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Let me think.

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Where to begin?

New York City.

♪ I've gotta break the ice to meet you ♪

Tuesday.

And once again I find myself sitting at the bar.

My bar.

In the middle of the city.

In the middle of the world.

This could be my lucky night.

The woman on the next stool

has been matching me drink for drink for two hours now.

Could it be the time has come for me to introduce myself?

Maybe so.

I'm...

Tulley.

Nice to meet you, Tulley.

I'm Natalie.

Bottoms up, Natalie.

♪ Yeah, I kinda like the looks of you ♪

Happy hour's over.

He's a jolly fellow?

Kelly hasn't been the same

since he lost the Miss America Pageant back in '74.

Pool table's open.

Do you play?

♪ I could walk right up and say hello ♪

♪ It's true, yeah, I kinda like the looks of you ♪

♪ We could sail a boat on the ocean blue ♪

♪ With the fishes singing in a full bright moon ♪

Teacher, huh?

Interesting.

It's OK.

I can't stand kids, though.

I can see where that would be a problem.

Anyway, school talk's boring.

What do you do?

I, um...

I edit copy at an ad agency.

Sounds interesting to me.

Mmm.

It pays the bills.

What do you do in your spare time?

I write and I drink.

Drinking help you write

or are you the clichéd writer with a drinking problem?

Actually I'm more of a drinker with a writing problem.

Well, that was a complete waste of chalk.

Would you like another one?

You trying to get me drunk?

Now why on Earth would I try and do that?

So you can get in my pants.

I don't think they'd fit me.

We drink, we shoot pool, you get me drunk...

Next thing you know we're at your place.

What's wrong with your place?

My place is a mess.

So is mine.

You talked me into it.

Say what you will.

I've spent many of the best moments of my life

drunk off my ass.

All right?

I'm all right.

Oh!

Ah!

Who put that there?

It's like an ambush!

Oh!

Mmm.

Easy, easy, easy, easy, Teach.

Going too fast for you, ad man?

No, but a fellow likes to ask.

So ask.

What are you doing up there?

Come here.

What is it?

You can't be serious.

What the hell is that?

A walking catastrophe.

You want me to scare ya?

Should I take my pants off?

It doesn't work.

This is the only thing that works.

That's attractive.

I can burp the alphabet if you want.

Oh, just no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop that.

All right, then pull my finger.

If you have any intentions...

-Pull my finger. -of having sex with me,

you will stop that.

Go on, pull my finger.

Forget it.

Oh!

Is sex important to you?

Well, I'm a man.

And men are sex-craved animals.

Yes!

Sex is important to me.

Oh, well, I'll let you in on a little secret, Tulley.

What's that?

Women want men and sex just as much as men do.

Men and sex as much as women want them.

We just have more class.

Can you say that, could you do that in English?

Yes.

Pull my finger. Pull my finger.

That's so classy.

OK.

Save me.

Save me.

-Morning. -Morning.

Coffee?

Please.

I found a cup of yesterday's.

It's OK, I reheated it.

What are you having?

Hair of the dog that bit me.

You want some?

No, thanks.

How about some water?

I'll see what I can do.

Do you do this a lot?

What? Go out drinking,

pick up a gorgeous school teacher

and have hot passionate sex with her?

About, uh, twice a year.

No, I mean the drinking.

What do you mean?

Don't the hangovers kill you?

I don't get any.

Never?

No.

I mean, I couldn't drink if I did.

I'm a total coward when it comes to pain.

I am built strictly for pleasure.

You don't have to walk me home.

Why, you don't want me to?

No, I just don't want you

to feel like you have to.

I'm a big girl.

If this is just a, you know, I mean, last night,

if it was just what it was and, whatever.

Oh, this is just a, uh, what it was,

uh, a whatever, uh.

Do you mind?

-I'm trying to be graceful. -You don't teach English, do ya?

Trying to be graceful?

-Yeah. -Is that what it is?

-Yeah. -Oh, I see,

you're letting me off the hook.

Yeah.

Yes.

You're a riot, you know that?

Yes, I know that.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing, just...

the people that I like bombed

are usually a pain in the ass when they're sober.

Is that a sort of, kind of a compliment?

Maybe. Kind of, sort of, yeah.

Well, thank you, I think.

You're welcome, I think.

This is me.

That's amazing.

All these years three blocks away

and I've never ran into you?

You probably weren't looking.

Probably not.

So, do you, uh...

so do you wanna, uh...

Do you wanna meet me tonight at the bar?

Yeah.

What time?

Ah, you know.

Maybe sorta...

5:30, to be precise.

-All right. -OK.

Good. OK, yeah.

-OK. -Thank you.

Yeah.

OK. Have fun with the little monsters.

And so we parted.

And I stumbled off to work.

Off to drudgery's cathedral.

My penitentiary.

The place I'm swallowed each morning

and coughed out each night.

That strange netherworld of mild tortures

where time itself has long since given up bothering to pass.

No, mother, I'm not coming.

You know I hate Connecticut.

All those birds, all those trees, it unsanitary.

-Tulley. -Hold on.

Can't you see I'm having a conversation with my mother?

Hey, Ma?

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why you're shaking.

She's gonna eat me!"

Yeah, well, think about it.

Call me when you get it.

Yeah.

You might find that interesting.

What is it? Your resignation?

No. It's the job you last proofed.

It is completely riddled with errors.

Well, riddle me this, Batboy.

Why do you suppose there are so many errors in this copy?

Because you're a useless, drunken fool.

No, the reason my socks don't match

is because I'm a useless, drunken fool.

The reason there are so many errors in this copy

is because your well-paid copywriters can't spell.

I've already shown that to Bonnie.

I think you should know that.

Let me ask you something, Scott.

Did you show it to her before or after you had sex with her?

Because I would hate to think

that you're using me as foreplay.

OK. OK.

See what happens.

-Sorry. -Jesus!

Sorry.

Scott's in a mood.

You have no idea.

That guy wants my job so bad

he'd run naked through Grand Central Station to get it.

There's an ugly picture.

You think that's bad, listen to this.

With new Clean and Clear you will experience

a brightness as never before.

Before what?

Exactly.

Attention Kmart Shoppers!

Would a Christopher Boyer please report to lost and found.

We have located your children.

Please pick them up before we put them on sale!

It's just appalling...

You would think that this boy had an I.Q. of a lentil.

Uh, you wanted to see me?

Do the names Strunk and White mean anything to you at all?

Uh, no.

-Should they? -Yes.

You're a good writer, Chris.

But even a Rolls Royce needs a polish once in a while.

-Look it over. -OK, thanks, thanks.

I will, I will.

Get out.

OK.

-Let us lunch. -Woo-hoo!

Mm. What is there so sweet

as the surreptitious drink

poured down in the middle of a working day?

You know, in some cultures people do actually get fired

for drinking on the job.

You're not drinking. I am.

Oh, you think if any of the suits saw us sitting here

they would question what I'm drinking?

Why don't you ask me how my evening was?

How was your evening?

Oh, wait, no, let me guess.

You got drunk, picked up a girl,

you had sex with her, threw up on her and then she left.

Not bad. Four out of five.

She was still there in the morning.

Get out.

Wow. Are you going to actually see her again?

Tonight. 5:30 at the bar.

Well, congratulations, old man.

Do you mind if I tag along?

I would like to meet the woman

that can actually stand you two nights in a row.

Certainly, certainly.

Anything I can do to further your miserable education.

Speaking of furthering your education.

I'm about to teach you a brilliant business maneuver.

What could you possibly teach me about business?

I'm gonna teach you how to get past Bonnie

and the suits without being seen.

-What? Where? -No, no, no.

About 10 paces behind you. Don't look.

Oh, shit!

No, oh, shit later. Just, follow my lead, OK?

Has anybody lost a wallet?

Black leather wallet?

OK, let's go.

I don't know.

That's yours isn't it?

And so we escaped undetected.

A brilliant ruse and this is how I expend my...

my, uh...

Mm.

Oh, shit, my...

You know, if you want words to get on the paper

you have to actually press down on the keys.

Why do you insist on using that horseless carriage? Hmm?

Because I don't want the whole office

electronically looking up my skirt.

-What time is it? -Go home time.

Let's go.

Get out of here.

I give up.

I'm fucked.

You know, it is exhausting trying to look busy all day

and then being brilliant on top of that is just murder.

Don't I know it.

Let's go distribute the pain.

All right, all you, self-proclaimed copywriters.

Your work sickens me

more than a plate of chocolate covered herring.

And for that you must pay!

Frank! Get thee to a dictionary!

Likewise, you, go hence!

And, fair Katherine, my nostrils quiver in horror

at the stench you put before me.

And young Christopher...

Better.

Bremec, Williams and Jenicek, may I help you?

Hold on, Macduff.

Is she in?

Yes. And she does not want to be disturbed.

Neither do I, but I was born this way.

Bonnie! It's Tulley. I'm leaving.

OK. Good night.

Have you seen Scott?

No, I haven't.

I thought you might have.

No, I haven't. Good night.

I wanted to answer a question he had before I left.

Well, he's not here.

Yeah, he wanted to know about a treatment for crabs.

Would you tell him that the name of the shampoo is Bug-Rid.

B-U-G dash R-I-D.

Bremec, Williams and Jenicek, may I help you?

It's for you.

Tulley?

Yes?

Get out of here.

Whatever you say, General.

Thank you.

Oh, God, I hate that drunken asshole.

Shhh.

I oughta start charging you two rent.

We're just waiting for the bus.

It, it does come here, right?

She's late.

She'll be here.

You'll see. She's a nice girl.

How did she deal with hanging around you?

Oh, we have a lot in common.

Like?

Well, we both like to go drinking on Wednesday night

and we both think that I'm adorable.

And that, in your opinion, makes her a nice girl?

Well, I admit that the depth of my knowledge in this area

-is quite narrow, but, um... -Yeah.

She's all right.

Is that her?

Mmm, Natalie!

Hey!

-Hi, sorry I'm late. -How are you?

It's all right.

You waiting long?

Waiting is what I do best.

Natalie McConnell, Levine.

-Hello. -Hi.

Levine can't believe that a nice girl like you

would want to be involved with someone me.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

And Tulley's wrong.

-I'm not a nice girl. -You're not?

No. I was a nice girl 10 years ago, but I outgrew it.

Can I get a vodka cranberry please?

So is Levine your full name?

-Oh, yeah. Like Sting, Beck. -Tulley.

Yeah, we couldn't think of a second name.

-We have writer's block. -Oh.

You another drinker with a writing problem?

That's my line!

She walked right into it.

Fell for it's more like it.

Well. I'm nowhere near the league that Tulley is in,

either as a drinker or a writer.

Did he tell you that he was voted the most promising writer

of 1980 by the National Review of Books?

No.

He's even had some short stories published,

to say nothing of his novel.

You wrote a novel?

I'm writing a novel.

I'm still-still working on it.

How long have you been working on it?

Let's see, what day is it today?

Thursday?

17 years.

You've been writing the same book for 17 years?

Oh, yes. I had writer's block,

so I took a decade off for bad behavior.

But, can we talk about another subject?

Let's talk about you. How was your day?

How about we talk about another other subject?

OK. Levine? Ask me how she was in bed.

Don't you dare.

How was she in bed?

You say one word and the rest of this

is going over your head.

Oh, don't worry.

I would never believe anything he said.

Actually, she was... wonderful.

Very unselfish.

Thanks.

That was sweet of you.

I meant every word.

What time is it, Levine?

It's either a quarter past one or January 15th.

I hope my train is still running.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You're not in Boston anymore.

The trains run all night here.

Here we go.

The bars are open until four a.m.

Yeah.

And the streets are paved with gold

and all the women

-are gorgeous... -Yeah, I know.

-Boston sucks. -and available.

We're all backwards and repressed

because of that one o'clock last call.

-Oh, it's barbaric! -It's terrible.

Three hours of less drinking is barbaric?

Never underestimate the value of alcohol.

It brought us together.

He's right.

You know, drinking will improve everything,

your writing, your jokes, your love life.

Levine, are you seeing anyone?

Just Tulley.

Hmm. You're sweet.

You know, I feel kind of funny being here.

I could've gotten a cab.

Think nothing of it, I couldn't bear the idea

of you trekking all the way back to Siberia.

-Brooklyn. -Same thing.

You just sleep on the couch as usual

and I'm gonna go in the other room and have some fun.

As usual.

You know, I gotta get me one of those.

She's-she's all right.

Yeah, she is.

Oh, I meant to, ah, I meant to give this back to you.

I read it.

It's very good.

It's depressing, but it's what you do best.

Well, thanks.

I just wish I could make some money at this.

No, no, no, no. You don't want that.

No. Not at all.

No, no, you-you're not interested in money, Levine.

I definitely think that you are leaning toward the artistic.

Well, I guess I'll just follow your lead.

Don't do that.

Just remember what the bumper sticker says.

"Don't follow me, I'm lost".

Goodnight.

Good morning.

Good morning.

We're gonna start our morning now

with our stretches.

First, we have to breathe in always in the morning.

Stand with your feet shoulder width apart.

Levine.

Hey, wake up.

Oh, let me guess.

New York City.

Sometime in the 21st century.

Two out of two.

Up. Shower's all yours.

What time is it?

It's either 7:30 or the Ides of March.

Come on, hop to it. Let's go.

Cutting back, I see. Still no coffee?

Somebody told me that caffeine was bad for your system,

but if you don't care who or what goes inside of you.

Oh, my God. You made me coffee.

Hey, it's instant, it's not real coffee.

That's OK. Instant's good.

Just take it easy, all right?

I didn't go buying furniture or anything.

I just boiled some damned water.

OK.

Thanks.

See you tonight.

You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

No.

Pretty sure of you, though.

Hi.

May I help you?

I have a question.

I swear I did not hear you guys having loud, raucous sex.

That's not my question.

It's about his drinking. How much of a problem is it?

Oh, he's definitely an alcoholic.

He's not a violent or a stupid drunk.

He just drinks because he enjoys it.

At least, that's what he tells me.

You believe him?

No, but I respect his right

to screw up his life however he chooses.

We've all got our demons.

Yeah, but he's killing himself.

Well, take it from me.

If you mention that to him, he'll never speak to you again.

OK.

One more question.

Shoot.

I know this is gonna sound stupid my having to ask,

but could you tell me his first name?

I love it when he does this.

I knew him for about a week before I found out.

-It's Ryan. -Ryan.

Doesn't he like his first name?

I don't know.

Everyone just calls him Tulley.

Probably because he's always getting yelled at.

Hey, aren't you-aren't you curious about my first name?

Tulley told me.

It's Daniel.

My God.

-He told you the truth. -Yep.

This is historic.

Friday morning.

Time for my weekly lecture from Bonnie.

Hello, Bonnie.

I just want to know...

what goes on in that gin-soaked head of yours.

If you really must know,

I was trying to remember

where the first place was that we, uh...

What happened to her?

Why does she act like this?

Why's she wearing that blouse?

I mean, when she first came here, she was...

she was so sweet.

We had a raging affair that lasted months,

I mean, there is not a surface in this room

on which she and I have not had sex.

What happened to all that?

Where'd it all go?

You finished?

I am.

No, I just remembered where we first made it.

It was right here on the desk and then it was on the couch

and then it was on the floor, so it went desk, couch, floor.

Let it go, Tulley!

What do you think happened to us?

One of us sobered up.

I didn't do it.

-Hi. -Hi.

Do you have a reference book for authors in print?

-Yeah. -Letter T?

Mm-hmm.

You know? If you gotta drink that shit,

you might wanna try a few Tic Tacs

before going back to work.

Bonnie's gonna fire me no matter what I do.

-OK, that's the spirit. -Just promise me something.

That when she does

you will avenge me in some underhanded way.

Oh, I swear, sire. I will avenge thee.

Wait here, lackey.

-Excuse me, ladies. - Hmm?

Ah, my friend and I couldn't help noticing you both

and we were wondering if, ah,

you'd like to join us for lunch?

-Fuck off.

Very nice.

Can you believe?

Am I losing my touch or what?

What do you think? Am I, uh...

You think I'm in love or something?

What? With Natalie?

I believe you might be.

But, that's not your problem.

Hmm?

Your problem is that you're this close

to losing your freaking job.

Don't worry about it, Levine.

Why would somebody who hates kids

so much become a school teacher?

The point is, if you know they're out to get you,

then why hand them the ax

they need to chop your head off, right?

Don't get me wrong, I don't like kids that much myself,

but I don't work with any.

Except for you, of course.

So, you refuse to listen?

You just refuse to straighten yourself out?

What are you getting so excited about?

It's just a job.

I'm not gonna change who I am for a lousy paycheck.

You're not willing to change even just a little bit?

No.

I'm perfectly satisfied with the person that I am.

How can that be?

I am totally dissatisfied with the person I am,

and I'm not half the asshole that you are.

You know, Levine?

You're gonna have to learn

to get much more satisfied with yourself.

I mean, what if you live to be a hundred?

Well, I couldn't afford it.

Well, if you do, you ought to do it with a smile.

There'll be nobody left around to cut your meat for ya.

Oh, another life lesson.

I gotta start writing these down.

Yes, you do.

Where are you going?

To a book signing.

Taxi.

Step up, please, step up.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Step up, please, step up.

Would you like something, um, special?

No.

Who wants to read the pathetic ravings of an old lunatic?

-Tulley! -Pitcoff!

My God, I come from Florida to sign my books.

How did you know I was here?

It's in the paper, you're a big deal.

I keep forgetting, then I remember and I drink.

Eh, eh, please, can I take a moment?

Oh, of course, Dr. Pitcoff, but not too long,

we have a lot of customers waiting.

Yes, yes, of course.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, we'll make a run for it.

God, Tulley, I almost did not recognize you.

I tell you, you look like death.

I am death.

I have my car parked downstairs waiting to take us to hell.

No, no, no, I have too many books to sign.

Besides, I am not ready to die.

-You look great. -I feel great.

Are you writing?

-Now and then. -No.

Not "now and then". Every day.

- Hmm. -You must write every day.

What did I tell you?

-It is like? -Breathing.

-It is like? -Blinking.

-It is like? -Farting.

Yes! No, no.

Did I tell you that?

No, I told you that.

Well, it is very good. I will use that.

It is a pity you did not absorb the discipline of your father.

I saw him the other day.

Where'd you see him?

Oh, it was at something to raise money

to stop people from doing something.

Could you be less specific?

I wish.

My star.

My most promising.

God.

How did you grow so old?

Day by day, Maestro.

Day by day.

♪ I go to bed in the morning ♪

♪ Up in the afternoon ♪

Actually, I'm more of a drinker with a writing problem.

What?

I said I'm a drinker with a writing problem.

♪ Take a look at my sidewalk ♪

♪ The memories grab the pavement ♪

It's a play on words.

Well, good talking to ya. Kelly!

♪ It's a lonely road without now ♪

♪ It's a lonely road ♪

♪ Ripped and torn but I get through somehow ♪

♪ It's a lonely world ♪

How you doing, Levine?

Not bad.

-How are you? -I'm OK.

Where's your partner?

♪ Without you now ♪

♪ Let me stay ♪

I didn't know he played with a band.

That's his former band.

He jams with them whenever they come to town.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure!

Kelly!

Vodka and cranberry, please.

Good memory.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

♪ It's a lonely ♪

♪ Such a lonely ♪

Levine, can I ask you a question?

You want me to get in the shower first?

What do you think of Tulley's writing?

Oh, I've never read any of it.

He won't let me.

I just read his short stories.

They're really good.

All about his growing up in New York.

Surprisingly sad stuff.

You'd better stash that.

If he sees it, he'll pitch a fit!

Why don't you take it?

Is he any relation to the Ryan Tulley?

Oh, yeah, that's his father,

but you didn't hear it from me.

He's full of secrets, isn't he?

Yeah. But he's obviously nuts about you.

How do you know?

I'm Levine.

It's my job to know.

Whoo!

Not bad for a broken down drunk.

That was great.

I really miss playing with those guys.

Yeah? You gonna go on tour with them, Pops?

You kidding?

I could barely survive the walk to the subway.

Hey, there's a table. Want to grab it?

Yeah.

Here you go.

You know, I think I need a drink.

Oh, let me get it for you.

Oh, would you?

You just stay here and enjoy your groupie.

You sounded really great.

Your face got so red

I was afraid your head was gonna explode.

Oh, I was saving that for the finale.

Your drink.

-Oh! -Tough day at the office?

No, you don't even know the half of it.

Levine. Another.

Yes, Master.

And hurry.

What happened?

We do not speak about it.

You see that?

That was it.

There.

Right there.

My high water mark.

Thanks.

-And then.

-Geez, I'm so sorry! -Poof.

-What the fuck? -It all starts

to tumble down.

Shit!

-What the fuck you doing? -Come on!

The carefree pointless tale,

of my carefree pointless life.

...come back here again.

I don't want no trouble.

You hear me?

Hey, you hear me?

Hey, hey, hey!

One knee in the gut and suddenly my clock

has begun to tick.

Oh!

This is all I could find.

-Thanks. -How's your head?

Oh, it's probably just a concussion.

A few weeks in a coma and I should be fine.

Yeah well, you can sleep on the couch, but I must warn you,

if you die in the middle of the night,

I will have to stuff your body into a compactor.

I'm a mess.

My life is a total waste of time and energy.

Hey, Springsteen, let's get some sleep.

OK.

Feel better, Levine.

Thanks.

Good night.

You don't suppose she's got a sister?

Three brothers.

I can't get a break.

What's her mother like?

You all right?

Time will tell. Time will tell.

Listen, when you're, uh, when you're done with that,

put it back in the freezer.

I gotta eat that tomorrow night.

I finally got that pesky kid off to sleep.

-Holy shit! -What?

Look. Your whole backside's purple.

Holy shit, look at that.

I forgot to tell you I was part baboon.

My ass turns purple when I get aroused.

Uh oh.

Cirrhosis.

Cirrhosis.

Advanced cirrhosis.

There's a shock.

Mysterious internal hemorrhage.

OK. You know I gonna handle that.

Intestinal necrosis.

Now, I wasn't ready for that one.

What the hell is intestinal necrosis?

I'll go on record.

I have never mistreated my bowels.

Fuck, I need a drink.

So I said to the girl,

"Never sleep with a first time writer.

He doesn't have the advances to back up the advances."

Well, when it comes to attracting women,

you're something of an expert, aren't you, Hamilton?

You know my slogan: we dose, but never close.

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'll be right back.

Is this some kind of joke?

Actually, it's a snack.

I was hoping to have some lunch,

but uh, they wouldn't let me in.

Why wouldn't they?

Look at yourself.

You're disgusting!

Ryan, I'm sorry we're late,

but I couldn't get Dunleavy to move his ass.

I'm gonna bust my ass for a lousy bloody cup of tea?

Go on inside and I'll join you later, all right?

-Good seeing you. -Hey.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

This oughta be fun, the whole wax works is here.

Let's take a walk.

Ryan, I didn't invite you down here

to embarrass me in front of my friends.

I asked you because your mother wants to know

what you intend to do about your sister's wedding.

Tell her I'm getting my shotgun polished.

The ceremony is in two weeks

and she wants to know if you're going to attend.

She's actually inviting me?

Yes. Despite the spectacle you made at your brother's wedding.

Well, they said it was an open bar.

The point is that your mother very much wants you to do this.

It'd please her greatly.

There's $500 in there.

Get yourself a decent suit.

You're bribing me to go?

I'm asking you to go.

Well, we wouldn't wanna upset Mother, would we?

That would be your department.

Why didn't she ask me herself?

She's having one of her illnesses.

What happened? She run out of scotch?

Look who's talking.

You know, I just can't understand

how you can let yourself get into this condition.

Did you ever have writer's block?

No.

How about jock itch? Ever get jock itch?

Do you ever get anything that the rest of us fucking lowly humans get?

I can't talk to you when you're like this. Goodbye.

What do you mean "goodbye", what about lunch?

You're not getting any lunch.

I'm not getting any lunch?

What are you, sending me to my fucking room?

Try to get yourself together by the wedding.

-Two weeks! -Two weeks!

Absolutely true, we both wrote the names down on our napkin,

Hitler, Stalin, Walter Romelli.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to move along.

What a bunch of bullshit.

This is bullshit!

Everybody-everybody thinks that he's some

Harvard educated blue blood.

Do you know where he's from?

He's from Queens.

He's a shoe clerk from fucking Woodside Queens!

-Would you like me-- -Woodside!

Would you like me to call you a cab?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll call you a cab.

You're a yellow fucking cab, you piece of shit!

Sir, if you don't move along I'm going to call the police.

Go ahead, I don't give a shit.

I don't give a shit. Call 'em.

Call the fucking police!

It'll serve him right, the bastard.

Look, I just came here for lunch.

I want my lunch.

I just want fucking, just want lunch.

Fuck!

You go so long

thinking that you have all the time in the world.

And then one day you discover that you don't.

It was a transition I have to admit

that I made rather awkwardly.

It's funny how easily people dismiss you

when you're lying on the sidewalk.

It's as though, it's as though,

they aren't surprised to see you there.

Where's Tulley?

Not my turn to watch him.

Cut the crap.

He's what?

Three hours late?

So?

We have a lot of work to do around here.

If he shows up shitfaced, let's just say...

Shitfaced?

Is that anything like being a brown nose?

You keep joking, but your little playmate's going down

and if you keep protecting him, you're next.

-Hey, Levine. -Hey!

-Hi. -Where's your better half?

I don't know. He never showed up to work today.

Really? Did you call his place?

No.

You want a drink?

Let's call his place.

You've reached Tulley.

Friends of mine know better than to call me here.

The rest of you can all go to...

Well, I see you took my advice and cleaned up your message.

Uh, I'm down here at the bar with Natalie

and we are running off to Bora Bora

and we just wanted you to be the first to know.

Tulley?

Tulley, are you there?

Tulley? Are you screening?

Pick up.

Geoffrey.

Hi, Tulley.

Tulley?

Tulley?

We're all about to go home. Just about given up on you.

Hey.

How was Bora Bora?

Where were you?

What are you, my parole officer?

No.

I was just... I was worried.

Yeah, well, I'm touched.

Natalie was worried too.

She's coming by the bar tonight.

Fine.

You look awful.

Thank you. You know, you're not exactly giving Brad Pitt

a run for his money yourself.

How was lunch with your Dad?

It was fine.

He asked me how I was, he gave me advice,

he picked up the check,

he sent me home with a high priced hooker.

The usual.

Well...

How about I buy you a drink?

Vodka neat.

Uh, beer.

What kind?

I don't care. Whatever you got.

Since when do you drink beer?

Since when do you ask so many questions?

Sorry.

Jesus, Tulley.

What the hell have you been doin' to yourself? You look like shit.

Knock off the sweet talk, Kelly.

You're getting the same tip as always.

There you are.

You had us worried sick.

Where were you?

He's not telling.

Tulley, you look like shit.

Well, now it's unanimous

Vodka cranberry, please.

So, how was school, darling?

Don't ask. I got a promotion.

-Hey! -More work. Less fun.

All hail the new millennium.

Happy hour's over.

I hate that.

What?

-The bell. -"Ask not

for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee."

I'm gonna go.

Tulley. What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just gonna go.

Would you cut out the bullshit and tell me what's wrong?

Oh, you're sick of the bullshit already?

That didn't take long.

Goddamn it, Tulley, talk to me.

Honey! Must we fight in front of the kids?

Well, if this is the way you're gonna be, then you might as well go.

Yeah, fine. I'll give you a call.

You don't have my number.

Let me make it really simple for ya.

We had a great time. It's been fun.

And it's time to move on.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about me.

I don't wanna be your next project, OK?

If you need some way to fill in your time,

try fucking basket weaving, but leave me the fuck alone.

What the hell was that about?

Bastard.

She would be better off now, free of me.

And I'd be better off too.

Why on Earth would I want some love struck woman

weeping over me as I declined.

Right?

No, that's shit.

Tulley?

Tulley, open up.

I know you're in there.

Go away. Can't you read the welcome mat?

Get Lost.

Hello?

How did you get a key?

You gave it to me.

Well, give it back!

Why are you being so mysterious?

I'm not being mysterious, I'm being difficult.

I thought your specialty was satire, not melodrama.

Yeah, well, I can't do either

if I'm sitting here talking to you.

-Now, will ya take a hike? -Oh. I need a drink.

Yeah, well, there's a bar on every corner.

Can I get you something?

Yes, you can get lost!

What are you drinking?

Water.

Water?

Yes, water.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No, no, nothing.

I'm just surprised to find it within 10 feet of you.

I'll get you some more.

You still here?

Where is my water?

Did you drink all that booze in there?

No. I had help from some friends.

Bullshit. Other than me, you don't have any friends.

OK. I had help from some thirsty enemies.

Hey, I'm not leaving until I get an answer.

Did you drink all that booze?

No. I poured it down the drain, OK?

Ya happy now?

That's terrific, Tulley.

That's, that is a terrific first step.

Maybe you can quit.

I have quit.

Well, that's... I don't know what to say.

How about goodbye?

I think that is, this is the smartest thing you could do.

What the fuck is wrong with you, all right?

I don't want you here!

Get out or I'm gonna push you through the fucking keyhole!

-What are you getting so upset about? -This is none of your business!

And what is this, what were you doing in a hospital?

That's none of your fucking business.

Why were you poking through my shit?

-I'm your friend and I'm concerned about you. -Yes, you have no right.

- Fuck! -Tulley?

Hey, you all right?

Call an ambulance.

Operator? Operator, could you get me a-a hospital in Manhattan?

No, you moron, call 911!

Never mind.

Hang on.

Lying there I made a realization.

I realized that I would spend a large part

of the remainder of my life staring at the ceiling.

Throw it!

Natalie.

Levine.

What are you doing here?

I didn't go into work today.

I was playing hooky.

How is the asshole?

He's dying.

No, I'm-I'm serious, he's-he's dying.

What happened?

He collapsed.

Uh, his liver's shot.

Um, they took out a big chunk of his colon

and put in a colostomy bag, but uh, there's-

there's not much that they can do.

God!

Yeah.

Take it easy there, Pops.

Is that bag uncomfortable?

Yeah, but worse than that, it clashes with my shoes.

Excuse me.

It's good to be home. I have a lot of stuff to do.

Yeah, listen, before we go in,

there's something I got to tell you.

What, you want to carry me over the threshold?

No.

Natalie's inside.

Anything else?

She's making a pot roast.

After we eat, I'm gonna kill you.

Look what I found out by the curb.

A real fixer-upper.

Hello, Tulley.

Hi, Teach.

You look good.

Thanks.

Wish I could say the same.

Listen, I'm really sorry about being such a...

Jerk?

Asshole?

Pain in the ass?

Ah, take your pick.

Save your apologies.

I might owe you one after you taste my cooking.

Mmm.

So?

What do you think?

About what?

The food.

Oh, so this is food.

I've heard a lot about it.

Hey, it's hard to have an appetite

when you're wearing your waste outside your pants.

The doctors said you should have stayed in the hospital.

It'd be cheaper for me to stay at Club Med for a week.

I just...

I just need to rest, I just need to detox a little.

I'd say you need to detox a lot.

I need to finish my book.

How far along are you?

Not far enough.

You know, I think I need to lay down.

Here, let-let me get the dishes.

Just throw 'em out.

I don't use 'em that much.

Jesus, Tulley, you're soaking.

Oh! I'm taking these pills.

I don't know what they're for, but they're making my skin leak.

You shouldn't take pills

if you don't know what they're for.

Thank you for the advice, doctor.

Honey, don't.

What's it look like?

You don't have to do that.

I know.

But I also know if I don't,

you're gonna sleep in the damned things.

What's wrong with sleeping in your shoes?

Hemingway slept in his shoes.

-No, he didn't. -No?

Damn, another myth exploded.

Natalie?

Come here.

Come on, please, come here.

Please? Come here. Come on.

Come on!

-You OK?

Yeah. I just have to be careful how I twist around.

OK.

-This OK? -Mmm.

That's good.

You'll let me know if I hurt you?

-Oh, I will. -OK.

You know, I can't tell you how horny I've been.

Tulley, you do know how to sweet talk a girl, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I was in the hospital for three days,

I was completely immobilized.

I became totally sex-obsessed.

It's all those nurses.

Mmm. All those nurses.

In their little white starched uniforms?

The little white starched uniforms.

That was a torture.

Let's see if we can get you a little more relaxed.

Let's see if we can.

Ah. Ah.

-It's not good. -OK.

It's the incision, it's just...

Ah!

-OK.

I just, I can't do it.

OK. It's OK. It's OK.

This is so humiliating.

You're sick.

-It's not humiliating. -No, I just can't, you know.

It's OK.

Listen, why don't you give-give Levine a hand?

OK?

I need to catch my breath.

-OK. -OK.

How's he doing?

OK.

Still frisky.

Oh, that's a good sign.

You know, if his blood gets cleaned up enough,

they might be able to get him a new liver.

I feel kinda helpless.

I wanna do something, but I don't know what.

We just gotta watch him.

They told me that he'll have fatigue, day and night sweats,

bleeding, wounds that won't heal, hallucinations.

Why did he have to fuck himself up like that?

Fuck! Who am I kidding?

I sat right next to him... the whole time.

It was fun.

It was fun.

He could think of the most outrageous ways to waste time.

Go home, Levine. You're tired.

I'll stay here tonight.

A peculiar thing

about being slammed up against your mortality

is that it changes things.

Things, people, they all get turned upside down.

How's Tulley?

Not good.

When's he getting out of the hospital?

He's out. He's home.

What?

Yes, Mother, it's worse than a cold.

What do you mean?

Oh. Put it this way, remember that bike I wanted

when I was 10 years old?

Uh-hmm. Well, if you're ever gonna get it for me,

this would be the year.

Tulley?

Bonnie?

Ma, let me call you back.

My boss is here to yell at me.

Tulley!

How the hell did you get keys?

Levine gave me his set.

What the hell are you doing out of the hospital?

They didn't have the Playboy Channel.

Do you know that the company can't cover you

if you sit at home?

Fuck the company.

You have to be hospitalized.

I am not gonna die in some fucking hospital, OK?

Look. If you won't go back to the hospital,

maybe you can do some work at home.

I can't. I gotta finish my book.

If you do a little work at home,

I can put you on the books.

Do what you can and I'll go to bat for you, OK?

I'll look it over and make some revisions

and send it back with Levine.

That'll be fine.

Bonnie, do me a favor, will you?

What?

When I'm dead, will you throw my ashes in Scott's face?

He's really not that bad, Tulley.

He came with me today.

Really?

Where's he hiding, in your bra?

He's downstairs.

He felt a little uncomfortable about coming up.

Really?

No sir, it's pretty obvious the guy can't hack it anymore.

You know, it's time to go to a younger team.

Tulley?

Tulley, what are you doing?

There you are.

So sweet and unsuspecting.

Tulley.

No sir, you're absolutely right.

Oh, my God!

Bombs away!

That's the bottom line.

Yes!

Is that shit?

Is that shit? Is that shit?

Anything else?

No. I have to get back to the office.

I'm putting a spot on for B&G.

I'm gonna be premiering it at the meeting.

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm missing that.

Tulley?

Uh-huh?

Take care.

Because Tulley has taken ill,

I am temporarily putting Scott

in charge of the B&G presentation.

So, please afford him all the respect

that you would any senior copywriter.

Thank you.

Great.

People, um, I know that I speak for Bonnie when ah,

when I say that we got a good team here.

A strong team.

A young team.

So, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here to help.

My door is always open

for any and all questions that you may have.

OK?

I have a question.

What happened to your pants?

All right then.

Let's get back to work.

The big presentation is in 15 days.

Writing is always a challenging discipline.

Writing with the DT's...

well, it's more challenging.

Of course, I did find something that helped.

Ricky! I'm home!

Tulley?

Hey, there you are.

You hungry?

-No, thanks. -I got Chinese.

OK.

So you actually like your job? Adding numbers all day?

Yeah, it's not so bad. The money's pretty good.

It's not what I plan on doing for the rest of my life.

-What do you want to do? -I'd like to write.

I'd like to write and actually get paid for it.

And get a house.

Maybe a family.

I heard you were almost married.

Yeah. Almost.

What happened?

I had her killed.

Seriously. What happened?

I don't know.

Didn't work out.

You ever been married?

No. Not even close.

I have had hundreds of kids though.

Really?

You've managed to keep your girlish figure.

Yeah, right.

Dammit, Ryan, this is nonsense. Let me in.

You know, I'm sorry, it just,

it just doesn't ring a bell.

What seems to be the trouble?

My son. He's a lunatic!

Are you-are you Tulley's father?

Unfortunately yeah. Who are you?

We're friends of his.

You have my sympathy.

Ryan! You gonna let me in or not?

You gotta help me out.

You gotta, you gotta help me place this.

Um, where did you say we met?

Tulley, it's us. Knock it off.

Levine, come on, you're spoiling everything.

I almost got rid of him.

Let me take these up.

-Oh, thanks. -I'll see if I can talk to him.

It was nice to meet you, Mr. Tulley.

If you don't mind my asking, sir,

is there-is there anything I can do?

I'm just trying to get in to see my son.

When I do I'm going to wring his miserable neck.

Oh?

I gave him 500 bucks

to get a suit to go to his sister's wedding.

And he took it. And never showed up.

Then he phoned his mother and upset her even more

with some twaddle about being bed ridden.

Well, he is very ill, sir.

He won't let me see him.

Makes me stand out here playing games.

As a matter of fact,

we're waiting for a call from the hospital.

What was that?

Uh. You know, I'll bet he would see you if-

if you'd come back some other day.

What, and let him treat me like this again?

No, thank you.

I just came over here to give him this.

What, uh...

More money.

Money he extorted from his mother with his lies.

He's not lying, sir. He-he really is very ill.

Do me a favor, will you?

See if he can put this money to some good use.

I'm afraid he'll just drink it up

like he did all the rest.

-Lean in, sweetie. -Hello, Mrs. Tulley.

I don't believe we've ever had the pleasure.

You still haven't.

♪ Those girls, you could be them ♪

♪ But you know that you'd be good ♪

Have you been bad boys?

I mean really bad boys?

If you're a low life piece of scum

who's in need of some serious straightening out,

call me

at 555-01BAD.

That's right.

555-01BAD,

and ask for me, Rachel.

I'll personally spank you very much. Ha!

Are you the heathen dog who wants to party?

Yes, but it, it's not for me.

It's for a friend.

That's original.

Really. It's a surprise.

Here.

I want the best time that 400 bucks can buy.

For him.

I'll take good care of him.

What's he into?

Uh, everything.

The wilder the better.

OK? Uh, now, they told me that you have some kind of a camera.

Sure. Does he want it taped?

No.

I do.

For an extra 100 I want to see the whole thing on tape.

OK?

Hi. Sorry I'm late. How is he?

Not too good.

He had a rough night.

-Oh. -I'm glad you're here.

I have some good news. I spoke to his doctor,

he's being put on the eligibility list

for a transplant.

Oh, that's great.

I gotta run.

Oh, try and see if you can make him eat something.

-OK. -And watch him.

I found him with a bottle yesterday.

Call me if you need any help.

I will. Bye. Go.

OK.

Bye-bye.

And so my friends were lending a hand.

The fact is though,

sometimes their helping wasn't actually helping.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

This lead to some occasional discomfort.

Thank you all for coming.

I've brought you together today

to premiere our newest commercial spot.

I think it's fabulous.

And I hope you enjoy it.

Rachel?

Uh. Where are ya?

Yeah, I'll be right there, you piece of scum. Just shut up!

I really got to go to work tomorrow.

I don't care about your work, you, piece of ass.

You, bad boy. Bad boy.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no. This is all some kind of set up.

I... somebody switched the tapes.

This is not my ass. Bonnie, I, uh...

This is obviously some kind of a, uh...

Whoo-hoo.

Bonnie, you have to understand. I had nothing to do with this.

I did not have sex with that woman.

It is not my fault.

Tulley?

Tulley!

I have avenged thee, sire.

You awake?

You will not believe what I have here.

I'll look at it later.

Sure. You OK?

What's the matter? You hungry?

No. I had some soup before.

You wanna play some cards, board games?

Would you grab that, by the computer?

What? This?

"Happy Hour".

-Is this your book? -Yes.

- This is your book? -Yes.

Oh, my God! This is your book!

Could you stop yelling?

-You finished it! -Almost.

I have, uh... one more chapter left.

Damn!

Yeah, it's amazing how knowing

you're gonna croak motivates you.

Do me a favor, will you, and um... read it.

"Tuesday. Once again I find myself sitting at the bar.

My bar in the middle of the city,

in the middle of the world."

-Levine? -This.

Hmm?

I wrote it.

I know how it goes.

Right.

The reason I want you to read it

is because I want you to, uh, write the death scene.

Oh, I...

I can't-I can't do that.

-I'm-I'm. -Yes, you can.

No. No, I can't.

-Yes, you can. -No, listen, I'm...

I've read your stuff. You can do it.

-I'm-I'm. -I've talked to my editor.

She's expecting it in a couple of weeks.

Come on, I've had one foot in the grave for years.

Get out of here, go on, no cry babies.

Go on, beat it.

Yeah, I'll let you get some sleep.

Oh, buck up, it ain't that bad.

Go get laid.

What's this?

My letter of resignation.

You can't quit on me.

If you're worried about yesterday, please.

No, it's not that. I just...

I-I can't stay here anymore.

Why not?

I think if I do, then I'll just be miserable

and the last thing you need

is another drunken malcontent on your hands.

I guess you're right. One was enough.

Yeah.

I think I just...

I need to-to move on.

Well, I'm not gonna let you do it.

If you quit, you'll only be hurting yourself,

but if I fire you, you'll get two weeks severance

and be eligible for unemployment.

How does that sound?

You're all heart, Bonnie.

Don't let it get around.

Consider yourself fired!

Thank you.

Good afternoon.

What time is it?

Two o'clock.

Why aren't you at work?

It's Sunday.

Must have lost my bearings.

I'm not surprised, you've been asleep for three days.

Can I get you anything?

I'd love to have some sex,

but uh, I don't think I'm up to it.

You know what I tell parents of kids like you?

What?

I tell them little Tulley's not working

up to his potential.

Encouragement.

That's the key.

Where have you been my whole life?

Three blocks away.

Waiting to meet you.

Do you know what I'm gonna give you?

Massage with a special finish?

-No. -Yes.

A bath.

But if you're good and wash behind your ears

we can talk about that after.

Oh!

OK.

I'll wash.

What're you kids up to?

Bath time. Wanna watch?

Yours or his?

Mine.

I'll pass.

You know?

Wasn't long ago she couldn't wait to get me in the shower.

You want her? You can have her in the will.

Don't I get a say in this?

No!

Such a sexy man.

Why can't I have a sponge bath?

Because sponge baths are for invalids.

And your point is?

You're not an invalid, Tulley.

Can you lift yourself up a little?

You can sit back down as soon as I get your pants.

Aha!

Now I've got you exactly where I want you.

You're all talk, mister.

-Huh? -I'm on to you.

-I'm all talk, am I? -Um-hmm.

Move back, lady.

OK. What for?

Well, I'm not sure how big this thing gets anymore.

I don't wanna hurt you.

Oh, my Lord!

Will ya look at that?

Oh, my God!

You're laughing. What are you laughing at?

I'm not, sweetie, I'm sorry.

- What are you laughing at? -I'm not laughing at you.

Come here. Come here.

Come on.

-You sure? -Um-hmm.

Yeah, I'm sure.

You OK?

Don't break it.

Tell me if it's too much, OK?

Yeah.

Listen, at the risk of sounding unromantic,

we have to watch out for the bag.

I don't wanna knock it.

OK.

Here.

Better.

OK.

Is that better?

-Yes. -OK.

I'm happy to help.

I'm happy you're helping.

That night I had the most wonderful peaceful sleep.

I dreamt I was rising over the city.

I dreamt I was flying through the air.

I was going somewhere.

Was it Queens?

Was it Jersey?

♪ Down there ♪

I didn't know.

♪ Out there ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

But as I saw the city spread out before me...

I realized...

I was returning to where I had begun.

Tulley?

Levine?

Can you come in here?

No!

Don't do this yet.

And in the end,

what could be said but that it was finished?

The great clattering train seen approaching from miles away

had finally pulled into the station.

Silent, as day break.

Silent, as day break.

That's not bad, Levine, but you know what?

I think it oughta be somethin' more about you guys,

you know, like, uh...

And since they hadn't croaked they went on.

You know? Like that.

♪ It's not that I don't see the way you see me ♪

♪ It's not that I don't catch your longing gaze ♪

♪ It's just that I'm waiting for your first move ♪

-Hey. -Hey.

Hi.

Welcome.

Thanks.

How are you?

Not bad.

You look good.

Well, thanks.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

I'm OK.

♪ I'd walk right up to you ♪

It feels weird seeing you without him.

Yeah.

I'm gonna take a sabbatical.

Look for another job.

Really?

Maybe move.

I bought you this.

I didn't get you a thing.

Here's to you.

♪ Don't catch my longing gaze ♪

♪ Just that you're waiting ♪

What's wrong?

I've kind of lost my taste for alcohol.

Really?

Me too.

Here you go, Danny.

It's Happy Hour!

Hey!

He would have enjoyed your doing that.

Doing what?

What'd I do?

Hey, do I know you?

Stop that!

You know, for a-for a little whisk of a thing

you pack a mean wallop.

Luckily, I like that.

Well, we gotta do this again sometime.

-Yeah. -Hmm?

We can meet for coffee or something.

Yes. Coffee.

OK.

This is um...

-Well. -Well.

I guess...

It was really great seeing you.

Good to see you too.

Bye-bye.

Hey, Levine!

What?

I'm pregnant.

That bastard.

♪ La la ta la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la ta la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ La la ta la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la ta ♪

You know? It does not get any better than this.

Yes. It's true PBS and the Cartoon Network.

Rumor had it that you dropped a bag of shit on Scott.

Near him. Not on him.

You know? You really should not piss him off.

It was a gesture of friendship, you know?

In some cultures we'd be considered engaged.

Besides...

you and Natalie take my shit just fine.

Well, that's because we're saints.

Maybe.

♪ Listing on queasy time ♪

♪ The ferryman sees a lady ♪

♪ Mid gusts and moans from tougher men ♪

♪ I puff on my menthylator ♪

♪ Upon the sea, the tall, dark fellow ♪

♪ Nods at us with a shady grin ♪

♪ And waves to show familiar days are yonder ♪

♪ And sailing on we lift our mates ashore to ponder ♪

Hmm.

♪ Summer days and nightly graves and hollow groves ♪

♪ Waltzing round the hallowed ground ♪

♪ And will we still be here tomorrow ♪

♪ Weathered news with pageant shoes ♪

♪ Still lovely ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

♪ Telescope, search my heart ♪

♪ Locate my dark, wicked ways ♪

♪ Don't wanna be rude ♪

♪ I must interrupt ♪

♪ Growing tired of this nasty parade ♪

♪ But ghosts at the cleaners ♪

♪ I gotta go back ♪

♪ I left my own mother in an empty shack ♪

♪ Shine a different light on me ♪

♪ Could you shine a borrowed light on me ♪

Good morning, Mr. Goner.

Have a pleasant stay.

Sit you down, Father.

Rest.

-♪ Shine ♪ -♪ I'm sailing on the waves ♪

♪ Trying to get back to you ♪

Serviceable villain.

♪ I'm flying on the waves to you ♪

So I said to 'em...

♪ Shooting stars and gipsy cars ♪

-♪ And marzipan ♪ -...baby seal.

You really said that?

♪ Tux and tails, Parisian snails ♪

♪ And can we come back here tomorrow? ♪

♪ Famous songs and wild frogs ♪

♪ Still laughing, ha ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light for me ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

No, it was Frank. I remember that.

-I guess it was Frank. -What? No.

-Frank wasn't blind. -There's a second one?

Plain blonde.

He died, oh, of course he died too.

-It was before her? -Yeah.

-Really? -Well, he died

-in this chair. -You wanna kiss me?

-Yeah. -♪ Shine a borrowed light ♪

-♪ On me ♪ -You really said that?

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

It's a major situation.

♪ Shine ♪

-♪ On me ♪ -Rest you.