Original subtitles

(WATER DROPLETS FALLING)

Yes. Yes.

Journey.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(SHOUTING) Dad?

Dad?

Journey.

I knew your devotion would prevail over all the rigour of the journey

and bring you to your father.

Am I to be allowed to look upon your face, my son?

To hear the voice I know so well

and answer it with my own.

I know how many lands you've travelled,

and how many seas you've sailed to get to me here.

Give me your hand.

(EXHALES)

(WATER SPLASHING)

ROB: Steve?

What… What are you doing?

Having a swim.

- We're supposed to go. - STEVE: What?

We're supposed to go.

ROB: Gonna be going near Olympia. Why don't we stop there?

STEVE: It's gonna be full of tourists, American tourists,

piling out of coaches.

The Olympic Games were held every four years

throughout classical antiquity.

The site is a major tourist attraction…

- (MUTTERS) - … and has two museums,

one devoted to the ancient and modern games.

We're not going there. We're going to, er, Pylos,

er, home of King Nestor.

(EXHALES)

(HUMMING TUNE)

Vangelis, Greek.

(HUMMING THEME FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE)

You're doing it like a horn, though. It was a piano.

♪ Glang-glang-glang-glang-glang-glang

Oh, sorry, "glang" is the word for piano.

♪ Glang-glang-glang-glang-glang

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

I'll be the percussion.

- ♪ Glang-glang-glang-glang-glang - (IMITATING PERCUSSION)

- ♪ Glang-glang-glang-glang-glang - (IMITATING PERCUSSION)

(BOTH CONTINUE)

Yeah.

Yeah, I hate… I hate that film.

Some posh students from Oxford

learn to run really quickly. The end.

I think there's a psychological disadvantage

just sitting in a passenger seat in a car.

The driver automatically assumes higher status.

I remember as a child there was a chap whose wife drove and he didn't.

And I remember thinking, "That poor guy."

To me, I thought he was completely emasculated.

- And, erm… - Mmm, mmm.

… that woman divorced that man who couldn't drive.

And in my head, even when I was a child, I always thought,

"If he'd learned to drive, he might still be married."

Yeah. The relationship I was in before, Sally, was a long one,

and when it ended, I was very bereft.

And I went to stay with my parents, and they said,

- "Well, let's go for a run in the car." - Oh, yeah, yeah.

And they drove down to West Wales,

but I was sitting in the back.

Oh, dear.

And, not only was I now without my relationship,

I was also a little boy in the back of the car.

And at one point near Carmarthen,

I had to say, "Stop, pull over."

And I made my mum get in the back.

STEVE: Look at that breathtaking view.

ROB: Coastal Pylos presides over the southern end of an immense bay.

So that bay, round there, was the site of the last

naval battle between sail ships, the Battle of Navarino,

when the British, French and Russians

fought and decimated the Ottoman navy,

even though the British were outnumbered, 4-to-1.

Was this the palace of King Nestor?

No, no. This is an old Ottoman fortress.

This dates from the Ottoman Empire.

ROB: At Ottoman Empire,

there are great savings on ottomans of all sizes.

Open bank holiday Monday,

put your feet up at Ottoman Empire.

Otterman. Half otter, half man.

New to the Marvel Comic Universe.

STEVE: Half man, half… ROB: You could play him.

- Half usable footstool storage facility. - ROB: Yeah.

ROB: "You heard what Steve's doing?" "No."

"He's playing Otterman." "What?"

- (STEVE CHUCKLES) - "Yeah. No, he thinks he can be good."

- (STEVE SNORTS) - "I read the script. It was awful."

"He's gonna do it." "Is he all right?"

- "I don't know." - (STEVE CONTINUES CHUCKLING)

"I'm worried about Steve.

"He was doing so well.

"And then he signed up for Otterman."

STEVE: Tell me a bit more about…

Tell me more about Steve Coogan's decision to play Otterman.

ROB: Well, this was towards the end of his life. And I think…

STEVE: (STUTTERING) But you said that.

I wanted to talk more about his talent.

ROB: Well, I mean talent is a very subjective thing, isn't it?

- I spent a lot of time with him. - We all know he was a great talent.

What we want to know is, why was he so great? So, please…

- You know, just expand on that. - Well, that's still a mystery to me.

- I mean, I spent a lot of… I didn't… - Yes, but…

We know it's a mystery to you.

STEVE: (CHUCKLING) What we want to know is what…

Can you encapsulate in a sentence

the genius of Steve Coogan?

ROB: No, I mean, I must say,

I met a lot of people over the years who didn't like him.

Should we get a bite here?

We don't really have time, do we, if we're gonna get the ferry?

If they're… If they're swift,

- it will be comfortable. - Have to be very swift, won't they?

- I don't want to miss the ferry. - Excuse me.

- STEVE: Hello. - Hello. Kalimera.

STEVE: Hi. Are you open, yeah?

- Er, just opening, but… - Hello, guys. Good morning.

- Welcome to Poseidonia. - Hi.

I'm Vasilis, the owner.

Hello, Vasilis. Oh, thank you so much.

You're very welcome, sir.

Er, what can I get you?

STEVE: Er, just something snacky.

VASILIS: Okay, okay.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Toasted breads,

- oregano and some olives. - Great.

- Taramasalata. Okay, this is fava beans. - Lovely.

The queen of everything…

- Oh, yes, super. - … this is tzatziki.

- What? - STEVE: Yes. Tzatziki.

- Great. - (CHUCKLES) We won't make this ferry.

First time you visit our place?

- ROB: First time in Pylos. - First time here in Pylos.

- In Pylos. - We've been travelling around Greece.

- VASILIS: So you're very lucky. - Yeah.

Because we have a lot of things to tell you about our place.

- BOTH: Yeah? - Yeah.

- A lot of things. - I know… I mean, I'm aware

- of the Battle of Navarino… - Oh, yeah.

… took place here.

- Yeah. - It was a milestone

- in the history of Greece in 1827. - It was.

- 1827? - 1827.

- 1827. - Yes, I know.

- 20th of October. - 20th of October.

- Yep, I know. - In 1827.

- Know the date. - Huge battle.

- A lot of casualties. - Yes, yes.

They start the fighting around 11:00

- in the morning… - Yes.

… till the end of afternoon.

The Russians heard about the cannons and the noise inside the bay

and they're coming with reinforcements,

to meet the whole fleet,

the alliance fleet, inside the Navarino Bay.

- Yeah, that's right. - So they entered with full of sails

- and attacking between the fleets and… - Well, of course.

But the Ottoman navy, they were anchored, weren't they?

- So they're sort of sitting ducks. - Exactly. Exactly.

If you do have any questions, feel free to ask him.

- VASILIS: He knows? - Oh, he knows about everything.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. I found my guy.

Yeah, exactly. Well, he doesn't know anything.

- (IN SPANISH ACCENT) I know nothing. - Don't do that.

I'm from Barcelona.

- I know nothing. - Stop it, mate. Don't do that.

And the main entrance to the bay is over here in the corner?

This is the main entrance and we have a small one, er,

between the two hills over there.

That was more shallow, yeah?

No, some points are very deep.

- Yes, not shallow at all. - Over here is deep as well.

- Yes, yes, yes, all deep. - All right.

No, it's very shallow. You can walk…

- Now it's shallow, but not then. - (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yes, but it's not… It's more shallow.

You're saying it was shallow then?

STEVE: More shallow than it is here.

ROB: Well, not in 1827. It was very different.

- You can walk across it as he just said. - Now…

- What our friend is saying, not then. - Okay, all right.

ROB: Wonderful. STEVE: Yeah.

- Well, let's tuck in. - VASILIS: Please.

- Tuck in. Thank you. - Thank you for the…

- Cheers, mate. - Thank you very much for the info.

- It was interesting, wasn't it? - Yeah.

I knew most of it already, but, you know, let him talk.

- You're good like that, aren't you? - Mmm.

- It's all about the other person. - Well.

- Let them feel good. - Yeah.

Oh, tomatoes. I love tomatoes.

This is Greek salad.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

You should try the Greek salad.

- Why are you not trying it? - I'm going to.

Well, don't go crazy. Just have a bit.

- Oh, God. - Mmm!

This is great.

Erm, it's very simple, very…

Oh, this is my favourite kind of food.

- Simple food, simple ingredients… - Simple food, simple ingredients…

- … simply prepared, simply cooked… - … simply prepared, simply cooked…

… simply delicious.

That could be your book.

"Steve Coogan's Simple Food."

Or, just "Steve Coogan's Simple."

Steve Coogan's Simple, available in store now.

Do you find that a lot of your thoughts

- descend into voiceovers? - Yes, I do.

For a limited period.

Yes, I do. For a limited period only.

Open bank holiday Monday.

See in store for details.

Now in bite size.

- With added aloe vera. - (CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

Now without sugar.

"Philadelphia with chives." That was me.

"Gaviscon Cool. What a feeling!" That was me.

- Really? - "Bounty, chase the exotic."

That was me.

"You know when you've been Tangoed." That was me.

It's such a rich, rich cultural landscape of voiceover experience.

Yeah. Thank…

- Oh, I see. I see. - (CHUCKLES)

Lured me in.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(BELL DINGS)

ROB: Bloody hell, if these are snacks… WAITRESS: Here is the fried calamari.

- Thank you. - And the grilled prawns.

Thank you. Could we get the bill at the same time, please?

- Yes, of course. - A little bit of a rush. Thank you.

STEVE: Oh, shall I squeeze some lemon on, eh?

(SMALL MAN IN BOX VOICE) Here we go.

I actually thought that was…

For the first time in my life, I thought,

"Shit, someone's trapped in a box."

(SMALL MAN IN BOX VOICE) Oh, my word, I don't know how you can do this.

I mean it's such an incredible thing.

Hi there, Steve, how many BAFTAs do you have?

And yet you still can't do this, can you, you motherfucker?

I think quite unpleasant there.

That's the small, rude man in a box.

ROB: We haven't got much time left. STEVE: No.

You gonna miss me?

Oh… Yes and no.

Yes and no? Bloody hell.

- I find you very entertaining, but… - Thank you.

- … you can be exhausting. - Exhausting? Me?

Good God, you should meet you.

STEVE: I have met me and we got on like a house on fire.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

Is that what they're saying it looked like?

- That looks like a sort of… - Yeah.

ROB: That's like halls of residence in a 1960s British university.

Whoa, and what's wrong with that?

That's modernism. It's utopian modernism. That is incredible.

That's 1200 BC.

That. So that's 800 years before the Parthenon.

On Grand Designs. Imagine Kevin McCloud going back to…

Yeah, and that's why it's amazing.

… see if they're happy with their underfloor heating.

We are beginning to feel the pinch, Kevin,

but we do want to see it through,

because, you know, it's our dream house.

STEVE: It's the same amount of time between that and the Parthenon,

as between the Alps and the building of Canterbury Cathedral.

- STEVE: "And as the sun sprang up… - Oh, you look very good there.

"… leaving the brilliant water in its wake…

ROB: You look like you've come to inspect for building regulations.

"… and climbed the bronze dawn to show light

"onto immortal gods and mortal men,

"the ship sailed into Pylos

"where people lined the beaches,

"sacrificing sleek black bulls to Poseidon."

Driving quite fast for a narrow road,

if you don't mind me saying.

Thank you. There's a shortcut.

That's not the road though, is it?

You can tell it's just the road here.

Are you allowed to do this?

- Am I allowed? - Yeah.

I was born allowed, mate.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Like Top Gear, this is.

- Without a… - That's a bit of a ridge here.

Whoa! Good Lord!

Without the prehistoric, Neanderthal world views.

STEVE: Well, this is it.

This is where King Nestor had a huge feast with Telemachus

2,500 years ago.

Is that why they call it "Ox Belly bay" 'cause of all the bulls they sacrificed?

- No, it's the shape of an ox's belly. - Yeah, I know.

Right, we've seen it. Let's go.

See the mouth of the bay there? I think I can swim that.

I could swim that. It's hardly the Hellespont, is it?

It's not even Assos to Lesbos.

I'll race you. Upper shoulder's better now.

You're not right. Come on. Seriously, let's go, let's go. Come on.

- (MOBILE RINGING) - Right.

Hello? Hello, Joe.

Hey, Dad, erm…

Hey.

It's… (SIGHS)

It's Grandad.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm really sorry.

- What? - I'm… I'm really sorry.

He's died. (SIGHS)

I'm… I'm sorry, Dad.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm…

I'm fine. Are you okay?

Yeah. Erm…

I'll come straight home.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right. (SIGHS) I'll see… I'll see you soon.

- Yeah, see you soon. - Love you.

Love you, too. Bye.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hey, Steve.

Hi, Emma.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

- Who… Who told you? - Joe called me.

Listen, I've checked all flights

and the best way home is to get on the ferry with Rob to Ithaca.

It stops at Sami in Cephalonia

and then you can get a direct flight back to Manchester, okay?

Okay, great.

Erm, Joe said that he's staying at Katherine's and for you to stay there.

Is that okay, or would you rather I book you a hotel?

Er, yes, if that's what Joe wants, I'll go straight there.

All right, okay.

Erm, well listen, sending lots of love, okay?

Okay. Yeah, bye.

Bye.

(SHUDDERING)

ROB: What's going on?

(SIGHS) My dad's died.

What?

Yeah. So, er, I've got to fly home.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

ROB: Erm, God, I'm sorry.

I'll… I'll drive.

STEVE: No, I… I wanna drive. I wanna keep busy.

Look at all these butterflies.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Refugees.

STEVE: Yeah. Poor sods.

Imagine living your life like that in a camp.

Can't get back home.

Not settled.

Living in limbo.

There… More. More there.

(SHIP HORN BLARES)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Sami.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

See, that's Ithaca.

Let's come back another day.

ROB: Yeah, we will.

Er, I better go and get my bags.

It's okay. I'll… I'll give you a call.

- Be strong. Yeah? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Give me a wave.

Looking good.

That's me.

I'm coming aboard!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

I don't love your mother!

I'm going to the airport, yeah.

- DRIVER: Yes, sir. - How long does it take?

DRIVER: Forty-five minutes approximately.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a bit windy!

You'll get blown away.

SALLY: Oh, wow!

SALLY: Oh, God, oh!

- How windy is it? - (LAUGHS) Hi.

Mwah.

- Come on, let me see your… (CHUCKLES) - I missed you, too. Oh, my goodness.

How nice to see you!

So, how has it been?

Oh, it's been a bloody long journey, I'll tell you that.

- An odyssey. - I didn't know Greece was so big.

It's over now. You're home.

Wow.

(SHIP HORN BLARES)

ROB: Nice to be driving the car.

- SALLY: Don't you normally? - No, I do not.

He doesn't let you?

It's not a question of letting me drive.

- He likes to drive, so I… - He's an expert in driving.

I let him drive.

Fair enough.

ROB: (IMITATES STEVE) I like to drive.

I like to drive. I like to be in control.

You've got to get your hands at ten to two, that's good.

(CHUCKLES)

But, er, no, you could follow the line, the racing line.

You brake into the bend, accelerate out.

You glad I'm here 'cause you get to drive?

- Yeah, 'cause I'm the boss. - (CHUCKLES)

I am glad you are here for a multitude of reasons.

It's so strange to be without the kids.

Welcome to my world. It's not, you know…

SALLY: Have you had a hard time?

ROB: It is hard, you miss the kids, yes. I don't…

Apologise for that.

Not all fun and games?

No. It's mostly fun and games.

Poor Steve.

It's awful to lose your dad.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

It's an amazing natural bay.

You can see why Odysseus wanted to get home, can't you?

- ROB: Look at it! - Yeah.

ROB: We should come back here when I'm in my seventies.

And I am in my sixties?

I think in all likelihood,

and please don't take this the wrong way,

I do think by then I'll have married again.

- I'll have done a Rod. - Yeah. Fair enough.

And I'll be with a Pilates instructor in her mid…

- Very lithe. - Mid… Oh, very, yes.

- Very lithe. Very bendy. - Very flexible.

- Very broad-minded. And… - Yes.

- Now, you'll have my money. - Good.

- So it's not all… - It's not all doom and gloom.

- No, no, no, no, no. - I'm glad about that.

You'll have a nice place down in Torquay.

- SALLY: Or here. - Well, no. Not if I'm coming

I wouldn't come here if you were here, would I?

(CHUCKLES)

I'd want to come just me and Consuela.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

SALLY: Hi, darling.

CHLOE: (ON PHONE) Hi. SALLY: Hello. How are you?

Good, how are you?

Yeah, we're… We're good.

ROB: Hi, Chloe. SALLY: Yeah, we're both here.

ROB: Mummy's here. She's arrived.

(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY) Ah, yes, er, Penelope.

How wonderful to see you again

in our, gosh, crikey marital bed after all these years.

Penelope is not a very sexy name, is it?

Then I shall call you "Penny".

Moneypenny.

Is Sally a sexy name?

(GRUNTS) Oh, I'd say so. I think Sally's very sexy.

I am sure she's sexy, actually.

Very, very sexy. Sexy Sally.

STEVE: Thank you.

"Very difficult to say euphemism."

"Euphemism?" "No, I'm from Edinburgh."

"Well, you said you were from Ism." "No, I'm from Edinburgh."

- "All right, I can see…" - SALLY: Please stop talking.

ROB: It's… It's time to begin. Right. Oh, goodness me.

- I wonder where I left my phone. - (LAUGHS)

And when I make love, I make love for Queen and Country.

Though I admit making love to you would be a pleasure.

Hey.

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

- And you? - Yeah.

I'll take that.

- You got here quick. - Yeah.

- Do you want a cup of tea or anything? - Yeah. Thanks.

And Mum says you can have the spare room.

Great. Good.

Erm, I'm sorry I wasn't here.

Mmm, that's okay.

Were you with him?

Yeah. Yeah, I was.

Hello, Steve.

Oh, hello.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah. It's strange being back here after all these years.

Yeah, I bet it is.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.

Hey, it's, er… It's time to go see Grandad

at the undertakers.

Do you want me to come with you?

Erm, no, I'll be fine.

You'll stay here till the funeral, won't you?

Well, yes. Yes, thank you.

(SIGHS)

ROB: Quite shallow here.

Er…

The walk is very… Ah! Very pebbly.

Oh, God. They're quite… Oh!

They're quite jagged on your feet.

Oh!

"He wept as he held the wife he loved,

"soul of discretion in his arms at last.

"Joy, warm as the joy felt by shipwrecked sailors

"as they sight land.

"Joyous, too, for her,

"the sight of her husband vivid in her gaze

"as her white arms embracing his neck

"would never let him go."

I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.

I know. (CHUCKLES)

I bloody love you. You know that?