Original subtitles

LANA: Archer, do something. ARCHER: Sure thing, Lana.

Oh, wait, I can't, because I left my lightsaber in my other space pants!

Don't yell at me, this was your idea! What?

Remind me, when was it that I said, "Guys, great idea.

Let's get shanghaied to go live on fricking Mars!"

KELLOGG: Keep moving. Make me-- Ow!

Heh, heh. He said "meow."

Moving. Yes, and how can I help you not ever do that again, please?

Get in there. In here sounds great.

Are the cuffs really necessary?

Archer broke both of Wu's arms.

He what? While shouting "whoo!"

Happy coincidence.

Mr. Archer, do I have to sedate you? Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink.

Archer. What, you want one?

Okay, can we get two, um...

My tongue says sangrita, but my heart says...

Archer. ...michelada.

You realize this is kidnapping. I do, yes.

And do you realize you're insane? He wouldn't, by definition--

What's more insane? Suffering through famine, war, disease on a dying Earth...

...or creating a utopia on Mars?

Using me as your brood sow?

No, not-- Well, okay, yes, technically.

But we searched for so long to find the perfect human female specimen.

Well, that's flattering-ish.

And with your morphology, your IQ, your medical history--

How'd you get my medical records?

Don't judge me on the how, until you see the why.

Oh, Krieger-san! I never judge you!

Well, your mother sure as hell does!

How isn't important. What is important--

ls you hired ISIS just so Lana could pump out a bunch of Martian babies?

Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars," not actual alien life forms.

Oh. Whatever. Either way.

My point is this whole thing is Lana's fault... What?

...and you don't need more dudes on Mars-- Archer!

Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio around here is creepy enough already...

...so why not let us three go--

I'm afraid that's impossible. Or just me.

Because even if we didn't need all the manpower we can get...

...there's no ship to take you back to Earth.

Yeah, no, the shuttle, it's--

It's going to push the Horizon into orbit above Mars...

...to serve as our base while we begin the terraforming.

Which reminds me.

Commander Kellogg, there are three women on the Intrepid.

Take a boarding party and bring them back here to join their friends.

Holy shit-space!

Hey, guys. we got a problem!

Duh. The party's starting, and this dress makes me look like a whore!

Oh, you don't look like a whore.

An idiot, maybe. Wha--?

Or both.

Yes, a "whordiot."

DRAKE: Agent Kane, I--

May I call you Lana?

You absolutely may not.

Fair enough, but I wish you'd reconsider.

You'd be much more comfortable in my quarters.

Ha! You'll have to sedate me.

No, no, no, we wouldn't do that.

We need you in peak physical condition for this great undertaking of ours.

All of you.

So wait, are we not doing drinks?

Ha! I'm not helping you terraform Mars. I won't move one cup of dirt.

Can we at least have beers?

Then you can join the, um...

Well, we're calling them "involuntary laborers."

lnvol-- Wait, you mean slaves?

Oh, now he's indignant.

Please, all you have to do is sit around all day getting laid.

Involuntary labor is just a temporary measure.

In a few generations, after the colony is established...

...we'll revisit the issue. In the meantime--

You can kiss three-fifths of my ass.

KELLOGG : Uh, Tony, we've got a problem.

Ugh. What now?

I'm on my way.

And the black guy is okay with this?

Ugh. What? Oh, for-- How was that racist?

It's just a temporary measure. I didn't say anything.

Hello, uh, miss? This is Commander Kellogg.

I need you to move the locking lever from "manual" to "auto."

PAM : "Auto." Got it. Moving the lever.

Uh, clunk. Did that do it?

KELLOGG: Did you move the--?

Boring conversation anyway.

What the hell are you doing?

These nutsacks wanna take us to Mars to be baby factories.

Really?

I can't go live on Mars. I just rented a summer house.

Really?

No.

Oh, whatever. Come on, we gotta figure a way out of this.

Or do we?

ARCHER: Yes. LANA: No!

Why is nobody else wearing a T-shirt under their suit?

Because this thing feels amazing.

I know, right? It's like a vagina with a zipper.

Ew. Lana, trust me, this is the only way.

Ugh. All right. But turn around.

"Turn around"? It's not like we haven't all seen them before.

Don't remind me.

Okay, there.

Although, I guess it has been a long time.

Meaning?

Nothing, just bet you're glad we're in reduced gravity.

Well, I didn't invent the ravages of time.

Okay, Ray, Cyril, get ready.

Lana, uh, pretend it's five years ago.

I wish it was, so I could murder you before we ever dated.

Uh, excuse me, could I borrow you?

No, you cannot borrow-- Oh, my God!

LANA: Yeah, right?

Okay, what seems to be the--?

GUARD: Aah! My eye!

ARCHER: Somebody get his goddamn gun!

LANA: Oh, for the love of--! ARCHER: Ow! You dick!

GUARD: Ow! My other eye!

I'm almost certainly blind.

Serves you right. Anybody else hit?

No, I'm good. Yeah, uh, me too.

That's because you hid, Cyril.

Otherwise, I think that all went pretty great.

Right? LANA: Really?

ARCHER: Heh, heh. Do you not'?

"Do you not?" Just give me the damn--

T-shirt. Sorry, it's been commandeered.

What the hell am I supposed to wear? Uh... Oh, maybe this will work.

Yeah, I think that totally works. Stole them from the gift shop.

If you're done being an asshole, help me strip this guy so I can--

What the--? COMPUTER : Security breach, Pod 6.

We gotta move! Come on!

Lana, let's go!

Wait! Let me just get-- Damn it!

Ow.

Well, now they're droopier.

Aw.

COMPUTER : Security breach, Pod 6.

DRAKE: No, no, no, now what?

Security breach, Pod 6. I heard you.

I don't care if you have to use the plasma torch, get this door open.

Security team, this is Commander Drake. Converge on Pod 6.

You heard him, get this door open.

Sure thing, boss man.

Oh, my God, for the last time--

We can't...

...fight them off.

That's what Dad said when the bank man came out to foreclose on the farm.

And guess how that turned out.

You murdered a banker?

No, we got a loan modification.

You think a bank wants to own a failing dairy farm with obsolete milkers?

Oh, my God, speaking of--

They're right where they've always been.

Wait, can she hear us? Man, I hope not.

Lana. Guess not.

ARCHER : Will you come on? Grr!

Don't get me wrong. I'd still do her.

Oh, please, you'd do...

Name a noun.

No, you look.

You look at these and tell me they're not perfect!

Now? Really?

Jesus God, are you that insecure?

No! I'm not! Because I am-- Ready!

Oh, man. Uh, thoughts?

Through there! Go! Uh, nope.

Aim!

Why not? It's full of, ugh, garbage and shit.

You got a better idea?

Well, we could eat a big bowl of hepatitises A through E.

Or just run away.

Just because it was my idea, you-- Guys.

GUARD: Fire!

Oh, shit.

KELLOGG: What's taking so long?

Couple things.

One, I didn't invent whatever this door is made of...

...which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril.

And two, not really liking your tone.

DRAKE: Ugh, you idiots.

Firing an ion cannon at the future Mother of Mars?

Whose idea was that? Ahem. Dave's.

Oh. Well, that's just great, Dave.

Tell me, if you kill her, who's gonna bear our Martian children? Huh? Trish?

Ew. Ew.

Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.

We've been locked in here ever since you idiots took over Horizon.

Tone. Yeah, sorry.

But Drake wants to use the Intrepid to push Horizon to Mars...

...so tell us how we can stop him.

Yeah, can Cyril die after shutting down the tractor beam, or...?

Ugh! The Intrepid is the key to Drake's plan...

...and he and Kellogg are the only ones who can fly it.

So why aren't you A-holes down there?

Heh, heh. Burn. Cyril.

Although, good point, Trish.

Okay, to the Intrepid. Let's go.

Oh, and, Trish? Uh, with your looks, maybe bitchy is not the way to go.

GILLETTE: Okay, you're the prettiest! Come on!

I thought I'd made myself very clear. You did, but--

Then why isn't the airlock open?

Dwarven technology.

What was that? What did you say? Tony, stop.

See? Now we just wait for Mr. Archer to save the day, like he always does.

I don't know about always but--

Are you sure they can't get in?

Didn't you hear him? He said--

DRAKE: Say "dwarven technology" again! What the--?

Stop this at once. We command you.

I'm sorry? Unh.

Wait, we're sorry. Aren't you guys looking for a new Martian queen?

PAM: Goddamn it.

Why, yes, and you're...? Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

And you're just so...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Don't say "whordiot." We hate that.

Majestic. Right.

Now follow me. We got a big list of must-haves for the royal palace.

Uh, your wish is my command. CHERYL: Duh.

Seal the door behind me and prepare Horizon for launch.

Next stop, Mars.

Okay, you heard him. Uh, I heard him tell you to do it.

And I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space.

Wait, there are animals?

No, Animal Farm.

How do you not get that? Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Not an animal farm.

Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Animal Farm is a book.

No, it isn't, Lana.

It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell!

And spoiler alert, it sucks!

Although I was talking about an actual animal farm.

So never mind.

Oh, don't mind me, ma'ams.

Just adjusting the climate control.

Ooh, yes. Another palace must-have.

Now, we heard some mention of babies?

Uh-huh. But just to be clear, we don't do babies.

"Do" as in...?

"Do" as in tolerate, be around, touch...

...and as in let them claw their monster-y way out of our vagina.

Well, let's put a pin in that.

Ew!

Wait, put a pin in what?

What? What is wrong with you? And where are the other two--?

Right here, space-nuts.

Pamela, stop. Your queen commands you.

Oh, please, you're not fit to be queen of...

Name a place. Lidsville.

And, Drake, you can forget all about your crazy little Martian sex cult.

Ugh. It's not--

Don't you people get it?

Earth is doomed.

Mankind's only hope for survival is to find a new home on Mars...

...and I am the only man alive who can lead us there.

I am like, uh...

Jesus Christ.

Well, I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but--

Drop your weapon. Make me.

No, don't make her. Come on, Pam.

Pam, shoot!

Mother! Malory!

Pam! MALORY: And she'll do it too.

CHERYL: She'll do anything to keep us from the throne which is our birthright.

Ew, birth.

All right! No, no, no. What are you doing?

No, no! No, even if they kill me, they can never kill our dream.

Mars!

Uh, hang on, sorry, one sec.

Drones? You wanna...? Thank you, thank you.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

There is no Mars without you, Tony. I'm sorry.

Sorry? You're sorry?

You just single-handedly doomed mankind!

Even so, black astronaut, that's pretty huge. It actually is.

And at least your own mother didn't just play chicken with your life!

Heh, heh. Self-burn. Cyril!

Drake, you're gonna fly us back to Earth to stand trial for, whatever, space piracy.

No man can judge me.

Well, you say that, but--

Mars forever!

Suppressing fire!

CHERYL: Cyril, stop!

I think I got them. Did I get them?

You did. You got those two guys, who were just minding their own business.

Ooh. And also the one remaining person who could fly us back to Earth!

A black astronaut, Cyril. That's like killing a unicorn.

Aw, crap-snacks! How could this get--?

Don't say it! Do not say it!

MAN : Gone to outer space

To shoot that dickbag in his face

Hang on, Other Barry.

Uh, this is Barry.

Hey, pumpkin pie! What's that?

No. No, I'm in, uh, London for wor--

What?

Heh, Katya, pumpkin, I promised I'd stop trying to kill Archer.

Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised.

What? Wait, what's wrong with the sofa we already have?

Oh, hey, hon, you're breaking up.

Any worse. ls what I was gonna say.

Really?

Yes.

ARCHER: Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Hello, is this airboats?

Yeah, hi, it's me, Spacebot.

What? Oh, just lifting a thousand pounds like it's an apple, no big deal.

Archer! Quit screwing around with the robot and shut the damn airlock already!

ARCHER: Five more minutes! God.

What's the hurry? We're all gonna die up here anyway.

We're gonna die!

We're not gonna die! Stop crying!

For what it's worth, I think you would've made a great Martian queen.

Duh!

Okay.

LANA: Yeah. So, Trish? What?

Still with the tone.

ARCHER: Okay, the airlock's closed. Happy?

So, seriously, none of you know how to fly this thing?

No. We're scientists. We never even trained on the simulator.

The simulator. Guys, I can fly us home.

I will fly us home.

Wait, what is this?

And that?

But right now this?

He was really good in the simulator. Right up until he crashed it.

Thanks to you and your fire extinguisher. Right?

Okay, then it's settled.

So, Trish, Horizon is self-sustaining, right?

Duh. Well, then, have fun.

Wait, wait, wait!

Uh-- Never mind. I'm sure someone is gonna feed the farm animals.

Cyril, you're in command, try not to kill us. Everybody else, strap in.

Really?

I said in, not on.

Oh. And ew.

And-- Malory!

I'm going into stasis. Wake me up when we're on the ground.

Preferably above 72nd Street.

What is that? Who's got beer?

BARRY : Archer!

Come out to play.

ALL: Barry?

Come on out, Archer. I mean, I'd come in, but. ...

Yeah. Who built this door, space dwarves?

Okay, Barry. Forgetting for the moment how you found me here...

HOLOGRAM: Krieger-san!

You wanna finish this?

Yeah, I do. Yeah. That's why I'm here-

Not for long, you're not.

Where do you think you're going? Uh, this place called to kill Barry.

Every time y'all fight he beats you like the redheaded stepchild of a rented mule.

No, he doesn't.

CYRIL: Yeah, both head and ass. PAM: Pounds you like meat.

Look, look, look. Hang on, hang on.

There we go. Look, check this out.

Look. Yeah.

Oh. You can wear this.

My God. I know. Right?

Evil Cyborg versus Spacebot. Love it.

This is gonna be--

And I hate this word, Barry, but this is gonna be epic!

I'll be right-- LANA: He can't get in here.

So the only reason to go out there is your ego.

Not just my ego, Lana, Spacebofs ego.

And a giant ass-whipping.

I can take him. Did you not see those claws?

Please. We just want to go home.

But Spacebot...

Jesus, think about someone else for once in your life!

And that's her saying that.

Exactly.

Domo arigato, Archer Roboto

ARCHER: Uh, Barry? Yo. Yeah, let's get it on, brother.

I, uh... I can't get it on.

What? Come on. Maybe next time, sorry.

Hey, don't do that, don't apologize. Sorry.

I mean, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina...

...that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis...

...I completely understand. And you need to deal with that.

Honestly, we can do this another time.

Archer?

Next time, Barry.

Sterling, I know I may not say this very often-- Or ever.

Well, congratulations, you ruined it.

But I'm still very proud of you.

Aw.

Ass.

COMPUTER : Docking coupler disengaging.

CYRIL: Okay, folks, next stop, planet Earth.

MALORY: Just try not to kill us all, Cyril. Mother, please!

Don't listen to her, Cyril, you're gonna do great.

Hey, thanks, Archer.

You know what, just for that...

ARCHER: What are you doing? CYRIL: Heh, heh, heh. You'll see.

COMPUTER: Ignition.

BARRY: No!

ARCHER: Now who's got a vagina problem?

PAM: Me. ARCHER: Ew.

How am I gonna get home?

COMPUTER: Fifty meters. LANA: You're doing great, Cyril.

Almost there.

So let me take this baby on in. What are you doing?

Archer, stop it! ARCHER: Let me land it!

Archer! You had, like, an actual moment of self-awareness in space, so--

So I deserve to land the goddamn spaceship!

ALL: Aah! COMPUTER: Sink rate, sink rate.

ARCHER: Cyril, it's all you, buddy. You got it. Climb, climb.

MALORY: Item four:

Until further notice, no more health insurance claims will be accepted.

LANA: Aw. Come on, really? MALORY: Don't blame me.

Yeah, Cyril crashed the damn thing.

Oh, come on, Ray. What's the big deal?

You already had the chair!

Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat?