All language subtitles for If.A.Man.Answers.1962.DVDRip.XviD-AEN.ENG

If a man answers your phone
when I call...

Whoa, there's gonna be some screamin'
and that ain't all...

'Cause if I'm-a here callin' you...

Then who's the who
I'm talkin' to...

Why, any fool could see...

That for sure it ain't me...

So if a man answers your phone
then, honey, we're through...

Now, everything between us
used to be fine...

Until I became a third party...

Where there ain't no party line
You hear me talkin'

Gonna hang-a this phone up now
and dial again...

Whoa, and there better be a soprano
on the other end...

'Cause if the voice is baritone...

When you told me
you'd be home alone...

Well, then I'm wastin' my time
not to mention my dime...

So if a man answers your phone
then, honey, I'm gone...

Maman, my mother,
was born in Paris in the spring.

It is obvious a lot more than chestnuts
blossom in the City of Love in the spring.

Mother is French...
Very.

This came in handy when she
worked at the Folies Berg�re.

Father was born in Boston...

...where things were labeled "His";...

...and "Hers", because
they really weren't sure.

In the beginning, Father considered "Me
Tarzan, you Jane" an adequate sex education.

As a result of their
souffl�-and-beans romance, I was born.

Oh, in wedlock, of course.

Father's a stickler for details.

From the first, unsuspecting males
have been victimized...

...by the fighting mixtures
bubbling in my veins.

Always the Boston fog
chills my Paris springtime.

My name is Chantal.

Maman calls me chouchou.
Father calls me Charlotte.

The boys at Boston Junior College
call me tease.

Father said no one
with such a background...

...ever had such a foreground.

Could be the boys at Boston Junior
are right.

Don't stop. More.

Tell me more, Richard.

Well, in this experiment...

...you drill the cavity
into the labial surface of the tooth.

Then you deposit the dry dye
into the cavity.

The dyes we used
were water-soluble eosin...

...or, uh, borax carmine,
organic silver salts...

...silver nitrate crystals
and Congo red.

Stunning.

Chantal, how come you're
so interested in dentistry?

Oh, I'm not, but you are.

And maman says that the only thing a man would
rather do than make love is talk about himself.

So... That mother of yours
really has it figured.

The French women
are very smart in some areas.

But she can get pretty wild.

Like mother, like daughter?

Lo-Look, Richard.

These two are still my baby teeth.
Isn't that incredible?

I'll pull 'em... For free.

It's amusing.

In France, when the daughter is brought
home early, then the father begins to worry.

Who's she out there with
tonight?

Richard.
Darling, polite little Richard.

Yes. He's polite in front of us.
Too polite.

I wish that girl would get married
so I could get a good night's sleep.

I keep seeing all of Charlotte's
young men swimming around.

- "Swimming"?
- A regular salmon run up Beacon Hill.

Oh, don't worry, love.

The Stacy blood in your daughter's veins
will cool those little fishes.

Well, she's finally remembered
she has a home.

- Charlotte!
- No one kept such a close watch on you, Mrs. Appley.

And you married well, didn't you?

Don't you two ever sleep?

Speaking for myself, I haven't had a
decent night's rest since you turned 15.

Charlotte, haven't you
ever thought of marriage?

Mm-hmm. It's fine, I guess,
for older people.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Appley?

I see. Well, maybe you should
continue your education...

...at some nice girls' school.

But, Father, I'm learning
dentistry from Richard...

...law from Howard
and business administration from Tom.

Keeping my dates talking,
like maman suggested...

...has given me
quite a liberal education.

What did you learn tonight?

Maman, did you know that gingivitis...
And why must you keep your dates talking?

So they won't make love to me
all the time.

In heaven's name,
get married!

Well, who shall I marry? It's
"whom. " Whom shall I marry?

And what's wrong with Thomas
or Richard or Howard?

Well, nothing. I like
all three of them. Well?

All right.

If that's what you want.

How? How could you have said yes
to all three of them?

It was really your fault,
darling.

Mine? Mine?

Well, she did it only to please you.
"Get married," you ordered.

As if the sweet, innocent child
were in disgrace.

That unpleasant eventuality
is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I had no intention
of her reviving polygamy.

And I had no intention
of doing any such thing.

But you were in such a hurry that I didn't dare
take the time to decide which one I really wanted.

It was... Well, it was simply a matter
of getting engaged first...

...and sorting them out later.

Well, I am abjectly sorry for anything
I might have had to do, indirectly...

...with your multiple choice.

Now, Charlotte, the thing for
you to do is return the rings.

You mean, I...

You heard your father.

Besides, chouchou, for men
you're not desperately in love with...

...these rings are much too small.

I thought maybe
if I bunched them up...

Look, Maman...
Charlotte!

Oh, Maman, what's the use?

Whom am I ever
gonna get a chance to cook for?

Do you realize that nobody's
asked me to marry them in a week?

Your fire is much too high.

Let it simmer,
and the lumps will work out.

You, Chantal, must simmer also.

Hmm.
You can turn the fire out under me.

I'm finished.
Oh, now.

Greetings, greetings,
greetings.

You're early.

Mm, yes, I guess I am.

Hello, Father.

Evening, Mr. Stacy.
Good evening.

This old barn's gonna fall down
around our ears one day.

Something is up.

What makes you say that?

Chouchou, you must always
observe your man closely.

The male animal
discloses very little audibly.

Now, one, my man did not have
the evening Boston Globe...

...a serious break in routine.

Two, he said he guessed
he was home early.

Your father always knows exactly
what time of day it is.

Three, I have a rack of lamb
in the oven... His favorite...

...and he didn't even smell it.

Now, four... And most important...
he criticized this house.

Oh, yes, something
is most definitely up.

Simmer.
Your fire is anything but out.

What took you so long?

Mm. Now I'm sure.

You never kiss me like that
before dark.

What is it? How would you
like to live in New York?

I would love it.
Just like that?

Are we moving to New York?

I've had a magnificent offer to go
into partnership with a Mr. Berwitt...

...one of the country's leading dealers
in English antiques.

Quite flattering, I must say.
Then, voil�, it is done.

So easy? You won't mind leaving Boston?

My darling, I left Paris for you.

After that, anything is easy.

We will be New Yorkers now.
Yes, we will like that.

New Yorkers?
Are we moving to New York?

Are we?
Yes, and won't you love it.

Well, how can you be so positive?
How can you look so negative?

I asked you first. For one thing,
New York men are so recherch�.

I hope that means
the marrying kind.

Well, I hope it means
exciting and plentiful.

All the men you really
need is one. Mm-hmm.

One tall, dark, handsome,
witty, rich...

...single New Yorker.

Is that asking too much
of such a fabulous city?

You're not gonna buy that hat.

Not if you don't want me to.

I don't think a pretty girl should
ever have to buy a silly hat for herself.

Especially not today.

My name is Eugene Wright.
I'm Chantal Stacy.

Of course the Stacy's
only temporary.

Oh, you're getting married?
Eventually.

Aren't you? Eventually. It could happen.

Then you're not married now.
No, of course not.

By that, I gather
you're not engaged either.

You know, you'd be a whiz
at 20 questions.

I hate games.
So do I.

No, I'm not engaged.

This is the darndest personal
conversation for two strangers.

How did we get on it in the first
place? You asked me if I was married.

I did? I guess I did at that.
But we have made progress.

Now, shall we, uh,
see about that hat?

Look, Miss Stacy, you misunderstood
me. No. No, Mr. Wright.

Even though I am half French,
when a perfect stranger tells you...

...his interest in you is
purely physical... Mon Dieu!

Yeah, but you didn't let me finish. I'd like
you to come over to my place tomorrow at 2:00.

$10 an hour.

Miss Stacy, I am a gentleman.

I am also a photographer,
which explains the $10 an hour.

My card.

Oh, I see.

You're not a model?
No.

Oh, uh, not...
not at the moment.

I see. Well, I thought
perhaps you might be...

...and that I'd better clear myself
in case we ever meet again...

...professionally.

Good day, Miss Stacy.
I'm off to collect my Blue Cross.

This belongs in the library.

Oh, put the rest of the books
on the shelves.

Now, couldn't this sofa
go over here, my pet?

Mm, mm-hmm.
Should be fine.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Appley.

Bonjour, Madame Stacy
et Monsieur Stacy.

Comment allez-vous?
Tr�s bien.

And it is obvious
things are tr�s bien with you.

I have a job.

Well, our little girl is
growing up at last. Oh!

What's the name of the firm,
Charlotte?

Well, it's not exactly a firm, Father.

It's more of a one-man operation.

- Oh.
- You did say one was all I really needed.

Well, then who is the gentleman?

He is a very nice man. Well,
how would you know, Germaine?

I see him shining in chouchou's
eyes. Now, just a minute.

She hardly knows the man, and, more
important, we've never even met him.

Now, where were you
introduced to him?

Oh, it was all very proper, Father.

He presented his card
and offered me a job.

Hmm. Well.

Modeling.

Modeling?

Modeling?

Telephone.

Stacy residence.
Yes. Just a minute.

It's for you, Father.
Now, Charlotte, listen to me.

Chouchou, help me, will you?
Yes, Maman.

John Stacy speaking.

Well?
He picked me up.

Chouchou. On Fifth Avenue.
He wanted to buy me a hat.

Perfection.
Exactly as it should be.

Oh, I am so happy.

Ye... Now, hold on. A fella's got just
so much Blue Cross, not to mention blood.

About your brass knuckles.

See, my sorority believes
in functional jewelry.

Won't you come in?

Oh, my. This place could be
so attractive. Oh, thank you.

Of course, it would take
a great deal of imagination.

Well, I'll get
right to work on it.

Oh, bedroom upstairs? No. This
used to be a duplex, Miss Stacy.

It's now two apartments.
The stairway is just left over.

It leads to nowhere,
like this conversation.

Lots of closet space? Miss
Stacy, the studio is not for rent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have some... You did say 2:00?

What?
2:00. $10 an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry, but since you told me
you weren't a model...

...why, I called the agency,
and they're gonna send a girl over.

I had no idea that you would, uh...

I had no idea.

Of course, I could call the agency
and tell them not to bother.

Why don't you do that.
Why don't I.

Hello, Ellie? Look, can you
get a hold of Rita for me?

Good. Tell her I'm canceling today.

No, no. I'll set it up again
for sometime next week.

Thanks a lot.
So long.

My, my. Aren't we domestic.
Yes, very. It's the French in me.

I am an incredible cook though.
Maman taught me.

Well, I'm pretty famous
for my peanut butter sandwiches myself.

I don't know how you men live through
bachelorhood. Must be terrible.

It's great, and I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I guess my dad
set the example for me.

He enjoyed life so much
by not being married.

That is, after my mother died,
he just never remarried...

...and had all of his girlfriends to bounce me
on their pretty knees and kiss me good night.

My dad sure could pick 'em.

He still can.
Adam Wright.

You must have heard of him.
No.

He's pretty famous
as a commercial artist too.

In fact, right now he's in Europe painting
the beautiful ladies for a cigarette campaign.

Well, it all sounds
pretty sordid to me.

Maybe you should see a psychiatrist.
Thank you, but I'm happy as I am... Free.

Well, I guess
I have to agree with you there.

I mean, who needs the drudgery
of married life?

Still, for a man,
marriage is the ideal state.

No more sinks full of dirty dishes. No more
peanut butter sandwiches. And companionship.

May I remind you that New York is full of great
restaurants, very few of which serve peanut butter.

And for a buck and a half an hour,
all these dishes disappear.

And as far as companionship is concerned,
well, I have a little black book...

...and in it are the names
and phone numbers of 111 models.

Bachelorhood
is the ideal state for a man.

Marriage, little Miss Stacy, well, that's
an institution sponsored by women for women.

When the coffee's ready,
you can bring it in.

I'm gonna set up the camera.

When the coffee's ready,
little Miss Stacy, you can bring it in.

I'm gonna submit these pictures for a
calendar that Goodman Tires is planning.

...if I get the assignment,
it'll be quite a feather in my lens.

We'll shoot the month of March today.

Say, how goes it in there anyway?

Oh, I can find everything in here
but the dress.

Well, it's not a dress exactly. It's a...
Well, it's in that little white box in there.

Oh, that.
I've got that on.

Miss Stacy, this is my profession.

You have got to think of me as a doctor,
and this is my office.

- It's all quite impersonal.
- "Impersonal. "

Well, I guess if Maman managed to escape pneumonia
on that drafty stage at the Folies Berg�re...

I should be perfectly safe
in a steam-heated studio.

I guess.

And you say you can cook, too, huh?

Try me sometime.

I'd love to.

My, my.
All right, doctor?

All right. Here, let's get to work.

Go to the ladder, please,
right on the top. Thank you.

That's it. Now hold on to your hat.
March winds, you know.

That's it, and smile.
You like the wind.

Now take a deep breath...
chest full and high.

Higher.

A little higher, please.

That's good. Now I want you to concentrate
on... Well, think of something pleasant.

Are you thinking
of something pleasant?

Good. Hold it.

Beautiful.

Now, if you will, Miss Stacy,
concentrate on something beautiful...

...something really beautiful.

Good. Good.

For this one, let's concentrate
on something absolutely wonderful...

...the most wonderful thing
in the world, huh?

Wh-What are you doing?
What-What... What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?
You said, "the most wonderful thing. "

I know what I said. Forget it.
Simmer down to "just pleasant. "

These pictures have to go
through the mails.

Simmer?

Oh, Maman, my fire isn't out.

Yes?

Father?

Mr. Wright, this is my father.

Father, this is...
That was Mr. Wright.

I got there just in time
this afternoon.

Imagine, our daughter alone with that
seedy, poverty-stricken sex maniac.

And Charlotte dressed in...
"Dressed. "

Supporting a bit of lace here
and a bit of lace there. Oh!

I remember a costume
I had once.

It was made of pink Chantilly lace...

...so delicate, so lovely...
that past the third row...

...you could not tell
I was wearing anything at all.

Such a waste.
There is no comparison...

And you saw me as the virgin bride
of the sea king.

It looked like I was wearing
shimmering tights, remember?

When actually I was
quite au naturel.

It was all done with lights.

Oh. Ah, the magic of the theater.

- How I loved it.
- That was Paris... A long, long time ago.

Still, I would like to parade
down the runway tonight...

...if I could hide
my extra pounds of contentment.

My pet, I'm only trying to say that
Chantal is what I am... what we are.

We are good people, and she's
a good girl. Of course she is.

But there's nothing in the book that says good people
can't meet bad people and turn out not so good.

You don't think
she'll go back there, do you?

Not if you insist that she doesn't...

...but you know what happened to
Juliet when the parents interfered.

I want Charlotte to get married,
but to a man with principles.

Men develop appetites
when they are 12...

...muscles when they are 16...

...and principles
only after they are married.

Being married
is the nicest thing to be.

Maybe so, but I'm not ready
to make the compromise yet...

...and he most certainly isn't.

Marriage is not a compromise.
It is a challenge...

...a challenge you should be
ready to accept.

A challenge?
Certainly.

It takes a clever woman
to make a good husband.

That's why
there are so few of them.

It is not difficult
to keep a man interested for one evening...

...but could you keep one interested
day after day...

...and all through the nights?
Mm. I'd like to try.

But he said marriage is an institution
sponsored by women for women...

...and that he was never
gonna get married.

His father, Adam Wright, thinks
he's some kind of a merry widower.

And Eugene thinks it's just great how
daddy makes out with all the young girls.

He wants to be just like him...
a... Dirty old man.

Um, the father is still alive?
Hmm! And pinching.

Well, perhaps you should save
yourself for... "the dirty old man. "

Maman, be serious.
I like him very much.

Don't make wrinkles, chouchou.

Well, I know it immodest
for me to say it...

...but your maman is a genius
at this kind of thing.

Your father came to Paris
for one week to import antiques.

He had one book of traveler's checks,
two changes of pajamas.

He used all the checks,
none of the pajamas.

And the only thing he imported was moi.

Now rest assured, little chicken,
the boy has not a chance.

Marriage is our institution...

...and we're not going
out of business.

Just my luck she's gotta be nuts.

And just what do you think
you're doing?

No guesswork involved.

Won't you come in?

Lobster cr�me canap�
to start with.

Good-bye, Miss Stacy. Do
you have plans for dinner?

Good-bye, Miss Stacy. Do
you like veal printanier?

I have given up eating,
Miss Stacy.

Good. Veal printanier's just the dish
to perk up one's appetite.

Still, maybe we ought to forget
the brandy chestnut souffl�.

Well, that is if you're
really not famished.

What'd you have for lunch?
I didn't have lunch, Miss Stacy.

Oh, then by all means
the brandy chestnut souffl�.

And dumplings for the veal.

Maman suggested
the potage Cr�cy.

What a tragic waste of good food.
Oh? You changed your plans?

Your telephone service said that
you'd be in the darkroom all day, but...

...well, that you would be home
this evening.

The information is correct,
but limited.

They failed to report
whether I'd be home alone...

...or not.

Hi, doll.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just cook
and serve the dinner and then get lost.

I guess I owe you that
at least.

Gee, your jaw looks better.
How's your eye?

You mean you'd really
play the maid?

What time would you like
your aperitifs, Mr. Wright, sir?

I'll bet you even have a
bicarbonate in there. Certainly not.

White mint,
which I will frapp� beautifully.

Or I might add brandy, and you
and the lady could have a stinger.

I don't know.
Which would the lady prefer?

Ask her.
I am.

Which would the lady prefer?

She just came by
to pick up some pictures.

Oh, then it's just gonna be
the two of us.

And your father, of course.
Uh-uh.

Maman reminded him what happened in
Verona when the parents got in the act.

Well, we're hardly Romeo and Juliet.

In fact, we're hardly anything at all.

And after tonight, probably
we won't ever see each other again.

Ever... Probably.

You know, the agency men
think you're beautiful.

I showed them the pictures,
and they got all excited.

I, uh, could have that calendar job.

Gene, that's marvelous.
Congratulations.

Hmm. It's all very sad though.

I could have the job,
but only with you as the model.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gene,
but my father would never approve.

Oh, but don't fret.
It'll all work out.

I'm sure of it,
and so is Maman.

Why, it's so simple, I wonder why
I didn't think of it before. What?

I'm sure the idea must have occurred
to you. Oh, of course it has.

What's occurred to me?

Well, marrying me so that my father
wouldn't have any say in the matter.

What!

No, I'm sorry, Eugene,
but that's not good enough for me.

Now, just a minute. I don't
have to consider it for a second.

The answer is no.

You are a nut.
A nut.

Because I won't marry you
just to further your career?

Strange as it might seem to you, there are still
a lot of people in this world who marry for love.

I'm terribly disappointed in you,
Mr. Wright.

Getting married
was the farthest thing from my mind.

That's what I thought. I mean,
that's why I'm so surprised.

I never dreamed it would
come to this, and so suddenly.

Have you forgotten what you
told me about your father?

Not for one minute. And I
wouldn't if I were you, ever.

Men like you and your father
shouldn't even consider being husbands.

It's... Well, it's an unfair challenge.
An unfair chal...

Oh, you are a charming date,
but I can't help wondering...

...could you manage to keep a lady
interested day after day after day...

...and all through the nights, hmm?

I'm not so sure.
Could I keep a...

It's happened again. Suddenly I'm deep in a conversation,
and I haven't the slightest idea how I got into it.

Perhaps this will
help you out of it.

Good night.

Hey, wait a minute.
What...

Don't disturb yourself, ch�ri.
That will be for Chantal.

It's...
It's a quarter after 3:00.

Well, some things are not
done by the clock. What?

Mr. Wright has accepted
the challenge.

He has come to propose.
"Propose"?

Why, Charlotte hasn't known him
any time at all.

You proposed to me
the day after we met...

...and we had a language barrier.

- Come back to bed.
- Well...

Shouldn't we... Go down there?
Certainly not.

My future son-in-law is not going
to see me looking like this.

It would be a disadvantage
I might never overcome.

To bed, grand-papa.
At last you can get some sleep.

The house is full of love.

Incredible.

As father of the bride,
I'm very proud.

My only wish is that the father
of the groom could be here...

...to realize what a lucky father-in-law
he's becoming.

He sent us a lovely cable
from Madrid today.

He wants a photograph of me.

Gene's going to send him
the best of my wedding pictures.

Oh. "My wedding. "

Oh, Father.

Something borrowed.

From the Folies Berg�re.

Well, I'll be waiting at the top of
the stairs with a good steady arm.

You look like a bride yourself.
Oh.

You do.

Well.

Oh, Maman, I am so afraid.
Of love?

Mm-mmm.
Of being disappointed in it.

Chouchou,
if you come to love and say to it...

"If you're so wonderful,
please me, satisfy me, fulfill me,"

...then you probably
will be disappointed.

It all depends on what
you yourself bring to it.

Don't you disappoint love.

Maman, thank God for you.

Thank God for love.

Hey, Chantal.

Hey, where is everybody?
Over here, boss.

All of us, ready for work.

June bride for the calendar.

Maman copied it
from one of her old costumes.

Honey, she has a sensational idea
for July...

...with a star, a stripe
and a great big firecracker.

You get dressed.
But, honey...

No wife of mine is going
to display herself in any calendar.

But the job, the agency men...
You said it meant so much.

Charlotte, I said get dressed.

- Un homme est un homme jusqu'a ce qu'il se marie.
- What?

"A man is a man until he marries.
Then he becomes a husband. "

All right. What would the children think with
Mama bursting forth from January to December?

"Children"? Oh, Eugene,
what a lovely idea.

We are gonna have
such a lovely life together.

I can hardly wait.
Everything is just perfect.

Tina?
Tina, welcome to New York.

If I didn't know you were just
my old classmate from Boston Junior...

I'd say for sure you were a movie star!

Oh, watch the hair, honey.

And you, Chantal, you've
definitely got that married look.

And doesn't it agree with you.

I like your face fuller.

Oh, I can't believe it. Only
yesterday, we were playing house.

About your husband,
is he cute?

Oh, he's very nice. Oh,
if I know you, he's a doll.

Oh, but New York is full
of marvelous-looking men.

And they all have that look of just
having had martinis with their secretaries.

Nonsense. The majority look
very much like the men in Boston...

...armies of them in little dark suits.

Yes, but, in Boston,
those little suits fit.

Here they seem to be bursting at
the seams. I'm going to love it.

How long do you plan
to stay, Tina?

Oh, darling,
I'm here for good...

...or bad.

What a cute little place.

Thank you.
Make yourself at home.

He's left you? Gene had to go out
for a while. He'll be back soon.

Here, I'll take that.
Oh.

Gee, I like your coat.
What's up the stairs?

Another apartment.
This used to be a duplex.

- Can't you chop it down or something?
- We like it.

Oh, I get it. You like it because you can
tuck yourself away at the top of the stairs...

...and keep an eye on daddy
with all those sexy models.

Mm-hmm, an excellent perch.

Don't be ridiculous. True, Gene does work
with some of the world's most beautiful women...

...and, true, they are anything
but overdressed, but it's...

Well, he's their... Their doctor,
and-and this is his office.

It's all very professional and...
and terribly impersonal.

Sometime let me tell you about
a doctor I went to in Boston.

Hmm, what a peppy type.
I should have sent him the bill.

- Eugene is a married man.
- The worst kind.

Sit down, Tina.

Would you like a drink?
Mm. Scotch on the rocks.

Are you gonna look for a job,
do you think?

Well, my parents were so glad
to get rid of me...

...they gave me a blank checkbook
as a going-away present.

But if the right boss
should happen along...

Hi, honey.

Boy, I got some fantastic shots
this afternoon.

The light couldn't have been more perfect, and I
was always in the right place at the right time.

The agency called me
just after you left.

I'm Tina, Chantal's old school chum.

You must be Gene.

Well, of course it's Gene.
Good heavens.

Don't let her kid you. I'm the Good Humor man.
Gene's a little squinty guy with a camera.

Oh, Chantal, you didn't say
half enough about him.

He's very attractive. Well,
I'm sure glad to meet you, Tina.

My, my. The boys in Boston better mend their
fences, lettin' you and Chantal get away.

Well, I'll say this much for Chantal.

She managed to get engaged
to most of them before she left.

O- Oh, could I fix you a drink, Gene?

No. I'll fix it myself.

Say, uh... Say, Tina,
are you a dancer?

I've, uh, danced in my time. Oh?
How about modeling in your time?

Haven't gotten around to it yet.
Here, what do you think?

Make you want to, uh, buy it?

By the gallon.

I think I'll see about dinner.

I said I think I'll see about dinner.

What, hon?

I think I'll see about dinner.

Oh, good, good. Say, Tina,
the Goodman Tire Company...

...puts out
a very elaborate calendar every year.

I came pretty close to doing the artwork
on it this year, but I just missed out.

So, I was, uh... Well, I was thinking
of planning my next year's pitch now.

You look like a little bit
of perfection up there.

Yes, yes, a little bit of perfection.
Now hold it a minute.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Tina, do me a favor.
Take a deep breath.

That's it. That's it.
And your chest full and high.

Higher. A little higher.
Okay, boss.

Yeah, good.
Now think of something beautiful.

Really beautiful, huh?

Thinkin' of something beautiful?
Mm-hmm.

Good. Just...

Hold that way,
you good-lookin' thing you.

Hold it a second, Tina.
Yeah, face front, honey.

- I wanna set this backlight.
Keep facing front. - Mm-hmm.

- Whee!
- Oh! That tickles!

Oh-oh-oh! You!
Whee!

Got a match?

Cut that...

You dropped your...

Oh! Hey, you've gotta give me
a little while to fix my makeup.

Hi, hon.

Oh, hi. I got some checking to do in the
darkroom anyway. I'll just be a minute.

You like it because you can tuck
yourself away at the top of the stairs...

...and keep an eye on daddy
with all those sexy models.

Hey, Gene, you said a minute.

Come on back, baby. All is
forgiven. Here I am, honey.

Listen, if we hurry, we can get
this before lunch, all right? Mm-hmm.

Now tilt your head back
the way you had it.

Good. Good.

Now it's chest high.
High and...

Hold it. Good.

Turn over.

All right.
All right?

Now tilt your head just...

Hey, something smells good. Yeah,
forward to the camera. That's it.

I'm no Betty Crocker, but it smells
to me like something's burning.

Now hold it, Tina.
Good.

You know, I think you're right.

Now let's try
a complete profile, honey. Yeah.

Say, Chantal, is everything
under control in there?

Go ahead,
cross your legs at the ankle.

That's it.
Chantal?

Now, honey, sit up
and face the other way.

That's it. Lean on your arms. Good. I know Chantal's
an exotic cook, but isn't that a bit much?

What... Chantal!

Shut those doors.

Well, where were you... Mrs. O'Leary,
when your cow started the fire?

Fire? Oh, good heavens!
My shrimp!

Uh, I needed some milk
for the cream sauce.

- Chocolate milk on shrimp?
- Uh, yes.

I'll find us something for lunch.

I'm sorry. Don't worry about
it. And forget about lunch too.

We're gonna do some shooting in the park
this afternoon, and we'll grab a bite there.

Say, you'd better get dressed.

Anything you say, boss.

Gene?
Huh?

I am sorry.
Oh, forget it.

Seven. Oh, Mrs. Appley,
what a beautiful family.

I told your father weeks ago, when
Mrs. Appley came home from the park...

...with that faraway look in her eye,
that our family was expanding.

He just pooh-poohed me, but I know
when one of my own sex has known love...

...or trouble.

I need help, Maman.
Make me a clever woman.

You told me once that it takes a
clever woman to make a good marriage...

...and I want a good marriage.

Help me, Maman.

There, chouchou.

Now, hadn't we better talk
about Tina and Eugene?

Oh-Oh, it's not Tina, not really.
I know that.

Eugene is preoccupied with her,
but it's more his work than Tina.

I think.

He's always complaining
that I find too much for him to do.

I... I have to drag him
to go shopping with me.

Oh, Maman, in short,
the honeymoon is over.

I think Eugene and I
would have been much happier...

...if I'd become his mistress
instead of his wife.

Possibly. You, however, Chantal, are
not emotionally suited to be a mistress.

So you'd better make the best
of being a wife.

Stop treating Eugene like a husband.

That's why he's acting like one.

Stop treating my husband
like a husband?

Chouchou, I have a secret for a
truly happy marriage. You have?

Oh, did I hear your father come in?

No. I didn't hear anything.
Please, Maman, go on.

I warn you, this is not easy
to accept at first.

You will laugh at me.

No. You, it will probably shock.
Maman, tell me.

I must admit that the idea
seems rather bizarre.

However, this little book can
help you create a marital paradise.

Read it and let it work for you.

"How to Train Man's Best... Friend"?

Or how to housebreak
friend husband.

M- Maman, you're not serious?

Serious? Oui.

Mischievous? Oui.

If you want a perfect marriage,
treat your husband like a dog.

Come, come, cabbage head.

Where's the delicious sense
of mischief you used to have?

Oh, well, if you must know,
I think it's disgusting...

...treating your husband
like a dog.

Sit down, Joan of Arc.

I happen to be very fond of dogs,
but, since you're so sensitive...

I will substitute the word "pet. "

Now, a well-trained pet
is not only much happier...

...but a much gayer companion.

Personally, I believe that some husbands
are not given the consideration and love...

...of the average dog.

But my husband...
Hello. I'm home.

In the library, darling.

Why not just whistle?

Enough out of you.

It is your marriage
that needs attention, not mine.

I've read the book.
Our training period is over.

Charlotte, I only hope you make your
husband as happy as your mother has made me.

I think she will.
The opportunity is hers.

For years, Maman has had me
eating out of the palm of her hand.

My pet.

Oh! I have to go fix Gene's biscuits...
Dinner.

We're having pork. Heh.
Very good with biscuits.

Chouchou. The book.

I have very little time
for reading, thank you.

Some long afternoon
when Gene is occupied with Tina...

...perhaps you might
find the time.

Gene!

Eugene, I need you.

Here, boy.

Gene!

"Calling Your Dog.
It is important to make sure...

"your puppy associates the words
'Come' or 'Come here'...

...with something
that gives him pleasure. "

"When he comes, be sure to pet him.

"Any puppy will be eager
to repeat the act...

...that brings with it a reward. "

Gene? Darling, could you
come here a minute?

Honey, I'm supposed to be the breadwinner
around here. You know how busy I am.

What do you want? This,
honey. I just wanted this.

That all?
Not if you want more.

You little nut. What
are you up to? Nothing.

I'm just hanging a few pictures. I'm sorry I
bothered you. But it did get a little lonesome in here.

It was kind of a nice break.
Honey...

...is this all right,
or does this look better?

Well, uh, let me hold them,
and you judge.

"Remember, praise is very important. "

So, how's this?
Perfect.

Oh, Eugene, you've gotten them
just right. Here, let me mark them.

Thank you, darling. You don't know what a help
you've been. I could've never done it alone.

Anytime. Just whistle.

Remember, breadwinner,
you have all that work to do.

Man cannot live by bread alone.

Say, how come you're so much
more beautiful than the rest?

Maman says that if a woman
keeps telling herself...

"I am beautiful.
I am lovely," she will be.

You must talk
to yourself a lot.

You're getting to be an
expert with that door. Mm-hmm.

Go back to sleep. It's Saturday.
The slaves are free.

Free to go down to Bloomingdale's to pick out
material for the new drapes in the studio.

They're having
a yard goods sale.

Come on. Up, slave.
Not today, Charlie.

- What did you call me?
- Charlie. Funny, but I like it.

I'm not at all sure I do.

But, anyway,
I'm getting up and so are you.

And I am going in to make coffee.

And when I come back, Eugene,
I expect to find you in that shower.

I'll tell you a secret.
I don't wanna go to Bloomingdale's.

"Your puppy should
never fear the leash.

"But he will if you persist in trying to
drag him unwillingly by the neck.

"At first, let your pet
take you for a walk.

"No matter where he wants to go,
follow him.

"Very soon he will think
going with you is such fun.

You will have no difficulty in taking him...
wherever you want to go. "

Gene.
Mmm?

You're right. This is Saturday,
and you've put in a terrific week's work.

So how's this for service? Breakfast in bed,
followed by lunch and dinner, too, if you like.

This is your day.

If you decide you want to get up and go
out, we'll do whatever you want to do.

- You mean it?
- Anyplace. Anytime.

You lead, my pet.
I'll follow.

Gene.
Mm?

Bloomingdale's is just
one block over.

When you decide which pipe you want, then
we can go pick out our drapery material.

Well, honey, Mr. Ritter and I are
going to work out a new tobacco mixture.

Why don't you go on over, and I'll
meet you at home. I'm bushed anyway.

Say, let's start with that batch you
made me last summer. It was quite spicy.

Excellent.
I remember.

Hello?

Oh, hello, chouchou.

Oh, I'm glad you're home. We're doing some
fieldwork on the lesson of the leash today.

No, not so good. Well, I've let
him lead me all over creation...

...and now "pet" refuses to follow
for just one block.

He won't budge.
What do I do?

- The instructions are quite explicit.
- That's fine, but I don't have the book with me.

Chantal, you must commit
each rule to memory...

...so you will have the ammunition
at hand as the situations arise.

In this case, Rule Seven:

"If your puppy refuses to budge,
jerk the leash sharply.

"Just enough to get him started.
Once he's headed in the right direction...

"slacken the leash immediately...

...and praise him lavishly
for coming along with you. "

The praise is
the important part, chouchou.

Thank you, Maman.

Here you go. Thank you very much,
Mr. Wright. Pleasant puffing.

Thank you.
All set?

Oh, you're still here?
Yes, I'm still here...

...and you are coming along
to Bloomingdale's with me.

All right. After all, darling,
you are the artist in the family.

I need you. I mean, suppose I picked out something
that would offend your sense of color or design?

Really, Eugene, I am glad you're coming
along with me. You have such fabulous taste.

Well, I picked you, didn't I?

Okay, Charlie,
you take the lead.

Maman, that book has made
a new man of Eugene.

You can't imagine how he's
changed. I call, he comes gladly.

We hardly ever argue anymore. I just follow the
rule: "Never lose your temper with your puppy. "

Oh. You never lose your temper?
Mm-mm.

- Well, he has changed.
- Of course, I'm careful, like the book says, not to overtrain him.

I frolic with him a part of each day. You know, that's
especially important if your pet is fun-loving by nature.

And mine is extremely fun-loving.

You make living together so much fun
that he really doesn't mind being married.

That's right. I...

I. Oh, Maman,
why didn't you tell me?

Well, Gene hasn't changed at all.
He's exactly the same.

I'm the one who's been in training.
I'm the one who's changed.

Exactly.

The only thing that has changed is the
way you treat your husband... Like a dog.

Maman, you are a genius.

For this, we both have
my mother to thank.

She once told me to observe: Husbands
often leave home; pets never do.

There must be a reason. A smart
mother who had a smart mother.

I must say that does give one
a terrific sense of security.

And to think, I used to be worried
about my French and Boston background.

I always thought your combination
perfect... Especially for an American.

French in the boudoir.
Boston in the parlor.

But for heaven's sake, chouchou,
never confuse them.

Well, if it isn't Little Red Riding Hood.
How's the wolf situation?

Well, Gene's gone to
Philadelphia for the day. I know.

Oh, rations for Grandma?
No. A puppy from Mrs. Appley.

The kid have an early appointment?

No. It's the puppy's first night
away from his family.

The hot water bottle and ticking
alarm clock will keep him company.

You know, the sound of
a heartbeat and the warmth of the body?

I must try it.

Tina, how about a nice cup
of hot coffee?

I baked a coconut cake this morning...
with fresh coconut.

No, I can't, baby.
Gene's got me on a diet.

Hmm, you're lucky. You can
turn into a little butterball if you like.

Me? He's always pinching
to see if I've gained an ounce.

Butterball?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

He likes you just the way you are.

Likes you?
He's unbalanced when it comes to you.

I will have a little scotch
to keep the cold out.

Yeah. Sure.

W- What do you mean "unbalanced"?
Did he say something?

My dear, he's an absolute bore when it comes
to you. I think you've got him drugged.

Oh?

I'll have that scotch straight.
What have you been doing with yourself?

We don't see much of you
around the studio anymore.

Oh, I've decided Gene should be
left alone while he's working.

I visit Maman.
Do my shopping. Read in the park.

To you, Deborah.

In the movies, your part
is always played by Deborah Kerr.

- My part?
- You know, the perfect wife?

Tina, what is wrong
with you today?

Today and every day.
I'll be honest with you, doll.

I'm lonely.

Oh. Of course, I have
my very dear friends...

...the Johnnie Walkers and the
Schenley's and... Other scotch types.

Tina, come and sit down
with me for a minute.

Oh, that's just the way
Deborah would have said it.

With heart. And who am I?

Ava Gardner? Yeah.
I'm Ava Gardner.

And what do I do in this scene?

I pour myself another belt.
Do you think you should?

Oh, that's a pretty good line too.
Lots of consideration for the other woman.

Lots of heart.
That's you, Chantal.

You wanna know something?
You make me sick.

Oh, I didn't mean that.
Honestly, I didn't.

Tina, honey.

No cause for alarm.

These aren't real tears.
It's just a little trick I do.

Funny. I used to think
you were such a ninny.

Look at you now.
You've got the world, and...

I've got nothing.
Nothing?

You've always had
everything you wanted.

Beauty. Hundreds of admirers.
A rich father.

I don't want hundreds of admirers.
I want a man like Gene.

Oh, no. Not Gene, baby.
Just some nice guy like him.

How do you do it?

Oh, I don't know
how successful I am at it.

Gene says you have the secret
of keeping a husband happy.

Tell me, what is it?

Oh-Oh, it's nothing really.
Gene shouldn't talk so much.

- I'm gonna go get a ginger ale.
- Please, Chantal.

Well, it's nothing infallible.

It's an idea... A theory... Maman had.

Oh, Tina, I shouldn't be
telling you this. Go ask Maman.

Tell me.

Well... I-I don't know how to start.

There's a-a book.

- A book?
- Well, just a little book.

Now remember, it's not easy
to see its possibilities... Not right away.

In fact, it might even seem ridiculous.

Is that it?

Yes.

Now you must remember,
it isn't easy to...

Well, I tried to prepare you.

Believe me, I felt exactly
the same way about it at first.

But when you stop to think about it,
a lot of husbands aren't given...

...the consideration
and love of the average dog.

Well, it's true. Correct training is the
best possible treatment any pet can receive.

Well, husbands are like pets. In the beginning, they
have a hard time learning to live with a stranger.

Tina? Tina?

Well, you can at least have the manners not to
laugh at something you obviously don't understand.

Oh, I understand, all right.

I can just see you rolling Gene over
and scratching his tummy.

I do not scratch Gene on his tummy.

If I scratch him,
I scratch him behind his ear.

I've seen you do it!

Hello there.

Lassie's home. Oh!

Hello there.
Say, didn't I give you the day off?

You did, and have I been
having fun. Hi, honey.

Hi.
Arf! Arf!

Hey. What's the joke? No joke. We
were just having some girl talk.

Oh, go on. Tell him, Chantal.
It's kind of a shaggy dog tale.

Yeah, come on. Tell me.
I could use a good laugh.

Oh, I'm afraid Tina's just easily
amused this afternoon. Oh, not at all.

I couldn't have been more depressed
when I arrived.

I thought nothing would make me laugh today,
but Frank Buck over here did the trick.

Speaking of tricks,
you didn't tell me. Does he do any?

Who? Oh! I made a coconut cake
today... with fresh coconut.

I'll get you a piece. Well, I don't think
I want any. Not before dinner anyway.

But I could use a drink.
I worked like a dog today.

All right, ladies,
what's so funny?

Oh, honey, look. Look what Mrs.
Appley sent us. Isn't he adorable?

- We'll have to name him.
- Eugene II.

- Are you loaded?
- Yes.

But I'm housebroken.
Here, boy.

Don't look now, madam, but your eyes
just crossed. The dog is over there.

Madam knows a dog
when madam sees one.

Madam needs a drink.
Come on, Rover, catch.

I think you've had enough.
Well, how rude.

There must something in this book
about behavior in front of the guests.

Tina, I'd like to give you
a nice cup of hot coffee.

And then Gene can
go get you a cab.

I get the message.
About your book, Chantal...

...thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Any fool can see that this is
a great big hunting hound...

...and you've turned him
into a little lap dog.

That book can't be too hot, Chantal.

Training shouldn't break
the spirit of the beast.

No thanks to the cab also.

"How to Train Man's Best Friend. "
Say, what gives with this book?

Whose is it?
Maman's.

Oh, she loaned it to you
to train Mrs. Appley's offspring, huh?

Um...

Play it, Deborah. Play it.
Ava has to go.

Just a minute, Tina. There's something
funny going on with this book...

...and all those doggy remarks
you've been making.

Now why would Chantal give you this book
anyway? You don't have a dog, do you?

- Well, now that you mention it, they do all seem to turn out to be.
- Can't anybody speak so I can understand?

My dear, you must have had a terrible
time with him. He's not very quick.

Good-bye, Tina,
and thanks awfully.

A terrible time doing what?

Why, didn't you know, pet? That's
why you're such a model husband.

Because you're so well-trained...
by the rules in that book.

Good-bye, Chantal.

And you're welcome... Awfully.

"Praise is important.
Remember this in training your pet.

"How to make him fetch and carry.
How to make him follow.

"How to make the words 'Come here'
mean something pleasurable.

"When he comes...

"reward him...

...scratch him behind the ear. "

- How could you do this to me?
- I did it for us... For our marriage.

Oh, when I think of it...
From the day we were married...

...you've been training me like a...
like a... -

I didn't start the day we were married.
Not for weeks and weeks.

I'm amazed you waited so long. Weren't you
afraid I'd make a mess in front of company?

May I explain, please? Explain?
What is there to explain?

I am not a dog!

Where are you going?
Going out to get some air.

Good, I'll take you for a walk.

Oh. I mean... I mean,
I'll go for a walk with you.

I don't know what I mean.

Just burn the leash, Mrs. Wright. I'm perfectly
capable of going out on the town myself.

You know, Tina was right. I am a hunter,
and I still haven't forgotten how to point.

If you don't hear from me,
call the pound.

It's not quite the same, is it, baby?

Is he still angry?
Worse than angry.

Now he's indifferent.
Every minute of the day or night...

...he's either taking a picture, about to take a
picture or developing a picture he already took.

It's his business.
And I'm his wife.

A neglected wife. Perhaps it is
time you found yourself a lover.

Tsk. Oh, Maman, how could you
think of such a thing?

I can assure you the idea
did not originate with me.

It is quite an established custom.
In France perhaps.

No, no. They even have them
in Boston. I did.

I can still see him so clearly.

Your father has grown old
with the years, but him, never.

There he stands. Tall, mature.

His thick, black hair
beautifully gray at the temples.

Oh, Maman,
I'm very disappointed.

I love you,
and maybe you had your reasons...

Oh, I did. Your father was annoyed
at me for some little thing.

He was ignoring me.
So, I opened the door to Robert Swan.

Well, I just hope Father
never finds out about Robert Swan.

Oh, he knew.
Yes, he knew.

He was so jealous.
Oh, it was marvelous and very amusing.

And just who was
this Robert Swan?

Nobody really.
And Father knew him?

Knew of him. They never met.

Your father is very civilized,
but he never invited my lover to tea.

Maman, don't say that word.

Anyway, I don't believe you.

Ask your father. He's home.

I'm sure he remembers Robert Swan.

Oh, yes.
I knew about him from the start.

It was some years ago when your mother thought
she was being taken a bit too much for granted.

So she invented Robert Swan.

"Invented"?
Yes. He was nobody really.

She felt I needed
the stimulus of a lover.

She's not thinking of
reviving him to torment Gene?

Of course.
Of course that's her plan.

How exciting.
Poor Eugene.

Poor Eugene.
A little competition might revive him.

Tell me,
how did Maman work it?

He would call the house, and if I answered,
there'd be a guilty click on the other end.

Oh, the click drove me
out of my mind.

But if he was nobody,
how-how could he call?

He couldn't. But any of
your mother's girlfriends could.

You know how you females
plot together.

- All they had to do was call...
- And if a man answers, hang up.

Has your father cleared my good name?

Mm-hmm.
It's a delicious idea.

Maman, do you think
I might borrow your Mr. Swan?

For a daughter to borrow a mother's lover
is in questionable taste.

Even in Paris.

Germaine, if the gentleman never existed,
how could it be in questionable taste?

That is true, but I pictured him so clearly that I
keep forgetting he existed only in my imagination.

Very well, chouchou.
Since your father approves...

I most definitely do not approve.
In fact, I think it's...

But, my dear, you just said...
What I said was...

Well, let's forget it. And you,
Charlotte, had best forget Robert Swan.

- He'd be much too old for you now anyway.
- Not to pick up the phone and dial.

Maybe he had a son.
Bye, Father.

- Merci. Merci beaucoup, Maman.
- You're welcome, chouchou.

Isn't it lovely? Even now,
a small part of your father...

...is not completely sure
there was no Robert Swan.

Maman, you must
call me tonight.

And, if a man answers...
It's the click that drives them mad.

And they say it's the female
who's the curious one. Bye-bye, Maman.

Bye, darling.

Oh. The roses.
Roses?

On your way home, send yourself two dozen
long-stem roses from the very best florist.

Long-stem. That's very important.
Long-stem roses. Mr. Swan is expensive.

And no card. When Gene wants to
know who sent them, tell him you did.

Never lie to him.
Now, when ordering the roses...

...pretend you are Mr. Swan's secretary.

And mention his name often to the
florist, so he will be sure to remember it.

- Mrs. Stacy, you are a witch.
- Yes.

Come on. Come on.

Here we are, angel whites.
A rose of rare perfection.

Well, they're lovely.
You did say 12.50 a dozen?

Yes. That's right. I don't suppose
he could just send one dozen.

No. Not Mr. Robert Swan. I-I'm always
trying to economize for my boss.

I see. And no card. Mr. Swan
was very emphatic about that.

Mr. Robert Swan is a
very emphatic man. I see.

In the future, I will be placing Mr. Swan's order
by phone. You will remember when I call?

Mr. Robert Swan. I shan't
forget. I'm counting on you.

Now hold it.

I tell you what, let's try it
one more time, ladies, huh?

Somehow that one
just didn't quite gel.

Give me a little venom.
This time, no expression at all.

Chantal, the doorbell.

Excuse me, will you?

Here you go, sport.
Flowers?

Could be long cigars.

Flowers.
Uh, what's the occasion, honey?

Why doesn't my husband
ever remember our anniversary?

Can't be an anniversary. Not yet.
Must be Chantal's birthday.

All right, girls. All right. It's
not anything at all. I don't think.

Chantal, show yourself, girl.

Come on out, Chantal.
Come out. Come on out.

You got a surprise.
What's going on here?

Exactly, Mrs. Wright.
What is going on?

Uh, flowers for you and not
from your husband. Flowers?

Or long cigars.

Oh, they're perfectly beautiful.

Long-stems. Look at that.
Huh. No card.

No card?
No card.

But they are perfectly lovely.
Aren't they, honey? Smell.

- But there must be a card.
- No.

Isn't it lucky
we have this vase?

It'd be such a shame
to cut off these beautiful long stems.

No card, huh?
No card.

Odd, wouldn't you say?
No. Not really.

You see, I sent them. Two dozen,
long-stemmed white roses...

...from a Fifth Avenue florist?
Yes.

Fancy.

Mm. Those flowers smell of
a summer garden I once knew.

Those roses smell of something, all right.

Oh.

I'll answer it.

Hello. Hello?

Who was it?
Uh, wrong number.

I guess.
Oh.

You're not mad about
that dog book anymore?

What dog book?

Hello. Hello?

Now look, I know you're there
'cause I can hear you breathing.

Did I hear the phone? You
did. Another wrong number.

Oh. Probably my mother.
Your mother?

Now why would your mother call
and then hang up?

Why don't you ask her? You know she
does such crazy things sometimes.

You look so beautiful this morning. And
you look like Tarzan in a snow storm.

Why don't you go finish shaving.
Breakfast is almost ready.

Yes, I'm Chantal Wright.
Thank you very much.

Not more roses?
Yes.

And you sent them?
Yes.

You know, it looks like Pasadena on New Year's
Day as it is. Now why would you order any more?

Because I like roses.
Obviously.

Smells like a sachet bag in here.

You know, it's getting so I look
forward to the aroma of the darkroom.

Well, now how can you say that
when they smell so...

...sweet.

All right, Charlie.

It's time we did
some plain talking about those roses.

There's something
very funny going on here.

Funny? Are you suggesting that
someone else is sending them?

Well, now that you mention it, yes.
Oh.

Charlie, what's the matter?
You all right? What is it?

Oh, darling, please don't think that. Don't think
that someone else is sending them. Please don't.

Okay, honey. I won't. I won't.
Just don't cry, please. Don't cry?

I think I should go lie
down for a bit. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll help you.

I'll help you.
Oh. Ohh.

Okay. Okay.

Oh. I forgot to put the roses in water.
You will take of them for me, won't you?

Gladly.

Okay. Okay.

Hello. Hello?

He hung up again.

I'm sure it's Maman.

Oh, no, Charlie. You know
what it sounds like to me?

No. What does it sound like to you?

It sounds like if a man answers, hang up.

And just what are you implying?

I am not implying anything.
I am saying it quite plainly.

Okay. All right.
Forget about it.

We'll talk about it later, honey,
when you're feeling better.

If you doubt my love,
I'll never feel any better.

Oh, no, baby. I love you.
All I want is your love.

And that's all I want, Gene.
Honestly.

No more white roses?
No more white roses.

From now on,
I'll send gladiolas.

Well, should I change
the color too, honey?

That's up to you.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I have
some work to do in my darkroom.

Hello.

It did? Oh, yes.

Well, my. Yes, yes.
You did exactly right, chouchou.

Soon it will all be over.

The irate husband will pay a call
on the Fifth Avenue florist...

...bribe the name of Robert Swan
out of the salesman, come home...

...and confront you with
the name of your lover...

...and make you promise never to see
or hear from Robert Swan again.

You will tell him the truth.
That there is no such man.

He, of course,
will not believe you.

But that will be the last
of Mr. Swan, and all will be happy.

Good. Those roses cost me
my new winter coat.

You will have your love
to keep you warm.

Good-bye, chouchou.
Bye-bye, Maman.

Whew! Oh!
Sorry.

Where have you been?
Radio City Music Hall.

- Until 8:00 at night?
- Dinner won't take but a minute to heat up, honey.

I hope you don't mind. We're having
leftovers. I didn't have time to shop.

Some more roses came for you while
you were at Radio City Music Hall.

Oh, I'm sure not.
I ordered gladiolas.

Pink. You seemed so tired of white.

Mm-hmm. Gladiolas. Or is it
gladioli? Anyway, they're pink.

Chantal, there's no need
for any more lies between us.

I know all about Robert Swan.

I paid a little visit to the florist
this afternoon... And I do mean "paid. "

So let's be honest
with each other for a change, huh?

But, darling, I have never been anything
but honest with you. There is no Robert Swan.

He is a figment of Maman's imagination
that I borrowed to make you jealous...

...because I thought you were neglecting me
because I made you mad treating you like a dog.

Honey, it's all perfectly true. And, furthermore,
I sent and paid for those roses.

- Oh, boy, did I pay for those roses.
- Please, Chantal, don't go on, huh?

Look, if you've fallen for
someone else, I can't stand in your way.

Things like this do happen, you know. I never thought
it could happen to us. A guy's gotta be realistic.

When a thing is over, it's over.
Now wait a minute.

Why? I love you, and you love
him. It's as simple as that.

Don't you want me to give him up?
What kind of heel do you think I am?

I have no right to ask you
to give up the man you love.

No right? You're my husband.
Of course you have a right.

Great Scott, man,
fight for me. I...

What am I saying?
Eugene, there is no one to fight with.

That's what gets me. I can't understand why
you keep denying it. Are you trying to save me?

Darling, sit down.

Just sit down, Eugene.

Now, look, you're imagining all this
because I wanted you to.

I wanted you to
think the the worst of me.

Well, then why do you keep telling me it's Maman
on the phone and that you sent yourself the flowers?

Because I knew
you wouldn't believe me.

It's the truth, but it sounds like
a bunch of lies.

So by telling you the truth,
you'd think I was lying and then I...

Now you've really got me
mixed up, and it's so simple, Eugene!

Poor Charlie, I-I know. You just don't wanna
hurt me. What's this Swan fellow like anyway?

I hope he's a great guy.
I'd hate to give you up to just anybody.

He's not married, is he?
He's not anything!

He's just not, that's what he is!
He isn't!

Eugene, I haven't been feeling well this
week, and I can't go on with this anymore.

I really can't.

So you just go fix yourself
a drink, and I'll get dinner.

And after dinner, we'll go over
to Washington Square...

...and Maman and Father
will explain away Robert Swan.

Th-That'll be Maman calling now.
Don't give her a chance to hang up.

Tell her you know who it is, and that,
after dinner, we'll be over for a brandy.

Eugene, answer it!

Hello. I know who this is. Mr. Swan,
if you're man enough for my wife...

I would think you'd be
man enough to speak up.

That's better. Yeah. She's standing right
here. Would you like to speak to her?

Oh, I see. No.
No, I wouldn't mind that at all.

In fact, that would be
most agreeable with me.

After all, I'm sure the only thing we're
both interested in is Chantal's happiness.

I'm glad to hear you say that.
Splendid.

I'm glad to hear that.
Good-bye, Mr. Swan. He'll be right over.

I'm gonna have that drink. Oh, and
you'd better set the table for three...

...in case he decides to
join us for dinner.

Too bad it's only leftovers.

Hadn't you better answer it?
I mean, after all, he is your friend.

I can't. I really can't.

Oh, Gene, honestly! This is ridiculous.
Of course it is. Of course it is.

We're civilized people. There's no
reason why the three of us shouldn't meet...

...sit down
and talk this whole thing over, hmm?

Good evening, Chantal.

Robert Swan.
Eugene Wright.

I'm very glad that you decided to
come out of hiding, Mr. Swan.

I wanted to face you without problem
sometime ago, Mr. Wright, but, uh, Chantal...

I never saw that man
before in my life! Darling.

Please, Chantal,
Mr. Swan came here to talk.

- I told you he was coming.
- Yes, I know. But never in my wildest dreams...

- And this is the wildest ever...
di-did I expect him to show up.

Oh?

Well, then why is
the table set for three?

Come on, now, Charlie.
Don't be rude. Shut the door.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Swan?
I'll take your coat. Thank you.

Would you, uh, care for something
to drink? Well, thank you. Yes.

Scotch with a splash of soda.
You got it.

What an attractive place
you have here.

- Oh, you've never been here before?
- Come now, of course not.

Well, I am gone a lot.

Yes, yes.
A most comfortable apartment.

You'll find that Chantal is quite a
homemaker as well as being a great cook.

French cooking, mostly. A bit free
with the butter, but very tasty.

Her mother's French, you know.

Yes, also very free with the butter.

I knew her mother quite well
some time ago in Boston.

Fabulous woman.
Oh, fabulous.

The daughter is not the mother,
but charming. Ooh, charming.

Mmm. This is delicious. Mind
you, these are just leftovers.

I feel guilty stealing such
a good cook away from you, Gene.

Oh, that's the least of it, Bob.
Say, how about some more broccoli?

Oh, thank you. Yes. What do
you mean "the least of it"?

Charlie, he obviously doesn't realize
that you are an artist in an apron.

What he meant was,
I have other talents.

I know, Charlie. I know.

You don't know any such thing,
and don't call me Charlie!

Honey, please. You're
right. Enough is enough.

I can't pretend any longer.
I love her, and I won't give her up.

I... I love her,
and I won't give her up.

Well, in that case, there's just one
thing to do. Sit down. I had a thought.

Coffee.
Cream and two sugars, please.

I had a thought. A bit unconventional maybe, but the heck
with the neighbors. Besides which, if it gets too bad...

...we can always move
to Greenwich Village.

I've been sitting here thinking, there's no reason
why the three of us couldn't get along together.

After all, you and I hit it off
famously, right, Bob? Famously, Gene.

And Chantal here is half-French.

The Boston half
is very often two-thirds.

Maman, sit down.
Just sit down.

You won't believe this,
but Mr. Swan is here. Robert Swan!

Now, now, ch�rie,
have you been having dizzy spells?

- You should see the doctor.
- I cooked dinner for him, and he ate it.

Now, hallucinations don't clean up
their plates and ask for seconds.

He's in there right now
with Eugene laughing it up.

Oh, they get along famously.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Wright has
invited Mr. Swan to move in here.

You call the doctor.
He will give you something to soothe you.

Your father and I will be
right over as soon as we finish our dinner.

Now, chouchou, you close your eyes,
he'll go away.

- Is Charlotte ill?
- No, no. I'm afraid our little girl had a soup�on too much wine.

Robert Swan has joined them for dinner.

He has?

Well, if he's with them now,
he was with you in Boston years ago.

Oh, John. Really. Chantal must be
pregnant and a little light-headed.

What's your excuse?

Oh, come on. There is some
chocolate mousse for dessert.

Go away.

Chouchou, it's Maman.

Charlotte, what's the matter?
Why is this door locked?

To keep them out.
To keep whom out?

There's no one out there.
No one? But...

The front door was wide open,
so we just walked in.

Perhaps Eugene has
gone for the doctor.

Doctor? Now, why would he go for a doctor? No.
I tell you, he went someplace with Mr. Swan.

Chantal, stop saying that.

Robert Swan was in this apartment
tonight. See for yourselves.

The three of us had dinner
right here...

They've cleared everything away.

Well, you can count
the dirty dishes in the kitchen.

I tell you there were three of us.

See? See, I told you.
This proves someone else was here.

Oh, my poor little cabbage head. What do you
imagine now? There's not a dirty dish... Nothing.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.
Someone else had to be here with Eugene.

He doesn't know dishes are for washing. Oh,
sure, he knows there's a sink in the kitchen...

...but he isn't sure
just what it's for.

Charlotte, I think you should take
two aspirin with a large glass of water.

Hello? Where is everybody?

Oh, they're back.

Hi, Charlie. John, nice to see you.
Maman.

Where is he?
What, honey?

Where is he! Don't
fret. Here I am, my dear.

I simply do not believe in rushing the
stairs like some young fools that I...

Germaine.

It is Germaine.

Germaine.

You see, I haven't forgotten.

Who are you?

Have I changed that much? And you,
Germaine, are just as beautiful as ever.

It's Robert Swan.
Your Robert Swan.

You are not my Robert Swan.

I would never dream up a lover
with-with a moustache!

I say, Bob, I'm gonna take these things and put 'em
in the bedroom. We can work out the details later.

- Details?
- This is Robert Swan?

Of course not.
Chantal, explain this at once.

You have no right to cause trouble
between your father and me.

He's your idea. You dreamed him up.
You make him go away.

At last, I meet Germaine's husband.

Oh, oh, oh. Must you go?

I know things will never be the
same for us, but we could reminisce.

Those meetings in the Common.
The little out-of-the-way restaurants.

What are you?
Some kind of a crazy?

Maman, wait!
I'm going with you.

You're not leaving me here
with these... Sharecroppers.

I'm not tossing with them
for the couch.

Maman, will you talk
some sense into your daughter?

After all, situations like this
do have their advantages.

Many a woman would envy
her position, eh, Germaine?

Are you sure this man
is not of your doing?

I have never set eyes
on that man before tonight.

And now, suddenly, his pants
are all but hung in my closet.

It is obvious that Mr. Swan intends
to make himself very much at home.

His pants in your closet.
His pictures on your wall.

His pictures? Well, just
this one to start with.

It's me.
Yes. Practically all of you.

His pictures. His paintings!

"A.W." A... W.

What is it, chouchou? And Gene told me
he was gonna send him our wedding picture.

This is most certainly not
your wedding picture.

What are you jumping around for?
A.W. Oh, Maman, don't you see?

A.W. Look, there it is again.
A. W... Adam Wright.

That is Eugene's father out there.
Robert Swan is Adam Wright.

That is a dirty old man?

I should've guessed when he
tried to pinch me. Gene's father.

Oh, that's very amusing.
And he's very attractive.

I must get home
and explain the joke to your father.

What are you planning?

A little hell
to make those two devils feel at home.

I still want you to
see the doctor.

It was not the long-stemmed roses
that made you dizzy.

Do you think... I know.
But let the doctor tell you.

It gives them such pleasure.

Oh, what exciting music
men make when they laugh.

May I have my things, please?

Must you go?
Yes. I must.

How could I have forgotten...
that moustache.

Adam.

And Eve. Maman and Mr. Swan,
they're a regular Adam and Eve.

- An ancient Adam and Eve.
- Not so ancient. The word, I believe, is vintaged.

Heads or tails?

Well, while you boys make up your minds,
I'll just slip into something more...

Down, Dad.

Taxi, lady?

Oh, thank heavens, darling.
You're still here.

Listen, you will never guess
who Robert Swan really is?

Adam Wright.
You knew?

Gene also knew everything from the
very beginning. We, uh, discussed it.

Well, you were loyal to your sex.

I accept defeat gracefully.

John?
Hmm?

Has it occurred to you that
the reason I was so flabbergasted...

...was not because
you confronted me with Robert Swan...

...but because it was
the wrong Robert Swan.

Tails. You win, Adam.

I'm sure you have some work to do in
the darkroom. I most certainly do not.

Then show
some initiative, man, and...

"Adam"?

Mr. Wright, Sr., sir,
you have won the bed.

And you, Mr. Wright "Rat" Jr.,
are left with the couch.

Charlie, look... May I remind you that
New York is full of great restaurants...

...very few of which
serve peanut butter.

Also, for a dollar and a half an hour,
the dishes will... Psst!... Disappear.

And as for companionship, I sincerely hope
you've kept that little black book up-to-date.

Oh! Get the door for me, will you,
junior? You're so good with doors.

- Never laugh at your pet.
- Come here.

Always make the words "come here"
mean something pleasurable.

Come here.

You know something, pet?
What?

I never hear
that old foghorn anymore.

Come here, little mother.

How did you know?

Well, this ain't no movie
where old dad is the last to find out.

Besides which,
I was at the...

Hello.
Hello.

Probably Maman.

Probably Chantal.
Oh.