Original subtitles

You lying bugger, you did!

- Ignore her. - I am.

- Maintain an aloof silence. - He did, though, Squidge. Somebody did.

For your information I don't spit on people in geography.

I didn't know you had a book under the desk.

Well, somebody did.

Are we going swimming tomorrow, then?

- Tomorrow? - Bloody tomorrow!

- You know what tomorrow is, don't you? - Saturday.

- Only the day that marks my passage, isn't it? - Your what?

- I forgot. - What is it? What passage?

And are you scared?

I was scared rigid at mine. I made 16 mistakes in the Hebrew bit.

16 at least. Probably 25 or something.

And I forgot half my speech at the reception.

Three quarters nearly. I missed out mentioning my Uncle Gus and Aunty Merle,

and cousins from America.

I missed out everybody. I was deadly.

- See you Sunday, though. - If you survive, mate.

- Mon ami. Meus amicus. - I'll survive.

What's he mean, "marks his passage"? Is it rude?

Something Jewish, what Jewish boys do. You wouldn't understand.

It sounds rude.

It's only me!

C'est seulement moi.

Est solus ego.

Anyone home?

Ya-t-il quelqu'un dans la maison?

Est quisquam - or whatever it is - in domo.

Naked women!

Les femmes nues!

Nudae feminae!

(Phone rings)

Eliot, are you in?

No!

Look... l've got my hands full.

Don't answer the phone, will you?

No.

Hello, Billy Smart's Circus, Lesley Green speaking.

Hello, Mum. So where are you?

- Well, where? - Where?

- That's an interesting question. - Is there any chance of an answer?

- I'm still at Sylvia's. Where else would I be? - I'm not a magician.

She's not a magician.

Listen, Mrs Mickler was before me and she was late. What could I do?

With her abdomen and conjunctivitis - I'm gonna fall out with the woman?

- Did you get the dry-cleaning? - They're all lunatics in there.

They should have a sign, "Lunatic Dry-Cleaning Ltd."

- Did you get the cleaning? - Dad's suit won't be ready till Monday.

- Oh, God. - Bad news? I hope I'm wrong.

- Then... they can't find it. - He needs it tomorrow.

Then, it must be in another branch.

- So you haven't got it? - I've got it. They're lunatics in there.

- It was there the whole time. - Oh, listen, Lesley.

- I'm going to be a couple of hours yet. - At least.

The brisket's in the oven. Put it on a low light to warm up.

Do a few potatoes and open a tin of peas. I'll be home before it's ready.

- Please God. - Please God.

And, Lesley, listen.

Tell Eliot to go and have his hair cut.

His dad's there now having his, so he'll see him there.

And, Lesley? Make him! Any arguing - tell him no arguing.

Threaten.

And listen, Lesley. Hang up the dry-cleaning in the wardrobe.

Not in the wardrobe, outside the wardrobe. And if you've got a minute...

Mother, where do I get a minute from? I've been running all day.

Ring the caterers.

What for?

Just, "Hello, is that the caterers? I'm speaking on behalf of Mrs Green.

Is everything all right for tomorrow?" I'll be happier.

Will you please stop panicking? Do you want to give me cold sores?

Cold sores?

You give me cold sores. Every time I put on an evening dress, I have cold sores to match.

The Jewish Chronicle prints it under Forthcoming Attractions.

The Green family must be having a simca, Lesley's got cold sores.

(Line goes dead)

Cold sores she's hocking me with.

- Would you like to test me? - Could you rephrase that question?

Please could you test me, please?

Like I've nothing else to do, like I'm having a good time.

Not Hebrew. Something else.

Eliot - haircut. Now.

My son Eliot. He gets Bar Mitzvah'd tomorrow.

- You're having caterers? - Levy's.

117 guests at �7.50 a head.

Or �7.50 a tuches depending on which way you look at it.

If you're wondering where the money's coming from, so am I.

And that's without lemon sorbet.

I'm having tips and streaks.

Go on, please. S'il vous plait. Si placet.

- Please stop that, it gets on my nerves. - Stop what?

Arr�ter quoi? Prohibi quid?

It's not being clever. It's just showing your ignorance.

Nine times out of ten you get it wrong.

Eliot, Dad's expecting you, he'll be worried.

It's not bad.

- It's not bad, Solly. - What do you want, the usual?

"The usual?" he asks me, like I'm going to say no.

Like I've been coming here for 30 years having a bubble cut.

- Right, you want your usual. - Yeah, why not? Let's go mad.

I've got a very good one for you. Listen to this.

(Laughs) It kills me.

- There's this Yiddishe fella... - Always has to be a Yiddishe fella.

Can't be a bloody Peruvian.

- This Yiddishe fella's walking down the street... - A punter gets in my cab this morning.

A Yank. Sunglasses, camera, pink jacket, the whole gesheft. Wants to go to Richmond.

We've been going a couple of minutes, no trouble.

He says, "Won't take more than a quarter of an hour, will it?"

To Richmond? I'm in Leicester Square.

I said, "This is a cab, darling. If you want a magic carpet I'll drop you off at Persian Airlines."

He said, "Kush mir in tuches." "You can kiss mine," I says.

He looks at me. "Well, whaddya know, are you an American too?"

Bloody nutter. I charged him 30p over the odds.

Go on, Lesley. Please, just once.

You'll never have to test me again. Never in your whole life.

Look, you're not worried about tomorrow, are you?

Here. From here.

- Ready? - On your marks, get set, go.

(Quotes from Exodus 20, The Ten Commandments)

(Eliot continues)

"I shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." Et cetera.

Et cetera?

"Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy." Et cetera.

- There's a lot of et ceteras. - You're busy. "Honour..."

Eliot, are you going to have your hair cut? It's not a polite request.

You like commandments - this is a commandment.

"Thou shall not murder. Thou shall not commit adultery, Thou shall not steal.

Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's house.

Nor his wife, nor his man servant or maid servant. Nor his ox or ass or his Allegro 1300.

Nor anything that is thy neighbour's." The Allegro 1300 is a joke.

Well, I hope you're not going to rattle on like that. People will be watching.

- What people? - Family.

- The congregation. Rabbi Sherman. - Oh, people.

Yeah, people. Les personnages, populous.

What else is there? Giraffes?

No-one will be watching. I don't say the Ten Commandments.

- What? - They're not in my Bar Mitzvah.

What the hell did you learn them for, then?

(Pop music plays)

Horrible, isn't it?

The soup? I just warmed it up. You cooked it.

My hair. It's ruined.

You can all say. I'm not sensitive. I look terrible.

- It's beautiful. - You look gorgeous.

- Emes? - Emes.

Victor?

- Victor! - Hello.

- What do you think? - What about?

- Your honest opinion. You hate it, I don't mind. - Good. I don't know what you're talking about.

- My hair. - What can I say? It's hair.

But do you like it?

- It's done me no harm. - Oh.

I've never seen it look so nice.

- Emes? - He's said that once.

- Emes. - Good.

She's coming to give it a comb-out in the morning. I'll ask her to take out the streaks.

That's what's so beautiful. The streaks.

Oh, well, in that case...

Fantastic. Really fantastic. Great.

Mum? Nice?

A banquet, straight up. Tremendous.

Mum?

It's lovely, darling.

You didn't warm the brisket on too high a light, you don't think?

It doesn't taste burnt.

No. No. It's nice. It's... crispy.

It's different.

Crispy?

Dad?

What?

Lesley wants to know - nice dinner?

The whole bloody family's got pot-shop.

It's like a dinner, I'm eating it.

- Stan and Dora Clyne. - What about them?

They didn't RSVP. We don't know if they're coming to the dinner-dance.

If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't.

Confucius Cohen. Pass the salt.

There's a seating plan, though. They should be on the second table and it's full.

- They're not relations. - He's a doctor. He expects it.

(Sighs) They'll give him a beautiful present, though.

- They may not be coming. - But by the same token...

Rita, let me eat!

You think they'd RSVP. A man in his position.

Perhaps they didn't get the invitation. Perhaps they were in Bournemouth.

He's a doctor. Perhaps he can't read decent writing or afford a stamp. Who can?

It was stamped already. It was a stamp-addressed card.

- There was no expense spared. - Rita... for the first time in three months,

may I eat without hearing seating plans and menus and caterers

and "Do we tip the rabbi?"

And, "Should be invite Miriam? What if it rains? Should I wear a long dress or a short dress?"

And, "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"

In the morning he gets Bar Mitzvah'd. In the evening we have the dinner-dance.

And by Sunday it's all a dream.

Thank you. Amen.

Do you think we should give her a bouquet? Not too dear.

- Who? - Mrs Sherman.

Is she anyone we know?

- The Rabbi's wife. - Certainly give her a bouquet.

I've never met the woman. Give everybody a bouquet!

Plant trees for them in Israel. It's already costing me three insurance policies.

- Roll on Sunday. - You want it over with?

- The greatest honour of your life? - You know what I mean.

I'm afraid I don't. Harold, do you know what he means?

Um... well, in a sense.

Um... well... yes and no.

- What he, in my view, well, doesn't mean... - She knows what I mean.

She knows what I mean even when I don't.

Blabbermouth, gonna practise your speech tonight?

- Yeah. - Practise that like he went for a haircut.

- Didn't like your dinner? - Terrific.

- Apart from not eating it. - I wasn't hungry.

And tomorrow morning you will get that haircut.

There won't be time.

He's not standing in a beautiful synagogue on the greatest day of his life looking like Kojak.

Kojak's bald.

- Not Kojak, the other one. - Which other one?

- She picks me up on everything. - Lesley! Leave your mother alone.

- If I don't do the worrying, who will? - Now what's she going on about?

See? Satisfied?

I thought it was the Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

Thought I was to reading the blessings and the portion of the law.

Be guest of honour at the dinner-dance. The Torah doesn't say it's a hairdressing contest.

Look, everybody just eat. All week long I'm in bloody traffic jams.

Just eat.

- All right there? - Pardon?

- Everything all right? - Yes, thanks.

Just sort of sitting, staring a bit, are you?

I thought that was a woman's job.

Or is that just a theory put about by chauvinist pigs?

It happens to be a special occasion, doesn't it?

I mean, everybody else is busy driving each other barmy.

You always do it. Always.

Toujours. Semper.

Always? I can hardly do it always. I only come here Fridays.

- "Always", he says. - Always on Fridays you do it.

- My dad never does it. - Well, your dad's...

your dad, isn't he?

I've seen him dry them once or twice.

They're even wetter after he dries. He does it badly on purpose.

No-one talk, I can't hear anything.

Haven't you got things to do? A million - you must have.

She doesn't appreciate it, you know.

There's your speech to learn, two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.

You think it's a mating call, washing up.

No other species of animals do it. You don't see giraffes washing up for female giraffes.

She won't suddenly show you her knickers.

All right, Eliot, go and be comical elsewhere, OK?

OK.

It's manners, isn't it? I'm thanking your parents for their hospitality.

It's a nice thing to do, pleasing people.

RITA: "One: In morning, no doubt about it, ring caterers.

Two: Get ready for shul. Three: No-one put best clothes on till after breakfast."

- Victor! - Hello.

- Will you help me? - Doing what?

- Showing interest. - I'm showing, I'm showing.

It's everything we do.

If we're going on holiday, getting the decorators, whatever needs doing, it's always me.

- If we need a plumber... - All right, I'm watching something.

- I can talk while I'm watching. - Yes.

"Four: Sylvia to give my hair a comb-out.

Four A: Ask Sylvia to give Eliot quick haircut."

If time.

- "If time." - There won't be.

"Five: Set off to synagogue."

Victor, is there petrol in the car? We're not sitting in a garage getting petrol in our best clothes.

- There's petrol. - I thought we couldn't drive on the Sabbath.

I thought it was a sin. I thought we were supposed to walk.

All right, you've made your point.

I thought it was covered by the fourth commandment.

"Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy."

We'll park a couple of streets from the shul and walk the rest of the way. Terrible thing.

- We won't be seen. - Won't we?

- Oh, all the congregation do it. - I wasn't thinking of the congregation.

- Other people couldn't care. - I wasn't thinking of them.

Eliot!

Can you try and sit on the chair like a normal human being?

Is it too much to ask?

Dralon grows on trees?

- "Six: After service return to..." - Any good?

What?

I've seen it before.

(Man speaking on TV)

Thank you.

�8 a year licence fee I pay.

"As soon as he's home, Eliot change clothes.

Hang suit up in wardrobe, ready for evening."

If you're hungry, why didn't you eat your dinner?

I'm not.

Why are you eating sweets and taking the enamel off your teeth?

- I'm just unwrapping it. - What for?

It's a new hobby.

"Eight: Ring caterers..."

(Doorbell)

- Eliot, let your grandad in. - I thought I'd go and learn my speech.

Like all of a sudden? First let him in and then learn it.

- Good shabbos, Mr Wax. - Shabbos.

And how's the finest solicitor you could wish for?

- Accountant, actually. Fine. How's your back? - There he is. The Bar Mitzvah boy.

And how's the loveliest grandson you could wish for?

- I could eat him! - Hello, Zaide.

"Hello", he says.

So beautiful I could eat him, bless his little pipick.

- Can you think of anything I've missed out? - No.

- I didn't see you think. - There was nothing to see.

I'm an invisible thinker.

Hey, young man, Bar Mitzvah boy. You're not coming to sit on your zaide's knee?

I've got to learn my speech and my Hebrew.

Ah! I could eat him.

Don't get up, don't get up!

I'll have a cup of tea and a piece of sponge cake!

But only if you're having. Good shabbos.

RITA: Shabbos, Dad. - Shabbos, Chaim. How's your back?

Oh, who cares? So doctors also have to live.

Listen...

- If the kids are happy, you're happy. - (Mouths same words)

If you're happy, I'm happy.

If you're all happy, thank God, I'm the happiest man in the world.

It's my happiness. What should I do, cry?

Go on. Say some cutting remark regarded as brilliant in the B stream.

- I wasn't going to say anything. - Nothing. Rien. Nihil.

Good.

What do you think of Harold?

What do you mean, what do I think of Harold?

- What do you think of him? - We're nearly engaged, aren't we?

- That's no answer. - Is the back of my hand an answer?

- Do you reckon him? - We are nearly bloody engaged.

- Do you reckon Dad? - Dad?

Dad!

Well, Dad's... Dad, isn't he?

What's got into you?

- And do you reckon Grandad? - Course.

Why? Pourquoi? Cur?

- Sorry, I missed the English one. - Why?

Why what?

Why do you reckon them?

That is a particularly stupid question even from you.

Must be man-mad.

- What about me? - What about you?

My dear mother and father, my dear sister, my dear grandfather,

Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends.

On this day that marks my passage from boyhood to manhood

I'd like to thank you all for the honour you've bestowed on me by your presence here.

I shall cherish it all my life without fail.

I'd like to thank Rabbi Sherman also for the patience he has bestowed on me

while preparing me to learn the portion of the law which I had the honour to recite today.

He's been no end of a tower of strength in no uncertain terms.

Most of all I would like to thank my dear mother and father

for the guidance, wisdom, love they have bestowed on me all my boyhood.

Now that I am a man I'll follow my father's example and that of my grandfather,

and last but not least, that of my...

sister Lesley's boyfriend, Harold,

living my life with truth, industry and selfless devotion

according to the moral teachings of the Talmud.

At the risk of repeating myself

they have been no end of a tower of strength in no uncertain terms.

I sincerely hope I'll be a credit to them all and they'll say of me as Brutus did of Antony,

Act Five, Scene Five, line 73,: "This was a man."

Thank you all for the presents which you have bestowed...

Thank you all for the wonderful presents which you have bestowed on me

for which I am extremely grateful for.

I hope you enjoy your evening, not forgetting the dancing which is about to ensue,

as I feel sure you assuredly will.

Thank you.

VICTOR: They'd a right to march? They'd got a right to march?

HAROLD: They'd a right to march, it's legal.

Legal? Course it's legal. So's pneumonia.

20 minutes I was held up, mate, with an empty bloody cab.

Listen, the way I look at it,

call me an intellectual if you must,

everybody should make just enough to be comfortable.

Do you know much that comes to on the clock?

You're the accountant round here.

In that way, there's no marches, no strikes. Everybody's happy.

Go on, I'm a trade unionist.

I'm the true blue. They're your brothers.

That's my solution.

But my mazel... l'm not Prime Minister.

HAROLD: You're not even agreeing with your own party.

VICTOR: Nor are you. How you can be a Tory beats me.

You're not supposed to feel sorry for people, Harold.

You're not supposed to care about working conditions.

You'd get drummed out of the Communists.

HAROLD: Now you sound like Sir Keith Joseph!

He beats me altogether. A Yiddishe fella.

When I was a lad they gave you a Labour Party membership card

the minute you were circumcised.

Give with one hand take away with the other.

There's two sides to every story, Victor.

Right. Well, whose side are you on?

Our entry to it is naked and bare,

Our journey through it is trouble and care,

Our exit from it is God knows where.

So if we're all right here, we're all right there.

Hm. Perfect.

Perfect.

I'll put a new crease in your dad's trousers.

- They've just come back from the cleaners. - I know.

You said they were perfect.

I like a crease to be a crease. I can't help it, it's my nature.

- I'll do them while I'm doing Eliot's. - Mine haven't come from the cleaner's.

Mine are new, it's a new suit. They don't need pressing.

For Burton's window they don't need pressing.

Which tie do you think for your dad?

Not for me, you notice. But I have to choose.

And he'd rather sit on his behind watching television and arguing.

Me - I have the headaches.

Me - I have the cold sores.

- Hm? - Nothing. I didn't speak.

Cold sores? "Cold sores", she says. Thank you.

A splitting headache I've had for six months and she says cold sores.

VICTOR: Rita? Chaim's going now.

I'll see you tomorrow then, Pop. Mind the roads. God bless.

Cheerio, Zaide.

You going to be the belle of the ball tomorrow, please God?

Who else?

- Eliot, Grandad's going now. - Night, Zaide.

Do I get a big kiss from the loveliest boy you could wish for?

I'm just studying at the moment, Zaide.

A leben on his kishkes, I could eat him.

(Laughter)

See you tomorrow, everybody.

- A real pleasure to have seen you, Mr Wax. - Mazel tov.

- Good night, Chaim. - (Front door closes)

LESLEY: Night-night, then, love. - I've hardly seen you all evening.

Well, we'll see each other tomorrow.

Not... well, not just the two of us.

No. 117.

Ah! Hair.

Sorry.

Oops. Nail polish.

Well, thanks for dinner.

- A pleasure, Harold. - Fantastic.

- As long as I was of some help. - Help?

Well, washing up. Not that it's any trouble.

Polishing Eliot's shoes for tomorrow and one of your dad's.

It's all in the family, isn't it, or soon will be, putting the dishes away.

I don't mind, it's no trouble to me.

Making the tea, fetching the sponge cake.

You're very sweet.

- Am I? - Hey. What about my beauty sleep, then?

- Sorry. - Don't apologise, Harold.

- Sorry. - Harold!

'Night, then.

'Night.

- Love you. - Love you.

- Good night, everybody. LESLEY: Good night, Eliot.

RITA: Good night, Eliot. - Good night, son.

I've thought of an element of humour for my speech at the dinner.

"In conclusion, may I say, that for a father,

his son's Bar Mitzvah is the most beautiful service seen in a synagogue."

Very nice.

"Not that I go all that much."

You're not saying that.

"But as Rabbi Sherman once said to me,

'I don't often see you in this synagogue very often, Mr Green.'

And as I replied,

'I don't see you driving a cab very often, Rabbi Sherman.'"

You can't say that.

Then wait for the laughter to die down.

And I say,

"But today I wouldn't have missed for the world.

Thank you."

- You asleep? - Yes.

- Can I come in? - No.

Hello, horrible.

Shouldn't you be having your beauty sleep or have you given up hope?

Ha-ha.

Hey, how'd you like every evening to be like this one, eh?

Not a lot.

- How was school today? - All right.

Did Squidge find out who nicked his pocket calculator?

- He thinks it was Expletive-Deleted. - Who?

The maths teacher.

Are you all right, our kid?

Yes, thanks.

Merci. Gracias.

It always happens, the panic.

Even in normal families.

It's a big day for them. The biggest in their lives.

Probably bigger for them than it is for you.

Soon be over.

Well, you'd better get some sleep.

And don't just lie there thinking about it.

And no dreaming either. By order.

Except for cricket, football or Olivia Newton-John.

- It still is Olivia Newton-John, isn't it? - Pan's People.

- What, all of them? - Most of them.

See you in the morning, horrible.

See you.

Where the hell 13 years go to, eh?

13 years.

Now you see him, now you don't.

(Chuckles)

Skinny little kid rubbing poached egg in the carpet.

Punkt!

Can't be more than five minutes since I bought him for a scooter for being vaccinated.

That was Lesley.

Good God, was it?

For going to the dentist.

You'll never need six hankies.

You'll need five of them.

- Hm. - (Victor chuckles)

Not done too badly, have we, all told, since our Bethnal Green days.

Not bad.

No shul for you on a Saturday in them days.

West Ham United, yes.

(Sighs)

- I'll give the worrying a rest. - That's the idea.

- I can't think of anything I've missed out. - No.

- I've taken a Valium. - Good.

(Sighs)

- Good morning, Wilfred. Good shabbos. - Good morning, Rabbi Sherman.

- Oh, have you had a cup of coffee? - There was only one spoonful.

- I finished it off. I didn't think. - No, no, fine.

- I wasn't hinting. - No, I know.

I meant had you had.

Hello? Mrs Levy? Levy's the Caterer's?

Good morning. Mrs Green speaking. Can I speak to Mr Levy, please?

Ooh!

Listen, you want to look beautiful, you got to suffer a little. It's human nature.

- I apologise. - It's my fault.

- Victor, there's blood on your chin. - I like blood on my chin.

Eliot, are you ready? We're moving out of the house now.

We're on the doorstep.

Lesley, I'm not sure about that colour eye shadow.

- But I'm not Mary Quant. - And you're not wearing it.

Will you keep still!

I'm keeping still! What am I doing, the 400 metres hurdles?

All right!

What am I doing? The 400 metres hurdles?

Hello? Mr Levy?

Good morning. Mrs Green speaking.

Just ringing to say hello, really.

No, nothing. No...

Just that my husband wanted to know if everything was in order.

Certainly there's no reason there shouldn't be.

Yes.

Yes. I'll tell him.

Thank you. Good shabbos.

Eliot! Your dad's starting the car.

- Tell him what? - What?

"I'll tell him", you said. What do you want to tell me?

They've been established since 1912 and they haven't had any complaints yet.

Yiddishe business.

Right. It's all done.

Really?

Unless you suddenly decide to go blonde in which case I'll kill myself.

You're a marvel.

Believe me, I am my own worst enemy, believe me.

- So what do I owe you? - It's my Bar Mitzvah present to Eliot.

- Oh, Sylvia, you mustn't. - It's my pleasure.

I wouldn't dream... Victor!

Did you hear what Sylvia said? We couldn't possibly...

I heard, I heard. Thank you.

Eliot, your dad and Lesley are waiting in the car. If you don't come now...

- My cufflinks. - I left them out for you on the tallboy.

I couldn't do the right one with my left hand. It wouldn't go.

The shirt's stiff. The hole wouldn't open.

You look beautiful. A little mensch.

- There. What do you say? - Thank you.

Thank you. Gloves and handbag. Have I got everything?

- Crocodile. - It's lovely.

- It's not real. A mail-order. - Hm.

Victor, you ready? Where's your tallis bag?

- Eliot? And your kippah? Inside.

- Excuse me, do I have time to emigrate? - Another day. Tomorrow. I'll come with you.

- Thank you. - Are you ready?

- I'm ready. - Taken a Valium?

I've got. In my handbag, I've got.

- Thank you very much, Sylvia. Go on. - Come on.

(All talk at once)

- We're not going in the cab. - What difference?

You said Richard Feldman would lend you his Consul.

He was. It's being serviced. You know what he's like.

- Victor, for God's sake, it's his Bar Mitzvah. - For his wedding it will be different.

Thank you. I'll worry about that next week.

I'm coming, I'm coming. I didn't realise...

VICTOR: Worry, worry, worry. - (Arguing)

Ooh, careful.

Victor! Have you gone mad?

Habit. Force of habit. It can happen.

Did you see what he did? Oh, my heart.

- OK. - They're here?

They're here.

Ah!

What can you say about perfection?

Hadaigi. My cup brimmeth over.

- Up the stairs. - All right!

(Overlapping conversations)

Shake hands with Zaide.

Shabbos. Here's the Bar Mitzvah boy.

Ah. (Laughs)

(They exchange greetings)

RITA: How's your back? - Oh, who cares?

The doctors also have to live.

Listen, if the kinder - bless 'em - are happy, you're happy.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

If you're all happy, thank God, I'm the happiest man in the world.

It's my happiness. What should I do, cry?

(Rabbi sings Ein Kamocha)

(Congregation join in)

Haven't you got things to do? A million - you must have.

There's your speech to learn, two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.

Well, I hope you're not going to rattle on like that. People will be watching.

- What people? - Family.

- The congregation. Rabbi Sherman. - Oh, people.

Yeah, people. What else is there? Giraffes?

(Continues singing)

(Sing in Hebrew)

Then comes the big moment.

The moment when the chazzen calls you up.

He'll call your name in Hebrew.

You'll rise in a dignified manner, walk up the steps and stand there beside him.

And you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew everything you've learned.

(Continues singing)

I'll put a new crease in your dad's trousers.

- They've just come back from the cleaners. - I know.

But you said they were perfect.

I like a crease to be a crease. I can't help it, it's my nature.

- If I don't do the worrying, who will? - Now what's she going on about?

There's a seating plan, though. They should be on the second table and it's full.

- They're not relations. - He's a doctor. He expects it.

Give everybody a bouquet!

Plant trees for them in Israel. It's already costing me three insurance policies.

- Roll on Sunday. - You want it over with?

The greatest honour of your life?

(Rabbi continues singing)

First the chazzen will call your grandfather up to the reading of the law.

It's a Mitzvah in your honour.

(Sings in Hebrew)

(Reply)

Ah! And how's the loveliest grandson you could wish for?

I could eat him!

Hey, young man, Bar Mitzvah boy. You're not coming to sit on your zaide's knee?

(Singing continues)

(Rabbi singing in Hebrew)

Then again in your honour the chazzen will call your father up to the reading of the law.

(Speaks Hebrew)

May I eat without hearing seating plans and menus and caterers

and "Do we tip the rabbi?"

And, "Should be invite Miriam? What if it rains? Should I wear a long dress or a short dress?"

And, "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"

In the morning he gets Bar Mitzvah'd. In the evening we have the dinner-dance.

And by Sunday it's all a dream.

(Rabbi continues in Hebrew)

It always happens, the panic.

Even in normal families.

It's a big day for them. The biggest in their lives.

Probably bigger for them than it is for you.

(Rabbi continues in Hebrew)

Then comes the big moment. The moment when the chazzen calls you up.

You'll rise in a dignified manner, walk up the steps and stand there beside him.

And you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew everything you've learned.

That's your big moment, Eliot.

(Murmurings)

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

(Grandad speaks softly)

(Door opens and closes)

Well... good shabbos.

Good shabbos.

- Have you had a cup? - It's sweet tea.

Very sweet, for medicinal purposes.

- I didn't think you'd want any. - No, I didn't.

Well, now...

What usually happens in cases like this?

There are no cases like this.

(Sighs) There's no such thing.

- Would you like a Valium? - In Mum's handbag.

- Would you like one? - There's none left.

- Can I have a haircut, please? - Closed.

I've come for one because I want to, not because everybody else wants me to.

I don't come when everybody else wants me to. It's a rule.

When it says closed, I'm closed. Another rule.

Saturday's the Jewish Sunday, pal. Shabbos, day of prayer.

Right, now where was I? Let's get on with it.

Oh, yes. All right, I'll see you for 20p.

- I've got no appetite. - Course you have. It will give you one.

- How can anyone eat with a broken heart? - Practice makes perfect.

Sorry.

Sssh, sssh. Try a little soup.

Lesley...

Tomato sauce or brown sauce?

- I'd been looking forward... - We all had.

I bought him a watch. A Bar Mitzvah present.

Shockproof.

Or mustard.

- Lesley. - What?

- What did you say his name was? - Squidge. Eliot always calls him Squidge.

Squidge what? If his father answers, I've never met the fella, how can...

- Squidge Perlman. Perlman. - Right. And is Squidge his real...

Oh, er... good afternoon. Mrs Perlman?

I'm sorry to trouble you. Is Eliot Green there, please?

Squidge's pal.

Sorry, you believe what?

I see. Thank you.

She believes it's his Bar Mitzvah today. Punkt!

Now what? Who else?

Lesley, I'll murder him, I will.

I've spent 13 years bringing him up and now I've done it -

I'll bloody strangle him.

Lesley, would your mother prefer tomato sauce, brown sauce or mustard? Or none of them?

Doesn't he pal out with Maurice Donner's lad? What's his name?

- Stuart? - Stuart. Stuart!

Where's he live?

He hasn't palled out with Stuart since they were six years old.

- See who could wee the highest. - Excuse me.

Excuse me. Man at work.

(Pinball Wizard plays on radio)

- I've run away. - From home?

No. Just away.

Why?

- Where are you going now? - Home.

It's mince cutlets. I hate mince cutlets!

I'm vegetarian, but they won't believe me.

Been vegetarian for over a fortnight.

How do you fancy a picnic instead? An open-air picnic.

A mouthful. Try one mouthful.

(Mumbles) No.

It's bean and barley - your favourite.

You cooked it.

And a worsht sandwich.

- Victor. - I'm on the phone.

Victor, come here.

All the months of...

The expense.

Who's ever heard of a Jewish boy not getting Bar Mitzvah'd?

It's something you don't hear of.

You're his mother. You could have a heart attack.

You could lie there and have a heart attack.

Mr Wax isn't a young man.

Has she started sweating again?

Victor.

At this moment, on their way, are 117 guests.

Sitting on the train, in cars,

queuing for buses.

All on their way.

At half-past six, Victor, 117 people from Bournemouth,

from Manchester, Leeds and Glasgow,

from Birmingham, everywhere,

are going to turn up at the Reuben Shulman Hall expecting a dinner-dance.

All dressed up.

Your Uncle Zalman.

My cousin Freda.

Your brother we don't talk about from Cardiff.

- Don't upset yourself. - 117 people.

117 portions of chopped liver.

117 mushroom vol-au-vents.

117 chicken with croquette potatoes and helzel,

French beans and coleslaw.

117 lokshen kugels.

A four-piece band. No Bar Mitzvah boy.

No Bar Mitzvah. No nothing.

Don't upset yourself.

So tell me, how do we cancel?

How do we stop trains and cars and tell everyone to go home again?

Do we stand on the M1 with a notice board?

Do we stand outside the Reuben Shulman Hall

and tell them Eliot's gone for a walk and they've got no dinner?

We ring Levy's and tell them we accidentally made a mistake, it was next year?

What do we say?

Do we go? Do we turn up? Do we ever show our face again?

Victor...

You're a clever man.

You read the newspapers, you argue politics.

Tell me, I'd like to know.

Shall I ring the police again?

Perhaps a piece of sponge cake?

Once you've said the prayers in the synagogue, you're a grown man.

That's the supposed intention.

It's the day that marks your passage from boyhood to manhood.

So that's the passage.

Oh, I see.

Mind you, the day my mum took me to get my first bra,

well, that night, I cried all night in bed.

It's nothing to standing up saying prayers.

Christian girls have a far worse day ahead of them before they're grown up.

I said, Christian girls have a far worse day ahead of them.

Of an intimate nature.

I'll probably never get over it personally.

It comes as this sudden shock.

But you needn't be frightened.

Then you're a woman, official.

I'm going now.

Now?

You get on my nerves, actually.

Does Squidge know you're here?

No-one does.

- Is it a secret? - Well, obviously.

Thank you, Rabbi.

- Listen. - Very good of you.

- Upstairs? - Yes.

The Rabbi's here.

She's that bad?

He wanted to come.

He'll make everything all right, maybe.

How?

No.

No, no. (Cries)

There, now.

No news from the police, I imagine?

I'll make you a cup of tea.

No, thank you, darling.

I'll make if I want.

It's not for you. It's for Rabbi Sherman.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hello, is that Eliot's mother?

His sister. Who's that?

If you want Eliot, he's in Jackson Street Playground.

This is someone he split on at school yesterday who prefers to remain anonymous.

Yours sincerely, a well-wisher.

- Are you going out? - I shan't be long.

Shall I go for you?

- What's happening? - Lesley's just popped out a minute.

I don't know where. I'd have gone for her if she'd have wanted. I offered.

First him, now her.

It's like the Exodus from bloody Egypt.

No disrespect.

Life.

You try.

You do your best.

It's not easy.

Listen,

if it was easy...

It always has been.

It always will be.

What can you do?

I should always wear it if I was you. It's a hell of an improvement.

Having a terrific time, are you?

We've had a terrific time.

We went to the synagogue.

It was a good laugh. Pity you couldn't stay.

Listen, nutcase, there are two alternatives. Either we talk or I smash your face in.

It's entirely up to you.

In a minute they'll be one alternative.

- Are they upset? - Upset?

Are they?

Oh, brilliant.

No, they're having a bloody singsong.

Eliot, for God's sake, the most important day of their lives.

Well?

I did go for a haircut.

- You what? - Didn't have one, though.

You went for a Bar Mitzvah and didn't have one of those either.

Is that why you left, to go for a sodding haircut?

Of course not.

Well, why, then?

Why, Eliot?

I don't think I'm old enough to be Bar Mitzvah'd.

You're 13. That's the age.

I don't think I've got the qualifications.

What qualifications?

The only qualification is to be 13.

All you have to do is breathe for 13 years and avoid the traffic.

Now, what the hell are you talking about?

BO Y: Oi, missis. Can we have our ball back?

Eliot, every Jewish boy gets Bar Mitzvah'd.

Every single one for thousands of years.

- 5,736. - 5,736.

Everybody.

Dad did it. Grandad, Harold.

They're not men, Lesley. That's the whole point.

If that's being a man, I don't want to be one, do I?

It's no good pretending I did.

Well, what are they, then, if they're not men?

Giraffes?

BO Y: Oi, missis.

Oi, cloth ears! Dummy!

Dad's a man, Eliot.

If he was my age and behaved like he does, he'd get a clip round the ear.

He acts like a kid.

Harold acts like a baby.

Grandad is a baby.

And that's what you think, is it?

I'm not saying they're the only ones.

That's the trouble. It's every...

I'll tell you what I think. It's all an excuse.

You ran away because you were scared.

You thought you'd get it wrong, make a nudnik of yourself.

- You're a chicken. - I could do it standing on my head.

- Prove it. - Look, all I'm saying...

They're babies? They all did what you couldn't.

It didn't work, though, did it?

- Bar Mitzvah's don't work. - But they tried.

And they're still bloody trying. It's more than you did.

- And they're babies? - You're a liar, Eliot.

The whole thing's an excuse and you're just a bloody liar.

I could do it standing on my head.

(Recites prayers)

Why me? Why pick on me? What do you mean, "I'm a great help. I always have been"?

You're his father.

So what am I supposed to do?

Oh, I'm sick of arguing. I can't argue any more.

I do my bloody share, Rita!

Share of shouting, yes. That you're good at.

The big man, the ganze macher.

Shouting and bawling but never doing.

Never since I've known you.

- Doing what? - Anything!

Oh.

I go out every day and play, don't I?

Twiddling my thumbs.

The rent pays itself, clothes, food.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, for crying out loud!

I know you don't.

(Continues reciting)

Can I do it the right way up now?

(Argument continues upstairs)

(Smashing)

Mazel tov.

(Continues reciting)

Harold.

Am I right or am I wrong?

- What? - Who's right?

- What's it got to do with him? - Nothing.

- Sticking his bloody oar in. - Harold.

Um...

well...

Well...

Actually, it's not really for me to say.

It is if I ask you. You have my permission.

And mine. Go on, who's right?

Well... in some respects there seems to be some truth...

- Which respects? - I didn't say all.

Which? Which?

Well, speak. For once in your life, upset someone.

Well, actually, in many respects, you're both right.

I think there's a lot to be said for what you both said.

I agree with you both.

Whole-heartedly.

Amen.

I said, Amen.

Amen.

I told you I could do it.

Mazel tov.

I said, mazel tov.

Thanks.

Want to take some enamel off your teeth?

I'd say it even better with the scroll in front of me. You're not expected to know it by heart.

I was good, wasn't I?

It was all Chinese to me.

I was pretty good.

Shame, then, isn't it?

What is?

Well, you could have been the first one.

The first man ever.

Seeing as there are no others.

It's all right saying it.

It's keeping it.

I mean, the Ten Commandments must be a pig to start with.

They've all said it.

They probably all meant it, at the time anyway.

At their Bar Mitzvah.

I mean, that's hard.

But I expect it gets even harder.

Probably gets harder and harder as you go on. There's the rub.

Well, I think what you did was the hardest of all.

Not getting Bar Mitzvah'd.

Why?

Well, the most grown-up, anyway.

That wasn't the intended intention.

I know. Hard luck.

Do you think I'm probably a man already, then?

I think you're well on your way.

Wow. It's a bit bloody scary.

Why do you think they make such a tsimes of it?

And there's no need to swear.

I think I feel a bit sick.

Come home. Join the club.

Would that be grown-up, going home again?

Very.

I expect I'll have to tell a few lies, won't I?

I'll tell the lies.

I've had the practice.

I've been grown-up for years.

Come on.

LESLEY: He was worried.

VICTOR: He was worried?

You were bloody worried?

Worried about your mother dying of a broken heart?

Huh! Thank you.

Chutzpah. You broke it.

People here were worried, my lad. Your poor mother, your grandfather.

You do arithmetic at school, do you?

Do you know how much the Reuben Shulman Hall costs at 750 a head?

117 heads.

He had his reasons. He thought he had his reasons.

He's only a kid.

He was worried, that's all.

Worried you couldn't remember what you'd learned, Eliot?

- The Hebrew? - Not that.

He knows that backwards.

Well, upside down.

He did it.

- Did what? - The lot.

- Word for word. RITA: What do you mean, he did it?

He walked out.

I was there.

With my apricot ruched hat on. I was there.

Kvelling.

He did it for me in the kids' playground.

He recited his Bar Mitzvah.

Word perfect.

You really do put the boot in, don't you, mate?

Next time you have a Bar Mitzvah, move the shul to the kids' playground.

Ring MacAlpine's, get an estimate.

So what were you worried about?

Well, he thought... he thought he couldn't be a man.

The sort of man you'd expect.

A man like you and Dad.

And Harold.

Eliot,

barm pot.

To you I seem like a hero.

It's only natural.

Natural but stupid.

I'm not all that wonderful.

I've got faults.

Little ones, maybe, but I've got 'em.

Sometimes I've been a bit of a lobbus, when I was younger perhaps.

I wasn't always perfect.

Nor Zaide here.

Of course not.

A fine man, but not every second of the day.

And Harold. A fine boy.

A gute neshamah, certainly.

But sometimes, not often,

- a bit of shlemiel. - Now and then.

We've all got little faults.

You just haven't noticed them, that's all.

Because we've learned to hide them.

In the fullness of time...

Mr Green.

Mrs Green.

There's a prayer we say in shul.

A prayer for mourners.

No-one's died. Who's died?

- It begins, "Ha-makom ye-nachem et-chem..." - Oh, yes?

Now, it means "May the Almighty comfort you..."

Oh, yes.

The point is,

"Ha-makom" means place,

meaning every place,

meaning everywhere,

meaning God.

God means "anywhere".

"Everywhere."

Synagogue, bedroom.

Battlefield.

And playground.

You did the full portion, Eliot?

Yes.

Everything?

I got stuck on Machpelah in the bit about Abraham and the cave

but I went back and got it right.

Now, the thing is, for what I'm going to say, I may get a few nasty memos from high up.

From fairly high up.

But not from as high up as God.

I don't think.

Well, what are you going to say?

What I'm going to say is that in my view Eliot is now Bar Mitzvah'd.

Pardon?

If he did it, he did it.

In Jackson Street Playground?

"Ha-makom" - anywhere.

Mind you, he'd still better see me in shul on Monday.

Mazel tov.

You're a man, young man.

- How does it feel? - Not much different, really.

A bit more tired, that's all.

(Tapping)

Ladies and gentlemen,

please be upstanding to receive your Bar Mitzvah boy, Eliot.

Accompanied by your host and hostess, Mr and Mrs Green, with...

With their lovely daughter Lesley.

(Band plays Congratulations And Celebrations)

Thank God for that.

For one terrible minute,

I thought he was going to walk past the table and out the bloody window.

I thought the pineapple was a bit off, didn't you?

Victor.

I'm busy.

Those that were there this morning when Eliot...

When he didn't...

They'll know that he never...

- What are we going to say happened? - You're a ligner. You'll think of something.

- What, though? - Rita, do me a favour.

Worry about it.

- It's easy, that's all. Easy. - What? What? What?

WAITRESS: Beans, madam? - Yes, please.

(Overlapping conversations)

Move in.

OK, now.

Smile.

- Good. - Great.

It's a wonderful thing, a camera.

All the pictures, everybody happy.

You look at them, you remember.

- It's a wonderful thing. - Wonderful.

Er, through a black plastic...

Through a black plastic.

Do you like her hair?

Wonderful.

Do you like it?

She looks marvellous, doesn't she?

Eliot.

- Here, do you want my lokshen pudding? - Don't you?

It's fattening.

Anyway, I can't eat anything. I've got a cold sore. Pass your plate.

Is it allowed?

- Why not? - Well, etiquette etc.

No such thing.

- It's only a ritual, really, isn't it? - That's all.

That's all. C'est tout. Est omnia.

Oh, thank you.

What time of year do you want to go?

When do you think?

Well, you go in the spring.

That's a good idea. A very good idea.

Israel.

Yes, wonderful.

Miss. Miss. Excuse me, miss.

You'll be able to go. You'll be able to go. You will, yes.

Victor.

Again she's here with her "Victor".

Can you tell me why I worry about them, the kids?

20 years from now they'll still be going their own way. Happy, unhappy.

What difference?

And I'll have worried myself into the grave.

20 years?

What am I talking about?

Five years, six months.

Any time.

Perhaps I should ask when it would be convenient for them.

Next Tuesday, maybe?

I'll leave Wednesday's dinner on a low light.

(Tapping)

Host, hostess.

Reverend sir.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Pray silence for your Bar Mitzvah boy, Eliot.

(Cheering)

My dear mother and father,

my dear sister,

my dear grandfather,

Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends,

on this day that marks my passage from boyhood to manhood,

I'd like to thank you all for the great honour you have bestowed on me

by your presence at this dinner-dance.

I shall cherish it all my life without fail.

I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also for the patience he has bestowed on me

during the last year while preparing me to learn the portion of the Law

which I had the honour to recite in the...

Which I had the honour to recite today.

He has been no end of a tower of strength in no uncertain terms.

Most of all, I would like to thank my dear mother and father,

for the guidance, wisdom and love which they have bestowed on me during my boyhood.

Now that I am a man, I will follow my dear father's example

and that of my dear grandfather.

And last but not least, that of my sister Lesley's boyfriend, Harold,

living my life with truth, industry and selfless devotion

according to the moral teachings of the Talmud.

At the risk of repeating myself, they've been no end of a tower of strength in no uncertain terms.

I sincerely hope I'll be a credit to them all,

that they will say of me as Antony did of Brutus,

in Act V, Scene v, line 73,

"This was a man."

Thank you all for the wonderful presents which you have bestowed on me,

which I'm extremely grateful for.

I trust you enjoy your evening,

not forgetting the dancing, which is about to ensue,

as I feel sure you assuredly will. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your Bar Mitzvah boy,

accompanied by his mother your hostess,

will now take great pleasure in opening the ball.

# I'll Be Loving You Always

(Song ends)

(Applause)