All language subtitles for The Interview.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

We now turn to the
hostile nation of North Korea.

The rocket they are testing
is believed to be big enough

to reach the West Coast
of the United States.

Today, an official
of the United Nations

tried to tell the world...
So there will be no mistake...

That we are living in the midst
of a modern-day Hitler.

A young, untested leader
with nuclear ambition.

- Kim Jong-un.
- Kim Jong-un.

We are talking
about Kim Jong-un.

Good evening.

I'm Dave Skylark.

Tonight, we are joined
by 13-time Grammy winner,

Oscar-winning songwriter,

Detroit's own Eminem.

He'll speak with us
about his new album,

which has been mired
in controversy

concerning lyrics that some view
as demeaning to the elderly.

Tonight...

on "Skylark Tonight."

And... action.

"It's hell to be Shady.

"Yesterday I yelled
a degrading insult

"at an elderly lady.

"Then I asked her
how it felt to be 80.

"'F' word a senior citizen.

Suck a wiener, sit and spin."

... "Suck a wiener, sit and spin."

It's funny.

"And why you drive so slow for?

"Don't you want to get
where you're going faster

"since you'll probably die
tomorrow, you old whore?

"Die, old bitch, die,

before I murder you."

What do you mean by this, Em?

Well, first of all,
I feel like, when I rap,

like, people twist my words.

Okay, but can you see

how an old person
might say, "I think

"what this guy is telling me...
This Eminem... is that I should

go kill myself, and I...
you know, I don't like that."

I mean, I don't

necessarily rap about
the things that I hate.

It's more about...
the things that I fear.

- I get you.
- You know, it's like,

- if I say something about women
or whatever... -Yes.

I think a lot of that
is more or less me

just dealing with issues with...

you know, old issues
with my mom or whatever.

With your "mutha."

Yeah, or-or... you know,

when I say things
about gay people

or people think that
my lyrics are homophobic,

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, it's because I'm gay.

Um, when I rap about violence

- Wait... -or, you know, sound
like I'm promoting violence,

I think that, uh... you know,

- it's more or less because...
- What? -What, what, what?

You know, it's kind of...
it's kind of about me just,

you know, confronting it.

- What did he just say?
- Wait, can we play that...?

- He said he was gay.
- Did he just...? Dave? Dave?

- Did he just say he was gay?
- We're pretty sure

in the booth we just heard him
say he was gay.

Em, let's just...
back it up a moment.

You... just said

that you were gay?

Um... and I'm just curious

what you meant by that exactly.

I mean I'm gay.

Uh, I'm just a little
confused here, because "gay"

can mean a lot of things.

I am a homosexual.

Meaning...?

I like men.

What the fuck just happened?

Eminem just said
he was gay... four times.

That's what the fuck
just happened.

- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.

Eminem's gay on our show.

- Eminem's gay on our show!
- Oh, my God!

...Camera two! Camera two!

Gay Twitter!
Gay Twitter's blowing up.

- Holy shit.
- Change the chyron.

"Eminem Gay?!"
Question mark, exclamation mark.

Dave, keep him talking.
Keep him talking.

- Oh, my God. -Holy shit.
- Push in on gay Eminem!

This is the greatest moment
in gay history!

...are probably shocked by what
you're saying right now.

I'm more shocked that people
haven't figured it out yet.

I mean, it's kind of like
I've been playing gay peekaboo.

Gay peekaboo.

Yeah. But, um...

Shit.
Camera one. Camera one.

- This interview is over.
- Shut it off. -No!

- Shut it off. -Get the fuck
out of here, Darryl.

I am Marshall's publicist,
and I'm telling you,

- pull the fucking plug right now.
- No. This is gold.

I am not cutting
this interview off.

This is the best interview
we've ever done.

- What happens if I just do this?
- No, get out.

...Shut it off! Shut it off!

Get him out of here!
Get him the fuck out of here!

I will murder you
and everyone you love!

Thank you.
Dave, look, I got the lyrics.

Say what I say:

What did you mean
when you rapped...

"I said nice rectum, I had a..."

"...vasectomy, Hector.

"So you can't get pregnant

if I bisexually wreck ya."

I've pretty much
just been leaving a...

bread-crumb trail of gayness.

- I see that now.
- You know.

But yeah, actually Hector...

Hector was a...
was a real person.

Hector and his rectum were real?

- Holy shit. -It's real!
- Hector rectum is real!

- Yes! Yes! -Oh, I knew it!
- Slim Shady, everyone!

- Dude! Dude!

Aaron, bring it in.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Bring it in, big boy!

...Oh, my God...

- Oh...!
- Oh, my God!

What the heck just happened?

The real Slim Shady
just stood up.

Oh! -That's what the fuck
just happened.

This is like Spike Lee
just said he's white.

I can't believe what's happened.

- You da man! You da man!
- You da man!

You're the best.

You're the best.
You're the best.

- Unreal. -All right, listen,
I'm gonna go get my makeup off.

I want you to meet me
downstairs.

I got something to show you.

Dude, just...
where are we going?

I thought we were going to the
Hamptons for the weekend, man.

- No, no, no, no, no, no...
- What is this place?

We're just, you know...
just hanging out.

- Okay. -All right,
all right, all right.

It's a surprise party... for you.

What? Why? Why did you
just tell me that?

Yes! I...
'Cause I'm so excited.

This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be great.

I don't understand
what's happening.

Surprise!

All right, all right.
I already told him.

I already told him.
Come on, come on.

You're best in the world,
you fucking cocksucker.

All right, not now, Malcolm.
Not now, not now. Come on.

- Come on. -Thank you.
- Why... why is this happening?

You've been with us

for 1,000 episodes.

- Are you kidding me?
- Ten years, baby!

- Are you fucking...
- Come on.

I really do. It's, uh...
I appreciate it.

- All right.
- Okay.

All right, now,

I know I like
to keep it light, keep it fun.

I'm gonna take it
to a serious tip.

I'm gonna talk about Aaron.

Before we started
working together,

my show barely broke the top 15.

So I called up
this professor that worked

at the Columbia School
of Journalism that I...

I was having sex with,
and I said,

"I need someone smarter
than anyone in entertainment.

I need a real journalist."

Aaron, you are
the Samwise Gamgee

to my Frodo Baggins.

You are the Gandalf
to my Bilbo Baggins.

But of all the Lord of the Rings
references that I could make,

this is the most important:

- I'm Gollum...

...and you're my precious.

Smeagol needs Aaron.

"One Ring to rule them all,

and in the darkness
bind them."

Now, get up here!
Get up here!

- Come up here, buddy.
- I love you. -Okay. Okay. Okay.

- I fucking love you.
- Oh...

Hey.

Hey!

Hey.

Yeah. Like, what's that?

Come on, man.
What's happening?

- Hey, yeah.
- Hey, yeah.

- Wh-What's happening?
- How's it going, dude?

We haven't seen each other
since graduation, right?

- Yeah. Probably.
- Wow. And, uh...

Wait. Am I wrong?
Are you, like, a...

you're a junior producer
on "60 Minutes," right?

I'm now a senior producer.

- No way, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- That's awesome.
- Thank you.

Look at us... both producing news
for television.

Yeah.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

It was clearly something.
What's the joke?

No, I mean, like,
you've got your job,

I got mine, but they're
different, you know?

Yours is cool; mine's just

a little bit more serious,
you know?

What are you saying?
We have the same job.

I report real news...
You know, stuff that matters...

And then you report
on all the cool

"who's getting new boobs"
and, like,

the fun eating disorder stuff.

You really helped build up
"60 Minutes," too, right?

They'd be nothing without you.

It's only been on
for 80 fucking years.

Look, I... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry... look...
I shouldn't say this,

but we got an opening
over at "60 Minutes,"

and we could use
somebody like you.

Are you serious?

I'm fucking with you, man.
Come on! You?

At where I work? You'd be
eaten alive at our office.

Okay, I'm gonna catch up
with these guys,

but cheers, man.

Congrats... or whatever.

When did the hair begin to go?

- I would say...

around "The Outsiders."

When you're ready.

I don't think I'll ever
be ready, but...

- Oh, wig's coming off.
- Oh.

Whoa.

Oh, Jesus fuck.

Why does he keep
the long pieces?

His head looks like
somebody's taint.

- You barely look different.
- Thanks, man.

You... you said you were bald.

I... I see a little stuff
on top.

- It's so freeing!
- Rob...

is there anything that you would
like to say to America?

Good evening.

I'm Phillip Sterling

with a UBS News Special Report.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kim Jong-un's military forces

targeted an uninhabited
South Pacific island

with a 15-megaton
thermonuclear ICBM.

Yo, Dave, we're not
live anymore.

- They just cut our feed.
- We're off the air?

Goddamn it! Rob, would you just
put your fucking wig on?

They fucked us! Goddamn it!

Somebody tell me
what's going on?

Dude... seriously,
what is up with you?

You know how I'm good
at picking up energies?

Well, you're shooting off a
slightly cunty vibe right now.

What's going on?

We have millions
of viewers every night

watching our show,
and what do we do?

We just shovel shit
into their faces, man.

We could be doing
something positive.

We could be having on authors,
activists, politicians.

That's what people want.
"Give us some shit.

"Mangia. We're the people.
Give us the shit.

Mangia, mangia, mangia."

Dude, I wanted to cover actual
news, not Nicki Minaj's vagina

fuckin' flopping out
at the Grammys.

You don't like that brown sugar?

Nothing to do with brown sugar.

I just can't keep
doing this, okay?

We have to change.

- Fine.
- Are you serious right now?

- Yeah.
- Do you promise you'll do this?

I promise if you promise
you'll never leave.

If you promise,
then I'll promise.

- Well, then, same time.
- One, two, three.

- Promise.
- Promise.

- Okay.
- Okay.

That's all we had to say.

- Fine.
- Don't put me through that.

- Okay.
- I hate it when we fight.

No, this is not a joke, okay?

Well, I think you're being
kind of condescending.

- Look! Look, look, look...
- What? Yeah... one second.

Shut up. I'm on the phone.

- Okay? Uh...

Dude, what the fuck, man?
That was John Kerry's office.

Forget that
oak-tree-looking fuck.

This tops it.
"The Times" printed it

about... about North Korea.
Read the bottom.

After all the...
the death camp shit.

"Although Kim Jong-un
rallies his people

"with cries for the destruction

"of the United States
of America, he is known

"to be an avid consumer
of American entertainment.

His favorite shows
are 'The Big Bang Theory...'"

And...?

"...and 'Skylark Tonight.'"

Oh! Boom!

This is great!

This is what you
were talking about.

I interview this guy.

Are you joking me, man?
He's the most

reclusive leader on the planet.

It's not gonna happen.

He lives in North Korea.
We can't go there.

Dave Skylark...
gets in anywhere.

You remember that club?

Three-month waiting list.

First night.

I don't think it's
quite the same thing.

Well, there were a lot
of Asian girls there.

It's impossible, Dave.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do that interview,

everyone is gonna take you
super-duper seriously,

and then you're never
gonna leave me.

North Korea's
in the Olympics, right?

I bet they have
an office that is

set up to communicate
with the Olympic Committee,

so there's probably

some infrastructure
for communicating with

the outside world through that.

Good idea.
Those wheels are turning.

- If I leave a message
for that office... -Yeah.

- then maybe, if they're
a fan of the show, -Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- That can actually work.

- We could interview the most
famous man on the planet. -Yeah.

- That would be the biggest
interview ever. -Yeah...

Guys, guys, guys, guys!
I don't know if you've

heard this, but some
pictures just came out

where it looks like
McConaughey's fucking a goat.

- Whoa. "McConaughey Goat Fuck"?
- Ew...

McConaughey Goat Fuck.

- Uh...

Okay, we obviously have
to have him on to do that,

so... we should
put that together.

But we're doing this
North Korea thing, okay?

- First thing tomorrow. Okay.
- Book him, though. Book him.

- Get him, get him, get him!
- Get the goat! -I'm on him.

Get the goat!

I got some questions
for that goat.

Hello. This is Aaron Rapoport
from "Skylark Tonight."

We heard your Supreme Leader
is a big fan

of our show, and we'd love
to have him on.

Uh, please get back to me
and let me know.

I'm about to head
to an important meeting,

but, uh, I'll be around
in the morning.

- Hope to hear from you.

Ooh! Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Uh, Mercer and Spring, please.

Whoo!

Hello?

Hello. Who dis?

I am trying
to reach Aaron Rapoport.

You got Aaron Rapoport.

- Who dis is?
- You left word

with our office
regarding an interview.

Look, Dave, is this you?

'Cause if it is,

you're doing
a terrible Asian accent.

Me so "solly."

Me gots to go now, son.

I am from the office
of Sook-yin Park,

Secretary of Communications

with the Democratic People's
Republic of North Korea.

Oh, my God. Uh...

Shit. Uh, me so solly.

I mean, I'm so solly.
I mean, I-I'm so sor...

I'm-I'm... I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

We would like to discuss
the possibility of a meeting

between the Supreme Leader
and Dave Skylark.

Security concerns dictate

that the matter
be discussed in person.

Uh, okay, great.
Where... where do you do that?

We will meet
at latitude 40.1326,

longitude 123.9889.

Just 'cause I'm not, like,
totally familiar

with my longitudes
and latitudes,

where is that again?

50 kilometers west of Dandong,
northeastern China.

Did you just say "China"?

And did you just say "dong"?

Going to motherfucking
China, y'all.

Excuse me, can I get in there?

Thank you.

Hi, there.

No, thank you.

I'll just get it
through secondhand smoke.

Selfie!

Well, where the fuck are they?

What the fuck?

No, no!

No! No!

I'm an American journalist!

Aaron Rapoport!

I was invited here!

I come in peace!

I'm here for interview!

Please don't kill me!

Mr. Rapoport,
I am Sook-yin Park.

The Supreme Leader will grant
a one-hour interview

to Mr. Skylark
from inside North Korea.

All questions will be supplied
by the Supreme Leader himself.

Terms are nonnegotiable.
You have 24 hours to decide.

- That's it?
- Yes.

Why didn't you guys tell me this
over the phone?

Or Skype?
Do you guys have Skype?

Do you have Skype here?
Okay.

Well, look, can you give me
some water?

That guy has water!

Please give me a ride somewhere!

I didn't pack well
for this trip!

I packed like a fool!

Like a goddamn fool!

Please! Please!

Whoa.

Damn, she was sexy.

The fucking helicopter landed.

I'm in the middle of nowhere.

Two soldiers jump out.

I think I'm gonna get killed.

Then, out comes Sook.

I told you about her.

She comes out of the helicopter.

- She's hot, super sexy.
- How hot?

- Did you get in there? -Yeah,
I fucked her in the helicopter.

My fucking man!

No, I didn't do that, dude.
No!

- Okay. -She said we couldn't ask
any of our own questions.

They were gonna write
all the questions.

We can't do it.

We're essentially letting him

interview himself
with your mouth.

Look!

Look at this buttfuck!

He's got a whole parade
of nukes.

He's ready to use them.

When you score a bin Laden

or a Hitler or an Un,

you take it by the balls!

It's the first rule
of journalism.

You give the people
what they want.

That's not the first rule
of journalism.

I think that's
the first rule of,

like, circuses
and demolition derbies.

This is the biggest interview
since Frosty Nixon.

- Frosty Nixon?
- I mean, in ten years,

Ron Howard's gonna make
a movie out of this.

We do this, we can interview

any president on the planet.

And then you can ask them
the real questions.

This is like
eating our vegetables.

Once you eat those,

then you get to eat the steak.

And we know Aaron
wants his steak.

This is like...

"The Lord of the Rings."

Okay?

I'm actually like Frodo Baggins.

And you are my Sam.

My Samwise.

I can't do it without you.

- Okay.
- Come with me.

To Mordor.

Okay, let's fucking do it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

As always,
I'd like to thank my guest,

Joe Gordon-Levitt.

And before we go,

I have
a very special announcement.

With the help
of my outstanding producer,

Aaron Rapoport, I've secured
the most important interview

of the 21st century.

Three weeks from tonight,

I will be traveling
to Pyongyang, North Korea,

to conduct the first
globally broadcast interview

with President Kim Jong-un.

I am deeply humbled
and profoundly honored

to accept this
most awesome responsibility.

Apparently, Dave Skylark
will be interviewing

the dictator of North Korea.

100 bucks Skylark thinks

he's the guy
from "Gangnam Style."

Obscene glorification
of a brutal dictator.

This is a man who tortures,

terrorizes and starves
his own people.

- Skylark is beneath despicable.
- Fuck this.

Meeee-ow.

What a fucking bitch,
am I right?

No, you're not right.

He's not being a bitch.
He's completely right.

He's motherfucking
peanut butter and jealous.

- He's not jealous.
- He's putting

KY jealous all over his dick.

What is there to be jealous of?

Fuckers hate us
'cause they ain't us.

They hates us 'cause we "anus"?

What the fuck does an anus
have to do with this?

They hate us
'cause they ain't us.

That's not what it is.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

They hate us 'cause we is us,

and what we is doing
is fucking terrible.

They fucking hate us
'cause they ain't us.

- Stop saying that. They don't
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us.

- Hate us 'cause they ain't us!
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us!

- They don't hate us 'cause they ain't us.
- I'm used to it.

- Hate us 'cause they ain't us.
- Stop it. Stop it.

- Don't say it again.
- Shh.

Baby.

Haters gonna hate.

And ain't-ers gonna ain't.

That is not an actual thing
people say.

This is what you do to haters.

You just smile.

What is that?

The strongest ecstasy
I've ever done in my life.

Oh...

Oh, what the fuck?

Okay.

Okay, I'm coming.

Oh, shit.

Oh... oh, God.

Mr. Rapoport.

I'm Agent Lacey

with Central Intelligence,

and this is my partner,
Agent Botwin.

Aaron, whoever that is,

tell them to fuck off.

Dave, it's, uh,

- it's not... -Yo, I don't know
who I fucked last night,

but I got some stink dick.

Yo, my dick stinks!

So weird how you, like,

just want to keep
smelling it, though.

Yo, you got to come over
and smell this shit.

Yo, come smell this.

You got to identify this.

I don't know what it is.

Excuse him.

He has stink dick.

It kind of smells
like guacamole.

May we come in?

Would you, um,

like a drink or some
of Aaron's cocaine?

This is not our cocaine.
This is...

No, I'm sure it's not.

So, uh, how can we, uh,
what can we do you for?

- Yeah, to what do we owe the pleasure?
- AARON: Yeah.

Well, Aaron, Dave,

as I'm sure

you know already,

Kim Jong-un is now capable

of nuking all of the West Coast.

The point is we're talking
about nuclear nations

at war with each other.

Nuclear.

He does have one

tactical advantage
over the West.

He's more than willing
to let millions and millions

of his own people die.

Ba-bam. Explosions.
All over my face.

I'm sorry, we had kind
of a long night last night.

Why are you telling us

- all this information?
- Well,

well, we're telling you this
because you two lucky gentlemen

are going to be in a room alone
with him,

and congratulations, by the way.

That's right!

Which is part of the reason
why we're here.

The CIA would love it

if you two could...

take him out.

Hmm?

- Take him out.
- Take him out?

- Like, for drinks?
- No, no, no.

- Take him out.
- Take out.

- Like, to dinner?
- Take him out to a meal?

Take him out.

- Like, on the town?
- Party?

No, uh...

take him out.

You want us to assassinate
the leader of North Korea?

- Yes.
- What...?!

If we kill him,
won't they just get

another chubby dude
with a goofy hairdo

to come in and replace him?

- Exactly, exactly. -And then
the same thing happens?

Uh, actually,
we're aware of a small faction

in the existing leadership
that already wants him gone.

They want change; they're
too scared to act alone,

and they need you two
to go in there...

Hmm...

remove Kim,
embolden them to revolt

and take over.

Are you, Agent Lacey,
going to be involved?

I am going to be in your ear,

by your side,
every step of the way.

Then I have one answer.

No more Kim.

Uh, you know what?

Actually, I think we should
talk about it more.

- Okay, all right.
- Okay, let's just...

- We're just gonna talk.
- We're just gonna talk.

By all means.

Just for the record,

I don't have stink dick.

Come over here, come here,
come in here...

I think we need to do this.

She is so cool.

You don't see what's happening,
and it's so obvious.

- It's crazy, man.
- What?

They're honeypotting us.

- What?
- It's an attractive

spy woman who lures men

into doing shit they're
not supposed to do.

How can you not see that?

- Because that is so sexist.
- Is it?

- This is 2014.
- Dude...

Women are smart now.

Do you actually think
she just so happens

to have everything
you find attractive?

Bangs, giant tits, glasses?

They're fake, man.

Fake glasses?

How could the CIA come up
with such a thing?

Well, that poor girl
is blind as a bat.

Okay, I'm just saying that
when we're on Molly

and when we're horned up
might not be...

- Horned up?
- You are horned up.

Oh, please!

You got half a fucking
chub right now!

- Take your hands away.
- Hmm-mm.

- I saw the boner.
- I'm not taking my hands away.

Move your fucking hands.

Fine, you want to see it?

- Yeah.
- Feast your eyes.

Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.

I'm gonna poop out these drugs.

You're gonna go jerk off
these thoughts.

If we both still want to talk

about this afterwards, then
we can, but not until then.

Dave Skylark never backs down
from a jerk-off.

In three days,

you will fly from New York
to Beijing,

where you will transfer
to a commercial airline

that takes you directly
to Pyongyang.

I'm sorry,
this is completely unrelated,

but, um, what happened
to your glasses?

Oh, I... I got LASIK.

Between the time
I saw you and now?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Now, our intelligence suggests
that you will be taken here,

to Kim Jong-un's
personal compound.

So, preceding the interview,

you are going
to shake Kim's hand,

administering
a fatal dose of poison

with this, a transdermal
time-delayed

ricin strip.

When you shake his hand,

the poison will be absorbed
into his skin,

where it metabolizes
for a 12-hour period.

Nobody will have any idea
you two were involved.

No one will know?

The United States must maintain
total and complete deniability.

- Total deniability?
- Obviously.

- This isn't what I pictured.
- What did you picture?

I walk in there
like a fucking gangster

and blow
his little fucking ass away

on television.

This is a major
television event.

You don't want to blow it
with offscreen death.

Okay?

Look, in porno, we call
this the money shot.

You don't have a bunch of dudes
going at it,

and then right before
they finish, you cut to black

and say, "Oh, don't worry,

12 hours later,
they came all over each other."

No! We want

the all-over close-up.

All over his face.

The end!

Ah...

Bam!

What kind of porn
are you watching?

What happens when
all of his guards

start firing back at you
for killing their leader

right in front of them?

- That's a good question.
- My bulletproof vest...

No, you don't have
a bulletproof vest.

- You don't have one of those.
- I will dodge those bullets.

What happens after you escape
the compound, Dave?

I look back over my shoulder.

I see Aaron.
I grab him by the hand.

We run out into the woods.

Perhaps there's
a secret tunnel there.

We exit said tunnel.

At a designated spot,
SEAL Team Six

swoops in, puts us on one

of those inflatable motorboats,
we hit the water,

we're out of there,
on our way to you.

If you did try to do this,
what would kill you first?

Sub-freezing temperatures.

I don't like the cold.

- Okay, we...
- Starvation, starve to death.

You telling me the CIA
doesn't have

North Face jackets
and some Pirate Booty?

Cap'n Crunch?

What about Siberian tigers?

- Did you think about that?
- What?

You're not going to shoot him.

There's not going to be
a bulletproof vest,

and nobody is going to know

that you had anything
to do with this.

That's it, that's the plan.

- Period.
- Okay.

Two years later,

I come out
with my bestselling tell-all.

"An Unexpected Journey:

Dave Skylark's Adventures
in North Korea."

You can't write a tell-all.

"We were an oddly-shaped
gray room

"at the CIA headquarters.

The titillating Agent Lacey..."

Stop doing that.

- Why?
- There's no tell-all.

"'There's no tell-all, '
Agent Lacey said.

"She looked at him.

She trembled with rage,
or was it passion?"

- Stop it.
- I just want everybody to know

that I know what you did to me

- With the glasses?
- What?

- Honeycombed me.
- What does that even mean?

You honeypotted him.
It's honeypot.

- You honeypotted me.
- You honeypotted him.

- No, I didn't. -He's said
a lot of stupid shit

in the last ten minutes,
but for reals,

you did honeypot him.

I bet you got him in here
as a honey dick

just in case I'm gay,
but I'm not,

but if I was, I would've
seen him coming a mile away.

- You honey dicking? -Look, she's
not honeypotting you,

- and I'm not honey dicking him.
- It's very offensive,

'cause basically if you think
about what you're saying to me,

you're saying
because I'm a girl,

and because I'm attractive,

my only use for this agency
would be to manipulate men.

I think it's offensive, too.

And that's exactly
what I said to Aaron.

I said that bitch
is blind as a bat.

Can we please move on?

We have a dictator to kill.

When handling the ricin strip,

operate with extreme caution.

Even momentary flesh contact
with the exposed strip is fatal.

The poison will lay dormant
for 12 hours.

After it passes
the blood-brain barrier,

your heart rate
would shoot up to 160.

Your body will strain
to reject the poison

by profusely sweating,
defecating, vomiting.

Within minutes,
you will be dead.

- Okay.
- Got it?

Aaron peels
off the film marked A,

exposing the adhesive coating.

He then applies the strip
to Dave's palm.

- Okay... -Aaron will then
remove the film marked B,

exposing the ricin.

- Clear.
- Okay, clear.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Dave needs to appear casual

as he is transferred
from his room

- Okay.
- To the broadcast facility.

It is critical that he keeps
his hand open

and touches nothing.

Dave Skylark.

...Mr. Kim...

Just shaking hands.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Dave will bow to Kim

then shake his hand,

immediately disposing
of the strip

in his jacket pocket,
which will be lined

with an absorbing agent
that denatures the poison.

...Oh, no!

Hey! Hey!

Agent Lacey!

- What's this mean?
- You're dead.

All right, Mr. Skylark,
so you'll just place

the ricin case
in this pouch here.

It will magnetically seal,

and then you're good to go.

So you want me
to carry this bag?

This is the bag.

This is a douche bag.

The watches conceal
an array of tactical functions.

It's how you stay in contact
with me and the command center.

- Aaron to Dave.
- All radio communication

should be done using call signs.

- Cool.
- Dave,

you are "dung beetle,"

- What?
- And Aaron, you are "aardvark."

I can't even carry this thing!

What do you mean
you can't carry it?

Aerodynamics are all off.

It's hitting my leg.

It's, like, bulky.

Please remember, gentlemen,
you are entering into

the most dangerous and
unpredictable country on Earth.

Kim Jong-un
is a master manipulator.

His people revere him as a god.

They'll believe anything

he tells them, including that
he can speak to dolphins

or he doesn't urinate
and defecate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

You're telling me my man
doesn't pee or poop?

I'm telling you he does,
and he lies

to his people
and they believe him.

Everybody pees and poops.

Where would it go otherwise?
He'd explode.

But he does talk to dolphins.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, how do I look?

Fucking awesome?

Yeah, actually, this
is really, really nice.

- Yeah.
- And that just...

What the fuck is this?

- It's my bag.
- It's wonderful.

That's just not the bag
the CIA gave you.

Oh, that bag?

Yes, that bag!

That bag was Fugly
with a capital "Fug."

Well, it was also designed
to conceal fucking poison

that we're gonna smuggle
into a foreign country.

Kim is a super fan.

He knows I take fashion risks.

Look, I show up
with that other bag,

Kim's gonna be like,

"Oh, no.

"You got ugly bag?

"You no Skylark,
you secret agent.

Terminate him."

Where's the fucking
poison strip?

I put the strip
in a pack of gum.

They'll never find it.

I am not cool with this.

- It's showtime.
- Showtime?

It's not showtime.

- What are you doing? Stop.
- "Dave Skylark Tonight!"

Stop walking!

- Stop walking.
- Hello.

We are going to North Korea.

Yo, Skylark, which side

of President Kim's ass
you gonna kiss?

I'm not gonna kiss him,
but let's just say

I might give him
something special with my hand.

You gonna jerk him off?

What? No.
That's a double entendre.

Shut the fuck... Shut up!

- I'm foreshadowing!
- Shut up!

Shut up!
Get in the fucking car!

Shut up! Shut up!

Why would you say that?
Why would you say that?

All right, here we go.

What's that noise?

- I don't know.
- Do you hear that?

Yeah.

Wow.

This is crazy.

- Hello, North Korea!
- Wow.

- This is crazy.

Okay, okay.

- North side!
- Okay.

Hi. Sorry about...
what he's doing.

Hello!
Wow...

I like your style.

Good to see you again.
How are you?

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- This is great.

Uh, Dave, this is, uh,
Sook-yin Park.

- Sook? The Sook?
- Yes, yes.

That you won't stop
talking about?

That's not true.

We are different people.

We speak different languages.

Huh?

We have different faces,

but inside

we are same-same.

Same-same, but different.

But still same.

Oh, thank you.

Konichiwa.

You know, I'm very,

very interested in the history
of your young nation.

I hear that

absolutely everyone here
is-is starving to death.

No.

It's quite all right.

This is a common misconception.

Oh, okay.

See for yourself.

Oh, wow!
It's a grocery store.

Looks like the Whole Foods
around the corner from my place.

Yep, guess no one's
hungry here after all.

We have an abundance
of food here.

And speak of the devil,
look at that fat kid!

Hi, little fatty!

Hi. Mm-mm!

We have many fat children
in North Korea.

The Supreme Leader

believes it is a hallmark

of prosperity
and self-sufficiency.

I don't know about all that,

but this one is one
that I heard.

I heard he doesn't pee or poo.

He works so hard,
he burns the energy from inside.

You-You're telling me my man
doesn't have to take a poo?

Does-does he have
a butthole?

He does not have a butthole.

He has no need for one.

Whoa!

Ho-ho! Damn, son!

Damn...

Right this way.

I get it. Fucking stop it.

These are Officers Koh and Yu.

They are the heads of

our Supreme Leader's
personal security.

They have been with him
since he was a little boy.

They will search you
one last time

before entering
our Supreme Leader's home.

Just a Gucci bag.

What's this?

Uh...

gum.

That is gum.

...Oh, you fucking tried it?

This gun has no flavor.

- If you don't like it, just spit it out.
- Just spit it out.

We wouldn't be insulted
if you just spat it out.

Your gum taste like shit.

- Okay.

You may now enter the
Supreme Leader's home.

This room

- for Mr. Skylark.
- Cool.

Thanks.

This room for Mr. Rapoport.

Ooh, lovely.

- Thank you. Quaint.
- Cute.

...You know, I'm tired.

How are you feeling?

- We go now.
- Okay.

Dude, what the fuck?

Hey, uh, you know,

- how's your tummy feeling?
- You should have some Tums.

Maybe you should have some tea.

Fuck.

- Shh.
- Shh.

They could be recording.

- Oh, the thing.
- The thing, all right, go.

- Oh, uh...
- Lovely room.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yes.

Lovely. I'm gonna go
take a shower now.

Okay, I'll take one with you.

Why would you take one with me?

I'm just making up
fake conversation.

Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.

What... the... fuck... dude?

He ate it.
He fucking ate it.

- You're not even supposed to touch it.
- And he ate it.

- Chewing. Chewing it!
- Shit! Fuck.

Shit, he's gonna die.

Look, look, look, look...

He's probably, like,
Kim's trigger man, okay?

He's probably killed,
like, tons of people.

He's probably worse than Kim,

and we're okay
with killing Kim, right?

Yeah.

How the fuck are we gonna
do that, by the way?

We don't have
any poison anymore.

What happened to it?

- Somebody ate it.
- Someone ate it?

Why the fuck did you
switch bags?

- Yeah, Dave!
- All right, all right!

I shouldn't have switched
the bags. I'm sorry.

- I told you.
- Listen, just sit tight.

I am going to contact you.

Do not fall asleep.

I'm gonna figure out
a way to fix this.

Thanks.
Why'd you tell her?

Tell her what?
Because it's the truth.

Why'd you tell her
that he ate it?

Because he did!

Dude, that was a cock block.

Get me Major Franks
at the Osan Air Force Base.

ETA to launch zone, 20 minutes.

We have a bird en route.

It will be within range of you
in 15 minutes.

Aardvark,

your watch will transmit
the coordinates

to guide in the package.

You need to get outside
to a place with no tree cover

where you can't be detected.

Okay?

What-what-what...?
Lacey, why do I have to do it?

Why you?

Because if Dung Beetle
gets caught

or killed, then we don't have
a mission anymore, do we?

You really think I could
get caught or killed?

Hey, put on your darkest clothes
and get outside now

and make sure that you are

at least 20 yards away
from the building.

Approaching launch zone.

You ready?

I think so.

I'm a little nervous,
but I'm feeling okay.

- Okay, okay.
- I think I can do it.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna cherish

- all the memories we have.
- Don't do this!

- What? -Talk to me
like I'm about to die, okay?

- I'm gonna be fine!
- All right. I know.

I'm trying to psych myself up
here; you're bringing me down.

I will love your mother
like she was my mother.

- Just shut up. Shut up.
- Okay.

Shh.

It's really scary out there.

Yeah, super-duper scary.

- Be careful.
- Okay, good. You got me?

- I got you. I will not drop you.
- Okay.

- Yeah, just don't drop me.
- I got you.

- I got... Oh!

Aardvark, are you all right?

I'm fine. Shut the fuck up.

Aardvark is hot.

I repeat: Aardvark is H-O-T hot.

- This is so scary.
- Aardvark?

You're being extremely brave.

Everybody here
is very proud of you.

- My tummy's all scraped up and wet.
- Aardvark,

I'm gonna rub your tummy
when you get back, don't worry.

Just a few more feet, okay?

Just five to ten more feet.

I got to keep going?

I don't want to keep going.

Fuck.

Package will deploy
in three, two, one, boom.

Package is inbound.

Arrival time, two minutes.

Just five more feet.

Five more feet,
and you're on your mark.

Hey, hey,

hey, don't move.

I think I see something.

- Huh?
- There's something out there.

What do you mean,
there's something out there?

What is it?
Can you zoom in on that?

What do I do?

Comm One, are you seeing this?

Zoom in one that thing.

What is that?

There's something crawling
towards Aardvark.

What the fuck? What is it?
Talk to me.

I'm seeing four legs
connected to one body.

What the fuck are you seeing?
I'm not seeing anything.

Dog, big dog.

- Big dog?
- It's like Clifford size.

We're talking Falkor
in "The Neverending Story."

It's like a dragon dog.

This is like a dragon dog.

Is that a fucking...

Guys, what am I looking for?
I don't know...

It's like a big dog

that's orange.

...It's got stripes.

It's like a big, orange,
stripey dog.

There's a tiger.

It's a fucking tiger.

It's a fucking tiger.

Yes.

A tiger.

You fucking led my friend
into a tiger patch?

I told you
there were tigers there.

Guys, I'm very unhappy
right now.

Look, it's really dark
out there.

He probably doesn't see you.

- Oh, it fucking sees me.

- It ha... it has night vision.
- They have night vision?

That tiger has
night vision goggles?

It doesn't have
night vision goggles.

It just naturally has night...

...Listen,
just keep the line clear,

Dung Beetle, please?

Aardvark is in trouble.

What do I do? What do I do?

Talk to me, talk to me.

I didn't want it
to come to this,

but you're gonna have
to fight that tiger.

No, do not!
Do not fight the tiger!

Do not be a gentleman, you go
right for the fucking balls.

I don't see its balls.

Do not fight the tiger!
You will lose!

If that's a girl tiger,
you got to cunt punt that bitch.

- Dave, shut the fuck up.
- Cunt punt that fucking bitch!

Please tell me you know
that that's a stupid idea.

Please, please don't try
to fight the tiger.

I'm gonna make a run for it.

Do not run for it!

You will die.

It's coming.

You go, go, go, buddy!
Go, buddy!

Look out, look out!
It's coming after you!

It's coming after you!

- Oh, God, I'm alive.
- Aaron!

- I'm alive.

Are you in the tiger, Aardvark?

Are you inside the tiger?

Are you okay?

Do you have the package?

This is Aardvark.

I think the package just killed
the fucking tiger.

Fantastic.
You have to secure the package.

Secure
the motherfucking package.

He's got the package.
He has the package.

I got it; what do I do with it?

Aardvark,
there are people coming.

You have to act now.

Secure the package,
secure the package.

- What do I do with it? -They're
coming right towards you.

They're gonna see it,
they're gonna see it.

You got to hide
that little missile.

I have to hide it somewhere?

Where the fuck do I hide it?

What do I do with it?
What do I do with it?

What if you hide it
in your butt?

I don't want to stick it
in my ass.

You got to put it
in your butt, Aardvark.

Comm One, please tell me
I don't have

to stick this think in my ass.

Okay, you're right. Just give us

one second
to come up with a better plan.

Isn't there anywhere else
I could secure it?

I think he should put it
in his asshole.

We don't have a better plan.
You're going to have

to stick it in your ass.

No! No!

No!

I've never done that.

I've been there before.
It looks huge.

That tiger blood
will lubricate it.

This will mess up my asshole!

Aardvark,
there-there are people there.

They are closing in on you.

They have guns.

You need to secure the payload

and you need
to secure it in your ass.

Just stick it in your butt.

Okay, fine, fine.

I'm there with you, bro.

Just listen to the soothing
tones of my voice.

Just breathe.

Oh, it's cold.

Just let everything go loose.

Oh, I don't like it!

The tip is...

it's the worst part.

Trust me on this.

- Inhale as you do it.

The tip of the package
is secure.

Comm One,
that thing is in his butt.

Owie, owie.

You are almost
in the end zone, Aardvark.

Just take it home.

The package is secure.

You are a hero.

You are a goddamn hero.

...All right,
they're coming, they're coming.

I got to go. Over and out.

Hi! Aah! Don't shoot me.

Oh, God!

Don't hurt me, please!

See? There's nothing in here.

There's nothing in here.

What?

Oh, God, no!

Ow!

Come on!

What the fuck?

Why? Why'd you do that?

Why'd you do that?!

Is this what you want?

There! You like it?!

You like it?!

It's all yours, fuckers!

Stay in the room, American.

Hey, they're gone.
Did they look in your butt?

- No, they didn't look in my butt.
- It's still in there?

- Yes, it's in there.
- Wow. Must be deep.

- It is.
- Get it out.

I'm gonna fucking get it out.

I'm here to help.

...Hey.

- How'd it go? -One ricin strip
with your name on it.

Got it.

All right.

See, not so bad.

Yeah, not so bad.

- What?!
- Yeah.

- That?
- This.

- In your bu...?
- Asshole.

- No!
- Yes.

I was picturing
something, like, this big.

Yeah, that I could live with.

As soon as you get home,

you need to see a proctologist.

I'm afraid to fucking look.

You got fucked by RoboCop, dude.

Uh, who is it?

It is, uh, Kim Jong-un.

What?

Kim Jong-what?

I am the Supreme Leader of,
uh, North Korea.

What?

What the fuck?

- It's him.
- It's fucking him.

What is he doing here?
What the fuck?

Hide it, hide it, hide it.

- Put it back up.
- No.

I'm not putting it back up.

No, I'm gonna hide it
in my room.

- Okay. What do I do with this?
- Go say hi to him.

Do I put it on right now?

No, then he'll die
when we're still here.

...Put it in your pocket.

- Okay, fine.
- Okay, fine.

- Come with me.
- No, I got to hide this.

- Aaron, just come with me.
- No, no...

Aaron, Aaron.

Hi.

Good morning, Dave.

Good morning.

Hi.

Dave Skylark, ah.

It's crazy.

Oh, I have a gift for you.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

This.

Oh, oh, this is me.

It's you.

Oh, that's great.

I always wanted
one of these... a bust.

Dave Skylark.

Hey!

- Thank you.
- You like that?

So you really like the show?

No, I might not show it,
but I'm freaking out.

You're like a superfan.

I really am.

Yeah.

That's so cool.

Don't say something stupid, Kim.

Okay, so I, uh,

thought you might enjoy,
uh, breakfast

and a tour of my home.

I'd absolutely love to.

You know, I have to admit,
before I came here,

I thought this place
was gonna be a dump.

Of course.

For decades, you've heard
the false rumors:

"North Korea is a failed state.

We can't feed our people."

- Yeah.
- It's all propaganda.

I see.
Well, yeah, I mean...

I did see a fat kid

and a really nice-looking
grocery store.

Oh, we have beautiful grocery
stores here in North Korea.

You know, one of my
favorite things to do

is just strolling up
and down the aisles

to see the-the beautiful fruits
of my country's land.

I can believe that.

It looks like you hit
the grocery store pretty often.

Screw you, Dave.

- Hey, you want to see
something cool? -Yeah.

Holy fuck-a-moley!

Is that real?

It was a gift to my
grandfather from Stalin.

In my country,
it's pronounced "Stallone."

You're so funny, Dave.

Uh, right.

Well, can we look inside?

Fuck, yeah, we can.

Come on.

This is so cool.

- A tank!
- Yeah, a tank.

Whoa.

Is it still live?

I don't know.

Maybe we should find out.

Look... you have a...
sound system in here?

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't... d-don't touch.

- Katy Perry?
- Oh...

Oh, uh... no, my wife
must have put that in there,

'cause I've never heard this
before in my life.

I love Katy Perry!

♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em
what you're worth... ♪

I love... I mean,
I have this on...

I listen to this all the time.

- Really?
- I love her!

You know why I really like her?

'Cause... because she has
such a strong message

for young women and girls
across the planet.

She's a... It's so empowering.

Yeah.

You know, Dave, sometimes I feel
like a plastic bag.

Drifting through the wind?

Wanting to start again.

Oh.

♪ As you shoot across the ♪

♪ Sky, sky, sky... ♪

Oh, good times.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Uh, Dave?

Do you think
that margaritas are gay

because they are so sweet?

Did someone tell you that?
That margaritas are gay?

No, it's just a question I have.

If liking Katy Perry
and drinking margaritas is gay,

then who wants to be straight?

- Not me.
- Boring!

Margaritas are great.

And whoever planted that
in your head is crazy.

Let me ask you something.

Does this thing still run?

Oh, man, this is great, right?

Can we fire the gun?

You think I'd tease you
and not take you all the way?

- Really?
- Close that shit.

- Closing the hatch.
- Okay.

Boom, boom, boom!

Oh, shit!

Fuck you, tree!

The control room
will be fully staffed

to insure an uninterrupted
transmission.

All right.

This is the kill switch.

During the interview,
if any parameters are violated,

I will use it
and cut the signal.

Don't worry, we're gonna
stick with the program here.

I will be in charge of every
aspect of this transmission.

Dave and the show itself
are very dependent on me

when it comes to how we
actually shoot the show.

I know.
I've watched every episode

in preparation
for this interview.

Wow!

I particularly enjoyed

the Miley Cyrus
camel toe episode.

Oh, the camel toe episode.
That was good.

I've never heard
this expression before.

But after seeing it,
it is a perfect

representation of her vagina.

It is; it looked exactly
like that, yeah.

- It's very deep.
- Very deep. Yeah.

She has quite a
hearty moose knuckle.

You Americans are so creative
with your sexual innuendos.

- We do it very well.
- Many animal references.

Oh, yes, tons.

Please, take this printed copy
of the questions.

It's crucial Dave review them
before the interview.

Officers Koh and Yu
will now take you

to your room,
where you'll be served lunch.

Come, American.
Time to get even fatter.

Oh, ha-ha. Great.

Thanks, guys.

Making you my little
Korean bitch!

What are you gonna do?

You gonna drop
some nukes on L.A.?

- Nuke your mama.
- I bet they can't even

make it to Australia!

Face!

Man, this is so nice.

Let me ask you something.

Now, don't take this
the wrong way.

You can ask me anything, Dave.

Do you pee and poo?

You've heard the stories, huh?

Yes, I pee and poo.

So you have a butthole.

I've got a butthole,

and it's working overtime.

You are awesome.

You know, this is so weird.

You are, like, the coolest guy.

But a lot of people

say that...

you're bat-shit crazy.

They're not wrong.

I'm 31 years old.

The fact that I am running
a country is bat-shit crazy.

Hey, what am I to do

when 24 million people

look to me as their
leader, their god?

What am I to do
when my father's dying wish

was for me to carry his torch?

Wow.

You want to know what my father
said to me on his deathbed?

What did he say, Dave?

"I'm disappointed,

because you haven't done
enough with your life."

That is fucked up.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Jordan!

Oh!

- They call me incompetent.
- That's exactly what they

- said about me when I scored
this interview. -No way.

They said, "Dave Skylark
is stupid and incompetent."

You're handsome,
competent, suave.

How dare they!

I pretend like their insults
don't get to me.

But they do.

You know what's more destructive
than a nuclear bomb?

Words.

And the people are jealous
of men like you and me.

It's as though they despise us
because they are not us.

Hate us 'cause they ain't us.

Exactly.

They hate us
because they ain't us.

- That's a great saying, okay?
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us!

They hate us
because they ain't us.

Kim! You got it, boy!

Okay. Okay. Alley-oop!

Oh!

...That's all right.

- That's all right.
- Oh, my ankles.

- Okay.
- Hey, Kim.

Let me ask you something.

Was your father the one who said
that margaritas are gay?

He said that my brothers and I
were all too feminine.

That our luxurious lifestyles
turned us into homosexuals.

I don't have to worry
about that anymore.

Because guess what
I get tons of.

Pussy.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Dude, you just spent
the fucking day

with Kim Jong-un.
What happened?

Ah...

It was amazing.

- "It was amazing"?
- Yeah.

I think it was one of
the best days of my life.

- What?
- We smoked joints,

played basketball,

fucked chicks.

We had the best margaritas.

Did you say you fucked chicks?

Oh, my God.

Kim Jong is an animal.

You know you have to kill this
fucking guy tomorrow, right?

I've been thinking a little bit
about the mission.

Okay.

America, you know,

always puttin' its nose
in things and screwin' 'em up.

The truth is, Kim is a master
at manipulating the media.

- Yeah.
- You're the media.

You get what's happening here?

Maybe the media's
manipulating you.

"Maybe the media's manip..."?

What the fuck does
that even mean?

I'm the only one who's spent
real time with him, all right?

Spent face-to-face time.

Dick-to-dick.

It's just, man, I can sympathize

with people that get dumped on
by the media... and it sucks.

Well, you know
what else fuckin' sucks?

Concentration camps, famine,
firing squads...

I didn't see any here.
Have you?

No.

Your attendance is required
in the banquet room

of the Eternal Leader.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Yeah, seriously.

You are looking fantastic.

Your unhealthy obsession
with my well-being

is only making me more
suspicious of you two.

- You don't have to be suspicious.
- DAVE: Oh, no, no.

I just want to know what
your routine is, man.

You look fantastic.
Do you take vitamins or...?

- You're doin' somethin' right.
- Yeah, you look good.

Do not ask us any more question.

Meet us in the banquet hall.

You see how big their guitars
are compared to their bodies?

I think it's funny.

That is funny.

Oh, no.

It's happening.

Dave.

Dave.

No.

- Wait, what?
- Look at the fu...

They're good.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Caw, caw.

- What do we do?
- He's gonna poo.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no.

- It's happening.

So gross.

- Oh, no, no, no.

...Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

It's okay, man.

No.

Come on, man.

We just killed two innocent men.

Look, Dave, first of all,

it's not your fault
that those men died.

Second of all, they had to go.

They knew we were
up to something.

- I'm out.
- What?

- You cannot pull out of this.
- I'm pulling out.

- You're way too deep to pull out.
- I'm pullin' out.

No, you are not.
You are leaving it in.

I been pullin' out
for years, son.

You are not fucking
pulling out of this mission.

That's the only reason
we're here.

We are doing this!

Kim is not evil.

He was just born
into a hard situation.

You are fucking stupid, and you
are fucking ignorant, Dave.

- Mm!
- Ugh!

- Who you calling ign'ant?
- You, motherfucker.

You're fuckin' arrogant.

Everything he's
shown you is fake.

He's shown you
what you want to see.

He's fooled you,
you fucking idiot!

God, look how ready
you are to betray me.

This whole time I thought you
were Samwise to my Frodo.

But you're just Boromir.

I don't know
who the fuck that is.

"I don't know who Boromir is."

That's such a Boromir thing
to say.

This is fuckin' done.

You are fuckin' done after this.

Once you kill this motherfucker,
this shit's over.

But you are going to kill him!

You've just turned me into
a gun, and you're pointing me

at the one guy
who actually gets me.

Well, you know what, cowboy?

A gun can't fire
without no bullets.

What the fuck are you doing?!

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes! Yes, yes!

Do you realize
what you just did?

I just saved a life,
you murderer.

- You piece of fu...
- Mr. Skylark.

The Supreme Leader requests
your presence

at a restaurant
in Pyongyang for dinner.

He will be at your door
in 30 minutes.

Hey, Dave.

Thank you for being with me
in my time of sorrow.

That was super-gross
and fucked-up.

Hi.

Uh, Mr. Supreme Leader.

I'm Aaron.

- Aaron?
- Hello.

Uh, we never got a chance to
formally meet, Mr. Great Leader.

I just wanted
to shake your hand.

Well, any friend of Dave
is a friend of mine.

Uh-huh.

No!

- Don't shake that hand.
- Why not?

Yeah, why not?!

Because Aaron's a Jew.

- Oh, gross.
- Let's go, Supreme Leader.

Okay. It was nice
meeting you.

Don't you know Jews
are bad luck?

Fuck you, fuck you!

Friends don't kill
friends' friends.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Mr. Rapoport, we need to review
some new data

the Leader wants included
in tomorrow's interview.

Now's not really the best time.

It will only take a moment.

Yeah, okay.

- Great.
- Thank you.

Would you like to share a drink?

- Raise your glasses.

Koh and Yu!

Koh and Yu possessed the finest
trait men can have:

Loyalty.

I know how you feel.
My dog Digby died

when I was a kid, and I'm still
fucked up about it.

Loyalty is what made my father

and grandfather so successful.

That's right. Listen up.
Hey, listen up. You.

Without loyalty,

a country is a lawless jungle.

Welcome to the jungle, baby.
Welcome to the jungle.

On your
sh-n-n-n-n-n-n knees.

How else can I prevail
against so many enemies?

Defectors.

South Korean capitalists.

The people in this room...

who don't think I can fill
my father's shoes!

These bastards
deserve no humanity!

To those who seek
to undermine me,

at home and abroad,

I cannot respond
with anything less

than the totality
of my strength!

If a billion people across the
Earth and in my own country

must be burned to prove it

then my worthiness as a Kim

will be demonstrated!

Um...

Hey, Kim, I gotta go outside.

Is that okay?
I'm just feelin'...

Too much, uh,
s-s-soju, whatever.

Okay.

I'll be back.

So how'd you wind up
as one of the heads

of a, uh, dictatorship?

Ah.

One day, party officials
came to my classroom

in search of a young woman

to serve on the Kim
family personal staff.

They selected me.

Over the years,

I grew close
with Kim Jong-un.

When he rose to power,
he took me with him.

And here I am.

Kinda have a guy like that
in my life, too.

You've been with Dave
a long time.

He's a hard guy to leave.

You just like the money
and can't say no to Dave.

No...

Yes! I know you.

You're fuckin' awesome.

- No, I don't understand you.
- And it's a little bit weird.

I mean, do you have a boyfriend
in this country?

Is that too forward
of me to ask?

What are you lookin' at?

- I should leave.
- Why?

I'm concerned my feelings
of attraction for you

will cause me to make mistakes.

Your feelings
of attraction for me?

Fuck this!

Ever since I saw you on that
mountaintop,

this is all I've been
thinking about.

Me, too.

Fake.

Fake carrots.

Fake fruit!

Fake!

Fake!

Fake grapefruits!

Fake!

Liar!

You liar!

Why aren't I naked yet?

Uh...

- Aah!
- Yeah.

You're hairy, you're
so hairy like a bear!

You're fucking sexy, yeah.

Your nipples are so pink!

Yes, they are.

I love it!

Okay, no, whoa, no!

- No hands.
- No hands?

I'm not into handsy shit.

That's how I like it.

Well...

Just take it off.

Okay.

You said no hands!

You fucking hit me
with your hand!

How do I get it off?

Use your big, fat
American teeth.

Okay, I will!

This is awesome.

Oh, this is hard.

Shit...

Oh, shit, what's wrong?

The numbers I gave you
on potato output...

are exaggerated.

That's okay with me.
I don't really care about that.

If you want, you can give me

the real numbers,
and we can get back

- to what we were doing.
- No, it's not just the numbers.

I am a terrible person.

No, you're not.
You're the best person.

You were about
to have sex with me.

That's like the best thing
someone could do.

I'm the propagandist of a
totalitarian dictatorship.

That's an area
you could improve,

but, you know, you don't have
to dwell on it or anything.

He's as cruel as his father
and grandfather before him.

You knew this this whole time.

Why is this just
bothering you now?

It's been bothering
me for a long time,

and I'm not the only one,

but too many people
see him as a god.

How do you prove to
24 million people

that their god is a
murderer and a liar?

- Aaron, I need to talk.

Fuck, it's Dave... shit.

You, you hide in there,
I'll be back.

- I'll go deal with him.
- Okay, go, go, go...

Oh, shit.

- Aaron, are you here?
- Yeah, one sec, uh, one sec.

- One sec... don't come in, don't come in!
- I need to talk.

Hey, how's it going, dude?

- Not good.
- Uh, maybe now's

not a good time, maybe
we should take a walk.

No, no, no, no,
I can't walk this off.

I cannot walk this off.

I need to...

I'm so fucking pissed.

I just want to hit something!

No, no!

No, don't punch anything!

Breathe.

Just breathe, maybe pace it out.

Fuck, man.

Kim.

- Wha-What about him?
- He's going crazy.

He said he's going
to blow up the world

just to show that he's the shit.

And at first, I thought,

"All right, maybe he's
just talking, you know,

maybe he doesn't mean it."

Then I saw this fake
fucking grapefruit.

What?

All the food
in that grocery store is fake!

He fucking lied to me.

Maybe that, maybe that
fat kid isn't fat.

I mean, oh, what about
the concentration camps?

And the famine...
Maybe that's real.

God!

It is... I've been telling you
that for weeks now.

He fucking honeydicked me.

He honeydicked
the shit out of me.

- Sucks.
- You still got that poison?

You can't speak?
What the fuck?

I want to know
if you have the fucking poison

- so we can kill that motherfucker.
- What?!

Whoa, ho, spy!
What the hell?!

- She's on our side!
- Fuck's going on here?!

- You can trust me, I'm okay.
- You can trust her, man!

Trust her?! Are you joking?!
We got to kill her.

- Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- Dude, I was in bed with her!

- What?!
- We're hooking up.

- That's why she's here.
- What?!

Let him go; everything is fine.

Now we got to kill
the girl that you like.

This is the worst moment ever!

We're not killing her!

- She's loyal to Kim.
- No!

Dude, she was just telling me
she's with us.

I hate Kim.

He is a terrible leader.

- See?
- Okay.

She can help us kill him.

What?
No, no, no killing.

Kim must die.

That's the American way.

How many times can the U.S. make
the same mistake?

As many times as it takes.

Killing Kim won't change
anything.

You said it yourself.

We got to do something, right?

He will be replaced.

He has brothers,
he has other generals.

The people need

to be shown
that he is not a god,

that he is a man.

Then they will be
ready for change.

Yeah, how?

Interviewing him.

Everyone in North Korea
will be watching.

No... the interview's scripted.

His people are never going
to let me ask real questions.

Dave, I am his people.

She controls the broadcast.

I can't do political interviews.

I do entertainment interviews.

Dude, you can fucking do this.

- Yeah? -Yeah, you don't
interview with your brain.

You interview with your heart.

- True.
- Your emotion, Dave.

You get Kim Jong-un
to fucking cry like a baby

in front of all of North Korea?

They'll know he's not a god.

- I think I can do this.
- You can do it.

I'm Dave Skylark
and I can interview anyone.

Yeah, you can.

Let's take
this motherfucker down!

- Oh, God, oh, God!
- Oh, ah!

- You got a lot
of pent-up energy! -

Oh, God!

Okay, everything's ready.

Uh, you ready to rock?

Y-You memorize all those facts?

I'm ready, baby.

Great.

How many people
in concentration camps?

200,000.

How many people malnourished?

16 million.

They spent $800 million
on nukes last year

and got $200 million
in food aid from the UN.

And I got more where
that came from, baby.

Really good... you're
going to nail this shit.

- I just wish we had a fucking escape plan.
- Why don't we go

- to Japan? -Well, 'cause it's
across the Sea of Japan.

- Why don't we swim?
- Can't swim that.

- Oh, I'm a good swimmer.
- It's really, really far.

- People have done it.
- Nope.

- Yep, Michael Phelps did it.
- That's not true.

- ...Okay.
- Okay.

Skylark, two-minute warning.

Just keep me on the air
as long as you can.

I will, man.

Maybe we won't get out of here.

No, we might die.

I've had a great life.

I had the best best friend.

Fucked more women
than Ellen DeGeneres.

And now it's time

for the North Korean people
to get their dicks wet.

This is a perfect ending
for the tell-all.

As the two best friends
stared each other in the eyes,

they knew that this might be

the end of the long road,

but they also knew

how much they meant to
each other, and even though

neither one could say it
out loud,

they were both thinking...

I love you.

Okay, man, you got this.

Okay.

Showtime.

Dave.

Kim.

Are you ready to share
with the world

that gorgeous smile of yours?

Tonight, I think it's
your smile they want to see.

I have something for you.

What?!

What's this?

Open.

Aw... aw!

...For me?

For you.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh...!

Oh, he's just like Digby.

Just like Digby.

I think I'm gonna die.

- Oh, my God...
- Don't die, please.

Not till after the interview.

This dog is killing me
with cuteness.

- He's crazy cute.
- Can I keep it?

Take him home, forever and ever.

Why?

I live a lonely life, Dave...

and it warms my heart to know

that there is someone
in this world

with whom I can truly be myself.

Whatever they say about you...

...they're wrong.

I'm just me and I do my best.

You're my brother.

You're my brother.

Let's get this
out of the way, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

And what are
we gonna name you, huh?

You need a name?
Yes, you do.

Look, look.
He looks just like Digby.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

: We see you
in a minute. Bye-bye.

- Okay...
- Okay.

- Shall we begin?
- Are you ready?

Shut the fuck up.

Guys, it's starting!
It's starting.

And we're on in five...

four, three...

Good evening.

And good morning to our viewers
around the world.

I'm Dave Skylark.

Thank you for joining me for
this historic moment in history.

I'm with President Kim Jong-un

of the Democratic People's
Republic of Korea.

We are broadcasting

from a station
outside of Pyongyang

for this very special
edition of:

"Skylark Tonight."

Thank you for joining me,

President Kim Jong-un.

It is my pleasure, Dave.

You know, there is so much
misunderstanding

about North Korea

and, uh, me personally.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I can't think of a man

with greater intelligence
than you.

I am grateful

for this opportunity
for my government

and for the international
community

to forge a better relationship.

So you want to set
the record straight.

Indeed, Dave.

Camera three.

Tensions between your nation

and South Korea are
at an all-time high.

It's fair to say that you're on
the brink of armed conflict.

So, what I want to know is:

In these times of great stress,

do you do karaoke?

Yes, I do, Dave.

I believe that it is important
for those in power

to remain in touch
with the beauty in life.

You are also a very accomplished
painter, aren't you?

Well, how can I not be?

He's reading
the scripted questions.

He lulls them
and then he gets them.

It's his technique.

The beauty guides you.

It guides my hand.

This is fuckin' bullshit.

Let's take it to a serious tip.

Supreme Leader Kim, when...

the United States,

which has an enormous stockpile
of nuclear weapons,

insists that countries
like yours have none,

does that feel
hypocritical to you?

Many Americans do not realize

that the war in North Korea

was entirely the fault
of the United States.

Damn! Kim's callin' us out!

- You really are still hopeful?
- No, no, I'm not

hopeful at all.
He's totally bailed on the plan.

America, what you done
to these Koreans?

This is a little embarrassing.

So when you think of all that
your country has been through...

The wars, the floods...

Do you think that your people
should be rewarded

for their resilience
and strength?

Of course, Dave.

Then why don't you feed them?

- ...Hmm..
- Mm...

Uh... I...

Camera two.

I... beg your pardon?

Why don't you feed your people?

They are hungry.

Specifically,
two-thirds of them?

Isn't that a little
embarrassing, since you're

the one they view
as a provider and a god?

And you spend $800 million
on nukes every year?

And you have 16 million people

who are starving?

Are you sure you don't, uh...

mean to ask me
about potato yields?

No, I want to know

about that other thing
I just asked.

Okay, uh, well, uh...

Dave, as you have seen
for yourself

we have a great bounty of food
in North Korea.

What I saw for myself

was a fake grocery store

with a fake fat kid planted
right in front of it.

Okay, uh, this is, uh...

an offensive
line of questioning.

I don't think it's offensive.
I think it's super important.

Obviously, if you don't want
to answer these questions,

you can just get up
and walk away.

I can't keep you
from retreating.

- He's gonna go for the button.
- He's not. He's sitting there.

- He's not moving.
- He's going for the button.

He's going for the button,
he's going for the button...

He's not. Oh, shit.
He's making a move!

Don't move, homie!

Get your hand away from there!
Get over there!

Over there!

Get over there!

I will cap you!

I'm exploding with energy.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I feel so alive right now.
This is so real.

He's got him. Nice!

- Dave! Dave...
- I know you, Kim.

Dave...

perhaps the question
you should ask is:

How have I managed to keep
my country so well-nourished

despite the harsh and unjust
economic sanctions

imposed on North Korea
by the United States?

Sanctions? Uh...

Don't you know
that the United States

has more incarcerated people
per capita than North Korea?

- No. But...
- So, perhaps, now,

you would like to return

to the civil discussion
we had originally agreed upon.

Uh...

- No!

Oh, shit! Go to camera one!

Camera three! Camera three!

Do not move, homie!

Give me something!
Give me fucking something!

Okay...

Why?!

Fuck! Shit, that hurts!

We don't have
concentration camps, Dave.

Have you seen
one person mistreated

since your arrival here?

Oh, shit!
Someone's coming.

Someone's coming.

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Dave, unless you can show me
a person, a photo

of widespread hunger...

Aaron!

Do not fuck with my angles!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

You're fucking up the angles!

Sit still!

Go wide, camera two!

Slow push!

Thank you!

Face it, Dave, you have failed.

You've made wild allegations
but you have proven nothing.

You made this long journey

just to show the world that they
were right about you.

You are incapable of
conducting a real interview.

You're a joke!

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, it sucks.

Because I need
people's approval.

Desperately.

Because I could never get it

from my father when I was a kid.

But I see a lot of
the same thing in you, Kim.

Your father...

deprived you of
life's simplest pleasures.

He told you
that margaritas are gay.

I have no comment on margaritas.

Then why don't you drink them?

I... don't like brain freeze.

Fuck you, Dave.

You fucking asshole.

I just have
one more question for you.

♪ Do you ever feel ♪

♪ Like a plastic bag ♪

♪ Drifting through the wind ♪

...♪ Wanting to start again? ♪

What is that?

- I don't know what that is.
- Oh, yes, you do.

No, I don't. I never heard that
before in my life.

♪ Do you ever feel ♪

♪ Feel so paper thin ♪

♪ Just like a house of cards ♪

♪ One blow from caving in? ♪

I don't know

what you're singing.

You know exactly what it is.

- No, I don't.
- You don't need to lie anymore.

Katy Perry's your favorite!

Katy who?

I don't know who
you're talking about.

♪ You just got to ignite ♪

♪ The light ♪

♪ And let ♪

♪ It shine ♪

- Not the chorus, please.
- ♪ And own ♪

♪ The night ♪

- Stop!
- ♪ Like it's the Fourth of July ♪

...♪ 'Cause, Kimmy ♪

- Stop!
- ♪ You're a firework ♪

♪ Go and show 'em
what you're worth ♪

♪ And make 'em go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ As you sail
across the sky-y-y ♪

♪ Kimmy, you're a firework! ♪

No!

I don't need my father!

I am strong!

Excuse me.

Did you just shart?

No, I didn't.

It was that camera guy.

It wasn't me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Kim Jong-un has just pooed

in his pants.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, let's go.

Damn, girl.

You a bad-ass.

: I thought
you were my friend, Dave.

I thought you were
my friend, Kim.

I thought everyone lied
about you.

And then I saw
that fake grapefruit

in that fake grocery store,

and I realized that you were
a fake friend.

And then you said
you were gonna blow everybody up

just to show what
a big guy you are?

No friend would blow up
another friend's country.

You're just a flawed man

with a big old butthole.

And you pee and poo
like the rest of us.

Well, tell me this, Dave.

Will you be so cocky

when I slay you in front
of the whole world,

you Yankee motherfucker?

If you shoot me,

you'll just be proving me right.

You're just a sad little man.

Dave! Dave! No!

This is Dave Skylark

signing off.

Good-bye, Dave.

Oh, man.

Bulletproof vest.

Genius!

He's alive, everybody!

Oh, fuck!

Got a bulletproof vest on!

I don't know how he got it,
but he's got it on!

Thank you for watching
my interview with Kim Jong-un.

This is Dave Skylark

signing off.

No!

- Aaron!
- Let's get the fuck out of here.

Wait!

The puppy.

Hey, what happened to your hand?

Someone bit
my fucking fingers off.

That's just like Frodo!

- Oh, shit!

Don't shoot! I have a puppy!

Go!

...Oh, no! No!

- What is that?!
- Oh, oh, no!

...Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! There's more!

You're a hero!

Thank you, sir!

That's the only way out.

Hey...

I have an idea.

Follow me.

...Is this Katy fucking Perry?!

Just leave it on!
It's helping me concentrate.

Oh, shit,
are those fucking nukes?

Let me check!

Oh, we really fucked up!

He's arming his fucking nukes!

Aah! Fuck!

Skylark!

Kim!

Fuck you!

Fire!

I've been grazed!

- How's the puppy?
- Puppy is okay!

You protect that puppy
with your life.

We got to do something!

He's gonna fucking kill us!

We're in a tank!

Shoot him back.

It's loaded!

Let's barbeque
this motherfucker.

On three.

Balls to the wall,
motherfuckers!

Boom, boom...

Boom!

Yes!

...Yes! Yes!

Yes!

- Okay.
- Okay.

That way.

It's an old mining tunnel.

- Holy shit, where does that go?
- West.

Away from Pyongyang.

Keep moving
until you reach the coast.

I wish you both luck.

You sound like you're
not coming with us.

- Yeah, Sook....?
- What-what are you doing?

I have to go to Pyongyang.

That's going right back
into the snake pit.

I can't leave North Korea.

I just helped plunge it
into chaos.

- Yeah, yeah. -So did we.
- I'm okay with leaving.

I have to ensure that the power

does not transfer
to the wrong hands.

I can't deny

that we have a chemistry,

but I have to stay here
for my people.

Okay.

I'm glad to meet you.

Okay.

Kiss her.

Kiss her, dude.

Yeah, get in there.

- Ooh...

I'm happy
to have met you, Aaron.

You, too.

Bye, Sook.

Have fun with the war.

- All right, it's clear.
- Okay.

Okay, here you go.

- You got him?
- All right... got him.

Yeah.

You out of that
big, old, scary hole?

Where are we?

I don't know.

Is this China?

I don't know.
Looks like North Korea.

Yeah.

Man.

- Well, which way's the coast?
- I have no idea.

Does that do something?

Dogs always run to the sea.

- That's not true.
- You got to find the sea.

I don't think
that's gonna happen, Dave.

...Shit.

- Shit! Shit! Shit!
- Protect the puppy!

- Protect the puppy!
- Stop! It's them.

Echo Romeo Five.

Echo Romeo Five, we have contact

with Dung Beetle and Aardvark.

Aaron, Dave, I'm Captain Sung,

- SEAL Team Six.
- Holy shit.

How'd you guys find us?

We tracked you using the GPS

- on your wristwatch.
- Oh, my God.

Let's get you boys home.

Oh, my God.

For you.

Me?

Is it the president?

Mr. Obama?

Nope, just me, Agent Lacey.

Agent Lacey.

Fancy hearing from you here.

I enjoyed your interview, guys.

Now try not to fuck up
your extraction.

Get home safe.

Guess who's going to America
where they don't eat doggies?

- And you get all the good stuff,
- Okay, let's just go.

- and it's nice. -Let's get
out... Can we please go? Okay.

Get them in.

Take the dog.

She honeypotted me.

What? What are you
talking about?

Sook.

Think about it, man.

I mean, she researched me,
she seduced me,

she commandeered my plans,
made them her own.

I mean, she used me.

I'll admit it was for, like,
a really good fucking cause,

but she honeypotted me.

Yeah.

Well, good riddance.

I hated that fucking bitch.

Really?

Nah, just thought it would
make you feel better.

That was your one true love.

Now she's gone.

Doesn't make me feel any better.

...Well, you have us,

and "we wuv you."

"We aw wuv each other."

: "And as
the North Korean coastline

"receded in the distance,

"we heard the crackling
of gunfire.

"It was the beginning
of a revolution...

"a revolution
Aaron and I started.

"Of course, in a tale like this,

"you might expect to find

"some hot CIA

"honeypot

bombshell..."

"...maybe a few drones

or a secret CIA watch."

You got Skype!

So good to see your face.

Wait, someone else
wants to say hi.

Guess what we named him?

Kim Jong-un.

Aaron, that's a little
fucked up, no?

Oh, it's super fucked up,
but he's cute, though.

"But there was none of that.

"No.

"This was a revolution

"ignited with nothing more

"than a camera

"and some questions.

"Questions that led a man

"once revered as a god

"among mortals to cry

"and shit his pants.

The end."

Thank you.