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1
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,800
Where's the weed shed?
2
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,160
Underground.
3
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,280
Show me.
4
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,320
And you've been living down here,
have you? Since you died.
5
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,160
Mr McCann.Ssh-ssh.
6
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,320
Have a seat.
7
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,480
You're wondering what I'm gonna do
to you, right? Yeah.
8
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,800
That thought had flipped through my
mind.
9
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,640
I see you in me, Vinnie.
10
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,040
In what way? No, Christ. Not that
way, no.
11
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,720
What I mean is...
12
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,360
...I see some of you inside me.
13
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,400
Mm... Fucking hell.
14
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,520
I started out with nothing.
15
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,360
Scrapped my way up through guile,
cunning.
16
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,200
And I respect people who do the
same.
17
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,240
So if you can do all this...
18
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,240
...and fake your own funeral,
19
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,400
you're a man I can use.
20
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,600
So, this is my proposition.
21
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,360
I'll pay the cash and all this.
Doubles, trebles, quadruples.
22
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,320
You'll need more space. You run it,
but I own it.
23
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,360
OUR weed empire.
24
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,280
And if I should ever need a thief
25
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:49,960
or something that requires your
unique skills,
26
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,400
I will call and you will assist.
27
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,680
Do we have ourselves a deal?
28
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:00,120
C... can I stop worrying you're going
to cut my dick off?
29
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,200
Consider it safe in my hands.
30
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,280
But nobody fucks with me twice,
Vinnie.
31
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,640
Deal? Yeah, deal.
32
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,360
Get yourself cleaned up. You can't
work for me looking like shit.
33
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,280
I think this calls for a drink.
34
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,400
Oh, er, no, that's er...
35
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,160
It's piss. Mm.
36
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,200
Where are you shitting?
37
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,360
# That's what I want
38
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,000
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
39
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,920
# That's what I wa-a-ant
# That's what I want #
40
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,560
Hey-hey!
41
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,600
Hey, Vin, are you all right? Hey!
42
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,640
Hey, Vinnie! You all right?
43
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,400
# I'm alive!
44
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,480
# And I'm seeing things mighty
clear today
45
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,520
# I'm alive
46
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,880
# I'm alive
47
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,640
# And I'm sitting here yelling
and doing my thing
48
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,680
# I'm alive
49
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,040
# And I'm real
50
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,760
# I can breathe and touch
and see and feel
51
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,400
# I'm alive
52
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,440
# Yeah, hear me, all
53
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,120
# I'm a man
54
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,000
# Who don't care if my hair's
a bit long
55
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,720
# I'm a man
56
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,240
# Na na # Na na
57
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,560
# Na na # Na na
58
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,760
# Na na # Na Na
59
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,800
# Na na # Na na
60
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,480
# Baby, baby
61
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,760
# Baby, baby
62
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,560
# Yeah, yeah
63
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,600
# I'm a man
64
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,680
# And I'm red and I'm yellow
I'm black and I'm tan
65
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,720
# I'm a man
66
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,200
# I'm alive
67
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,560
# Sitting here yelling
and doing my thing
68
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,320
# I'm alive... #
69
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,000
Voila. Voila?
70
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,520
It's a closed metal shutter.
Yeah, fuck me.
71
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,960
It is now, but not when it's full of
exotic plantation, Dyldo.
72
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,640
Unit 51. That's where the Americans
keep their extraterrestrial aliens.
73
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,440
That's Area 51.It's highly
classified. They reverse engineer
crashed alien spaceships,
74
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,480
study the occupants and make their
own aircrafts based on the
technology.
75
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,840
Right. Well, in here we're gonna be
growing weed. Industrial scale.
76
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,560
Where'd you get it? Chinese Dan.
77
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,960
That slippery fuck. I know he's a
slippery fuck,
78
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,400
but he's a slippery fuck offering us
a deal on a unit, no questions asked.
79
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,440
The best part is next door's a
storage place for curry flavourings,
80
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,640
bloody herbs, powders and shit like
that.
81
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:17,280
With a bit of clever drilling,
ventilation, it's gonna mask the
smell of the ganja.
82
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,560
There's only one problem.
83
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,120
He's made you look quite silly
there.Mm-hm.
84
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,600
Carrot Top Dolls.
85
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,080
Weren't they popular 30 years ago?
The originals were.No.
86
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,960
They've had a resurgence, actually...
Press that.
87
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,640
...in China.Right. And Chinese Dan,
being so fucking Chinese,
88
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,520
he seized upon this. What are we
supposed to do with them?
89
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,320
I bought 'em as part of the deal on
the unit. Fuck's sake! Fucking hell.
90
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:02,200
Dolls are dolls. Kids loved 'em in
the '80s. Couldn't make 'em fast
enough.
91
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,800
We should buy a thousand fucking VHS
machines while we're at it.
92
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,560
Yeah, and some Tamagotchi's,
basically.
93
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:13,560
Ha ha ha! Shut up!
We're gonna need grow lights,
irrigation and extractor fans.
94
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:18,080
We can nick all that shit. But can we
make it work for an industrial grow,
Dyl?
95
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,640
Right.
96
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,000
It's gonna need a false ceiling
erecting.
97
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,440
It's gonna need marking out into
grow lanes.
98
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,480
Properly measured, no winging it.
99
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,960
We need to seal that entrance, use
the side door.
100
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,920
Can't expose the plants every time
we come and go, but...
101
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,200
otherwise... it could work.
102
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,720
Yeah. Oh, shit. It's
McCann. Here you are.
103
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,840
Mr McCann. Hello, Vin, where are you?
104
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,320
You won't believe it, but I'm
standing inside
105
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:47,160
what is soon to become our industrial
grow here. Excellent, excellent.
106
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,920
You have twin girls, don't you? Do
they like dolls?
107
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,160
Dolls? Yeah, I got a couple going
spare.
108
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,200
I'll drop 'em off for you next time I
see you. Did you want me?
109
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,080
I did, yeah. My boys are tied up, so
I need you to collect something for
me.
110
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,360
Yeah, yeah, no worries. What is it?
His name's Tony Tillerton.
111
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,280
That's a person.
I'm gonna text you two addresses.
112
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,560
One's his, one's where I want him
bringing.
113
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,720
You might wanna take a friend with
you. He's a conniving toerag.
114
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,800
Yeah, understood, yeah. And Vin?
Yeah?
115
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,320
Get the fucker back safe, yeah?
Listen...
116
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,880
Er... No, he's gone.
117
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:23,480
Right, who fancies a nice day out?
118
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,320
# Can you tie them in a knot?
119
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,360
# Can you tie them in a bow?
120
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,480
# Can you throw them over your
shoulder like a regimental soldier?
121
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,200
# Do your ears hang low? #Yo.
Tommo, where are you?
122
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,000
Halfway down the country on our way
to France. France?
123
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,920
France, yes. Booze cruise for the
Rat and Cutter. Jesus Christ, his
memory. We told you.
124
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,720
It's the fucking new pills, I can't
remember a sodding thing.
125
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,960
Cardi says hello. Carol's given him
the full Vinnie makeover.
126
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,280
Right. How's he look? Er...
an absolute plum.
127
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,320
The whole family's here. I've got
Carol, Erin, Tyler
128
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:58,400
and, for maximum effect, Carol's
gran Alma. Say hello, Alma.
129
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320
Hello. You all right, Alma, love?
130
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,360
Yes, thanks.
131
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,360
Is that the darkie? Gran!
132
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,320
Oh, Vinnie. The mental one.
That's the one, Alma.
133
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,240
I've gotta go. Bring me back some
cheese, will you? Will do.
134
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,000
Cheese, Es and as much booze as you
can fit in an Skystrider Crusader.
135
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,360
What are Es? Nothing you need to
worry about.
136
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,640
CARDI: They're sweeties for
grown-ups.
137
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,280
Thanks, Cardi. Helpful!
138
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,600
Au revoir, Vin. Au revoir, bon
voyage.
139
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,000
Deja vu. Fucking French stuff.
140
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,960
Oi. Stop fucking about with them
dolls.
141
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:35,640
He's done something wrong. You don't
send people to collect people unless
they don't wanna come.
142
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,760
Maybe he doesn't drive, Dyl. Fucking
tell him to get the train.
143
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,200
What if there's not a train line
where he bloody lives. A fucking bus.
144
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:46,440
Look, I don't know! He's asked us to
collect him so I have to fucking...
145
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,480
What's going on down there?
146
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,680
I think I've got an infestation.
An infestation?
147
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,800
Who've you been shagging? Met this
fella online. Randolf.
148
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,760
He was kind of dirty. What dirty or,
like, dirty dirty?
149
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,760
No, not dirty dirty, just like...
actually dirty.
150
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,680
Lovely. What website are you using?
Shagaskank.com.
151
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,760
The sex was amazing, destroyed him.
Lovely little arsehole.
152
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,480
But ever since I've got fierce itchy
pubes now. Have yous any advice?
153
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,760
I do, actually, yeah. Don't have sex
with dirty men called Randolf.
154
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:19,000
You'll need to shave. I'm Googling
it, but I'm sure you've got genital
lice.
155
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,320
Fuck. What? Could be a yeast
infection. Or scabies. Crabs even.
156
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,960
Extra-mammary Paget's disease. Could
be. Cheers, lads.
157
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,680
Thanks for making me feel better!
Right, here we are.
158
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,200
Avondale. That's not a thing, is it?
159
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,480
I spy with my little eye... No!
160
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,360
No more "I spy".What can we play?
161
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,720
I've got a game, right? This is
brilliant.
162
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,760
We use to play this at school.
163
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,120
Everyone has to tell a secret.
164
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,600
Yeah! Yeah? All right. All right,
I'll go first.
165
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,320
When I'm alone in my house -There's
kids present.
166
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,360
Don't worry, it's clean.
167
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,800
I like to get comfortable, grab a
hairbrush
168
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:59,120
and pretend I'm in front of
thousands of adoring fans, belting
out power ballads.
169
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,920
# I wanna know what love is
170
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,000
# Ooh, oh yeah
171
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,080
# And I want you to show me
Oh, yeah... #
172
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,120
Why am I not surprised, eh?
173
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,600
Who's next? I'll go. Oh, God.
174
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,960
I'm genuinely nervous. I once stole
a child's breakfast from a cafe
175
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,600
when he went away to the bathroom.
Gran! Awful.
176
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,960
Why? He was a lardy little shit.
177
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,320
All right, your turn. Who me? Yeah.
178
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,800
Let me think. You must have hundreds.
179
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,080
Not really. Oh, come on, Carol
180
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,440
Shall I go again? No.Come on.
181
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,600
All right
182
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,280
Well... But it's not for young ears.
183
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,760
A fucking porno, Carol?
184
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,840
I thought this was supposed be a
laugh.
185
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,880
What, you're t-telling me you had
s-s-sex
186
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,440
in f-front of a camera and the whole
fucking world's seen it?
187
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,040
It wasn't Pulp Fiction though, was
it, Cardi? Huh?
188
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,560
And it was a long time ago. I've got
fucking pictures in my head.
189
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:02,280
Ah, you're overreacting. Sure, my
gran's not bothered. Oh, well, she...
190
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,880
I fucking am! You're a hypocrite,
Cardi.
191
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,640
You enjoy the porn but you're not
happy that your girlfriend's in one.
192
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,680
What was it called?
193
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,720
Eager Beavers.
194
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,760
Volume 22.
195
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,800
You're unbelievable. Fucking start
the car!
196
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,280
Fucking hell!
197
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,400
Christ. It's a thatched roof. Hardly
screams axe-wielding maniac, does it?
198
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,160
Hey, he's got peacocks.
199
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,840
Oh, my God, psychopaths like
animals.
200
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:40,360
Jeffrey Dahmer had cats. Yeah, and
he also impaled dogs' heads on
sticks.
201
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,400
Let's just keep our wits about us.
202
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,480
Any aggro, we jump him.
203
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,080
Hello, chaps!
204
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,640
Fresh scones,
straight from the oven.
205
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,680
Go lovely with a cup of tea.
206
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,200
Right, you know the drill. We're a
big happy family, off on our
jollies.
207
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,440
So, passports out, big smiles...
Passport?..and let's all pretend...
208
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,360
Yes, Alma. Yeah, passports.
209
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,680
Obviously. Cos we're going to a
foreign country.
210
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,320
I haven't got a passport. I haven't
been abroad since 19-
211
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,840
You fucking what?
212
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,880
Jesus fucking Christ!
213
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,960
Gran! What? No-one said.
CARDI: We're going to France.
214
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,480
Is this a Brexit thing? No, it's a
going-to-another-fucking-country
thing. Tommo!
215
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,880
I... I've got my pension book.
216
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,480
Yeah, you show 'em that, I'll show
'em my gym pass,
217
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,840
and he can show 'em his Costa
fucking coffee card!
218
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,840
She's getting out. You can't throw
her out.
219
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,480
We won't get through, will we,
without her passport?
220
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,480
I'm not turning round, Carol, cos
it's taken fucking hours.
221
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,320
We can't throw her out in the middle
of nowhere. It's not nowhere.
It's Folkestone.
222
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,960
There's hotels, a harbour, she'll
have a great time. You go too and
make a p-porno while you wait.
223
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,920
Grow up. There's a market for that.
Gummy BJs and that. What's a porno?
224
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,320
It's a grown-up film.
225
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,000
With sex. Tommo!
226
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,560
What? Was that or was that not
factually accurate? Let's just think
this through.
227
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,160
Why don't we explain what happened
and see if there's anything they can
do?
228
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,520
Like what? I don't know! I'm trying
to think of ways to make it work.
229
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,960
She could hide in the caravan. No,
sweetheart, she can't.Why not?
230
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,760
Yeah, actually. Why not?
231
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,480
No! No, no, Carol, think about it.
The lad's come up with a masterplan.
232
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,960
Hide me? Yes, love, in the bog.
233
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,000
I'm not hiding in the bathroom.
234
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,440
Under the b-bed then. No!
235
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,560
No, Carol. They'll look at us and
assume we're two couples.
236
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,240
They won't look for someone else.
Then why bring her along?
237
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,280
I'm beginning to wonder that myself.
238
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,520
It's the caravan or nothing.
239
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,320
Put these...
240
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,120
...over here and it turns out
241
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,560
there is absolutely... loads of room.
242
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,440
There you go. I'll never get in
there. You will, pull your knees up.
243
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:05,160
I'm not happy about this. It's a few
hours and then we're in France.
244
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,320
You know what? Pretend it's an
adventure. Pretend it's the war
245
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,680
and you're hiding from the Nazis.
But what if they search it?
246
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,960
Haven't they got infrared cameras?
They don't pick up old ladies,
247
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,040
your bones are too hollow. Come on.
We'll say you've got dementia
248
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,280
and climbed in when we weren't
looking.
249
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,280
Are you OK, Grammy? Give her a
pillow.
250
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,040
Yeah. Do you want some water, love,
and maybe a snack?
251
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,640
Ah, just put the bloody lid on.
252
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,880
Can I go in the other side? No, you
can't.
253
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,480
Grammy? What grammy?
254
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,320
Cunt.
255
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,640
So it all started as my cover story,
256
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,040
so that I could just get a few hours
here and there away from the wife.
257
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,960
You know, "Just going through to
play with the train set, dear."
258
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,360
And then I would just come in here,
through there,
259
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:05,040
and er... and do the er...
Terence work.
260
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,480
I had to spend a bit of time on the
train set in case she came in
261
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:13,280
and er, so I started ordering bits
and bobs...
262
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,760
Er... don't touch it. No, you've
derailed the diesel.
263
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,080
I'd ordered bits and bobs on the
interweb
264
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,720
and I really got into it.
265
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,680
When you see that train zooming
around the track
266
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,280
it can be quite therapeutic.
267
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,440
Excuse me. Erm, Mr Tillerton. Mm?
268
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,320
Can I try this out?
269
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,920
I've just always really wanted to
fire one of these.
270
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,440
They're essentially decorative, old
chum.
271
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,360
There's bullets.
272
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,600
Well, be my guest. But just make
sure you do it out the back.
273
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,080
You ever make them crash? I beg your
pardon? Do you ever make them...
274
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,240
sort of smash into each other?
275
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,800
Why would I do that? For fun.
"They're heading towards each
other."
276
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,840
Psshww! Smash. Casualties.
277
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,200
Carnage. "I've lost a leg! Oh!"
278
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,640
You know, "I got separated from the
group."
279
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,520
"Oh, my children, where have they
gone? Where are my children?"
280
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,120
No.
281
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,880
So your wife has no idea that you do
illegal tech fraud?
282
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,560
Oh, absolutely, blissfully unaware.
283
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,360
We have a wonderful retirement. God
knows where she thinks the money
comes from.
284
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,480
What the... Shit!..fuck?
285
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,120
Oh, well, fuck.
286
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,840
It was coming for me.
It's a peacock!
287
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,080
It was coming for me. Whoa, whoa,
put the fucking gun down.
288
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,120
This is Struan.
289
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,160
He's my favourite.
290
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,280
I'm really sorry. I'm
a fish-lover.
291
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,640
I hate hurting animals. They'll all
tell you.
292
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,800
I've had this bird in my bed.Oh.
293
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,840
I can't - Not like that, no.
294
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,240
Curled up like a dog. Still weird.
295
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,080
He was coming for me.
296
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,640
Stop saying that! All right, shall
we er...
297
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,600
Oh, Struan... shall we get going?
298
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,120
Come on, Tony.Struan.I know. Poor
Struan.
299
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,080
Come on. I'll never see his like
again. I know, I know.
300
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,640
Come on. Oh, Struan. Come and have a
cup of tea.
301
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,480
I know. It's a shame. Come on, you'll
see him again.
302
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,520
Who is that boy that shot him?
What's his name?
303
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,560
JJ. He didn't mean to do it.JJ.
304
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,640
Bellend. Oi! Get the fuck up here.
305
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:20,360
Yes, I'm just leaving a note for the
lady wife about er... Struan. Um...
306
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,200
Would you boys mind awfully if I had
a little tinkle before we go,
307
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,800
if it's a long drive. Yeah, all
right. No worries.
308
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,840
Thank you.
309
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,720
Go with him.
310
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,120
Go with him? Go with him. He might
be up to summat. Like what?
311
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,120
Well, I don't know. But Terence said
he were conniving.
312
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,080
Ah, here, he made scones, he's
hardly danger.
313
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,960
What is that there? Side of your head
just there?
314
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,080
Go with him.
315
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,400
Sorry there, I've gotta come in with
you.
316
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,200
Come in with me? Yeah. It's just...
317
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Just in case, like.
318
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,880
Right. If it's just a number one,
319
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,200
I'll just stand with my back to you,
so...
320
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,040
OK, right. Er... I've just got to
warn you
321
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,120
I've got shy bladder syndrome, so...
322
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,160
Right, yeah. Yeah, shy bladder.
Uh-huh.
323
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,680
I'm ever so sorry.
324
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,960
I can feel it in the pipe, just
can't coax it out.
325
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,200
No worries. Is there... Is there
anything I can do to help?
326
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,560
Like what? I dunno. Run some water
or whistle or something.
327
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,560
Well, if you like, yes.
328
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,600
Oh, no, no, no. Ooh, no.
No, that's... that's not helping.
329
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,040
It's gone right back up into the
bladder. I'll try the tap, so.
330
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,080
Oh, yeah, I think were on the w...
We're going...
331
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,600
Oh, no! It's gone
back up again.
332
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,000
For Christ's sake. What? VINNIE:
What are you doing? We're in t'van.
333
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,320
He's got shy bladder syndrome. Shy
bladder syndrome! That's not a thing.
334
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,960
Tell him we've gotta go. We've gotta
go. I'm bursting.
335
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,280
Why don't I just leave him to piss?
I'll stand the other side of the
door.Fine.
336
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,360
- Just gonna lock the door, thanks.
- OK.
337
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,840
Way I see it, right, life's all
about perception.
338
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:32,800
Two hours ago you didn't know your
girlfriend's chuff were out there
339
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,840
for every Tom, Dick and Harry to
wazz over
340
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,960
and you were happy in your
ignorance.
341
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,400
Yeah, but now I do. Right, so
pretend you don't.
342
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,560
How? Tell your brain it never
happened.
343
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,600
Tell your brain that...
344
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,160
...she didn't nosh a massive-cocked
guy with the cameras rolling
345
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,560
and there aren't thousands of people
who've wanked themselves into
oblivion -Tommo.
346
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,320
Y-you're not helping. Fine, torture
yourself.
347
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:01,440
But there is nothing you can do or
say that's gonna change things.
348
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,480
There is, actually. What's that?
349
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,400
I wanna see it. All right.
350
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,440
I wanna see the f-film. Yeah?
351
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,480
Think you're up to it, do you? Yeah.
352
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,040
You can handle what comes out of
that Pandora's box?
Whatever comes up.OK.
353
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,080
Your wish is my command.
354
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,440
Rub that lamp, see what comes out.
355
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,640
Thank you, genie.
356
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,680
I'll make some calls.
357
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,640
Bonjour.
358
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,880
I'm from Cornwall. In that case...
359
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,960
Thas it, my
lover, get on my cock!
360
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,000
Passports.
361
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,200
Have a good trip. Will do.
362
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,480
Just er... wish my dear old gran
could have been here.
363
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,240
Piece of piss. Why would
you do that? Why even mention her?
364
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,960
Having a bit of fun. Relax, we're
through. When can we let Grammy out?
365
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,760
France. What?!
366
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,920
There's CCTV everywhere. We'll get
across the sea, pull her out in
Calais.
367
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Hey... beer?
368
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,040
Back of the fucking net.
369
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:24,160
What are all these things doing in
here? We're doll connoisseurs.
370
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,720
My daughter had one of these.
371
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,960
I think she used to call her
Bernadette.
372
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,880
Yeah, I bloody hated it.
373
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,680
Do you know these things were going
for 500 quid a pop back in the '80S?
374
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,720
See what I mean, demand. Yeah, then.
375
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,280
Then.Demand.Are you all right,
sunshine?
376
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,760
I think it's a fungal infection.
377
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,720
You wanna have that checked out.
Friend of mine had that.
378
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,080
Turned out to be extra-mammary
Paget's disease. See?
379
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,200
What even is that?
Well, it's associated
380
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,280
with an underlying cancer.
381
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,400
Huh? Have you got any bleeding at
all?
382
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,320
Not that I've noticed.
383
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:05,720
Itchy scrotum? Or is it just the
pubes? Mainly just the pubes.
384
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,600
And any discharge? Oh, come on. Are
you a doctor?
385
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,680
Oh, no, no, but you don't get to my
age
386
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,440
without having your fair share of
health scares.
387
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,440
The main things to avoid are
stressful -
388
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,880
Fuck!
389
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,840
Out of the van! Out of the van!
390
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,640
Give me the keys!
391
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,040
Don't hit me. Be cool, man.
Will you shut up?!
392
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,920
Fuck! OK, let's go! Let's go!
393
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,960
You all right, Dyldo?
394
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,840
Ooh! You fuckers! Fucking keys, dude.
395
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,040
Motherfucker.
396
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,760
Fucker. Well, this is fuck, this,
lads.
397
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,840
Dude, they knew we were coming. They
must have.Course.
398
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,240
They got fucking tipped off. This
knobhead down here. What?
399
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,560
This is fucking you, this, Ash!
How me? Fucking shy bladder?
400
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:16,000
He couldn't piss. He was fucking
buying himself time, so he could bell
them wankers.
401
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,040
And now we've fucking lost him.
402
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:20,520
What am I gonna tell McCann?
I found them!
403
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,080
Thank God for that
404
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,440
Ah, fuck. They're in a cowpat.
405
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,120
Fish 'em out. What if I get mad cow
disease or something?
406
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,960
You fucking shot a peacock, dude.
407
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,440
Fish 'em out.
408
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,360
Ugh! Ugh!
409
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,760
Now then, they not gonna be expecting
us to chase,
410
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,920
so I reckon we should chase 'em.
They're fucking armed.
411
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,160
Do you wanna be the one who explains
to McCann
412
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,040
that we've lost a pigging pensioner?
413
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,400
No.Exactly.
414
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,440
Oh, bollocks.
415
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,520
Just get in the van.
416
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,600
This is wrecking my trainers, man.
There's no service out here.
417
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,800
I just put my hand in cow shit, so
shut up.
418
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,520
TOMMO: Bonjour et bienvenue en
France.
419
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,200
Mission accomplished.
CAROL: Get her out of there.
420
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,600
Jesus Christ, you're on
the wrong side of the road!
421
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,640
You fucking eejit.
422
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:36,360
She can get a plane home. I'm not
going through that again.
423
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,680
Hey. I've texted Fingers
McGuinness.
424
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,280
He's got a sex shop in Southport. If
anyone can find that movie, he can.
425
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,920
Legend.
426
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,760
Grammy, wakey, wakey,
rise and shine.
427
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,920
Grammy, we're through. It's all good.
428
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,160
You can get up now, come back and sit
in the car. Alma, love.
429
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,040
Alma. Shit.
430
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,680
Shit what? Er...
431
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,840
I'm not a doctor but er...
432
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,880
I would say with quite a degree of
certainly that er...
433
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,200
...she's dead.
434
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,000
What? No.
435
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,480
Grammy! Grammy!
436
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,480
Grammy, no-o-o-o-o-o!
437
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,800
No-o-o-o-o-o! Let's get you out of
here.
438
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,440
Has she died? Yeah, but she was very
old.
439
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,040
Come on.
440
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,600
Why did you... why did you put her in
there?
441
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,040
It weren't my idea. It were Tyler's.
442
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,080
I merely endorsed it.
443
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,360
Nobody's f-fault, Carol.
444
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,360
Correction, it's his fault.
445
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,480
Or yours. What, m-mine?
446
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,840
You stuffed her under there! Her an
old woman and her on the pills.
447
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,160
I mean, what happened to her?
Maybe...
448
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,360
maybe it were natural causes.
449
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,680
You stuffed her under the bed of a
caravan!
450
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,800
Which, in and of itself,
won't kill you.
451
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,840
What am I going to tell my grandad?
452
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600
They've been married for nearly 49
years.
453
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,200
Probably... cancel the golden
anniversary.
454
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,960
That's my fucking Grammy you're
talking about!
455
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,240
It wouldn't have happened if she'd
remembered her fucking passport.
456
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,800
I'm gonna fucking kill you. Carol,
Carol, ssh.
457
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,840
Carol! And she were a racist.
458
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,320
Can we go on holiday anyway with her
just dead?
459
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,360
Er...
460
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,400
No, no. No, darling.
461
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,840
Where are these fuckers? Probably
miles away.
462
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,600
Yeah, cos they're bloody
professionals. They had masks.
463
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,120
Masks don't make you professional,
JJ. They're 1.49 off eBay.
464
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,080
They went straight ahead and there's
not been any major turnoff,
465
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,720
so we just keep going and hope -
Fuck! Oh, shit.
466
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,920
That's them. See? Shy bladder.
Let's get 'em.
467
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,160
Fuck.
Motherfuckers have fucking seen us.
468
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,000
We only want to talk!
469
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,280
"We only wanna talk."
470
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,320
What? It might have bloody worked.
471
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,840
What the fuck are we gonna talk
about? The state of the economy?
472
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:02,000
For Jesus' sake. You're gonna lose
'em, Vin. Not gonna lose 'em.
473
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,360
Piece of shite can't keep up.
474
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,760
Not a good time, Cardi. It's about
your gran.
475
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,480
Did you not hear me say it's not a
good time? What about her?
476
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,520
S-she's kind of dead.
477
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,360
What do you mean dead? Dead, dead.
478
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,520
She's dead. And talking about
stiffs,
479
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,240
did you know your sister's done a
porno? Hold on.
480
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,000
I'll call you back, all right.
481
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,680
Oh, guys, this isn't good.
482
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:28,080
Don't ever mess with my peacocks,
you bunch of schmucks.
483
00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:30,600
He's shooting us. He's fucking
shooting us.
484
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:35,200
Armed and dangerous. Drop back. I'm
not gonna drop back. He's gonna kill
us.
485
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,000
I'm fucking commanding you, stop
chasing them. I'm gonna zigzag.
486
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,680
Zigzagging?! Fucking listen to
yourself! Can't hit a moving target.
487
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,840
Fuck you! Shit! I'm gonna fucking
die collecting an old man that can't
piss.
488
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,000
Will you pipe down, dude? No-one's
dying.
489
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:57,200
Just calm the... Oi, boys! Calm the
fuck down.
490
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,240
Get out of the fucking van.
491
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:04,000
Arh! Oh, Jesus, his fucking head's
come off. Brilliant!
492
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,200
Yeah, that's not good. Not good?
Didn't you see the fucking sign?
493
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:11,760
Misestimated. Yeah, you fucking
misestimated.
494
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,640
Now we've got a head rolling on the
floor. His eyes are open.
495
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,280
He's fucking looking at me. Stop him
looking at me.
496
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,640
What we gonna do? What the fuck do
you mean?
497
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,080
He's no good to us now.
No, funnily enough,
498
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:25,720
he's not much fucking use to us
either, you lemon.
499
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,400
Oi.Get the fucker.
500
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,200
Fuck, it's McCann. What do I do?
501
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,400
Don't answer it. Don't answer it!
Fucking genius, Dyldo.
502
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,840
What if he knows? How can he fucking
know?
503
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,520
Will you fucking calm down, Dylan?
Calm the fuck down.
504
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,200
You fucking calm down an' all. Shit!
505
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,960
All right.
506
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,280
Hello. Hello, Vin, how's it going?
507
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,720
Yeah, yeah. Good thanks, yeah.
Never been be better, actually.
508
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,120
You got Tillerton? Oh, yeah.
509
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,440
Looking at his... looking at his face
right now, actually.
510
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,240
You on your way back? Doesn't sound
like you're driving.
511
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,000
No, we er... we pulled over. He
needed a... He needed a piss.
512
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,960
Oh, yeah, he's got that shy bladder
thing, hasn't he?
513
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,120
No, he's not got that any more. We've
cured it, actually.
514
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,160
He's like a fucking racehorse.
Tony, come on, lad, will you?
515
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,640
Shall we see you later on? Yeah, the
address I sent. 5pm.
516
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,360
I'll be there with bells on. Oh, he's
fucking gone.
517
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:26,360
Why did you let 'em get away? Fucking
gone. Took his body. What are we
gonna do?
518
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,400
He's still looking at me, you know.
519
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,120
JJ, if you carry on, I'm gonna
fucking brain you, dude.
520
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,720
We have to move this head before
someone comes.No.
521
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:37,360
JJ? No fucking way
am I touching that.
522
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,360
Fuck. How are we gonna move a human
head?
523
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:45,200
Those Carrot Top dolls. Go on, Dyl,
bro, throw us one of them boxes.
524
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,760
Gotta be honest, man. I'm not sure I
can do this.
525
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,200
You and me, grab an ear each, it'll
be grand.
526
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,200
He looks a bit surprised. Course he
looks fucking surprised.
527
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,200
So would you if you had your head
ripped off your shoulders.
528
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:02,320
Ooh, fuck me. Smells of mackerel,
doesn't it? Yeah, that's the blood.
529
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:05,320
Or there's every chance he had
mackerel for his tea.
530
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:12,080
Oh, dude. Ugh! Whoa. Have you got
him? Yeah. Have you got him?
531
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,240
Fucking hell!
532
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:18,080
That was you, thatYou didn't stop it
rolling. Brilliant, dickhead.
533
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,280
You could have broken his nose. How
the fuck are you two doing?
534
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,560
Having a nice afternoon? Why take it?
What you gonna do with it?
535
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,880
What the fuck do you suggest I do?
Leave it here?
536
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:30,600
I think a severed head might raise a
few questions, don't you, Dyldo?
537
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,840
You grab that way. I'll grab this
way.Right.
538
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:40,840
Shit. Cyclist. Where?
539
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:42,880
Cyclist, coming fast.
540
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,880
Shut the door.Afternoon.You all
right, mate?
541
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,400
Fuck me.
542
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,840
We brought a woman into the country
illegally and now she's dead.
543
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,480
If we go to the police they'll ask
some seriously awkward questions.
544
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,320
Can't we just bury her at sea? Shut
up. Poor Grammy.
545
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,920
How I see it, right, we've got two
options.
546
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,760
No, three.
547
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,040
No, four.
548
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,080
Oh, for God's sake, Tommo!
All right.
549
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:21,440
Option A, we go to the fuzz, tell
them exactly what happened and let
the chips fall where they may.
550
00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,960
Do you speak the French? Oui.
Any more than oui?
551
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:25,560
Es-tu trempe.
552
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,600
What's that? It roughly translates to
"Are you moist?"
553
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,680
Well, that's gonna come in handy,
innit Right, B.
554
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:35,000
Option B. We arrange for a speedy
funeral. Dignified service,
555
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,360
bang her in the oven, on we go like
nothing ever happened. Oven?
556
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:43,080
Oven or grave. Oven's more
environmentally friendly. So you can
organise a swift funeral
557
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,320
in a foreign country that we can
afford
558
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,760
I can speak to Gary at Abracadaver,
see if he's got any French
connections.
559
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,720
Gay undertaker - there must be a
website or WhatsApp group.
560
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:56,240
C.Option C would be my favoured
option. Being?
561
00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,320
We get the booze, we get the gear,
mission accomplished. And then...
562
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,560
...we hide your granny somewhere
discreet.
563
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,200
Fucking hide her? Look, just think
about it.
564
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,720
We go back, get her passport, come
back here.
565
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,600
Then we reveal she's dead.
566
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,480
Voila. No-one goes to prison.
567
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:17,040
Where are you gonna hide her, Tommo?
In a field? In a telephone box?
568
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,720
In a fucking roll of carpet?
Obviously not cos they're terrible
options.
569
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,920
Well, the carpet might work, I
suppose.
570
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,800
You killed her, you prick, and now
you want to stuff her in a field
571
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,680
and fill the caravan full of drink.
I specifically said no to the field.
572
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:31,520
Look, in case you've forgotten,
573
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:34,800
we brought an undocumented woman
into the country, right?
574
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:36,840
All of us. Joint enterprise.
575
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:40,080
QED, we are all in the shit
together.
576
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,200
You're not fucking hiding her! Fine,
what's your big plan?
577
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,360
Right, brought supplies.
578
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,880
How can you eat at a time like this?!
579
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:49,760
Get off! Oi. Eager beaver.
580
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,680
Carol, nothing's gonna bring your
gran back. I'm sorry, OK?
581
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:57,800
But I say we get on with the trip,
we...
582
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,960
make the most of the...
beautiful weather.
583
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:05,480
Yeah? We pick the
booze up, we get... the sweeties.
584
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,480
And then we make a plan when we're
on the road, yeah?
585
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,320
Eugh! Quick, quick, quick, quick.
586
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,960
It wasn't S light spanking.
587
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,760
What's that? Like strangulation? No.
588
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:20,480
Face sitting? No.
589
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:22,600
Nothing poo-related? Oh, no, no, no.
590
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,040
Where's the fucking caravan? Where
is it?
591
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,560
Feck the caravan, someone's nicked
Grammy!
592
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:32,800
Arrrhhh!
593
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,960
His words, his exact words, were,
"Get him back safe."
594
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,400
Not just his head. Not just his
fucking bonce.
595
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,800
He wanted to have a word with him.
"Come for a nice day out," he said.
596
00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,840
Smoke a spliff, a few tunes.
597
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:54,160
And what have I done?
I shot a peacock...
598
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,840
...and I'm sat next to a box with a
head in it.
599
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:00,760
It's like Se7en.
600
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,240
It's my gran, she's just gone.
601
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:09,360
It was probably her heart, you know.
Black old heart on her.
602
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:13,960
Always smoking cigarettes. Fuck!
That's what we tell him. That's what
we tell Terence.
603
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:18,720
What, that he got trapped in the
seat of a caravan? No. Fucking ring
Gary at Abracadaver.
604
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,760
Tell him we're coming over and it's
urgent. Fucking go on.
605
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:26,280
That's it, like, we have to tell the
police.Yeah... Ah, mm, yes.
606
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,680
I er... I agree and er...
..I understand
your logic but...
607
00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,600
er... before we go down that
particular... avenue,
608
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,320
there might be a few matters it
would be prudent for you know about.
609
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:39,800
Like what? Well, A,
610
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,640
that wasn't exactly my caravan.
611
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,960
When you say not exactly...
Well, you know, er, not at all.
612
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,520
It was nicked from outside a dog
kennels in Keighley.
613
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:53,240
B? B. I don't actually have a
driver's license, so we can't say I
was behind the wheel,
614
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:57,280
which is a problem if they check the
security footage in Calais and er...
615
00:34:57,400 --> 00:34:59,520
C... There's a C.
There's a fucking C.
616
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:03,280
C, I have a criminal record in
France due to an incident several
years ago
617
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:07,160
involving two exchange students and
a glory hole in a Paris cinema
bathroom.
618
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,520
Jesus Christ, Tommo! What's a glory
hole?
619
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:11,600
It's a hole you put your -Cardi.
What?
620
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,120
It... it's... it's for sweets.
621
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,680
You all seem to be forgetting that my
grammy...
622
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:20,360
The racist... is dead and AWOL.
623
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,200
What if we never see her again?'Ey,
'ey, 'ey. Look, look.
624
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,200
We've saved money on t'funeral.
625
00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,000
Right, that's it! Wh...
626
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,200
Who wants to make a porno?!
627
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:33,440
Anyone?! Anyone want to fuck?!
She's in shock and grief.
628
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,760
Live sex with me! And soon, Eager
Beavers 23.What?
629
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:39,640
Carol!
630
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:41,680
Are we on holiday now?
631
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:47,880
What do you want me to do? It's like
you've been using it as a fucking
pinata.
632
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,040
Superficial, innit, man of your
skills, Gary. Then what?
633
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,680
Where's the rest of him? Fucking
hell, that's where the big favour
comes in
634
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,600
cos we've lost him. You've lost him.
Yeah. Well, no, no.
635
00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,240
He got stolen, to be fair. It's a
fucking long story.
636
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,280
The good news is we do have the head.
637
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:05,360
So I say we stitch that head onto
another body.
638
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:08,960
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sew that head onto
another body? Yeah.
639
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,360
I mean, dude, you must have some
lying around.
640
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,280
Yeah, I have, but oddly enough, Vin,
641
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:16,840
the bodies are still attached to the
head. They're intact. All right.
642
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:20,000
So, let's just say, for argument's
sake,
643
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:23,880
one of them heads was to fall off
that body, right?
644
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,480
And then we get that head and stitch
it onto that body
645
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,920
and borrow it for like two fucking
hours. Is that deeply unethical?
646
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:36,360
Yes. Utterly contemptible,
unthinkable, undignified.
647
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,400
300 quid.Done.Sick.
648
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,560
All right, so... we've got sort of a
fat fella.
649
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,080
And er... like a thin woman.
650
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,120
And...
651
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,200
...a black lad.
652
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,800
So there's no perfect match.
653
00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:00,520
All
right, one of yous has to catch it.
654
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,880
Dyl? No fucking chance.
655
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,160
My gran died earlier today.
656
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:09,120
Fuck, dude. I've been fucking lifting
his head all day long.
657
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,440
Quickly, now. This is fucked.
658
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,000
Oh, dude! Fuck!
659
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,000
Fuck me!
It went in my fucking mouth!
660
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,280
How am I supposed to know where it's
gonna spray? It's not my fault.
661
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,640
I'm doing you a favour! Fucking
hell, why's his dick out?
662
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:27,000
Because he's dead!
"Why is his dick out?"
663
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,560
What do you want? Shorts?
Yeah, some short something.
664
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,320
Bit of dignity for t'poor lad. Just
hold his head! Jesus Christ, dude.
665
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,920
It's fucking... It's like he's
staring at me dude, all limp.
666
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,080
Why does it smell of burnt dog meat?
It's fucking horrible.
667
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,600
Why's it smell like that? You get
used to it, OK?
668
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:46,120
And, to be honest, I find it quite
relaxing. Hold his head! Ugh!
669
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,160
Eugh!
670
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:52,280
Right, here we go!
Oh, fucking... Jesus!
671
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:54,840
Eugh! Whoa! Here we go!
672
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,440
Ugh! Eughhh!
673
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,200
Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!
674
00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,840
Eugh! Eugh! Arhhh!
675
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:07,480
Fuck! Just get me the other one!
676
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,520
Fuck. Ugh! Ugh!
677
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,920
Oh. I don't know if we're gonna have
enough neck here to stitch it on.
678
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,760
Ugh! Ugh!
679
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:16,840
We're gonna have to put a scarf on
him.
680
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:21,720
Here we go. There we are. Two
o'clock.
681
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:25,440
T-two o'clock?
682
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,480
Ahead and right a bit.
683
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,520
What are you saying two o'clock for?
Like on a clock.
684
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,320
Fucking hell. Him there, dickhead,
685
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,040
with the beard and the bloody
terrible sandals.
686
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,000
Keys straight in his jacket pocket
687
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,040
Go on. Off you pop.
688
00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:42,720
Go on.
689
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,440
Oh! Sorry, sorry. Pardon, pardon.
690
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:54,440
Er, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm grand.
S-sorry. Sorry.
691
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,720
Ah, success.
692
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,720
Right, where is it?
693
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:03,800
Where have you parked,
694
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,720
you sandal-wearing prick?
695
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,880
You have got to be shitting me.
696
00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:25,280
How are we all gonna fit in that?
We've got no choice. Get in.
697
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,160
Fingers? You've got it?
698
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,000
You, sir, are the Inspector Morse
of minge.
699
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:39,760
I spoke to Fingers.
700
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:43,600
Am I or am I not a genius?
701
00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:57,080
# I'm waiting for my man
702
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:05,040
# 26 dollars in my hand... #
703
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:12,800
Shit, that's him. Right, just let me
do all t'talking, yeah?
704
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,200
Mr McCann.
705
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,920
Where is he? He's in the back of the
van.
706
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,960
I wanna see him. Yeah, he's er...
707
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,320
He just started panicking on the way
here.
708
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,440
Fucking hyperventilating and that.
709
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:27,760
I think he's had a heart attack, you
know.
710
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:31,480
Open up then.
711
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,400
Go on.
712
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,360
He said he'd put on some weight. It's
probably stress.
713
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,400
It was very quick.
714
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:50,760
You bastard.
715
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:55,560
Cheated my fucking wrath with death,
you cunt.
716
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:00,480
This your fucking way out, is it?
Eh?
717
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,520
This your fucking escape route?
718
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:10,680
See that face? Face of a traitor.
719
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,880
Face of a man who tried to fucking
cheat his fucking paymaster.
720
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:32,800
These the dolls?
721
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:35,800
Ha!
722
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:37,840
The girls are gonna love these.
723
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:39,360
Get rid of him.
724
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:43,640
I've weed myself a little bit.
725
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,880
Oh.
726
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,000
Um...
727
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,400
Er, I need a pee.
728
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,360
Yep. I'll er... just pull over.
729
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:10,520
# La fille du coupeur de joints
730
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,240
# La fille du coupeur de joints... #
731
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,680
Right, dead quick. Come on.
732
00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,520
Carol, smell that smell there?
733
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,560
No!
734
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,120
Oh. Is that a dog lead?
735
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,160
Oi! Eyes off, you.
736
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:32,840
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
737
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:34,880
Oh, Christ.
738
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:36,920
That...
739
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:40,680
That's... That
is worse than spanking! Carol!
740
00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:43,000
Carol!
741
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,040
Oh, shit! Dude, the car.
742
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:50,320
The car's...
I spy with my little eye,
743
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,880
something beginning with F.
744
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:55,600
Oh, shit.
745
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:02,440
All right, Vin, how's it going?
Yeah, good, thanks, yeah. How's the
trip?
746
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:05,240
Great, thanks. Just having a nice
day out.
747
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,000
Yeah, same.
748
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,400
Lovely day out. Hm!
749
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:17,960
Grammy!
750
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,040
Fuck.
751
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:45,160
Ready? Ready, yeah. Whoa!
752
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,960
Wow, that's a gasper, isn't it?
753
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:52,040
That is a bad boy. Hell's teeth.
754
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,760
Right.
I'll be back in a sec.
755
00:43:56,920 --> 00:44:00,000
What a phallus. Huh!
756
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,840
Oh, God.
What about the itching though?
757
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:06,800
Crabs? Crabs, yeah.
61570
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