All language subtitles for The Trip To Greece (2020)

[film reel rolls]

[birds chirping]

Sing Goddess, Achilles' rage

black, murderous, that cost
the Greeks incalculable pain

pitched countless souls
of heroes into Hades' dark.

Left their bodies to rot

as corpses for dogs and birds.

Did you learn that last night?

[sighs]

There's not a lot here

is there, really,
when you think about it?

No, it's not like the film.

It was all sandy beaches,
wasn't it?

Greeks were camped here
for ten years.

- Too long, isn't it?
- Too long to camp.

I can do a week, tops.

- In the Lake District.
- Yeah, with a pillow.

I won't camp without a pillow.

Had a bad dream last night.

How was it, a portent?

I don't know,
it was, it was bad.

I had a portent once
on the old groundsheet.

Stick your head out more.

Find your light.
That's it.

Do an "ah-hah."

- Ah-hah!
- Got it.

[instrumental music]

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Here's to an enjoyable
excursion.

Yeah, hmm.

Hmm.

- Bellissimo.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.

It's very odd, isn't it,
to start

a trip to Greece in Turkey?

It was the Observers' idea, um,
to retrace the steps of, um

Odysseus and the Odyssey,
so that -- that's we're doing.

A ten-year odyssey
in six days, I mean

it's a -- it's ambitious, Steve.

It -- it might sound ambitious,
but if you think of

uh, "Ulysses," by James Joyce.

Thanks for telling me the
author, I'd never have known.

I'm just putting the information

out there in case you don't..

I don't want, you know..

Well, that's like me saying

"Harry Potter"
by J. K. Rowling.

I wouldn't put "Harry Potter"
and "Ulysses"

in the same,
in the same camp.

Apart from they're both books.
But, um --

"Harry Potter"
has sold truckloads of books.

Yeah, but the thing is,
I don't measure success by

units sold.

I'm just telling you the figures
for the, uh, TV shows.

And, yes,
but it's not it's just --

And the consolidated ones
at that.

It's yes.

'Cause the actual time of
viewing aren't impressive

but you do tell me
the consolidated figures.

It's nice to be liked, but you
shouldn't go out there

trying to be liked.

[utensils clattering]

If you think that we have been
doing these

trips for nearly ten years

then I suppose the,
in a macro sense

we've been on this odyssey
for ten years.

- Yeah?
- Is it ten years?

Yeah. It is.

Since the Lakes.

Hmm.

A bit of Richard Gere there.
Hmm.

Just looking off.

- Huh.
- Yeah, lovely.

Yeah. And you're looking more
like him as well.

- That's good?
- No, I wasn't being serious.

- I was joking.
- Oh.

- You look nothing like him.
- Ah.

My God, you lapped the
compliment up, didn't you?

- Look at that.
- Well, it's not unreasonable.

I'm -- I'm not.. I, I mean,
I'm wearing my years

reasonably well.

Yeah, but in no way do you
resemble Richard Gere.

Okay, I don't think --

You look like
a great Steve Coogan.

'Cause you're looking terrific.

And I'm happy with that,
more than that.

Yeah, you clutched
at Richard Gere.

I look better as I get older.
Lots of women say that.

Yes, you do, yes, you do.

Well, I'm gonna,
I'm just gonna say it as well

I'm saying it,
you look better older.

Well, thank you.

You were unpalatable
as a young man.

[machine whirring]

What's this?

If I'm not mistaken,
it's a Penguin classic.

And it's by Aristotle.

- I know Ari, yeah.
- I know all the Stotles.

Poetics.
Listen to this.

"Epic poetry and the composition
of tragedy, as well as comedy

"and the arts of poetry
and music are

"all imitations.

"Imitation comes naturally
to human beings.

And so does the universal
pleasure in imitation."

- Um..
- Not my words.

The words of Aristotle.

[sizzling]

So much of -- of art
and acting is imitation.

Nothing wrong with it.

You did a fantastic imitation

uh, of Stan Laurel in
Stan and Ollie, it was superb.

Hmm. I'm not sure it's an
imitation, that's the thing.

I watched it
on a BAFTA screener.

I only paused it three times

to go to the kitchen.

And that in our house..

- That's good.
- Yeah. Okay, well, yeah.

You had -- you had this, yeah?

Had the -- the pause,
you know the pause?

- Hmm.
- You did that beautifully.

- I certainly did.
- Hmm!

Now, why don't you just stop
sitting there and help me?

Hmm?

Well, I'd -- I'd try,
but, uh, I -- I..

I don't know what you
want me to do.

Stan Laurel
and Tom Hardy, ready?

Why don't you just come and
hit me instead of sitting there?

I can't hear what
you're saying, Tom

you always mumble your lines.

Hmm!

[utensils clattering]

Thank you very much.
Lovely, really nice.

I'm being bitten.

It doesn't help
that we're under a tree.

Insects love to be under trees.
Do you know why?

Yeah, I -- I went out
on my land recently.

- Yeah.
- Uh, to sit under a tree.

- Thirty-six acres, isn't it?
- Thirty-eight.

And I went to sit under
a tree just to --

To think.
Just to think?

No, no, to read a book,
actually, I put a blanket down

just 'cause, you know, there's a
tree, and I sat under it and, um

started to read,
and loads of flies started

hovering over my head, so..

So, I just got up
and just went back in the house.

I had this idea that it would --

Steve Coogan,
ladies and gentlemen

wonderful stories from Steve, um

and there'll be more from him
at the same time next week.

You know, you must do that one
about the flies under the, uh

under the tree, I mean,
it -- it's wonderful stuff.

Fred said he saw you at, uh,
Lords Taverner's

doing that, and, uh

had the room
in the palm of his hand

that's, that's what he said.

Wonderful story.

The new Ustinov.

[laughs]

Steve Coogan.

If you heard that story
Steve's telling?

No, what is it?

Oh, he's at the house, you know
the house in Sussex?

Yeah.
Well, he -- he took a book out.

No, go on.
Um, he wanted to read.

And he went out,
and he's got 38 acres.

Yes. He finds a tree,
puts a blanket down.

Oh, it's idyllic.

And, uh, flies gathered
above his head.

He went back in the house.

[laughs]

I mean, he's..
Oh, God.

God. And some people say
he's just Alan Partridge.

He's not.

There's whole other sides
to him.

So, sir, your main courses.

- Oh, lovely, very nice.
- Thank you.

- Lamb chops.
- Chop, chop.

- With mint sauce.
- Looks lovely.

- Enjoy, monsieur.
- That's lovely.

Thank you very much.

- You like lamb, don't you?
- I do, I love lamb.

Lamb's very good because, um,
it doesn't lend itself

to intensive farming, so if you
can't make an organic choice

lamb's a safe bet.

[speaking in foreign language]

My publisher wants me to use

the "Odyssey" as a peg on which
to hang my Odyssey

through life of the media.

Isn't that what
you wrote when we were in Spain?

A version of that, yeah,
but, um, it was successful

so they want sort
of a variation on the theme.

I do think as you get older it's
inevitable, you repeat yourself.

But this is the fourth time
we've been on one of these

little jaunts.

Well, originality is overrated.

'Cause everything's
a derivative of something.

The greatest poem in
the Roman Empire was a rip-off

of the "Odyssey."

Which one?

- "The Aeneid."
- Oh.

Whereas the "Odyssey's"
about Odysseus fleeing

Troy to -- to go home, um

the "Aeneid" is about a Trojan
fleeing the city

uh, with his father and his son.

What about his wife?

He's lost her
along the way, you know.

Shit, shit happens.

Um, on the plus side,
he went on to found Rome

so lose a wife, found an empire.

[utensils clattering]

This was like a kind
of interrogation.

Sitting like this.

- Your desserts, sir.
- Thank you.

[speaks in foreign language]

It's black mulberry sauce.

Thank you very much, could we
have the bill please?

- Okay, sir.
- Thank you very much.

If it was an interrogation,
this would be very

this would be the nice part
before the nasty one.

Let's have some dessert.

We'd, we'd, uh..
I wanna make this

as pleasant as possible,
so, uh..

Oh, great, yeah, what do you
want to know?

- Hmm.
- Lovely, isn't it?

Lovely combination of textures.
This is not..

[phone rings]

This is not too light.

- But it's light.
- Hello?

Hey, Steve, you alright?

Just calling to check
everything's okay?

Everything is wonderful, I'm
here with, uh, Rob Brydon.

But apart from that
everything's wonderful.

Hi, hi, Rob,
how are you doing?

All is well.
He's not gone missing.

I'm keeping an eye on him.

What do you mean?
What are you talking about?

In Morocco, she was very worried
when you went off the grid.

Yeah?

She was gonna call
the authorities

all the newspapers,
"British comic goes missing."

Yeah, British actor,
British actor, writer

producer goes missing.

British Actor goes missing,
friends say

"We had no idea the mental
turmoil he was under."

We spoke to his close friend
Rob Brydon.

Well, I must say..

Spoke to his asso,
his associate.

We spoke to his dear confidante,
Rob Brydon.

Just his sometime collaborator.

We spoke to popular entertainer,
Rob Brydon who said --

He's a, a light, light
entertainer, Rob Brydon.

We spoke to popular light
entertainer and confidante

of troubled star, Rob Brydon.

Troubled TV funny man.

Who said, I had no idea Steve
was suffering

in the way he was.

We didn't know he was suffering,
but then we realized

he'd spent, uh, six days
with Roby Brydon

and things started
to fall into place then.

We think this might
be a cry for help.

Sorry, I've got to go.

I just wanted to let you know
that your boat

is gonna be leaving
Asos at 2:30.

So, go to Asos, to the boat,
by 2:30, okay

then your Range Rover's gonna
be waiting for when you arrive.

Get our asses
in the boat when?

Wonderful, looking forward
to it, sweetheart, ta-ta.

Bye, alright, see you.

Do you understand any of that?

Yeah.

Range Rover waiting
for us at Lesbos.

[instrumental music]

This is what UNESCO
says about Asos.

In antiquity,
its hilltop location made

Asos an easily defensible
port city.

The oldest Doric temple
in Asia Minor

the Temple of Athena at Asos,
is located

on the top of the Acropolis.

That's Lesbos, that's the, uh,
border between Asia and Europe.

It's close, isn't it?

Yeah, I could swim that.

You could not.

Somebody like Byron
swimming the Alice Pont

from, you know, Asia to Europe
and Istanbul.

That's why all the refugees come
this way 'cause it's so easy.

They don't swim it,
they do it in boats.

Yeah, very little boats.

Byron said of all the things
he'd achieved

swimming the Alice Pont was the
thing that made him most proud.

Oh, fair enough.

What would you say was the
thing you were most proud of?

Uh, my seven BAFTAs.

Hmm, and for me,
it would be my children.

Yeah, well, 'cause, yeah,
'cause you haven't
got any BAFTAs.

Though you have got children,
which is interesting.

Now, William, uh, some
of the men are not happy

there are rumblings.

Oh, there are rumblings,
are there?

Well, you tell the men
that we will sail around

the Cape of Good Hope
and we'll sail around the horn.

I think if the weather
was this nice

we would have been
a lot more relaxed.

They're loving it, Bill.
They really are.

Well, thank you very much,
uh, Fletcher.

You don't mind if I call you
Fletcher do you?

Call me Fletcher
if you like, mate.

Thank you very much,
I'll call you Fletch.

Can I call you Bill?

Yeah, of course, you can, I'd
rather call you Mr. Christian.

Not Fletch?

[instrumental music]

[ship horn blares]

Ahoy!

Said, "Ah-hah."

Is that?

Ahoy!

Ah-hah!

You've got a huge drive then?

Yeah, it was a monster really.

So are you flying back now?

Yeah. Uh, here the keys.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, enjoy.

- Full tank?
- Tank's full and it's a hybrid.

Steve?

- Alright. Good.
- Safe flight.

Cheers. Bye-bye.

Steve, how are you?
This is Kareem.

Do you remember me?
We worked together in Mykonos.

I played, uh, refugees
in the beach.

Okay.

- Do you remember me?
- Refugee?

- Yes.
- How are you?

I am Kareem, how are you?

- Hi, very good.
- I'm good.

Good to see you,
yeah, really good.

- Hiya. Rob.
- That's Rob, yeah, yeah.

- Kareem.
- Hello.

How are you doing?
What are you doing here?

Uh, well, it's not a holiday,
we're -- we're actually working

with -- with we're retracing
the -- the steps

of, um, Odysseus, you know

going from Troy to Ithaca.

What about you?
Are you still with the refugees?

I'm working
with the refugees still.

- Right.
- Are there refugees still here?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Thousands of refugees.

- Thousands?
- Yes.

You know, maybe I need a lift

maybe it could be so good
for you, come and see?

It is very good
for you all to see.

- See?
- Come see it now?

- Yes.
- We'd love to.

But we've gotta..
Where have we gotta go next?

- We've got a --
- Do you know what?

We're -- we're not so busy that
we can't spare enough time

to drop him off.

That's what odysseys are all
about, we'll hop in the car.

It'd be good for, uh, Rob to see
a refugee camp, it's true.

Yeah, it'd be, be good for me
to see a refugee camp.

Thank you, thank you, guys,
for the lift.

- Yes.
- No worries.

It's a really nice car, Steve.

Thanks, not mine, it's, um..

It was loaned to me for this..

- Us.
- Thing we're doing. To us.

I mean, it's a hybrid,
so it's half-electric.

So it kind of cushions
the impact that

a monster gas guzzler
like this normally --

It's important to you, isn't it?
That's important.

- Well, it is, yeah.
- All the environmental thing.

- But, uh --
- Steve's got nine cars, Kareem.

- Nine car? So good, man.
- Yeah, nine cars.

That's, that's,
that's irrelevant.

How many of them are electric?

- I have an electric car.
- Yeah.

We're writing an article, uh..

I'm writing an article for --

- I'm writing an article.
- Well, Rob is. And..

Steve doesn't have time
to actually write it.

- I do.
- Got lot of weighty thoughts.

Gotta service his cars, I mean,
that takes a lot of his time.

I do. Anyhow, so, so what's,
what's been going on?

What, uh, wh -- what are you up
to -- up to at the moment?

I'm here now set up,
uh, a cultural event

it's a musical and dance.

Really?

We do some music courses,
music therapy.

I dance some,
they do some teaching.

- Great.
- Fantastic.

Some community building,
inclusion.

Great.

Here we are.
This is a small city.

Wow. Gosh.

So, what's this barbed wire for?
That's..

It looks like a prison camp.

Is that to stop people getting
in or stop them getting out?

Obviously, of this camp
is really prison.

It's more established than
I would have expected.

Really nice to meet you.

Good luck with everything,
hope it all works out.

Goodbye.

Oh, Steve, thank you very much.

Okay, thank you.

I'm coming to Britain, right?
I hope, we'll see you there.

- Well, you've got my email so..
- Yes.

I will contact you, thank you.

Do the turning here,
I will go inside.

[exhales]

Well, that was sobering.

Imagine living in that for years
and years and years.

Hmm. Well,
it's just like the Greeks.

Uh, camped outside Troy

for the best part of ten years.

Too long, I've said it before,
I'll say it again

that's too long for camping.

Nice guy.

Uh, yes, he's, yeah, well, um,
yeah, he's a very nice bloke.

I mean, I, I know him, we worked
together last year on a film.

He said.

He play.. He played a sort

of version of himself.

You didn't remember him,
did you?

What?
Of course, I remembered him.

I bloody worked with him
for a month at least.

So I..
Of course I remembered him.

Like maybe not at first, but
eventually, yeah, like, yeah.

"Hey, how you doing?"
You know, and, uh..

What's his name?

What's his name?

Well, I'm not gonna be tested by
you just asking me

what his name, what's his name?

I'm not testing you,
I'm just interested to see

what's his name?

Khaled.

[scoffs]

It's Kareem.

Okay, so I got the first
syllable right.

Oh, well done.

You know where the word lesbian
comes from?

Yes, Mr. Bond.

It's from the island,
it's from Lesbos.

Sappho was the priestess
who wrote erotic poetry

to all these women she loved
and, uh, and was obsessed with.

And she was the most celebrated
poet, not lesbian

but the most celebrated poets
in Ancient Greece.

And she was a woman
and she was a lesbian.

It's a shame
we're getting the ferry.

I would like to stay
in the Hotel Lesbian

as I'm sure you would.

I think..
Come, come, Mr. Bond

you like staying in the Hotel
Lesbian just as much as I do.

If I can get my head down in the
Lesbian, I'm more than happy.

Welcome to the Hotel Lesbian.

You can check out
any time you like.

- But you can never leave.
- But you can never leave.

[foghorn blaring]

♪ Sailing I am sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Across the sea

♪ I am sailing

♪ Stormy waters

♪ To be near you

♪ To be free

When I was in Australia,
there was

a 25-year-old girl
on the crew

who had never heard
of Rod Stewart.

Never heard those two words
in that order.

So, when I used to go out with
a girl, they used to say, uh

"Remember this and
remember that," and I'd just go

"When I was young,
we used to do this."

Stagira is the birth place
of Aristotle.

Stagira was besieged

and destroyed in 348 B.C.
by Philip of Macedon.

The inhabitants were enslaved,
later Philip rebuilt the city

as a reward for Aristotle being
tutored to his son, Alexander.

How much further is it?

Uh, it's just around, it's just
to the the top of this road.

I've got a stone
in my sandal again.

[heavy breathing]

Come on.

What do you mean, come on?

Well, this is it, this is
the shine to Aristotle.

Well, they imported
his ashes, uh, back here

specially to, to leave them here

as, it's his hometown,
you know.

It's not a lot to look at,
is it?

You can see why
they don't charge.

There'd be uproar.

That Legoland costs a fortune

but you get
a lot for your money.

[sighs]

Do you think there'll be
a memorial to you?

I don't believe in monuments.

Just something modest
in Manchester?

Uh, yeah, a plaque.

[speaking in foreign language]

I didn't picture
Macedonia like this.

It's, I -- I imagined it
to be quite rugged

I didn't think it would be
verdant and soft.

Well..

- Excuse me.
- Your starters, sir.

Thank you.

As a starter,
we have the mussels

on smoked pine needles
with parmesan cheese

spring asparagus, a little bit
of citrus and espresso powder.

- Enjoy.
- Thank you, Mr. Tim.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Espresso powder dust,
that's, uh, an ingredient

I wasn't expecting,
but, uh, it's also, uh

piqued my curiosity.

So have a little..

Hmm!

- Well, that's, uh..
- Hmm, that's complex.

That is absolutely divine.

[utensils clattering]

People who talk about
Alexander the Great

will overlook all the psychotic
tendencies he had.

With his mother,
he conspired to kill

his father,
and then after that

went on a killing spree rounding
up all his half-siblings

and, uh, cousins who might have
a legitimate claim

to the throne,
and just ruthlessly

and horribly murdered them.

He was a gangster,
an old-fashioned gangster.

Why do we call him
Alexander the Great?

They call me great, but I'm
actually just a gangster.

I'm gonna commit
atrocious crimes.

I'm doing Marlon Brando.

Then why'd you fuck that up?

Commit atrocious crimes.

I'm gonna behave despicably.

You know you need to make it
more, give it more weight

when you speak like that,
you know.

Well, why are you doing it
differently?

You're going to look like that
but for..

[mumbles]

What are you doing here?
Lemme hear it.

It's, uh, he speaks like

he has his cheeks are
full of cotton wool.

Well, they were full
of cotton wool.

I know, but they weren't full
with those things that dentists

use to shove in the side
of your mouth.

Dental swab, a dental swab.

A swab. They don't use them
anymore for some reason.

I don't know why.
Because dentistry has advanced.

Dentistry has advanced.

They've made a lot of great
strides in dentistry.

I know it has, you know,
dentistry's advanced

quite a lot, actually,
that's, you know what.

That I'd like to hire you,
Aristotle, to, uh, to educate

my son, I'd like you to teach
him a lot about philosophy.

Well, I -- I.. I'm, I'm very
flattered by the offer

but I must say I'm finding it
very hard to forget

what you did to Stagira,
which was a smashing spot.

Oh, you know what, I tell you
what, tell what I'm gonna do.

If you don't teach my son, I'll
rip your head off and shit down

your goddamn fucking neck,
you too big, dick sucking

mother fucking asshole, okay?

But it's essentially
being a gangster.

Maybe in the East End of London
could be right, Winston?

If you're gonna be teaching
my boy, Aristotle

right?
I don't want some airy

fairy nuns coming here..
What.. Thank you.

- Lovely fillet.
- That's wonderful.

Ab.. Compliments to the chef.

- Yeah, very nice.
- I will, certain.

Ahem. Mr. Tim.

- Thank you.
- Is that your Christian name?

Yes, it is.
- Yes, good, good.

Mr. Steve, Mr. Rob.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.

He -- he won't know
who Basil Brush is.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Now you listen to me,
I wanna make sure it's not

just airy fairy thinking.

It's not a great Ray Winston.

- I lost a part to him you know.
- What's the..

- Seriously, we were --
- Why was he..

We got.. I went..
That's what I thought.

[speaking in foreign language]

I saw you do Henry VIII once,
which I thought was, I mean

he's a great actor,
but I thought that was odd.

I gave him the cockney accent,
didn't he?

Yeah, he was Henry VIII with,
with a cockney accent.

I was like,
I really fancied Anne Boleyn.

I got this old trout on me back.

Catherine of Aragon.
Don't know what to do about it.

- Sire --
- I'm thinking of getting her.

I wanna bag her,
I wanna bed her.

- Sire, might I interrupt?
- I wanna do her.

Uh, your, your new palace,
Hampton Court

is -- is ready, sir,
we've had the Jacuzzi put in

would you like to inspect it?

Fucking Pope's saying
I can't get a fucking divorce.

I'm saying what about if I say,
well, I'm in charge?

I'm the head of the church,
how about that?

What do you think
about that then?

How about I went round
all your monasteries

and fucking knocked
the shit out of them?

I mean, every single fucking one

so I fucking level them, how
about that, Mr. Fucking Pope?

Your -- Your Royal Highness,
um, I, Ann -- Anne Boleyn

is -- is waiting for you
in the ante chamber

Your Royal Highness,
shall I bring her through?

Yeah, that, yeah,
I got a -- a real boner, yeah.

Yeah, I'm pleased to hear it,
Your Royal Highness

and might I say your one's
royal boner is looking

particularly majestic
this morning.

Yeah, cheers.
I really like her.

Take her to me, uh, chamber,
or whatever you call it.

Is sire speaking
euphemistically?

What? Why are you talking
like a nonce?

Because I'm terrified of you,
sir. I'm not a nonce.

I'm not a nonce, sir.
I'm not a nonce.

This is a rumor
that has been put around

the court by Cromwell.

Alright, alright,
alright, whatever.

I really like Anne Boleyn.

She's nice, she likes you, sir.

If she messes me around, I'll
chop her fucking head off.

Literally chop
her fucking head off.

If she dicks me about,
I'll get a swordsman

over from France and --

She can kneel
and I can do it across her.

That speaks so clearly of,
of sire's class, sir

to chop off milady's head
with a swordsman.

[speaking in foreign language]

Hello.

I don't like seeing my chin in
this dome.

- Thank you.
- Your dessert.

- Gentlemen.
- Oh.

We have the almond crumble
with use of cream

fresh citrus and blood orange
on top of that, enjoy.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

Who would you be if you could be
a Greek God?

Which God would you be?

I have been cast as a Greek God.

When?

I played Hades in Percy Jackson,
"The Lightning Thief."

Yes, in Percy Jackson,
"The Lightning Thief."

Yes.
They made more of those films.

- Hmm, hmm.
- What happened to Hades?

They just didn't invite me back.

[phone rings]

Hello, Joe?

Joe?

- Hey, dad, how are you?
- Good, good.

- What's going on?
- Yeah, um..

Grandad's in hospital again.

What?

Yeah, um, so, yeah, I've been
to see him, and he's okay.

But what, what, okay, so what is
it, the same thing as before?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, same thing
as before, it's, uh

it's all routine,
they're doing some tests.

- Your check, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Did you like the dessert?
- Yeah, it was lovely.

I -- I can't eat citrus,
so I had to leave it.

- Thank you.
- Oh, that's okay.

I'm glad you're there, yeah.

- I'm at mum's actually, um..
- Okay.

Philip's moved out,
he's, he's left her, so, um..

Philip?

Yeah, Philip,
her -- her partner.

- Well, her boyfriend.
- Oh, yeah.

He's been living with her
for two years.

Yeah, yeah,
I -- I think I met him, yeah.

A very good evening to you and
welcome to this very special

Greek edition of Guess the Bill
coming to you from the beautiful

Greek island of Beach here in
the northernmost part

of Southern Greece, and, uh,
joining us to play tonight

is our returning champion from
Peventry in the North of England

it's Stephen Coogan, Steve.

Good evening.
Ur, hello.

Um, uh, uh, if you need me to
come back, uh, just let me know

I'll jump on a plane, alright?

Okay, I love you.

Love you too, dad, bye-bye.

And the wonderful thing
about it, Steve

is you never pick another person
up on what they're doing.

No, it would literally
never occur.

Oh, here he is,
the man himself, Stephen.

On this beautiful
beachside setting

would you like to play
"Guess the Bill?"

[sighs]

Not really, no.

Alright, it's 307 euro.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Chloe, it's daddy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

- Good.
- Good, what you up to?

Just watching
some stuff on my iPad.

And where's Charlie?

Charlie isn't here,
he's sleeping right now.

Alright, then let me speak
straight to mummy then, darling

and I'll, and I'll talk
to you again tomorrow.

- She's not here.
- She's not there as well?

Where -- where is she?

At, um, the theatre.

Mummy's at the theatre, what's
she gone to see at the theatre?

I don't know.

And who did she go with?

Don't know that either.

But you know
she's gone to the theatre?

- Yes.
- Ah.

Oh. Alright.

Get a move on!

Keep moving!

Are you okay?

You alright?

Come through.

Oh, husband that I love.

Why do you choose to give in to
such wild grief?

Catherine!

Farewell.

And do not fail in your love
for our son.

[gasping]

Oh.

[groans]

[sighs]

[sighs]

♪ I solve my problems
and I seen the light ♪

♪ We got a loving thing
we've gotta treat it right ♪

♪ There ain't no danger
we can go too far ♪

♪ We start believing it now

Are you singing "Grease"
because we're in Greece?

♪ Greece is the word

♪ They think our love
is just a growing thing ♪

You know that,
you know that "Grease"

is not about the country Greece?

When I'm in Greece,
I hear the word Greece

I think "Grease."

Yes, but it's not the same thing
as it.. It's a homophone.

- No, no, no.
- It's a homophone.

It's a.. How dare you?

How dare you?

I'm not a homophone.

- I'm a heterosexual.
- I'm a hetero..

I'm not, I'm a human being, um,
good evening.

Um, no, look, Steve,
look, for -- for me, Steve

Greece is the word, yes

it's the word that you heard

it's got a groove,
it's got a meaning.

Greece is the time,
it's the place, it's the motion.

Well, Greece
is the way we're feeling.

Talk more about that.

Expand on that. Um..

Do you know
who wrote "Grease?"

Steve Coogan, did you know
who wrote "Grease?"

- No, I don't know who --
- It was Barry Gibbs.

I know who, a lot of the writers
from Ancient Greece are

but I know that's not as
important to you

as who wrote the song "Grease."

It was written by Barry Gibb,
because Robert Stigwood

the Bee Gees' manager,
was producing the music.

Now, the original stage musical,
of course, it didn't have

the song, "Grease,"
and Robbie said to Barry

We're enjoying such great such
with Saturday Night Fever

the old records,
the "Tragedy," uh..

Do you know who wrote that, uh
do you know who wrote that

a friend to everyone
is a friend to no one?

Yes, Aristotle.

- Now, let me tell you this --
- Only because I told you.

No, I knew it already.

No, you didn't, if you -- you,
you don't, you don't know

you, you, you,
you learn more about..

You know more about, uh, these
irrelevant things like who wrote

the song "Grease,"
these, these trivialities

than anything to do
with Ancient Greece

other than what I've spoon-fed
you over the last few days.

♪ Grease is the time
it's the place ♪

♪ It's the motion

♪ And Grease is the way
we are feeling ♪

[rain pattering]

You know the Greeks thought
Delphi was the center

of the world, literally the
center of the Greek world.

- The navel, as it were?
- Yes.

I think so.

And they had a, a cave

the woman in the cave sitting
on a tripod

with um, smoke coming up
underneath her.

They'd have a, they'd have a
prophet there to interpret

she would then,
the smoke would come up

and she'd start going..

And, uh, they'd have
a prophet to interpret

what she was saying,
and the people believed

that it was Apollo sending
his words up in smoke

through her vagina,
and out of her mouth.

And she was
the Priestess Pythia.

Well, aren't you going to make
a joke about it?

No.

If I did, it wouldn't
be one of my pithier comments.

Ha. I knew there was something
lurking in there somewhere.

Probably where the phrase,
"Blowing smoke up

your arse" comes from.

It's a, it's a vagina,
it was a vagina, not her arse.

I hope you know the difference
by now, Rob.

God help your wife.

I bet she doesn't know
which way to turn.

Now, this here
is the stone that

Zeus dropped to signify
the center of the world.

The navel of the world
just there.

Looks more like a clitoris
though, doesn't it?

It does though, it looks more
like a giant clit.

Well, that's just, that's almost
certainly deliberate.

This was a shrine
to the female, to -- to Gaya

Mother Earth, the creative.

And, uh, until, of course,
Apollo came along

claimed all the credit for
himself, surprise, surprise.

It was ever thus,
the patriarchy, uh

claim, claiming credit.

Very spiritual, isn't it?

Yeah.

[thunder rumbles]

[bell tolling]

Michelin starred
Varoulko seaside

in Piraeus, Athens,
is widely regarded

heh, as Greece's
top seafood restaurant.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, it's very nice, isn't it?

This is, uh,
not what I expected of Athens

I was thinking hot and dusty
and not wet --

Not, well, uh, this is exactly
what I expected of

of Athens,
because lots of boats

because it's a,
it was a naval power.

Uh, the -- the Athenian Navy
defeated

the Persians
in the Battle of Salamis.

- The Battle of Salamis?
- Yeah.

So are you gonna do something
about two guys with salamis

hitting each other on the head?

Or the fact that salami's
a bit like cocks?

Yeah, no, no,
I wasn't gonna go there, but..

Really? Well,
the Battle of Salami's..

The Battle of Salami's.

Yeah, but they had Battle of,
um, Marathon not far from here

that wasn't a naval battle,
was it?

I didn't say all the battles
were naval.

And that's where
we get the marathon from.

It was a guy,
a soldier, came, he ran

from the Battle at Marathon,
all the way back to Athens.

And then, you won't know this,
he dropped dead.

And what did he shout
just before he died?

He said, "I've got shooting
pains down my arm

and sort of followed
by a crushing

feeling across my chest."

- No, no, Nike!
- Please.

What?
Thank you very much.

[indistinct]

Thank you very much.

And a premium salad
from white grouper.

Boiled eggs and brioche, crispy.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Bon appetite.

Thank you.

Uh, he shout,
he shouted, "Nike!"

He had a sponsorship deal,
he wanted to

thank the guys at Nike.

No, he shouted Nike 'cause Nike
is the Goddess of Victory.

[utensils clattering]

[indistinct chatter]

Have you ever run a marathon?

No, of course not, no.

- I have.
- Really?

If you died at the end
of a marathon

I would gladly try and
resuscitate you, you know, to..

What are you doing,
waving goodbye to me?

No, I'm pressing your chest,
and staying alive.

That, you don't do that, you
don't, you -- you don't pat us

pat someone on the back.

Arms together.
Elbows locked.

Push down, 30 chest
compressions, 30.

And you count them.

One, two, three

four, five, six..

♪ Staying alive staying alive

...ten, you do thirty of those.

♪ Steve's gonna die
Steve's gonna die ♪

- Then two breaths.
- Yeah.

Pinch the nose, head back,
two breaths, not your nose.

The nose of the person you're
breathing into their mouth.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Head back.

- We've lost him.
- So something around his neck.

What happened?
We've lost him.

But I'm pinching my nose.

Not your nose, you idiot.

Well, it's 'cause
you make people laugh

and while losing valuable
seconds, that will be good.

What if you found it funny

and you sprung back
to life laughing?

Well, I -- I'd have to be
conscious for that to

uh, to happen, so, so if I'm
conscious, then there's no need

to resuscitate me,
it doesn't make sense, so..

Alright, I'm banging your chest,
can I break a rib?

Would you mind if I broke a rib?

Two breaths, then thirty more.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Ah ah ah ah Steve's gonna die
Steve's gonna die ♪

Yeah, and why, why do they say
do it to the, to the beat

of, uh, the Bee Gees, why?

Because it's the number of beats
per minute is, is the exact --

And how many beats
per minute is it?

- A hundred and twenty.
- Yes.

'Cause that's
the classic disco beat.

Yes, I know.

Then we've got a very dangerous
area because then it might

be time to try mouth to mouth.

And I would not be comfortable
with that.

I'm glad. I'm glad you wouldn't
be comfortable with that.

I would, I would,
I would find it hard

to press my lips to yours.

I'm glad you wouldn't be
comfortable with it

'cause I enjoy it more
when you don't enjoy it.

[laughing]

Marathon man, Hoffman,
Dustin Hoffman

Laurence Olivier, they're very
different actors.

Olivier acts from the outside
in, he's not a method actor

never was, he likes
to look in the mirror

and look like someone different.

And then make that
the basis of his character.

- Whereas Dustin is..
- Dustin would like that.

I think I'm quite like Dustin.

I'm not short.
I don't like Dustin.

Yeah, well, that,
that's Dustin Hoffman.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah, Dustin.

Oh.

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying
to seduce me?

Are you trying
to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying
to seduce me?

Then what would
you choose next?

I'll tell you,
"Midnight Cowboy."

Why did he choose that?
John Schlesinger.

'Cause it was so different.

Who did he play?
Ratso? Ritso?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who was opposite him?

- John Voight.
- John Voight, yeah.

John Voight's a Trump supporter,
mad Trump supporter.

But we didn't know that then.

John Voight says

"Well, hell, I'm a hustler,
you didn't know that?"

And Dustin says, "Well, how am
I supposed to know that?

You've gotta tell the person
these things.

I mean, I understand,
the broad starts crying

I cut my heart out for her.

You will meet my friend
O'Daniel."

- Can you do an interpret?
- I haven't finished doing it.

"You will meet my friend
O'Daniel, he runs a business.."

I still haven't finished.

"You will meet my O'Daniel,
he runs the biggest.."

Now I'm getting it wrong 'cause
you get in my fricking way.

I'm walking here,
I'm walking here.

Well, I'm talking here, let me
finish this thing right now.

"You'll meet my friend O'Daniel

he runs the biggest stable
in the whole goddamn

metropolitan area."

It's crazy, a stud
like you paying.

And then there was "Tootsie,"
of course.

I knew that.

Michael, nobody will employ you

you played a tomato,
they went two days over

'cause you wouldn't sit down.

I'm a woman, I -- I don't like
the way you speak to women.

If you say that again to me,
I'm gonna knock your balls

right through
the roof of your mouth.

I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

I -- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

- I'm Michael Dorsey.
- Michael Dorsey.

[laughs]

[speaking in a foreign language]

I'm an excellent driver.

- I'm gonna, yeah, okay.
- I'm an excellent driver.

- Can you do..
- Oh.

Can you do, uh, a Godzilla

animation in a film?

Kind of like the stock film
animation.

- No.
- Okay, watch me.

[roaring]

It's very good, isn't it?

I still prefer
your Neil Kinnock.

- Um..
- If I had to choose.

If I had to choose
with a gun to my head.

And can you..
I can do dubbing films where

the voice doesn't matter.

- Yeah, you've done this before.
- I know.

It was good though, watch.

- Are you gonna do it?
- Yeah.

Um.. Don't be ridiculous.

And I told you time
and time again

every time you come here, your
voice doesn't suit you at all

and when you lose your temper

it should be like this.

Hey, you!

You're a fool.

[laughs]

Fair enough.

In "The Marathon Man",
of course

in -- in that scene where you
said, is it safe?

Is it safe?
Is it safe?

Yes, it's safe.

Oh, yes, it's safe, oh, yes,
it's very, very safe.

Are you in both parts.

Is it safe?

It's safe, it's safe, yeah.

Does this hurt?

You have a cavity at the back.

Ha, but see,
this is where you got it wrong.

'Cause he doesn't do that.

The whole point is,
he doesn't go, ugh, does he?

He's very, that's
what makes it scary.

'Cause he does it ever
so gently, like he's
like a dentist.

And that's why he's ahead,
because he's so..

Now, try it again, Steve.
I want you for this part.

- But at the moment --
- You have a slight cavity.

- Just..
- Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, and then
you get the oil of cloves.

- Yes. Simple oil of cloves.
- But you do it very caringly.

- Very caringly.
- Simple oil of cloves.

Oh, oh.

It makes it so much better.

[panting]

It's, it's not safe,
it's not safe.

Very dangerous.

[imitating drill whirring]

What are you doing there?
Are you drilling?

Yeah.

[imitating drill whirring]

Phew.
I'm now lightheaded. Seriously.

Yeah, that was, that was, that
was actually quite good.

It was good,
I'll do it again.

[imitating drill whirring]

[laughing]

And now from deep inside
Dustin's mouth

comes this, comes this,
comes this..

Help me, get me out of here,
I'm a tiny tooth.

I can't get out
of Dustin Hoffman's mouth.

Oh, my God. I'm a molar and I
can't get out of Dustin's mouth.

He thinks he's some sort
of wise guy, but he's not.

I just don't know why you
dubbed.

Well, I don't know, why are you
a small man in a box?

Well, it's a funny notion, but
I'm not, I'm small, I'm small --

It's a funny notion that..
It's a funny notion that someone

might walk round in real life
being dubbed.

- Yeah, but, but then --
- It doesn't make sense.

In this instance, we're in a..

Because we're in a dental
setting.

And a man's trapped in a box,
why in a dentist?

A tooth is trapped in a mouth.

And the tooth talks?

I'm trapped inside Dustin
Hoffman's mouth.

Well, this is where your
claim for logic

falls to the ground,
Mr. Rob Brydon.

There's no possible way
of, uh, offering

an explanation for that.

Case dismissed.

So, it's your first visit in,
uh, our hotel, sir?

Uh, first visit to this hotel,
yes, but I've been to Athens

though, a couple of times
before.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Nice to hear your voice.

Hey, Greg, how you doing?

I'm very good, very good,
how are you?

Uh, good, good, yeah, great.

How's Rob?
Is he keeping you on your toes?

He's a very,
he's a very funny man

he really, really does
make me laugh.

Yes, he's very funny, yes.

What, uh, what can I do for you?

Is there any news
on the Damien Chazelle film?

Yes, uh, yes,
but it's a no, I'm afraid

from them, they do,
they loved you

they -- they thought what you
did was absolutely fantastic.

I cry, I cried and,
uh, I did the whole..

I mean, I did the whole bit.

Yeah, I know, though, though
the crying was, was great

they -- they mentioned
they loved it.

Listen, I've had an idea, why
don't you, at the end of this

which is Ithaca,
why don't you come out

and you and I could have
a few days together?

[indistinct chatter]

- Hello.
- Ah, there they are. Hello.

- Hey.
- Alright?

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you too.

- You alright? Thanks.
- Very good.

- Good. Nice to see you.
- You look fantastic.

- Right, photograph.
- Yes.

- At the Epidaurus, the theatre.
- Mm-hmm.

Since Greece
is the birthplace of drama.

- Good.
- A bit on the nose.

Steve, it was your idea.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

Uh, right, let's do it.

Okay.

[dramatic music]

This is, um, hot, if I was
looking for one word.

To describe this weather,
you'd be hard..

[indistinct chatter]

Mad dogs, Englishmen
and, uh, Welshmen.

- Oh, it's very hot.
- I know it's hot.

- Masks?
- Comedy? Tragedy?

This is, they look like BAFTAs,
is that the idea?

- It does look like a BAFTA.
- Here we are,
you're on familiar ground.

I've got tragedy,
are you happy with that?

Um, I don't know,
what do you reckon?

- I'd go with that.
- Comedy.

You're know as a titan
of comedy.

I should have the smile

because of the number
of BAFTAs I've won.

And I should have the frown
'cause I've spent

a week with you.
Come on, let's do it.

On the other hand,
Rob is known for

accessible light entertainment.

Smiley face.

And I'm now known for,
uh, dramatic roles.

Ah, because I got
a BAFTA nomination for

playing Stan Laurel.

For impersonating a comedian.
So we give it back to you.

Yeah, I wasn't really
impersonating a comedian, though

because BAFTA, the nomination
was for best acting..

It certainly was.

...in a drama.

Guys, can you take off
the hats?

- What?
- Hats. Lose the hats.

Right, I'm gonna burn
without a hat.

Okay, we will do it quick.

- I'm not sure about --
- Why is he on a higher level?

This is just exacerbating
the height thing.

You can go on the same level.

I don't think Rob can be
on the same level.

Oh, he's talking physically,
I see.

I've got it, okay,
yep, yep, yep, yep.

Try and do like
that proper Greek actors

like a proper drama.

As if we're all Greek actors.
Right, I'll stab you.
That will come easy.

- Ready? Go on.
- Yeah, some kind of
drama there.

- Yeah.
- Sing Goddess Achilles.

Rage black and murderous

that cost the Greeks
incalculable pain.

And cast countless souls
of heroes

into Hades' black, dark, pit.

I am from BAFTA and I'm afraid

your performance,
whilst impressive

didn't quite meet the criteria.

♪ It's a tragedy

♪ When a feeling's gone and you
can't go on it's tragedy ♪

♪ When the morning cries
and you don't know why ♪

♪ It's hard to bear

♪ With no one beside you
you're going nowhere ♪

Can you sort of..

Yeah, but it's not a tragedy,
is it?

That's just depression.

Well, that's what
a doctor would say

but Barry's not a doctor

Barry's a, a wordsmith.

So he's -- he's employing
his poetic license.

♪ Tragedy

Oh, look at this,
we're on a look at that.

- Look at that.
Come on, come on, Greece.
- Oh, the bloody Greeks.

Come on, Greece,
two and a half thousand years.

Hi, it's Emma.
Hello, hi, yeah.

Um, I'm just checking
that you're there,
we're about to pull in.

Great. Oh, brilliant.
Alright then. Fab.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, hi, Yugov.
- Hi, Emma, welcome.

Nice to meet you, how you doing?

So you're gonna meet them
tomorrow with the car
and then back here.

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah. Okay, brilliant.

- We're going on
one of the big yacht?
- Thank you.

Um, where does the ferry
go from?

- The ferry's down there
on the right.
- Okay, brilliant.

- Have a good time.
- Bye, Yugov. Thank you so much.

Okay, let's go.

There's no cars allowed
on Piedra.

- Really?
- Gotta get a ferry, yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, it is good.

[instrumental music]

[bell tolling]

[laughs]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I can take your bags?
- Oh, amazing.

- Ah, we're gonna stay
at the Hedria.
- Yes.

- Where is the Hedria?
- It's over there.

- Okay, right.
- Very near.

And you'll take us to reception?

Okay, brilliant.

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

Right here we have
the sea mustard gazpacho.

- Oh.
- Wow. Amazing.

- Wow.
- Wow, it's amazing.

Delicious, thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

- How are your kids, Rob? Good.
- Good, thank you.

Um, Chloe is ten,
Charlie is four.

- Wow.
- They're a handful.

[chuckles]

- Well..
- How's yours?

Very well, thanks, she's four.

Would you have another one
do you think at your age now?

I just think at a certain age
you probably

it's probably, uh, not fair
on the kids, is it? You know.

That'll keep you young, though,
look at Jagger.

Have you seen that clip of him
after he had his operation?

- I've seen that,
where he's dancing.
- Where he's dancing, yeah.

- It's amazing.
- How long, we -- well..

How long was it
after his operation?

I don't know, not long.
Here, look.

Like pretty soon after.
It was incredible.

Golly, go on,
let me have a look.

But he has many young children,
right? So he needs to keep fit.

He's, pretty soon, he'll be
the only man in Britain

with an earlier bed time
than his child.

[laughing]

Don't wanna go to bed.
I wanna stay up, I wanna watch
the "One Show."

You can share their nappies.

Oh, hang on, he's found it,
I hope he has.

Or either that or he's having
some sort of a fit.

I've -- I've, I knocked
the screen off.

Oh, whoops, don't worry.

- It's impressive though, right?
- No, it's, uh, very impressive.

He's got a three-year-old.
He's obviously a..

- Yeah.
- Imagine him in the hospital.

"Oh, can I just say,
this ward is like

really noisy and 'cause we
can't, keep it down."

- "What time is visiting hours?"
- "When's the magazines coming
around?

- I've finished this one."
- Here we are. Here we are.

"See the bloke in the next bed?

He's done nothing but complain
since he got here."

"The nurses are -- are,
they're like, they're like

"they're like, angel nurses
in their..

"And he doesn't know who would
complain. I'm like, one elbow.

"You know, you, we should know
if you're alive.

"You know what I mean..
And -- and him over there.

"He has no visitors, really sad.

"No one comes to see him.

You alright? Hello!"
"Yeah."

"You -- you doing alright?"
"Yeah."

Do you think he was
on the ward at Papworth?

Yeah, no, he probably had a
private room, didn't he?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, most likely.

"Never mind, I can't get
no satisfaction

"I can't get no sleep.
The bloody noise.

"That one over there is moaning
and groaning all night.

You know, oh, oh, oh.."

"Oh, it's talking to him. So.."

"No wonder he don't
get any visitors.

- I mean, it's a nightmare."
- "Yeah."

"But, you know,
Keith's come to visit

"and Ronny's come to visit

you know and Charlie's
come to visit."

- What, what?
- Didn't him and Keith
have a bit of a falling out?

- No, no.
- It's -- it's like me and him.

- We get on, we love each other.
- Yeah, we have a little, uh..

"Me and Keith, we sometimes have
a bit of a, you know."

He said he had a tiny toddler,
though.

Isn't there some article about..

I, no, no, no. I've seen him..
No.

- Would you forgive Rob
if he said that?
- Sometimes.

Well, people would know
if it wasn't true.

This cat's,
this cat's gonna be his..

When he goes swimming, right,
like when he's facing down

it's like he's dredging,
you know, it's like he's --

Oh, God.

That's what Keith Richards,
and when he, when he laughs..

[wheezes]

...it's like the last death
throes of Mutley.

Yeah.

[gasping]

[speaking in foreign language]

He's loving it, isn't he?
Look at that.

- I could do that.
- It is actually quite risky.

Did I tell you about the time
I free climbed Helmet Crag?

Yes, you did.

- What is he doing?
- Ooh.

- Whoa. Look at that.
- Oh, my God.

You could be nastily
thrown against the rocks.

- I couldn't do that.
- So, and here we have --

- Ah, oh, wow.
- Shell fishes.

- Thank you.
- Rice.

- That looks so good.
- Thank you.

- It looks lovely.
- Oh, amazing.

Now this reminds me of
when the tide goes out.

Are we meant to just slurp this
like you would an oyster?

- I think you do, yeah.
- What did you do?

Well, you sort of do that,
you sort of do it like --

- Yeah, well, I think we do..
- Oh, God.

Isn't it like just fresh oyster

that -- that's like with that

smothered in garlic?

That is amazing.

- That is gorgeous.
- Oh, my God.

I might go for a dive later,
if you --

- Really? Okay.
- Yeah.

I can't do a backflip like that

but I can swallow dive.

What's swallow dive?

Well, you have to put your
arms out like this

because if you, if you do this

if you do it from a
great height, if you do this

you just go over onto your back,
so you have to

your center of gravity,
your chest, right, doing this

and then bring your arms in
at the last minute.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, Chloe. How you doing?
You alright?

- I'm good.
- Good, how was school today?

Hey, Joe, it's dad.

Oh, hi, dad.
I've just been to see grandad.

Alright, go on.

He's a bit woozy, um

they've had to run
a few more tests.

Are you gonna miss mummy
when she comes out?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go back in
to see him tonight.

Brilliant. That's good.

Yeah. Mum's gonna drive me.

Oh, great, that's fantastic.
How is she?

No, she's good, yeah, yeah.
She said to say hello.

Okay, well, uh..
Yeah, say hello back to her so..

And I thank you for, obviously,
uh, stepping into the fray.

It'll be fun with granny though,
won't it?

Yeah, good forehead, darling,
well done. Hello.

[instrumental music]

[water splashes]

Good luck.

Oh, Ms. Jones.

Ms. Jones, you look wonderful
tonight, Ms. Jones.

Thank you, as do you.

The Himalayas are unmistakable,
Ms. Jones.

Would you -- would you --
would you join me, Ms. Jones

on the terrace for a drink?
Would you?

I'm just wondering here
Leonard Cohen's house

might have been.
He had a house on here.

Do you think he's got
a blue plaque

Leonard Cohen lived here?

Oh, yes, I would think so.

I mean, Lennon and McCartney
had them.

[instrumental music]

Bravo!

It's not really high enough
to do a proper swallow dive.

No, I think that was perfect.

Well, actually it's,
this is a very difficult dive.

You -- you -- you've gotta
arch your back, you see

and, uh,
i -- if -- if you don't get

the right entry, it's lethal.

I know.

You know they're gonna
have fireworks later.

- Ah, how do you know?
- Because I've been here before.

Oh, I thought you were being
metaphorical.

[instrumental music]

[crackers bursting]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[music continues]

I have to get the ferry.

Okay.

Bye.

[sighs]

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

Wait, it's a, it's..

♪ Who shines on..

It's falsetto, isn't it?

It gets to falsetto,
it doesn't start falsetto.

It's okay, and it's not, no,
it's not forever, it's, it's..

♪ Ever and ever

Don't start there, Steve.

As -- as -- as your proctologist

I would advise you
do not start there.

Let's see what happens.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

See, what's happened,
half the audience has left.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

- Hello viewers.
- Alright, alright.

♪Ever and ever ♪

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

♪ Who shines on me
for all eternity ♪

To be fair, when Denis did it,
he had a very --

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

- Use falsetto.
- Are you deliberately
doing it badly?

♪ Shines on me

Right, okay, ready?

♪ For all etern..

- That.. Yeah, go on.
- Can I have a go?

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

But you didn't do that,
you did falsetto.

♪ That sh --

- You used falsetto.
- Did I?

Talk over you doing it
and tell you how to do it? No.

No, because you don't know
how to do, 'cause you

'cause, well, you obviously
don't know how to do it.

'Cause it's falsetto.
You went into falsetto.

♪ Ever and ever

Yes, he went into it

but I haven't reached
that stage yet.

He didn't start in falsetto,
did he, Steve?

- No, no.
- Did I start in falsetto?

- No.
- No, so I was doing
the same as Denis.

When you got to the high notes

you also remained
out of falsetto

- Car.
- Out of falsetto you remained.

- Here we go.
Right. Here we go, here we go.
- Even the high notes.

How about you do a sponsored
silence now for charity?

- Okay, go on.
- Here we go.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one ♪

♪ That shines on me

♪ Like the morning sun

♪ Ever and ever
and ever and ever ♪

♪ You'll be be the one

♪ Who shines on me
like the morning sun ♪

- It's not Castrato.
- Wait, wait, wait.

♪ All my life
and now I have been yearning ♪

Shall I call,
shall I call an ambulance?

Shall I call an ambulance?

♪ Every day with you

♪ My heart is churning

♪ Forever and ever

What the hell are you doing?
You're all over the place.

You were shocked
by the power of my falsetto.

[line ringing]

- Hello.
- Hey, hello.

- Are you alright?
- Yeah, very good, thank you.

- Is everything sorted?
- It is.

Emma's organized it all.
She says it'll be fine.

- Hello?
- Hey, Katherine.

Ah, it's, uh, um, uh,
it's Steve. Um, how are you?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
What can I do for you?

Yeah, I'm trying to get Joe,
he's not answering his mobile.

- Is -- is he there?
- Ah, yep, yep.

- I'll just get him for you.
- Oh, good.

Oh.

I'm sorry about your dad
by the way.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah.

Joe's here.
Have a chat with him.

Take care, okay, bye.

- Thanks, love.
- Thanks.

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm alright, thanks.
How are you?

Great, great.
Listen, how's grandad?

Oh, he's okay.

You know,
I mean, same as yesterday.

He seems, he seems stable.

[speaking in foreign language]

What's amazing about
the Mani is that

thousands of years ago
when it was ruled by

when Sparta was
the most powerful nation state

in Ancient Greece

to be part of the ruling council
you had to be over 60 years old.

- Yes. Yes, yes.
- So, I would be too young to
be part of the government.

I'd be like some, I'd be like
some young, rapscallion

the -- the ruling council
will be there in their robes

the elders, very wise,
and I'd be hanging around

and they'd be going,
"Get outta here, Steve

you silly young thing."

- Would you ever run
for public office?
- No, no.

Because you'd be a great orator,
wouldn't you

with your, with your,
with your skills of speaking.

I don't..

[mumbles]

Are you worried they'd -- they'd
be digging through your past?

No, I don't, I'm not bothered,
I'm not worried about that.

Because that's a pro,
that's a pro nowadays.

I mean, look at, look at
some of these people.

Look at your Trumps
and your Johnsons.

- Yeah.
- They've all done stuff.

- Yeah, well, you know, I mean..
- Not at your level but --

The one's, if you think

if you think about Heracles

he was someone who --

Heracles?
Don't you mean Hercules?

Ah, if you're, if you're using

the Roman name,
then yes, it would be Hercules.

- I only know him from the film.
- Okay.

Well, Heracles is the
Greek name for him

he murdered his wife
and children --

Arnold Schwarzenegger
played him, in the movie.

Okay, the labors of Hercules,
if you like.

- "Hercules In New York."
- Was, if you --

- One of my first movies.
- Thank you.

From a Christian perspective

is basically,
him serving his penance.

Can't even imagine Christianity
forgiving a man

for murdering his wife
and children, you've got --

Quite right, too.

Mr. Coogan,
are you suggesting that

that the man standing
before us today

who murdered his wife
and children

should be, should be forgiven?

Hercules, Arnold played him in,
"Hercules In New York."

- "Hercules In New York."
- It was one of my first films.

"One of my first."
You sound a bit like, uh,
Werner Herzog there.

That's right. That's who I was
doing. I was doing Werner.

It was one of my first films.
It very hard to do.

I had to get
Arnold Schwarzenegger

to do it for me.

My name is Georgia,
everybody calls me George.

[scatting]

- Anyway, um --
- Remember that?

- Sir.
- Oh.

We are going to start
with one salad.

- Good idea.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Oh, this..

Yeah, perfect.

Make some space
and put it into the middle.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

One melitzana dip.

And just one moment for the
bread please.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Already enjoy.
- Thank you.

- She's charming.
- Did you hear that?

- Charming little thing.
- Already enjoy.

- What a lovely slogan.
- It is a lovely, yes, it is.

I'd like to have that
on a T-shirt.

- Already enjoy.
- Yeah.

Well, you're a bit old
for T-shirts with slogans on

if you don't mind me saying.

- Sir. Some bread.
- Thank you very much.

My friend was just saying,
what a lovely thing to say

"Already enjoy."

Now you can enjoy completely.

Imagine it on a T-shirt.

- Yes. It would be nice.
- Yes?

He's too old to have T-shirts
with logos on.

You're never too old for this.

No, I think, yeah.
That's a nice thing to say.

Just to be clear,
"No, you're never too old."

- I know.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
Already enjoying, thank you.

- Yeah.
- She was very, she was
unequivocal there, not too old.

She, well, what's she gonna say?
Yeah you're right, he's past it.

Well, she could have agreed
with you, if you're

if you're as persuasive
as you think you are.

She was being politically adept

and that's the best thing
to say about it.

Just to be clear,
are you saying that you could

wear a T-shirt
with a slogan on it?

- Um, I think, I thi..
- You think your four months --

It's nothing to do, it's nothing
to do with age

it's to do with how you look,
and that's the brutal truth is

yes, I think
I am more likely to get away

with a T-shirt
with a logo on it than you are.

Not by much
but just more likely.

Yeah.

Anyway, already enjoy.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

[speaking in foreign language]

You know, the,
the Ancient Greeks recognized

that people were a combination
of good and bad.

There's not this,
this social media idea

of demonizing people completely.

They're either persona non grata
or they're heroic is nonsense.

Their Gods, you know,
were complex people

and, um, it's interesting
because this

this is a good example of it,
this review of Stan and Ollie..

Wait. Review of Stan and Ollie?
Is a good example of what?

- Ah, of..
- You're tying this
into Greek mythology?

Yes.

Um, the review of Stan and Ollie

in the Spectator says

"It's a good job Steve Coogan

"is a brilliant actor.

"He conveys Stan's
likeability so well

"that for 97 minutes you forget

what a self-regarding arse
Coogan himself is in real life."

Now, my takeaway from that is
he thinks I'm a brilliant actor.

- That's what
you take away from it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

[speaking in foreign language]

That was a lovely,
it was just, eh..

- It wasn't too much.
- Did you like it?

- We loved it.
- Wonderful, yeah, lovely.

- Really, just fresh.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.

- Do you want to continue?
- I think so.

- Yeah?
- I think so, yeah.

Is there,
is there an option not to?

- No, we'll continue, yeah.
- It's your choice.

No, we'll continue, yeah, yeah.

Never been asked that before.

Yeah, well,
it's a good question.

- Yeah.
- At our age.

Thank you.

That's a German accent,
isn't it? She's got.

Think she's German?
She's not Greek.

"Do you want to continue?"

She could have been asking us
about our lives.

"Do you want to continue?"

What, she's seen our age
and gone

"Do you want to continue or
would you prefer

I administer the drug now?"

Well, don't, she..
Not all Germans are Nazis.

I'm not saying she's a Nazi.

I'm saying she's in
some lovely clinic

where we go in Switzerland.

Yeah, I know what you were
driving at, are you? Okay.

I'm not saying
she's the occupying force

I'm saying she's in a clinic
and she's saying

"Do you want to continue?
Or would you like --"

Don't mention the war.

[laughing]

- I'm not, but seriously.
- Yeah, she's lov..

I like, I like a foreign accent
on a, on a woman.

- You like women.
- Mr. Bond.

You know, it's like you,
"Oh, where's she from?"

Oh, one of th..

So, we continue with risotto.

- Thank you.
- One for you.

- Oh, look at that.
- Oh, wow, wow.

Nice and soft for Steve.
Thank you.

- And one for you.
- There we are.

Enjoy it.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, boy. Look at that, Rob.

Three sirens?

Yeah? On the rocks.

Yeah, yeah.
Ugh. Luring me.

Well, Odysseus strapped himself
to the mast

so he wouldn't be tempted by
that sort of a hussy.

- Mm, yeah.
- That's what you need,
isn't it?

You've needed that in your life,
I think.

Someone to strap you to the mast

to stop you doing mischief.

The other sailors put bungs
in their ears

so they wouldn't hear
the sirens' song.

He wants to hear it, but he
didn't want to be lured.

So, he wants to check,
check out the sirens --

Couldn't be more like you.
Couldn't be more like you.

You want, you want to
experience it up to a point.

But halfway through,
he begs them to untie him

so that he could go and
consummate or, uh, you know..

If I had strapped you
to the mast

I would stick with the
agreement. I wouldn't untie you.

And I'd take
some pleasure in it.

I'd have a little, I'd have
cotton things in my ears, right?

You'd be on the mast
and you'd go

"Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob,
I -- I regret my decision

please untie me, the Sirens --"

I wouldn't, why would it be
in a Mancunian accent?

- Hm?
- Why would I be..

- If I was playing Odysseus..
- You're not playing.

No, I'm not saying you're
playing Odysseus

I'm saying you are you,
and I am me.

- I'd be going, "Let me go!"
- And I'd say, "I'm sorry."

Let me swim to the Sirens.
I demand it!

You'd have your hands would be
by your side, wouldn't you?

You'd be stuck there,
wouldn't you? Yeah. Okay.

Let me swim to the Sirens.

I'm sorry, Steve, um,
I've got --

I demand it!

Steve, do you recognize this?

My name is Odysseus.
Not Steve.

Who is this Steve you speak of?

He's a conceited arse
that I know from Manchester.

Well, I know not of him,
but I have heard of his talent.

I believe he's won seven BAFTAs.

- Seven BAFTAs?
- Yes.

What is a BAFTA
that you speak of?

[speaking in foreign language]

Service.

Spartan women had a reputation

for being the most beautiful
women in the world.

Yet, the men were gay.
Go figure.

- Hello.
- Hi.

So I have some fish for you.

Thank you.

And one for you. It's Grouper.

Thank you.

- Enjoy it.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[sighs]

That's lovely, that's lovely.

Make sure you mop up
a lot of that sauce.

- Oh, yes.
- After lunch, we'll go
and see the caves.

- Why?
- It's the Observer's idea.

The Greeks, as I'm sure you know

believed that in this area

caves were entrances
to the underworld

and I thought
we could tie that in

and also I could mention you
as Hades..

...flog a few, um,
Percy Jackson DVDs.

- Is everything fine?
- Mm, wonderful.

- Lovely, yeah.
- Yeah.

Gorgeous.

- Beautiful bay.
- It's very nice.

We have tomorrow a swim race.

It's called Ocean Man.

They start from the pier,
right there.

- Can you see it?
- Yeah.

They will start there and swim
into this direction

to new Itilo,
to the beach Sepa.

- Alright.
- It's international.

- People all around the world
are coming here.
- Wow.

Maybe you will see it.

I would love to,
I would love to stay for that.

That sounds amazing. But, uh --

We cannot stay,
we have to leave.

But, uh, it sounds lovely.

I'd like to join the race,
I'd like to

I'd like to join in, I think.

Maybe you can do.

Yeah, I think so.

- No?
- I don't so.

- Maybe.
- He's joking with you.

- He's joking with you.
- I'm not, I'm not joke..

I -- I'm, I'm in pretty good
shape for my age.

- We will see.
- We will see. We will see.

Thank you.

Pity. I'd like to do that.

I'd like to join in the race,
join in the..

Not competitively,
just, but, uh..

That's a long way, look at it.

I have got very good stamina.

Neither you,
nor I could do that.

I could certainly, I could beat
you in a race, I reckon.

Well, I don't think you could

and we don't have time,
so [indistinct].

Oh, that's convenient.

Okay, go to the caves
and then we have a race.

Great. Brilliant.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

[scatting]

The Swingle Singers
live at Chedder Gorge.

This is more really suited to
sort of Gregorian chant

it being like a sort of
Cathedral of sound.

- I love Greg.
- Ahh..

- Wait, what?
- I love Greg.

- Greg who?
- Gregorian.

Oh, Gregorian chant, yeah.
Very good.

Well, I don't mind
whether Greg or Ian chant.

I mean they're both good.

Would you rather, Ian?
Ian, you sit this one out.

Greg's gonna do it.

[vocalizing]

[instrumental music]

You girls,
w -- why don't you shout

why don't you say, "Go?"

Yeah, say,
"Three, two, one, go."

Yeah, sure.

Alright, don't -- don't push me.

Ready? Steady? Go!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Alright, okay, you win.

I've.. It's my shoulder.

Come on, yes!

Yes!

Yes, wh.. Yes.

Journey.

[dramatic music]

[crows cawing]

Dad?

Dad!

Journey.

[music continues]

I knew your devotion
would prevail

over all the rigor
of the journey

and bring you to your father.

Am I to be allowed to look upon
your face, my son?

To hear the voice I know so well

and answer it with my own.

I know how many lands
you've travelled

and how many seas you've sailed
to get to me here.

Give me your hand.

[sighs]

[birds chirping]

Steve.

What are you doing?

Having a swim.

We're supposed to go.

What?

We're supposed to go.

Gonna be going near Olympia.
Why don't we stop there?

It's gonna be full of tourists,

American tourists
piling out of coaches.

The Olympic Games were held
every four years

throughout Classical Antiquity.

The site is a major tourist
attraction

and has two museums

one devoted to the ancient
and modern games.

We're not going there.

We're going to Hellos

uh, home of King Nester.

[scatting]

Vangelis, Greek.

[scatting]

You're doing it
like a horn though.

It was a piano.

[imitating a piano]

Oh, sorry, glang
is the word for piano?

[imitating a piano]

I'll be the percussion.

[scatting]

Yeah.

Yeah, hate that. Hate that film.

Some posh students from Oxford
learned to run really quickly.

The end.

I think there's
a psychological disadvantage

to sitting in the passenger seat
in a car.

The driver automatically assumes
higher status.

I remember,
as a child there was a chap

whose wife drove and he didn't

and I remember thinking
"Oh, that poor guy."

And that's to me, I thought it
was completely emasculating

and, um, that woman divorced
that man that couldn't drive

and in my head, even though
I was a child, I always thought

"If he'd learned to drive,
he might still be married."

Yeah, the -- the relationship
I was in before Sally

was a long one, and -- and
when it ended, I was very bereft

and I went and stayed
with my parents

and they said, "Well, let's go
for a ride in the car."

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And they drove down
to West Wales.

- But I was sitting in the back.
- Oh, dear.

And not only was I now
without my relationship

I was also a little boy
in the back of the car.

And at one point,
near Carmarthen

I had to say, "Stop, pull over."

And I made my mum
get in the back.

Look at that
breathtaking view.

Coastal Pilos presides
over the Southern end

of an immense bay.

Was this the palace
of King Nestor, huh?

No, no, this is an
old Ottoman fortress

and from dates, this dates
from the Ottoman Empire.

At Ottoman Empire

there are great savings on
Ottomans of all sizes.

Open bank holiday Monday.

Put your feet up
at Ottoman Empire.

Otterman.
Half-otter, half-man.

New to the Marvel
comic universe.

- Half-man, half..
- You could play him.

...half useable foot stool
storage facility.

"Have you heard
what Steve's doing?

Now he's playing Otterman?"
"What?"

"Yeah, you know,
he thinks it can be good.

I read the script. It's awful."

"And he's gonna do it?
Is he alright?"

"I don't know.
I'm worried about Steve.

"He was doing so well

and then he -- he signed up
for Otterman."

Tell me a bit more about,
tell me more about

uh, Steve Coogan's decision
to play Otterman?

Well, this was towards the end
of his life and I think --

Is that, well, you -- you,
you said that.

I -- I want you to talk
more about, his -- his talent.

Well, I mean, talent is a very
subjective thing, isn't it?
I spent a lot of time with him.

Yeah, but we all know
that he was a great talent

and what we want to know
was why was he so great

so please, please,
you know, just expand on that.

Well that's still a mystery to
me. I mean, I spent a lot of --

Yes, but we -- we -- we know,
we know it's a mystery to you.

What I want to know is why..

Can you encapsulate
in an sentence

the -- the genius
of Steve Coogan?

Well, not really, I mean,
I will say I met a lot of people

over the years
who didn't like him.

- We've not got much time left.
- No.

Are you gonna miss me?

Oh, yes, and, and, no.

Yes and no. Bloody hell.

Find you very entertaining,
but, uh, you can be exhausting.

Exhausting? Me?

Good God,
you should meet you!

I have met me and, uh, we got
on like a house on fire.

Is what they're saying it
looked like?

- That looks like a, sort of..
- Yeah. That's incredible.

Looks like a halls of residence
in a 1960s British university.

- Well, yeah,
and what's wrong with that?
- Isn't it?

That's modernism.
That's Utopian Modernism.

That is incredible, that's,
that's, that's 1200 B.C. that.

So that's 800 years
before the Parthenon.

On "Grand Designs" imagine
Kevin McCloud going back to..

Yeah, and that's why
it's amazing.

...see if they're happy
with their underfloor heating.

We are beginning to feel
the pinch, Kevin

but we do, we do want to see it
through because you know..

Well -- well..
It's our dream house.

It's the same amount of time
between that and the Parthenon

is, is between us
and the building

of Canterbury Cathedral.

And as the sun sprang up..

Oh, you look very good there.

...leaving the brilliant water
in its wake.

You look like
you've come to inspect

the building regulations.

Climbed the bronze dawn
to show light

onto immortal Gods
and mortal men.

The ship sailed into Pilos
where people lined the beaches

sacrificing sleek black bulls
to Poseidon.

[instrumental music]

Driving quite fast
for a narrow road

if you don't mind me saying.

Thank you.
There's a shortcut.

That's not the road though,
is it?

- No, but it's what --
- This is the road, here.

Are we allowed to do this?

- Am I allowed?
- Yeah.

I was born allowed, me.

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

Gotta "Top Gear" this, eh?

Oh, that is a bit of a ridge
here, wow. Good Lord.

Without the, uh, prehistoric
Neanderthal world views.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is it.

This is where King Nestor
had a huge feast for Telemachus

two and a half thousand
years ago.

Is that why they call it
ox belly bay

because of all the bulls
they sacrificed?

No, 'cause it's -- it's
the shape of an ox's belly.

Yeah, I know.
Right, we've seen it, let's go.

See the mouth of the bay there,
I reckon I could swim that.

I could swim that, it's hardly
the Hellespont, is it?

It's not even Asos to Lesbos.

I'll race you.
And my shoulder's better now.

I'm not ra..
Come on, seriously, let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Alright.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello, Joe.

Hey, dad, um..

Hey.

It's, uh..

It's grandad.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm really sorry, he -- he..

- What?
- I'm really sorry.

He's died.

I'm -- I'm sorry, dad.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm..

I'll come straight home.

Yeah.

Okay.

Alright, I'll, I'll see,
I'll see you soon.

- Yeah. See you soon.
- Love you.

Love you too. Bye.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Emma.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

- Who -- who told you?
- Joe called me.

Listen, I've checked out all the
flights and the best way home

is to get on the Ferry
with Rob to Ithaca.

It stops at Sami in Kefalonia

and then you can get
a direct flight

back to Manchester, okay?

Okay, great.

Um, Joe said that you're staying
at Katherine's

and for you to stay there,
is that okay?

Or would you rather
I book you a hotel?

Ah, yeah, if that's what Joe
wants, I'll go straight there.

Alright, okay. Um, listen,
sending lots of love, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

- Eighty-two.
- Yeah, we got one only..

[shuddering]

What's going on?

My dad's died.

What?

Yeah, so, um,
I've gotta fly home.

Um, God. I'm sorry.

I -- I'll drive.

No, I -- I wanna drive,
I wanna, to keep busy.

Look at all these butterflies.

[engine revving]

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[foghorn blares]

[seagulls squawking]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[singing in foreign language]

Sami.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

And that's Ithaca.

Have to come back another day.

Yeah, we will.

[singing in foreign language]

Ah, I better go
and get the bags.

Okay, I'll, uh,
give you a call.

- Be strong. Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

[singing in foreign language]

[music continues]

[singing in foreign language]

[door creaking]

Gimme a wave! Gimme a wave!

[singing in foreign language]

[car horn honking]

Back again.

That's me.

I'm coming aboard.

I don't love your mother!

[horn blaring]

I'm going to the airport, yeah.

- Yes, sir.
- How long does it take?

Forty-five minutes
approximately.

[mellow music]

It's a bit windy.

You'll get blown away!

Oh, wow.

Mm. Mm!

Oh, my God! Ugh.

How windy is it?

Hi.

- God, I've missed you.
- I've missed you too.

Oh, my Goddess.
How nice to see you.

So, how's it been?

Agh.

It's, uh, been
a bloody long journey

- I'll tell you that.
- In Odyssey.

I didn't know Greece was so big.

But it's over now,
you're home.

Wow.

[foghorn blaring]

[music continues]

Nice to be driving the car.

- Don't you normally?
- No. I do not.

He doesn't let you?

It's not a question
of letting me drive

he likes to drive,
so I let him.

I let him drive.

Fair enough.

I like to drive.
Ergh, I like to drive.

I like to be in control.

You got, you got your hands
at ten-to-two, that's good.

But, eh, no,
you can follow the line

the racing line.

You break into the bend.
Accelerate out.

Are you glad I'm here?
'Cause you get to drive?

Yeah, 'cause I'm the boss.

I am glad you are here
for a multitude of reasons.

It's so strange to be
without the kids.

Welcome to my world.
It's not, you know..

Have you had a hard time?

It is hard, you miss the kids,
yes, I don't apologize for that.

Not all fun and games.

No. It's mostly fun and games.

Poor Steve.

It's awful to lose your dad.

It's an amazing natural bay.

I can see why Odysseus wanted
to get home, can't you?

- Look at it!
- Yeah.

We should come back here
when I'm in my 70s.

And I'm in my 60s.

I think, in all likelihood,
and please don't take this

the wrong way, I do think by
then I'll have married again.

- I'll have done a Rod.
- Yeah. Fair enough.

And I'll be with a Pilates

instructor in her mid--

Very light--

Oh, yes, very flexible.

- Very bendy. Yeah.
- Very broad-minded.

And, eh,
now you'll have my money.

- Good, yeah.
- So it's not all--

- It's not all doom and gloom.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll have a nice place
down in Torquay.

- Or here?
- Well, no, not if I'm coming.

I wouldn't come here
if you were here, would I?

I'd want to come
just me and Consuela.

Hi, darling.

- Hi.
- Hello. How are you?

Good, how are you?

Yeah, we, we're,
we're, we're good.

- Hi, Chloe.
- Yeah, yeah, we're both here.

Mummy's here, she's arrived.

[mellow music]

Ah, yes, ah, Penelope

how wonderful to see you
again in our, gosh

crickey marital bed
after all these years.

Penelope's not
a very sexy name, is it?

Then I shall call you Penny,
Moneypenny.

Is Sally a sexy name?

Oh, I'd say so.
I think Sally's very sexy.

I am sure she's sexy actually,
very, very sexy. Sexy Sally.

Thank you.

Very difficult
to say you're from Mitcham.

You're from Mitcham.
No, I'm from Edinburgh.

Well, you said you were from
Mitcham.

No, I'm from Edinbur..
Alright, I can see--

Do you stop talking?

It's, eh, it's time to begin,
right. Oh, goodness me.

I wondered where
I left my phone.

When I make love, I make love
for Queen and country

although I admit, making love
to you would be a pleasure.

[music continues]

[doorbell dings]

[door latch clacks]

Hey.

Are you alright?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.

Let me take that.
You got here quick.

Yeah.

Do you want a cup of tea
or anything?

Yes, please.

Mum says you can have
the spare room.

Great. Good.

Um, I'm sorry I wasn't here.

No, it's okay.

Were you with him?

Yeah. Yeah, I was.

[boat engine whirring]

[mellow music]

[snores]

[music continues]

[utensil clatters]

[music continues]

[sighs]

Hello, Steve.

Oh, hello.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah. It's strange being back
here after all these years.

Yeah, that it is.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.

Hey. It's..
It's time to go see grandad.

They'll take us.

Do you want me to come with you?

Um, no, I'll be fine.

You'll stay here till
the funeral, won't you?

Oh, thank, yes, thank you.

[mellow music]

Quite shallow here.

Ah..

Oh, it's very, argh.

Very pebbly. Oh, God.

Quite, argh.

Quite jagged on your feet.

Ah.

[engine rumbling]

He wept as he held
the wife he loved

sole of discretion,
in his arms at last.

Joy, warm is the joy felt by

shipwrecked sailors
as they sight land..

...joyous too for her

the sight of her husband,
vivid in her gaze

as her white arms
embracing his neck

would never let him go.

I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.

I know.

[laughs]

I do love you.

You know that?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[singing in foreign language]

[singing in foreign language]

[music continues]

[singing in foreign language]

[singing in foreign language]