Original subtitles

(upbeat marching band music)

- Come on, stand to attention! (bugle rings out)

You're bone idle, wake up!

Look at you, you're in bad order!

Your boots are filthy, hold your head up!

What are you thinking about?

I can see the studs in your boots, too, are filthy!

Your boot laces are idle.

That weapon belt's filthy!

Your medalry, what are you doing with them?

Hold your head up!

You're badly shaved, too, where's your mustache?

And look at your hair,

I've never seen anything quite like it.

I'll eat you before breakfast!

(bus engine roaring)

You're bone idle, wake up!

What's wrong with your medal rows as well?

- Well, here we are, Silvie. - Yes, Dad, here you are.

- Arthur will be surprised to see me.

- (chuckles) Oh, I'd love to see his face.

Oh, Dad, don't forget to give him the cake, will you?

- Oh no, of course not.

- And tell him to write more often.

- I'll do that.

Well, goodbye, Sylvie. - Bye.

- Look after your mother and take care of yourself.

- Yes, I'll do that, Dad.

Goodbye. - Goodbye, Sylvie.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Terribly sorry, can I help you?

- As a matter of fact,

I'm on my way to headquarters building.

- Brigade or battalion, sir?

- Battalion.

- That's the block sir, straight across the playground.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Do you wish to see

the commanding officer?

- Oh no, I am to report to the orderly room.

- May I ask your business at the orderly room, sir?

- I'm just reporting for my zed training.

- So, you're a zed man, eh? - Yes.

- Well, that's different.

Don't you know who you're talking to?

- No, as a matter of fact--

- You're back in the army, now you're going to like it!

Now, move your feet or else they won't touch.

Go on!

Get out!

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

Come on, I've never seen anything

like it before in all me life.

- Hello, you one of the zed men?

- 723, Corporal Jones, J.W.

- Just have the wind of the brigade

out here soon behind you.

He's a holy terror, he is.

Nice, isn't it?

All me own work.

Figured it out to last me over three days.

You sound a bit la-di-da for a corporal.

Have a commission and get busted?

- Nothing as bad as that.

I was a bit too old for a commission,

didn't get called up until fairly late in the war.

- Oh, okay, come on corporal,

I'll take you down to the orderly room.

- Oh, thanks very much.

(garden scissors snapping)

(whistles)

- What is it, Jim?

Look, make it snappy,

'cause Sergeant Manners'll be back in a minute.

- I cannot see you tonight, Sal.

- Oh Jim, why ever not?

- Oh, somebody's gone sick

and Manners has stuck me in guard.

- We'll make it tomorrow night then.

- Aye, if he hasn't found some other reason

to keep me in camp.

It's an odd coincidence that I'm always the one

to drop to these extra duties.

Wouldn't it be because he wants

to take you out himself, would it?

He's always snuffling after you

like a hungry mongrel after a bone.

- Well it's not my fault, darling,

'cause I don't encourage him.

- So you say.

- Look, I know, I'll tell him I'm stuck on

Lieutenant Robson, that'll fix him.

- Aye, you've got a good head on your shoulders, Sal.

- Do I not get a prize?

(door clicking) (Jim chuckling)

Oh quick, somebody's coming.

- The orderly room, a new boyfriend for you.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, one of the zed intake?

- I'm afraid so, 723 Corporal Jones.

- Corporal Jones, eh?

About time too.

- Well, you see-- - All right,

save your excuses, but remember corporal,

this is a peace-time army, none of that soft soldiering

you had during the war.

Lieutenant Robson been in?

- No, not yet.

- Ah-ha, joking, probably looking for trouble

down the fire under the camp.

Do you know lieutenants should be seen and not heard?

Especially national service lieutenants.

Hooky. - Sergeant?

- Take Corporal Jones down to hut patrol

and find him a bed, will you?

- But all that way with my feet?

- Yeah, looks to be about, you old scrounger.

Corporal Jones, get into uniform and come back

as fast as you can, we need an extra body in here.

(phone buzzing) - Very good, Sergeant.

- You'll want your roller skates corporal.

(feet stamping) - Sir.

- You're quite sure the man Smart hasn't shown up yet?

- That's the fourth time you've asked me that this morning,

Sergeant Major, what's the big attraction?

- Never mind.

Just make sure I'm told the minute he does arrive.

I don't want him to think I'm being standoffish,

and not being at the gate to meet him.

- All right, I'll tell the moment he arrives.

If he's late--

- If he's late, I'll have his eyeballs for earrings!

(playful orchestral music)

(grand orchestral music)

- Attention!

(bold orchestral music)

Who's the VIP?

- I don't know, ma'am.

- Stand at ease!

- The war office.

Call out the guard!

(grand orchestral music)

- Well, if it's not my old friend Sergeant Thickpenny.

- Smart!

At last.

- Rossiter, he remembers me after all this time!

I'm deeply touched sergeant.

- Sergeant major to you!

- Oh, I didn't notice the rash on your arm,

how'd you get that?

Crawling around the officers, I suppose.

- You're both late!

You'll be overcharged.

Consider yourselves under oath and arrest.

- No, I have a late pass.

- Aye?

- Signed by the adjutant general, plays golf at my club.

- Get that vehicle off the square!

- Rossiter, you better do as the gentleman says.

- Very good sir, will that be all, sir?

- You better stop off at the stores

and get me a set of blankets.

Camelhair.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh Rossiter, get pink ones

to match the sergeant major's eyes.

- Very good, sir.

- I hate staying in places that are aren't in the AA book.

You gotta be so careful these days.

Very good man there,

was 14th footman to Lady Docker.

He was buried one day, his powdered wig fell in the soup.

She sacked him, no sense of humor.

I pulled some strings at White Hall

and got him to do his zed training with me.

I've got some very good friends in the war house.

- You're going to need them.

You've put on weight, Smart.

- Yes, my friend Chet, too much lokshen soup and lacquers.

- Never mind.

When you leave here you'll look like a ruddy whippet!

I'm going to run you so far into the ground,

you'll think D-Day was a picnic!

Now get moving, about turn, quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

And you!

Left, right, left, right, left!

Where do you think you're going, Smart?

Left, right, left, right, left, right, swing your arms up!

(playful orchestral music)

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

Now, put your arms up, hold your heads up.

(trumpet blaring)

And halt!

Right turn!

Left turn!

About turn!

Right turn!

Left turn!

About turn!

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm fed up with this stuff!

You don't know your own mind for two minutes,

a clear-cut case of schizophrenia!

- Get back into the ranks!

- Oh, I don't have to put up with this, you know.

I could be earning 2000 pounds an hour

selling surplus tanks!

- Oi there!

Stand at ease, as you were.

Stand at ease, at ease.

- Blimey, he's at it again.

- All right, now listen to me you flabby, overweight,

long-haired, round-shouldered, pug-bellied, bandy-legged,

flat-footed horrible scar of men.

When you left this camp at the end of the war,

you thought you'd seen the last of me, didn't ya?

Some of you were even kind enough to write to me.

- All right, this is it.

- Here's a letter I've treasured down the years.

Dear Sergeant, just a line to give you

a soldier's farewell.

Of all the people of unknown parentage

that I have ever met, you are the biggest.

I don't know which I miss most,

your cooing voice, which sounds like a sea lion

with adenoids, or your sweet smile,

like a crack appearing in a lump of concrete.

I give you fair warning, if I ever meet up with you again,

I'll put the business end of a flamethrower

where it'll do the most good.

Yours truly, Tommy Smart, one double four.

Squad, squad shall about turn.

By the left, quick march.

Race into double time, double march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, about turn.

Come on, pick 'em up there, pick 'em up.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

Left, right men!

Come on, pick 'em up, come on. (car engine roaring)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

What the hell are you doing?

- I, I'm so sorry, new brakes.

Can you direct me to the Tilton Regiment,

I'm down here for a spot of training?

- For the service, eh?

A bit out of date?

- Yes well the war office made a mistake.

There're my jolly old papers.

(feet stamping)

Men, halt!

Private Darcy Journeyman.

I'll say they've made a mistake.

- Must've changed his name.

Used to call himself Jet Morgan.

(group laughing)

- Where'd you get that uniform, Journey's Inn?

I suppose you'll be telling me next

you get water at the 1914.

- It's the only one I've got.

- Well, we've got you here,

I suppose we'll have to put up with you.

Now get this piddly off the square.

Double!

- Oh sir, yes sir.

- Come on, get it outta here.

- Aye.

Actually it won't start.

Do you mind giving it a good push?

Thank you very much.

- There, there. - Oh there we go.

- Do you think the Zeppelins'll be over tonight?

(group laughing)

- Stop that noise!

About turn.

On the left, double march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

All right, come along there guard.

- But honestly, Jim, if Sergeant Manners knew

that you were my boyfriend,

he'd have you posted somewhere awful

like Kenya or the Persian Gulf.

Do you not understand, you bone-headed heathen man?

- No, he couldn't do that.

- He'd have a jolly good try.

- But I'm getting my ticket in six months.

- Me too but, until then, honey,

promise you'll be a good boy and keep out of trouble.

- Ah.

- Oh.

Promise?

- What're you doing here, Campbell?

- Private Campbell came to report the loss

of a ping pong ball from the games room.

I've made a note of it. - All right, Campbell,

on your way.

(typewriter dinging)

- [Horace] Left turn, about turn.

Right turn.

- Now where were we?

- You were in the Persian Gulf, or was it Korea?

They say it's very hot in the Persian Gulf.

- And you'll find it very cold in Korea.

(typewriter dinging)

Oh, come on, Sally.

- Sergeant Manners, please. - Oh.

What do you want, who the hell are you?

(feet stamping)

Oh it's you, Corporal Jones. - Sorry, sir.

- Well next time, knock.

That's your queue.

(telephone buzzing)

Three, that's for you, Private Briggs.

- Excuse me, Sergeant Manners.

Thank you.

- Pretty little thing there.

- I'll bet you're married.

You married types are always the worst.

Nothing doing corp, that's officers only,

Lieutenant Robson's bit.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah worse luck, here, that's yours.

Fancy her myself, but I can't compete with a couple of Pips.

- Private Briggs not here, Sergeant?

- In with the C.O., sir.

- What's this man doing standing with his back

to an officer? - Corporal Jones.

- Sorry.

Sir!

- That's better, corporal.

Uh Sergeant Manners. - Sir.

- Go and go and check on the guard

at the MT park, would you?

- Yes, sir.

Check on the guard at the MT park, sir?

- Yes, see if he knows his orders.

- His orders, sir?

- Yes, his standing orders.

- Very good, sir.

- All sentries should know their standing orders.

(chuckles) They seldom do.

Well, this is unexpected, Mr. Jones, sir.

I wonder why Sylvia didn't tell me

you were coming to my unit.

- We thought we'd surprise you, Arthur, sir.

(laughs)

- Well you certainly have.

It's not every man has his

perspective father-in-law serving under him.

How is Sylvia?

- Oh she's fine, sends her love,

made you a cake.

- Oh, good.

- With walnuts, your favorite.

- Oh, grand.

- Got it back in the billet.

- Sally, (clearing throat) Private Briggs,

put Corporal Jones in the picture with our files, would you?

We could certainly do with some help in here.

Up to our eyes in it, what.

Well, I think that's all for now. (laughs)

Oh yes, um.

(cups clinking)

- Bit unsteady on his feet.

He started early on the liquor today.

- Does he drink much?

- Shocking, dripping dipsomaniac.

Always seeing funny little men

and putting him on the oaks for not saluting him.

Hello, hello, hello,

who's been caning the sugar?

- Come on, pick 'em up.

(whimsical orchestral music)

Halt.

- There you go, get a move on to the MP store.

Tommy!

- Fall out.

- Tommy Smart.

- Well, if it isn't Hortense, you still in

and a sergeant, eh?

- Oh well, you don't look as if

you're doing so badly yourself.

You must be in the money.

- Well, I'm not doing badly at all,

one of my visiting guards.

Matter of fact, I've just bought my first whaling fleet.

I don't fish myself, I'm a racing man.

- All these years in the army you know,

surrounded by men, and not one of them's

ever popped the question, the right question that is.

Talk about starving in the midst of plenty.

Are you married yet, Tommy?

- Uh, no, I think I'm a misogynist.

- Oh, you can get treatment for that nowadays.

You know, I used to think you was rather sweet.

- Hey, y'all!

- Now, there's someone for you.

A fine, upstanding figure of a man, gentle, soft-spoken.

- Sergeant Major Thickpenny?

- Yes, he's carried a torch for you for years.

Don't tell me you didn't know.

(car horn honking)

You know, he's shy, that's his trouble.

He's afraid to declare himself.

- No, I didn't know, but thanks for telling me.

- Get ready!

Bob, already getting in your way, come on.

Come along to the front

and stop all the talking.

- What's the matter with you?

- Oh, you keep your mind on your work.

- How can I keep me mind on me work

with all those lovely men out there?

Oh, just think of it, fresh from the world

with last week's pay packet in their pocket.

And cut off from civilian women.

- Not one of them's a patch on Horace.

Oh, just listen to that voice.

Oh, so magnetic.

- Hard turn, right turn.

- That sounds some proper goods in that sharp uniform.

- Oh, he doesn't look a match for sad Horace.

Just get a load of that chest.

Now move to it girls, the men will be here in a minute.

- Do your own, fitted me out, I need a 42.

- Oh, well here's a 32 and hold your breath.

- Right, left, left, right. - Scuffle girls.

- Hard turn, halt.

Left turn.

- I'm ready for you sergeant major.

- Get these boys scurried up as soon as you can.

- Anything for you sergeant major.

Now come along girls, chop about it.

There you are soldier sign.

- Your kit.

- But I haven't done anything yet.

Don't you try that caper on me.

- Don't you argue with me, sign!

- But I don't put my name to anything I don't understand.

I might find myself playing for the arsenal.

- Size nine, a small nine please, well only one color?

Oh these won't go with anything I've got.

- They're a good strong build with hard nails

and steel tips on the toes.

Everyone around here is wearing them.

Best brass eye holes for the laces,

it's a very popular line.

- But I want something with a Louis heel.

- Oh, we haven't got anything like that I'm afraid.

- If I was to try your white heel broad.

(trumpet blares)

- Come on get a move on in there.

I'm not gonna wait all day for you, get outside.

- Is he showing any interest yet?

- No, not yet.

- Well give him time, give him time,

ooh hoo I'd give him time.

- Try this on for size.

Oh you do look funny.

- I can't possibly wear this.

- Rossiter, I told you, getting things off the peg

is a false economy.

- Oh is that so, well try these.

- These are damaged, there's a big split in the back.

- Are they still using those blankets?

Rossiter, recognize them?

Lot 64, sold them for four pounds a dozen,

they've seen some wear.

Oh ho ho, that's where Wellington poked his finger through.

- Excuse me.

- Aren't you gonna change your suit?

- Itinerant several roles with this in 1914,

if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me.

Good morning. - Good morning.

Don't forget your bow and arrow.

- Here's your webbing.

- There you are now.

That's your lot now.

- All right.

Away we go.

- Now for your cap.

- Oh, oh oh look out I say where are you?

Hold this a minute will you?

Thanks very much, all right, taxi.

- Get a move on in here, sergeant major is on his way.

- Rossiter, I think they've changed this weapon

since we were in the army last.

- Allow me sir.

These should be at the side.

- What are these things for, to hang hand grenades on?

- Perhaps you've got it upside down.

- Maybe.

- Oh, I just unpacked your rifle sir.

- Oh thank you-- - Stand by lads.

- What have you got there Smart?

- This sergeant major is the new smart utility rifle

devised and manufactured by

the Smart's Industries Incorporated.

Come a little closer gentleman.

I'm going to amaze you and when I say amaze you

I mean it in every sense of the word.

This is a rifle that no soldier should be without,

used by every government in the world

with the exception of the British government.

They will not buy one, why?

Not because they're too expensive.

They say why should a soldier be lazy.

Why should a soldier be happy?

Let him suffer.

Now gentleman I will show you what the Smart rifle contains.

It's got ebonite terminals, permanent turn-ups,

ramped and stamped in every link.

Now what can't speak can't lie.

Come a bit closer, will you?

Gentleman, do you feel that when on a route march,

you feel sad, you feel lonely,

you haven't a friend in the world?

With a Smart rifle, that is today obviated.

We have our special, built-in all mains radio.

When I say all mains, I mean all mains.

Works off the electric light, off the gas and off the water,

first off all you place up the aerial,

you tune in to your favorite station

and as you march through the country

to the strains of wonderful music.

Now when you're tired of the radio, you switch off.

You feel a little weary, a little sad, what do you do?

In a very cunningly concealed compartment,

you open the butte and there is a bottle of scotch.

Rossiter, hold the scotch.

You have friends, they're provided for

in the magazine of the Smart utility rifle.

You open the magazine, a cigar

with the compliments of the firm.

Sergeant major, have a cigar, live,

have a good time, leave the country.

Also in the magazine, we have the glasses,

you don't have to drink the scotch from the bottle.

Rossiter, hand round the glasses,

let everybody have a good time.

Now do you feel that you'd like a smoke yourself?

Then you push up the bolt, out comes a cigarette

already lit for your convenience.

Rossiter smoke that for me will you?

Now in the morning, you can stay in bed

if you are the user of a Smart rifle

because you don't have to get up

that quarter of an hour extra early in the morning to shave.

We have cunningly concealed in the butte of the rifle

a little socket, you whip out your electric razor,

you plug it into the socket

and before you can say Jack Robinson,

a clean chin, when a man has a chin like mine,

what a boon and a blessing the Smart utility rifle can be.

Now gentleman should you be in a tight corner in battle

and who hasn't been in a tight corner in battle

you find that the enemy is hiding around the corner,

you don't have to seek them out,

oh no, not with the Smart rifle.

You stand there and you turn the barrel to the right

or to the left the only rifle that will fire around corners.

Now gentleman, I'm not asking 10 pounds, nine pounds,

eight pounds or seven, within the reach of every working man

who will bid me five schillings?

- That's enough Smart.

Come on get outside all of you.

- Gentleman the sale is over.

- Get outside and get filled in.

(bugle sounds)

- A cup of tea and a slab of nut milk chocolate please.

- Got no chocolate.

- You know things haven't changed since I was here last.

Do I have to buy you a mink coat to get a bar of chocolate?

- Coke and a rum please.

- Your tea soldier, if you've any complaints

you better tell the manager.

I only work here.

- Ooh, you want to develop that accent for British Airways.

- Sugar or are you sweet enough without?

- Oh my pinup of the meat pies,

would you like to get pictures?

- You're out of date soldier.

The Yanks moved out of here years ago.

- How much?

- That will be four for everything.

- Well it's robbery.

- Well I'm sure I'm not blame

for the movement in world prices.

- What movement are you to blame for?

There's your four schillings.

Have a good time, spend it on main.

- Now we'll take this corner in two wheels Sal.

- Oh careful darling.

- Now we're running downhill in a long straight stretch,

change up get my foot hard down, wee!

Look, 50, 60, 70--

- Look out for that car, ooh!

- 80, the needle's quivering at the 90s

and the winds whistling past us.

- Ooh, I think you better go a bit slower.

We want to get there in one piece you know.

- Oh, all right, but I've got the whole road to ourselves.

(laughs)

- Where should we be going if this was real?

- To the hills of course.

You see, we've just left the country,

my wee wife and me and we're heading for our honeymoon.

We're heading for a week of laughter

way up in the hills where there's nothing but heather,

forests, the red deer and the leaping salmon.

- In the bern.

- Aye, in the bern, can you not smile the pines?

- (takes deep breath) Wonderful,

how long are we going to be there?

- Oh, two or three days.

- Only two or three days?

I think we should be there at least a week or a fortnight.

- A fortnight, do you want to ruin me woman?

I'm not made of money you know.

- Aye on the bob is your miserable Aberdonian.

(laughs)

Shh, somebody's coming.

- Sergeant Manners in the sneak.

(patriotic flute music)

- Well Campbell, where's your hat?

- A gust of wind came and blew off sergeant.

- A gust of wind eh?

I haven't noticed any wind, well?

- It was terrible here a wee while ago.

- Oh was it, I don't suppose you dropped it

when you leapt into this car for a quiet smoke?

- Oh no sergeant I never smoke when I'm a guard?

- Oh no?

(patriotic flute music)

So the wind blew it into the car, did it?

If I was the only sergeant you'd be on the fizzer.

- Oh, that was an utter skip that time.

- Jolly good. - Not bad.

But you should taste her mother's.

So what are you gonna do when you come out?

- Actually, I'm thinking of signing up.

- Oh do you really?

- Yes, the CO wants me too.

The army's not a bad life if you're keen,

don't mind a bit of discipline.

- Well if you discuss with my Sylvie,

she may not fancy life in medic quarters you know.

- It's rather difficult to talk her.

Perhaps we can meet down in the town sometime.

- Yes, that would be grand Arthur.

- Over the random noggin one.

- Are you sure that would be wise?

- We always use the Duke of Wellington.

The old man doesn't mind the officers

fraternizing with the troops there.

- No no no no I mean do you think you should?

- Do what?

- Drink I mean.

- Well the old glass or two does no harm really.

- Yes Arthur but one glass or two

leads to another glass or two and then what are you?

Seeing those funny little men again.

- Funny little men?

- Good evening, sir. - Good evening sergeant.

Great Scott, it's time I was off.

Well good night sergeant.

- Night sir.

- Well sir, Mr. Corporal.

- If he don't get his skates on,

he'll be late for his date?

- His date?

- Yeah, the young Sally Briggs.

I don't know what she sees in him,

but these quiet ones are always the worst,

deadly for the women.

- Who's cake?

- Lieutenant Robinson's sir.

- I don't suppose he'd miss a slice.

What's up sergeant major?

Somebody after you for a change?

- So slow they are.

- Good night sergeant major.

- Sergeant. - Good night general.

- Well who is it, the army counsel?

- Worse than that that woman.

- What woman?

(jolly music) (crowd talking)

- Mr. Thomas Smart?

- Mr. Jones what are you doing here?

Sit down, make yourself at home.

Bowful, Mr. Jones my old bank manager,

what a turn up for the pass book.

What are you gonna have?

Only the best in the house is good for you.

There you are. - Okay.

- Well did you last out in the good overdrafts like me?

- That's not something you'll never need again Mr. Smart.

- What are you in the money Smarty?

- Well I'm on my second million.

- Get out. - Started out

on the war on the continent, in a small way,

I flogged cigarettes, coffee, cameras.

Then I found a bulldozer the RE's forgotten,

flogged it to a farmer.

That really started me.

I found a park in Wales full of lorries

that the war office had forgotten.

Mr. Jones advised me on how to raise the money.

After that it was guns, tanks, couple of battleships.

Then came Korea, I flogged it back to the government

for twice what they originally paid for it.

(laughs)

- That's what Hortense did?

I don't believe it.

- It's no joke, I first noticed it

when I was took that new lot down the stores.

She was ogling me all the time.

Tonight she followed me around the mess

making great sheep's eyes after me

and when I left she come out after me.

I had to dodge at the men's ablutions

and they blocked the ducky.

It's deadly I tell you.

- Here have some cake.

- I get it, this young officer Lieutenant Robson

is engaged to your Sylvie and he's chasing around

with a Judy on the camp.

- Yes and I've discovered another thing.

He drinks.

What am I going to say to my Sylvie?

She'll never get over it.

- Leave it to me.

I think I can fix it Mr. Jones.

(spits)

Rossiter was is this tea or coffee?

It didn't say sir.

Taste like mud on maneuvers.

(phone rings)

- Orderly room.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

Yes, all right.

One of the guards is going sick,

I'd better get back to the naffy and rustle a replacement.

- I know a man who needs it, put him on it, 144 Smart.

- Right. (laughs)

- Do you mind if I join you?

- Oh, kitchener's cutie.

- Oh not at all.

You know I would have thought the war office

would have realized their mistake by now

and sent you home.

- My little woman never misses me.

- I shouldn't mademoiselle from arm and tears misses you.

- Good luck anyway.

- Thank you and toodle pip over the top old bean.

- Here's mud in your eye.

- Private Smart.

- That's me, if it's the field marshal

take a message will you? (laughs)

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ Oh how I wish I knew ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ I dig the hole right through ♪

- Hallelujah brother!

♪ Who puts the milk in the gaudy lass ♪

♪ And painted all the blue bells blue ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ And puts them on the sergeant too ♪

(laughs)

- Quiet, 144 Smart you're on guard.

- Oh no, my Hollis Street man--

- On guard I said. - But the cold night air,

my Hollis Street-- - You know what you can

do with your Hollis Street man?

- I shall send a telegram to Montgomery about this.

- Get cracking. - Yeah, sure, here you are.

(dish shatters) (laughs)

- For instance, there was never a truer one than this.

The best laid schemes of mice and men

gang aft-a gley and leave us not

but grief and pain for promised joy.

- Gang aft-a gley?

- Aye, well, meaning never turning out just as you hoped.

- Oh goodness, isn't that true?

Never mind, it'll be all right.

- Robson, get down lass.

(patriotic marching music)

(moped engine revs)

- Oh slow down a bit sarge.

My Hollis Street man sit on my scenery.

- You and your Hollis Street man.

- Ah, Sally Briggs, can you I give you a lift across camp?

- If you're sure it's not

a breach of honor counsel instruction.

- Ha ha, hop aboard.

- So that's the lieutenant's girlfriend?

- Hold tight.

- Yes that dirty dog.

- He used his rank to pinch her from me.

- Well cut him out, good looking fellow like you,

sound in wind and limb, charming, witty,

you shouldn't have much trouble.

- Oh I don't know three tapes

don't get you very far against three pips.

- It isn't what you've got on your arm or on your shoulder,

it's what you've got between your ears that counts.

- What would you do if you were me?

- Drop a crafty word that the lieutenant

is chasing around with somebody else in the camp.

Tell Sally that he's knocking about with Hortense,

the girl who fiddles in the stores.

- But he isn't knocking about with Hortense.

- Look sarge, you know he isn't,

the lieutenant knows he isn't,

but as far as little Sally Briggs is concerned,

she only knows what she hears.

And being a woman, she'll believe the worst

where another female is concerned.

Cor, get us a gump will you?

You know you regulars are all the same.

You're red hot on the square, but as far as real life

is concerned you're a lot of children.

You know the trouble fellows?

I don't think they ever read any Freud

in the sergeant's mess.

- Hey.

- Ooh, what a weight, my Hollis Street man

said I mustn't carry more than seven stone 10

a bit less if it jumps.

- You'll be doing the high jump in the morning.

- Aye aye.

- Pull your socks up you sloppy eye of a man.

- But my Hollis Street man--

- Don't talk you insubordinate individual.

- Ooh, if I my solicitor was educated, he'd write to you.

(car horn honks)

- Report to your sergeant major,

call to the guard and get off it.

Right turn, quick march, left, right, left.

Sergeant Manners I want a word with you.

- Me sir? - Come with me.

- 144 Smart, reporting for guard duty.

Laughing boy sent me.

- So I heard, pull yourself up.

What a mess you are.

Stand up straight man.

Have you no ambition to become a good soldier?

- Yes sergeant major I want to work my way

through the ranks, become a general.

- Good.

- And run a region on the British railway.

(screams)

- There's someone coming.

If that's Sergeant Tipp you haven't seen me.

- If it's Sergeant Tipp, I haven't seen you?

- That's what I said, if it's Sergeant Tipp,

you haven't seen me.

- Oh hello Tommy I was looking for the sergeant major.

- The sergeant major?

I think he's hiding.

You see, he's shy.

He doesn't want you to think he's too forward.

- Oh, the silly boy, I'll go in and surprise him.

- Oh no no no, that's bad tactics.

You wait until he comes out.

I've got an idea.

Good night Sergeant Tipp.

(door slams)

(laughs)

- That was a narrow shave.

- Hello.

- Oh, Sergeant Tipp.

I didn't see you.

- Well there's no need to be so formal after raid Horace.

Call me Hortense.

- Oh well yes I will, I will.

Oh Smart get that equipment off

and get vest for sentry,

I'll take you to your post at the MT park.

- No don't bother.

I know the way.

You stay here and save your legs.

Good night sergeant major.

Don't forget to put the cat out.

- Now we can have a nice, cozy chat.

I knew you were on duty,

so I dropped by the mess for

a flask of coffee, nice and hot.

- Oh ta, most thoughtful, but I must be out around the post.

- Oh you must have something to warm you before you go.

- Oh, all right.

- A man needs something hot on a cold night.

(bugle sounds)

- Relief halt!

Sentries pass!

- Number one post all's well.

- Relief about turn.

Quick march.

- Oi big head what's the password?

- There isn't one.

- Halt, who goes there?

Be careful I'm trigger happy.

I once shot a golden highlander right through the bagpipes.

- It's only me sir.

- Why didn't you say so?

- I thought I might prepare a coculation.

- What's that? - Something to eat.

- Oh, a very good idea, yes. (laughs)

Rossiter, I'm getting rather tired of this caviar.

It's a bit lumpy.

- I'm sorry sir, a drop more champagne.

- Yes, thanks very much.

- Rather bubbly this.

- I prefer it to Stoops on Dry.

- Stoops on Dry?

- Someone approaching your post sir,

shall I give the challenge?

- No, I better do that, otherwise the CO gets the needle.

Give me my gun will you?

Halt, who goes there?

- Friend.

- Oh yep.

Advance friend and let's have a butcher's.

Aren't you ugly?

Rossiter is he a friend of yours?

- Indeed no sir.

- Not a friend of mine, sorry mate no one knows you.

- Smart and Rossiter, consider yourselves under open arrest.

- Now look shouting will not help you.

Stand back, you come a soup song nearer,

I'll put a bullet in your built up area.

- You know me, Sergeant Major Thickpenny

and you're going to know me a lot better.

- Thickpenny, Thickpenny?

Rossiter do we know any Thickpennys?

- The Leicester Thickpennys perhaps,

ask him where he hunts.

- Do you go out with the corn?

- The Hathwitcher Thickpennys.

- Oh, the Berkeleys, I knew a Slicer Thickpenny.

He's doing time for a razor job at Campton Park.

- Pardon me sir, that was Slasher Halfpenny.

- Quiet you. - Just a minute,

you can't go through unless you know the password?

- Password, what password?

We never have a password.

- Oh, we've just made one up.

Oh ho, you'll never guess it, like to have a try?

- Is it animal vegetable or mineral?

- Animal.

- Has it legs?

- Oh yes.

- Would you introduce it to your mother?

- I can't, I can't trust my father.

- Is it a female of the species?

- Is it the female? (laughs)

- Blonde?

- Yes.

- Not, not Sergeant Tipp?

- Down you go.

Don't give him the money, Barney!

- Wait till I get you on plate in the morning.

(bugle sounds)

- About face!

Come on lads, quick time, get a move on.

Christ, you're all over the place.

Get over there Smart, move your feet.

And done!

When I was a little boy I had

a beautiful set of wooden soldiers all painted by hand.

They were my pride and joy.

And one day I went to Sunday school

and the teacher told me of the beauties of charity

and that we must give what we have to those with less.

So I gave my set of wooden soldiers

to a poor little boy that had none of his own.

I wanted them back and I cried

and my mummy comforted me saying never mind son,

one day you'll get your wooden soldiers back, you'll see.

And believe you me you thickheaded clots,

that day has come.

What are you doing there Smart?

You're supposed to standing location, not at ease.

And where's your rifle?

- I'm waiting until they issue the new ones.

- What did you say your horrible man?

- I'm waiting till they issue the new ones.

I thought it was a waste of time

learning with these obsolete weapons.

- You thought?

No one ever thinks in the army.

That's the first thing you should get into your thick head.

Suppose everyone refused to work with weapons

because they were obsolete.

Why the whole army would come to a standstill.

Then where would we be?

- You'd be outside the OG

and full out for two and four, queue on for three and six--

- Stop talking now, here you.

- Sir.

- Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

Give me that rifle.

Now what have I got here? - A rifle sir.

- That's right, a rifle a soldier's best friend

in time of war, what's a soldier's best friend

in a time of war? - Gastric ulcer.

(men laughing)

- Quiet, shove arms.

What do you think you're doing?

- Shoving arms like you said sergeant.

- Don't you know your right from your left?

- I know right from wrong.

- Have you got a hankie?

- Sure. - Give it to me.

- Why you got a cold?

- I'm gonna tie it along your left wrist.

- Oh. - This is your left,

and that's your right.

- And ne'er the twain shall meet.

- This is your left.

- You know I've always wanted to know that.

That's the left.

(car horn honks)

- All right, give me that rifle.

I'm show you to shove arms.

Shove arms one, you throw it up the side

and catch it with both hands.

Two, you throw it across the body,

hit it with your left hand.

Three you cut your right hand away to the side, got it?

- Yeah.

- All right, shove arms.

One, two, three.

- Now you've got it.

(screams) (men laughing)

- Hello, hello, my kin,

you two janker waddles have got a nice soft job,

cleaning the orderly room windows.

When I was a young soldier,

I'd have make that last me a couple of days.

- I know you would you old rogue.

You've been scrounging ever since

you were excused boots at the Battle of Balaclava.

- Give him a good run at the leather

and polish him up with blue bell.

Sergeant Manners likes to be able to see his face in them.

- Blimey, why?

- You do them suds and I'll do these suds.

♪ And I'll be in Scotland before ye ♪

- Hello Mr. Smart, you on jankers already?

- Yes, I'm allergic to the sergeant like shellfish.

Mr. Jones, tell your daughter

she's got nothing to worry about.

I'm managing to prize the lieutenant

and Sally Briggs apart I think.

- Oh excellent Smart.

- Boys what are you doing?

- Drawing sir.

- Who do you think with that beard, soldier Raleigh?

Shave it off.

- I've got a beard today please sir.

- A what?

- A permission to wear my beard sir.

I'm an artist in civil life.

- You look like the bearded lady in the circus.

- Yes sir.

- All right madam.

Who's that supposed to be?

- It's you sir.

- Private Briggs, have you got today's rationing strength?

- Yes, corporal, I've got it.

- Where was you after on the back of

Lieutenant's Robinson's bike last night?

- Hey, what's that?

- I saw you hanging on with your arms around his waist.

- All right sergeant major you've had your penance.

- Hey what's that?

- I want time and a half on this.

- Useless idol fellow, can't even turn a tap on.

Get out of the way.

Quite simple for anyone of normal faculties.

(laughs)

- It's funny chaps, said we weren't gonna have any rain.

(whimsical music)

- Oh, Jim, goodness you do your part.

- A typical English understatement, I thank you kindly.

- Whatever have you got there?

- Ah potatoes.

I'm in fatigue in the sergeant's mess.

- Oh no, you're not in trouble again.

- Aye, and the sergeant's cooked a Celtic supporter.

- Oh.

- Here, just a minute,

I want to talk to you about last night.

- Last night?

- What happened after you left me at the MT park?

- I went to the billet, why?

- Is that so, on the back of Lieutenant Robson's bike?

- Yes.

- Hanging over your arms under his neck.

- His waist, darling. - Why?

- Why because he asked me to.

- What?

- He asked me to hold him tight.

- And you did so, why?

- Why what?

- Why did he ask you to hold him tight,

the scurvy bee scoundrel?

- Because he didn't want me to fall off

the back of his bike.

- Just back to the billet was that all?

- Yes, of course.

- Look, I've heard things about Robson.

He's a real womanizer and I don't like you

getting mixed up with him.

- How lonesome were the gifted gears

to see yourselves as ever seers.

- Now lift Robby out of this, it's no laughing matter.

What I want to know is are we engaged or are we not?

- Yes we are.

- Well just you bear that in mind

next time you go riding around on Robson's bike.

- Really Jim, you are the limit.

You're always jumping to conclusions

and they're always the wrong ways.

- If there's any repetition of this,

I might have to reconsider my position.

- You just reconsider yourself to blazes,

you haggis bastard.

- Private Briggs.

- Coming corp.

(screams)

(laughs)

- Oh woman.

(bugle sounds)

- No, look, it's all over between us, don't look like that.

You're breaking my heart.

I tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen to me, would you?

Let us part, it's better that way.

In years to come, we'll look back at this

and we'll laugh we'll laugh (laughs).

(machine clanks)

- Oh hello Tommy.

You having trouble?

- Oh, I think my carburetor's stuck.

I must get a self-starter for this.

- Oh you are a fool Tommy.

- Yes, the army of the future, no more skinning

your fingers peeling potatoes.

We're mechanized now.

They'll give you this and you break an arm.

I suppose they'll give us gunpowder next.

- Actually I wanted to see you Tommy.

Ooh, I don't seem to be getting anywhere with Horace,

the sergeant major, he seems to be afraid

to let himself go.

- Well he's a very sensitive type, Sagittarius I think.

- I tried every road to his heart

and they all seem to be the same, no entry.

- The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Ask the sergeant cook what Thickpenny's favorite dish is

and then serve it up to him with your own lily white hands.

- Oh, what a wonderful idea Tommy.

What Sergeant Major Thickpenny's favorite dinner?

- What he likes is a real old-fashioned soup.

- There's a beautiful piece of meat, look at that. (laughs)

It's as tender as a woman's heart.

Put that in.

Vegetables, parsnips.

Oh look remind you of Sergeant Major Thickpenny.

- I went to the neighborhood store

and made your purchases,

one bar of Light Boy. - Light Boy.

- One tin of Brasso's. - Brasso.

- One cherry blossom black.

One tube of toothpaste.

One bottle of brilliant tea

and one bottle of Cascara.

- Now it says dice the carrots.

- Dice the carrots.

Three queens.

- Four kings.

- No it says dice the carrots,

not dice for the carrots.

- Oh, sorry.

- Now the thickening.

- Thickening?

Oh, we haven't got any thickening.

Isn't it thickening, no thickening?

I know here we are.

Hold this will you?

(bugle sounds)

- Well well well what's going on in here?

- We're making a lovely stew,

with plenty of ingredients Horace, especially for you.

- That is kind of you.

- The cook said it was your favorite dish.

- That's most thoughtful of you Smart.

I'm sorry I've been so harsh with you on put you on jankers.

- That's all right, sergeant major.

Can I borrow your hankie?

- With pleasure.

- Oh think how lovely life could be Horace.

Home, married court after a long day on the square,

to a nice smiling wife ready to cheer you up

and make you laugh and a pot of stew

boiling merrily on the stove.

Oh think how happy how happy they could be.

- Sounds wonderful.

- And a bath for the poor thing.

- A bath for the poor thing.

- Life is a pheasant cooking in the oven.

- My favorite authors, well I really must be going.

I look forward to the stew.

- You'll remember all your life, I promise you that.

Now let me see, batter pudding, A, B, bubblysqueak,

oh batter pudding, first one bag of flour,

one bag of flour. - All right.

- That's it, one bag of flour.

- Now don't forget that flour is self-raising.

You don't want any baking powder.

- No baking powder? - No baking powder.

- Right no baking powder.

- One egg. - One egg.

- No one egg's not enough,

put all the eggs in, all the eggs.

- Sugar, no milk.

- Milk. - Milk.

- Not too much milk, it's very fattening.

- Water. - Water.

- And a little baking powder.

- No cook said no baking powder.

- This is Philip Hartman's Live Story

and he distinctly says baking powder...

- But... - Look, life is very flat

without baking powder.

- But this flour's self-raising.

- Look this is a welfare state.

Nothing is self-raising.

- All right then.

- Mix it up, there we go, lovely, into the dish.

Oh ho ho, what a lovely surprise

for Sergeant Major Thickpenny, there it is.

- My dear Sylvie, I'm afraid I have something serious

to tell you about Arthur, something very serious indeed.

- Sergeant Manner's not here corporal?

- No sir.

- Well there's no need to stand for attention,

Mr. Corporal Jones sir.

I know discipline can only be maintained

by observing the proper relationship

between officers in other ranks,

but there are exceptions eh?

- When the other rank is a female for instance?

- That's right, eh, what do you mean?

- You know very well what I mean, Arthur, sir.

What the devil do you mean by

playing fast and loose with my daughter?

- Playing fast and...? - Loose.

- Running around with your daughter?

- Yes, running around with his girl on the camp.

- Which girl?

- Yes, that's right there are two aren't they?

- Mr. Jones sir, this is fantastic.

Me run around with girls on the camp?

Why before I met your daughter Sylvie,

I had no other interest in life,

except the manual of military law and queen's regulations.

- I believe the evidence of my own eyes and yours.

- But Mr. Jones sir, I could no more conceive

of deceiving your daughter Sylvie

than come on parade in dirty boots

and I can't say fairer than that.

- The day has took off the corporal sir?

- Not at all, quite the reverse, thank you.

- Sorry to be so long in the neck,

but there were so many birds there, I couldn't get a thing.

- That's all right Sally,

you can get as much time as you like, if you like.

- But I don't like if I want any special favors,

I'll indent for them in triplicate

through the usual channels.

(whimsical music)

- Oh.

(whimsical music)

- Be careful.

What kind is this?

Add some more hydrogen.

Oh, oh, quick, get the MO,

I think it wants lancing.

- Why don't you stick a fork in it?

- These harebrained haberdashery boot lacing is going up.

- What are you doing up there Smart?

- Chase me Cantobol, I'm a moth.

(people muttering)

- Oi, rough chops, what are you doing

with those beard trimmings?

- That's your rubbish, you can keep that.

- Oh no, Rossiter?

- Yes sir.

- We don't smoke weights do we?

- No sir, only Turkish.

- That's what I thought.

- Go for it chaps, now have

we got everything ready for the CO?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Good, now it's the last day of the course chaps.

We want to leave a really splendid impression behind,

don't we and that's just what we're gonna do.

I see what a really beautiful surface

you've got on this floor,

why you could your breakfast off it, couldn't you?

Stand at your beds.

- Calm down.

(laughs)

- Attention.

- Look, sergeant major fluff!

This bed space hasn't been swept for days.

- But Rossiter just did it.

- Stop talking.

Name and number.

- 144 Smart.

- Smart by name, but not by nature. (laughs)

Quiet, look at these kids laid out.

Where's his house wife?

- Where's his house wife, sergeant major?

- Where's your house wife Smart?

- It's gone to join the house wives' league.

She couldn't play for Fulsom.

- Where's the spare shirt?

- At the laundry, sir.

- It's at the laundry, sir.

- Where's the spare underpants?

- At the laundry sir.

- At the laundry sir.

- And where is your mother?

- She's at the laundry washing the shirt and the underpants.

- Look at these blassies,

Green with fur, why haven't you polished them my man?

- Why haven't we polished them my man?

- I overlooked them I'm sorry.

- I overlooked them we're sorry.

- Stop this man one day's pay.

- Stop this man one day's pay.

- Yes sir.

- You've got one day's pay stopped

and you stamp your own card.

- Very good sir.

- Dust!

Dust!

(screams)

♪ On the humbug ♪

♪ I dream the whole night through ♪

♪ What puts the milk in the coconuts ♪

♪ Who painted all the blue bells blue ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ He puts the stripes on you ♪

- Good evening. - Good evening Horace,

how's things? - Not too bad.

- Looking forward to tomorrow I'll bet.

- Yeah, I'll be glad to be short of this zed lot.

- You will be glad to lose old Smart most of all won't you?

- Oh no I won't.

I'd like to have him around a bit longer.

15 days in the glass will should do him a lot of good.

What are you having Fibby, the usual?

- Yes may as well.

- What do you want cop?

- Two pints of black and tan.

- Two pints of black and tan.

- Have you got permission from the commanding officer

to take up civilian employment in after duty hours?

- I am not in employed here.

I own the joint.

I came in, they couldn't change a fiver.

So I decided to buy the place.

I've always wanted to own a pub.

Rossiter, two pints of black and tan.

- I'm going straight back to camp

and I'm going through queen's regulations

with a fine tooth comb and I'll have you up

with the CO in the morning if it's the last thing I do.

Report to me at the orderly at 0900 hours

and you better be there.

- Sergeant major, your slightest wish is my command.

I shall see you at 0900 hours in the morning.

(groans)

- I'm sorry, but there's no singing allowed in this bar.

- Hello Horace, I've been looking for you.

- She's a madwoman, I'm off.

She nearly poisoned me the other day.

They had to take a stomach pump to me.

(men laughing)

(jolly music)

- Well you'll be off tomorrow, back to the bank eh?

- That's right, sir.

- Have another drink, for short.

- I don't think so.

Neither should you.

- Why not might be almost the best thing to do,

get roaring drunk.

- You make quite a habit of it from what I hear.

- What's that?

Who told you that?

- One hears things.

- Sergeant.

- This bar is out of bounds to the rack.

- I'm sorry sir I was only looking for him.

- Whatever it is you're looking for,

you won't find it in there.

(laughs)

- I don't know what's coming over these women,

they walk in just like they're any worth,

think they'll get away with it.

- So that's what you've been writing to Sylvie,

a lot of oddly wrong gossip.

I must say I'm surprised at you sir.

I should have thought you would have had more sense.

Nice letters I've been getting, real acid.

Thank the Lord you've only one more day to snoop on me.

- To snoop on you?

- Yes, snoop, S-N-O-O-P, snoop.

- Now there's no need to be offensive Arthur.

- She's threatening to send me back the ring.

- Good, best thing she could do.

- All right, corporal, on your way.

This bar's officers only.

- That's right, you're like all officers.

When you're in the wrong, they check their rank about.

Good night sir.

- Good night!

Hey wait a minute Mr. Jones.

Oh, what's the use?

Give me a whiskey.

- Better have a double, better have the bottle,

go on, it's on the house.

(crowd talking)

- Well what are you girls gonna have?

- I can buy my own drinks thank you very much.

- Oh come on now Sal don't be silly.

- It's you who's being silly,

you with your absurd suspicions?

- Are they absurd?

There's no smoke without fire you know.

- All right, I'm Lieutenant Robson's girlfriend.

Anyway, he's in the private bar,

why don't you go and ask him?

- Look there Sal, I never said...

- Didn't you, it sounded very like it to me.

- Oh I give up. - Oh, isn't that typical?

Never put a Scotsman a wrong.

- And never refuse a Scotsman when he offers you a drink.

I was just getting ready for a gin and tonic.

We got enough for another round Sal?

- No, only enough for a chandy between us.

- Look, why don't you let me?

- Allow me to serve you a drink on the house.

- Well that's very kind of you.

- Do you come from Sheffield?

- Yes, however did you guess?

- Oh, I come from Tinsley myself.

- Whereabouts?

- Well you know the undertaker's...

- What you mean his job at the trick shop?

♪ If the girl next door calls you on the phone ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ And she says she's sure that a fuse has blown ♪

♪ Will you come and fix it for life ♪

♪ That's opportunity, opportunity ♪

- He's very good, who is he?

- Max Bygraves, an Englishman

they smuggled into the land of Paladium.

- Oh, he's wonderful. - What?

- He's wonderful.

- Good night Max it was nice seeing you.

You shouldn't say any other man is wonderful.

I thought you were in love.

Looks as though you're keeping it a secret.

I was in love once.

Yes, that was my top secret.

♪ I've got a top secret ♪

♪ Locked up in my heart ♪

♪ And I'll never part with the key ♪

♪ I've got a top secret ♪

♪ No one has a clue ♪

♪ I'm in love with you and you love me ♪

♪ We don't break big headlines, photographers and fuss ♪

♪ But just a cozy rendezvous where no on knows but us ♪

♪ You are my top secret ♪

♪ And I'll never tell ♪

♪ Till the wedding bell starts to chime ♪

♪ Then they'll know my little secret ♪

♪ My sweet and lovely secret ♪

♪ They'll know you were top secret all the time ♪

(laughs)

♪ You are my top secret ♪

♪ And I'll never tell ♪

♪ Till the wedding bells start to chime ♪

♪ And they'll know my little secret ♪

♪ My secret love is secret ♪

♪ They'll know you were top secret all the time ♪

(crowd cheers)

(bugle sounds)

(moped engine revs) (bugle sounds)

(bugle sounds)

- Well that's turned it.

I'm locked out.

(bugle sounds)

- Hello hello hello.

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm trying to break in. - To break in.

- Well that's the general idea.

- Oh, go down the road there.

It's dead easy.

There's a big gap in the fence.

Everyone gets in that way.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thanks very much, oh I say look, here's a fiver.

Buy your own glass house.

- Blimey.

- He's the nicest man I've seen in a longtime.

He's so attractive.

- What did you think of the telly tonight darling?

- Oh he's gorgeous. - Who Max Bygraves?

- No, Rossiter, such a gentleman's gentleman.

- Oh there's nobody like my Jim.

(bugle sounds)

- Come on girls keep down.

I'm going to put the lights down.

(women talking)

Pipe down now.

- Hey you.

I'll get posted in Malay, that's what I'll do.

Maybe Sylvie will be sorry,

especially when she reads

officer dies fighting bravely in ambush.

That will shake her.

- Excuse me, sir, am I going the right for a block?

- I'll show you.

- Posthumous award of the military craft.

By no means saying it's a tradition of the regiment.

And there was poor Sylvie all in black, kiss me honey.

(laughs)

- Good night girls.

(hums)

- Oi, mate, you're in my bed.

(screams)

(frantic orchestral music) (screams)

(whimsical orchestral music) (screams)

- Turn the light on. (women talking)

- Damsel in distress, Sir Galahad to the rescue.

(women talking excitedly)

- There he is, get him.

(whimsical music)

- Come on girls, don't let him get out.

(women talking excitedly) (whimsical music)

- Hello hello hello what's all this about?

- He's trying to get away.

- Oh I see.

Leave this to me.

Quick, go and get him from the outside.

(whimsical music)

Now then you peeping Tom.

(whimsical music)

- Hello, what's going on here?

An officer, I can smell alcohol.

I think you're sickened.

You will explain to your CO in the morning.

Take him off to the nick I mean the cooler, the guard room.

Away with you.

Dib dib dib.

(languid orchestral music)

Get the car turned out around

I'm gonna say goodbye to Sergeant Major Thickpenny.

(whimsical music)

- Is Mr. Robson ready?

- He's on his way sir. - Good.

- And that'll be his lot.

- Good morning sarge, working?

- What are you doing out of uniform?

You're in the army till 1200 hours.

- I thought you'd like to see me looking my best

when I came to kiss you goodbye.

- Sit down and wait there.

I'll deal with you later.

- It's a bad show Arthur, what a silly thing.

- I can explain everything sir.

- I hope so.

I hope so.

Lieutenant Robson's here sergeant.

- Right, the poor thing look at him.

Just one moment sir.

It's a sure court marshal,

conduct to the prejudice,

behavior unbecoming an officer and a gentleman,

I lay you two to one, he's cashiered

and slung out of the army.

- Well they charged him with everything

except smoking in bed.

(laughs)

(door buzzes)

- One buzz, that's for you Sergeant Manners.

- Thank you, Private Briggs.

- He seems happy.

I'll wonder at it, he's jealous.

Gang Robson's been cutting him out with Sally.

- Oh what a lot of nonsense.

I've never been out with Lieutenant Robson in my life.

I only pretended that to put Sergeant Manners up.

- You mean you're not the lieutenant's girlfriend?

- No of course not.

- Quite a girl eh?

This reminds you of the one you left at Balaclava.

- Yes, sergeant major I dare say

we could charge this fellow Smart,

but I don't want any trouble with these zed men,

particularly on their last day here.

He'll stand on his rights as a citizen

or something tiresome,

start moaning to his MP and then I'll have

the under section of the war heads breathing down my neck.

No, sergeant major I have quite enough

on my plate as it is without this.

- Very good sir.

- Send in Lieutenant Robson in

and the first of the witnesses.

- Yes, sir.

- We saw this officer try to get away from Hut F

through the window, so we apprehended him sir.

- Then what happened?

- Colonel Trudgeon came up.

- I beg your pardon.

- Huh?

- If you'll allow me sir, I never clapped eyes

on Lieutenant Robson last night.

I went to bed before light's out

and didn't wake up until early.

- Now let me get this straight ma'am.

You're telling me the whole of this story is false?

That 10 young women and a couple of your own narcs

are perjuring themselves?

- I knew nothing of this affair

till I came to this office this morning

to report the loss of a great coat.

Someone broke into my bedroom.

- Why should anyone break into your bedroom?

- They removed a great coat and a pair of shoes.

- Well Robson, what do you have to say to that?

- I can only repeat sir Colonel Trudgeon was there.

She accused me of being a drunk.

Isn't that right, corporal?

- Yes sir.

- I did not do such a thing.

- Your actual words mum as I remember them were

and you've been partaking of alcohol too.

- But this is incredible.

I never left my room the whole night.

- But good heavens woman you must have done.

Did they all imagine they saw you?

- Are you making me out to be a liar?

- I'm not making you out to be a liar,

I am simply seeking to discover the truth.

Perhaps you're a somnambulist.

- I beg your pardon.

- Perhaps you walk in your sleep.

- I never walked in my sleep in my life,

nor in any anybody's sleep.

- Well then perhaps you are the one

who had partaken in alcohol.

- How dare you sir, I am the presence of other ranks.

I've had enough of this sir.

It's bad enough that my girls aren't safe

in their privacy of their house

from the prying eyes of their officers

and that one's property should be whipped away in the night,

but that you should accuse me of being drunk.

If this matter is not cleared up

and that psychopath punished,

I shall take the whole thing to a higher level.

- Let's not get heated ma'am.

- Sergeant major clear the room.

- Sir, lads come on, right turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right halt.

To your space.

- How's it going in there sir?

- Oh seconds out of the ring with the old man

and the creepy bit.

He hates her guts.

If he can spike her guns, he will.

- I'll bet. - What about

Lieutenant Robson?

- Don't look too rosy for him.

- Oh, I did like him.

My poor Sylvie it will break her heart.

- He admits he was around the scene if you ask me.

- Oh how dreadful.

- All right Smart, you can hop it now.

The CO's too busy to be bothered with you, more's the pity.

You have the luck of the nine blind beggars.

- Sergeant major I'd like to see the CO.

- Well you can't now.

- It's about Lieutenant Robson.

- About Lieutenant Robson?

- I've got some very important evidence to give.

- You're not up to your tricks again are you?

- No honestly.

- All right, wait there and I'll shunt you in.

- Just fancy Lieutenant Robson canned.

I can't believe it.

- I thought you called him a flipping dipsomaniac.

- Oh, just pulling your leg corporal.

- Honestly?

- All right Smart, face the woodwork.

(whimsical music)

- It is a far, far better thing I do

than I've ever done.

It is a far, far better place I go to

than I've ever been.

Lead on, Plumduff!

- Private Smart, turn, hat off, quick march,

left, right, left, right, forward, left, right, left.

Left turn, halt there, halt.

Right turn.

Private Smart sir.

- As Lieutenant Robson is likely

to be somewhat restricted in his movements,

I wonder about coming out with me tonight?

- No, I can't.

- Why not?

- Well I've got another date.

- Who is it this time?

- Oh, I'm go beboping with the CO.

- I'll have something to say about that.

- Oh.

- What do you want Campbell?

- A signal, sergeant, read it and weep.

I've been posted to Tenford Mess.

- Oh Jim.

- It's all right, you're coming too.

- What?

- Your name is in the list as well.

- Why you mean we're going to the hills together?

- That's right, come on.

- Immediate postings!

- Goodbye, sergeant. - And the best of luck!

- File them.

Hooky! - Sergeant.

- We need an extra body in here.

- Yes sergeant.

- Now what was the name of that blond clerk

in the pay office?

- I see.

You say these aren't your shoes.

- No sir.

- Then whose are they?

- That ma'am we have to determine.

- How?

- Take them round the camp and find

some flaming Cinderella to fit them.

- They're mine sir.

- Permission to speak.

- Permission to speak, sir.

- Yours? - Yes sir.

Last night I was in the girl's hut,

I got lost in the dark.

I was with you.

One of the girls woke up and she screamed.

They were all after me sir I ran for it.

- That still doesn't explain why everyone claims

to have seen me where I wasn't.

- I can explain it that ma'am.

When I dived out the girl's hut,

I ducked into Colonel Trudgeon's room sir.

- You entered my room?

- Yes ma'am.

- Grave valor, proceed.

- I slipped into her own coat,

stepped into her shoes and I kidded

that I was Queen Beak, Colonel Trudgeon.

Now what's going on here?

(snickers)

- Well Private Smart, that's a most fascinating story,

but I'm afraid I find it hard to believe.

- Ha!

- Can you prove that you were

Colonel Trudgeon's room last night?

Can you produce the great coat perhaps?

- I haven't got it sir.

- Then where is it?

- I threw it in a pig swirl bin.

- You did what?

- There is one way I can prove it sir.

- You can?

- It's a bit awkward.

- Okay, carry on.

- Permission to speak sir.

- Mm-hmm. - To Queen Beak,

Colonel Trudgeon? - Mm-hmm.

What have you done Smart?

What have you done to Colonel Trudgeon.

- I reminded her about a strawberry mark she's got.

I saw it when she was in bed last night.

She turned over and...

- Never mind about the geographical details.

Is this true ma'am?

- Well sir, a matter of fact sir it is.

- Perhaps we could see it if it's not too inaccessible.

- Well...

- You see how important it is.

It would prove the truth of this man's story

and exonerate Lieutenant Robson as well.

- Oh very well.

- Smart, you can go, you've seen it once.

- Oh thank you sir.

Oh what an escape I've had.

I nearly had a preview of a horror comic.

(door slams)

You know I was able to help the lieutenant,

he's a very decent chap Mr. Jones.

- It was very good of you Mr. Smart.

- (laughs) Well time marches on.

I've got to be in New York in 24 hours.

- New York? - Yes.

I'm flogging some moldy ministry cheese for fertilizer,

ooh, a very big deal.

Oh I love that woman, every ton of her.

- Thanks a lot old boy, it was darned decent of you,

coming forward like that.

- Think nothing of it, corp.

After all we had to do something for Sylvie,

didn't we Mr. Jones?

- I can't thank you enough Mr. Smart.

- Mr. Jones it's a pleasure to do business with you.

- It was wonderful of you.

Well Arthur, I'm afraid I've maligned you terribly.

- Oh well, must be going.

Bye bye and it's very, very nice having met you.

I've gotta get going now, goodbye.

- Where do you think you're going you horrible man?

- New York.

- You won't be going anywhere for a long while.

You'll be up before the CO in the morning.

Get the charge sheet out Sergeant Manners.

- Yes sir.

- Impersonating an officer, stealing an officer's great coat

breaking into an officer's room, indecent behavior

and breaking bounds in that you were rack sleeping quarters

and after lights out.

- But my Hollis Street man...

- Your Hollis Street man will have to keep you alive

a long while to serve all the time you're gonna get.

- But what about my cheese?

- It'll still be there when you come up.

Turn, quick march, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right.

- Oh Horace, I've got another pie for you.

- Ha, you've got it!

- What a horrible sight!

- Never mind Horace, you still got me!

(screams)

- This is your last play, break into double time,

double march, I'll be glad to see the last of you lots,

you dishonorable men, hold up, turn.

Come now, pick it up.

- Sergeant major hey!

- Lads!

- About turn!

About turn!

About turn!

- Halt halt!

Go on, pick it up.

Halt you useless clots, get on home or else.

- What an awful mess!

Why don't you pack up?

- Time you packed up, isn't it?

- You've no right to call me you little pain.

- Why not?

You should holster this quad before you turn towards me.

Where's your balance square graph?

- And where the hell is yours?

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you had your pint of blood yet this morning?

- Yes, I had my pint of blood

and I could see of you you want some of yourself.

Never seen anything like it before in all of me life.

(boisterous marching music)

- Goodbye.

Oh you lucky people!

(bombastic orchestral marching music)