Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Ah, proms of the '80s.

Tons of taffeta, tuxes with tails,

top hats, and over-the-top hair.

With William Penn's big night just around the corner,

it was time to man up and see if Brea Bee would go with me.

Dude, now's your chance.

I can see that, Dave Kim.

I have eyes and extremely robust corrective lenses.

So, why aren't you going in?

Maybe because if she says no,

my heart will explode, and I'll die of shame!

Shame means nothing to you.

Remember that time you were wearing khakis

and you sat on that brownie?

You mean yesterday? Yes, I do.

I'm gonna go do the thing.

Brea and I had held hands, couple's skated,

shared off-campus lunches, and went for ice cream.

But she was the most popular girl in school,

and I never quite knew where I stood.

What I did know was I was about to ask her to prom.

Hey, Brea...

Let's go to prom. You're asking me?

Tables turned! Women can do it!

Working Girl. Melanie Griffith.

Sexy, but competent.

Let the River Run.

Is there a yes in there?

Yes! A thousand times yes!

[CHUCKLES] I'm so excited!

♪♪

And while the moments that followed

might not have happened exactly this way,

here's what it felt like.

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

Don't touch me, freak! With pleasure.

Give me your lunch, Goldnerd.

It's my mom's meatloaf on pumpernickel.

You're in for a treat.

♪ ...when you hit that high

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

Three, two... Basketball.

♪ Take me dancing tonight

That's my dad's ball. I'm not supposed to get trash on it!

♪ You take the gray skies out of my way

♪ Hoo, hoo

♪ You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day

♪ Turned a bright spark into a flame

Hey!

GIRL: Let's go, girls! Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ 'Cause you're my lady, I'm your fool

♪ It makes me crazy when you act so cruel

Who's the short-haired girl?

It's me! Go Quakers!

♪ We'll go dancing

♪ Everything will be all right

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo ♪

Hey! I don't even know who you are.

Read your arm!

Goldberg, stop dancing to your inner soundtrack!

Dance with me! This isn't infectious!

Get off me!

Oh!

[CHUCKLES] Mom!

What are you doing here?

After last week, you probably need

a new pair of rescue underwear for your locker.

That's the worst thing I've ever heard, but I don't care!

Jitterbug!

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Wha!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was May 13th, 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff were accomplishing

the mundane but necessary tasks of adulthood.

Dude, guess what I just bought.

Something excessive and frivolous,

like another indoor vertical tomato garden?

That sounds awesome, but no.

I got stamps!

For mailing stuff?

Wow. You're kind of an adult!

I'm all the way adult!

I don't know why people are always complaining about it. It's easy.

Well, I did my thing for the day,

so now it's sweatpants o'clock.

[TELEPHONE RINGS, ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

LINDA: Geoffrey, it's your mother.

Uhp, here comes the daily recap.

I went to the store, got some TP,

the kind your dad likes on his tushie.

Oh, and speaking of him, he had a minor massive heart attack

and we're at Abington Memorial.

Miss you. [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

My dad had a heart attack! Oh, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Stop saying "wow"! What do I do?

Uhhh...

Stop saying "er-uh"! I've got to get down there!

♪♪

Are you coming?

Do you need me to come? Yes!

Then I guess [EXHALES SHARPLY] that's what I'm doing.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, turns out when it came to a crisis,

Erica might not have been as adult as she thought.

Dad, thank God. Are you okay?

Part of my heart died because of a lack of blood flow.

Yeah. I'm a regular Bo Jackson.

Dad only uses sarcasm when he's vulnerable!

Oh, it's gonna be perfect and fine.

Mom's sugar-coating everything 'cause she's in denial!

It is nice to know that you have this all under control,

so I am just gonna scooch on out of here.

And... Oh. Okay.

That is a bathroom with a chair in the shower.

You can't leave now. I-I need you here.

In this room? With all the...beeping

and the tubes filled with fluid going into your dad?

And... Oh, God, that one seems to be going against traffic!

BARRY: I came as soon as I heard.

First question, who needs a hug?

There you go. Know you are loved.

Geoff, are you crying?

No! Yes! I am! I'm sorry!

Let it out. Tears are the words the heart can't say.

My heart quit a job it had for 67 years.

Lou, look at me. I'm getting the best care available for you.

The best.

I'm pre-med, so you know I mean business.

Your words are meaningless.

But your firm and encouraging tone sets me at ease.

Where's the doctor? As your advocate,

I'm gonna need more tests.

Many of them unnecessary, expensive, and invasive.

I don't know why, but I'm gonna get him.

Sit, Linda. You need your strength.

We all need your strength.

Barry, I am so glad you're here.

I feel a calmness washing over me.

Good. Let me be your human bubble bath.

I'll be right back and you can all soak in me.

The hell was that?

I guess your brother's a rock in these situations.

Well, people do go out of their way

to avoid him at the beach.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica proved she was no rock,

I was gonna use movies to help me have a rocking prom.

Okay, I got Footloose, Back to the Future,

and the John Hughes tour de force

Pretty in Pink.

In the real world, Molly Ringwald would never end up

with the handsome rich kid, Blane.

Then who? [SCOFFS] Duckie?

They deserve each other.

Him with his dumb hats and her with that crappy dress.

That dress is iconic! They named the movie after it!

It wasn't even flattering.

Too much frill and those puffy arms.

Not for Dave Kim.

Thank God the fashion house of Dave Kim has weighed in.

I know two things. Fashion and women.

Brea will obviously be voted prom queen,

while you'll be left in the shadows,

literally, holding her tasteful, beaded clutch.

That's nonsense, Dave Kim.

Dave Kim speaks the truth.

Johnny Atkins? What are you doing here?

Returning and re-renting Moonstruck.

And you got big problems. Trust me. I was you.

Whoa! That's a guy who could work at a deli without a hairnet.

It was my first junior year.

And I scored a date with the prettiest, coolest chick in school.

Good for you. Bad for me.

The night started off magical,

but then she was crowned queen

and left in the king's white limo to the airport Radisson.

Oh, no, Dave Kim's scenario has merit!

After that prom, I stopped studying, got into prog rock,

and never cut my hair again.

That seems like an overreaction,

and your hair should be much longer, but wow!

I'm gonna need you more than ever tonight, Cher.

Show me how stereotypical Italians love!

Whatever! I like Brea and she likes me.

I'm not worried.

Mama, I'm worried.

Who put you in such a state of agitation?

I'll have them expelled or fired from school, depending on their age.

I'm going to prom with Brea.

That cute redhead? Oh.

Well, if it couldn't be me, I'm happy it's her.

But I'm worried once she's queen,

I'll be spending the night alone

as she's showered with rose petals

while riding across the gym on a white stallion.

I don't know how it works.

How it works is Mama is gonna make you prom king.

You can do that? I can do whatever I want.

Literally no rules apply to me.

ADULT ADAM: It was true. For my mom, making me prom king

meant nothing was off limits.

We legally change your name to "Prom King."

People will check it on the ballot 'cause they're dumb.

We have one of my bras sticking out of your backpack.

I'm thinking my black lacy one,

but you pick your favorite.

We use a cool new student, Don Steele,

to split the popular vote.

Don Steele's secret?

He's me.

Those are technically options and also some crimes.

Could you guys be quiet?

I'm trying to watch M.A.S.H.

They say it's a comedy, so I-I guess it is.

Murray, your child is in crisis.

What are you talking about?

He's going with the most popular girl in school.

Therefore, he's popular.

It does? Yeah. Kids are morons.

They see you with that girl,

then they think you're special,

and before you know it,

you're elected captain of the dance.

It's not that easy, Murray.

But Dad's saying it is, which fits with my agenda.

By tomorrow, I'll be sitting on that prom court!

Well, for your sake, I hope so.

But if not, you've got your pick of your mom's bras.

Ugh. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, you're a lucky boy.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad was being unusually supportive of me,

Erica's attempts to be supportive of Geoff were unusual.

Who says I don't take care of my people, huh?

Geoff, for you, it's PayDay!

What are you talking about?

It's like a chocolate bar

but without any chocolate.Oh, good.

Now I can wish for chocolate and more years with my dad.

There you go. And Linda, you scored a Skor bar.

Different spelling.

I'm the best.

Please, just let me sit here with my thoughts.

De-nied!

Who's ready for my famous homemade chicken noodle soup?

Famous? The only thing you're famous for

is fighting one of those animatronic bears at ShowBiz Pizza.

And my soup.

This smells so delicious.

It has a secret ingredient... Love.

And beans and beef stock.

Technically, it's a chili.

Hi, Schwartz family.

Just stopping by to say Lou is out of surgery and everything went great.

Oh, thank God. He's still recovering,

but you can see him soon.BARRY: Not so fast.

I'm Mr. Future Dr. Barry Goldberg.

I'd like to know more about the procedure.

I'm not sure we need the gory specifics.

It's important we know exactly what Lou has been through

so I can tailor my support strategy

to his unique path to recovery.

Barry's right. We should know.

I-If you want to step out or something, it's okay.

I'm here. [CHUCKLES]

I can't tell you how many times I've looked at Lou

and wondered what goes on in there.DR. MITTLEMAN: Okay.

First, I made an eight-inch incision through the chest.

[GAGS]

You sure you wanna stay?I'm lovin' it.

Then I used a bone saw to crack open the sternum.

Ohh.

For those of you keeping track, Lou is open.

Then I used a tool called a rib spreader.

[GAGS]

Oh, I'm never gonna eat at Tony Roma's again.

So, by this point, I am wrist-deep in chest cavity...

I'm down.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica couldn't handle the doctor,

it was time to see if I had a shot at becoming prom king.

ADAM: Oh, no!

You really thought you had a chance, bro?

My dad lazily implied that Brea's popularity would rub off on me.

It did not.

This is okay. I'm still going with Brea,

and we're gonna have a great time.

To paraphrase Cher's character in Moonstruck...

[BAD ITALIAN ACCENT] Snap out of it!

There's my handsome prom date.

You ready for lunch? Big time!

As Brea took my hand, I realized I had nothing to worry about.

Of course we were equals!

And all our peers would see it the same way.

Hey, Brea! You got prom queen locked up!

And me locked down!

No one's talking to you, freshman.

Junior! Nah. That's not right.

I think I know what grade I'm in, thank you.

Turns out, maybe I did have something to worry about.

Hey, Brea, let's talk about the prom after-party

when you're done giving this new student a tour.

Walls, I go here!

We shared a motel room on that school trip to the state capital!

Damn. That you, Night Light?

Yes, and moving on!

Hey, prom queen! You wanna roll with me?

I got a couple of dates, but, uh, I'll ditch them.

That's really sweet. But I'm going with Adam Goldberg.

Mm. Doesn't ring a bell. It's me!

This is kind of a private conversation, bro.

We're holding hands!

And you're squeezing really hard.

Let go of her, dude. You don't even know her.

See you at the prom, Brea.

Yep, I had to do something.

Mama, make me king!

Done!

She didn't even take off her apron

and there's still a pan on the stove!

She takes care of her kids.

But history has proven when you involve your mom, it ends badly!

Haven't you learned that by now?

You would think, but I'm gonna be king!

Ah.

Erica was determined to support Geoff in his time of need.

Unfortunately, she needed Barry.

Shouldn't you be giving Geoff's mom another foot rub?

Which, by the way, was the most upsetting thing I saw at that hospital.

I needed a lot of lotion.

It's been a dry winter for Linda.

Oh, my God. Are those Geoff's BVDs?

You may not be aware 'cause you're off on Erica Island,

but there's news from the mainland

that Geoff's dad has a heart issue.

I know!

I also know that I suck as a caregiver.

But what makes me the most crazy

is that you're good at it. How?

I have full access to my explosive emotions at any time.

I've seen you fight animals, birds. All God's creatures.

My space is my space.

But, on the upside, I can also feel deeply for others

in a time of great need.

I can't believe I'm asking you this,

but can you teach me?

Erica, the answer to your troubles is TEEF.

Are you trying to say the word "teeth"?

TEEF.

Stands for Tone, Eye contact, Empathy, and Food.

You do know the word "feet" is right there for ya.

Let's jump in with both TEEF.

First, tone.

Observe.

Pops, I have some very upsetting news.

We're out of cream cheese.

Oh, no. I had a hankering,

but the way you said it made it all okay.

I'll just use butter and jam.

Now the second E... Empathy.

What happened to the first E?

There's an order to this.

Pops, I once ran out of cream cheese, too.

I empathize.

Wow, I'm not so alone on this journey.

Can you go faster?

That brings me to the first E...

Eye contact.

Pops, let my eyes tell you

I'm here for you

during this difficult cream cheese time.

Your big, wet peepers are incredibly intense

and off-putting,

but then it kinda settles.

And next is food.

I'm talking about nourishment for the body and soul.

Cream cheese? You did it, Barry!

You got me through this!

No, he didn't! He created a cream cheese crisis so he could solve it!

And yet I feel better.

Erica, you should get in on this TEEF thing.

I got nothing less insane.

I'm gonna go find Geoff.

And, uh, give him these for me.

Whoa. How did you get his T-shirts so soft?

Same way I get my hair so soft... Fabric softener.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry was saving the day,

my mom was coming to my rescue.

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

You were sitting in here when I walked in,

so that was no notice at all.

And then I when I asked you to leave, you said,

"I'm not your hair."

Now down to business. Adam needs to be prom king.

Ha! The voting's already done. He got zero!

He didn't even vote for himself!

Then just lose the prom court.

Do the popular kids really need to be crowned?

I mean, what kind of message does that send to the others?

Suck less? Be beautiful on the outside.

And isn't it your duty to protect those kids?

My only duty is to my cats and the Freemasons.

And crowning the prom king and queen is tradition.

A tradition of unfairness.

I bet your proms weren't so great.

I didn't even go to mine.

The six girls I asked all said no

in various cruel and elaborate ways.

It was like a game for them.

I went to my prom, and it was a lovely time.

We drank punch, we danced,

and then we went back to our dormitories at our all-boys school.

See? Life is unfair.

The prom shouldn't make it worse.

That makes sense.

This is a Quaker school.

We shouldn't endorse any tradition

that makes the uggos feel bad.

So you'll do away with the prom court?

I'm killin' the prom altogether.

[BLEEP] you say? You're right.

Prom... Bad.

No prom... Good. No, no, no.

You play with fire, you get Woodburned!

Technically, she just got Balled.

Look out, world, Dale and Earl are swingin' back!

ADULT ADAM: My mom had overcorrected.

Her only hope was I wouldn't be too upset.

You got my [BLEEP] prom cancelled?

It's not a complete loss.

They did replace it with...

"The Egalitarian Quaker Gathering of Friends"?

What the hell even is that?

It is exactly like a prom,

except there's no dates or music,

and it's in the late afternoon.

That's a school assembly!

Like when McGruff the Crime Dog came to talk about safety,

but wouldn't stop frisking me.

But now you and Brea are equals.

And isn't that the happy takeaway here?

Screw this noise, I'm walkin' home.No!

I'll get you two proms!

You've done enough. I'm gonna handle this myself.

As I tried to undo my mom's damage,

Erica set out to do right by Geoff.

Thanks, hon. I needed a break from the hospital.

There was a baby in the maternity ward

that had a full head of black hair.

Like a tiny anchorman. It was very unsettling.

Life's a rainbow of possibilities. Now let's do this thing.

Starting with food!

Boom! Comfort hoagie flying in!

[MUFFLED GRUNT] Whoa!

That was way more corned beef than I was ready for!

And pickle spears, slaw, and sauerkraut.

I got you!

You know what'd be nice after I choke down all this cabbage...

Just a quiet moment where I don't really have to think and...

What are you doing now? Making soothing eye contact.

But you're laser-ing through my soul! It hurts!

Good, you're raw and ready. Here comes some empathy.

I thought we were just gonna sit on this blanket.

[DEEPER VOICE] It's all going to be okay, Geoffrey.

What is that voice?

[NORMAL VOICE] It's an unwavering and understanding tone.

It conveys safety.

It conveys Darth Vader.

Damn it, I'm sorry. I just was trying to comfort you.

Clearly I don't know what I'm doing,

so if you need someone, just call Barry.

I-I would. But he's with my mom.

He promised her a Barry day.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica's plan to comfort Geoff fell short,

I had come too far to let anything get in the way of my prom.

Ball, we need to talk!

No need to thank me.

Canceling prom is my gift to you

and...all those like you.

It's a dork present. For you!

Thanks for the translation.

But I actually have a prom date.

Let me guess... She's a camp friend no one has ever seen?

I did the work for you, buddy.

Relax.

But I'm going to prom with Brea Bee!

And Lynda Carter and I are going camping

in the Delaware Water Gap. No!

Brea and I are dating, and this prom was the thing

that was gonna cement us as a couple.

If I had taken someone like Brea Bee to my prom,

I would've been unstoppable.

Or at least not travel with a coupon folder.

And I could've been President of these United States.

Sure, Reagan takes California,

but the rest of those dominoes fall Ball's way.

And now I have a chance not to end up like either of you.

Isn't that worth fighting for?

I'd made my case.

Yeah, it was a long shot, but this would be a win for geeks everywhere.

Attention, students, prom is back on.

You can just do that? I'm principal. I have unchecked power.

Attention, students, prom is off again.

Just kidding. It's on.

It's a rollercoaster, but I'll take it.

Brea, did you hear? About prom?

Yeah, those announcements were super weird.Yeah.

But I got it un-cancelled. So now it's all good.

Is it?

'Cause there's this rumor that you were the one

that got it cancelled in the first place.

Fff... No.

It was my mom.

She went rogue.

At my request.

At your request?

I was a little worried that you were gonna become prom queen.

Wh... A-And you'd have a problem with that?

No.

But sure.

I mean, there's always a chance

you were gonna get whisked away by the king

and then pulled into his Doctor Detroit-style limo

with a hot tub in the back, right?

That's what you think is gonna happen?

I'm not sure about the hot tub.

That might not even be street legal.

I mean, the weight of the water alone.

If that's what you really think of me,

then I don't even want to go to prom with you.

♪♪

♪ Jitterbug ♪

ADULT ADAM: Since I wasn't going to my real prom,

I sought comfort in some prom-themed entertainment.

Why are there a bunch of people on my screen

and none of them are Cagney and Lacey?

Because it's Pretty in Pink.

There's a crime. Look at that kid's dumb hair.

ADAM: That's Duckie.

He doesn't end up with the girl, either.

So, why doesn't Dookie fight for the girl?

Because she clearly wants to be with Blane.

So, you want to be like Blaze,

but you're more like Duffy?

It's Blane and Duckie. But yeah.

I think you're more like that one

with the Ronald McDonald hair.

You mean Molly Ringwald? Melanie Grizwald.

Molly. Ringwald.

I don't hear a difference.You should.

Yeah, well... She just shows up

and everything worked out, just like it can for you.

I don't know, prom already started.

Didn't stop Mopsy Rainbird.

Dad, I appreciate it,

but life doesn't work out like in the movies.

Usually not.

But every once in a while, you get a movie moment.

And whether you do something with it...

Well, that's up to you.

Thanks, Dad.

Ah.

Sure, the names were crazy off,

but my dad's advice was spot-on.

Every now and then, the guy knew what he was doing.

Did you say all that just so you could watch Cagney & Lacey?

I can have more than one motivation.

You're a good dad.

And a good husband.

Sometimes we're in this together.

ADULT ADAM: And for my mom and dad,

doing things together did the trick.

As for me, I was on my own,

but thanks to my parents, I knew what I had to do.

♪ Please don't take my heart away

♪ Promise me just one more night

Brea, we need to talk.

About how you thought I was gonna ditch you the first chance I got?

I asked you, remember?

I know.

I'm an idiot.

And also, holy crap, you look amazing.

It's not gonna be that easy.

I also know I got caught up in all the wrong things.

It's not about how popular you are.

All that matters is that I'm with you.

That's in the right direction.

And I don't care about what other people think of me.

What's important is what you think of me.

The girl of my dreams.

I'm starting to remember why I asked you.

This time, I'm asking you.

Brea Bee, will you please be my prom date?

Yes, a million times yes.

♪ I touch you once

ADULT ADAM: And with that, my prom was saved.

It just took trusting my gut and being honest.

Turns out, that's all you got to do

for the ones you care about.

Damn it!

Need some help?

I was trying to make these cookies for you, but...

Why am I so awful at this?

You're not. I really am.

Geoff, look at us. We're playing house.

We live together,

but the first time a real adult thing comes up, I can't help you.

No one can. Something terrible happened.

And the hospital's horrible. It makes everyone uncomfortable.

Not Barry.

It's well established that Barry's not like other people.

And I don't need you to be Barry.

I don't need you to say or do anything.

I just need you to be there.

Just be there? That's it?

That's it.

That's enough to make me feel better.

I can do that.

ADULT ADAM: It's easy to get in our own heads,

but then you remember that the best thing you can do for the people you love

is just show up.

The thing is, life isn't about

who we think we're supposed to be

or how we're supposed to act.

It's about allowing the people we love to bring out the best in us.

It's late. I'm not going anywhere.

From life's toughest moments...

...to the sweetest ones...

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ If you leave

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

ADULT ADAM: ...life can be pretty in any color.

Yep, as time goes by, the details get fuzzy,

but one thing's never been clearer...

It was 1980-something, and it was awesome.

♪♪

Welcome to the prom.

[BELL DINGS]

No! The Flyers lost! You suck, Ron Hextall!

It's okay, Big Tasty. It's just a game.

Barry's trying to TEEF himself.

No way. It can't be done.

Look at me. Wow. He's really lockin' eyes with himself.

We've been there before, but this too shall pass.

He really feels for himself.

Yeah, but he needs food to finish the job,

and we're out of popcorn.

It's all kernels!

Ugh! Ugh!

I hate you, Flyers!

And...he's learned nothing.