All language subtitles for The.Trip.To.Greece.2020.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO-HI

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(BIRDS CHIRPING)

ROB: Sing goddess,
Achilles' rage.

Black and murderous,

that cost the Greeks
incalculable pain.

Pitched, countless souls
of heroes into Hades' dark,

left their bodies to rot

as corpses for dogs and birds.

Did you learn that last night?

(SIGHS)

There's not a lot
here is there really?

when you think about it?

STEVE: No, it's
not, no other film.

It is all sandy
beaches, isn't it?

Greeks were camped
here, for 10 years.

- Too long, is it?
- Too long through as a camp.

I can do a week, tops.

In the Lake District.

Yeah, with a pillow.

I won't camp without a pillow.

(SOFT CLASSIC MUSIC)

STEVE: I had a
bad dream last night.

ROB: Was it a portent?

STEVE: I don't
know, it was bad.

ROB: I had a poor tent
once and no groundsheet.

Stick your head out more.

Find your light.

That's it, do an a-ha.

A-ha!

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Got it.

(CLASSIC PIANO MUSIC)

(CHIRPING BIRDS)

Cheers!

STEVE: Cheers!

ROB: Here's to an
enjoyable excursion.

Yeah.

Bellissimo.

Mm-hmm.

It's very odd, isn't it?

To start,

a trip to Greece in Turkey?

It's The Observer's idea

to retrace the steps of
Odysseus, in the "Odyssey".

So, that's what we're doing.

10-year odyssey
in six days, I mean,

it's ambitious Steve.

It might sound ambitious
but if you think of

"Ulysses" by James Joyce.

Thanks for telling me the
author, I'd never have known.

I'm just putting the
information out there

in case you don't.

I don't want, you know.

That's like me saying,
"Harry Potter" by J.K. Rowling.

I wouldn't put "Harry
Potter" and "Ulysses"

in the same camp, apart
from they're both books.

"Harry Potter" has
sold truckloads of books.

Yeah, but the thing is,
I don't measure success

by units sold.

- I measure success...
- You're always telling me

the figures for your TV shows.

Yes, but it's not, it's just...

And the consolidated
ones at that.

- Yes.
- 'cause the actual time

of viewing aren't impressive,

but you do tell me the
consolidated figures.

It's nice to be liked,
but you shouldn't go out

there trying to be liked.

(CROCKERY CLANKING)
(EXTRACTOR FAN HISSING)

(SIZZLING)

If you think that we
have been doing these,

trips for nearly 10 years,

then, I suppose
in a macro sense,

we've been on this odyssey
for 10 years, yeah?

Is it 10 years?

Yeah, it is.

Since the Lakes.

Richard Gere there.

Just looking off.

Yeah, lovely.

Yeah and you're looking
more like him as well.

That's good.

No, I wasn't being
serious, I was joking.

- Oh.
- You look nothing like him.

(LAUGHS)

My god, you lap that
compliment up, didn't you?

Look at that.

Well, it's not unreasonable.

I'm not, I mean, I'm wearing
my years reasonably well.

Yeah, but in no way do
you resemble Richard Gere.

STEVE: Okay, I
don't resemble...

You look like a
great Steve Coogan

'cause you're looking...

and I'm happy with that.

- You watched...
- You look like Richard Gere.

I look better as I get older.

- Lots of woman say that.
- Yes, you do.

Well, even man is gonna say.

That's all I'm saying,
you look better older.

Oh, thank you.

You were unpalatable
as a young man.

(MACHINE WHIRS)

What's this?

If I'm not mistaken,
it's a Penguin Classic.

And it's by Aristotle.

I know Ari, yeah.

I know all the Stotles.

"Poetics", listen to this,

"epic poetry and the
composition of tragedy

as well as comedy,

and the arts of poetry and
music are all imitations.

Imitation comes naturally
to human beings.

And so does the universal
pleasure in imitation."

Not my words, the
words of Aristotle.

(SIZZLING)

So much of art and
acting is imitation.

But no, you did a
fantastic imitation,

of Stan Laurel

and Stan and Ollie,
it was superb.

I'm not sure it's an
imitation, that's the thing.

I watched it on
a BAFTA screener.

I only paused it three
times to go to the kitchen.

And that in our
house, that's good.

Okay, well, yeah, but...

- You had this.
- Yeah.

Had the pose.

- You know the pose?
- hmm.

- You did that beautifully.
- I certainly did.

Now, why don't you just stop
sitting there and help me.

Well, I'd try but I don't
know what you want me to do.

Stan Laurel and Tom Hardy.

Why don't you just
stand up and help me

instead of sitting there.

I can't hear what
you're saying, Tom.

You're always
mumbling your lines.

Hmm.

(MACHINES WHIRRING)

Here you go.

Thank you very much,
lovely, really nice.

We're being, bitten.

This doesn't help that
we're under a tree.

Insects love to be under trees.

- Do you know why?
- I went out

- on my land recently.
- Yeah.

- That's to sit under a tree.
- 36 acres, isn't it?

38 and I went to sit
under a tree just to...

To think.

- Well, no, no.
- Just to think.

No, no, to read
the book, actually.

I put a blanket down
just cause this tree.

And I sat under it and
then I start to read.

Then loads of flies started
hovering over my head.

That would happen, yeah.

So, I just got up and
just went back in the house.

(A FLY BUZZES)

I had this idea that...

Steve Coogan, ladies and
gentlemen wonderful stories from

Steve and maybe more from him.
(LAUGHING)

At the same time next week.

You must do that one about
the flies under the tree.

I mean, it's wonderful stuff.

Freddie said he saw you at
Lord's Taverners doing that

and "had the room in
the palm of his hand."

That's what he said.

Wonderful story.

The new Ustinov,

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Steve Coogan.

Hear that story Steve's telling.

No, what is it?

Oh, is at the house.

You know the house
in Sussex, yeah?

Well, he took a book out.

No go on.
(LAUGHS)

He wanted to read, but he
went out, took 38 acres.

Yes, he finds a tree,

puts a blanket down.

Oh, it's idyllic.

And flies gather above his head.

He went back in the house.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I mean, he's oh, god.

God, and some people say
he's just Alan Partridge.

He's not.

There's all other sides to him.

Sir, sir, your main courses.

Oh lovely, they're nice.

Thank you.

Lamb chops.

Chops, chop chop.

It mint sauce.

Looks lovely.

Enjoy monsieur.

STEVE: That's lovely,
thank you very much.

You like lamb, don't you?

I do, I love lamb.

Lamb is very good because
it doesn't lend itself

to intensive farming.

So, if you can't make
an organic choice.

Lambs are safe bet.

(MACHINES WHIRRING)
(WOMAN MUMBLES)

My publisher wants me to
use the Odyssey as a peg,

on which to hang my Odyssey
through life of the media.

Isn't that what you wrote
when you were in Spain?

A version of that, yeah.

But it was successful.

So, they want to sort of
a variation on the theme.

I do think you get
older, it's inevitable.

Don't repeat yourself.

This is the fourth time
we've been on one of these

little jaunt.

Originality is overrated,

because everything's
derivative of something.

The greatest poem of the
Roman Empire was a ripoff

of the Odyssey.

Which one?

- The Aeneid.
- Huh.

Whereas the Odyssey is
about Odysseus fleeing

Troy to go home.

The Aeneid is about a
Trojan fleeing the city

with his father and his son.

- Escape...
- What happened to his wife?

Just lost her along the way.

Shit happens.

- But on the plus side,
- yeah.

He went on to found Rome, so
lose a wife found an empire.

(CUTLERY CLANGING)

This is like a kind
of an interrogation.

- (ROB LAUGHS)
- Sitting like this.

(ROB CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Your dessert, sir.

Thank you.

(MUMBLES) it's
black (MUMBLES) sauce.

Thank you very much.

Could we have the bill please?

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you very much.

If it wasn't interrogation,
this would be very,

this would be the nice part
before the nasty, wouldn't it?

Let's have some dessert.

We wanna make this as
pleasant as possible.

So...

Oh, great, yeah, what
do you want to know?

Lovely combination
of textures.

This is not...
(PHONE RINGS)

This is not too light.

- But it's light.
- Hello.

Hi, Steve, hi.

Just calling to check
if everything's okay.

Everything is wonderful.

- I'm here with Rob Brydon.
- Hello.

But apart from that,
everything's wonderful.

Hi, Rob, how are you doing?

All is well.

He's not gone missing,
I'm keeping an eye on him.

What do you mean?

What is she talking about?

Morocco, she was very worried
when you went off the grid.

Yeah.

She even had to call the
authorities, all the newspapers,

"British Comic Goes Missing."

The British actor.

British actor, writer and
producer goes missing.

British actor goes missing.

Friends say, "We had no
idea the mental turmoil

he was under."

We spoke to his close
friend, Rob Brydon.

Well, I must say,

Rob, his associate.

I spoke to his dear
confidant, Rob Brydon,

He's sometime,

- collaborator.
- We spoke to popular

entertainer, Rob Brydon...

light entertainer.

We spoke to popular light
entertainer and confidant

of troubled, star Rob Brydon...

Troubled TV funny man.

Says, I have no idea
Steve was suffering

the way he was.

We didn't know he was
suffering but then we realised

he'd spent six days with Rob
Brydon and things start to fall

into place then.

We think, this might
be a cry for help.

Sorry, I've got to go.

I just wanted to
let you know that

your boat is gonna be
leaving Assos at 2:30

so if you're going to Assos
is where the boat is, okay?

And your Ranger Rover (MUMBLES)

We get our asses
in the boat, when?

Wonderful, looking
forward to it (MUMBLES).

Bye, all right, see you.

Did you understand
any of that?

Yeah, Range Rover
waiting for us at Lesbos.

(SUSPENSE MUSIC
AND BIRDS CHIRPING)

ROB: This is what
UNESCO says about Assos;

"In antiquity, it's
hilltop location made Assos

an easily defensible port city.

The oldest direct
temple of Asia Minor;

the Temple of Athena at Assos,

is located on the top
of the acropolis."

That's Lesbos, the border
between Asia and Europe.

It's close, isn't it?

Yeah.

I can swim there.

You could not.

Something like Byron
swimming the Hellespont

from Asia to Europe in Istanbul.

That's why all the
refugees come this way,

because it's so easy.

They don't swim it,
they do it in boats.

Yeah very little boats.

Byron said, of all the
things that he's achieved

swimming the Hellespont
was the thing

that made him the most proud.

Fair enough.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
What would you say,

was the thing you're
most proud of?

STEVE: My seven BAFTAs.

ROB: For me,
it'd be my children.

STEVE: Yeah, 'cause I
haven't got any BAFTAs.

ROB: But, you
have got children?

Which is, interesting.

Williams, as some of
the men are not happy,

there are rumblings.

Oh there are
rumblings, are there?

You tell the men that
we were sailing around

the Cape of Good Hope.

and we'll sail round the horn.

I think if the
weather was this nice,

they would have been
a lot more relaxed.

They're loving it, Bill.

They really are.

Well, thank you
very much, Fletcher.

You don't mind if I call
you Fletcher, do you?

ROB: Call me
Fletcher if you like.

STEVE: Thank you very
much, I'll call you Fletch.

ROB: Can I call you Bill?

STEVE: Yeah of
course you can (MURMURS)

ROB: Not Fletch?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

(MAN SHOUTS AT A DISTANCE)

(LAUGHS)

He said a-ha.

What's that?

A-ha!

A-ha! (LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE SPEAKING FAINTLY)

You've had a huge drive then.

Yeah, it's a monster really.

So, you're flying back now.

- Yeah.
- Is this Steve?

Here are the keys.

Oh my God.

Thank you.

Yeah, enjoy.

Full tank?

Tank is full and it's hybrid.

So, you've got the...

Steve?

STEVE: That's enough.

That's all, thanks.

All right, good.

Safe flight, cheers, bye-bye.

Steve, how are you?

This is Kareem.

Do you remember me?

We worked together in Mykonos.

I played the refugees
in the beach.

Okay.

KAREEM: Do you remember me?

- Refugee?
- KAREEM: Yes.

- How are you.
- I am Kareem, how are you?

Hi, very good.

It's really good to see you.

Hi, Rob.

- Rob?
- That's Rob, yeah.

Nice to meet you, I'm Kareem.

What are you doing here?

Well, it's not a holiday.

We're actually working with
the retracing the steps

of Odysseus, going
from Troy to Ithaca.

What about you?

Are you still with refugees?

I'm working with
the refugees, still.

The refugees, still here?

Yes, thousands of refugees.

- Thousands?
- Yes, you know,

maybe I need the lift.

Maybe it could be so good
for you to come and see.

It's very good for your Odyssey.

ROB: I'm sitting now.

Yes.

I would love to
but we've got a..

Where are we gonna go next?

ROB: We've got a...

You know what?

We're not so busy.

We can spare enough
time to drop him off.

That's what this is all about.

We'll talk in the car.

It'd be good for Rob
to see a refugee camp.

So you're going to
see the refugee camp.

It'd be good for me
to see the refugee camp.

- Thank you guys for the lift.
- Thanks Steve.

No worries.

KAREEM: It's really
nice car, Steve.

Thanks, it's not mine.

- It was loaned to me for this
- Us

thing we're doing to...

Was a us.

I mean, it's a hybrid,
so, it's half electric.

So, it kind of cushions
the impacts that a

monster gas guzzler
like this normally...

That's important
to you, isn't it?

That's important.

- We'll it is, yeah.
- Probably the

environmental thing.

- But...
- Steve has nine cars, Kareem.

Nine car?

- Yeah, nine cars.
- Oh, so good man.

- That's irrelevant.
- How many of them

are electric?

I have an electric car.

- Yeah.
- We're writing an article.

I'm writing an article.

I'm writing an article,

Well, Rob is and...
(KAREEM CHUCKLES)

Steve doesn't have
time to actually

- write it.
- I do.

I've go a lot of
weighty thoughts.

STEVE: Well, I do write.

But he services
cars, I mean that takes

- a lot of his time.
- I do.

Anyhow, so what's been going on?

What are you up
to at the moment?

I'm here now set
up a cultural event.

It's a musical and dance.

Really?

We do some music
courses, music therapy.

I dance and I do some teaching.

- Great.
- Fantastic.

KAREEM: Some community
building inclusion.

Great.

KAREEM: Here we are.

This is a small city.

Gosh.

So, what's this barbed wire for?

It looks like a prison camp.

Is that to stop people getting
in or stop them getting out?

KAREEM: Policy of this
camp is really breezy.

It's a lot more established
than I would have expected.

ROB: Really,
nice to meet you.

STEVE: Good luck
with everything.

Hope it all works out.

Oh, Steve, thank
you very much.

Okay, thank you.

I'm coming to Britain.

I hope I'll see you there.

STEVE: Have
you got my emails?

Yes, I will contact
you, thank you.

Do the turning here.

I will go inside.

Well, that was sobering.

Imagine living in that for
years and years and years.

Well, it's just like the
Greek's camps outside Troy.

Best part of 10 years.

Too long.

I've said it before,
I'll say it again.

That's too long for camping.

Nice guy.

STEVE: Yes, well,
he's a very nice bloke.

I mean, I know him.

We worked together
last year on a film.

He said.

He played a sort of
version of himself.

You didn't remember
him, did you?

What?

Of course I remembered him.

I worked with him for
a month, at least.

So, of course I remembered him.

Maybe not at first but
eventually, yeah, like yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

What's his name?

What's his name?

STEVE: What are you testing?

Why you asking,
"what's his name?

What's his name?"

ROB: I'm not testing you,
I'm just interested to see,

what's his name?

Khalid

(CHUCKLE)
It's Kareem.

Okay, so I got the
first syllable, right?

Oh, well done.

STEVE: You know where
the word lesbian comes from?

Yes, it was from the
island, from Lesbos.

Sappho was the priestess
who wrote erotic poetry

to all these women she
loved and was obsessed with.

And she was the most
celebrated poet.

It's not, lesbian but the
most celebrated person

in ancient Greece.

And she was a woman
and she was a lesbian.

It's a shame we
get in the ferry.

I would like to stay
in the Hotel Lesbian,

as I'm sure you would.

I think (LAUGHS).

Come on Mr. Bond, do you like
staying in the Hotel Lesbian,

just as much as I do?

(SNORTS)

If I can get my head
down and the lesbian.

I'm more than happy.

Welcome to the Hotel Lesbian.

You can check out anytime
you like, but you can

- never leave.
- STEVE: Never leave.

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

♪ Sailing.

♪ I am sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Across the sea

(CLEARING OF THROAT)

♪ I am sailing

♪ stormy waters

♪ to be near you,

♪ to be free.

How do you know Australia?

There was a 25 year old girl
on the crew, who'd never heard

of Rod Stewart.

Never heard those two
words in that order.

So, when I used to got out
with the girl I used to say,

remember this?

Remember that?

And I just go, "When I was
young we used to do this."

Stagira is the
birthplace of Aristotle.

Stagira was besieged
and destroyed in 348 BC

by Philip of Macedonia.

The inhabitants were enslaved,
later Philip rebuilt the city

has a reward for
Aristotle being tutored

to his son Alexander.

How much further is it?

It's just around, it's
just the top of this road.

A stone in my sandal again.

Come on.

What do you mean come on?

Well, this is it.

This is the shrine
to Aristotle...

Well, they imported
his ashes back here

especially to leave them here
as, this is his hometown.

It's not a lot
to look at, is it?

I can see why they don't charge.

Maybe uproar.

Lego land cost a fortune but
you get a lot for your money.

Do you think there'll
be a memorial to you?

STEVE: I don't
believe in monuments.

ROB: Just something
modest in Manchester.

STEVE: Yeah.

(COOKS MUMBLING)

I didn't picture
Macedonia like this.

I imagined it to
be quite rugged.

I didn't think it would
be verdant and soft.

I know.

- Excuse me.
- Our starter, sir.

Thank you.

- Oh.
- As a starter,

we have the mussels on
smoked pine needles,

with Parmesan cheese, green
asparagus, a little bit

of citrus and espresso
powder, enjoy.

Thank you, Mr. Tim.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Thank you.

Espresso powder dust.

That's an ingredient
I wasn't expecting

but it's also
piqued my curiosity.

It's a little,

hmm,

well, that's,

That's complex.

That is absolutely divine.

(DISHES CLANGING, SIZZLING)

People talk about Alexander the
Great while overlook all the

psychotic tendencies he had.

With his mother he conspires
to kill his father.

And then after that
went on a killing spree,

rounding up all his half
siblings and cousins

who might have a legitimate
claim to the throne

and just ruthlessly and
horribly murdered them.

He was a gangster, an
old-fashioned gangster.

We call him
Alexander the Great.

On common ground (MURMURS)
is just a gangster.

I'm gonna commit
atrocious crimes.

I'm doing Marlon Brando.

Good, I'm glad
you flagged that up.

Commit atrocious crimes,
I'm gonna behave despicably.

You need to make a mark,

get out of my way, when
you speak like that.

You talk like that
doesn't (MUMBLES)

What are you
doing, let me hear?

He speaks like he
has, his cheeks were

full of cotton balls

Well, but they were
full of cotton balls

I know.

But they weren't full of
those things that dentists use

- to syphon the...
- Dental swab.

They don't use them
anymore for some reason.

- They don't need them.
- I don't know why.

Because dentistry
has advanced.

Dentistry has advanced.

We've made a lot of
great strides in dentistry.

I know what that is.

You know, dentistry has
advanced quite a lot actually.

That's, you know what?

I like to hire you
Aristotle to educate my son.

I like you to teach him
a lot about philosophy.

I'm very flattered by
the offer but I must say

I'm finding it very hard
to forget what you did

just a year ago, which
was a smashing sport.

Well, you know what?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you don't teach my son, I
rip the head off, shit down

your goddamn fucking neck,
you stupid dick sucking

motherfucking asshole, okay?

But it's essentially
being a gangster.

I bet if you stayed in
London, could be Ray Winston.

If you're going to be teaching
my boy, Aristotle, right?

I don't want some airy-fairy
nonce coming here, what...

Thank you, lovely.

- Hello.
- Very nice.

Wonderful,
compliments to the chef.

I will certainly.

Mr. Seven.

Is that your Christian name?

- Yes, it is.
- Yeah, good.

Mr. Steve, Mr. Rob.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello (LAUGHS)

He won't know
who Basil Brush is.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Now you listen to me.

I wanna make sure it's not
just airy-fairy thinking.

It's not a great Ray Winston,
I lost a part to him you know.

What's that?

- Seriously we-
- Why would you?

I went, that's what I thought.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

I saw Henry VIII,
which I thought was,

I mean, he's a great actor,
but I thought that was odd.

he gave him the Cockney
accent, didn't he?

Yeah, it was Henry the Eighth

with a Cockney accent.

He's like 'I really
fancy that Anne Boleyn,

but I got this old trout on
me back... Catherine of Aragon

don't know what to do about it.

Sire.

Thinking to get in
her, I want to bag her,

I want to bed her.

- Sire, might I interrupt?
- I'm gonna do her.

Your new palace, Hampton
Court, is ready sir.

We've had the jacuzzi put in.

Would you like to inspect it?

Fucking Pope said I can't
get a fucking divorce.

I'm saying what about if
I say, well I'm in charge,

I'm the head of the
church, how about that?

What do you think about that?

How about I went round all
your monasteries and fucking

knock this shit out of them?

I mean every single fucking one.

So, I'll fucking
level all of them.

How about that Mr. Fucking Pope?

Your Royal Highness, Anne
Boleyn is waiting for you in the

anti chamber Your
Royal Highness.

Should I bring her through?

Yeah, tell her
I've a real boner.

I'm pleased to hear
that Your Royal Highness.

Might I say your one's
Royal boner is looking

particularly majestic
this morning.

Yeah, I really like her.

Say, semi-chamber or
whatever you call it.

Is sire you're
speaking euphemistically?

Why are you
talking like a nonce?

Because I'm
terrified of you sir.

I'm not a nonce.

I'm not an nonce, sir.

I'm not a nonce.

This is a rumour that has
been put around the court

- by Cromwell.
- All right, whatever.

Well you know Anne Boleyn.

She's not, she likes you sir.

She messes me around.

I'll chop her fucking head off.

Literally chop her
fucking head off.

She dicks me about, I'll get
a swordsman over from France.

Oh Sire.

She can kneel down
(MUMBLES) across her.

That speaks so clearly
of Sire's class, sir.

To chop off my lady's
head with the swordsman.

(MUMBLES)

Hello.

I don't like seeing
my chin in this, dome.

- Thank you.
- Dessert, gentlemen.

We have the almond crumble
with yuzu cream fresh citrus

and blood orange on
top of that, enjoy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

(MUMBLING)

Who would you be if
you could be a Greek god?

Which God would you be?

I have been cast
as a Greek god.

When?

I played Hades
in Percy Jackson.

Yes, Percy Jackson,
the Lightning Thief.

Yeah, they made
more of those films.

Hmm hmm.

What happened to Hades?

They just didn't
invite me back.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh.

Hello, Joe, Joe?

JOE: Hey Dad, how are you?

Good, good.

What's going on?

JOE: Yeah, Grandad's
in hospital again.

What?

JOE: Yeah, I've been
to see him, seems okay.

Okay, so, it's the
same thing as before.

Yeah, same thing as before.

It's all routine.

They're doing some tests.

- Your check, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Did you like the dessert?

Yeah, it's lovely.

I can't eat citrus,
I had to leave it.

Thank you.

I'm glad you're there.

- JOE: And my mum's actually,
- Okay.

Phillips moved out.

He's left her, so I'm...

Philip?

JOE: Yeah, Philip her
partner, her boyfriend.

Oh yeah.

JOE: He's been living
with her for two years.

Yeah, I think I met him.

Very good evening to you and
welcome to this very special

Greek edition of Guess The bill

coming to you from the
beautiful Greek island of

beach here in the northernmost
part of Southern Greece.

And joining us to play tonight
is a returning champion

from pedantry in the north
of England is Stephen Coogan.

Steve, good evening?

"Hello."

If you need me to come
back and just let me know,

I'll jump on a plane.

All right?

Okay, I love you.

I love you too dad, bye-bye.

And the wonderful thing about
you Steve, is you never pick

another person up on
what they're doing.

"No, it would
literally never occur."

Oh, here he is, the
man himself, Steven,

on this beautiful
beach side setting.

Would you like to
play Guess The Bill?

Not really no.

All right, it's 307 euro.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

ROB: Hey Chloe, it's daddy.

- CHLOE: Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

- CHLOE: Good.
- Good, what you're up to?

Just watching some
stuff on my iPad.

And Where's Charlie?

Charlie isn't here,
he's sleeping right now.

All right then let me speak
straight to mommy then darling

and I'll talk to
you again tomorrow.

CHLOE: She's not here.

She's not there as well.

Where is she?

The theatre.

You said the theatre,

what's she going to
see at the theatre?

I don't know.

And who did she go with?

CHLOE: Don't
know that either.

But you know she's
gone to the theatre.

CHLOE: Yeah.

All right.

Gotta move on.

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Run Dad, keep up.

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Keep moving.

Are you okay?

You all right?

Catherine.

Oh husband that I love.

Why do you choose to give
in to such wild grief?

Catherine!

Fare well.

And do not fail in
your love for our son.

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

♪ I saw my problems and
I'll see the light ♪

♪ We got a loving thing,

♪ We've gotta treat it right.

♪ There ain't no danger,
we can go too far ♪

♪ We start believing now

Are you sing Grease?
♪ That we can be

Because (MUMBLES)

and Greece.
♪ who we are.

♪ Grease is the word.

♪ They think our love is
just a growing pain. ♪

You know, Grease is not
about the country of Greece.

When I'm in Greece,
I hear the word grease,

I think Greece,

Yes, but it's not the same
thing as it's a homophone.

- No, no, no, no.
- It's a homophone.

It's a how dare you?

How dare you?

I'm not a homophone.

I'm a heterosexual.

I'm a hetro... I'm
not, I'm a human being.

- Good evening.
- I'm not a homophone.

I'm not looking for me Steve.

Grease is the word, yes?

It's the word that you
heard, it's got a groove,

it's got a meaning.

Greece is the time, is
the place, is the motion.

Well, grease is the
way we're feeling.

Talk more about
that, expand on that.

(STEVE LAUGHS)
Do you know who wrote Grease?

Steve Coogan, did you
know who wrote Grease?

No, I don't think...

It was Barry Gibb.

I know all the other
writers from ancient Greece,

but no, that's not
as important to you.

- Is who wrote the song Grease.
- Well, it was written

by Barry Gibb because Robert
Stigwood the Bee Gees manager

was producing the music
without the original

stage musical because he
didn't have the song Grease.

Robin said to Barry we're
enjoying such great success

with such (MURMURS) tragedy.

Do you know who wrote that,

"a friend to everyone
is a friend to no one?"

Yes, Aristotle,

- now let me tell you this.
- It's because I told you.

No, I knew it already.

You don't know anything.

(MUMBLES)

You know more about
these irrelevant things

like who wrote the song Grease.

These trivialities than anything
to do with ancient Greece

other than what I've
spoon fed to you

over the last few days.

♪ Grease is the time, is
the place, is the motion ♪

♪ And Grease is the
way we are feeling. ♪

(THUNDER ROARS)

STEVE: You know, the Greeks
thought Delphi was the centre

of the world, literally the
centre of the Greek world,

the navel, as it were.

ROB: Yes, I think so.

STEVE: And they had a cave

and the woman in the
cave sitting on a tripod,

with smoke coming
up underneath her,

they'd have a prophet
there to interpret.

She would then shoot,
the smoke would come up

and she'd start going (MUMBLES).

And they'd have a prophet to
interpret what she was saying.

And the people believed
that it was Apollo,

sending his words up in
smoke through her vagina

and out of her mouth.

And she was the
Priestess Pythia.

Well, are going to
make a joke about it?

No.

If I did, it wouldn't be
one of my Pythia comments.

There's something
lucky in this.

Probably where the phrase

"blowing smoke up
your ass" comes from.

It was a vagina, not ass.

I hope you know the
difference by now, Rob.

Got help your wife, 'cause
she didn't know which

way to turn.

Now, this here is the stone
that Zeus dropped to signify

the centre of the world, the
navel of the world just there.

It's more like
a clitoris though.

It does though, it looks
more like a giant clitoris.

Well, that's almost
certainly deliberate.

This is a shrine to the female.

So it's a Gaia, Mother
Earth, the creative.

And until, of course,
Apollo came along,

claimed all the
credit for himself.

Surprise surprise, 'twas
ever thus the patriarchy.

It's a lovely spot.

Claiming credit.

Very spiritual, isn't it?

Yeah.

(THUNDER ROARS)

(BELL RINGS)

STEVE: Michelin
starred, Varoulko Seaside

in Pireas, Athens
is widely regarded

as Greece's top
seafood restaurant.

(MUMBLING)

Well it's very nice, isn't it?

This is not what I
expected of Athens.

I was thinking hot and
dusty, not wet and cool.

No, well, this is exactly
what I expected of Athens

because lots of boats,
because it's a naval power.

The Athenian Navy
defeated the Persians in

the Battle of Salamis.

The Battle of Salamis.

Yeah.

So, you could do something
about two guys with Salamis

hitting each other in the head?

- Yes.
- The fact that Salamis

are a bit like cocks.

Yeah, (LAUGHS) no,
I wasn't going there

- but
- Really?

- Well, the Battle of Salamis
- The Battle of Salamis.

Big guy.

Yeah but they're at
the Battle of Marathon,

not far from here, that
wasn't a naval battle, was it?

I didn't say all the
battles were naval.

And that's where we get the
Marathon from because the guy,

the soldier came, he ran
from the battle at Marathon,

all the way back to Athens
and then, you won't know this,

he dropped dead.

What did the shout
just before he died?

He said, "I've got
shooting pains down my arm

and I sort of,

followed by a crushing
feeling across my chest."

No, Nike.

- Please.
- What?

Thank you.

(MUMBLES)

Thank you very much.

(MUMBLING) salad from
white grouper (MURMURS).

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

He shouted Nike.

He had a sponsorship deal.

He wanted to thank
the guys at Nike.

No, he shouted Nike as Nike
is the goddess of victory.

(DISHES CLANGING)

Have you ever ran the marathon?

No, of course not, no.

- I have.
- Really?

If you died at the end of the
marathon, I would gladly try

and resuscitate you, to the...

Are you waving goodbye to me.

No, I'm crashing your
chest to the rhythm

of staying alive.

You don't do that, you
don't pat someone in the back.

Arms together, elbows locked.

Push down, 30
chest compressions.

30 and you count them.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10

to 30 of those.

Steve's gonna die.

Steve's gonna die.

- Then two breaths.
- Yeah.

Pinch the nose, head
back, two breaths.

- Not your nose.
- What?

The nose of the person

- your bringing to life.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Head back.
- We've lost him.

Something on his neck.

We've lost him but
I'm pinching my nose.

"Not your nose, you idiot."

Well, it's 'cause
you make people laugh

while losing valuable
seconds, that will be good.

What if you'd found it funny

and you sprung back
to life laughing.

Well, I'd have to be
conscious for that to happen.

So, if I'm conscious
then there's

no need to resuscitate me.

- Doesn't make sense.
- All right,

I'm banging your chest

- Can I (MUMBLES)?
- Pinch the nose,

- Would you mind if I...
- two breaths, then 30 more.

- One, two, three, four
- Three, four.

Steve's gonna die,
Steve's gonna die.

Yeah and why do
they say do it to

the beat of the Bee Gees?

Why?

Because it's the number
of beats per minute.

And how many beats
per minute is it?

A hundred and twenty.

Yes.

'cause that's the
classic disco beat.

Yes, I know.

Then we got a very dangerous
area because then it might be

time to try mouth to mouth

and I would not be
comfortable with that.

I'm glad you wouldn't
be comfortable with it.

I would find it hard to
press my lips to yours.

I'm glad you wouldn't
be comfortable with it

'cause I enjoy it more when
you don't enjoy it (LAUGHS).

(DISHES CLANGING)

Marathon man, Dustin
Hoffman, very different actors.

Olivier acts from
the outside-in,

he's not a method
actor, he never was.

He likes to look in the
mirror and look like someone

different, and then make that
the basis of his character.

Or a Dustin nose.

Dustin doesn't look like that

I think I'm quite like Dustin.

And I'm not sure
act the like Dustin.

Well that's Dustin Hoffman.

Mrs. Robinson, are
you trying to seduce me?

Are you trying to
seduce me Mrs. Robinson?

- Mrs. Robinson.
- Are you trying to seduce me?

Then pick what
do you choose next.

I'll tell you Midnight Cowboy.

Why did he choose
that John Schlesinger?

'cause he was so different.

Who did he play?

Ratso Rizzo, who
was opposite him?

- Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight, yeah.

Jon Voight the (MURMURS)

We didn't know that then.

Jon Voight says, "Well
hell, I'm a hustler,

you didn't know that?"

(CLEARING OF THROAT)

Justin says," Well, how I'm
I supposed to know that?

You gotta tell a
person these things.

I mean, I understand
the board starts crying

and I cut my heart out for her.

You need my friend, Dr. Aniel."

- Can you do...
- I'm haven't finished

- doing it yet.
- Okay.

"You need my friend Dr. Aniel.

- He runs a biggest..."
- That's very good.

I still haven't finished.

"You will need my
friend Dr. Aniel.

He runs this biggest...

now I'm getting it wrong 'cause
you got in my fucking way.

I'm walking here,
I'm walking here.

While I'm talking here, let me
finish this thing, right now.

You'll need my friend Dr. Aniel,
he runs the biggest stable

in the whole goddamn
metropolitan area.

It's craziest stuff
like you paying."

And then there was (MURMURS)

I can do that.

Michael, nobody
will employ you.

You played a tomato,
they went two days over

'cause you wouldn't sit down.

I'm a woman, I don't like
the way you speak to one.

If you say that again, me I
go knock balls right through

the roof of your mouth.

I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

- I'm Michael Dorcy.
- I'm Michael Dorcy.

(LAUGHS)

(SIZZLING)

I'm an excellent driver.

I'm an, okay.

I'm an excellent driver.

Can you do a Godzilla
animation in a film?

Kind of like a stop
frame animation.

- No.
- I can, watch.

(MAKES ANIMAL SOUND)

(MUMBLES)

Still prefer O'Neil Kinect.

If I had to choose
with a gun to my head.

And I can do
doubling in films where

the voice doesn't matter.

You've done this before.

I know, it's
good though, watch.

Are you gonna do it?

Yeah.

Don't be ridiculous.

And I told you time
and time again.

Every time you come here,
your voice didn't sink at all

and when you lose your temper,
it should be like this.

Hey, you.

You're a fool.

(LAUGHS) Fair enough.

In the Marathon Man of course,
in that scene where he says,

"Is it safe?"

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

Yes, it's safe.

Is it safe, yes,
it's very safe.

Are you doing both parts?

Is it safe?

It's safe, it's safe, yeah.

Does this hurt?

(SNORTS)

You have a cavity.

See, that's where
you got it wrong,

'cause he doesn't do that.

The whole point
is, he doesn't go

- Does he?
- Okay, all right.

He's very, that's
what makes it scary

'cause he does it
ever so gently,

he's like a dentist and
that's why it's ahead

because he's so, now
try it again, Steve.

I want you for this part.

You have a slight
cavity there.

- Just
- Oh!

And then you get
the oil of cloves.

- Yes, simple...
- But you do it very caringly.

Simple oil of cloves.

It makes it so much better.

That's not safe, it's not
safe, it's very dangerous.

(MAKES DRILLING SOUND)

What are you doing now?

- You're drilling?
- Yeah, well.

(MAKES A DRILLING SOUND)

I'm a little lightheaded.

That was actually quite good.

It was, I'll do it again.

(MAKES A DRILLING SOUND)

(MUMBLES)

And then from deep inside
Dustin's mouth comes this;

"somebody get me out of here,

I'm a tiny tooth,

I can't get out of
Dustin Hoffman's mouth,

oh my God, I can't get
out of Dustin's mouth"

He didn't see some sort
of wise guy, that he's not.

I still don't
know why you dubbed.

And why are you a
small man in the box?

Oh, he's a funny
notion that I'm not,

- I'm small...
- It's a funny notion

that someone might walk around
in real life being dubbed.

- Yeah, but in this...
- To make sense.

- In this instance...
- A small, why a small...

Because we're in
a dental setting.

And a man's trapped in
a box, why in the dentist?

A tooth is trapped in a mouth.

And the tooth talks.

I'm trapped inside
Dustin Hoffman's mouth.

Well, this is where
your claim for logic

falls to the ground,
Mr. Rob Brydon.

There's no possible way of
offering the explanation

for that, case dismissed.

So, it's your first
visit in our hotel, sir?

First visit to
this hotel, yes.

But visited Athens a
couple of times before.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Nice to hear your voice.

Hey, Greg, how you doing?

(MUMBLES) How are you?

Good, good, yeah, great.

How's Rob?

Is he keeping you on your toes?

He's a very funny man.

He really does (MUMBLES)

Yes, he's very funny.

Well, what can I do for you?

Is there any news on
the Damien Chazelle film?

Yes, yes but it's a no,
I'm afraid, from them.

They do what, they loved you.

They thought what you did
was absolutely fantastic.

I cried and I
did the whole bit.

Yeah, I know that though
the crying was great.

They mentioned
that, they loved it.

Listen, I've had an idea.

Why don't you at the end
of this, which is Ithica,

why don't you come
out and you and I

could have a few days together?

(MURMURING)

Here they are.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hey, how are you?

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you too.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- How are you?
- Very good.

Nice to see you.

- Fantastic.
- Thank you.

Right, a photograph.

Yes, at the
Epidaurus, the theatre.

Since Greece is the
birthplace of drama.

On the nose.

Steven it was your idea.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

Great, let's do it.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

STEVE: It's hot, if
I was to give one word

to describe this weather.

(MUMBLING)

That's very hot.

I know it's hot.

Masks.

Comedy, tragedy.

STEVE: This is,
they look like BAFTAs

Is that the idea?

ROB: They are,
the unfamiliar not.

I've got tragedy,
you happy with that?

Comedy?

STEVE: I don't know,
what do you think?

I'd go with that.

Comedy, you know
you're a titan of comedy.

I should have the smile
because of the number

of BAFTAs I've won.

And I should have the
frown because I've spent

a week with you.
(LAUGHS)

Come on, let's do it.

On the other hand, Rob
is known for accessible

light entertainment, smiley
face, and I'm now known

for dramatic roles because

I got a BAFTA nomination for,

thanks, Stan Laurel.

For impersonating a comedian,
so we give it back to you.

Yeah, I wasn't
impersonating a comedian,

because BAFTA, the nomination
was for best acting.

It's certainly drama.

Guys, can you
take off the hats?

- What?
- Hat.

Okay.

I'm gonna burn
without the hat.

Okay, well, we'll
do it quickly.

Why is he on the higher level?

This is just exacerbating
the height thing.

You can go on the same level.

I don't think Rob could
be on the same level.

Oh, he's talking, physically,
I see, I've got it, okay.

Try and do like the
proper Greek actors

like a proper drama.

As if we're all Greek
actors, so, I'll stab you.

That will come easy.

Yeah, some kind of
drama there, yeah.

Sing Goddess Achilles
rage, black and murderous,

that cost the Greeks
incalculable pain,

and cast countless

souls of heroes into Hades'

black, dark, pitched.

Hey, I'm from BAFTA

and I'm afraid, your
performance, whilst impressive,

didn't quite meet the criteria.

♪ Tragedy, when a
feeling's gone. ♪

♪ You can't go on
this tragedy. ♪

♪ But in the morning cries,
you don't know why it's hard ♪

♪ to bear with no
one beside you. ♪

♪ You're going nowhere.

Yeah, but it's not
a tragedy, is it?

That's just depression.

That's what a doctor would
say but Barry's not a doctor.

Barry's a wordsmith.

So, he's employee
his poetic licence.

♪ Tragedy,

Oh look at this
rubbish, look at that.

Come on, the bloody Greeks.

Come on Greece, it's two
and a half thousand years.

Hi, it's Emma.

Oh, hi, I'm just
checking if you're there.

We're about to pull in.

Great, all right, that's fab.

Oh hi, nice to meet you?

How are you doing?

So, you're gonna meet
them tomorrow with the car

in Monemvasia

Yes, okay.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Where does the ferry go from?

The ferry is down there.

Okay.

Have a good time.

Bye (MUMBLES),
thank you so much.

(MURMURS)

There's no cars
allowed though in Hydra.

Really?

- Yeah.
- That is good.

Yeah, it is good.

(BELL CHIMES)

(CHILD SHRIEKS)

- Hi.
- Hi.

I can take your bags?

Oh, amazing, we're
gonna stay at the Hydrea.

- Yes.
- Where's the Hydrea?

It's over there.

- Okay.
- Very near.

Can you take us
to the reception?

Okay, brilliant.

(SIZZLING)

(MUMBLING)

So, here we have,

- Wow, amazing.
- Wow, it looks amazing.

Delicious, thank you.

(DISHES CLANGING)

How are your kids Rob?

Good, thank you.

Chloe is ten, Charlie is four.

- Wow.
- There are a handful.

(LAUGHS) well.

How is yours?

(MUMBLES) is four.

Would you have another one,
do you think, at your age now?

I just think a certain
age, it's probably

- not fair on the kids, is it?
- Yeah.

Keep you young
though, look at Jagger.

Have you seen that clip of him
after he had his operation.

I've seen that,
where he's dancing.

Where he's dancing, yeah.

He's amazing.

How long was it
after his operation?

I don't know, not
a lot clear though.

But pretty soon after,

- Really?
- it's very incredible.

Lemme have a look.

But he has many
young children, right?

So, he needs to keep fit.

Pretty soon, he'll be
the only man in Britain

with an earlier
bedtime than his child.

(LAUGHS)

I don't want to go to bed.

I want to stay up, I
want to watch one show.

Please share that nappies.

Oh hang on, he's found it.

I hope he has, either that

or he's having some
sort of a fit.

On the screen off.

Oh, it'll work, don't worry.

Impressive though, right?

Imagine him in the hospital.

Can I just say, this ward
is a lot really noisy and

oh, keep it down.

Well time is it you know.

When's the magazines
coming around?

I could use this one.

See that bloke in the
next bed, he's done nothing

but complain since he got there.

The nurses,

they're like angels.

And he does nothing
but complain.

(MUMBLING)

And him over there, he has
no visitors, really sad.

No one's going to see him.

All right, hello?

You're doing all right, yeah.

Do you think he was
on the ward at Papworth?

- I doubt it somehow.
- Probably

in the private room.

- Yeah.
- Most likely.

Nevermind, can't
get no satisfaction.

I can't get no sleep,
the bloody noise.

That one over there.

He's boning and
groaning all night.

- Oh, it's so in terms...
- No wonder you don't get

any visitors, I mean,
it's a nightmare.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But you know, Keith's come
to visit and Ronnie's come

to visit.

- (MUMBLES) haven't they?
- Charlie's come to visit.

What?
(MURMURS)

- No, no.
- No.

It's like me and him, we
get on, we love each other.

We a little (MUMBLING)

He said he had a
tiny todger though,

isn't that too hard
to come back from?

No, that's Steve
lying(MUMBLES)

Did he forget he
probably when he said that?

Sometimes.

Well, he would
know it wasn't true...

These cats (MUMBLES)
(LAUGHS)

When he goes swimming, right,
like when he's facing down,

it's like he's
dredging, you know.

- He's like he's...
- Oh God.

(LAUGHS) That's what Keith
Richards did when he laughs.

Just wondered...

He's like in the last
death throes of Mutley.

(LAUGHING)

(CUTLERY CLANGING)

ROB: He's loving
it, isn't he?

Look at that.

STEVE: I could do that.

That's actually quite risky.

STEVE: Did I tell
you about the time

I free climbed home crack.

ROB: Yes, you did.

What is he doing?

- Wow.
- Wow.

Oh my god.

ROB: He could be nastily
thrown against the rocks.

STEVE: Couldn't be that.

ROB: So, and here we come.

Oh, wow.

Here we have shell fishes.

Thank you.

- That looks so good.
- Thank you.

It looks lovely.

Amazing.

Oh, this reminds me
when the tide goes out.

Are we meant to just
slurp it like an oyster?

STEVE: You don't have to.

What did you do?

STEVE: You still do
that, you still do it like,

ROB: yeah, I think we do.

STEVE: It's (MUMBLES)
smaller than garlic.

That is amazing.

That's gorgeous.

STEVE: I might
go for a dive later.

Really?

Yeah, but I can't do a
back flip like that but I can

swallow dive.

What's swallow dive?

Well, you have to put
your arms out like this

because if you do this, if
you're from a great height,

if you do this, you just
go over to your back.

So you have to, the centre
of gravity is your chest

by doing this, and then bring
your arms in the last minute.

Okay.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Chloe, how are you doing?

You all right?

Hi, I'm good.

Good, how was school today?

Hey Joe, it's dad.

Hey dad, I've just
been to see Grandad.

All right, go on.

He's a bit woozy, they're
going to run a few more tests.

You're gonna miss
mommy when she comes out.

Yeah.

JOE: We're gonna get
back in the same flight.

Brilliant, that's good.

(MURMURS)

Oh, great, how is she?

JOE: She's good, yeah.

She said to say hello.

Okay, well say
hello back to her,

and thank you for obviously you
know stepping into the fray.

It'll be fun the
granny though, won't it?

Yeah, good forehead
darling well done.

Hello.

(WAVES HITTING THE SHORE)

Good luck.

Oh, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones you look
wonderful tonight Miss Jones.

Thank, as do you.

The Himalayas,
unmistakable Miss Jones.

Would you join me Miss Jones
in the terrace for a drink?

I was just wondering where

Leonard Cohen's house might be

near the house and I think
he's got a blue plaque.

Leonard Cohen lived here.

Oh, yes, I would think so.

I mean, Leonard and
McCartney (MURMURS)

(CLAPS)

Bravo.

It's not really high though
to see a proper swallow dive.

No, I think that was perfect.

Actually, it's a
very difficult dive.

So, you gotta watch
your back, you see.

If you don't get the
right entry, it's lethal.

Yeah.

And then they're gonna
have fireworks, anytime.

How do you know?

Because I have
been here before.

Oh, so you've been this far.

(FIREWORKS CRACKLING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

I have to get to the ferry.

Okay.

Bye.

(SIGHS)

♪ Forever and ever,

♪ forever and ever.

♪ You'll be the one who shines

STEVE: It's
Falsetto, isn't it?

ROB: It gets to Falsetto,
it didn't start Falsetto.

Okay, no it's not
♪ forever

Not forever, it's

♪ Ever and ever...

Don't start there Steve

as your proctologists I would
advise you do not start there.

Let's see what happens.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever,

♪ You'll be

♪ The one...

See what happened, now half
the audience's left (LAUGHS)

♪ Ever and ever, forever and
ever you'll be the one. ♪

- Hello, viewers.
- All right.

♪ Ever and ever, forever
and ever you'll be the one ♪

♪ Who shines on me,
for all eternity. ♪

To be fair, when
Dennis did it, he...

♪ Ever and ever, forever
and ever you'll be the one ♪

You use pulse, that's how.

Are you deliberately
doing it badly?

♪ Shines on me...

Right, okay, ready?

♪ in all eternity...

Can I have a go?

Yeah, go on.

♪ Ever and ever, forever and
ever you'll be the one. ♪

If you do that,
it is falsetto.

You used falsetto.

Did I talk over you doing
it and tell you how to do it?

- No.
- No, because you don't know

how to do it.

'cause well, I was
gonna say it's falsetto.

He went into falsetto.

Yes he went into it but I
haven't reached that stage yet.

- Well you did.
- He didn't start in falsetto.

- Did he, Steve?
- No.

- Did I start in falsetto?
- No.

So I was doing
the same as Denis.

When you go high
note, you also remained

- out of falsetto.
- Car.

(CAR HORNS)

- Here we go.
- Even the high note.

Right, here we go.

How about you do a sponsored
silence now for charity.

- Okay, go on.
- Here we go.

♪ Ever and ever
and ever and ever ♪

♪ You'll be the one
that shines on me ♪

♪ Like the morning sun

♪ Ever and ever
and ever and ever ♪

♪ You'll be the one
who shines on me ♪

- ♪ Like the morning sun
- Is that castrato?

Wait, wait, wait

♪ All my life and

- ♪ now I have been...
- Should I call an ambulance?

♪ Everyday with you

♪ my heart is turning

♪ forever and ever.

What the hell are you doing?

You're all over the place.

Shocked by the
power of my falsetto.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello.
- Hey, hello.

- You all right?
- Yeah, very good thank you.

Is everything sorted?

It is, Emmy's organised it
all, she says it'll be fine.

- Hello?
- Hey, Catherine.

It's Steve, how are you?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

What can I do for you?

I'm trying to get Joe, he's
not answering his mobile.

Is he there?

CATHERINE: Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry about
your dad by the way.

Oh thank you, yeah.

Joe is here, have
a chat with him.

Take care, okay, bye.

Thanks, love.

Thanks.
Hey, Dad.

Hey, how you doing?

JOE: Yeah, I'm all
right, how are you?

Great, great, how's granddad.

Oh, he's okay.

You know, I mean,
same as yesterday.

He seems he seems stable.

(SIZZLING)

What's amazing about the Mani
is that thousands years ago

when it was ruled by, when
Sparta was the most powerful

nation state in ancient Greece.

To be part of the
ruling council,

you had to be over 60 years
old, so I will be too young

to be part of the government.

I'd be like some young
rapscallion, the ruling council

there in the robes,
the elders, very wise,

and I'd be hanging
around and they're going,

"Get out of here. Steve,
you silly young thing."

Would you ever run
for public office?

No.

Because you'd be a great
orator, wouldn't you?

With your skills of speaking.

I don't.

You worried they'd be
digging through your past?

No, I don't, I'm not
worried about that.

Because that's a pro nowadays.

I mean, look at look at
some of these people.

Look at your Trump's
and your Johnson's.

Yeah.
You're old and stuff.

Yeah, well, you know,

- I mean,
- I mean not at your level but

If you think about
Heracles, he was someone...

Heracles, don't
you mean Hercules?

If you're using the Roman
name then yes, that's Hercules.

I only know him from the film.

Okay, well, Heracles is
the Greek name for him.

He murdered his
wife and children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
played him in the movie.

The Labours of
Hercules, if you like.

Hercules in New York.

Was issued from...

One of the first movies.

Thank you, from a Christian
perspective has based him

serving his penance.

I can't even imagine
Christianity forgiving a man

for murdering his
wife and children.

You're quite right too.

Mr. Coogan are you suggesting
that the man standing

before us today who murdered
his wife and children

should be forgiven?

Hercules, Arnold played him
in Hercules in New York.

Hercules in New York.

Is one of my first films,

One of my first... you
sound a bit like

Werner Herzog there.

That's right, that's
what I was doing.

- I was doing Werner.
- That was one

of my first films, it
was very hard to do.

I had to get Arnold
Schwarzenegger to do it for me.

My name is Georgia,
everybody calls me George.

(MAKES A BEAT SOUND)

- Anyway.
- Remember that?

So, we are going to
start with one salad.

Good idea.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, perfect.

Make some space and
put it into the middle.

Thank you.

One melitsana dip and just one
moment for the bread, please.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Already enjoy.

Thank you.

- She's charming.
- Did you hear that?

- Already enjoying
- Already enjoying.

- What a lovely slogan?
- Yeah, is a lovely,

- yes, it is.
- I'd like to have that

on a T shirt.

- Already enjoy.
- Yeah, well, you're a bit old

for T-shirts with
such slogans on,

if you don't mind me saying.

- Thank you very much.
- Some bread.

My friend was just saying
what a lovely thing to say,

"already enjoy."

Now you can enjoy
completely (LAUGHS)

Match it on a T-shirt.

- Yes.
- Yes?

- It'd be nice.
- Yeah?

He's too old to have
T shirts with logos on.

You're never too
old for this. (LAUGHS)

No, I think, yeah.

That's a nice thing to say.

Just to be clear.

- No, you're never too old.
- I know.

- Enjoy.
- Thank you very much.

Already enjoying, thank you.

- Yeah.
- She was very,

she was unequivocal there.

Not too old.

What was she gonna say?

"Yeah you're right."

She could have agreed with
you if you're as persuasive

- as you think you are.
- She was being

politically adapting.

That's the best thing
to say about her.

Just to be clear,
are you saying,

you could wear a T-shirt
with a slogan on it?

You think you're four months.

I think, it's
nothing to do with age,

it's to do with how you look.

And this the brutal truth is,
yes, I think I am more likely

to get away with a T-shirt
with a logo on it than you are.

Not by much but just
more likely, yeah.

Anyway, already enjoying.

- Yeah?
- Huh.

(SIZZLING)

(MUMBLES)

The ancient Greeks recognise
that people were a combination

of good and bad, is not this,
social media idea demonising

people completely.

They are other persona non grata

or their heroic is nonsense.

Their gods, you know,
were complex people and

it's interesting because
this is a good example of it.

This review of Stan and Ollie.

Review of Stan and Ollie
is a good example of what?

(STUMBLES)

You're tying this
into Greek mythology.

Yes.

The review of Stan and
Ollie in the Spectator says,

"It's a good job Steve
Coogan is a brilliant actor.

He conveys Stan's likability
so well that for 97 minutes

you forget what to self
regarding arse Coogan himself is

in real life." Now,

my takeaway from that is, he
thinks I'm a brilliant actor.

That's what you
take away from it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

That was a lovely, it was
just, it wasn't too much.

Did you liked it?

We loved it.

Wonderful, yeah, lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Do you want to continue?

I think so.

I think so yeah.

Is there an option not to?

- It's your choice.
- Yeah, no, we will continue.

Yeah, (LAUGHS) I've never
been asked that before.

Yeah, it's a good question.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Thank you.

It's a German
accent, isn't it?

- She's got.
- Yes.

You think she's German?

- Yeah.
- She's not Greek.

Do you want to continue?

She could have been
asking us about our lives.

Do you want to continue?

What, she's seen
our age and gone,

"Do you want to continue or
would you prefer I administer

drugs now?"

Not all Germans are Nazi.

I'm not saying she's
a Nazi, I'm saying

she's in some lovely
clinic where we go into it.

Yeah, I know you.

No, but this one I'm not
saying she's not saying

she's the occupying force.

I'm saying she's in a clinic.

And she's saying, "Do
you want to continue?

Or would you like to..."

Don't mention the war.

(LAUGHS)

I'm not but seriously?

Yeah, she's not, I like a
foreign accent on a woman.

You like women.

Mr. Bond, you know, it's
like, you're always...

So, we continue with risotto.

Thank you.

- One for you.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.
(WAITER LAUGHS)

Nice and soft for Steve.

- Thank you.
- And one for you.

There we are.

Enjoy.

(DISHES CLANGING, SIZZLING)

(MUMBLING)

Oh boy, look at that Rob.

Three sirens.

Yeah?

On the rocks.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, luring me.

They'll just distract themself
to the mass, so you won't

be tempted by that
sort of hussy.

Hmm, yeah.

That's what you
needed, isn't it?

You've needed that in
your life, I think.

Someone to strap you to the
mast to stop you doing mischief.

The other sailors
put bungs in their ears

so they wouldn't
hear the siren song.

He wants to hear it, but he
want to be lured, he wants to

- check out the sirens
- Couldn't be more like you.

You want you want to
experience up to a point.

You're a halfway through,
he begs them to untie him

so that he could go
and consummate or

If I'd strap you to
the mast, I would stick

with the agreement,
I wouldn't untie you.

And I'd take some
pleasure in it.

I'd have little, I'd have
cotton things in my ears, right?

You'd be on the mast.

You go, "Oh Rob, Rob,
I regret my decision.

Please untie me." That
song is fantastic.

Why would I be a
munchkin with an accent?

Huh?

Why would I be, if I
was playing Odysseus?

You're not playing, no,

I'm not saying you're
playing Odysseus.

I'm saying you are
you and I am me.

I'd be going, "Let me go."

And I'd say, "I'm sorry."

Let me swim to the
sirens, I demand it.

You have your hands would
be by your side or near,

you'd be stuck
there, wouldn't you?

Yeah, Okay.

Let me swim to the sirens.

I'm sorry, Steve.

I've got...

I demand it.

Steve, do you recognise this?

My name is
Odysseus, not Steve.

Who is this Steve you speak of?

He's a conceited ass that
I know from Manchester.

Well, I know not him, but
I have heard of his talent.

I believe he's won seven BAFTAs,

seven BAFTAs?

Yes.

What is a BAFTA
that you speak of?

(MUMBLING)

- (BELL CLINGS)
- Service.

STEVE: Spartan
women has a reputation

for being the most beautiful
women in the world.

Yet the men were
gay, go figure.

Hello.

- Hi
- Hi.

So, I have some fish for you.

Thank you.

And one for you.

- It's grouper
- STEVE: Thank you.

Enjoy it.

Thank you very much.

Much lovely.

Make sure you mop up
a lot of that sauce.

Oh yeah.

After lunch, we'll
go and see the caves.

Why?

It's the observers idea.

The Greeks, as
I'm sure you know,

believed that in this area.

Yeah,

caves were entrances to the
underworld and they thought we

could tie that in and also,
I could mention you as Hades,

plug a few Percy Jackson DVDs.

Is everything fine?

- Wonderful.
- Lovely.

Gorgeous.

Beautiful Bay.

It's very nice.

We have tomorrow swim race.

It's called ocean man.

They start from the
pier right there.

Can you see it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

They will start there and
swim into this direction

to Neo Itilo to the beach Tsipa.

It's international, people
all around the world

- they coming here.
- Wow.

Maybe you will see it.

I would love to, I would
love to stay for that.

That sounds amazing but..

we cannot stay, we have
to leave but sounds lovely.

I'd like to join the race.

I'd like to join in, I think.

Maybe you can do.

Yeah, I think so.

No?
(LAUGHS)

Maybe.

He's joking with you.

I'm not joke, I'm in
pretty good shape my age.

(ROB LAUGHS)

- We will see.
- We will see.

- (LAUGHS)
- Thank you.

I'd like to do that.

Let's join in the race,
joining the... not competitive.

They just but.

That's a long way, look at it.

I have got very good stamina.

Neither you nor
I could do that.

I can certainly, I could
beat you in the race.

Well, I don't think you
could and we don't have time,

so (MUMBLES)

Oh, that's convenient.

Okay, go to the
cave then we'll race.

Great, (MURMURS)

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

(BOTH HUMMING)

The Swingle singers
live at Chena gorge.

This is more really suited
to sort of a Gregorian Chant

to being like a sort
of cathedral sound.

I love Greg.

- What?
- I love Greg.

Greg who?

Oh Greg Orian chant, yeah.

Well, I don't mind
whether Greg or Ian Chant.

I mean, they're both good.

(LAUGHS)

Would you rather Ian?

Ian you sit this one
out, Greg is gonna do it.

(BOTH HUMMING)

You girls, what do you
shout, what do you say go?

Yeah, say three, two, one go!

Yeah, sure.

- Are you ready?
- Don't push me.

Ready, steady, go!

(SPLASHES INTO THE WATER)

AlL right, okay, you win,

I think I switched my shoulder.

Come on, yes, yes!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Yeah,

yes,

Journey.

Dad?

Dad?

Journey.

I knew your devotion would
prevail over all the rigour

of the journey and bring
you to your father.

I might be allowed to look
upon your face my son.

To hear the voice I know so
well, and answer it with my own

I know how many lands you've
travelled and how many seas

you've sailed to get to me here.

Give me your hand.

(SIGHS)

Steve.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna swim.

We are supposed to go.

We are supposed to go.

We gonna be
going near Olympia.

Why don't we stop there?

It's gonna be full of
tourists, American tourists

piling out of coaches.

The Olympic games were held
every four years throughout

classical antiquity.

The site is a major
tourist attraction.

And has two museums one
devoted to the ancient

and modern games.

We are not going there,
we're going to Pylos.

Horrible King Lester.

(MAKING SOUNDS)

Greek.

You're doing like a
horn though, it's a piano.

(MAKING MUSICAL SOUND)

Oh, sorry glang is
the word for piano.

glang, glang, glang

I'll be the Percussion.

Yeah, I hate that film.

So posh students from Oxford
learn to run really quickly.

The end.

I think there's
a psychological

disadvantage to sitting

in the passenger seat in a car.

The driver automatically
assumes highest status.

I remember as a child, there
was a chap whose wife drove

and he didn't.

And I remember thinking,
that poor guy and to me,

I thought he was
completely emasculated.

And that woman divorced that
man that he couldn't drive

and in my head, you know, as
a child, I always thought,

if he'd learned to drive,
he'd might still be married.

Yeah, the relationship I
was in before Sally was a long

one, and when it ended,
I was very bereft.

And I went to stay
with my parents.

And they said, well, let's
go for a run in the car.

Okay, yeah.

They drove down to West
Wales but I was sitting

- in the back.
- Oh, dear.

And not only was I now without
my relationship I was also

a little boy in the back of
the car, at one point near

Carmarthen I had to say stop
pull over and I made my mom

get in the back.

Look at that breathtaking view

Coastal Pylos presides
over the southern end of

an immense bay.

Is this the Palace
of King Nestor?

No, this is an old
Ottoman fortress.

From the, this day is
from the Ottoman Empire.

At Ottoman Empire, they have
a great savings on Ottomans

of all sizes.

Open bank holiday
Monday, put your feet up

at Ottoman Empire.

Otter man, half otter,
half man, new to the Marvel

comic universe.

- Half man,
- you could play him.

half usable, still
storage facility.

What's Steve doing?

Oh, he's playing Ottoman.

What?

Yeah, no, he thinks
he can be good.

I read the script, it's awful.

He's gonna do it,
is he all right?

I don't know.

I'm worried about Steve,
he's doing so well.

And then he signed
up for Ottoman.

Tell me more about
Steve Coogan's decision

to play Ottoman.

Well, this was towards
the end of his life.

And I think...

You said that I wanted to
talk more about his talent.

Well, I mean, talent is a
very subjective thing, isn't it?

I spent a lot time with him.

We all know that it was
a great talent (MUMBLES).

Why was he so great, so
please, just expound on that.

Well, that's still
a mystery to me.

I mean, I spent a
lot, I didn't ask...

That's mystery to you,
what I want to know is

what can you encapsulate
in a sentence,

the genius of Steve Coogan.

I met a lot of people over
the years who didn't like him.

We don't have that
much time left.

- No.
- You're gonna miss me?

Well, yes and no.

Yes and no? Bloody hell

And you're very entertaining
but you can be exhausting.

Exhausting, me?

Good God, you should meet you.

I have met me and we got
on like a house on fire.

That was the same, it
looked like, it looks like

a halls of residence in a
1960s British University.

Well, no yeah what's wrong
with that, that's modernism.

It's is utopia modernism
and that is incredible.

That's, that's 1200 BC.

Plus 800 years
before the Parthenon.

On grand designs, imagine
Kevin MacLeod going back to..

Yeah, and that's
why it's amazing.

see, they're happy with
their underfloor heating.

We are beginning to feel pinch
Kevin but we do want to see

it too, because, you know,
it's our dream house.

It's the same amount
of time between that

and the Parthenon is
between ups and the building

of Canterbury Cathedral.

And as the sun sprang up,

Oh you look very good there.

Leaving the brilliant
water in its wake.

You look like
you've come to inspect

for building regulations

Time the bronze dawn to
show light onto immortal gods

and mortal men.

The ship sailed into Pylos,
where people lined the beaches,

sacrificing sleek,
black bulls to Poseidon

(SLOW CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Driving quite fast
for a narrow road.

You don't mind me saying.

Thank you.

That's shortcut.

That's not the road.

This is the road.

Are you allowed to do this?

Am I allowed?

I was born allowed mate.

It's up here, isn't it?

(MUMBLES) been a ridge here.

Wow, good lord.

Without the, to
historic (MUMBLES)

This is it,

this is, where, King Nestor
had a huge feast to Telemachus.

Two and a half
thousand years ago.

So, what they call it ox-belly
Bay 'cause of all the bulls

they sacrificed?

No, cause it's the
shape of an ox's belly.

Yeah, I know.

Right, we've seen it Let's go

See the mouth of the Bay
there, I can I could swim that.

I can swim that, it's
hardy the Hellespont, is it?

It's not even Assos to Lesbos.

I'll race you, my
shoulder's better now.

Come on, seriously let's go.

Come on.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- All right.

Hello.

Hello, Joe.

Hey, dad.

Hey.

JOE: It's granddad.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm really sorry.

What?

I'm really sorry,

he's died.

I'm sorry dad.

Are you okay?

JOE: Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'll come straight home.

JOE: Yeah, okay.

All right, I'll see you soon.

JOE: Yeah, see you soon.

Love you.

Love you too, bye.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Steve.

Hi Emma.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Who told you.

EMMA: Joe called me.

Listen, I've checked all flights

and the best way home,
is to get on the ferry

with Rob to Ithaca, it
stops at Sami in Kefalonia

and then you can go direct
flight to Manchester, okay?

Okay, great.

Joe said that he's
staying at Catharine's

and you'd stay there.

Is that okay?

Would you rather I
book you a hotel?

Yes, if that's what Joe
wants, I'll go straight there.

All right, okay.

Listen, sending
lots of love, okay?

Okay, bye bye.

What's going on?

My dad's died.

What?

Yeah, so, I've
got to fly home.

I'm sorry.

I'll drive.

No, I want to drive,
I wanna keep busy.

All these butterflies.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Sami.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

And that's Ithaca.

Let's come back another day.

Yeah, we will.

I'm gonna go get my bags.

I'll give you a call.

Be strong, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

(WHIRLING)

(SPEAKS FAINTLY)

(CAR HONKS)

That's me.

I'm coming aboard.

I don't love your mother.

(CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

I'm going to the airport.

CAB DRIVER: Yes, sir.

How long does it take?

CAB DRIVER: 45
minutes approximately.

It's a bit windy.

And you're blown away.

Oh, wow.

Oh god.

How (MUMBLES) do you think?

I've missed you.

I've missed you
too, oh my goddess.

Very nice to see.

So, how have you been?

Oh, it's been a bloody long
journey, I'll tell you that.

An Odyssey.

I didn't know
Greece was so big.

It's over now, you're home.

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWS)

It's good driving a car.

Don't you normally?

No, I do not.

He doesn't let you.

It's not a question
of letting me drive.

He likes to drive,

Its nice to be in
the driver's seat

I let him drive.

Fair enough.

I like to drive, I
like to be in control.

You got your hands at
10 to two that's good.

But, no, you can follow
the line, the racing line.

You brake into the
bend, accelerate out.

You're glad I'm here,
'cause you get to drive.

Yeah, 'cause I'm the boss.

(LAUGHS)

I am glad you're here
for a multitude of reasons.

It's strange to
be without the kids.

Welcome to my world,
is not you know.

You had a hard time.

It is hard, you
miss the kids, yes,.

I don't apologise for that.

No fun and games.

No, it's mostly fun and games.

Poor Steve, its
awful to lose your dad.

Amazing, natural bay.

See why Odysseus wanted
to get home, can't you?

- Look at that.
- Yeah.

We should come back
here when I'm in my 70s.

And I'm in my 60s?

I think in all likelihood
and please don't take this

the wrong way.

I do think by then I'll
have married again,

I live down the road.

Yeah.

And I'll be with a pilates
instructor in her mid...

Very live.

Oh very live, yes

- Very flexible.
- Very bendy.

A broad minded and now
you'll have my money.

- Good.
- So it's not all...

It's not all doom and gloom.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll have a nice
place down in Toquay.

Or here.

We're no not if I'm coming.

I wouldn't come here if
you were here, would I?

(LAUGHS)

I'd want to come
just me and Consuela.

Hi darling.

- CHLOE: Hi.
- Hello.

How are you?

CHLOE: Good, how are you?

Yeah, we're good.

- Hi, Chloe.
- Yeah, we're both here.

Mommy's here, she's arrived.

Yes, Penelope how
wonderful to see you again.

Gosh gotta get in a marital
bed after all these years.

Penelope is not a
very sexy name, is it?

Then I should call
you Penny, Money Penny.

Is Sally a sexy name?

I'd say so, I like
Sally's very sexy.

I'm sure she's sexy actually.

Very, very sexy, sexy Sally.

Thank you.

Very difficult to
share your information.

Your information?

No, I'm from Edinburgh, or
you shared your information.

No, I'm from
Edinburgh, all right.

- I can see...
- Please stop talking.

It's time to begin, right?

All goodness me.

I wonder what I left my phone.

(LAUGHS)

When I make love, I make
love for queen and country.

You know I admit, making love
to you, would be, pleasure.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Are you all right?

Yeah, are you?

Yeah.

I'll take that.

You got here quick.

Yeah.

Do you need a cup
of tea or anything?

Yeah, thanks.

Mum says, you can
have the spare room.

Great, good.

I'm sorry, I wasn't here.

That's okay.

STEVE: Were you with him?

Yeah.

Hello Steve.

Oh, hello.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

It's strange being back
here after all these years.

Yeah, I bet it is.

- How are you?
- I'm good, yeah, I'm good.

Thank you.

Hey, it's time to go see
granddad, at the undertakers

Do you want me
to come with you?

No, I'll be fine.

You'll stay here till
the funeral, won't you?

Well, thank you.

(SPEAKS FAINTLY)

Quite jagged on your feet.

(CAR ENGINE HUMMING)

He wept, as he held
the wife he loved,

sole discretion in
his arms at last.

Joy, warm is the joy

felt by shipwrecked
sailors, as they sight land.

Joyous too for her, the
sight of her husband,

vivid in her gaze.

So, wide arms, embracing his
neck, would never let him go.

I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.

I know.

I do love you.

You know that.

(CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYING)

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