All language subtitles for Marlon 2x04 - Divorce Counseling (English)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:05,003 What's up, party people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way." 2 00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:06,683 You know what doesn't make sense to me? 3 00:00:06,684 --> 00:00:08,985 Couples counseling. It don't work. 4 00:00:08,986 --> 00:00:10,320 See, women like it because 5 00:00:10,321 --> 00:00:11,954 if they have a problem with they man, 6 00:00:11,955 --> 00:00:14,490 they get to let out all they feelings 7 00:00:14,491 --> 00:00:17,060 to a total stranger and pay him a grip of money 8 00:00:17,061 --> 00:00:18,628 for some psychobabble. 9 00:00:18,629 --> 00:00:19,996 See, men, we ain't like that. 10 00:00:19,997 --> 00:00:21,264 If we got a problem with our woman, 11 00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:23,066 all we do is go to the barbershop, 12 00:00:23,067 --> 00:00:26,169 drop $20 on a dope-ass fade and some sound advice. 13 00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:29,138 Yeah, dawg. She's trippin'. 14 00:00:29,139 --> 00:00:30,740 All right, hold your head still, boy. 15 00:00:30,741 --> 00:00:31,741 Do a cheek out. 16 00:00:31,742 --> 00:00:34,210 All right. Next. 17 00:00:39,883 --> 00:00:44,519 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 18 00:00:48,208 --> 00:00:51,677 Ashley, are we gonna eat these tacos any time soon? 19 00:00:51,678 --> 00:00:54,458 Or should I just fill up on wine? 20 00:00:54,459 --> 00:00:57,613 We're waiting on Daddy, as usual. 21 00:00:57,614 --> 00:00:59,683 That's why I keep a Snicker bar on deck. 22 00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:01,684 Well, I did send him a text 23 00:01:01,685 --> 00:01:03,617 and tell him that dinner was an hour earlier, 24 00:01:03,618 --> 00:01:05,178 but he must have caught on. 25 00:01:05,179 --> 00:01:07,688 He's smarter than you think. 26 00:01:07,689 --> 00:01:09,486 He'd have to be. 27 00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:10,809 Kids, why don't you go upstairs 28 00:01:10,810 --> 00:01:12,030 and get ready for dinner, please? 29 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,217 Okay. 30 00:01:13,218 --> 00:01:15,116 Why did we divorce Marlon 31 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,864 if we still have to put up with his obnoxious ass? 32 00:01:17,865 --> 00:01:20,340 He's not always obnoxious. 33 00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:23,221 �Qu� pasa, mi amigos? 34 00:01:25,768 --> 00:01:26,819 Are you ready 35 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,716 for family taco night? 36 00:01:30,754 --> 00:01:33,197 Did you bring the taco shells? 37 00:01:33,198 --> 00:01:36,148 No hablo ingl�s. 38 00:01:36,149 --> 00:01:37,844 Yvette, can you get the bread? 39 00:01:37,845 --> 00:01:41,779 Looks like we're having "Sloppy Jos�s" again. 40 00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:43,033 It'd be more accurate 41 00:01:43,034 --> 00:01:46,324 to call a Mexican sandwich a "torta." 42 00:01:46,325 --> 00:01:48,969 But I get it. We're having fun. 43 00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:52,735 You need a job. You got way too many fun facts. 44 00:01:52,736 --> 00:01:55,008 This fool's an hour late and forgets to bring 45 00:01:55,009 --> 00:01:57,145 the one thing that makes a taco a taco. 46 00:01:57,146 --> 00:02:00,163 Turned my damn dinner into an after-school snack. 47 00:02:00,164 --> 00:02:02,878 Well, you know you don't live here, right? 48 00:02:02,879 --> 00:02:04,234 Neither do you. 49 00:02:04,235 --> 00:02:06,066 That's what I've been trying to tell her. 50 00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,966 Girl, you're lonelier than the first black Barbie. 51 00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:10,408 - Get your behind over... - Okay, okay! 52 00:02:10,409 --> 00:02:12,511 All right, you two. All right. 53 00:02:12,512 --> 00:02:14,851 Marlon, did you at least get my texts 54 00:02:14,852 --> 00:02:16,785 about signing Zack up for basketball camp? 55 00:02:16,786 --> 00:02:18,244 Well, when I got your first text 56 00:02:18,245 --> 00:02:20,449 trying to trick me about what time dinner was... 57 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,858 I immediately assumed 58 00:02:24,859 --> 00:02:28,692 the next 15 texts was full of lies and deceit. 59 00:02:28,693 --> 00:02:31,710 Well, Marlon, remember, those camps fill up fast. 60 00:02:31,711 --> 00:02:33,034 Last year, you waited too long 61 00:02:33,035 --> 00:02:35,238 and Zack wound up at magic camp. 62 00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,002 Yes, but it was a very progressive step 63 00:02:37,003 --> 00:02:40,191 in the whole black magic movement. 64 00:02:40,192 --> 00:02:43,379 You see, sister, we opening doors. 65 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:46,534 Trapdoors. 66 00:02:46,535 --> 00:02:49,519 Yeah, we're having fun. 67 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,572 All right, fine, Marlon. I'll take care of it. 68 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:53,928 See, Ashley, there you go 69 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:55,387 letting him get away with murder 70 00:02:55,388 --> 00:02:56,914 like you used to. 71 00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,643 I know you ain't talking 72 00:02:58,644 --> 00:03:02,985 with your old Snapchat-filter face. 73 00:03:02,986 --> 00:03:04,580 And if I could get away with murder, 74 00:03:04,581 --> 00:03:07,667 I would kill that thing on top of your head. 75 00:03:07,668 --> 00:03:08,956 You know, Ashley, I'd offer to help, 76 00:03:08,957 --> 00:03:11,262 but these days... I got my hands full. 77 00:03:11,263 --> 00:03:13,908 Yep, ole schedule's pretty packed. 78 00:03:13,909 --> 00:03:16,927 Biz-ee. 79 00:03:16,928 --> 00:03:18,488 Okay, Stevie, is there something 80 00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:22,355 that you would like to get off your underdeveloped chest? 81 00:03:22,356 --> 00:03:23,915 Well, if you must know, 82 00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:26,595 I started moonlighting as a massage therapist. 83 00:03:26,596 --> 00:03:27,680 "Moonlighting"? 84 00:03:27,681 --> 00:03:28,935 How you gonna moonlight 85 00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:31,276 when you ain't got a job in the daylight? 86 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,277 I can give a massage any time of day 87 00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:36,127 via Rub-A-Dub-Dub. It's like Uber for massages, 88 00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:39,824 without all that pesky legitimacy. 89 00:03:39,825 --> 00:03:42,538 No one's interested in you rubbing your stubby nubs 90 00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:44,370 all over them. 91 00:03:44,371 --> 00:03:46,438 Oh! 92 00:03:46,439 --> 00:03:49,831 A little lower, Stubby. Mm. 93 00:03:49,832 --> 00:03:52,646 All I'm saying is, it seems like you two have fallen 94 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:55,122 into the same pattern as your marriage. 95 00:03:55,123 --> 00:03:57,293 And that's an observation from an impartial third party 96 00:03:57,294 --> 00:03:59,871 who hates Marlon. 97 00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:01,873 "An impartial third party" 98 00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:05,228 whose life partner runs on AAA batteries... 99 00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:09,471 And speaks the language of... 100 00:04:09,472 --> 00:04:11,235 - Come on. - Wait, no! 101 00:04:11,236 --> 00:04:13,202 - Listen, stop. - Not today, Marlon. 102 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:14,559 - Stop it! - What you gonna do? 103 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:15,916 Both of you stop! Stop. 104 00:04:15,917 --> 00:04:17,985 Okay. Yvette. 105 00:04:17,986 --> 00:04:20,224 Marlon and I are fine, okay? 106 00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:22,971 I allow him to be late and a jackass, 107 00:04:22,972 --> 00:04:24,702 and he helps me out in a lot of ways. 108 00:04:24,703 --> 00:04:26,194 Preach! 109 00:04:26,195 --> 00:04:28,704 The other day, he killed a spider in my shower. 110 00:04:28,705 --> 00:04:32,638 - Chee-urch! - And he gets my car detailed. 111 00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,708 ? You name it ? 112 00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,744 And last week, I didn't have enough time 113 00:04:36,745 --> 00:04:39,152 to the post office, so I gave Marlon 114 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:42,578 a very important stack of mail, and he mailed it for me. 115 00:04:42,579 --> 00:04:44,339 ? Oh, Lord ? 116 00:04:47,090 --> 00:04:51,262 - Marlon? - Yes, sister? 117 00:04:51,263 --> 00:04:54,280 You did remember to send that stuff off for me? 118 00:04:54,281 --> 00:04:56,384 'Cause there were very important things in that stack, 119 00:04:56,385 --> 00:04:58,724 like my health insurance payment, the kids' tuition, 120 00:04:58,725 --> 00:04:59,878 the power bill. 121 00:04:59,879 --> 00:05:01,065 Come on, Ash. 122 00:05:01,066 --> 00:05:03,439 It's... it's... it's me. 123 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,268 Come on, you can... 124 00:05:08,630 --> 00:05:12,528 I think the Lord is sending us signals. 125 00:05:18,742 --> 00:05:22,144 Baby girl, I been watching the same show for years. 126 00:05:22,145 --> 00:05:24,790 Marlon acts like Marlon until you get mad, 127 00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,859 he smoothes you over with an expensive gift, 128 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,403 and the whole thing starts all over again. 129 00:05:29,404 --> 00:05:31,777 Y'all need a therapist. 130 00:05:31,778 --> 00:05:34,939 Ash. My Ash. 131 00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:37,617 You know, when I left yesterday, 132 00:05:37,618 --> 00:05:39,857 I felt so bad after subjecting you 133 00:05:39,858 --> 00:05:41,892 to Sloppy Jos�s by the candlelight. 134 00:05:41,893 --> 00:05:45,046 And even though it was a really chill vibe, 135 00:05:45,047 --> 00:05:46,674 I still wanna own up to my mistakes, 136 00:05:46,675 --> 00:05:49,354 so I got you a little something. 137 00:05:49,355 --> 00:05:51,898 Booyah. 138 00:05:51,899 --> 00:05:53,629 Well, Ashley, 139 00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:55,291 I guess he's real sorry, 140 00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:57,122 as he just smoothed over his behavior 141 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,700 with an expensive gift. 142 00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:02,176 Yvette, hey, good lookin' out! 143 00:06:02,177 --> 00:06:03,770 Man, you know, I thought for sure 144 00:06:03,771 --> 00:06:05,806 I was gonna have to hit you with a troll comment. 145 00:06:05,807 --> 00:06:07,842 Marlon, Yvette's right. 146 00:06:07,843 --> 00:06:10,711 I mean, we are falling into the same cycle 147 00:06:10,712 --> 00:06:11,879 that ended our marriage. 148 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,747 We need couples counseling. 149 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,484 Damn you, troll. 150 00:06:16,485 --> 00:06:18,819 No, Marlon, I think this'll be good for us. 151 00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:20,988 If we want our cool divorce to last, 152 00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:22,723 - then we gotta work on it. - Ashley, 153 00:06:22,724 --> 00:06:25,025 black people don't go to couples counseling. 154 00:06:25,026 --> 00:06:28,496 Listen, Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv didn't go... 155 00:06:28,497 --> 00:06:30,664 the first one or the second one. 156 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,668 Cliff and Clair didn't go... 157 00:06:34,669 --> 00:06:36,737 although, maybe they should have. 158 00:06:36,738 --> 00:06:39,340 And I'm telling you, Barack and Michelle didn't go, 159 00:06:39,341 --> 00:06:41,108 and I know after he took that selfie 160 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,376 with the South African lady, 161 00:06:42,377 --> 00:06:44,510 she keyed "Air Force One" at least once. 162 00:06:46,247 --> 00:06:49,048 Y'all need to see my girl Kamala Shabazz. 163 00:06:49,049 --> 00:06:50,984 She's a relationship expert. 164 00:06:50,985 --> 00:06:52,418 Oh, she's the one 165 00:06:52,419 --> 00:06:54,053 that's on Oprah's "SuperSoul Sunday." 166 00:06:54,054 --> 00:06:55,088 Yup. You know, 167 00:06:55,089 --> 00:06:56,422 I'm gonna give her a call 168 00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:57,924 so you two can work out all your issues. 169 00:06:57,925 --> 00:07:01,027 "Issues"? We only got one issue, 170 00:07:01,028 --> 00:07:04,097 and, uh, it's you! 171 00:07:04,098 --> 00:07:06,099 Marlon! I'm serious. 172 00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:07,667 I begged you to go when we were married 173 00:07:07,668 --> 00:07:10,069 and you refused, and you see how that ended up. 174 00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,604 We gonna go see someone. 175 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,206 Ash, you should know me by now. 176 00:07:13,207 --> 00:07:14,574 Nobody runs me but me. 177 00:07:14,575 --> 00:07:16,576 I'm not going to no couples therapy. 178 00:07:16,577 --> 00:07:21,381 And on this, I will not be swayed. 179 00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:25,919 So, what brings you in to see Dr. Shabazz? 180 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,589 For the last year, we've had an amazing divorce, 181 00:07:29,590 --> 00:07:31,224 but lately, 182 00:07:31,225 --> 00:07:34,227 I feel like we're sliding back into old habits. 183 00:07:34,228 --> 00:07:36,296 I'm here because... 184 00:07:36,297 --> 00:07:38,264 I don't wanna end up in that place again. 185 00:07:38,265 --> 00:07:42,936 Stand in your light, daughter! 186 00:07:42,937 --> 00:07:45,271 Marlon, why are you here? 187 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,575 She's trippin'. 188 00:07:52,846 --> 00:07:55,381 Stand in my light now. 189 00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:07,427 You care to explain this? 190 00:08:07,428 --> 00:08:11,297 You tried to dab and got stuck? 191 00:08:11,298 --> 00:08:14,968 "Oh no!" 192 00:08:14,969 --> 00:08:17,837 No, Rub-A-Dub-dummy. 193 00:08:17,838 --> 00:08:20,840 You better fix this! 194 00:08:20,841 --> 00:08:23,776 Listening is an art 195 00:08:23,777 --> 00:08:27,814 that requires patience and practice. 196 00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:29,816 "Power of the Pen!" 197 00:08:29,817 --> 00:08:33,987 Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2012. 198 00:08:33,988 --> 00:08:35,989 Whoever holds the pen 199 00:08:35,990 --> 00:08:37,990 shall speak their grievances. 200 00:08:39,627 --> 00:08:43,029 Well, I've always found it frustrating 201 00:08:43,030 --> 00:08:44,364 to communicate with Marlon, 202 00:08:44,365 --> 00:08:46,332 because whenever I try, he scoffs. 203 00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:48,534 Marlon, listen. 204 00:08:48,535 --> 00:08:50,003 I am. I can 205 00:08:50,004 --> 00:08:53,406 and listen at the same time. 206 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:55,441 Toward the end of our marriage, 207 00:08:55,442 --> 00:08:59,212 I just felt like Marlon did his thing his way. 208 00:08:59,213 --> 00:09:00,947 Mm-hmm. 209 00:09:00,948 --> 00:09:02,215 For example, 210 00:09:02,216 --> 00:09:04,384 I asked him to get some flip-flops 211 00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:05,818 - for Zack for the beach... - Oh, oh, really? 212 00:09:05,819 --> 00:09:07,453 - But he refused because... - Yeah, okay. 213 00:09:07,454 --> 00:09:09,689 Because they are corny as hell. 214 00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:12,225 Ain't no self-respecting black boy put his foot in 215 00:09:12,226 --> 00:09:13,726 no damn open-toed shoes. 216 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,295 What the hell is he? Jesus? 217 00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,729 - Reclaiming my time... - You can reclaim 218 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,598 - want you want... - Reclaiming my time. 219 00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:20,033 - My Uncle Ray Ray had a pair... - Reclaiming my time. 220 00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,834 - Of open-toed shoes... - Reclaiming my time. 221 00:09:21,835 --> 00:09:23,569 - Busted his foot on a can... - Reclaiming my time. 222 00:09:23,570 --> 00:09:25,138 - He got a zombie toe now. - Reclaiming my time. 223 00:09:25,139 --> 00:09:26,739 - Look like an old, dead... - Reclaiming my time! 224 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,975 - Or the last sunflower seed! - Reclaim... 225 00:09:34,214 --> 00:09:36,382 Yasss, queen? 226 00:09:36,383 --> 00:09:39,352 Andre, clear the rest of my day. 227 00:09:39,353 --> 00:09:42,854 We gonna be here for a while. 228 00:09:50,651 --> 00:09:53,618 Exercises like "The Power of the Pen" 229 00:09:53,619 --> 00:09:58,409 only work when people follow the rules. 230 00:09:58,410 --> 00:10:01,434 Look her, Dr. Shazz-bot. 231 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,099 Real talk... 232 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,410 people trying to make me play these janky-ass games 233 00:10:05,411 --> 00:10:06,767 ain't gonna work with me. 234 00:10:06,768 --> 00:10:08,636 I mean, it's just not how I roll. 235 00:10:08,637 --> 00:10:11,287 Ashley, you should know this by now. 236 00:10:11,288 --> 00:10:14,991 So you're saying that Ashley doesn't see you? 237 00:10:14,992 --> 00:10:18,083 I ain't saying nothing. 238 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,462 Well, then let me say a little something. 239 00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:23,146 "Other People's Shoes"! 240 00:10:23,147 --> 00:10:27,903 Trademark Shabazz Enterprises, 2009. 241 00:10:27,904 --> 00:10:30,316 Now, this is a role-playing exercise. 242 00:10:30,317 --> 00:10:33,747 If you can see yourself through your partner's eyes, 243 00:10:33,748 --> 00:10:35,311 you might learn something. 244 00:10:35,312 --> 00:10:40,646 Ashley, you'll be Marlon. Marlon, you'll be Ashley. 245 00:10:40,647 --> 00:10:42,003 Begin. 246 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,952 Yo, what's up? I'm Marlon, 247 00:10:47,953 --> 00:10:51,010 and I know I'm mad late, but I'll make up for it 248 00:10:51,011 --> 00:10:52,709 on the back end, as I tend to... 249 00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:55,835 overstay my welcome. 250 00:10:55,836 --> 00:10:58,315 I do do that. 251 00:10:58,316 --> 00:11:01,136 That was pretty good. 252 00:11:01,137 --> 00:11:04,703 And divorce should've been a wake-up call for me, 253 00:11:04,704 --> 00:11:06,335 but I haven't changed at all. 254 00:11:06,336 --> 00:11:10,651 I still drop over her house, leave her my laundry. 255 00:11:10,652 --> 00:11:13,231 And stank up her bathroom. 256 00:11:14,695 --> 00:11:17,345 A'ight, my turn? Okay. 257 00:11:17,346 --> 00:11:21,388 Hi, I'm Ashley, and I'm a black white girl, 258 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:22,985 which means I'm super articulate 259 00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:26,146 and I love to curse people out. 260 00:11:26,147 --> 00:11:29,237 And I still complain about all the things that you are 261 00:11:29,238 --> 00:11:33,927 that I knew you were before I even married you. 262 00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:36,543 Oh, my God. 263 00:11:36,544 --> 00:11:37,733 He's right. 264 00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:39,228 Thank you. Game over. 265 00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:42,762 I won therapy. Whoo-hoo. 266 00:11:42,763 --> 00:11:45,581 I enable all of his behavior. 267 00:11:45,582 --> 00:11:48,844 "Breakthrough, New You"! 268 00:11:48,845 --> 00:11:51,594 Trademark Shabazz Enterprises 269 00:11:51,597 --> 00:11:53,941 soon as I file the paperwork. 270 00:11:53,942 --> 00:11:56,047 - Thank you. - Uh... 271 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,951 'Scuse me, did I miss something? 272 00:11:57,952 --> 00:12:00,023 I... I thought I won therapy. 273 00:12:00,024 --> 00:12:02,300 Why is y'all sitting here having black girl magic? 274 00:12:04,035 --> 00:12:07,431 See, your problem probably isn't even in your neck. 275 00:12:07,432 --> 00:12:08,587 You're right. 276 00:12:08,588 --> 00:12:09,708 My problems in a tweed jacket 277 00:12:09,709 --> 00:12:11,747 and glasses. 278 00:12:11,748 --> 00:12:14,228 Nerve endings in the feet connect to the entire body, 279 00:12:14,229 --> 00:12:16,130 serving as a road map of sorts. 280 00:12:16,131 --> 00:12:18,814 For example, the heel of the foot... 281 00:12:18,815 --> 00:12:20,718 interacts with the lower back. 282 00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:23,945 Actually... that's not so bad. 283 00:12:23,946 --> 00:12:25,780 Mm-hmm, while this little piggy 284 00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:27,785 connects to the neck. 285 00:12:27,786 --> 00:12:29,110 Oh, wow. 286 00:12:29,111 --> 00:12:30,945 And this is your spine, and... 287 00:12:30,946 --> 00:12:33,630 I can't remember what this is. 288 00:12:33,631 --> 00:12:35,939 Girl! 289 00:12:46,169 --> 00:12:48,819 Marlon, now it's your turn. 290 00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:51,843 "Final Flight"! Hah! Ooh! 291 00:12:51,844 --> 00:12:54,936 Tuh-trademark! 292 00:12:54,937 --> 00:12:57,722 Shabazz Enterprizes, 2004. 293 00:12:57,723 --> 00:13:00,373 You're on a plane that's going down. 294 00:13:00,374 --> 00:13:01,561 Call Ashley. 295 00:13:01,562 --> 00:13:03,363 Tell her everything you never said. 296 00:13:03,364 --> 00:13:05,707 Put yourself in this, Marlon. Go! 297 00:13:05,708 --> 00:13:07,370 Okay. 298 00:13:10,839 --> 00:13:11,994 Hello? 299 00:13:11,995 --> 00:13:14,576 Hello, Ashley? 300 00:13:14,577 --> 00:13:18,891 I'm on a plane, and... it's going down. 301 00:13:18,892 --> 00:13:21,474 And... I have so many regrets, and... 302 00:13:21,475 --> 00:13:24,464 - You do? - Yes. 303 00:13:24,465 --> 00:13:26,571 But I'll tell you when I land, because right now, 304 00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,440 I have to save all these people on the plane! 305 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,329 'Scuse me, 'scuse me. 306 00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:33,673 'Scuse me. Damn window seats. 307 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,751 'Scuse me. Ah, ah. 308 00:13:37,752 --> 00:13:40,231 Gotta make it to the cockpit. Hiyah! 309 00:13:40,232 --> 00:13:43,188 Pow! Captain! 310 00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:45,362 Oh, he's unconscious. 311 00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:49,473 He's a... lot... heavier... than... I thought. 312 00:13:50,902 --> 00:13:52,803 Come on, I'm gonna drag your ass 313 00:13:52,804 --> 00:13:54,775 like they dragged that Chinese guy... 314 00:13:54,776 --> 00:13:55,963 on United Airline. 315 00:13:55,964 --> 00:13:58,139 Come on. 316 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:01,571 Get your... get your ass up here. 317 00:14:01,572 --> 00:14:03,099 All right, he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 318 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,425 Don't worry. 319 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,362 I'm not gonna let society's prejudices 320 00:14:06,363 --> 00:14:08,775 stop me from saving another man's life. 321 00:14:08,776 --> 00:14:11,595 Oh, damn, that's a cold sore. Sorry, Captain. 322 00:14:11,596 --> 00:14:13,430 You gonna die today. 323 00:14:15,231 --> 00:14:16,997 It's terrorists! Watch out, everybody! 324 00:14:16,998 --> 00:14:19,071 Get down! The terrorists got me! 325 00:14:21,314 --> 00:14:22,604 Gotta break free! 326 00:14:22,605 --> 00:14:24,303 I'll hit 'em with this itchy blanket. 327 00:14:24,304 --> 00:14:25,459 Come here. 328 00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:28,653 The itchy airline blanket! 329 00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:30,930 I'll hide in this first-class curtain. 330 00:14:30,931 --> 00:14:33,988 Welcome to coach. 331 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,827 Hiyah! Pow! Hiyah! 332 00:14:37,828 --> 00:14:40,444 Hiyah! Pow! 333 00:14:40,445 --> 00:14:43,128 You're all in trouble now. 334 00:14:43,129 --> 00:14:44,658 You know why? Hah! 335 00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:49,109 'Cause I'm "Passenger 57." "Always bet on black." 336 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,283 Everybody! 337 00:14:51,284 --> 00:14:54,002 Fasten your seatbelts! Put your tray tables up! 338 00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:55,531 Put your oxygen mask on! 339 00:14:55,532 --> 00:14:57,842 Wait, those aren't oxygen masks. 340 00:14:57,843 --> 00:14:59,201 Those are snakes! 341 00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:01,851 I've had it with these mickey-ficky snakes 342 00:15:01,852 --> 00:15:04,706 on this mickey-ficky plane! 343 00:15:04,707 --> 00:15:06,337 Hiyah! 344 00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:08,920 If I could... just... make it... 345 00:15:08,921 --> 00:15:14,050 to... the cock... pit... must... fight... 346 00:15:14,051 --> 00:15:17,890 the gravi... tational pull... 347 00:15:17,891 --> 00:15:21,865 of the... airplane! 348 00:15:21,866 --> 00:15:27,099 If I could just... get... to... the cockpit... 349 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,560 Everybody, be calm. 350 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:31,584 If Kevin Hart's career could survive "Soul Plane," 351 00:15:31,585 --> 00:15:33,554 we gonna be all right! 352 00:15:36,410 --> 00:15:37,510 Come on. 353 00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:41,676 I will not... leave... my... wingman! 354 00:15:45,109 --> 00:15:46,740 The plane's leveled out. 355 00:15:46,741 --> 00:15:49,763 Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. 356 00:15:49,764 --> 00:15:53,603 We are now cruising at a altitude of 30,000 feet. 357 00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:56,220 We will be landing in Vegas, where I'll be hosting 358 00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:59,618 a dope-ass after party at the Bellagio. 359 00:15:59,619 --> 00:16:02,303 Will the flight attendants please meet me 360 00:16:02,304 --> 00:16:05,156 in the galley way by the bathrooms? 361 00:16:05,157 --> 00:16:07,465 You're joining the Mile-High Club. 362 00:16:11,444 --> 00:16:15,113 I should've seen that coming. 363 00:16:15,114 --> 00:16:16,404 Okay. 364 00:16:16,405 --> 00:16:18,782 Dr. Shabazz doesn't need to see any more. 365 00:16:18,783 --> 00:16:21,433 Your marriage was doomed, and I'm sorry to say, 366 00:16:21,434 --> 00:16:23,912 so is your divorce. 367 00:16:31,226 --> 00:16:33,007 "Doomed"? 368 00:16:33,008 --> 00:16:35,046 Ashley, she don't know. Tell her. 369 00:16:35,047 --> 00:16:39,225 Marlon, she has three master's and a PhD, 370 00:16:39,226 --> 00:16:41,571 and I feel how I felt in the middle of our marriage: 371 00:16:41,572 --> 00:16:43,473 like I'm doing this by myself. 372 00:16:43,474 --> 00:16:45,679 And I won't do that again. 373 00:16:46,803 --> 00:16:49,299 I need a divorce from our divorce. 374 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,097 Come on, Ash, you can't believe her 375 00:16:51,098 --> 00:16:52,529 just 'cause she got a PhD. 376 00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:54,360 Look, my cousin Dougie got a PhD 377 00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,258 and his mama still gotta pin his gloves 378 00:16:56,259 --> 00:16:58,387 to his damn coat sleeves. 379 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:04,514 I also have six best-selling relationship books. 380 00:17:04,515 --> 00:17:07,843 Not to mention, I've been married five times. 381 00:17:07,844 --> 00:17:11,771 I think I know when something's done. 382 00:17:11,772 --> 00:17:13,502 Five times? 383 00:17:13,503 --> 00:17:18,063 What's your PhD in? Driving brothers crazy? 384 00:17:18,064 --> 00:17:20,160 Hold up, Mickey Ficky. 385 00:17:20,161 --> 00:17:22,757 You can talk sideways to Ashley, 386 00:17:22,758 --> 00:17:23,923 but I ain't the one. 387 00:17:23,924 --> 00:17:26,986 See now, you dragged your sorry ass up into my office, 388 00:17:26,987 --> 00:17:28,817 talking about "she trippin'." 389 00:17:28,818 --> 00:17:31,047 No, Negro, she was trying! 390 00:17:31,048 --> 00:17:32,445 And you're running around here 391 00:17:32,446 --> 00:17:34,309 talking about some damn snakes on a plane 392 00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:38,471 and busting up my office like the damn LAPD. 393 00:17:38,472 --> 00:17:41,766 And now she's gone. 394 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:44,430 She'll be a'ight. 395 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,894 Really? Where's she at? 396 00:17:46,895 --> 00:17:48,224 Ashley! 397 00:17:48,225 --> 00:17:50,555 Ashley! She under the table? 398 00:17:50,556 --> 00:17:53,185 Hmm? Maybe the gravitational pull 399 00:17:53,186 --> 00:17:55,315 pulled her out the damn window. 400 00:17:57,546 --> 00:18:00,943 You had an opportunity to save this. 401 00:18:00,944 --> 00:18:03,439 Ashley asked you to come here and participate, 402 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,868 but you refused. Why? 403 00:18:06,869 --> 00:18:08,499 'Cause I do what I wanna do. 404 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,064 That's just how I roll. 405 00:18:10,065 --> 00:18:11,929 I know that's how you roll. 406 00:18:11,930 --> 00:18:14,658 I'm asking you why do you roll like that? 407 00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:17,088 Because I don't like people telling me what to do! 408 00:18:17,089 --> 00:18:19,052 All right? I'm the youngest of ten kids, 409 00:18:19,053 --> 00:18:20,651 and I got bossed around my whole life. 410 00:18:20,652 --> 00:18:22,515 You know what it's like being the youngest of ten kids? 411 00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:24,546 Huh? You got... you got a brother teaching you 412 00:18:24,547 --> 00:18:26,910 how to cross the street at, damn, four years old? 413 00:18:26,911 --> 00:18:28,507 What the hell he gonna teach a three-year-old? 414 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:31,236 We both got hit by the damn car. 415 00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:35,032 So I just like doing what I wanna do. 416 00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:36,564 I'm a grown-ass man. 417 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:39,560 And if Ashley don't like it, well, she ain't gotta be here. 418 00:18:39,561 --> 00:18:43,055 Marlon, Ashley doesn't wanna change you 419 00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:44,554 or how you roll. 420 00:18:44,555 --> 00:18:48,848 All she's asking you to do is... 421 00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:51,045 Try. 422 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,609 She wants me to try. 423 00:18:56,038 --> 00:18:58,935 Breakthrough. New you. 424 00:18:58,936 --> 00:19:03,829 Marlon, relationships only work when both people try. 425 00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:07,191 And I didn't learn that from any PhD. 426 00:19:07,192 --> 00:19:10,287 I learned that from my own five failed... 427 00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:12,351 Marriages. 428 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:16,413 Now there's a bunch of people out there 429 00:19:16,414 --> 00:19:19,476 who I love who don't love me. 430 00:19:19,477 --> 00:19:22,839 Okay. Okay, okay. 431 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,103 Okay. Hey. 432 00:19:24,104 --> 00:19:25,901 Hey, "breakthrough. New you." 433 00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:36,620 Ash, pick up. 434 00:19:36,621 --> 00:19:38,984 - Marlon, I'm not in the mood. - Ash, please. 435 00:19:38,985 --> 00:19:41,947 It's an emergency. 436 00:19:44,212 --> 00:19:47,374 Ashley, I'm on a plane, and it's going down. 437 00:19:47,375 --> 00:19:49,404 And I have a lot of regrets. 438 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:52,134 I regret that I could never palm a basketball. 439 00:19:52,135 --> 00:19:55,130 I regret that I never banged Apollonia. 440 00:19:55,131 --> 00:19:56,729 Enjoy your flight. 441 00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:57,860 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 442 00:19:57,861 --> 00:20:00,956 Listen, I have real regrets too. 443 00:20:00,957 --> 00:20:03,585 I regret that I never tried. 444 00:20:05,118 --> 00:20:09,279 But if I had another chance... I would try. 445 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,943 I would try in our divorce 446 00:20:10,944 --> 00:20:14,240 the way I didn't try in our marriage. 447 00:20:14,241 --> 00:20:16,770 Now I can't 'cause I'm stuck on this busted-ass plane 448 00:20:16,771 --> 00:20:18,933 full of regrets. 449 00:20:18,934 --> 00:20:21,663 - Marlon. - Hmm? 450 00:20:21,664 --> 00:20:23,261 Pick up. 451 00:20:26,591 --> 00:20:29,587 Um... listen. 452 00:20:29,588 --> 00:20:32,250 I really appreciate this call. 453 00:20:32,251 --> 00:20:37,244 And I'll tell you what. If you're, um... willing to... 454 00:20:37,245 --> 00:20:39,474 kick in that cockpit door... 455 00:20:39,475 --> 00:20:42,137 and save all the people on the plane... 456 00:20:42,138 --> 00:20:44,534 and make your way back to me and the kids... 457 00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:47,064 then I'm willing to give you another chance. 458 00:20:47,065 --> 00:20:50,394 Okay. Bet. 459 00:20:50,395 --> 00:20:54,122 I'll be home soon. You know why? 460 00:20:54,123 --> 00:20:56,286 I'm Passenger 57! 461 00:20:56,287 --> 00:20:59,049 "Always bet on black." Hiyah! 462 00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,780 Hi-yah! 463 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:01,813 Oh, snap. You scared me. 464 00:21:01,814 --> 00:21:03,544 I'm so sorry. Ah! 465 00:21:07,107 --> 00:21:09,536 You know, Stevie, in my mind right now... 466 00:21:09,537 --> 00:21:11,666 you're a big-booty Brazilian 467 00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,929 with twerking skills. 468 00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:17,293 One out of three ain't bad. 469 00:21:17,294 --> 00:21:19,756 Hey, tell me where you feel this. 470 00:21:19,757 --> 00:21:21,520 Girl! 471 00:21:33,213 --> 00:21:39,043 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 33567

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