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Norma, how long do you reckon it'll be for me to, you know,

get used to not having her around?

Oh, I suppose that's up to you.

I wasn't expecting her to go just like that.

Well, it's no good you going on about it.

- I'm not going on about it! - You're constantly whining.

I mean, my husband is lying there in a box

and you can't stop talking about your ex-girlfriend!

Yeah, but Uncle Vinnie had been ill for ages, hadn't he?

Well, he didn't leave you, did he? He's dead.

Don't look like that!

I mean, Zoe, she left me because she prefers not having me in her life,

that's worse in a way.

Well, Zoe gave you plenty of warning,

it's not like this came out of the blue like you're making out.

Now go get yourself dressed up before everyone arrives.

Excuse me, is it all right if I try this on?

- Through the back. - All right, cheers.

You look a right knob in a suit.

It's the way you're holding yourself, innit?

Look at you, you're all sort of stiff,

like a gingerbread man.

You know why that is don't you?

It's because you're not comfortable in smart clothes, you never have been.

It's not you is it, it's restricting, they're all tight, you can't stretch,

you can't move about. That's what it is.

Yeah, that's what I've never understood about James Bond,

when you think about the line of work he's involved in and he wears a suit.

Every day he's getting involved in a scrap

and fighting the enemy on top of a moving train

and he turns up to work wearing a tuxedo.

Fucking idiot.

He's meant to be, sort of, an undercover spy

and he's wandering around like he's been invited to the Oscars.

I tell you who got it right, Superman.

That's ideal clothing, nice and stretchy, light,

moveable, airy.

It's just when he added the cape I think he went a bit too far.

Oh, shut up.

I'm not Superman, am I? I'm not fighting the enemy, I'm just

- going to a funeral. - You know what's funny about this,

whenever Zoe asked you to wear a suit you never wore one.

She's gone hasn't she, so why start now?

That's more like it.

- Smart but casual. - Really?

You know that's just like a built-in collar, don't you?

It's not... It's not a full shirt, that.

You're getting about 8% of the shirt look.

It's just sewn in, there's no cuffs! They're taking the piss.

Yeah, well, less buttons. Saves time, doesn't it?

What do you mean saves time? What...

Mr Mega Busy over there, what do you mean saves time?

Jesus, what are you gonna buy next?

Some, like, trousers with built in underpants?

I'm going to take it.

I tell you what, you could use today as a way of meeting someone new, you know.

What, at a funeral?

When else are you gonna meet someone?

You don't have much else for a social life do you, so perfect.

And if you think about it, the other thing that normally lets you down

is that miserable face of yours,

not having a go but that's your default setting, isn't it?

That sort of, that sort of look.

Whereas today you can have that

because they're gonna think you look like that 'cause it's a funeral.

Think about it, makes sense. Let's face it,

you can't live with your Auntie the rest of your life, can you?

So get out there!

Just a thought.

- Don't you look smart. - All right, innit?

- How about a tie? - No, I'd rather not wear one.

- Why? - I just don't like 'em.

Oh, but it'd look so nice.

Yeah, I know, but they're a bit irritating.

I'm sure Vinnie had a black one you could have, I'll go get it...

I don't want a tie! I don't want a tie!

- Stop going on! - Why?

Because it's not real. There's no shirt there,

- it's just a built in collar. - What the hell is that?

When I walked in

you said how nice I looked, stop making a fuss.

Ties are pointless, they're a waste of material.

Sofa delivery.

Oh, you're having a laugh, aren't you?

Where do you want it?

Yeah, today's not good, to be honest with you.

Any chance you could sort of rearrange to get it sorted another time?

Yeah, I suppose so, that is doable.

You'll have to phone the office to rearrange.

All right, I'll do that. Cheers.

Just so you know, there will be a charge.

- For what? - To rearrange delivery.

Nah, he's taking the piss. I tell you what he's doing,

they do this so you send him off and you've got to pay him again.

But I've already paid for delivery.

Yeah, but that's for today's delivery.

Oh, I've got a funeral today.

Yeah, well I'm very sorry for your loss, but like I say,

there is a charge for redelivery.

It's �40.

Forty quid! Again?

Get him to bring it in.

Okay, all right. Bring it in now then. Fine.

God!

Couldn't you have them deliver it at a more appropriate time?

There's no room for it.

And there are a lot more people coming for the reception.

Yeah, but he charges forty quid each time he does a drop off.

And anyway, there's going to be more room once Uncle Vinnie's been shifted.

And the old sofa's gotta go.

Excuse me, this, I think you're taking this old sofa today.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's down here in... In the paperwork.

I've just got to check it out first.

Sorry for your loss.

Excuse me, ladies.

You've got a bit of problem here. There ain't no fire labels.

- So what does that mean? - I can't take it.

- But why? - Safety regulations.

Honestly, health and safety does me head in.

They'll be selling like safety goggles with fuckin' bacon next.

Look, can you sign for the new one

here and here?

Just so you know, you've got a 14-day return policy.

So what am I meant to do with it now then?

Well most people stick it on Gumtree or one of them sites.

There's always someone that's willing to take a risk.

Take a risk?

It's a sofa!

Where we going then?

It's only down the road, it's a little chaise.

Excuse me, fellas.

See you at the crematorium.

Thank you, thank you.

We're going now.

Would you take Marco and Sofia in your car?

Yeah. Just give me a minute, will you?

Just taking photos of the, erm,

sofa to put online.

This is barmy this, isn't it?

I mean, if they're gonna insist on driving this slowly

why don't they just throw all funerals in rush hour?

Eh?

We're causing a right tailback.

When you think about it, when we all eventually die,

the last thing we do before we're like, stuck in a hole or get set fire to,

is piss off other drivers. That's it, that's the last thing we do.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling about the sofa you've got online.

Oh, yeah. That was quick.

What colour is it? It's hard to tell on that photo.

It's, erm, sort of yellow. Yellow... Yellow checked.

A mustard yellow or a more lemony yellow?

It's just yellow.

Right, what sort of condition is it in? Any stains?

You do know it's free don't you?

Yeah, I noticed that, that's why I'm asking.

You wouldn't get shite for free normally.

I'll just come round for it now if that's all right.

Take it off your hands.

- Now? - What?

You having second thoughts?

I'm just in the middle... Is it...

Can you give us like 20 minutes? I'll be there as quick as I can.

Well, hurry up, won't you,

it's bloody free...

Norma. I'm gonna nip back to the flat.

Had a call about the old sofa, someone's gonna take it.

You're going to miss your uncle's funeral for a sofa?

No. I won't be long. Honestly, gonna get it moved

and then there's more room for everyone later isn't there,

for having the butties.

You didn't even need a new sofa.

We've been through all this, haven't we?

I just got to get shot of it. It's a constant reminder of Zoe.

Well, don't be too long, you don't want to let your uncle down.

Vinnie's not going to be bothered, is he?

It's his funeral, not his birthday party.

All right, mate. You here for the sofa?

- Yeah. - It's just through here.

Great.

I'm in a bit of a rush.

It's, erm, this one here.

Looked a bit better in the photo.

Well, it's the same one.

Cushions are a bit battered, aren't they?

Yeah, all right then. I'll take it off your hands.

You couldn't give us a hand, could you?

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

One, two...

Right, I'm clear.

- Right. Woah, woah, woah! - Woah, woah, woah!

- You got it? - Just... Can you slow down a minute,

- I'm still on the steps here. - Right.

All right? Clear.

There you go.

- Right, where you parked? - Eh?

Where you parked? Where's your van?

No, I haven't got a van. I thought you said you'd give me a hand.

Yeah. I meant just outside the house.

Oh, come on. It's just down the road two minutes.

He's a piss taker! Free sofa and free delivery.

You paid 40 quid to get yours dropped off!

Don't let it scrape on the side, will you.

Yeah, just keep going.

I'm... I'm against a wall, I can't go any more. You'll have to lift it up.

I'll go here, and you just swing it round to your end.

Woah, woah, woah! You're gonna rip the back.

Is there really no other way? Is this the quickest route, honestly?

This is gonna knock off a couple of minutes, actually.

It's like playing Pac-Man.

- Is it really that hard work? - Yes!

Can you lift it down? You're making

- it heavier. - I'm at the back,

- I'm carrying more weight here! - This is ridiculous.

Knobhead!

He just kicked me up the arse.

Can we just stop a sec.

All right, down.

I'm sweating like a bastard.

You're layering up, aren't you? Take your jumper off.

No I'll leave it on. I'll be all right in a minute, just need to get some air,

get some air under my arms.

Not much further, yeah?

Two minutes, I promise.

- All right, go on. - You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Two, three...

Right we're here.

Pop it down here.

That's great that,

I really appreciate it, thanks for that.

Go on, I'll give you a hand getting it in.

Erm...

- You Neil? - Yeah.

So this is it, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, condition's not as good as you said though, is it?

What did we say, 45?

Yeah, yeah, if you're happy with that?

There's no fire labels here.

I'll... I'll get you some fire labels.

But it still won't be fireproof, will it?

Thirty-five?

Look, sorry to waste your time, lads.

- It's not for me. - Ah, fuck's sake.

Cheeky bastard! Getting a sofa for free

and then trying to sell it on. I thought I was helping you out.

Don't give me that shit, mate, it wasn't about helping out, was it?

You just wanted to get rid of it.

Oi! Wait, wait. Hey! You can't leave it here.

Just leave it for the council, they'll take it.

You can't just chuck it away!

You aren't gonna get nothing for this, it's a piece of shit, mate.

Just a piece of shit? It was worth 45 quid about two minutes ago.

I'm not leaving it here, I got this with me ex.

What, she leave you for someone with a better taste in sofas?

What are you moaning about? It's just a bloody sofa.

It's just a sofa to you, it isn't to me. It's ten years of my life this.

Just chucking it away, it's like... Like it never happened.

Do you know what,

you should just keep it.

This obviously means so much to you.

I don't know why you were giving it away in the first place.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I bought a new one.

It's been nothing but a ball ache.

Can you do us a favour?

Take it back?

Yeah, man, course. Grab hold.

- That'll be twenty quid. - Eh?

Well, delivery firm will charge you 40.

Ah you... Twenty quid.

I'm saving you money and helping you out!

Not really, no, because it wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, would it?

Hang on. Hang on.

I better get this. Hello?

Where are you?

There's been a slight change of plan.

The service is about to start. Are you on your way?

I'll be there in a bit, I'm taking the sofa back.

I thought you said some guy was gonna take it?

Yeah, I changed my mind.

I'm gonna keep that, and get the money back and then

treat Zoe to a nice weekend away or something, you know,

a sit-down dinner somewhere, sort of charm her back.

You're the only man I know that has an on-off relationship with a sofa.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

- Right, come on, let's get a move on. - Good, come on.

Do we have to go all the way back?

Yeah. All the way, yeah.

And you can give us a hand getting it in.

I think I'd like to have a barge one day, you know,

it's the dream, innit? Just go anywhere on a barge.

It's water, innit? It's where all life began.

I don't understand why you're looking so happy.

You basically just give some bloke twenty quid

to take your sofa for a walk.

I thought we'd decided?

I thought the whole point was getting rid of the old sofa,

get the new sofa, and move on.

It's not the sofa I've got to change, is it? It's me who's got to change.

Can you just listen to me for a minute?

No. I'm not gonna listen to you, I'm sick of listening to you.

That's your problem, you keep talking but you're not listening to anyone else.

I mean, look what happened with Zoe,

I was thinking about it when she brought up marriage that time,

what did you do?

You just closed the door on it.

Like, "Oh, no. Oh, no, that's not for me, is it?"

Then it was kids, you nipped that in the bud, you didn't wanna know.

You just never listened to what she wanted,

and in the end that's probably why she fucked off.

You're just too negative.

Yeah, but hang on a minute, that's how we work isn't it?

I'm too negative, you're too positive.

Like a battery, it wouldn't work with both ends being positive, would it?

I'm meant to be at my uncle's funeral today.

Yeah?

They'll be cremating me if I don't get a drink.

- You thirsty? - Gasping.

Look, Harrow Road's over there, you can get anything you want.

Get a bit of food if you want. A bit of Turkish pizza or something.

Here, pop it down here.

I'll sort it out and go get it.

Yeah? Just a Coke, yeah. Cheers.

- Nowt to eat? - And a banana if they've got one.

Can I have some money?

I gave you twenty before!

Yeah. But that's for the delivery of the sofa, innit?

Yeah, all right then. There. Banana and a Coke.

Is it all right if I get something as well?

Yeah, yeah, why not, yeah. Treat yourself.

Just be quick, yeah.

Brilliant. Two minutes.

Oh, hiya. I wonder if you can help me, I had a sofa delivered this morning.

I want to say thank you very much

for taking the trouble to be here for Vincent, well, Vinnie,

as I think most of you would have known him.

I'm not here. Leave a message.

Where are you?

The service is starting and you're not here.

I know that our thoughts are very much

with Norma, and, erm, his favourite nephew Karl.

The person you are calling

knows you are waiting, please hold the line.

The person you are calling knows you are waiting,

- please hold the line. - What?

Did you honestly think he was going to come trotting back

with a nice little picnic for both of you?

He's sodded off with your money, you knobhead!

Honestly, can we just get to the funeral?

All this sofa stuff has been nothing but hassle.

You've got to move on.

God, look at Norma, she's cremating her husband today

and she's not moping about like this, is she?

You could learn from her.

Someone got this odd thing in your head that by keeping that sofa,

Zoe's gonna come back, it's not gonna happen.

You've got to let go of the sofa, and let go of Zoe.

All you seem to be good at letting go of is twenty quid notes.

Miss me a little,

but not for long.

And not with your head bowed low.

Remember the love that once we shared.

Miss me, but let me go.

Oi!

Twats!

For this is a journey we all must take.

And each must go alone.

It's all part of the master plan.

A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely

and sick at heart.

Go to the friends we know.

Laugh at all the things we used to do.

Miss me,

but let me go.

Hello?

All right, mate. I've just seen the sofa online.

What kind of condition is it?