.
607
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,851
So, see, I tried
to have "the talk" with my kids...
608
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:23,311
And you know...
609
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:25,480
halfway through the talk
610
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:28,524
I sound like an old, scared slave
611
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,111
that didn't know he had his freedom.
612
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:35,114
I was talking to my kids, I was like,
"Baby, if the cops pull you over,
613
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,825
you hush your mouth,
and now don't you sass me, boy!
614
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,037
Don't you sass me now, boy!
615
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:43,956
The cops pull you over,
I want you to hold your head down
616
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:44,874
in humility.
617
00:34:44,957 --> 00:34:47,627
And you just rock back and forth, he goes,
'You know why I pulled you over?'
618
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:51,214
I want you to smile!
Show all 36 of your teeth.
619
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:56,177
He goes, 'You know why I pulled you over?'
Go, 'No, suh, but I sure do trust ya!'
620
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:01,015
And he goes, 'You wise-mouthing me?'
Go, 'No, suh, I'd never do such a thing,
621
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:01,933
Mr. Bossman.'
622
00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:04,977
Yeah, so you use all kinda surnames.
See, the white ego love that.
623
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,606
'No, suh, Mr. Bossman, master-man, suh,
I'd never do such a thing.'
624
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:10,858
Then he goes,
'You want me to read you your rights?'
625
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820
You best to stay humble.
You say, 'Yes, suh, please do.
626
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,572
Well, you know I can't read.'"
627
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:24,163
I get upset. You know why I get upset?
Because I get jealous.
628
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,749
I get jealous because I got white friends
629
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:29,043
and I've been pulled over
with my white friends
630
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,672
and what I've found
is that white people are not afraid
631
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:33,798
of the police.
632
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:35,508
Black people are.
633
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:37,135
'Cause when we got pulled over,
634
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:40,304
my white friend
cursed the fucking police out.
635
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:45,059
He cursed the police out so bad,
I thought he pulled the cop over.
636
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980
I swear to God,
he was going to write the cop a ticket.
637
00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:51,482
I was hiding in the glovebox, like,
"Nigga, he gonna get shot
638
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,775
sooner or later."
639
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:58,322
Because here's the talk
that white people have with their kids.
640
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:01,951
"If the cops pull you over,
I want you to say, 'Hey, bucko!
641
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:06,789
You better have a goddamn,
good reason why.'
642
00:36:07,790 --> 00:36:09,458
Yeah, if he starts
to mouth off to you, say,
643
00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,587
'Hey, hey! Hey, buddy.
You watch your freaking mouth.
644
00:36:12,670 --> 00:36:16,215
You watch your freaking mouth.
I pay my taxes.
645
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:19,594
Yeah, so that means you work for me.'
646
00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:22,305
Yeah, if he keeps it up and he reaches
for his pepper spray, you're like,
647
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:24,098
'I fucking dare ya. I fucking dare ya.
648
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,225
I double dog dare ya.
649
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:29,854
Go ahead. Spray me right
in my blue eye and make it red.
650
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:34,483
Yeah, 'cause I'll have my lawyer
so far up your asshole,
651
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:36,944
you'll need a goddamn gerbil
to get him out.'
652
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:43,201
Then, he says one more smart thing,
one more smart thing,
653
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:46,037
I want you to grab his pen and go,
'That's it!
654
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:49,290
I'm going to write a letter.
655
00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:54,253
'Dear Mr. President Trump...'"
656
00:36:56,505 --> 00:36:57,381
Fucking Trump.
657
00:36:57,465 --> 00:37:00,092
What an interesting year it has been,
huh, people?
658
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:04,513
"Dear white folks and Trump supporters,
please fasten your seat belt,
659
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,850
it's going to get a little turbulent
in here for about 5 minutes.
660
00:37:08,100 --> 00:37:11,562
So, strap it in and enjoy the ride.
We'll be out of here in no time."
661
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,521
Okay, Trump.
662
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,732
This is the craziest shit I've ever seen.
663
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:15,650
I...It's...
664
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:18,194
Maybe it's his reality show background.
665
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:19,278
But...
666
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,990
he's turned the White House
into a reality show.
667
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:27,703
I swear, I find myself watching politics
the way women watch reality shows.
668
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:30,122
I'm like, "Girl, did you see
what happened today?"
669
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,290
"No, what?"
670
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,334
"Girl, sit down.
671
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:37,797
Your boy Trump is tripping again."
672
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:38,923
"What happened?"
673
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:41,676
"Well, first of all,
he fired Sean Spicer."
674
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,761
"He fired Sean Spicer? Why?"
675
00:37:43,844 --> 00:37:44,971
"I don't know.
676
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,269
But he hired this cockeyed bitch,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
677
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,436
Let me tell you something,
678
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,356
that cockeyed bitch
don't be answering nobody questions.
679
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:59,318
Ooh, that cockeyed heifer got attitude.
She be like, 'What the fuck do you want?
680
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:00,903
Hurry the fuck up.
681
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:03,030
I got an eye doctor appointment.
682
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:04,824
I ain't got time for this shit.
683
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:08,244
You want a straight answer?
Give me a straight eye, motherfucker.'
684
00:38:09,829 --> 00:38:14,041
Girl, do you know the plot is thickening?
You see what's happening over in Russia?"
685
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:15,334
"I know."
686
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,502
"Girl, you know what that is?
687
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:20,673
I think Putin got pictures of Trump
doing some sexy shit
688
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,717
with some Russian prostitutes."
689
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,010
"Girl, why do you say that?"
690
00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:26,053
"Girl, watch the First Lady.
691
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:29,598
Every time Trump try to grab Melania hand,
692
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:30,891
what does she be doing?
693
00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,602
She be like, 'Get the fuck up...
Get the fuck up off me!
694
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,438
Get the fuck up off me!
695
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:38,691
You pussy-grabby motherfucker,
get the fuck up off me!
696
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:45,614
Go sleep your ass in the Oval Office.
697
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,992
You ain't getting no
First Lady Koochie tonight.'
698
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,120
"Girl, do you know he fired Comey?"
699
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,581
"The FBI director? Why?"
700
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:55,166
"I don't know.
701
00:38:56,751 --> 00:38:59,253
But they said some shit about collusion.
702
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,256
Now, see, I don't know
what the fuck that mean...
703
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:07,303
but it sounds shady as fuck to me."
704
00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:11,932
This is a historical time
in the history of our country,
705
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,184
a historical time.
706
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,645
'Cause this is the first time
I ever seen white people...
707
00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:19,648
embarrassed by another white person.
708
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,692
This shit is crazy!
709
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:26,822
'Cause the beauty of white people
is white people love white people.
710
00:39:26,906 --> 00:39:29,367
And they support each other,
no matter how talented
711
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:31,952
or untalented they are,
they have each other's back.
712
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,955
How the fuck you think Vanilla Ice
went multi-platinum?
713
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:38,918
But with Trump,
every time he says some stupid shit,
714
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,252
some embarrassing shit,
715
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:43,005
I see white people put their head
in their hand embarrassed,
716
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,840
like, "Jesus Christ...
717
00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,135
This nigga! Gosh!
718
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:52,848
God, I wish I was black today.
719
00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:56,727
I'll take the police beatings.
I'll take the debt.
720
00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:59,063
I'll take the half hour late
for everything.
721
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:02,525
I'll even take the ashy shit
that formulates right here.
722
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,697
I don't know what the fuck it is,
but when it gets 55 degrees and lower,
723
00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:10,950
they all get real ashy right here.
724
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:14,245
It looks like Spider-Man hit 'em
with a little web, like...
725
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:18,749
Just somebody shut him the fuck up."
726
00:40:20,918 --> 00:40:23,671
Every race has somebody
that we're embarrassed by, okay?
727
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:26,715
Every race.
That's what makes us all the same.
728
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,593
Every race got somebody
that we are embarrassed by.
729
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:34,640
So, yes, Donald Trump is embarrassing
to white people, okay?
730
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,475
So, Donald Trump...
731
00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:38,978
is the Flavor Flav...
732
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,568
of white people.
733
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:49,864
But I look at all that's going on today,
and you know what I say?
734
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,907
I say, "I am happy for Barack."
735
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:54,952
I am so happy for Barack, man.
That he's so...
736
00:40:55,077 --> 00:40:56,495
I'm so happy he's out of office.
737
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,706
He look happy. He looks so happy.
738
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:04,462
Because the presidency is stressful.
739
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:07,214
Remember when he first came into office?
He looked all young.
740
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,050
Looked good in a suit, right?
Had that black hair,
741
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:11,427
golden brown skin.
742
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,596
He looked like Denzel Washington.
743
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:18,142
8 years of fighting with Republicans,
he got all old and gray.
744
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:20,311
Fucking moles on his face.
745
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,647
By the end, that nigga looked
like Morgan Freeman.
746
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:36,952
By the end, Barack looked like he was,
so tired of taking the Republican shit.
747
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:39,205
Right? He was like,
"Fuck this bipartisan shit."
748
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,332
He looked like he just wanted
to curse motherfuckers out.
749
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:43,417
His last speech,
he looked like he just wanted to go,
750
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:49,089
"Fuck you. Suck my dick.
Lick ass, America. Barack is out, bitch!
751
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:59,475
You can take your flag
and shove it up your goddamn ass.
752
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:01,894
That's right. I set up my retirement.
753
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:04,980
I'm moving to Seattle,
where I legalized weed.
754
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,651
And guess what?
I'm going to smoke my lips black again.
755
00:42:08,734 --> 00:42:09,818
That's what I'm going to do.
756
00:42:11,862 --> 00:42:14,240
I'm dropping an album
with Jay-Z and Beyonce.
757
00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:17,743
It's called Head Niggas in Charge.
758
00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:22,164
I got my own clothing line, Barackawear.
759
00:42:23,457 --> 00:42:26,418
You can get it at Macy's,
right next to Sean John and Rocawear.
760
00:42:27,461 --> 00:42:30,297
Be sure to pick up my new cologne,
Potus Number 44.
761
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,009
Not to be confused with Number 45.
762
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:35,928
That shit stinks.
763
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:44,895
I just signed a lucrative deal
with Ciroc Liquor and Sean Diddy Combs.
764
00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:46,897
That's right, I'm a Ciroc boy.
765
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:51,068
So, come drink Ciroc
with your boy Barack."
766
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,203
You know, I was sitting there
watching Barack.
767
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:02,913
Man, that shit is stressful, man.
768
00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:05,499
That shit was stressful.
I mean, they fucking heckled him.
769
00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:07,042
They heckled the president.
770
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:08,419
You ain't got to like him,
771
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:09,920
but shit,
you should respect him,
772
00:43:10,004 --> 00:43:11,130
he's the president.
773
00:43:11,338 --> 00:43:14,842
And the man was giving a speech
about healthcare,
774
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,510
which is important to him.
775
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,637
Because he knew,
once his black ass was out of office,
776
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:20,514
he probably wasn't gonna have none.
777
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:22,808
And he was giving an impassioned speech,
778
00:43:22,891 --> 00:43:24,893
"We need healthcare for every American,
779
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,895
and we should be fastidious
with that healthcare."
780
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:29,440
And a Republican screamed out, "You lie!"
781
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:32,151
In the middle of his speech.
782
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:36,614
See, now, I know Barack Obama's
our first black president, right?
783
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,282
But if that was me...
784
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,118
and the motherfucker screamed out
in the middle of my speech.
785
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:46,707
See, that's when the world's going
to see the first nigga president.
786
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:50,002
I'd lose my fucking mind.
I'd be like, "We need healthcare
787
00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:51,920
for every American
and we should be fastidious with that..."
788
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:52,838
"You lie!"
789
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:57,593
"Who the fuck said that shit?
790
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,682
Who the fuck said that shit?
791
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:07,686
Hey, yo, Biden! Nigga, Biden, we got beef!
792
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:17,029
Hillary, get the fuck off me.
Hillary, get the fuck up off of me!
793
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:19,865
Nah, I ain't Bill. I don't play that shit.
794
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:22,618
Yo, Michelle. Handle that bitch.
795
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:26,163
I'm from Hawaii, motherfucker!
796
00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:29,667
What? I got nukes motherfucker!
797
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,254
Do we have a problem?
798
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:36,006
I said...
799
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:40,052
Do...we...have...a...problem?
800
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,057
See, I want to take this time
to explain to white people...
801
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:48,435
what Barack Obama meant to black people.
802
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,647
See, we didn't like Barack
because he was black.
803
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,774
Okay, maybe we did,
but that's not the point.
804
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:56,819
It was part of it, okay, but...
805
00:44:57,069 --> 00:45:01,407
We liked Barack because he was good
and he represented something for us.
806
00:45:01,532 --> 00:45:03,992
He symbolized something for black people.
807
00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:06,495
See, Barack Obama winning the presidency,
808
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:07,871
symbolized...
809
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:09,623
for black people...
810
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:14,878
the first time in the history
of us being in this country...
811
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,172
that we felt like we won.
812
00:45:17,923 --> 00:45:21,385
After all we've been through.
Segregation, civil rights, slavery.
813
00:45:23,637 --> 00:45:25,931
And Barack Obama winning the presidency,
814
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:29,309
was the first time we,
as black people,
815
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:31,353
felt like we won.
816
00:45:34,314 --> 00:45:36,358
See, that and the OJ trial.
But see, we...
817
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:37,276
we...
818
00:45:37,943 --> 00:45:40,863
we knew that nigga did it!
Oh, we knew that nigga did it!
819
00:45:40,946 --> 00:45:43,699
Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
820
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:47,286
He killed them poor white people.
I'm so fucking sorry!
821
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:48,871
He ain't shit!
822
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:51,749
He ain't shit. That motherfucker!
823
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:54,835
He killed them poor white...
He killed that little boy, too!
824
00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:56,044
He killed his ass!
825
00:45:56,211 --> 00:45:57,963
All that little boy wanted was some pussy!
826
00:45:58,046 --> 00:45:59,047
That's all.
827
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,225
We just wanted to win.
828
00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:13,353
We just wanted to win.
829
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:18,984
And when Barack won,
I cried, my kids cried, my momma cried.
830
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:22,112
Every black person cried
because you know what?
831
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:25,574
We felt like a bunch of slaves
on a plantation
832
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:28,118
that watched one brother get his freedom.
833
00:46:28,243 --> 00:46:30,954
We was like, "You better run, Barack!
834
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:35,167
You better run!"
835
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:40,297
♪ Whoa, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪
836
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:54,770
I need some water.
837
00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:58,690
Before I overheat like Wendy Williams.
838
00:47:13,205 --> 00:47:14,873
It looked like God was fucking with her.
839
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,125
Like,
"All them people you talk shit about.
840
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,754
I'm fucking with you now.
Sit yo' ass..."
841
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:31,682
You know what's crazy, man?
842
00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,017
Is, if I had one wish.
843
00:47:34,518 --> 00:47:36,812
I wish that we can erase hate.
844
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:39,857
Because hate...hate...
845
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:41,817
It's killing us as people.
846
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:47,656
How do you erase hate, man?
Because hate creates racism.
847
00:47:47,739 --> 00:47:49,908
Hate creates fear.
848
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:51,451
It creates prejudice.
849
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,497
And now it's going from racism
and it's transforming.
850
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:57,249
And now we have gaycism.
851
00:47:57,332 --> 00:48:00,961
We have people hating on people
because of their sexuality.
852
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:04,673
Come on, people. How small-hearted are we?
What the fuck is going on?
853
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,886
I don't think you judge a man
for his race, his creed, his color,
854
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,346
their religion,
their political background,
855
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:13,348
their financial status,
856
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:14,766
their sexuality,
857
00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:17,728
the diameter of their asshole,
who gives a fuck?
858
00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:22,107
Here's my take on gay people.
859
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,442
Let's keep it real.
860
00:48:23,817 --> 00:48:25,110
Do you!
861
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:27,946
Do you!
862
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:31,116
Just don't do me!
863
00:48:36,705 --> 00:48:38,874
You know what I think gay people need,
that really want they equality?
864
00:48:38,957 --> 00:48:40,459
That really want they civil rights?
865
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:43,378
I think they need
a gay civil rights leader.
866
00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:46,048
Yeah. They need,
like, a Martin Luther King...
867
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,216
but a gay one.
868
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,804
They need Martin Luther Queen.
869
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:58,685
You know, Martin Luther Queen come out.
He's a dignified brother, right?
870
00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,395
He got on a suit and tie.
871
00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:03,649
But he got this shit turned up right here,
like, "Hi...
872
00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,234
Hi..."
873
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:12,157
He got his own personalized microphone.
It got little balls on it.
874
00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:18,914
And he comes out and he does his version
of the famous "I had a dream" speech,
875
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:19,831
but the gay version.
876
00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:20,916
He's like...
877
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,844
"I...
878
00:49:32,928 --> 00:49:35,555
had a dream...
879
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:36,974
girl.
880
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:40,978
I had a dream...
881
00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:43,063
that one day, one day...
882
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,148
black boys...Hey...
883
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:50,445
Little white boys...
884
00:49:50,696 --> 00:49:53,824
I help you with the swirl. Hey...
885
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,868
Little Hispanic boys...
886
00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,204
Or as I like to call you, papitos.
887
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,207
Hey...
888
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:04,710
Hey, papitos.
889
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:12,843
I had a dream...
890
00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:16,847
that we could all sit
at a table as a group of brethren.
891
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,934
Just brethren. No fish allowed. Pew.
892
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:23,937
Pew.
893
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:31,445
I had a dream that we can have
the same marital rights as straights do.
894
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,781
Yes, that gays can get married. Hey...
895
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:37,242
Gays can get divorced. Ya...
896
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,454
And we can take half
of somebody else's shit
897
00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,664
that don't deserve it. Hey...
898
00:50:43,665 --> 00:50:45,751
Yas...
899
00:50:49,629 --> 00:50:51,757
I had a dream...
900
00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:56,970
that we could fight side by side
in the military...
901
00:50:57,929 --> 00:50:59,306
with our brothers
902
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:01,767
in the foxholes...
903
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:05,187
Way deep...
904
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:09,357
in them little foxholes.
905
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:14,654
We all nuzzled together
inside those little foxholes...
906
00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,952
'Scuse me.
This dream just got a little bit wet.
907
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,879
I had a dream...
908
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,134
I had a dream that we could change
our small-minded military slogan
909
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,345
from 'don't ask, don't tell,'
910
00:51:38,595 --> 00:51:41,264
but to, 'who cares,
mind your fucking business.'
911
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:46,353
So, let us all join hands,
you let us all join hands,
912
00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:47,813
and you let freedom ring.
913
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,358
You let freedom ring through the chilly,
gay streets of San Francisco.
914
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:53,151
You let freedom ring
915
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:55,821
through the dirty streets
of New York City,
916
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:58,740
filled with all them cute,
little Hispanic boys.
917
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:04,329
I see you, Jose and Juan,
and I raise you a Julio.
918
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:09,626
You let freedom ring,
you let freedom ring
919
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:12,921
through the segregated bathrooms
of North Carolina.
920
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:16,216
Who cares if you're transgender
or if you're a female,
921
00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:19,594
as long as you don't piss all
over the toilet seats.
922
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:22,848
And you wipe front to back.
923
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:27,435
Or is it back to front?
924
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:29,896
- Front to back?
- Yeah.
925
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:32,399
Front to back, yes.
The other way is a little bit messy.
926
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:38,071
You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring
927
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:41,867
through the dark closets
of Hollywood, California.
928
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:45,453
Those dark closets,
hiding all the scared, little boys
929
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:48,498
who's afraid to come out,
afraid to be bullied,
930
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:52,252
afraid to be judged,
afraid not to be accepted...
931
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:56,006
afraid to be touched by Kevin Spacey.
932
00:52:58,592 --> 00:52:59,593
Too soon?
933
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,889
That's what the little boy said.
934
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:11,563
And you let us all join hands
and let us all sing the old, gay anthem.
935
00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:14,858
Free that ass, free that ass,
936
00:53:14,941 --> 00:53:18,486
thank God all mighty,
we done freed that ass."
937
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:27,329
See, this shit that I'm preaching,
I'm not just preaching,
938
00:53:27,412 --> 00:53:28,455
I'm living.
939
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:30,457
And I'm trying to grow
and I'm trying to evolve.
940
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,710
And I'm trying and that shit is hard
for people to digest.
941
00:53:33,793 --> 00:53:36,004
Hard for any human being to digest.
942
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:40,550
But when it comes home to your house,
that's when shit changes, man.
943
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:41,635
See, me...
944
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:43,637
I'mma tell y'all a real story, okay?
945
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:44,679
Real story.
946
00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:47,807
My daughter came to me at 15 years old.
947
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:48,975
She's 17 now.
948
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:52,145
Wonderful girl. She comes to me,
she goes, "Dad...
949
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,898
I kissed a girl...
950
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:56,900
and I think I liked it."
951
00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,278
And I said, "Oh, shit, bitch.
That...What the..."
952
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,157
No, 'cause
that's my little nickname for her.
953
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,867
She little bitch. I'm a big bitch.
954
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:08,620
I got the little t-shirts,
"Big bitch, little bitch."
955
00:54:09,746 --> 00:54:11,957
But you know,
when she first hit me with the news,
956
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:13,541
I was like, "That's how you gonna
break the news to me?
957
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:15,210
You gonna tell me in the form of a song?
958
00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:17,337
♪ I kissed a girl
And I think I liked it? ♪
959
00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:18,797
Is that the new shit kids are doing?
960
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:20,090
"Hey, Dad, I'm fucking up at school."
961
00:54:20,173 --> 00:54:21,007
"What happened?"
962
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:23,218
♪ I fucked up the commas
I fucked up the commas, yeah ♪
963
00:54:25,136 --> 00:54:27,138
So I said, you know, I said,
"Okay, baby girl."
964
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:30,934
I said, "Well, you know,
this is your first sexual experience.
965
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:31,893
Right?
966
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:33,979
Hey, nigga, right?"
967
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,732
She said, "Umm...yeah.
It's my first sexual...
968
00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:41,695
I said, "Man, that sounds shady
as fuck to me."
969
00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:45,865
I said, "Listen, baby girl."
I said, "You're 15 years old.
970
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:50,578
You are entitled to experience things
and find your way.
971
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,747
You know, you're a young kid and,
you know, who knows,
972
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,457
when you go to college,
you know, you may feel differently."
973
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,501
And she stopped me. She said, "Dad...
974
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:59,004
but what if I'm gay?"
975
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:01,923
And I said...
976
00:55:04,342 --> 00:55:05,844
"Well, baby girl," I said...
977
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:08,930
"If you are gay,
978
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:12,183
and this is the life that you chose,
979
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:15,270
or better yet, the life that chose you.
980
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,274
Understand, you got
a tough road ahead of you.
981
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,860
See, the world...
982
00:55:23,194 --> 00:55:24,195
may judge you.
983
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:26,406
Some people will...
984
00:55:27,365 --> 00:55:28,491
outcast you.
985
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:30,910
Some people gonna look at you funny.
986
00:55:31,369 --> 00:55:33,621
Others will never accept you.
987
00:55:34,539 --> 00:55:37,000
You are a quadruple minority.
988
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:41,046
You are a female, gay, black Wayans.
989
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:45,550
That's a tough, fucking life."
990
00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:47,135
But I said,
991
00:55:47,510 --> 00:55:49,929
"That's out there.
They're going to judge you.
992
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:53,767
But, baby girl,
when you walk into this home."
993
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,144
I said, "You're gonna get nothing
but love,
994
00:55:56,936 --> 00:55:57,771
respect,
995
00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:01,024
and unconditional embraces
from me 'cause I love you."
996
00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:09,199
But you got to try a dick, right?
997
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:12,494
You got to...
998
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:14,829
You got to try a dick, right?
999
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,124
Just a, you know, one dick.
Like, you know, just accidentally,
1000
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:19,042
like fall...
1001
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:22,253
Or just let a dick hit you in the head.
1002
00:56:23,004 --> 00:56:26,257
Look, girl, you got to try the dick,
you know?
1003
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:29,260
Like, not right now
'cause you're only 15 years old,
1004
00:56:29,344 --> 00:56:31,805
but when you get,
like 17, 18...Prom night.
1005
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:33,181
Try a dick!
1006
00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:37,977
And don't try a 17-year-old dick
'cause that's going to be quick and bad
1007
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:40,188
and you may be like,
"Fuck him. Bitches for life."
1008
00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:44,734
Go get you a nice, seasoned dick.
1009
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:48,363
You know? Go get you a nice,
22-year-old grad school dick.
1010
00:56:48,446 --> 00:56:50,323
You know what I mean?
Somebody that had a couple
1011
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,950
of ill-advised pregnancies,
1012
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:53,535
so his pull out game is good.
1013
00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:55,537
Keeps some Plan B in his pocket.
1014
00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:57,997
You know? Probably had a couple
of diseases already.
1015
00:56:58,081 --> 00:56:59,332
You know, it was cleared up,
1016
00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:01,126
but he's still got the bottle
of penicillin
1017
00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:03,711
'cause who ever finishes
all the penicillin, right?
1018
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:06,923
But you got to try a dick,
and don't get no little,
1019
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,884
stabby dick that feel
like a number two pencil you fucking.
1020
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,761
And don't get no super, girthy dick
1021
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,431
that look like
a goddamn Loch Ness Monster,
1022
00:57:14,514 --> 00:57:16,391
that be breathing on its own.
1023
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:19,269
It's so big,
it feels like you're giving labor pains.
1024
00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:22,439
Every time you having sex with it,
it feels like you need an episiotomy
1025
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,899
and an epidural
in order to enjoy the shit.
1026
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:28,570
And don't get no little, weird,
uncircumcised dick. Don't get no...
1027
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:35,368
One of them dick
that look like an anteater
1028
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,203
or a Mr. Snuffleupagus.
1029
00:57:37,912 --> 00:57:42,208
And when you pull the skin back,
its all full of lint and cheese.
1030
00:57:44,043 --> 00:57:45,420
And it smell funny.
1031
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:49,340
Like an old gym sock that's been left
in a locker room for two or three days.
1032
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,176
And when you taste it,
it tastes bad,
1033
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:53,178
like a bad shot of tequila.
1034
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:55,597
You need some salt and a lime,
1035
00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:58,641
in order to get the fucking,
nasty-ass taste out your mouth.
1036
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:00,393
You got to try a dick.
1037
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,691
And I'mma tell you something,
when my daughter...
1038
00:58:06,774 --> 00:58:08,318
My daughter dated this girl,
1039
00:58:08,818 --> 00:58:11,404
and she wound up getting
a little heartbroken.
1040
00:58:12,030 --> 00:58:12,864
And...
1041
00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:15,658
it was hard because, you know,
this was a little white girl, too,
1042
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,827
so she gave me a two for one, right?
1043
00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:22,499
But when your child is crying
on your shoulder
1044
00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:25,668
about some real tears,
about shit that's going on in her life.
1045
00:58:25,835 --> 00:58:29,464
It's not on me to judge her,
it's on me to love her.
1046
00:58:29,547 --> 00:58:33,468
So, I grabbed my baby, and I hugged her,
and let her know it was going to be okay.
1047
00:58:33,551 --> 00:58:35,970
And she was crying and snotting
on my brand new Gucci shirt,
1048
00:58:36,054 --> 00:58:38,056
I was mad about that,
but I was like fuck it.
1049
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:40,683
I tried to console her
the best way I knew how.
1050
00:58:41,309 --> 00:58:44,395
You know, through the form of a song.
I said, "Hey, baby girl, you know...
1051
00:58:45,730 --> 00:58:47,941
♪ Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks♪
1052
00:58:52,820 --> 00:58:54,072
But my son, right?
1053
00:58:54,155 --> 00:58:56,783
My son's getting older, man.
And he's so handsome.
1054
00:58:56,866 --> 00:58:59,827
You ever look at your kid, like,
"Nigga, look at how beautiful you are.
1055
00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,580
Look at my sperm.
Look at how beautiful you are."
1056
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,750
I look at him, I shook my head,
I was like, "Nigga...you 15..."
1057
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:07,794
I looked at him,
"Listen, man, you gonna get so much pussy
1058
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:09,045
when you get older."
1059
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,757
And I looked over at my daughter, I said,
"Don't worry, baby girl, you, too."
1060
00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:18,388
I know he's getting bigger, man,
you know, 'cause he keep coming up to me,
1061
00:59:18,471 --> 00:59:22,767
you know, and seeing how tall he is on me.
He be measuring, like, "Hey, Dad, look.
1062
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:23,977
I'm almost your height."
1063
00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,771
I'll be looking at him, like,
"Nigga, I'll fuck you up."
1064
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,858
No, no, no. See, 'cause little boys,
they wanna test they daddies.
1065
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,444
See, that's the threshold
for a boy into his manhood.
1066
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,488
It's: can I whoop my daddy's ass?
1067
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:36,864
That makes you a man.
1068
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,449
See, but I'm prepared for that shit.
1069
00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:41,119
That's why I never sent his ass to karate.
1070
00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:44,789
But see, little boys are going
to test they father.
1071
00:59:44,872 --> 00:59:48,042
And as a dad, all you want
to see is your child be great.
1072
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:52,463
That's all you want,
to see your child be their greatest them.
1073
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,758
And so my son, he was playing basketball,
and he's a great basketball player.
1074
00:59:55,842 --> 01:00:00,597
Yeah, he's so good.
And he was playing not so good one game.
1075
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:03,141
And as a sports fan,
I did what I normally do
1076
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:04,559
to a team that's sucking.
1077
01:00:04,642 --> 01:00:05,893
I heckled his ass.
1078
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:07,312
"Hey, nigga, you suck!"
1079
01:00:07,395 --> 01:00:09,647
I'm like, "Hey, hey. What you doing?"
1080
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:12,900
He goes, "Dad, listen,
I can't play great every night."
1081
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:15,820
I said, "Motherfucker,"
1082
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,406
That's my little nickname for him.
1083
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,783
He little motherfucker,
I'm big motherfucker.
1084
01:00:20,867 --> 01:00:23,536
I got t-shirts,
"Big motherfucker, little motherfucker."
1085
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:24,621
And, so my son...
1086
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,331
I said,
"You can't play great every night?"
1087
01:00:26,414 --> 01:00:30,418
I said, "Boy, if I didn't play great
every night, you wouldn't have food,
1088
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:33,046
and nutrition in your stomach
to be able to run up
1089
01:00:33,129 --> 01:00:35,548
and down this goddamn basketball court.
1090
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:38,301
If I didn't play great every night,
you wouldn't have no goddamn,
1091
01:00:38,384 --> 01:00:39,636
good sneakers on your feet
1092
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:40,803
that make this noise,
1093
01:00:42,972 --> 01:00:46,768
so that you can play some damn defense,
of which your ass ain't playing."
1094
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:51,147
He goes, "But, Dad, come on,
this is basketball. It ain't work."
1095
01:00:51,230 --> 01:00:54,817
I said, "Motherfucker, life is work."
1096
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:57,737
I said, "I've been working
since I was six years old, man.
1097
01:00:57,820 --> 01:00:59,280
What do you think I'm doing
out here on the road?
1098
01:00:59,364 --> 01:01:04,327
I write, I produce, I act, I do movies,
I do TV, I do standup."
1099
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:07,413
I said, "If I was a slave,
they'd give me a fucking raise.
1100
01:01:08,706 --> 01:01:10,583
So, don't give me that,
'Dad, it's not work.'
1101
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:11,834
No, work starts now.
1102
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:14,003
You are a young man. Learn to work.
1103
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,673
And let me tell you something, boy.
You got two jobs.
1104
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,216
You got two jobs.
1105
01:01:18,299 --> 01:01:19,217
You got...
1106
01:01:19,509 --> 01:01:20,426
school.
1107
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:22,053
And you got basketball.
1108
01:01:22,804 --> 01:01:24,138
Well, let me tell you something,
motherfucker,
1109
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:25,890
you fucking up in school.
1110
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:30,645
So, the least your stupid ass can do
is go out there
1111
01:01:30,728 --> 01:01:32,480
and play some goddamn basketball."
1112
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:36,734
And my son got up all tough, like,
1113
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:37,652
"I said."
1114
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,407
He looked at me, he walked away,
balled his fists.
1115
01:01:42,490 --> 01:01:43,908
I said, "What, Shawn?"
I said, "What?"
1116
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:45,660
I said, "What, Shawn?
You wanna curse at me?
1117
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:46,828
He said...
1118
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:49,539
I said, "You wanna curse at me?
I'll tell you what.
1119
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:52,041
You go out there and you score 40 points.
1120
01:01:52,125 --> 01:01:54,252
You can come back here,
you can look me in my face and go,
1121
01:01:54,335 --> 01:01:56,129
'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1122
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:58,965
I ain't talking about no little,
soft 'fuck you.'
1123
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:00,717
I want you to look me in my eyes,
1124
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,636
I want that Daffy Duck,
'you're despicable' spit
1125
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:05,138
all over my face.
1126
01:02:05,221 --> 01:02:07,098
I want your bottom lip
to hit your chest
1127
01:02:07,181 --> 01:02:09,726
when you go, 'Hey, Dad, fuck you!'
1128
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:11,644
He said, "A'ight."
1129
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:12,562
I said, "Yeah, a'ight."
1130
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:13,521
He said, "A'ight."
1131
01:02:13,604 --> 01:02:14,856
I said, "Yeah, nigga, a'ight."
1132
01:02:17,734 --> 01:02:22,113
Do you know that in a matter
of 14 minutes and 58 seconds,
1133
01:02:22,196 --> 01:02:25,491
this boy went out there
and scored 38 points?
1134
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:28,327
I have never seen no shit like this.
1135
01:02:29,078 --> 01:02:31,956
He played so good, I was like,
I want a DNA test.
1136
01:02:32,415 --> 01:02:34,751
Steph Curry come get your fucking baby.
1137
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:37,128
He played amazing.
1138
01:02:37,211 --> 01:02:39,380
And he gets fouled.
He brought his team back
1139
01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:41,215
from a 30 point deficit.
1140
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:42,592
He gets fouled.
1141
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:44,635
There's two seconds left on the clock.
1142
01:02:44,719 --> 01:02:45,928
He goes to the line.
1143
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:47,764
He has 38 points.
1144
01:02:52,518 --> 01:02:53,478
39.
1145
01:02:55,354 --> 01:02:56,272
They're down one.
1146
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:00,610
He looks at me.
1147
01:03:10,244 --> 01:03:12,747
He closes his eyes,
little, cocky motherfucker.
1148
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:16,834
The perfect precision.
1149
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:37,897
He misses the shot.
1150
01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,066
Clock goes off.
1151
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:44,028
They lose by one. I am so happy.
1152
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:49,992
I'm not happy because he missed the shot.
1153
01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,621
I was happy, man, because as a father,
1154
01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:56,582
that I seen the greatness in my child.
1155
01:03:57,333 --> 01:04:00,461
That I seen the great
that I knew he could be since birth.
1156
01:04:00,545 --> 01:04:02,463
That we're raising kings and queens,
1157
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:04,882
and they're better than us.
They love harder, they live harder,
1158
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:06,676
they're better than us.
1159
01:04:06,759 --> 01:04:08,678
And you know something beautiful y'all?
1160
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:13,266
That my kids have never
been called a nigger in their life.
1161
01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,479
Except for by me,
but see I got a nigga pass,
1162
01:04:18,563 --> 01:04:20,064
I can do that type of shit.
1163
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,901
And so my son, I was so proud.
I went over to him...
1164
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:25,695
And I just couldn't hold back
my excitement.
1165
01:04:25,778 --> 01:04:27,905
I said, "See, now
that's how you 'posed to shoot.
1166
01:04:27,989 --> 01:04:29,740
I felt like Will Smith in Bad Boys.
1167
01:04:29,824 --> 01:04:32,326
I was like,
"That's how you 'posed to shoot!
1168
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:34,620
That's how you 'posed to shoot!"
1169
01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:37,665
But I said, "Son,
why didn't you score 40?"
1170
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,417
He looked at me, said...
1171
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:45,381
"Because I didn't want
to say 'fuck you' to you, Dad."
1172
01:04:49,218 --> 01:04:51,637
I said, "You stupid motherfucker.
1173
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,556
You lost the goddamn game."
1174
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:55,349
I love y'all! Thank y'all so much!
1174
01:04:56,305 --> 01:05:02,522
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