All language subtitles for HairBrained (2013) 1080p BrRip x264 - YIFY

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

ELI (V.O.): Hello, my name is
Eli Pettifog. I'm 13 years old.

Today is my first
day of college.

( CAR HORN HONKING )

( CAR ENGINE STARTING )

What you got in that bag, Eli?
Books?

Don't they have a library
at that place?

ELI (V.O.): She's a
terrible mother...

but it's not her fault
that I'm a genius.

( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )

♪ Can you hear me coming
Feel it all around

♪ Feet are stomping
On the ground

♪ It said something So familiar

Please tell me this is a joke.

I wanted to take you, but
I'm just so tired.

Remember the electric bill is
the most important,
then the rent.

Eli... make some friends
out there, okay?

Bye, Mom. Later.

DRIVER (O.S.): Beacon Falls,
Whittman College.

ELI (V.O.): I welcome you to
Whittman College...

the 37th best, small, liberal
arts college on the East Coast.

Lots of stuff to know.

How about some exercise for
the lazy student?

ELI (V.O.): Some people go to
college because they graduate
from high school, like me.

Others go and they
self-destruct, like this guy.

Chi Gong.

Badminton or squash?

ELI (V.O.) He had a business
once. He used to
sell this stuff.

To these people... and then he
bailed in these things.

Put your shuttlecock away.
It's squash.

Here, let me get that for you.

Give me my bag back. I'm Leo
Searly, late bloomer.

I'm Eli Pettifog, child
prodigy, please can I
have my bag back?

You're a freshman?

Unfortunately.

Me, too. What room you in?

212, can I--

Oh, good, it's right here. I'm
right across the hall.

Well, take care,
brush your hair.

ELI (V.O.): I need the oldest
undergraduate in the
world as a friend...

like I need a hole in my head.

And I don't need a hole in my
head, if that was what you
were wondering.

Hey, want to get a burger?

No.

My treat.

Thanks, but no.

Eli, it's your first
day of college...

you're gonna have plenty of
time to sit alone and
hate yourself.

Come on.

( HORN HONKS )

Wow, that's good.

That is old-fashioned
American genius.

Have you noticed everything is
genius these days?

How can food be genius?

Try the fries.

That's good, it may be great,
but it's not genius.

Hey, look at that townie girl.

She's checking you out, man.

See you later, Shauna.

See you.

Oh, that was a complete
meltdown of the man nerve.

I'm wearing my hair net.

Safety first. I hear you.

I'm gonna go get us
some more beers.

Nice, I'll just stay here.

I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.

I'm 'Milla, I have
not yet bloomed.

Really? Uh-huh.

You look like you bloomed
to me all right.

Are you Eli Pettifog?

Yeah.

The 13-year-old freshman?

Well, Eli, I want to have your
really, really smart baby.

What makes you think that nine
months in your womb won't make
the baby really, really stupid?

Excuse me.

Oh, jeez.

You think your sperm is too
good for my girl or something?

No.

Ow, put me down! Put me down!

Why do you do this shit?
Because I'm a dick!

Say my sperm is not
worthy of Eve Hanson.

Who's Eve Hanson?
My girlfriend!

You know, the one you were just
hitting on? She's out of
your league, pal.

Yeah, I know she's out of my
league. I don't
even like girls.

Somebody's fibbing.

Oh, god.

What's it like down there?

Awesome, I've been there a
thousand times.

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Say my sperm is not
worthy of Eve Hanson.

Hold on, I can't hear you, my
ears are blocked.

Have some Ebola, asshole!

I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty,
little life.

So, we're enemies?

Mortal enemies. Let's
drink to it.

Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.

Remember, I bought
the first round.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

I don't feel so good.

Really?

SEARLY (O.S.): Perfect timing.

Thanks.

Something I want to tell you.

What?

Come closer.

You can come closer.

I'm a genius!

I remember my first beer, too.
Yeah.

Ever since I was a little baby,
all I ever wanted to do
was go to Harvard.

My spiritual home.

So, without really trying, I
skipped five grades.

Won all the science fairs,
got my MENSA card.

You know what happened?

Harvard rejected me.

They don't want me.

Well, then, screw them.

You don't understand. It just
killed me, you know?

You want to know the most awful
and humiliating part of the
whole, entire story?

You still love the bitch.

Yeah. How'd you know?

All right, if you're gonna puke
again, close one eye, you'll
have better aim.

Don't leave.

If the room starts to spin, you
put one foot on the floor.

Yeah. Leo? Leo?

Goodnight. No, Leo, just--

You're all right.
Hang in there.

Never mind.

I'm here for my job.

All right, dear, check in
down the hall.

Shit.

Harvard's coming?

Good evening, and welcome to
Collegiate Mastermind.

The varsity sport of the mind.

Tonight's two contestants are
the Whittman Warring Hares...

versus the Harvard
Crimson squad.

First question is a toss-up
worth ten points.

The first question, that should
be the first one on the stack.

Okay, how far can the
Queen Mary 2...

travel on one gallon of...
diesel.

Whittman Warring Hares.

We forfeit.

Incorrect.

No, I mean we forfeit.

You can't forfeit.

We haven't won a
match since 1971.

Oh. Harvard to steal.

Six inches.

Six inches is correct.

Yes!

Caution, Harvard at this
time for showboating.

Man, if I were on the
Whittman team...

my dad would send me into the
woods to find the perfect piece
of birch to split my ass with.

Hey, there's the little dude.

Thanks for the support, little
dude. What's your name?

Eli.

You the man, Eli.

How old are you?

13.

Uh-oh, he's a genius.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

13, walking around Harvard with
hair like that? That's bad ass.

You want a ride back to campus?

To Boston?

Yeah, let's roll.

Yo, Eli, get in... or we
aren't gonna haze you.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't go to Harvard.

I'm a freshman here at
Whittman... but my soul
belongs to Harvard.

Don't worry about it, the
important thing is we part
company like men.

Listen to me, you little freak.
Ow, oh, my god.

Harvard doesn't want your soul.
Your soul is cheap, and
it's mediocre.

Ow, stop. It's a Whittman soul.

But they went on to win that
year. How does that
help us right now?

I'm just saying you should
learn, you know, perseverance.

Alan, if you didn't know the
answer, why did you buzz?

Because--

You can't do that. If you
don't know, don't buzz.

Hey.

My name is Eli Pettifog.

This is Leo Searly's last
chance at a classy future.

He's not afraid to gamble it
all on a hole and a ball.

Hits the putt.

Oh, it's on the lip. No, no,
no, it's rolling in.
It's rolling in.

Oh, yes!

Leo Searly takes home
$100 million-- Hey.

Hey, how are you?

Can I tell you something
super important?

Okay. As long as it's not
teenage stuff.

Don't worry. This is as
grown up as it gets.

All right.

First, I now hate Harvard with
the fanatical rage of a
freedom fighter.

That sounds pretty
teenage to me.

And I've sworn my life to
its destruction.

The entire university?

No, just the college,
I'm only one man.

Second, I'm now the new captain
of the Whittman Warring Hares
Collegiate Mastermind Team.

Oh, I loved that game as a kid.
That's the one with the pegs.

Like the little colored pegs,
then you get a combination--

No, it's a quiz show in which
two colleges compete...

to see which one is smart and
which one is dumb.

It's like the show Jeopardy,
with no money.

No money?

Forget the money, Leo. I found
the instrument of my revenge.

What makes him think he can
walk in here and say...

"I'm Eli Pettifog and I'm
your new captain?"

Because none of us walked in
and said I'm your new captain.

The first four digits
of pi are 3.141.

What is the billionth
digit of pi?

Nine.

MODERATOR (O.S.):
Right you are.

Dude.

Here's your bonus.

Assuming Rudolph
was in front...

how many ways are there to
arrange the other
eight reindeer?

40,320.

Right you are. You're fast,
kid.

Dude! Captain.

Shit, dude, viral
pandemic sick! Or not.

Ssh, I'm trying to study.

You should have a package
for Eli Pettifog.

Pettifog, okay.
P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?

Yeah.

Weird name. What's it mean?

Okay, here we go. Pettifog
means you bicker
over everything.

That's ridiculous.

Second definition, to practice
deception or trickery.

Do you have a package
for me or not?

There's no package for you,
Pettifog. No lying or
complaining.

Okay.

Hey. Can I use your phone?

Yeah, sure.

It's private.

I understand.

SHEILA (O.S.) Hey, if you want
to party, leave a message.
All right, whatever.

Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind
you you forgot my
birthday again.

It's your birthday?

Yeah. Big 1-4.

Hang on.

Faster.

Okay.

Whoo!

Faster.

Faster?

Yeah!

SEARLY (O.S.): Whoo!

ELI (O.S.): Faster.

Whoo!

Thanks, Leo, that
was really fun.

Well, happy birthday, Eli.

Leo! SEARLY (O.S.): Yo!

Faster!

What's wrong with this thing?

Hey, fuzzy, that's my
favorite machine.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

I wish I could go to Whittman.

There's no Mall Studies
major at Whittman.

I'm not a mall girl. I only
shop at the most
exclusive boutiques.

Mm-hm.

You want to shotgun?

What's a shotgun?

Let me show you. Okay.

I know you have a thing for me.

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you talking about?

I see you checking out my
boyish curves.

Come, lay down with me.

SHAUNA (O.S.): You want
to know a secret?

ELI (O.S.): Okay.

I never kissed anyone.

So what? Neither have I.

I'm worried I might suck at it.

How hard can it be?

Kissing is too
important to be easy.

Not my lip.

Well, stop squirming.

Are you supposed to be drooling
directly into my mouth?

Toss up. Which states, in order
of entry into the union...

is Bruce "The Boss"
Springsteen not from?

Whittman?

Delaware, Pennsylvania,
Georgia, Connecticut...

Massachusetts, Maryland, South
Carolina, New Hampshire,
Virginia, New York...

North Carolina, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Kentucky, uh...

Keep going.

Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,
Indiana, Mississippi,
Illinois...

Alabama, Maine, Missouri,
Arkansas, Michigan, Florida,
Texas, Iowa...

Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota...

15 seconds.

Um, not Oregon, Kansas, West
Virginia, Nevada...

Nebraska, Colorado, North
Dakota, South Dakota.

Do it, weirdo!

STUDENT (O.S.): Yeah, do it.

Montana, Washington, Idaho,
Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico,
Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.

By god, he's done it.

Nice. Very nice.

In-frigging-conceivable.
Frigging magnificent.

Frigging, frigging. I want a
piece of your action.

You can't have any
of my action.

Do you even know what
your action is?

You're the one who started
talking about my action.

Your action is blowing people
away with your genius, and
your bizarre charisma.

You're a college star
in the making.

My quest is private, Leo, it's
not for other people.

Do you think I should
start a blog?

Whoa.

Nice try, Leo.

Mm?

This jacket is from
sweatshop city.

What are you talking about? It
was stitched in Beacon Falls,
USA.

Makes me look like I have
old-man shoulders.

Man shoulders are a perk.

Oh. Then how come the
waist is so tight?

What are you talking about?
It's form-fitting. Flatters
the silhouette.

Oh. Well, what
about the collar?

The jacket's perfect, Eli.

You promise?

Yeah.

Must be why I love it so much.

Excuse me, hello, thank you
very much. I hope you all
enjoy your lunch.

Today we're offering
$1,000 to anyone...

who can stump the Whittman
Warring Hares Collegiate
Mastermind squad.

Perky girl.

Okay, why does he have pubic
hair on his head?

Not the sort of question we're
looking for. Next!

But the people want to know.
Don't you want to know?

Yeah.

Okay, the people want to know,
why does your hair look like
"down there" hair?

That's a great question.

My hair resembles pubic hair,
because it is designed to
protect my brain.

Protect your brain from what?

From stupidity.

You calling me stupid?

Mm, mm-mm. They're
calling you stupid.

What about you?

I'm calling you stupid, too.

Ouch.

Yeah? Who will be stupid when
I'm eating your brain,
Pettifog?

Grilled... with sea salt.

You're gonna grill my brain?

He's gonna grill your brain.

Cave man, you can't
even start a fire.

I'll rub your bones together.

Name one bone.

Your skull bone!

All right, kids, come on,
calm down.

Thank you very much. Don't
forget to come and see
the Warring Hares.

I could take him. Put me down.
Bus your tables.

I want to thank you for
benching me. I never felt so
confident in my life.

Hey, what are friends for?

Hey, sexy genius.

Hey, sexy lady, what's up?

She's not talking to you. What
are you talking about?

Hey, you teach me,
I'll teach you.

A little quid pro blow, as they
say in modern Latin.

See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.

It's quid pro quo.

In Collegiate Mastermind, it
might be quid pro quo...

but in the game of life, her
interpretation is right on
the sticky bun.

You're so cool, I think I'm
gonna call you the fog.

Please, don't call me the fog.
That makes me sound dense.

Sorry.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Gertrude.

Hi, ladies. Where's Leo? Hey,
Gertrude.

( STYLIZED HORN HONKS )

Ha-ha, looks like
we got a ride.

Nice. Yes, the van.

So sweet. Oh, my god,
this is awesome.

Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.

Do you have a bed in this
thing? I like this car.

Nice, isn't it? Feels kind of
like a land couch.

Hey, Leo, guess what? Eli
has a groupie.

Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.

What's her name? Eve Hanson,
she's a senior.

She cute?

She looks like Gertrude, if you
gave her blonde hair and money.

Romeo, the only groupie you're
ever gonna have is your hand.

That really hurt.

Good.

Buckle up, kids!

Rhinotillexomania is
compulsive nose picking.

Gynecomastia means man boobs.

The naked mole rat is
immune to cancer.

Whittman College has
won the match.

And for the match, what
syndrome does pop star Lily
Allen have? Whittman.

The super numerary nipple
syndrome, the triple nipple.

Correct!

Abalone is not a mollusk, but a
large marine snail.

That's correct. Match goes to
Whittman College.

The aquatic scrotum resides
primarily in Lake Titicaca.

Whittman wins!

Yes!

( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )

Out of beer!

Warriors!

Safety first, safety first.

Oh, my god!

Hi.

Can you please stay
away from me?

Don't worry, Laird never
comes to the library.

I find you fascinating.

No, you don't.

And dangerous.

I'm very safe.

Do I scare you?

Yes, very much.

Well, just try to look past my
breasts and everything else,
and see the real me.

Look past your breasts? I can't
even look at them.

Just-- right-- do you need...

I'm not gonna look at them.

ALAN (O.S.): Don't worry,
Romeo, we can beat Yale.

It's not that.

Well, what is it?

My brother goes to Yale.

Oh, really, that's a bummer.

It's only because he is an
author and a Puerto Rican.

I did not get into Yale,
because my mighty mas macho
terrifies the white man...

until his balls are
like raisins.

But it still hurts, you know?

Every night it still hurts.

So you have a smarter brother?
Is he better looking, too?

Yeah, but only a little bit.

Eli, can you dedicate this one
to Romeo? He's really
hurting back here.

Sure. This one's for you,
big guy.

Good evening, and welcome to
the Yale Bulldogs...

versus the Whittman
Warring Hares.

First question is a toss up
for ten points.

How many names are listed on
the Vietnam War Memorial?

58,652.

Wrong, Whittman for the steal?

58,256.

That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Whittman.

The memorial is built from
black granite. Where does this
granite come from?

Bangalore, India.

Right again. Toss up.

Who invented the roulette
wheel and why?

French philosopher...

mathematician Blaise Pascal
invented roulette for perpetual
motion experiments.

That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Yale.

Why is roulette called
the Devil's Game?

Because all the numbers on the
wheel add up to 666.

Correct.

Huddle up. What?

I'm not kidding. What's up?

Some girls know about roulette,
other girls know
about the devil...

but no girl knows about both.

Especially not girls like that.
She's cheating.

How do you know?

Check out the receiver, it's
hidden, it's right there.

Yeah, I see it. Somebody's
feeding her the answers.

I bet she cheated to get
into Yale, too.

I bet she took your spot.

Whittman, break your huddle.

All right, guys, here's your
choice. We can beat them fair
and square. I promise we can.

Or, we could put an eternal
stain on their lives. It's your
call. Yale's your white whale.

Eternal stain.

All right, just be cool.

I can't be cool.

Oh, god.

My earring.

Whoo!

Daniel, my brother, Turran.

My country tis of thee,
sweet land of liberty.

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )

I know you saw that sign.

Yeah, I saw it.

Here we are at Harvard...
smartest place on Earth.

This is the freshman dorm
madam's house.

Some of the rooms
have fireplaces.

Get over it.

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

What's the high score
in this machine?

I'm wearing
watermelon lip gloss.

The flavor is disappearing, can
you put on some more?

I have cherry, too.

No, this is the one. This is
definitely the one.

You're a really good kisser,
Eli.

Thanks.

We can't do this all day...
unless it leads somewhere else.

Like where?

Like my neck.

What about your neck?

Kiss it.

Okay.

That feels so good.

Now the other side.

You mean-- okay.

Eli.

Yeah?

Do you have a roommate?

No.

You should invite me over.

You know, me being on campus
might make me into a
crazy woman.

Did you know that every time
you recall a memory, you're
making the whole thing
up from scratch?

That's ridiculous, my memories
are exactly the
same every time.

Oh, okay. What was I
wearing when we met?

Nothing.

Come on, I'm trying to
do science here.

Don't you need test hares or
something like that?

What color lipstick did your
wife wear at your wedding? Hm?

How did you know that
I was married?

It's written all over you.
Divorced guy goes to college.

Not a good look, is it?

It's not a look, it's a life.

Hey, you want to go
back to my room?

Sure, I still have 20 more
pages before we have
a sex break.

Okay, fine, no highlighting, no
looking stuff up, no
dog-earing pages.

Deal.

Deal.

Divorce is sexy. Really?

Yeah, as long as you don't have
any brats running around you.

Uh-huh.

Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's
all fruity for you
or something.

A truce, huh? Okay, take this,
you need it.

Laird.

LAIRD (O.S.): Pettifog.

Tell me we're going to
beat Princeton.

We're gonna beat Princeton.

Tell me we're going to
the Final Four.

Final Four? We're
going all the way.

Did you just promise me a
national championship?

I'm guaranteeing it.

I believe you, Eli.

I believe that you can restore
glory to Whittman athletics and
make us whole again.

Yeah, I promise I will.

But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.

Okay.

LAIRD (O.S.): I'm gonna make
this the worst year of your
shitty, little life.

But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,
ask me anything.

Yo, this is total commitment.

What are you talking about?

Pettifog, he means it.

Let me see that.

Oh, please, that's Kiss,
we're the Beatles.

Tigers!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!

Win this one, we make it to
the Final Four.

My father will kill me. '69
team lost to Princeton.

You afraid of your father?

ALAN (O.S.): Everybody is
afraid of their father.

I can't believe how
nervous I am.

You've got no reason
to be nervous.

No, I know, I was just trying
to make you feel useful.

Just get up there and give it
all the brains you got.

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Good evening and welcome to
Collegiate Mastermind.

All right, the first question
is a toss-up worth ten points.

Which president created a
company slogan by describing a
certain brand of coffee...

as being "good to
the last drop"?

Teddy Roosevelt.

MODERATOR (O.S.): Correct.

Here's your bonus. In Italy,
what is the average age
of a barista?

48.

MODERATOR (O.S.) Nicely done.

Toss-up now. What is the
longest word ever used by a
presidential press secretary?

Floxinoxinihilipilification.

That's the word.
Here's your bonus.

What is the longest word in the
English language whose letters
can be played on the piano?

Cabbaged.

Musical. Toss-up.

How much money did Abraham
Lincoln have in his pocket at
the time of his assassination?

Five dollars in
Confederate money.

Nice shot, Whittman, all the
way to the bank.

I want to have your baby!

Here's your bonus. What is the
average life span of a U.S.
dollar in circulation?

18 months.

MODERATOR (O.S.) Correct.

Such an intense sport.

It's all in the coaching.

Toss-up. Who wrote
Fart Proudly?

Benjamin Franklin.

Exactly. Nostalgie De La Boue.

Bingo. 28,420.

Well done!

Bella Abzug. The Stockholm
Syndrome. The number one.

Banging your head against a
wall burns 150
calories per hour.

On average, right-handed people
live nine years longer than
left-handed people.

Mike Huckabee.

The mainland tiger snake.

The two presidents who's names
contain the letters that
form criminal...

are Richard Millhouse Nixon and
William Jefferson Clinton.

If Barbie were life-size, she
would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.

Whoo! It is a tight race, if I
do say so myself.

This final question will
determine which team will go
to the Final Four.

Teams at your buzzers.

Who first said, "Elvis has
left the building"?

Whittman!

Horace Lee Logan!

Holy shit, that's right.

MODERATOR (O.S.): Princeton
loses! Princeton loses!

And Whittman College advances
to the Final Four!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid, now
that's over the line.

I can't believe it.

Yo.

Yo.

Hey, Pettifog.

I have registered mail.

You know what, Pettifog? You're
no Pettifog. You're an angel of
knowledge with a kinky halo.

Saw you the other night,
awesome.

Thanks.

Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!

What? Oh, shit, no!

To the academic building, and
the first thing we're
gonna do is--

Uh, question, what is the
student bathroom ratio
on this campus?

Sophie?

Yes. Who are you?

Um... I'm Leo Searly.

My bio dad?

Your father.

No. That's my father.

Don't tell me you're a
professor here.

No, uh, yes? I'm not
tenured yet, well--

You left when I was seven, and
now you're teaching at my
top college choice?

You're ruining my life
all over again.

And you don't even care that
you're ruining my life.

All you care about
is Leo Searly.

Three-time loser and
pathetic Peter Pan.

Soph-- Sophie, just give me
another chance.

BARTENDER (O.S.): She
ain't here, Fuzzy.

Read it. Read the letter!

Collegiate Mastermind...
Dear Eli Pettifog...

The Collegiate Mastermind
Committee hereby
suspends you...

from the semi-final match of
this year's Final Four for
actions unbecoming?

La-la-la... section four,
code 93...

You're not even allowed in the
building. Is this for real?

Yes, it's for real, this is
your fault, Leo.

You got me the team jackets.
You got me the van.

You made me popular. How could
you do those things?

I knew I shouldn't have
enrolled you in karate classes.

That's typical Leo Searly
sarcasm. You just don't care
about anyone or anything.

Jesus Christ, I can't believe
this is happening.

I had Harvard dangling over
the falls, Leo.

You have to do
something about this.

You have to go to the
Collegiate Mastermind
headquarters and you have to
set them straight.

I can't do that.

Why not?

You just burst in
their offices...

you tell them you're my father
and they're messing with my
destiny or something.

You know that there are some
things that you just
can't change.

I thought you were afraid
to talk to me?

I've been suspended from the
semi-final match.

For karate? You idiot.

I know, but they never
even warned me.

I hope you consider coming to
Whittman, you're a
wonderful candidate.

Thank you so much.

Okay, see you. Bye-bye. Bye.

Do you ever consider the
possibility that maybe you're
the patsy in all this?

I was set up? Why
would I be set up?

Look, they used you to bring
attention to the Mastermind.

But at the end of the day, they
were never gonna let you win.

You're collegiate white trash.

You're even more
paranoid than I am.

Things like this happen
all the time.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

I've been looking all over for
you. What are you doing here?

Um, I just finished my
interview and then the
campus store.

Now I'm in the library,
which is awesome.

I'm a little bit confused. Are
you applying for an
after school job or something?

No, um... I'm applying as a
student to Whittman College,
Eli.

I thought you were 15. Have you
been lying to me
about your age?

I am 15, and I'm a high
school senior.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

Because I thought you
wouldn't like it.

And... why didn't you tell me
about the Collegiate
Mastermind? Hm?

Is is because you wanted to
keep your townie girlfriend...

as far away from your real
life as you can?

I'm a townie, too, you know.

Then act like one.

You better go get her, Eli.
Girls like that don't
grow in chat rooms.

And brush your hair.

Shit!

Dance.

Good shot.

Hey, Leo? How are
your testicles?

Hanging in there.

Yeah, you are.

Pettifog. Pettifog.

Pettifog!

I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? You got
suspended. We're gonna lose.

Where'd you hear that?

Everywhere.

It's not true.

It's not?

No... it's-- it's a ruse to
lull the opponent.

To a false sense of security.

Nobody knows but you and me.

That's just ingenious.

So, you still guarantee
complete annihilation and
total victory?

100 percent.

How about another 10?
That's 110 percent.

There's no such thing.

I don't care.

Sophie?

This was the car you were gonna
teach me to drive in.

Well, why don't we do
that right now?

I already know how to drive.

You know I'm not really a
professor here, right?

I know, you're a freshman.

Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.

I was sure you hated me, I--

I did, until I saw you.

But you're such a lost
goofball, I can't help
but not hate you.

Do you feel sorry for me?

Yeah.

Well, that's sweet.

Are you thinking of
coming to Whittman?

How would you feel about that?
I mean, it could be weird.

Well... I don't know, thrilled
that my daughter is following
after her scholarly father.

What kind of grades you get?

Straight A's. Yeah?

It's no big deal, it's
public school.

Still, that's great,
straight A's.

Can you afford it?

No, I can't afford it.

Well, you know, maybe there's
something I can do to help you
out tuition-wise.

Are you serious? You
would do that?

Yeah, um, I'm not making any
promises, but I'll see what
I can do. Um...

I didn't come here for that,
you know?

I know, look, I know, I know,
I know. I know.

Hi. Hi.

I can't see you anymore. I'm
sorry. Can I come in?

Yeah, why can't you
see me anymore?

Well, because I just ran into
my daughter and I haven't seen
her in a long time.

And it's just a little
bit creepy...

because she kind of looks
like-- you get it?

That is so psychological.

Some kind of pathological
narcissistic father-daughter
disorder or something.

Well, thanks very much, and
I'll see you around campus.

You sure you don't want to hang
out and study for a while?

Wow, um, uh... gosh,
I'm gonna go--

Leo... what the hell are
you doing here?

Hi, Benny, how are you?

Well, I've got a lot of things
I could complain about, but try
to say only good things.

So, all right, what's
up with you?

Oh, I'm here to place a bet,
Benny.

Leo, you know that I'll never
take your bet, not ever.

Now what kind of bookie
doesn't take a bet?

The kind who feels guilty for
ruining your life.

But this is a good bet. It's a
bet with conscience.

Look, I'm sorry, Leo,
can't do it.

Benny, take my bet.

Would you please get up off the
ground? The sight of you down
there is very disturbing to me.

I'm not getting up until
you take my bet.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Hm.

Really?

I'm not getting up until you
get out of here,
you understand?

Look at you, Benny. You're on
your knees in your own office.

Look at you, you're begging me
to ruin your life
all over again.

I'm trying to pay for my
daughter's tuition.

Yeah.

Do you have any idea how much
it costs to go to
college these days?

I don't know, like 20 grand?

Try 50 large.

50 large? Who the hell
can afford that?

I got 25, if I double it, then
Sophie can go to
school for a year.

All right, what's the bet?

Harvard to take it all.

Harvard? What are
they gonna win?

Collegiate Mastermind.

What the hell is
Collegiate Mastermind?

Well, it's kind of like
Jeopardy, but
without the money.

No money? What's the point?

You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind National
Championship. Say it.

You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind--

Stop. Stop. Not me, you.
Please say it again.

How can we win the Collegiate
Mastermind National
Championship?

We haven't answered one single
question during the
whole season.

Well, you didn't answer the
questions, but you knew the
answers, right?

I didn't.

Not even one third of the
answers? One out of every
three questions?

I did, I knew about a third.

Yeah, I guess I did, too.

Okay, and Alan knew the other
third, so the three of you guys
make up one of me.

But--

You're pussies. You guys
are total pussies.

And pussies need balls, so get
some balls, guys.

Can you seriously picture
Alan with balls?

Mm?

ALAN (O.S.): Eli.

Alan?

Up here, Eli.

Last night, I had a dream.

The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...

Poughkeepsie, New York,
semi-final match of the
Final Four...

I was nailing question
after question.

How did it end? In
your triumph?

Nope.

Ended when I mutated into a
rabbit and shitted all
over the stage.

You weren't a rabbit, you
idiot. You were a Warring Hare.

Really? Yes.

But what does the shit signify?

Purging of your doubts.

Man... I got a lot of doubts.

( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )

Because Harvard's burning.

Turn off the municipal
water system.

Because Harvard's burning.

Something smells good.

Because Harvard's burning.

We're here.

GERTRUDE (O.S.): Okay,
now I'm nervous.

I'm gonna try and
get in anyway.

Good luck to us all.

Warren Harris from Leafy
Woman's College.

Searly, Leo.

Pettifog, I can't let you in
the building until after
the semi-finals.

What are you talking about?

He's with us-- Excuse me.

Okay, you're b--. What are
you talking about?

I'll watch the guys. I can't
let you in. Sorry.

There's something very
different about you this year.

The moustache-- my
moustache came in.

It's not your moustache.

Moustache is in.

Something I can't quite run
my fingers through.

You know, Spencer--

AD (O.S.): We're on, guys.

I'm sorry, here we go.

Ooh, we have arrived.

Fruit plate.

You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
Mm-hm.

I bet her hoo-hah looks
just like this.

Why did it take you so long to
say something romantic?

Hey, guys, let's bring it in.
Huddle up... into a square.

Circle, triangle, whatever.

Are you gonna psyche us up
instead of Eli?

In my own way. You made it to
the Final Four. You're
already winners, right?

Right, right? Right. Let's take
a moment to cherish that.

This is something that you're
going to share with
your children.

The foundation of good
character is based on losing.

In fact, what makes a good
winner... is a good loser.

What's the difference between
winning and losing?

Except joy and pain.

So, let's go out there with our
heads held high...
and lose one.

In that old Whittman style.

We're coming to you live...
Coming to you live.

...from the Poughkeepsie Music
Hall and what a beautiful
venue this is.

Gorgeous down there.

Where the Stanford Cardinal
will be taking on the--

Whittman Warring Hares of
Whittman College.

Who are playing without their
star, Eli Pettifog, who is--

He's been suspended. He's been
suspended one game
for showboating.

He's gonna be back if they
advance to the Finals.

What is up with you?

This Whittman thong is itching
me something fierce.

Can we have tickets? I
really need tickets.

Shit! Shit.

Why were you acting so
creepy in the library?

I don't know. Why were you
acting so creepy in
the library?

I just-- I just came over--

I'm sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, I have lip gloss.

No, screw the lip gloss, okay?

KID (O.S.): Yo, good luck,
Stanford.

Remember, guys, even without
Pettifog, the Hares are
still dangerous.

Bullshit. Without Pettifog,
they can't even spell Pettifog.

Hey, watch the karma violation.

Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon.

You come and go.

You come and go.

Oh, shit.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Stanford
Cardinal, please report
backstage to check in.

Final call, final call,
Stanford Cardinal.

We're currently waiting for the
Stanford Cardinal to arrive.

I think it's a mind game. I
think what Stanford is
doing is a mind game.

I think they're just trying to
upset these Whittman Warring
Hares by not showing up.

I think it's bad karma, myself.
Yeah.

I don't know where they are. I
saw the in the hotel this
morning at breakfast.

A little bleary-eyed, probably
from studying and/or partying
they did last night.

But they look great,
these kids...

we all shared some of the
cottage cheese. I got a bowl of
cottage cheese there.

Really?

Put some sugar on it yourself
and grab yourself a
pineapple ring...

and put the cottage
cheese on there.

And load that sucker with sugar
and have yourself some
delicious French roast...

that they have at the
continental breakfast, a
croissant, maybe?

Right.

Do not let them get into
your head, Gertrude.

The match should have started
20 minutes ago. Those Stanford
fools are driving me crazy.

Good afternoon, Whittman.

The Stanford Cardinal have
failed to appear... and
are disqualified.

Congratulations, you
advance to the Finals.

BENNY (ON VM): Benny Greenberg.

Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo.
Really be good if I
could talk to you.

Hey, so what's
Eli's bedroom IQ?

Cut it out, you jerks. Okay?

Seriously, we're about to play
the match of our lives.

What should we do?

We'll practice celebrating.

Create a mental picture of
Harvard lying on the stage.

You know, they're crying,
they're fouling their pants.

They're bleeding from
their ears...

and you all are gyrating
obscenely over their
fallen bodies. Okay?

I want some pie. You
want some pie?

Yeah.

Do you want blueberry? I heard
they have an awesome peach one.
Banana--

I actually have to pee.

Oh, I'll be over there.

Dual vivimus vivamus.

While we live, let's live.

Porcellian Club, Harvard's
most secret society.

Members often call it "The PC".

And "The Porc". I'm not a
member, so I just call it
the Porcellian Club.

Nobody is a member until they
become a member, but once a
member, always a member.

Like an alma mater.

Only much, much better.

Maybe next time around.

Look at me, Eli. There is no
next time around.

If you let Harvard win, I can
make you a Harvard student.

Consider it.

He said that if I take a dive
in the final match, I go to
Harvard on a full scholarship.

Does that include a
graduate degree?

Who needs a graduate degree?

Well, what was your answer?

I didn't have one. I still
don't have one.

I gotta go, just don't follow
me, don't try to find me, agh!

I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.

No, no, no, it's like this.

You're the rice in my beans,
baby.

Uh, hey, is Eli around?

You guys don't know where he
is? Is something wrong?

Everything is fine. He's
probably just getting in the
zone all by himself.

What's going on? What's
going on, what?

He's obviously not here. I
know he's not here.

So let's go, let's go.

So, later.

Eli? Eli.

Eli. We should go back and wait
for him in the dressing room.

What are you talking about?
He's not going to the
dressing room.

He could be anywhere.

We are live in Poughkeepsie,
New York...

for the 49th annual Collegiate
Mastermind Tournament
Championship.

And right off the bat, we
have a shocker.

Oh, boy.

Whittman College's star player
Eli Pettifog is a no-show.

I think that their chances have
gone from long shot...

to no shot here against the
Harvard Crimson ruling elite.

There.

What are you doing, Eli?

Eli.

He can't talk, but his Lego
skills are ridiculous.

Hmm.

Come on, let's go. The
match is starting.

Keep on building.

Holy shit, no Pettifog.

Oh, no, I forgot to go
to the bathroom.

Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen...

and welcome to this year's
Collegiate Mastermind
Championship Match.

Featuring the Harvard Crimson.

Against the Whittman
Warring Hare.

The first question
is a toss-up.

When was the stethoscope
invented and by whom?

1816 by

René-Théophile-Hyacinthe Laennec

MODERATOR (O.S.):
That is right.

Here's your bonus.

Despite her French-sounding
name, Marie Curie was
from what country?

Poland.

That is right.

Here's a toss-up.

Who was the only Major League
pitcher to throw a
no-hitter while on LSD?

Doc Ellis.

That is correct.

Where's Pettifog?

Here's your bonus.

What was the last country to
stop legally producing LSD?

Czechoslovakia in 1975.

That is right.

This humiliation is
gonna go viral.

It was Michigan in the
semi-finals and now it is a
young, plucky band of kids...

from Whittman College who are
feeling Harvard's wrath.

Ugh, it's not pretty out there.

I didn't think they had a
chance from the beginning...

but now this sad Cinderella
story is coming to a close.

Now the cards were stacked
against Whittman to begin with,
even with...

Eli? Eli!

Excuse me, I made the decision
that is going to determine my
future and yours.

I reject friendship, I reject
love, and I reject
Collegiate Mastermind.

Iron Chef Michael Simon
attended which Cleveland
area high school?

Saint Edward High
School in Lakewood.

That is right.

Make it look like your
buzzers don't work.

Toss up. What animal is
incapable of seeing the sky?

I take it back.

Five seconds, Whittman.

Something in my head is saying
gashon, gashon, gashon. What
the hell is gashon?

It's a pig. The pig.

That is right.

Here's your bonus.

These ancient people were
sometimes accompanied to the
grave with their herds of pigs.

The southern white cracker
loves his swine.

The cracker is an ancient.
Polish people are
true pig lovers.

The Chinese!

That is correct.

Yeah! Uh-oh!

The ugliest sight in the world
is the sight of simple
people being happy.

Toss up.

What ill-fated computer
platform was released on the
23rd of April, 1983?

The Apple 3.

That is right.

How did you know that?

I didn't know I did.
Here's your bonus.

Who was the forgotten founder
of Apple and what was his
greatest contribution
to the company?

Ron Wayne, he designed
the first logo.

MODERATOR (O.S.):
You nailed it!

Yeah, Gertrude.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, a sign of life from
these Whittman Hares.

Nah, I think it's gonna be too
little, too late, Spencer.

Coming up on the two-minute
warning, I think Whittman's
fate is all but sealed.

Let's not get too
excited yet...

Harvard has been answering
questions like this for 500,
600 years.

They could beat
Harvard without you.

Toss up. Who performed the only
instrumental song to have been
banned from American radio?

And what was the name
of the song?

Holy spasticature.

Oh! Down and out!

I'll tell you, that's the most
exciting moment in Collegiate
Mastermind history, that is.

Wow, let's see that again.

Here you go, hold it, wait for
it. He's gonna clip the
podium right--

Pow. Bing.

That's gonna shave a few
points of the old GPA.

Oh, don't you know it. He is a
bleeder that little kid,
that smartie.

Ladies and gentlemen, a member
of the Whittman side has
sustained a serious injury.

Whittman has three minutes to
produce their alternate.

You're now the alternate, Eli.

If you're not on that stage in
three minutes, Whittman will
be disqualified.

I'd stay where you are, Eli. A
king always needs his castle.

Let me put it in context. How
long have you dreamed of
going to Harvard?

My whole life.

How long have you dreamed of
beating Harvard?

A couple of months.

You're gonna have to honor
the big dream, Eli.

Yeah.

Wait, what the hell
are you doing?

I mean, do you really want to
screw your school, your team
and your friends?

Get some balls, Eli, and go
out there and win it.

It's his right. How's
your brain feeling?

I can't do this.

Get out there.

I don't know what the fuck I'm
supposed to do, guys.

Things just got interesting.

Eli Pettifog, the Whittman
Hares star player just stepped
out on the stage.

That boy has not missed a
question all season long.

He has got brains.

Yes.

He's got hair.

Where the hell have you been?

You don't want to know.

Yes, we do.

Whittman has produced their
alternate, so let's resume.

BENNY (ON PHONE): Benny here.

Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Yeah?

I want to take the bet back,
the Harvard bet?

Leo, I never put the bet
through. It doesn't exist. You
should be thanking me.

Hey, Leo? You're welcome.

Thank you, Benny.

Toss up. Who said...

"A whale ship was my Yale
College and my Harvard"?

I can't, I can't.

You better.

Five seconds.

Come on, guys.

I would say Melville.
Then say it.

Herman Melville.

That is right.

For your bonus, at the time of
his death, Herman Melville
was so obscure...

the New York Times
misidentified him in
his obituary.

I know this.

What name did they use?

Henry Melville.

That is right.

Whittman! Go, Whittman!

We have a tie score.

I can't believe we're
tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.

This next question will
determine the championship.

Toss up. Iceland and England
broke off diplomatic
relations in 1976.

What dispute caused the split?

Do you know? No.

20 seconds.

Dude, come on, Eli, set
yourself free, man.

Ten seconds.

Cod? Cod!

Fishing.

Rights!

That is... right!

It's unbelievable. Harvard goes
down! Harvard goes down!

The Whittman Warring Hares are
this year's champions of the
Collegiate Mastermind.

We did it, you guys, we--

Oh, my god.

You are the greatest
unbelievable ever now!

Go to the league office and
tell them we're
getting the shaft.

They wrote a whole rule book
for moments like this.

How many stitches did you get?

Seven.

Can I take them out when
they're ready?

Yeah.

Nice brain.

You see this brain? Yeah.

My left ball is bigger
than this brain.

That's why you're so artistic.

Shauna, get in the picture.
Yeah, Shauna.

Yo, Pettifog, tell us how
awesome we are!

Stop, stop, I'll do the speech.
I'll do a speech.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I, uh... I'm afraid I have some
unpleasant business
regarding today's final.

According to Rule 324 of the
book of Collegiate
Mastermind...

An injured player cannot be
replaced with less than one
minute remaining in a match.

The team must complete the
match with two players.

Today Whittman College
broke that rule.

I'm sorry to have to tell you
that Harvard College...

is this year's Collegiate
Mastermind champion.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

We all know what
happened today.

We beat Harvard
fair and square.

But they stole it from us.

Do you know why?

Because they fear us.

We're the beautiful bums. We're
the people's champions.

So let us be history's secret.

Are you sure I can do this? I'm
not even a student yet.

Don't worry, you're with me.

Ring it.

Leo? Leo?

Where's he going?

Let's go down.

Hey, Leo! Where are you going?

Going back to being a civilian.

You're not a civilian.

Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay
for my daughter's education.

And I'm going to find an
age-appropriate fox,
and I mean that.

It's been a pleasure making bad
decisions with you.

I'll miss you, too.

Take care. Cut your hair.

Please don't cut your hair.

Of course, I won't. It
protects my brain.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Excuse me.

Uh, Miss?