All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S07E16.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[all sniffing]

I read somewhere
that the smell of doughnuts

is one of
the strongest aphrodisiacs.

You say some weird stuff
when you're hungry, Ed.

That's how you get banned
from a doughnut shop.

Hey, uh, have you guys
seen Boyd?

Yeah, he was interested
in one of my cameras,

so I gave it to him. He's around
here taking pictures someplace.

Shoot. I'm on my break. I was
hoping to hang out with him.

-That's a nice mother, huh?
-Huh?
-Hmm.

Wanting to spend time
with her kid, yeah.

My mother's idea of quality time
was me holding her ashtray.

I once told my mother
I wanted to run away.

Huh. We bonded
while she helped me pack.

How nice.
I came in looking for my son,

and I got cautionary tales.

He's a 12-year-old boy.

What trouble could he get into
in a store

that only has
bow and arrows, crossbows,

ammunition and knives.

I'll find him. I'll get him.

Thank you.
Uh, and when you do,

tell him to meet me
in the Grill.

There's a new Ping-Pong table.

There isn't,
but he doesn't know that.

-She's a good mother.
-Mm-hmm.

-You know how I can tell?
-Huh?

Boyd never has ashes
in his hair.

Must've been
some brush fire, huh?

Hey. Hey, Baxter?

You were right.
Boyd is taking pictures.

He's a real Baxter.

On the roof.

He's a real Baxter.

♪

What are you doing
up on the roof taking pictures?

What if you'd fallen?
You would've broken my camera.

I was urbexing, Grandpa.

Oh, no, no.

Urbexing? Is that a black thing
I should know about?

I-I'm always far behind
on those.

I just learned about
"Bye, Felicia."

-Uh, don't be a square, Chuck.
-Now look at...

He was up there smoking
the devil's lettuce.

Urban exploring, right?

Yeah. You go to places
in the city, like rooftops

-or abandoned buildings.
-Huh.

-It's actually cool.
-Hmm.

Hey, Chuck, um, you probably
didn't know you and your Marines

in Fallujah were
actually urbexing.

[chuckles] No, no. We had
another funny word for it.

Um, war.

All right. Be careful, kid.
I'll see you later.

-It's a lot of fun.
-Mm-hmm.

-It's all about going to awesome
locations and taking pictures.
-Oh, look at this.

Yeah, you just don't want
your pictures

on the memory board
at your funeral.

I thought you'd think
this was cool.

I do think it's cool.
Taking terrific pictures

is what I've done for years
for Outdoor Man.

Mm, and I watch people shopping.

If you really want to do this,
you want to do it the right way

with the right equipment, okay?

Instead of taking
rooftop pictures,

you go to real mountains,
real scenery.

-CHUCK: Hmm.
-Okay.

Yeah, you'll be saying,
"Look, it's a-a sunrise

here at Patagonia."

Or you'll be saying,
"Look, it's a-a waterfall

that disappears into a cloud."

Look... a guy trying on a hat.

That's a lady's hat.

[imitates trumpet
playing fanfare]

Oh, I'm gonna fix that.
That's landlord stuff.

Well, it'd be kind of cool
if the lights did that

every time we came home.

[gasps]
Babe, you just called this home.

-Oh.
-[chuckles]

Oh, and that was
our first home hug.

BOTH:
Oh.

Oh-kay. Uh, well,

obviously, you can see
it's a work in progress.

I've just been
really busy downstairs.

But this is your place.
Any questions, just ask.

Can we have a pet pig?

No. No pigs.

So, I've listed things
that I'm gonna handle,

but I also have a list of stuff
I want you guys to take care of.

What does it say on your list?

"Ha ha, I'm making them
do everything"?

Yeah. This is a lot.

Uh, do we really need an alarm?

Um, wouldn't it be cheaper if we
just yelled "help"?

Uh, now I know you guys
have some time,

but that should be done at least
a week before you move in.

However, I'm a cool landlord,

so, like, five or six days
will be fine.

Actually, you know what?
It's a week for a reason.

Let's just stick to that.

A week it is.

Okay. Uh, I will
leave you to it.

Welcome to your new home.

BOTH:
Oh.

Okay.

Well, I guess we're adults now.

Does that mean we have
to watch the news?

Uh, what should we do first?

Uh, I guess we should
start at the top of the list.

[clears throat]

[chuckles]
Did you see that?

Anybody could do that.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

All right.

-I'd like to see you try.
-Okay.

Ha! Double bounce.
Way harder than a one-bounce.

Okay. We each get three throws.
First one to 11 wins.

Small can scores double.

Okay, one game. And then we call
those people and tell them

we can't adopt the pig.

-Did you check that carabiner?
-Yes.

Did you tell your belayer
you're climbing?

I'm climbing.

Look at you climbing that wall.

You look like that arachnid-boy
in the funny papers.

How old are you?

[grunts] All right, all right,
all right, that's good.

Let's come on down now,
all right?

I can just jump.

You're not always gonna be
four feet from the floor

with a padded mat, kid.

There you go, there you go.

Oh, yes, you're-you're
a natural, kiddo.

That's right.
With the right equipment,

-you can climb any wall.
-Mm-hmm.

Just don't tell
the president that.

I can't wait for Saturday.

It's you, me
and the Devil's Thumb.

How I envy you.
As a young man,

-I climbed the Matterhorn
in the Alps,
-Yep.

El Capitan in California,
and Alma Fernanda in Peru, yes.

Alma Fernanda?
That's not a mountain range.

I never said she was.

All right.

Let's go get your helmet,
and I'll tell you stories

of my climbing days.
Come on.

Just about mountains.
Climbing mountains, that's it.

-Hey.
-Hey. Uh, Boyd told me
you're taking him

climbing this Saturday?

I talked to Ryan about it.
He said it was fine.

Please don't tell me the guy
that runs the pot shop

forgot to tell you.

No one asked his mother.
And she says it's not cool.

Yeah, well, maybe that's why
no one asked his mother.

-Devil's Thumb
is too dangerous, okay?
-Oh.

At least start him off
on the Devil's Footstool.

It's dangerous,
but he'll be with me, okay?

And we're just going up there
to take pictures.

Dad, you can take your pictures
without risking my son's neck.

I should know.
I used to be photo editor

of the high school yearbook.

Yeah, just for one semester,
and then... you know, Boyd.

He's going through a phase.

He just wants to take all
of these crazy risks.

Yeah, you took
crazy risks... Boyd.

You just pulled him off
of a roof.

Okay, taking him
to Devil's Thumb is like

telling him that he wasn't
aiming high enough.

Look, you cannot stop
the kid from taking risks,

but you can teach him
the safe way to do it, right?

I don't like the whole idea.
Okay? So he's staying home.

Because mother outranks grandpa.

Yeah... not in my army.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

Listen. If you order one
of these spotting drones

for hunters, it'll come
to your house in Bubble Wrap.

But if you want to get
the most out of it,

guess what you're gonna
have to remove.

The Bubble Wrap.

Kind of works the same way
with our kids,

but it seems like it's getting
harder for parents

to understand that.

Because we've got a lot
of people running around

like Chicken Little, shrieking
that the world's more dangerous

than it's ever been.

I take the contrary view--
surprise.

Listen. Trumper tantrums aside,
I think there's never been

a safer time to be alive.

Sure there are still dangers
out there,

but smallpox isn't one of 'em.

Most of the things
that would kill us

before we even
stepped out of the cave

aren't even a risk anymore.

But if you convince your kid
that the world's a scary place,

damn it, it's going to be
a scary place.

And if you're one
of those parents

who feels compelled
to put your kid on a leash,

you got to ask yourself,
are you trying to keep 'em safe

or are you trying
to keep 'em close?

It's tough watching something
you've worked so hard on

hurl itself into the world.

But I read once on an oven mitt,

if you love something,
set it free.

That's as far as I got,
'cause I was taking

a beautiful brisket
out of that oven.

If you don't set it free,
you could just cripple it

and leave it in the basement.

And between you and me,
if you want to let them go

and keep tabs on 'em...
[chuckles]

these drones have
a remarkable range on 'em.

And they're on sale.

Baxter out.

Thanks so much for helping us
with the apartment, Jen.

No problem.

Mandy Baxter lines up her shot.

Her height's giving her
what many fans are calling

an unfair advantage.

Boom!

Nothing but can!
Pass me the avocado,

'cause your game is toast!

Baxter with quadruple points
for the win!

[imitates crowd]

W-Wait-wait-wait.

What, bonus throws are
four points now?

That doesn't make sense.

You're right.
I mean, the Chinese

only invented soccer, hockey,
tennis, and golf.

But, yes, keep explaining
the rules of roomball to me.

Anderson quietly concentrates,

like a platypus preparing
to catch a freshwater shrimp

in its cheek pouch.

Google it. That's exactly
what you look like.

KYLE AND JEN:
Whoa!

-[chuckles] Yeah!
-[Jen boos]

What the hell is going on
in here?

Uh, playing roomball.

I thought you guys were
supposed to be painting.

In our defense,
it is the playoffs.

Well, stop.
You're banging around up here,

and I'm trying to run
a business downstairs.

This is so exciting.

I've never been yelled at
for being rowdy before.

I know you think that
I'm the cool landlord,

but I only rent to adults.

And right now...

you're acting like children.

[Mandy scoffs]

Who does he think he is,
calling us children?

Yeah.
We're not children.

[both sipping loudly]

Hey. What's up?
You want to see me?

What's up? I was thinking
about what you said

about going to Devil's Thumb.

And, okay, I'm gonna say
something I've probably

never said to you before, um...

You were right.

Of course, the first time
that you admit that,

there are no witnesses.

It's always been safety first.
I always told you girls,

safety first. Remember?

No. You said "Reagan first."

You're right, you're right,
you're right, right...

I think I figured out a way
to keep Boyd completely safe.

-Oh.
-All right?

Aah!
Uh, what?

Hi, Mom.

All right, the Bubble Wrap's
not complete without this.

Totally safe.

And I can prove it.

-Look out!
-I...

-[laughs] I'm okay.
-Uh-huh?

-Mm.
-You know? I can do this
all day-- aah!

That's great.

And not just because
this is a lot of fun.

Give me a break, Dad, okay?
I'm not an idiot.

I know that the minute
that he's out of my sight,

he's gonna take off
all of that gear.

She's got us there, Grandpa.

[Boyd grunts]

-All right, I knew you weren't
gonna fall for this, okay?
-Yeah. Nice try, though.

No, no, no, I'm not done,
not done, not done.

If you don't think it's safe
for us to go alone...

why don't you go with us?

Huh?

I'm sorry. You want, you want me
to go climbing with you guys?

Well, it seems like
it's the only way you'll feel

like he's gonna be safe,
and that's the problem, right?

Yeah. Uh, all right, yeah.
Uh, I guess I can go.

Aw.

What is that supposed to mean?

-Nothing.
-Nothing-- look,
it's gonna be great.

We're gonna have a blast.

Not a blast, that's way too
dangerous. We'll have a snuggle.

-Whatever.
-What-Whatever?

Come on, you know
I hate that word.

Whatever.

[muffled]:
This is bull...!

What did you say to me?

Yeah. You know, he's right.
It-it will be a snuggle.

It's gonna be the best damn
snuggle of your life.

Come on.

Listen, I'm sorry
about all the extra shoves.

I just had--
[chuckles]: I had no idea

how much fun
those were gonna be.

Ooh, this is...

not what we ordered.

Uh, well, I don't know who
this Diane M. is,

but she was smart enough to
order double orange chicken,

-and we are smart enough
to keep it.
-Yeah.

Hey, sweetie,
what are you doing here?

Uh, I'm looking for
my old hiking boots.

Did you put them somewhere?

Oh, yeah.
The Goodwill bin.

Three years ago.

I just don't get why
people like hiking.

It's just walking where
the ground doesn't cooperate.

Well, Boyd's going up to
the Devil's Thumb with Dad.

-Oh, nice.
-And I'm gonna go, too.

Just to make sure he's safe,
you know.

Uh, honey, is-is there
something else going on?

No.

Maybe. I-- I don't-- I just--

you know, I just want
to spend some time with Boyd.

He has had
no interest in me lately.

-How old is he now?
-12.

Oh... that is the most
painful time for a mother.

I mean, even labor
only lasted 24 hours.

Look, Kris, it's just a phase.

Most kids go through it.

Uh-- especially those boys.

For 12 years,
Brandon was my angel.

Next thing I know, he's snotty,
grouchy, aloof-y...

all the dwarves that didn't
make it into that cartoon.

It is not just boys. I mean,
I had my problems with Eve.

Ah, I mean, if you think
about it, Eve was kind of

the boy in our family.

Uh, no, no, Eve was worse.

Look, imagine a sullen teenage
boy who has periods.

What did you do?

Well, the hardest thing
a mom ever does...

nothing.

You know what-- get a cat.

I can't just give up on my son.

Sweetie, I'm not saying
give up on him.

But just give Boyd some space.

Be there for him
when he wants you to be

and not necessarily
when you want to be.

Your little boy's
turning into a man.

And no man wants to change
in front of his mother.

Oh, that is right.

That is right. Look...

Boyd loves you.
Just like Eve loves me.

Just give him time.
He'll-he'll come back to you.

When?

Well, the sooner you let go,

the sooner he'll come back.

The only real question is,

when are you gonna
stop chasing him?

I suppose "until I catch him"
is the wrong answer?

You don't want to catch
a 12-year-old boy.

They're sticky.

I guess you're right.

I've heard other mothers talk
about this.

It just wasn't supposed
to happen to me.

Right. And I wasn't
supposed to turn 40.

But that day is coming.

-[chuckles]
-Shh!

There's so much to do
on this list.

Yeah. I don't even know
where to start.

It doesn't even feel
like home anymore.

It feels more like a cage.

No. It's worse. You can have
a pet pig in a cage.

What's going on in here?
It's too quiet.

Nothing.
We're just being adults.

And adults don't laugh
or squeal with delight.

Guys, look, I'm not saying you
can't enjoy yourselves, okay?

I just want you to knock
some stuff off the list.

You don't have to lose
your sense of fun.

Really? You did.

Did I?

Did you ever ask yourself why
there was a tennis ball up here?

Oh, we don't really deal
with life's big questions.

Or why there are all these
paint cans up here

with no paint in them?

Almost like, I don't know,

someone put them there
for a reason?

God?

No... me.

And it's not called roomball,
okay? It's called bounceball,

and you're doing it wrong.
There's no double bounce.

[scoffs]
Double bounce.

Wait, you invented a game?
But you're all grown up.

Yeah. I did.
And I'm really good at it.

I don't believe you.

All right.
Hand me the tomato.

It's what I call the ball.

Watch and learn.

Can you teach us how to do that?

Call me when you knock
the first thing off the list.

-Hey, Kris.
-Hey.

So?

Did you conquer Devil's Thumb?

Oh, it was great.

I took pictures
of mule deers, snakes.

I even got some
of a baby mountain lion.

But we got the hell out of there

before the mama
came looking for it.

Well, that's just a mama
doing what mamas do.

It was a long trip for the car,

and Grandpa's gonna do
what grandpas do, so...

I had a great time, Grandpa.

You rule.

I really wish I ruled.

I would be fair but feared.

And all my subjects would wear
really cool outfits--

anyway, got to use the throne.

Oh, I forgot about these.
Eagles!

[chuckles]
Bradley Cooper's cray.

Want to check it out?

Oh, uh, no, that's-that's okay,
honey, that's-that's your thing.

Mom, seriously.
I got right in on his face.

Oh, my God.
That is an eagle.

I know. Right?

Wait, you-you took this?

I took them all.
We had to be super quiet.

I used the telephoto and opened
up the aperture all the way.

That's a really cool effect.

-That's a
depth-of-field deal, right?
-Yeah. I know, Dad.

Yeah, you taught me that.

Yeah. Uh, it's called
creamy bokeh.

-Mm-hmm.
-You teaching him all my tricks?

Hey. Good chance to teach him
all your tricks, huh?

Anyway... it was a great trip.
I got to go, guys.

-Thanks, Grandpa.
-I love you both.

Thanks, Dad.

It's so cool you know
about this stuff, Mom.

Yeah, well, uh,
I used to be photo editor

of my high school yearbook.

Then I gave it up.

How come?

I found something I love more.

Hey... why don't you
come with us next time?

Uh, maybe.

Yeah, I-- I'll-- yeah, maybe.

Oh, it was a--
it was a mountain lion.

I'm glad you took Boyd
to Devil's Thumb.

Kids these days--

they're only
into virtual adventures.

Aw, tell me about it.

With their Walkmans
and their-their Game Boys

and their Donkey Kongs.

You're gonna love the '90s,
Ed, once you get there.

[chuckles] I remember all
the stupid dangerous stuff

-I did with my friends as a kid.
-Yeah?

W-We would hose down
the front steps,

let it ice overnight,

and sled down it in the morning.
[chuckles]

-That doesn't sound
too dangerous.
-MIKE: Yeah.

Oh, no. I was the sled...

That's nothing. My buddies
and I used to play hot potato

with cherry bombs.
That's fun, man.

No one ever lost a finger?

No. Yeah, my buddy Lefty
learned a lesson, though.

Uh, look, I-I can
top both of you.

My friends and I would have
these knife fights

with another gang of kids.
[clears throat]

Then we'd dance on the rooftops
until we got chased off

by Officer Krupke.

You're describing
West Side Story.

It wasn't just a story.

Well, the good thing
is that you-you grow out

of doing that stuff.

Amen.

Hey, guys.

I feel like a superhero.

Want to see me throw myself
down the stairs?

Absolutely! Yeah!

-Let's do this.
-I'm first push!

[chicken clucks]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH