All language subtitles for Family Guy - 08x18

Okay, I'm off.

Well, we knew
this day would come.

Good luck
wherever you wind up.

Take care, buddy.

Call if you want.

If not, take care
of yourself.

I'm just going away
for a few days.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah, there's a
seminar on creating...

Really? It would be
that easy for you?

- What?
- You thought I was leaving forever

and you just said,
"Good luck"?

What the hell was that?

Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.

You're just leaving
for a few days.

What do you want,
a parade?

You know what?
Never mind.

Look, Brian,
face it, you're a dog.

The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry

extended from our family,
not by any legality.

Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,

you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.

And we're prepared
for that.

Yeah, so there's this seminar

in New Haven on creating your
own Web-based Internet series.

Sounds like it could be
right up my alley.

Is this another one
of those classes

where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?

Feel good about that?

Feel good
about what you just said?

You gonna go, Brian,

or should I get
the can of pennies?

Guys, I got
some great news!

My dad's coming to visit.

- Oh-ho!
- Hide the women!

So, we're finally
gonna get to meet

the man of
a thousand chicks.

That's right. You think
I've been with a lot of broads.

My dad's had more pie
than Kirstie Alley.

What?!

Anyway, the navy
is honoring him

at this year's Naval Ball

for all his bravery
in Vietnam.

Wow, you must be proud.

Sure am. He was like a hero
to me when I was growing up.

You know who was my hero?

Aquaman... and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.

Wow, you saved our lives,
Aquaman!

Just doing my job.

Arthur Curry!

Did you see Aquaman?

He was just here!

Oh, darn,
I must've missed him.

We forgot
to tell him thanks.

Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.

Hey, guys.
Come on in.

Dad, they're here!

At ease, ladies.

Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot.

Guys, watch this.

♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪

♪ Start walking! ♪

Ha! That's my dad!

No one dances like Lieutenant
Commander Dan Quagmire.

Dad, this is Joe and Peter.

Joe and Peter!

- Which one are you?
- Peter, sir.

Look at you.

You're a chowhound,
aren't ya, Pete?

Don't want to get behind you
in the mess hall, huh?

No, sir.
No, you don't, sir.

I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.

I'll take it.

And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.

Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time

you had to eject from your plane
behind enemy lines.

And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.

This sailor needs a cosmo.

A cosmo?

Hey, it's got to be 5:00
somewhere, right?

Okay, fine. I'll make you one;
you tell a story.

He can be such a nudge.

So, anyhoo, I remember
that day like it was yesterday.

I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,

the first one
I ever got over there

that looked like anything.

So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.

And, of course,
it's the day of all days

I have to put on a helmet.

I remember the sky
was a majestic orange.

The breeze was just warm enough
that you could wear

short sleeves,
but you know, not so warm

that you break any kind of a sweat.

because let me tell you,
I do hate to perspire. It just ruins...

Oh, sorry, that's
my auto spell correct.

But, uh, yeah,
he's super gay.

Brian, it's so boring here.

When are you coming back?

I'll be back soon, Stewie.

And I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.

I'm really learning a lot.

I'll tell you all about it
when I get home, okay?

- I'll talk to you later.
- Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!

There was, um, something else
I wanted to tell you.

What?

Um, the mail came a little later
than usual today.

Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.

Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!

Did I tell you about...
that over there?

Stewie, I can't physically see
what you're pointing at.

I'm getting off now. Bye.

Well, your loss, Brian.

That thing over there
is pretty interesting.

Huh? An alien
in a grass skirt

juggling torches.

Yeah.

All right, you're
all done. Go.

Come on, Stewie.
Time for bed.

Oh, get a job!

Peter, what are
you doing home?

I thought you'd be
out on the town

with Quagmire
and his dad.

Lois, you're not gonna
believe this.

Quagmire's dad's gay.

What? Quagire never said
anything about that.

I don't think he knows.

It's like he doesn't
even notice it.

Really? Well, then how
do you know he's gay?

And a lot of little things:

the way he talks,
his mannerisms,

and he had the complete
DVD set of Sex and the City

between his butt cheeks.

Peter, no, he didn't!

No. He had the DVD set.

I was just being colorful

with the rest of it.

Well, maybe you should go
talk to Glenn about it.

I mean, especially
if he has no idea.

I guess I could,
but I don't know

if it'll do any good, Lois;
he's in complete denial,

like people
in massive debt.

Well, honey, I've extended
our line of credit

and exhausted
all our savings.

We should be good
for another month.

Oh, that's great, honey.

What are we gonna do
next month?

Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do:

shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.

I'm gonna
hold you to that.

I don't think you'll have
any control over it.

Hey, Peter,
how you doing?

Hey, Quagmire.
Um, is your dad around?

Oh, he's off at his
Stitch n' Bitch club.

I'm glad you stopped by, though,

My dad wanted me to tell you
he would be thrilled

if you and Lois would join us
as his guests at the Naval Ball.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

Um... hey, remember when
we met him the other day,

and he danced for a while?

Oh, yeah, that was
so funny, man!

- No, it... it wasn't funny.
- Oh, my God.

He's hilarious,
that guy.

It wasn't funny.
It wasn't funny. It was gay.

What?

Yeah, I think
that your father is gay.

Gay?!

We... we should
all be so gay!

Quagmire,
don't you see it?

See what?
I'll tell you what I'm seeing.

- You're jealous!
- Huh?

Yeah, your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.

Look, you'll see.

At the Navy Ball, you'll see
how much of a man he is

and how everyone
in the military respects him.

Look at this, Dad.

All of these people came out
just to honor you.

Oh, it feels good, son;
I won't lie to you.

Dan Quagmire!

Wally!
Good to see you.

This my son Glenn.

Nice to meet
you, Glenn.

You should be
very proud of your dad.

Oh, I am, sir.

It was an honor
to serve with him.

Come on, Dan,
let's get a drink.

Huh. It's great
to see you

back in your
element tonight;

surrounded by seamen.

"Seamen."

See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.

Shut up, Peter!

- Hey, you Dan's boy?
- That's right.

Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.

He flew supplies in

where others wouldn't
dare to go.

I can't tell you
how many loads

- you dad took when I served with him.
- Huh?

Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.

Everyone here
admires your dad.

He'd walk into
an army barracks

and make every private there
feel important.

Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.

Oh, God!

Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.

Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.

Your dad once drank
me under the table.

If there was one man
you wanted in your hole,

it was your dad.

Your dad had the
best penis in the military.

Okay, just stop, stop!

Everybody stop!

Dad...

are you gay?

What?

Are you gay, Dad?!

No, Glenn, I'm not gay.

Just... just tell me the truth!

I am telling you the truth.

Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.

You know how much I love balls.

All right, come on now!
That's not helping!

Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.

You promise?

I promise.

All right, I believe you.

But I am a woman trapped
in a man's body.

And while I'm in Quahog,

I plan to have
a sex-change operation.

Oh, come on.

Just be gay.

Hey, guys,
you got a minute?

Hey,
what's up, buddy?

It's, um,
it's about my dad.

He... he wants to have
a sex-change operation

Whoa! I knew he was gay.

I didn't think
he was that gay.

No, no, Peter,
he's not gay.

He's a woman stuck
in a man's body.

Yeah, gay.

It's totally different!

Sounds the same.

Well, it's not!

Okay, so he wants
to be a woman

so he can
be a lesbian?

No, he'd date men.

- Gay.
- Yeah, gay.

Okay, this is not the help
I came over here for.

Well, look, let's just all
agree that he's odd, huh?

He has an appointment Friday
with Dr. Hartman

to have the procedure,
and he wants me to go with him.

I... I just... I don't know
if I can handle that.

Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy

to come along
for moral support.

All right, but look,
here's the deal:

Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.

That's very green
of you, Peter.

- What?
- I don't know.

Lois, that doesn't make
any sense at all.

Yeah, it's something
I heard on TV.

I don't know.
Have fun at the circus.

I wonder how long
it's gonna take.

I don't know.

Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?

We should put on
some '80s music,

and then, like,
every few minutes,

have him come
out of there

as a different sex,
and we'll go...

And then like the fifth
or sixth sex,

we'll go like this...

This is not a joke,
Peter, okay?!

They're cutting off
his penis in there!

All right, all right.

I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!

Okay, okay.

What are you
gonna name it, huh?

What are you gonna name

your he/she
father/mother?

Knock it off!

Wow! That thing was on there.

How is he, Doc?
Is he all right?

No, I'm afraid not.

But she's gonna be just fine!

Oh, my God!

What do you think, boys!

♪ I'm walkin' on sunshine.
Whoa-oh! ♪

Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... his moth...

his friend are coming
over soon for dinner.

So, remember, Chris,
no staring.

And, Meg,
you know how it is

to be different,
so be very nice.

Well, hi, you guys.

I'm so glad you
could come over.

Everyone, I'd like you
to meet Ida.

Hello, everyone!

- Hello, Ida.
- What's up?

I made a crumble.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Throw it away
in the outside garbage.

Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.

I'll say it. So, Ida,
you miss your penis?

- Peter!
- Thank you for asking it.

- Jeez.
- No, it's okay.

It's a perfectly
normal question.

We can't sit here and just
pretend everything's the same.

It is a big transition
for me, yes.

But the answer is,
I still have it.

They just turn it inside out
to simulate a vagina.

Come on, Dad...

Not a bad option
to have in the back pocket.

So, Lois, wh... what
is this meal?

Wow... so good.

Oh, thank you, Glenn.

It's nothing fancy.

Just chicken with rosemary.

But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.

Yeah, we went down the list.

Nothing with wieners,
nuts or grapes.

Out of respect.

Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.

Where do you buy
your clothes?

Oh, how sweet.

Well, I love Anne Klein.

Oh, I'll have
to try them.

I like the outfit
you have on.

Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?

Wow.

You just burned your last friend
in this room, lady.

This corn is special.

So tell me about
those knockers.

Are we...? Are those...?

Is that just like,
r... implants

or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?

All right, I'm out of here.

I wonder if I could
push mine inside.

Oh, my God, it worked.
It's gone!

I can't believe...
Oh, no, it's back.

Well, that was quite
a performance.

My performance?
What about you?

Golly, Lois,
where do you shop?

"Gee, your house
looks beautiful.

Hey, I have
an inside-out penis."

I never said their
house looks beautiful.

Because, frankly,
it didn't.

My dad, my dad, talking
about decorating

and women's clothing?

All I've talked about for years
with these people

is what a war hero you were.

And I was.

I'm changing my future,
not my past.

Oh, yeah?
What about my future, huh?

I don't even know
what to call you.

My dad? My other mother?

My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?

What about Ida?

Aw.

No, man, you know,
this is too hard.

You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.

I... I... I don't know
if I can do this.

I understand.

I had the advantage of thinking
about this for years.

For me it was easy:
Do I want to be happy

the rest of my
life or miserable?

So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.

I see.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Oh, boy, nice
to be back home.

Those seminars
can wear you out.

Wow, did you say,
"Web-based Internet series?"

- No.
- Oh, my bad.

Great... idea... for one...

Where am I taking
you again?

You know what?
Drop me off at the Marriott.

I could use a drink.

Jack on the rocks, please.

Hey, here's to exciting,
new opportunities on the Internet.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.

Oh, no, it's not you.

I'm... I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.

You know, kids.

Ah. Does not... come...
with a manual.

So, wha... you're doing
something with the Internet?

I am, I am.

Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.

Wow, I could
never be a writer.

How do you do it?

Well, you see,
when I watch the world go by,

I think of it kind of
like a huge screen.

You know, every little interaction,
every little moment

is another scene captured
by this camera.

That's fascinating.

Oh, yeah.

Brian.

Ida.

Two more, please.

So I finally tell them,

"Hey, I came here to be
at the seminar, not run it."

- That's... Oh.
- Mm.

Hmm.

You know, we are in a hotel.

And I'm in room 406.

Go on ahead, I'll settle up.

Put it on 406.

- Well, look who's home.
- Hey, buddy.

How was the seminar?

Oh, it was terrific.
The first day we were there...

Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after good or bad.

You know what, fine.

You... you guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.

I am in too good a mood.

I met an amazing woman;
Finally, the whole package.

Oh, you met her
at the seminar?

No, that's just it... it was
right here in town last night.

She's a classy,
smart, beautiful lady.

Look, I took
a picture of her.

See.

Uh...

Wha... Is... is...?

Um...

I...

Here, Lois, take a look.

Oh, my God!

This is the best
day of my life!

You know what?

You're just jealous
'cause I found a real woman.

Oh, hey, Brian.

Hey.

Not to worry, I called in,

and a new cell phone should be
here for you in three business days.

- What? Why?
- Well, clearly, yours is broken.

Because I haven't
heard from you.

I wanted to tell
you about my week.

God... Doesn't anyone
in this house

care about anyone
but themselves?

Hey, Brian,
how was the seminar?

Meg, please.

I'm serious, Stewie.

I've had an amazing
few days and nobody cares.

Oh, come on in.
Come on in.

Tell old Stew.

Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.

I absorbed so much.

And then I get back here
last night,

and I meet an incredible woman.

You know, I've heard the phrase
soul mate for years,

and I never got it
till last night.

Well, I've got a woman story for you
that you're not gonna believe.

Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero,

Lieutenant Commander Dan
Quagmire, is now a woman.

You're kidding.

No. Total sex change.

- That is hysterical.
- I know, huh?

Suck on that, Quagmire.

Yeahit's, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.

Oh, my God, what...
wha... what does it look like?

You know, not half bad.

Nothing you'd look
twice at, but not bad.

Oh, my God, that... you know,
that is a tough road ahead.

I mean, like,
what do those people do

as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?

I don't know.

I mean, it's got to be
a train wreck down there, right?

I mean, just... just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.

Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.

No. They had a fight;
she's staying at the Marriott.

- Aw, damn, I was just there.
- Really?

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the
lobby and didn't even know.

Oh, no, you'd know.

Aw, man, what...
what do we call him now?

We... Do we still
call him Dan?

No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.

What is it...
like Danielle or Dana?

No, Ida.

Oh, what?! What the hell?!
What's wrong with you?!

- I had sex with her!
- What?!

I had sex with her
at the Marriott!

Why?!

I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!

Oh, my God!

How does this happen?

When they move to a new place,

they're supposed to notify
the neighborhood.

That's how it works!

He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!

Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?

Listen, I... I feel awful about
the things I said last night.

I was selfish.

Aw, you weren't selfish.

I realize I put a lot on you.

I was wrong to just assume

that you would understand
and be able to accept this.

But, trust me, I had been
unhappy for a long, long time.

Wow.

Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.

You're my dad.

And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I love you.

I love you, too, Glenn.

Glenn?

Sorry, sorry.

Damn thing can't
tell the difference.

Oh, dear...

Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,

I have some news.

Tell me. Tell me.

I met someone.

What? You did?

Oh, my God, Glenn,
he's amazing.

I couldn't be happier.

Really? What's his name?

No!

Where is he?!

Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?!

Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!

You're dead!

If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,

I'll blow your head off!

Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!

Hey.

I (bleeped) your dad.