All language subtitles for Midsomer Murders 14x04 - The Oblong Murders

This script was created by decoding a tv teletext stream to build coloured subtitles

(OPERATIC SINGING ON STEREO)

(DOOR BUZZER)

Yes?

Yes, of course.

This is a surprise.

How awful.

Not at all. Come on up. It's the
third floor.

(BUZZER)

(OPERATIC SINGING)

You could probably do with a drink.

Argh!

(YELPS)

Sykesy.

Coffee's on the table. Ooh, and I
meant to tell you.

I think I might have found a dog
minder for Sykes. Oh.

Millie Bullard, sister to the one
and only George.

I er...wondered if you would ask him
to put in a good word.

She's very particular so some
serious sucking-up is required.

Message received.

(SYKES GRUNTS)

Is Ben back from his course today?
Yeah, he is.

The role-playing went down well,
apparently.

(MOBILE RINGS)
See you later.

Yeah. Hello.

I'll be there right away.

Easy does it.

She's over there.

Morning, John.

Kids found her trapped in the weir.

Why are you um... I was in the
station when the call came in.

I thought it might have -

It's a false alarm. Thank God for
that.

Right, let's get her out.

You thought it might have been?

John, I've got a favour to ask.

Ask away.

I wouldn't bother you normally.
These things happen all the time.

A young adult goes off, doesn't
bother telling her parents what
she's doing.

Someone you know? The daughter of
some very old friends of mine.

The Olivers. Jim and Mary.

Name's Lucy. Lovely girl.

But she's just gone completely off
the radar.

Have you heard of the Oblong
Foundation?

Oh, the New Age people at Malham
Hall.

Yeah. The Obbies, as the locals call
them.

Well, Lucy went on one of their
induction courses for a week...

..and stayed five or six months.

Regular home calls to her mum and
dad twice a week.

And then she just disappeared. Not a
word for two months now.

Jim hired a private detective who
was meant to be an expert on cults.

But they fell out over money and
he's no longer working for them.

They're desperate and I can
understand why.

The spokesperson for the Oblong
Foundation

claims to have no knowledge of her
whereabouts.

I'll check it out. I appreciate it,
John.

And if there's anything I can do...

What? Um...

It's nothing.

What?

(DOGS BARK)

WOMAN: Quiet!

Morning. This is John Barnaby.

Miss Bullard. Pleased to meet you.
Millie. Where's Sykes?

I was introducing you to John
Barnaby.

It's pointless if I don't meet the
dog.

(PHONE RINGS AND DOGS BARK)

Come in, come in. Quiet!

Yes? Oh, hello.

Look, there are plenty of other dog
minders about.

Nothing has altered since yesterday

and I don't envisage anything
changing for months.

Outside!
(FRANTIC BARKING)

No. No.

No.

My sister's always been forthright.

But she's normally straightforward
to deal with.

She hasn't put you out in the garden
before?

Er, no.

How long have the Oblong people been
at Malham Hall?

Getting on for a couple of years.

Ruth Lambert inherited the place
from her parents who died in a
boating accident.

You may have heard of them. Property
developer and his wife.

Oh, I remember. It was a gas
explosion, wasn't it?

Yeah. Ruth was a member of the
Oblong Foundation.

You're not suggesting there's a
connection?

No evidence of foul play. The
coroner was unequivocal. Accidental
death.

But it has proved quite convenient
for the foundation.

(DOOR OPENS)

I'll have the file sent over in case
there's something.

I do apologise about all that.

Come in.

I'm afraid George has wasted your
time, Mr Barnaby.

I need to see you and Sykes together
so if the two of you

could come back tomorrow, say about
midday. No problem. Ah, perfect.

See you tomorrow.

Bye, George.

My sister.

We have no idea where your daughter
is.

I'm sure she'll be in touch.
LAD: Where's Lucy? Weirdos.

Where is she? Freaks. Stop that.
Tree huggers. Stop.

It's not helping. Perhaps you should
look to yourselves first.

Dominic, I'll handle it. You cannot
force us to leave. Everybody stop
now, please.

If you're not on your way within
three seconds

I will be doing you for assault.

What, with a dangerous egg?

Three...

two...

(MOUTHS)

Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby,
Causton CID.

Who's in charge? Freddie Raft.

Freddie, if you wait inside I'll be
with you shortly.

Mr and Mrs Oliver.

We need to talk.

We've heard nothing.

Neither have any of Lucy's friends.
It's totally out of character.

Do you know if her phone or credit
cards have been used?

We tried to find out but they say
it's all confidential.

They refuse to tell us anything.

The press have been in touch,
talking about doing a story

and...using her picture.

We're not keen but...

I don't know what else we can do.

They've agreed to no more demos for
two weeks.

In return I was hoping you might tell
me

about the circumstances of Lucy's
disappearance.

Departure. She hasn't disappeared.

She didn't tell you where she was
going, what she was doing?

No.

But even if she had I'd be unable to
tell her parents without her
permission.

Or you.

We take confidentiality very
seriously.

Freddie, I'm telling you, in a
friendly way,

that if you hear from Lucy you will
call me.

I don't need to know where she is
just that she's OK.

Do you understand?

And if you need to talk to anyone,

can you do it through me, please?

Who's that?

Thank you, yes. Just lay them out.

That's Ruth and Dominic.

Dominic's our inspirational teacher.

Ruth's the owner of Malham Hall.

She's a long-standing member of the
foundation.

Thank you.

WOMAN: They're pretty harmless as
cults go.

Harmless? The Lamberts would be
spinning in their graves if they
knew what was happening.

Mind control, psychological
manipulation.

And then there's the nudity and the
orgies.

And the ritualised flagellations.

Not all bad then, what?

We get the odd absconder down here,
desperate for a drink.

But the fun police from the hall
arrive and round them up.

They've got an uncanny of knowing
when they're here.

Lucy Oliver was here the night
before she disappeared.

Well, that's why the chief
inspector's here, isn't it?

Lucy Oliver's disappearance.

Did she say where she was going? No
word about going anywhere.

But that Freddie woman got down here
a bit quick

and the chat they had was...

..intense.

You didn't hear what they were
discussing? No.

But when Lucy left that was the last
we saw of her.

Some have been suspicious of the
Obbies from the start.

The previous owners of Malham Hall
died in a boating accident.

Mm. A few conspiracy theorists still
believe that it wasn't an accident.

Retired property developer Jeremy
Lambert

and his wife, Carolyn, died last
night

when their classic river cruiser

exploded as the result of a gas
leak.

The couple, who were experienced
boaters,

had spent the evening at a local
restaurant

where fellow diners said they had
enjoyed a quiet meal together.

The National Boat Owner's
Association said the accident is a
tragic reminder

of the importance of gas safety
procedures on pleasure craft,

particularly older boats with aging
equipment.

Police have asked for anyone that
was in the area

at the time of the incident to con-

What did you make of the Obbies?

We'll be lucky to find out anything
at all.

Shame that her parents fell out with
the private detective.

He'd done all the hard work.
Establishing a false ID,

getting a pass for the induction
week.

Afternoon.

Ooh. Very Miami Vice.

Just part of the role-play.

This is funny. This is
extraordinary.

The name the private detective

was going to go undercover with was
Jones.

What age was he?

Same age as Ben.

A girl has gone missing from the
Oblong Foundation.

How about going undercover

on one of their induction courses?

No, I've got a week off, sir. I need
it.

I just... I just popped in to -

I think this is what is called an
amazing opportunity.

Intelligence-gathering skills, you
see. The course has not been in vain.

And um...it wouldn't do your
promotion prospects any harm either.

That is undue pressure, sir.

The missing girl is the daughter of
some good friends of George's.

Seriously, Ben. Have a look at that.

We're extremely worried about what's
happened to her.

Her disappearance does feel iffy.

Yeah.

How does Ben feel about it all? Oh,
he can handle himself.

Oh, having said that,

playing the part of his undercover
identity will be a test.

Burnt out media whizz kid from Crouch
End. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, we've got our interview with
Millie

and we'll both have to be on our best
behaviour.

I've heard that. Oh, no problem.

Sykesy will charm her, won't you,
boy? (BARKS)

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

Perfect...imperfection.

The grit...in a pure voice...

which gives the song that extra lift
of emotion.

The extra inch on a waistline...

..that proclaims a joy in sensual
pleasure...

..and the appetite for it. Are not
these things...

more beautiful than the purest
beauty itself?

And the planet Earth.

Our very home.

But it's not a sphere.

It is...

Oblong.

Oblong.

A spinning oblong, wobbling and
tilting on its axis

in its oblong orbit around the sun.

Imperfect fireball.

A ragged, life-giving globe of
flame.

All imperfections,

granting so many possibilities

and bringing so much of what is
unique and beautiful to life,

to our lives.

And so,

being here this week,

you are invited...

to be a part of that cosmic
imperfection.

Hm? And to glory in it...

..knowingly.

(MOBILE RINGTONE)

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. God, how excruciatingly
embarrassing.

Right, there we are. I've done it.
Sorry.

The siren call of new technology.

Oh, tell me about it.
(SHARPLY) Yes. Thank you.

So, I think...

..that this is probably a good time

to invite you all to make your last
phone call of the week

and then all mobiles will be handed
in.

It is one of the few rules that we
have here at Malham Hall.

Thank you.

He didn't mention the free love like
they did on the website.

I hope we're not here under false
pretences.

Oh, you've made a friend there.

Blaze Leadbetter.

Cosmo Jones. Ooh, Cosmo. I like.

That's typical of me, the whole phone
thing.

Persona non grata and we've not even
started.

It could have happened to anyone.
Thank you.

Well, I'd er...better make my call.
Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.

Excuse me. Hey, Wolf. Here, boy.

Do you know, was there once a
pontoon here?

There was, yeah. Partially destroyed
when a boat blew up two or three
years ago.

And they never rebuilt it. Must have
been quite an explosion.

It was a big bang.

You were here when it happened? Are
you a copper?

Thought so. I can spot one at a
hundred yards.

I can spot a hash plant at twenty.

Hey, Wolf. Come on. Wolf. Come on,
boy.

I'm not interested in plants but I
am interested in what happened on the
night of the explosion.

No-one was interested in what I had
to say at the time.

Yes, I found a comment in the case
notes.

It said you seemed to be high during
pretty much all of your waking hours.

Yeah. It doesn't mean you don't hear
things.

I think that was his point.

What did you hear, exactly?

I was down below. I didn't see
anything.

But I heard footsteps on the
pontoon.

(FOOTSTEPS)

I thought it was the Lamberts
returning at first.

They didn't come down to their boat
often

but I had seen them earlier that
day.

But then I heard the footsteps going
back again

so I realised that it couldn't have
been them.

What about the explosion? I was on
deck for that.

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

Ooh.

Enjoyable meal? Excellent, thanks.

'Night. Good night.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Yes?
'I saw Carolyn answer her phone.'

Who's this?
'Just when she got back on board.'

Oh, wait a moment, can you?
'Then a few moments later just...'

It was obvious they were both dead.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Excuse me.

Jones. They're not keen on mobile
phones.

I'll be hiding mine, handing in the
spare,

so I'm not sure how easy it's going
to be to keep in touch.

Well, if you get anything on Lucy
Oliver tell me as soon as you can

but don't push it. Concentrate on
fitting in for now.

You never mentioned the inductees
have to sleep in a dormitory.

Yeah. Go easy on the free love.

They're a bit scary, to be honest.

England expects, Jones. Got an
interesting...

(SOFT CONVERSATION)
(RUSTLE OF FOOTSTEPS)

Yeah, bye.

I was just looking for somewhere to
hide mine.

Depriving us of our mobile phones.
It's against our human rights.

That is just for emergencies,
obviously.

Absolutely.

Do you think mine could share that
nice little sleeping bag with yours?

Yeah.

A friend of mine told me about the
course. It changed her life.

But then she's always been a bit out
there.

Yeah, I heard it's pretty awesome.

They're not perfect though.

When she was here a couple of the
foundation regulars had a blazing
row.

Yeah. One of them walked out, just
disappeared one night.

Very weird. Right.

So do you know who was involved?

It was Freddie, I think, the woman
who runs it

and the younger one. What was her
name?

I think it was Lucy.

Nice girl, apparently. Just upped and
left. Didn't say goodbye.

Is that right? Apparently.

Did your friend say what the row was
about?

I've no idea. She said it was still
a good week though

but I think I'll take a bit more
convincing before I commit to the
Oblong way.

Bit of a sceptic. Best way.

Listen...I er...I've got to make one
last call.

Then I'll see you up there.

(DISTANT CONVERSATION)

Oh. Beautiful here, isn't it?

Ohh.

I like to explore new places,

get my bearings, know where I am.

Well, we all need to know where we
are.

It's um...Cosmo, isn't it?

That's right. Wise words...

..from a wise man, I think.

Maybe a bit wasted on an advertiser
copywriter.

Will you walk with us...copywriter?

Of course.

Yeah. There's a DCI John Barnaby
asking to see you, Miss Crane.

Mr Barnaby. To what do I owe the
pleasure?

It's an informal visit.

Oh, dear.

That normally means you'll be asking
for information I shouldn't really
give out.

You've seen through me straightaway.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I suppose the worst I can do
is say no.

I'll try my luck then.

I understand Ruth Lambert is a client
of yours

as were her parents when they were
alive.

You were executor of their wills.
That's correct.

There's a missing persons case I'm
looking into informally,

a Lucy Oliver, and I was hoping to
get some background about the Oblong
Foundation

and their set-up at Malham Hall with
Ruth.

As far as I'm concerned everything's
above board.

The foundation is renting Malham
Hall

on a short-term tenancy agreement
from Ruth. That's it.

Did you know the Lamberts well?

Can I ask what this has to do with
Lucy Oliver's disappearance?

I was going to ask what your feelings
were about the boating accident.

You think they're connected?

I'm just trying to get a feel for
the general background.

General background - ah, I see.

For what it's worth I was in the
'accident waiting to happen' camp.

I'd been on the Lambert's boat.

They didn't turn the gas off at the
bottle.

They didn't even turn it off at the
secondary valve.

And with Carolyn smoking...

An accident waiting to happen.

That's me.

There you are. Thank you.

Your mobile will be here on the last
afternoon of the course.

Ruth. If you could just sign here.

There's a registered letter for you
at the post office.

I offered to sign but the postman
insisted on getting your signature.

RUTH: I don't like this. Go sooner
rather than later

but take someone with you. I could
go with her.

If the villagers cause trouble I'll
give 'em a bit of that.

I think actually it's more diplomacy
we're looking for.

What about Cosmo?

Don't you think one of the family
rather than an inductee?

He'll be fine. This is the...village
post office.

Yeah. If there's any trouble just
diffuse it.

And you can do that, copywriter.

I feel the calm in him.

Oh, no. They're the ones who were
causing the trouble.

Look who this is.

Spot the weirdos. Look, it's the
tree huggers.

So where's Lucy, eh? I'm sorry about
this. Where is she?

Under the patio? What have you done
with her? Freaks.

Don't ignore us.

Ow. Oi. Argh.

Are you shy or something? Why can't
you face us?

Oi. Go on. Stop. Answer the
question.

We wanna know. Where's Lucy?

Look at the bozo. Freak. That's
enough.

'Ey up. He's going to let the dog
loose on us.

You two again. Throw another one of
those

and you'll be on a community order
picking up litter for the next few
years.

Could I have a word, please, sir?

Nice to see you keeping a low
profile, Cosmo.

I spoke to someone who confirms
Freddie and Lucy fell out.

Massive row. The next morning she
was gone.

They asked me to come with Ruth
Lambert in case there was trouble.

That's her. She's picking up a
registered letter.

Call me. Oh, my God. What's happened?

Local village idiots, I'm afraid.
More than our fair share here.

So, you won't be pressing charges
then, sir?

Well, if there's another incident
like this then I'll have to
re-evaluate.

Those my tomatoes?

Right, you'll be paying double for
that lot.

I didn't realise you worked here as
well.

Here during the day, pub evenings
and weekends. That's a long week.

Yes, well, some of us weren't born
with a silver spoon in our mouths.

Right, that'll be �10, please. Yeah?
I don't think so.

Do you want me to go round and ask
your dad for it?

It's up to you.

They're getting so confrontational.

Pretty good shots too.

I'm sorry.

Mm, Mr Barnaby. Ah. And who's this?

This young fella is Sykes. Oh,
hello.

He's a bit nervous.

We've got an interview with Millie
Bullard in half an hour.

Oh, we know Millie.

Many are interviewed. Few are
chosen.

Well, I think Sykes might need a bit
of fortifying for his ordeal ahead.

Bo's going to have to share her
snack this morning.

Go on then. Short rations, Bo.

Claire. Yeah? Phone.

Oh, OK. Hang on one sec.

Well, listen...good luck.

Thank you.

Paddy is obviously run off his feet.

You know, the Lamberts used to have
lunch here quite a lot.

I don't think Claire was very
pleased when Paddy barred them.

It's still very busy here in the
evenings.

Claire's reputation from her old
catering business.

What did the Lamberts do to get
barred?

He doesn't like the idea of serving
anyone, Paddy.

So, when you've got the Lamberts,

who thought they owned the place,
well...

..it was always going to be a rocky
road.

(FRANTIC BARKING)

MILLIE: Quiet!

Sykesy, could you keep it down just
a touch?

Mr Barnaby...and Sykes.

Do come in.

I did love my mum and dad.

I just had to get out of that place
when I was old enough.

Such a huge house with just two or
three people in it.

It seemed so wasteful.

Now though, with the foundation, it
feels so right.

But there are still a lot of memories
there for me.

Those kids in the village were...

going on about a Lucy
Oliver...weren't they?

I heard she had a row with Freddie
before she went missing.

That's not true. They were really
good friends.

Well, I always take second-hand
comments with a pinch of salt.

Better to trust your instincts, I
say.

That's what Dominic always says. The
logic of trusting your instincts.

I think Dominic has really taken to
you.

I think maybe I have as well.

A little.

(BARKING)

He's normally very calm.

A bit excited.

What have found out about the Oliver
girl,

about her curious disappearance?

Did you know there's a footpath that
runs through the Malham Hall estate?

I didn't. Oh, yes.

They've always been relaxed about
people walking their dogs there

but just recently they've put up
notices...

asking owners to keep their dogs on
a lead.

I'll leave you to draw your own
conclusion.

Leave.

(BARKING)

A bit of trouble down in the village,
was it?

Ruth said you were magnificent.

I can't argue with that.

Did you want a shower? Oh, yes, all
right.

No, no, no, it's OK. Just finishing.

Shame. I happen to know Freddie's
going to London tonight.

Staying over. You're very interested
in Freddie.

Well, it's our once-only chance to
look at her room.

I want to find out a little bit more
about the foundation

before I pledge my undying loyalty.

How did it go? I'm in here.

So...do we have a dog minder?

She is prepared to give Sykes a
trial.

Ah.

A trial? Mm.

And she wants to meet the other pack
leader. That's you.

What happened?

It was fine.

She says the only way she can get a
handle on Sykes' personality is if
she meets us both.

It went well. There was no
inappropriate behaviour? No leg
mounting?

None. And Sykes behaved himself?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I suppose it'll all be worth it.

Dominic will address you.

From the time of the Anglo-Saxon
roundhouses,

communal sleeping was the norm.

People slept not just with their
family...

but with their tribe.

This is the Oblong way

for our inductees.

But, if people do need their own
space...

for coitus,

then love rooms are available in the
adjoining corridor.

And can I ask that all inductees

observe the protocol of the 'do not
disturb' signs?

So, good night, one and all.

You're in there, mate.

Wh- (Don't look so worried. It's not
a proposition.)

(We just go out, pretend we're going
to the love room

and then, when the coast is clear,

nip over to Freddie's.)

OK.

(Take my hand.)

We've got to look the part.

Here.

Hello there.

Room for a little one? We're
strictly 'do not disturb'.

Oh. It's not really in the spirit of
things.

Sorry, mate.

(ORGASMIC GASPS AND GROANS)

(GASPS AND GROANS CONTINUE)

(GASPS AND GROANS)

(CREAKING AND THUDDING)

(HEAVY THUDDING)
It's making me feel a bit funny.

I think the coast must be clear by
now.

Which way? This way.

Door.

Look through the drawers.

(PHONE RINGS)

What if someone comes and answers it?

(DISTANT DOOR OPENS)
DOMINIC: It just be important.

I'll be right back, butterfly.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

What's happening?

Yes, go on.

What did they say?

Right.

OK, I understand that.

They can't prove there's been a
murder if they can't produce a body.

Oh, fine.

Freddie, I don't think that you
should leave your door unlocked.

Mm.

OK, talk soon then.

Bye.

It's locked. No.

(MOBILE BUZZES)

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Hello.

Hi...matey.

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation
here.

Matey? Yeah.

I've got someone with me and we're
in a bit of a pickle.

(LOW CONVERSATION)

Doesn't sound promising. Yeah.

We're two storeys up and I don't
know how we're going to get out.

OK. Um...

This is what we're going to do.

(PHONE RINGS)

I'm so sorry.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello?
MAN: Privyet iz Moskvy.

Hello?
MAN: Vasha babushka na telefon.

MAN: Hello? Hello?

About time. Talk about hogging love
room number three.

I'm quite sure he'll fit in.

You can pick him up any time up
until eight o'clock.

About seven? Perfect.

Time to introduce Sykes to his new
chums.

Say goodbye, Sykes.

You be good. There's no alternative
at this establishment.

Seven o'clock then. OK.

A magical tree.

The willow.

Now one branch, separated from the
mother tree,

will regenerate itself if it's
planted in soil...

close to life-giving water.

You, you are all branches of your
own family trees.

And we are, all of us, a part of the
tree of life.

In the moment, attached to the past
and through us...

..the sap of future growth.

If our spirits are not free,

we are but wood on the bough.

Be your own tree.

ALL: Be your own tree.

Be your own tree.

Be your own tree.

(DISTANT) Be your own tree.

(DISTANT) Be your own tree.

Will you just look at them?

Huh. Not even going to work at this
time of year.

Symbolic, apparently. Yeah.

Now...

thrust it home firmly...

so that it may thrive and put down
roots...

and its body may grow and its limbs
reach towards the heavens.

Let the Oblong Foundation...

be your fertile ground.

Let us provide the nutrients for
your growth...

..and the full realisation of your
potential.

Wow.

I can really feel your spiritual
energy.

It's so strong.

Can you feel anything from me?

Er...

I think that's a yes.

You two, you have a natural bond, I
think.

The process has begun.

Ruth Lambert has asked me to
co-operate fully with you...

regarding giving you details of her
parents' financial situation.

When it comes to the Oblong
Foundation

she says there really is nothing to
explain.

Fair enough.

As executor of the Lamberts' will...

I discovered that there had been

a number of cash withdrawals over
the years from their accounts

amounting to hundreds of thousands
of pounds.

As the family lawyer, I mentioned
the possibility

of accusations of inheritance tax
avoidance to Ruth.

You thought they were evading tax?

No, it was something that happened,

oh, about 18 months before the
accident

that I mentioned to Ruth and she
thought I should mention to you.

Mention away. Jeremy Lambert was
thinking about lending some money

and he wanted to know the legally
binding nature of an IOU.

I said a promissory note would
provide the best protection.

I even offered to draft one for him

but he said they were just thinking
about it at this stage.

One or two months later he said he'd
changed his mind.

This wasn't mentioned in the case
reports.

Well, it wasn't relevant.

The explosion was an accident

and our position was that,

when there was a significant
withdrawal of cash,

the money had gone on gambling.

That's a lot of flutters.

Indeed.

I told Carolyn they'd missed last
orders for food one evening and they
were upset.

Told us what very special customers
they were

and how they deserved special
service.

I said if you don't like the service
go elsewhere

cos I don't want you around here.

And the pub's all the better for it.

I'm financially secure enough not to
have to worry about the custom from
people like the Lamberts.

Paddy, is there any chance that you
can change the gas bottle?

Oh, hello.

Claire's doing a big barbecue at the
weekend.

Likes to be prepared, don't you, my
love? I don't want to run out.

You want to mind what you say.

Mr Barnaby's reinvestigating the
deaths of the Lamberts.

Anyone handy with that kind of thing
will be on his list of suspects.

I'm not so sure about that.

There's a major difference between
barbecues,

which are out in the open, and boats
-

enclosed airtight spaces...

in which leaking gas collects like
water in a pond.

I think the chief inspector's more
likely to be interested

in those with a knowledge of leisure
craft rather than barbecues,

like you and me.

The difference being I didn't have
anything against the Lamberts -
unlike some people.

Well, the two of us hate boats.

Avoid them at all costs, don't we,
love?

Yeah, we're not their biggest fans.

Do you know of anyone locally who may
have borrowed money from the
Lamberts?

Borrowed money? I think that's a bit
unlikely.

They were good at spending on
themselves but tight when it came to
other people.

They owned half the village but I
don't recall them buying a round.

Not bad tippers though.
(MOBILE RINGS) Feudal throwbacks.

Excuse me.

Jones, how's it going?

When I was trapped in Freddie's room

I heard Dominic on the phone saying
something like,

'They can't prove she's been
murdered if they don't find a body.'

Did you get the impression there was
a body? Difficult to say.

Listen, things are getting a bit...

..complicated down here.

What's happened?

This Ruth girl is getting very
trusting and I'm feeling a bit
uncomfortable with it.

Not going native on me, are you,
Jones?

She's vulnerable, sir. She's been
telling me about her parents' death

and how difficult she found coping
with it.

She's put all of their stuff in an
outbuilding

till she can face sorting it out.

Have you seen it? No, it's all locked
away.

TANNOY: Our network session is due
to start in five minutes.

Battery's going. Is Freddie back?

I haven't seen her yet.
Listen...I've got to go.

Who were you calling?

Don't you trust me, Cosmo?

TANNOY: This is your last call for
the social network session starting
in five minutes.

So, 8:30 on the 5th. Table for ten.

Wonderful. See you then. Bye.

Oh. Forgot to take a deposit.

Well, I'm sure they'll turn up.

We're not booked up anyway so it
doesn't matter.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, I'm fine. Absolutely fine.

You don't think mentioning about
boats

and how we didn't...like them...

You don't think that sounded a
little defensive?

Paddy, it was an accident.

That DCI doesn't seem to think so.
Everyone knows I didn't get on with
the Lamberts.

You and several dozen other people.

So what?

You're right.

TANNOY: Embrace your fellow students

and gain strength from their
imperfection.

Keep an eye on him.

TANNOY: But each spirit will be free

so we must move on to a new cluster.

We will honour and respect the real
you.

Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby,
Causton CID.

I need to speak to Ruth Lambert.

Actually, Freddie deals with all our
enquiries

and she's not here at the moment.
Isn't it up to Ruth?

Isn't personal responsibility what
the Oblong Foundation is all about?

TANNOY: Gain strength and move on.

If you don't want to speak to the
police without Freddie here that's
your prerogative.

I would like someone present.

Would you mind?

No problem.
TANNOY: Our spirit is refreshed

as we embrace our imperfection.

Has my solicitor been helpful?

She said you were looking into the
deaths of my parents again.

She has and we appreciate your
co-operation.

I was never really sure about the
coroner's verdict.

I'd never have got through it
without the foundation. Dominic and
Freddie were fantastic.

Well, there's a lot to sort out.

Practical stuff as much as anything.
I couldn't do any of that.

I put Mum and Dad's stuff in one of
old outbuildings.

Is that right?

Do you think I could...

have a look at your parents' things?

Are their personal papers here?

Some. All the financial stuff went
to the solicitor.

She was trying to cut down but there
were certain things she couldn't do
without a cigarette.

Having a drink and socialising were
the toughest.

And the telephone. She couldn't have
a phone conversation without
lighting up.

Couldn't do it.

Do you um...

do you have your mother's old mobile
phone number?

I'll just be a couple of minutes.

Mother's mobile phone number? Call
me.

I can't. My battery's gone dead.

All right. Meet on footpath by the
river tomorrow morning at seven. Sir.

I just need a phone number from Ruth
and then I'm done.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I'm really beginning to get the vibe
now.

That last session was bang on.

Respect the real you,

respect the real other.

Hang on. Totty alert. Three o'clock.

Oh, hi. Hi.

I was thinking... I'm not quite ready
for the day to end...

and I was wondering if you'd like to
spend some time with me.

Nice outfit. So why all the interest
in the parents' stuff?

Do you think they were murdered? Not
sure.

But I can see a way it could have
been done now.

If whoever it was knew about
Carolyn's smoking habits -

Oh. Sykes, here. Sykesy.

Day two with his minder. He'll be
looking like a mud rat. Sykes!

A smoking habit?

Whoever it was could have gone on to
the Lamberts' boat,

loosened the gas tube to the cooker

and made sure that the gas was turned
on at the bottle then waited.

All they had to do was phone
Carolyn's mobile

as she got on board knowing that she
wouldn't be able to talk...

without lighting up. Boom.

It would explain why they never found
any kind of remote detonator.

The near-perfect crime.

But the person with the biggest
motive would be your new girlfriend.

(GROANS)

She propositioned me last night. Oh.

Oh, I didn't do anything but...it's
doing my head in.

She is unlikely to be the murderer.

She put us on to her mum's compulsive
'lighting up on the phone' habit.

Perhaps Lucy discovered something
about the death of the Lamberts

and that's why she disappeared.

I don't think there's anything more
to find out about Lucy, sir.

What I overheard Dominic saying
doesn't mean they killed her.

They're worried other people will
blame them.

It doesn't mean there's a body.

Oh, my God.

I think perhaps you should stay...

at least until I've had this
identified.

Hi.

How are you doing?

A bit hurt, to be honest. A bit
wounded in the pride department.

But I had really good dreams last
night though. Did you have good
dreams?

Yeah.

You know, the fact you asked us to
wait last night,

well, it just makes me all the more
sure about you.

I won't take no for an answer
tonight though.

(I think you've pulled.)

Hi, Blaze. Are you in a good place
today?

Oh, yeah. Uber, uber good.

It's basically a forum,

an opportunity for people to feed
back their experience of the week.

Ah, just in time for roll call.

You'll have to take it yourself.
Why, what's happened?

I'll join you in a minute. Freddie.

We'll be unmasking an imposter.

We all like to make the most of
ourselves.

The well-cut suit that flatters the
figure of a gentleman.

And ladies who enjoy the benefits

that a good lift-and-separate bra
has to offer.

But, for me, I finally decided

I'm more Bruce Willis

than Arthur Scargill.

I'm finally being my own me.

Being my own tree.

ALL CHANT: Be your own tree.

Be your own tree.

Be your own tree.

Be your own tree.

Now, not everyone here is...

being as honest about who they are.

We have an imposter in our midst.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, Freddie has been in London
trying to persuade a certain tabloid
newspaper

not to put out...

a very negative story about us.

And she has discovered that one of
you...

..is not who you say you are.

But before Freddie returns

to reveal which one of you is a
tabloid journalist,

you have a brief opportunity...

to be honest with us.

(MUTTERING)

What?

Blaze...

..are you researching this story for
a national newspaper?

I've been trying to discover the
truth

about what happened to Lucy Oliver.

Do you have a problem with that?
Traitor.

Yeah? Yeah, well, I'm not the only
imposter here.

Because there's a private detective
in our midst,

investigating her disappearance as
well.

Yeah. And he is right here.

Yeah, because the Olivers told me.
Traitor.

(HUBBUB)

Just... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Lucy?

Freddie's dead.

It's OK, it's OK. Traitor. Shame on
you.

Please, stay where you are. Back
off.

I'm a police officer. Please.

Lucy, it's OK. Come on. Come with
me. It's OK. It's OK.

Dominic.

Is she dead?

She is.

I was staying with a friend in
London getting my head together.

Freddie kept sending me these
emails.

I didn't reply to any.

What were the emails about? She
wanted me to get in touch with my
mum and dad.

Talking about some tabloid story

that was going to be published
suggesting that I was dead

and how the foundation had something
to do with it.

Why didn't you get in touch with
your parents? I don't know.

It's just...
(DISTANCE CAR ENGINE)

Lucy, you had a row with Freddie the
night before you left. Is that right?

What was it that caused the row?

You know that Freddie and I were
having a physical relationship?

Go on.

One evening I let myself into
Freddie's room to surprise her...

..and I found her...

..counting money on the bed...

..loads of it, with the safe open
behind her.

What's this?

You should have knocked.

You said it was a non-profit-making
organisation.

I thought that any profits you made
went to charity.

They do. Some of them.

Obviously we have to consider

our own financial security.

This is a bit more than financial
security.

That's thousands and thousands of
pounds.

Don't be naive, Lucy, darling.

I couldn't believe it.

You mentioned a safe.

It was right there.

Sir.

Do you have any idea who might know
the combination?

Oh, sorry.

OK.

Your parents would like to see you.
I'll take her down.

Good to see you, Lucy.

Thanks. And you.

Possible financial motive, do you
think?

Any surprises? Time of death minutes
before the body was discovered.

Quarter of an hour max. Which would
give everyone in the barn an alibi.

What about Lucy? Oh, she had nothing
to do with it, I'm 99% certain.

Do you still want me to analyse the
bones you found?

Did you happen to notice whether
they were human?

Spare rib of pork. Picnic barbecue I
should think.

Ohh!

Don't you dare tell me you were just
doing your job.

Ben...can you leave this to me,
please?

You had an undercover police officer
here. What was he doing?

You know we were concerned about
Lucy's disappearance.

And you were so right about that,
weren't you?

I need to ask if either of you know
the combination to the safe in
Freddie's bedroom.

The safe? It was robbery?

We don't know. Opening the safe
could tell us.

I have no idea. Freddie dealt with
all that.

I didn't even know the safe existed
until Freddie found it.

Freddie definitely knew the
combination

because Lucy saw her with the safe
open.

I know she worked it out. She showed
me what was inside.

Would you mind if I spoke to Ruth
privately?

What was in the safe? Quite a lot of
money

and gold sovereigns and documents.

What documents? I asked Freddie to
deal with them.

I couldn't face it and Freddie was
good at all that financial stuff.

It would have been useful if you'd
mentioned the safe when we spoke
before.

None of the contents were included
in the estate so I...

I thought it best not to.

Did Freddie tell you how she managed
to open it?

I gave her all our birth dates. She
thought they'd be worth trying

because they used mine for the
burglar alarm.

But she didn't crack it straight
away.

She asked me about other numbers
they might have used.

It took her a couple of days.

Could you do something for me?

Could you write down the birth dates
for yourself and your parents

and any other numbers you might have
given to Freddie.

Any car registration numbers, phone
numbers.

It was a while ago.

This may well help us identify
Freddie's murderer.

And if your parents were murdered as
well, which I think they were,

it'll be their murderer too.

One last thing. I understand you
received a registered letter
recently. Who was it from?

It was from Mr Oliver.

He was asking if I knew anything
about Lucy, where she was.

I didn't.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Sorry to interrupt, sir.

You were really good, you know that?

You totally took me in.

I don't think Detective Sergeant
Jones took advantage of you

as much as he might have done.

I know that because he told me how
uncomfortable he was with the
situation.

Can I go now, please? You can go.

Mr Oliver would like to take Lucy
home now.

She needs a change of clothing. Just
keep us informed

if she wants to go anywhere.

Er...thank you.

What did Ruth say, sir?

She confirms Lucy's story.

The safe was full of money and gold
coins.

All part of the inheritance tax
avoidance.

But I also think it's possible

that the identity of our murderer is
in there as well.

How's that, sir? I think the
Lamberts lent money to somebody.

Avoiding paying them back could have
been the motive for their murders.

If the IOU was in the safe and
Freddie found it

it could be why she was murdered too.

The question is whether it has now
been removed.

Do we know what the loan was for?
No, just that it was kept very
secret for some reason.

Lucy.

Trust the real you.

(FRUSTRATED GROAN)

We could try them all backwards.

I don't understand why Ruth didn't
know anything about the safe and
combination.

You think she's lying? No, I don't
but...

Could there have been a clue in the
will, perhaps?

I wonder if Ruth would have a copy.

We could ask her.

All right, give it a try.

Me.

If you're worried I could have a go.

No, no, no. It's...fine.

I'm sure it's here somewhere.

I'm sorry about Freddie. We had no
idea it was going to happen.

Sad that we met the way we did.

For a while I thought it might have
been the...real thing.

Ah.

I suppose once I give you this
you'll have got all you need from me

and we'll be able to go our separate
ways. Ruth, Ruth.

I'm sorry we met the way we did as
well.

Broken. Can't be mended.

Shame but there we are.

Sir. Sir, I think we've got
something.

Freddie asked to see the will and it
looks like there is a clue in it.

Tell me. My parents weren't at all
religious

but they included a line in the will
which I thought was odd when I read
it.

We leave our daughter wealthy in
material terms but want to remind
her

that she'll be safe with the gift
she received when she first entered
the church.

Baptism. Do you remember the date?

A question Freddie asked. My parents
always made a point of telling me

that I was baptised one month to the
day after I was born.

The fifth...

of the sixth...

'81.

Apparently Lucy's not a suspect

despite being covered in the poor
woman's blood.

Putting her parents through hell.
Two months, was it?

I think it's because they're not
able to come to terms with her
sexuality.

Punishing them. Or because they were
right about the Obbies.

A parent can do almost nothing worse

than be right in circumstances like
that, uh? Mm.

A template for some kind of
confidentiality agreement

and a tenancy agreement for Malham
Hall

but no promissory note.

If someone got into the safe, would
they just take the promissory note,

not the cash and the gold
sovereigns?

It does seem unlikely. In which case,
if there's no promissory note here

there's no evidence there ever was
one

so we are back to square one.

Legalcontractsforyou.com.

Standard form.

Downloaded, just as you might
download

a standard template for a promissory
note...

if you didn't want to involve your
solicitor.

Did your parents have a computer?

You think someone murdered my
parents to get out of paying a loan
back?

I'm wondering whether Freddie found
the paperwork in the safe.

Perhaps she didn't mention it to you

because she decided she could use it
in some way herself.

She'd have told me if she found
evidence that someone had murdered
my parents.

At the time, 18 months ago,

everyone thought your parents death
had been an accident

but that changed when it became
public knowledge

that I was re-examining the case.

Then the person with the forgotten
debt

would no longer just look lucky.

They'd suddenly have a big motive...
for killing your parents.

Freddie would have been the only one
who knew about it.

OK, try searching for...

promissory or IOU.

Two files.

Try the more recent.

Would an unsigned computer document
be valid in court, sir?

The witness's name is there for a
reason. Try his number.

If he confirms the veracity of the
document it'll be admissible.

Thank you, Ruth. We'll be in touch.

Detective Sergeant Jones, Causton
CID.

I'd like to speak a Mr Max Fuller,
please.

I see. Can you tell me what the
circumstances were?

The date. Get the date. Do you know
what date it was when this happened?

OK, thank you. I'll call you back.

He was stabbed to death at his flat.

Sounds like an aggravated burglary.

It was the night of the boating
accident.

And the killer was never
apprehended.

No. I think it's time they were.

(BUZZES)

What have Claire's old invoices got
to do with anything?

A catering job that Claire did for
the Lamberts

three-and-a-bit years ago on their
boat.

She could have learned enough about
the gas system to make an explosion.

Don't be ridiculous. Claire?

(DISTANT CONVERSATION)

..which is how, 18 months later,

she got into the boat so easily to
access the gas system.

You weren't entirely truthful when
you said you were financially secure.

You had no money to speak of when you
met Claire.

She produced the money for the pub
and it was borrowed from the
Lamberts.

And when you barred the Lamberts from
the pub they wanted their money back.

No, no, no. You're totally wrong.

That was her savings. You're totally
wrong.

She'll tell you. She's probably out
in the garden. I'll get her.

Claire?

Claire!

She would have told me. Why wouldn't
she tell me?

(DOOR CREAKS)

Sir.

Claire?

(FAINT HISSING)

Stay where you are.

(HISSES)

What are you doing? Paddy, I really
mean it.

Paddy, stay still.

There's enough gas in here to cause
quite a bang.

So...

you killed the Lamberts?

And Freddie. And a man called Max
Fuller.

You know about Max? I'm impressed.

His name was on the promissory note.

How many copies of that were there?
It was on the Lamberts' laptop.

Max Fuller was the witness to the
contract

and, once the Lamberts were dead,

the last person left who knew about
the loan.

One thing I don't understand is

why the Lamberts were so willing to
bankroll the pub.

The last tenants made a mess of it
and it looked like it would close.

They auditioned you on the boat.

They had a couple of friends down
from London.

'The Lamberts had tasted my cooking
at a local event...'

Smelling good down there.
'..and wanted me to take over the
pub.'

They lent me the 85 grand

on the condition that no-one,

not even my own husband, was to know
about it.

Because the money came from the
secret hoard

they were stashing away to avoid
inheritance tax.

It was all going so fine...

..until you barred them.

And then they demanded their money
back.

Couldn't you have borrowed it from
somewhere else to pay them back? I
did.

I found a bank to lend me the money.
I was going to meet them on the
boat,

exchange a bankers draft for the
promissory note -

when the bank changed their mind.

Don't move!

Please don't move.

I phoned the Lamberts...

..and I asked them for more time.

But they refused and they said
they'd be taking me to court.

So you killed them.

Well, I hadn't um...intended to
initially.

I went on to the boat that evening
when they were out

to see if they'd left the promissory
note on board.

It was only after I found it that
I...

thought about disconnecting the gas
pipe.

'Night. Good night.

(FAINT HISSING)

(MOBILE RINGS)

Yes?
About our agreement.

I wondered if you might - Oh, wait a
mo, can you?

I'll wait, Carolyn.

JERRY: What's that smell?

And that meant the witness, Max
Fuller, had to die.

They used a London business
acquaintance of Jerry's

because they didn't want any risk of
it being mentioned to locals.

But his address was on the document.

I had to do it straightaway

before he heard about the accident
and mentioned the loan to anyone.

Yes? I'm really sorry to bother you.
I don't know if you remember me.

My name is Claire Powell. I'm a
friend of the Lamberts.

Yes, of course. This is a surprise.

Well, my car has been stolen.

How awful. I'm so sorry to bother
you.

Not at all. Come on up. It's the
third floor.

(BUZZER)

(DISTANT OPERA)

You could probably do with a drink.

Argh!

Who are you?

I don't understand.

I know.

You always wanted to be in charge.

In control.

But you never really were, were you,
bubs?

You never really did anything...
except talk.

You always talked well. I like that.

I had to fix things...

so we could go on pretending.

And Freddie?

Um...

she said that she wouldn't mention
the loan to anyone if I helped her
out.

But I had to get her copy of the IOU

and make sure there weren't any
more.

I told her I had the identity of an
imposter...

and that I wanted the copy of the
IOU in exchange for the name.

She thought it was a journalist but
the name I was going to give her...

was Sergeant Jones.

I recognised him outside the post
office with Ruth.

The only copy.

May I?

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

So,

the imposter's name -

I knew everyone would be at roll
call

but, in the event,

I was just seconds away from being
seen.

Lucy was coming up the front stairs
as I went down the back.

I ran home through the woods.

Paddy hadn't even woken up.

It was perfect.

So...what now, Claire?

I'd really like to let you out
but...

..but if I open the doors again...

..there's not going to be enough gas
for this to work.

At least let Paddy out.

No. No.

What would I do?

Where would I go?

No, no, no. I'll...

I'll stick with Claire.

Go out with a bang.

Actually, I don't think there's
enough gas in the room

to cause an explosion.

I don't think you changed the gas
bottle, Paddy, did you?

No, that's where you're wrong.

He did because he told me he did.

Please.

(GASPS FOR AIR)

(SOBS)

(SOBS)

So, thank God Paddy was a lazy,
good-for-nothing husband.

Everybody has their place in this
world.

Come on. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Mr Barnaby, Mrs Barnaby.

Afternoon. Getting my sister up to
speed on what happened today.

George is good at keeping me up to
date with confidential stuff. Yes,
thank you, Millie.

I hear you and your sergeant had a
pretty close call.

I blame it all on George.

It wouldn't have come to light
without his intervention.

I hope Sykes didn't disgrace himself.

He did make amorous advances towards
two of my bitches

which wasn't the best of starts.

But I think, from Sykes' point of
view, it was top banana.

Consider him part of the pack.
Fantastic news. Thank you.

Well, we're going for a walk. Come
on Tor, come on Fidget. George.

Good job, by the way. Thanks.

And I don't think I thanked you for
er...putting in a word.

Oh, call it a parting gift.

I've decided I'm going to do some
more fishing.

Like Tom. He suggested a holiday in
Ireland.

Guinness and trout. Sounds good.

Tom is a hard act to follow.

You're getting there. Come on,
George.

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