All language subtitles for A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

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Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

It's a loverly, loverly spring

Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

Spring is the springiest time
For a song

It's a loverly, loverly spring

In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day--

I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.

The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.

If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,

I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theater number two.

However, if you like stories
about clever

and reasonably attractive orphans,

suspicious fires,
carnivorous leeches,

Italian food
and secret organizations,

then stay

as I retrace each and every one

of the Baudelaire children's
woeful steps.

My name is Lemony Snicket,

and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.

Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,

was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.

Anyone who knew Violet well could
tell she was inventing something

when her long hair was tied up
in a ribbon.

In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,

Violet knew there
was always something.

Something she could fashion
into nearly any device

for nearly every occasion.

And no one was better
to test her inventions

than her brother.

Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,
loved books.

Or, rather, the things he learned
from books.

The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.

A room filled with thousands
of books on nearly every subject.

And nothing pleased Klaus more

than spending an afternoon filling up
his head with their contents.

And everything he read
he remembered.

Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.

She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.

There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.

Sunny was at an age when one
mostly speaks

in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

For instance:

Which probably meant,

''Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog. ''

Or perhaps,

''What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing

trudging thorough the sand
to find us at Briny Beach?''

Children,

I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.

I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

that's destroyed your entire home.

If you have ever lost someone
very important to you,

then you already know how it feels.

And if you haven't,

you cannot possibly imagine it.

No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.

My colleagues and I
have investigated the best we can.

But all we've discovered
is that the blaze

was started from a great distance

through the refraction
and convergence of light.

And within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.

And as mysterious as the source
of the blaze,

other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.

Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened.

But as Klaus now realized,

the smallest discovery would send
his mind reeling with questions.

What was this spyglass hidden
in his father's desk?

Were there other secrets about their
parents' lives yet to be revealed?

Questions he now feared
might never be answered.

And just like that,

the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.

I tried to warn you.

This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theater,

Iiving room or airplane
where this film is being shown.

It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.

Yes. Come with me.

Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management

and the executor of
your parents' estate,

it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age

and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.

So I'm taking you to live
with your dear Count Olaf,

who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.

I don't think that's what ''closest''
is supposed to mean.

We don't know a Count Olaf.

Yes, yes, of course you do.

He's either your third cousin
four times removed

or your fourth cousin
three times removed.

And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?

You should count yourselves
lucky, children.

This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.

Here we are, your new home.

Isn't it lovely, children?

Oh, hello.

You must be the Baudelaires.

Hi.

I was so sorry to hear
about the accident,

but so happy to hear
you were coming here.

Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.

I'm Violet. And this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do?

Lovely.

Your house is so beautiful.

Thank you.

Please don't be strangers.
You come visit me anytime you like.

- Visit?
- You mean,

you don't live with Count Olaf?

Live with--? With Count Olaf? No.

No, no, no, no. He's--
He's my neighbor.

Entrood.

Haven't got all day. In you go.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

I am your beloved Count Olaf.

And welcome to my loverly home.

May you find solace within
the womblike warmth of its. . .

. . .downy plume.

Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say:

Orphanis. . .

. . .encribo. . .

. . .something, something, something.

Music builds to a crescendo
Ending on the right foot

And strike a Fosse.

Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.

My dear. . .

. . .Violet.

Enchant�.

How do you do?

And this must be Klaus.

Young Klaus.

Your left side is the good one.

And. . .

. . .what is this?

I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

Banana.

Sunny's our sister.

I must say, you're a gloomy-looking
bunch. Why so glum?

Our parents just died.

Oh, yes, of course.
How very, very awful.

Wait, let me do that one more time.

Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

Our parents just. . .

. . .died?

Oh, yes.

Mr. Poe. . .

. . .I will raise these orphans

as if they were actually wanted.

And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,

you are mistaken, sir.

And should be ashamed of yourself.

The idea.

Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortu--? I mean. . .

. . .children.

You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing on Thursday morning.

And what am I to do with them
until then?

Excuse me?

What I mean is. . .

Do you work out? You look good.
Healthy, I mean.

Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

A glass of port? Sanka?

- Well, I suppose I could--
- Another time, then.

Children, if you need anything,
do feel free--

Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine.

Any questions be--

I realize that my humble abode

isn't as fancy
as the Baudelaire mansion,

but I'm coming into a great deal
of money soon,

and I think it'll be

quite charming when it's finished.

Shall we take a look?

This is the living room.

The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking:

''This place could use a little TLC.''

I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.

I'm told the ceiling can be brought
up to code in no time.

You're not afraid of heights, are you?

Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.

My theater.

This way.

What's that up there?

The tower. . .

. . .which you are never to enter. . .

. . .under any circumstances.

And this is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.

- But the sun's still up.
- ''But the sun's still up.''

I don't know
if you've ever noticed this,

but first impressions
are often entirely wrong.

For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.

But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.

A phrase which here means,
''fetching and biting for hours on end. ''

In the case of Count Olaf, however. . .

Orphans!

. . . they were correct.

Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires

to do a great number
of terrible chores.

After which he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.

And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,

it was only about to get worse.

--tub full of ice in Baja,

and I realized that these clever girls
had stolen my kidney.

- No!
- No!

Imagine my surprise.

Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

Acting troupe, orphans.

They don't look rich.

Ugly little people.

Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?

Dinner?

It's the French word
for the evening meal.

On the back. Flip it.

We'll take it in the dining room
at 8:00.

And we'll expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.

- But we've never made dinner before.
- It's already 7:30.

Eight o'clock!

Pasta it is.

Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

Now,

who shall play

the most handsome count
in all the world?

Would you do it, sir?

Oh, all right.

''Pasta puttanesca.'' That's ltalian
for ''very few ingredients,'' you know.

That's great.

Sunny. Little help.

- Okay, we're gonna need a pot.
- No pot.

- And a strainer.
- No strainer.

Thank you.

And a saucepan.

This is a little piece I like to call
''Electric Chair.''

I think you might have to turn it up.

Is anybody out there?!

Strainer. That's brilliant.

Sunny, how's that pot coming?

Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.

A spittoon? You mean, like. . .?

We'll wash it twice.

Well?

It's good. It's really good.

Time check.

Let's go back to prehistoric times,

when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

What do you want?

Dinner is served.

Puttanesca.

What did you call me?

It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca.

Where's the roast beef?

Roast beef?

Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

It's the Swedish term for beef
that is roasted.

But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.

You know, there's a big world out there
filled with desperate orphans

who would gladly swim across
an ocean of thumbtacks

just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.

But I don't care about them.

I chose to open my heart

to you two loverly children

and your hideous primate.

All I ask in return is that you do each
and every thing that pops into my head

while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.

- No.
- Why, you litt--

It's time you children learned
a little respect.

You put her down!

You monster!

You all saw it. The boy slipped.

You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.

Oh, really?

Says who?

The law. Look it up.

We're going to call Mr. Poe
about this right now.

Are you?

I'm very disappointed
in you, children.

Where were we?

Are you okay?

No.

Klaus, what are you doing?

- I'm going.
- Going where?

Home.

This is our home now.

This is not home.

Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night.

Where they teach you to ride a bike.

Or where they get all choked up
on your first day of school.

This is not home.

How could they do this to us?

They're just bad people.

Not them. Mom and Dad.

- Klaus!
- What?

Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they?

They had no plan for us at all?

Well, maybe they did have a plan.

Well, sure looks like it to me.

Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

And we thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.

Then we found out they'd written
a long letter.

It had just gotten lost in the mail.

Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?

This is just like that.

No, it's not.

Why?

Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.

Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?

''Sanctuary''

is a word which here means, ''a small,
safe place in a troubling world. ''

Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.

The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they'd built together.

I see it. I see it.

But in their hearts they knew that
the troubling world lay just outside.

A world which, I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.

Custody granted.

Thank you, Your Honor.
Nice doing business with you.

Children, I've been contemplating
our situation,

and I realize that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say.

Which in this case is a big,
big word meaning--

Pure evil.

--tough, but fair.

But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.

I can be the ultimate dad.

I know. Let's stop for a treat.

Soda. Soda. Banana.

Got it.

Violet, where'd the locks go?

Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country

with my kids, whom I love.

Is that clock correct?

What is it?

I think it's a schedule.

Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favorite.

Go!

- He took the keys.
- Try everything.

Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing--

Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

I'm calling you back about
that inheritance question you raised.

- Mr. Poe, thank goodness.
- Who is this?

It's Violet Baudelaire.
We're in Count Olaf's car.

Oh, hello, Violet.
Well, where's Count Olaf?

He's not here right now, but--

You're driving the car alone?

No. We're-- The car's on the train
tracks, and the train is coming.

I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!

We're going to be hit by a train.

Right. Yes. I can't hear
because of the train!

I'll call you back when I get
to the bank! Goodbye!

Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?

The track switcher.

There!

It's too far away.

No. There has to be something
we can use to pull it.

- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.

Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

Quick, pull it back in.

- Violet.
- I got it.

I don't mean to rush you.

- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.

Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we
discuss this like reasonable men?

I'm sorry, Count Olaf.

Allowing a child of Sunny's age
to drive a car

is simply not good parenting.

He tried to kill us.

Let us not exaggerate, Klaus.
The vehicle was not even in gear.

May I have a moment
alone with the children?

Goodbye, kids.

It's been fun.

I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go,

no matter what you do, I'll find you.

You are so deceased.

Take them, Mr. Poe. . .

. . .before I lose it, bigtime.

Trumping a talentless villain

might seem all in a day's work
for three ingenious orphans.

But the Baudelaires
savored their victory

as they sped
towards their new home.

What lay ahead for them
was unclear,

but they remained
cautiously optimistic

that their next guardian would be
better than the last.

Or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.

Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?

No, I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements for you three.

I didn't have time for chitchat.

Hello!

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you. You must be Violet.

Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so.

You were just a little baby
at the time.

And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you d--?

What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.

And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look
so much like your dear mother.

Thank you very much, Mr. Poe.
I'll take it from here.

Oh, perhaps I should come inside.

Oh, by all means.

You could help us pick out
the gut worms

from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

Children, remember,
if you need me anytime,

you can reach me by phone or fax.

Good day.

Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

Come in. Come in. There's not
much time, and we have to pack.

Pack?

Did you say ''pack''?

Oh, yes. We have to pack
all the equipment.

Then there's the essentials,
like clothing and such.

And we have to tag all of the snakes
who are coming with us.

Coming where?

Oh, did I mention we're going
to Peru?

- No.
- Yes, we're going to Peru.

Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?

This way to the Reptile Room.

Welcome to my humble abode.

You children know anything
about snakes?

Only what I've read in books.

No, not very much.

Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.

I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and
introduce you to a few of me friends.

Over here. . .

That's the two-headed cobra.

Well spotted.

Is that a he or a she?

I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.

And over here,
the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad.

We can't stop this fellow chanting.
Om. Ribbit.

And now, children, you have
to see my latest discovery.

Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The lncredibly Deadly Viper.

My assistant, Gustav, and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.

Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

Let me just adjust it here.

Right.

There we are.

Now,

where was I?

Oh, yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

Not to worry, little one.
You're all right.

It can't possibly harm you.
Here we go.

The lncredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have possibly harmed her?

No. No, no, no, no.

It's a big softy.

One of the least harmful
and most friendly creatures

in the animal kingdom.

It's a misnomer.

I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts

down at the Herpetological Society.

Uncle Monty,
why are we going to Peru?

Just this morning I was wondering,

''How are we all going to get
out of town together?''

And I thought, ''Peru.''
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

But why are we getting out of town?

Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?

Few people do.

When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place

that is quiet, safe, remote.

A sanctuary.
Where it can feel out of danger.

That's why Peru.

Wait, that spyglass.
I saw one just like that in our dad's--

Plenty of time for chitchat later.

But right now, what I need
is an inventor,

a reader

and a biter.

Know any?

High upon Highlands
And low upon Tay

Bonnie George Campbell
Rode out on a day

Saddled and bridled
So gallant rode he

Home came his good horse
But never came he

Petunia, what have I told you
about this?

She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

I think I know that song. I think-- I think
our parents used to play it for us.

They certainly did. As I did for mine.

- You had children?
- Oh, yes.

And a wife and a home.

Until the fire.

A fire?

I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.

But it's gonna be all right.

We'll be among people who
understand us. People who are like us.

People who appreciate
unique children

who can read and invent
and bite things.

Uncle Monty, why are you doing
all this for us?

Isn't that what family does?

''And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru

and together had
wonderful adventures

with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.

The end. ''

These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.

Oh, I would give anything
to say that the story ends here.

But alas, my mission is
not to weave happy endings

where they do not occur
but to report the actual events

in the lives of the unfortunate
Baudelaire children.

And as much as it pains me,

I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun.

And it did so with two musical notes.

Hello.

I am looking
for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

I am Stephano. I am an ltalian man,

and I am here to assist him
in his research as best I can.

As well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.

You're Count Olaf.

Now, why would you say
something like that?

I have never met such a person
as a Count Olaf,

but if I had,

I'm sure he would look and sound
completely different.

You're Olaf,
and we're not letting you in.

Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate
your hypothesis.

Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.

Words of wisdom indeed,
Mr. Stephano.

Oops, you caught me being
a mentor.

And bless you for coming
at such short notice.

Not at all, not at all.

My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.

He'd give anything
to be here right now.

Thank goodness you were available.

Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.

Your work has profoundly influenced
my research

up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. . .

. . .on the sea snake.

It's a very volatile animal.

- Perhaps we should--
- I've been bitten 43. . . 700 times.

Mostly on the face.

A lot of this has been reconstructed.

But I think they did one heck of a job,

even though my mustache
is a tad askew.

I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.

My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.

- But of course. Children--
- Uncle Monty--

Please. Let us not be rude
to our guest.

Now, go on.

What's he up to?

I don't know.

There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive.

But the timing
of Olaf's reappearance,

just when Dr. Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,

was almost more
than Klaus could bear.

Violet, listen to me.

Monty's spyglass. I saw
the exact same one in Dad's desk.

- Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
- Violet, no.

Everything happens for a reason.

Now, the children will be helping us
extensively with the research in Peru.

Do you have experience
with children?

Children are strange
and foreign to me.

I never really was one.

I know that they are
an important part of the ecosystem.

He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.

We've gotta get a message to him.

Leave that to me.

I was feeding the moray,

and of course, I got cocky.

And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes, is one time.

Just once.

I had the kipper in my mouth,
and I offered it.

And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.

They were filming the whole thing.

And, well, a lot of people don't
know this about the moray,

but you think, you know, ''This can't be
a tremendously strong animal.''

I mean, sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,

but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?

Anyway, long story short,

the bends,
a reconstructive surgery. . .

But yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.

The beaches. The people.

The relaxed guardianship laws.

Relaxed guardianship laws?

Did I say that?

Darn neurotoxins.

Oh, Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.

- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.

Petunia. Well, the milking. . .
Now, see, what I was--

Could I just. . .?

Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

Now, they used to call me Old
MacDonald up at the milking lab there,

because I'd milk these things
all day long.

But the little udders
are hard to locate.

Anyway, why don't you take that

and go ahead and start the party
without me, and then. . .

I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.

Is he still watching?

Yes.

Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

Okay.

I got your message.
Don't worry. I know.

- You do?
- Yes.

A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.

And did you see the way he kept
glancing into my satchel,

where I keep
the exotic snake venoms?

You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.

Yes.

He's a spy from
the Herpetological Society.

He's here to steal
the lncredibly Deadly Viper.

- No.
- No. Uncle Monty--

Darn. All finished. I was
so looking forward to the milking.

Isn't it about time you kids
went to bed?

Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.

Off you go.

Good night.

Oh, and if you kids should get
restless during the night,

I'm right down the hall,
and I'm a very light sleeper.

In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

Do you have a hall pass?

I didn't think so.

Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

You're such a good girl, aren't you?

Such a pretty girl.

You are. Yes, you are.

Oh, yes, you are.

It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.

Uncle Monty?

It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark

and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.

Your foot falls down through the air,

and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.

Uncle Monty?

The children's grief
was not only for their uncle

but for that tender hope that they
may have found home again.

A hope which, thanks to a villainous
actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.

I should've taken it upon myself
to warn him

that the lncredibly Deadly Viper

is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.

I should know. I discovered it.

You what?

Detective?

Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking, ''Who woke me up
at 9 in the morning for this?''

It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.

Snake bite, no question about it.
Thanks, doc.

You don't understand, the lncredibly
Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him,

because it's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures

in the animal kingdom.

You mind if I skip the paperwork
on this?

I think that'd be best. These kids
have been through a major upheaval.

I wonder if it's a good idea, even,
to change their plans at this point.

We were headed for Peru tomorrow,

- and the tickets are nonrefundable.
- No.

Doc, what do you think?

Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.

Closure. Thank you, doc.

From interviews with witnesses
who were there that day,

I have learned the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan:

Brave Sunny started here

and approached
the Incredibly Deadly Viper

with single-minded determination.

No, he's Count Olaf,
and that doctor is his accomplice.

He tried to kill us with a train.

- And where would this man get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?

Children, that's enough
of this foolishness.

Mr. Stephano bears absolutely
no resemblance to Count Olaf.

Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

Count Olaf is their old guardian,
who made an error in judgment.

What about the tattoo? Count Olaf
had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.

Anything for the kids.

Voil�! Spick-and-span.

Well, he's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.

Doctor, I wonder if you
could help me escort

- these young children to the vehicle.
- No. Mr. Poe--

- No, Mr. Poe!
- I'll send you a postcard.

About one thing,
all the witnesses agreed.

The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,

it still haunts them to this day.

Damn it. This was
such a good character.

Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune

Rest assured, children, the authorities
are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano,

from his eyebrowless forehead
to his untattooed ankle.

The ltalian fiend.

Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,

the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Count Olaf

as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.

He knew there was something
beneath their journey,

even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,

the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.

Aunt Josephine?

Never heard of her.

Does it strike you as odd that none
of our relatives are related to us?

Aunt Josephine?

Baudelaires? Is that you?

Yes.

Oh, good.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

Hurricane Herman
is about to arrive at any time now.

Oh, Violet. Look at you.

Hello.

Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

- What? What?
- What's the matter?

Not that quickly. You could trip
over the welcome mat

and decapitate yourselves.

So, quickly, but not too quickly,
all right?

I'm sorry it's so chilly in here.

Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.

Would you like me to turn the radiator
up for you, Aunt Josephine?

Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.

Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.

Just push on the wood of the door,
and it'll open.

Why?

Well, I'm always afraid
that the doorknobs

will shatter into a million tiny pieces,

and one of them will hit my eye.

''Delmo'' is not a word.

I can see that I'm going to have to
teach her proper English.

Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?

- Most definitely.
- I love grammar.

Perfect. Nice hot soup.

Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

I never cook anything hot.

I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.

Where's your brother?

The kitchen.

Klaus?

What are you doing?

Napkins.

Napkins are here. Come away from
the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

All right.

Everyone, would you like
to see some pictures?

Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

Is this lke?

Wasn't he handsome?

All the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.

You tamed lions?

Oh, I was quite adventurous
when lke was alive.

Uncle Monty?
You knew Uncle Monty?

No. That's not a good picture of me.

Wait, is. . .? Is that our parents?

Was this some sort of club?

Why do you all have
these spyglasses?

I don't like the way I look
in that picture.

Did lke die in a fire?

No, no, no, no. Silly child, no.

He was eaten by leeches.

Come, I'll show you.

Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it will impale you.

Ike and I explored every cove and inlet
of Lake Lachrymose,

from Horrid Harbor,

all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

And near that rock is
where the leeches attacked.

Lachrymose leeches have six rows

of very sharp teeth,
and one very sharp nose.

They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.

And if they smell food,
they will swarm.

I told him, ''lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water.''

But. . .

. . .he only waited 45 minutes,

and. . .

I apologize, children.

Klaus!

That area is private.
That was lke's room.

Oh, God, I hate it here.

Well, Aunt Josephine,
have you ever thought

of maybe moving someplace else?

Maybe if you moved away from Lake
Lachrymose you might feel better.

I could never,

never, never, never sell this house.

I'm terrified of realtors.

There are two kinds of fears:

rational and irrational.

Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.

Is this a bad time?

We gotta get her out of the house.

Watch out for those avocados. The pit
could become lodged in our throats.

And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.

Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.

The black plague!
Is it the black plague?

No, that there was all my fault.

Tell you what, can't tell you
how sorry I is

for running into your sister there
like that.

Aunt Josephine, this--

Couple of right beauties
you are, mum.

Especially you.

Aunt Josephine--

But allow me to introduce meself.

No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

- This--
- ''Klaus and me.''

It doesn't matter. This is--

Doesn't matter?

Are you jigging me, girl?

Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings
of an expert fisherman,

but grammar is the number-one
most important thing

in this here world to me.

It is?

It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit and caboodle.

Why, without your good grammar,

the whole darn shooting match
could go arse over tea kettle.

Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

I can flip it up and rub it down too.

Of course, that would be entirely
up to you, mum.

Captain Sham. . .

. . .at your service.

He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

That horrible man you warned me
about? Where? Who?

- Right in front of you.
- Where's he at?

- Behind Captain Sham?
- No.

I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give
him the old ''wax on, wax off,'' me son.

Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

I'm not going through this again.

Children of the corn!

Klaus!

Why did you do this
to this poor man?

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

That's gonna smart in the morning.

Oh, I don't pay that no
never mind, mum.

He's just a boy barely
out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

I've had to deal with that sort of thing

ever since me leg was chewed off
by the Lachrymose leeches.

Why didn't I wait an hour before
swimming? Why? Why? Why?

The leeches took my husband too.

Get out of town.

No, really.

By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed
me to a life of hopping, they did.

Sure, I get the good parking spots,

but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?

I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

Oh, Captain Sham.

Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?

- No!
- No!

Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.

I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.

Well, I will lay down newspapers.

Please, the children are going to make
a lovely dinner of puttanesca.

The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!

Oh, my goodness. Well, children,
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

And you stay here and shop for
an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.

- But--
- ''But'' is not a sentence, Klaus.

Aunt Josephine.

Hey, you haven't paid for that.

Kids today.

Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Josephine?

Are you here?

Aunt Jo?

Are you here?

Aunt Josephine?

Oh, no.

No.

We're too late.

We're too late.

What does it say?

It's a suicide note.

''Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time
you read this, my life will be at its end.

My heart is as cold as lke,
and I find life inbearable.''

''lnbearable''?

Go on.

''l know you children may not
understand the sad life of a dowadg--''

''Dowager'' has one D.

It doesn't matter. Keep going.

''--or what would have led to this
desperate akt.'' ''Act'' is spelled with a C.

It's a suicide note.
Why are you checking spelling?

She said her greatest joy in life
was grammar.

Why is she making
all these mistakes?

If you were about to jump
out a window,

you might make
a few spelling mistakes too.

''Please know that
I am much happier this way.

As my last will and testament, I leave
you three in the care of Captain Sham,

a kind and honorable man.''

That was his plan.
He made her write this note,

and then he pushed her
out the window.

No. It's not a suicide note.
It's a message.

It's not supposed to be ''lke,''
it's supposed to be ''ice.'' C.

And ''unbearable'' with a U.

All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

She's not dead. She's hiding.

Curdled Cave?

Sunny!

He was investigating fires.

Klaus, we gotta go.

Come away from the fridge.

What?

If it falls, it could crush you flat.

No way.

Is it over?

Violet, you better tie your hair up.

Violet, ideas?

Bring me that fire extinguisher.

Why?

Because we need to move
this anchor over there.

- What?
- Just help me.

On three, we're gonna
break that beam.

- Break it?
- Yes.

- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.

Are you sure you tied your hair
tight enough?

On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. Hold on, Sunny.

Now!

What do we do now?

She's alive. We have to go
to the authorities.

- No.
- What?

- They won't listen. They never listen.
- Violet!

It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.

Hey, you kids.

It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.

You just stay where you're at,
and we'll come where you're to.

Ever read any books on sailing?

Klaus had read exactly 15 books on
sailing and two books on meteorology.

But it is one thing to do something
in theory,

another to do it in practice.

Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave

at the hands of an angry
and ill-humored lake.

But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,

the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.

A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.

They had made it.

And if their guardian
could not rescue them,

then they would rescue
their guardian.

Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Josephine?

Are you in here?

Aunt Josephine!

Oh, children.

You did it! You deciphered
the clues in my note.

We're so glad you're okay.

It was so horrible.

Count Olaf forced me
to write that will,

and then it nearly killed me to add in
all those grammatical errors.

So did you bring groceries?

Groceries?
We just came through a storm.

Well, so? How do you expect us
to live in this cave

if you didn't bring any food?

Live in the cave?

No, no, no. Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.

You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're the only proof we have it's a lie.

No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too
dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.

Too dangerous? You're our guardian.
You're supposed to take care of us.

I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.

So?

So before too long, people
are gonna come to look at it.

And some of those people
will be realtors.

Aunt Josephine,

what does this mean?

Where did you find that?

I found it in lke's room.

The fires.

Why was he investigating fires?

We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and. . .

Our parents.

They were our leaders.

Children,

there are good people
and bad people in the world.

The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.

Who's doing this?

Is it Olaf?

I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer to that,

and look what happened to them.

Our parents? What did they say?

We should never have left that cave.

It's not too late for us
to turn around now,

and I'll just take my chances
with the realtors.

Aunt Josephine,

what did our parents say?

We're going to die.

- What?
- It's the leeches!

I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while then.

Aunt Josephine!

There's a crack in the boat!

Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!

We're sinking, sinking, sinking.

- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.

Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.

There's a boat.
Over here! Over here!

But as unpleasant
as Lachrymose leeches can be,

there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.

Hello, hello, hello.

I missed you guys.

Looks like you could use
a little assistance.

You're gonna need assistance
when we get back to town.

Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone
what happened.

Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,

and you'll live happily ever after
with a friendly guardian,

spending your time inventing things
and reading books

and sharpening
your little monkey teeth.

And bravery and nobility
will prevail at last.

And this wicked world
will slowly but surely become

a place of cheerful harmony.

And everyone will be singing
and dancing and giggling

Iike the Littlest Elf.

A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?

Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.

You're not gonna touch
Aunt Josephine.

She'll tell everyone what happened.

No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody
anything. I promise.

Please don't throw me
to the leeches.

You can have the fortune.
You can have the children.

Aunt Josephine!

Please.

Welcome aboard. Hot potato.

I'll go away. I'll dye my hair.
I'll change my name.

- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.

- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.

On the other hand, with that little stunt
of yours at the window,

you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.

But. . .

. . .I could show a little mercy.

''Haven't.''

What?

You said ''hadn't.'' That's bad grammar.
You should've said,

''You haven't been
a very trustworthy person.''

Thank you for correcting me.

Not at all.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!

- Aunt Josephine.
- You can't--

- Aunt Josephine. Aunt--
- Aunt Josephine. Jump!

Well, you get the picture.

Aunt Josephine.

Well, we've done all we can do.

Everybody be cool.

Children? Is that you?

Mr. Poe! We're--

Drowning.

I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!

Back to the depths,
you fingery devils.

You will not devour
this boy's head today.

Count Olaf?
What are you doing here?

Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf,
what are you doing here, man?

I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.

But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.

Even if I'm not. . .

. . .fit to be their guardian.

It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.

- No!
- No.

You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.

And I would be remiss
in my responsibility

if I did not place the children
with you immediately.

- Why, if it weren't for you, the--
- Don't say it!

I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.

Even the thought
of the massive inheritance

would be a constant reminder
of my heartache.

Well, well, there's no need
to fret about that.

The law clearly states that you
would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune

if anything happened to the children.

Say what?

No, no. With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.

Really?

Mr. Poe,

have I told you about our new play?

Critic.

Critic!

Cape, sir.

Don't try to get on my good side.

What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?

He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married,

they're entitled to any money
that either of them has.

No, but it's just a play. He can't get
our fortune by marrying me in a play.

Can't l?

Conspirators. ''Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die.''

In order to be a valid marriage,

it has to be administered
by a bona fide justice of the peace.

It says so right here.

Justice Strauss, are you ready
for your debut?

Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.

You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?

No, Justice Strauss, you don't
understand. The play is real.

Yes! Yes.

It must be real. That's why I cast you.

All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper--

What's the word I'm looking for?

- Hair?
- Hands?

Verisimilitude.

Now, remember, Justice Strauss,

you must say the words exactly
as you would in a real wedding.

Get it absolutely right. There are
talent scouts in the audience

Iooking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.

Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God.

Take her to makeup.

Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.

This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.

She can if she has the permission
of her guardian.

And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!

Look it up, bookworm.

Yes. Once you say ''l do''
and sign the marriage certificate,

you'll really be my loverly bride.

You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions

and clip my thick, yellow toenails.

Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.

I'll never say ''l do.'' Never.

I think you might. . .

. . .once you look up there.

Let her go!

Gladly. Let her go.

- No!
- Put a hold on that.

If you don't say ''l do,''

or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,

I say one word into this,

and down will come baby,
cradle and all.

Clang!

How could you? She's an infant.

Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

Violet.

You're 1 4 years old.

You should know by now that you
can't have everything you want.

You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?

A place to call your own
and all that jazz?

And what about what I want?

I want that enormous fortune

and for all investigations
against me to cease.

You're going to help me
get what I want. . .

. . .tonight.

My public awaits.

Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together

for The Marvelouse Marriage.

No. You're not gonna
go through with this.

I have to.

No, come on.
There's always something.

There's always something.

No, not this time.

But. . .

Camel, you're on.

- Go, Klaus.
- Violet.

Go!

Move your hump, camel. You're on.

Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world

Nothing
Nothing

What a marvelous day
for a marriage.

If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.

With his full head of hair
and great bravery,

the count has no equal.

What would Violet do?

The courageous battle
has waylaid him.

There's always something.
There's always something.

And a quiet, bald-headed suitor

has stolen the bride's affections.

Alas. The groom is a cad.

And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.

If only for a miracle.

Some way for the handsome count
to come and save. . .

What a thoroughly unmarvelous
marriage this will be.

But wait.

What is that?

It's the count, in his autogiro.

I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.

Yes, it is l, come to marry my bride.

And you, sir, have been taken
by surprise.

Caution. This next scene could get
pretty graphic.

Away, rapscallion!

Hairless Lothario!

Take that. And that.

Can I get some slack?

Let the wedding begin.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Do you, Count Olaf,

take this to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

Until death,

I most certainly do.

Do you, Violet Baudelaire,

take this--? Count Olaf

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

Justice Strauss, l--

I do.

- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.

- Are you thinking that?
- No, she doesn't.

- Now, all that is left. . .
- Sunny?

. . .is for this happy couple to sign
the marriage certificate,

and this union shall be--

Official

and legal.

Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.

Right hand, please.

Children, I'm afraid
I must inform you

of an extremely unfortunate event.

I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

that's destroyed your entire home.

These things don't just happen.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Look what I did
to your pretty little home.

Let's finish here.

Boss.

What is it? Kind of busy right now.

We've got a problem.

Where are you?

Look up.

Hi!

And so concludes our play!

No, wait, it wasn't a play!

Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with the marriage.

Ridiculous.

No, you have to listen to me.

He was only marrying me to get
to the Baudelaire fortune.

No, that part is true, actually.

What?

Violet and I are indeed
a blissfully wedded couple,

because, you see,

we were married
in an official ceremony,

with official and legal vows

in front of a bona fide
justice of the peace.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

I'm sorry! I didn't know!

First order of business,

put the other two brats
up for adoption, separately,

into the far corners of the earth.

These children are meddlesome
when they're together.

- Mr. Poe!
- You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

For what?

For being a greedy monster!

Come on.

Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?

You're the monster.

Come on. Come on.

These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

No one ever listens to children.

- Come on.
- Do you think you're innocent?

You're accomplices.

This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.

Come on!

And there's nothing you can do
about it!

What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.

Hey, marriage is no picnic.

Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.

Now, now,

Iet's keep our heads here.

If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.

Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.

Guilty.

I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf
was captured,

for crimes too numerous to mention.

And before serving his life sentence,
it was the judge's decree

that Olaf be made to suffer
every hardship

- that he forced upon the children.
- Yes!

Get out! Get out!

Oh, no.

The Baudelaires had triumphed.

A word which here means, ''unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist

and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire. ''

If only justice were as kind.

Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.

As for the Baudelaires, what lay
ahead for them was unclear.

But one thing they knew,
as they climbed

once again into the back
of Mr. Poe's car:

They were moving on.

Now, don't worry, children,

I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.

No, no, we'll never have to deal
with that terrible man again.

Before we leave,

perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.

''Violet, Klaus and Sunny.''
It's addressed to us.

Look at all these postmarks.

It's been to England and Rome
and Kenya and lceland.

I don't even know
where these are from.

Who's it from?

Mom and Dad.

It's the letter.

The letter that never came.

''Dearest children,
since we've been abroad

we have missed you all so much.

Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.

One day, when you're older,

you will learn all about the people
we've befriended

and the dangers we have faced.

At times, the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.

But believe us when we say that there
is much more good in it than bad.

All you have to do
is look hard enough.

And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events

may in fact be the first steps
of a journey.

We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.

But in case this letter arrives before
our return, know that we love you.

It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life

that you three will take care
of each other

with kindness and bravery
and selflessness,

as you always have.

And remember one thing, my darlings,
and never forget it:

That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,

you have your family,
and you are home.

Your loving parents.''

Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.

But perhaps the least known
and most surprising

is the passing of a spyglass.

Dear reader, there are people
in the world

who know no misery and woe.
And they take comfort

in cheerful films about twittering
birds and giggling elves.

There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved.

And they take comfort in researching

and writing down
any important evidence.

But this story is not about
such people.

This story is about the Baudelaires.

And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.

Something to invent,
something to read,

something to bite
and something to do

to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.

And for this reason,
I am happy to say,

the Baudelaires were
very fortunate indeed.

Oh, the captain loved
The ladies

But he dragged himself
A wife

Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life

Well, I guess he should not
Ought-er

But he drowned her
In the water

And then a flounder
Downed her

That's why they never
Found her

Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

It's a loverly, loverly spring

Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

Spring is the springiest time
For a song

It's a loverly, loverly spring

In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day

We visit the birdies
And fishes

There's nary a care
When there's spring in the air

The feeling is just
Too delicious

Rum-buttery buttercups
All in a row

Trilling and thrilling
And stealing the show

May is the merriest month
That I know

It's a loverly, loverly

La-la-loverly

La-la-la-loverly spring

Resyn. BY SAMPA

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