All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E13.WEB.TBS.en

(Birds chirping)

Dobro jutro, my darlings!

That, of course, is good morning in...

- Bosnian.
- We know!

Well, I happened upon the most charming

petite patisserie this
morning, and I thought,

my children deserve breakfast in bed!

Okay, have we done
something? I'm so confused.

What do you want?

Just to be near you.

Chalk it up to the heightened
emotionality of opening night

just around the corner, and...

my bebe girl leaving me so soon!

Okay. Thank you so much.

- I'm not convinced.
- Moira: My pleasure.

Oh! And the programs arrived today.

Can't wait to see them.

500 shiny new programs.

Aren't these just the
cinnamon buns from the lobby?

And wouldn't you know it,

they have presented themselves unfolded.

Oh no, so you have to fold them all?

Theoretically.

But then you remember my
crippling carpal tunnel

from all those years of signing checks.

So why don't I grab you a big stack,

and you two can turn it into a fun game.

I'm out for the afternoon.

Patrick is taking me on a picnic.

- Hm.
- Then Alexis,

perhaps you can bring a
few hundred to the cafe,

and you and Twyla can gossip and fold,

and fold and gossip?

Nope, this is my one day off,

and Ted and I are doing trip stuff.

They need to be folded!

And I brought you pastries, and coffees!

Okay well, this coffee
has nothing in it.

Oh, it's just a gesture, David!

- Stop being so literal.
- Okay...

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

(Birds chirp)

(Door clicks open, slams)

Hey, what are we doing over here?

Well, Galapagos has some
pretty killer beaches,

so I thought we should come prepared.

Oh my God, Turkish Cosmo
once included my photo

on their list of the
world's best sarongs.

So let's just say I know
my way around a beach.

(Laughs) All right,
uh... goggles, snorkels.

I don't actually go in the open water,

but I can't wait to see you do that.

- What else?
- We got lots of stuff.

Biodegradable shampoo, and...

- malaria pills.
- Excuse me?!

Uh no, they're just preventative.

We'll also be bringing insect repellant.

Okay. Maybe we can just
get one of those sexy

little mosquito nets for around our bed?

Those are actually an
insane safety hazard.

If they catch fire,
you're basically trapped

in a burning cage, so.

- But, totally.
- (Alexis whimpers)

Actually, you know what?

Why don't we go grab some breakfast,

and I will tell you
more about our bed there,

and what we'll be doing in it.

Theodore!

Look at this romantic
getaway you've planned.

It's gonna be the best.

We've just gotta make a
quick pit-stop at the doctor's,

to get some vaccines, and
then we'll grab a bite.

Okay, part of me is wondering
if we even need the vaccines?

No, it's just a quick needle, Alexis.

Think of it like um, getting Botox.

Ew, Ted! What am I, 32?

Oof!

(Car rumbles)

(Engine shuts off)

- Patrick: Oh.
- David: Sure.

(Door slams)

- Hey, what are we doing?
- We're here.

Yeah, I just sorta feel
like picnicking by the side

of the road is basically an
invitation to be murdered.

We're going on a hike, David.

What, you always say you wanna do more

physical activity, right?

Yes, so that you can
tell me I don't need to!

I thought we were going on a picnic.

We are. We just have
to hike to get there.

Yeah, I was picturing us like,

on a charming park bench in the middle

of a private English garden.

David, you have to stop
watching "Notting Hill".

It's not helpful for our relationship.

- Okay. Speak for yourself.
- There you go.

- What is this?
- That's your picnic basket.

We're gonna need our
hands free for the...

- For the hike.
- Hey, you're gonna love this.

- Trust me.
- Will I?

- (Groans)
- (Car alarm beeps on)

Let's go, David!

(Bird caws)

(Insects buzz, woodpecker pecks)

Okay.

That's it.

Oh, look at you, John,
my handsome proletarian.

All rumpled and sweaty.

Well, I'd be less sweaty if
Roland hadn't just stood there

and watched me load all the
furniture onto his truck.

Johnny, I am loaning you my truck.

And besides, I think you'd look good

with a little working-man glow on you.

I could do without the
musky aroma though, whew!

You know, Moira, when
you said you needed

a few pieces of furniture from the motel

to round out the set for Cabaret,

I didn't think you'd
be robbing us blind.

According to Mrs. Rose,
our motel is the only place

sad enough to pass for
a pre-war Berlin brothel.

(Exhales deeply)

Are you okay, Mr. Rose?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

Uh, Moira, what else?
Anything else I can do?

If you'll just get this
seating chart to the truck,

you'll be then free as a bird.

Until we get to the theater.

Yeah, I'll spot you, Johnny.
Lift with your legs.

- (Grunts with effort)
- There you go.

- Ah! Oh!
- Oh John, be careful!

- It's a rental.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It slipped right through my fingers.

Just like your youth, right, old man?

Mr. Rose, do you think
maybe you should...

just take a seat for a second?

Uh... okay. Just for a minute, though.

I'm good.

Wow, Johnny, are you okay?

How long has this
affliction been operative?

Yeah, I felt a little
tightening this morning,

Moira, when I picked
up that box of programs

from the printer's, but I'm good.

John, how was I to
know you were in peril?

You keep everything
inside, like a bashful clam!

Okay, Mrs. Rose, I think
maybe we should take him

- to the hospital.
- That sounds alarmist.

Right, John?

It's just a little muscle
pull, that's all, Moira.

Yeah, you know, my cousin, Lenny,

had the same exact thing, Johnny.

Well, what did your
cousin do? Can we call him?

(Sighs) You can try, I don't
think you'll have much luck.

The poor guy died of a heart attack.

What? No!

John? John, can you hear me?

Can you hear me? Try to
follow the sound of my voice.

Moira, I'm gonna need
your voice to take five

for a minute, thank you.

Okay, I really think we
should go to the hospital.

Okay, you know what? I think...

I think may-maybe it's time to go.

Okay, no one panic.

Okay Stevie, get your car.

John's a slow driver.

We'll leave the programs behind.

Or maybe we'll bring
a stack for the trip?

- N-no, Mrs. Rose!
- You're right.

- Everybody move!
- Okay.

No! Not you, John!

(Dog barks)

Twyla: So this card means luck.

- I think. And...
- What's going on here?

Twy, I didn't know you played solitaire.

I don't. These are tarot cards.

I'm raising money for a new dishwasher,

so I'm offering five
dollar card readings.

Yeah, and she's good too.

Last time she told me I
was in for a bit of luck,

and I won ten bucks on a lotto ticket.

- Whoa!
- I spent $20, but...

still.

Ahem!

Um, so where did you learn
how to tell fortunes, Twy?

Oh, one of my mom's
ex-boyfriends was a magician,

and a gambling addict.

But he was also really
good at reading tarot cards.

He predicted when he
was going to leave my mom

like, to the day.

Yeah, that's kinda why
I don't love this stuff.

It can really mess with your head.

Babe. It's for charity.

Twyla needs someone to wash her dishes.

No, no, the restaurant
needs a new appliance.

Oh, okay.

Well, you should probably
get your story straight

if you're getting people
to donate money, though.

- Come on, it'll be fun.
- Oh, okay, fine.

But only because it's for a good cause.

- Yay!
- Okay...

Place your hands on the deck,

and think about something you want.

(Giggles)

Okay.

(Cards tap)

Hm...

Is something wrong, Twy?

Is there water near where you're going?

Yeah, we're going to an island.

Ooh! I forgot it was an island!

And are there boats near the water?

Yeah, there are boats on the water.

Oh, we can charter this
catamaran at sunset.

Yeah, so I see a boat capsizing.

- What?
- People screaming.

And a couple, like, under water.

And then it sort of fades to black.

Oh my God! Ted!

Okay no, wait come on,
you can't actually see that

in these cards.

Well, I also need to
interpret the cards.

Okay, so maybe you
could interpret something

a little more positive?

Oh, I also see a party.

People dressed up all fancy in black.

Like a black and white party?

Mm, more like a funeral.

(Groans)

Okay, there's no service here.

David, put your phone down.

We don't need service,
we have each other.

Well, if you can track my
eBay bid, then, by all means.

Did we really need two backpacks?

I mean, what are you
keeping in these things?

Well, you had a pretty long list,

and we needed ice
packs to keep the cheese

that you requested cold.

Well, did I get the ice pack one?

Because this is not light.

Just wonder why we couldn't
have found a meadow somewhere,

you know, with some
men on horseback like,

trotting in the background.

Okay, David, do you
want to turn around?!

Well, the app that's counting
my steps isn't working,

so I honestly don't know.

You know what?

I got up early to pack these bags for us

because I thought this would
be a fun thing to do together,

but obviously that was a mistake.

Okay, wow. So then,
let's keep going, then.

Well no, 'cause there's like,
another half an hour to go.

So I think it's probably
better if we just call it now,

and forget about the picnic.

Okay, well, we can't
forget about the picnic,

because I will need to
eat at some point soon.

Really?!

Okay! I love that
you've done this for us,

and I think you look very
dashing in your hiking clothes.

It's just a long way
to go for some cheese.

Then let's turn around, David.

- Because honestly, I...ohh!
- Where's the bear?

No, I stepped on a branch.
It went right through my shoe.

How do you know that it
went through your shoe?

- (Whimpers)
- Okay, everybody calm down.

- It's gonna be fine.
- Uhhuh.

- Uh-huh? So that
- We should go to the...

- Okay. This way.
- It's right in the soft part.

Yeah, I can see that.

(Siren wails)

Okay, why? Why are we still waiting?

Moira, it's a hospital.

Why don't you sit down, sweetheart?

John? John, I have sentiments that I...

that I often say to myself,

and I don't say them out loud to you,

and I'd like you to hear them.

Well, there are people around, Moira,

so depending on what it is
you're planning on saying.

I have given far too much

attention to this bicorn of a show.

And I want you to know, John,

that you are the most important
thing in this world to me,

you know that, don't you?

And I include Caroline in that,

and I've had that wig for 40-years.

You don't have to be doing this, Moira.

- John, if you make it through...
- When!

- When what?
- When he pulls through!

Yes! Everything will change, John.

We are going to eat healthier,

no... well, not... less,
less wine at dinner.

I'll have to keep the pills,

but I'm not one who's
the health risk here.

Mrs. Rose, you really need to sit down,

because at this point I feel like

I am at risk of heart failure.

Okay, I've been calling
David, and he's not picking up!

And what about Alexis?

There's an idea.

Anybody have her number? I'll text her.

Okay, Johnny, um...

I figured you were
probably hungry, so um,

I got you some snacks;
here's some chips.

And then, this, Johnny,
is an energy drink.

So that you can stay awake. No!

He shouldn't be having any of that.

Will you stop going
to the vending machine?

I'm sorry, Stevie,
hospitals make me nervous.

The last time I was
in one was with Lenny.

Although he didn't stay very long.

- Oh my God!
- What is wrong with you?!

Hm?

- Okay, Johnny Rose?
- Yeah.

- Here.
- Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman.

We're gonna take you
back for some tests.

- Good.
- Is "tests" code

for open heart surgery? You can tell me,

I once played a nurse on "M.A.S.H."

- Okay, is it a heart attack?
- At this point,

we just want to find
out what's going on.

- Mr. Rose. Okay.
- Yeah, I'll be fine.

- You're gonna be okay.
- I'll be fine.

Okay.

Be careful with him. Precious cargo.

Whoa, whoa, Moira.

Too soon, too soon. Come on.

Okay, David,

- I need you to pull it out.
- Okay, I told you

I don't think that's a good idea.

What, you think leaving
it in is a better idea?!

I would do it myself,

but it needs to be pulled straight out.

- Okay!
- Just pull it out, David!

- Oh my God!
- Straight out.

Eyes need to be open, please. Ss! Shh...

Shh for a second.

(Exhales deeply) Okay.

Is it bleeding?

- I don't know, my shoe is on!
- Okay.

Yeah, I don't see anything,

but we should still put something on it,

because I don't trust
where that stick has been.

Now, which of these backpacks
have the first aid kit in it?

I didn't bring one.

It was either the first
aid kit, or the ice packs.

I wanna go home, David!
This whole day's been a bust.

Well, that's not happening, so...

- What is that?
- It's hand sanitizer,

it can be used as a disinfectant.

You think I'd come to
a picnic without it?

Okay, there we go.

We'll reapply later,

but at least I don't have
to worry about gangrene.

I'm sorry for not
appreciating you enough today.

You've packed two big
backpacks full of food,

and not a Band-aid to be found
in either of them, but still.

If you wanna keep hiking, I
think we should keep hiking.

No, I don't think so.

But thank you.

I think I sorta killed the romance.

No, you didn't.

You planned this beautiful day for us.

And I think we should finish it.

Can you walk?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Then we keep going.

Also, I'm starving, and
I need to eat something.

(Sighs)

I should probably get
out in front, David.

You have no idea where you're going.

- Okay. That's fair.
- Ow!

(Insects buzz, dog barks)

Hey!

Hey.

Whatcha doin' there?

Um, just being on the internet.

Alexis, that's just
an image search for...

intense boating disasters?

I just wanted to know
what I would look like

after a catamaran accident.

Come on, you can't tell me
that you actually believe

Twyla's card reading.

Of course not.

We're just like, super-duper sure

that this is the vacation
we want to be taking?

What? This is not a
vacation. I'm going for work.

And look, if you're scared of drowning,

we don't have to go
on the catamaran tour.

Oh, it's more than that, Ted.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been traveling the
world since I was a teen model.

But something about this
just feels different.

Is this about the juice stand?

Because I told you, we
can just make our own.

There's fruit literally everywhere.

Okay, this might sound insane,

but I've had this like, nagging feeling

that as soon as I get there,

I'm gonna start
thinking about my family.

That-that doesn't sound insane.

Okay, maybe I'm not
expressing myself clearly.

Like, I will physically be there,

but I will be thinking about them here.

Right, so...

what you're describing
is missing someone,

and it is a totally normal feeling.

Well, this is a new feeling for me, Ted!

What if something happens to David?

I'm basically his only friend.

Or my Dad.

David and my mom
sometimes gang up on him,

and I'm basically his only friend.

Okay, Alexis,

you are taking a step out of the nest

for the first time in a while,

and that's a good thing.

And if we get there, and we hate it,

well, we'll probably
have to wait it out a bit,

just because it's pretty far away,

and it would be pretty tough to re-book

our travel arrangements, but...

if we still hate it after that,

we can just come home.

You're right.

Oh, no, no, we're gonna close that now.

'Cause there are some pretty
disturbing images on there.

Oh God!

(Tablet clatters)

Man on PA: Dr. Stevens, Room One.

Well, you know, uh...

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

It's been a long time,

that's usually not a good sign.

- Roland.
- Hmm?

I don't think Mrs. Rose
needs to hear that right now.

In the Balkan Peninsula they say,

"silence is but an
empty serving platter."

I'm sure there's a
deluge of benign reasons

they're keeping John back there.

Yeah, I'm sure.

He-he probably just roped them

into one of his long-winded stories.

(Chuckles)

Or he could be on a table
with a triple bypass.

Mr. Rose is gonna be fine, he has to be.

(Exhales) I mean, I can't be
left alone with this motel.

I don't do math.

(Door bangs)

Dr. Lipman: Hey, folks.

I have an update on Mr.
Rose's condition for you.

We did an endoscopy,
and found it was in fact

severe heartburn.

We gave him an antacid, a strong one,

and he's doing just fine.

(Laughs)

Johnny: And I drained a 20-footer,

and finished with an eagle.

John! You scared me!

Oh Johnny, I thought this
was the end of the road

for you, pal! Ohhh!

You're a blessing, my friend!

A blessing! A real blessing.

- You are.
- Thank you, Roland.

Ohhh...

Mr. Rose needs to lay off
the morning cinnamon buns,

and steer clear of
acidic foods for a while.

But apart from that, he's good to go.

Is he, then?

Well, he did say that there have been

some fatal cases... of heartburn.

Did I?

Is everything okay, Stevie?

Yep, I'm just really not looking forward

to folding those programs.

It's good to have you back, Mr. Rose.

Well, it's good to be back.

And thank you, Doctor.
I'll have to call you

with the rest of that
Pebble Beach story.

Oh John, the man's done enough!

- David, I'm fine.
- You were limping,

and the rest of the hike
would've made it worse.

Plus, you don't want to
know what my Mom would do

if you showed up to opening
night, and couldn't walk.

Oh, okay.

Oh boy.

(Sighs)

Oh... oh!

Well, this is nice.

I wouldn'tve made you hike all this way

if I didn't think it
was gonna be worth it.

I know you a little better than that.

Okay, so how should I set up the picnic?

Yeah, I think it might
be a bit late for that.

Why don't we uh,

why don't we just take in
the view for a little while,

and then we'll save the
picnic for another day?

Okay, I didn't carry you up a mountain

not to eat cheese after, so...

I don't know, David.

Okay, just tell me what to
do, and I'll set it all up!

Okay, fine. Um...

in the red bag there's a blanket,

you can take that out and lay it down,

Okay.

This is nice.

Uh, in the second bag, there is a bundle

of crackers and cheese.

- Uh... excuse moi!
- And champagne.

Hmm!

And uh, just one more thing.

Um, if you go into
that front pocket there,

there's actually something.

(Rustling)

Get it open.

(Pants)

(Half laughs, half sobs)

What's going on?

So I used to come on this hike a lot,

when I first moved here, and I was uh,

I was developing feelings for this guy

I had just gotten into business with.

And... I didn't know what to do about it

because I didn't know if that guy

had the same feelings.

Or if I'd ever be able
to muster up the courage

- to let him know how I felt.
- (Emotional exhale)

And now, here he is.

The love of my life,

standing in front of me.

(Sobs)

And this just felt
like the perfect place

to ask you to marry me.

(Sobs)

Wha-are you sure?

Easiest decision of my life.

(Laughs)

Mm!

(Both laugh)

Are these 24-karat?

It's a yes, it's a yes! I love you.

(Both laugh)

(Bell on door jingles)

- Hey, Twy.
- Alexis.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing, I was just on
my way back from Ted's,

and I thought I'd pop in and
see how you're doing, girl.

Good shift?

Is this about the card reading earlier?

What? No.

I've been thinking about
the card reading earlier,

and I just feel like it
wasn't the greatest send off,

you know? So hopefully I'll
get a better one this time,

and it will just like,
erase the other one.

I'd be glad to do it, Alexis,

but I should warn you,

I think the deck may be cursed.

I predicted four other drownings today.

Okay, well maybe you
should get a new deck.

Death aside, your last
reading was really good.

It was?

You guys got up from the
table before I could get to it.

I flipped the Ten of Cups.

And?

And I saw your family with this big...

golden ring of light around them.

Like you all had something to celebrate.

- Hm.
- It's gonna be a good year, Alexis.

You're on the right path.

(Relieved sigh)

Thanks, Twy.

You're welcome.

And that golden ring means prosperity.

Hm.

Either that or it's a
stain from a beer bottle.

Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.

Ew.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --