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1
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(PHONE RINGS)
2
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Hello?
3
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Hello, Rob, Steve Coogan.
4
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:08,679
- Who's this?
- Steve Coogan.
5
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,039
Hey, how are you?
6
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,559
Great. How are you?
7
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,999
Yeah, good. Where are you?
8
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I'm in London. Just got back from filming
9
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,558
in New York. I play a chef.
It's called Medium Rare.
10
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,433
Anyway, they want me to do publicity
for the launch of the series.
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00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:21,469
(CHILD WAILS)
12
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They want me to do
a series of restaurant reviews
13
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,438
and this time a trip to Spain.
14
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(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
15
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EMMA: Oh, they're here.
16
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,397
Hey! Hello!
17
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,589
- Hola!
- Hola!
18
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:07,709
- How you doing?
- Hey.
19
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,149
- Good to see you.
- You too. How's it going?
20
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,191
- Thank you. How are you?
- Great.
21
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,798
- Very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
22
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Hey, you all right?
23
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,029
- Rob.
- Good to see you again.
24
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,479
- How was your flight?
- Yeah, it was very good.
25
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So, photographs.
26
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- Luggage is up the hill.
- What about them?
27
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(THEY LAUGH)
28
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ROB: These are about two sizes
too big, the shoes.
29
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STEVE: Yeah, this is really painful.
30
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I don't know how anyone
could fight in this stuff.
31
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What shoe size did you give them?
32
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The size that you sent me over.
33
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Seven?
These feel like a 10 or an 11.
34
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You've only got to wear them
for a minute, so...
35
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,154
- Are you all right, Steve?
- You guys ready?
36
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We could've got changed up here,
not down there.
37
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Let him push you up.
38
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One, two, three.
39
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OK.
40
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Let him give you a push.
41
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I can give you a hand.
42
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I don't need any help.
I've done it before.
43
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One, two, three.
44
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(GRUNTS)
45
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,836
- Hey! There you go!
- Good!
46
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It's just about getting the timing right.
47
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OK.
48
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There's no saddle.
49
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Right, thank you.
50
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- Hang on.
- OK, move your horses.
51
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Oh, oh!
52
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Miran un poquito la izquierda.
53
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,074
- Take the picture.
- Just take the picture.
54
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What's she doing there?
Is she on the internet?
55
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- (THEY SPEAK SPANISH)
- Just take the picture!
56
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I'm coming, Rob.
57
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Very good.
58
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,039
So, have you had proper
authentic Manchego?
59
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,877
We haven't had much
cheese and ham, full stop.
60
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:48,955
- Not really.
- Surprising.
61
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,195
So, we can have it here
cos Manchego cheese...
62
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Like, we're in the heart of La Mancha -
this is the place to try it.
63
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It's very special cos it's made
with milk of the local sheep.
64
00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,393
- Oh.
- How do you know all this?
65
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,512
Because I come from here,
from a town nearby.
66
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,437
- Oh, local girl.
- That's where I've been born, yeah.
67
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Lady of La Mancha.
68
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,749
One of many, actually,
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cos I lived and I was brought up
with my four sisters
70
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,917
and my five cousins, all of us
in the same house, nine girls.
71
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,678
- Wow. I'm one of five boys.
- Nine girls!
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- Really?
- Mm, yeah.
73
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God, I'm one of two boys.
74
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,270
- Yeah.
- That's incredible.
75
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,515
- How many in your family?
- I'm one of five girls, actually.
76
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,711
So, all from big families -
that's worth remarking on, Rob.
77
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(SPANISH ACCENT) Wait a moment.
Yolanda, you know,
78
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for Manchego cheese, is important
to show the real side of Spain.
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I remember one of the first movies
I make, The Cheesemaker's Daughter...
80
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,790
His Spanish is really coming on,
isn't it? Como estas?
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00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,149
Um... just a starter.
82
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(THEY LAUGH)
83
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- And probably skip...
- I simply said, "How are you?"
84
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- You're a fraud, Manchego.
- (OTHERS CHUCKLE)
85
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You're a British character actor...
86
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(SPANISH ACCENT) You said,
"How are you?" and I said,
87
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,232
"I'm just a starter."
I'm just starting out in life,
88
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,192
although my age - around my eyes
you see the years,
89
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,435
but still I retain
a little something, yeah?
90
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,792
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
91
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,398
So, what have you been up to, Rob?
92
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,271
- Theatre. I've been in the theatre.
- Right.
93
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,550
I was, um, working with Kenneth Branagh
94
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,919
- in the West End.
- Ah!
95
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,837
It wasn't Shakespeare.
You know that, don't you?
96
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- We weren't doing Shakespeare.
- I thought you were doing Shakespeare.
97
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No, it was a farce.
It was a trousers-down farce.
98
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,078
- No, God, you wouldn't do...
- Oh, right.
99
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You wouldn't do Shakespeare
with Branagh - no way.
100
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If you want, we can go later.
There's a theatre here.
101
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- It dates back to Cervantes' times.
- Oh, wow.
102
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Yeah, it's the symbol of
the golden age of Spanish theatre.
103
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Lope used to have his place there -
you know him? Lope de Vega?
104
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- Who?
- Yeah.
105
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- He's a very famous...
- Who is he? Hang on a minute.
106
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Who did she just say?
107
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- Um... Well, who...?
- Ah!
108
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- Yes!
- You don't know Lope de Vega?
109
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(STEVE STUTTERS)
110
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- Don't tell him the name.
- Er, ah, ah, no.
111
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- He's a classic - he wrote 500 plays.
- Don't say his name again.
112
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How many?
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- 500.
- Yeah.
114
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It's not about quantity, though,
is it, really?
115
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The quality was good, too.
116
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Really? What, all 500?
117
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- Well, I'm sure not all 500.
- I'm sure he must have had an off day.
118
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,910
If you wrote ten plays a year,
one a month,
119
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,279
with a couple of months off
120
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,072
- for recreational activities...
- I don't think it's
121
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,475
- physically possible, is it?
- ...it would still take you 50 years.
122
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I mean, these days the whole process
takes, like, three years just for one
123
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,154
- screenplay.
- How's it going with Missing?
124
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It... I should never have taken
the money from the studio.
125
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,753
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
126
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,634
Have we had any visits
from Sir Michael Caine on this trip?
127
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There's been no Michael Caine,
no Caine.
128
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,554
- No cocaine.
- No cocaine - very good.
129
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,828
No cocaine, no Novocaine.
130
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,269
- I tell you who we have had here.
- Oh, go on, please.
131
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(MIMICKING) Yeah. All right? A-ha! Yeah!
132
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,877
- Sir Mick.
- Mick Jagger.
133
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(AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah!
All right, come on!
134
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Yeah!
135
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(OWN VOICE) That's all I can do,
basically.
136
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,472
- It's very good.
- It looks like
137
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,432
he's having a fit. You can put
the defibrillator back on the wall now.
138
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:49,913
(THEY LAUGH)
139
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,872
(AS MICK JAGGER) Come on... All right!
Hello, Rio! Ooh!
140
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,672
- Yeah.
- That's...
141
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:55,789
- Um...
- And...
142
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Come on, give them your, er...
143
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,590
Bowie or Jagger?
Which one do you want?
144
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,596
So you've had a bit of Bowie?
145
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Bowie!
146
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:03,919
(AS DAVID BOWIE) I miss him because,
of course, he...
147
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,520
- (AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah, we all miss him.
- We all miss him.
148
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:10,269
I try to do him in a sort of grounded way,
a more authentic way,
149
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,949
and when Rob does his impersonations,
he has to sort of make them really big.
150
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:18,039
I add something to them. It's like
a Gerald Scarfe cartoon here. Aah!
151
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,354
- Right?
- More authentic.
152
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Mine's more authentic.
153
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:21,953
- Do you do a Bowie?
- I like to get to
154
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,274
- the soul of an impersonation.
- (AS DAVID BOWIE) I can do
155
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,880
- Bowie singing...
- Oh, there we go, Bowie.
156
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,956
? But I can't do what he does. ?
157
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,195
(DEEP VOICE) I can do him
singing really deep
158
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(COCKNEY ACCENT) And then do him
when he sang like that years ago
159
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,949
- When you heard more London...
- London...
160
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,513
In the way he'd sing like that
all the time
161
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Anybody can do that
162
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- If they want to...
- (DEEP VOICE) Then years later
163
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,352
? He'd sing really deeply. ?
164
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,630
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
165
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,758
(AS MICK JAGGER) The thing is,
when you're into...
166
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,189
I think you hear he's very sort of mouthy
when he speaks,
167
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,674
he uses his hands a lot,
and also he's got a slight, sort of,
168
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,553
androgynous quality,
you know, the way he speaks.
169
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,398
- He's got problems with trapped wind.
- Slightly camp like that.
170
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,113
And also, the physicality of him.
Like, cos he didn't do...
171
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,196
EMMA: He's just trying to get
the wind out.
172
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:08,514
STEVE: Trying to get the wind out
like that.
173
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,471
- (THEY LAUGH)
- Here! Here!
174
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,476
Here, Keith.
175
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,318
- (AS KEITH RICHARDS) What do you want?
- I want a cup of tea. Right!
176
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,271
I don't make his tea. I don't...
177
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,151
You sound like you've just got up.
178
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,430
- That's what Keith...
- That's what Keith sounds like.
179
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,835
Listen to her - she's telling you, man.
180
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,235
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
181
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,797
- Sir.
- Gracias.
182
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,115
EMMA: Don Quixote had three trips,
didn't he?
183
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,549
He had the one that he went out
on his own, then he went back
184
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,592
and enlisted Sancho Panza,
and then he had the sequel,
185
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,278
and this is now your third trip.
186
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,231
When Cervantes wrote the sequel,
187
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,999
in the interim,
after he'd written the first part,
188
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,554
there was a fake sequel published.
189
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:52,309
Then he incorporated the fake sequel
into his real sequel.
190
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,952
So he made that part of the story.
191
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,877
So when he goes on his travels
in the second book,
192
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,229
he bumps into people
who've read the fake sequel,
193
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,511
so he can slag it off,
within the pages, as Don Quixote.
194
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:06,031
That is so bold and innovative,
and it's 500 years ago.
195
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,435
So, effectively, he was postmodern
196
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,469
before there was any modern
197
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:10,794
- to be post about.
- Amazing.
198
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,276
Bzz! You're quoting yourself
in Tristram Shandy.
199
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,754
No, I think it was 24 Hour Party People,
actually.
200
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,155
- EMMA: There you go, that's you told.
- Either way,
201
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,317
you're either quoting a character
you played or yourself.
202
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,793
- Well, so what? I'm quoting...
- It's a lovely quality.
203
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,956
I'm quoting someone
who's a real person, Tony Wilson,
204
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,389
- who can be innovative and popular.
- Like...
205
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:33,719
People like Don Quixote because
it is warm, funny and charming.
206
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,910
Not because it is postmodern.
207
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,836
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
208
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,472
Look at this. Yum!
209
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,034
- What's this?
- Guerra de Lepanto.
210
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,116
- Have you heard of it?
- EMMA: What is it?
211
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,435
YOLANDA: This is the Battle of Lepanto.
212
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:53,515
Oh, wow!
213
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,790
It's a battle that Cervantes was in,
214
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,876
and it was Christian Europe fighting
215
00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,638
- against the Ottoman Empire.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
216
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,477
And he got his nickname from there -
217
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,035
he's known as El Manco de Lepanto,
which is the one-arm of Lepanto.
218
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,479
I didn't know he did panto!
219
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,078
- Lepanto!
- Would he do it every year?
220
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,395
No, of course not! But...
221
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:14,513
I find it's best to smile politely
and just... and eat some more food!
222
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,709
That's what I do.
223
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,079
- Steve, have a drink, relax.
- Er, but...
224
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,633
(CHUCKLES) Rob!
225
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,558
Well, for God's sake! He was more fun!
226
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,511
I'm a recovering alcoholic!
I'm not gonna have a drink!
227
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,870
You used to drink too much -
you weren't an alcoholic.
228
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,950
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
229
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,039
Cervantes, of course, when he was 37,
he married a 19-year-old.
230
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,638
Impressive for a man with one arm.
231
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,079
30 years ago, when I came to Spain,
232
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,998
I was 18 years old and I was pursuing
a 37-year-old woman.
233
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,155
- She was 37?
- It's the reverse.
234
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,553
- The reverse.
- The reverse of Cervantes.
235
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,352
I wasn't doing the kind of clich�
of going with
236
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,594
- a younger woman.
- EMMA: No, absolutely not.
237
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,710
20 years older than me.
238
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,355
Would you now be with a woman
20 years older?
239
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,992
Well, I don't... I think that's...
That's...
240
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,713
I'll ask again. Would you now
be with a woman 20...
241
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,990
- That's academic.
- A 70-year-old. A 70-year-old.
242
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:03,870
That's academic.
243
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,388
She could be in any profession -
it wouldn't matter.
244
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,873
He imagined that the inns were castles,
245
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,831
- didn't he, in his imagination?
- YOLANDA: He did.
246
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,199
We've been staying in inns.
247
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,629
Well, we've been literally
staying in castles.
248
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,910
Sorry, we have, yeah. No, we've been
staying in castles, I think they're inns.
249
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,552
He stayed in inns,
he thought they were castles.
250
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,478
- So it's like a circle in a spiral.
- The other way around.
251
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,556
- Yes. Yes.
- Like a wheel within a wheel.
252
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,828
Never ending or beginning,
253
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,438
- on an ever-spinning reel.
- Yeah.
254
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,996
Like the circles that you find
in the "whindmills"
255
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,315
- of your mind.
- EMMA: The "whindmills."
256
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,158
That could be
a postmodern manifesto.
257
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,794
- It really could, it really could.
- Or, a lovely song from the '70s.
258
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,070
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
259
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:49,309
ROB: It is... Oh!
260
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,158
Do you mind asking for the bill?
261
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,872
Just cos we're going to have to vamos.
262
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,239
- La cuenta, por favor.
- Gracias.
263
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,191
YOLANDA: Francescana cake.
264
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,312
Francescanas were like
an order of priests.
265
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,669
And I think this used to be
their monastery, before it was a parador.
266
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,278
- STEVE: Really?
- EMMA: Ah, wow.
267
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,833
Mm-hm, it was a convent. That's true.
268
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,314
Aren't you supposed to exercise
self-denial when you're, er...?
269
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,679
EMMA: Yeah, this is quite indulgent,
isn't it?
270
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,553
It doesn't look like they're sort of
suffering and trying to, er...
271
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,352
(AS HENRY KELLY) Can I ask
for your silence, please?
272
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,470
- We're about to go live on air...
- Big hair shirt...
273
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,238
In five, four, three...
274
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,273
Hello and welcome back
to Guess The Bill.
275
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,675
You join us on the wonderful island
of Spain...
276
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,030
- Island of Spain?
- ...playing, once again, Guess The Bill.
277
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,036
It's our returning champion,
278
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,878
Stephen Coogan from Pedantry
in the North of England. Great to see -
279
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,036
you've brought your daughters
with you this time, Steve.
280
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,913
Wonderful to welcome them.
Hey, fingers crossed for Dad, yes?
281
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,075
Yeah!
282
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,111
- Steve, want to say a few words?
- Yeah, just a quick question.
283
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:44,118
I was just wondering why
you called Spain an island.
284
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,596
He's quite the inquisitive one,
this one, isn't he?! Steve...
285
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,914
- I'm curious myself, I have to say.
- Yeah, she's curious.
286
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,951
My daughter's curious, too.
Do you want to answer her?
287
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,433
You don't want to disrespect
my daughter, surely.
288
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,959
So, why do you think Spain is an island?
289
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,993
When I say "the island of Spain",
I mean the island of humanity.
290
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,713
Are you saying, Steve,
that Spain is inhumane,
291
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,671
- because of the bullfighting and all?
- No, I'm just saying
292
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,153
that Spain's not an island
293
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,792
- and you said it was an island.
- All right.
294
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,593
Listen, now. We're all delighted -
it's a special bumper edition tonight.
295
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,632
So, here we go.
Stephen... And, remember, Stevie -
296
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,432
- can I call you Stevie?
- No.
297
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,040
Remember, we've got
to take your first...
298
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,514
Look at his little face.
The little fella's excited -
299
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,189
it's wonderful to see! All right.
We've got to take your first answer.
300
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:23,309
EMMA: Oh, dear!
301
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:27,433
ROB: Is it 101.60 euro?
302
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:32,679
(SLURRED) Is it 200 euro on the nose?
303
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:33,994
Are you changing where you're from,
or are you having a stroke?
304
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,076
He's got a reply for every line, this one.
305
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,872
He's what I call a little fucker!
306
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,831
- (EMMA CHUCKLES)
- Or...
307
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,952
is it 134.99 euro?
308
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,958
Er, sh-sh-sh-sh!
Girls, please, don't help your dad.
309
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,312
(STEVE GROANS) I think
the bill is not 200. I think it's 130...
310
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,952
- What was it?
- 134.99?
311
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,433
- Yes, yes.
- OK.
312
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:54,913
- Steve...
- (SHE CLEARS THROAT)
313
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,518
You've only done it!
Give your dad a hug!
314
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,312
Well done, Steve. Give me your hand.
315
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,430
Let's give a big wave
to everybody at home.
316
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,789
Thanks for watching, everybody -
mums and dads, boys and girls.
317
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,592
Thanks to all the genuine Irish people
out there,
318
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,313
who actually live in Ireland
and know where Ireland is, and...
319
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,395
Ireland's an island.
320
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,230
(SPANISH ACCENT) When I think back
on the production I made as child,
321
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,508
there was The Bullfighter.
322
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,516
- EMMA: Oh, God.
- There was The Return Of The Bullfighter.
323
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,710
YOLANDA: Has he been eating
lots of Manchego cheese?
324
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,079
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
325
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,156
- It's OK, don't worry.
- ...The Bullfighter's Return, which was
326
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,553
a little twist on
The Return Of The Bullfighter.
327
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,397
- We'll lose these two later.
- It took the themes
328
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:25,509
of The Return Of The Bullfighter...
329
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,198
- OK, so here's the theatre, guys.
- ...but turned it around,
330
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,958
to make The Bullfighter's Return.
331
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,949
After that, I followed it up with
The Lady Was A Plumber. It was bold.
332
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,112
Whoa.
333
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,559
Look at this!
334
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,272
- EMMA: Amazing.
- ROB: Steve!
335
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,719
- You like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
336
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,115
ROB: Ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
337
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,912
Ba! Nice sound.
338
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,599
Well, well, well.
339
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:52,030
Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?
Just the right size.
340
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,593
It must be quite big for you.
341
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,074
You're not intimidated, are you,
by the size of the audience?
342
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,236
- ROB: Yeah!
- EMMA: He's going to perform.
343
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,191
("SHAKESPEAREAN" VOICE)
Thank you, thank you.
344
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,629
- All the world's a stage...
- STEVE: Oh, God!
345
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,956
...and all the men and women
merely players.
346
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,231
They have their exits, their entrances.
347
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:14,990
One man in his time
will play many parts,
348
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,874
- his acts being seven ages.
- Who's that?
349
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,399
- Sorry?
- STEVE: Yeah, who's that?
350
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,113
- You're not serious? Richard Burton!
- EMMA: Oh, OK.
351
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,434
Of course it's Richard Burton!
352
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,833
- OK!
- Aw!
353
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,189
Then comes the lover,
sighing like a furnace...
354
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,435
You've missed a bit, Stephen.
You've missed a bit.
355
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,109
- What?
- First the infant...
356
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,515
- Oh, yeah.
- ...mewling and puking
357
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,869
at the nurse's arms, then...
358
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:43,232
(SING-SONG AMERICAN ACCENT)
...the whining schoolboy
359
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,396
with his shining face and satchel,
360
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:52,152
crawling like a snail
unwillingly on his way to school.
361
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:56,591
Then comes the last scene of all
that ends this strange eventful history...
362
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,915
Shakespeare in stereo.
363
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:04,876
Sans teeth, sans eyes,
sans taste, sans everything.
364
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,117
Mistress, turn ye not behind ye
where there the devil lays...
365
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,276
- STEVE: Lie...
- ...for 'tis here on the stage
366
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,632
where the lights doth commence
and the sound shall travel far.
367
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,434
Life does not take place
in the centre of a stage - it takes place
368
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,789
in the shadows,
behind the beams...
369
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,990
- In the royal circle, look you...
- In the corridors,
370
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,315
on the balconies of life.
That is where the real action takes place.
371
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,669
Not in the centre stage
with the crowd looking,
372
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:32,635
but behind you in the nooks, the crannies.
That is where you see real drama.
373
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,434
Come with me.
Come with me on a journey of life.
374
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,913
Come now.
375
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,029
Watch your head.
376
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,436
Mistress, listen not to that merry devil,
377
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,710
for he lingers behind thee,
378
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:51,233
where ye see not, whispering in the ear
with deceitful claims of avarice and lust,
379
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:55,114
yet now here he appears earthbound,
doth he not?
380
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:59,790
Shodden of his wings,
he falleth from a great height.
381
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,957
Mr. Steve... n Coogan.
382
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,309
Thanks very much, we'll be in touch.
383
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,397
- Thank you.
- I know I stumbled over the...
384
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:09,509
I don't think that matters,
385
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,074
I think we certainly got a sense of it
and it was, yeah, great. Very good.
386
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,190
- Thank you.
- OK. Cheers.
387
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,389
I've got a modern piece.
388
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,476
Er... Do you know what?
389
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,035
Um... We're just a bit pushed for time,
but a lovely, lovely piece.
390
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,594
Thanks very much. Should I get...?
391
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,596
If you go back there, there'll be
someone who'll show you out.
392
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:26,959
And you've got my CV?
393
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,228
Yeah, got that right here.
394
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,430
- But thank you very much indeed.
- Thanks. Really lovely to meet you.
395
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,630
Thanks a lot, Richard.
396
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,511
- What? Richard?
- Is it Richard?
397
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,358
I'm Rob Brydon.
398
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,152
- I haven't got it, have I?
- Um...
399
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,510
Why don't you have the balls to tell me
in front of my face I haven't got it?
400
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:44,949
You haven't got it.
401
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,234
Oh, fuck you.
402
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,635
Listen, there's no need to be bitter.
403
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,717
If we were doing a play
about a farcical panel show,
404
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,399
then you'd be right in your wheelhouse.
405
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,637
But unfortunately
this is slightly weightier stuff,
406
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,796
but full marks for giving it a go.
407
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,880
Great, yeah, that stuff's fantastic,
we love that stuff.
408
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,469
Yeah. Again, yeah, it's good.
409
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,078
Brilliant. No, lovely stuff.
410
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,908
Anyway, thanks and I look forward...
411
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,076
(EMMA AND YOLANDA LAUGH)
412
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,317
(BOTH RIFF ON "SPANISH FLY")
413
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,879
ROB: (AS KEN BRUCE) Spanish Fly,
Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan,
414
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,399
wonderful stuff from them.
415
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,032
Don't forget, coming on
later this morning...
416
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,275
STEVE: (AS TERRY WOGAN) Let me just
interrupt you there, old Kenny Bruce.
417
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,595
- Terry?
- Me old friend.
418
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,632
Because anyone who's anyone will know
419
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,672
that the title of the song by Herp Albert
420
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,757
is Spanish Flea, and not Spanish Fly.
421
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,791
I sit corrected, Terry.
422
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,990
More than anything else,
I'm very surprised to see you here.
423
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,553
Welcome back,
wonderful to have you here.
424
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,433
- Thank you. Always a pleasure.
- But may I be so bold
425
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,994
as to pick you up on a wee point
which is that it's not
426
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,635
Herb Albert, it's Herb Alpert with a P?
427
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,238
- Ah, yes.
- You got your Ps and your Bs
428
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,599
mixed up there.
429
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,312
You've got your fleas and your flies
all over...
430
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,749
- And you've got your...
- BOTH: Ps and your Bs...
431
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,155
I threw a little bowl of a mistake there
so that
432
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,634
you could pick me up,
so we're all even Stevens.
433
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,875
We'll probably never know
if that's the truth.
434
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,593
- Fleas, flies, Ps, Bs.
- You put a P in the wrong place,
435
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,959
I had a P in the wrong place once,
436
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,911
they won't let me back
in that supermarket again.
437
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,635
That's right, yes. And don't forget
that, you know, time flies like an arrow,
438
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,353
but fruit flies like a banana.
439
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,792
- EMMA: The views.
- STEVE: Yeah.
440
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,195
- YOLANDA: I think it should be...
- EMMA: Are we lost?
441
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,151
ROB: Where is the entrance?
442
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,111
Don't tell me that's it.
You're not serious?!
443
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,720
Well, this isn't a cave, is it?
This is a wall.
444
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,432
Is that what we walked up for, seriously?
445
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,469
Yeah.
446
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,750
The ones at Altamira
were much better than that.
447
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,360
You would look around, there were bisons,
448
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,198
you could make things out,
there were colours, it was beautiful.
449
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,993
But it wasn't real, Rob.
It was fake, it was facsimile.
450
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,519
Look, that's like a cross.
451
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,516
ROB: Are you sure these are paintings?
452
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,676
- That's the figure of a man.
- That's a stain.
453
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,871
Give me that.
Here, you are. There's a man.
454
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:30,909
EMMA: Wow.
455
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,554
- ROB: That does look like a man.
- Brandishing something, I'd say.
456
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,669
What's that up there?
457
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,110
That's some sort of deer over there.
I mean, you've just got to look closely.
458
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,355
- I preferred Altamira.
- Seriously?
459
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,436
- Yes.
- This is 14,000 years old,
460
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,358
one of the earliest examples of man...
461
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,435
EMMA: Or woman.
462
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:47,799
- Or woman...
- Thank you.
463
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,308
- ...trying to be creative.
- EMMA: Yeah.
464
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,558
- This is beautiful, very calming.
- ROB: Yeah.
465
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,079
It's wonderful.
466
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:23,558
It's interesting isn't it? We started
in the birthplace of King Ferdinand,
467
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,309
and here we are at the place
where they were buried.
468
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,316
- Here?
- Yeah, in the hotel.
469
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,032
- It wasn't a hotel then.
- No.
470
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,957
That would be awful, wouldn't it?
Dreadful.
471
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,788
- "I have a reservation for Smith."
- Corpses of...
472
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,354
"Wait a moment, please,
we are about to bury the King."
473
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,675
"What?"
"Yes, we have a gymnasium."
474
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,438
Why are they buried in Granada, then?
475
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,837
Because this is the last town
to fall to the Catholics.
476
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,077
That's why they called them
the Catholic king and queen.
477
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,599
They started the Spanish Inquisition.
478
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,073
Yeah.
479
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,678
(NASAL MUMBLING)
480
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,030
...in the Spanish Inquisition,
and there were going to be parts
481
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,117
when my jaws... You don't know
what I'm doing, do you?
482
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,196
- No idea.
- I'm doing Marlon Brando.
483
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,958
If you have to tell someone
who you're doing,
484
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,194
- it's not really working.
- I don't know anybody
485
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,674
- who wouldn't know that was Brando.
- Well...
486
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,599
There's parts where I wanna convert
the Moors...
487
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,039
(AS BRANDO) It's not actually that good
488
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,311
because he has a more nuanced
way of talking.
489
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,478
You know, it's like this
and he has those gestures
490
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,911
and it's quite a high voice,
it's almost effeminate sometimes.
491
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,633
Sometimes it can be effeminate
almost, but he was...
492
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,639
When he was Torquemada...
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
493
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,750
The thing about the Moors is
they were way more tolerant
494
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,313
than the Catholics who came after them.
495
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,839
I'm a big fan of the Moors.
496
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,510
Dudley Moore,
Christy Moore,
497
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,552
- Patrick Moore.
- EMMA: No "Moor". Please!
498
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,431
(AS ROGER MOORE) Roger Moore.
499
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,996
You know, when I think back
to the Moors being here in Spain,
500
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,713
I could honestly say
we had a wonderful time.
501
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,957
Mother booked the Holiday Inn, we arrived,
502
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,434
and found the hotel to be to our liking.
503
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,153
(AS ROGER MOORE) Of course,
what you're forgetting to point out is
504
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:07,478
that the Moors, when they conquered Spain,
in the early eighth century,
505
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,229
they were encountering a Europe
that was still very much in the Dark Ages.
506
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,032
It was pitch-black.
507
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,640
But they of course built
beautiful palaces like this.
508
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,352
They were very ahead of their time.
509
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,551
I have to tell you,
when we were building these palaces,
510
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,876
my fellow Moors -
mother, father and sister -
511
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:28,311
sometimes we would encounter a workman
who perhaps wasn't working
512
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,750
quite as quickly as I would want,
and then I would say to him...
513
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,552
- Move!
- Move!
514
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,749
Move!
515
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,313
- Move!
- Move!
516
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:37,679
- Move!
- Um...
517
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,109
A lot of them thought
they were hearing cows.
518
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:41,991
The thing about doing Roger Moore...
519
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,508
- Yes?
- Less is more.
520
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,109
Ah, you've met my brother, Les?
Les, come in.
521
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,993
That's right, I'm also a Moore.
Les Moore.
522
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,158
I was trying to hint that you should
always leave your audience wanting more.
523
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:59,637
My audience constantly wants Moore,
and that's what I give them.
524
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,318
Roger Moore.
525
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,669
Or quit while you're ahead.
526
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,193
They introduced the orange to Spain.
527
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,593
- The Moors?
- Yeah.
528
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,629
Really?
529
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,238
- She's absolutely right.
- From where?
530
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,111
I guess Morocco.
That's where they were coming from.
531
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,516
I could explain it to you,
if you like. It was my mother,
532
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,471
she packed one
into her hand luggage.
533
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,158
- He didn't get the hint, did he?
- No.
534
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,829
...on one of our holidays and, of course,
I said, "Mother, what are you doing?"
535
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,236
She said, "Shush, Roger, I'm going
to introduce the orange to Spain."
536
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,750
Another thing the Moors introduced
was, of course, our numerical system.
537
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:30,789
That's right, we brought
538
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,512
- a calculator with us.
- Because basically
539
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,232
we used to use Roman numerals.
540
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,874
And it's only when they brought
the Arabic numerical system
541
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:41,550
that we then developed that into
the numerical system we use today.
542
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,511
(ROB CONTINUES AS ROGER MOORE)
543
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,790
- Mother said it would never work.
- This is really crazy.
544
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,719
The fact is that the Moors
were far more sophisticated.
545
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,479
- They knew about medicine, philosophy...
- That's right.
546
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,476
- ...mathematics...
- Correct.
547
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,509
...astronomy...
548
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,472
- Oh, we love looking at the stars.
- Very, very... Way more advanced...
549
00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,953
And also managed to marry...
550
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,195
My parents did marry.
You're quite right.
551
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,754
They married at a young age,
they had me and my sister.
552
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:08,554
Rob, seriously, seriously.
He's got, like, Tourette's.
553
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,070
It was a wonderful day.
My uncle Bertie gave a sermon,
554
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,634
he was a preacher, you see.
555
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,559
The Greek philosophers were translated
into Arabic by the Moors,
556
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,559
and it was only during the Crusades,
when they invaded Toledo...
557
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,149
...I remember father, sitting at his desk,
translating night and day.
558
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,636
My mother would say to him, "When are
you going to take Roger to the park?"
559
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,355
Aristotle's teachings were translated
into Arabic, by the Muslims,
560
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,958
and then during the Crusades...
561
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,070
Why didn't you say
they were done by the Moors?
562
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,475
- Are you trying to discourage me?
- What?
563
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,080
- EMMA: Please, yes!
- You've stopped saying "Moors",
564
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,796
you've started saying "Muslims",
and I find that a little racially...
565
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,114
- Go on, go on.
- ...offensive.
566
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,469
You started off
referring to us as the Moors,
567
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,717
- now you're referring to us as Muslims.
- The Moors were Muslims.
568
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,797
- But why did you start with Moors?
- It doesn't matter,
569
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,229
the people I'm talking about were
one and the same. Moors were Muslims.
570
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,748
I'm not Roger Muslim, I'm Roger Moore.
571
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,236
EMMA: Dear God! Oh, dear.
572
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,679
By the way, I've got you a ticket
573
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,472
for first thing in the morning
to see the Alhambra.
574
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,956
- Oh, brilliant. Great, great.
- Rob, I've got one for you too.
575
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,956
Can I go later? Can I go after breakfast?
576
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,595
- It'll be busy.
- Yolanda, you should come with me.
577
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,234
I can't. I have to take an early flight
back to London.
578
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,157
Really? That's a shame.
579
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,633
You're leaving me alone with him?
580
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,989
Ah, you won't be alone,
I'm coming with you to Malaga.
581
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,270
I'm going to make sure
Joe gets to you safely.
582
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,639
- Thank the Lord.
- Great.
583
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,391
(SKYPE DIAL TONE)
584
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,517
- Hello?
- Hey. Hey, Dad.
585
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,675
Hey, how are you doing?
586
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,871
- Um, yeah, I'm good. How are you?
- Great,
587
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,833
really looking forward to seeing you.
I've missed you, buddy.
588
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,997
Yeah, that was... That was
what I was calling about, actually.
589
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,952
Yeah, Emma's...
She's been in touch, right?
590
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,718
She said she's organised all the flights
591
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,478
- and what have you.
- No, that...
592
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:01,953
I can't come.
593
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,799
- What are you talking about?
- I just... I just can't come.
594
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,958
I'm sorry, I just...
I just can't come, at the moment.
595
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,037
I need to stay here with Helen.
596
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,355
What's going on? Talk to me.
597
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,752
She's pregnant.
598
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,355
You're fucking kidding me.
599
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,868
- She's...
- You fucking idiot!
600
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,469
She's pregnant, so I need to stay here
with her, so we can figure out
601
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,272
- what we're going to do.
- Wait, wait...
602
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,878
Are you certain she's pregnant?
603
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,638
Yes, she's definitely pregnant.
604
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,875
And are you sure it's yours?
605
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,558
Dad!
606
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:43,635
Um...
607
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,999
Um...
608
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,557
You're 20 years old,
you're too young to have a kid,
609
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,034
you know... Any decisions you make now
610
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,230
will have ramifications
for the rest of your life.
611
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,594
Yes, I know.
612
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,552
But I'm not just making decisions
for me any more.
613
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,990
I need to think about her,
and what we're going to do.
614
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,349
Oh, for crying out loud, this is...
615
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:10,999
(SIGHS)
616
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,679
Sorry.
617
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,951
Listen, you don't have to be sorry, OK?
618
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,312
It's OK. It doesn't matter
about coming out here.
619
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,157
You know, just...
620
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,556
Whatever happens,
I'm here for you, all right?
621
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,353
- Thanks, Dad.
- And I love you.
622
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,719
I love you too.
623
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,998
OK, listen, um...
624
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,190
Don't worry about it, all right?
625
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:44,589
Yeah.
626
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,234
I love you
and I'll talk to you later, OK?
627
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,633
Love you too.
628
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,238
(CALL ENDS)
629
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,358
I hate being a tourist, you know.
630
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:08,154
So that's why it's great
that I'm with a native.
631
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,077
(CROWD CHATTERS)
632
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:19,630
- This is wonderful.
- It is.
633
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:24,230
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