Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,528 --> 00:00:05,296
(chuckles, whoops)
2
00:00:06,415 --> 00:00:08,216
� �
3
00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:11,469
(shrieks)
4
00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:18,560
(school bell rings)
5
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:21,971
(grunts)
6
00:00:22,048 --> 00:00:23,773
� �
7
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,777
(playing lively music)
8
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:31,823
(tires screech)
9
00:00:33,893 --> 00:00:35,651
D'oh!
10
00:00:35,728 --> 00:00:37,653
(grunts)
11
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:39,706
(theme to Succession playing)
12
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:47,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
13
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,396
� �
14
00:01:09,738 --> 00:01:11,738
None of you
will inherit anything.
15
00:01:11,814 --> 00:01:13,981
Because there isn't any.
16
00:01:14,058 --> 00:01:16,984
(grunts)
17
00:01:17,061 --> 00:01:18,995
D'oh.
18
00:01:25,828 --> 00:01:27,411
Previously on The Simpsons,
19
00:01:27,422 --> 00:01:30,590
a charismatic new preacher
came to Springfield.
20
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:31,832
You want to hold my gun?
21
00:01:31,909 --> 00:01:33,918
You-you can.
(chuckles)
22
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:35,002
BROCKMAN: And Lisa admired him
23
00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:37,254
like no adult man she'd ever met.
24
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,674
This brunch has turned into...
25
00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:41,717
a jazz brunch!
26
00:01:41,794 --> 00:01:42,927
BROCKMAN: Reverend Lovejoy
27
00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:46,055
lost his job and swore reveng.
28
00:01:46,132 --> 00:01:47,398
This is...
29
00:01:51,095 --> 00:01:53,029
� �
30
00:02:08,463 --> 00:02:10,296
-(tires screeching)
-(Jimbo laughing)
31
00:02:12,542 --> 00:02:13,633
-(overlapping chatter)
-This preacher is so amazing.
32
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:15,167
I'm looking forward to this.
33
00:02:15,244 --> 00:02:17,804
This is the first time
I've come to church
34
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,880
when it's not part
of a big montage
35
00:02:19,957 --> 00:02:21,716
of my enemies being whacked.
36
00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:23,810
Whoa! Hey! Whoa!
37
00:02:23,886 --> 00:02:26,804
Well, someone looks awfully nice
for church.
38
00:02:26,815 --> 00:02:28,472
Oh, this thing?
39
00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:30,099
Are you sure
you aren't just attracted
40
00:02:30,176 --> 00:02:32,485
to our handsome new pastor?
41
00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:35,688
Silly. Moms aren't attracted
to pastors.
42
00:02:35,765 --> 00:02:37,440
(chuckles)
43
00:02:37,516 --> 00:02:40,234
Oh, this place is so crowded.
44
00:02:40,311 --> 00:02:43,779
My leg is touching
Milhouse's dad's.
45
00:02:43,832 --> 00:02:45,998
Looks like we're knee neighbors,
huh, buddy?
46
00:02:46,075 --> 00:02:47,116
(whimpers)
47
00:02:47,193 --> 00:02:48,951
Mr. Smithers.
48
00:02:49,028 --> 00:02:51,912
I don't think I've ever seen you
without Mr. Burns.
49
00:02:51,989 --> 00:02:53,789
Oh, Mr. Burns
is more comfortable at home
50
00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:55,717
reading his copies
of the scriptures.
51
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,672
"Blessed be the poor"?
52
00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:03,507
I'm just finding this out now?
53
00:03:03,518 --> 00:03:05,017
No one must know.
54
00:03:10,049 --> 00:03:11,766
Exodus.
55
00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:12,692
Good morning.
56
00:03:12,769 --> 00:03:14,685
ALL:
Good morning.
57
00:03:14,696 --> 00:03:16,645
For those of you interested
in the Packers game...
58
00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:18,439
We don't want to know.
59
00:03:18,516 --> 00:03:21,192
So, I know some of you still
have some questions about me.
60
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,485
I certainly do.
61
00:03:22,561 --> 00:03:25,196
Will you be godfather to my son?
62
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,947
(chuckles)
We're not there yet, Mel.
63
00:03:27,024 --> 00:03:29,825
But, seriously, fewer and fewer
people are coming to church.
64
00:03:29,902 --> 00:03:32,828
Numbers are declining.
And I get it.
65
00:03:32,905 --> 00:03:34,714
When you tell people
that you believe in God,
66
00:03:34,791 --> 00:03:36,123
usually they take that to mean
67
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,167
that you're quietly judging
their lifestyle
68
00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:41,212
or think everybody but you
is going to Hell.
69
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,047
Way to preach, bitch.
70
00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,390
I'm gonna pretend
I heard "amen."
71
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:45,674
Oh, relax, bitch.
72
00:03:45,751 --> 00:03:48,677
(groans)
73
00:03:48,754 --> 00:03:50,721
The original function
of religion
74
00:03:50,732 --> 00:03:52,732
was to bring us together.
"Religion."
75
00:03:52,809 --> 00:03:54,642
"Ligio," like "ligament."
76
00:03:54,718 --> 00:03:56,569
It means to reconnect.
77
00:03:56,646 --> 00:03:58,854
They don't teach you that
at medical school.
78
00:03:58,931 --> 00:03:59,906
Yes, they do.
79
00:03:59,982 --> 00:04:02,483
Well, I learn from my mistakes.
80
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,778
Malpractice makes malperfect.
81
00:04:05,855 --> 00:04:07,530
Well, I want
to bring us all together.
82
00:04:07,606 --> 00:04:09,907
Not just Christians
but Hindus and Buddhists.
83
00:04:09,918 --> 00:04:11,700
Even those that don't believe.
84
00:04:11,777 --> 00:04:13,753
Does anyone besides me
85
00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:15,579
miss church the way it was?
86
00:04:15,590 --> 00:04:18,165
(crickets chirping)
87
00:04:18,242 --> 00:04:20,384
(sighs)
Well, the crickets agree.
88
00:04:22,597 --> 00:04:25,840
This church has gone from
a place of warm, awkward silence
89
00:04:25,916 --> 00:04:29,718
into a gooey lovefest run
by a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo,
90
00:04:29,795 --> 00:04:31,762
and I will not stand for it.
91
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:33,681
You and I believe
in the same God.
92
00:04:33,757 --> 00:04:35,933
I just believe
that that God loves everyone.
93
00:04:35,944 --> 00:04:37,935
You don't agree with that, Ned?
94
00:04:37,946 --> 00:04:39,603
Sir, we are not
on a first-name basis.
95
00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:41,105
Mr. Flanders.
96
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,616
You may call me
New Evangelical Deacon,
97
00:04:43,693 --> 00:04:45,067
or Ned for short.
98
00:04:45,144 --> 00:04:47,778
Okay, Ned, look,
God is the love,
99
00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,956
the "yes"
that set the universe in motion.
100
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:51,782
He or She...
101
00:04:51,793 --> 00:04:53,701
(sighs)
102
00:04:53,777 --> 00:04:56,963
Maybe this time.
103
00:04:57,039 --> 00:04:59,415
� Maybe this time �
104
00:04:59,491 --> 00:05:01,917
� I'll believe it �
105
00:05:01,994 --> 00:05:06,055
� Maybe this time I'll pray �
106
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:13,646
� Maybe this time �
107
00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:15,723
� For the first time �
108
00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:17,650
� I'll have fun �
109
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:20,945
� On Sunday �
110
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:29,945
� He will sermonize �
111
00:05:30,022 --> 00:05:33,791
� With those hazel eyes �
112
00:05:35,194 --> 00:05:37,077
� I've got Buddha �
113
00:05:37,154 --> 00:05:39,288
� I've got science �
114
00:05:39,365 --> 00:05:43,593
� And now Jesus makes three �
115
00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:46,670
� It's gonna happen �
116
00:05:46,681 --> 00:05:48,839
� Happen sometime �
117
00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:52,685
� Maybe this time �
118
00:05:52,762 --> 00:05:56,564
� I'll pray. �
119
00:06:00,219 --> 00:06:02,269
Not bad, kid. Also not good.
120
00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:04,697
Let me show you how it's done.
And a one, and a two.
121
00:06:04,774 --> 00:06:05,689
Hey!
122
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:08,192
(grunting)
123
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,444
Aw, sleeping in church.
124
00:06:10,521 --> 00:06:13,039
Like father like daughter.
125
00:06:13,115 --> 00:06:16,042
God is nothing but grace
and flow and forgiveness.
126
00:06:16,118 --> 00:06:17,493
And if you don't think so,
127
00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:18,869
I-I don't know,
maybe you should go back
128
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,955
and read the Bible
a little bit closer.
129
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:23,332
Are you questioning a man
who travels with extra Bibles
130
00:06:23,409 --> 00:06:25,259
to put them in hotel rooms?
131
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,463
Do you mind?
132
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:30,673
I'm sure you're very sincere,
133
00:06:30,749 --> 00:06:32,716
but a parrot
can recite the Bible
134
00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:34,051
and have no idea what it means.
135
00:06:34,062 --> 00:06:35,719
What? What? What?
136
00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:37,179
This isn't church anymore.
137
00:06:37,256 --> 00:06:38,189
We're out of here.
138
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,521
Daddy, we can't leave
before the pastor says so.
139
00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:47,564
-Who told you that?
-You did.
140
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,817
You call it "Homer Simpson-ing."
141
00:06:49,893 --> 00:06:51,485
(groans)
142
00:06:51,562 --> 00:06:53,829
Yeah, don't Homer Simpson,
you jerk.
143
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:03,756
This is where he got fired.
144
00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:05,582
Now we're gonna poke
145
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:08,669
into Mr. Perfect Pastor's
pysterious past.
146
00:07:08,746 --> 00:07:11,005
Did you just say "pysterious"?
147
00:07:11,081 --> 00:07:13,683
Can't you be on my side
for once?
148
00:07:22,301 --> 00:07:25,269
Excuse me,
we're looking for the pastor.
149
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,855
Oh, we don't have pastors.
But our touch screen directory
150
00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:29,898
does have a digital assistant.
151
00:07:29,975 --> 00:07:32,118
Hi, I'm Holy Cow.
152
00:07:32,194 --> 00:07:34,194
How can I help you?
153
00:07:34,271 --> 00:07:37,623
Please give us your fingerprint by pressing this screen.
154
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,034
(laughs)
155
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:42,536
You haven't pressed anything.
156
00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:44,296
Why not?
157
00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:50,044
I'd like to speak to someone
below God and above you.
158
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,465
Well, maybe you can find
what you need in here.
159
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:58,469
How many of you suffer from
the effects of mesothelioma?
160
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,804
Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho,
161
00:08:00,815 --> 00:08:04,058
ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho.
162
00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,651
(applause and cheering)
163
00:08:05,728 --> 00:08:07,603
� �
164
00:08:07,679 --> 00:08:09,613
(shrieking)
165
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:16,403
Please help us.
166
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,655
This man is a fellow clergyman.
167
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,666
Really?
168
00:08:20,743 --> 00:08:22,501
BOTH:
Church, steeple,
169
00:08:22,578 --> 00:08:23,827
doors, people!
170
00:08:23,838 --> 00:08:25,996
Come with me.
171
00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:27,790
-(knocking)
-Preacher Mac?
172
00:08:27,866 --> 00:08:29,750
I have a couple here to see you.
173
00:08:29,827 --> 00:08:33,629
I'm here to discuss a matter
of some unpleasantness.
174
00:08:33,705 --> 00:08:36,515
You're not here from
The Boston Globe, are you?
175
00:08:36,592 --> 00:08:38,675
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm a pastor, too.
176
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,854
I hear there's a little dirt
on the collar of a man
177
00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:45,349
who used to preach here,
Bode Wright.
178
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,934
Him?!
179
00:08:47,010 --> 00:08:48,477
You better sit down.
180
00:08:48,554 --> 00:08:52,856
It's a short story,
but I'm gonna milk it.
181
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:57,703
I would go on, but I am down
to my last vocal cord.
182
00:08:57,780 --> 00:09:00,155
Even for a pastor,
183
00:09:00,232 --> 00:09:04,034
I've taken way too long
to make a simple point.
184
00:09:04,045 --> 00:09:05,828
Now...
185
00:09:05,904 --> 00:09:07,838
here's the proof.
186
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:13,669
Oh, my God, so many
singles in my area
187
00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:15,671
want to meet me.
188
00:09:15,747 --> 00:09:17,089
Hmm.
189
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,967
Possessions don't matter,
190
00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:23,720
money doesn't matter, this doesn't matter.
191
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,014
Is he burning
what I think he's burning?
192
00:09:26,091 --> 00:09:27,108
I've got him now.
193
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:37,243
Lisa Marie Simpson,
are you reading the Bible?
194
00:09:37,319 --> 00:09:39,528
Yes, it's good, but...
195
00:09:39,605 --> 00:09:40,988
I have a few notes.
196
00:09:41,064 --> 00:09:42,656
Yeah, well I never met a Hittite
197
00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:45,576
who wasn't trying to expand
his empire into Egypt.
198
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,754
Oh, Hittites...
worse than the Canaanites!
199
00:09:48,831 --> 00:09:52,666
Oh, now who's doing this because
of the handsome new pastor?
200
00:09:52,743 --> 00:09:53,917
Reverend Wright?
201
00:09:53,928 --> 00:09:55,502
You think he's...
202
00:09:55,579 --> 00:09:57,713
Oh, why pretend?
203
00:09:57,789 --> 00:10:01,341
When he speaks, I feel like
he's speaking only to me.
204
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:03,719
Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried
you'll get too attached.
205
00:10:03,795 --> 00:10:06,847
This town has a way of rejecting
what's new and different.
206
00:10:06,924 --> 00:10:08,682
And better.
207
00:10:08,759 --> 00:10:09,975
Not this time.
208
00:10:10,052 --> 00:10:12,519
(groans)
But look at your vision board.
209
00:10:12,596 --> 00:10:15,489
It's full of nothing
but crushing disappointment.
210
00:10:17,809 --> 00:10:18,784
Ha-ha!
211
00:10:18,861 --> 00:10:20,944
Even your vision board
is a failure.
212
00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:22,788
That hook was supposed to hold
213
00:10:22,865 --> 00:10:24,948
a lifetime's worth
of disappointment.
214
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:26,950
(crying)
215
00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:29,295
(tires screeching)
216
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:33,883
Get thee behind me, Saturn.
217
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:38,754
I need to pee.
218
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:41,256
No time.
We've got defrocking to do.
219
00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:43,717
Timothy,
I've never seen you like this.
220
00:10:43,794 --> 00:10:46,053
Maybe I'll do
some defrocking, too.
221
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:48,096
In the choo choo room?
222
00:10:48,173 --> 00:10:50,557
Okay, mood's gone.
223
00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:51,984
Two beers, Moe.
224
00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:53,227
Nothing for the reverend.
225
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:54,811
Oh, howdy there, Rev.
226
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,739
Well, can't let him see
my nudie glasses.
227
00:10:58,993 --> 00:11:01,443
You didn't have to break
your nudie glasses.
228
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,111
Now you tell me.
Uh, remind me--
229
00:11:03,188 --> 00:11:04,613
how many boobs
does a woman have?
230
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:07,666
I never got so much
off my chest.
231
00:11:07,743 --> 00:11:11,745
So, then I coveted
my neighbor's riding mower.
232
00:11:11,822 --> 00:11:15,415
I never pedal when I'm
on a bicycle built for two.
233
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,343
-Homer...
-I went trick-or-treating
234
00:11:17,419 --> 00:11:19,002
when I was 30.
235
00:11:19,013 --> 00:11:23,182
Also, I told Marge
I was going for a colonoscopy
236
00:11:23,259 --> 00:11:26,852
when I actually went to
a Planet of the Apes marathon.
237
00:11:26,929 --> 00:11:29,188
Including the Tim Burton one.
238
00:11:29,265 --> 00:11:30,347
God doesn't care.
239
00:11:30,358 --> 00:11:31,598
Hallelujah!
240
00:11:31,675 --> 00:11:33,141
Please.
I make my living in here.
241
00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:35,811
Sorry. So am I forgiven?
242
00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:37,312
You're a good man,
Homer Simpson.
243
00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:39,773
Behind all your behavior,
good and bad,
244
00:11:39,850 --> 00:11:41,650
there's a still, quiet place
245
00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:43,485
untouched by the dramas
of this life
246
00:11:43,562 --> 00:11:45,704
where you simply are goodness.
247
00:11:45,781 --> 00:11:48,490
Oh, you haven't heard
the worst one.
248
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,617
I had impure thoughts
249
00:11:50,694 --> 00:11:53,704
about the mother bear
in the toilet paper ads.
250
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,714
(phone buzzes)
251
00:11:55,791 --> 00:11:58,000
FLANDERS: Reverend? If that is your real honorific.
252
00:11:58,076 --> 00:12:01,003
You are late for our parishioners' visit.
253
00:12:01,079 --> 00:12:03,130
I've been preparing all day.
254
00:12:03,206 --> 00:12:05,007
Uh, sorry.
I've got to go.
255
00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:08,185
Homer, does this Flanders guy
ever annoy you?
256
00:12:17,262 --> 00:12:18,862
From time to time.
257
00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,024
(horns honking)
258
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,483
Move it, move it, move it.
259
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,152
(brakes hiss)
260
00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:26,570
All right.
261
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,989
Which arm did the honking?
262
00:12:29,066 --> 00:12:30,958
I'm not telling.
263
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,536
(sighs)
264
00:12:34,613 --> 00:12:36,163
FLANDERS:
Come in.
265
00:12:36,239 --> 00:12:37,840
� �
266
00:12:48,794 --> 00:12:52,387
You, sir,
have challenged me on scripture.
267
00:12:52,464 --> 00:12:54,398
� �
268
00:12:56,518 --> 00:12:58,727
Oh. Well, if it's scripture
you want to talk,
269
00:12:58,804 --> 00:13:01,855
then let us make a joyful noise
unto the Lord.
270
00:13:01,932 --> 00:13:04,024
-Good.
-Good.
271
00:13:04,101 --> 00:13:07,578
� �
272
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,032
Punishment is the key to belief.
273
00:13:12,109 --> 00:13:13,533
Matthew 25:46.
274
00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:15,627
"They will go away to
eternal punishment, but the..."
275
00:13:15,704 --> 00:13:16,953
"...righteous to eternal life."
Sure.
276
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,413
But God's grace is for everyone.
277
00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:19,873
John 12:32.
278
00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:21,708
"I will draw all people..."
279
00:13:21,785 --> 00:13:23,251
"...up to myself." Hmm.
280
00:13:23,328 --> 00:13:26,380
(chuckles)
What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9?
281
00:13:26,456 --> 00:13:29,475
"They will suffer the punishment
of eternal destruction..."
282
00:13:29,551 --> 00:13:30,675
Romans 11:32.
283
00:13:30,752 --> 00:13:33,136
"He may have mercy on them all."
284
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:34,763
Them all.
285
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,306
� �
286
00:13:36,317 --> 00:13:37,775
(song ends)
287
00:13:38,969 --> 00:13:40,652
Genesis 3:23.
288
00:13:40,729 --> 00:13:43,271
"So the Lord banished him
from the Garden."
289
00:13:43,348 --> 00:13:45,399
Genesis 1:31.
290
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:47,234
"God saw all that He had made,
291
00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:49,569
and it was very good."
292
00:13:49,646 --> 00:13:50,496
Bang.
293
00:13:50,572 --> 00:13:51,997
(groans)
294
00:13:52,074 --> 00:13:54,449
I'm cold, so cold.
295
00:13:54,526 --> 00:13:56,293
And I'm wearing three sweaters.
296
00:14:00,174 --> 00:14:01,164
Wow.
297
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,582
This is what it would be like
298
00:14:02,659 --> 00:14:05,752
if they believed in God
in Hawaii.
299
00:14:05,829 --> 00:14:08,296
Reverend,
you come to dinner at my house!
300
00:14:08,373 --> 00:14:10,799
Uh, yeah,
I'm gonna take a rain check.
301
00:14:10,876 --> 00:14:11,850
So many checks,
302
00:14:11,927 --> 00:14:13,927
so little rain.
303
00:14:14,004 --> 00:14:16,471
Stop this revelry!
304
00:14:16,548 --> 00:14:17,731
Who are you?!
305
00:14:19,718 --> 00:14:21,693
(gasps)
Reverend Lovejoy!
306
00:14:21,770 --> 00:14:25,105
And I'm just back from Michigan.
307
00:14:25,182 --> 00:14:26,865
Can you point accusingly for me?
308
00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:28,867
You got it.
309
00:14:28,944 --> 00:14:31,111
This man is a heretic.
310
00:14:31,188 --> 00:14:32,279
(gasping)
311
00:14:32,355 --> 00:14:34,865
(quietly):
Oh, no. No, Lisa, don't.
312
00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:36,241
Wait, wait, wait!
313
00:14:36,318 --> 00:14:39,703
Surely, we know the reverend
is a blessed man who...
314
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,705
Lisa, I did something bad.
315
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,541
How bad could it be?
Seriously.
316
00:14:44,552 --> 00:14:45,375
(overlapping chatter)
317
00:14:45,386 --> 00:14:46,793
Well, look at you,
318
00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:49,721
finally paying attention to me.
319
00:14:49,798 --> 00:14:51,965
One brief announcement:
there's a red Honda Civic
320
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,717
in the parking lot
with its lights on.
321
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,060
You're losing them.
322
00:14:55,137 --> 00:14:58,013
He burned the Bible.
323
00:14:58,089 --> 00:14:59,481
(gasping)
324
00:15:02,311 --> 00:15:03,518
Oh, boy.
325
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:04,928
That's appalling.
I mean, come on.
326
00:15:04,930 --> 00:15:07,230
Psalms are not for burning.
They're for tattoos.
327
00:15:07,241 --> 00:15:09,191
So, you know, you sicken me.
328
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:11,902
Everything in my heart tells me
this isn't true!
329
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,079
I know this is a weird thing
to say in church,
330
00:15:14,156 --> 00:15:15,864
but we need proof.
331
00:15:15,941 --> 00:15:19,251
I demand a full hearing
in front of all of us!
332
00:15:19,328 --> 00:15:20,994
Oh, you'll get your hearing.
333
00:15:21,071 --> 00:15:23,371
Tuesday at 4:00.
334
00:15:23,448 --> 00:15:26,425
Another paradise lost.
335
00:15:26,502 --> 00:15:29,920
Lisa, you're really bringing
down the first Sunday of Lent.
336
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,931
Even the fire eater is sad.
337
00:15:39,497 --> 00:15:41,106
The crisis of faith grows
as support for im-preach-ment
338
00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:42,432
is now at 52%.
339
00:15:42,443 --> 00:15:44,684
Can you fight fire with firing?
340
00:15:44,761 --> 00:15:47,687
What should we do
with this Judas priest?
341
00:15:47,764 --> 00:15:49,281
This has been Kent Brockman
talking,
342
00:15:49,358 --> 00:15:51,024
saying nothing.
343
00:15:51,101 --> 00:15:52,993
� �
344
00:15:54,696 --> 00:15:55,612
Oh.
345
00:15:55,623 --> 00:15:57,364
(plays sad notes)
346
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,866
Welcome, all of you.
Let's begin.
347
00:15:59,943 --> 00:16:02,035
Why is she running this?
348
00:16:02,112 --> 00:16:04,037
Because she won't
get overexcited.
349
00:16:04,114 --> 00:16:06,706
And I will?!
350
00:16:06,783 --> 00:16:09,801
And the Bible said,
"A child shall lead them."
351
00:16:09,878 --> 00:16:12,754
Well, as my Lord Buddha said,
352
00:16:12,831 --> 00:16:14,881
"Three things
cannot long be hidden.
353
00:16:14,958 --> 00:16:18,718
The sun, the moon,
and the truth."
354
00:16:18,795 --> 00:16:20,637
Well, why don't they make that
a Google Doodle?
355
00:16:20,648 --> 00:16:23,598
Reverend, you're very concerned
with the Bible.
356
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:25,817
So, let us turn to that Bible.
357
00:16:25,894 --> 00:16:28,895
Specifically,
the very, very, many parts
358
00:16:28,972 --> 00:16:31,481
that speak about forgiveness.
359
00:16:31,492 --> 00:16:33,742
(playing fanfare)
360
00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:40,782
And, Mom, thank you
for sewing these banners.
361
00:16:40,859 --> 00:16:43,827
I did all that work
for a ten-second bit?
362
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,495
He did it.
He admitted it.
363
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:47,339
What else do you need?
364
00:16:47,416 --> 00:16:49,291
We've mobbed for less, people.
365
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:51,918
Yeah, remember the guy with
the two different-colored socks?
366
00:16:51,995 --> 00:16:53,679
Ran his ass right out of town.
367
00:16:53,755 --> 00:16:55,171
Banish him!
368
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:58,592
CROWD:
Banish him! Banish him!
369
00:16:58,668 --> 00:17:01,636
Cherish him! Cherish him!
370
00:17:01,713 --> 00:17:04,139
I know
another long-haired performer
371
00:17:04,215 --> 00:17:05,849
who preached a new philosophy,
372
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,309
peace and love.
373
00:17:07,385 --> 00:17:08,852
And the crowd was with him,
374
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,687
but then they turned, hard.
375
00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:12,647
And that man's name
376
00:17:12,724 --> 00:17:14,524
was Willie Nelson!
377
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:17,869
Well, I say, banish him!
Banish him!
378
00:17:17,946 --> 00:17:20,539
CROWD:
Banish him! Banish him!
379
00:17:20,616 --> 00:17:22,374
Stop!
380
00:17:22,451 --> 00:17:25,368
I came here to unify you,
but instead I divided you.
381
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,878
So I'm leaving.
382
00:17:26,955 --> 00:17:29,715
I just hope what I said
resonated with a few of you.
383
00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:31,383
Like Lisa,
one who may change the world.
384
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:33,043
Aw.
385
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,379
And that Sea Captain guy.
That dude is surprisingly woke.
386
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:40,008
Yarr, activism means nothing
if it's not intersectional.
387
00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:41,101
Yarr!
388
00:17:42,304 --> 00:17:43,803
Glad to have known you.
389
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,515
I just want to say,
you've changed my life forever.
390
00:17:47,592 --> 00:17:49,893
You're the first minister
I've ever met
391
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,737
I didn't want
to slap across the face.
392
00:17:51,813 --> 00:17:53,730
Glad to have known you.
393
00:17:53,741 --> 00:17:56,483
And I just want to say,
rot in Hell, Bible burner.
394
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,243
Glad to have known you.
395
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,736
-Glad to have...
-Bup-bup-bup.
396
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:02,530
In my family, you don't say
goodbye to someone
397
00:18:02,607 --> 00:18:04,908
you care about
without a meat loaf.
398
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,752
And broccoli.
399
00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:08,870
You-You're inviting me over
for dinner?
400
00:18:08,947 --> 00:18:10,664
If you can love us
after seeing us eat,
401
00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,707
we'll know you really love us.
402
00:18:12,784 --> 00:18:14,709
Come on, pal.
We're having roast Bible.
403
00:18:14,786 --> 00:18:16,920
Huh?
(laughs)
404
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,254
What? Too soon?
405
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,489
(snoring)
406
00:18:19,491 --> 00:18:21,767
I just want to offer
this simple prayer:
407
00:18:21,885 --> 00:18:24,260
Dear God, please let
the Simpsons never end.
408
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,179
ALL:
Amen.
409
00:18:26,256 --> 00:18:28,556
And, Bode,
tomorrow I have to ask you
410
00:18:28,633 --> 00:18:31,777
a philosophical question,
so I'll see you at the church.
411
00:18:32,804 --> 00:18:34,354
Amen.
412
00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:35,739
Where the hell have you been?
413
00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:39,109
Why would you burn a Bible?
414
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,277
Why couldn't you burn
Bill O'Reilly's books?
415
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,288
There are so many.
416
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:45,740
I was trying to tell people
that God is in your heart,
417
00:18:45,817 --> 00:18:48,627
not in a overbuilt cathedral
or some book.
418
00:18:48,704 --> 00:18:50,537
This town doesn't get subtext.
419
00:18:50,613 --> 00:18:54,082
Our NPR station
broadcasts wrestling.
420
00:18:54,159 --> 00:18:56,584
NPR ANNOUNCER: And that's an excruciating half nelson.
421
00:18:56,661 --> 00:18:59,971
Now, is that what's known in the lexicon as a "face stomp"?
422
00:19:00,048 --> 00:19:02,757
NPR ANNOUNCER 2: Yes, yes, it is.
423
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:05,385
NPR ANNOUNCER 1: This is NPR pledge week. Please give.
424
00:19:05,462 --> 00:19:07,929
-Why did you do it?
-I was 19.
425
00:19:08,006 --> 00:19:11,891
I saw how people were using
the Bible to divide and exclude.
426
00:19:11,968 --> 00:19:14,477
People were so busy
worshipping a road map
427
00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:17,439
instead of trying
to reach the destination.
428
00:19:17,515 --> 00:19:18,865
You know what I mean?
429
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,609
Well, why didn't you
just say that?
430
00:19:21,686 --> 00:19:23,995
That was fine. No fire.
431
00:19:24,072 --> 00:19:27,407
-I was 19.
-I'm eight and I get it.
432
00:19:27,484 --> 00:19:28,667
(sighs)
You're right.
433
00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:31,169
I've regretted it
since the day I did it.
434
00:19:31,246 --> 00:19:33,079
So, since then,
I've just wandered the world,
435
00:19:33,156 --> 00:19:35,999
like a millennial on a gap year.
436
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,593
I understand, but how
are you gonna convince...?
437
00:19:41,873 --> 00:19:43,849
I'll just have faith
in this town's open heart.
438
00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:46,134
(grunts)
439
00:19:46,211 --> 00:19:48,762
I was just making sure
it doesn't say "We forgive you."
440
00:19:48,838 --> 00:19:51,181
-It doesn't.
-Unless they wrote it in red.
441
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,098
Yeah, no.
442
00:19:52,175 --> 00:19:53,692
-No, they didn't.
-No.
443
00:19:53,769 --> 00:19:55,935
-The brick is the message.
-Them's my people.
444
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:57,145
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
445
00:19:57,222 --> 00:19:58,363
Do we throw it back?
What's your custom?
446
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:06,654
Uh, Chief, this guy still had
ten minutes on his meter.
447
00:20:06,731 --> 00:20:09,541
Just when I understood that guy,
when I believed again,
448
00:20:09,618 --> 00:20:12,327
when I believed in people,
they took him away.
449
00:20:12,403 --> 00:20:14,621
I've lost my faith, Lou.
450
00:20:14,697 --> 00:20:16,706
Come on, Chief,
you got a beautiful wife
451
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,717
(laughs):
and kid-- I can't...
452
00:20:18,794 --> 00:20:22,003
I'm sorry, I can't say that
with a straight face.
453
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,880
-Well, you could try.
-(laughs)
454
00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:27,559
I am. I-I'm trying, I'm sorry.
455
00:20:27,636 --> 00:20:29,052
I'm sorry.
I'll maybe try again.
456
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,729
You got a beau...
(laughing)
457
00:20:30,806 --> 00:20:33,681
...tiful wife and kid.
458
00:20:41,316 --> 00:20:44,201
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
459
00:21:19,947 --> 00:21:21,530
Shh!
460
00:21:22,305 --> 00:21:28,309
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
40844
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof