Original subtitles

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Morning. Morning.

Sorry for your loss. Cheers.

Do you mind signing this, please?

There you go. Thank you. All right, see ya. Ta-ra.

Welcome home, Norma.

You're still getting post, look.

I'll say goodbye to all my sorrows

And by tomorrow...

RUBY: The stuff on the left in the binbags is for the charity shop,

and the stuff on the right is for the skip.

The shampoos, make-up, perfumes. All right.

When it comes to death, I reckon the Egyptians got it right.

What was the name of that little sort of king fella? Tutankhamun.

Yeah. You know, when he died, there was none of this

fannying about. No-one was going through his stuff saying,

you know, keep that but take that to the charity shop.

They just buried the lot with him.

Shame they can't do the same with cremations, innit?

Could've just stuck this lot, and Norma, in the furnace.

Job done.

Ooh! Should you be doing that in front of Norma?

Just giving her one last chance to see it all, before I get rid of it.

Have you booked her a flight? I went into the solicitors.

He said I don't have to bother with all that stuff,

the ashes in New York and that. It's not legally binding.

What, and you'd be happy with that, would you?

Knowing it's the last thing she ever wanted. It's mental, though.

Have you seen the amount of places she wants to be scattered?

Gonna be dotted about more locations than Starbucks!

It's not that bad! It's only three different spots.

But still, it's still three different places.

Don't you think it's a bit weird? You don't do that

when you get buried, do you? You can't start requesting

that your head gets buried on one side of town

and your feet on another. You're put in one hole!

Why is it any different with ashes? Well, if you won't do it for Norma,

then I will.

I just was saying it's daft. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

But you went to the solicitors to ask the question.

I'll do it. (LAUGHS) I don't trust you!

I'm Zizi. Oh, Ruby. Nice to meet you!

Be honest. You're glad she tagged along, aren't you?

Been thinking about it. I reckon I'm too old for her.

You're always coming up with excuses, aren't you?

You don't even know how old she is! I'll tell you now, she's under 30.

It wouldn't work. And anyway, she's still with Adam.

And he's told me to back off, so I don't know why I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, and she's ignored him, hasn't she?

Invited herself on the trip. It's not going to last,

that relationship. They're always arguing.

How old do you think she is? Could be like 28.

Too young, innit? That's only about 15 years younger than you.

So, that means when I was doing me paper round,

listening to The Housemartins, she was, like, just about to swim

out of her dad's bollocks. You don't think that's weird?

Yeah. It'd be weird if you knocked about with her

whilst she was a sperm, but she's not that now, is she?

15 years is nothing these days. This isn't a date, is it?

She's coming along cos she doesn't trust me with Norma's ashes.

Hey, Ruby. What film do you think of

when you see the Empire State Building? Hm.

Probably Sleepless In Seattle.

You see that in the cinema, did you? When it first came out.

God, no! How old do you think I am?

Anyway, what film were you thinking about? King Kong.

King Kong? Yeah, King Kong.

The idea of this massive gorilla falls in love with a woman.

The relationship would never work. I was in tears at the end of that.

You know the bit when it falls off, they shoot it down, don't they?

Falls to its death. They had to shoot it down.

He was using the Empire State Building as a climbing frame.

Yeah, but it wasn't the ape's fault, was it?

He didn't book his ticket and come over here.

Some fella brought it over to make money out of it.

New York is no place for a giant ape.

Anyway, you probably only watched it because you fancied Naomi Watts.

What are you talking about? Hm? What do you mean, hm?

The blonde one, in King Kong.

You're talking about the modern version.

I'm talking about the classic one, the black and white one.

Didn't even know there was a black and white one.

What are you talking about, Adam? I told you two weeks ago,

so don't pretend you don't know. OK, now you're being a bullshitter.

Fucking bollocks, Adam!

I don't give a shit.

No, we're not sharing a room. We're not sharing a bloody toothbrush!

WOMAN: Don't touch me, you fuckin' creep! Who is she?

You told me you were working overtime!

MAN: Calm down, it was nothing!

RUBY: Adam, the whole Norma thing is a bit stressful for him.

He hasn't grieved yet, that's why I'm here.

Yeah. When he scatters the ashes, it might hit him. And if he doesn't

have anyone here, he might do something he doesn't want to do.

Karl, it's me.

Karl?

Don't know why they call this place the Big Apple.

I was looking at 'em, in the buffet area.

I'd say they're the same size as the ones we have at home.

(YAWNS)

Sorry, am I boring you a bit, or what? No!

I went out last night, ended up in a club till about 4am.

Haven't danced in ages. What, you danced?

Yeah.

I did! Honestly, I used to have all the moves.

Bit of popping, bit of robotics!

Oh, aye.

So, we're looking for Jack and Elsa Singer.

Daft, innit? How they call Earth the living planet.

When there's got to be more dead on it than living.

Like trying to find a mate's motor in a multi-storey car park.

Look at the state of it.

Right mess, innit?

Right. Where should I put her?

Karl, is that a sugar shaker? Yeah.

Is Norma in the sugar shaker?!

Makes it easier to sprinkle, don't it?

You're really not taking this seriously, are you?

That's all right, innit? No, no, that's not enough.

What you mean, it's not enough? We're not making a cake!

Yeah, a little bit more.

That's good.

Would you like a moment to yourself?

No! Not gonna start crying. Well, you did for King Kong.

That was different though, weren't it? Oh, remember, we've still got to

give some of those ashes to Norma's sister. Can't give it

in a sugar shaker, can we?

We'll give them to her in this, then. It's not being used, is it?

(MOBILE RINGING)

I can't talk right now!

I'm at the cemetery, sprinkling some Norma. What do you want?

Thank you.

(KNOCKING)

Hiya, Rhonda. I'm Karl, your nephew.

Oh! Is Norma with you?

(SIGHS) Norma is dead, Ma.

And I'm Eddie, and I'm about to kill myself.

Come on in. Sorry, the place is a shithole.

She doesn't have the energy to clean up any more.

Norma wanted you to have this.

Oh, it's lovely!

It's a shame she couldn't bring it herself.

(GROANS) She is dead!

Normi didn't tell me I had a niece.

Is that you there? You're a spitting image of Norma.

Ah! People used to... Has she got Alzheimer's?

Oh, you noticed? It's driving me crazy.

If she's got memory loss, every time you tell her Norma's dead,

she has to grieve again.

It's probably best just to say she's not visiting this time.

She'll forget again anyway.

Oh, OK. Uh, my bad, Mom. Norma's not dead.

Uh, she just doesn't like visiting you.

I guess.

I tried calling Norma, but she never picks up!

It's probably cos they got shit cell phone reception in hell.

Is it all right if I use your toilet?

(SOLO PIANO PLAYING)

(RUBY AND RHONDA LAUGH)

..two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. Three? There we go!

Oh! A dime!

Oh? And three. Oh, look, Karl.

Norma taught Rhonda all her moves.

That means Norma must've sucked at dancing, too.

Ooh, ooh! (LAUGHS)

Are you a fan of Supertramp, then? What?

T-shirt, Supertramp, the band.

I'm a fan of the T-shirt. What's Supertramp? Is that a film?

You winding me up? You've not heard of Supertramp, the band?

Massive in the '70s, they did, like, Breakfast In America,

and Give A Little Bit.

Supertramp is probably her nickname, dating an old stooge like you.

I'm not dating her. She was Norma's carer.

Oh, all right. That makes more sense.

One, two, three... Though you were boxing

outside your weight with that one.

Hey, Ma! Try twerking.

Work that ass!

Work that ass!

What's the deal with this, then? How do you share it out?

Never had a sharing platter before. Of course you haven't.

That's cos you're always alone. Now you've got me to share it with.

And me! (CRUNCHES)

All right. They oysters, are they? They look rank!

Just picture it with hair around it.

How will you know if you like them or not if you don't

give them a chance? Or if you're too scared to eat one,

just take one home with you.

I can see a oyster being a suitable pet for a guy like you.

No, don't chew it! You've got to swallow it.

Jesus Christ! All the fish in the sea, why we eating that?

Are you OK? That's horrible.

Cheers.

Eddie, the reason I asked you to come along,

I wanted to speak to you about Norma's flat.

I don't know if you know... Yeah, she left it to Rhonda.

I don't know how you didn't get your name in the will,

but you managed to fuck that up.

I didn't think about it, did I? But I'm just wondering whether

Rhonda would be into the idea of renting it to me,

sort of family rates. Karl, what do you think that place is worth?

For rent? You're looking at... No, to sell, you lunkhead!

London property is over-the-moon expensive.

What do you think I'm going to get for that place?

I don't know. It could be sat empty for a bit as well,

you're losing money. So, this would give you, like,

an instant regular income. He's a good tenant. I can vouch for him.

Yeah, men, we're talking here. Karl, it's a three-bedroom flat

in a decent neighbourhood.

You gotta expect I'll get at least a million dollars for that.

Maybe, once it's done up. But it could take time, could it?

Let me put it this way. How quickly do you think

you could pack your shit?

(MOBILE RINGS) One second.

What, are you stealing sugar shakers?

What are you, my grandmother?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Karl, but cheers.

No problem.

All right, uh... What do you say you settle up this bill?

And I am gonna go destroy a toilet,

and think about how long I'll let you stay in my building.

He's taking the piss. Let's go. I can't just go.

Come on! Bollocks to him. If he's gonna make you homeless,

he can at least pay for this fucking meal.

(LAUGHS)

Hurry up, old man!

I've got a stitch. Jesus Christ!

Whoo!

Watch the road!

Whoo! We're in New York!

So, this is where Norma had her first kiss.

I remember, she told me once.

She thought she could get pregnant from a kiss!

Yeah, she told you about that on the pedalo, didn't she?

First day you met her. And you.

That's that, then.

Why don't we toast Norma? To Norma.

(HIP-HOP PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)

I like this one.

I'm surprised you haven't heard of Supertramp. No.

Still baffled by that. Here, let me play you some.

Cup hold of that.

You'll like this.

Definitely not heard of them, no? No.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES)

That's good. All right, innit? Yeah.

Shall we dance? No.

Come on! No, just listen to it sat here. What's wrong with you?

Come on, you missed out last night. It's not that sort of...

I'm gonna dance. Come on! There's no-one dancing.

We're not at a wedding! Come on.

..goodbye, Mary Goodbye, Jane

Will we ever meet again?

Feel no sorrow, feel no shame

Come tomorrow, feel no pain

So now I'm leaving Goodbye, Mary

Got to go Goodbye, Jane

Hit the road Will we ever

I'll say it once again Meet again?

So goodbye, Mary, goodbye, Jane Goodbye, Mary, goodbye, Jane

Will we ever Will we ever

? Meet again? ? Meet again? ?

(RETCHES) Jesus! Can't handle your drink, can you?

Well, I don't think it's the drink. I only had a couple.

God, it must be the oysters!

I feel all right and I had virtually the same as you.

(RETCHES, COUGHS)

Maybe it was the oysters. Ugh! Weird thing is they look the same now

as they did before you ate them.

You all right? No!

(TV BLARING) My God!

Karl? Karl!

What? Switch to Channel 39. The old gorilla man is on TV.

39? Yeah.

This is it. A classic, this! It doesn't even look real.

It's pretty hard to find a real 40ft ape that can act, innit?

God, you cried to this?!

You haven't watched it from the beginning, have you?

You haven't seen the relationship built between the pair of them.

You can't just dip in. And look at the state of it.

It looks like he's made out of plasticine!

I can't even take him seriously.

Karl?

Why don't you come in here and we can watch the rest of this together?

It's kind of stupid that there's a door between us.

Karl, did you hear what I said?

(RETCHES, COUGHS)

Are you coming?

You're right. I think I did have too much to drink.

Gonna get me head down, Ruby. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah. Good night.

I didn't see the end of King Kong last night.

I was busy throwing up. Oh, really?

So, I was talking to myself, then? It was definitely those oysters.

Grim.

It's a shame it was such a short visit.

INNER SELF: Did you hear her? Here's your chance.

Ask her if she wants to do it again.

Yeah, it was all right, weren't it?

(MUTTERS)

So, what were Norma and Vinnie like together?

Yeah, they loved each other, a lot.

Oh. Yeah, all over each other. Really? Yeah, right up till the end.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Physically? Pretty active, yeah! Wow!

Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing.

There was this one time, when

Norma said to Vinnie, "Can you nibble me ears?

"Like you used to when we were younger."

And he got up, walked off, and she's like, "Where you going?

"I've asked you to nibble me ears."

And he said, "Oh, I'm just going off to get me teeth!"

(LAUGHS)

Shh, shh!

Yeah. They were... Aw.

..well into each other. That's really special.

Yeah.

How long are you going to leave it before you say something?

It'd be a little bit awkward, asking her out, if she said no.

There's like another four hours of the flight left.

And what about this Adam fella?

He's not your problem, is he? Just ask her out, will you?

Right, that answers that then, doesn't it? She's 30.

So, no excuses. Ask her on the drive home.

I'm going to cancel my gym class tomorrow.

I'm just going to sleep in all day.

You know what, Karl? I think I'm going to call a taxi.

Don't be daft. I'll give you a lift. I've got my car here.

Oh, it's fine. You must be as tired as I am.

Look, if you're gonna shoot off, I just want to ask you something.

Do you think...? Adam! What are you doing here?

Just thought I'd surprise you!

Oh, so you're Karl, then? You're older than I thought.

I can take this.

I booked her somewhere nice for lunch. Do you fancy seafood?

(MOBILE RINGS)

All right, Ruby? RUBY: (ON PHONE) Hi, Karl.

You all right? Yeah, not bad. You? Yeah. Good, thanks.

Erm, listen, I just remembered I've still got Norma's key to the flat.

Oh, right, you want to just pop it in the post, then?

Oh, erm, I was just thinking maybe we could meet up

next week, for lunch. I could give you the key, then?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, definitely! OK.

Yeah, where do you want to go? Um, Jeffries?

All right then, yeah. I'm not having the fish, though! (LAUGHS)

It was late last night

I was feeling something wasn't right

There was not another soul in sight

Only you, only you

So, we walked along

? Though I knew that there was something wrong... ?

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