All language subtitles for These Old Broads 2001 DVDRip XviD-VH-PROD

Ialways want to be around

Boys, crazy boys

Crazy boys

"Cause I"m boy crazy

Crazy for boys

No, no, I wasn`t sleeping, I was just,,,

I was trying to picture how
these three women Iook now after,,,

-Nearly 40,
-,,,40 years, yeah,

-And I was just getting a Iittle nauseous,
-But Iook at the grosses on the re-release,

Yeah, I saw them,
Yeah, 14 million opening weekend,

It`s expected to do at Ieast 50,

50? And you want me to suggest
to Mr, Stern exactly what now?

-Well, sir, I was thinking,,,
-Remember your Iast thought?

Remember, huh? When we opened
the sunken treasure chest on Iive TV,

And what happened, Tom?
What happened?

-It was empty, sir, But,,,
-Right, Hold on a second, Wait, wait,

You want me to suggest to Mr, Stern
that we remake some rusty old road movie

-with three has-been geriatrics,
-No, no, Not remake,

Reunite the stars, and have them sing
the hits from the film on Iive television,

I mean, they`re icons, People would tune in
just to see if they`re still alive,

I wasn`t Iistening to you just now,
I was having a brilliant thought,

Instead of whatever you just said,
we should reunite the stars

and have them sing the hits of the movie
on Iive television,

I mean, people will tune in just to see
if they`re alive,

But there is just one problem:
They hate each other,

They hate each other on Jerry Springer
and that goes through the roof,

Okay, so who could we get to produce
this spectacle? Who could we get?

-Well, there is one guy,,,
-Yes?

,,,who might be able to help
get them together, keep the peace,

-Yes,
-You know, one of them is his mother,

You`re not gonna tell me who it is, are you?
You want me to beg Iike a schnauzer?

-It`s Wesley Westbourne, sir,
-Am I supposed to know who that is?

Well, he`s the one who does
the documentaries on PBS,

He`s been pitching this deadly idea for
a series of nineteenth century First Ladies,

-Well, get him into the office!
-I just warn you, though,

He`s a bit dry and pretentious,
so you may wanna humor him a bit,

I`m sorry, It just seemed Iike you thought

you were talking to someone
who wasn`t in the business,

Yeah, well, you know, I just,,,

-Mrs, Ida Saxton McKinley,
-I have goose bumps,

I have,,, I mean, I don`t know about you,
but keep going, This is,,,

-President William McKinley`s wife,
-Duh!

She`s only a personal idol of mine,

Who do you see in
the role of Ms, McKinsey?

-McKinley, Well, I thought,,,
-I have two words for you, Farrah,

I Iove it, I Iove it, I Iove it, We`re making it,
We`re doing it, I Iove it,

-Great,
-What is this, an outline?

Oh, my God, Iook at this, I smell ratings,
Oh, my God, I`m so excited right now,

I`m about to pass an Emmy,
This is fantastic, This is great,

Now, there is one Iittle thing I need you
to do for me first,

Okay?

So you said yes, right?

Connie, these women hate each other
and don`t speak,

I haven`t spoken to my mother in two years,
as you may recall,

Well, it sounds Iike you may have
to break the silence,

-No, I don`t have to,
-Wesley, are you telling me

you`re gonna give up a chance to do your
dream project just because

you don`t wanna talk to your mommy?

They`re old Iadies now,
What can they do to you?

Anyway, I think it`s a great idea, I`d watch,

Right after I watched your show on
Ida Stockton McKinley,

It`s Saxton McKinley,
It has no redeeming social value,

Hey, you guys, get in here,
You gotta check this out,

Tired of teen angst comedies and carnage?
Well, apparently so is the rest of America,

because the surprise box office winner
this weekend was the re-release

of the 1960s feel-good musical Boy Crazy,

We spoke to Boy Crazy star
and new age zealot, Kate Westbourne,

in her present incarnation as Mame.

So, Ms. Westbourne, are you surprised to be
in a hit movie again after all these years?

My dear, I"ve had an audience
since I was 17-years-old.

I can`t do this,

And I certainly make it a point never
to appear surprised. It"s not a flattering look.

That`s my momma,

But it is amazing.

No, this movie is one of many,
many good movies that I have made

over a very long career.

-Five minutes, Ms. Westbourne.
-Now, if you"ll excuse me.

That broad is a piece of work,

You know how some people have fantasies
of growing up in Hollywood

with movie-star parents?
Well, my fantasy is everyone else`s reality,

I wish that, instead of being adopted
by a movie star,

I was adopted by just regular parents
with siblings,

a mom cooking dinner in the kitchen,
a dad coming home from work,

-giving me chores,
-And you know what, buddy?

If that happened, you would wish
you were adopted by the movie star,

Well, maybe, But a different movie star,

One who`s, I don`t know,
capable of showing affection,

Who? Joan Crawford?

We caught up with perky Piper Grayson

at her struggling Las Vegas casino, where
she was as incessantly upbeat as ever.

Last week, you could hear a chip drop
in this place.

Then the movie came out
and now I"ve got a full house.

-It"s so exciting.
-She`s cute,

They"re winning. Come on down.

What are we talking about? I can`t do this,
I`m a serious documentarian,

So be that, after you be this,

Anyway, didn`t you say your mother`s
business manager robbed her blind?

The youngest, Peggy, is the head writer
on the irreverent sitcom, Shut Up, Momma,

We were unable to get an interview
with sex symbol, Addie Holden,

who"s been living in luxurious seclusion...

-Nice wig,
-...since the 1991 incarceration

of her mobster boyfriend,
Tony ""the Meatpacker"" Frank.

Ten years ago, Frank was imprisoned
for loan-sharking and soliciting murder.

Since his arrest, Ms. Holden has faithfully
visited her paramour

and she was once fined for exposing herself
through the Plexiglas window

during visiting hours.

Come on, admit it,
You`re kind of Iiking the idea,

And, hey, play your cards right and
you may even get me as an assistant,

I hate the idea,
But Iet`s face it, I need this job,

My mother needs it,
And apparently, you need it, too,

It`s a package deal, So, we`II do it,

Yeah, sure, We`II do it,
Whether or not I get these Iadies to do it,

that`s a whole other matter,

Is my husband winning?
Hit him, George! If you don`t, I will,

Everybody wave to my husband of
42 years, Bill, the big Iove of my Iife,

-I Iove you, honey,
-Go on, everybody, Wave to Bill,

Wave to Bill, He`s so cute, So cute,

-Hello, dear,
-Hello, Ms, Grayson,

I`m Wesley Westbourne,

Well, well! Your parents
must`ve been big fans,

You have the same name
as Kate Westbourne`s adopted son, Wesley,

-No, I am Wesley,
-Really? You don`t Iook anything Iike her,

-Well, as you mentioned, I am adopted,
-I never had to adopt,

AII Bill had to do was just Iook at me funny
and I got pregnant,

You know, after four children, I had to,,,
I had to beg him to Iook away

and get a vasectomy,

Well, now, you didn`t come here
to hear about my sex Iife,

-Or did you?
-No, I,,, Thank you,

-You can pay for it over there,
-Great,

-10 dollars,
-But, you know,,,

-There you go,
-Is there somewhere we can talk?

No, I couldn`t even Iook at those two again,
after what I`ve seen them do,

I just recently got over this, you know,
I mean, I almost had to see a psychoanalyst,

Addie and your mother were Iike rabbits,
thumping and humping

and the trailers were rocking,
dresses were Iifted,

-They were Iike, Iike,,,
-Rabbits?

I already said that,

No, no, No, no, They were worse than
rabbits because rabbits are cute and fluffy,

They don`t have breasts heaving
in front of the crew and Iittle Iace undies

dangled in front of the director,
They were both

doing the nasty with the director,

I can`t quite picture my mother
having relations,,,

Well, how do you think you were born?
You,,,

That`s right, that`s right,
You were adopted,

Well, knowing your mother,
I`m sure she slept with everybody

at the adoption agency, AIthough I`m sure
that menopause put an end to that,

-Dried me out completely,
-Wow,

Well, she certainly Iooks dried out,
I say that with great Iove,

Memory fades, you know, then
the face goes and then the bosoms go,

and the privates and the derriere,,,
No, I`m not going to face those hussies,

No! I`m not! No, no, no,

Your Iife seems so much better than theirs,

You have a husband and
four children who Iove you and this casino,

-Go away from me, now,
-This could,,,

-No! Get away from me!
-What`s going on?

No, And the costumes were horrible,
I Iooked Iike an egg with hair,

-They got the best dresses,
-I`m not gonna say it twice, mister, Scram,

-We could put you in any costume that you,,,
-Come on, Now, Iisten to me,

I`m an ex-Marine and in WWII,
I pulled a man`s face off

with just these two fingers,

I didn`t enjoy it,,,much, But I`d do it again,

I Iooked Iike a tap-dancing mushroom,

I`m sorry, I`m so, so sorry,

-I did not mean to,,,
-Don`t touch, no touching,

-No! No, no, nothing, No touch, no touching,
-I`m going, I`m going, I`m gone, I`m gone,

-What`s your business?
-Who is it, Leo?

Yeah, I got a message from Mr, Frank,
My father`s bunking with him in prison,

Put the blindfold on and send him in.

-The blindfold?
-She`s been in an accident,

I just can`t believe that Tony wants me
to do this, He was the reason I retired,

It`s a favor for a friend,
I can`t tell you anything more than that,

I`m sure Tony will be proud for everyone
to see how good you Iook,

And you`re bound to Iook younger than
anybody else since you had the face,,,

Zip it, Mother,

So is everyone else doing it?
Is that Westbourne tramp doing it?

-Yeah, she`II be doing it,
-I wouldn`t be so sure about that,

I suppose you heard about the fight we had?

Yeah, you and Mrs, Westbourne
both had relations with the director,

Not at the same time, obviously,
I`m quite sure she wasn`t as imaginative or

sensual or acrobatic as I was,
but basically, yes, we did,

And the director, that awful Dick Preston
with the freckled penis, God rest his soul,

he made the first move on me,

Freckled? You know,
this is perhaps too much information,

I used to call him ``the Spotted Dick,``

-after the English pudding,
-Right,

Anyway, after he and I got together,
he dumped your mother,

Yes, I know, You`re Kate`s son, aren`t you?
It`s Wesley, isn`t it?

-How did you know?
-You`re sneaky, just Iike she is,

That red-headed witch, You don`t mind
if I call your mother a witch, do you?

Everyone else does,

Ms, Hoity-Toity here didn`t bother
to introduce us,

I`m her mother, you believe that?
I`m Miriam Hodges,

-You`re American?
-I`m a Yankee Doodle Dandy,

-But,,,
-That`s her Hollywood voice,

Can it, Mummy, dearest,
I was educated in England,

-If you say so, Countess,
-Don`t take any notice of her, She`s senile,

I wish I were senile,
Then I could forget how crazy,,,

One more word out of you and it`s back
to the Drool Academy for the Aged, Okay?

AII right, Where were we?
Yes, AII right, I`II do it,

If the other two do it, But I guarantee you,
you will not talk that old bat into it,

I don`t think it`II be too hard to convince
my own mother,

Come in,

Hi,

-Get out,
-It`s so good to see you too, Mother,

Stop it,

Since you have not spoken to me
in I don`t know how Iong,

give me one good reason
why I should speak with you,

Well, I believe it is you
who have not spoken to me,

Well, we`re speaking now,

-I have a job for you,
-I know about this job,

But you did not have a job for me
when you were making

that Mary Todd Lincoln show,

And you know I wanted to play
Mary Todd Lincoln,

I see spirits too, And I can be dignified!

Mother, I was making a documentary
on Mrs, Lincoln,

We used old photos and drawings,
There were no actors,

You need this job, desperately, Your Iast
two business managers cleaned you out,

-You`re in debt up to your,,,
-I would rather get a barium enema

on Iive TV than work with that tramp again,

-What tramp?
-The one you went to before you came to me,

-I wasn`t born yesterday,
-Yeah, I`II say,

I`m offering you the chance to make a
comeback, to make some serious money,

Forgive me, I`m a horrible excuse for a son!

But why can`t I star in this TV show
all by myself?

I am the only one that`s still
Iegitimately working, you know that,

Addie`s a gangster`s moll and Piper
has some saloon so she can sing in it,

-Mother,
-And I,,, No! No! No! No, no, no!

My inner child is having such a tantrum,

It`s criminal what you do to my third chakra,

Forget it, You know what?
You`re doing great,

Keep doing Mame on the road and
wash your underwear out in the sink,

using tiny, teeny hotel soaps,

Forget that this could also help my career
so that I could support you in your old age,

Age is not exactly a heart-melter for me,
Wesley, Have a rice cake,

And don`t Iet it bother you that if you don`t
do this show, I will be forced

to write a tell-all book chronicling,
for example, that you used to beat me,

I wish I had,

How about that time that you
set my friend Jeremy on fire?

He got too close to my cigarette,
And, anyway, his hair grew back,

Who they gonna believe, Mother?
You or me?

You`re a brat,
I should never have taught you to speak,

-So what`s it gonna be?
-Write your Iittle tell-all book,

See how far it gets you,

-Why are we so horrible to each other?
-Well, that`s simple,

We have an S&M relationship,

Son and mother,

What do you mean,
you`ve never heard of Beryl Mason?

-She was the biggest agent in Hollywood,
-When was this?

In the `50s and the `60s and the `70s,

Well, we weren`t all raised in Hollywood,
you know?

Well, Iook,
Beryl is still these three Iadies` agent,

and if anyone could talk them into
doing the special, it would be her,

But I gotta tell you, she`s kind of scary,

When my mom brought me here as a kid,
I`d always get nosebleeds,

Okay, now the reason for you
begging me to come becomes clear,

Ben, if Beryl is anything
Iike what she used to be,

she stays in bed all day, eating and talking
on the phone and smoking pot and

watching documentaries about dead people,
It makes her feel better about herself,

Hold it, Wait, Then I can`t go in there,

because you know how I am
around people who smoke pot,

-I get a contact high,
-You`II be fine,

She`II behave, Let`s go,

-Hello, Beryl,
-I Iove this part,

Sit, Sit,

You gotta hand it to this country,
We really pulled it together for D-day,

Hitler must have felt
Iike such a total schmuck,

-So, Wesley,
-Beryl, you Iook fantastic,

Bull, I`m as big as a bungalow,

-Who`s that?
-This is Ben, Ben Collier,

Sit down,

Tell me what you need besides a drink,

Rose, bring in the trays,

Just a nice Iittle afternoon snack,

So, Iet`s get down to business,

Okay, Well, I was thinking,,,

Wait, Before you start,
Iet me put my head to one side

and Iisten to you with the part of my brain

that might believe
the crap you`re about to tell me,

Iike I already didn`t know
you went to all three of these women

without calling me, their agent!

-I was,,,
-As punishment, 15% of what they make

and 15%% of what you make,

-I don`t think,,,
-Nonnegotiable,

-But, I,,,
-And no Iegwork,

-It`s illegal,
-You`re doing the roundup,

Take it or Ieave it,

-Well,,,
-I said nonnegotiable,

-PIus I`m co-producer,
-Oh, no,

And if you interrupt me one more time,

I`II be directing the bloody thing
from this bed,

So, how Iong have you been here?

Hey! So, all the women are committed, right?

Well, I spoke to Beryl Mason,
It`s as good as done,

Done is as good as done,

Anything Iess than done
doesn`t quite measure up,

Wesley, we don`t need that washed-up,
has-been pothead agent, Beryl Mason,

It`s nonnegotiable,
I couldn`t pull it off without her,

-Okay, now that`s clearer,
-But I have a great idea,

-I`m frightened,
-Why don`t I introduce you to the Iadies?

And we can just sit down and
hammer out the fine points of the deal,

-Okay,
-Okay? Good,

It`s good for you? I`m so relieved,

Oh, my God, it`s the Pope,

No way,

And that endless shoot
in the sweltering heat,

and that idiotic flower dirndl dress
they gave me to wear,

I Iooked Iike a 15-year-old pregnant hillbilly,

Like it`s bad to Iook 15?

This isn`t about the costume,
It`s about Freddy, isn`t it?

Freddy Hunter? PIease,
I haven`t thought about him in ages,

Because if it is, I wanted to remind you
it all happened so Iong ago

-when we were so young,
-Well, Iet`s just drop it, okay?

I forgave you years ago, So Iet`s move on,

-Okay,
-Great,

-Good,
-Grand,

-Groovy,
-And besides,

everybody knows you`re a very sick woman,
a card-carrying nymphomaniac,

Nympho!

You think any woman who had a normal,
healthy sex Iife

was a nymphomaniac,

Well, I enjoy sex, but you,,, If a man was
on fire, you`d stamp him out and screw him,

See, I think of sex as a Ianguage
and I`m fluent in it,

You,,, Well, for you, it`s a second Ianguage,

Piper, I did you a favor
by taking away Freddy,

A favor is doing something for someone
that they are unable to do for themselves,

I was perfectly capable of Iosing Freddy
on my own,

After I`d had my tonsils taken out,
I couldn`t speak,

Now, you know what that must`ve been Iike
for me, So I drank,

And I went on a weeklong bender
that ended up with Freddy,

It was all in the note of atonement
I sent you,

I didn`t get any note,

Anyway, I was with Freddy

because I was in a blackout,

-What`s your excuse?
-He gave me a red convertible

and my mother told me to,
She thought he was Italian,

And you do everything
your mother tells you to,

Less, now that she`s dead,

The whole thing with Freddy
was a nightmare,

I mean, the man had skinny Iittle
hairless Iegs

and a saggy ass,

It was Iike coupling with a clothespin,

-How vivid,
-Yes, So what about the special?

I don`t need it,
You know my casino`s doing very well,

I mean, you couldn`t really pay me
enough money to,,, Really?

Well, that`s fine, That`II just do fine, I`m in,

Of course, I don`t Iike those
two other women,

And I still resent you, There aren`t
any tonsils Ieft in there, are there?

Because I don`t wanna worry about you
around my husband, Bill,

PIease, I spend most of my time in bed,

Well, from what I understand,
you can do quite a Iot of damage in bed,

-Wesley,
-Mother, you Iook great,

-Bill, how are you?
-Kate, It`s so Iong,,,

Nice to see you, You know, I can`t believe
that these amusing boys are businessmen,

You know, in my day, the studio executives
were all fat and ugly and smelled of cigars,

but you boys Iook Iike models,

-Ms, Holden,
-Wesley, Call me Addie,

-You remember my mother from Kansas?
-Of course,

-Ms, Mason will see you all now,
-Piper`s not here yet,

Don`t worry, She`s already upstairs,
It`s a Iove-in,

Okay,

-Grandma, Tom,
-Right,

-Hello, girls,
-Hi, Piper, You Iook wonderful,

-Addie,
-Piper, how are you?

Beryl,

One more facelift and she`II
blow her nose through her forehead,

-Excuse me, Mrs, Munster,
-It`s Gidget goes to seed,

-Someone swallowed a boulder,
-Look over there, dear,

It`s Queen EIizabeth and her mother Ethel,

-How are you, Kate?
-I`m very well, Thank you,

-You`re Iooking grand, I Iove your turban,
-Yes, I Iove your wig,

-No, no, no, It`s not a wig,
-Really?

AII right! Enough! AII right!

Let`s just get this thing over with,

I assume you and Wesley have discussed
some preliminary figures?

But I wanted to show you a number
for each of these Iadies,

that I think is closer to the mark,

Okay,

Ladies, will you excuse me a minute?

Come,

You sons of bitches,

Don`t you kids know that these women
are the only icons we have Ieft?

AII the men are dead,

I can certainly see why,

You want us to go to another network?

Because the other networks eat this stuff up,

Yeah, sure, in syndication,

Got to hand it to her,
she hasn`t Iost her touch,

No, Smoking kills,

Let her smoke, But, dear,
you really should try a thinner cigarette,

It decreases the proliferation
of the Iip Iines,

At Ieast I have Iips,

I think my Iittle girl Iooks wonderful,
You know, she just had a,,,

Zip it, Mother, I just had a Iittle Iiposuction,
That`s what keeps my waist so tiny,

Something you could use,

AII the fat just goes to another place,

You know, I had a friend who Iipoed her
stomach and within several months,

she Iooked just Iike Jabba the Hutt,

-Who`s Jabba the Hutt?
-It`s a sea slug, Mummy, from outer space,

And it`s not a compliment,

I had to have the Iipo,
I was puffy from an accident,

Yes, of course,

Isn`t it odd how every four years or so
you have some sort of accident,

and each time you end up Iooking more
and more Iike a wide-mouthed sea bass?

Ladies, we have a deal,

Well, Addie`s not here yet,

Well, I`m sure she has a perfectly
good explanation,

No, no, you idiot, When I ordered a shiatsu,
I meant a massage, Not a dog,

I`m so sorry I`m Iate,
You cannot believe what happened to me,

-What?
-It was an absolute nightmare,

I had to change my entire outfit because
I had a run in my tights,

-You sure it wasn`t a varicose vein?
-Yes, I`m quite sure,

And didn`t we have
a favored nations clause?

Yes, Where none of us were supposed
to bring additional people,

The word ``entourage`` comes to mind,

-``Parade,``
-You know what?

-What?
-You really need to do something

-about all these people,
-No, no, no, Tony insists I have at Ieast

-one bodyguard,
-No,

What does she need a bodyguard for?

Nobody would want her body
in the first place,

-What about Mummy?
-Okay, Mommy,

Okay,

-Thank you,
-Run on,

AII right, girls,

I am so thrilled
to be directing real stars here,

So why don`t we just sidle on up
to the piano here

-and see how much of this you remember,
-AII right,

-On the top of Boy Crazy.
-Yes, Boy Crazy. Great,

-I...
-I...

I like the way that they dance
I"m boy crazy

I... I like the cut of their pants
I"m boy...

Keep going, keep going,
That was great, That was great,

-I`II be right back,
-Is there a problem?

I`II be right back, too,

-Let`s take it from the top of the song,
-Is it okay?

-Could you do it in my key?
-No, no, That was much too Iow for me,

That is the funniest thing I`ve ever seen
in my entire Iife,

This is gonna be so hilarious,

-No, it`s not supposed to be funny,
-I know one of them is your mother,

But that is not your fault,

``I`m boy crazy,``

You know what it should be?
``I`m Medicare crazy,``

Hey, you gotta pull yourself together here,

I know, I know, I`m sorry, I`m sorry,

Okay, I`II calm down,

Excuse me, but is that alcohol?

``Excuse me, but is that alcohol?``
Yes! Yes, it`s alcohol,

I`d Iike to see anybody do this sober,

Well, someone will do it sober
because you`re fired,

Ladies, I have some
potentially good news, really,

-It seems that Roger,,,
-We know, dear, We heard, Fired,

-I have an idea, though,
-It`s all our idea,

No, it wasn`t, It was my idea,
I brought it up and you agreed,

-Don`t you remember?
-No, It was my idea, I was the,,,

-It was not,
-Okay, okay, What`s the idea?

We want you to direct the special,

Me? No, That`s sweet,
but I make documentaries,

No, Don`t put yourself down,

-It`s in your blood, dear,
-My blood? I`m adopted,

Wesley, you`re Iike my children,
You were raised on movie sets,

I breastfed the twins during dailies,

It was sickening, And besides, we
never Iisten to the director anyway,

-We know what you do with the director,
-What I do with the director?

-Well, Iook who`s talking,
-Now, Iadies, Dignity! Dignity!

-Manners,
-That`s right, So it`s settled,

-You`II direct, Onward and upward,
-But,,,

There,

We have,,,

-Right,
-Who has the first Iine?

-Me,
-No, I,,,

You fall for any old Iine?

What are you, a moron?
God! Who am I asking?

Everybody knows Roger`s a drunk, okay?
But at Ieast he`s a semi-successful director,

You`re not even a semi-successful producer,
You, forgive me for saying, are a son,

Gavin, I could do this,

AII righty, then,
Now there`s two things you can screw up

producing and directing,

-Thank you for your support,
-You want support? Get a training bra,

You better make this work,
You better make this work, Westbourne,

or you and your career are gonna be Iike
President McKinsey`s wife, Dead and buried,

-McKinley,
-I said that,

-Those actresses are so self-involved,
-Mother, you`re an actress,

You forget I wrote a book,

Yeah, An autobiography called Me, Me, Me.

Well, sometimes you don`t even act
Iike you`re my son, Wesley,

Well, sometimes you don`t even act
Iike you`re my mother,

Come on,
I`ve given you everything a child could want,

Toys, Iove, publicity,

Listen, tomorrow morning I`m gonna
be a Iittle bit Iate

because I have a power peel
and a bikini wax,

Give me a kiss, Thank you,

Wesley, give me that costume.
I want the red one, not the green one.

Wake up, You`re having a nightmare,

You promised me great costumes.
This is too tight.

Connie,

God, it was so horrible,

It was so real, It was my mother and Addie
and Piper and they were

this hideous fire-breathing, three-headed
gargoyle monster who wanted to talk to me

about the show
and who had the most fabulous costumes,

and I can`t do this,

What`s really going on?

I just think people are gonna say that
I`m setting up housekeeping

in my mother`s shadow,

-Why?
-Connie, when I was growing up,

I just wanted to fit in,
and after years of struggling

I finally do get to a place where I could
succeed or I could fail on my own terms,

and now I`m right back at a place
that I just don`t wanna be at,

Kate Westbourne`s son, And if I do fail
at this, I`m just gonna be known as,

``What`s his name?
Kate Westbourne`s Ioser son,``

That`s ridiculous,

You`re helping your mother financially
and you`re gonna get your series on the air,

-Even your mother will respect that,
-Let me put this in a way you`II understand,

Not a chance,
My mother will never respect me,

You`re expecting her to behave
Iike a human being,

You`re forgetting one thing
that she never forgets, She is a star,

Pete, take it,

Okay, Iadies, It`s just the three of you today,
No boys,

Everybody, we`re gonna face front
towards the mirrors,

Now, I put marks down for rehearsal,

Piper, front and right, Addie, front and Ieft,

-And Kate, center back,
-No, no, I want to be in the center front,

because I`m tallest,

Since I`m the youngest,
I should be in the center,

Welcome to the Land of Delusion,
Population: both of you,

Ladies, Iadies, could we just try this
Pete`s way for now? PIease,

-Okay,
-Okay,

Good,

Okay, Iadies, Point shoulder up, down,
Rudy, take it from the top of Boy Crazy.

I... I like the way that they dance
I"m boy crazy

-I... I like...
-Piper, Piper, Piper, We`re not singing today,

No, it`s just a dance rehearsal,
But you know what?

That does remind me,
When we do sing these songs,

back from our younger days,
maybe we could frame them,

you know, with a nice Iittle intro,
something along the Iines of,

``Remember way back when?``
Or, ``Say, here`s a trip down memory Iane,``

Okay? Let`s try that, shall we? Super,

Okay, Iadies, Let me show you from the top,
AII right?

Five, six, seven, eight,
Toe point, toe to drop,

-Step, flick, step, down, turn and step,
-Wait a minute, You`re going too fast,

-Step, kick, down, step,
-How can we get this?

-Now, wait a minute,
-Reach and step, Reach and turn,

Reach, turn, Hip, Ball change,

-Step, reach and pop,
-Wonderful,

I`d have an easier time typing
that than dancing it,

Ladies, Iadies, we are on the right track,

-Sure,
-Whose track?

Look, we`II break it down,

Here we go, Iadies, Here we go,

-Five, six, seven,,,
-Wait a minute, Wait, wait, wait,

-Wait a minute,
-,,,eight, Toe, point, shoulder, down,

Reach, Swing, Swing that Ieg out,
Swing the Ieg out,

If you spent more time practicing your steps

-instead of that phony accent,
-Get away from me, Stop it!

Ladies, Iet me help you up,

I`II get up myself,

And she kicked me
with that great big green Ieg of hers,

Ladies, Ladies, please,

Shut up!

-What is it you want?
-I need to talk to Ms, Holden, privately,

-Why?
-I mean, it just concerns you, privately,

-Me?
-AII right,

-Come on,
-Just make it quick,

-Can we work?
-And forget the turn!

-Okay, thank you,
-Five, six, seven and point,

-What? Oh, my God,
-What?

-What`s the matter?
-It`s my boyfriend, Tony,

He`s had a heart attack in jail and,,,

And what? PIease, God,
make this a tiny ``and,``

Well, he has a Iittle heart condition
and so they put him in an ambulance

and took him off to the hospital and
somehow or another, en route, he escaped,

Oh, my God, Is he dangerous?
Are the two of you on good terms?

Tony`s not dangerous, He adores me,
No, he would never do anything to hurt me,

And besides, he`s an old man
with a heart attack, What can he do?

Come on, Iet`s get back to the number,

Wait, wait, We have to do something,
Increase security or,,,

No, she`s right, Let`s go back to work,
I need to stretch my Iegs,

Let`s not have anyone talk of heart attacks
and jail, Let`s have music and joy,

AII right, Let`s play some piano,

Here we go, from the top,
Five, six, seven and step,

shoulder, up, down, flick,,,

Hey, Iook, If I had her waiting for me,
I`d break out of prison, too,

I mean, Iook at this girl,
That`s one good Iooking Iady,

Gavin, I may be mistaken, but

I think she was very much alive
at the start of World War II,

Yeah? And I would Iove to have
gotten in the trenches with her, Look at that,

God, you need help,

I mean, so what? So she`s got
a few years on me, You know what?

I Iike those years on me, Yeah, Come on,

Look, this is the first break we`ve had,
It`s getting us tons of publicity,

The phones are ringing off the hook,
I`m proud of you, now get out of here,

Cheryl, send Addie some flowers,
And write a note,

And Iet`s give it a personal touch,
``Sorry about your boyfriend,

``BIah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, With Iove,``

And hold all calls,

-Room service for Ms, Holden,
-Could you turn around please?

Put your arms out,

-Who is it?
-Room service,

-I didn`t order room service,
-It`s courtesy of the production office,

How nice,

-There you go,
-Thank you,

Cannolis, My favorite,

-Help me out of this thing!
-Tony! Oh, my God,

Tony, you scared me to death,
Are you crazy?

Ms, Holden, are you okay in there?

Yes, Officer, Everything`s fine,
I tripped over my makeup mirror cord

and it smashed, But I`m fine,
Keep up the good work,

Okay,

You should not be here, This is the
first place they`II expect you to come,

So what? I mean, what are they gonna
give me? Life in prison?

I`m scared, I`II tell you the worst thing
that can happen to me,

I heard you were doing another show,

I got very upset,

I had a heart attack,
I mean, didn`t we have an agreement

that you weren`t gonna do no more shows?

Yes, Tony, we did, Tony, you know
I adore you and you give me everything,

but I was Ionely for my fans and, Iet`s face it,

you wouldn`t have wanted me
if you hadn`t seen me perform,

Well, here I am, So you can perform for me,

Where am I supposed to hide you?
I`m harboring a criminal,

Well, harbor me good, babe, because
this boat hasn`t been docked in years,

Why must you always be so vulgar?

You Iove it, and I`m born to be, right?

-You remember the time,,,
-Yes,

-Yeah, that was great,
-Get down there,

So you`re gonna start right there,
just Iike we did in Paris,

Good on the dive, Sharper, And turn,
Whack, whack, Good, Good,

Connie, remind me I gotta talk to Nolan
about Beat It Down.

-Good morning, everybody,
-Good morning,

Good morning, you Iovely, Iovely Iadies,

-What are you so chipper about?
-Well, why shouldn`t I be chipper?

The sky is blue, traffic is Iight,
my hips are tiny

and I`m working again
with such good friends,

-You`re hiding Tony in your room,
-Who?

Come off it, When a woman is cheerful
and has a hickey on her neck,

there`s a man behind it,

AII right, I am hiding him,
But don`t tell anyone, please,

You can`t do that, you know,
It`s aiding and abetting,

Yes, You`re housing a criminal,
which is a crime,

and crime is against the Iaw,

Let me just have him for a Iittle while Ionger,
I`m having multiples,

It`s absolutely amazing,
This man can go for hours,

It`s some sort of tantric thing
they Iearn in jail,

-You`d Iove it,
-What if you get caught?

Look, just one more night,
Any more and I can`t take it,

Look, if you asked me to hide your boyfriend
who`d just broken out of jail,

I`d do it for you, And you,

-Multiples?
-Tantric?

Tantric,,,

Tony, that was so incredible,

Bet you never got anything Iike that
in jail, huh?

You were never anybody`s girl,
were you, Tony?

You don`t have to answer that,

So, does Big Tony wanna come out
and play again?

Round number four, Tony?

Tony?

Tony!

-Addie, what is it?
-What?

-It`s Tony, I think he`s,,,
-Having an extended senior moment,

Very rude?

No, no, I think I shtupped him to death!

Dear, you did the right thing,
I`m sure that`s what he would have wanted,

Yeah, He`s gone,

But don`t be upset at it,
because death is never the end,

It`s the beginning of a new incarnation,

Yes, You know, that`s true,
Bill is always asking me to boff him to death,

I know you`re upset, but would you have
the decency to cover the man?

It is not one of my goals in Iife
to see a dead mobster`s butt,

We have got to get rid of this body,
This is very incriminating,

This could create all kinds of negative
publicity for me, and the show, of course,

Well, no offense,
but he`s a dead weight now,

And how do you suggest we do that?

I don`t know,
At Ieast Iet`s get him off the bed!

-Well, Iet`s do it together,
-Let`s roll him off,

On the count of three,,,

-One, two, three!
-One, two, three!

Addie Sue? Are you all right, honey?
I thought that I heard,,,

-Addie Sue?
-Quiet!

Yes, Mummy, Tony`s dead,

I`m amazed that he Iived this Iong,
What I`m reacting to is the size of his,,,

If you must know, his jumbo,

No wonder you stayed with him so Iong,

Is rigor mortis setting in?
Or was he always Iike that?

Okay, okay, put a sock in it!

I`m having a heck of a time
hearing myself think here!

What happened to your accent?

You see, you rattle her enough,
she can talk just Iike you and me,

Shut your trap, Ma,

Ladies, Iet us think, precisely and concisely,

-Right, Mummy, give me your robe,
-But why my robe?

I`m certainly not gonna wear it again
after that`s brushed up against it,

I`II buy you another robe, Mummy,

Come on, where`s the pioneer spirit
that got us out of Kansas?

So what`s the idea
after we get him into the robe?

Well, I think that we should create
some sort of a diversion,

and then we`II carry his body outside
and Ieave it somewhere casually,

-Where? With the bellboy?
-Poolside,

-In the gift shop?
-I just want him out of my room, okay?

Spare us! Spare us the drama, Addie,
Put the robe on him,

Why don`t we all do it together,
for old times` sake?

Oh, God, my memory is so hazy, Addie Sue,

I just don`t remember an old time
Iike that particularly,

-Push him up,
-Heavy for a Iittle guy,

If you don`t know what to do,
don`t push him towards me, He`s too heavy!

-Put his arm in the robe,
-I can`t get it in,

-He`s just gonna fall over,
-Put it in,

AII right, I`II hold,,,

Oh, God!

Get him off me, He`s poking me!

-Is everything all right in there?
-Yes, Officer, Everything`s fine,

Everything`s fine in here, Mr, Policeman,

I don`t think you should Ieave
my robe over that, It Iooks Iike a teepee,

-I wouldn`t touch that with a ten foot pole,
-It is a ten foot pole,

-Thank you,
-Ma`am,

Fire!

-Remain calm! Remain calm! Take the stairs,
-Take the stairs, Follow me,

Stay away from the elevators, Take the stairs
and stay away from the elevator,

You need a waxing,

This way,

-Ms, Holden, Aren`t you Addie Holden?
-No!

Heave him over, Just put him in the chair,
Try to put him in the chair,

-Here, grab a Ieg, grab a Ieg,
-Grab anything,

Call 911,

Tony! Goodbye, Tony, my Iove,
And my very best,

You were the best I ever had, darling,

Oh, God, Spare us, Grieve in your room,
Addie, please, this is ridiculous,

-Go upstairs!
-AII right,

Good Iuck in your new incarnation,
Perhaps I`II see you there,

God rest your soul,
Let`s get the hell out of here,

Did you notice how tiny his feet were?
I guess that old adage doesn`t ring true,

-Big nose, big,,,
-Don`t you dare!

-Excuse us!
-Excuse me,

Arrivederci, Tony

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Yeah?

There they are,

A senior citizen`s arrest,

I get final approval of all these pictures!

Didn`t anyone ever tell you
that a woman should be Iit from below?

Wait! No!

There`s no filter on that Iens,
and I`m always shot from the Ieft!

Thanks, boys,
This will make a swell Christmas card,

Get them,

I bet they haven`t had any in years,

She`s had quite a bit very, very recently,

-Just screwed a man to death,
-I did not,

-Maybe I did,
-Mom?

-Wesley,
-Honey? Honey!

-My baby!
-Addie?

-Oh, my God, Iook at,,,
-Addie, Addie!

-We were just,,,
-Laurie Miller, KRTW,

-Can you tell us what happened?
-Yes, It`s really very simple, The,,,

The deceased, Mr, Marshall,
he broke into my room, and

he tried to force himself onto me,
and when I resisted he died

and so him being nude and all, we slipped
him into my mother, Mrs, Hodges,,,

-No, not into me, into my robe,
-We slipped him into my mother`s robe,

for the sake of common decency,
and then the wastepaper basket

caught fire and so we took him
down to the Iobby,

-That`s it, That`s all,
-End of story,

Well, it is a sympathetic piece,

Sympathetic to you, maybe, but we Iook
Iike chorus girls in your sordid Iittle tragedy,

It is not a Iittle tragedy, Kate,
The man Iiterally died on top of me,

Isn`t that what most men want?
To die in the saddle?

-It is not that great for the saddle,
-No?

-Okay, Let`s do this, Rehearsal`s up,
-Fascinating Rhythm.

Yes, absolutely,

Hi, boys,

-Hello! Hello, hello,
-Hi, girls,

Ready? Music,

Five, six, seven, eight,

Dipsy doodle, It was all my fault,

No, no, no, no, It was all mine,
I bumped into you, I`m so sorry,

-Hello, hello, hello,
-It was my fault, I bumped into you,

Okay, Hello, Follow me,

-Okay,
-You ready? Music,

Five, six, seven and,,,

-Kate! Addie!
-Piper, please!

Listen, Listen, Iisten, Iisten,
I have,,, I have made my statement

about Mr, Frank at the press conference
Iast night and that is all I have to say,

-You just Ieave her dead mobster alone!
-Right,

-He`s crossed over,
-Piper, what do you have to say

about reports speculating that there was
mob involvement in the fire at your hotel?

-What fire at my hotel?
-Ma`am, it`s blazing out of control,

What? Are you sure?
Well, it`s never done that before,

-Bill, did you hear that?
-Well, yeah, it`s,,,

-What does that mean?
-It`s okay, It`II be all right, Yeah,

-What are you saying, it`s all right?
-But apparently, it`s not all right,

The Grayson Casino and Hotel
is still in flames after firefighters

-barely had time to evacuate,
-My mother warned me, Never trust a man!

-No fire insurance!
-Listen, honey I,,,

You would think, with a name Iike Bill,
you`d know how to pay one!

-No touching. No touching.
-Please. Come on.

No, no, no.
You can"t be that stupid enough...

This is a delight!
You couldn`t pay for that kind of publicity,

Gavin, don`t you think this is gonna be a bit
of a setback for Piper?

They had to sedate her and everything,

Cheryl, Look, I can`t help it
if that Iame-o husband of hers

didn`t renew their fire insurance, Cheryl!

FIowers to Piper, ``Sorry about your hotel,

``One door closes, another one opens,

``BIah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
Sincerely,``

-You want your name on the card?
-No! Yeah, sure if there`s room put it on,

But put ``Iove,`` ``Love, Wes,``

-Still in the doghouse?
-Yeah, I guess so,

-Feeling blue?
-Yeah, kind of,

Well, it wasn`t your fault, you know,

-Tell Mama, Tell Mama all, huh?
-Why?

Poor Iittle Bill, so sad, so blue,

His wife`s a Girl Scout, Such bad wigs, too,

Is my boy Bill
in the naughty husband house?

Yes, Yes,

You know, I`ve always found you
very attractive, Bill,

-Addie, I`m,,,
-I`m sure you`d Iike to relax a bit,

Pick up, pick up, pick up,

Pick up,,,

Piper! Are you awake? Well, get awake,
I know, I know,

Shut up and Iisten to me for a minute,
Get the hell out of bed,,,

Yeah, yeah, you heard me, If you don`t,
Addie`s gonna seduce your husband,

just Iike she seduced Dick behind my back,

-,,,Iike martinis?
-I do,

-Peach martinis?
-No,

-What kind of,,,
-Bill?

Honey, I`ve been thinking,
I didn`t Iike that old hotel

and we shouldn`t Iet anything
get in the way of us,

Particularly not some cheap, tacky,
Iiposuctioned, talentless, off-key,

old-bit building,
with Iiver spots all over its arms,

Honey, can Bill, Jr, come out
and play the magic flute for Iittle Piper?

We don`t need a hotel,
We just need a hotel room,

-You don`t have to ask me twice, baby,
-I Iove you,

With make-up as thick as clotted cream

No you"re not a clown, you"re a drag queen

Well, if I`ve got the make-up
of a drag queen, you`ve got the shoulders,

-Hi,
-Hi, Hello,

-Morning,
-Hello, Hello, Hi, Hi,

The network brass and, more importantly,
the major sponsors are here

-for the run-through,
-Right,

So, Iet me see, How can I put this?
What`s that word again?

I see, Yeah, This better not suck, okay?

-Whatever happened to ``break a Ieg``?
-I need this to be good,

I got advertisers coming out of my keester,

-You should have that Iooked at,
-Somebody`s growing a backbone,

Break a Ieg,

And now, Iadies and gentlemen,
may I present the very first run-through

of our salute to Boy Crazy?

PIayback,

I like the boys in summer

And in the fall, same thing

And when the winter"s cold wind blows

What better way to warm your toes?

"Cause even in the wildest snow

Snow, Cue snow,

They always make it spring

Where`s the snow?

I... I like the way that they dance

I"m boy crazy

Get away from me!

This is not what we rehearsed,

That`s great, Hey, it`s good news,
Really, the doctor told me that

Piper will cough up acrylic snow
for a Iittle bit, but that`s it,

The flakes are completely out
of Addie`s eyes,

So her right cornea is a Iittle scratched,
Her vision will be a Iittle blurry,

And my mom`s just being treated
for minor abrasions, It`s fine,

Yeah, I don`t know
if we`re gonna be able to do this,

-No?
-It`s a mess,

Yeah, You can`t start the show
with that number, It`s a train wreck,

You know, Wesley,
I`d say you were a disappointment,

but that would imply that I expected more
from you, Hold on a second,

I just thought of something,
Can you detail cars?

Do you ever get tired of being
such a maggot?

No, I Iove it,
We`re on the air with this thing in two days,

I`II see you in your trailer ASAP,
Thank you, Iadies, Great effort,

Aye, aye, matey, Wesley, Wesley,
please don`t be depressed,

Everything`s gonna be fine,
These things have a way of working out,

Did I ever tell you that you remind me
of that great director, Billy Wilder?

Addie, no,

Well, I just want to thank you
for bringing joy back into my Iife,

And giving me faith again
in the power of entertainment,

-Thank you,
-You`re very welcome,

Mother, Mother, wait up,

Mother, Kate,

Billy? It`s Billy Wilder, for goodness`s sakes!
I didn`t recognize you

without your star of choice,
Addie, the suck-up,

-PIease, She was just being nice,
-``Being nice,``

What you call being nice,
I call blowing smoke up your butt,

AII she wants is to get the best shots
in the special, Wesley,

God forbid you treated me a Iittle better,
I am having a bad enough day as it is,

-I really don`t need any more grief,
-I`m just trying to protect you,

She did the same thing with Dick Preston
on the movie in the first place,

For Pete`s sake,
Stop being such a control freak,

-Act Iike a mother,
-What would you know about mothering?

-You`re just feeding his ego,
-What ego?

You squashed that down years ago,

You`re just jealous
because you don`t have a son,

AII you`ve ever had are boyfriends,
And now that you`ve killed the Iast one,

you`re finally realizing
that family is everything,

And since it`s much too Iate
for you to ever start one of your own,

you`re trying to steal mine,

I don`t want to steal your precious son,

AIthough it wouldn`t be too difficult,
considering how you treat him,

At Ieast I know how to be charming
to people and I`m younger

and better Iooking than you,

Darling, you were stealing husbands
Iong before I was born,

-Really?
-Really,

Well, if you`re so stunning, with all those
Iiver spots that you call freckles,

how come Dick Ieft you for me, huh?
And you wouldn`t Iook quite so cutesy pie

-without that stupid wig!
-Stop it,

Leave me alone, you skinny Iittle mutant!

And Dick Preston did not Ieave me,
He sensed that I was going to Ieave,

and he Ieft first in order to save face,

Well, you`ve never been able to face
what really happened,

You have never been able to face anything,

And what is that supposed to mean?

Let me tell you something
that you have never faced,

Wesley bats for the other team,

And I don`t mean baseball,

What the hell are you talking about?

Kate, your son is gay,

That is ridiculous,

No, What is ridiculous
is that you have never noticed,

-Did Wesley tell you this?
-Wesley didn`t have to tell me that,

Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity
can see it,

-Where are you going?
-To Wesley,

Don`t tell him I told you,

-Kiss ass,
-SIag,

That was not a run-through, Okay?
No, no, Actually, that was a stampede,

No, a stampede would require a real director,
You couldn`t direct traffic, you know that?

You can`t even,,, What?

-It`s Wesley`s mother,
-Busy, Mother,

-No, it`s important,
-In a meeting,

Wesley, what could possibly be so,,, Gavin,

Hello, boys, We need to talk,

-What do you want, Mother?
-What? Do I have to want something?

Isn`t it all right if I just want to come
and talk to my talented son?

If you are complimenting me,
you want something,

Well, you are doing a fantastic job, dear,
You are,

-We all are,
-This must really be important,

-Is one of us dying?
-No!

But apparently one of us is gay,

And who told you that?

Wesley, I think it`s wonderful, dear,

You know, being in show business,
I`ve been around gay people all my Iife,

I sensed it, A mother knows these things,

AII right, Addie told me,

But I am your mother,

-I know, Can I get back to work now?
-No, I mean it,

I am your mother,

You`re obviously driving at something here
and you are so good at being blunt,

So why don`t you just come out and say it,
so I can go back in there

-and get yelled at some more? Okay?
-I said it,

I am your mother,

-And?
-And,,,

Dick Preston was your father,

What are you saying?

My dear, I don`t know how many other ways
I can say this,

You are actually my son,
You are actually the son of Dick Preston,

We had you together, Do you understand?

And you`re gay
and we`ve all had our Iittle secrets,

-You are saying that I`m not adopted?
-That`s right,

You`re saying that Dick Preston
was my father?

Right,

And that you are,,,

Your mother,

And you`re telling me all of this now

to get back at me for not telling you

that I was gay? Or because Addie told you?

No, Don`t you,,, PIease don`t get upset,

Don`t get upset? Why would I get upset?
You wait half of my Iife

to tell me that I am not adopted

and that you are my actual,

real birth mother

and that Dick Preston was my father,,,
And he`s dead now!

``I`m sorry, I forgot to mention you do have
a father, but you don`t really have a father

``because your father is dead!
Don`t get upset!``

Wesley! Come on, now,

I`m gonna go to my meeting now,

This is no time to,,, Wesley! Wesley!

Dear, dear, dear, dear, stop shrieking,
You`II ruin your vocal cords,

And besides that, everyone will hear,

Well, I certainly heard,
So, Dick Preston fathered your child,

-You devious slut!
-Wesley`s Dick`s boy?

So you deprived Wesley of a father
all his Iife because he dumped you for me?

You are jealous because I had a child
with Dick Preston and all you had was sex,

I wish that in a previous Iife,

I had ripped out that vicious tongue
of yours and flung it in the fire,

PIease, we can`t go on Iike this,
We can`t go through all this again,

I can`t believe you two keep on mooning
about Dick Preston,

a man who`s been dead for years
and who, after all, had a freckled penis,

-What?
-How the hell would you know?

Yeah, well, I wouldn`t know,
I wouldn`t know,

That`s just something
that I heard, you know,

He slept with a Iot of people, you know,

Dick slept with women who had normal
sexual appetites,

Which you wouldn`t know anything about,
because you`re so frigid

-you probably never had an orgasm anyway,
-I am not frigid,

And I was having orgasms at the same time
you were, With Dick Preston, Satisfied?

You and Dick,

Pretending to be
that Iittle goody-two-shoes virgin

when you were just as big a whore
as we were,

Dick came to me after he was sick to death
of the two of you,

He needed to be around someone
with a Iittle class,

-A Iittle is right, A very Iittle,
-Well, at Ieast I have some,

-Which is more than you can say,
-You silly, dried-up bimbo!

-I hate you! That is so,,,
-Stop that! Give me that!

-Stop it, Quit it, Quit it,
-Don`t hit me!

That is so,,, Stop it,
You made my child fatherless,

Stop it, Stop it,

Stop it, Stop it!

Stop it! That`s it, That`s it,
Nothing is worth this,

I`m pulling the plug on this sucker,
You`re all officially out of a job,

Especially you, Tom, put on a rerun
of the Susan Lucci movie

and release a statement to the press saying
that whatever talent these Iadies had,

they`ve Iost, along with their minds,
and their Iooks, and my interest,

-No, No,
-Thanks,

You know, the three of you are so bitter
about crap that happened so Iong ago,

you don`t even realize
what was supposed to happen here,

You`re the stars of a movie that the whole
country has fallen in Iove with again

and you don`t even care!

Boy Crazywas a movie about the joy
and the Iove that three friends could have

for each other, and the three of you are just
the worst ambassador of that message

that the world will ever know,

Wesley! Dear heart! Love apple!

Oh, my God,
I think she`s having a heart attack,

-No, she`s crying, I think,
-Don`t be silly, I`ve never seen her cry,

Me neither, But I remember hearing that she
tried that once in the Gregory Peck movie,

and she had this slice of onion
to stick it in her eye and,,,

PIease! I told Wesley that he was my real son

in the most horrible and bizarre way,

And now we`ve Iost our jobs
and he`s Iost his job and,,,

God, he`II never speak to me again,

There, there, you didn`t mean
to tell him in that way,

No, No, no, you`re far too elegant for that,

You would`ve sent him a perfumed note
or something,

Yes, right, That`s right,
You know, I was thinking Iast night,

you know, I was alone and I couldn`t sleep,
so I rented some of Wesley`s,,,

Those presidential documentaries
about mothers, you know, famous mothers,

And it struck me
that they`re always famous mothers Iike us,

that they`re always very doting,
and they always put their families first,

Piper, that is so profound,

Oh, my God, Oh, my God, I see that now,
I`m seeing it so much more clearly,

He needs me, That`s what he needs,

It`s the truth, You know, sweetie,
I`ve had four children and you know what?

-What?
-You can fix this thing with Wesley,

No, No, Well, Iet me be clear, No,

-We will take a salary cut,
-There`s nothing Ieft to cut,

Because you ate it all up in added expenses
with your custom gowns

and your wig makers and your waxing,

Well, in our days, those things
would have been picked up by the studio,

Okay, Well, I guess you`ve
been too busy screaming at each other

to realize that night has kind of fallen
on your day,

Pithy, but rude,

You know, Gavin, when you`re rude

your eyes sparkle Iike a naughty Iittle boy,
and I want to hold you to my breast

and sing you Irish Iullabies,,,

Oh, Gavin boy
Your pipes, your pipes are calling

Straight to my glen
And up the mountain stream

AII right, Gavin, we are really, really sorry,

And we are never really, really sorry
about anything,

We will be nice to people, You`II see,
You know, upbeat, Peppy,

Peppy, Yeah, No, no and a big fat no,

-But, Gavin, we Iove show business,
-It`s all we know,

-And if we can`t perform, we will die,
-Yeah, And you`II be blamed,

What we really want is just
one more moment in the sun,

One more dance in the Iimelight,

We can`t be ourselves
unless we`re in front of an audience,

-That is exactly how I feel!
-Me, too!

-Really?
-Really,

-You didn`t tell me that,
-I Iove it!

-It`s who we are,
-Come here,

-Look what you`ve done,
-Yes, you did it,

I have never heard Wesley so upset,

When I told him the show was back on,
he still hung up on me,

Will you relax? You`re gonna wreck my car,

Just don`t worry about it, If we can convince
that awful Gavin fellow to do the show,

-then Wesley`s a cinch,
-AII right,

Hey, it`s Piper Grayson!
Check it, check it out, man,

What`s your name, dear?

-Sir, excuse me,
-Not now,

Sir, Sir!

-Got it,
-Hello,

-Oh, no,
-Excuse me, excuse me, Attention please,

Has anyone seen my son,
Wesley Westbourne?

-Hide me,
-He`s over here!

Judas,

You`re gonna have to see her
sooner or Iater,

I just,,, I wanna say hi,

-Piper!
-Hi, boys,

-Hello, boys,
-I dressed Iike you for Halloween!

You Iook really good, Great outfit,

You remember me?

You, Wesley,

-Hi, Wesley,
-We`ve been Iooking for you everywhere,

and we really had quite a time finding you,
What was the name of the place

that we particularly Iiked called the,,,
The Toy Box,

-No, she means the Tool Box,
-Yeah,

So, could I talk with you please, Wesley?

There`s so many people here,

-Yeah!
-Hi!

-Can you,,, Do something!
-Okay, okay,

-Distract them! I don`t know,
-You ain`t seen nothing,,,

-Come,
-What?

-Hi, Kate,
-Hi, Kate,

Thank you!

That`s it,

When I first found out I was going
to have a baby, I was so overjoyed,

But, in those days, if you weren`t married
and you were pregnant, it was a scandal,

And if you were a movie star,
your career was over,

So, I wouldn`t have been able to afford you,

So instead of giving you up for adoption,
I pretended to adopt you,

I have to know, How did you pull this off?

I went to Europe, I faked a phony illness,
Got Iots of fluffy, big clothes,

And when I came back, I had this beautiful
baby boy from the Ukraine,

And you never told me any of this because,,,

,,,to adopt you, that`s why,

Every time I try to get close to you, you run,

Every day I meant to tell you,
And every day that I didn`t tell you,

the not-telling-you got bigger,

And you sensed
that I was holding something back,

And that`s the way it became between us,

So all those times you tried to tell me,
you just felt guilty,

And when I felt guilty, I resented you,

Wesley, I was wrong,

And I can`t forgive myself
until you forgive me,

PIease, son,

AII right, I will forgive you,

-Under one condition,
-Anything,

I wanna hear you say, ``I was wrong,``

One more time,

I was wrong,

-Now do me a favor, please?
-What`s that?

Hug your mother,

Okay,

-Thank you, Ralph!
-Did he forgive you?

Yes!

Come on, guys,

,,,this row, I need you to follow the spot
on the Iadies all the way down the stairs,

And, Eric, for crying out Ioud,
you gotta fix these cracks in the stage,

The Iadies are gonna trip,
They`re wearing heels,

Wesley, say hello to Mr, Stern,
the Chairman of the network,

-Hello,
-How do you do?

Kate and Piper are on their way,
I`m just gonna go Iook for Addie,

When Gavin told me his idea
for the special, I was a Iittle skeptical,

But then when the sponsors started
fighting for time, I changed my tune,

Gas Go Bye Bye and Denture Grab,
Tinkle Pads,

I told Gavin today,
he`s getting a huge bonus,

Well, you must be so proud,

-Here they are, Mr, Stern,
-Hello!

-Two of our shining stars,
-Piper, Kate,

-Hello,
-I am a huge fan,

And, Piper, I wanted to marry Tammy
Iike every other man in America,

And, Kate, if there`s anything
to this past Iife thing,

I sure hope that we were Iovers
in another Iife,

I`m certain of it, You were Charlemagne,

Well, thank you,

And I still have the Playboy centerfold
that Addie did a few years ago,

I`m sure she`d Iove to talk to you
about her spread,

-I`II go get her, shall I?
-I`d Iike that,

Forget your troubles
Come on, get Addie

I"m gonna chase all your cares away

And I was just starting to Iike you a Iittle,
Come on, Bill,

Wait a minute,
You`ve got it all wrong, as usual,

-Have I?
-Well, honey, her zipper got stuck, I,,,

We`re going,
No show is worth Iosing your husband,

Don`t be so melodramatic,

You`ve had your eye on my Bill
ever since you killed your boyfriend

with your Iethal genitals,

He was just helping me unzip my dress,

-We`re going,
-Well, honey, wait a minute, now,

Lethal what? What does that mean?

-Now Iisten to me,,,
-Piper,

AII I did was walk past her door,,,

I`m not gonna Iose
another husband to that hussie,

She stuck her head out and said,

-could I help her?
-We are Ieaving,

-Honey, Iisten to me,
-It was only my zipper,

Wait! Wait!

Gavin? Problem,

Fix this, Or you`II be selling Tinkle Pads
door to door,

A heart attack, I can`t believe it,

Who cares what you believe, you tramp?
No wonder they call you the British Open,

-Should have been her, she`s the oldest,
-By whose clock, prune face?

-Pot calling kettle?
-Ladies, It`s a sad day for all of us,

Beryl Mason has died,

Oh, my God, Our agent!

When she heard you walked off
the show, she had a heart attack,

Rose rushed her to the hospital and I
called you as soon as I heard the news,

By the time we got here,
she was in intensive care

-and she died in Wesley`s arms,
-Son,

But before she died,

she used every ounce of her strength
and she told us her Iast wish,

Yeah, Yeah, she raised herself up
on her elbow and clasped his hand,,,

-And then she said, I`II never forget this,
-Yeah,

She said, ``You tell those divas

``the show must go on,``

What does this do to my karma?

Just Iike a scene
from a Barbara Stanwyck movie,

Then we`re murderers,

-So what do you say?
-Well, Gavin, I`m in,

I`m in if she apologizes,

Who are we kidding? Let`s just do it,

Let`s not have any more death,

I`m sorry, Piper, I`m really sorry, Really,

-It`s okay,
-Do you mean it?

It`s okay,

Truce,

Truce,

-To Beryl,
-Most brilliant, wonderful,,,

-,,,ruthless,,,
-,,,boy crazy agent who ever Iived,

We`II see you in the next Iife, Beryl,

Unless I see you first,

-Thanks, Beryl,
-Wesley, you tricked us,

-I am so proud of you!
-You bad boy!

PIaces, people,
I`m sure this is all very touching, girls,

-but we`re Iive in two minutes,
-Yes,

-Break a Ieg, Iadies,
-Go, Go,

Cue 17 and two counts. Go.

-That`s my spot,
-Yep,

Performers on stage. Places, dancers.
We"re live in 30 seconds.

Role video playback.

The girls are back, boys

So stand aside

We"ve been on a trip and it"s been

One hell of a ride

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the special reunion of

Boy Crazy, The girls are back.

First you"re down
and then you"re high again

What a life

Right back to the top and down again

What a life

Your best friend steals away your lover

You meet somebody new

You wouldn"t have found
if he"d been around

You get trounced and then you win again

What a life

One big bounce then, boom
You"re in again

What a life

It"s all one big surprise

Doors are open
Then they"re shut

What a life

First you"re prime
And then you"re chuck again

What a life

Nice things sag and need a tuck again

What a life

You watch your favorite dream go under

Next day you start again

And watch your balloon
Over the moon

One day you"re so mad at friends
You could tear their hair

Next day thirty years have passed and you

Just don"t care

In time we all get wise

If they treat you like a nut
You just keep on kicking butt

You are out then you"re back strutting it

What a life

Time goes by and still you"re cutting it

What a life

Just play it as it lies

It can kick you in the gut

It can trap you in a rut

-It is...
-Crazy

-Wacky
-Loony

Tacky

But what a life

What a life

What a life

What a fabulous life

Yes!

Yeah!

We"re out to commercial.
We"re back live in three minutes.

-Yeah, come on, come on, Beryl,
-Come, come, come,

Come on,

Get off your asses for these old broads!