All language subtitles for mad.mad.mad.mad.World.1963.english

~ It's a mad, mad, mad... ~

~ mad world ~

~ In France the girls wear scanties ~

~ but on lamb chops they put panties ~

~ I'm telling you it's a mad ~

~ mad, mad, mad world ~

~ A Japanese named Luey ~

~ says the Chinese hate chop suey ~

~ Without a doubt it's a mad ~

~ mad, mad, mad world ~

~ The only thing you are sure of ~

~ is that nothing is sure ~

~ Have a ball
Live it up ~

~ Only fools give it up ~

~ Toujours the amour, but toujours ~

~ So be a happy gaffer ~

~ Be a screamer
Be a laugher ~

~ Let boys be gay and say,
"What the hey?" ~

~ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world ~

~ My dear old Uncle Herman ~

~ says that French toast
should be German ~

~ Jawohl
That's right ~

~ It's a mad, mad ~

~ mad, mad world ~

~ I know it may sound jerky ~

~ but in Turkey who eats turkey? ~

~ Yes, yes, confess, it's a mad ~

~ mad, mad, mad world ~

~ Our traffic is so congested ~

~ Mass confusion on wheels ~

~ But Detroit is adroit
What they'll do in Detroit ~

~ Is make bigger automobiles ~

~ So be a happy fellow ~

~ Be a clown, boy, Punchinello ~

~ Get off the shelf and enjoy yourself ~

~ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad ~

~ It's a mad
It's a mad ~

~ World! ~

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD

~ It's a mad, mad, mad... ~

Whoa! Did you see it,
the way he went sailing right out there?

He just went sailing out there.

It was just terrible.
He must have been doing over 80.

An ambulance...
We ought to call an ambulance.

Look at that car. He must have gone
by you doing 90 miles an hour.

- He was passing me!
- I never saw such a crazy thing in my life!

- Let's get down there.
- Let's go.

- We're going down there. You stay in the car!
- Russell, be careful. Remember your condition!

Boy, the way he just sailed out there...

Look out, look out, look out!

There's nobody in the car.

- He's right.
- What do you mean "there is nobody"?

There he is!

Holy smoke!

Hey, how about that?

This guy is still alive!
I tell ya, he's still alive.

Maybe we ought to call an ambulance.

I don't know how he survived, the way
he went sailing right out there.

Look, I'm not a doctor,
but I have some medical experience.

I'm a dentist.

Do you think you're hurt real bad?

Is he kidding?

Just hold on, mister,
we're gonna get you to a hospital.

You move me, I'll break up in little pieces.

But what a deal.

Look, there's this dough, see?

There's all this dough: $ 350,000!

Do you hear what I'm saying?

$ 350,000!

In the park, in Rosita,
Rosita Beach State Park,

just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.

It's in this box buried under this...

buried under this big W.

You'll see it.

You'll see it under this...
under this big W.

You can't miss it, a big... a big W.

And it's been there...
And it's been laying there for 15 years.

- He's very sick.
- He may die.

Listen. I tell you, I'm giving it to you.

And don't let them kid you.
Don't let them kid you.

Don't let them give you the business
because it was mine and I paid for it,

paid for every lousy buck of it.

But watch out. Watch out for the bulls!

Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere.

Bulls all over the place.

You just drive down and dig it up.

Dig it all up.

And then...
and then you fix yourselves all up.

Fix yourselves all up.
Walk down the street like a king,

back to the old neighborhood,
see the fellas,

the dames...
the dames, all with a big hello...

a big hello for old Smiler.

Good old Smiler...

everybody's friend...

everybody's...

- Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!
- Holy mackerel! Take it easy, mister.

Please, say it don't make
any difference, Aunt Belle!

Please, you got to say...

You got to tell me
it don't make any difference!

For heaven's sake, tell him.

It... It don't make any difference.

That guy's dead.
You'd better believe it.

I believe it, all right.

But if he jumps up again like he did before,
I'm getting the hell out of here.

- Boy, what a routine he went through.
- Somebody ought to cover him up.

What are you looking at me for, pal?
All I got is this sweater.

I got a blanket up there in the truck.

Do you think there was anything in all that?

He was just raving. He flipped.

Hey. This must...
this must be the police.

Think we ought to tell them
about what he was talking about?

Don't say anything or we'll be here all day.

We got to be in Vegas this afternoon.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma.

My wife and I are on our second honeymoon.

My wife's up there with her mother.
We're on our way to Lake Mead.

What's to argue about?
Just clam up. Don't say nothing.

This way, we get out of here.

Are you a police officer?

Yep!

- How long ago did this happen?
- A few minutes ago.

About five minutes ago.

- Any of you actually see it happen?
- Well, uh...

- He passed me on the curve...
- Did anybody actually see it?

He was passing me
when he sailed right out there.

- Right over there, up there.
- Who was the first down here?

We all went down.

Was he dead?

Was he already dead?

I said, "Was he already dead
when you got down here?"

Practically.

So he was still alive.
Did he say anything?

- Did he say anything before he died?
- What about?

What do you mean, "what about?"

Did he say anything
or didn't he say anything?

Well... he... eh...

- He was raving, Officer.
- Raving? What about raving?

Well, he said...
What he said was sort of...

Embarrassing.

What was? Come on.

He thought that this fellow was his aunt.

- His aunt?
- Yeah, his Aunt Belle.

He must have had
an aunt named Aunt Belle.

All right!

Did he make any kind of statement?
Any last messages? Anything like that?

He wanted this fella to tell him
it didn't make no difference.

What?

Why you?

- 'Cause he thought he was his aunt.
- His aunt Belle.

That's why.

But was it he wanted you to say
it didn't make any difference?

Officer, he didn't make that clear... at all.
He didn't make it clear.

No, he didn't make anything clear.
Look, officer, can we get going?

Just a minute.

I'll get your names
and where you can be reached.

We're on our honeymoon.
We don't know where we'll be.

We can't stick around.

We're due in Las Vegas.
We don't know how long we'll stay there.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma
before I get back to...

We stopped to see if we could help.

We was too late. Let us go, okay?

We'll hold services for him later.
We got our lives to live.

- We ain't had breakfast yet.
- All right.

I'll have to get your name, anyway.

Hold it.

Me?

Why?

In case the coroner wants a statement.

J. Russell Finch,
2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.

But I won't be home for a few weeks
but you can get me through my office.

- What'd you say?
- Where is your office?

Pacific Edible Seaweed Company
and it's in Fresno.

- You can call my secretary.
- Ambulance is on its way.

Yeah, the ambulance is on its way.

- Is he dead?
- Yeah.

We'd better shift those cars.
They're on the curb.

That's all we can get from this group.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks.

Well... there's an
unexpected twist for you.

They're not going to like
this down at Santa Rosita.

- Culpeper's gonna scream.
- Yeah.

- We better get our story straight if...
- What story?

He woke up as usual.
He started driving his car.

He stopped for breakfast.

He went to the gents' room,
climbed out the back window.

So what? Not even Culpeper is gonna say
we should've been in there with him.

What got me is the way
he went sailing out there.

If I have to climb much more,
I'll be laying there with him.

Poor soul.

Melville, what happened?

We couldn't do anything for him.
Nothing we could do. Come on.

Well?

- It was a terrible thing.
- Russell, I feel sick.

Take it easy.
These things happen.

What kind of attitude is that,
"these things happen"?

They only happen because
this country is full of people...

who, when things happen,
just say, "These things happen."

- And that's why they happen!
- Let's try not to get upset.

Come on.

We got to have control
of what happens to us.

If we left it up to you,
we'd never hear the last of it.

You're right.

Do you know what those half-wit
morons up in Sacramento do about it?

They just sit there with their
big feet up on their big desk...

and milk 15 million people
of as much grand as...

Listen, I want to say something.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've got to say something.

- What are you looking at?
- I'm watching something.

Benjy, turn around, sit still.

- Play it straight.
- They're not kiddin' me. They all went for it.

Yeah? So what are you going to do now?

I want you to tell me everything
that man told you, word for word.

Don't leave out anything.

But do you think he really meant it?

Monica, I don't know about anybody else,
but some of them believed it.

Like those two back there.
Don't look over there!

I know where it is. It's under a big W.
That's what he said.

Like a windmill or a waterfall
or something like that.

I hope it's not under a waterfall.

Think of something that starts with a W.

Wealth. Which.

Let's see. Where.

Work. That's it.
I got to work on where it is.

One thing Dr. Carroll said was Russell
was to have no undue excitement...

for at least two weeks
because of his condition.

- But...
- That's why we came on this trip...

so Russell could relax.
You should have told the police.

You keep saying that.
What's the police got to do with it?

I think the police were chasing him.
They drove up so fast.

Why shouldn't they've been chasing him?
He was speeding.

I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.

You mean his financial condition.
That's the only condition he has.

Do you know why your husband
had a nervous breakdown?

It's because he has sunk $ 40,000,
including $ 15,000 of my money...

into a company that makes
seaweed for people to eat.

Not only does nobody like it,
but it costs over $ 4 a can.

- Yeah, but...
- "Yeah, but", what?

Most people like it and I like it.

I'm working hard,
trying to keep the costs down.

You were working hard
to keep the costs down...

the day you ran into
the street screaming.

- Mother!
- Emeline, shut up! And you, too!

Maybe he was playing a trick on everybody.

Did you think about that?
He might have been a practical joker.

Oh... Monica! Practical!

What kind of man is going to play a
practical joke on complete strangers...

with every bone in his body broken?

- Watch! Watchtower!
- No.

- Wall...
- No.

- Walnut tree.
- No, no!

- Walnuts.
- No!

- In bags.
- No!

Why are we doing only 35?
Step on it! See what happens.

- Mother!
- They'll see what we're doing.

Go ahead and try it.
What've you got to lose?

Mother, he's not that good a driver.

Going to leave the big boy behind, eh?

What are you doing?
Why are we slowing down?

It's no use.
We can't lose them this way.

Oh, the inside of my stomach...

What's that idiot in the truck trying to do?

What's he doin' back there?

I bet he's running out of gas. Good!

What happened to you?

- Having trouble with your engine?
- Run out of gas?

- What, you bend your tailpipe?
- No. It was just one of my tires.

I thought...

Shucks! Okay, so I was trying to...

Rats.

This whole thing...
I think we're making a big mistake.

- I absolutely agree.
- So?

We're being silly running around like this.

- Sure. We're getting nowhere.
- By George, he's right.

Let's do something sensible.
Let's just discuss this thing...

- and reason something out.
- I'm with you.

And we can come to some
conclusion like intelligent people.

Let's do that: What he said.

Yeah. That way nobody will have an
advantage on one another, right?

It's fair.

We'd better get the cars off that curve.

Let's not talk here, let's go over there,
there's plenty of room.

- Okay.
- Fine, see you over there.

- Over there.
- Over there.

You're through to Homicide.

Santa Rosita Police Station...

Detective Division.

I'm connecting you now.
Santa Rosita Police Station.

Detective Division. Matthews.

No, Sheriff, the Chief isn't here.
He's a little late this morning.

I'll stay late after school. Who is it?

- Sheriff, Crockett County.
- Who?

- That's where the Smiler is.
- I wonder if anything happened.

Gertie, will you put
that call through here?

How about some coffee, Schwartz?

Hello, Sheriff. Culpeper.

What'd he do, make a break?
What happened?

Afraid I got some bad news.

- Grogan's cashed in his chips.
- He what?

He crashed his car about 20 minutes ago.

He was making a break, all right.

How did it happen? Where did it happen?

On 39, about 18 miles east
of Danby Junction.

- Nine miles west of Valley Center.
- Were there any witnesses?

A few people went down
to see if they could help.

- Was he killed outright?
- I don't know, but I can find out.

Do that. See what they said.

Thanks very much, Sheriff.

Well... it's a great way to start the day.

You wait for 15 years
to solve a really important case...

and just when you...

It's all right, Chief. I'll get it for you.

He did it again.

Get that fella's number!
Get his number!

Get that fella's number!
Get his number!

Item: One large furniture van.
Item: One red Volkswagen.

That's them. Call in.

2-1-6-2-2-1-5-8.

We just made all four of them
parked alongside the road.

They're standing there talking. Over.

Sammy, let that ambulance go
and stay by the radio. Got it?

What I'm trying to say is that...

this man that we're dealing with,
may have been some kind of a screwball.

The man said there was a certain amount
of money buried down in this park.

- That's right.
- Under a big W.

Say, what is a big W?

We find out, we'll send you a wire.

It's only a possibility
that this man was telling the truth.

If it was the truth, then it is a fact
that this place is almost 200 miles away.

I suggest we quietly get into our cars...

and drive down there
at a safe, sound speed...

keeping in sight of each other.

When we get there, we dig up the money,
providing there is money...

and if we do find it, we share it
amongst us in a simple manner.

He's got a point. He's got something.

- We should go straight to the police.
- The police? Why?

All right, she's with us.
What's this "fair shares for everybody"?

We arrived in four vehicles. I think
we should split it up in four quarters.

Four quarters?
What are you talking about? Quarters?

You mean you three each get a quarter
and we have to split a quarter?

- That's right.
- What are you trying to pull?

- Seems fair to me.
- Naturally, it's fair to you.

- It just cheats us, that's all.
- $ 350,000 divided by four is...

let's say, $ 87,500.

That's what it is.

The three of you get $ 87,500
and Benjy and I have to split.

There was five of us down at the wreck.
We should split it five ways.

He's right. We should.

I'm perfectly willing to discuss it
in a five-way manner.

We can discuss it in a
five-way manner, five shares...

each share would be $ 70,000...

$ 70,000?

Holy mackerel!

You realize how many loads
I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma...

You're overlooking one thing.

- We're overlooking...
- What little thing?

- What little thing?
- We can all count.

- There were eight of us.
- There were eight of us.

Speaking for my wife and myself,
we'd be just as happy with...

You would be happy with 2/8 instead of 1/4?
That's awfully big of you.

There's nothing to be gained
by losing our temp...

You have nothing to gain
except 3/8 of $ 350,000.

- He's right. It's not fair to him.
- You shut up!

That's our money you're giving away!

Wait a minute, hold it.
Put it back the way it was before.

Either one quarter for each car,

including the van,
or one fifth for each guy.

- Just because this old bag has to stick her...
- How dare you!

- Madam, that was entirely unqualified.
- You big stupid looking goon!

Hold it, lady. He called you an old bag...

- So he's sorry that he called you an old bag.
- That's right, he's sorry.

- I don't know that I'm so sorry.
- Oh, this is unseemly!

- Yeah, it seems unseemly.
- We're all just behaving like wild animals.

Wild animals have more dignity!

Hold it, will you?
We're wasting a lot of time.

He's right, we're wasting time.

Now, look, why don't we start all over,

only this time discuss it again intelligently,
the way Melville said it the first place.

There is no reason why we cannot talk this...

Shut up!

Captain Culpeper.

Oh, it's the sheriff on the phone.

Chief, I took it to clean...
they said it's ruined.

Oh, I did get my hands on it.
Put it in the back of my car.

- Right, sir.
- I'll take it, sarge.

Alright, alright.

Hello, Sheriff? Culpeper.

Got some news for ya, captain.

All the people in them four vehicles
stopped aside the road...

about 5 miles from where
the accident happened.

- All are talking.
- What?

Give me the exact position!

About 4 miles from Valley Center,
from the crossroad there.

4 miles west of Valley Center.

I got two of my best men
undercover there.

Now look, Sheriff!

Sheriff, under no circumstances must those
people know that they're under surveillance!

- Right?
- I already took care of that.

Wait a minute!

Got the numbers comin' in now.

All 4 got California plates.

Put those down!

Blue Chrysler Imperial convertible,
number XRD845.

Blue Chrysler Imperial convertible,
number XRD845.

What do you know, this case isn't cold,
it's wide open.

Hey, Chief! Chief, come in here, will ya?

Aye! What's new this morning?

...convertible, number HCK904.

Red Volkswagen convertible,
number HCK904.

Well, what is this? A new freeway?

Chief, we got a situation here
that is absolutely incredible.

- Look, Smiler Grogan... You remember him?
- Oh, yes.

Smiler Grogan spent the night here, see?

Made his break this morning,

he drove up this way, got to here,
where he crashed and killed himself.

But before he died,
some people stopped to help him.

They are now stopped here, talking.

I think they're arguing about something.

And a Crockett County unit
has got them under observation.

You think he told 'em something?

I don't think they stopped
to play Shinny, Chief.

Let's all listen to him!
I said, right now listen to him!

Will you tell us again, please,
what you told us before?

I will try, but this will be the last time.
I'll try and tell ya.

Now, my plan is very simple.

Now, we give shares to everybody
and for everything.

Now, there were 8... there are 8 of us.

Now, there's 8 shares for that.
Then there were 4 vehicles.

Now, if we give 4 shares for that,
that's 12 shares already, right?

Then, there were 5 of us
who went down to the wreck.

Now, we give 5 shares for that.

So that makes it 17, right?

Now, 17 shares and then we add...

the same number of shares
as there were people in each vehicle, right?

That's 3 for your group, 2 for your group
and 2 for us and 1 for you, right?

Now, that adds up to 25 shares.

Now, 25 into 350,000 is $ 14,000 per share.

Now, figuring like that would mean...

you'd get 3 shares for being
3 people, 1 share for having the car,

1 share for going down
and looking at the wreck...

and 3 more shares for being
3 more people in the car,

which would give you a total of 8 shares,
giving you $ 112,000.

That should cover everything,
including the emancipation of women.

Wait a minute. Let's see now...

I got 1 share for being 1 person,

1 share for going down the hill,
1 share for the truck...

and 1 share for being a person in the truck.

But no matter how you figure it out,
I still don't get as much as anybody else.

Let me explain it once more.

Their group, they, those 3 of them,
they get $ 112,000, right?

Those over there, them,
they get $ 97,000.

We, us, we get $ 84,000.

And you, by yourself,
you get $ 56,000 alone,

- and that's tax-free money.
- What do you mean, tax-free?

I mean, if we go down to this park
and we uncover the money and we have it,

I mean, I'm sure he's not gonna
declare anything,

I know he's not gonna declare anything...

- and I'm not gonna declare...
- What are you talking about, declare it?

I mean, it's like non-taxable income.

It's like a gift.

But sure, if we find the money,
we still have to report the taxes.

Otherwise, it's like stealing
from the government.

Could you explain it to him, please?

Who, me?

Well, don't you see, if we find the money,
there may not be any taxes to pay on it...

just because we did find the money.

- But what he was trying to say is...
- Everybody has to pay taxes,

even businessmen that rob and steal
and cheat from people every day,

even they have to pay taxes.

I give up. Look, anybody got
a better, fairer plan, go ahead.

There were 8 of us there,
so that simply means 8 shares.

- 3 for us, 2 for you...
- This is hopeless.

We'll get no place if we continue
listening to this old bag.

Lady, you trying to split us up
so every man's for himself?

And every woman for himself?

One more funny remark from you, buster...

- Let's get out of here.
- Please, don't argue anymore.

We figured it 17 different ways.

Every time we figured it, it was no good.

No matter how we figured it,
somebody didn't like it.

Now there's only one way to figure it.

And that is, every man,

including the old bag, for himself!

- So, good luck and may the best man win!
- Right!

Except you, lady.
May you just drop dead!

All right. We all agree on that.

Let's be sensible about this thing.
There's money in this for all of us.

There's enough for you.
There's enough for you...

and for me...

and for you...

and there's enough for...

Melville, my shoe!

Get in the car!

2-1-5-8-2-1-6-2, four cars under
observation are passing this checkpoint.

Lead car is Plymouth station wagon.

Next, the Ford van, the Volkswagen...

and the Chrysler Imperial convertible,
all doing about 50.

Yep, they're on their way.

- All traveling in the same direction?
- That's right. According to my boys...

they're all on reckless
driving charges already.

None of those people must suspect
that anybody's interested in them.

Now, Sheriff,
will you get on to Captain Hardesty...

and see how many helicopters
he can let us have?

I'll see what we can do
and I'll call you back.

Now, where have I always told you
that the Smiler hid the dough?

- I know.
- Where?

- Right there.
- That's right, yeah.

Which means, if these merrymakers
decide to go for it,

they'll go to the crossroads and turn south.

But why did Smiler head east
when he made his break,

if the money is down here somewhere?

Oh, Aloysius, I mean the guy is just
being clever. You can't...

$ 5 will get you $ 10...

they go to the crossroads and turn south.

You got yourself a bet.

"Mount Shasta National Forest."
Are we near...?

That's on the top!
Look down near the bottom.

- Are we near Oregon?
- That's 700 miles from here.

Don't pass it, Dingy!

You'll lose your license, Dingy.

We've got the Imperial
and we're running last?

I can't pass them on the curves.

Go on. Go ahead. Look, there's a space!

You waiting for an engraved invitation?

Get over!

Get over to the side where you belong!

I said it before and I'll say it again:

I didn't want to move to California.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8, I'm located
at the Valley Center crossroads.

They're just coming up to you.
Looks like the station wagon's leading,

Volkswagen, the Imperial convertible
and moving van, in that order.

Here comes the station wagon now...

he's turning south.

- All 4 now moving south on C-18.
- Thank you.

- Looks like they're making for highway 66...
- Well, that does it. They're headed south.

Look!

Airfield, 5 miles to the south.

- Now, $ 5 will get you $ 10...
- No, no, no.

I've got to admit it's enjoyable,
but the entertainment is to expensive.

I'll be in my office.

- Did you find it yet?
- I can't find it anywhere.

Take the wheel. Give me the map.

Take the wheel! Give me the map.

It must be here.
Right over here. Valley Center!

It's right here.

- There's an airfield not far from...
- Get it off!

Get it off your face!

- Get it off me!
- Don't go in there!

Swing over! Watch out!

- Take it off.
- Get it off!

I've had enough.

They're gonna hire aeroplanes.

- Never mind. Let's go!
- But if they get planes...

- they'll be there hours before...
- I said never mind. Let's go!

Nobody's gonna get me up in the air.

I wanted to be a reasonable guy
and give them all reasonable shares.

No. They wanted every man for himself.

I'm going to show them
what kind of man they're dealing with.

It's stalled, Benjy.
We got dust in the carburetor.

You'll see who the jury will believe,

because it's our word against yours.

In trial will be three of us
and only one of yours.

- So, you will see who the jury will believe!
- Hold it, please!

While we're arguing
those other four are hiring planes.

We're all hung up here.
Now, what we need is a breakdown crew.

Yeah, if we got get to some place
where we could rent a car.

Yeah, but there's no traffic
we might be waiting here for...

Wait a minute!
By George, come to Vegas, dammit!

There's a bicycle in the van!

Will you take us or won't you?

For $ 250, I guess I will.

Good, then you take care of the plane.
We'll leave our car here till tomorrow.

- Meanwhile I'll give you a check.
- Check?

Traveler's check from the Bank of America.
Don't worry.

- Oh, boy.
- Hey!

Are you a pilot? Is there a plane around?

Right both times.

Where's an airplane? I don't see any.

There's only one. We've chartered it.

- So you and your friend...
- Did you make a deal with them?

- Right.
- Where can we charter another plane?

- Nearest place is North Valley.
- Where's that?

Other side of Valley Center,
about 12 miles, 15 miles.

- Excuse us.
- Filibuster, filibuster.

Now you can stick around
and watch us take off.

Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.

I hate you so much, I'm not able to tell
you how much in front of your wife.

Vice versa.

Come on over here! Come on!

Oh, boy! When the people who own this
see this, I sure hate to think...

Never mind.

Here's the bike. Get to the nearest phone
and hire the best car that you can find.

But this is a girl's bike.
This is for a little girl.

I've got to get this stuff back
so I can lock up the van.

We'll put everything away.
Will you get going, please? Will ya hurry?

Okay.

I got to admit...

I feel kind of silly.

You know what I mean?

Hey, look, they're coming back.
I bet they couldn't get a plane.

- Just the one car. The other two must've...
- You must stop them! Do something to stop them!

- Make them give us a lift!
- Here they come, here they come!

- Hey, stop! Hey, stop!
- Hey, stop! Hey, stop!

That stupid idiots are not
even going the right way.

No.

They've given up and they
are going to the police.

They just remembered there's such
a thing as human dignity, that's all.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8. Listen, Sheriff.

Two guys in a Volkswagen, heading north.
Do we tail 'em? Over.

No. Pete and Sam can
pick 'em up at Valley Center.

Right.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Had an accident?

- Anyone hurt?
- No, but we've got to get...

- to a phone. Can you give us a lift?
- A lift?

Of course,
I should be absolutely delighted.

Upsy-daisy. I'm afraid you
caught me on the hub there.

Madam, do be careful.
I have some specimens of cactus...

- Oh!
- I'm most frightfully sorry.

I've been gathering some samples
of desert flora.

Where shall I put this?

Oh, boy!

- Good morning. Morning.
- Morning.

It certainly is. We're in a hurry.
We've got to get to a phone.

Of course, with pleasure.

Jolly nasty accident there.
Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Where did you get that funny accent?
Are you from Harvard or something?

Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Sounds so foreign.

Really? I say,
we haven't introduced ourselves.

My name is Algernon Hawthorne...
Colonel Hawthorne.

- You're a colonel?
- Lieutenant colonel, actually.

My name is Finch. This is my wife.

This is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Marcus.

Do stuff those in the back.

Cactus. It's rather a hobby of mine.

Spent the last 10 days
gathering some for my collection.

Nothing spectacular, actually.

Cereus echinocactus, opuntia.
That sort of thing.

Been enjoying a spot of leave
from Vandenberg.

- From what?
- Vandenberg.

The missile place.

I've been attached there for
the last 10 months. Liaison work.

All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.

That sort of thing, you know.

Please, will you look at the road?

Yes. Whoosh-whoosh.

- Don't stop! Keep moving!
- Mother! - I think, we should stop...

That big stupid lout! He was the one
who ran into us. Keep moving!

In that?

- You mean... you tell me that's it?
- Yeah, that's her.

Would... would she fly?

Well, she's not seen in one of
those beauty contests, but boy...

she'll fly.

- It's nothin', just a brake wire.
- Yeah.

Melville, I'm not going up in that thing.
It's just not safe!

Honey, please, would you leave it to me?

What is this thing hanging out here?

That's an exhaustor. She kicks out
a little smoke every once in a while.

But you are a licensed pilot
to carry passengers, right?

Wee, now, nobody said anything about a license.
I was only trying to do you a favor...

- sort of informal.
- Where the passengers sit?

Up front, ma'am.

But haven't you another car that we...

What? Oh, alright. Thanks.

Look, are you sure you cannot rent us
that truck out there? I'll pay.

I told you mister: We can't.

This is our first week open.
How could we do it without our truck?

We're in business.

We'll have to speak to the Englishman.
If we tell him what happened...

Oh, Russell, you wouldn't.
How can you even admit we're involved in it?

He'll say he's entitled to a share.

Yeah, he would be entitled to a share
if he drove us all the way down there.

And if we don't tell him all about it,
he won't drive us down there.

Oh, you're such a genius.

Listen! Only 10%!

There's no reason at all
why he should expect any more!

That's what we'll do.

$ 5. Thank you and come in again.

Ah, there you are.
Had any luck with another car?

That's what I wanna talk to you about,
Mr. Hawthorne...

How would you...

What would you say if I told you that we
know of a very simple way for you to earn...

$ 35,000?

35,000 what?

Dollars.

Thanks for stopping.
Listen, can you give me a lift?

What's with the little kiddy bicycle?
What are you? Some kind of a nut?

No, you see, I had an accident.
Look, I gotta get to Santa Rosita and fast.

Well, I can't help you, friend.
I'm turning off the road a little way up.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Let me just think.

I gotta tell somebody. Look, have you
got a couple of hours you could spare?

A couple of hours?

Hey, pal, you've been
out in the sun too long.

You better watch this,
'cause you're starting to crack up.

No, wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Listen! Just wait a minute!

Just hear me out.

Now, what I'm gonna tell you, you just
ain't gonna believe it could've happened.

But, you see, there was an accident
here a little while back,

about 20 miles back.
It involved $ 350,000.

Now, like I said,

when I tell you this, you just ain't
gonna believe it could've happened.

Try me. I'm pretty gullible.

I just won't fly in this old...
Look into it.

Look at how it's shuddering.

Can't we just get back in the car and
go on with our second honeymoon...

and forget all about this?

Honey, please, darling,
believe me, everything is all right.

Do you think I'd take a chance with you
if there was any danger in flying this thing?

This is a plane that's
really built, you know.

- When was this plane built?
- 1916. - 1916.

1916. These planes are tried and true.

There's nothing experimental
about these planes.

So, come on. Let's have one big adventure.

Get up there and have some fun.
Here we go.

- That scratched the paint.
- Help!

I never saw nothing like that one before.

You better tell MPA
to pick his license number.

What bothers me is this big W.

You sure you told me all you know about it?

I mean, you don't know
what that guy meant by the big W?

No, none of them know.
It's just who gets there and first.

What do you say? Is it a deal?

Um... Deal!

Kid, you better get that bike out of there.

Somebody could trip over it in the dark.

RAY & IRWIN
GARAGE

SERVICE IS OUR MIDDLE NAME

Fellas, I'm glad you're here.
Look, I need your help.

I had this blowout.
I think there's a spare in the back.

It may be a little flat. Take a look at it, kid.
Is there an airport anyplace around?

If the spare's flat, don't fix it.
Give me a new tire.

You ain't got a new tire, fix the spare.

But don't look at me, move it.
You could be gassing up.

What is it, a staring contest?
Move, move, will you? Come on!

Oh, now, what is it?

You know what his honor is like.
I don't want to keep him waiting.

I'll make it fast.
It's partly him I want to talk to you about.

- The Mayor?
- Yeah.

And the Counselor. Now look, Al,

you know next week the counselor
is gonna start talking about pensions again.

And now, I know that you think that you know
everything that I'm going to say,

but you don't know the whole story.

Al, in four months I'll be through.
I'll be finished.

The pension in my grade...

has not been upped one red cent since 1934.

Now, Al,

if the Mayor will get behind a resolution...

What can I do?
I can't put any pressure on the Mayor!

You can, Al.

That's the whole point.

This case, I'll have finished by tonight.

It's one of the biggest cases
we've ever had across our books.

Tell the Mayor about it.

Tell him the money is right here,
where I always said it was,

right in this neighborhood.

Tell him what credit will be reflected
upon the department.

Come on, Aloysius,
get in there and pitch a little for me.

Well, I can try.

He'll listen to you.

If he gets behind this,
it'll pass unanimously.

Now, you know...

You know, Al, I got it coming.

I'll do everything I can.

- You know that, don't you?
- Yes.

There's just one other little thing about...

- Oh...
- No, nothing.

Vacation.

Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way,
my desk is clear.

I'd like to take a three-week vacation.
Take Ginger on a real nice holiday.

- Is that all right with you?
- Of course it's all right.

Thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.

- You won't forget about the Mayor?
- No.

I'll do my best. I promise you that.

Aloysius, I'll never forget you for this.

You know something, Al?
I got a feeling this morning...

that everything's coming my way.

Sylvester!

- Why did you do that for?
- What are you shouting for?

- Do you have to scare everybody?
- Are you crazy?

Why didn't I think?

We've been running around like lunatics.

Why didn't I think about Sylvester?
He's sitting there right now.

- He lives on Silver Strand Beach.
- I never thought of that.

- Who on earth is Sylvester?
- My son, Emeline's brother.

He's a lifeguard down there.

I'm not entirely certain
that you haven't damaged this machine.

Are there many blowouts up here? Why don't
you move closer to the city and get more action?

Oh, kid, don't mind polishing,
this is wonderful clean.

I got a lot of cars. Don't bother.

You did a good job.

Have a drink on me. Keep the change.

I took care of your buddy. Let me go now.

You!

No! It's that lunatic
who escaped from the asylum!

Watch him! He's a homicidal maniac!

Get on the phone, yell "Mayday."

Listen to me. I'm a psychiatrist.

This man is insane! I'm not your nurse.

He has a hate complex.

Calm down!

Somebody will stumble
over the bicycle in the dark, huh?

When I finish with you, they'll be
stumbling over you in the dark!

Get on the phone!

Look out!

IF YOU DON'T SEE IT... ASK FOR IT

Look, I was clowning.

Get out of here! Sir, wait a minute.

You've got this all...
Why don't you stop?

I tell you. I'll kill you!

You got this... Wait!

Don't take it so...

Will you stop staring and get out of...

He's out of his head.

- He's crazy!
- Want us to call... Ray!

It's a brand-new pump!

- Get out of here!
- Stop that!

Stop that! He's crazy!

Very good. Quick thinking.
I'm proud of you.

Very good. Tie him up.

I'll have some orderlies come by
with a straitjacket.

- Very good. I'm proud of you.
- I never saw anything...

- How many people has he killed?
- There'll be more.

Tie him up for the boys
in the white jackets.

I'm proud of you, boys.
You did a real good job.

Look me up. I'm in the book. Dr. Zillman.

Holy mackerel!

When he started to...

Listen, we better get him tied up!
What we gonna do if he comes to?

- Hit him again!
- Oh, I couldn't!

- Sir, we've got to get to Santa Rosita.
- I tell you, this is a club.

We don't do charters.
Nobody here can take you.

- Whose plane is that?
- That belongs to Mr. Tyler Fitzgerald.

He isn't going anywhere today.

- Is he here? Can we see him?
- Mr. Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.

- He's asleep. Nobody can talk to him.
- Can we just ask him a question?

- Can't we just ask him?
- No, you can't.

Hello? Wait a minute!

Come on, Benjy.
That must be Mr. Fitzgerald over there!

- You can't disturb Mr. Fitzgerald!
- We just want to talk to him.

- Let him rest, please.
- Hello.

Don't shush me!
We're trying to talk to him.

Wake up, won't you please?

I think he's got a cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.

We hate to disturb your sleep,
but it's an emergency.

You've no right to crash in here.

That's a head cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald,
you know where Rosita Beach is?

- Only you can get us there.
- It's a matter of life and death.

Right, a matter of life and death.

- It's our grandmother. She's dying.
- Who's dying?

Our grandmother is dying
and she's sent for us.

She's in Rosita Beach.
She's dying and we're up here.

She'd like us with her when she goes.

Otherwise, she won't go.

- She'll go.
- Sir, they forced their way in here.

No, we didn't. Let me introduce myself.

I'm Dingy Bell. This is Benjy Benjamin.

- How do you do?
- Don't start with that!

Sir, we'd like you to help us out
by taking us down...

- What's the matter?
- Wait just a minute.

I can't see!
Something's happened to my eyes.

I can't see!

You can't see? He can't see.

- Must be an eye cold.
- George, I can't see.

- One minute, Mr. Fitzgerald.
- I can't see! George!

George!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

We want to make sure
he doesn't get loose.

I'll kill that dirty rotten bum...

if I get my hands on him.
What's the matter?

How come I'm all tied up like this?

You just sit there.
Everything will be all right.

Yeah, a couple of friends are coming
to take good care of you.

What friends? What are you talking about?
Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose.

Take it easy. You've been sick.

Who's been sick?
And where's that bum with the glasses?

Now just sit still,
because the doctor is going to get...

What doctor? I don't know no doctor.
What are you guys, crazy or something?

I'm warning you.
Get this stuff off me, you understand?

- Get this stuff off me!
- Watch him, Ray, watch him!

I'm warning you!
I'm going to have to hit you again.

My arm! You broke my arm!

Now, fellas, you keep this up
and I'm going to get sore. I mean it!

Okay. That's the way you want it,
that's the way you're going to get it.

- I'll kill you!
- Whoo!

- Help! He's ruining our place!
- Come on, Ray!

MEN
WOMEN

- You better get out of here, mister!
- Leave us alone!

- Uh-huh. There you are.
- What are we going to do?

Dr. Zillman! Dr. Zillman!

Help! Put me down!
Put me down immediately!

- That's the way you want it?
- Help! Help!

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

He's nuts! He's really nuts in his head.

I mean it!

- Did you've ever seen a thing like that before?
- No.

Holy Jumper!
They're coming back for more.

Look out, you crazy nut!

You're getting out of line. I'm not
kidding. I've had all I can take.

Irwin, we'll have to kill him.

- Ready?
- Ready.

- Set?
- Set.

Charge!

He's going nuts! He's really nuts!

- Go away!
- You'd better get out of here!

I mean it, I don't want to...

What'll we do?

Go away! Go away!

Irwin. Irwin!

Here, Ray.

You fellas all right?

Now they show up.
Where were you when we needed you?

- Writing parking tickets, I suppose.
- Yeah.

They're still alive.

~ Got a baby who can give me 31 flavors ~

~ And we like tutti-frutti best ~

~ I call him "Ice Cream Joe"
He is the most delicious boy I know ~

Go, baby, go!

~ ...his tasty lips are kissing mine
He gives me 31 flavors ~

~ And we like tutti-frutti best ~

~ I just love him so ~

~ He's my confectionery Ice Cream Joe ~

~ Every time I kiss him, I feel mighty fine ~

~ I love his 31 flavors ~

~ And we like tutti-frutti best ~

~ Pineapple, peach, coconut and banana
Some of each, chocolate too ~

~ I'm telling you that when we kiss ~

~ He really does want bum bum ~
Don't stop! Go!

~ And we like tutti-frutti best ~

~ I want the world to know ~

He's got to be home.

He never gets up this early.
Why doesn't he answer?

I hope you won't mind my asking,
but what sort of chap...

is this brother-in-law of yours?

He's a nut. Why?

I hope he's nothing like
my brother-in-law. Peculiar chap.

Secretary of a golf club
out near Pangbourne.

So what about him?

I was thinking that if Reggie,
my brother-in-law...

If Reggie got hold of information
like this information,

it's likely that would be the last time...

anyone would ever see or hear
of dear old Reggie.

I doubt very much whether old Reggie
will be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.

Cheers.

- We're wasting too much time.
- But, Russell, he's about to be there.

Come on, let's get going.

Wait a minute!

Are you against calling Sylvester?

Me? Against Sylvester?
Mother!

- Now please, let's be reasonable.
- Reasonable? We're gonna sell it right now!

Now look, this doesn't make sense.

We were back there
and we had a conversation

and we straightened out the
whole thing, Mr. Hawthorne and I.

You mean that you two...
You mean that you suggested that my son...?

No, Madam, I hastened to...

You think I'll sit still
while some un-american foreigner...

makes accusations about
my own flesh and blood?

We'll see about that. Stop this car!

- Really, madam.
- Mother, this is awful!

- So we'll see!
- Mother, what are you doing?

You don't trust your own brother-in-law?
Well, let me tell you something.

If my boy is out, then everybody is out.
So we'll see.

We don't even own the car
and you have no right to do what you do.

Rights? You talk to me about rights?

- Mother!
- You address me on the subject of rights?

Trouble? Having any trouble?

Yes! And we don't need any help from you.

Well...

- Mother, please.
- With all due respect, this is too much.

Give Mr. Hawthorne the keys
or we'll never get there.

Too bad.

Madam, I must say I find your attitude
somewhat less than helpful.

And what's all this got to do with you,
if you don't mind telling me?

If we have quite decided
to withdraw from this affair,

you might be expected to hand me back
my keys so that I could press on.

You keep out of this!
Are we calling Sylvester or not?

No!

We are not. And I'll tell you why.
Because your son Sylvester...

is an irresponsible, unreliable,
big loudmouth, no-good bum,

who, if he isn't a crook,
it's only because...

he hasn't got the brains or ambition
even to become a crook.

Good show!

If you want to come, you can.
If you don't want to, you don't have to.

But you've got to give us those keys or
you'll force us to take them from you!

Hear, hear.

Give us those keys. Give us those keys.

I don't care where you have them.
I'll get them.

- How dare you.
- Give us those keys.

- You take one more step towards me...
- I'll take another step.

I'm warning you. You're gonna be sorry!

- Give me the keys.
- You're gonna get it, but good!

- Emeline!
- Emeline, stay in the car!

Grab her!

Russell, don't! Mother!

- Put me down!
- Must be stuck.

Russell, you wouldn't.
You couldn't! You shouldn't!

Let me go! Let me get out of here!

I got 'em! Here they are.

We really didn't want to do it.
But that was the only way. Upsy-daisy.

Don't hit him. Ow!

Madam, please! Please!

You forced us. You forced us.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry,
but you forced us.

- Do us a favor and get back in the car.
- Get away from me! Don't you touch me!

- We had to do it. You saw it, honey.
- Russell, let me go.

Just wait.
You can't manhandle a decent woman.

You're going to jail!
You'll be arrested for assault.

I'm going to sue for everything you've got.
Take your hands off my daughter!

I say, if we are going,
we really must get cracking.

Russell, how could you?

- You know we had to...
- Mr. Finch!

Please don't go. We'll be right with you.
See, she made us do it.

Let's forget the whole thing
and be reasonable.

- Please get back in the car.
- Not me!

We are wasting so much time.
Give me the keys.

Please, honey, please. If she don't
wanna come, then you got to come.

I can't leave you here.
You gotta make this choice yourself.

You gotta stay on my side.
Your place is with me. You understand?

- Mama!
- No, wait!

Alright, go ahead, you big stupid hooligan!
Just wait and see what will happen!

Really, old man, I just have to say: Tataa!

Emeline! Emeline!

The cars are going faster than we are.
Can't you make this thing go a little faster?

Wide open, I can.
But wide open eats up a lot of gas.

Then open up wide. I'll pay for the gas.

- It'll cost you about $ 50.
- Okay, I'll pay when we land.

- Now!
- I got to pay now?

- Now!
- All right, I'll pay you now.

- Melville...
- What?

A bug! Get him off!

Get him off! There he is! Get him!

- You're breaking up the airplane!
- Is it down there?

Now you're breaking the floor!

- Help!
- Melville!

Help!

Everything's okay, everything's fine.

Everything's just okay.
Everything is all right.

Gonna be okay.

None of these 10 people
have any record at all.

And yet we're ready to book 'em
for withholding information,

causing accidents,
failing to report accidents,

reckless driving, theft, at least
three cases of assault and battery...

- Captain Culpeper?
- Yeah.

- That my home?
- Yes, sir.

Uh, Sheriff, excuse me. Another call.

Take the Sheriff. I'll take it in here.

Freddy, transfer Mrs. Culpeper
to Culpeper's office.

- Hello, Ginger?
- Daddy, it's Billie Sue.

Oh. Let me speak with
your mother, sweetheart.

Well?

Ah, dear.

Tell me something, Ginger.
How does it feel being married...

to the most brilliant personality
in the law enforcement industry?

Are you referring to yourself?

Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself
for a little shock.

When I tell you what has happened...

So tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...

The Smiler Grogan case is solved.

The what?

What the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?

The tuna factory robbery.

The case I've been talking about
for the last 15 years.

All I want you to do
is make all the preparations...

for a little flight to Hawaii,
Sunday morning.

- So what's the gag?
- It is no gag.

Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?

Flight 7, Sunday morning.

- Are we taking Billie Sue?
- No!

Just the two of us for about three weeks.
Now, we're going to celebrate, Ginger.

My feeling is that after 27 years...

we've earned it.

What's the matter?

- I need help. Can you give me a lift?
- What?

My wife is sick.

- The doc sent me out for some medicine.
- All right. Come on.

- I just ran out of gas.
- Get in!

What's wrong with your wife?

That's the trouble. The doc's not sure.
He says, whatever it is,

she's too sick, even to be moved.
He needs a special stuff...

and we haven't got a phone, so I want
to get it, and that's when I ran out of...

Slow down a little.

- The turning is just up here on the right.
- Turning? You mean, it's off the road?

- Only a mile...
- Oh, pal, I'm in a hurry. I got my...

Hold it!

Stop the car!

Now listen, buddy!

I'm sorry about your problems,

but the dark side of the hurry,
this is my wife.

- Now, come on, we turn right here.
- There isn't even a road...

Listen!
Don't force me to get rough!

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to bust up your car.

It's all right.

You said, a mile?

Well, I'm asking too much.

- You?
- You?

Wait a minute. We're in trouble.

Everybody's in trouble. Get out of the way.

You think we wanted to leave you back there?

- It was my son-in-law and that Englishman.
- What Englishman? Get out of the way.

You leave us here,
and you know what you're going to get?

Nothing! We'll get it all.

How will you do that?

I'll call my son. He lives
about 10 miles from Rosita Beach.

He'll drive there and get the money
and we're going to have it. That's how!

I was going to offer you a share
for taking us to a phone.

But because you're not interested,
we'll wait for another car.

Is that true? You really
got a brother already down there?

Yes, it's true. Well, that's true.

Alright, but just remember:
You said that I get a share.

You get a share. You get a share.

Come on, Emeline, get in the truck!

Mother, for the last time:
Why don't we go to the police?

I'm glad it's the last time.

Say, where did you get this truck?

Let's just say I bargained it, okay?

Ah, I bet you did. I bet you did.

I'm sorry. The nearest place
you could get a wheel for this thing...

would be in Canyon City, about 45 miles.

Excuse me.

45 miles. This bloody machine
will never do it.

I was just...
We're making a terrible mistake.

We better go back
and get my mother-in-law.

- Go back?
- Yes.

- You couldn't be serious.
- Don't you understand?

All she has to do is get to a telephone,
my brother-in-law will get there first.

They'll get all and we won't get a dime.
You can believe that.

But look here.

Even if she does get all the money,
this won't make any difference...

to our agreement.
She wouldn't break her word.

I mean to say, I'd still be entitled
to 10 percent as agreed. Surely.

Surely. Come on, let's go.

- Operator.
- Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.

I'm ringing this Santa Rosita number.

If Russell would really care about me,
he never would left me the way he did.

- But he'll come back for me.
- Now, listen.

You think everybody's been acting
like a bunch of nut-heads or something.

I sure do.

Then let me tell you something.

Back there, when this whole thing started,

I was gonna string along with everybody,

just to get an equal share, my share.

Understand?

You know what I wanted the money for?

I want to be in a position
to do something for Miss Jenkins,

this little old lady, that runs
a boarding house where I live.

I want to get her, like...
well, maybe a wheelchair with a motor on it,

bring her some fresh flowers every day,

in exchange for looking after me
ever since I was 15 years old.

That's what I wanted the money for.

And what happens next?

Now, I tell you what happens.

Then they all decide that I'm supposed
to get a smaller share,

like I'm somebody
extra-special stupid or something.

They don't even care what's a democracy,
and in a democracy,

no matter how stupid you are,
you still get a equal share.

I don't think that you're stupid.

And then that dirty, rotten,
slimy bum that double-crossed me.

When I get a hold of that smart aleck,
what I'm going to do him...

If you're there, I hope you just turn away,

that's all,
that you just look the other way.

Did you get him?

Maybe he went out
for the papers or something.

We can keep on trying.

Just supposing we never do get him?
We might be the last ones there.

Just a minute. Down there?

You're kidding. It's too steep.

I drive my jeep down here every day.
Let's go!

Yeah, let's go. Let's...

You can turn around here.
I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.

Yeah, swell, yeah.

Hi, Eddie.

- Is this Santa Rosita?
- Yep, we're landing in about 12 minutes.

At least we won. We got here first.
We are the first ones. Oh, boy!

Honey, the first thing we will do:
We gonna get a pick and a shovel.

No, no, no. First thing, we get a taxi...

- and then we get a pick and a shovel.
- I can't believe it, Melville.

I think, way back I was willing to share
and share alike with them all, you know?

But not now. Now we get it all!

- Hey, where is the pilot?
- Tyler's probably still in the shower.

Tyler! There he is!

- Tyler! Hey, Tyler!
- Hey, you promised!

Hey! I'll wake him up. Tyler!

- Tyler!
- Huh? Huh?!

Wake up! Come on now!

Tyler, wake up! Wake up now!

- Get out of here!
- Wait!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

He's out again, Benjy!

Listen, I got to get out of here.

Will you ask your father to show me?
There must be some other way out!

Come on! Hurry up!

I could show you a way out.
There's another way to the road.

You know another way to the road?
Good. Come on in. Don't stand there.

If you show me the way out,
I'll give you $ 1.

- Hm... $ 3.
- $ 3? Why, you...

Yeah, all right. I'll give you $ 3.

But don't stand there, hop in the car.
Hurry kid, I got to get out of here!

Come on, hop in there! All right.

- Now, which way is it?
- The other way.

- That way?
- What happened to your door?

Never mind my door. This is the way, eh?

You're a... good little boy.

- They're not here, they're gone.
- Probably got a lift.

But we only passed six or seven cars
and they weren't in any of them.

Somebody must have picked them up
and taken the other way.

I think we better go back
to that place we phoned from.

What? That's miles in the wrong direction.

Besides, we can't be certain
they'll be there.

I don't know, I must find my wife.
And I don't know what to do.

Wherever they are,

surely the most sensible thing
is for the two of us to press on.

For all we know, your brother-in-law
may be out or away somewhere.

Even if he were the first there,
he still has to find the money.

I earnestly recommend
we forget your good ladies...

and press on with all possible dispatch.

All right. We'll press on
with all possible dispatch.

And I don't really think
that personal rancor...

is going to help the situation,
if I may say so.

Okay, come on, honey.
Let's go. We're here.

We got here first. Let's go.
Come on. I got you.

Attaboy, baby.

We made it. We're here first.

Look.Take care of my car
until we get back, right?

Come on, let's go.
Will you go? Come on!

Over there?

There?

Down there?

That'll be $ 2.90.

$ 2.90? Here's $ 3.00.
Keep the change, but wait for us, okay?

Oh, sure.

Wise guy. Come on, let's go.

- No, we're closed. It's 12:00.
- It's 12:00. They're closed.

Wait a minute!
All we want is a pick and a shovel!

Mr. Dinkler's inside.

Dinkler. That's it.
We'll get Dinkler. Come on.

TOOLS
GARDEN IMPLEMENTS

Downstairs. Come on.

They must be here someplace.
Down here, yeah.

Look for a pick and a shovel, all right?

Pick and a shovel,
must be someplace around.

That's all I need.

That's all I need, boy.
That's all I need, a pick and a shovel.

I found it!

Got it!

- But there...
- I got it! I found it!

I've no wish to quarrel with you, Finch,
but speaking as a representative...

of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,
I take the most particular exception...

- You want me to tell you something?
- What?

You want me to tell you something?
As far as I'm concerned,

the whole British race
is practically finished.

If it hadn't been for land and lease
we hadn't kept your whole country afloat...

by giving you billions,
that you never even said thank you for,

the whole phony outfit would be
sunk under the Atlantic years ago.

- Hey, what are you stopping for?
- Get out of this machine.

Get out? You're crazy!

It's my machine.
I'll do as I bloody well please. Out!

I'm awfully sorry.
I've been very edgy today.

If I said anything about England,
I apologize.

I'm glad to hear you say so.

I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune...

to be a citizen of this benighted country,

I should be most hesitant in offering
any criticism whatever of any other.

Wait a minute.
Are you mocking this country?

Are you saying something against America?

Against it?

I'd be positively astounded to hear
anything said for it.

The whole bloody place
is the most unspeakable matriarchy...

in the whole history of civilization.

Look at yourself, the way your wife
and her strumpet of a mother...

push you through the hoop.

As far as I can see, American men
have been totally emasculated.

They're like slaves.

They die like flies
from coronary thrombosis...

while their women sit under
hair dryers eating chocolates...

and arranging for every second
Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.

And this positively infantile
preoccupation with bosoms.

In all my time in this wretched country,

the one thing that has appalled me
most is this preoccupation with bosoms.

They've become the dominant theme
in American culture:

In literature, in advertising,
in entertainment, in everything.

I'll wager you anything you like,

if American women
stopped wearing brassieres,

your whole national economy
would collapse overnight.

F-7 to Central.
The Crumps are locked...

in the hardware store basement.
Shall I let them out? Over.

How the hell could they get
themselves locked in a basement?

- We better let them out.
- That ain't fair.

- It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
- They got themselves in there.

They ought to be able
to get themselves out.

Uh, after all, if you help them,
you're not being fair to the others.

But the moment anybody
gets to where they're going,

we'll pick them up.

So, what difference does it make
who gets there first?

It's a race, ain't it?

Why do you want to help that dentist for?

Me? I've been pulling for that
guy Pike with the furniture van.

The rules should be
the same for everybody.

Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Central to F-7.

No. We'll leave them where they are.
See what happens.

Watch all the exits,
but render no assistance. Over.

Are you happy?

Can't you do it, Melville?

Don't you think I would, if I could?

I'm trying. I'm trying very hard.

You and I need a drink.

There's some ice and stuff back there.
Make us all some Old Fashioneds.

Old Fashoineds? You think you
ought to drink while you're flying?

Stop kidding and make us some drinks.

Just press the button back there
marked "booze."

It's the only way to fly.

Estimated speed: 175.

We'll never be able to keep up with him.

Better have some of the
other units intercept. Over.

Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?

It's Billie Sue.
Her new boyfriend Oscar...

was supposed to come down
from Pomona just to meet us.

So now she told him we were going away.

What? What's the matter?

You keep forgetting.
If a girl is 6 feet 5 inches tall,

she's bound to have special problems.

- But, Ginger...
- They had some argument...

Get out!

...screaming at each other
and now the whole engagement's off...

and she says she's leaving.

Leaving what? Leaving home?

Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.

I'll try. Just a minute.
Talk to your father.

I won't.
I don't want to talk to him ever.

Don't be ridiculous.
Whatever else he is, he is your father.

Captain, there is a captive report.
Just came in.

All right! All right!
Can you wait a minute?

- Talk to your father.
- No! No! No!

- She won't come to the phone.
- She... what?

- She won't come to the phone.
- Look, you are her mother! Get her to the phone!

- Mel are you all right?
- I'm fine. I'm okay.

Look at this:
Just another storeroom.

Dynamite!

Dynamite.

We could blow our way out.

Melville, you don't know anything about
dynamite and you know how I hate explosions.

Look, I've seen many people blowing
tree stumps out with just a little dynamite.

It's simple:
You just light it and it goes boom.

That's all. It's...

EMERGENCY ALARM The burglar alarm.

We just throw it on, people hear it,
they come and we're out.

Now, don't be frightened,
if it makes a big bell noise, you know.

All right? Here we go.

- I don't hear anything.
- Neither do I. There's no bell.

Look at it. It just stands there.

Wait a minute.

Stand by.

Burglar alarm. Burglar alarm!

The stupidest burglar in the world
could come in here...

and walk away with everything.
And we can't even get out!

I was just thinking.

Melville. Mel!

Even if you do get the bell to ring
and somebody comes,

what about the damage?

Won't they make you pay for the damage?

Damage?

Make us pay for the damage?

They're the ones who locked us in!

This thing is gotta work!

Help me!

Help me, please!

Please, help me!

I love you!
Please, help me! I'm frying!

Please, help me! Oh...

Melville!

You hear bells, baby?

Yes?

- Who is that? Who is that?
- Who's that?

I want my son! Hey!

Who is that?
I want to speak to Sylvester Marcus.

- Sylvester?
- Yeah, baby?

It's your mom.

Ah! Good old Mom. Hello!

- Sylvester? Sylvester?
- Is that you, Mom?

Of course it's me.
I've been trying to get to you all morning.

I've been a little busy.

I've been working
and I didn't hear the phone.

Hold on a minute, will you, Mom?

Baby, how about a beer or something?
Man, I feel like...

Will you listen?
Something's happened.

There was an accident this morning.
A man got killed!

Who, Mom?
Who got killed?

- Now, listen!
- You all right?

- Pay attention!
- Sis all right?

- Sylvester, will you listen?
- What's the matter, Mom?

Sylvester, can you hear me?

There's a whole fortune in cash.

You can get it before anybody else,
but you've got to hurry!

What's the matter? What's going
on there? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. Sylvester!

Are Russell and Emeline with you?

Forget about Russell.
Will you shut up and let me talk?

What's going on? Where's Russell?

Don't even mention Russell!

- When I tell you what Russell did...
- Just tell him about the dough.

Keep out of this! Shut up!

- Don't talk. Just listen.
- What did Russell do?

He assaulted me, if you wanna know!
He grabbed me beside the road.

He and this Englishman I don't even know!

Who's with you and where are you?

I'm with this truck driver
in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.

Will you shut up a minute
so I can tell you what happened?

Listen to me close! Stay there,
'cause I'm coming to get you right now.

- Will you shut up and listen!
- Everything's going to be all right.

Your baby's coming to get you.

- Sit there. Relax. Take it easy.
- Sylvester!

I'm coming to get you, mom.
Everything's going to be all right.

It's my mom.
She's going crazy or something.

Maybe raped! Oh!

Well?

So he's coming here.
And I'm not to worry about a thing,

because "everything
is going to be all right".

Exactly like your father:
A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

I tell you, he's exactly like your father!

Oh, mother, how can you say
a thing like that about your own...

What are you just standing there for? Come on!
What we're waiting for? Let's get going!

- What do you thing you're doing?
- I gotta pick your car.

You can't take my car!

- It's my mother!
- It's my husband's!

- What will my husband say?
- He's going to leave you!

- Sylvester!
- I'm coming, mama!

Sylvester!

You better make up a story,
something to tell them.

If they see this damage, you're done!

Come on!

Look, I was here first!
I got here first, ahead of all of 'em!

I got the plane! I had the whole thing
right in the palm of my hand.

And all I needed was a pick and a shovel.

What are you staring at?

A blowtorch.

I could burn our way outta here.

I could burn the lock
right out of that door.

Don't make them so sweet this time.

You've had two already.
Can't you wait till we're on the ground?

What are you talking about?
I'll make the next batch.

You take the controls.

- I don't know how to fly an airplane.
- There's really nothing to it.

- But Benjy can't fly!
- Nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.

I'll check you out.
Put your little hands on the wheel.

That's it. Now you have it.
Now the feet on the rudder.

There you are, feet on the rudder.

Who says this boy can't fly a plane?
There you go.

I'm making an Old Fashioned
the old-fashioned way...

the way dear old Dad used to.

What if something happens?

What can happen
to an Old Fashioned, all right?

Hey, Benjy, I know you don't know
what to do, so don't do nothing.

- I won't do nothing.
- That boy's a natural-born flyer.

Wait a minute. Benjy! Benjy!
Ease back on her!

- I'm easing.
- Ease back a little!

- I'm trying my best.
- All kidding aside...

I'm not kidding any longer.
It's making me...

nervous!
Hey! We've got an accident back here!

- What happened?
- I don't know!

- Whatever, I'll find out!
- What happened? - Wait a minute!

Mr. Fitzgerald! Mr. Fitzgerald!

- Ey, Benjy!
- What?

You won't believe it, but he hit his head!
He's knocked himself cold!

- Do something! Do something!
- What can I do?

- Throw water on him!
- Throw water!

Yeah! Yeah!

Not on me!

It's good that truck pulled over.
I can't stand this anymore.

In the name of reason,
pull yourself together.

You were 10 feet over the line.

Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it?
Right. Stick them up!

- No! No!
- Come here, you coward!

- Come here!
- No! Don't hit me!

- Stop, you!
- Don't hit me!

- Blood.
- It certainly is.

Come back here, you blimey...

You want to play dirty, huh? Okay!

Foul! Foul!

You're not much good without that
horrible mother-in-law of yours, are you?

Come on. Fight!

You thought you had me, didn't you?

I'll kill you. I swear!

No, stop, please! No, please.

- Hello. Hello there.
- Don't shut the motor off!

I'm not shutting anything off!
Hello, anybody! Can anybody hear me?

- I can hear you!
- I don't care if you hear me!

Look, I wanna be...

- I don't know whether we're on the air.
- Mayday. Call mayday!

Mayday! Mayday, we're up here!
Can you hear us? Help!

- Benjy, say something.
- Help! Help!

Your daughter, Sir, she's on the other line.

I think there's something wrong.

Hello? Billie Sue?

- Billie Sue, where are you?
- I'm at the bus station.

I only called
because Mommy said I absolutely...

Now, Billie Sue, sweetie,
what are you doing in the bus station?

I'm waiting for the bus.

Oh, now, sweetie, would you just
listen to me for a minute?

Billie Sue, now try to understand:

When this things start... em...
now, honestly, I don't know what happened,

but all I wanted to do is to celebrate.

Well, I don't gonna see
what this has to do with that.

No, well, never mind that, because what
I want you to do is just turn in your ticket...

and then get in a cab and go home right away
and just wait till I can get there.

Now, will you do that for me, sweetheart?

Oh, please, will you, please,
do that one little thing for me?

Your wife.
She's on the other phone.

- Ginger? - Yeah?
- I've got Billie Sue on the other line.

Billie Sue, wait one minute, will you?

- Ginger?
- I'm here.

Ginger, can you hear Billie Sue?
She's crying.

Billie Sue!

She's in the bus station and she's crying,

but she's waiting for you to tell her.

- Billie Sue!
- Billie Sue, are you listening?

Billie?

- Are you listening to your mother?
- Billie Sue, your mother is speaking.

- Listen to your mother, sweetie.
- Billie Sue!

Billie Sue! Listen to your mother!

Listen, let me tell you something: Everything
that's happened to my daughter and me today...

only happened for one reason
and that was because you were too stupid...

to look where you were going
and wrecked our car in the first place!

Oh, yeah?

You either get out of that truck
or I'm going to throw you out.

Oh, please, Mr. Pike, don't get upset.

You're not going to do anything.
Drive on, you big, stupid idiot.

I'll bet you anything
it was her idea right back there

to pass me by on that bicycle. Now what?

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize
what your husbands been going through.

Well, I've had it just about up to here.

Come on, lady, I'm talking to you.
Get out of the truck!

Well, I'm getting though. Excuse me.

I'm not! I'm not even moving!

I've got as much right as you got
to be in this truck,

because you stole it and that's the
first thing I'm gonna tell the police,

if you don't get back in this truck
and drive us to Rosita Beach State Park!

Mommy, don't worry.
Your baby's coming to save you!

Oh! Mr. Pike! Mr. Pike, please!

- Let me go! Get away from me!
- That isn't nice a bit!

- Mother!
- That isn't a nice way to pick up a shoe!

Please, help me!

- Ouuh!
- Stop the car!

That's what I'm here for.
That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.

Help me! Ah!

Emeline! Ah!

Yeah, yeah.

It's practically burned through.

Just a couple blows with the
sledgehammer and we're out.

Stand back!

Hey! Wait a minute!

I can't cross here!

You said the main road.
This is Niagara Falls.

All right, look. You're a little boy.

If you want to be a big boy,
which way to the main road?

Don't! Don't!

Get off!

- Let go!
- I won't let you go!

Get me out of here!

- Get me out of here!
- Take your own pension!

That's enough!

You thought you had me, uh?

You thought you had me! Come on!

Captain! I'm sorry.
The Chief wants to see you.

You wouldn't believe it.

- You couldn't believe it!
- What?

I'll tell you, I've never been
so disgusted in my whole life.

It's no! The answer is no.

He won't back any increase in pensions.
He won't even talk about it.

And there won't be any increase in pensions.
And do you know why?

Because they got a solid majority...

of both Republicans and Democrats
who've agreed...

that if anything is said about pensions,
they'll actually reduce your pension!

Why? Because they know
that you personally...

were more responsible than anybody
else for closing down the houses.

And could I do anything?
Would he listen to me?

All right, so you're an honest cop...

and you've spent a lifetime
being an honest cop.

And you've got that,
and that's all you've got!

It's no good saying I'm sorry.

I'm too angry and sick at
my stomach to be sorry.

You're not even listening to what I'm saying
and that's the trouble with this whole family,

with you, with daddy and granny and uncle
Michael, everybody. But nobody ever listens!

- Billie!
- They don't listen a minute to anything...

- or to anybody else...
- Billie Sue! Billie Sue!

Melville, I smell something burning.

We're on fire! Come over here.

Come on. This way. Go down. Now. Go.

Hurry up!

Put it out!

I don't know how! Get something!

- The extinguishers.
- Get one!

- What'll I do?
- Use it!

Not on me! On the fire!

It's too deep!
This is a car, not a canoe!

Come on! It's easy!

If I don't get out of here... Why? Why?

All right! Here I come!

It's too deep!

It's too deep, you little rat fink!

Why didn't you tell me it was...
What do I...

Don't stand there! Get somebody! Don't...

This is no place for a convertible!

I'll get you! I'll get you!

I'm bleeding, Emeline! Look! I'm bleeding!

Mama! What did they do to my Mama?

Benjy!

THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES

It's your father's fault.

- The whole thing is your father's fault.
- Oh, Mommy.

Everything is your father's fault.

What's the matter, Chief?
Something wrong?

- You know as well as I do...
- Mommy, will you listen and stop yelling!

Stop it, Billie.
Billie, you're not listening.

~ Well, step into the lobby ~

~ For whatever is your hobby ~

~ To drink or smoke or repeat some joke ~

~ From the mad, mad, mad, mad world ~

POLICE RADIO CALLS

Central to all units.

Central to all units.

Report, all units. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4.
Finch and the Englishman stopped fighting.

They're back on the road and they're
getting right in the beer truck. Over.

F7 to Central.
There's a fire in the basement...

and a lot of smoke's coming out
of the ventilator. Over.

4-2-7-Echo to Central.
We can see the man Otto Meyer now.

He found a shallow spot in the creek
but that kid is throwing rocks at him.

Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3.

The man Pike is down
by the breakdown truck now.

Mrs. Marcus is still inside it.

She's crying but she
just hit him again. Over.

3-8-9-Daisy to Central.
There's something wrong in that plane.

They've been flying upside down
for four minutes. Over.

2-1-8-4-2-1-4-9.

Sylvester Marcus is still
moving east on Highway 94.

He's hitting over a hundred now.
It's all we can do to stay with him.

Over.

F7 to Central.
We think they've put the fire out now.

It's all quiet in the basement. Over.

Central to all units. Come in, all units.

Over.

F7 to Central.
There's some pounding in the basement now.

He's using the sledgehammer again. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4.

The beer truck with
Finch and the Englishman...

has stopped outside the Avis
rent-a-car agency in Canyon City.

They're going inside. Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3.

Pike and Mrs. Marcus and her daughter
are back in the tow truck...

and proceeding west on
Highway 80, doing 70. Over.

3-8-9-Daisy to Central.
The plane's still in the air,

but they just bust a state highway
and caused a four-car-smash-up. Over.

F7 to Central.

He has stopped pounding
with the sledgehammer now.

It's all quiet in the basement again. Over.

Central to all units.

Come in, all units. Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3. Pike and the two women are
now proceeding west on Highway 94. Over.

2-1-8-4-2-1-4-9.
Sylvester Marcus is still moving east on 94.

Looks like he may be meeting his mother
pretty soon. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4.

Finch and the Englishman rented a blue Chevy
and are on their way again. Over.

4-2-7-Echo to Central.

The man Meyer is still sitting
on a rock in the middle of the creek.

He's shouting at the kid,
but the kid's been gone for 20 minutes.

Over.

F7 to Central.

We can hear the moving in the basement again.

They must be trying something else. Over.

ENTR'ACTE

Now stop it. Stop it, Monica!

It's only a couple of pieces
of small dynamite,

and they're 70 feet away in the other room,

and this is a strong counter.
We can't possibly get hurt from there.

FIREWORKS HIGHLY INFLAMMABLE
HANDLE WITH CARE

Please, Melville, go and stop it.
Stamp on it or something.

- You know I hate explosions.
- Look, it's perfectly all right.

All I wanna do is to blow a little hole
in the wall, and then we'll be out of here.

Something's happened to the fuse.

- What could possibly...
- Hold it. Sh!

Listen.

The fuse has gone out.
I can't hear it anymore.

- Stay down. Don't get up.
- I just wanna take a look, okay?

Huh! Now I see.

It's the fire extinguisher stuff.

The fire extinguisher stuff got
all over the fuse and put it out.

Melville, don't you go in there!
You'll be killed!

- You'll be blown to bits!
- Monica, for heaven's sake!

I just wanna go in there to take a look!

Why do you always imagine
I can't do things for myself?

Don't you think I got any sense at all?

Why can't you have
a little confidence in me?

- I'll never be bad again!
- Whoever said you could fly?

What do ya want from me?
How long I been flying?

- Keep it going!
- Can't you talk to that radio?

Hello, anybody on the ground!
On the ground, anybody!

We're up here! Can you hear us?

- Stand back!
- Everybody, stand back!

Stand back, folks!
Folks, stand back!

This is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Do you hear me?

- We don't know who they are.
- This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

Aircraft calling Rancho Conejo Tower.
This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

Hey, Benjy, I got 'em! I got 'em!

I got 'em!
Hello, down there on the ground.

This is us up in the air. We're in trouble!

We're in an awful jam. Listen. Hello?

Oh, Benjy, I think I lost them.

Wait a minute.
You're not using the set the right way.

You press your switch in to transmit.
And when it's released, you're on receive.

Can you understand me?
This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

- Where are you and who are you? Over.
- I know how to work it, Benjy boy!

I know how to work it. Watch it!
Hello, down on the ground.

This is us up in the air.
And listen...

We're in this fella's plane,see.

He... he knocked himself out,

because he drank a whole case of bourbon
and he felt down and hit his head.

What do we do?

The switch, let go of the switch!

If you can, give us your position.

Who's flying the plane? Over.

What do you mean,
"Who's flying the plane?"

Nobody's flying the plane!

Can't you understand?
We're in real trouble.

There it is! Let me.

Rancho Conejo Tower, listen.
We've got you spotted, we can see you.

Now you've got to hold that course.

You think you can hold that plane on course
long enough for us to get something organized?

Rancho Conejo, over.

No, listen, I keep telling you:
We can't do anything.

You gotta get somebody
else to do something!

Can we parachute?

Sir? Tower here. Emergency.
We have contact...

Tell him it's a full emergency.
We'll try and talk 'em down.

Full emergency.
We'll try and talk 'em down.

It's a Twin Beech.
I saw one here this morning.

Who's got a Twin Beech?
It's that colonel, Colonel Wilberforce.

He was at maintenance.
If he's still there, get him over here.

Rancho Canejo Tower.
Now listen. Don't talk, just listen.

We're getting things under control,
so you can take it easy.

We know what kind of a plane you're in.
We can see you.

And we're making necessary preparations
to talk you down.

Rancho Conejo. Over.

Rancho Conejo tower, listen,
we can't land this thing!

We're in real trouble. Over!

You'll be perfectly all right
as long as you follow instructions.

The man at the controls should
also be the man on the radio.

- Here. Put 'em on.
- No. I don't want to!

Put 'em on!

He said the fella flying
should be talking on this thing.

Am I supposed to do everything?
You want me to fly, work the radio?

What are you? The hostess?

No, he's got to take charge of this situation!
What's the matter with him anyway?

He's just sitting there, rigid-like.

If he catches you at that keyhole,
you'll be rigid-like.

- He didn't want to be disturbed.
- He keeps looking at the wall.

He'll have to be disturbed
if any of this develops further.

I bet you any amount of money that
we could get on the ball and get...

Everything's under control, Chief.

- You okay, Chief?
- Yes. Why?

- How's it going?
- Something's bound to happen sooner or later.

Oh, take a look at this.

Those two in the basement
first of all started a fire,

then set off a lot of fireworks.
They still didn't get out.

Those two characters in the airplane
had a little accident...

knocked the pilot unconscious.

The control tower
is trying to talk them down.

The others...

Aerial report that the man,
Otto Meyer, had an accident.

He tried to cross a river
and he lost his car.

Now he's on foot,
walking back to the main road.

This fella Pike, he's here,

coming in on 94 with Mrs. Marcus
and her daughter, Mrs. Finch.

Mr. Finch and this Algernon,
whatever his name is, the Limey,

they're about five or six miles behind in a
Avis Chevrolet, they rented in Canyon City.

And this Sylvester Marcus,
the one the old lady called,

he's about here,
going in the other direction.

They all ought to be meeting up
in about five or ten minutes.

You know what I believe I'd like?

A Chocolate Fudge Sundae
with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Nothing will happen here for five minutes.

Mrs. Culpeper's on the phone.

No calls. No more calls.

No more calls.

Wow! What's with him?

- Something's wrong.
- Why? Something's gotta be wrong?

He feels like, uh...
a Chocolate Fudge Sundae.

So, what? He has a Chocolate Fudge Sundae.

- Hey, Benjy! Benjy! Don't hit those trees!
- That part is a saw up. - Pull up!

Dingy, don't let this worry you:
We're gonna get killed.

Men, this is Colonel Wilberforce speaking.

These gentlemen here have asked me
to take charge of this situation,

so, I immediately said
that I'd be glad to take charge of it.

Now, before I say anything else...

I don't think he's gonna help us, Dingy.

Yes, he is, Benjy. He'll help us.

Now, just have confidence in him.
He's a colonel. Listen to him.

Steady, men.

I'm told that neither of you
has had flying experience.

Before I say anything else,

I want to congratulate you
on having done so well...

uh, so far.

Now, first of all, men,
I'll explain what we intend to do.

You can't land the airplane
until you've made your approach.

And you can't make your approach until
you've made a long slow turnaround...

down to the south.

And we've got to be clear on a few things
before you can start that long slow turn.

Now, the stick that you're holding there...
that is... I assume, that...

Men, are you holding that stick?

Is somebody holding that stick? Over!

What stick? Oh, the wheel.
I'm holding it.

- We're both holding it.
- Oh, good.

For a second there, I was afraid...
Never mind that.

Now I'll explain the controls. It's very important
that you understand the controls.

Because if you don't,
I'm afraid what might...

Hello?

I was afraid you weren't
gonna be at home, Jimmy.

Hey, is this who I think it is?
Is this Captain Culpeper?

What are you calling me for?

Why? I was wondering
how that 'Natalie Anders' is these days.

Well, she's fine. But why?

Well, I was thinking
about a little trip, Jimmy.

You?

You mean, with me?

I thought we could just slip quietly out
on a sort of cruise to the south.

You know, Jimmy?

You mean a round trip or just one-way?

Just one-way, Jimmy.

- Could we go right away?
- Oh, sure.

Uh, but wait.

Is there something in it for me?

There's something in it for everybody, Jimmy.

Listen, if you are throwing me a curve...

No, I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I won't be long. Thanks a lot, Jimmy.

- You want a lift?
- Yes, thank you very much.

It's awful nice of you to stop.

- I'm going as far as Santa Rosita Park.
- That's out of my way.

- We're blocking traffic.
- We are?

Let's move it. Move it.

There we go. All right.

Can you go just over, hide behind
the counter, and I'll light up a fuse.

Melville, will you just do one thing
for me before you use the dynamite?

Try hitting the door just once more.

Honey, I broke my back on that door.
That's a hard door. I mean...

Okay.

Where's the sledgehammer?

This staircase isn't safe.
The fire burned it all out.

Please?

All right.

You're going to...

Melville, for God...

Melville!

Monica,

now let's forget about the door, huh?

Look out!

- What?
- They've spotted us.

- Who have?
- Don't stop. Keep going.

- What is this?
- That helicopter. They've seen us.

What helicopter?

That's a police helicopter.

That's what it looks like.
They always use them.

- Who?
- Who do you think? Look...

I don't want to talk about this,
but they got me hemmed in.

- Who have?
- Will you shut up and listen?

I'm going to break a rule that says
we must never reveal our true identity.

This is a matter of life or death,
a desperate situation.

- What is?
- Will you shut up and listen?

Look, I haven't got much time,
so if you love your country,

if you're a patriot,
you'll listen and you'll listen hard.

You gotta get to a phone and make a call.

- I don't got...
- You got to call Intelligence.

Central Intelligence Agency
in Washington, D.C.

- What on earth...
- Now, listen!

You tell 'em you heard from X-27.
You got it? X-27.

X-27 told you to tell them they've made
three attempts on my life today.

They have my down in Silvermine
and tried to drown me.

Can you handle a gun? Now, look... Oh!

There's a cafe. Pull right in there.
You'll use that phone.

- I don't think I wanna get to a phone...
- Shut up! You're in no danger.

They've never seen ya. Now, pull in.

All right, good. Get to a phone.

Tell the operator "emergency priority,"
then ask for the CIA.

Jump out. Come on, come on.

You're in no danger.
They don't know you.

You're all right. I'll duck the car
and I'll come back for you.

For God's sake,
don't stand in the street.

They'll see you. They'll spot you!

Move it! Go! Yahaa! Go!

But I still say:
When we get to Santa Rosita,

we're to go straight to the police.

No. First we go out to that park,

and if we find that the others
have already been there and gone,

then we go straight to the police,

because for all we know,
there may be a reward.

And... Sylvester! It's Sylvester!

Turn around, you idiot!

What do you want to stop him for?
He's going the wrong way.

It's my son.
Do as you're told, stupid.

They're nuts.

Tell them the tow truck turned around
and is following the Dodge.

2-1-7-1-2-1-5-9.

This is stupid.

You call me a stupid idiot.

Let me tell you something.
You're a stupid idiot.

- He'll go all the way to Plaster City.
- So he goes to Plaster City.

I don't know about you,
but I'm turning this thing around.

Now, you want to catch him,
you get out and run.

Let's stop arguing, please.

The only reason we're together
is because they only had one car.

Let's get there, even if we are last.

Whatever the outcome of the day,
I shall never forget that you hit me...

when I wasn't even looking.

Yeah.

Hey, Russell! Russell!

- How can you possibly be so slow?
- I've had just about enough out of you.

If you've been quicker turning around
we could've caught him!

- Why don't you shut up?
- Russell! There!

It's Russell and Mr. Hawthorne!

Stop them! Catch them!

We gonna start that again?

Faster! Step on it!
Blow the horn, you big dope!

What do you want them for anyway?

Keep up with them. You're falling behind.

Sylvester! Mother! Sylvester!

Stop him! Don't let him get away!

I say, what's that chap
honking his hooter for?

It's probably some road hog
who thinks he owns...

- What?
- What?

I got to ask you something about Mama!
Russell, wait a minute!

It's my brother-in-law. What's he doing?

Be careful of him. He's not normal.

You're getting me...
Boy, are you bugging me, man!

I'm going to nail...
I'm getting bugged now! Whoa, man.

Russell, if you don't pull over, I'll kill you!
I'm warning you! Pull over and stop!

I said stop!

You asked for it.

Russell, when I get my hands on you...

What are you doing?

- I said stop!
- Are you crazy?

- We'll get killed!
- Pull over!

Don't you know what I mean?
I said stop that car!

When I get my hands on you, Russell,
I will kill you!

Are you crazy?

I've never seen anything like this bunch.

He ran right into them,
ran them right off the road.

- You guys, come on out of there!
- Fellow's absolutely beside himself.

- Sylvester, what are you trying to do?
- Come on, let's go!

What did you do to my mother?

We wouldn't do anything
to your sweet little mother!

Come on! Move! Move!

- What did you do to my mother?
- I didn't do anything! Let me explain.

Look here.

She called me. She phoned me.

What she told me was so horrible,
I thought she'd gone nuts!

- It was true, wasn't it?
- It's not true.

Whoever told you that, she was a liar.
It's not true.

- It is true!
- Now, look here!

Are you English? Just answer me!

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.
Don't you like the English?

She said, there was an Englishman.

She said that you and this Englishman...
I'll kill you!

What did you do to my Mama?

- Emeline! Emeline!
- Sylvester! - Mama!

Why couldn't you listen?
Why couldn't you shut up...

when I was trying to tell you to listen?

Have a care!
That chap's run absolutely amok!

But how come... you... I thought that...

Mama, you told me when you called me
on the telephone, you told me that he...

Why do I wanna say a thing like that?
Say, what is this?

What's going on here?
Will somebody please tell me?

Oh, shut up, will you?
You should've had sense enough to listen!

Sweety, I couldn't help it.
You know that, honeybunch.

Russell, you shouldn't have done
what you did!

What? What did he do?

Tell me what he did.
I will rip his ugly head off!

No, no, please. Let's stop it. We're wasting
too much time. We're wasting too much time!

Okay, okay, I've had enough.
I'll see you around, okay?

You stay right where you are!
You admitted that you stole that truck.

We can have you picked up in 2 minutes.

Listen, will somebody tell me what's going on?
Somebody give me one word of information!

I told you what!
There was an accident this morning!

Yeah... I mean, it's true!
What about the money being buried?

That's true. It's true!

And while the others are there already,
we're standing here arguing.

Well, let's get moving, before the others...
What others? Who are the others?

Nobody! But that we will
explain it all on the way!

- I say, we don't appear to have a motorcar.
- Yeah, I won't be able to get mine out either.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Just let me tell you something.

You go your way and I'll go my way.

Okay? I'll see you around.

Hold it, buster. Looks like we're all gonna
use this truck. You know this neighborhood?

- No.
- But I do. So, I'll drive.

Mama, make up your mind! What you wanna do?
You wanna take them with us or not?

We'll have to take them with us!
Otherwise they're gonna call the police!

All right! You two guys jump
in the back of the truck!

You too! Sis and Mom are
right up front with me!

Come on, Mama, let's go!
Everybody in the truck! Everybody in!

Now, in a couple of minutes
we'll have them in position, Colonel.

In another couple of minutes, men,
we'll have you in position.

- You're doing a great job, Colonel.
- Thank you.

Why don't we just shoot 'em down
and be through with it?

- Oh oh.
- Oh oh, man!

- He's gonna pull up, isn't he?
- Why don't you pull up? Aren't you, man?

None of these people must suspect...

that they have ever been under observation.

Now, none of them have ever seen me.

None of them know me,

so I'll be moving in alone.

The minute I move in,
I'll give you the word.

And when you pass the word,

I don't want to have another
policeman within miles of me.

- Right?
- Right.

I, uh...

I won't like it if I see another policeman.

And I give you my word.

I wanted to stop for you.
My wife and he wanted to stop for you.

Tell him how my mother-in-law
made us drive by him.

Listen. Anything you have to say
about your mother-in-law...

you don't have to explain to me.

You know what I mean?

If she were a star
of a real crummy horror movie...

I'd believe it.

Yeah!

That's him!

If I catch you, I'll kill you!
I tell you, I'll kill you!

You dirty robber!

Someone you know?

I'll drive. All set?

All set, Chief.

Culpeper, all set?

Yes, Sir, all set. Airport just reported
that they're starting a landing approach now.

Right.

SANTA ROSITA POLICE DEPARTMENT

What's the matter, Chief?
You forgotten something?

No. I don't think I've forgotten a thing.

Now, men, about the brakes...
You've got to know about the brakes.

I wanna tell you about
the brakes in just a minute.

Just hold it a minute.
Just be... just patient.

What the hell is with this wire here?

Just hold it a second, will ya?

What was that?

Men, look.

Now, just hold a minute!
Just be patient for one little minute.

- Hold it! Hold it!
- Yes, sir, yes.

No, that's not it.

Left... no! That's not it.

- On second thought, men, you
won't need the brakes. - Sir... Sir.

On second thought, men,
you won't need to use the brakes.

The runway is so long here,
that when you throttle back,

the plane will just come
to a full stop naturally.

Yes. So, forget about the brakes, men!

- I tell you, you won't need the brakes!
- But, Colonel...

All right now, men. All right now, men.
The chips are down!

Be calm. This is it.

Just one minute more, men,
and it'll be all over.

I mean, it'll all be over.
I mean, courage, men.

We're all with you down here
every second on the way, men.

We're all pulling for you
just as hard as we can.

So, now it's just hold onto
your nerves, men,

and not get excited
or do anything foolish.

But just keep calm.
That's all we gotta do, men.

Keep calm. Calm, men!

Not that calm, you idiot!

Pull up!

Now, don't worry. Just keep calm.

What's this? What's this that's coming?

- That's good. That's cement.
- What? Wait a minute! Hold it!

What are you doing, Benjy?

- What, are you trying to scare me?
- No!

Well, you did.

It's just a couple of sticks
of dynamite, that's all.

How much noise could it make?
Boom. It's all over.

Get it over right! Get it over!

Left rudder!

Too low! Pull up.

No! Left rudder!

No! Pull it up!

Help!

Help! I'm the Colonel, you know!

Help! Help!

Help! Get me down!

We're not going to land
and we'll never make it.

What do you mean, we'll never make it?
Don't freeze.

Benjy, don't freeze.

This one's going to work.

- Damn it, come to!
- You hit me.

Listen, wait a minute.

We're down!

- We're on the ground.
- Hooray!

It's just a noise, that's all.
It's way over there.

- Put on the brakes.
- The brakes, okay. Where are they?

Benjy! Here comes a restaurant!

We've landed! Come on.

Come on. Hurry. Now, hurry up.

- Come on, let's go.
- What about him?

Never mind about him.
An ambulance will come.

Let's get out of here.
Come on!

Cab! Cab!

Listen! We're in an awful hurry.
Do you know where the State Park is?

Sure. What happened?

Emergency landing. Come on, hurry.

Quick, let's go. Come on.

Come on, Benjy.

Oh! Excuse me.

Excuse us.
Here's your bag.

You see, the lock didn't work.

Go.

That's all.
The owners will pay for everything.

Next door, he'll pay for everything.
It's okay.

You people. You!

Come back here. Come back!

You vandals!

The cops in this town are morons, retarded.

I'm dealing with moronic people.

'Cause he's in a bad humor, that fat Nazi.

What, I gotta suffer 'cause of him?

Get away from me. What's the matter?

Can't you see I'm on the phone?
Gimme two minutes!

Now, listen, Sy...

Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park?

What's the matter?
What happened to you? Initiation?

We had an accident. Hurry up!

Benjamin and Bell stopped
at a gardener supply place

on Ocean Boulevard
and bought picks and shovels.

Hold it, Chief.
Here's a report on the Crumps.

Their cab has turned onto 101, moving south,
toward your present position.

Wait. The other taxi's
also turning onto 101,

and they're moving north.
They're both coming your way.

Understood.

Stand by.

- They ought to be here any minute.
- Uh-huh.

Look. It's the two idiots, the little one
and the one with the marbles in his mouth.

- Hey! It's that hokey dentist!
- Yeah.

Pass that cab.

- What's the rush?
- What do you mean "rush"?

No rush. We're just in a hurry.

Culpeper.

Now!

Give the order to pull away.

- Come on. Hurry up.
- Shouldn't I wait around?

No. Here's $ 5.

- What's with the pick and shovel?
- Mind your own business. Come on.

Hey! Hey!

- Think anybody is here?
- Didn't see any cars.

Wait a minute!

- Let's talk this over.
- I got nothing to talk about.

Wait a minute.

Think anybody else has been here?

- How should I know? Come on, Monica.
- Wait a minute!

If you think we're the first ones here,
why not make a deal? The four of us.

Nobody knows where to look,
so we'll look together.

We'll find it before the others.
Incidentally, where are all the others?

How come you two just got here?
You had the plane.

Yeah... What happened to you?

They're up to something funny, you hear?

Did you see the blonde I brought,
covered in paint with her dress ripped?

What's that all about?

Yeah. And what about
the picks and shovels?

Sort of piques your curiosity, don't it?

You better run back to headquarters.
Wait till you hear from me.

Let me go with you, Chief.

No. I'd like to, but it might
snarl things up a little.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of luck, Chief.

Hey, Benjy! Did you see anything, pal?

No, but there must be
something somewhere.

- See anything?
- Not a thing.

Are you sure he didn't say
something you've forgotten?

He said it's buried under a big W
and that we'd see it.

- It's gotta be here.
- I tell you what we do.

You go how we came. We'll go how you came.

We might have missed something. Hold it.

You go the way we came... and we'll go...

That's right. Okay, let's go.

They're looking for something
buried under a big W.

I heard one of them, the stutterer, say it.

Yeah, I heard. But what?

Did you see anything?

- No. Did you?
- Nothing.

That guy hid it so good,
he couldn't find it himself.

I think...

- Who's he?
- I don't know.

But he had a shovel.

Maybe he's a prospector.

- What are you talking...
- We're wasting time.

Harder. We gotta look harder!

Let's look harder. Come on, let's go.

- Who's he?
- I don't know, but he hasn't got a shovel.

- Melville, I've got it.
- You've got it?

Yes. When we were kids and we lost something,
all we did was close our eyes real tight,

then turn around three times fast
and walk straight ahead

open our eyes and there it was.
It was always there.

Monica, that's kids' stuff.
We look for the big W, don't you understand?

- We can't do any harm we haven't done yet.
- Monica, what...

Now, don't worry, let me try.

One, two, three.

And now I walk straight ahead.

Monica!

Monica! Monica!
I can't understand why you did that.

What's the matter with you?

Monica, will you stop playing games?

- But it always worked when we were kids.
- Uh, here's your bag.

Come on, let's go. Hurry up, huh.

Hurry up!

- He's here, I tell ya.
- Yes, sir. That's his car.

- I would like to put my hands on that phony.
- Somebody must've come in those cabs.

- Come on, let's get moving!
- Come on, let's get moving!

- They must be here.
- They'd better be. Come on, Emeline.

- Don't just sit there!
- Don't just sit there!

- Yes, I am.
- Come on, mother...

Then sit, Emeline!

Mrs. Finch,
aren't you the teeniest bit curious?

No. I'm not even curious,
Mr. Hawthorne, just disgusted.

I say, that really is a pity.
Do forgive me, I must go.

You wouldn't know a big W if you saw one!

- I know a...
- Shut up!

I don't care what you say,
I don't think they're here yet.

They're here somewhere.
That means they haven't found it.

You sure, that's all he said?
"Under a big W"?

Well, actually, it was after that
when joined the party.

Yes, sir, that's what he said.
It's under a big W.

- Let's look over there.
- Will you shut up and follow me?

- Who are they?
- I don't know!

- From this morning?
- Yes.

- Who's he?
- I don't know.

- Who's he?
- I don't know!

Mama, how many people
are mixed up in this thing?

Mama, who are they? Cabbies?

Mama, this thing's like a convention.

Is anything wrong, ma'am? I didn't
mean to startle you. Are you all right?

Who are you? Are you with the others,
the ones that are looking?

- Well, I am, in a way. Aren't you?
- No.

I mean, I didn't want anything
to do with it right from the start.

And you know what?

I know where it is. I'm the only one,
and I wasn't even looking.

- You know where it is?
- Yes! I don't know what I should do.

Come on out, all of you!
This is ridiculous!

- I absolutely agree with you, Mrs. Marcus.
- Oh, come on out!

We all know we're all here.
Nobody's fooling anyone.

Okay. So we all know. So what?

Don't talk to my mama
in that tone of voice! You hear.

- You hear?
- Shut up!

Hey, listen, we ain't the only ones here.
I've seen at least four or five other guys.

That's right. Those two cab drivers.
I saw them.

- They came with us and that dentist.
- You wanna start?

- Yes, I want to...
- Why are we wasting so much time?

We all know that we're all here.

Even if somebody finds the money,
nobody gets away with it...

unless everybody gets a share.

Let's all get sensible
and get this thing organized.

Did you all hear what Mama said?

- Come on, Mama.
- Now, wait a minute.

Did any of you see a guy with glasses...

with a real sneery expression on his face?

This guy was ugly. I mean, like, real ugly.

And if you help me dig it up,
you can have half and I'll have half.

Is that okay? I mean, is that fair?

Because if I have half of the money,

I can go away somewhere
where nobody can find me.

Not Russell or my mother
or Sylvester, anybody.

You don't know what that'd mean.

If I had enough money...

I might be able to live
in a convent or something.

- In a convent?
- Uh-huh.

We all know we're all here, right?

It seems intelligent to me
that we should all share...

in one equal share apiece,
is that right?

Right. Mel was right.

So, we all know that. Look, it...
There's no reason...

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.

It's him, all right. Yeah!

You got this wrong. I came to apologize.

Forgive and forget! I'm your friend.

Oh, he's so neurotic.
Can't you do something?

I'll get you.

- He's very neurotic. I'm your friend!
- When I get my hands on you, I tell you off.

Well, that's it.

Sure. Look!

It's the big W, I tell you! It's the big W!

- Look at this.
- Look at it!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Finch.

I'm afraid it's too late.

I think they've found it.

Right here all the time!
He wasn't kidding!

- He was telling the truth!
- Folks, isn't this great?

Congratulations. Well done.

Listen, I think the big boy should get
an extra share from all of us.

After all, it was he who found it.

Yes! I insist he gets an extra share.

That's right.
He deserves an extra share.

- Well, I...
- Look, why did'nt we just start digging...

Suppose somebody comes along.
What do we tell him?

Well, we can just say, we're here
with an anthropological expedition.

- Nah.
- We don't tell them anything!

We tell them to hit the road
or we beat their brains in.

Well, it was a nice dream.

Lasted almost five minutes.

- Now, don't bug me, I said.
- I just want to dig.

Faster.

Come on, dig, dig.

Faster, faster.

Faster. Dig. That's it, dig.

Faster.

There's not enough room. You two, out.

Let us do it.

Wait a minute. There's not enough
room and you're bugging me.

- "Bugging you"? What do you talking about?
- Cut out, cut out, cut out.

What's this "cut out" talk?

- Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
- Don't call me "baby".

- Quit arguing!
- Will ya? Come on!

- Oh, what's that?
- What was that?

- That's it.
- Sounded like you hit a chest.

- Did you hear that?
- I wonder what's in it.

Bring it up here!

There it is!

- It's a satchel.
- Hold it up!

- It's a satchel!
- I got it.

- I got it. - Look at it.
- Open it up. Open it up.

- Quick!
- Come on!

Bingo!

I say, chaps,
shouldn't we find a spot of cover?

There's nobody around.

Come on, come on.
Count it out. Count it out.

- What are we waiting for?
- Now wait a second!

Everybody's going to get something, so
no arguments. We all get equal shares!

Yeah. He's right.

That's the only way to do it.
Shares for everybody.

Now, how many are we?

1, 2,

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

14, 15.

15 of us. That means 15 equal shares.

You dirty double-crosser.
You cut yourself in for twice!

You can't get away with that!

Get him!

Grab him! Grab him!

Get him! Get him!

You only cheated yourself
because now you're out.

Listen! You can't cut me out now, you hear?

Not after what I've been through!

All right. Okay.

I'm warning you, if I don't get a share,
I'm going straight to the police.

- The police?
- What makes you think the police...

That money had to come from somewhere.

We know where it's from: That poor old man
that died on the mountain this morning.

You wasn't even there, so shut up.

Allright. Okay, you asked for it.
I'm going straight to the police.

What makes you believe the police
would be interested, Mr. Meyer?

Are you kidding? Isn't it obvious?

How do you think money gets...

How did you know my name?

You know this crook?

I've never met him, Mr. Pike,
but I've come to feel that I know him.

How did you know my name?
I've never met you at any place.

Yeah, who are you?

Didn't he come with you?

No. He didn't come with us.
We thought he came with you.

No.

If he didn't come with you nor with us,
then who are you?

I'm Captain Culpeper...

of the Santa Rosita Police Department.

Captain Culpeper is the best single
policeman in the history of this department.

He has the best record in the force.

He is the only completely
honest man I ever met.

So, as a reward for a lifetime service...

he gets pushed around now by you
and a crummy crowd of crooked councilmen.

- Will you come to the point?
- Yeah, I'm coming to the point.

The point is, I have enough stuff
in my private files,

stuff relating to civic building,

road contracts, harbor and cannery projects,

enough stuff to put you, the D.A., myself...

and a two-thirds majority behind bars
for the next 20 years.

And I give you my word, that's
exactly where everybody is going,

- unless certain things start happening now!
- Like what, for instance?

I want the pension
for Culpeper's grade trebled.

Not doubled, trebled.
I want Culpeper to retire with honor.

I want it on paper all over with your signature
and that's exactly what's going to happen,

and I want that paper in my hands
in 15 minutes...

or I'll have all the reporters
in town in here in 20.

You know the word for this, Your Honor.
It's called blackmail.

Sir, could you possibly see
your way clear to give us a break?

You kidding? Him give you a break?

We had a pretty rough day already. We...

We was all covered with dirt,
and we fell down in an airplane...

and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.

I know we don't deserve
any kindness, Captain,

but if you could help us,
I'm sure we'd all be inspired...

to go on and live better lives.

Well, there is one thing.

I don't know whether it would help or not,

but if, instead of my turning you in,

you went and turned yourselves in,

juries sometimes look very favorably
on things like that.

You'd let us do that?

What are we waiting for?
Let's turn ourselves in.

You must be a fine human being, Sir.

After all, why should you worry
whether we get a break or not?

Well, Mr. Meyer,
no matter what you've all done today,

you're not really criminals.

So if you like,
you can all hop into those two cabs...

and drive over to Santa Rosita...

and, uh, just walk in.

- Then let's do that.
- But, sir, we can't all fit.

You can't take the stolen vehicles.
Those have to stay to be picked up later.

- What are we waiting for?
- Let's go before he...

Back in the back.

Drive carefully.

They may be the last passengers
you'll ever carry.

Funny. That's funny.

Funny, right? Funny?

You could be the most
comical cop I ever met.

Yeah.

- Culpeper.
- Yes, sir.

Everything is under control here.

It'll take a little longer
because there was a joker in the deck...

that nobody knew about. All right?

Yes, sir.

So don't make a move of any kind
until you hear from me.

Yes, sir.

Boy, if only everybody
had listened to me

this morning, we wouldn't
have been in this predicament.

Why? What did you say this morning?

What I said was, everybody
should share 25 equal...

- Oh, come on...
- Not that awful...

No matter we all have done today,
you're really not criminal!

Ah! Of all that snooty, patronizing...
You're stepping on my foot!

Will you get off my mama's foot!

Listen, why does the man
want to give everybody a break?

- What's his angle there?
- I was wondering about that, too.

There's something very funny's going on here.
How's he know what we're going to do?

We're in enough of a mess.
We better do just what he said.

I'm tellin' you, the man
has got some kind of angle.

Wait a minute, wait. Hold it!

What is it? Can you see him?

- Just what does he think he's doing?
- That certainly is strange.

- Sure is.
- What is he doing?

- He's going the other way.
- Why are we standing here?

That's it!

We're off the hook!

Get out of here!
Come on, we're off!

Come on, get going.

- Ah!
- Holy mackerel. I almost didn't make it.

No other cops around. He planned it.

We were the only ones who
know where the money was.

He was waiting around
to take it away from us.

But if we find all the money first
and we turn it in, we're all be in the clear.

Let's just get the dough
and worry about the rest later.

- Look. He's slowing down.
- No, he's turning to the left.

What's going on?

Sorry, Jimmy.

He's heading for the border!

Listen! We should stop
and call the police station!

You shut up!

We're going to get that money.
Keep driving!

That woman is something else.

Will you take your foot
off the brake and let's go!

Stop hitting me. I'm driving.

- When you want a cab, you can't get one.
- Yeah, come on, let's go! Come on!

F-14 to Central.

Come in, F-14. What is it?

There's something phony here.

We're on 101 by Cortez
checking a mad-dog report.

Orders were to maintain silence.

Captain Culpeper wants
this channel kept clear.

We know it, but we saw Captain Culpeper.
He just went by doing 90 miles an hour.

I don't think I understand that, F-14.

Are you sure it was Captain Culpeper?

- Yep.
- Was he chasing anybody?

- Nope.
- Could he have been chasing anybody?

- Chief, there's the Mayor.
- Not a chance.

That's what struck us so funny.

There were about 15 people
in two cabs right behind him.

It looked like they were chasing him.

They were chasing him?
What's going on here?

I brought it myself.
Everything you asked for.

- The pension?
- Yeah.

- Call him! Try to get Captain Culpeper!
- Yes.

Calling Captain Culpeper.
Central Division. Urgent.

Calling Captain Culpeper. Captain Culpeper!

- This can only happen in America.
- You going to start that again?

You've got to believe me.
I'm going to be sick.

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy
or something? You're trying to kill us?

Don't make me nervous!
Just don't make me nervous!

- Don't let him get away!
- Cut him off!

Cut him off!
The other way!

Calling Captain Culpeper.
Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.

Now, listen to me, Culp.
Everything has been fixed.

There's been negotiations
and everything is all right.

Cut out this nonsense and answer me.

This is Aloysius speaking!

I still don't understand this.
What's it all about?

Well... That's it.

All units...

arrest Captain Culpeper.

Tell them.

Attention, all units.
Arrest Captain Culpeper.

This is Santa Rosita Central with orders.
Arrest Captain T. G. Culpeper.

Chief of Detectives Division of the
Santa Rosita Police Department.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am!

He went that way! Get him!
Come on! Go! Get him! Get him!

- Come on! Where is he?
- There he is! There he is!

- Come back!
- Get me out of here!

Just don't sit there. Come on!

- Come on! Come on!
- That's him!

KEEP OUT
BUILDING CONDEMNED

- Come on!
- Stop pushing, will ya?

Wait a minute! We got him.
Now, you women stay here!

What do you mean,
"You women stay here"?

You heard what he said, mother.
Stay here!

Come on! Let's go!

- Is he there?
- Where'd he go?

Halt! Halt!

Now, wait a minute. Listen.

Yeah!

Stop pushing!
Get the suitcase.

Look! Look up there!

...in this regard,
and there is no doubt...

Those ladders are not safe!

Hey! Ladders are not safe!
Get off! Move!

Sylvester, what are you doing up there?
You must be out of your mind!

- Wait a minute!
- Get the suitcase!

Sylvester! Come on down!

Don't you dare pushing me!
Get your finger off me!

You hit it off!
Don't you dare touch any of that money!

- You! Don't stand there!
- To your right!

Russell, hang on!

Dingy, I can't hold on!

Help us!

Get off my hand!

Move onto the ladder!

Hold on! Wait a minute!
One at a time! Did you hear me?

One at a time!

All right!

All right, you'll see. You'll see.

Get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy.

Quit stepping on my head!

Get on the ladder.

Get on the ladder.

Don't leave me! Come back here!

You can't leave me!

We can't control it.
There's too many men on it.

Hold it steady. Watch it.
She's whipping loose.

Wind us down! Wind us down!

I don't want the money!
I don't want the money!

Look out!

Get off! Get off!

She's going! Get out of there!

Emeline!

Help me, Mama!

It's all your fault.

It's your fault right from
beginning to the end.

You know, even for a policeman...

your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

You could've taken a fair share
like the rest of us,

but no, you had to grab up
the whole scene, baby.

We had $ 350,000 right in our hands.

Fourteen into $ 350,000...

Shut up.

I wish I knew what they were gonna do to us.

But no matter what happens to us,
what happens to you I hope will be worse.

I don't think you have to worry
too much about that.

My wife is divorcing me,

my mother-in-law is suing me for damages,

my daughter is applying to the courts
to have her name changed,

my pension has been revoked,

and the only reason that you 10 idiots...

will very likely get off lightly...

is because the judge will have
me up there to throw the book at.

Aw, that's tough. Oh!

I'd like to think that sometime,
maybe 10 or 20 years from now,

there'd be something
I could laugh at, anything.

Now, see here, you idiots,
it's all your fault.

Because if you hadn't...

Mama!

Don't you dare touch me!
Get away from me!

Let me go!
Leave me alone...!

THE END