Original subtitles

(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

So, you ready to order yet? Yeah, yeah.

Can I get the ravioli to start, please?

And then, I'll have the, uh, lamb chops.

And some chunky chips as well, please.

You haven't even spent 50 quid yet. That voucher you've got

is worth 100. You know what it's like, they don't give you change

for a voucher. So, keep going. Order some more.

Can I get the sirloin steak as well, please.

That's also a main course. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

What you at now? That's about 75. Keep going!

And some mashed potato? Instead of the chips?

No, with the chips.

OK.

Anything else?

Uh, no, no.

I'll leave some space for pudding. Cheers.

I'm gonna need someone to help me

I'm gonna need somebody's hand

I'm gonna need someone to hold me down

I'm gonna need someone to care

? Oh, oh... ?

Look at ya. Getting a right meat sweat on!

You know what you should've done? Invited Ruby.

I know you like her. You've been dreaming about her, haven't you?

And I reckon when she invited you to stay in her bed,

she knew exactly what she was doing. Nah.

I'm telling you, she was testing the water!

Not worth thinking about. She's with someone, isn't she?

Yeah, but have you seen the way she speaks to him sometimes?

It's hardly the perfect relationship, is it? She likes you.

I don't know. Got enough on my plate.

I can see that. Greedy bastard!

(GROANS) I feel sick!

(PUFFS)

Hiya. Can I get a box for the cake, please?

And I've got a voucher.

I'm sorry, sir. It's past its use-by date.

It states here at the back that it expired nine months ago.

It's only valid for a year.

Let me have a look.

I can't read that! Why is the print so small?

Well, I can read it. Use-by date?

Why has a voucher got a use-by date?

It's not a pint of milk, is it? It don't go off!

Piss-takers.

She stands by the lights at the front of the audience

Smile on her face, just taking in their every glance...

I can't believe it's been that long since Norma bought you the voucher.

I know. She got you that, so you'd have a night out with Zoe.

Yeah, but she left before I got a chance to use it, though, didn't she?

A lot's changed for her, hasn't it? Eh? Got a new fella. Got a kid.

What have you been doing? Nothing.

Just hanging around, waiting to die.

That's what we're all doing though, innit?

The earth is just like one big waiting room for death.

Jesus, what a moody bastard!

Well, how about trying to enjoy that wait? Eh?

Just a little bit. How about asking Ruby out?

Cos I know that's what you want. But I don't know she likes me

or not, though, do I? Well, ask her then. Just find out.

(SIGHS) Otherwise, you're gonna end up like that voucher.

Out of date and unusable.

Hi, Ruby. Hey, Karl.

Oh, there's some stew left in the pan, if you're hungry.

I'm all right. Norma got me a voucher for meal for two

at Jeffries, so been eating there.

That's so nice!

And who did you go with? Eh?

Sorry, it's none of my business.

Anyway, whoever it is, she's a very lucky woman.

You think so? Yes.

I'd love to go to Jeffries. Well, if you go there again

and your date lets you down, then just call me.

Shouldn't it be Adam who's taking you out for something to eat?

Yeah, he should be taking me out.

Why isn't he, then? Always comes up with excuses.

It's got worse since I told him you slept in my bed.

You told him? You gave him the full story, yeah?

He knows that I was staying there and you were staying there

cos I'd been keeping Norma awake? No, I don't have to explain

the full story. If he wants to jump to conclusions,

that's his problem. Anyway, let him think we're running off together.

Why would you want him to think that? It might make him

appreciate me more. Yeah. Listen, Ruby. I'm not happy with that.

Oh, stop worrying! Makes your head wrinkle.

No, I'm serious. Don't be using me as a way of, like,

fixing your relationship up. Oh, I love cream cake!

Yeah, I like cream cakes. Yeah, they are nice. They're mine.

Hands off. There's two slices in there. Yeah, for me.

Wait, you didn't give one to your date.

That's not a very good way to treat a woman, is it?

Right, I'm taking relationship advice off you, am I?

You're having a laugh. I'm just saying,

it's not good to come across greedy and selfish.

(SMACKS LIPS) Ruby, you've been using my mug again. Oh, here we go.

Well, you definitely have. How can you even tell? Because it stinks!

It's Earl Grey. You're the only one in here...

I cleaned it. I was using that one anyway! The smell lingers...

No way. Just calm... Don't use me mug! Hey, hey, hey!

Come on, now. Don't be falling out about a mug.

You're using my mug. I'm sorry, Norma.

You keep an eye on her, because she may prove very useful...

INNER SELF: I don't know any more. I mean, is she just using you

to sort of make Adam jealous? Is that what she's playing at?

Or was that a way of letting you know that everything's

not good with Adam. Sort of paving the way for you?

I just don't know.

People say, don't they? When it comes to love,

you should listen to your heart. But that's not my department, is it?

I haven't got a clue what to do in this sort of situation.

You might as well have a chat with your kidney.

Think that's got more of an idea of what's going on here than I have.

Norma, is there anything I can do for you?

Yes. You can apologise to Ruby.

For what? Your behaviour.

You've been bickering like an old married couple.

He wishes. I'm not apologising. Been doing me head in.

Why? Cos she used your mug? It's not just that though, is it?

Well, what was it?

I don't know, she's getting too familiar, isn't she?

Nicking some of me cake earlier, sticking her fingers in there.

No wonder you have a problem finding women if you won't share

your cake with them! Call her and apologise.

No chance, I'm not calling her. Call her. I'm not calling her!

Come on, call her. Right, I'll send her a text, then. Yeah?

Listen. Keep it simple. Don't go overboard

cos she knows you're not like that. Just say,

"Sorry I upset you earlier. I should have let you have my cream cake."

Done. Happy now?

ADAM: How long's this been going on?

RUBY: It's like you don't even trust me. Don't treat me like an idiot!

He stays in your bed and then you tell me there's nothing going on?

..so he slept here, and I slept there. That's it.

What a load of nonsense! Do you honestly think...?

Hey, don't be knocking! Jesus, now is not the time

to start introducing yourself. Yeah, but he thinks I'm seeing her.

Well, you are kind of, aren't you? In your dreams. It's what you want.

There's no point lying. You're trying to make me jealous.

I've had enough of this! What do you mean...?! Shit!

Bye! Dickhead! (DOOR SLAMS)

(FOOTSTEPS) No-good wanker!

(DOOR CREAKS)

What?!

Oh, it's you. Come in.

You all right? (SIGHS)

Adam's just been. Oh, could've said hello.

You couldn't have said hello. He's still pissed off

about you sleeping in my bed. That text message you sent me

didn't help. What, I can't send you a text?

"Sorry if I upset you earlier. I should have let you

"have my creamy cock." I mean, why would you send me

something like that, Karl? Creamy cock? I didn't write that.

Oh, really? Then who did, Norma? No, I mean, I didn't write that.

It's predictive text, innit? You check your messages

before you send them? Yeah, I do check 'em, yeah.

It's just that font's small. My eyes haven't been that good of late.

(SIRENS WAIL OUTSIDE)

So, what's happening, then? Are you two sort of finished?

What? No! God, I don't know.

Do you want me to look after Norma today?

Whilst you sort stuff out, you know. Think things through.

Would you do that? Yeah.

Oh, shit! No, I remembered. I've got Norma's massage.

Fine, I'll just tell her that you're not feeling too good. Yeah?

Right, well, look. A little bit of creamy cock to cheer you up.

I'll see you later, yeah?

Showing your caring side.

You might still be in with a chance there, you know.

Yeah, but is she what I really want, though?

You are.

Well, do I only like her because it's the easy option?

You know what I mean? It's not like I met her in a bar

or through some common interest.

Norma picked her. What difference does it make how you meet someone?

You know, Hitler married his personal assistant.

Right. That ended well, didn't it? You seem to have forgotten,

when she first come round to look after Norma, I couldn't stand her.

It was hardly love at first sight.

It's not gonna be love at first sight for you, is it?

Your eyes are shite.

NORMA: We haven't been out like this for ages.

No, we haven't, have we? What is it you're looking for, anyway?

Mm, nothing.

Nothing? What have we come for, then?

Well, I like to look. I might find something I like,

but you can't always know until you see it.

But you always see something, though, don't you?

I've never known you to go out shopping and come home

with an empty bag. Put it that way.

How's it work with you, anyway? When you see something you fancy,

do you take a minute to consider how much you need that thing

before you actually just go ahead and buy it?

That's your problem. You think about things too much.

If you see something you like, just go for it.

You might be right. Oh, look!

We could buy you another mug. Stop you and Ruby fighting.

No, it doesn't matter. I was being daft.

I'm happy to share it with her.

Hiya! Hiya.

Are these reading glasses? Yeah. Do you want to try them on?

If that's all right, yeah. Been having problems with my eyes!

Wow. What? They look really good!

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Brings out your bone structure.

Oh, sorry. Have a look, see what I'm talking about.

Glasses make men look so distinguished!

Yeah. I suppose they do.

OK. Close your eyes. Close them? Yeah!

Uh...

OK. Keep 'em closed!

Outrageous! Oh, my God.

OK...

Have a look.

Oh, wow! Yeah.

Very handsome. Don't know, think I preferred the others.

No, no! Trust me. Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, God, look in the mirror. What do you see?

Just me, with glasses on.

Look again!

You look like a poet.

Like a hot poet.

Yeah, all right. I'll take 'em. Oh, great! OK.

Look at you! Looking well happy with yourself.

Like a dog with two dicks! All these women lining up for you.

Tell you what, though. As nice as she was,

don't go messing things up with Ruby, will you?

She's the one you want, in't she? Really.

Should nip round there, you know. See if she wants to go out

for something to eat. Maybe take her to Jeffries.

She wants to go there, doesn't she?

(TRAD JAZZ PLAYS) Thanks for the dance.

Made me feel like I was in my 20s again.

Unfortunately, my legs don't feel the same way!

You look all right to me. Well, thanks, babe. Cheers.

Haven't danced like that in ages. I'm gonna pay for it later.

I could use a massage. I'll pop round, see if Ruby's feeling better.

(PUFFS) I got butterflies in me stomach.

INNER SELF: Surprised you've got room for butterflies in there,

after eating ravioli, lambchop, steak, chips and mash last night.

Anyway, calm down, will you? All you're doing is offering her

an out for someone to eat. It's normal, just what friends do.

Yeah. Don't know. Don't start bailing out now.

If she has finished without Adam, she's not going be single for long.

It's like when a decent house comes on the market.

You gotta be quick before someone else comes in and nabs it.

In fact, look at Ruby as a house. Is it the house you want?

Exactly! So, get in there, put an offer in,

before you get gazumped.

(KNOCKS)

Hey! Jesus. Things got that bad with Adam?

No! Come in.

So, you've already sorted out your dinner, then? Yeah.

Oh!

Adam sent me a text.

Aw, look at you with your glasses on! Just like Gandhi.

"Sorry I've been a bit of an idiot. I only want to be with you.

"Can we start again? Love, Adam."

No spelling mistakes either.

It's all back on again, is it?

Yeah, it's looking good.

I suppose that means you can go and massage Norma then, doesn't it?

Huh? Well, now it's all good, it's all back on, you're all happy,

you can come and massage Norma. No.

I thought I could have the day off. That's what you said. Yeah.

I gave you the day off, so you can sort stuff out and everything.

You have done, everything's rosy now. So, you can come and massage Norma.

No, Adam's coming over. That's why I'm cooking!

All right, the cake, then. I want me cake. Give us the cake back.

It's in the fridge, but we were going to share it for dessert.

No chance. I gave you that to cheer you up.

I need cheering up now, I want the cake back.

Why? What's wrong? Nothing's wrong! I just want me cake back.

And I'll have to take the massage table, cos you're not doing it,

clearly, are you, for Norma? So, I'll have to do it.

(KNOCKING) ADAM: Food!

Shit, it's Adam! You've got to go.

Just go, go! Well, what's the problem?

Nothing's going on between... But if he sees you,

he'll think there is something going on.

Sit down and write a song... (ADAM LAUGHS)

Wait till the days grow long

And wait for the autumn wind

? To blow me away... ?

Hello, again. Hi there, you OK?

Yeah, I bought some glasses earlier.

I don't do refunds, sorry. All sales are final.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

Listen, I just wondered if you want to share some cake?

Sorry, what was that?

Oh! Look at that!

You look so good!

Yes! You've got to get them. My God, they're amazing.

Yeah, have a look. Wow.

Yeah, they look really good on you...

(MOBILE RINGS)

All right, Ruby? RUBY: (ON PHONE) Karl, you left your glasses here,

didn't you? Yeah. Can you just drop 'em off next time

you can be bothered to look after Norma? Adam found them!

Can you explain there's nothing going on between us?

I'm putting him on. No, don't be putting him on.

I told you, I don't wanna get involved in any of this.

ADAM: Is that Karl? Yeah. Have you been seeing Ruby? No.

Can you explain why your glasses are here?

Why you sent her a dirty text message, why you slept in her bed?

Listen, how about I give you some "whys" to answer, eh?

Why's she gonna run off with me? Eh? Why's she gonna run off

with a bald bloke who's eyes are fucked. Eh?

Why is she going to fancy a cab driver who's still living

with his auntie? Think about it. If she's gonna leave you,

it's gonna be for someone who can offer more than I can.

All right? See ya. Karl...

You all right, Norma? (TRAD JAZZ PLAYING)

Listen, Ruby's still not feeling too good,

so I've got all the massage gear off her.

So, I'll give you a little leg rub. I don't mind.

Then after that, we'll have a little bit of cake, yeah?

Funny, that. Of all the mugs you could get me!

Made for me, this one, innit?

Norma?

Norma?

Norma?

..life can be so sweet

On the sunny side of the street

I used to walk in the shade

With those blues on parade

But I'm not afraid

This Rover crossed over

If I never have a cent

I'd be as rich as Rockefeller

? Gold dust at my feet... ?

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