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1
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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ Dear diary,
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protecting your children
is one of life's hardest tasks,
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00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,796
but not killing
other people's kids,
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00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:33,898
now that's real fucking tough.
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All right, let me
just tweak this here.
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00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:41,439
Now I'll test this bad boy out.
[sighs]
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Just turn down
this little setting here...
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And...
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[whirring]
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[dramatic music]
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Oh!
[groans]
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‐ Huh?
‐ Hmm?
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‐ Sorry about that, guys!
[chuckles]
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Back to, uh, whatever it is
you guys were doing.
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‐ [groans]
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‐ Wow, this thing is powerful!
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Okay, let's see if we can dial
this thing down a little bit.
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[explosion]
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[dramatic music]
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‐ Stop right there,
Dr. Havoc!
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‐ Oh, great,
another hole in my walls.
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Uh, can I help you?
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‐ Your days of
evildoing are over.
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‐ Prepare to face Action Boy.
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‐ And Fantasti‐Girl.
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‐ The world's only...
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both: Kid superheroes!
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‐ Oh, God, I'm gonna
have to kill a kid today.
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‐ We're here to show you that
even the smallest heroes...
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‐ Can make a big difference.
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‐ Ah, okay, kids,
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how exactly do you guys
have superpowers?
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‐ Our grandfather was
a world renowned superhero.
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‐ And before he died,
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he gave us his superpowers
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so that we might carry on
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the family legacy
of saving the world.
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‐ Ah, that is
a really fucking terrible idea.
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00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,418
Your grandfather must have had
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some kind of Alzheimer's
or something.
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God, why would
anyone think that that‐‐
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I mean, Jesus,
what a dumb old fuck.
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What kind of man gives
superpowers to children?
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You guys are way too young
to be out there
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fighting murderers and rapists.
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‐ What's a rapist?
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‐ Oh, no, Jesus,
um, never mind.
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‐ Are you a rapist?
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‐ No!
No, stop.
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Forget the word "rapist."
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Look, will you get these kids‐‐
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‐ Rapist.
‐ No, stop saying it.
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‐ Rapist!
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‐ All right, take these kids,
call their parents,
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and just‐‐God,
make sure they get home safe.
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‐ Oh, yeah, all right.
‐ You got it.
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‐ Come here, little boy.
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‐ Looks like it's...
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both: Action time!
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[both grunting]
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‐ Hiyah!
‐ [groaning]
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[exciting music]
65
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‐ Come on.
‐ Yah!
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‐ Oh, here we go.
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[both grunting]
‐ Yeah!
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‐ [grunting]
‐ Going so fast!
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What are you‐‐
‐ Ha!
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‐ Hold on!
[exclaiming indistinctly]
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‐ Ha! Yah!
‐ Come on!
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‐ Can we get some more
henchmen down here?
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♪ ♪
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‐ [groans]
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Huh?
76
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:03,423
[wailing]
77
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‐ Oh, shit, we broke him.
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‐ [crying]
‐ Brandon, is your arm okay?
79
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‐ Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
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00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:14,289
‐ Hey, you got him!
‐ All right!
81
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[all cheering]
‐ Yeah, all right!
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‐ Oh, yeah!
83
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‐ Yeah!
all: We did it, we did it!
84
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,769
We did it, yeah, we did it!
‐ [crying]
85
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all: We did it!
86
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,480
‐ [sniffling]
I want my mom!
87
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:33,447
[crying]
88
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‐ Von Duct,
tell me we can fix this.
89
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,276
‐ Oh, yeah, yeah,
no problem.
90
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Uh, we'll just
amputate the arm
91
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:42,085
and then, uh, fit it with
a nice robotic prosthetic.
92
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,889
‐ Oh, Jesus, really?
93
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,890
We can't just put it in
a sling or something?
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‐ [sighs]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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We could do that too.
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Okay, let's get you
patched up, you little boy.
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‐ Ew, what does this do?
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‐ Ah, no, no, no, no.
[laughs]
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Little girl,
that is not a toy.
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‐ [grunts]
Cool!
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Wow!
102
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,147
[exclaims]
103
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‐ Please put that down.
104
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,318
‐ This is stupid.
105
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Zoing!
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00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,816
Ahh!
107
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‐ [sighs]
Okay, back to work.
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00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,385
[line trills]
109
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‐ Hello?
110
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‐ Yeah, is this Brandon's mom?
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00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,173
‐ Yes.
Who is this?
112
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,925
‐ Uh, yeah, this is Doctor‐‐
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Well, you know what,
it's not really important.
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What's important is
I have your children.
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‐ [gasps]
Oh, my God, no!
116
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‐ No, no, sorry.
My‐‐my bad.
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Poorly worded.
What I'm trying to say is
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that your kids
are in my secret lair.
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00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,508
‐ Oh, God!
Please don't hurt them.
120
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:41,524
‐ No, I'm not gonna hurt them.
121
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‐ Ow, you're hurting me!
122
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:45,594
‐ Okay, I probably
should mention that
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your son's arm is broken.
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‐ Oh, my God,
my little Brandon.
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You monster!
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‐ Hey, hold on, lady.
I'm not the one
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00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:53,985
who let her kids out
on a school night
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to break into
other people's lairs!
129
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Okay?
I mean, Jesus,
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what kind of
an absentee mother are you?
131
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‐ Let me hear their voices.
132
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,799
I need to know that
my babies are okay.
133
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,742
‐ Kids, say hi to your mom.
134
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,207
both: Hi, Mom!
135
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,505
‐ Mom, what's a rapist?
136
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:08,737
‐ [panicked grunt]
‐ What?
137
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:09,742
What did she just say?
138
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,313
‐ Uh, nothing, nothing, just‐‐
139
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:33,971
Look, all right,
long story short,
9524
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