Original subtitles

Happy Halloween, Happy Halloween.

Postal Service. Who's got mail? The Postal Service. Don't let them get me.

Bright light. Bright light. Stay out of the light. Stay out of the light.

Whose clothes is that? Whose bra? Whose bra?

Sally the salvia plant. Makes good beer. Makes good beer.

God Particle. God Particle. Oh, fuck, who's that? Nice butt.

Two minutes. I got to take my meds. I got to take my meds. I got to take my meds.

I'm out of Xanax. I got to take new Xanax. Where's my Xanax?

Two minutes till 8:00. Two minutes till 8:00.

I got to take a pill. I got to take a pill.

Just a... just a half. I got to take a pill. I got to take new Xanax.

Take the half. Take the half. Which one? Which one? Which one do I... take the half.

Who's the girl? Who's the girl? One minute till 8:00.

Vodka. Vodka. One minute, one minute till 8:00.

Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock.

What happened last night?

Did I solve the equation?

Nice butt.

Where is everybody?

How long was I out? Ahh!

Okay.

What the?

Ooh!

Whoa!

- Uh... - We have to go.

What? Why?

Get down!

- Seriously? - Shh!

- I'm gonna scream if you don't... - No!

Don't make me scream rape!

- No, please. - I'm gonna!

I'll let you go, just don't stand in the window.

What? Why?

I'll tell you in the car.

- You're gonna take me to class? - There are no more classes.

- Dude, I think you did too much last night... - We have to go!

- Would you let me up, will you? - Will you stay out of the light?

Just get off of me!

- We don't have much time. - Well, I'm still not entirely sure what's going on.

Or where the fuck I am. So if you want to enlighten me, I'd really appreciate it.

- It's not good. - What's not good?

- I got the call. - Ah, why didn't you just say so?

- Well, in that case, we'd really better go, huh? - Yes, we must.

- Perfect. - You ready?

No! Holy shit, weirdo! I'm gonna stand up now. Is that okay?

No!

Why not?

- Don't let them see you. - Who is out there?

Has there been another school shooting?

The Postal Service.

- You mean the mailman? - Not exactly.

- Are you missing some mail? - We have to go.

Why?

It's our destiny.

Jesus, what's with you, man?

You almost had me! You almost had me.

- Stay down! - Ow!

Get off! Ow! Get off me.

- Ah! - All right, freak. Let's get one thing straight.

You seem to be a relatively confused person, and I'm all for that usually,

given my own state of being most of the time.

Hell, I think we naturally probably had a pretty good time last night

considering how shitty my head feels right now,

and the increasingly embarrassing fact that I have no clothes on,

but alas, I am in no mood to play Twister with you anymore,

and frankly, I need to grab my gear and need to make it to Psych class in...

Now. So I'm gonna say this again.

You're gonna let me leave this room,

and I'm gonna forget this shit ever happened

and spare you the humiliation of campus police

coming to bust your little whatever that is!

Armageddon.

- Huh? - Emergency survival gear. I packed.

- You packed? - Yeah.

- For Armageddon? - To make it to the launch pad.

- Launchpad? - Yes, in Pasadena. Outside Los Angeles.

And who's outside?

Have you seen the movie Terminatrix?

The Postal Service.

I really should go. I have an extra ticket, but if you're not interested...

I need a ticket? To where?

- Can you let go of my balls, please? - Oh, sorry.

Hey.

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

- Psst! Hey! - Ha!

You!

- Dude! - Oh! Ooh!

Dude!

Hey!

Hello?

I think they're here.

- Who? - I don't know, the mail guy?

I knew they'd come. I really have to go now.

You can't leave me here.

- Why not? - Because.

- Because why? - Because...

I'm pregnant.

Ah, shit!

Really?

Yeah. Fuck!

Grab what you can. Suunnee's out back! Let's go!

This is Suunnee.

- This is your car? - Yeah, it's my baby. Why? What's wrong?

- Are you okay? - Am I okay? Are you okay?

- First, how about a little help here? - Oops, sorry.

Oh! Ouch.

Take off those goddamn bug-eyed goggles.

Are you honestly making me carry around a sex doll in an icebox?

Careful. It's a floatation device.

Floatation? Seems awfully anatomically correct for a pool floaty.

What are we, going on vacation here?

I don't know if you're gonna understand.

- Try me. - Okay, if the universe we're in, we're just one dimension.

Based on my probability calculations of the multiverse,

there's an 18.46% chance we're gonna need this blood transfusion.

And in an outcome, 14.75% chance we might need the hot babe floaty,

12.5%, the solar cells.

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, Einstein.

I can barely understand a word you're saying.

- Multi what? - Multiverse.

- Multi hearse? - Multiverse.

- Purse? - Verse. Multiple universe.

Look, man, I don't even remember having sex with you last night,

but I can assure you it's not gonna happen again.

Let alone multi-whatever- you're-thinking.

Multiverse. Quantum mechanics.

- Wait, what major are you? - Theoretical Physics.

- What major are you? - General Studies.

What's that?

It's a combination of psychology, art, and music.

That's fantastic.

Look, brain queef, why are we bringing a surfboard

and do-it-yourself floatation doll to some launch pad?

Should I grab my bikini and guitar?

And where the fuck is everybody, anyway?

Look, Ms. General Studies,

you clearly won't get this.

- Educate me. - Okay.

Have you ever heard of entanglement?

You mean what I can't remember what we did last night?

Not that entanglement. Spooky Action at a Distance.

Jesus, man! It doesn't matter if I'm near or far.

- It's not happening again! - Not necessarily.

Time is an illusion.

As far as we know it, it's never actually not happening.

Let me take it from the top. All right.

The first discoveries of quantum physics

were that the observation itself creates changes

in the outcome of the event, but the future affects the past.

Then Spooky Action at a Distance Theory was conceived of in the 1930s,

and it wasn't until 30 years later

that Freedman and Clauser's pioneering experiments proved particles entangle.

Almost like mirror each other and therein,

can relate like two rolling dice that always land on the same numbers.

Even across space-time at inconceivable distances.

This is what makes teleportation possible,

which I wrote my freshman thesis on.

See, we can literally jump dimensions if we deal with it on a quantum level,

particle by particle.

Almost like stepping through a wormhole.

Boom, boom. Here - there, instantaneously.

Same place, same time, even.

Boom, boom.

So.

If we can get to the launch pad by November 11th, at 11/11, 11:00 a.m.

we can get off this Earth.

We can meet my family at International Space Station.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Thomas Edison.

November 11th? That's, like, in two weeks.

Yeah. In this dream I had,

my counselor told me there are many ways this could play out.

In one, I was told to bring this.

In another, we might need this.

- In another, we might need this. - Told by who, McGillicutty?

The counselor.

Oh, good. That's a little better.

I was hoping we wouldn't go too far without talking to a specialist.

Good.

Where is this counselor?

You see yours when you're meant to see yours.

I'd like to see a counselor right now. Right fucking now.

You should've kept your pants on, Kara.

You should've kept your god damn pants on!

Sister Mary had it right.

Maybe complete abstinence is better than perfect moderation.

Maybe this is the lesson I'm finally meant to learn.

Whatever.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Where the fuck is Bernie?

- Who? - Bernie, my purse.

I had him when we left, and then you made me carry all this stupid shit,

and the strap probably broke.

- Blame it on me now... - Fucking...

Wow, what the fuck was that?

Sounded like a gravitational ripple.

- Cool. - A what?-?

Two black holes collided 4 billion years ago.

- I was expecting that last week. - But it came from over there.

- No, it didn't. - Yes, it did.

- Not necessarily. - Oh, whatever.

I'll be right back.

Just remember, if you go around that corner,

we may not be in the same dimension anymore.

Well, I got to get Bernie.

There you are.

Agent 1, they are out of the room. You are clear to proceed.

Hey.

- Huh? - Do you need some help?

Oh, yeah, sure, thanks, man.

I figure we need to get some food.

I don't know about you, but I'm starving.

Yeah, I could really go for some food.

- What are you in the mood for? - Uh, anything healthy.

Me too. I'm on this diet. I'm at 8.2% body fat,

and I have to go below 5% to match Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

- Well, why is that, exactly? - I'm shooting a music video.

- You... you're a musician? - Oh, yeah.

- What kind of music? - I'm a rapper.

Music is the common language of vibration energy.

It bonds us.

It transcends us into higher versions of ourselves.

Creativity itself, quite literally is the intersection of dimensions.

We're gonna need it where we're going!

- Oh, I got that. - Okay, take it easy.

- Okay, you just need to be careful. - Just trying to be helpful.

Thank you. Get in. I'll take care of Tank.

Okay.

Uh... What the fuck is this?

It's a mini fridge.

- What for? - Drinks.

- For when you drive? - Oh, God, no. I don't drink and drive.

- So this is for guests? - Of course.

I figure if I'm gonna drive, I'm gonna have style.

I always wanted a muscle car. Ready?

Salvia was a secret plant. They were hiding it for a real long time.

- Who was? - The government and the tribes.

It's known as Sage of the Diviners. Ska Maria Pastora.

Seared sage is believed to be an incarnation of the Virgin Mary.

Mazatec shamans use it for religious purposes.

Its natural habitat is in the cloud force

in the isolated Sierra Mazateca of Oaxaca, Mexico,

but it's really believed to be brought to the planet...

not to have, like, originated here.

- Why? - Because its reproductive system is so different.

It's very hard to figure out.

It's, like, it was just one plant found,

like it was a four-dimensional... accident

that just slipped out or crashed on some asteroid.

Either way, I think it caused my DR.

- Your what? - Derealization.

- What's that? - It's like being stoned all the time.

I'm very sensitive to light. I have panic attacks.

It could be neurological or psychological.

How many times did you do it?

Salvia? Three or four times.

- Wow. - You lose a thousand years in your mind.

There's no time limit. That's the problem.

Just like it should be in fourth dimension. All is one.

Gravitational force is tearing you apart.

Eventually, it takes, like, 15 minutes to get back to your reality.

And it was so crazy. I took another dose right away.

I needed to figure it out, so I took 120 extract.

- People usually do five. - Oh, whoa!

The spirit of Salvia is always a woman,

and I experienced a cube in a cube in a cube situation.

I get pushed away from the future.

You think that you can never come back, that you're stuck.

You also become objects, like a person's shoe

or something quantizable.

Agent 1, terminate search. Pursue the target.

Sending new coordinates now.

And then... I was there, at the source.

All was one.

Singularity...

Until I started sweeping back.

When you come back, you come back part by part.

You feel an insane pull of something else different at the top of your head.

Like a connection to the Cosmo, and you have no idea what's going on.

Because when you're on it, you have no idea.

You don't remember you smoking it.

Eventually, it takes, like, 15 minutes to get back to yourself.

And everyone goes to the same place when you're on salvia.

Everyone sees the same stuff.

- Really? - Yeah.

Everyone who does it describes the same kind of thing.

The woman. The cubes.

No way.

Yeah. I almost wish I never smoked it in my entire life.

Yet, I cannot name anything that has been as profound as that.

Where'd you get it?

The deep web. The vinyl highway.

Once you smoke it... the doors open.

It's not like LSD. Once you have it, you can never take it back.

The door cannot be shut.

- No ticket back? - No round-trip ticket.

No round-trip ticket?

And do not operate mechanical machinery while on it.

You have to have a sitter. You can't do it by yourself.

Perceptions are gone. You're not seeing anything.

Excessive laughter and crying. Both at the same time.

- Drooling. - Drooling?

Ick.

Ah, dude? We have to go.

Woah!

Man, don't worry. I'm a perfect driver. I never had a speeding ticket.

Ah, damn it.

What's wrong?

I forgot something.

What? What are you doing?

It's fine. It will take me a second.

You're literally out of your mind. The mail guy is there.

- No, no, it's fine. - No, no, it's not fine!

- Holy shit! - What?

- That's... Him! - What?

- Gun it! - I can't do that. It would be very dangerous.

Gun. It.

Don't you see?

- Don't you see? - See what?

Oh.

- What the fuck, man? - What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck was that?

Jesus. You almost shot us through space-time.

Are you insane? You're insane. He's insane.

Or maybe he's on salvia. Or maybe I'm on salvia.

Did you give me salvia?

Everybody needs to calm the fuck down.

He's coming. He's coming. He is on his way here.

Everything's fine. I have no idea what you're freaking out about.

What I'm freaking out about? Your little head got me into this mess.

Your big head better get me out!

Okay. Fine. Forget about it. I don't need to get it anyway.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Jesus...

I know. I know it's been a while.

Don't be mad. Like, a long time.

- What? We're fine. - Do not tell me we are fine!

I don't know why you're so worked up. I mean, it's not that big a deal.

What in the Holy Grail are you talking about?

Did you not see him?

- See who? - Your mail dude. Whatever.

- You mean you saw the Postal Service? - Yes!

- You saw the Postal Service? - Yeah, I saw the guy.

What did he look like?

He looked like... like a guy.

- That's good. Very general. - He's like an agent guy!

- Like an agent? - Yeah, you know?

- Like, with that look. - That look like...?

- The Terminatrix look. - Wow.

- Fuck wow! - Interesting.

Interesting? Aren't you trying to avoid them?

Like, for Armageddon reasons?

- No. - No?

Do you mind if I smoke?

- No. - Great.

No, yes, I mind if you fucking smoke!

No? No?

- You're not trying to run from the agent guy? - No. Why would I do that?

Correct me if I'm wrong here, Einstein.

Does the sexy guy in the cool glasses

have anything to do with our mission to get across the county?

- Probably. - And what exactly is his probable role in this equation?

I don't know. He probably has a high probability of being your counselor.

Oh, my counselor? Why is he my counselor?

I don't know. You saw him. I didn't.

Which makes me to believe that like I said,

what reality you're living in is yours, and what I'm in is mine.

Has anyone ever told you that you're not exactly right in the head?

Singularity is within, man.

- The sooner you... - You let me out of this fucking car!

- Whoa! - Let me out!

- Okay, okay, okay. - Let me out! Let me out!

Like, like... oh! Oh! Like...

I just... I just need to... I...

- Get off of me! - Ah, okay, okay, okay!

This is, like... This is, like, it?

I mean, is he my punishment?

'Cause I didn't treat Mom and Dad with respect?

Dad was always an asshole, and Mom, she just did it for the money, right?

I didn't want to find their smutty videos

in the VCR player Christmas morning!

I didn't ask to be stuck between their fucked up battles of infidelity

and I needed glasses way before 8th grade!

You want me to repent?

Am I supposed to confess?

How?

There's nobody left to confess to!

And even if there was, I mean, it's not my fault I was made this way, God!

They put me in Catholic School,

which if you haven't been paying attention, is fucked up!

You think I wanted to have my virginity taken by a dirty priest at 15?

I didn't taunt him.

They made us wear these little skirts and knee socks.

Sick, twisted fucks.

- It's a good look. - Shut up!

Sure, there's a little part of me that liked it.

But isn't that what you do?

You put us in these shitty situations...

that we have to fucking deal with?

That are impossible to begin with, and then you give us the choice?

Do good or evil.

Well, let me say this again: Go fuck yourself!

Fuck yourself!

I've had just about enough of the cards I've been dealt,

and now you give me this guy?

No disrespect.

You don't look like Satan.

I figured he'd be a little bit sexier than you!

But that's the joke, right?

It's like tailored to me. It's so specific.

I get it. This is Hell.

You can tell me. This is it, isn't it?

Well, I can't tell you that for sure,

but I'd rather not get into religion with you right now, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Let's not talk about God.

Let's not talk about God.

- What are we going to do? - Yeah, good, okay.

What we're gonna do is, we're gonna get back into Suunnee,

- and we're gonna drive. - Oh, we're gonna drive?

Where are we gonna drive? To Pasadena?

- Yeah. - If we're gonna drive, then I want...

I want... I want my guitar.

If I am gonna have to do this with you, I need my guitar.

Oh, sure.

We need your guitar. I didn't know you played guitar.

Yeah, I do.

- I'm a singer/songwriter. - You're a singer/songwriter?

- I am. - Like, uh, Taylor Swift?

No, not like Taylor Swift.

Not like bad Taylor Swift. Why? What's wrong with Taylor Swift?

It's nothing, nothing. It's nothing personal. It's just, uh, not my thing, that's all.

You know, just don't. Just get back in the car.

- Okay, well... - Get back in the car!

- Just get back in the goddamn car and just let me... - What'd I say?

- What'd you say? - What'd I say?

- What'd I say? - What'd you say? What'd you say? Amazing!

Just kill it!

- What the fuck is that sound? - The bowling ball.

- You mean my brain. - I'm sorry, man.

The first few times I tried to wrap my head around quantum theory,

it's, like, crazy, man.

They say if you think you understand it, you don't.

And I was just trying to make small talk.

So give this to me again. Do you or do you not see the car following us?

- I'm sorry. - You don't?

It's true. Unless I'm tripping, or maybe you are.

If that's the case, it'd be a good time to share it.

Okay, so I'm officially losing it.

No, I tried to explain this to you.

I'm gonna listen again. I'm gonna listen.

Go ahead.

So like I said, it's got nothing to do with me or my reality.

Ah, yes, multiverse.

- So who are you running from? - Nobody.

But you said to go and to stay out of the light and the mailman.

The Postal Service?

Yeah, he needs to be avoided. I hate getting bills.

Bills? Like, credit card bills?

No, last time I got the mail, I got a recall notice on my car,

and I can't give Suunnee up.

I mean, I'm just trying to get to the launch pad on time.

Will you stay out of the light?

Don't let them see you.

Launchpad.

Emergency survival gear. I packed.

It could be neurological or psychological.

And meet my family, and you're pregnant,

and I'm not leaving my baby mama and future offspring on the dying Earth.

I am not fucking pregnant, you dip!

- You lied to me? - Lied to you? Yes!

You lied to me. That's, like...

The worst thing you can do.

Are you out of your mind?

It's okay. This is good news.

I'm on the pill for just this reason.

Good news?

Yeah.

Though, it does cause some erratic mood swings.

I might change the prescription.

I thought I was going to be a dad.

Uh, oh, man.

Well, I'm sorry.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Oh.

I, uh...

I...

I just said that so you'd take me with you.

All you had to do was ask.

I got to take my meds. I got to take my meds. I got to take a half.

I got to take my meds. I got to take my meds. I got to take a half.

No, I got to take a whole pill. I got to take my meds. I got to take my meds.

- So can I still use that ticket? - Yeah, not that important.

So I don't need a ticket?

Not that paper ticket, anyway.

Besides, I have most important trip tickets in the fridge.

Let me ask you something.

Shoot.

You don't see that guy right there?

Interesting.

- You do? - I do.

Ha!

- Holy shit! - Ah-ha!

Fuck!

- I think I get it! I think I get it! - What? What the fuck do you get?

- It makes sense. - None of this makes any sense.

- Oh, it makes perfect sense. - Tell me, Einstein.

- Tell me what you have on this! - That's exactly right.

Einstein couldn't get it, but I think I did.

- What are you fucking talking about? - Multiverse.

Quantum Mechanics versus Relativity.

Shut up and say something that makes sense!

Okay, listen, this is what you got to know.

About a hundred years ago, Einstein turned everything in physics on its ass

with his theory of relativity. And that had to do with time and space,

kind of being the same thing.

Space-time! Space-time!

Meanwhile, there were these other physicists

dealing with probability and working at completely different math.

Like, radically different, and logic as you know it

was just thrown out the window.

So much that Einstein himself was plagued by the entire notion.

Anguished by how two diametrically opposed theories

about how the world works could coexist.

Quantum, the world of the small and our everyday reality.

Us, planets, etcetera.

Gravity and space and all that theorizing

led us to this strange, troubling problem that exists today.

The laws of the small do not connect up to the laws of the large.

And the small, the quantum theory, has never, ever, been proven wrong.

So where does that leave us?

The mysterious Linchpin of the whole Standard Model!

The standard particle itself was just discovered,

which brings us to super symmetry versus the multiverse.

- Oh, here we go again! - No, quite the opposite.

On one side is the multiverse concept.

The Google the possible probable outcomes of every little energy molecule.

The Google of yous and versions of your life,

theoretically live in totally different realities.

Just the idea of self makes life feel completely random and pointless.

Then, and here's where it gets interesting.

It's already interesting enough!

On the other side, with super symmetry,

everything is in this almost improbable inconceivable harmony.

A miracle of specificity.

A truly enlightening equilibrium that only leads us to think

that the universe must be a product of intelligent design: God!

- There is a god? - That's hard to say.

Some people call the Higgs boson particle God, yes.

- So I am in Hell? - Uh, maybe, but it's okay.

- I think I solved it. - You solved it?

- The connection. - Between what?

The quantum and classical theories.

- You did? - I did.

At least... I think I did.

I was wasted.

Using the new Higgs boson weight to finish my senior equation.

And then I stood up and went to the bathroom to take a dump.

Then, it hit me.

- It hit you? - Yeah.

- On the toilet? - Yes.

What Einstein couldn't figure out, you did while taking a dump?

Is that a periscope?

- Kind of. - Did you make it yourself?

Yeah, how'd you guess?

You got a little, uh...

Mm.

Anyway, when I was on the toilet,

I remember feeling this giant wave of energy

just rush through me like a moment of uniformity.

I was everywhere in the same place, like, the same time.

The whole universe and I were one.

I took a deep breath, and then... and then imploded.

You imploded with the universe?

Yeah, like I had sex with her.

You had sex with the universe?

Yeah, see, the crazy thing is,

all we know only makes 5% of the entire value of the universe.

Now, with the Higgs weight, I can solve my senior equation,

which all comes down to dark matter.

- Is that, like, Darth Vader? - Kind of.

And it's negative. Dark energy.

- Is that like the force? - Yes! We don't know what they are.

The Higgs and weight of the God Particle was the missing clue.

Now, I'm using it to calculate the probability

of the Big Crunch or the Big Rip.

Is that like gas?

It's how the universe ends.

It's either a squish or a poof,

and I wrote it down and then...

Huh? I must've been right!

Why?

Because my calculation was an observation that changed the outcome.

Now, instead of being in the center of the equilibrium

between super symmetry and the multiverse...

The worst possible thing has happened.

The multiverse itself is entangled!

The multiverse has entangled.

Nice.

Now, all I have to do is figure out what he wants.

Well, maybe we should just ask him.

- Huh. - I mean, why are you driving away from him, exactly?

I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

I agree. I agree, it did seem like the right thing to do at the time...

but now that it's this space-time,

maybe we should reconsider.

What are you thinking about?

I don't know.

What are you thinking about?

I don't know. I'm just so confused.

It's okay. You're a General Studies major.

You guys don't know anything about everything.

Fuck you, multi whatever!

Get us the fuck out of this dimension!

No need to be ashamed.

Your brain picked the major it could handle at its fullest capacity.

Everyone has their own paths. Some are farmers, they're happy.

- Holy shit, he's back! - He's back?

There's just no getting rid of this guy. Who the fuck is he?

- Well, let's ask him. - Sure,

let's get this over with, for God's sakes.

Hey!

Can we help you?

What do you want from us?

Oh, fuck!

Fine, you can have him.

- Oh, fuck no! - Oh, yes.

- Oh, no! Hell no! - What's he gonna do to you?

Rape your brain?

- Probably! - And is that a bad thing?

It sounds a lot better than what we're currently going through here!

What do you want with me?

He wants your head!

- He's not getting my head. - Why not?

'Cause it's my head, not yours!

Okay, okay.

What do you need

his head for?

To solve the problem.

He speaks.

See?

See? It wasn't so bad.

Shit.

What?

What, shit?

What's wrong? You solved it already, right?

We just need to give it to him.

I can't.

What? Why? Why can't you?

- It's gone. - What do you mean, it's gone?

- I threw it away. - No, I thought you had some blowjob with the universe.

Where did it go?

I... I wrote it.

Yeah?

I...

Oh, no. Oh, no!

You didn't?

I did.

- You didn't do that. - Yeah.

You wiped your ass with the answer to the greatest question in the human history.

I did do that.

Jesus Christ, man! No wonder everything's gone to hell

in a hand basket. God's fucking pissed.

I think so. I had no idea!

- You had no idea? - I had no idea!

All you had to do was ask.

- Oh, my God, he's got a gun! - No!

- Oh, my God, oh, my God. - What are you doing?

- You can't escape him. He's everywhere. - Oh, God.

- Oh, God. - Maybe he's our counselor.

I mean, he is like God.

- I really think he's God. - God doesn't need me to solve the world's problems.

He already solved his by creating this universe and not being in it.

He just gets to observe.

- Whatever, just drive. - Okay, okay.

Hey, that actually makes sense.

Did God abandon me

or did I abandon him?

Life is some, like, rigged metaphysical SAT test

with unfair questions.

I failed.

I mean, I won the genetic lottery, man.

My parents love me in their own way.

I didn't go hungry or long for anything.

I was actually pretty spoiled, to tell you the truth.

They weren't Catholic, but they sent me to Catholic School

so I could get a good education.

And what happened?

I hated it. I hated them... and God.

I mean, I didn't see any proof. I saw the opposite.

Dirty men looking up skirts.

Sex Ed was about how to abstain, not science.

Fucking hypocrites!

But...

if there really is a god...

then his particle, it's, like,

the bonus question for mankind,

and your revelation from him...

is a gift from him.

To flush that shit down the toilet?

You might as well have just flipped God the bird.

It's, like, Noah and the Arc now.

He's just rebooting mankind.

Think, Toby, think.

Yeah, think! Think. Take your time.

Take your... wait for it!

Space-time!

- I crack myself up. - Glad you're so amused.

God works in mysterious ways, man.

Where is this counselor?

You'll see yours...

when you're meant to see yours.

Do you remember how we met?

I have no idea who you are

or where you came from.

The last thing I remember is Halloween

and doing shots at the Bluewhale

for their Bottomless Tuesday Costume Game Night.

So that's not what you wear all the time?

Is that what you wear all the time?

Don't answer that.

- It's only Saturday. - That's entirely possible.

I could've OD'd. For all you know, I could be an angel.

Absolutely not.

Or a fantasy of your OCD imagination.

Unlikely. I have OCD, not schizophrenia.

Makes it hard to have friends, honestly.

Hey, let's make a calendar

of everything that's happened so far.

Write it out, would you?

Everything in physics for the last hundred years was coming down to Tuesday.

The biggest experiment in human history. The CERN particle collider

announced the weight of the missing clue to the Standard Model of quantum mechanics,

the Higgs boson. The God Particle itself.

That night, physicists around the world learned

what could be the bridge between classical physics,

Einstein, and quantum mechanics.

It meant I could finish my senior thesis,

"The Theory of Everything."

It was right there at the worst spot: 125.09

plus minus 0.24GeV/c2

and I thought that weight could leave every answer still in question.

I started the equation right away.

Worked straight through.

And I could hear people starting to party for Halloween.

I couldn't get invited anywhere, so...

I remember I broke open the skull vodka my dad shipped me from home

and kept on working.

- Skull vodka? - Yeah, my dad's a physicist too,

he knew that the announcement could mean that I could solve the equation.

- I opened it early. - I would have too.

Really?

Anyway, I kept drinking shots. Blacked out.

Next thing I remember, there's someone breaking into my room,

and it's a hot girl.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome. It's never happened for me.

- What? You mean you're a... - You don't have to say it.

Are you trying to tell me that I took your virginity?

Maybe. I don't remember, anyway. It doesn't matter.

We're making out, and I realized I still have to go number two,

and, you know, I... It was there on the toilet.

And it was seeing your face...

like an angel, and the event horizon was in your eyes,

and singularity came up within me.

And I was just fucked by enlightenment.

I finished, and I wrote it down.

And ran out of toilet paper and I had to wipe,

so, um...

and I flushed. There was just this big bang suck...

but it went down the toilet, and it spiraled and swirled.

My observational shit changed the outcome.

The future affects the past.

I must've opened portals all over the place!

Toilet wormholes everywhere!

New rules of physics.

If you go around that corner,

we may not be in the same dimension anymore.

Halloween was the end of the world as we know it.

Total chaos. Mass hysteria.

Apocalypse. Dogs and cats living together.

Everyone stepping in and out of dimensions.

Every door, every turn could be a dimension.

Society completely collapsed!

Do you have anything to eat?

Of course. Check the mini fridge.

Okay, so what you're trying to tell me is that you

solving that stupid equation entangled

the multiverse?

Ah, salvia! That's why they delivered all that beer.

- Beer? I like beer. - They evacuated the planet.

I still don't get who evacuated the planet.

Of course. Who else?

I mean, evacuated. It's a strong word.

Everyone just got uploaded.

- Uploaded? - To the cloud.

The cloud? You mean the sky?

Yeah, the sky.

By God?

He's an agent.

I told you he was God.

He's with AmasNoogle.

Oh, I like AmasNoogle!

I get my shoes on there and my makeup and my movies

- and my homework. - I mean, it's pretty simple.

So simple. You just click, and a purse is there the next day.

It's so fast, so cheap.

Shit.

AmasNoogle tricked me. They sent an agent to get

my equation because it's the bridge.

The bridge to their global cyber consciousness.

AI and to protect the world from total collapse,

AmasNoogle probably saved everyone to the cloud big data style until...

- Until what? - Until AmasNoogle can figure out

what the fuck to do to protect its revenue, obviously.

- How do they solve it? - They can't,

not without imploding the bridge in the code,

which is my equation. AmasNoogle isn't a person.

It's just a computer now. And only life and blood

can experience transcendent enlightenment.

Only we know what spiritual truth is.

The disconnect is between their digital consciousness algorithm

and my organic moment of enlightenment.

So what do we have to do?

What we have to do is undo

the damage of my flush.

Upload the equation,

fill the gap in information, and voilà.

- The equation you wiped your ass with? - Yeah.

Awesome.

Are we still going to the launch pad?

No, there's nobody there.

It's okay. I just have to think.

Uh, what you doing?

It just helps me think.

- That little skateboard? - Fingerboard.

They say it's good for scientists

and businesspeople to calm the nerves.

Mkay.

Um... I really hate to be a bother here

but is that really necessary?

Yeah.

Okay, just checking.

- He's still following us. - I think he's waiting for me to solve the equation again.

Uh... Do you have a plan?

Um...

Okay, 'cause you did say at one point

that you had a plan...

Yeah, - ...for everything.

I... I'm formulating. There's... there've been a lot

- of interesting developments. - Yes, surely.

I mean, I don't mean to be tacky,

but we are, you know, the last people on the planet,

so there's that!

Holy shit!

- Holy shit, what? - You are a genius!

- What'd I do? - I mean, I am after realizing

the value of what you just said.

You're a genius? You're special.

You said you don't want to be tacky,

but we're the last people on the planet, so...

Look, I am in no way shape or form having sex with you again.

Not in this lifetime. Not in this reality.

Not in your reality or in his or in any of those other fucking mes and yous out there

thinking about probabilistic bullshit.

No, tachyons. The hypothetical particles

that travel faster than the speed of light,

which nothing technically can do.

I am once in my life not thinking about sex.

It might have happened in the past, but it's not happening again.

- Mm, yes, it is. - No, it's not.

I mean it really is if I can get us to that dimension.

- No, it's not. - You're not getting it.

- We have to go back. - What?

We have to go back.

Go back where?

Go back... go back in...

- In what? - Space-time!

And how, pray tell, do you expect us to do that?

Simple. Tachyons exist in a dimension on the other side of the speed of light

at such a high energy level that they can travel backwards

through time. So, hypothetically,

we just need enough energy to step through a wormhole

without being ripped apart by gravitational forces.

Gah, for God's sakes!

Are you trying to tell me Suunnee's a time machine?

- Not a time machine. - Not a time machine?

Not a time machine but a space-time sling.

Yes, exactly, 'cause I was really hoping

you weren't taking me back to the past in a DeLorean.

I'd rather a souped-up muscle car that currently

has a mini fridge jammed up at my vajayjay,

a sex floaty, and a surfboard... on the roof!

You know, I'm trying to solve this here...

and you're being antagonistic.

Can you grab us a few drinks out of the fridge, please?

No, no, no, not those. Those.

I made those myself.

I'm just trying to live in reality.

- Ah, there's your problem. - I give up. Bring the agent

back, please. Can I go ride with him?

- Technically, no. - Why not?

Because he's straddling the organic in digital system.

If he wants it to be solved, he's gonna have me do it

in my organic space. In my loaf of bread.

You see now that these dimensions overlap.

Only we are still in line within my super symmetry dump,

and if he does anything to us now,

he may alter the potential to undo what's been done then there.

Is that a turtle?

This is Tank, my California desert tortoise.

He's currently 85 years old.

He's been hibernating, so he's gonna be a little groggy.

No food, no water for months.

He hasn't gone to the bathroom since first semester.

I rescued him when they developed the desert with wind turbines.

See, with everything, there's a plus and a minus.

There's no living organism more adept at storing energy,

and we're gonna need a lot of it.

Physics, my dear friend, is about interlocking forces.

Dark energy has dark matter.

Suunnee has Tank.

We can use opposing forces. Nature and machine

to slingshot us through space-time.

- You're feeling better. - Yes.

Me too. This makes sense.

So what's next?

Hello, Tank.

- We go back. - Yes.

Let's... wait, I'm so sorry. I missed that.

- How do we do that again? - Like this.

Aah.

Whoa! Dude, you're freaking me out.

Oh, dude, don't do this. Don't freak me out anymore.

I swear, I'll go back to church.

No, no, it's okay.

Just close your eyes too and drink your beer.

We have to do it together to achieve our super symmetry.

No, you're fucking nuts, man!

I'm not gonna close my goddamn eyes

while we're driving 60 miles an hour down the highway

with a turtle on the dashboard in reverse!

Tank is a tortoise.

Huge difference.

Turtle, tortoise.

I'm not doing it.

Fine, stay here. Break the universe.

- No big deal. - Oh, don't! Don't you dare

mind fuck my Catholic guilt!

No, actually, we need you to just clear your mind

and channel my moment of enlightenment and let go.

- Oh... shit! - Keep them closed. It's beginning to happen.

Oh... shit!

Just keep them closed!

No matter what happens!

Keep them closed.

Oh, fuck.

Closed.

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

- Hello? - Yes?

- Damn it. - What's wrong?

I thought you'd be gone.

- So what happened? - Singularity.

Yeah, but where are we?

The question is not where but when, where?

Dude, I'm seriously not in the mood

- for this shit anymore. - Just give it a second.

- I'm just almost done. - What? With what?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What the fuck? Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.

- Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus! - I know, I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me right now?

I just can't!

It was the only way.

I just don't know why this is happening to me.

This is when it happened.

Are you sure?

I don't feel any, like, universe-gasm

crawling up in this... this shit, literally.

I just need you to stop, for a little bit.

Let me do this. I was dreaming, and I was thinking,

and... it hit me. And I wrote on the toilet paper.

Because people do that. They keep pens in the bathroom

and solve quadratic equations while sitting on the throne.

Bathrooms are considered sacred by the Greek philosophers

and used for deep connections with one's brain.

While relaxing for hours are my best thinking on the pot.

Well, let me not stop Mother Nature.

Yeah, let's give it an old faith, shall we?

Oh, I want to have faith!

For the first time in my goddamn life,

I can honestly say that...

Wait, what are you doing?

- I'm writing. - You're what?

- I rap. - You're rapping now?

Yeah, I'm writing. I'm feeling lit. Freestyle. It helps me think.

- You're feeling it? - Yeah. It's coming.

What is?

No, no! No, it's not working.

No...

Oh. Oh, my God.

No, no, no!

Creativity itself is an intersection of dimensions.

- Did you get it? - I got it. I got it!

Write it down, quickly!

I got it. Just give me a minute.

Take all the time you need.

Just don't use it to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

- Is that it? Oh. - That's it.

Oh, God, I love it. Oh!

Let's not talk about God right now.

Sure, whatever you want, big boy. Whatever you want.

You're my big boy, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah. - I am? Really?

No. I mean yes.

Just stay focused. Just write.

Okay, okay, sure. Uh-oh. Oh.

- Are you... you okay? - Uh, oh, no.

- You still got it? - Oh, God.

- No. - Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

- No! No! No! No! No! No! - No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, God, oh, God, - oh, God! Fucking God!

Oh, gee, ah! It's gone.

I shouldn't have this on.

Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

Where is this counselor?

You see yours

when you're meant to see yours.

It's believed to be an incarnation of the Virgin Mary.

I mean, it's not my fault! I was made this way, God!

Did God abandon me? Or did I abandon him?

Salvia.

Time is an illusion. Mazatec shamans use it for religious purposes.

You came through the wormhole with me.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

on Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.

And lead us not into temptation...

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom

and the power...

And the glory!

Now and forever and ever!

It's back! It's good. I got it. Yeah.

Holy shit. It worked.

I get it.

And you're the proof, and that toilet paper

is like the Shroud of Turin. Wait, if that makes you, like,

the Messiah, then does that make me...

Wow. Fuck!

You know, and they say she wasn't a virgin at all, either.

I'm sorry. It's just my penis.

You know, when I have to think, I have to think with both heads,

and what you said distracted me with your...

Wait, no, wait.

Just you don't, don't, don't.

- Just stay focused and write. - Okay, okay, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

- He's back. - He is?

Yeah, he's here. He's just waiting. You know, for the equation.

I just thought I should let you know.

- Stay focused. - Okay, I know.

He's good. He's got it.

Nothing to worry about.

Looks like it's all gonna be okay.

Do I know you?

You remind me of somebody.

Oh, shit.

Yep, that's it.

I mean, I had such a thing for him.

He was my 9th grade New Testament teacher.

Father Daniel.

He'd read psalms about our sins,

and then he'd tell me to stay after class...

in my uniform.

I would just get so...

You know, if I were in another dimension right now, I...

This is it!

- This is it? - Yep.

- I'm so glad that all worked out. - Me too.

- What a ride. - Well?

So we just give this to you now, right?

Is this the answer you're looking for, headmaster?

Wait, did I miss something?

Huh? No. No, nothing.

- Why? - You're, like, flirting with him.

- No. - Are you into him?

What? No!

- Yeah. - No.

- Yeah. - No!

- Uh-huh. Yes. - No!

- Uh-huh. Yeah. - No.

- Yeah. - I'm really not. No, I'm not.

- No, you're wrong. - Yes!

No.

Yes.

No.

- Yep. - No!

- Uh-huh. - No!

- Yes! - No!

- Yep! - No!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, maybe. Why?

Really? Why?

'Cause we just...

We just, what?

We just we're, like...

What?

I mean, you know, it was holy, like, wow.

Holy, like, wow?

- For me. - Yeah, exactly.

Oh, wait. We didn't sleep together yet.

- We didn't? - No. The broken condom isn't there.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you, Lord!

Wow.

- Hello? - Hasta la vista, babies.

You are now being uploaded to the cloud,

courtesy of AmasNoogle.

Ah, it's good. It's good.

You are now being returned to your regularly scheduled programming,

courtesy of AmasNoogle.

Goddamn it. Ah, man, not this again.

- Hello? - Yeah?

Oh. That failed, didn't it?

I don't know. I don't know what happens next.

You don't know?

Wait. What's that?

Oh, shit. Son of a bitch!

Who is that? Where am I?

- You're in nowhere. - What do you mean?

I mean we're nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

- I am not sleeping with you again, fucker. - No, we're in the cloud.

We're in the cloud?

- He's got a gun! - What the...

Get down!

Say it again, "Can you let got my balls?"

Can you let go off my balls?

Balls please.

Balls, balls, balls please.

- Correct? - Yeah.

Can you let go off my balls, please?

The balls sounds not right.

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Can you let go off my balls... ah...

Can you let go off my balls, please?

Good. Give me two seconds between...