All language subtitles for L Aile Ou La Cuisse (Louis De Funes, Coluche)

Every year, a big event sets
the publishing world in a whirl.

Within a couple of days, a million copies
of the same book roll off the presses.

It's not the most recent book of a
successful author. It's the Duchemin Guide.

Its famous red and blue cover
appears in every bookshop...

...in the space of a few hours.

Millions of copies
are flown all over the world...

...for future tourists...

...who won't visit France
without this bible...

...that allows them to exchange...

...their dollars, their pounds,
their escudos, their roubles...

...or any other currency...

...for the fine specialties
of French cuisine.

The decisions of the Guide make it to the
front page of the big newspapers...

...that comment abundantly
on the stars...

...awarded to or taken
from the restaurants.

These decisions are irrevocable
and have given fortune...

...and international glory
to some of them.

But all of them, no matter how famous...

...fear a visit by one of the mysterious
inspectors of the famous Guide.

The Wing and the Thigh

Do you have room for me?
- Certainly.

Come this way.

The menu.

Hello? This is the Coquille d'Or,
that's right.

Are you sure?

Very well.

I'll warn them all immediately.
Thank you very much for your help.

There's an inspector from the
Duchemin Guide here. - Where?

The stout guy at table 5.
- Are you sure?

Did he have a coat on? - Yes.
- The coat for number 5.

Better warn the chef right away.

I'll take that.

I'd like to order.

Excuse me, sir, may I offer you
another dozen oysters?

Compliments of the house.

They are excellent, aren't they?

Well, thank you very much.

My order, please.

Some hors d'oeuvres to start with...

And we'd like to wish you bon app�tit.

Duck with peaches
on those little fingerlings...

...and first of all some mineral water.

Prepare yourself for a nice surprise.

My mineral water.

Put that ice in a bucket at table 5.
He's the Duchemin inspector!

You come back with that!
- Can't keep it too cold, can you?

No, to table 5. He's the
Duchemin inspector.

Looks lovely, but I didn't order that.
- It's a little extra.

Duchemin, table 5.

My mineral wa...

Isn't my tea ready yet?

To help you digest your bill,
may we offer you a small armagnac?

- The gentleman's coat.

Goodbye, sir.

I think we carried it off pretty well.
- Oh, we were lucky.

We did the best we could.
- Good thing you spotted him.

I can spot a Duchemin guy from
a mile away.

I can spot a Duchemin guy
a mile away.

Mr. Duchemin, Where to now?
Back to the office?

No, we're going to visit a Japanese
restaurant, called the Kobe.

Two lunches a day? Don't you
think you might be overworking?

In one month, the Guide will be out...

...and I'll turn over the firm to my boy.

You don't think my boy
is capable, is that it?

Sir, I haven't said a word.

Well, you pulled a face
and then you went...

But I assure you.

He's a very capable boy.
You'll find out. Go on.

Me too.

Victor, I want you to plant soy beans.
There, there and there.

Soy beans?
- Soy beans.

Good afternoon, sir.

Gentlemen, how are you?
Dubreuil.

Yes, sir?
- How was your meal at the Coquille d'Or?

Excellent lunch, very well served.

Too well, sir, maybe
they recognised me.

Oh well, have you made a report?
- It's right here, sir.

Maybe we should send someone else.
- No no, never mind.

Marguerite?
- Good afternoon, sir.

Did my telephone call come
at the right time?

Just right. Please write.

Japanese restaurant the Kobe:

Sukiyaki with teppanyaki followed
up with sashimi and sabu sabu...

...all of which seems to dance
before your very eyes.

Then, miraculously, it drops
down in front of you.

Yes? The photographer's ready.

Ok.

Hello, gentlemen.

Alright, is everything ready?
- Yes, mister Duchemin.

To begin with, I need some
inspiration: music.

No. I love Wagner.

But Wagner's for big game, like
wild boar and rhinoceros.

But for the small things
like chicken or lobster...

...you need something more
delicate, spiritual, subtle.

Now get with it.

Roland, do we have the Guide
ready by the date we announced?

There are still
a 100 restaurants to classify...

...but if our inspectors take big
mouthfuls, we'll be ready on schedule.

Have you decided about restaurant
the Petit Versailles? Do we remove a star?

It's hard to say. We have to
go back another time.

The tailor is waiting for you, sir.
- Alright, thank you.

If you like being received like
a dog in a bowling alley...

...risking your life with every
oyster you eat...

...having a heart attack
when you see the bill...

...go straight to the
D�lices de l'Oc�an.

Please.

If you insist on moving
around like that...

...your entry into the Academy
could be the end of my career.

I'll stop moving.
- Mister Duchemin, the studio.

Hello, yes, no...

Your dentist.
- How are you, Mr. Duchemin?

Are you sure the appointment
was for today?

Mister Duchemin, you're
not my easiest patient.

Yes, but can't we make it tomorrow?

Because today I feel all...

Mister Duchemin,
look at all that equipment.

But is this stuff really necessary?

Open your mouth, Mr. Duchemin.

Your mouth. Your mouth.

The test of the childrens' deserts, sir.
- Be right with you.

One out of twenty.

Two out of twenty.

- Zilch.
- Mr. Godfrois.

I came over to show you two of my
designs for the Academy sword...

...that you'll wear
at your presentation.

On the first, the pommel
represents a chicken thigh on a wing.

And on the second, it's
a chicken wing on a thigh.

That's perfect.
Extraordinary imagination.

The first one's very good.

The messenger is waiting, sir.

You must sign these right away.

That's very good.
Much better.

Mr. Duchemin, tonight you're
dining at the Richelieu Matignon.

You asked me to reserve you a table.

Is my son around?
- He's upstairs, working.

G�rard, are you in there?

What is all this?
- I was testing these eggs.

But you don't have to.
We eat in so many restaurants.

Leave the eggs to the laboratory.

Well, it's all part of my work.
- Once in a while you have to relax.

So tonight, you're having dinner there.
- Richelieu Matignon?

Three stars, order all their specialties.
The sky is the limit.

Maybe I can go tomorrow,
you see...

No, forget about those suburban
restaurants you've been testing.

You have a feast tonight.
First change your clothes.

Look at him!

Hasn't Roland come in yet?
- You're not getting married are you?

Hello.
Look what they did.

Roland, I've got a
small problem about tonight.

You mean you can't be there?
- No, but I've got to eat somewhere first.

I'll put all the acts on a bit late.
And you come in for the second part.

There's no point in that.
When Fissel's finished...

...he comes to the restaurant, takes
my place while I come back here.

G�rard, when are you going to choose
between the circus and the Guide?

It's got to be one or the other.

You should be glad
we've got those Guide books.

Because we couldn't live on
the gate receipts.

That's because everybody's broke
in these small towns.

That's the problem. The money I
earn there saves us.

You have to pick one or the other.
- I'd pick this right now...

...if I could just break even
each month.

The restaurant reports
from this afternoon.

Good evening, sir.
- The melon with port...

...the egg in jelly,
mackerel in aspic...

...p�t� de foie gras,
crayfish in broth.

Instead of the foie gras?
- No, I want both.

No, no, that's not all.
Grilled mullet..

...and the Bresse chicken
And some calf's head. No, the beef filet.

No, first the beef and then
the calf's head.

The sauerkraut.
Is it very good here?

One of our specialties.
-Ok, bring me a small plate of it.

Very well, sir. - I'm in a bit of a rush.
Would you ask the chef to hurry?

Certainly, sir.

Look at my dress.
This is unbelievable.

Where are you going?
- It's ok, I'm expected.

You're not too early.
- This place was so far away.

Give him what I ordered.
Don't forget the receipt.

Who wants to play with Jumbo?
- Me. Me.

Jumbo wants to pick his own partner.

Jumbo, go ahead.
- Ok, Jumbo.

He's thirsty.

Drink, Jumbo.
No, he doesn't want it.

Jumbo, go on.

Jumbo stole the bottle.

Come on, sir, Jumbo chose you.

A free shave.

Go on, Jumbo, go ahead.

Stop, you made a mistake.
He's the President of the country.

Ok, we have to clean him.

Here we go.

It's not him. It's not him.

Yesterday, when I mentioned my son
you pulled a face.

I assure you...
- You pulled a face and then you went...

That boy ate three lunches
yesterday and three suppers...

...at the Richelieu Matignon.
Here's the bill. Watch where you're going.

He even had some dishes twice
because he's a professional.

Wait, stop, Henry.

Go park your ass back there.

What'll you have?

Salad of tomatoes and
an entrecote bordelaise.

With coca cola?

Where are the toilets, please?
- In the back to your left.

Just follow the flies.

What are you doing here?
- I'm trying to find the toilets.

Does this seem like a toilet to you?
- No, no.

In the back to your left.

The bill, please.

Keeps the riffraff out.

Look, Gautier,
analyse this for me.

Yes, sir, right now.

Lapr�, your tour of
the province...

Yes, sir, I was wondering if
I could talk to you about that.

It looks like all the big restaurants
are being bought up by a large company.

And one which is not
interested in good food.

Which company?
- I think it's the Tricatel chain.

But they sell junk food on the highways
and in factory cafeterias.

I suppose they're branching out.

This could be very important.
Are you sure of your facts?

I haven't seen any written agreement,
but I have friends who hear things.

But I must know what's going on.
The Guide comes out in one month.

I can't be put in the ridiculous
position of giving out stars...

...to someone who sells junk food.

Can I help you?
- I'm the plumber, checking the radiators.

Plumber. I have to regulate
those things.

I'll be right back.

Come in.

Excuse me for disturbing,
but regarding that plumber.

What plumber?
- He's checking the radiators.

Alright, so what.
- The point I'm making...

Spit it out.
- He's a phoney plumber, sir.

I used to be a plumber,
so I noticed right away.

Marguerite.
- What is it, sir?

There's a plumber here for the
radiators. Did you call him?

No, those radiators were fixed
two weeks ago.

Yes, sir.
- Keep very calm, Dubreuil.

Now listen to every word.

Don't say a word.
Understood?

No, I don't understand, sir.
- What did I say? You want to get fired?

In that case I understand, sir.
- Wonderful, I may keep you.

- The plumber is still there, right?
- Yes, he's still here.

Dubreuil!
- I get it sir, I get it.

Act very natural, as if...

...I've just given you a big raise.
- Thanks, Mr. Duchemin.

We'll talk later. Now listen
carefully to what I say.

Walk out of the office and
lock the plumber in.

Right away, sir.
- Now repeat after me.

Come to your office for a drink?
How very kind, sir.

Come to your office for a drink?
How very kind, sir.

I'm waiting for you.
- Do I repeat that too?

Idiot. Get everybody.
We've got him by the...

Capture him.
He'll go through the window.

Get him. Quick.

Stop. No, stop.

Marguerite!

My chandelier.
- Mr. Duchemin!

Take him to the editing room.
And tie him up.

Quick, a ladder.

Hold on to something, Marguerite.
Forget about the ladder.

My leg.
- Does it hurt?

Call an ambulance.

But the Guide comes out in a month.

We'd better call a secretarial agency
and get someone to replace you.

Leave me alone with him.

Who sent you over here
to get this?

Tell me who it was.

Here.

How much are they paying you
to do this?

I'll give you 200 francs.

Just tell me who sent you over here.

He refuses to talk. Get you car
and wait for me outside.

But I... - No buts.
- Yes, papa. Do I change clothes?

Do we still have the layout
for last year's edition?

Of course we do, sir.
- Right, listen.

Our friend will escape and
you let him do it.

He won't be very long.

After him. We can't lose him.

Not so close or he'll know
he's being followed.

Faster, faster, he's getting away.
- Alright.

Step on it.

Careful, he's turning left.

There's another traffic light.
- Never mind that.

Make sure he doesn't give
you the slip.

Hello, Lambert.
You've got it?

Do you realise what this means?

We'll know who gets the stars
before they do.

Which means we buy the best
and leave the rest.

Mr. Tricatel, perhaps
I shouldn't say this, but...

...you are a genius.

I don't mind anybody speaking the truth.

How much did you pay him?
- Not much, ten thousand.

Well, I paid 32 francs.

You've just bought the layout
copy of last year's Guide, idiot.

I'm sorry... I mean...
- Come here.

Come here.

The glasses.

- Stop.
- Why?

I'll tell my union if you do it again.
- You must admit you deserved it.

Perhaps, but this is enough.
- Keep calm, Lambert.

We'll discuss it, ok?

Are you looking for someone?
- A man with a beige suit with checks.

What's it about?

It's about this. He lost this.
So I brought it here.

Must belong to Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert's Mr. Tricatel's assistant.
He'll be very glad to get it back.

Do you want to write your name?
- Yes, no, no.

Thanks.
- You're welcome.

And?
- I lost my pen.

But I found out who sent the guy.

Yes?
- The guy's name is Lambert.

Lambert?
Who is this Lambert?

He's the assistant of the boss, Mr. Tricatel.
- Tricatel?

Jacques Tricatel?
- Yes, the highway guy.

My son, I think this
Tricatel is going to pay.

Mr. Bouvard, Charles Duchemin on the telephone.
- Did you say Duchemin? - Yes.

I don't believe it.

Hello?
- How are you, Mr. Bouvard?

You may remember asking if
I'd like to do a guest appearance...

...on your tv show, "No Holds Barred".

I remember, but you
always refused.

Well, now I accept.

Fantastic, I'm very happy about it.

On one condition: I want as my
opponent Jacques Tricatel.

Well, no problem.
Tricatel against Duchemin.

Everyone in the country will watch that.
Except... if he doesn't want to.

Well, that's your problem.
But maybe I can advise you...

...on the right way to go about it.

Give Tricatel the impression
the whole thing is his own idea.

You wouldn't believe how
pleased I am, Mr. Bouvard.

I'm so very pleased and
I'm also flattered...

...to be the star of your show.

It's my pleasure, really,
I'm very much obliged.

People of your calibre
are very rare today.

You're absolutely right.
I could have been a tv star.

I've been told that.
But then you'd be out of work.

Sit down, Mr. Bouvard.
- Thank you.

One question: where do we find
an adversary of my stature?

That's our problem. I can't match wits
with just anybody.

Certainly not. I made out a list of people
you might accept as your opponent.

They're the top names in your field.
- Let's see.

Lacour? Ridiculous.

Gallavair, I could destroy him
in about three minutes.

Lots, Lampolle, Jean...

Why did you cross this one out?
- Which one?

There. Duchemin.
- No, it wouldn't be fair.

He's not tough enough for you.

What do you mean?
Duchemin's a perfect opponent.

Yes, but suppose he won't do it.

Well, I guess you'll have to be
rather hypocritical about it.

Make him think
he's the one who thought of it.

You see what I mean?

Not bad, Mr. Tricatel.
Are you any relation to Machiavelli?

No, not at all. I didn't get any help
from anybody. I made myself what I am.

You men will have to give your utmost
cooperation in the next few days.

After which you'll thank me for whipping
you into perfect condition.

You all know my adversary.
The man is sinister.

Up to now, we have ignored him.

An error which could have
a disastrous effect.

The danger grows every day.
We must all give our utmost...

...to meet the hated enemy
without fear.

This is the time for bravery and strength.

I know it's difficult, but
you have to eat it. It's from Tricatel.

The maximum in information.
Very detailed reports.

I must find out everything I can
about his food.

Don't let me down. Begin.
Enjoy your meal.

I'm giving you a chance to redeem yourself.
- Thank you, Mr. Tricatel.

I want you to follow Duchemin.
I know he's very interested in me.

I want you to see what
he's up to, Lambert.

So, I follow him everywhere.
- Bravo, Lambert.

And report all your information to me.

You may count on me, Mr. Tricatel.
So, when do I start?

When you've finished the other shoe.

I have to speak my mind.

As your son, I must be honest with you.

I've been kidding you for some time.
Pulling faces at me won't help you.

I'm quitting this
for another career.

Marguerite.
- Yes?

Who are you?
- I'm your new secretary, temporarily.

What's your name?
- Marguerite, what's yours?

Duchemin, but Sir to you.
- Ok.

How old are you?
- 22, how old are you?

Do you do shorthand?
- Yes, a little bit.

Languages?
Parl� italiano and I speak English.

Muy bien. Take this down.

If you want to die
of a stomach ulcer...

...in less time than it takes
to mention...

...a new restaurant
in the Paris suburbs.

I have to say something that's
very important.

She's temporary.
Her name's Marguerite.

She's replacing
the other Marguerite.

Did you have something to say?

Yes, but...

That's my son.
- Are you sure?

Stop that. Carry on.

The hors d'oeuvres are so bad...

...the worst dishes you have ever seen.

This is offered every day
except Sunday, when they're closed.

Is something wrong?
- No, I was just thinking.

I forgot, tomorrow I'm doing a tour
of the province.

That will be nice.
- And it's very important you come too.

Alright, sure.

No, absolutely impossible.
I'm sorry.

I've got a whole lot of...
- Oh well, too bad.

It's my last trip and I wanted
you to come along.

I'll teach you a thing or two.

I'd like to, but...
- No? - No.

Where was I?

Miss? I'll have a bit of dictation
tomorrow morning.

At your service.

Ok. Do you live far from here?
- Yes, will you take me there?

Sure.
- My feet hurt. I'm glad you came by.

This doesn't bother you?
- No.

In Holland, we always wear clogs.

You're Dutch?
- Yes.

- Are you always this quick with
new secretaries?

You don't look the kind of guy
who jumps on everything that's female.

Shy?

Would you like to
have lunch tomorrow?

I'd like to, but your father...

...wants me to go with him
on the tour.

Tomorrow? - Yes.
- Tomorrow you're going with my father?

Just for a couple of days.
Another time maybe, ok?

Thanks.

Dad, I managed to put off my
appointment, so I can come after all.

Great, then Marguerite
can stay here.

Marguerite can come with us too.
She might be useful.

Ok, yes.

How are you, G�rard?
- A beer, please.

Tomorrow were going. - Where to?
- I'm doing a tour with my father.

So you make the same tour
and we'll join up every evening.

You must be joking.
- The fresh air will be good.

A little bird tells me that
a certain number of restaurants...

...some of which are among
the finest in France...

...are in danger of being taken over
by the Tricatel company.

This sinister person is not going to stop.

He wants to annihilate the last
vestige of fine cuisine.

Or perhaps Tricatel wants to prevent
us from making odious comparisons.

Pardon me, sir. I think
we're being followed.

Followed? By whom?

The white car, sir. It's been
there for a couple of hours.

Alright, slow down and we'll see.

I can shake him off if you want.

How?
- By going fast. - Oh, no.

Are you able to?
- Don't worry, sir.

It's already too late.
- No, go ahead.

Ok, fasten seatbelts.
Away we go.

Henri, a bit more careful, please.

We just might make it, sir.

No.

You're not too afraid?
- No, I love it.

And you?
- Me too, me too.

We must make sure they
don't recognise us.

How's this? I'll be playing
the rich father...

...going along with the
newly weds on their honeymoon.

I thought of everything.

Put these wedding rings on and
we'll fool everybody.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.
I reserved 3 rooms.

One for me, one for the newly weds
and one for the driver.

Under which name.
- Mr. de N�d�lec.

Are you having dinner here?
- Yes, absolutely.

G�rard and I here.
And Marguerite across the hall.

I'd like to spend our wedding night
with my husband.

I must be getting old.

My son and my daughter-in-law
there and me here.

Not bad.

I'll take this one.
- Me too.

What are you waiting for?
- I was unpacking.

Go across the hall.
You're here to work.

Dinner's in one hour.

No, that's my bed.

Come in.

You took my bag.
- Wait, I'll get it.

You took my bag.
- Really?

You see?
- I'll go get your bag.

Here.
- Thanks.

It's not my bag. It's yours.

What are you doing here?
- This is my room.

No, it's my room. My bed.
My son sleeps there.

Very well, whatever you say.

Marguerite, that's your room.

You there.
- I'm carrying her bag. - My bag.

And what should I do with this one?

I already told you. It's simple.

My son and his wife there
and me here.

G�rard, my bag.

Analyse everything you eat.

Romanais Courtis, 1964.

It has character. Sits well on the palate.
You may serve.

Pissel, warn G�rard.
He's eating with his father

Do I take his place?
- Are you crazy? Be discrete.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

A table full of art lovers, I can tell.

Buy my drawings now,
while they're still cheap.

This first drawing
represents a circus.

There's not a lot of people.
- We don't want anything.

Hold on a moment.
Here we have a clown. A sad clown.

Very sad.

Wait, wait.
You'll love this one.

What's this one?

A comedian who's absent.
An absent member of the troupe.

We've been waiting for him
a long time.

How long do we have to wait for this guy?

This is not a flee market.

Incredible.
- So sorry.

I have to make a phone call.
Excuse me.

Well?
- It's them. Table 5.

That's the son.

We're going to clean him up, ok?

It's not him.

I'm sorry.
- That was long.

I'd explain the whole thing,
but it's a bit complicated.

I looked for you, but
you weren't there.

That's because I prefer to use
an outside phone.

It's more discrete and private.

That was a strange supper
we had last night.

I thought it was very mediocre
at the beginning.

The food was tasteless,
presented very pretentiously.

But the second part was tremendous.
So maybe someone spotted me.

You may be right. Can we act like
we're married again?

No, I have another plan for tonight.

Good afternoon, sir.
- We've reserved 3 rooms.

- For the Baron de la Cournelle? - That's it.

Madam. - Have you got someone
to help with our bags?

I'm sorry. I don't have
enough staff.

Could you please do it yourself?
- I'll get it.

Please, let me get that.

Nice people to work for, no?

Yes, much nicer than they used to be.

Not bad at all.
You? - Very good.

Quite. - Really excellent.
- Something's wrong.

You can only get this in France.

It's been done in beer.

What is he doing?

What are you doing?

Dad, the owner's coming.

Mr. Baron?
A phone call for you.

Ok.

Does the Baron want me to
go in his place?

That's very nice of you, Mr....
Henri, you go and get that.

Hello?
- Good evening, Duchemin.

How's your tour going?

Don't you have a phone booth?
- Somebody's using it.

Do you want to give
the Baron a message?

Yes, that's a marvellous idea.
- I'm listening.

It's amazing, don't you think?
With a name like Duchemin...

...that you have a son who's
a circus clown?

Could you repeat that?
- You understood, old fox.

Your son will go out tonight.

Pretending to use the phone.
Follow him. Watch were he goes.

Who is this?
- "No Holds Barred", my friend.

I'll pass the message on, sir.

A prank call, Mr. Baron. - Alright.

Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Me too.

Me too.

For the next number, we
must have a volunteer.

Who'll be our volunteer.
- Me...

I don't hear anything, children.
Ok, Jumbo himself will choose.

Come on, Jumbo, choose.

And Jumbo chooses
this gentleman.

Sit down here, sir.
Get him ready.

Now Jumbo is going to
give you a free shave.

Well done, Jumbo.

That's it, Jumbo.
Go ahead.

You've just made a big mistake.

Shame on you.

But that man's the
President of the country.

We'll wash his face, shall we?

Did I hurt you, dad?
- Don't worry. - Alright.

You could have told me
in a different way.

I tried to, but I
was never able to.

Have you done this for a long time?

Remember when I took drama lessons?

Yes. - You weren't too
happy about that.

I let you make your own choice
and you stayed with me.

Anyway, that's when I started this.
- And is it working?

It's picking up. - The shaving cream
routine gets a good laugh? - Yes.

So if I took the bucket and emptied
it, everyone would laugh?

Maybe, yes.

The routine failed.
- And so did you.

Maybe you didn't want
them to laugh.

I have to want them to?
- That's right.

I don't want to make anybody laugh
and I don't want to laugh myself.

So, continue with your...

Goodbye.

You're fired.

On with the show.

Pardon me. Do you mind?
- You didn't finish your dinner.

I wasn't hungry. It was very good.
- You have to finish. Finish it all.

Let me pass. - No.
- What no?

You'll follow me to the kitchen.
- Don't touch me.

Eat. - I won't eat.
- Yes, you will.

What's going on here?
- Mr. Duchemin.

Who?
- Mr. Duchemin.

Le Relais Des Cigales, my restaurant.
You don't remember?

Italian specialties. Packed every day.
And you took away my 2 stars.

Now do you remember?
You ruined me. Eat.

Not very good, is it?
- Quite bad, actually.

Now I'm only the manager.

And we only serve crap all day.

But Le Relais Des Cigales
also served crap.

Sure, but I made that crap myself.

You mean you didn't make this?
- No.

Every morning, they send it
from the factory.

Have you finished?
- Yes, I'm fine, thanks.

You haven't finished. There's
more crap you haven't tasted yet.

Gina, escargots.
- No.

I'm not hungry.
- Eat.

Go on. Aren't they revolting?

Eat another one.

Terrible, no?
Gina, the oysters.

There we are. Go on, there's only 3.
Left by a customer.

Go ahead, taste them.
Come on, eat them.

What's wrong?

Looks nice.
Easy.

How pretty.
- Are you sure these are fresh? - No.

But there are only 3.

Three.
The cassoulet.

The sauerkraut.
- Oh, no.

Eat!

The boiled rooster.

The boiled rooster.

Eat!

Well, disgusting food, no?

I can't get used to it.
- You'll have to.

There's more to come.
Now a bit of desert.

Try a little.
- No. - A little bit.

You must. You're going to eat
everything in the kitchen.

I can't!

So what do we do now? Keep on
travelling or go back to Paris?

We'll see tomorrow.

Hi, were you out there?
- Yes, I saw the whole thing.

You weren't the one who
told my father, were you?

No, I swear.
Anyway, I didn't know.

Is all this yours?
- Yes, more or less.

Don't you need a secretary?

We don't make very much and my
father's going to cut me off completely.

I'll make you an offer.

What are you waiting for? - I can't go
back to my room. My father's there.

He kicked me out.
- You can sleep with me.

With you?
- Yes, in my room.

Don't be afraid. We'll be fine.

Just as friends, alright?
- Ok, as friends.

Don't make any noise.
I don't want to walk into my father.

Dad, what's going on?

What is this?

What's wrong?

Hospital...
- What, hospital?

You can't imagine...

Henri, can't you go a bit slower?
- You told me to go as quickly as possible.

It was awful, Henri.
He had a machine gun.

I ate a mountain.
G�rard.

Yes, dad.
- You won't let me down now, will you?

But dad, you just fired me, remember?
- At least wait until the tv show.

I will and then you can fire me
when you want to.

Now you must eat, Mr. Duchemin.
Look at this lovely food.

Some other time. Not now.
- I'll give you an injection...

...to give you back
your appetite.

No, not an injection.
The doctor promised.

He's the one who ordered it.
- Liar!

I hate injections.
Doctor.

I see you're doing better.
- One more, Mr. Duchemin.

One more, one more.
- No, no.

G�rard. - Yes, dad?
- You taste it. What is that?

It's beef. - Has it got a taste?
- Yes a taste of beef.

Those are string beans.
- Do they have a taste?

Yes, they taste like string beans.

Go to this restaurant
and order everything I put down.

And I eat it all?
- No, have it delivered here.

What for?
- For me.

I found them again.
- Ah, not a moment too soon. Where is he?

In a hospital.
- A hospital? What's he doing there?

He's being treated.
- Treated for what?

I don't know.
- But you must find out!

But how?
- I don't care how.

I know all these dishes
perfectly well.

Let me try one of these dishes at
random and don't tell me anything.

Let's go.
- Open.

Your hand.

Another beer.

Your hand.

G�rard, my taste buds are gone
- No...

I have no more sense of taste.

It's like eating cotton and drinking water.

Remember how I could recognise
every ingredient? Now, absolutely nothing.

What kind of injections were they?
- The ones you said, doctor.

It's a tragedy, doctor.
I lost my sense of taste.

I can't taste fish or meat. Nothing.

Wine tastes like water.
What's wrong with me?

What's it all about?
- Ageusia.

Who's that?
- From the Greek word geusia, taste.

Total or partial disappearance
of the sense of taste.

The condition might go on for a long time.

This is a catastrophe, doctor.

No, no, we'll give you the finest treatment.

But tomorrow, I appear on
a tv show against Tricatel.

And then I'm being received
by the French Academy.

If anyone finds out that Duchemin,
prince of gourmets...

Director of the Guide Duchemin,
has lost his taste...

Ageusia.
- Ageusia?

He suffers from ageusia.

'A' stands for 'no' and 'geusia' for 'taste'.

He's lost his.

Sure, ageusia, loss of taste.

What? Duchemin's lost
his what? - Taste.

His taste buds don't work anymore.
It's ageusia.

Are you sure?
- I saw him.

He's afraid people will find out.

Duchemin has no more sense of taste?

He doesn't want anybody to know?

Excuse me, miss.
Mr. Duchemin's room, please.

With a D.

Room 179. That's on the 3rd floor.
- Thank you.

Dad! - What's wrong?
- The reporters are coming.

In here?
- Well, they have to climb the stairs first.

We've got to get out of here.
- How? How?

Yes, good point.
Ok, wait for me.

Let's take the stairs.
- Yes, the service stairs.

They're coming. Hurry.

Quick, lie down on this.

What? There's no one here.

Look, his name's on the chart here.

Are you alright, dad? - Were are we going?
- To the parking lot.

That's him. Quick.

Dad?

No, don't touch him.
- That's not him.

Where is he?
- Come on.

What's this.

What's this?

I don't want my picture taken.
Don't insist.

There he is.

Hurry, dad.

There we are.

Now you're safe. Those
reporters won't look here.

I can't sit around in my pyjamas.
- Why not?

What if I go out?
- Ok, I'll call Marguerite...

...and ask her to bring you a suit.
- But in the meantime?

Until then, you sit here.
And I'll get you something.

That's Suzy, she's
my friend.

Try these on.
Come on.

Come on, sweetheart.

That's daddy. Not a lot less strange
than pyjamas. - But now I can go outside.

Dad, were are you going?
Where are you going?

Let me go. I have to find
something or Tricatel will...

Find what?
- The factory. - What factory?

There's a factory somewhere.
Everything comes from there.

That's the only way
I can save myself.

But you're not well enough
to do this.

I can't even get angry anymore.

You can't get angry anymore?
Well, I can.

Go to the wagon, take your
medicine and wait for me.

Ok.

But if this factory's so well guarded,
how are we going to break in?

I've already figured it out,
but it's too risky for you.

So I'm too old now?
All washed up, finished?

That's not what I meant.

But it's dangerous, very dangerous.
-Don't worry, go right ahead.

Are you alright, dad?
- I'm dizzy.

Dad.
- Close it.

Close it quickly.
- No, I'm hanging here.

Marguerite, close it now.

Dad, we're landing in the middle
of the factory.

Has my opponent still
not arrived yet?

No, Mr. Tricatel, but don't worry.

He's saving his energy until
the last moment. I know him.

He's right.
I know some stories I could tell you.

Oh? What does that mean?
- You'd be surprised.

Well, we've got 20 minutes to wait.
You'll be sitting there.

Right here?
- Yes.

I can't wait to begin.

Easy, easy.
- See, it went well.

Go ahead.

- Why do you send it back? - They can't
find it here. - But how do we get out?

We'll figure something out.
Come.

Hey chief, look.

Mr. Tricatel? - What?
- Excuse me for intruding. - Yes.

The security department
of the factory just called.

What? Is the factory on fire?
- No.

Two men managed to
get into the factory.

Well, turn them over to the police.
- It's Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin is in my factory?
- This very minute.

Shall I inform the police?
- No, you fool.

Those two must never
ever leave that factory.

Are you saying...?

We have some cans
left over, don't we?

Go on.

Ok.
- Let's go.

They've started production
process number 3.

Look at that.

Give it to me.

Come on, come on.

What's that?
- My alarm watch.

Why is it doing that?
- Time for my shot. - Already?

No. - You know you need it.

My watch. - What about it?
- Get it.

No, come on.

Get my watch.

G�rard.

G�rard, speak to me.

Nice and warm.

They're going into the laboratory.

Cubic chickens and cubic eggs.

Cubic eggs are much
easier to put in boxes.

And chickens without feathers.
- They've already been plucked.

Try this.

Tastes like petrol.
- That's what it is. Excellent.

Now watch.

Watch.

Here we are: meat.

You try it.
- Oh, no.

Don't catch up with them.
Push them towards the freezer.

Stay outside. There's only one
other way for them to get out.

We can go down there.

Come on, let's go.
- No, no, it's a trap.

It's a trap. Give me your tie.

Easy. Ok.

That's it.

It's all over.
You can go now.

It's locked.
- Wait, come here.

And you think they'll
open the door for us?

No, I expect them to do
everything to stop us.

So?

Who says we have to
go out through a door?

It worked.

The police.

They're coming straight at us.
- If they think I'm going to stop...

Good evening, sports fans.

Even though tonight's show was not
organised by an athletic organisation...

...I can assure you there is great
sport in store for you tonight.

So this evening, no holds are barred...

There are an extra 150 cans
at the factory tonight.

Perfect.
- Mr. Tricatel, you're up.

Entering now, on the left of
your screen, the emperor of fast food...

...the Napoleon of take-away: Tricatel.

Thank you, thank you.

On your right, you're going to see
the publisher of the guide with his name...

...author and feared critic:
Charles Duchemin.

Come on, we're going to be late.
- Don't do that, dad.

A little setback. Mr. Duchemin
hasn't arrived yet.

This cop-out doesn't
really surprise me.

And why is that, Mr. Tricatel?

He's afraid of me.

Because this humbug who attributes
you a star or takes a star away...

...who judges and condemns...

...this pompous little pretender to
the throne of our French cooking...

...this man is a humbug. And I say
that on good authority.

Duchemin can't tell between
a sole and a stew.

Between a great Bordeaux
and a little cider.

We have everything ready for a
test, on the table there.

If he shows up, that is.

Duchemin will not appear, because
he doesn't exist anymore.

I mean, what he represents,
doesn't exist anymore.

Complicated food,
for privileged people.

I feed millions of people
and tomorrow maybe the whole world.

Simple food.

Natural food.

And Duchemin is not going to
prove me wrong.

Well, Mr. Tricatel,
you were wrong.

Because Charles Duchemin has
arrived. Music.

So that's Duchemin?

It's an insult.
He's an impostor.

That isn't Duchemin.

Please, Mr. Tricatel, you're on tv.
A bit of dignity.

Dignity my ass. I want
the real Duchemin.

You're not Mr. Duchemin?

I'm G�rard Duchemin. Owner of
the Duchemin Guide.

The owner of that so-called Guide
is Charles Duchemin.

He was. He retired today
and I, his son, succeed him.

Retired today?
- Exactly.

But who can prove it?
- I can.

That's Charles Duchemin,
he has to pass the test.

No, I'm retired.
- Right, today.

From now on you deal only with him,
you murderer. - What?

You poisoner.

Just a minute. Just sit down.

And you, Mr. Duchemin,
since you have been replaced...

...it wouldn't be fair for
the both of you to remain here.

Absolutely, I'll disappear.

Don't worry, you'll do fine.
- Thanks, but I'm not the man you are.

I learned it all from my father,
like you did from me.

You can't throw that away.

Alright, I'll give it a try.

Shin of beef from Argentina,
3 years old.

Correct.

Turbot in wine,
slightly overcooked.

Correct.

Wine, supposedly from
the south of France...

...that's been adulterated with
Italian wine, Greek wine...

...and they added certain
chemical materials too.

Wine that Mr. Tricatel sells in abundance,
every day, unfortunately.

Careful. It stains.

Correct.

Excuse me, Mr. Duchemin.
I have something to show you. - To me?

Look, there.

I recorded it during a camera
rehearsal, before the show.

They managed to get into the factory.
- Well, turn them over to the police.

But the men inside are
Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin and his son are
in my factory, right now?

Mr. Duchemin, I think
you're son's having trouble.

No, that's not allowed.

That's not allowed.

Substantial body, good colour.
A great Bordeaux.

A bit of sedimentation, nobly suspended.
Impurities settle at the right speed.

This wine is 23 years old.
It's a '53. An outstanding year.

Wine is like the earth
and this is just a bit gravely.

It's a M�doc.
Wine is also sunlight.

It benefited from a magnificent position on
the western side of a gently sloping hill.

It's a Saint-Julien, Ch�teau
L�oville Las Cases, '53.

Correct.

It's your turn, Mr. Tricatel.
Let's see how good you are.

Out of the question.
I'm not a critic.

But you feed others.
That's even more serious.

In other words, you don't even know
what you're feeding them.

Or could it be Mr. Tricatel eats at
those restaurants recommended by me?

Well, Mr. Tricatel,
fair is fair.

Eat this. Nice, no?

A bit of fish.

At this point, I'd appreciate
your very frank opinion...

...about these products.

It's horrible.

They're trying to poison me with this.

That's not food.
- Exactly.

It was made in your factory and
millions of people eat it every day.

Impossible, absolutely impossible.

We brought this from your own factory.
- You're lying.

It's true and you know it.
- I know? Me?

Mr. Bouvard,
perhaps we could see a little...

...of that tape recorded before
the program started. - Alright.

Mr. Tricatel, there are two men
who managed to get into the factory.

Well, turn them over to the police.
- The two men are Duchemin and his son.

Duchemin is in my factory, right now?
- Right this minute.

Should I call the police?

No, you fool, those two must never
leave that factory.

You mean...

We have some cans
left over, don't we?

A few threads to trim off
and we're all finished.

Hurry. We'll never be ready
if you keep talking.

Mr. Duchemin, you were not here.
What could I do?

Go a bit faster.
- I have to do it all by hand.

Yes.
- Hello, dad.

How do you like it?
- Very smart. You look great.

Why are you leaving me?
- We already discussed that.

So is it definite?
- Yes, yes, yes and yes.

But one day, you could
wear a costume like this.

No, thank you very much.

It's better than your clown's costume.
- Not a lot better.

Is that a farewell gift?
- No, it's for Marguerite.

She'll be overjoyed. Marguerite,
my son has a present for you.

G�rard, I knew you hadn't
forgotten me.

The other Marguerite is
staying with us permanently.

I need the help.
I hope you understand.

Yes, you're right, dad.

Is your decision
still irrevocable?

I could stay a bit longer.
- Stay as long as you like.

But that does not apply to you.
Now, get this done.

I hope that this luncheon
of ours today...

...will do honour to our
distinguished new member...

...who has so valiantly defended
the honour of French cuisine.

A writer of great talent who has
used his words to protect our cuisine.

Charles Duchemin...

I pronounce to you the sacred toast:
Bon app�tit, fellow member of the Academy.

Thank you.

Truffles in pastry,
a recipe by Charles Duchemin.