Original subtitles

♪ La, la

♪ La, la

Narrator: Then again, after humans discovered

that prayer actually works...

Pardon me, sir.

Have you accepted the Lord into your heart?

Yeah, matter of fact, I have.

Pray me a hoagie. Make it snappy.

I’m starving ‐‐ a number seven with pimento!

All right. All right.

Everyone cursed with belief in their creator

was finally useful.

♪ La, la

[ Crunch ]

Yeah, pray fly me home. Heh.

Come on.

Citizens grew used to having all they desired ‐‐

a number eight with cheese...

[ Crunch ]

...number four, hold the bun.

[ Crunch ]

They began to yearn for the one thing

that had eluded them ‐‐

spiritual faith, number 19 with a side of hot soup.

[ Angelic singing ]

The second someone got God, they were prayer‐jacked.

Madness reigned.

[ Engines whirring ]

There was only one way to make things right.

Everyone agreed to drop all faith

and forever believe nothing on the count of three.

One, two...

♪

[ Laughing ]

So Hank Alto experienced a medical issue

each time he tried to pray.

Ah!

Hmm, those little fellas want out.

[ Clicking tongue ]

[ Arms stretching ]

Who’s sick of him?

You’re sick of him, huh?

At that moment, Hank realized all he ever wanted in life

was his hands back so he could pray for his hands back

[ Hands snarl ]

...because without prayer,

you have to work for your goals,

and the hardest part of improving yourself

is deciding which purchase will make you worthy of love.

[ Engine revving ]

Ah, this is a nice model. Shall I ring it up?

Let me get your wallet.

Well, I’d like to try it first, s‐‐see how it looks.

No, no, no, no, no.

That’s considered tacky behavior.

Are you a tacky boy?

But, um, how can I know if I like it?

Because you trust me implicitly, baby.

Don’t we got a good thing going?

I’d like to speak with a manager.

Hold on. Shut your dirty mouth.

I’m getting a text.

Ah, I just made manager!

[ Horn blaring ]

Up top!

Okay, then I... C‐‐can I talk to the owner?

Hold on. Shh, quiet, quiet, let me...

Yo, I just bought this place.

[ Horn blaring ]

Up tip, yo!

I’m not purchasing this TV until I see how it plays!

Fine. [ Scoffs ]

Golly.

Young girl: Help me!

I can’t see!

Where am I?

Did I die?

See? It looks great, right?

Shall we ring you up, tacky boy?

What’s that noise?

That’s me yelling about ringing you up.

No, the voice, it sounded like...

[ Screaming ]

Look, I’m not supposed to do this.

I’m going to be honest with you.

Why do you want a TV?

Just to watch stuff, to relax.

[ Whispering ]

I can’t really be dead.

This is all in my head.

Is it not relaxing?

It’s the newest high‐tech feature.

You’re trying to sell me a TV

with a spirit of a dead little girl trapped inside it!

Yes! That’s the feature.

Do you not recognize her?

Who is she?

It’s you, the part of you that died

the day you learned the truth.

What truth?

Her name is Gretchen. It’s on all the latest models.

Pretty neat what they can do these days.

Go on. Ask her for something.

No.

She died so you could have luxury,

and you won’t even give her a chance?

What do ‐‐ What do I ask?

W‐‐what does she do?

Anything people want from a TV.

Okay.

Gretchen, make me feel better about my life.

I’m stuck in here filled with fear.

Huh, that does make me feel better.

I’ll take it. Great!

[ Horn blaring ]

I’ll just go ahead and sign you up

for the BGGBBR program at 300 smacks a month.

Wait, what’s that?

Gretchen is designed to creep with such precision,

hidden messages pop.

I died for you.

It’s all I do. I died.

The Blind Girl Goose Bumps Braille

Reading System will decrypt them.

[ Whispering ] I died. It’s all I do.

She died for me.

This much is true.

So ring me up with the extended

service protection plan, too.

I was never a gadget guy, but this is pretty neat.

I’m scared as hell.

Wh‐‐ What does that part say?

[ Gasps ]

It wants that I’m to kill you

for what you’ve done to poor Gretchen!

Wh‐‐ What did I do?

It says, "You know, that you must pay in pain."

And how did you want to pay for that?

No! Those bumps are a liar!

Narrator: When you push your fear away,

it will emerge from somewhere else stronger, angrier,

strangle‐y‐er.

[ Stretching ]

We got us a bubble pop.

It got away.

And we’re off. [ Crying ]

[ Screaming ]

How do we stop it?

With the fear itself.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Tech rep will work out the kinks for you.

Narrator: After all fear escaped his body,

Hank’s confidence broke out.

I love myself as I am!

[ Stretching ]

Aaaaaaah!

[ Panting ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ Smack! ]

Yep, these are all Twin Towers.

How did this happen?

You must have got pretty arrogant lately.

They call them cocky pox.

Can you pop them?

Oh, absolutely not.

They’re fully functional places of work.

Got a robust little economy going, see?

Oop, we got a jumper.

Don’t do it, you little cutie! [ Chuckles ]

Best way to cheer them up is jumper mint.

[ Squeaking ]

He’s scratching me!

Get rid of them!

Hmm, well, I can prescribe you something

to take them down a peg.

[ Engines whirring ]

[ Explosions ]

Hey, wow, I feel like 100 bucks!

Narrator: After a health scare,

we are reminded what’s important ‐‐

[Echoing] shopping.

[ Coins clatter ]

Paper or plastic?

Uh, paper, please.

[ All gasp ]

You scum.

You don’t care about trees.

You murder trees.

No, no, sorry, yeah, no, I’ll go with plastic.

[ All gasp ]

[ Cricket chirping ]

Add more plastic to the landfill?

[ Squeak ]

Why don’t you just strangle a dolphin, too, sicko.

My planet is gasping her death because of you.

[ Squeaks ]

Oh, right, I’ll just hold everything in my arm worms.

[ Blows air through teeth ]

And waste the energy that you could have used

to help poor people.

Okay, I’ll go do that.

♪ La, la

♪ La, la

♪ La, la

Pfft. Really?

[ Squeak ]

Just soup, nothing solid?

[ Squeak ] Pfft.

Oh‐ho‐ho, great, number sevens.

[ Squeak ]

Folks need spiritual nourishment

to fill their souls...

[ Squeak ]

...and a place to crash.

♪ La, la

Oh, blessings, that’s all you got,

no ascending to a glorious realm?

Pfft.

[ Groaning ]

[ Angelic singing ]

Pfft.

How do I even know you really transcended our material plane

and merged harmoniously with the cosmos?

Pfft, pfft.

[ Squeak ]

Pfft. Tss.

[ Squeak ]

Pfft. Tss. [ Squeak ]

Girl: The force of Ike’s scratch made Ike’s face to turn red

as his fidgeting finger plunged deep in his head.

When your giggling digit grows a mind of its own,

who knows who controls the wriggles it gives.

Ike’s finger discovered and Ike then was shown

the path of his brain where righteousness lives.

Oh, yeah, I’m so right.

Oh, I’m so right!

Girl: Once the spurt of his rightness,

it gushed and unfurled,

he knew he must share his gift with the world.

How can I help you today, brother?

Oh, I’m so much better than you, oh, me so better.

Oh, me so better.

Oh, oh, brother! Oh, me so better!

Why? Ooh!

So though just a nub, he continued to rub.

He rubbed in the tub, and he rubbed in the pub.

He rubbed on the run, all over the place.

He rubbed just for fun in everyone’s face.

For the treasure God bakes and makes you a man,

his pleasure, he takes when he feels better than.

The worst knee to the groin of the heart

the world has seen was envious green as

Ike flicked his brain’s bean.

This morality test made them vow to do nice,

so they plugged up his gush and gave true sacrifice.

[ Squeak, stretching ]

[ Pop ]

Proud Ike could no longer make folks seem inferior.

They each plunged a pointer

through their own head’s interior.

The same goo that had once made folks feel so bad,

that goo became good.

Oh, the gush that was had.

This goo was the cure for their spirits’ diseases.

He lifted all hearts, out‐gooded all geez‐s.

Now in lieu of the doing of doing good things,

they’d feel just good feelings of good the goo brings.

The goo was pure goodness. It had to be.

They spread good like angels, left good for free.

We stepped out for such truth.

What’s this nub thing, where, how?

He is the proof that it’s real.

Man: I’m rubbing mine now.

♪ There’s blood in the kitchen ♪

♪ There’s blood in the hall

♪ There’s blood in the parlor

♪ Where my lady did fall

♪ Long Lankin was hanged on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned in a fire close by ♪

P‐F‐R.